#just silly harmless stuff yknow

[mothy-graves]

just got a compilation on my tiktok of that guy who will do silly little pranks on his blind husband and immediately thought of Arthur Lester

more specifically, NY polycule I think. Noel would do little things to fuck with Arthur I think, and John and Oscar would be trying not to laugh too loud and give it away. sometimes John participates in the fuckery but Oscar feels too bad to mess with Arthur like that. however it’s impossible for him not to laugh at least a little. especially when Arthur clocks what’s happening and laughs too

[anothermonikan]

Hate when I find myself getting genuinely irritated over something that really does not matter in the slightest like,,,,Andy you're ruining your self-image of being non-judgemental and not having pet peeves because you believe it's unfair to be mean to people being harmless. Andy. :((((((((

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

👽AITA for telling kids that aliens are real?👽

this is a bit of a goofy one, maybe not THAT serious, i just want to know the internet’s thoughts.

i (20sM) have a friend (20sF) who is a nanny for a family of 3 kids, and has one kid of her own. i won’t give the kids’ ages but they’re all younger than 10. she often brings her own kid to work so they can hang out, and on this one particular day this summer she invited me to come hang out, getting ice cream and going to a nearby park.

i have a decent amount of tattoos, and since the weather was warm, this was the first time these kids got a good look at them. of course, they’re really into it, and start asking me questions like “did this one hurt?” “will they go away?” yknow, things like that. as they find different ones, i tell them little stories about what they mean: the flower behind my ear is our state flower, the skeleton just looked cool, that one’s for a band you probably shouldn’t listen to until you’re older, etc. at one point we arrive at the one on my upper arm, which is an alien spaceship.

here’s the thing. i’m not very good at talking to kids, and never have been. i was kinda using this ice cream date as my chance to practice and watch how my friend does it. i also do wholeheartedly believe in aliens, and got this tattoo as a way of getting silly with it and feeling less embarrassed when i tell someone i believe in aliens (not that it’s something TO be embarrassed about, i’ve just been talked down to about it a lot by people who disagree so that instilled a bit of shame. but you can’t be embarrassed about something you got permanently etched into your skin!).

so when i get the “what’s this one?” question about the alien ship, i decided i’d have a little fun with it, so i answered: “it’s an alien spaceship. aliens are REAL, you know!”

here’s how i see it: these are kids. i didn’t want to beat around the bush and give a long-winded “i really like aliens a lot, some of my favorite media is about aliens, and i think they actually exist.” i feel like that’s a lot for a kid to grasp, plus with the added concept of “i think this is real, but others might not.” the debate on extraterrestrials echoes a lot of ideas one might have debating the existence of god or an afterlife, and while i’m all for questioning the beliefs you were raised with, these kids are a bit too young for that, and they’re not my kids anyway. plus, believing in aliens is relatively harmless, right? i wanted to give them a little sense of wonder and encourage them to do some research if it’s something they liked the idea of.

after the kids weren’t around, my friend kinda told me off for it a bit. she didn’t want the kids she nannies for to go to their parents and tell them that “[name]s friend with a bunch of tattoos told me aliens are real.” and in that sense… i can see where i might’ve fucked up.

fast forward a couple months, and lo and behold, these kids are now obsessed with aliens. on the one hand, i do feel a little bad for it. but on the other hand, i kinda feel like aliens are a fairly common childhood obsession? lots of kids cartoons are about aliens, and in my mind it seems no different from an obsession with dinosaurs or greek mythology or something. it doesn’t seem like the parents are actively trying to discourage it, either. at the same time tho, i can see how telling the kids something like that could’ve cost my friend her job.

i’m more than happy to talk to the kids about alien stuff more if they want, but i’m still not fully sure if i should’ve said anything at all. is that something i should’ve let them discover on their own?

What are these acronyms?

[explosionanon]

how has things been for these sillies?

– 🥽💥 –

Alright, actually! We've been getting into the Christmas spirit! A bit of harmless decorations isn't hurting anyone – it's nice to have a good bit of christmas cheer early in the month, yknow?

I don't really mind the holiday – it's fine, just.. not a fan of all the bright lights and loud music. It hurts my eyes and ears.. I'm not good with that stuff.

It's not so bad 'round here. Zephyr over here is a pretty good baker.. the gingerbread was delicious, think there's still some left over. But it's great!

Gingerbread is my favourite. I like it more than candy canes.

[ It seems that they're doing okay.. even if they're a little bit further out the void, things are just fine. ]

[viiridiangreen]

there is Real Shit happening in the world but my idiot brain decided to rant about Funko Nerds for a sec sorry

listen it's whatever i'm not about to pull a picture of someone's ShelfieTM(💀) and have an aneurysm over it like Some Twitterheads did over pics of white ladies' stupid pointless consumerist stanley cup collections which ARE dumb and annoying and woefully uncreative expressions of suburban soulrot etc yet. harmless in the grand scheme of things (esp when some of those ladies' husbands collect firearms lmfao I DIGRESS). im not gonna name names im not gonna repost anyone's pic im not gonna go be an asshole in their comments.

but i do need to rant On This Here My Toxic Dump Of A Blog for a sec bc i just don't get.... the breed of collector that i'm gonna call Funko Nerd 4 short

like i GET the impulse to be Part Of The Club and ig a couple pieces of official merch have At Times caught my eye. a few have made me deranged obsessed unwell. I DID make that extremely silly art trade with this furry i met online where i drew its fursona in exchange for a code for bluesky which i ended up using like twice and the chance to buy a years old yet unworn Very Cool destiny sweatshirt off them. i was Besotted since that particular merch drop Dropped because it DOESN'T scream to the four winds that it's A Game Merch but instead it all had the First Light Lunar Installation logo.... stealth nerd apparel my beloved. i don't wanna look like a fan of the thing i wanna look like someone IN or FROM the thing. designers of shit like that you get it. i love you. i would've gone for the boots too on either that or the Europa drop if i'd had disposable income at the time.

BUT. UHH. if i ever found myself or a close loved one filling shelf after shelf & maybe getting a whole dedicated piece of light-up furniture for like. Licensed Merch perhaps even Still In Its Box & Meant To Remain There i'd just. i'd want piglet to pull the trigger yknow? lmao

and like i FULLY GET the impulse to collect shit. gathering Trinkets and Thingamabobs and Tchotchkes is the absolute shit. minimalism be damned magpie swag is hot & sexy etc whatever

but WHY.... THE HELL.... would someone choose to collect samey mass produced shit when fanmade merch sometimes even HANDMADE is fucking RIGHT THERE ?????

and the folx who collect Funko Shit tend to have -10000 sense of visual harmony & taste. they just throw all the shit together and expect that bc fellow nolifers know how much it costs how long delivery takes how limited the runs are they'll be impressed but i just. gag. even when each individual thing is a nice & well made figurine or charm or pin or whatever instead of pukeworthy to begin with & only lent value through Licensing the way it happens w actual funkos..... it looks sososososo ugly just thrown together like that.

whatever. it's not Bad it just Deeply Offends my sense of aesthetics. if i'm gonna spend money on silly vidyagaem / generally geeky stuff i want it to approximate the look of something that came From Within The Thing's Fictional Universe. & not just give "Worthless-Until-Licensed Plastic Garbage To Make Money Off The Thing" vibes.

i'd rather have like. a tiny handful of things that were made with love for both the inspiration and the craft. that feel good as hell to hold or use or look at. that would only get clocked as Nerd Shit by someone who's been in the trenches & has crawled exactly as deep inside the creators' asshole as you have....... than a whole spare room's worth of things designed by an overworked underpaid intern to fulfill the collectibles quota or w/e. but that's just me!!

this goes for tattoos too. every time i see someone get a TRADEMARKED LOGO ETCHED DIRECTLY INTO THEIR INTEGUMENTARY SYSTEM i projectile vomit inside ✨💖👌

this Grievance is Especially Silly coming from ME like. my living space objectively looks (& functions) like shit. these ppl showing off their Nerd Caves tend to At Least have like. Real Indoors Finishes And Furnishings instead of unsealed concrete nonsense and Insect Condos masquerading as walls. but. yeagh i like to imagine that if i lived in an apartment that was Made & Meant To Be An Apartment (instead of a halfassed halfconverted storage area / outdoor garage...) & had a moderate budget for decoration (???? fucking bougie propaganda brainrot 2 even think abt that in my situation lmfaooooo). i'd make Slightly More Tasteful Choices.

also i'm not vagueing anyone i've literally only seen this nonsense on facebook / lil bit on twitter

[a-rogue-god]

Dove (mostly Dove/John ship) lore master post GOOOO

Things are subject to change ofc when I learn more about Shoreside and we're given more information with new episodes.

General information ofc

She/they/he basically any! She's bigender so some days she leans toward a more masculine look or more feminine look. Gender at birth is ambiguous. I don't know where I lean. Both appeal to me and exist simultaneously. Shrodingers gender. Bisexual/pansexual :]

5 foot 5 inches tall (almost a foot shorter than John at 6'4")

She's 25 years old, birthday: 5/12/1998 (using the day I first ever talked about the concept of her, may 12th! 1998 since I asked when shoreside is set, and it's set in 2023, time just yknow catches up on you when you make things so in 2023 shes 25. John is 35 in 2023 so this makes him 10 years older than her)

She lives in Florida around the Daytona Beach area with her grandparents! I imagine she's originally from another state (coughs. Pennsylvania) but probably got sent down to Florida to be raised by her grandparents due to some shitty parent drama ofc.

She works in the local library with her grandmother. Does all the running around putting books away that the older librarians can't do. Outside of that she also helps her grandparents around the house. Very helpful woman. Does a lot of the yard work, puts up Christmas lights. She'd be unassumedly strong for how she looks imo.

Some of her hobbies include jogging, writing, drawing, reading, baking. Kind of asocial until you get to know her, then she's a silly fellow. Sarcastic by nature, but harmless. I named her after bleeding heart doves, and which bleeding heart can kind of be used to describe her. Very soft hearted and kind most of the time which can be detrimental lol. Lol. (Her working with John probably makes her morals more aligned with his overtime, changing her personality slightly to be more similar)

Uh. Random facts: She has really bad eyesight. Has an old fat orange cat actually named Garfield funnily enough. Shades of blue are her favorite colors. She smells sweet. Carries uh. A sketchbook, other miscellaneous note taking stuff. Always has candy on her hajfjsjdj favorite animals include ofc pigeons, cats, axolotls, snakes. Her music taste is very all over the place, she likes Frank Sinatra and other that era crooners thanks to her grandparents, while also enjoying hard rock music, metal, pop, some techno, punk. Her faaaavorite TV show is Twin Peaks. Good lord she can't shut up about it. Has a crush on Dale Cooper.

Rest under cut for length reasons. Some shoreside spoilers.

In 2011, when the massacre happened and pieces of people were washing up on beaches, Dove was ~13 at the time and remembers seeing that shit in person on the beaches of Daytona, and all over the news. Traumatizing! But puts a want to understand what's Going On till adulthood. Probably has a phobia about the ocean! Hahaha:)

I've been playing with the idea of maybe doves grandparents being involved in the house club? But I don't think they would be!

when she hits adulthood, and specifically in her 20s, she puts effort into researching this shit in her free time.

(A lot of this is speculation and not knowing shit after this)

The first time she meets John Gein (outside of seeing him on the TV back in 2011 when he used to work for CNN) in person, I'm sure it was because she was probably trespassing somewhere she shouldn't be while he was investigating the area simultaneously where he runs into her. First it's of course all suspicion and you can't be here, and he kicks her out.

She being the stubborn woman she is, she keeps showing up and keeps having run-ins with John who, out of some begrudging admiration for her dedication to discover things, reluctantly lets her begin helping him with the shit he's more interested in, and not the goals of the company he's working for.

(He's both relieved and annoyed that Dove doesn't want payment. Yaay he doesn't have to pay her and ugh. Unpaid labor. That's okay John the only thing she wants is you to pay for both of you when you go out to eat and discuss the things you've discovered)

They probably met and began this whole thing maybe a couple years before the events in 2023, maybe 2020 idk? She'd be just out of college. At first they're just uneasy acquaintances, but eventually as they continue working together, they become friends (as they grow closer you just KNOW dove is sending him silly memes. The more weird the better), the two warming up to each other. They both greatly appreciate each other and enjoy being in the other's company, at some point both crossing a "i have romantic feelings for you but neither of us have admitted this yet" threshold where their friendship holds a more tender feeling, where they begin sharing drinks ("one large strawberry milkshake please. No we don't need two, just one for the two of us please! :]") and what not.

Everyone assumes they're dating at this point. They're not yet, but ofc dove gets teased relentlessly by her grandparents. ("Ooohhh Doveee your boyfriend is here!!" "He's not- not my boyfriend." cue very amused John look. "Oh make sure you're being safe and protected!" Wink wink nudge. "MOM-MOM PLEASE.")

Do they love each other? Of course they do. I think it would inevitably be John to say he loves her first. He'd probably say it while she's panicking about something and being worried so he decides to like. Catch her off guard and get it off her mind via kissing her, which works! Works very well because sure enough she can only focus on him holding her, cupping her face and letting her know he loves her and not to worry about whatever she was freaking out about. Yaaaay entering the actually dating now era yippeeee

Cue them now actually doing couple things outside of their working together... John gifting her sweet things like flowers, candy. Gets her a little pigeon plushie because it reminded him of her. (That plush will now be cuddled to death when she sleeps alone bc of him jfjsjfjsj) Dove's grandparents would probably trust John so much they'd give him a key to their house to let himself in to see Dove whenever tbh. Sometimes he lets her know when he's coming, othertimes not so. Showing up while she's not expecting him and jumpscaring her a lot hahaha. I'm sure he finds it funny (he does). That's fine you keep jumpscaring her like that John, well fuck you get your hat STOLEN loser! Yoink! Ope girl now you're getting grabbed and hoisted into his arms and- ooohh they're cute together actually hehehe

Their relationship is very equal despite the 10 year age gap ("MYS THATS BAD" - they are two consenting adults. It's fine. 35 isn't old. Leave me alone), Dove, unfortunately, would probably be too dedicated to him even as he kind of becomes more uh. Crazy? Ig I can use that to describe it. Not seeing anything wrong with him harassing Noah Risse for answers, only kind of at least being mad at John's attitude toward Porter's and Bryan's deaths and John being fired for it, but being just as eager to get the information they want. Would definitely help him kill someone if she had to. Hah. (Idk why I enjoy the idea of him teaching her how to shoot his gun. Yknow. Just in case. No reason! :] )

Um. I don't know what else to add. If you read this and have questions about her feel free to reply/shoot me an ask.

[just-a-sleepy-idiot]

🎃 Lady Dimitriscu Headcanons: Halloween 🎃

Content/Warnings: Gender neutral Reader

She wouldn't celebrate it if it wasn't for your request to do so

You usually never asked for anything so despite not seeing the appeal in such a festivity she will grant that wish for you

She thinks Halloween is quite a silly thing and the traditions confuse her a bit, like the contrasting theme of scary things in combination with sweet treats

But Alcina does find it amusing and curious that on this one day humans will try to mimic their favorite monsters and Indulge in scary things when they are usually rather avoidant of anything like that

Also finds the concept of having a 'favorite Monster' very surprising because how can anyone have a favor amongst beings that hold their dreams captive with fear ever since they are little?

When she expresses this strange contradiction you go over to were she is seated to kiss her cheek, saying that it's quite possible as she is your favorite Monster-

That will set her off for a moment, making her blink in surprise before she quickly returns to her composed expression as she smiles ever so charmingly at you

She will have the castle decorated in human Halloween fashion even though the castles usual design is also quite spooky

Didn't plan on dressing up but when she sees you preparing your own costume so enthusiastically she changes her mind

No matter what she wears it'll be elegant anyways

(Ok but if you dress up as a vampire she will ADORE you and show you how to compose yourself as elegant as possible)

Takes an effort into finding out what the human depictions of monsters are so you'll recognize her costume even though it's likely to be an inaccurate depiction

A few days before you will carve Pumpkins with her daughters which they will likely enjoy cause.. stabbing things yknow

They might also want to try out Trick or Treating but instead of Tricks it's murder, doesn't that sound fun?

Everyone finds it kinda interesting how humans like to be scared on that day to an extend

Alcina could easily get some chopped up fingers and blood on the buffet, because she saw that on Halloween people prepare their foods to look scary but she thinks it wouldn't really be in your taste so it'll be some harmless stuff

The day actually makes her learn a lot about the difference between the fun kind of scary you like and the scary she is used to

Will waltz with you in costume, not minding the size difference at all (and she's leading so just let her guide you into the dance)

- - -

Please comment if you liked this

[gumilac]

Dating Fushiguro Megumi would include

library dates, no doubt.

walks in the park as you hold hands

also museum dates, i feel like he'd be such a museum geek

cuddles will consist of him reading a book to you while you lay on his chest

he has such a soothing voice too? like hella smooth like butter

isn't clingy even, but he is touchy especially if it's just you two

i feel like if you're laying on your stomach, he'll just place his hand on your ass

he just needs to be touching you at all times

i feel like when you guys are alone, megumi would be so giddy he's so cute please

his laugh is the cutest and only you have the privilege of seeing it

is a completely a different person when it's just the two of you

he has a smile only you can see, like the smile where he shows his teeth and his eyes are almost closing

has really pretty teeth

i feel like he'd be so silly around you

he hangs out with itadori and gojo and the crack those two have are bound to rub off him

doesnt like PDA, likes to keep the intimate stuff behind closed doors

his way of PDA is pranking you a lot mean but you cute so i'll allow it

malfunctions when you call him megumi

he's sometimes really clever with the pranks too, but ofc he'll never do the ones that'll hurt you

just a jumpscare here and there, and the one where points something on your shirt and when you look down he brings his finger up to hit your nose, yknow? those harmless pranks

hugs you afterward

he only does it to you because you're special to him

he likes it when you hold his hand and kiss them

DOG CAFES !!!! you visit one at least once a week

MEGUMI LOOKS SO CUTE WITH THE DOGS PLEASE?

the dogs love him. perIODT. NEED I EXPLAIN?

likes smothering your face with kisses, his hands just cupping your face as he pecks your entire face, and says "i love you" after every kiss

he plays the piano, and BOY DOES HE LOOK ATTRACTIVE

ALWAYS serenades you when it's your anniversary

makes you sit down while he plays a love song for you

SINGS AS WELL, SO AS HE PLAYS THE PIANO HE SINGS TO YOU TOO DIES HAND IN MARRIAGE SIR

i dont think he cooks well, bUT he does know how, and he will learn your favorite dishes

[aaami]

what Kajo and Cicero like to do on their free time? besides yknow 👀

They like getting into trouble purposefully, be it pulling pranks on their fellow dark siblings, trying to bamboozle a group of bandits (Cicero being the bait, pretending to be a harmless, foolish idiot) or causing havoc in the towns and cities of Skyrim.

Whenever visiting the towns or cities, they also just like to spy on people, maybe find a spot somewhere kinda hidden and then just watch what people are doing. Maybe making stories about the random people for each other, just being silly and dumb.

Sometimes they are just lazy and cuddle, Cicero reading books to Kajo (she is dyslexic and doesn't like reading) or maybe they are just babbling about random stuff that makes sense only to them.

They also like to spend their free time planning how to carry out contracts, it's a lot of fun for them to come up with very elaborate plans.

And yeah... You know ;^) Holding hands

[tumblunni]

Tell us things about Team Galactic that you love. Tell us what it is about the commanders and leader you love!

Oh man, where do I start! Where do i end?? XDI’ll just list random stuff!

* I started off liking Team Galactic just because they’re very silly in an endearing way. I unironically love the over-the-top designs for everyone!!* But I also gained even more appreciation for them as the game progressed! They’re like... CRAZY competant! They manage to succeed A LOT at all of their goals, and even though they’re an eccentric lot their leader is a terrifying badass and their ultimate hidden goals are some of the darkest in the series. And it’s a great duality! And I love how its actually aknowledged in-universe as a plot point! People underestimated them because of their outward silliness. And Cyrus deliberately kept the full truth from all of his underlings, so even they didn’t know exactly what they were helping him do. There’s a lot of theories that this is even why he selected the people he did for the job, he picked a bunch of easy-to-manipulate dopes who would craft a harmless goofy image for his team. I don’t think that’s entirely fair though, I don’t think the commanders and grunts are STUPID, even if they can come off as space cases sometimes. I just like to think that cyrus subconciously recruited a bunch of ragtag goofballs who had similar mental illnesses to him, out of a repressed desire for companionship...* ALSO I LIKE HOW I CAN THINK WAY TOO MUCH INTO THE HEADCANONS OF THIS TEAM, OK LOL* Oh and I REALLY REALLY like how the vast majority of the grunts are 100% good guys. Everyone thinks their boss is gonna save the world, and everything is justified in the name of that. And a lot of them are such softhearted goofballs! They were one of the earliest teams to have so much absolute comedy to them, and a sense of being a big ‘ol family. They’re like the beta of what also made me love Team Skull a lot!* An important point to consider: Team Skull does not have an Official Evil HQ Nap Room. Thus they can never truly win.* ALSO CONSIDER: seriously, this big grumpy emotionally-repressed evil bossman ranting about how friendship is futile, as he draws up the plans for the official evil HQ nap room. And the tv room. And the family kitchen. And the glow in the dark star pattern wallpaper. And then hugs his crobat.* I unironically love the turquoise bowl cuts and wanted forever to dye my hair and now my hair is not exactly that colour of turquoise but its blue at least. LIFE GOALS ACHIEVED!

ABOUT THE COMMANDERS:

* I love them much!! I think i’m in the minority here, but i liked them even more than cyrus! This gen was also the first gen that had such heavy personality writing for the admins. Gen 3 introduced admins with names, but the aqua and magma ones had the same dialogue just with a few words swapped here and there. My only complaint is that the commanders didnt get as much screentime as they could have, the games hadnt hit that era yet. I hope if we get remakes their roles can be expanded as much as tbe gen 3 admins were!* Another unpopular opinion: grumpy grandpa is best. I will sit here in the tiny charon fandom forever! And cry forever at the potential plotline of him once being childhood friends with a rotom before he turned evil. That whole journal is just WARM AND FUZZY FEELINGS and then it gets so sad when you think about where he ended up after like 50 years! Gramps, go back and hug your pokemon again, ok?* I think Jupiter is unfairly underrated, cos she’s a badass and a cool team mom! And I like to headcanon her as kinda buff and athletic so i was happy she was drawn that way in the pokespe manga. I feel like she’s the heavy hitter of the team in both pokemon and actual punches! While being hella elegant and full of sass! And also I like to imagine she loves poison type pokemon and treats them like pampered poodles, cos that is a cute mental image. I always thought it was funny that such a stylish lady has a giant fart skunk as her signature pokemon! The most fashionable fart skunk in all of sinnoh~* Mars is awesome and badass and cute and awesome and I LOVE that her pokespe personality aligned perfectly with my headcanons somehow?? I like her as a perpetually cheerful kinda-unhinged mad bomber type warrior that has everyone fleeing in fear. She’s adorable and tough and EVEN SCARIER cos her toughness is done in an adorable way! Like.. basically, harley quinn??? (But without the uncomfortable abusive boyfriend plot) I think personality-wise she’s the most engaging of the main commander trio, and she fits super well as the one who gets the most battles during the main game. She always feels like the face of team galactic to me, more than Cyrus even!* And saturn is just cool and cute and his personality might be a bit less developed in the games cos he only gets one battle scene, but he’s still awesome! Its just a shame that all the adaptations gave wildly different ideas of what his personality might be, and I can never decide which one I prefer. So I like to just imagine they’re all canon, and he can be a calm and collected serious dude with a secret grumpy goofball streak. I feel like thats better cos then he’s just as eccentric as the rest of the team and he can stand out just as much, yknow? Oh, and also I liked his design the most as a kid! He was the one I wished I could look like!

OK LOL IM SORRY I RAMBLED SO MUCH

[asdklgkgluck]

okay hi first rant post on this blog but i have a lot of feelings and emotions and stuff to just type out all over the place.

so first off, i really want to be drunk or high right now. i know how fucked that is and i know how stupid it is to want to be drunk or high to take away my feelings, but fuck i really can’t handle my life being like this sober. i’m so hurt and unmotivated and hateful and so many other negative things and the only thing that takes it away when i’m alone like this is being high or drunk. i looked for alcohol earlier but there isn’t any in sight anywhere which fucking sucks. i’m sure my mom has some in her room, but her and nicholas are asleep in there and i don’t feel like risking waking them up just to search for booze.

speaking of my mom, i really wish things between us could be different. i’ve always felt so slighted and robbed that i didn’t have a great childhood and even now with the whole “my mom is my best friend” culture, i just can’t relate even a little bit, and honestly it really upsets me that i can’t relate whatsoever and get told by so many people that i’m ungrateful. i don’t even know what to think about her. sometimes i can say that i think she’s doing her best, but i know she’s not. she’s very selfish and demanding. “i cosigned on your student loans, you owe me this and this and that” or i don’t? since you’re making me pay you back anyway? she feels as though we should be so subservient to her just because she had sex, her birth control failed, and she ultimately chose not to abort me or my brother and keep us rather than give us up for adoption. that’s another thing: she’s told me i don’t even know how many times that she wishes she would’ve gone through with aborting me. do you know how that makes someone feel? do you have any fucking idea what it feels like to be told by your actual mother that she wishes she would’ve never had you? and even knowing that her and my dad were going to give me up for adoption until my dad said no because he didn’t want to have a daughter out there somewhere that he didn’t know. if not for him, my life would be entirely different. i don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing. i don’t like looking back at things and wondering how they could be different because i can’t fix them, so what’s the point in thinking about the “what ifs”?

anyway i got off topic, but my mom. is so mean. she’s so emotionally abusive and manipulative but she’s so fucking ace at it that sometimes i have to sit back and wonder if i’m really positive she is or if i’m just wrong and reading into it. she is. i blocked out most of my childhood, so i can’t recall the things she used to do to my brother and i, but i remember it fucking me up. my grandma on my dad’s side likes to tell the story of the time when my mom went away to mexico for two weeks and when my grandma told my brother and i that she was coming to pick us up, i cried and hid. we retell it like it’s a funny story because if you just see it from a normal perspective, it’s just a silly kid wanting to stay at grandma’s. in reality, i hated being around my mom and former stepdad and felt extreme emotional distress knowing i had to go back to them. i also used to plan with that grandma how she could kidnap me from my mom’s house. i guess you can see those things as harmless kid shenanigans, but it was multiple things and repeated and i was in actual distress. and i guess that’s a common theme in my life with the adults in my life growing up writing off my distress and mental illness as just being a kid because what 6 year old is actually suicidal, yknow?

but my fucking mother. in comparison to her mom, she seems totally fine, but get her on her own and she’s just as bad in her own way. i do remember she and my ex stepdad used to make me cry and then laugh at me for being upset. she would come up to me when i would wear t shirts or shorts and pinch my fat and point out all my cellulite and flaws. we could just be sitting at a red light and she’d look over and narrow her eyes and go “you have a double chin and you’re not even trying to have one. you need to start doing chin exercises”. she wouldn’t let me go out or hang out with my friends until i was in my freshman year of high school unless she was able to call my friends’ parents and confirm every single last detail, and even then, she wouldn’t let me go half the time because she got a “bad vibe” and accused me of lying. her and my ex stepdad accused me of lying all the time, and i do have a problem with lying, but they would accuse me of lying even when i was telling the truth. they would LITERALLY MAKE ME FUCKING LIE TO THEM AND ACCEPT THAT AS “THE TRUTH” so what the fuck did they think was going to happen??? i got my first real life boyfriend and my mom accused me of trying to have sex and sleep around and i was literally 12?? i hadn’t even had my first real kiss yet and apparently “i want to go out on a date with my middle school boyfriend” is code for “i want to fuck even though i literally just started masturbating last week and haven’t even figured that out yet”. (speaking of, i probably should try and get off at some point tonight since i haven’t in like a week and before that, nearly a month and maybe i’ll placebo feel better? probs not)

but like even recently, every. single. fucking. decision. that i make is criticized. “you should get a second job” yeah with what car? and on top of the full time hours i’m already working at my first job? “if you would’ve gotten that second job i told you about, you’d be making so much money” yeah because i’d be working like 80 hours a week you fucking doorknob. it’s acceptable that i don’t hang out often with my friends (lol not really actually, i get told all the time to get out of the house because my brother is extroverted and social and i’m definitely not) but if i don’t see the guy i’m talking to (i don’t actually know what’s going on with that but i’ll get into that later) every single day, our relationship is trash and he’s abusive and a dickhead and i should be dating other people and finding some trashy clingy fuckhead to date instead who will send me a bunch of emojis and constantly drain my energy. fuck that.

the clothes i wear are all trash apparently. i dress like a slut. just so many horrible things every single goddamn day. but how can i possibly leave? i’m financially dependent on her. if i gtfo, i won’t have a place to live in my home state, i won’t be able to afford college, and i won’t have a phone plan or car insurance that doesn’t cost me a small fortune. if i cut my mom and her mom out of my life entirely like some people suggest, i lose my college education at the school i’m currently going to and enjoy going to, i become homeless, and i lose the benefits of a family phone and car insurance plan, respectively. as badly as i want to and as much as i think i would benefit from it, i cant right now. not to mention, i’d feel like such shit about myself for doing it because i know i’d be guilted by her for “betraying her” or some shit and so many people would tell me how horrible i am for cutting out my own mother. if i already get upset seeing people have happy and healthy family ties, how would i feel if i know i don’t have a mom to even try to reconcile with? it’s harder to cut out family members than some people like to pretend it is.

okay moving on to my friends. i would say i do have some friends. i categorize my friends in very specific and compartmentalized ways because that’s just what helps me draw boundaries and not get too attached to people who aren’t in the appropriate categories. i have acquaintances. acquaintances are people that i know of who also know of me on more friendly than neutral terms. they’re people i would recognize and say hi to if i saw them, maybe. (for my own reference if i get confused, think like david or bree or tegan) i have close acquaintances. close acquaintances are just one step above regular acquaintances. i can have little conversations with them here and there and maybe hang out once or twice, but i wouldn’t entrust them with anything real or beneath the surface about myself in any way, shape, or form. (think cara and kodiak and them) then i have friends. friends are people i enjoy spending some time with, but they’re not people i could have a deep conversation with. like i can hang out with them and have conversations with them but i would never go deep about my personal life, maybe just a little bit. (think lillie or carly). then i’ve got close friends who, as you can guess, are one step above friends. i seek them out and want to hang out with them more than everyone previously listen, for the most part. they’re the people i talk to the most and the people i hang out with the most. i feel more comfortable being honest and open with how i’m really feeling and my struggles (think jayden, carly, jessi, adrianne, skitch, maybe). then i’ve got the best friend tier. that’s the person i’m the most comfortable with. i can tell them absolutely anything without any fear of judgement and i trust them immensely. i don’t feel the need to talk to them all the time or hang out all the time even though i think about them and have them on my mind more than anyone else. that’s literally josh lmao i used to have a best friend, but she was an abusive snake so i cut her out and it was hard and it’s still hard when i see people praising her as if she’s never done anything wrong, but whatever.

the issue with all my friends except for josh is that they don’t understand how i work. i try to talk to my close friends about my issues and they make me feel worse about myself or my struggles. i try to talk to jayden and carly (who are supposed to be my best friends) about my relationship struggles with josh, and i get a “dump his ass, fuck his best friend, and then fuck your way through tinder you hot bitch” as a reply. that’s fucking stupid and self destructive and i’d hate myself absolutely as a result. it’s such an immature response i don’t even think i responded to it lmao or like when i came to them and was like “hey i’m very fragile right now and need support” and carly LITERALLY STARTED A FIGHT WITH ME and told me how i wasn’t doing enough and i wasn’t putting any effort into anything etc etc. my salt vault pals are great people to hang out with and joke with, but none of them do emotions or understand mental illness in the slightest. the best response i’ll get is a “boop” from thomas or an “eat some spaghetti and forgetti” from kellie. maybe if i was just normally sad, but yall come on now i’m clinically and severely depressed. i appreciate the effort, at the least, but lately they’ve all just ignored me when i’ve tried to reach out, so i just shouldn’t do that anymore.

literally the ONLY PERSON IN MY ENTIRE LIFE who is able to make me genuinely feel better is josh. i don’t know how he does it or how he manages to usually find that perfect balance between calling out my bullshit and comforting me, but 9/10 he can get the job done. he says he just talks logically, but he does it in a way that doesn’t get under my skin or belittle me. and god i don’t want to put all my baggage and problems on him no matter how often he offers or tells me to talk to him about anything and everything and although i know i’d be comfortable talking to him about it, i don’t want to scare him away or push him away or like hurt him or affect him in any way because of it. 

but like okay. i know how cheesy and stupid this sounds but my life is always better when he’s in it. before i met him, i was just kind of like existing in misery and i had accepted that i wasn’t going to get better or find actual love and that my closest chance would be to idolize celebrities. and yeah, okay, i did love alex. i could imagine a future with him and i could see us getting married and i cared and stuff (until he started treating me like shit and i fell out of love and realized i had been denying my feelings for josh for a year but WHATEVER), but it’s something entirely different with josh. i met him and even though we were just friends and i thought he was really funny and cute and had a big dorky crush on him, i started feeling myself become happier bit by bit and feeling more confident in myself the more i was around him. i’m sure it wasn’t the only reason, but when he told me he liked me too, it was probably top 5 moments of my life, not even gonna lie. i know how crazy and obsessive it sounds, but that first kiss i had with him i don’t think i can forget. it was the best kiss i’ve ever had and it’s burned into my memory. but i also don’t think i was too obsessive because when he said he loved me in his sleep that one time, i panicked because i wasn’t sure if i felt the same and saying it back wasn’t something i was ready for. i think that makes it more legit. and while when we officially dated things were far from perfect and actually quite shit for both of us, i think what happened was necessary for both of us to grow. i’m still hurting residually from it and he’s still hurting residually from it and i can’t forgive myself for hurting him like that, we’re both different and more understanding people now. he used to not be able to calm me down the way he can now. he used to just kind of feed into my panic and depressive and manic feelings by coming in too hard with calling me out or telling me to suck it up, and i only just got worse in those situations and they escalated into fights. i was mean to him, he was mean to me, and it didn’t work out for us then and there. what hurt me the most was that he fucked me and then stopped talking to me immediately after. i felt like actual garbage. i felt used and mistreated and dirty, and once he had officially left isaac’s and i realized he wasn’t going to talk to me again (despite telling me we could try again when i turned 18), i lost all hope and drive. i didn’t even want to just kill myself, i wanted to torture myself first. i drank all the time, i would skip as much school and class as i possibly could, i gave into my impulsive thoughts and actions, i cut myself all the time, i lashed out and was genuinely cruel and cold to people, i did a bunch of self destructive stuff... and i stalked josh’s social media. then i saw he got a girlfriend and i absolutely lost my shit. i tried to kill myself at least once a week and the days i didn’t try to, i was researching the most effective way to. even after they broke up or whatever (since he said they weren’t actually a couple and just went on a couple dates, so idk whatever i don’t care all that much) i just felt so lost. i applied to college because i wanted to see if getting far away would help me (sidenote: it didn’t on its own) as well as i just had this little gut feeling tugging at me that maybe if i faked it for four years of college and then at a job, i would make it. i think i tried to kill myself over 30 times my senior year of high school + the summer after. then josh fucking liked one of my art instagram pictures and i felt just like waves of confusion and hurt and so many things and it fucked me up again because i thought he was fucking with me.

then he reached out to me once i got out of the mental hospital (like i said, being away from home doesn’t fix the fact that i didn’t give a shit about my life and was indulging entirely in my mental illnesses without even caring to try and better them) and i slowly introduced him back into my life. we started talking again and picked up where we left off when things were good, talking and both obviously changed and matured but still changed and matured in a compatible way. when he fucking told me that he loved me when we were together, i cried. when he told me that he still loved me, i can’t even say what i felt because it was so many positive feelings all at once. i legitimately turned completely around overnight just talking to him ONE TIME. i can’t even tell you why. he even made it clear at that point that he didn’t think we could be in a relationship at that time, but even with that, i still immediately felt better and more in control.

and since we started regularly talking again, overall, i’ve gotten slowly, so much better. i’ve become much more confident and in tune with myself and my emotions. i’ve felt so loved and cared about and respected and appreciated more than i’ve ever felt in my entire life. he made me feel actual nothingness in the most tranquil and serene way when he said “i just want to see you grow as a person and be happy”. it was one of the best feelings of my entire life. in fact, the only times i faltered in this overall was when i was left doubting our relationship/friendship. 

look i know i can’t depend entirely on one person to be my rock, but it’s the only thing that’s ever worked for me. i’ve been to therapy for years, i’ve done medication for years, i’ve tried exercise, dieting, yoga, meditation, and nothing even comes close to helping me the way his presence in my life helps me. i don’t know if i’m being too overwhelming for him and if i am, god i want him to tell me. i don’t ever want to hurt him or stress him out or anything like that. and like honestly, just look at where i was two summers ago compared to now. two summers ago, he didnt text me for a day and i lost my shit. i could only handle three days before i broke. now, i went a year without speaking to him at all and now i can go a week or two without talking to him as long as i see he’s okay and alive. he’s the closest thing to a best friend i have and fuck i really do love him so much. and honestly, everyone gives me so much shit for our “relationship”, but i don’t want anyone else. like duh i’m still attracted to other people and i will always be thirsty for dan howell, but realistically, i don’t want anyone else. the thought of trying to be in a relationship with someone else makes me uncomfortable. i’ve mentioned this before but i did have sex with someone else and although it wasn’t something i really 100% wanted, it opened my eyes because even though it was with someone i am attracted to and have really wanted to have sex with in the past, it was just okay. like all sex is alright, but it wasn’t very far above the bar. the whole time i just wanted to be with josh for a multitude of reasons, including that the sex we have is honestly so fucking bomb every single time. i’ve had the best sex i’ve ever had with him and he’s the only guy that i’ve ever been with who has made it a conscious effort to try and get me to cum despite me being extremely difficult in that way. and he did it once like fuck man you go.

okay anyway that got off topic and although i recognize i still have a lot of work to do, my end goal if i get the chance to continue to be in his life and maybe wonderfully finally be in an official relationship like i’ve wanted for nearly a year at this point (solidly and unwavering, anyway) is to grow so much and gain so much confidence that i have that baseline of love and support that i’ve lacked my whole life to finally have a chance at getting better and being able to hold myself up mostly or completely instead of needing someone else to be there for me not to collapse into oblivion or in on myself. 

but here’s where the overwhelming fear and pain i’ve felt lately is coming from. i’m so afraid he’s leaving me again. i absolutely can’t handle going through the worst point in my life all over again. i understand that he’s got a lot going on, and i’m more than willing to give him his space, and maybe i’m just overthinking or giving into my anxiety and paranoia and intense fear of abandonment... but when he’s posting on social media and liking things like he’s totally fine or especially replying to other people and not reaching out to talk to me, it makes me feel like i mean nothing to him anymore. i know i need to have trust but i’m still hurting from the last time he left me and the only thing that eases that pain is when i feel more secure and can actually talk to him. and i recognize that he’s very kind to me when we’ve spoken and it seemed almost like when i first reached out to him that he wanted to keep talking to me, but the last time it seemed more like he was just trying to be polite. once again, maybe i’m reading into it but i’m so so so afraid of losing him again. not even so much so afraid of losing my chance at happiness but losing this amazing human being and not being able to watch him grow and really love himself is something i absolutely don’t want. and maybe i’ve just been really stupid hoping for a relationship after he’s said time and time again that he doesn’t want one, but i really think that he’s just struggling with some stuff and he’s afraid of being in a relationship and getting hurt again, but i won’t push. i’m more than content loving him and supporting him as just a friend from him perspective or whatever. i just really don’t want to lose him.