#just starting and stopping tasks
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hahabsbbdbdbdvd anxiety exposures are going great why do you ask
#i told her what C said abt wanting my providers to like me and now T also wont tell me if she likes me or not 🫠#and i have to pracrice saying no which feels bad and wrong and i hate it#so T kept doing things like asking me to hand her stuff that i could very easily do and i then was supposed to say no#it sounds dumb but i was actually dying#also im having issues initiating tasks so thats what im working on this week#just starting and stopping tasks#why is this so HARD just typing it out i feel ridiculous#social anxiety exposures
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Bootblacking is my favourite kink to give Izzy, because of course this guy would get his rocks off doing precise, repetitive, manual labour. OF COURSE he gets off on what is essentially just another chore on his list.
#this is genuine btw#i think it fits his character so wonderfully#taking this time to relax & forget about everything else. to kneel at his lovers feet and fall into a sort of trance doing the same motion#over and over. the satisfaction of a task well done.#i also think he often struggles to calm his brain down- too busy thinking about what still needs doing and what could go wrong-#so he finds it hard to allow himself the time to truly relax. something like bootblacking lets him feel like hes doing something while also#getting to have that moment of peace he so desperately needs#nyxtalks#ofmd#our flag means death#izzy hands#israel hands#nsft#a little. mostly to be safeeeeee#thinking about ed tricking him into it when they were younger- after they got their own ship they stopped having time to be kids#and izzy got so anxious about the whole deal. its not that he pulled away from ed; hes still just as present as ever when ed wants him#but he never sits in the captains cabin in the evening. he never stops. the second theres a moment of pause hes onto the next task#and eds boots do need dealing with. so ed frames it as something he needs izzy to do for him. sit there while ed works out their next move#the cabins only small so izzy takes the floor while ed works at the desk- better to keep the mess away from the maps anyway#and ed chatters as he thinks about where theyre going; just mindless noise that izzy doesnt need to really listen to.#and the brush is moving in his hands and its calm and. his brain goes quiet for the first time in months#(ed notices this obviously)#(hes gonna start making izzy do this every couple months)#(this is the real reason he wears so much leather- gotta get a rota going!)
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I will forever hold this part in the second op of Death Note close to my heart.
L and his lil capoeira.
#death note#l lawliet#L death note#LOOK AT THAT SWIFT MOVEMENT#I really really hope L did capoeira in the LCTW novel#it's literally action focused they had all the chances there#can't stop thinking that sometimes L does martial arts when he's stressed or something#but he stopped doing it when the task force personally met him and began investigating w him#tho sometimes when he thinks everyone's asleep or when the task force had gone home he'd go to an empty floor#and just... start doing capoeira#i think he starts with doing little moves that can even count as dancing to build momentum and everything goes from there#I AM OBSESSED WITH L AND MARTIAL ARTS IF Y'ALL KNOW ANY FIC PLS PLS TELL ME#'how many times have you watched it?' '#'yes'
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im so emotionally attached to jason grace it's not even funny atp. i literally think about him all day, I'm not exaggerating pls someone tell me they feel this way too 😮💨
#i actually might need to stop posting jason grace content for a while bc it's getting overwhelming lmao. the hyperfixation is REAL#I have so many ideas about him to post that i had to write it down on my notes app 😭#it's gotten so bad that I have attention span issues to do real life tasks bc I just wanna keep talking abt jason's character all day-#i actually went like 1/2 months without a jason grace hyper fixation. that's around the time I was inactive on tumblr#but these past few weeks the hyper fixation is hitting me harder. I'm pretty sure you can tell by how many posts i spammed this week#the fact that the jason grace x reader community isn't as active as it was back then is also not helping my hyperfixation at all#there used to be HEAPS of them every day that I looked forward to reading them every morning now I can't even see 2 in a week#i used these fics as an 'aid' for my attachment and still kinda do#also don't even get me started on how his death devastates me every single day omg like I feel genuine RAGE#pjo fanfic#pjo#pjo hoo toa#pjo series#percy jackson#percy jackson fandom#jason grace#pjo hoo#pjo fandom
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woops, you're pathologizing a normal human behaviour again
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ive talked to a lot of ppl who have taken vyvanse now and i think ik a bit more on how i need to live on it
#1) dopamine drops on lower dosages or high dosage but in the evenings feel like hell and it wont ever stop you have to just breathe#you will stop breathing well and you wont notice it so you have to remember to breathe deeply. this helps immensely for some reason#2) you will stop processing the existence of food as a consumable thing and not just an object like Table or Cardboard. you will not want to#eat anything. you have to buy meal replacement shakes. sweetness is one of the only pleasant flavours. eat protein. eat as much protein as#you can. down those meal replacament shakes. get enough for a day. try not to into calorie deficits on vyvanse.#3) your mind will be searching for cognitively complex tasks and everything else dwarfs in comparison. dont lay down. do something.#4) you have to exercise. fully exercise at the gym not a home 20 min work out. you need to push your body right now so that you can be ok#5) nothing will be as intense and vivid and beautiful and there will be a layer of seperation between you snd reality even on a lower dosage#this is fine. this is the primary price. sunlight helps and so does doing complex tasks but you cant avoid this. remind yourself that this#is a self-induced thing and its temporary and itll fade.#6) youve been ship of theseus'd into a new person and this effect only increases later into the day. any conclusion you reach about yourself#is most likely not applicable to your non-vyvanse self.#7) carry chapstick around. keep drinking water. dry mouth starts 5 minutes after taking it#8) some of your friends have a reduced range of emotion and this makes them more stable but less capable of experiencing intense joys#and sadnesses. look at them. listen to their perspective. live like them when youre on the medication.#9) music is still gorgeous#10) you will feel very hot very fast. wear layers you can take off.#11) pick up a bow and shoot. keep shooting. keep going. shoot at least 50 arrows if you can. feel the pain in your arms and your shoulders#and then keep shooting.
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Wow I made a comic about myself, can you believe it?
I really really wanted to continue working on my game because its been a while but my brain just wouldnt let me, rip me... Have fun with my ligma lol
Its no fun :c even if it kinda is but urgh I hate this ;_;
#executive dysfunction#adhd#actually adhd#adhd comic#adhd problems#comics#vent#vent art#my art#i was hesitating to use adhd related tags but here we go :' )#starting or stopping with a task or just finishing a task just kills me everyday why is everything so hard???
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There's this pull in recovery to feel behind in comparison to your peer group, and that's, of course, a valid feeling. It's understandable, but I think a lot of what we don't remember is that... they often aren't starting out in the same place you are.
I think part of the reason so many feel terrible about "being behind" is that it feels like we have to blame ourselves for being behind. If you just weren't affected by it, you'd be right where your peers are, right? It's a way to blame yourself in severe cases.
Recovery isn't about "catching up," I think. It's about pressing the play button and letting yourself live. You might never "catch up," you might never be at the "same level," but that fundamentally doesn't change that your life is worth living how you want it to.
#mental health#recovery#i always conceptualize it in a metaphor of planets...#...because it feels like my own has stopped completely and everything in it has withered away...#...i don't think people think 'time has stopped but the world is moving on without me' as profound until you experience it...#...because i'll look at other people and what their metaphorical planets look like and i just... find it heartbreaking if i let it...#...and i think the comparison in recovery can easily be a way for you to weaponize your own suffering against yourself...#...because it DOES feel good and it feels productive to be the punished and the punisher...#...and that shields you away from recognizing that it's almost literally the opposite of freeing or productive#to me it's akin to the viewpoint that suffering is divine and is a Test Of Mettle#that if you only suffer until the day you die you will Be Rewarded...#...but i find that there is no glory in a war waged against yourself...#...that the battlefield is coated only in your blood is not a testament to you Deserving a Good Life...#...you already deserve a good life regardless of what war you are fighting. and that's hard to swallow...#...because then it feels like your suffering to prove yourself was POINTLESS...#...and you have to swallow the fact that you suffered and you didn't 'have' to#i just want people to start to internalize these ideas or even just think about it in context of themselves#i don't *want* you to suffer for your recovery (though this is a pretty impossible task regardless ime)
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So many projects I want to work on, so much planning to do for fun trips, so much holiday fun imminent, and not enough time
#definitely was spooky#like. i have all of the things to do that i was putting off bc deadlines but now that i have time it's just been a lot of decision paralysi#is that the name for it? idk.#but like. wanna rewrite the dragon's tears for totkau wanna finish the last ones wanna finish my notes for the story wanna write the END#wanna make a post about my splatoon saf cast properly so i can start just making posts whenever i think about their rehearsals#wanna finish my midi arrangement.#< that's a big one and i'm really feeling that rn.#seeing smy doing such cool stuff learning to draw is making me want to keep learning that skill and finish that arrangement#gonna have to move it to different software probably for the better string samples#just kinda daunting. perhaps my first midi project in five years shouldn't have also been my first orchestral arrangement#especially when i did little to no music making in that time#i wasn't gonna talk abt it on tumblr but sack it if you read this far i'm telling you#it's tricky because it's an arrangement of melodies from saf in the style of a very specific piece of music from the end of totk#so trying to make those styles go together is probably a task better suited to someone with FAR more experience.#not to someone doing his first arrangement of someone else's music.#also need/want to plan a lot of stuff for cosplays which is also daunting bc i have done cosplay in public a grand total of two (2) times#only one of which was meant to be seen by other fans. so.#i wanna start making bracelets for icbiballtay too. need more s beads though lol#and i haven't even mentioned getting started on my next assignments gfkgshkgsk#anyway i should stop running my mouth online but also hi
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Nowadays trying really fucking hard to teach to my brain that it's okay and better to "just do 10 min of this task" even if it means leaving it unfinished (but further along than before!) rather than not doing it "because when I do it I should do it all" Because jfc I can't keep leaving my house in states where I need to do 30+ minutes of dishes instead of just... doing a little everyday and at least it remains a manageable amount in the sink even if it's not always emptied...
#it's hard but i'm doing my best#im using housekeep chores as an example bc it's an easy one but really this is for everything in my life rn#better draw 10 minutes than none at all#better practise for my driving license 10 minutes than none at all#because I VERY rarely actually get the cross of energy AND motivation to do “a whole task”#rn my brain hates not doing a whole task but i'm sure with practise it'll become easier to feel rewarded for doing just a bit#at least future me thanks me every fucking time so yknow#i just have to practise enough so it doesn't feel like i'm forcing myself everytime#bc starting is always the hardest part#and even if i stop AT LEAST I DID 10 MINUTES OF THE THING SO IT'S NOT STAGNATING HOLY SHIT#i wish i was a functioning human :)#or at least a functioning artist that enjoyed drawing for 4 hours straight after work lmao#beary talk#beary ramble#beary life
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#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#favorites#we're not moving until june but I was looking at housing anyway#and I might've found us somewhere really good 🤞#it's cheaper than where our other partner is already living now#so they could just move into it right away#and it's a whole house!!! with 3 bedrooms!!!#so we wouldn't have to just make do and then move a second time a couple months down the line#so it was a really really lucky find#but the contact info on the listing was broken so our other partner ran by this afternoon on their way home from work#and they also got really really lucky cuz the property manager happened to be stopping by!#so they exchanged business cards and they'll start negotiating in the morning#(they work in sales and I can trust them with this task)#(which means I don't need to worry about it and we probably have better odds than we would if I was doing it XD )#(I am *awful* at sales.)#it's a pretty old building and may need some work but we'd be able to afford to do that work#(and probably have the leeway from the owners)#so maybe this is finally the win we needed -n-#(or maybe not! nothing's been signed.)#(but it's definitely looking promising.)
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I think it's funny that people took the word "parallel play" and declared its a neurodivergent thing. no it's a child development thing I'm pretty sure most adults understand the concept of "comfortable silence" and "wanting company while I do things, but not necessarily wanting to talk'
#parallel play is when children play separately in silence and is most common in younger children because most of them eventually move on to#playing together collaboratively#but just because a child develops social skills and awareness and starts to involve others in play doesnt mean they STOP parallel play#and also. as an adult youre not like being assessed on whether youre including your classmates in playing blocks#like its unusual for older children to not include peers in their activities. THAT part is the autism part#its not like developmentally unusual for adults to have things they do separately but in the same room/environment/etc even silently#cause youre not. Playing. like including your adult friend in your work tasks or your twittet scrolling or your book reading isnt a#developmental milestone#idk i saw someone being like 'i love doing parallel play with my husband and doing my own thing while he does his i cant believe NTs feel#the need to talk to their partners every time they're around' and im like oh my god get off ~neurospicy~ twitter
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I want,,,,to play a video game,,,because I deserve it for doing stuff today,,,but,,,the fucking eepy <//3333
#please god help i haven't played a video game in 2 weeks#> I think about playing game#>'No with the time you're playing games you could be working on your assignment'#> doesn't play games. also doesn't work on my assignment#> gets tired. goes to bed#the cycle....#I didn't even do that much work related really...I just. stop being as worried for a multitude of reasons#one group hadn't even started their document...and we got like. clarification on some things we needed clarification on#I added references I needed so I don't have to worry about that and I can. move on with the rest of the work#we have A Week. we can get it done#also tiny bit motivated because we got the damn repo for the document actually up so I can actually. see progress I'm making when I push#yay <3#but I walked far and back to help a friend with smth and I think that counts as like. tasks completed today#even if it wasn't strictly uni work related#some stardew valley mayhaps....maybe...#android.txt
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My theory on Miko’s apparent electrical powers, made into a 2-ish minute video.
I didn’t count a moment in Ping where Miko’s eyes spark after using a speed boost because it’s shown that the exact same thing happens to other characters after they use speed boosts.
#glitch techs#miko kubota#theory#she’s a glitch I know it#one thing I’ve noticed so far with analyzing Miko’ feats#is that the more focused she gets on a single thing#the less human she becomes just for a moment#like the more she hyperfocuses on a task and acts on pure instinct without thinking the more ‘glitchy’ things she does#Like her mind believes she’s human and limits her to stuff that a human can do#but once she’s thrown thought to the side and is acting more on impulse and instinct she moves more like a game character#or at least like she’s using a TAS in real life#Like the second she’s hyperfocuses on something to the point of tuning out everything around her#her reflexes and speed go through the roof#plus the electrical stuff starts happening#like she’s pushed out all thought besides ‘’I need to do this one single thing no matter what’’#and mind stops subconsciously holding her back because her focus on this one thing is too overwhelming
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Applied for a job and applying to community college. It feels weird. It feels like I'm 18 again, even though I'm turning 23 in less than a week. It feels promising though
#so when i was 18 i was supposed to go to college!#i was. i was accepted and everything. i had plans#i was going to go for sign language interpreting. i had hella scholarships#and then. they went bankrupt. spring break before i was supposed to attend#it was unfortunate. i didnt have time to try to attend another college. and asl interpreting isnt a common course#so i moved out of my parents house a few weeks after graduation and just started working#it was great. until i moved to philadelphia#where i lost all of my money and tanked my credit score by being poor#so now im back with my parents#what a horrible cyclical turn of events#and for the longest time ive been trying to get out again. move out. get back to work#i have a job now but it barely pays uh. anything#and i was fighting so hard to escape that i didnt stop to think that i dont have the means to and i would just end up not great again#so i decided to apply for a front desk and marketing position at the same place my older sibling works#an art center. a place that i really fucking love tbh#and a nearby community college has free college for people that were essential workers during the pandemic#i think i would have to live in this state for a year tho so maybe not college right now#but maybe someday. if i get this marketing/front desk position then im sure ill stick around for a bit#idk im having weird conflicting feelings about trying to put down roots here#but i cant leave anytime soon. thats kind of hitting me#i dont have money. or a good credit score. i will not be accepted to an apartment#and even if i am i will not be able to pay rent#so i might as well get a job i like. not just a placeholder#see about going to college. especially if its free#and instead of like. waiting for my life to start. maybe do something with it while i have it#if that makes sense#suicide tw ahead-#i didnt think i was going to make it past age 18. and now im nearly 23#so im living every day with no plans#every day is a lovely little gift that i never expected to have so now its a task to try and figure out what to do with it
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i am very excited to start a new project with my new room layout. unfortunately i do have to finish moving everything about before i can do that :/
#tasks that would be so fun to do with someone else. hanging n laughing#unfortunately im scared of leaving the house#i think this one feels good though. maybe i can go another year before living w my mum sucks my soul out#nyxtalks#i should also. finish some older projects too. that is also something i should do#im just very excited about this 18th century dress. been all in all focus on it all week#i am trying to be better about not starting 100 things though#maybe i should at least get my other sewing projects to a good stopping point before i stop#but
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