#just trying different shit to see what happens and idk
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Okay I'm breaking down. Let's make this an au sure why not
AU NAMES im gay and indecisive so heres some of my ideas
Fragments Strung
Tick of the Hourglass (yall acting like E!Joel wouldnt pull a kahmunrah and stick E!Jimmy in an hourglass. also limited life references)
Black Dahlias (Dahlias symbolize devotion, but the black variety symbolizes betrayal)
Reminisce and Remember
Between the 'Twixt
MORE STUFF IDK IM TIRED
Liml!Jimmy and E!Joel are in ESMP2 world. It's mostly fluff and little interactions. E!Joel tries very hard to make sure no one brings up E!Jimmy (who has been missing for a few weeks at this point. whoops) because he doesn't want to ruin his relationship with Liml!Jimmy.
E!Jimmy and Liml!Joel are stuck in a random vanilla survival world. L!Joel has a terrible breakdown after seeing E!Jimmy and immediately hug-tackles him and cries on his shoulder. E!Jimmy is very confused, and is rather wary of L!Joel. They mostly wander around trying to find their way out, and are both too scared to settle down and build a proper base (until E!Jimmy is killed by Pillagers and L!Joel fucking loses it).
The story is set before the Hermitcraft cross over. Liml!Jimmy is taken from somewhere between the second episode and before his final death. Liml!Joel is explicitly spawned into the vanilla world (what I am calling the 'Twixt) immediately after his final death. E!Jimmy is missing for about two weeks before Liml!Jimmy appears in Stratos.
In the Twixt, L!Joel injures his arm on the first day. It remains wrapped in a bandage for much of the story. E!Jimmy's death to pillagers is the first death in the Twixt. Until that point, L!Joel believed it was hardcore mode. There are no more deaths after this, as they both just evade attacks and help save each other. L!Jimmy very much enjoys being in Stratos. It reminds him a lot of Bread Bridge and Skynet. E!Joel thinks, for a short while, that L!Jimmy is just E!Jimmy, with a different outfit and maybe amnesia. He avoids talking about Tumble Town and the toy fiascos because he thinks they will trigger memories, and doesn't want to ruin his chance to actually become Jimmy's friend. He still doesn't tell him (or tells him very slowly) because... yknow. That shit's kinda offputting. E!Joel uses his trident. E!Jimmy uses dual swords. L!Joel uses an axe. L!Jimmy doesn't use weapons often in the story, but usually uses a bow or crossbow. L!Jimmy and L!Joel both have chokers similar to bomb collars. They have small screens on them that display the time left. L!Joels displays the amount of time he had left upon death (or world removel) on a red background. L!Jimmy's displays all zero's on a gray background and blinks. He believes this is because he is in a world where whatever controls the time can not reach him- therefore, it reset. debating whether or not E!Jimmy should have a breakdown after learning all the details of what happened to L!Jimmy. "Do I look like him" style.
ill add more in the morning im super eepy
Do not let these two near each other. Oh my god the angst that would occur
#jimmy solidarity#solidaritygaming#solidarity gaming#limited life#empires season two#mcyt au#joel smallishbeans#smallidarity#mcyt shipping
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i think i have the unpopular opinion that airplane is an egotist lol
i do enjoy reading fics where he's like "i dont deserve good things, this guy is way out of my league" and i do totally get where people are coming from when they characterize him that way but more and more lately im just like
"what about the comments?"
like i dont think that airplane has a SUPER high opinion of himself, but i think he's just kinda... confident? like when he reads fucking essays online about how his writing sucks he's able to laugh his ass off over it and even join in the fray. so i keep thinking rather than him being like "i dont deserve this nice thing", he'd more have a "SCORE! nice thing for me!! WHOO!" reaction. and when a bad thing happened, instead of being super "this is the saddest day of my life, someone was mean to me", he'd be more "omfg did you like fr waste your time being mean to me? thats actually pretty embarrassing for you lmfao, r u oki bro?"
like kinda that terminally online asshole internet troll of a person who just doesnt take shit seriously and has enough self esteem to just legitimately not give a fuck when someone is shitty
ofc it's different with demons who can literally skin him alive, theres a huge difference between someone saying "youre ugly" and someone breaking every bone in his body, so its not like he doesn't cower when necessary
but also inwardly he just has the confidence to not be effected much by cowering. like "lol imma hug this thigh bc i aint stupid but the fact that this asshole needs me to hug his thigh says a looottttt more about him than it says about me"
idk im just kinda wanting to see more unapologetically confident airplane who just does not give a fuck about anyones opinion so long as the opinion is coming from someone who cant actually fuck him over in a significant way. like sha hualing? obvs care about her opinion, she can gut him. some rando disciple? "lmfao out of my way loser, im gay"
also i kinda wanna see that confidence stripped away until he's a mewling mess but thats just my desire to break down confident characters and make them cry pfff
its so much funnier to me if airplane was actually a pretty impervious sort of person, it's only the extreme nature of his current situation that turned him into a crybaby lmfao
idk if im making sense, i just kinda think of airplane as being a hilarious mixture of "the most self assured guy you've ever met, to an obnoxious extent" and "wait does he have any self esteem at all?!? is he okay?!?" in a fun contradictory way, cuz thats the impression i got of him from canon
also modern au mobei jun getting Very upset bc it feels absolutely impossible to get under airplane's skin. like he's sitting here trying his best to get a reaction and airplane is just "lmfao yea but idgaf abt your opinion sooooooooo"
look, i also think it'd just be awesome if mobei jun is actually most attracted to the egotistical side of shang qinghua. like sure, he thinks that cowering sobbing pathetic hamster shang qinghua is delicious, but give him shang qinghua cackling arrogantly at his detractors with the air of an emperor? mobei jun might actually faint with desire
so like, mobei jun visiting an ding peak so much initially because shang qinghua is sus as fuck and all that jazz, but eventually he's sneaking in as often as possible so that he gets to peak that side of shang qinghua.
like he first notices it when shang qinghua is too absorbed in his paperwork to remember there's a demon lord casually napping on his bed and starts making fun of the lousy penmanship, his fellow disciples, other peak lords, no one is except from his sharp mocking tongue and laughing criticism. but he notices it more and more
someone comes to qinghua's door to throw their weight around? sure, qinghua acts all small and harmless with them there but when they leave, he's cackling about "annndd that pathetic loser thinks that no one knows abt his porn stache, pssshhh, get on my level pleb. especially with your frankly boring as fuck tastes" and qinghua has a dirty sense of humor too and it's sort of driving mobei jun insane
so maybe sometimes he shows up at the peak without announcing his presence, trying to peak what sort of shit that shang qinghua might say about him behind his back and mmaaaayyybbe mobei jun is a bit excited at the prospect and disappointed when it's difficult to hear his name on shang qinghua's tongue
until one glorious day when his timing is just right and shang qinghua is neck deep in the middle of northern desert paperwork and he lets loose and mobei jun isnt sure whats worse: the things that shang qinghua's biting insults are doing to him or how, in stark comparison to the way that shang qinghua insults to others, all of shang qinghua's insults are accompanied by dirty commentary about mobei jun's body and potential sexual prowess in a quite positive light. normally shang qinghua is all "lmfao mr. never-gonna-get-fucked qi-ge is gonna tell me what to do? tough shit my lil bitch, i might be your daddy but i know the full depth of malicious compliance! go back to your brat-kink with jiu-whatever. you might as well be dickless for all the success you've had, mr. virgin mcbitch" but with mobei jun it's a lot more like "oh so mr. sexier than the fucking literal god of this world could have imagined in his dirtiest dreams wants this paperwork by next week? unreasonable brat, so spoiled, i should spoil him, he'd look reeeeaallly hot when spoiled absolutely rotten beneath me hehehh wait above me? hm, anyway, he's being a little bitch but i'll forgive it for that face but also man i wanna just pinch those fucking cheeks sometimes and then--man i bet he'd be really fucking wild in the sack to and--"
absolutely charmed by the display, mobei jun immediately reveals himself and beats shang qinghua senseless as a very clear indication of his intentions. to his absolute dismay, he never hears shang qinghua insulting him again and he doubles the beatings in desperation to somehow get shang qinghua's attention
(shang qinghua does not, in fact, have any actual bad blood against his zhangmen-shixiong, he just has a bad habit of going for the throat when he's in the middle of a tirade bc he was once an internet troll who shamelessly thrived on the anonymity of being able to say anything to anyone. he just really likes to talk shit and if he was in a position of power, would absolutely abuse it to talk shit alllll the time lmfao)
anyway i got pretty off topic bUT MY POINT IS that shang qinghua is best (imho) when he is a shameless egotistical shit-talker who's more or less impervious to the criticism of others
((man just fucking IMAGINE mobei jun's reaction when the ascension ceremony happens? like he FINALLY gets shang qinghua to talk shit to his face no less and then IMMEDIATELY gets abandoned. and like, it was kinda Really Bad Timing and also mobei jun never really wanted to just be a passive participant! he wanted to retort back! he wanted a back and forth! he wanted to refute shang qinghua's claims that he was spoiled just as much as he wanted to hear those claims! he wants the push and pull!!!! SO WHY IS SHANG QINGHUA RUNNING AWAY THAT FUCKING TEASE?!?!))
also as a general note i do think that shang qinghua's whole impervious thing is prolly routed in a lot of the trauma of being unwanted by family and all of that stuff, there was no one around to build his ego up so he built it up all on his own and he's really fucking good at building things up
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the other side of oblivion
ya girl is back at it again with another DE fic ✌️ 4,528 words, pretty heavy angst (with an uplifting conclusion), and features a healthy sprinkling of some of my favourite quotes from the game.
this was written rather obsessively over the course of 2 days, most of which fell in the early hours of the morning because i apparently Do Not Know how to maintain a proper sleep schedule when i'm inspired to write. bit of a different format than the usual as well, which was fun to try it out!
as always, love to hear your thoughts if you read it (tysm for reading regardless 💖), share if you'd like, and hope you enjoy :)
#disco elysium#harry du bois#kim kitsuragi#disco elysium fanfiction#disco elysium fic#harrykim#kimharry#my fic#fun fact i'd written 75% of this in third person before going back and switching everything to second bc the narrative kept demanding it!!!#the entire fic shook itself out so much more smoothly after that lol#but that makes this the first time i'm writing second person AND harry's pov which is wild#a songfic (sorta)? in the year 2023? it's more likely than you think#this is one of my fave songs actually and it's kinda rly special that it inspired fic for my fave game :')#also i'm just trying to be creative with how i write and not worry too much about it yakno#just trying different shit to see what happens and idk#maybe it works maybe it doesn't but i'm having fun
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i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.
that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.
weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.
#most of it is stuff i can’t help like!!!#coworkers and i don’t share a lot of interests so i’m always like. yes i’ve heard of that show but haven’t seen it. no idk that band sorry#and they’ll like. talk shit abt other people who share my interests without realizing that i also like those things#so i just have to sit there and take it#i feel like i don’t have a lot in common with my friends even. a few shared interests but very different lives#in my experience the conscious choice has been to try to keep up with what’s popular but it’s just. not interesting to me#i got bored and forgot to finish s2 of stranger things and never picked it back up#even alt subcultures have gone kinda mainstream and i never quite slot in#let’s not even touch the gay culture ‘flags’ that are extremely online and unrelatablr#and the most frustrating thing. every time i try to talk about myself and my interests i feel people shutting down#one person i know. open mouth sighs in exasperation when i open my mouth#i don’t know why you’re making it my problem that we’re different#i know there is supposed to be a niche out there for everyone but some of that feels like#those niches are falling prey to marketability. if you’re too far out of the mainstream. too out of touch. it can’t be helped#a lot of messaging online is like. embrace weirdness but only if it’s subversive in a very specific way#too normal to hang out with self-proclaimed proud weirdos. too weird to hang out with normies#like i thought the thing was to disavow performativity. i’m sorry i don’t find the same things interesting#i don’t care about the office and you don’t care about the hundred years’ war. that’s fine. why is that seen as a personal fault of mine#i feel like some of the reaction i get might be bc it comes across as hipster shit. idk#i’m literally just oblivious and looking for any kind of indicator for social interaction#but so often it feels like the onus of finding common ground is on me. i have to listen abt things idk but no one cares what i have to say#i think what makes it more frustrating is this reaction from people who claim to not care. do their own thing#and then get annoyed when i do mine and it’s. different#instead of being like ‘fuck the mainstream! conformity is bullshit! be yourself!’ it’s like#‘fuck the mainstream because it doesn’t appeal to me personally and i’ve made my own club!’#and this is not going to come out right because i’m just at my limit and venting and don’t know how to say things the right way#so people don’t misunderstand me#i just happen to never like the Right Things and know the Right Things and act the Right Way and idk how else to say it other than#can we be more normal about weird people#idk it’s hard to talk abt this without sounding like i’m just complaining but i’m more bewildered and trying to state things as i see them
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hey girlie it’s me, sam winchesters gay lover, your mootie 🥰🥰🥰 i just wanted to let you know, that your tags on the post about that wincest video are based and i agree with every word, hashtag slay couldn’t agree more i loved reading your essay in those tags heart ❤️
omg thank you!!! i'm basically only capable of talking in essays whether people want me to or not, unfortunately
i just have a lot of feelings on this topic and the whole "canon or not canon" argument is weird to me; the themes are pretty darn clear in supernatural (it is NOT known for its subtlety) so idk man. they don't have to kiss to be canon. and they don't have to have a romantic relationship to be canon either. how many times do they get into relationships with other people only for it to be treated as cheating/betrayal/abandonment, only for them have to give up that relationship in order to reaffirm their devotion to their brother
that's just what the text says. i'm not under any kind of delusion that they have some secret sexual or romantic relationship, but that doesn't change that sam and dean are each other's most important person regardless of that. which is really awesome imo, that romance isn't treated as more important than whatever horrible thing they have with each other, and that they don't have to consummate their relationship with romance/sex in order for it to be the most important one they have
(and of course there's romantic/sexual subtext, like parallels and metaphors and misunderstandings and jokes, but to me that just provides a solid foundation for presenting this relationship between them as the most important even though it's not romantic or sexual—because this language of romance is the only one we know, really, when it comes to writing important relationships between characters. it's the only one we know in our own personal lives, to a large extent. so you use the romance/sexuality to symbolize the actual bond they have. which is so much worse lmao)
anyway i think spn is fairly unique in this way because of how no other relationships can really ever stand parallel to the one they share; even in other shows that center male friendship, romance is allowed to coexist with brotherhood. for sam and dean, it's not, and that becomes a point of tension and conflict and resolution many, many times over the course of the show. so like yeah!!! just because it's not romantic or sexual doesn't mean it's not canon, in the sense that their relationship is the point of the show, and it is the most important relationship they have. they chose each other above all else, every single time. yknow, it's "the epic love story of sam and dean" and all that
#ask#sorry. i did not intend to write another essay about this#but as i said i am only capable of talking in essays. my apologies#to be honest the only reason i have so much to say about this is because i have seen some truly baffling takes about what sam and dean are#and every time i see one i have to sit here and think about it. like how did you arrive at that conclusion. what are you watching#mostly in terms of like. people saying sam and dean are not weird and codependent and enmeshed with each other#that's just blatantly not true because again. this show is about sam and dean and their relationship. textually subtextually metatextually#the concept of even having to defend their relationship as canon is as confusing to me as having to defend umm rubysam is canon#or something#like it happened. they were together in canon. we saw them have sex. you can't say rubysam isn't canon because it's right there#same thing with sam and dean. the difference is the nature of their relationship and the fact that i guess people don't want to like#think of it as canon when it's not romantic????#it's such a no-brainer kind of thing. like the fact that i'm sitting here trying to explain myself is embarrassing me bc it's like#no shit sherlock#but again the only reason i am thinking about this so much is because i keep seeing people trying to deny or downplay their relationship#in the first place#which is BIZARRE to me#like idk i don't see people trying to deny that ummmm fuck. killua and gon hxh aren't canon friends#that they don't even like each other#wow i'm seriously rambling. apparently i have more to say about this topic than i originally conceived#idk man i get people are uncomfortable with incest but the point is that it's like. not. their canon-ness is not related to incest#they're just insane about each other and they are each other's most important person. they are more important than romantic pursuits#the uniqueness is that it trumps all other relationships and cannot coexist with any others. that's what's so canon about it#it's not just friendship. it's not just brothers. it's not just husbands. it's everything and nothing and so much more all at once#shrugs. sorry for rambling AGAIN#i hope i'm making sense here#supernatural#wincest#spn posting
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This OC Sure Can Destroy And Betray Himself For Nothing
#ishaq: 'yeah you were hard to be with I kept trying to help u and u kept doing nothing'#jaufres: 'yeah my fuck up I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left my life like rly sucks now'#ishaq: 'oh shit rly? sorry to hear that here's like 3 different concrete ways I can help you'#jaufres: 'sorry but I don't deserve it :(('#ishaq: *facepalm*#(I the author am trying to get something productive out of this conversation but unfortunately idk if it can be helped)#(I still have no idea what's gonna happen to jaufres. if he doesn't get over himself I might just have to kill him off)#(hate to see it but wtf else is he gonna do 😭)#(already stretching it longer than I wanted him to live anyway so like 🤷 this guy better get some character development fast)#(he is already like 75% through a downward spiral of alienating literally everyone in his life.... oops)#(like I the author would like him to have a happier ending... but y'know. u can take an oc to water but u can't make him drink 🤷)
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so i have 9 hours so far on ZZZ
i downloaded it JUST TODAY. AT 1PM. thats not normal
#this is exactly like how when i first played ngs i immediately got 8 hours on it on the first day#the fixation hits hard#thought 'oh ive been wanting to play this and i also need something to cope rn'#oh boy did i cope#saw my husband for ONE FRAME and went INSANE#I LOVE YOU ANTON. MY HUSBAND. MY GIRLFRIEND. OH HOW I LOVE YOU#I NEED HIM SO BAD (literally i need to pull him in game) GIVE ME HIM NEEEOOOWWWW BEFORE I GET ANGRY!!?? GRRRR!!!!did not#mean to put those question marks#marks of inquiry#bruh this game has sexy ass gameplay. I SAW IT BEFORE BUT IT FEELS SO DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE ACTUALLY PLAYING IT#IT'S SO HEAVY AND UGHHDH IT REMINDS ME OF DMC A LITTLE#specifically dmc5#example: the Epic shots when you kill all the ethereals in an area#another example: anby's skill. that is literally a vergil combo#another thing that reminds me of ngs is how stuffy the game mechanics are#idk what i'm doing 90% of the time. i get an item. oh cool! where the hell did i get this from.#reading the descriptions of each item doesn't help because none of it sinks in 😭 it's like trying to read from 15 feet away#it's kinda like base game?? in the way that it feels like Everything has already happened and it's shoved in your face and you just kinda#have to figure out what to do#only this time i can't emote and pole dance with other people#oh to see anton pole dancing. /j#/hj :^3#....../srs :'^3 (i cry a tear)#i've been cooking up an s/i since the game was announced but i still have close to nothing. NO IDEA WHAT THEY WOULD LOOK LIKE.#huge ass weapon obviously. low hollow aptitude but they're such a good fighter that it didn't matter#i know my 'haha i've known this game since' shit is annoying but LET ME HAVE THIS!! I WILL FOREVER FLEX BEING A FAN FROM THE START HEHEHEH#anyway. anton. my pookiebear. my shnookums. Fucck yoyAAAAAAA I LOVE
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#just watched s 2 ep 7 of the vampire show#and these are just some ramblings that hopefully will not offend fans of the show im just trying to articulate my thoughts to myself#i think it was a cool idea to turn their trial into one of the theatrical performances onstage#however im still annoyed at how the domestic violence episode happened and was apparently a real thing#like idk it just ruins the whole vibe in the book of how these characters were living together doing awful things to humans yet#somehow mostly carrying on in civilized peace and not ever directing that violence toward each other for decades on end#this choice messes up the characterizations and relationship dynamics too much for me somehow#also messes up the aesthetics that are a delicate balance between the savage and grotesque and polite and refined#it was important to me that lestat wasnt the one to first cross that line in the books and that claudia was#i feel like kinda the one thing that lestat had going for him in the first book as a standalone story#was that he didnt ever cross certain lines with louis and claudia that the show made him cross there?#he seemed to have a different inner set of rules when it came to what violence he would do to humans and what he would do to them#it's hard to even articulate what kind of shittiness is a dealbreaker in a character or a ship to me#especially when theyre constantly doing stuff like feeding on people to stay alive#but for some reason lestat and louis beating the shit out of each other is just such a nonsense ooc thing to make them do in my opinion#also claudia in the book was valid for what she did to lestat already i thought. i dont see why they had to change or add to the motives#she was turned into a vampire at age 5 and therefore almost purely a vampire in nature and also totally valid in not being happy about it#and in the books lestat made her a vampire on his own after louis fed on her and they did not discuss it beforehand#and he never mentioned rules about a child vampire being forbidden and louis did not beg him to do it. in fact one of the biggest reasons#that louis and claudia decide to turn on lestat is because theyre convinced hes just pretending to know more than he does about vampirism#and either has nothing to teach them or wont ever let them go so they can find out anything for real about their own kind#these changes in the show bother me too but i think im not that good at articulating why#i also feel like as much as book louis's weakness and passiveness and guilt can get frustrating and isn't always interesting to follow#in a way that's kinda one of his more saving graces and most defining traits as a vampire as well - so i dont always know how to feel#about them making his character more powerful and aggressive and involved in things in the show at times?#on one hand i often get frustrated at his moping and indecisiveness and inactivity in the books#and yet on the other hand i find i miss his quieter softer excruciatingly polite book personality when i am watching the show at times too#p#vmpcs
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i would love to do a really long essay about food conspiracies and fatphobia
#the conspiracies are so easy to arrive at because those engaging in the conspiracy don't accept that the burden of proof is on them#see that one tiktok where someone was like 'i was told i was gluten intolerant in the usa and when i got to europe and tried bread there...#... my 'gluten intolerance' disappeared 🙄 because of pesticides and chemicals in the usa'#when the answer is just that europe has different wheat#ultimately this is pretty innocuous but the 'they're trying to make us fat I Mean Unhealthy' narrative#is so fucking rampant and just serves to give social media users righteous anger against something that isn't a real problem.#while at the same time the us government and corporations are actually doing way worse shit?#we're getting concrete evidence of the extreme price gouging that chains have been engaging in for the past 4 or 5 years#but user1294042569 is pissed because there's gmos in lunchables#same narrative as 'ooohgsbfghh usa portion sizes are so BIG' yes because of the great depression.#like literally its just that more food for less money is seen as more desirable especially when money is tight#and it became seen as a distinctly usamerican thing as the usa was building its own image and trying to prosper after the great depression#finally every one of these narratives has an undercurrent of 'this is why people are sooo fat'#usually from people who don't know what the main cause of fatness is (fucking genetics)#and actively fear fatness because of. idk theres a multi billion dollar diet industry that i remember seeing ads for in kindergarten#please let me make this video essay aughhhh#< i dont need permission i just need motivation which is not happening any time ever
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anyway im having fun with colors now that ive sworn off the Nefarious Orange Undertones. i always hated anything that i can see orange in tbh But i have not grown up on not only pretentious storytelling but also 2000s school moviesand i have chronic outdated person syndrome so i am not immune to propaganda. for clothes
#i feel like i should write something about this topic because sure im vain but its not just about vanity after a certain point#im vain when im doing cocomelon shit with eyeliner but im not vain when i try to look like my skin is clearer than it actually is#or when i try to unfrizz my hair because i idgaf about either of those things in a vacuum#when we had lockdown and nobody perceived me oh brother#i damaged my hair on Purpose cause i thoufht it looked fun and whimsical#but when im out and about more its not fun anymore cause i get like. people working in stores following me around if i look too messy LMFAO#but if i do certain things its completely different.#it kind of messes with my head idk if my interest in the topic is all that healthy but like#its kind of really interesting. the way small details make people see you in a completely different way#ive had people both ask what subject i teach in my uni/if im married and say i was familiar and ask like where my parents are#or Really hesitate to serve me alcohol#and dont even get me started on gender business i could write essays on it#presenting feminine is a scary high stakes gamble#though iit remains true that people often think im a lot older than i am which im kinda obsessed with#hope i never ruined any chatty uber guys marriages by giving them relationship advice despite never being married.#ive told ppl my mom is my work bestie and they believed me .#Like ok caring about looks is annoying but girl it goes beyond customizing the avatar you can customize your life#and i sure do enjoy my office lady persona i should start trying to emphasize my fine lines i wanna see what wpuld happen#.txt
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"You don't look disabled/trans/bi/like a guy/sick/diabetic/mentally ill/neurodivergent/autistic/in pain"
*Fucking smacks you with my big paws*
#dorian speaks#for a lot of these it's just dealing with bigotry/blatant ignorance#and many people won't even listen to you if you try to explain#they'll just believe their own assumptions to be true#and as a result - they'll “suggest” things that are legitimately harmful/don't apply whatsoever#this has been particularly true for me being a T1 diabetic#and people not knowing how hugely different it is from T2 diabetes in most ways#like... T1 is something you couldn't HOPE to prevent if you tried and it can happen to literally anybody - it's AUTOIMMUNE#I don't have any known family history of ANY diabetes and I got it#people will assume I'm not “allowed” to take any spaces for the disabled#just because they don't see my disability (T1D... chronic joint pain... foot injury that won't heal due to circumstances... etc)#and people have specific beliefs of what LGBTQIA+ people “should look like” or whatever which is just... don't.#The “you don't look neurodivergent/autistic” shit is something a lot of people deal with#If you had seen me as a kid you'd definitely think I'm autistic (actually a lot of people did but only as a reason to bully me)#But like... do you expect me to act/behave/have the same experiences my ENTIRE life without ANY changes whatsoever?#You do realize people learn to cope/adapt to some stuff... right? The experiences will differ throughout life. Each person is different#Nobody bothered to diagnose me when I was still a kid and my country doesn't diagnose adults at all so... fun times being taken seriously#I won't “look” neurodivergent or even mentally ill because there's this little thing called MASKING#and I had to learn to do that to keep myself safe for much of my life (from judgement/abuse/etc)#which has brought its own challenges#People don't have to look/sound/behave/outwardly seem like they're something or dealing with something to be valid#Idk how to phrase any of this any better but I feel like a lot of this is stuff people have experienced to some extent
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i feel like this guy rn about "heart shaped box"
#you ever *get* the message something is trying to convey w/o being able to express what its trying to convey with words#bc thats been me for years at this point sdhjvfvghssdhvgsgfdhvhvgfsdhvgfsd#omg i just realized.... this is how i am w my comic........ which is why i struggle so much with outlines or describing why things#happen or are a certain way#im very much a.... 'visuals' guy rather than a 'describing' guy... its why im writing a graphic novel and not just a novel novel.#i can convey themes and symbols with my art but not my words#honestly i need to stop demanding myself to describe shit that i already know what it looks like.#like when im writing a script i dont need to fuckin describe the setting im gonna fuckin draw it once the script is done anyways#and no ones gonna see the descriptions but me aND I ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE-- ugh#i hate that i feel the need to do that otherwise im 'not a real writer' or whatever tf. like idk maybe i just create in a different way#than you do jackass#being both a writer and drawing/painting/comic/etc artist means i get to do whatever i want w my writing fuck you#maybe ppl who cant draw hafta use more words but i honestly dont fuckin need to so fuck off w your pretentious bs
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idk if its the late nights and lack of activity (my own fault) but i’ve been feeling like i need out of this friend group more and more. Idk what it is (i do, it just seems… petty and stupid. And just seems like a me problem not a them problem.)
problem ofc is that, there are a couple people i like as friends in the group. hell fuck i love them all and don’t want them out of my life completely. sort of wish that I didn’t have my ex out of my life completely. Maybe one day we can reconnect. But we both have to be more mature for that. We both need more growth. No idea how he’s doing.
I feel like I villified him a bit in my brain. Which was urged by my closest friend. Who I trust with my life so. (this was after I confessed maybe I have problems with him to to this friend. which was valid). Idk, people approach things differently. And I agree’d with my friend.
I think its a problem with how I talk. I guess I come off in absolutes? Idk. I give off, strange vibes when I talk. This tangent makes no sense to anybody but me.
But also, can’t just, drop em? They’re sort of my only friend group. It ain’t like I get out and about. I don’t mesh well with people. It sort of sucks that the most I’ve meshed well with is my ex, my bestie, and another friend. My ex is no contact so fuck me ig. My bestie is pre-occupied with other things and personally, I feel we’ve drifted a bit. I’m not too bothered by it? It’s neither of our faults, just taking different life paths. Also going from complete co-dependency to what we have now. What we have now is probably just normal friendship lmao. And then the other friend is a couple years younger than me, so obviously they do have their set of friends within their age group. Which I encourage them hanging out, like obviously. I see myself as more of an older brother figure ig. Try to part some wisdom I’ve gained. Then theres my crush and obviouslt rhats a mess, I wish I never had a crush on him so we could have a normal relationship. I wish I could have friends?? Idk. what am I talking bout?
So, yeah. I need to get out of the house more often so I can meet like-minded people (in the creative and path sense) so I can actually do the things I want to do. I don’t even need to be a producer or lead or director. Fuck I’m happy starting from the bottom and working my way up. (Ideal situation is mainly being on equal footing. I want people to give their input and ideas to my ideas, and vise versa)
#ker talks#it’s strange nowadays i feel like when i reach out im being annoying or smth#whether im reaching out for positive stuff or negative#when i do i rarely get a satisfactory response in my mind. feels like i’m being brushed off.#or ya know i’d like to hold a conversation thats got some meat to it? but it fizzles out#shit wondering if my bestie even wants to talk to me.#last time I came over I was hoping to watch jerma together and we did-ish. he sort of was textin/interacting with his crush#or just on his phone idk. call me a boomer but it bugs me when people r on their phone in a one on one situation#I understand if it’s a bigger group or if ya just checking it#but it seemed fuckin constant. it sucked. shit.#its worse when we get high together esp since i only get high alone so i tend to scroll a bit too#but itd be nice if when we got high we did stuff together esp in person next time we hang out i’ll keep note of this stuff and bring it up#just to make sure i aint making it up. esp cause i feel like im being stupidly jealous bout this#i see him interact with others? whats different bout me. he said he feels comfortable actually unmasking round me#and i know interaction drains him and fuck he went through so much and is trying his hardest to stay alive and sane rn#so idk i dont want to put more on his plate. but its fucking me up a bit too.#hell one of the things we went thru together. reacted differently and affected differently cause slightly different situations.#its honestly one of my working theories on why we drifted cause we keep reminding eachother of that night by interacting.#it sucks. alot. i dont want to be reminded of my failures. of the fact it traumatized him so fuckinf deeply and i failed.#and then i feel guilty for even feeling like shit bout the event cause i didnt have /that/ happen to me i just happrned to be there.#i need a goddamn professional to sort this out. it sucks ass. and i hate that it fuels my self hate#both to do with my inability to protect and feeling insignificant. overshadowed. thats the worse feeling of it all.
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Congrats on sending that application!
THANK UUUUUU
#it was to a dominos and my partner is a gm in training at a different branch and i have over a year delivery driving experience#already and know Exactly How Low Their Standards Are so im not worried about getting it‚ mostly just that my brain will still be too mushy#to handle a job again#but i mean since it is just dominos and im only aiming for part time it hopefully shouldn't be too bad#and i do not care if they don't like me bc my resumes already pretty good as is i don't need a glowing review from dominos#esp bc i could just put my bf down as a dominos reference and theyd probably just Assume i worked for him and call him#instead of the store i actually worked at KWNDLABFKSBFJD#which is v good bc having seen a lot of what goes on behind the scenes on the manager side via my bf. i already know i am#going to cause problems LMAO#i have the Transgender Working In Very Liberal Area Right Next To Very Conservative Area Protection Aura#wherein the bosses here are So Very Scared of getting in trouble for bigotry and want to look sososososo woke. that i can get away#with being way more blunt abt when shit sucks lol#bosses don't really know what to do when The One Openly Transgender One directly calls out unfair expectations to their face#and to be clear i do mean liberal as in Liberal we're still very much in the North Idaho Splash Zone so like#open bigotry doesnt happen and the public will be on your side if it does. but boy do they know actually nothing about it#you know the type i mean kwbfksbfkd#like the best example i can think of is a couple ppl at my last job still she/her'd me long after i started passing as male#and me Being A Transgender™ had made the news rounds#and my other coworkers wouldnt correct them and would just he/him and they/them me back#which im fine w bc thats how my pronouns work is just. idk whatever you think‚ if you wanna she me you can just look dumb LMAO#but crucially 99% of my coworkers Didnt know thats how that worked‚ they just knew im A Transgender and look like a man#and that everyone else didn't use she/her for me anymore‚ so like an actually left place would rightly assume#they were doing it deliberately to be shitty and correct them‚ whereas here theyre just like. ah im sure they just havent noticed#since you went by she/her when you started here#and its like no i dont think the beard i grew halfway through working there went unnoticed actually#given that Thats When The Universal He Himming Started#im rambling again sorry for this word avalanche irt a simple congrats i got distracted JEBFKABFKSBFKDBFMD#anyways. tyvm it was stressful and i still dont want to do it but its out of my hands now so i have to follow through and at least give it#a try and i appreciate the encouragement‚ it rlly did make me feel a lot better just seeing the ask#gibberasks
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:p
#why am i like having more trouble keeping track of some of these characters as this book goes on LOL#who the fuck is heir thiessen#ig they do be adding more and there’s a million different povs so#but i’m pretty sure this guy has been here for a while#and idk who he is LOL lemme see if the chapter will clear that up for me XD#jeanne talks#reading wow :00000 i’m like significant amount thru this book ehehe#as in like almost halfway#idk why i didn’t just say that instead of significant lol 🤪#rip my reading once school starts again 1;;-;-;—;—;—;—;;;;;;-;#i wanna keep reading tho#what if i reread heroes of o/lympus#aka what if i reread the lost hero tbh and maybe the bIood of oIympus#aka i want jason content LMAO#but that would be like easy read while school happening ig#since i’ve read them 1938447726328 times#u know i joined the storygraph jan reading challenge#and like yeah rn it seems like i can read some pages every day no problem bro#but it’s a lieee lmao i got classes and shit lol 😭#we’re gonna see tho we’ll try lmfao#HES THE CLOCK GUY k cool
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hang on im thinking abt bellumbeck again
#salty talks#ph is a messy little game with enough wiggle room to really elevate some of the stuff it does just using what it gives us#like. i do think a lot abt what kind of stuff i personally would want to see in a ph anime or some other long form adaptation#and i always love the idea of specifically making sure to make it so that a LOT of the stuff with linebeck feeds into bellumbeck#like. make it really hurt slowly build up to it make it so much that his arc his development his feelings it all gets tangled in bellumbeck#idk i like bellumbeck i like the potential it has for linebeck n the potential is has to have to do with a lot of stuff throughout the game#screwing around with linebeck and bellum in aus is fun too bc it helps me figure out different facets to this too#esp when i choose to go at bellum more as a sentient character and all of that#anyways on the topic of like what happens directly after bellumbeck#the general idea i have is that it leaves linebeck knocked out (or smth) for a few days afterwards#as well as leaving him kinda just wounded all over (yknow the one agreed upon back scar but some other stuff in other places)#(idea is that hes very much in danger of death those few days vague idea is that link comes across him n keeps an eye on him til he wakes u#and when he does wake up hes very sick and weak (bottom line is that his body is treating it like a virus)#(trying to kill and expel and just fucking get rid of anything left in his body from the bellumbeck thing)#ofc he lives (this is notable) and has scars n shit (not certain on lasting effects tbh working on that)#one thing that comes to mind is weaker immune system but he already has a garbage immune system i think#could be some general immune system issue#i do try to make it closer to like. sickness or a physical ailment as opposed to magic crap#ive halfway considered making it so thst he kinda benefits from surviving (like some weird practical aftereffects#what comes to mind other than that is lasting pain in or pain caused by straining his back or smth#ive tried looking up real lifr long term effects of larger scars but i hardly find what im looking for#eh im still brainstorming that kinda stuff. i def am gonna hsr the ideas of lasting pain or pain in straining his back tho#like in the time after recovering he spends a fair bit of time testing how and how far he can stretch or strain his back#and trying to build up a resistance and like train it back up or smth but otherwise maybe a new vulnerability to like. light magic#brainstormin just thinking abt it theres a lot to thiink abt with bellumbeck#oh yeah edit on the thing abt linebeck surviving think of it like its rabies. on all accounts he should fucking die but he makes it
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