#just. its a rough experience lol

[genderkoolaid]

idk if this is a common experience but being a boygirl often makes me feel more like party trick than a human being. the reason i spent so much time talking about being multigender is because i feel like ive never ever seen anything that takes multigender identity seriously beyond just. jokes. no one ever seems interested in actually questioning what it means to be a man/woman when you are both. i cant count the times i've seen some (often lesbian) couple and immediately thought "i'll never have that because of my gender, no one would want me" and i know, objectively, i cant say no one would. but the point is that the only time i see being a boygirl brought up is in fucking joke tumblr posts and it makes me feel like its only something that can exist for a bit and not a way you can live your life. and thats just reinforced every time i have to deal with binarism (which is constantly)

[octo-blobs]

throné, the thief

[samgatinho]

omg I just stumbled upon your art and WOW it’s amazing!! What program do you use? Any tips for a beginner artist too? Sorry totally [not] asking for a friend

thank u! i mostly use ibis paint x and sometimes clip studio paint too! :D

i don't think i'm much of a pro to be out there telling on beginners but, if you're looking to improve in certain aspects, i'd recommend studying art fundamentals. i like searching for tips on youtube and i personally love watching pikat's videos; they give pretty solid, good advices for studying art :)

overall, i think the most important part about drawing is having fun, as cliche as this sounds, it's true. stressing over your art might actually bring down the quality of it, so don't worry so much about making masterpieces! do what you like! ^_^

[bmpmp3]

some stuff i did in school recently: scanned images of fabric that have been run through audacity to be glitched up with reverb and echo and such and then printed back out and embroidered! i thought it was kind of funny

here's the original fabric:

its old busted pajamas <3

[bunnihearted]

📓🕯️🐇🖤

[piosplayhouse]

Ok I've like briefly mentioned this a few times in replies to people but I don't think I've ever made a total post about it so I'll just put it out now- this weird moral perception that svsss is less pure/inferior to mdzs and tgcf creates a weird cult mentality that silences discussion around triggering content in the other two, something that can and is very harmful for people who go into the books expecting otherwise.

I know this because I experienced it! When I read sv, I had a pretty good idea of the content in it from tl osmosis and general discussion around it being that it's more "problematic" in comparison to the other two, so I knew what to expect going into it and was equipped to skip any parts that I knew would be uncomfortable for me. And I really enjoyed it, of course! On the other hand, mdzs was really pitched as the classic "gay dads and their son!" book with this sort of hurt/comfort super pure love narrative, so that's what I had expected going into it. And it quite obviously.... was not that! I remember being viscerally uncomfortable and disgusted with some of the touchier scenes near the end, and that really fucked with my perception of the book to the point where I couldn't read the extras for a long time because everything I had heard about it was so different from my experience with the material. After that, it took me a really long time to read tgcf. I don't think I've ever mentioned this because obviously I got over it and I did but I was really hesitant on starting it because I had such a bad experience with mdzs.

And obviously I know it was fully my choice to read it, I probably should have gone digging for some primers beforehand regardless of spoilers; this also isn't an argument that it shouldn't have had that content at all either, of course. Now I'm older and I've dealt with some stuff and I'm comfortable being a fan of it. But it's really so important to just be frank and own up to problematic content in media you like, especially when you're recommending it to other people. That's why when people tell me they're starting scum villain I always link a tw list and tell them they can contact me if they need any specifics to watch out for. Acting like things in media that you like don't exist just because it changes the image that you're trying to portray it with just harms people in the long run, and really shouldn't be such a common practice as it is these days.

[zombieella]

.

[elkkiel]

Same anon, thank you for clarifying! I know booktok gets a lot of hate for "romanticizing abuse" so when i see booktok hate im like.. is this unfair demonization of women for daring to like things that arent "pure"/thinking women are too dumb to know the abuse fantasies arent okay in real life/saying it will teach kids who arent old enough to read it to begin with that abuse is okay OR is it actual fair criticism because yeah the discourse gets really intense about non-issues and honestly becomes downright misogynistic. Frankly if you like 50 Shades or whatever the most fucked up fantasy you can think of is (even stuff that would be harmful paraphilias in real life tbh) BUT recognize its bad in real life and keep it purely in fiction/consensual roleplay then you do you im much more concerned about real life abuse. I know thats Controversial and all but id rather direct my anger towards things that will actually prevent abuse/help survivors and know getting mad at fiction oftentimes just hurts survivors who use it to cope with trauma

Absolutely! And even then, when I say I "hate" booktok, it's more so just criticism (and personal distaste based on my own trauma/relationship experiences) rather than actual vitriol. At the end of the day, it's just horny people doing horny things and it's really none of my business what people are into. I think booktok can perpetuates harmful rhetoric about sexual and gender roles, BUT in the same breath I think your point about demonizing women's interests is important too.

You can't do shit as a woman, especially in regards to sexuality. If you like straight vanilla erotica, you're boring and basic. But if you're into more "intense" fantasy, you're brainwashed 100% of the time and you don't actually know what you want. While I personally believe that the booktok crit is warranted, it's also unfair to say that every booktok enjoyer is stuck in some forced submission tradwife fantasy just waiting to be abused for love. It's similar rhetoric to "she should have known better" or "she really wants it deep down" and that's gross to make that blanket assumption.

It's one thing to get your rocks off to mediocre smut with questionable kink etiquette (again, side-eyeing 50 Shades as an example of the potentially harmful depiction of kink). It's another to then bring those ideas into real world practices where someone could get hurt. When we talk about things like this, it's really important to keep it in perspective and focus on the actual potential harm. Y'know, rather than demonizing the people consuming this kind of content. AND to mind your own business re: ykinmkato / how people can positively interact with that kind of media to cope/heal.

tl;dr a lot of the common romance tropes in spicy booktok can perpetuate harmful stereotypes and expectations surrounding love and sexuality. however, I'm not gonna yuck your yum as long as you're being safe in real life.

and really, as a major omegaverse enjoyer, I'd be a little hypocritical if I totally denounced shitty alpha male romances as inherently bad or dangerous lol. can they get toxic? absolutely. BUT it's also a fantasy that can be really fun and enjoyable if kept in a fantasy perspective.

[confused-and-dickless]

I have that fucking Blake Shelton song from angry birds movie stuck in my head. This isnt a complaint I fucking LOVE that song. I just feel that I should confess that here.

[arolesbianism]

Just wanted to drop in and say thank you for finding and posting the ONI logs that you do! As someone who loves the story of the game but absolutely would not have the energy to find all of the logs that aren’t on the wiki legitimately its nice to be able to see some of them. The one w/ nails in it is especially interesting! Nails was already one of my favorite dupes but that log made me like them even more tbh. Everyone say thank you to Human Nails™️ for making dupes like actually cognizant.

Also, saw your ONI stuff on artfight! I am absolutely not plotting and scheming anything at all i swear :]

Oghhhh tysm :')!!!! I've been feeling a bit self conscious abt my oni obsession lately so this means a lot! I still need to get around to making my oni story catalogue actually readable, I started a while back but ran out of steam after the like 50th incident with said one with Nails in it lol. And I actually recognized you from artfight! Saw your oni guys a few days ago and I'm honestly obsessed with them, it would be a shame if I had my hand forced and had to draw them :3c

[vamptastic]

bad news is i have a UTI good news is ive randomly lost like 10 pounds over the past few months 👍

[graciousdragon]

You have requested for me to talk to you about Dawko and, you shall receive.

I found this tier list of Dawko songs and I think you'd enjoy it too (and bc I like sharing opinions)

I edited it bc regular letter tiers would no work for me

Sadly I can't put the link but just search up something like "ranking dawko songs" and the list will show up

yippee!!! :D

here's my tier list!! i couldn't find the exact one you used but i found one that had a couple extras so i used that one! (i had to add behind the mask as an option myself lol) i also customized my tiers as well! ignore the light blue tier i was trying to be funny and i wrote a bit too much lol

[approximately12lbs-of-ducks]

For the WIP title ask game, “DSMP space AU where Tommy and Wilbur are both humans that end up with alien crewmates Techno and Philza. Wilbur is known to be human. No one knows tommy is. I’m really normal about this one”! Very curious about this :D

And also if you wanna ramble about your extended Exile AU, absolutely go ahead >:D

*cackles gleefully while rubbing hands togetehr*

SO. In this AU, Tommy is kidnapped when he’s 12. He’s abducted by alien traffickers, and manages to escape and cobble together a life for himself. Details blurry. He learns how to move in a more twitchy, stuttering fashion - kind of like a bird - smoothes out his gait so it looks like he glides more than walks, constantly dyes his hands black using a pigment he commonly finds, holds his hands so his ring and pinky fingers are tucked into his palm and then wears gloves; he also wears a mask, reflective goggles, and then a veil over all of that. He basically does a ton of stuff to obscure his form with clothing and make it so that any human features he can’t hide are altered. He has a heavy accent but knows a fair bit of one of the more common alien dialects, enough to mostly converse with ease. He manages to get hired by Techno and Phil, two aliens, on a really shifty job as an engineer for their ship. Tommy’s been working on repairing ships for a couple years and has a pretty good idea of how they run, and so his boss recommended him when Techno and Phil asked for someone skilled (and who wouldn’t be missed incase they had to. Escort him off ship if yanno what I’m saying (they’re space mercenaries because of course they are)). Tommy takes the job cause it’s even more secluded than the back rooms of a space port, and because it pays mega bucks, and because he’s still trying to find a way home (the hope has dwindled down to almost nothing now but he has to keep ahold of it because he doesn’t know how to keep going without it).

upon boarding the ship, techno and Philza introduce him to another crewmate that they mentioned but Tommy never met before getting hired. His accent is extremely heavy and he clearly knows very little of the common dialect. Tommy thinks his accent is familiar but he just can’t place it - the new crewmate is very enthusiastic and friendly, despite techno and Phil seemingly a bit nervous about the two of them interacting. Tommy is delighted to discover that the crewmate can actually bully him right back, even with his limited vocabulary. It all goes wrong, however, when the next day Phil and techno sit tommy down and introduce him to Wilbur properly. Wilbur. Who is human. Who pulls off his mask to reveal warm brown eyes with white sclera and pale, hairless flesh and eyebrows and a mop of curly brown hair and glasses that are a bit crooked with a crack in them and a smile carefully not showing teeth and Tommy just freezes. and the next few months are frustrating and heartbreaking and it’s so hard. Because Philza and techno are deathly protective of Wilbur and love him, human as he is, and have emphasized so many times tk Tommy that Wilbur will not hurt him, that Wilbur is sentientc that Wilbur is emotional, that Wilbur feels love, that Wilbur has a complex personality - and it’s affirming and it’s terrible and Tommy is far too terrified to chance revealing himself as human. He’s also far too terrified that this is a trap. Is this a shapeshifter who saw a human and learned to mimic them? If he reveals himself as human, will he be locked up and sent to another place to be sold off for experiments or exotic zoos or other even more horrifying acts? Is this Wilbur a lure to catch other humans? Is he actually human, and still a lure, selling out his compatriots? Tommy is terrified. Terrified of being caught and hurt again. is the tune he has stuck in his head a human song? If Wilbur’s human and a traitor, will he recognize the tune if Tommy hums it? Will he put together how much T’mi sounds like ‘Tommy’ with the ‘o’ removed? is this catchphrase from earth that he translated into common a popular enough phrase on earth for Wilbur to get it?

But slowly, as it becomes clear that Wilbur is human and not a traitor or faking being a human, Tommy develops a new fear. He’s drilled his humanity out of himself, he doesn’t act human any way; what if they think HE’S a shapeshifter if he reveals himself? What if Wilbur is the exception and Philza and Techno still throw him out the airlock? Can Tommy even calm himself human? Being around Wilbur makes him realize he’s lost some of his grasp on English, his first language, what used to be his only language, because he’s barely spoken it for five years and he was so young when he was taken. He doesn’t remember much history, art, culture, he doesn’t remember how politics and currency worked, he doesn’t remember geography, he doesn’t know how his own body works, he - never got a chance to learn. He had just started middle school when he was taken and had never been that dedicated to his studies, other than English because he liked stories and making them. The details of what he did learn have become fuzzy. He doesn’t remember the feeling of grass. He doesn’t remember how the glow in the dark stars were arranged on his ceiling. He doesn’t remember how to get to the corner store from his house. He doesn’t remember the lyrics to his moms favourite song. He doesn’t feel human - he let so many details go in favour of survival, and because being human meant he was in danger. Holding onto the things that made him human would have gotten him killed. But each discovery of human experiences he missed, that he forgot, that he can’t remember anymore feels like a knife being pushed into his chest. He should be able to read Wilbur easier than anything else, because they’re the same species, but it’s the same as any other alien - Tommy has to RELEARN what some of Wilbur’s body language means. Tommy doesn’t feel human anymore, and he questions what he’s even trying to go home to.

And to top it all off, Wilbur is hurt that Tommy is ‘afraid’ of him, because at first Tommy avoided him out of terror of being caught, and now out of terror that he’s not good enough to consider himself human. Phil and Techno keep on giving him disappointed looks and talks and Tommy doesn’t know how to explain that he’s not scared of Wilbur hurting him but he’s so scared of what Wilbur Represents. And also the thought thag maybe- Wilbur will reject him. Confirm Tommy’s feelings that he’s not human anymore, be disappointed he can’t bond with Tommy over being from the same planet and speaking the same language. Tommy had a very hard few months lol. After a few months he starts to warm up to Wilbur though and relax around him, thanks to Wilbur’s incessant attempts to make friends with Tommy. He’s still terrified and closed off but he starts to loosen up a bit, and finds himself feeling at home with wil, tech and Phil, and sometimes, even, safe - even though it’s constantly tainted by the guilt of keeping himself hidden.

I’ve run several different scenarios for how Tommy does get revealed to be human; he gets sick and they try to strong arm him into going through the biometric scanner (which he refuses point blank to go into of his own volition), he accidentally responds to Wilbur in English (or similar scenario if Wilbur’s like ‘(in English) what’s this word in common’ and Tommy’s like ‘(in common) it translates to ___’), the ship gets attacked and he sheds his layers for easier maneuverability and also so he can use his nails and teeth and go feral as a treat (but which ultimately reveals him as human), just a gentle admittance to Wilbur one time after Wilbjr talks about earth and Tommy can’t contain his heartbreak anymore ((oh yeah Tommy def has some good angst moments of being homesick and trying to explain to his crewmates that he can’t just go home)); none of them fully satisfy me yet though. I’ll keep running the simulations lol

[piesa2]

man man man thinking so much about understanding something completely alien... humanizing something that simply isn't, how it's impossible for us not to. i liked What moves the dead a lot but at one point the main character described the fungus as 'intelligent' but meant it as having intelligence similar to that of humans, which, sure it was, but fungi aren't non-intelligent, nor is anything maybe. But then also the idea of this fungi in this book having no clue that what it's doing would be considered evil by humans, its just existing and attempting to understand animals. im trying to order my thoughts a lot, there's so many stories that have these themes that i love i should really be writing this in like a more comprehensive note just for myself but here i am lol

[baekuras]

//makes one shitposty oc-note and posts about it

me 5minutes and multiple lore-points later into a new word document:

[targaryenluvs]

OUR LITTLE DOVE

pairings: dark!lucy gray x fem!reader, dark!coriolanus snow x fem!reader, coriolanus snow x lucy gray

summary: you reunite with your dear songbird after the games, but it seems the capitol has followed her home, and taken an interest in the two of you. but it seems lucy gray is willing to share you with a certain peacekeeper, even if you aren’t.

warnings: crazy lucy n corio conspiring like evil doers, manipulation, chasing, primal play?? is that what is called idk corio enjoys hunting your ass down, kidnapping, drugging, forced into accepting a third partner?? nc touching, abuse of power (peacekeeper), power dynamics, kinda cheating (lucy n corio), guilt-trip, jealousy, threatening, self doubt and relationship problems, murder, betrayal

word count: 3.0k

a/n: lol i complain about wanting to write fluff but all my good ideas r so dark 😭 someone needs to give me tips on how to write girls cuz i have no experience would be easier if i was gay boooo!!

he was like a shadow, stuck to your back, always.

you’d complained to lucy numerous times that you didn’t feel comfortable around him when she played at the hob, knowing he’d be there, in the crowd. “sweetie, he was my mentor. he helped me so much in the games, i wouldn’t be here without him. you love me don’t you? so you need to learn to love him too, he’s a good friend a mine. i love you and i gotta get to the stage baby.” she explained as she ran around getting herself and the covey ready.

you were always front row. wanting to be as close to lucy as possible. she looked especially majestic tonight with flowers in her hair. as you listened to her sing you’d managed to forget about the certain blonde peacekeeper near the back. but he hadn’t forgotten about you, nor lucy.

you’d left to get a drink and you’d came back to an unfamiliar tune. you usually knew every song being played off by heart but this was new.

Everyone's born as clean as a whistle

As fresh as a daisy

And not a bit crazy

Staying that way's a hard row for hoeing

she sounded as angelic as usual and the crowd around you seemed entranced.

As rough as a briar

Like walking through fire

This world, it's dark

This world, it's scary

lucy smiled at you once, just once. which threw you off since you usually got a bunch. especially during new songs and songs about you. was this not also about you?

I've taken some hits, so

No wonder I'm wary It's why

I need you

so it is about me! you thought as you closed your eyes, allowing yourself to sway to the music and singing. you’d hoped you wouldn’t miss a smile headed your way.

You're as pure as the driven snow

your eyes flew open as you stared at lucy, she was looking past you and to the peacekeeper. to coriolanus snow. you’d always been a rational person, you prided yourself on restraint but that restraint was hanging on by a thread. you wanted to jam a beer bottle into his neck. lucy was your girlfriend not his. and yet he smiled stupidly towards her as she sang and you could feel your heart clawing its way up. best to leave now rather than stay and hear more of the ever so driven man.

your head was spinning as you slumped to the floor, in one of your finest dresses yet worst mental states. of course, something had formed between the two. she was in the goddamn hunger games and he was her mentor. trauma bonding? he quite literally saved her life, coached her and you did what? sat at home and hoped.

hope could only get you so far.

your hope and faith in lucy gray baird was dwindling as her lyrics swirled in your head. of course she loved him. who wouldn’t? the man was undeniably eye catching. a capitol man. but you’d always imagined lucy staying away from the capitol, despising them. but maybe it wasn’t the captiol part but the man part. maybe she wanted a true life, a home, marriage and children and everything she could wish for.

what on earth could you provide her with?

“y/n?” it sure as hell wasn’t lucy calling out for you and you knew that. coriolanus’s reflection was prominent in the puddle before you as he neared. great, you sneered, would love to get to know you mr peacekeeper. please tell me how you stole my lovely girlfriend from me!

your chest felt oh so heavy as you heard his footsteps in the gravel, determined and unwavering as he made his way to your slumped body. “what do you want? you wanna gloat?” coriolanus stopped in his tracks, gloat? “why would i gloat?” you looked up at him annoyed, “rub it in my face. you practically stole my girlfriend from me.” coriolanus laughed. actually laughed and it made you want to strangle him with his stupid dog tags.

“sweetheart.” vomit. you wanted to vomit. maybe choking and dying on your vomit would be less embarrassing then this. why on earth was this fuck head calling you his sweetheart. “fuck off.”

you didn’t see him coming. and you certainly didn’t expect his demeanour to snap. but the large hand tangled in your open hair was a big slap in the face to your unreadiness. “you of all people don’t get to talk to me like that. do you know who you’re talking to?” you could hear his perfect porcelain teeth grinding at your words. god this man couldn’t handle an insult. wuss.

“what the hell is your- ow! problem!” you yelped as he dragged you into an alleyway. “you need to learn how to respect your superiors. if you’re nice to me, i can make your life easier. doesn’t it hurt? not being able to fully provide for your family? seeing them struggle? do you really think disrespecting a peacekeeper is going to help? i suggest you straighten your act and thank me for even looking your way. there are plenty of other girls here.”

but he didn’t want those other girls. he wanted you. you with the teary eyes and messy hair. you who he’d been seeing in his dreams and during the day. you with the kind smile and curious eyes. you who were so sweet and pretty but mean when need be. the y/n who was stupid enough to spit such hateful words at a peacekeeper. but he’d teach you. whether it be with words and lessons or actions and bruises. you’d learn your place, by his side and lucy’s, and underneath. but with such fearful, brown doe eyes watering up infront of him, the girl he’d heard oh so much about from lucy. how could he refrain from indulging?

his hand reached out to wipe away the few stray tears that fell as his left extended towards your right, which was clutching your head, where he’d grabbed you. “shh, let me help you.” your hand slowly retracted as your heart ran a marathon. the man was obviously unstable, going from a deceptively caring man to violent. coriolanus smiled at your actions, and it freaked you out. he caressed your scalp in an attempt to soothe, “good girl.” he cooed as your apparent saviour approached.

“sweetie?” lucy called out to you as coriolanus withdrew from your personal space. he walked over to her and she let him. he held her hand and spoke with, love? his voice was soft and comforting, his thumb again caressing the back of her hand as they talked, whispered, plotted? god knows, all you wanted was to leave.

was this your chance?

you tested the waters, slow and calculated movements as lucy nodded in agreement with him. but by the time they were done speaking you’d bolted.

but you sure as hell weren’t getting far with these two on your tail, poor y/n l/n. a little dove trying to spread her wings but they were bound to be clipped.

your feet were throbbing and begging for you to slow down. but your brain was in charge for once, your heart which yearned for your dear songbird pushed to the side as your head screamed and urged you to go. she was in league with him apparently. her seeing him corner you and not even batting an eyelash. did she truly care for you so little? did she want to rid herself of you? she could’ve broken up with you and let that be it. maybe the games had twisted her head.

even as you believed yourself to be gaining distance from the two you could hear the not-so distant steps of determined pursuit, headed your way. how would they kill you? slow and intimate? hasty and brutal?

“if you stop running now we won’t be mad little dove!” lucy shouted in warning as you felt yourself momentarily slow at her words. traitor. you thought to yourself as your body involuntary listened, she still had an affect on you. “she’s right, we love you, we won’t hurt you. unless we have to, don’t give us our reasons.”

“shut up!” you screamed. god, i know we haven’t talked in a while. last minute efforts right? maybe he’d listen to you, save you from your tormentors. you should’ve kept your head clear, focused on running. focused on your surroundings and if you had, you would’ve noticed the nearing tree roots, thick and protruding from the ground, ready to knock you down.

you crawled behind the tree, trying to catch your breath as your hands worked tirelessly to provide some form of relief to your aching ankle.

crack.

you’d been found. you fucked up.

“our little dove, ever the sprinter.”

his words had you lurching forwards in an attempt of fleeing but lucy’s cold hand on your ankle dragged protests and cries from your throat as well as you, back to them. “you should’ve listened before, we would’ve been nice. given you some time to adjust, but you can’t sit and think for a second can you?” coriolanus mocked as his hand trailed up your un-injured leg, “that’s okay, you won’t be doing much thinking from now on. we’ll be taking care of you, since you obviously can’t take care a’ yourself baby.” lucy’s voice was saccharine, like honey, and her smile was even sweeter. the familiarity and comfort of her presence was intoxicating, you felt at peace on one side and the other wanted to jump off a cliff. she lowered your guard and coriolanus slithered right in.

the prick in the side of your neck wasn’t painful, but their words were. “you’re with us now, we’ll take care of you, we promise.” and you were stuck, stuck with them for god knows how long.

you blinked away the sleep in your eyes, adjusting to the room. maybe they had killed you? in their own twisted way they’d keep you forever, in their memories and soul. coriolanus and lucy’s voices swam around your head and blended together. you were wrong. yay.

“it’s a bit early for katniss, even if it’s one of her favourites.”

“she should eat something better.”

“better? don’t go all capitol on me now corio.”

he was smiling, you could tell.

“never lucy gray. but she’ll be weak for a few days, proper meals will help her regain some strength.”

you picked your head up and looked through the window, the lake was evident.

“alright, you go grab it and i’ll stay here.”

“why? so you can get more time with her? if anyone should get extra time it’s me.”

“now who was her partner first? oh that’s right, me. you’re acting as if i’m gonna pick her up and run away. if you’re that scared than we’ll both go. take her with us.”

coriolanus’s head whipped towards the cabin and you quickly flopped back down on the bed. you shut your eyes as you heard the door creak open. “gosh, doesn’t she look pretty?” lucy asked, knowing the answer already. “so calm, i liked her better when she was crying.” lucy hit him, “coriolanus snow!” he stroked the side of your face and you had to resist from turning your head and biting his fingers off.

“little dove.” your eyes opened again, turning your head his way tiredly. “we need to get some supplies okay?” you nodded as lucy went outside to gather the baskets she’d left out earlier on to dry. coriolanus’s hand dug into your cheeks as he forced you to look at him, “i told you i’d make you respect me. now listen, if you try anything when we’re in town i will never let you forget it. you’ll know who you belong to every single day. maybe i’ll pay your family a visit? an appointment with the hanging tree for being rebels? stealing?”

you shook your head violently as you began to cry, “you don’t want that? didn’t think so. you listen to me and everything will be fine. your family will get daily help and weekly groceries. they’ll never go hungry again. all thanks to their sweet little girl. lucy’s too nice, but don’t think for a second she’ll save you from me. you’re mine and if you try anything.” he leaned in to whisper, “i’ll strangle her with my bare hands infront of you.” his words were meant to scare you, and they did. but don’t you know? coriolanus snow doesn’t need a reason to do bad things.

coriolanus was wicked and ruthless when it came to what he wanted, if you had any hope of trying to get through this then you’d need lucy’s attention and help. so you nodded. “words sweetheart.” you swallowed your pride, your dignity, and you shook hands with the devil.

“yes, i’ll do what you say.” he straightened up, his white shirt a contrast to his dark thoughts.

“y’all ready to go?” lucy questioned as coriolanus grinned, “yes, yes we are.” he lifted you up and helped you dress, you hadn’t realised the fact that you were only dressed in his own white shirt, dress to you. he handled you like you were the most delicate object. as if he wasn’t hell bent on breaking you, over and over again. till you were fit to his standards. the captiol standards. the snow standards.

his, his, his.

with how obedient you were, he figured you’d do well in the capitol. which was exactly where he was meaning to bring you.

lucy walked in front of the two of you as you made your way through the woods. coriolanus’s hand was glued to your waist as he held you close, afraid to let go. you were at flight risk of course. his grip was tight and bruising. lucy’s humming distracted you at times, if you were delusional enough you could imagine it to be the two of you. your brothers far infront and the covey following. after an amazing afternoon at the lake, heading home for dinner, maybe a performance or the night shift.

your daydreaming was interrupted when you clocked coriolanus’s missing hand from your waist, and his arm now around lucy grays throat.

don’t you remember? you’d do well in the capitol! you were his! but not entirely, no.

not with her in the way.

you were frozen in place as lucy clawed at him before reaching out for you. a plea, a cry for help and aid yet you stood stuck in fear. a minute, two. she’d put up a strong fight, especially when you ran towards the two, pushing and shoving at coriolanus to let her go. but again, you fucked up.

here lies lucy gray baird, singer, victor, psycho.

obsessed? madly in love? you couldn’t think of another word, and as much as you wished to forget her, forget how she’d practically allowed another man into your relationship and let him kidnap you. her lifeless face and hollow eyes made your heart clench. but soon enough she was rolled over, thrown in a pre-made hole and buried. she’d survived the games but no one survived coriolanus snow.

“don’t forget what i said. don’t forget what you agreed to. you said you’d do as i say, i’m telling you to get up and follow me. we’re leaving district 12.” your face was painted with confusion as coriolanus clutched your face, “i’m going back, and you’re coming with me. don’t ask questions, just do as i say.”

and you did.

when he had you say goodbye to your family, a courtesy, a privilege he’d granted you. you kept it short and sweet, no questions just hugs and false promises of return.

when he ushered you onto the train and he wanted you to sit and be silent, you did.

through his time at the university, he wanted you close to him, living with him. and you did.

through his presidency campaign he wanted for you to charm sponsors and entice newcomers. you did.

when he wanted to marry you in a grand spectacle infront of the captiol and dress you up, you did as he asked.

when he held you down on your wedding night after tearing your dress off, biting and marking you down all over, pushing you down to your knees and took you all over the house, asking you to give yourself to him as if he didn’t take you anyways, you did.

you had no idea why at this point.

for your family? who hadn’t reached out in so long, even when they promised to talk to you every day? coriolanus had them all arrested, punished and hung for inciting riots and uprisings.

for your friends whom listened to your concerns of the capitol peacekeeper who hovered and didn’t make you feel crazy? each of them ended up dead in many different ways, hung, shot, a mugging gone wrong.

you didn’t know at this point and when you looked in the mirror you didn’t recognise the girl who stared back. a captiol sheep, dressed up in the finest silk dresses and slick heels yet the filth underneath the finery, jewels, and makeup weighed you down. each time he touched you, kissed you, fucked you, it felt like a peace of yourself was thrown away.

and as you clutched your swelling stomach, you couldn’t help but feel pity for baby number four.

maybe you’d grow up and find love.

maybe i’ll be able to take you all away from him.

maybe we’ll heal.

you thought, but in the back of your head, a little voice wouldn’t shut up.

you’ll always be his little dove.