#just so assholes on the internet don’t steal it. what the fuck

[thinkingabout-girls]

i’m so fucking tired dude

[space-writes]

AITA tag game

tagged by @the-inkwell-variable, thank you! man, i have to do this for King Problematic himself, who I’m fairly certain would have a reddit account, and would post shit like this purely to bask in the internet outrage of it all (Rainier. It’s Rainier. worst man alive whomst i adore)

RULES: Make an Am I the Asshole post for an OC!

[ID - a red decorative divider]

AITA for dating a guy I met at work?

throwaway for anonymity, but someone’ll probably out me anyway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ so be it.

So, preface: I (36M) don’t date. I hook up, I sleep around, yadda yadda, I’m a big slut, whatever. Who cares. Point being, I’m not a relationship guy. Or I wasn’t, until I met V.

At first it was just a sex thing (also I thought he might have stolen something from my office so I was trying to figure out if he had — and he was cute, and into me, so I was like ‘why not?’) but now we’ve been seeing each other for a few months and things are…incredible. Better than I ever imagined. He likes me for me and not my money, and he’s into my spiders, which pretty much no-one else I’ve ever hooked up with has been cool about.

(It turns out he did steal something from my office, by the way, but we worked through it. He’s helping me with the project it was for now.)

Anyway, recently some friends of mine found out about him, and I thought they’d be happy I finally got serious about someone, but instead they’re on my case about how I shouldn’t be seeing V, that it’s inappropriate because of my job, that I’m ““taking advantage”” of him somehow, despite the fact we’re both adults who chose to be in a relationship.

It’s doubly irritating because before this one of said friends (W) was always like ‘you never open up, you never care about anyone, I don’t think you even know what love is’ and now that I do care about someone, suddenly it’s the wrong choice and I’m a terrible person just because he doesn’t like that I met the guy at work.

Personally I think W is jealous because we used to hook up when we were younger (and still do a bit. or did.) but it never went anywhere. As if that’s my fault. As if you get to choose who you fall in love with.

Edit: since everyone’s asking, I’m a magus (demonology teacher).

Edit 2: not that it matters, but V turns 20 in a couple months.

[ID - a red decorative divider]

tags & taglist under the cut!

no-pressure tagging @foxboyclit @ceph-the-ghost-writer and @eccaiia

claws taglist: @belovedviolence @foxboyclit @coven-archives @noblebs @mjjune

@revenantlore @sarandipitywrites @k--havok @asterhaze @verba-writing

@indecentpause @bootstrapparadoxed @olliexwrites @cowboybrunch (ask to be +/-)

[munchmemes]

HARI KONDABOLU: WARN YOUR RELATIVES

because i was a fool and deleted the original post + updated a bit

❛ how is 800 not significant? ❜ ❛ you have to weave through a capitalist obstacle course. ❜ ❛ hey, [NAME], why did you miss your flight? ❜ ❛ i just bought a 40 pound Toblerone for no reason. ❜ ❛ hey, you look nervous. why do you look so nervous? ❜ ❛ how do little bottles keep us safer? ❜ ❛ what i think is happening is that the government is in cahoots with the little bottle people. ❜ ❛ then you walk through another machine that swipes right to left like this and steals your thoughts. ❜ ❛ it’s a little suspicious. it’s a little SUSPICIOUS! ❜ ❛ yes, pay respect to your silent masters. ❜ ❛ what does that tell you!? what does that tell you!? ❜ ❛ that tells me you're on the internet too much. ❜ ❛ this is a depression beard. i’m depressed right now. ❜ ❛ i'm depressed right now. i am just a threat to myself. you have nothing to worry about. ❜ ❛ but if you’re there, then who’s - ❜ ❛ if you're the expert on being harassed, it's time you do the harassing, right? ❜ ❛ who brought the asshole with the microphone? ❜ ❛ why [is he] yelling so much? ❜ ❛ it was a delightful diminishment of my life's work. ❜ ❛ you need to keep it simple. elementary, my dear watson. elementary. ❜ ❛ look at you! look at what you look like! ❜ ❛ i look like a Muppet getting a PhD. ❜ ❛ i'm talking really loudly 'cause i want everyone to hear. ❜ ❛ Kid Rock, right? ❜ ❛ and also: WHAT THE FUCK? ❜ ❛ Kid Rock? you confused me with Kid Rock? ❜ ❛ maybe [they] saw the K and the I and ignored all the other letters. which is weird because that's not how reading works. ❜ ❛ that's the saddest shit in the world! ❜ ❛ but [they] felt bad. and i felt better so it was a win-win situation. ❜ ❛ well, you could’ve fooled me. ❜ ❛ i clearly fooled you! you were fooled! ❜ ❛ i don’t know what the fuck that means! ❜ ❛ i don’t know why you do this to us! ❜ ❛ well, now i know how to end the show, great. ❜ ❛ fucking snowflake. ❜ ❛ you don’t know me! i was an athlete! yes, chess is a sport! ❜ ❛ i’ve never heard of that technology. ❜ ❛ why are you blatantly lying to us? ❜ ❛ i figured it out. what they are doing is using the philosophy which is held within the song "it wasn't me" by Shaggy. ❜ ❛ things are so bad. they’re just really fucking awful. ❜ ❛ everything feels like the end of a Kurt Vonnegut novel. ❜ ❛ it's not good. it's just better than nothing, right? ❜ ❛ health insurance might as well be run by casinos at this point. ❜ ❛ it goes through the system, gets negotiated back and forth and you end up with far less than you want. ❜ ❛ what do we have now? like, echinacea, prayer and a hug. and [they're} trying to take the hug away. ❜ ❛ no, i don't know what those words mean. but i saw Rocky IV. ❜ ❛ my proposal wasn't about a redistribution of wealth. my healthcare proposal was about a redistribution of organs. ❜ ❛ after rich people die - i mean, after we kill them -  ❜ ❛ we kill these rich people and we take the organs from them. ❜ ❛ and we'd feast. we’d eat a little meal i call justice. ❜ ❛ now, you might be thinking 'well, [NAME], that sounds so unreasonable.' yes! it is! ❜

❛ i can’t believe [they] won though. i mean, seriously?! ❜ ❛ i don't wanna put my values on you but i was always told not to do that. honestly, i wasn't even told. i just kind of knew. ❜ ❛ i love my mom, man. my mom is my favourite person. ❜ ❛ my mom is the reason why i’m funny. ❜ ❛ my dad is the reason i have anxiety. ❜ ❛ half of your genes were an obstacle to overcome. ❜ ❛ don’t have children. only stupid people have children. ❜ ❛ my mom was Grindr before there was Grindr. ❜ ❛ ultimately, that’s what this is about. change hearts and minds. ❜ ❛ homosexuality is not an open rebellion against God. do you know what an open rebellion against God is? NASA. ❜ ❛ not now, [NAME]! ❜ ❛ that joke was about divinity! about identity! it was about the nature of power! ❜ ❛ so, i was licking this girl’s asshole … ❜ ❛ man, i fucking hate firefighters. ❜ ❛ who hates firefighters? what are you, the fucking Human Torch? ❜ ❛ what is this, the 1980s? or the Midwest now? ❜ ❛ it’s too spicy. what is it? ❜ ❛ it’s water. ❜ ❛ it’s a lemon. ❜ ❛ can i put ketchup on it? i wanna put ketchup. i wanna put ketchup on everything! ❜ ❛ that is the glorious taste of something. you’re tasting something. ❜ ❛ the story is, the mango was very juicy. that's the whole story. ❜ ❛ can you tell me the mango story again? ❜ ❛ it’s because that mango is that GOOD! ❜ ❛ it’s a good mango. ❜ ❛ i fucking love mangoes!! ❜ ❛ i would start a mango podcast if i could. ❜ ❛ this is why you need to cut your high school friends from Facebook. ❜ ❛ why does the devil need an advocate? he's the devil! why does the prince of darkness need your help exactly? ❜ ❛ that’s interesting. have you thought about selling your soul to the devil? ❜ ❛ you know, if you'd like to live forever, you could sell your soul to the devil. ❜ ❛ that’s all the devil wants! ❜ ❛ and i said 'yes' even though i had no idea what this meant. ❜ ❛ oh, shit! acting! ❜ ❛ oh, shit! he’s pretending this is real or something. ❜ ❛ this shit is wild. ❜ ❛ and then … HE PUNCHED ME IN THE CHEST. ❜ ❛ this is acting? i hate acting. ❜ ❛ oh, it’s okay. i have that joke. ❜ ❛ if you think i’m talking about you, then yes, i’m definitely talking about you, yes. ❜ ❛ we're gonna snapchat the revolution. ❜ ❛ you can't ask me where i'm from and not know geography. ❜ ❛ where's your white guilt? ❜ ❛ i'm not looking for a lot of white guilt, just enough where you apologize even if you don't mean it. ❜ ❛ i was vexed. i was fuming. i had had it up to here. ❜ ❛ there's no time for symbolism! ❜ ❛ what’s the deal with that old dude? ❜

[wendytestabrat]

kyle’s most toxic/chaotic episodes:

•ike’s wee wee - for harassing ike once he found out he was adopted and saying he’s not his real brother and then sending him on a train to nebraska

•cow days - for him being a spoiled materialistic brat and a jerk to cartman all for some terrance & phillip dolls; HE FUCKING THREATENS CARTMAN INTO RIDING A BULL AND THEN WHEN CARTMAN GETS HURT AND HAS TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL HE STILL MAKES CARTMAN GO BACK ON THE BULL

•douche & turd - for bullying and pressuring stan to vote for a giant douche, sending puff daddy after him, LITERALLY SPITTING ON HIM, and using kenny for his own benefit all so he could beat cartman. also the fact that he wanted a giant douche as the mascot was just immature af LOL

•cartman’s incredible gift - for jumping off a fucking roof because he couldn’t stand to see people taking cartman seriously as a psychic

•mr. garrison’s fancy new vagina - for his blatant racism (and internalized anti-semitism) assuming he would only be good at basketball if he was tall & black - basically he did blackface here LOL

•two days before the day after tomorrow - for hiding the jew gold

•ginger kids - for BREAKING AND ENTERING into cartman’s room to turn him into a ginger which caused cartman to go on an extermination against every non-ginger

•le petit tourette - for rounding up 47388392 pedophiles to shoot themselves on dateline because he was mad abt cartman pretending to have tourettes (even tho he was just jealous of cartman’s brilliant idea LOL)

•imaginationland - for being so fucking arrogant and sure that leprechauns aren’t real that he signed a legally binding contract to suck cartman’s balls (which wasn’t very smart) and then couldn’t honor his commitment when he was wrong. i’m sorry but like IDGAF what a bet is about you just don’t agree to suck someone’s balls idc how sure u are that you’re gonna win LOL.

•tonsil trouble - for making fun of cartman for having aids and then gets MAD at cartman for making aids jokes later on to stay positive smh

•britney’s new look - for coming up with the idea to get a paparazzi photo of britney for $$ - it was his fault that britney shot herself

•fatbeard - for purposely trying to get cartman sent off to somalia to die and inadvertently making his brother go there too

•you have 0 friends - for being an annoying social media prick and not leaving stan alone about facebook and doing dumbass shit to get more FB friends WHO GIVES A SHIT people who care too much abt their social media followers are losers

•it’s a jersey thing - yeah do i even need to explain this one?

•crack baby athletic association - for exploiting crack babies for money and acting selfish & greedy like cartman in the process

•you’re getting old/ass burgers - FOR SELLING OUT STAN AT HIS WORST AND BEING A BACKSTABBING ASSHOLE

•a history channel thanksgiving - for throwing a hissy fit over cartman’s idea to use the history channel for their thanksgiving report and then getting all pouty later that he was wrong about aliens or whatever the fuck

•ginger cow - i don’t need to explain this one

•go fund yourself - for being all extra and causing drama by making his own startup company bc he was jealous of cartman for coming up with the name ‘washington redskins’

•stunning and brave - for encouraging cartman to stand up to PC principal and getting him sent to the hospital (AND BTW KYLE DIDN’T WANNA DO SHIT ABT PC PRINCIPAL UNTIL IT PERSONALLY AFFECTED HIM AND HE GOT IN TROUBLE FOR THE COMMENT HE MADE ABOUT CAITLYN JENNER)

•skank hunt - for accusing cartman of being the troll and getting everyone all riled up to break his shit

•wieners out - for him being salty when he found out cartman moved on with heidi, you know after he deadass broke all of cartman’s shit

•fort collins - for him threatening to expose cartman’s INTERNET HISTORY to heidi

•doubling down - for stealing heidi from cartman

•super hard PCness - for blowing up canada bc he was still pissed off about cartman & heidi LOL

•tegridy farms - for enabling cartman to sell vapes to kindergarteners (including his brother) despite his original stance of being against it, deadass almost giving up his entire birthday money for cartman, and then letting cartman beat up the drug dealer & helping him break into a vape shop 🙄

•south parq vaccination special - for trying to steal the vaccines for himself - yet bitching at stan & cartman that they were being selfish JFC

•south park post covid and the return of covid - for getting mad at cartman for being a rabbi and having a happy family and accusing him of stupid bullshit and cussing in front of his wife & kids (bringing up shit from 40 years ago) and then making cartman sacrifice his entire family to help him

•the streaming wars part 1 - for giving up all the money they earned on the streaming services to let cartman get tits LOL

[blood-injections]

Once in a while I’ll hyperfixate on my own aus and I’m like god this would be SO FUCKING GOOD IF I COULD JUST WRITE IT and I’ll sit back down and crank out a chapter if I’m lucky and then lose all ability I have to write and not touch it again for like two months so the specific one I’d love to post right now except when I do write it it’s. It’s not in order. I started in the middle and I now have like the two beginning chapters and I have a bunch of random scenes idk where they’d be yet and I have the end and there’s like maybe ten chapters but like the amount of the au they cover is so small the finished fic would have to be like fifty chapters at this rate. And each chapter is at least 3k words and so it’s like. I have the main shit figured out but it’s so hard coming up with the filler stuff so so it’s just a big block of very holey cheese and I want to post it but I can’t because I don’t have the beginning and I don’t want this specific one to be fucked up and out of order with funky flashbacks or the future as a start or whatever and then it goes back and tells the story like those are cool but this one I’m doing normal but ohh my god else wise I’d post it right now I’m obsessed with it. It’s that venom sib pornodroid au I posted about forever ago where it’s Pois and Kobra in the place of red and blue in the comics and poisons battery is dying so Kobra has to go and try to get a new one but they deny it because poisons an outdated model so Kobra shoots the dracs and just steals a battery and so they were already coming to recycle poison but now Kobra’s also wanted so they run away to the desert where yes they can still functuon they just like get cut off from the bat city internet system or whatever and they have to run off plus instead of like just plugging in like droids can in the city. But they always wanted to be killjoys were just too scared to risk it all try and escape and preferred to wait for destroya to come save them instead. But now they have no choice but they wanted ti be killjoys anyway so it works out and they get to the desert and choose their killjoy names and are exposed to like the culture and the freedom and all the different ways to say fuck you to BLi and learn that you can change more than just your name and poison embraces genderfluidity and kobra was a female model pornodroid but realizes he’s trans so fucking transgender pornodroid hell yeah. Also he figures out he’s a aroace and he really hates his past so he tries to forget about it and a couple months into life in the desert they meet Jet and ghoul because ghoul got shot like an idiot and jets stitching him up in the diner that was the first shelter they spotted and Kobra and poison come back from a concert or rave and find them there and they hang out a bit and become friends and then a crew and after a few months when poison has totally fallen in love with ghoul but lowkey hat themself because they know they’re not human and can never be and that ghoul would hate them if they knew their secret(Pois and Kobra are hiding that they’re androids. They’re so troubled lmao) and that ghoul could never love them bc they’re not human and they also don’t want to be used or seen as what he was seen as in the city which was a tool and a product not a person. So they’re terrified and so is Kobra but poison gets shot one day a few months into being a crew and tries to hide it but his systems are trying to shut off because they register the injury and he wants to get back to the diner to fix themself but of course ghoul notices that he’s hiding pain and he’s like are you hurt and poison holds out until they get to the diner but then ghoul grabs their wrist and is like I KNOW you’re hurt let us help you let me help you and poison tries to convince him he’s fine and he makes knowing he contact with Kobra who defends him but sounds like an asshole bc he’s like leave them be when they’re obviously not fine and ghoul won’t let him go but poisons blacking out and crying and his systems shut off right there in the foyuer and everyone freaks the fuck out

and Kobra has to take over the situation and fix poisons damage and when they come back online everyone’s like silent and staring at them and they’re fine and they’re like yeah I’m. Im a droid. And Kobra’s like we both are because if they’re going down they’re going down together. But of course ghoul and Jet are amazing and don’t care they’re the same killjoys they’ve come to call their crew it doesn’t matter where they came from they have feelings and shit just like everyone else. And its all okay and ghouls still freaked out because surprise surprise he’s also like madly in love with poison and is now torn becuase of this so when poison rests some more he goes and chainsmokes on the roof and thinks over but finds he really doesn’t care what poisons made of and when poison wakes up and goes up there just to stargaze he instead finds ghoul and they have a nice long talk and poison tells him about their past and reveals that they’re not just a droid but a pornodroid and they just bond and shit and it’s all okay and ghouls like you don’t need to worry I’ll gladly watch the sun rise with you forever becuase they’ve been out on the roof talking all night and poisons like sounds romantic and ghouls like is that alright and poison like blushes and is like of course and the finally kiss like two days later.

And all is well actually everything is great for a few more months until they get in a fight with Korse and he’s like oh look who it is our escaped pornodroids and he talks shit at them like they’re not people and also Kobra hasn’t told anyone he’s trans he’s happy just presenting and not revealing those personal things about himself and his past so only poison knows he was a female pronodroid and while poison has been in love and doing great he’s been still hating himself and his body and his past and he’s totes autistic and is always overwhelmed and shit and every once in a while when he feels himself reaching a limit he takes time to himself to go blow off steam and scream into the desert in the middle of nowhere and shoot stuff or go to a concert or whatever and just empty that overfilling bucket. And when Korse comes he’s already been stressed but then Korse taunts him and calls him terrible shit and he’s like trembling in place as he’s like do your little friends there know what you are? That you’re a product of BLi? A droid? A bitch? And he’s like barely restraining himself but then Korse says something in reference to poison and how they’re an outdated model and would’ve been melted down if the two of them hadn’t malfunctioned and he basically says like a slur as he says that stuff and Kobra sees RED and fucking GOES FERAL AND ATTACKS HIM. And Korse can’t even fucking do anything his gun gets knocked aside and Kobra’s living up to his name and striking like a a fucking viper and absolutely beating Korses face in until he’s like unrecognizable. He’s not even aware of this, it’s a meltdown, he just went into a trance and doesn’t brave out of it until poison like grabs him and he realizes he’s shaking like a leaf and sobbing and he gets pulled away from Korse and they leave and leave him to die because he’s basically on the verge of death(they should’ve shot him though because he does in fact survive) and Kobra is like exhausted now becuase of this meltdown and all his secrets being exposed at once and he rests when they get back to the diner while poison freaks out and stays by his side all night becuase they’ve never seen Kobra like that and didn’t know he was struggling but they should have and once again morning comes and they have a nice long talk and Kobra agrees to be more open with everyone and everything’s fine again and like within a couple weeks he and Jet have formed a queerplatonic relationship and he’s doing better and it’s basically happily ever after but that’s not the end no there like a few year time skip. And poison was already an outdated model when they escaped the city and Kobra was a newer model but now they’re both like ancient in android terms and the desert has taken its toll on their mechanics and their batteries aren’t holding as much power anymore just like when poisons battery died before they escaped the city. Poison starts deteriorating first, limbs becoming stiff and achy, rust in their veins. They know their systems are messed up and there’s not really anything they can do and theyre fucking terrified and once again they hide their problems, they don’t show that they’re aging. But then the glitches start happening and they’re harder to hide and after a while Kobra finally corners him and is like tell me what is going on. I know you’re not okay. And poison breaks down and says his systems are failing again and Kobra with like a haunted expression is like I know it’s happening to me too. But his state isn’t nearly as bad as poison is yet. And like poisons protective of Kobra because he’s their younger brother but Kobra’s even more protective of poison because he already had to watch them nearly die the first time around when their battery was dying and an androids battery dying is akin to a human starving to death but being physically unable to eat or take in any nutrients whatsoever. So he almost lost poison once and he’s not about to do it again, he’s super fucking protective of them and he’s like we need to tell the others and poisons like but I’m scared how do we even fix this,

we’re androids we’re not meant to last for more than a few years and Kobra’s like I don’t know I really don’t trust me I’m scared too but we need to tell them because they’ll figure it out soon anyway and they deserve to know either way and you’re already getting pretty bad and sooner or later so will I. So they sit down their respective partner and tell them and theirs a lot of tears and they all search for tech or upgrades and solutions but can’t find anything good enough and all of a sudden poisons getting real bad real quick, glitching all the time and battery running out faster, and they’re basically about to die again and Kobra feels kind of like he’s failed them and the four of them realize the only way they’re going to save poison and Kobra is if they go to the city. So they do. They sneak in, find the labs, the plan is to steal the tech they need, new parts, new battery’s, whatever they can carry. But a lot of the new stuff isn’t compatible with the older models, not without precious time being lost with the personalizations that would need to be done to the tech to make it compatible, time they don’t have with poisons condition worsening by the day and Kobra also slowing down considerably.

And then an alarm goes off and Jet and ghoul fight off the oncoming dracs while Kobra’s helping poison and he sees all the new models laid out and empty, not programmed quite yet. And he has an idea. Jet and ghoul fight off the first wave of dracs and come back in like we need to get out of here but Kobra explains his idea and they’re like fuck wrought because they can’t leave to make it work. So they all barricade themselves in the lab while Kobra hooks poison into the like machines there to essentially transplant their programming and consciousness into the shell of the brand new android models laying around, because that’s something possible and easier than retrofitting a ton of tech. More dangerous since they have to be in the heart of bat city to do it, but worth it. And while poison in those new body is charging and rebooting Kobra’s up next because he walked Jet and ghoul though the process and now he’s getting his consciousness transferred to a new body too(they make sure it’s a male model this time around :3) and it takes like and hour for them each to reboot with like all systems ready so Jet and ghoul are on their own, doors barricaded, waiting for their best friends to wake up.

But they do, and they fight their way out. They all earn a few injuries but they survive, barely escaping and getting out of the city. But they do, they escape, they get home, and Kobra and Poison are in brand new vessels, they look different but not that much, androids are all pretty similar looking, and you can alter your own appearance somewhat. Kobra’s finally in the body he always wanted so he’s great, and both models are brand new and super advanced so they’re still not really superhuman, but these bodies will definitely hold up a lot longer to the elements, and they don’t have to run off plus, Their batteries last longer and there’s different ways of getting energy, like from eating, where food they ingest is converted into biofuel and they can run off it. Physically they’re more inhuman but simultaneously also more human than ever before. And that’s the definitive happy ending.

[deactivated-deadpool-anon]

Tw: heavy vent, topic of suicide, and self harm

I’ve had this in drafts for a few weeks just added on as I felt sad so if it seems jumbled that’s why

Idk how to add the little page break thing on tumblr mobile so if you’re sitting here scrolling for a minute I’m genuinely so sorry

So every winter my depression gets extremely bad as it does with most people so it’s no shocker that I’ve been in a slump for the past month but it’s bad this time the last time I could remember it being this bad was when I went through with my first attempt in 7th grade and I’m ngl I’ve heavily been thinking about trying to make another attempt on my life I don’t only for my younger siblings I can’t handle the thought of them walking in on my dead body which they inevitably would (my brother wakes me up every morning) and everytime I think about this scenario I start spiraling it’s hell but yeah not gonna kill my self ig. I’ve been using quite literally all my strength not to relapse and start self harming again I’ve been clean since November and I’m really trying to break the addiction but it’s so hard and I don’t really have any other coping mechanisms. In all honesty tho the real reason I don’t go back to cutting is bc I threw away what I was using to do it and I have like actual knives but I’m scared of going to deep (kinda ironic ig). So I’ve had a group of friends since last February (feb 2022) there’s been 3 main people with others along as well I don’t feel like going into our whole history but a cliff note version of it is we started hanging out in feb in may I started dating person B in July I broke it off with B and ever since it’s basically been me vs B (the others occasionally joining me) well I started talking to B in November after not talking to him for 2 months and shit was great it was basically how it was back before we got together he even got me a shiny Pokémon for my birthday (which means a lot to me) but practically since it’s been new year’s he went back to how he was in September (when we first stopped talking) just an asshole we obviously were annoyed by each other then we got in a “fight” so we stopped talking again anyways so that was Sunday I didn’t have school Monday but Tuesday and Wednesday he’s still been hanging around my group which is fine they’re his friends to but like I hate it bc they’re not talking to me pretty much at all throughout the day bc the only time I see person A and C person B is also there… it feels like he’s stealing my friends from me even my moirail (person A) is hanging out with him more and they don’t even like him so I feel left out completely I feel invisible and alone but not alone bc when I was alone it didn’t even feel this painful I just sit there in silence tears in my eyes but not letting them fall I stare off into space with one AirPod in trying to now ignore the outside world making little stories in my head with my f/os but in reality I just want my moirail to hug me and let me know everything’s alright and that I’m not losing anyone and that if I were to kill myself they would care they would be upset by it stuff like that but no nothing. I haven’t been able to do any school work bc of my mental state even if I take my meds (adhd meds I should probably clarify) which is weird bc my meds always keep me on track but not now ig fuck for example I have like 6 algebra assignments that become 0s tomorrow and I frankly just don’t care. When people I know tell me they don’t have tiktok i always laugh at them like c’mon it’s not that bad but it is it is that bad for example I posted a few videos of my face today and I got tons of comments fat shamming(which really helps my eating disorder but whatever),being called poor, and genuine trans + homophobia I have some pretty tough skin when it comes to these comments usually but if you haven’t noticed I’m a single problem away from violently killing myself so these comments got so bad that I had to private my account which in my 8-9 years on the internet i have never had to do. I think that’s it idk.

Oh there is actually one more thing I want to mention this happened months ago but has been pissing me off since so to put this lightly I had a dream where Murdoc from Gorillaz sexually assaulted me (yes Ik he would never do this but I can’t control my dreams) I have trauma when it comes to stuff like this bc I was sa’d as a child and I’m on the asexual spectrum so I don’t like to think of my f/os in a sexual light anyways I go to vent in my discord server that has all my friends in it looking for support (even though they were all asleep venting then makes me feel better) so I feel really dirty and sad bc again this was a sa related dream I post a kinda detailed version of the dream in #venting channel then Person B starts typing and replies with “nice fanfic” and I wish I fucking screenshoted that bc wtf dude it’s bc he’s never had/really heard about a sa situation i understand that but still why?

Vent Over

if you read this thanks ig it’s just nice to know an another living body knows my problems so I’m not necessarily suffering alone <3

TL;DR I really need a hug ffs

[elevatorelevenhatesyou]

Destiny 2′s Gambit Mode Exists To Bully Destiny 2 Players

I want to play Darktide, but it's not out yet. Instead I play Destiny 2, which is really quite sad. Been writing a post analyzing and complaining about a bunch of shit in Destiny 2, the thesis of which is that it has no idea what it's doing and hates its players with a passion, but this little side segment about how much I hate Gambit kinda ballooned into a long enough post of its own.

So, I fuckin hate Gambit mode. I hate PvP in all its forms of course. Crucible is bad with its usual brand garbage for PvP Assholes, but Gambit,

Man, Gambit is something else.

Gambit is the most hateful game mode I've ever seen. As if it weren't bad enough that playing it necessitates interacting with the most annoying cunt in the game.

(howling dickhole noises)

It's like they got some evil scientists together to craft an experience that would generate the most rage out of people who don't like PvP. It's advertised as "Competitive PvE" but this is a blatant lie; Gambit isn’t that at all. 

Gambit is a Fun Ruining Simulator.

I'm just gonna steal screenshots from the internet, because, I really don't want to go play this garbage again.

Here's the basic run down of how Gambit works for the uninitiated: There are two teams, each with four players, in two identical arenas. Regular enemies spawn in, and players kill them. These enemies drop little glowy tokens called Motes, which players must collect and deposit in a big glowy machine thingy called the Bank. 

Depositing enough motes at one time sends a big tough enemy called a Blocker to the opposing team, and they can't deposit motes until the Blocker is killed.

At certain intervals, a portal opens up and one person can Invade the opposing team's area, and if you kill a player they drop all their motes. Invading is something of a trade off: if you invade, you can sabotage the enemy, but you stop banking tokens yourself, and if you just get killed right away you don't hinder the enemy but you still miss out on the tokens you could have been getting.

So far, okay.

Once enough tokens are banked, mote dropping enemies stop spawning, and instead a giant monster shows up, called the Primeval. Killing your team's Primeval wins the game. Invading is still part of this phase; but now if you kill someone while invading, the enemy team's Primeval gets some of its health back.

So on paper this all sounds basically fine. Competitive PvE, right? It's the number balance that turns it all into shit.

Everything is ABSURDLY stacked in the invader's favor. The amount the Primeval gets healed by when an invader scores a kill is like a quarter of its entire health bar. Yeah. Getting two or three kills during an invasion will pump that sucker back to full health. Strategy guides aren't shy about telling you that Invading is the most important part of the whole game mode by far. One good invasion can turn an entire game around.

Compound this with power weapons like rocket launchers and heavy machine guns, and super abilities, and the fact that, for some fucking reason, the Invader can SEE WHERE ALL THE OPPOSING TEAM'S PLAYERS ARE, AT ALL TIMES, getting multiple kills as the invader is VERY easy.

The damage you deal to the Primeval is TINY. It increases over time when you kill these other guys who periodically show up to shield the Primeval, and it goes up by A LOT. Once you've killed like six of them the Primeval goes down like a bitch. In other words, fighting the boss doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter how well you can take the monster down, because after a little while it becomes incredibly easy. The only thing that matters is invading so you can kill the enemies and undo all their progress. No role matters compared to The Invader. Invading is everything. Everything else exists only for there to be something to Invade. There's no thought to it, no point to it, it's not fun or interesting or unique in any way except that some fucking cocksucker might barge in and ruin everything, and there's basically nothing you can do about it, because they see you and you don't see them, and it only takes a few shots from a machine gun or a rocket or a grenade launcher or a super to kill you. Often, only one shot.

It's not Competitive PvE, because the PvE doesn't matter. It's just more PvP, because the PvP is the only part that matters. It just has to lie so it can entice PvE players into trying it. The entire game mode exists to create a little playground for PvE players to play in so that a PvP Asshole can have fun stomping on all their sand castles. 

Mreh mreh but what about blockers? What ABOUT blockers!? These little piss weak NOTHINGs? These things I casually run over on my way to turn in my tokens? They are barely a speed bump, who cares.

Mreh mreh if you hate invaders beating you why don't you get good at invading? Because I don't fucking WANT to be the invader! I WANT to fight monsters! I WANT to do PvE stuff because I don't get any fun out of PvP! That's why Gambit sucks so much; it seems to have been designed literally to piss off people like me, and reward people I hate! Mreh mreh if you hate gambit so much then just don't play it OH IF ONLY A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT DIDN'T FUCKING REQUIRE ME TO.

I don’t even want your shitty revolver anymore. This is the part that would have segued back into the main point that Destiny fucking hates you. We'll get to that in the other post.

[theredwritingwitch]

Fleetwood Day

Pairing: Dieter Bravo x fem!reader

Summary: The day starts with Dieter in his normal asshole mood, and then it starts again, and again, and again, and...

Word Count: 11K

Warnings: drugs, cursing, alcohol, stealing, fingering, creampie, vaginal sex, oral sex (female receiving)

Ratings: E

Author’s Note: Based off the movie Groundhog Day...also I’m tired and going on a trip tomorrow so sorry for spelling or grammar mistakes.

June 25

“If you wake up and don’t want to smile,” Dieter moans out with his head muffled into a pillow. The sun blazes through the open curtains as the alarm clock rings out. “If it takes just a little while,” the sluggish actor raises his hand and reaches his arm out, flopping it lazily through the air, missing the alarm as Fleetwood Mac continued to blare, “Open your eyes and look at the day, You'll see things in a different way.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Dieter swore as he turns over and finally smacks the alarm off. He makes grabby hands around the side table as he finally grabs hold of his sunglasses and places them on his still closed eyes. Dieter lifts his head slightly as a text buzzes in through his phone, blaring the words “YOUR LATE.” Slowly he rises and squints, even with his sunglasses on, out through the window. He was late. Dieter doesn’t realize how much time had passed as he’s lounged in his hotel bed. Everything is too white, too clean, too bright in this hotel room. From the walls, the sheets, to the furniture; it was all that uniform look that never makes him comfortable. The trash, the loose clothes, bottles and stashes of wine and drugs though; that all makes him more comfortable. But today is a work day, he can't stay in bed. He scratches his beard and gives a quick glance at himself in the mirror. Shorts, a worn-out button up, crocs, and bed head. It’ll do. 

He arrives on set for a photoshoot and interview for his latest movie 4 hours late. He doesn't bother explaining why he’s late, that he’s sorry, or that he’s thankful for everyone’s patience. Nope, Dieter stays grumpily silent, ready to go through the motions that he’s done so many other times; hair, makeup, pose for photographer, talk to interviewer, return to hotel room, drugs, sleep. No one really seems surprised by his tardiness, his disheveled looks, or his smoky smell. Dieter isn’t surprised everyone knows his reputation a little too well. They don’t even bother making conversation. But that’s no surprise since Dieter is shit at small talk, even to people he sees on a daily basis. He doesn't even seem to comprehend that you, his personal assistant, is also in the room. No hello, no hi, no nod, no questions or statements, no acknowledgment. But you’re used to that, that’s Dieter’s way of fumbling through life. You watch him doze off and slouch in the makeup chair, not bothering looking a bit professional. The photographer is particularly over this whole session, barely giving Dieter any instructions or advice. The interviewer tries her best not to look pissed; she tries a quick ‘this or that’ game that the internet will surely love. All in all the interview is…fine…it’s over at least, you wonder what work management will have to do to help this image look better. Dieter himself is lackluster, all this for a film he hardly likes, just to grab one more paycheck at the end of the day.

Not bothering to hide his yawn as he exits the photoshoot, clearly unconcerned by your shouting, Dieter instead looks forward to grabbing a bite to eat. He doesn’t bother waiting for the hostess to seat him and orders food that isn’t actually on the menu. Dieter adjusts his sunglasses as he waves off the annoyed waiter and looks out to the scenic sea before him. The PR team wanted the photoshoot over the cliffside village in Italy. It was picturesque. Quante with colorful houses, staircases that lead into the sea, narrow pathways flowing through the village; all real nice postcard shit. He has no idea what it all had to do with his latest movie, one where he plays some wandering stranger in the apocalypse. 

Just as he considers taking a picture of the view to send to his mother, two figures sit in the seats across from him. His agent, Ben, doesn't ask permission to sit down and Dieter doesn’t care. He’s been with Ben for years, the man is completely used to Dieter’s ways and eccentricities. He’s all business; a big Hollywood man who knows how to talk the talk and walk the walk. Without Dieter, Ben would do just fine. Honestly Dieter guesses Ben only stays with him out of loyalty. On the other hand, Dieter stays with Ben because no one else will take him. He may be all about business but he’s a decent guy that knows how to handle Dieter well enough. Everyone likes Ben, especially when he has those simple social graces down. As Ben slides into his seat, he pulls out the chair next to him, letting the latest member of the team have the other empty chair.

You’re not exactly new new as Dieter had guessed when he first met you. But you are his newest PA, he had thought he could run you right over and get his way on most things. He does from time to time, especially lately. At the start, you had hounded him to get his shit together, be on time, look professional, and greet people. He complies every once in a while, but he likes to poke at you and lately you have been cracking. Dieter was really getting through life by the bare minimum. He has to give you credit though, not that he would ever say it out loud, you do your job well; you know how this business works and how a screw up like Dieter works. The last six months lacked any media disaster moments thanks to your quick thinking and planning. But you are definitely tired of him, he could see it in the way your face fell when you thought he wasn’t looking. He saw it at the photoshoot today. He’d seen that face on many others before and he stopped feeling sorry for it long ago.

“So, late again,” Ben sighs out, “Good thing you freshen up well I guess.” He reaches into his pocket and brings out his cell phone, not even bothering to look up at Dieter. “Or maybe my compliments should all go to the makeup artist and photographer.”

“Probably wouldn’t hurt,” Dieter mumbles as he stowes away his phone, forgetting all about the picture.

“No it wouldn’t hurt to tell someone they do good work. Maybe you should try to do that someday? You know, so I don’t have to come in after you and sweep up your mess every time.”

 Dieter doesn’t even make eye contact with Ben as he swirls his glass of wine around and drinks it up.

“Well anyways, I read through the interviewer’s notes and everything looks fine. No worries there. The movie even currently has a 98% on RottenTomatoes,” Ben looks up at Dieter expectantly.

“Yea,” Dieter deadpans with a swirl of his fingers.

Ben scuffs and rolls his eyes to give you a familiar look. You and Ben have had a great many talks about Dieter Bravo. The two of you had several discussions about different tactics to deal with Dieter and even more discussions about leaving Bravo to someone else’s handling. You've been in the business long enough to have connections for better job prospects. You really have no love for Dieter, he wasn’t abusive or cruel, just plainly a lazy asshole. Leaving him would be easy. Ben, on the other hand, had been with him for years and was looking into other opportunities. That was a harder process for him, solely for the friendship he once held with Dieter, not that the friendship was broken but it wasn’t what it once was.

“So let’s talk about what to expect for the rest of the day,” you speak dryly to Dieter as he went on to eat his late lunch. “There’s a party going on in a local restaurant, a semi-formal event. We have a makeup artist on standby in your room. It’s a standard meet and greet. Nothing too special, just chat with some lucky attendees. That’s from 2-5. After that, you have the night to yourself. Do as you please as long as you're not getting into too much trouble, Dieter…Dieter?” 

The Oscar winning star had stopped listening to you as soon as you mentioned the mandatory party. He’s really tired of parties, maybe that was out of character for his reputation, but he’s done with the loud music and bright lights. The people are even louder than the music and less interesting than the napkin currently on his lap, smudged with grease from his food. Dieter Bravo was wanted by every party but unwanted by everyone at the party. The man hates going out honestly, he may have become a couch potato with age. He longs for an afternoon in his robe, a long night with paint caked on his fingers, early morning beginning with a kit-kat, and a joint waiting for him at all times. 

“DIETER.”

Dieter jolts to your loud hiss. He throws his hands up in defense. 

“No snoozing till done schmoozing, no pot nor pill till I’m out of the mill…” Dieter pauses as his mouth hangs open in thought. You tap your finger as Ben shakes his head at his phone. “No nudity till after duty,” Dieter giggles at the last rule you had imposed on him. 

Both you and Ben nod and sigh. It was always one step at a time with Bravo.

“Well now that’s been all sorted out, I’ve got a flight to catch. My wife is already disappointed that I’ll be late for our anniversary trip.” Ben stands from the table and roughs up Dieter’s hair as the actor brushes him off. You stand as well and walk Ben out of the restaurant, leaving Dieter to pick apart his food. 

“Sure you want to leave already? We’re about to have so much fun,” the sarcasm was a normal attitude you and Dan shared often.

“Oh I’m sure, good luck with that,” Dan glances back at your charge. He grimaces and looks back at you, “Listen after the party, find some time for yourself. The village is beautiful and once Dieter is locked away in his room, you’ll be all clear to find your own get-away.” 

“If he listens to me at all,” you roll your eyes as you remember how he acted earlier.

“Just try to get through the day, it’s only a couple more hours and then you're off the clock. You know once he’s back in his room, he won’t bother coming back out. He’s such a recluse these days.”

You nod and give him a quick hug before he leaves you to your charge.

You turn towards Dieter watching him tap at his wine glass to a waiter. The clock in your phone tells you it’s past noon already. Time to get this man-baby moving.

The world renowned actor Dieter Bravo does not ever move fast. He’s sluggish and mopey. You would consider his messy hair and pouty lips cute if he wasn’t ruining the day for everyone. Makeup and hair take too long that he becomes antsy. His pants itch, the shirt is a little too snug. The sunglasses don’t go with the outfit but he insists they stay. At the party he stays at the appetizer tables the whole time till you shew him away. He mumbles out half ass answers to everyone, only when he doesn’t shoo them away with his disinterests. The afternoon drags on, but at least he isn’t jumping into the sea in nothing but his birthday suite or snorting salt from a waiter’s serving tray. He got the salt confused with something else once… You’re always thankful for the small wins.

“No offense but I’m having trouble caring about your…well just you in general.”

Another guest walks away annoyed from Dieter as he lounges against the balcony railing. Dieter looks out to the sea, bored out of his mind. No one bothers him for the rest of his time at the party, all scared away by a moody actor. He blows out a puff of smoke from his blunt, contemplating if he’ll watch an old classic movie tonight or porn. You walk up to him, waving the smoke away.

“Dieter, could you please hold off on smoking till you're done with the party? No one wants to talk to a cloud of smoke.”

He doesn't even glance at you, just stuffs the blunt in his pocket, “How much longer?”

“Just a half an hour left. Then you’re free.”

“30 minutes,” Dieter pauses to bite his lip. “Yeah I’m gonna just leave now.” 

“No Dieter wait!” You grab hold of Dieter's sleeve as he starts his way to the nearest exit, “30 minutes isn’t long, you can spend it at the appetizer table if you have to!”

This gives him pause, “That would work except I ate the majority of those apps. I was bored.” He pushes you off of him as he takes the stairs from the restaurant.

“Fine, how about 20 minutes. Then you can be off.”

“10 minutes,” he huffs out.

“15 and you take a picture with the owner,” you point at Dieter.

“10 and I take a picture with the owner,” he counter points at you.

“Deal,” you know that you won’t get a better deal.

Quickly the pictures are taken, the staff and crew are excited but Dieter cheaks out as soon as the camera is lowered. You watch him go quiet to his own adventure or hibernation. The ping of your phone gets your attention as you receive a text from another actor’s PA about a local’s cookout going on at the beach. Earlier in your time with Dieter, you had invited him to these small get-togethers, thinking he may enjoy the local atmosphere away from paparazzi. But he had always scuffed at the idea. Now you don’t bother, don’t even consider him in on the party. You roll your eyes, he can fend for himself for the rest of the night, you’ll have your fun.

Dieter strays here and there. He watches people enjoy their night. They laugh and sing, walking up and down the seaside village as they take in the lively night air. When he was younger he used to go out dancing late at night. He can hear the music playing at one of the open air restaurants, people swinging in and out of each others arms. Warm arms holding and caressing each other. They share drinks and tell stories all through the night. For a moment, Dieter considers spending his night in the corner of the bar, eavesdropping on everything he’s missing. But he doesn’t need to be seen as a creeper. He walks back to the hotel instead. Alone except for the cloud of smoke that engulfs him as soon as he enters his room. He sheds his clothes for his green puffy robe. He shares pills and other drugs with himself as he throws on some marine time documentary. The soothing voice of the narrator fills the room as Dieter lounges in his bed again. He doesn’t bother setting the alarm, you’ll come to wake him up. 

June 25

“If you wake up and don’t want to smile,” Dieter moans out with his head muffled into a pillow. The sun is blazing through the open window as the alarm clock rings out. “If it takes just a little while,” the lethargic actor flops his outstretched arm through the air, nearing the alarm as Fleetwood Mac continues to blare out, “Open your eyes and look at the day, You'll see things in a different way.”

“Oh fuck off,” Dieter curses as he turns over and finally smacks the alarm off. He pushes several items out of the way on the side table as he finally grabs hold of his sunglasses and places them onto his blurry eyes. Dieter lifts his head slightly as a text buzzes in through his phone, blaring with the words “YOUR LATE.” Confused as to what he’s late for now, he scrolls through his calendar, looking over the schedule you had created for him. The same interview he did yesterday was showing up today. Same team. Same time. Same place. As well as the same party in the afternoon. Except his calendar says that yesterday is today. Today is June 25, but yesterday was June 25?

Dieter rubs his eyes and then glances about the room. His robe is in the same place as before, his clothes the same button down as what he remembered, even the drugs that he did last night were still on the side table. Dieter stands from bed and spins around the room taking every detail in, seeing that the mess he made from the night before is nowhere to be seen. It’s as if he never came back to his room last night and crashed.

Confused, Dieter shakes his head and grabs his phone and quickly walks his way through the hotel. He gets to the photoshoot where everyone is off doing their task and job. He sees the stylist prepping her station, the photographer switching lenses, the interviewer writing notes, and you type away at your phone. He nods a hello at you when you look up and slides into his chair for hair and makeup. The photoshoot and interview go as normal, or rather as they did the day before. Dieter even goes to the hotel’s restaurant and has the same decision with you and Ben.

Even the party this evening goes the same. Same music, same people, same food. He decides the day has been weird long enough and starts to leave when he feels you grab ahold of his arm.

“Just a half an hour left. Then you’re free.”

“30 minutes.” Dieter pauses as he realizes that’s what he said yesterday. “Yeah I’m definitely leaving now.” 

“No Dieter wait!” You tug on Dieter’s sleeve “30 minutes isn’t long, you can spend it at the appetizer table if you have to!”

Of course you say that Dieter thinks, “I already ate the majority of those apps. I’ve got too much shit going on in my mind right now.” He looks toward the exit, fully knowing what you're about to say next.

“Fine, how about 20 minutes. Then you can be off.”

“10 minutes,” he says emotionlessly.

“15 and you take a picture with the owner,” you point at Dieter.

“10 and I take a picture with the owner,” he knows he’s won.

“Deal,” you smile and tug him forward.

Quickly the pictures are taken and the 10 minutes go by. He thinks about what he’ll do for the rest of the night as you interrupt his thoughts.

“Alright, you're free to go,” you smile effortlessly at him.

“Cool,” He pauses before he sets off to leave. You ‘ve always been a straight shooter with him, maybe you know something. “I’ve got a weird question for you, have you ever gone through a day that you swear you’ve already done?”

You hum and think for a moment, “Like when you’ve driven the same road again and again and you get to the point you don’t really think about what to do so much as your body just goes through the actions?”

Dieter smiles and nods, “Yes like that except it's not just the one particular time, it’s the whole day!”

“Oh kind of like déjà vu?”

“Yeah I guess so. It feels like I’ve been through this whole day twice now.”

“It probably means you need more sleep, that you’ve been doing gigs like this too much,” you laugh and shake your head at him.

He smiles back and scratches at his beard, “You're probably right, just weird déjà vu shit.”

“Rest Bravo, get some rest. Think you can take it easy tonight?” you ask him as your phone buzzes with a text.

“Yeah I can do that,” he mumbles as he slowly walks down the stairs and out the restaurant to his hotel, leaving you behind to type away at your phone.

Dieter doesn’t bother with the stray walk he took before, or what he thought he took the night before. Skipping the open air restaurants and dancing couples, he wonders what the hell he took last night that gave him some major déjà vu. He reminds himself that he needs to stay hydrated more often, that has to be it.

June 25

“If you wake up and don’t want to smile,” Dieter moans out with his head muffled into a pillow. The sun blazes through the open curtains as the alarm clock rings out. “If it takes just a little while,” the startled actor bolts his hand out of bed, barely hitting the alarm as Fleetwood Mac continues to blare, “Open your eyes and look at the day, You'll see things in a different way.”

“Fuck off,” Dieter curses as he turns over and finally grabs ahold of the alarm. It reads the same time as the past two days. There’s no way that's right though. That’s all just some déjà vu shit. He didn’t take anything last night, just hydrated like a good boy then fell asleep to some porn. He stares at the clock dumbfounded when a text to his phone buzzes, startling him. He peers slowly over to the phone, eyeing it as he reads the words “YOUR LATE.”  He was late. Third day in a row late. Dieter doesn’t bother looking around the hotel room as he grabs his crocs and quickly shuffles out. The schedule still says that he has a photoshoot and interview, nothing is different. He curses himself and trips on his own feet as he enters the lobby. 

He stops to ask a hotel employee what the date is. June 25. He dumbly nods his head, not daring to say it out loud but clearly thinking that yesterday was June 25. Dieter gives a nervous glance to the front desk and continues to the photoshoot and interview. 

“What the fuck is going on…” the actor whispers to himself.

Upon arrival he finds the same people as before. All just going about their jobs, same old same old. Dieter sits in the chair for makeup as the artist gets to work, he’s wide eyed and tapping his fingers uncontrollably against the chair’s arms. It’s finally when he gets into his wardrobe that his scattered brain finally gets an idea. Dieter calls out to you.

You had watched him walk into the photoshoot late, he was obviously high on something. The way he looked bewildered at everything, the way he looked suspicious at everyone. He was twitchy and agitated. So it was to no surprise that he called out to you.

“What are you on?”

Your question sent Dieter into a tizzy fit.

“What am I on? I mean I took a bunch of different things last night,” Dieter trails off as he thinks over his days. “Or maybe it was the night before last night because last night, or tonight, I drank a bunch of water. But then today and yesterday all those drugs and the water I drank seemed to reappear this morning, which normally would be great but this whole day is… weird.” Dieter speaks fast as you stare him down.

“It sounds like a friend of yours just refilled your supply Dieter.”

He straightens out in his chair and lurches forward to you, “No you don’t get it. It’s not that the drugs are back but the music is the same, the people are all the same, and everything that happened yesterday and the day before yesterday is happening again.” He glances about the room as he leans into you.

“Ok let me ask again, what did you take last night?” 

“It’s not last night, it’s tonight! Don’t you get it!” Dieter now hisses at you in a low voice. “Today happened yesterday as yesterday happened yesterday’s yesterday so today is yesterday’s yesterday.” He spreads his hands out before you as if he has given you all the information in the world.

“Ok…ok…” you study his face, contemplating what to do next. You had dealt with drunk or high Dieter on many different occasions but he was never this confused. Certainly he could be paranoid about things, but never to the point where he was really out of it. Normally he would grumble about upsetting the cells in his head but would get his work done once you butted him in the butt enough times. This was different, and very confusing. You decide to try a new tactic, “How about this, what are you taking tonight?”

“Not the same shit that I took earlier,” Dieter mumbles as he gets out of wardrobe and poses for the photographer. 

He gets through the motions of the photoshoot quickly, knowing what he did last couple of times and even gets through the interview quickly. He answers each of the questions well enough although he now has a questionable paranoid look on his face. He looks extremely untrustworthy towards the interviewer, sending questions right back at her, really putting her off her game. As soon as he’s done, he changes clothes, talking high speed about bugs and implants that are fucking with his head.  He moves fast to the door but pauses just before leaving, and just before you're about to yell at him to wait up, which surprises you entirely.

“Let's eat at a nearby restaurant.”

“Not the hotel’s restaurant?” you inquire as you walk with him.

“No, don’t trust it,” he mutters to you. 

He tugs at your sleeve to keep track of you as the two of you speed walk across the street. You look Dieter up and down; this feels so incredibly strange for him. Sure, Dieter has gone on rants before about radiation from cellphones and technology messing up his brain, but he was never this paranoid.

“You should text Ben we‘re across the street, he’ll be looking for us,” Dieter commands.

“Ok?” juggling your cellphone and texting Ben where to meet you and Dieter, you take a seat with the actor watching his fingers drum against the table. He doesn’t order any food nor a drink and even when Ben joins you two he refuses any appetizers. Ben looks concerned at you, Dieter never turns food down.

“I don’t think it was the food, but I can’t be too cautious here,” he states as he leans in to you and Ben.

“Careful with what?” Ben questions.

“With the takeover of my mind,” Dieter lifts his hands up to his head and frizzles his hair out. Ben looks towards you as you lift your shoulders in a shrug.

“He’s been weird all morning.”

Ben nods in understanding, he looks back to his friend, “Right, what are you on?”

“I’m not on anything! Everything from the past tonights is back this morning!”

“Past tonights?”

“Yesterday is today as yesterday’s yesterday is also today,” Dieter states to Ben in the most serious tone you’ve ever heard him use.

Ben draws a circle into his temple, a pattern you’ve seen him do many different times before, “You mean your days are repeating?”

“That sounds like—” you begin to speculate.

“It is not déjà vu,” Dieter interrupts you.

“Ok, ok, if you’re so sure.”

“Maybe you just need to rest, drink some water—”

“Tried it, didn’t work,” Dieter interrupts Ben. “Look, there's an infinite amount of possibilities where someone could have bugged me, slipped something in my drink, and abducted me.”

“What?” you and Ben say in unison.

“The stylist could have slipped something in my hair, maybe the photographer zapped me with an invisible ray from their camera,” Dieter throws air quotes around the word camera as he continues ranting. “The hotel might have put a bug in my food or some serum! Someone at the party this evening could have slipped a weird serum into the appetizers.”

“Dieter there is no way—”

“After the party, I walked around the village. Someone could have easily abducted me and shot me with some shit!”

“Why would anyone want to bug you or drug you Dieter?”

“I know shit Ben, I know lots of shit.” Dieter leans back in his chair confidently.

“Like what,” Ben counters, clearly irritated now.

Dieter doesn’t say anything at first, but just squints at Ben, “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Ben sighs and throws his arms into the air, “Listen I’m late for—”

“Your anniversary trip with your wife,” Dieter interjects with a smug smile. “You wanna know how I know that?”

“Because for the first time in a long time you actually care about someone else's life other than your own,” Ben answers. “I’m leaving, good luck with this crap.”

The smugness falls off Dieter’s face as Ben leaves the table and restaurant. He’s never talked to Dieter in that way before.

“Look I have no clue what’s going on with you, but I really think you should go see a doctor,” you place your hand on his arm and squeeze. Dieter’s eyes fall from where Ben was standing to you in what you would almost call a broken lost puppy look. You actually find yourself feeling bad for your stubborn actor. “Listen, I’ll cancel your appearance at the party as long as you go get checked out. How does that sound?”

Dieter’s lip quivers and he settles his hand on yours, he doesn’t squeeze but his large, warm hand holds yours. It’s been a long time since he’s held another person’s hand. He’s missed the feel of this sincere touch.

“Can you do that, Dieter? For me?” you question him with a small smile. 

He makes eye contact with you and nods, “Yeah, I can do that.” He finds a local doctor to talk to, describing in the best and simplest way possible what his past days have been like. The doctor listens well enough, but doesn’t have much input to give Dieter, other than rest and relaxation. Dieter doesn’t think this is a bad idea. When he gets back to his room, he books a vacation in the Bahamas. He’ll sleep in the Caribbean, lounge while getting some messages, maybe even have a sunny detox. Dieter doesn’t get to sleep for a while though, he’s jittery and nervous. He walks in circles, even cleaning his room of trash, and squeezing his arm where your hand had touched him. Eventually exhaustion takes him, and sleep comes.

June 25

“If you wake up and don’t want to smile,” Dieter’s eyes bug out as he listens to the radio. “If it takes just a little while,” the rigid actor raises up as the alarm blares Fleetwood Mac, “Open your eyes and look at the day, You'll see things in a different way.” He scans the room realizing that everything he cleaned is now trashed again. “Don't stop thinking about tomorrow,”

Dieter bites down at his pillow as he watches his phone. “Don't stop, it'll soon be here,” Buzzing alive, a text comes in. “It'll be better than before,” Dieter leans over to look at what the text says, fully knowing what the message will read. “Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone” He reads the words “YOUR LATE.” 

Dieter spends his whole day at the bar talking to his new friend, the bartender.

June 25

The now melancholy actor spends his day high off his ass in his hotel room. He orders room service and doesn’t bother to answer his cell or the door when you and Ben try to get to him. He watches porn, reruns of black and white shows, and a nature documentary. Of course he indulges in all the drugs he has. They won’t go to waste. He even paints a little. He can’t remember the last time he painted.

June 25

Dieter starts his painting again, his hotel room has a large wall that is perfect for a mural. He orders and over eats food from the hotel’s restaurant, the bar down the street, the restaurant around the corner, and any restaurant or bar that looks remotely interesting. He’s never seen so much food in his life. The mural doesn’t look half bad either.

June 25

His arts skills are definitely coming back, with each day he practices more. He eats more, drinks more, and smokes more. 

June 25

After painting another mural, he ventures out of the hotel. He explores the village for the first time. He avoids you and Ben but does find a pretty woman that wants to dance with him. He’s unsure at first. But some drinks are in his system and he swings around the bar widely with a pretty lady in his arms. He dazzles her with stories of Hollywood, and asks if she wants to see his mural. Soon he asks to paint her as she smokes his joint. The paint swirls around her naked body smoothly just as smooth as his cock slides in and out of her. He hasn’t been laid in forever, he indulges in this connection for the time being, even though he knows this woman isn’t truly interested in him for the real him. Also she won’t be here when he wakes in the morning.

June 25

He’s never robbed anything before, never stolen anything in his life. But boy was it a crazy rush when he took the entire cash register from the bar. He doesn’t need the money and he doesn’t know how to open the register to even get the money. But he feels crazy alive right now. He also understands how uncomfortable a jail cell really is now. At least he got his accordion lesson done earlier in the day.

June 25

An octopus actually touched Dieter’s arm! Honestly, scuba diving isn’t as hard as he thought it would be. Playing an accordion underwater is hard though.

June 25

He’s slept with a few different men and women in the last couple of weeks, but he wonders about you. He’s seen you on the beach, at a party a few nights in a row now. That one time he came up to you and flirted with you after he had ignored you the entire day, you had slapped him the second he uttered a word. He doesn’t blame you for that, but he likes to think his persuasive skills have gotten better, although you know him in a much more personal way than anyone else. He’s watched you drink, eat, laugh, and dance on the sandy beach. The stars glittered above you as you were completely carefree. No responsibility, not babysitting the asshole Dieter Bravo. He wonders if this is what you’re like most of the time, so free and lovely. He’s never seen you dance before, never seen you throw your head back and laugh. But now he has, a couple of different times since he’s been stuck in this loop. He pauses and watches every time he finds you down at the beach.

Dieter wants to join in and encircle you into his arms, swing you around as the musicians play on and on. He wants to make you laugh till your sides hurt. He wants you to place your hand on him again and squeeze. He knows he has no right, he knows so much about you now that he’s watched you for days. It isn’t right to just try to have you out of the blue. How well do you know him, he wonders. You know his habits but you’ve never talked about art or experiences. You haven’t really even talked about movies or desires. He’s got so many questions for you now, but you hate him.

June 25

Dieter returned to the scheduled interview, photoshoot, and party. You watched the man enter the room and announce to everyone that he was sorry for arriving late and was very appreciative to everyone for their patience. You thought that maybe the man was high, on some uppers perhaps. But he jumped into the makeup chair, giving the stylist instructions on what he thought was a good look for a Mediterranean look. You watched as he made easy small talk and pointed out different clothes he would like to wear for the photoshoot. Soon the man caught your eye in the mirror and motioned you over with a smile.

Of course you come, you’re curious for what had put him in a good mood. As soon as you shuffle over to him, he clasps your hand in his own hands.

“Can you do me a favor?” His dimples are on full display as a small smile turns to you.

“Well of course,” you stutter out confused then quickly backtrack, “I mean it is my job as your assistant isn’t it?”

“It is and you’ve always done such a great job at it. I want you to call Ben and tell him to get on his plane, his wife must be pissed that he’s late for their anniversary trip.”

“Oh yeah sure I’ll let him know.”

“And order some flowers and chocolates wherever they’re staying, please.” 

“I’ll get right on that.”

You walk away from Dieter as you text Ben and order him and his wife some gifts. He’s excited to leave early but also curious at Dieter’s new attitude, but not curious enough to stay and question it. You stand back and watch the man at work, his poses are on point today as he communicates well with the photographer. Even the interview goes great as he gives fun and interesting answers to the interviewer. It would be any normal day for anyone else but for Dieter Bravo this is something else. He’s lively and talkative. He even gives you a few smiles and a wink throughout the process as he catches you staring at him. 

His lively mood doesn’t falter. He buys you lunch and asks you question after question about you. What’s your family like? How was your childhood? What did you want to be growing up? He gets on the subject of school, where you ask him about acting. You are surprised to find that he went to school for art instead. You're even more surprised to find that he’s truly passionate about painting, offering to give you some lessons in the future. He snaps a quick picture of the two of you together with the sea in the background and sends it to his mom. Soon enough the clock ticks by and the two of you head to the party. Dieter swings back into superstar mode where he regales party guests with behind the scene stories. He makes everyone laugh and even takes a few different people dancing. Honestly, you begrudgingly say you're a little jealous that his attention is elsewhere. You admit that you found the talk the two of you shared this noon was really fun, but now as Dieter spirals his way through conversations, you see a glimmer of loneliness in the man. You can tell he’s drained from too much people time. 

In all the excitement, you catch Dieter’s eye several times. He was having a bit of fun here at the party but going over the same conversations again and again is getting to him. He finds himself constantly looking over towards you; he would rather get back to that conversation the two of you were having earlier. He looks at his clock and realizes there’s 30 minutes left of the party. Good enough. Dieter calls over the staff and owner of the restaurant for a picture and leaves the party for where you're standing. Two drinks in hand, you were always well prepared for him.

“Tired?” you ask as Dieter takes one of the drinks from your hands and gulps it down.

“You have no idea,” he sighs out as he leans on the balcony railing.

“Actually I probably do.”

Your charge stops for a moment and then drops his head, “Yeah you definitely do, sorry.”

You spit your drink up a little, that’s the first time you’ve heard Dieter Bravo say sorry.

“Say again?”

Dieter looks up at you and leans forward. His hair still has the elegant curls from the stylist this morning and his lonesome yet playful eyes lock on yours. His broad shoulders almost entices you to run your hands up them as he blocks out your view of the party. A hand engulfs your elbow and with a small circular motion of his thumbs, you find yourself almost leaning into him.

“Do you wanna leave early and go for a walk? Just the two of us. I know this small hole-in-the-wall bar on the other side of the village.” There’s almost a hopefulness to Dieter’s eyes as he holds you to him.

“I…well…actually,” you stumble out your words trying to figure out if Dieter just asked you out or if something else is going on. Before your mind makes a decision, your phone buzzes with a text from a friend about another party going on. Dieter glances at your phone and backs off of you, part of you misses his warmth but the other part has no clue what is going on. 

“Listen Dieter, I’ve got plans already and I need an early start tomorrow.”

Dieter nods his head as he looks down at his shoes, “It’s fine. Go be with friends, I’ll take a rain check.” 

You watch him walk away, feeling like you kicked a small puppy. Maybe you should invite him to the party, but he’s always declined the offer in the past. You're conflicted if you’ve just turned down Dieter Bravo after such a good day. He honestly was so different and refreshing today, you would have guessed it was someone else. You look back down at your text and then glance back to where Dieter had disappeared. Maybe a night grabbing a few drinks with friends would help clear your head, you’ll figure this out tomorrow.

Dieter ends his day in bed again. The mural on his wall is of you sitting on the beach with stars glittering above you. He’s seen it in real life so many times, it’s all too easy for him to paint. The kit-kats run out soon into his gloomy state of couch potato. Even the Italian greyhounds he stole from some old lady while on his walk back to the hotel aren’t cheering him up as they cuddle around him. 

June 25

From then on forward, Dieter goes to the interview, photoshoot, and party more often. He doesn’t go everyday though, he skips a few in favor of reintroducing himself to the locals. The actor goes around the village, memorizing everyone's names to memory. He asks questions of their wants and desires, their daily lives, their troubles and accomplishments. Dieter was a man that acted out stories but it wasn’t till these last couple days did he realize that everyone has a story to tell. It makes him wonder what your story is. He’s so desperate to find out. 

Finally a day comes where he’s able to convince you to take it easy, he already knows his schedule, he can take care of himself. You insist on following him, just in case, which does please him. He starts the day grabbing coffee for the whole team, gifting the stylist new brushes, helping clean the photographer’s lenses, and reassuring the interviewer she should argue for more pay. At the hotel’s restaurant, he jumps into the kitchen helping the chefs prepare for the lunch time rush. On the walk to the afternoon party, he offers to climb a ladder for an older man to hang a sign. Dieter even jumps in to help a young woman with a small fussy child carry her groceries. At the party Dieter gathers a large crowd of party goers, giving them all relationship advice. He unexpectedly stays longer at the party than necessary, helping the staff clean, and thankfully saves the life of a man choking on leftover food. He walks you to your party on the beach, which you have no clue how he knows it was going on. 

For a moment you contemplate asking him to join the party, but Dieter pushes you forward, stating he has a few friends to catch up with. You wave him off, almost sad to be turned down with your unannounced question. But you watch the once grumpy and lazy actor confidently stride off. He stops abruptly to catch a cat as she falls off a ledge above his head, sneezing as he settles her down to the ground and gives you one last wave for the night.

Unbeknownst to you, Dieter goes on with his night to give dance instructions at a small bar. He amazes the crowd and reignites the love life of a few couples. But Dieter has yet to reignite your love. He’s got time to figure you out though, plenty of time that he’s happy to spend with you.

June 25

You walk onto the set expecting people milling about their jobs, but as you open the doors to the room, you find it dead quiet and void of people. Except for one person. Dieter Bravo stands in the middle of the room with a large bouquet of your favorite flowers. He looks good in a light matching floral shirt and pants, his curls just gliding behind his ears, the exact way you’ve liked it the most.

“You’re late,” Dieter calls out to you with a large smile on his face.

“By 5 minutes. But you’re…” you shake your head in disbelief.

“Early. I know. Don’t expect it everyday though, this is hard work getting up on time.”

You giggle at his pouty lips, “So if we’re on time then where is everyone else?”

“Day off, or rather I told them to reschedule to a new location that would make sense for the movie they're interviewing me for. These are for you.” Dieter hands you the bouquet of colorful flowers. You smell the flowers without thinking and look up at him.

“What are you up to?”

“I want to treat you to a day off, and the only way you ever have a day off is if I take the day off.” Dieter doesn’t blink or look away from you as he states it so plainly, like he already knows the answer to the question before you think to ask. “I’ve got the whole day plan, and I know you love plans and schedules so,” he nods his head towards the doors, “let's get going.”

He doesn’t leave much room for argument as he leads you two away from the hotel, and you really don’t bother to put up much of an argument as you're so curious as to what Dieter is up to. As he tools your hand into the crock of his arm, he guides you through the Italian village streets. The two of you walk the narrow cobblestone passageway, past locals that call out to Dieter and thank him for various reasons.

You lean into Dieter after an old woman had kissed him on both cheeks, “What have you been up to Mr. Bravo?”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“We’ve gone past at least five different people who’ve thanked you for different things.”

“Ah well, I got some work done this morning before I met up with you.”

You poke his side, making him flinch in mock anguish, “Work?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dieter brushes you off as he opens the door for you to a dingy looking home. “Just go straight back, I’ll be right behind you.”

Pausing for a moment, you step forward and do as he instructed, and only shake just a little when you feel the warmth of his palm on the small of your back. Dieter points to a pair of open doors around the corner, continuing your descent. As you walk through the doors, you're greeted with a lovely view of the village and sea. A gasp escapes you as you walk to the balcony and take in the view. A minute goes by before a tap on your shoulder brings you back to Dieter waiting patiently behind you.

“I know you’ve been wanting to see a better view of the town, so I thought breakfast and a view would do,” he motions to a small table with a beautiful display of breakfast treats. Even though your stomach calls for food, it's the mural behind the food that gets your attention. On full display of the building's outer wall is a bright and vibrant mural of the village and sea under a blanket of stars. You trace your fingers on the waves as Dieter takes a pastry from the table.

“Do you like it?”

“It’s gorgeous. Whoever the painter is did an amazing job capturing the beauty of the village,” you continue tracing the mural as you feel Dieter step into your space.

“Thank you. Took a lot of practice but I think I nailed it.”

“You did this!”

“Yeah I like to think of it as a vision into the future,” he eyes the particular part of the mural, he continues to eat his pastry, where a silhouette of a woman stands on the beach.

“A vision? I didn’t know you were a soothsayer.”

“You’ll find out later, I promise.”

You look at him now with your mouth hanging open. Dieter chuckles and pops that last part of his pastry into your mouth, licking his own fingers as he stares back at you.

“Come on, we can’t let these pastries go to waste,” he says as he takes your hand and sets you down to the table. 

The rest of the day goes by in a similar manner, Dieter surprising you at every turn. He takes you to the beach and builds a giant sandcastle with you, amazing you with incredible hidden talent. Soon enough the two of you grab lunch with a local fisherman, who takes you out to sea where you both catch your own food. Dieter stands behind you guiding you on how to handle the fishing pole when the fish bites. Surprisingly, you don’t mind his arms wrapped around you. For the rest of the day, the two of you spend wandering the village, in and out of conversations with many random individuals who strike up a conversation with Dieter, only for him to give them apologies and return his attention to you.

He asks about your life, you ask about his. It doesn’t take long to get lost in conversation with Dieter, all too easy to get lost in the depths of his eyes and it feels like he’s gotten lost in your eyes as well. You don’t shy away from him when he pulls you under his arm for the walk. Maybe your mind is reeling with hundreds of questions about what is going on with Dieter Bravo but the day is too perfect to bother.

Soon enough dinner comes, and chef Dieter makes you a delicious sandwich. You laugh at him for making such a show out of his culinary skills, or lack of them, as he fumbles around the kitchen he’s rented out. You make a trade, you’ll teach him how to cook if he teaches you how to paint. He locks in the deal with a kiss to your hand.

Only a text on your phone startles you from your rose colored haze, a party on the beach. You look up at Dieter as he watches you with total adoration. He’s patient as you place your phone away and you smile at him.

“Do you wanna go to a party on the beach? Maybe just for a little while,” you slowly reach for his hand and interlock your fingers to his. The smile on his face is small, but it’s all too sweet to not see as he tells you yes.

Other members of the entertainment industry are at the party, but it’s a low key vibe. People sitting and lounging as music flirts through the air. Many friends welcome you and Dieter to the party, making small talk and trading stories. One local from nearby asks Dieter to play for them. You’re confused since you know Dieter doesn’t play an instrument, but the local brings out an accordion. The actor that you thought you knew so well plays a playful and lively tune for the party. People cheer and laugh, dancing to the beat as a band from the bar nearby comes in to join Dieter. You watch in amusement as this once frumpy and drugged out actor now leads the charge in a heart fluttering chorus. He’s lost himself in the music with the rest of the band, but as soon as the song is over his eyes make contact with you. You can’t help yourself to cheer and clap loudly like the rest of the party, which makes Dieter duck his head with a smile ready on his face.

The band takes over and Dieter leaves the spotlight to be with you, pulling you down the beach always to get away from the crowd. You cling to him as your bare feet splash through the water. Looking up at the lovely man, you watch as Dieter stops and places his hand on your hip, drawing you close as his other hand holds onto yours.

“One dance? Please?”

“I would never say no to a dance with you Dieter,” you respond as you two sway through the surf. The band’s music is just barely in range for your quiet tango. Placing his chin against your head, you're tucked into the warmth of Dieter's chest, a place you never thought you would be. It feels nice and just so right to be here with him. 

“I’ve wanted this for a while now.” Dieter breaks the silence with his soft, low voice.

“Us dancing?” your voice is equally as hushed.

“Holding you.”

You don’t say anything right away, too in awe to talk. “Since when?” you squeak out.

His chest rumbles with a chuckle, “You know I’m not so good with time anymore, but I feel like it’s been too long.”

“Oh, you’ve never really given me any hints.”

“No, I suppose I didn’t in your memory.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been swimming with you; dancing with you. We’ve had several lunches and dinners together. Built tons of sandcastles, even painted together. But I was never able to hold you till this very night,” he strokes your back as you look up at him.

“Are these all dreams you’re talking about?”

“Dreams, visions, past lives, either or. Take your pick. It doesn’t matter. After the last couple of…weeks… I’m not sure. I'm only certain of one damn thing any more,” he places your hand on his shoulder as he tucks your hair behind your ear and holds your face to his.

“What’s that?”

“I’m going to have to relive this day over and over again, but I swear each day I’ll do everything in my power to show you that I’m utterly in love with you. Even if you don’t remember it in the morning, and I have to repeat every detail from tonight again, I swear it’ll be worth it to have this chance to hold and love you again.” A stray tear leaves Dieter's eye, but he doesn’t look sad, just completely enthralled and devoted. 

And even as you don’t quite understand what he’s saying, you completely understand what he’s feeling. The mingling of your breaths, the entwine limbs, and unbreakable stare draws you into the man you once didn’t have a care for. Now, you really can’t help yourself as Dieter waits for your first move. You kiss him, smashing your lips to his. He envelops his arms around you wholly as you push your fingers into his hair. You’ve waited so long to run your fingers through his curls, enticing a moan from his lips to yours. He’s hungry you can tell, as he drives his tongue against your lips and tangles against yours. Just as you break apart for air, Dieter picks you up and swings you around against the surf, causing you to scream with delight as his lips attack your neck. It’s the scrape of his beard that causes you to gasp out.

“Dieter!”

He stops abruptly, “Do you wanna have sex with me?”

“Fuck yeah.”

It didn’t take long for you two to get back to his hotel room, Dieter incredibly thankful he remembered to clean this morning. Not a second is wasted as he strips yours and his clothes off grabbing kisses in between layers. The man can’t stop tasting you. You were, beyond a doubt, the best thing he has tasted, and he had really only tasted your lips so far. Without thinking, he lifts your naked body off the ground and places you, rather ungracefully, on the bed. Giggling into your hands, he kisses up your curves, between your breast to each nipple, and then up your neck and finally your lips. Taking a moment to center himself, he rests his head against yours. 

Placing your hands to the sides of his head, you nudge your nose against his whispering to him that you were on the pill, which springs him into action again. Kissing and biting down your body to your nipple, he swirls his tongue around your perked peek until you arch your back into his mouth.

“Please Dieter!”

His large hand rounds and squeezes your breast as he lowers his mouth completely to suck on your reddening nipple until he believes your other nipple needs attention. Digging your nails into the bed, you huff out a moan while you throw your head back. He hums as he rocks himself against your thigh. Before he continues down your body, he rests his face between your breasts and squeezes them to his face. You realize what he’s doing and laugh, trying to gently push his face away.

“Did you expect me to be 100% a gentlemen tonight?” Dieter smiles up at you from between your boobs.

“No, I know you're really a goofball at heart,” you laugh and pat his head.

Dieter launches up to you, smashing a kiss to your lips and quickly leaving you a dopey smile as he bites at your belly then your thighs. He lifts one leg over his shoulder as his arm circles around your leg, warming your belly as he presses you down to the mattress. You don’t get much warning when you jerk and gasp out as you feel a large flat tongue lick up your folds and swirl around your clit. Your hips try to desperately buck up to Dieter’s hot mouth, unable to move under his firm hold. His tongue and mouth continue their dance upon your clit as he slowly strokes at your soft and wet folds with his free hand. Gently, one finger enters you as all your fingers tangle into Dieter’s hair. You feel him moan and rumble against you as you also feel a second finger fill you. Quickly Dieter’s fingers get to work, stroking at your walls causing you to flutter and echo his name to the walls around you both.

“Shit sweet girl, you taste so good when I have you like this.”

“Fuck Dieter.”

“Sorry not yet,” Dieter kisses your clit, “not done tasting you, but I’ll give you what you want soon.” He mumbles as he runs around your clit. “Shit you smell so good too.” 

You're about to comment that no one’s ever said that to you before when, instead of words, another moan and curse comes out of your mouth just as Dieter presses three fingers now deeper against your walls. Returning a small amount of attention back to him, you tug at his hair.

“Fuck baby, I’m close,” you cry out as you feel the rolling pressure of his fingers against your quivering walls. “Can you get me there Dieter, can you get me there pretty boy?”

Dieter thrusts his erection deep into the mattress, “Shit, yes ma’am.”

Changing position a little, he takes his hand off you to trace tight circles around your clit while his tongue starts to lick at your fluttering pussy. His other hand pulls out of you so that he can push back into you, over and over. Now that there isn’t any force holding you down, your hips shift to the timing of his hand just as your nails run through Dieter bemused hair. Quickly the bright throbbing heat in you builds up and over as you cry out to Dieter while he carries you over the edge with his constant pressure. Backing his hand out of your heat, he licks and lightly bites at your soaking entrance till you plead for him to come up to you. 

Obediently Dieter climbs up your body to give you a needy look as his desire is still wanting. 

“Can I fill you up more, sweet girl? Do you think you can take more of me?”

It’s not really a question from him. It’s more so that he is pleading with you to take more of him as you feel him throb against your stomach.

You sigh out a “please” as he kisses you and takes hold of himself to slowly enter you. Pushing in little by little, the man pulls back and pushes in again. He lifts up his head and closes his eyes as he repeats the action. While he hovers over your body, lost in the tight space of your heat, you nudge your nose against the column of his neck, kissing and nipping at his freckles. Soon you feel even more full than you did with his fingers, as he starts to pound into you. You hang on to his shoulders, digging your nails into his skin.

“Feel so good Dieter, please don’t stop.”

Dieter groans and lowers his head into your neck. “Shit, think I’m gonna try to fuck you every day after this.” He throws your leg over his hip, not stopping his hips from snapping to yours. “Don’t care I have to do this whole day over again, I fucking will for you.”

You don’t understand what he means, but you can’t bring your brain to stop and piece it out as you feel the heat start to build again. Quickly you start to chant his name until he fully pulls out of you and flips you to your stomach. Loaming over you, Dieter’s arm comes around you as he leans over your shoulder, placing kisses to your back.

“Is this ok?” he asks while smoothing a hand over your hip.

“Only if you start fucking me again,” you smile back at him.

He gives you a quick sharp nip to your shoulder before lifting you ass to the air and pushing himself back into you. He doesn’t wait for you to adjust as he hastily picks up the rhythm he had before, but now brings his arm around to circle your clit. You can’t help yourself from pushing back into Dieter as he moans into your shoulder.

“Think you can cum again for me, pretty girl. Think you can let me fuck another organism out of you. Maybe let me fill you up?”

You gasp out and hang on to the headboard ahead of you.

“Will you let me fill you up? Would you let me fill you up tomorrow night too?”

“Shit Dieter, yes, do it now!”

“Fuck, well you’re the one who likes to plan.”

He buries his face into your hair as he picks up the pace of his fingers against your clit, and you begin to cry out begging for him. You close your eyes tight as a bright light hits your eyes and your cunt squeezes Dieter tight. He curses and his pace falters as he tries to continue pushing in and out of you. Not long after you finish, Dieter finishes inside you as well. You both collapse in a pile together, slugout in each others arms. After some more kissing and light petting, Dieter easies himself out of you and lifts out of bed for a wash cloth. He comes back to bed, finding you looking over his fluffy green robe. After you're both cleaned up, he helps you into the robe, liking how it engulfs you. Together, you both fall asleep after basking in the afterglow of the best day of your life. Dieter holds you, kissing to sleep, he tries all night to not fall asleep, afraid that you won’t be in his arms tomorrow.

He does swear, “Even if you're gone tomorrow, I’ll do the whole damn day over just to hold you like this again.” He closes his eyes and leans his head to yours, “But please be here tomorrow.”

June 26

“Can you understand me, baby don't you hand me a line,” a muffled moan calls out into a pillow. “Although it doesn't matter, you and me got plenty of time,” Dieter flops over to the side table, reaching his hand out. “There's nobody in the future, so baby let me hand you my love,” he knocks several things off the side table, completely missing the alarm. Groggily sitting up and leaning over he looks at the clock for the switch. Dieter shakes his head, he’s gotten too used to just unplugging and throwing the thing across the room, “Oh, there's no step for you to dance to, so slip your hand inside of my glove.” 

“Hey, don’t turn it off, let it play. I love this song,” a rough sleepy voice speaks out. Dieter turns quickly to see you, smiling and cuddled up in his green robe.

“Hold me, hold me, hold me.”

Dieter places the radio down gently, “This is one of their better songs,” he whispers back to you as he tangles himself back into bed, back into you.

[obeiii-mee]

Hello! Can I request an hc about a shady MC who's not phase by anything in Devildom with the brothers (and Diavolo?? he deserves love!!!)? Like, when Luci's like "i CaN KiLL yOu hUmAN", MC's reaction was like "Oh... congratulations then." i need more shady mc who may or may not be planning to ruin your life😂😂 Thanks and take care!!❤❤

The Brothers + Diavolo with an MC that is not phased by DevilDom

__________________________________

Pls I need more shady MC, they would not take any shit from the brothers. Put any Gen Z-er with these guys and you’ve got yourself a suicidal and reckless human exchange student.

They wouldn’t know what to do with one of those ahaksbakanhaka you’re right, Diavolo deserves all the love >:(((((((

You better take care too >:( thanks for sending me this big brain request. I’ve been preoccupied with other projects so I took a while to get to this ask. Hope you’re doing OK💙

____________________________________

Lucifer:

-He thought having a human exchange student was going to be bad enough as it is but this…..this was so much worse than he could have ever imagined

-The moment you arrived, he already knew you were going to be a problem child and a persistent one at that

-Literally the first thing you asked him was : “Why do you look like an off-brand Levi Ackerman?”

-And he was left there, astounded, confused and offended because he had no idea who you were talking about (cuz at that point you hadn’t met the third eldest) and the tone you had was, frankly, pissing him off

-You kept wondering off on your own????? Without looking like you gave a shit even though you almost walked into a butcher’s shop that specialises in human meat???? Tf MC?

-Also really irritated that you couldn’t be intimidated and that DevilDom was like a playground to you, for some reason? Like, MC get out of the fiery pits of eternally tormented souls- this is Hell, not the McDonald’s ball pit ffs

-Things did not improve for him lmao, by the end of the first week he had already ripped out a good chunk of his hair because of you

-“MC, you should know by now provoking demons like this for no good reason is only going to make life harder for you. Keep this up and you’ll get killed in no time because of your behaviour.”

-“Great, can we have a hip-hip and a hurray?”

-In the span of one day, he’s had to come to your rescue six times (approximately) because you’re too nonchalant about your surroundings around literal creatures of hell

-He doesn’t have enough coffee or will to live for this bs

-“Lucifer, I found this dead plant and brought it here because it reminded me of you.”

-“…..sigh. Why? Why does it remind you of me?”

-“Because it’s cold and unresponsive.”

-He made the consecutive decision to ignore you

-(low-key kept the plant tho)

-Honestly, you get on his nerves a lot and he has definitely contemplated killing you in the past but at the end of the day he really can’t bring himself to do it

-We both know he tried a few times lmfao

-“I will tear you limb from limb, human-“

-“Can I finish my tea first.”

-“You…wait, what?”

-“You’re crazy if you think I’m letting this tea get cold. Try to kill time before I’m done and I’ll smash this cup against your head.”

-If you try hard enough, you might even elicit a laugh out of him, especially if your shadiness is directed at any of his brother which results in him patting your head affectionately

-Nowadays he’s just concerned because you seemed to have made an alliance of sorts with Belphagour and Satan and that’s not a good sign

-For his sake, if not yours, at least try to survive the year without getting chomped on by a random demon please

-He’s too stubborn to let you die just because you’re unbothered by everything so cut him some slack and help out damn it

Mammon:

-“Oi Lucifer, how come I’m stuck babysittin’ this stupid human?”

-“And how come I’m stuck with this asshole for a tour guide, with his fake ass designer shoes and no brand sunglasses. That’s a lot of smack talk from someone with crow shit stains covering the back of his jacket. Also, did you stick your hair in a bucket of mayonnaise?”

-……..

-He was so offended lol

-Normally, humans like you cower in fear whenever demons are as much as mentioned because of the whole “I can eat you whole” thing

-And here you are; insulting the Avatar of Greed and one of the princes of Hell himself just because you didn’t like his attitude

-Don’t worry tho, he warms up to you in less than a fucking month simply because you still come to his rescue whenever his brothers start insulting him and wow, look at that, his heart is now combusting on the floor

-“Y’all have no right to criticise Mammon when he has the most self control out of all of you.”

-“Since when does Mammon have any self control? He can’t keep himself from nicking anything that looks shiny.”

-“Motherfucker, I don’t see him trying to choke me to death, respectfully pls shut the fuck up. I don’t want to say I have favourites but if I do, it’s definitely him.”

-While Mammon’s in the background, with hearts instead of pupils in his eyes like ❤️👄❤️

-He doesn’t even mind running around after you anymore (will still complain about it though because your ass is in constant danger and he’s had enough)

-Honestly, you keep starting shit with random demons, some of which are quite powerful mind you, and you don’t back down even when he’s there to step in

-Would low key love to watch you fight one of your classmates at RAD and organise a ticket selling booth for the event but Lucifer will hang him a new one if he does

-So for now, he sticks to baring his teeth at the aggravator in question and you’re there, giving the same demon the middle finger

-The way you sometimes match his energy gets him so hyped up lmao

-“Mammon, did you steal Levi’s money again?”

-“T’s none of her business human. Now go away, shoo!”

-“Bitch, don’t ‘shoo’ me, I ain’t a bird. Now tell me, did you?”

-“…..Why do you ask?”

-“Because a new flavour of instant noodles just got announced, called ‘Super Hell-Sauce Flavour’ and I thought you might be more interested in that than wasting the money on gambling.”

-“….ok but only if you come with me to buy some.”

-This…this is true love right here

Levi:

-Oh no, now there’s two of you

-Why do I feel like his energy would match MC’s almost immediately? Maybe it’s because he spends too much time in his room on the internet like the rest of us do

-“What do you want, you stupid normie?”

-“300…..”

-“….300 what?”

-“300 mangas collected, thousands of episodes of anime watched, over 60 character figurines, plushies, body pillows, merchandise and several posters only to be called a fucking normie by a demon weeb that’s only known me for 10 minutes.”

-Boom, instant friendship

-He becomes attached to you almost immediately and now that he knows how unphased you are by DevilDom, he is seriously worried

-Hell, you’re making him consider going outside his room just to make sure you’re alive and not dead in a ditch somewhere because you decided to get on someone’s nerves that particular day

-Even during the quiz thing, when he almost kills you, you’re just sitting on the floor and awkwardly watching him as he throws a sissy fit

-Levi feels sort of conflicted with you because one one hand you’re good company and he loves having you around, you’re his Henry after all

-But on the other hand, you put yourself in so much danger it makes him paranoid so often to the point where he wants to keep you locked in his room and wrapped in bubble wrap

-Nearly had a heart attack when you almost walked right into a pit of lava like MC???? This isn’t one of his video games???? You’re not gonna respawn if you die????

-Besides all that, he gets a bit jealous of you confidence and your ability to just do whatever without fearing death or consequence

-“MC, how do you do it?”

-“Do what?”

-“How do you go about your life without a care in the world?”

-“I guess I’ll tell you my secret Levi. I’m not like other humans that’s why, I’m just so unique I do things differently.”

-“You sound like a pick me-“

-As long as you’re OK and not injured because of your carelessness, he’s indifferent about your behaviour and will even applaud you for your bravery when it comes to this sort of thing

-“lmao the human exchange student just dumped Solomon’s cooking in the trash while looking him dead in the eye 💀💀💀”

Satan:

-Your attitude towards DevilDom and demons in general kept him entertained, if nothing else

-You rarely seemed to consider how much of a threat that place really is and usually you were just running around, completely ignoring Lucifer’s rules and doing your own thing

-Which, you know, he’s all about

-I can’t say there were no incidents between the two of you

-With his short temper and your tendency to say things without caring about the consequences, there were definitely moments when he might’ve snapped on you

-“MC for goodness sake, what happened to my room?”

-“What do you mean?”

-“It’s an absolute mess! I just told you to bring me my spells and curses book, not mow through everything!”

-“It’s not my fault this place is built like a fucking labyrinth. You should be grateful I went to get it for you at all, I almost tripped and died several times on my way back. Also, you should get a new ladder for your shelves. It did the broken.”

-“MC….”

-“Yes?”

-“You are so lucky I love you.”

-Other than the fact his anger takes over him when things like these happen, he not so subtly encourages you to keep going because seeing Lucifer scowl at your antics gets him wheezing his lungs out

-I like to think Satan would be very impressed, even in the beginning, at the amount of nonchalance you can radiate at times

-I mean, you sure as hell don’t see it often and he loves how unpredictable you are more often than not

-If anything, he should probably thank you-idk how, but his patience has increased significantly every since you got here and he appreciates having some more control of his emotions

-“I’m gonna go put oil in Lucifer’s shoes.”

-“Do you have a death wish?”

-“Satan, I am old enough to make my own decisions and I concluded that this action is necessary.”

-“Necessary for what?”

-“Raising everyone’s morale! All of you seemed to feel down lately so I thought this would be fun for everybody!”

-“Except Lucifer, right?”

-“Except Lucifer. He grounded me from my D.D.D like I’m a fucking teenager who needs to be supervised-pssshht, I’m the most responsible one here.”

-“Yes clearly.”

-“Goodbye dear Satan, I may die today. But it’s for the greater good! (Dramatic exit with sound effects)”

-“WAIT MC!”

-“(pops head back in) yes?”

-“May I offer you my assistance?”

-You’re basically taking turns pranking his brothers and it’s hilarious

-Satan is not too worried about your well being simply because he knows his siblings and him are always going to be nearby to save you if you pull something stupid again

-Even so, he checks up on you throughout the day; just to make sure

-“Where were you?”

-“Running from a bunch of demons. Who wanted to go munchy crunchy on me, I assume.”

-“……”

-“Either that or people here are a lot friendlier than originally expected.”

-You can be such a handful and it really tests him, especially when he’s angry enough to begin with

-But despite your amazing talent at either getting completely lost around Hell, purposely walking into a prohibited place just because you felt like it or riling up others with how blunt you are, he still cares about you deeply

-You may be a pain the ass, but you’re his pain in the ass <3

Asmo:

-He should’ve known something was up with this particular human when you stood there, completely calm and collected, while Beel salivated at the thought of eating you on your first day

-Asmo just brushed it off for a while but it kept happening???

-The first time Lucifer ever told you off, you really went and said “Or what? Are you going to eat me? If so, you can go ahead and start with-“

-He came to your rescue and covered your mouth before you got to finish and before Lucifer unleashed his wrath on to everyone in that house

-“OOPSIE! I think MC has been spending too much time with me. Sorry Lucifer, we gotta run now! We have a party to attend, don’t we MC darling?”

-“You mean the one hosted by the guy that tried to kill me because I shoved into him on the hallway at school and then proceeded to tell him to go fuck himself right back into whatever hell hole he was born in before you came and charmed our way out of it?”

-“Yes.”

-“Ah OK. “

-You’re tiring for sure but you’re not exactly unlikeable

-You have a certain charm hanging about you that Asmo loves

-“I almost died like…30 minutes ago.”

-“WAIT WHAT?? WHY?? WHAT HAPPENED-MC ARE YOU OK???”

-“Yeah, I almost drank some poison today because someone told me it was water. It smelt off though so I didn’t.”

-“….”

-“Anyway, I got you this bracelet on my way home.”

-He really does wish you would take things a bit more seriously

-This is your life on the line, you know? What would he do if you died?

-“MC, you’re not immortal, you can die so much more easily than I can, you know that right???”

-“I don’t care.”

-“Well I do! And you should too….”

-A lot of people don’t see past his vanity tbh, because he can be such a caring person towards the people he loves

-The amount of videos he has of you appearing to be completely calm while pure chaos is descending in the background is pretty impressive

-Every time he uses his charm on you to try and get you to commit his sin, it just doesn’t work???? For some reason???? And even if it’s just with simple, innocent affection for now, he is determined to tempt you into it

-“MC~gimme a hug!”

-“But that’s social interaction and I don’t support it- do you have a charger for my D.D.D by any chance?

-Or at least die trying to ig

-Asmo loves having you around but you’re giving him wrinkles and that’s not okay >:(

Beel:

-The moment he realised how carefree you actually were, he sort of started checking up with you quite frequently throughout the day

-It’s his way of protecting you but if he could, he would follow you around all the time

-Becomes your body guard because you may not care enough about your safety but he certainly does so get ready to be carried everywhere

-You will not get hurt nor will anyone mess with you if he has a say in it and let me tell you, he does

-Thing is, his brothers mostly know him for being slightly dense in some aspects of day to day life

-He’s not perceptive of things that don’t involve food or his loved ones

-And because you most definitely are a loved one of his, he does notice how careless you are really often

-And it scares, rather worries, him because DevilDom is an incredibly dangerous place-even with all the precautions they had taken when you came

-“MC get down, you could fall.”

-“But Beel, look-I’m finally taller than everyone else! Taller than you even! Hey, should I do a backflip?”

-He has no idea why you thought jumping from 60 meter high cliff into a small river of squashed demon blood was a good idea but he wasn’t going to risk anything just because you felt like showing off your diving skills

-Proceeds to carry you away, completely unfazed

-In this case, I feel like Beel is not someone who gets bothered by the horrible things happening around there either

-As long as he has food and his family is safe and happy then he’s also happy, as mentioned above

-But he knows he’s alright with DevilDom because he’s been living here for centuries now

-A bit curious as to why you’re so unbothered

-And even more curious as to why you weren’t terrified of him transforming in his demon form after he lost control when he found out you ate his pudding

-Or more like Mammon did and pushed the blame on you

-“YOU. ATE. MY. PUDDING!”

-“Beel I love you but if you did not just see Mammon shoving the damn container in my mouth two seconds prior to this, then you might need glasses.”

-He apologised to you later for it but even so, you didn’t seem to mind like at all and he didn’t really understand why

-Unless you end up explaining why exactly you feel so indifferent about your life being in potential danger, he won’t really pry

-But now he has even more reason to follow you around like a lost puppy

-Since it’s clear you don’t really care about protecting yourself

-So now it’s his job to do it

-MC protection squad? Mostly Beel and Mammon

-ahhh he cute

Belphie:

-Oh

-You piss him off so much

-He’s trying to have his moment, you know?

-Finally getting that glimmer of satisfaction after killing a human as a way to avenge his sister’s death

-Trying his hardest to make it as miserable as possible because he has so much rage in him, he needs you to suffer

-“Harder Daddy-“

-“Oh fuck off.”

-Nah but for real, what the fuck MC

-Why does he even bother, he feels like he should be sleeping instead of dealing with your bullshit

-Even afterwards, when your future self shows up and he tries to kill you again, you look more thoughtful than irritated???

-Lucifer and Beel are literally holding him back from doing another Chocky on you and you’re standing there, looking at him with your eyebrows raised

-“Hey Belphie, I have a quick question. I know you’re trying to kill me and everything but do you like the colour blue?”

-“HUH??!?!”

-“It’s a simple yes or no question Belphie. Do. You. Like. Blue?”

-“WHAT DOES IT MATTER???!!!”

-“BELPHAGOUR, AVATAR OF SLOTH-YES OR NO, JUST FUCKING ANSWER!”

-“YES! FUCK YOU!”

-“Ah ok thanks. I like blue too :)”

-????????????

-Pls he felt like sticking his foot down your throat

-As of late, he’s kind of glad he didn’t manage to scare you away that day and that he didn’t traumatise you or something

-At the time, he was mad because he didn’t understand why you weren’t scared but now he just wants to make it up to you

-“You didn’t deserve any of that. I’m sorry MC, I won’t blame you if you decide to stay away from me now.”

-“Stfu dipshit, what’s gotten you so depressed? Did you have another fight with Beel? I told you not to eat the last slice of cake.”

-“Rude ass, I was trying to apologise for my past mistakes-let me repent will you?”

-“Said no demon ever. Now let’s go hang out you emo bitch.”

-Y’all vibe together on a spiritual level once that shit gets sorted out

-But he’s kinda scared you might pull out a knife on him ngl

-Obviously, you’re still annoying as fuck with that indifferent attitude of yours but he can live with it

-He appreciates the fact that you’re not scared of him, even after what he’s done

Diavolo:

-Ah yes, the future King of DevilDom himself

-He’s very enthusiastic about the idea of you having fun this year…..and to keep you alive….

-He, of course, expected a range of reactions from you when he first summoned you here

-None of which were “Ok but could you not have given me a heads up? Before the whole teleportation thing? I face-planted your onto marvellously polished the floor and now I think I lost even more brain cells than before.”

-He felt so bad gagajajahahwgehhsb

-He apologised for bringing you out here without any warning like that and then proceeded to introduce you to everyone

-Diavolo is actually kind of relieved to see you’re handling everything pretty well

-He thought that maybe DevilDom was too much for a human to deal with

-Meeting Barbatos also went incredibly smooth

-“Barbatos? The one that cleans the floors right? Big fan of your work, I could eat off the floor of the main hall.”

-He’s so glad to see you getting along with everyone and not getting intimidated by the brothers

-It gets him excited thinking about how the exchange program is gonna work and all three realms will be united

-But he’s not stupid so don’t think he’ll allow you to stumble around, getting up to all sorts of mischief

-He always has someone watching you because he would hate to see you die, despite being pretty fond of your carefree attitude

-“MC, please be careful. Most demons here aren’t all that nice.”

-“Aye aye Captain.”

-He fears that many demons would take your indifference as a challenge and try to assert dominance or something by kidnapping you

-As far as creatures of hell go, they love installing fear in people

-So he always keeps an extra eye open for you

-And he’ll be there to help you if something goes wrong

-But other than that, he’s pretty chill as well and he finds you so hilarious, it’s been a while since he’s seen someone as eccentric and dramatic as Mammon and Asmo

-Idk what else to add here, Diavolo is very accepting and as long as you don’t get hurt, he’s glad you can get used to your new surroundings so easily

———————————-

Al~

[crimesceneboys]

Tommy: “WHAT. IS. UP. VLOG NATION? Wilbur and me here, cleaning up -”

{He looks over.}

“The crime scene of the latest attack by the Annihilator. Won’t show shit, ‘cause that’s disrespectful, but WILBUR! The people want to SEE you.”

{Tommy turns the camera.}

Wilbur: “Tommy, what-- What the fuck are you doing? Why do you have a camera-- Tommy, we’re on a job right now.”

{Wilbur looks incredulously from his clipboard.}

“Are you-- Are you fucking vlogging this??”

Tommy: “The grind never stops, Wilbur. If I don’t record this, how will I get my TikTok likes? Or my YouTube views? I know you consider this our full-time job -”

Wilbur: “Because it is our full-time job.”

Tommy: “Maybe to you. But to the thousands of women who tune into my voice-overs of cleaning blood-stained fucking bathrooms… I’m their everything.”

{Wilbur stares at Tommy in disbelief.}

Wilbur: “Thousands of women? Tommy, come on, take this seriously, please.”

{He taps his pen on the clipboard.}

“We have a whole list of things to get done, put the camera away.”

Tommy: *Deep, melodramatic sigh.* “Finneee. Just lemme - just lemme get my fucking B-Roll. I need something to voice-over.”

Wilbur: *Very tired sigh.* “Just-- fine. Fine. Let’s get to work, this super made a fucking mess.”

{The camera clicks off.}

Tommy: “Now that Wilbur isn’t being an ass about it, I can actually record more. We’re getting lunch at our favorite fucking place.”

{Wilbur stills and glances up from his menu.}

Wilbur: “Are you back on about your fucking vlog again?”

Tommy: “When aren’t I, asshole? I’ve been doing this for months.”

Wilbur: “I swear to god I can’t get a moment of peace, you little prick.”

Tommy: *He sticks his tongue out.* “Stop being a stick-in-your-ass about it. Anyways -”

Wilbur: “That’s not how the saying goes.” *He’s grinning, though.*

Tommy: “Okay, know-it-nothing-asshole. ANYWAYS, as I was fucking saying, for my three thousand subscriber celebration - I was gonna start a series about answering questions related to our field of expertise. Y’know, shit like - what does dried blood look like? Or, how hot is blood-boiling, really? The things the people WANT to know.”

Wilbur: “You have three thous-- nevermind.” *He shakes his head.* “You know this is just going to turn into strangers on the internet asking you probative personal questions, right?”

Tommy: “I hope they ask you why you’re such a loser. Or why you listen to Wonderwall on repeat on our drives to work every day. It isn’t even GOOD, Wilbur.”

Wilbur: “It’s not my fault you have absolutely no taste, you little gremlin.” *He puts down the menu and grabs the camera from Tommy.*

Tommy: *Tommy grabs the camera back as well, yanking.* “BITCH! LET GO! I WILL MAKE A SCENE!! HE’S STEALING FROM ME! HELP!”

Wilbur: *Wilbur reaches across the table to smack Tommy’s head lightly* “Tommy!! Shut the fuck up, we’re in a cafe!” *He lets go of the camera with a sigh.* “This is such a bad idea…”

Tommy: “If it’s such a bad idea, why are all of the Hero ASMR channels doing it? I think it’s awesome! Nobody ever pays attention to our line of work, but now they will!”

Wilbur: *Speaking in a high voice* “Oh, yes, maybe the Villains will be less messy in their crimes!”

{A waitress clears her voice out-of-shot.}

“Alright, Tommy, put the camera away so we can eat.”

Tommy: “It’ll be awesome, Wilbur!! I promise.”

{Tommy gives one last grin to the camera, before turning it off.}

[fuck-customers]

Fuck coworkers but fuck rude customers even more. When I started working there I was paired up w a girl who had been working there for 4 years already. At first she seemed nice, but holy shit. I’ve never been micromanaged like that before, I didn’t know how fucking infuriating it is. She’d be weirdly rude abt nothing, like when I came in to work (my shift started a few hours after hers) and said smthn like “hi everyone, how was the lunch rush? Lots of customers?” she’d snap “why?? You think you won’t have to deal with a lot of customers later on just bc a lunch rush is stressful?? Bc that’s not how this job works”. GIRL. I WAS JUST TRYNA MAKE SMALL TALK. She’d talk shit abt our other coworkers, especially X, the girl that had worked there for like 6 years. This girl legit made a list of the people X liked from most to least, and put herself at the bottom. Then she showed it to me for some fucking reason and said “isn’t it weird? You’ve only been here for a few months and still X likes YOU more than she likes me. Isn’t that funny?”. W H A T? She once told me she wanted to audition to a shit reality tv show but she was excited abt it so I was like go for it! The next week I asked her how it went at she got legit pissed and hissed at me that I must be stupid for thinking she’d actually do it. When I was still learning how to do my job I admit I was a slow dish washer, and a couple of times she told me “you know what, you can just go home. You’re so slow you’re not of any help here so you should just leave.” LIKE? Bitch I don’t like you either but I’m sorry we’re gonna have to learn to work together here. This girl nearly made me quit but I didn’t have to. Some asshole kids from the nearby high school tried to lie to her (they were like 8 people, 7 of them ordered, all of them went to sit down, when the 7 of them who had ordered got their food they tried to lie to her and said she forgot abt thw 8th person who also had ordered, but I gotta give this girl credit, she knew what the fuck she was doing and knew for a fact only 7 of them had ordered) and when she stood up for herself they pulled out their phones, started filming her and shouting stuff like “WE’RE PUTTING THIS ON THE INTERNET, NEVER COMING HERE AGAIN BC OF THIS BITCH. SHE TRIES TO LIE AND STEAL MONEY FROM CUSTOMERS” with all the other customers just staring at her. I wasn’t there at the time, but I heard she tried to smack the phones out of their hands and got really upset (duh). Later they uploaded the videos all over the internet and they spread pretty fast, and those brats wrote really shitty things abt her. They later got deleted, but she quit anyway. I REALLY disliked her, but I still feel bad for her. She absolutely didn’t deserve that shit. Hope she’s doing ok

[cassandraclare]

I'm sorry to hear that your hard work was leaked but I was curious about what happened. I hope the person faced consequences because that was a very selfish thing to do leaking your work like that :(

I haven’t taken action against the person who leaked the book. I know who they are, since they uploaded the page I signed for them, and I was able to match that against my records. 

I haven’t refrained from taking action because I feel sympathy for them. I don’t. It’s beyond shitty behavior to receive an early, signed book as a gift, and to then leak the entire book online. It’s a shit thing to do to the authors and an equally shit thing to do to other fans. However, I don’t want to put myself (and Wes) through the exhausting, grim and expensive process of legal repercussions. It doesn’t mean what this person did isn’t horrible, and it doesn’t mean they haven’t cost the entire fandom any chance of there ever being an early contest giveaway like that again. They did. There never will be. There will be no ARCs of Chain of Iron, either, and you can thank them for that, too. 

Part of what makes piracy such an issue for authors goes far beyond the individual assholes who upload and distribute and translate stolen books. It’s that the whole system is set up to make it incredibly difficult for us to do anything about it. Publishers do little to nothing to prevent piracy, and authors shoulder the entire burden of searching out and reporting illegal copies of their books. And even then, we’re dependent on whether or not the reported website feels like complying with copyright laws or not. Twitter is incredibly slow to respond, Tumblr is about fifty-fifty on bothering at all. They’re legally required to take action, but they also know that the effort of doing something about it if they do not falls on exhausted, overburdened artists who often can’t afford to follow up with a lawyer’s letter.

And like, I get being broke and wanting to read books; there were a lot of books I had to pass up reading when I was broke (I will be forever grateful to the library system of New York and Brooklyn, which is how I read books at all from about 2001-2004.) I was broke enough that I slept on a bare mattress because I couldn’t afford sheets, but I’m pretty sure if I broke into Bed, Bath and Beyond and stole a bunch of fitted percale bedding I wouldn’t have encountered much sympathy if I got caught. 

I talked about this on Twitter before, and I’ll say it again here though I know it will make very little difference: pirating books doesn’t just hurt the author of those books. It hurts everyone at the publishing company, where the margin of profit is razor-thin (and yes, publishers should do more to protect themselves against piracy; I agree there); it hurts bookstores, especially indie bookstores (I remember doing an event at a store that told me, sadly, that they were likely going to have to close because people “came into the store, looked at the books, took notes, then went home and pirated them.”) It hurts libraries, who rely on circulation for funding, and the shutting down of libraries hurts people who actually can’t afford books.

Now, I know is no way to talk people out of piracy; the internet has normalized it, and besides, people will generally do the cheaper, easier thing — you can’t talk people into not doing something they want to do by telling them it’s wrong, in my experience. They’ll find ways to justify it, whether it be that they can’t afford the book or it isn’t yet available in their language or that they find the author “problematic” and this is the way they’ve chosen to punish them. 

The reason I put “problematic” in quotes is because yes, of course you can read and enjoy work that has problematic elements. Pretty much everything has some element that’s going to be found problematic by someone — which is exactly why deciding that it’s morally excusable to steal from people you think are creating flawed work is more than problematic. Holding creators accountable for their work means critiquing that work, not stealing it.

I listen to a lot of political podcasts, and some of them review work by extreme right-wing politicians etc. who have written books that the podcasters find morally despicable but wish to, or need to, review and discuss. Since they don’t wish to give money to the authors, they buy second-hand copies or take the book out of the library. They certainly don’t steal, translate and distribute copies of the books because they genuinely do not like them and do not want more people reading them. That’s what it looks like when you have an actual moral problem with a book or author. 

However, running multiple fan accounts for a book series, naming your internet identity after characters from that book series, and talking endlessly about “your favorite parts” and how this is “your favorite book” entirely invalidates any argument that you’re doing this because you think the books are bad, evil, etc. If you claim a book is actively homophobic or racist but are so desperate to read it that you’ll steal it, so excited about it that you’ll share that stolen copy, so obsessed that you’ll illegally translate a whole book and provide that stolen translation to as many people as possible, and so dedicated to the fandom that you’ll name yourself after the characters in the books and write poetry about them, I have to tell you: the last thing that looks like is that you actually find the books problematic, regardless of what you say to the contrary. It looks like you like them but don’t want to pay for them, because in fact, that’s the case. (Either that or it looks like you’re really into racist, homophobic books, and making sure as many people read them as possible, which is your problem.)

One of the issues I have with piracy is that it teaches you to hate creators. You have to hate them, because you’re doing a fucking awful thing to them and you have to justify it. This results in lying about creators — about their process, their translations, their research — as if somehow, even if they were bad researchers, that would justify widespread theft. (It doesn’t.) Those who steal books wind up in a headspace where they are obsessed with the content of the books, and entirely unwilling to accept the reality that those books were created by a real person that they’re really harming. It encourages the mentality that I didn’t create Jem or Magnus or Will or Cordelia: they came from some kind of sparkly outerspace planet and I was just lucky enough to get to write down their adventures. It invalidates the hard work creators put into what they create, and in fact, erases their very existence. The internet attitude toward creators is already incredibly toxic (especially if they’re women, LGBT+ and/or BIPOC) and the feeling of entitlement to free content, and vicious hatred toward those who aren’t providing it (even though a lot of creators, me included, provide a great deal of free content) contributes to that. Genuinely, if you’re stealing someone’s work, the least you could do is not also be an asshole about them. (Or pretend you’re Robin Hood. He stole from the rich who had taken property and goods from the poor, and returned that stolen wealth. He didn’t steal from artists and independent bookstores and use that stealing to benefit himself and his friends. The idea is actually kind of funny.) 

 I understand there is a pressure to be up to date on the books that are being released so as to participate in fandom, and I do get that. Unfortunately, piracy has real consequences that stretch beyond just hurting me and Wes. Because LGBT+ books are pirated at such an incredible rate, and we’ve definitely seen that with TEC, I am left wondering if there will ever be an actual Spanish translation of TEC, or whether the publisher will decide not to bother because it’s already been so thoroughly pirated in Spanish. I have to wonder if there will even be a third book of TEC at all, or whether publishers will feel it isn’t worth doing. And I have to wonder why the people who create this situation so often have usernames that include Jem or Magnus or Alec or Cordelia or Julian or Tessa. What an incredible misunderstanding of those characters, to imagine a world in which Will Herondale or Magnus Bane or James Carstairs would approve of stealing books and harming writers. And why name yourself after a character who absolutely couldn’t stand you? I don’t know. I don’t get it, any more than I get hating someone who provided you with something you claim is your favorite book. 

That was a much longer answer than you were probably expecting or hoping for, and I know I’ll get yelled at quite thoroughly for writing it. Writers always do, when we engage with the issue of piracy. I know most of you reading this acquire your books honestly; most of you are not like this at all. But like most things on the internet, a small amount of people really do have the power to make things pretty rotten for everyone else.

[vixenpen]

Can you do a KiriBaku smut imagine with a chubby black s/o

KiriBaku x (F)Thicc Black Reader NSFW

“Ugh! I need a vacation,” you groaned as you exhaled a stream of smoke.

“I need a baecation.” Kirishima replied, grabbing the joint from you.

“Haah? What the hell is that?” Bakugo chimed in, confused.

“It’s a vacation where you spend the whole time fucking.” You explained, laughingly.

“Tch. Isn’t that what vacations are for anyways?” He scoffed, beckoning to Kirishima for the joint next.

The three of you were relaxing at Katsuki’s massive apartment enjoying one of your rare days off together. Mellow music pumped through the surround sound system in his room and black lights cast a purple glow over everything.

The rotation matched the order you all were sitting in. Bakugo, sat against the headboard, your head resting in his lap, and Kirishima sat on the opposite side of you, massaging your feet. It felt amazing to be able to vibe with your best friends. Something that, since becoming pro-heroes, you all found yourselves with little time to do.

“Ya know, Katsu, not everyone turns into a horn dog the minute they step outside of a five mile radius of the gossip rags.” You laughed.

“Hey, if you idiots want the media dissecting your sex lives and splashing it all over the gossip rags that’s on you, but some of us actually give a fuck about our reputation as heroes.”

“Bro, at this point the whole internet knows you’ve got hoes in different area codes,” Kirishima chuckled. “You’re not foolin’ anybody.”

“Yeah, but can you name one name? No. Cuz the people I fuck with know how to keep their mouths shut when it counts.”

“You mean, you break ‘em off a fat check to keep them quiet.”

“Hey, it’s kept my name out of scandals. Can’t say the same for you Mr. Red Ran Through.”

You burst out laughing especially when you saw the baffled expression on Kirishima’s face.

“Ouch man! That was harsh.”

“But accurate.” You pointed out.

Kirishima definitely had a reputation in the hero world as a more of a lover than a fighter in every sense of the word. He was constantly courting a new hero, sidekick, or medical worker. But where as that type of philandering might hurt another hero’s reputation, Kirishima managed to come out of his multiple affairs relatively unscathed; as none of his former conquests had a negative word to say about him. You chalked it up to his charming and chivalrous personality.

“I may have been with a few of our colleagues-“

“A few?! Kiri, you’ve sucked and fucked your way through our entire agency. I think the only people you haven’t fucked in the hero world is us.”

“You, babe.” Bakugo chuckled blowing smoke in your face. “I’ve been there done that.”

“Wait, what?!”

“Yeah,” Kirishima laughed, “Bakugo was actually my first.”

“Wait, what?!” You shot up so fast, you almost knocked the joint from Bakugo’s hand. “I’m sorry, he was your what, when and where was I?!”

“Chill, thickums,” Bakugo smirked. “We were kids—still in high school. It was before we met you.”

You gaped back and forth between the two men in disbelief. Meanwhile they were trading the joint over you as if they hadn’t just dropped the biggest bombshell of the year on you.

“Aww baby,” Kirishima tucked your chin, running his thumb over you bottom lip. “What’s with that pouty face? Are you really that upset?”

“Yes!” You crossed your arms. “We’re besties and neither of you assholes thought that might be valuable information for me to know?”

“I mean, not really.” Bakugo snorted. “What were you gonna do with it? Sell it to the gossip rags?”

“Or maybe she was gonna dream about it herself.” Kirishima winked. There was a wicked gleam in his ruby eyes that made you flush.

“Heyyy, I think you may have been on to something there shitty hair.” Bakugo pinched your round cheek. “She’s blushing.”

“No I’m not! Black girls don’t blush!”

“Baby, blushing is more than just a color on your cheeks, it’s a mood, and right now you’re totally giving me that mood.”

“W-whatever! I could care less that you two used to sleep together.”

“Used to?” Kirishima quirked a brow.

That statement earned an incredulous look from you.

“S-seriously?! You still...” A pang if envy shot through you at the idea of your best friends sharing something that you weren’t apart of. “You know what, I don’t even care.”

“Oh?” Bakugo quirked a brow. “Then you won’t care if I do this.”

He reached across you to grab Kirishima by the collar and plant a deep kiss on the man’s lips. The burly redhead melted into the kiss easily.

Simultaneous moans escaped your friends as the kiss deepened.

“Ahem! Y’all realize I’m still here right?” You snapped.

“How could we forget?” Bakugo smacked one of your chunky thighs, jiggling it a bit. “That little show was for you thickums.”

You wished you could look away, but there wasn’t much else to look at with two hot, shirtless, muscular men looming over you. You popped your lips and rolled your eyes.

“That little attitude ain’t scarin’ nobody pun’kin.” Kirishima pressed a soft kiss on your lips. “I know you liked it.”

“Hell yeah she did.” Bakugo added. He toked the joint one more time and held your gaze as he blew the smoke in your face. The predatory way he sized you up made you feel...exposed—vulnerable. “You know, as long as we’ve all been friends, I wonder why neither me or Shitty Hair never tried to fuck your fine ass yet. God knows it’s not like we aren’t both into you.”

“Better yet,” Kirishima said, turning you to face him by your chin, “it’s not like we aren’t all into each other.” He kissed you again. This one was much more commanding than the last and his tongue wrestled yours into submission.

“Oi!” Bakugo snapped. He grabbed your chin as well and pulled you towards him. “You not gone keep stealing all her affection from me, Shitty Hair.”

Bakugo bit your lip, making you gasp. He took full advantage of that opportunity to slide his tongue into your mouth.

Is this really happening right now? What the hell?

“G-guys, wait...” You pulled away from Bakugo.

“What’s wrong, sweetness?” Kirishima asked, sliding your box braids aside to plant gentle kisses along your neck.

Between his soft lips and Bakugo’s strong, scarred hands sliding along your thick thighs, your sex was clenching desperately for stimulation.

“You don’t want this?”

“I-I’m not sayin that, I’m just saying...” what the hell were you saying? Because the way Bakugo was sucking the top of your breasts had you drawing blanks.

“Why don’t you stop pretending, y/n?” He smirked up at you, hooking a finger into the scooped collar of your tank top and yanking it down to free your full, round breasts.

He hummed. “Fuckin’ delicious.” He groaned.

Licking his lips, the ash blonde dove down to suck your hard, brown nipple into his mouth making you hiss in pleasure.

“You clearly want this, y/n.” Kirishima chuckled. The deep, rich sound rolled down your spine and made goosebumps rise on your skin.

His large hand slid around your side to squeeze your other breast. He rolled the pebbled nipple gently between his fingers.

“You want this and so do we.” He nipped at your ear. “So what’s up? Are we doing this or not, thickums?”

Before you could say anything, Kirishima’s hot mouth sucked your nipple into it.

“Oh god.” You sighed as shivers ran down your spine.

They ran their strong hands up your juicy thighs, squeezing and massaging them.

Each man worked either side of your body. Bakugo was now behind you, running his hands down your spine—mouth tasting your sweet skin, nipping along your spine. He dug his hands into your hips, caressing them lovingly.

Kirishima took care of the front. He sucked hickies onto your soft stomach and slowly worked your shorts down.

He groaned at the sight of your bare brown skin.

“Damn, that’s beautiful.” He grinned up at you, ruby eyes flashing once more. His mouth landed in an open mouth kiss against your clothed core, fingers exploring your pussy through the thin fabric of your panties.

“Ki-Kiri~” you sighed.

Bakugo bit your ear, making you yelp in surprise.

“Is Kiri the only one here, thickness?” He asked.

“N-no..” you stammered back.

He slid his hand down until he reached your pussy and toyed with your clit. Shockwaves of pleasure coursed through you.

“Then say my name too, Thickums.” He plunged two fingers into your heat, flexing them towards your gspot.

“Ahaaa, Katsu!” You cried out.

“Man, Katsuki, you gotta see how pretty this kitty is.”

“Does it look as good as it feels?” He asked, slipping a third finger into your gripping cunt.

“Mmhhm,” he hummed in response. His long tongue slithered out, joining Bakugo’s fingers in your juicy pussy.

The sensations had your head swimming and your nipples and cat tingling with excitement.

“Tastes just as good too.”

“Oh yeah?” Bakugo slipped from behind you to join Kirishima’s side. He laced his fingers through the redhead’s long hair and forced a harsh kiss onto the man’s mouth. “Shit,” he muttered between kisses, “that is good. But I bet it’s better straight from the source.”

Soon Kirishima’s mouth and fingers were replaced with Katsuki’s. His fingers swam inside of you and he sucked at the sensitive button of your clit until your pleasured screams grew hoarse. Your cream soaked his face and hands. When he made way for Kirishima to join in, your moans only grew louder.

The two men seemed to be competing in who could bring you to ecstasy more times. They worked your sex until your legs shook and your toes curls. You dug your hands into their hair, and bucked your hips to meet their mouths, hungry for more of the overwhelming pleasure.

“Baku-Kiri, shit! Shit, shit, shiiiit! Oh my god!” You couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, and couldn’t think.

“Cum for us, Princess,” Kirishima urged, “come for your daddies.”

And cum you did. Again, and again, and again, until everything went black.

(Art by: @deb_amm/Debby-San)

[iwishicanbeagoodpianist]

the Wifilcon and the Winter Router

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OC/Reader Summary: When Bucky learns that his neighbor has been stealing his wifi for months. Warnings: None A/N: I'm not a fanfic writer at all, this, like all my stories, are adaptations to fanfics. My original stories are not written in english, so this is also a translation. please do not repost my work

For an instant, Bucky thought that the knocking he was hearing was coming directly from his head, I mean, it wouldn't be the first time his mind played tricks on him, but he realized that the sound was actually coming, unluckily for him, from his apartment door. Oh no no no no no no no, I just got back from putting up with Sam for almost 6 full weeks, I don't need interaction with more people for now.

Bucky thought for a minute to ignore the sound, to wait for the person to give up and leave, anyway he didn't spend many days on this apartment, almost no one had seen him leave or enter the building and he had no contact with the neighbors, only with the lady on the 7th floor who once lost one of her cats, which ended up in Bucky's apartment, accidentally. Not that I found the cat in the alley and actually brought him to my apartment, it doesn't mean that I stole the cat, he was in the street by himself, I rescued him.

When the banging on the door stopped and Bucky thought he could breathe calmly again, a voice between altered and annoyed was heard all the way to the living room where he was sitting trying to overcome his third panic attack and fourth existential crisis of the day .

-"I know you're in there! I saw you coming in a few hours ago! I've been waiting for days for you to come back!"-

More out of instinct than anything else, Bucky pulled out the knife hidden in his right boot as he slowly backed away from the door. Do I really have a spy as a neighbor? Should I call Sam? Is he in danger too? Never mind now, you need an escape route Bucky, concentrate, third floor, window to the alley, 2 minutes max, the bike is parked far away, I'll have to run, but to where, rendezvous point, safe place, think....

- "for God's sake, open the door, I need you to pay for your fucking internet plan, I'm in the last season of my series and I need to know if Carolina died or not!"-

- "The internet?"- Between the andrenaline from escaping and the shock of not understanding what was happening Bucky spoke louder than an assassin, with over 60 years of experience, should have spoken. Oh, shoot.

-"Yes! Your wifi, I need it to finish watching my series"-

Whispering "wifi" to himself, Bucky tries to remember where he has heard that word before, this is what I get for never listening to Sam when he talks to me. But before he can continue his mental analysis of all the conversations with Sam about such stupid things as his favorite American Football team, the New Orleans Saints, that I remember, to how Antonio could possibly leave María on the last episode of the 6 o'clock telenovela of which Sam is a fan, his apparent "neighbor" spoke up again:

-"Jesus Christ, can you open the door? So we can resolve this like adults"-

Bucky resigned to the fact that he has given his position to the "enemy", walks to the door and opens it waiting for his death. Well at least if I die I won't have to listen to Sam again talking about Antonio and María. But on the other side of the door, there was a woman, who in her pajamas, very unthreatening but cute, was watching him as if he were a ghost but still with defiance in her eyes, in one breath she introduced herself and continued her speech about her complaint to Bucky:

-"As I was saying, I need you to pay for your internet"-

-"I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I understand what you mean"- mumbled Bucky.

- "Good Lord"- To Bucky's surprise his neighbor, pushes him and enters his home, well not so much a home home, more like the headquarters of his secret club, of which he is the president, vice president and only member, the point is that it is his place, where he can (and wants to be alone), as she lives here. This must be a dream, maybe I hit my head too hard in the last mission and I am unconscious in the hospital.

Crossing the room, Bucky's unwanted visitor looks around searching for something while whispering the words "I see you are quite minimalist, but maybe this is too much, someone urgently needs to look for some inspiration on Pinterest". She stops abruptly in front of the shelf where, in theory, a TV should go, while shouting: "EUREKA", she bends down and picks up a white device which has two antennas and like a million little blinking lights, damn, that looks like something out of a spaceship, I'm being watched by aliens? I'm being spied on by Kree?

-"This is your router, this is where the internet signal comes from, which I need you to pay for so I can finish watching my series"-.

Bucky, still in shock for the third time in less than 15 minutes, as he processes the idea that perhaps Thanos' unknowing twin is spying on him for a second invasion of earth and revenge for his brother's death. He can only nod to his now more relaxed and happy neighbor.

-"Perfect, thanks! I need to check the food I left in the oven, I'll talk to you later"- and as quickly as she came she left through the same door, leaving Bucky with more doubts than answers, peeking down the hallway, he realizes that she is the neighbor who lives next door, to his right. When Bucky comes out of his initial stupor, still not fully understanding what is going on, he decides to take his cell phone out of his pocket and call his own personal Google to solve his doubts about this century: Sam Wilson.

-"Hey Buck! What's up?"-how does he always manage to sound so happy? focus Buck.

-"What the hell is a router and why do I have one in my house?"- somehow Bucky manages to formulate, although maybe his voice cracked a little on the last words.

-"That thing's been there for at least two months and you didn't even notice it? Have you even paid the bill?"-

-"You put this in here? Without telling me????"- maybe Sam is also a Kree? Who can I trust now? It's all a trap?

Listening to Bucky's accelerated breathing, Sam tries to explain to him slowly, that in this century life without internet is not life, but obviously as Bucky does not even know how to set the alarm on his own cell phone, he was in charge of buying the router and creating the contract with the company so that, the 106 year old man could have his personal network at home. He had given it the name but he had not given it a password so that Bucky himself could set it up later. "I am an excellent friend, I mean co-worker, if I may say so"

-"Sorry man, after all that happened, we got called for a mission and I forgot to tell you, do you have your laptop over there? I'll help you set up a password, so your neighbors won't steal your internet anymore"- and with that comment everything started to make sense in Bucky's slightly screwed up but functional mind about the events with his seemingly non-spy and harmless neighbor.

Meanwhile Bucky was trying to remember his own password to unlock the laptop in front of him, also courtesy of Sam. "Bucky, when you learn about online banking and that you can pay your rent, electricity, phone and everything with a click of your computer, you will thank me". It should be noted that Bucky hasn't used that laptop once, like a good 100 year old grandpa he goes to the bank to make his deposits and pay his debts, which obviously consisted only of electricity, water, gas and phone because the man had no idea that there was a device in his house that spit out internet, apparently only his next door neighbor knew this. Buck tells Sam how he thought his router was an alien device and how he thought his neighbor was a KGB agent coming to kill him. "Relax Buck we all have undesirable neighbors that steal our internet signal sometimes", well undesirable is not the word I would use to describe her but ok.

When Sam finally explains to him how to connect his computer to the internet, Bucky can finally see the name that his wonderful co-worker, not friend, because he could never be friends with someone so stupid as to think that the name "THE WIFILCON AND THE WINTER ROUTER" was a good name.

- "my god Sam, you're such an asshole!"-

-"HEY! That's a great name!"- Sam responds with as much indignation as possible, he's the best at naming everything from dogs to wifis.

- "I can't believe you're Captain America, I can't believe we're even friends"- Bucky really can't understand his luck to have friends, well, co-workers whatever.

- "Well excuse me but we're co-workers..."-

- "Well, take this call as my formal resignation, bye"-

-"Wait a minute Buck..."- Bucky ended the call, to finish -his self-imposed- punishment of listening to Sam Wilson talk for over an hour. At least I asked him how to use the bank's website to pay for the internet. Suddenly, without warning and without explanation, the memory of his neighbor is lodged in his head, her hair in a ponytail, her reading glasses, pink shorts, her sweater from some university of which he can't even remember the name because he was watching out for other things... that she wouldn't kill me obviously, he was watching out that she wouldn't pull a knife out of her back and kill me right there. The message on his laptop indicating that he can now set a new name and password to his wifi distracts him enough to stop thinking about his sweet and cute non-spy neighbor and how she would look with her hair down and her glasses off.

Still with the sweet feeling in his chest and the desire to see her again he writes as the new name of the wifi, while laughing:

"If you want free internet, you owe me at least one free dinner"

After paying the internet debt and closing the laptop, Bucky gets up hoping to find something edible in the kitchen, while leaning over to look inside his fridge and analyzing how bad it would be to eat a fried egg with pasta and sriracha, he hears again a knock on the door, but this time it does not cause Bucky the anguish and anxiety that caused him the first time, but quite the opposite.

-"Open the door Winter Router! I prepared chicken pot pie for dinner"-.

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

U got any shigaraki and deku acting like siblings hcs ? 😁

A. BUNCH. AND THEY ARE ALL YOURS :

*Note: I have a little sister myself, so I know how the sibling culture goes 🙄😈. And oh, we even trained Tae Kwon Do together, so you can included the real fights in the list.

First of all, we're not talking about two calm and collected, perfectly behaved boys.

Let's imagine they keep all for one and one for all, but instead of being like gods, they stay with only two quirks and their power is reduced, and also they can't pass the quirk to another person or steal other quirks any more. They're stuck.

Deku has his superpower and black wip. Tomura has his decaying quirk (under control now) and he can float, just like Nana.

And because they are two stubborn little pricks, they argue all. the. time.

Don't get me wrong, they normally won't react like that with other people. Tomura would let you slap him and he won't even blink. Same with Deku. But as it often happens, no one can push our buttons like our siblings.

That's exactly why, at least once a week, someone needs to interfere in their fights.

I mean the "they're up in the sky fistfighting, kick hitting, swearing like sailors" type.

I'm not promoting violence on here. THIS IS HOW MANY SIBLINGS WORK, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT.

Tomura feels the sudden urge to kick Deku while he's walking down the hall. Deku wants to save his game over Tomura's session because "oops". They like different foods. They argue about if a certain pro-hero is cool or totally useless. Tomura thinks Deku's hair looks like moss and Deku tells him he's like a failed Monster High.

And they fight.

Now, this is a typical case of "no one can insult my brother except me".

No one defends Tomura as much as Deku does. I'm talking about Deku telling to All Might's face he's being a dick and Deku telling Bakugo to shut the fuck up.

And then you have Tomura, former symbol of fear. After redeeming himself, you can bet his favorite new hobby is picking assholes apart via analyzing them and telling them what's wrong with their childhoods and traumas.

That's absolutely not nice of him. But come on, let's talk real. None of them are saints and none of them are where they are because they're nice all the time.

They are what everyone fears compacted in two weirdly buff geniuses. They are nerds and they are awkward and fight over who's asking for the pizza this time, and at the same time they obey no authority but themselves.

Deku is like “if you don't like Tomura, keep that to yourself. It's embarrassing.”

Tomura is like "If can't stand Deku, then kneel before him.”

One is a former villian, the other is an almost villians and the best they can do it's meet in the middle: gray moral characters that, in lack of a better option, created their own side.

Let's change subject to what really matters:

They are annoying.

You can't possibly watch a movie with them. They talk too much, criticize too much, have an entire combo of figuring out the ending in the middle of the movie and they ruin it because they are too smart. They are officially banned from movie nights.

I've say this before, but the amount of inner jokes and references? Heavens save us all.

They can be referring to something nerdish, like a fact you wouldn't know if you weren't well versed on Victorian authors, and the next minute they would be talking in tiktoks and YouTube recommendations at 3am.

Kings of bullshit. They don't have a single clue what they're doing. They're figuring out while it goes. Plan? What plan? They're baffling. If you listen to them for too long, you're gonna lose your mind.

They're also banned from playing scrabble. Tomura always make up words that somehow exists and Deku is a walking dictionary.

When they're alone, they're nice to play with. Deku is a wonderful team mate and friend. Tomura is actually pretty chill and funny.

What the fuck happens when they get together, no one knows. They are like sure of themselves and all that self-confidence turns into chaotic energy. They can just be chilling around or not even talking, but the tension is there, not between them, but to the rest of the room. They could begin their activity at any minute.

Their direct rivals are Aizawa and Bakugo.

It's the only way you can balance the situation. And I'm not talking about fights, I'm talking about the game nights still.

You have the decaying-bunny duo vs the eraser-dynamite duo. This is, and I'm not gonna lie, actually a pretty intense and funny rivaly situation. Everyone needs to pick a side and then they go.

There's another duo that can face the decaying-bunny team, and that's the Todosiblings. The problem is that Shoto and Dabi are half of the time supporting Deku and Tomura on their chaos, and half of the time fighting them.

You have the Voice of Reason team (Spinner and Iida), the Bloody Gravity team (Uraraka and Toga) and the Dadteam (Kurogiri and All Might).

Imagine how intense are Tomura and Deku as siblings that they forced other people into creating teams to fight them. Not because they wanted to, but because people found it necessary.

Oh but boy, you can bet they are also maximum crushes of half the world.

They are the type of celebrities you call assholes when they appear on the news after saving a bunch of people from a natural disaster. They are talking with the reporters and??? They look fresh and smiley, gentle and charming, almost naive, but you're getting distracted because how can they be so handsome???

Misters "I don't know how popular I am" because they're clueless, they don't know how often they break the internet with their online activities.

Their merch is everywhere. They make the money they need just by accepting appearing on ads and commercials or doing cameos on TV shows, music videos, etc.

AND THEY ARE ASSHOLES ONCE MORE??? BECAUSE THEY PLAY WITH THEIR AUDIENCE IN THE CUTEST AND MOST FRUSTRATING WAY POSSIBLE.

“Are you dating someone”, “Oh, am I?”

All I'm saying is that they have an amazing connection. They are best friends and rivals and worst enemies and each other's fans #1.

I love the headcanons of them being cute, a little distanced siblings, but I prefer the cheer chaos of them being really close.

Mostly because I know they could have the type of bond that gets you through the worst times. The type where you don't need to use your words, you can talk with your eyes, just by looking at your brother and you already know what they're thinking.

And this has so many implications. From stupid things like Tomura sitting on a shopping card while Deku buys the things they need for the week, to them both fighting side by side against the worst enemies they could think of.

But those implications are things that I need to study further in future posts. 😉 So don't be afraid to ask for more headcanons about the decaying-bunny duo.

[potatoof69]

alternatives for honey impact because fuck them

I know a lot of the genshin community know that honey impact was being taken down and now is back up on another server, but I haven’t seen a lot of people that are actually taking Honey’s response seriously and not like it’s just a harmless joke:

Yeah, no. This is literally so disgusting. Fuck honey impact, seriously. If you can still defend them after this, or even laugh at it, then you better ask yourself why you’re fine with defending someone who steals shit and profits “5 digit numbers” off of it, and then proceeds to throw a tantrum with ablest and racist insults to target game devs, not even the owners who actually call the shots. Why are you yelling at people who live off of coffee and fix bugs in their code all day? I doubt they give a shit about company revenue, they’re just trying to fix stupid bugs and remember to stick in semicolons. I know that hating on big companies is all the rage these days, but Honey isn’t even talking about Mihoyo’s greed or anything; they chose to target their ability to speak English and use mental illnesses as an insult.

Honey Impact seems like the best place to find info on genshin chars rn, but here are some alternatives to use so we aren’t giving these assholes even more money:

1. Paimon.moe. This is pretty much the best alternative I’ve found so far, even beating honey in my opinion. It has a wish counter for you to keep track of your wishes past the six month mark on Genshin’s history page, a page to see characters’ ascension materials, scalings, base stats, constellations, talents, and even a quick little guide for each character. It has calculators to find how many resources you’ll need to ascend a weapon or build a character, and even for friendship farming. It has a database with materials (and what day to farm them), weapons, furnishings (including which are the special ones for which chars), and artifacts. It’s got an achievements checklist so you can keep track on what you have to do next. It also has a reminders tab to remind you about stuff like the parametric transformer or logging into Hoyolab to get the daily rewards. It has a timeline that keeps track of all the genshin events in a neat format. Also, no ads at all on this site, yoohoo! Honestly, I’m surprised I haven’t been using this earlier.

2. KeqingMains. This has base stats and scalings from level 6 onwards for each character along with their constellations and passive talents. It also has damage calculators and even lots of in depth theorycrafting guides and pages for each character. It has info on combat mechanics, artifact sets, weapons, world environment, and each enemy in the game. If you want to know all the meta about playing Genshin, here’s the site to go to. Also no ads here, so you aren’t bombarded with “i just fucked my stepmother” manga ads all the time.

3. Genshin Wiki. This has a ton of stuff, like voicelines, stories, base stats, and ascension materials for all the characters. It also has lore and scaling for all the weapons. If you want to see Artifact and book lore, it’s got that too. This is basically the go-to site for all the lore.

4. Hoyolab. Yeah, Mihoyo’s actual legal forum. They have an interactive map on the site, which actually shows a ton of useful stuff. It shows chests, oculi, world quests, NPCs, fishing spots, monsters, wood, local specialties, puzzles (sorted by what kind, too), ores, books, recipes, and even heat sources if you’re ever stuck in Dragonspine with sheer cold chasing your ass down. Along with all the puzzles, chests, and oculi are also videos on how to solve them.

5. Finally, Adblocker. If you really have to use Honeyhunter (to look at leaked chars, I guess), use adblocker. Using Adblocker makes it so the website can’t load ads and therefore owners don’t earn revenue from their ads when you’re looking at the website. So if you really have to use Honey hunter, fuck them up with adblocker. Don’t give more money to their 5 digit earnings that they’re getting by literally stealing data. The person running this site definitely makes more money than the low level employees at Mihoyo so don’t feel bad about fucking them over.

In the end, outside of leaks, Honey Impact is not that useful, nor is it particularly impressive after all. They have no content other than the shit they datamined. Everything on that website is stolen info, and now they even removed watermarks and are literally mocking the people who created all that shit in the first place. Who, by the way, aren’t the ones calling the big shots about main company policies that everyone’s upset about.

Paimon.moe made to-do lists and wish trackers, and is definitely more user-friendly. KeqingMains have better guides and people actually do contribute their own guides and stuff along with the data. Genshin Wiki is a whole database for lore, and Hoyolab has the actual interactive map.

There will always be other leakers. This entire community loves the hell out of leaks. Hell, I like leaks bc I can know ahead of time which characters are coming so my f2p ass doesn’t suffer. I used honeyhunter before all this shit happened, because I thought they genuinely liked the game and it was useful. I also didn’t know they made money off the site, which in hindsight should’ve been obvious bc of all the ads. Yeah, after this, I don’t think they’re doing this for the game or the community, it’s for the money and the clout. Hell if I’m going to contribute to the thousands they make every month after this.

What I don’t like is pretending that leakers are somehow the Robin Hoods, going around generously giving us info bc of course they have no other hidden agenda, right. Yeah, Honeyhunter made thousands off of that site and tons of internet clout, no wonder they’re trying to keep it afloat. Honey Impact won’t always be the only site that goes datamining, others are eventually going to surface and do it themselves. Hopefully those others won’t be racist, ablest, money hungry little bitches. Or Mihoyo might take another step forward and release roadmaps for the characters and render Honey Impact completely useless, who knows.

TLDR; please don’t continue to support Honey Impact. There are lots of better alternatives out there for character and weapon information that you can use. Or install adblocker. Or get your info about leaked chars’ ascension stuff through secondhand sources that repost Honey’s info, bc that way you aren’t actually accessing their site. Because going onto that website does give them money; it isn’t harmless.