#just need to learn how to make patterns...

[morallygreychaoticneutral]

Astarion doesn't ask for affection because he can't..... yet.

Ah, more tea steeping in this seeming endless sea of thoughts. This brew is a bit strong on the heart. Read with caution.

Warning for game spoilers and talk of abuse.

This perspective is from game content only. How anybody cannons their relationships or behaviors is perfectly right. No blame, no shame, it's your game.

I was always miffed at the lack of initiated affection from Astarion as a partner. YOU ask him for a kiss. YOU ask him for a hug. YOU ask him to tell you thank you after being an amazing partner and killing a massive beastie just for him! Brat...

But then I had a sudden realization. Given his past, affection is probably insanely hard to ask for. Like it can be for a lot of us.

Stay awhile and listen. (nerd)

Now when I speak of narcissistic abuse I am only speaking from what I know about it. I have no academic or phycology degree on the matter. Just good ol' tossed in the pond and forced to sink or swim experience.

Astarion spent 200 years under the crushing weight of narcissistic / psychopathic abuse. One of the things these types of abusers love to do is take what you love and make you hate it and then make you hate yourself for ever having liked it to begin with. All very nasty business that. But it's one of the main corner stones for the cage they build to control you.

They make you feel as if the request of a simple hug is the most pathetic thing you could ask for. Or the most selfish thing as it inconveniences them. They don't want it, why should they give it to you?

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue..

200 years with a master who used him like a tool. 200 years with siblings that fought amongst each other so much comfort was a liability. Nights coming home assaulted only to be mocked for your tears. Insulted for your need of comfort.

"Pathetic! Weak! Disgusting! "

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue..

Affection was nowhere to be found there, I assure you.

And for a Narc. anything given is expected to be "earned" in any way they see fit. And if you were "rewarded" with anything, it comes at high price.

And how dare you not find it fair. You ingrate!

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue..

Hugs are pathetic. Kisses are an intrusion. Or they become gateways to other unwanted behaviors. To be held...what are you? A baby? The only way you are going to get held, is down.

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue.. The pattern continues.

But you ask HIM for a kiss. And he says..

"There is nothing I'd like more."

And he means it.

I'd bet a mountain of gold he wants to just ask you himself. But years of conditioning to expect pain when seeking pleasure probably keeps him in a choke hold. Like rats that are shocked every time they try to eat food out of a dish. They learn it is safer to starve.

"I want to ask Tav for a kiss or a hug, but they might think i'm weak. But if they ask me first then it's them who wants it and they can't degrade me for it because they asked, not me. It's safe then."

"I want to ask Tav for a kiss or hug, but they might reject me for being too needy and shame and berate me for being so selfish or demanding of their time and person. But if they ask they have time and want me to kiss/hug them."

"I want to ask Tav for a kiss or a hug, but my primal brain keeps telling me they might demand more than I want to give in return for it. But if they ask, I have the power of negotiating the outcome."

This leads me to believe he would view sex and affection very differently as well.

Where most find affection safe and nurturing, it's anxiety educing and unsafe. It means there are feelings and if there are feelings there is the risk and fear of rejection or judgment. It's much scarier.

Where most find sex to be connecting and intimate, it's been used so much it's lost any meaning. Something you can do a thousand times over and walk away the second it's done and feel nothing afterward.

This may even be a part of the reason why he wants to stop having sex.

He wants to connect with you in ways denied to him. He wants the experience of being courted, treasured, nurtured. It means so much more to him than sex. It is so much more connecting.

Feeling this way is wretched and lonely. The most basic instinct is to want to seek comfort in the arms of those who love us. But it's broken. The risk is too great.

And it's hard. Because you could be the sweetest most honorable Tav in the whole of Fearun. But after being fed poised apples one too many times, all apples appear poisonous regardless of if is true or not.

I have no doubt that this prickly elf soaks up every second of non sexual affection you give him. And truly is grateful for your patience while he slowly and carefully disarms the safety measures he put in place to survive. The fact that he even allowed you to touch him like that at all was a monumental act of trust. And why not? You are incredible after all.

I'm going to go ask my elf for a kiss now. And then cry in my cup.

[luimagines]

Elden Pampering

Another commission!

@daeyumi asked for BotW Link and some one on one time with Reader as partners where they just take an easy day. Enjoy.

Masterlist

Content under the cut!

It was hard to think of a time where your life wasn’t this way. The time where your life was simple and plain, but undeniably safe and predictable. You and many of your friends and family had grown up that way so it was hard to think of doing something that would break the mold. You had thought you were content with that way of life.

There wasn’t anything wrong with it. There were times where you missed the simple comforts but it wasn’t until you met him that you felt like you were truly living.

Link had come into your village as if hell itself was on his heels. He had bought every carrot and arrow from your shop, collected nearly every piece of clothing that it offered and had left as if making the one of the biggest purchases you had ever seen was a regular occurrence.

He came by at least once a month to buy out your stock and you were beginning to wonder just who was this guy to not only have the money to keep dumping it all on your tiny homestead but to also do it multiple times.

This was a repeating pattern. At some point your neighbors started to ask you if you could keep the shop open a bit longer so they could get their needed equipment and/or food before Link came the next day to buy you out. You ended up agreeing since... well… You couldn’t deny them, for one. And two, the need outweighed the consequence.

You balanced it out by allowing yourself to sleep in the next day and figured that everyone was winning at the end of the day.

At some point you began to get excited when Link would visit. He would also come back to sell you the strangest of items with even wilder stories of how he came across such an object. He enthralled you. You found yourself wanting to see what he did. You found yourself wanting adventure... wanting something new, wanting to just… be near the crazy man that you couldn’t get out of your head.

You’re not entirely sure what started your relationship.

One minute you’re gently scolding him for not leaving any milk for anyone else (again) and the next you’re swept up onto the counter where you both confess that the meetings in your shop had taken on a more intimate tone than either of you were willing to admit before. He kissed you and swept you away from your village into the life you have now.

You had seen the world with fresh new eyes. Each new little marvel had taken your breath away. Was this truly the place in which you lived? Were there truly such treasures around every corner? Hidden in every nook and cranny?

Was this how Link saw Hyrule?

Of course, there are always shadows even on a sunny day.

You had to learn how to fight and how to use a weapon. And without a moment to lose. Link hadn’t held back from warning about the dangers you could potentially face out in the open. The monsters he mentioned had always seemed much more fearsome in your own head. IT wasn’t until you actually had to fight them yourself did you finally understand what he had been trying to prepare you for.

You… took a beating.

Link smiled sadly as he patched you up and apologized for not getting there on time. His touch was tender and soft. The calluses on his hands were a shock to your frazzled senses. A reminder that he had been on this journey far longer than you have and has gained the experience you needed to make it out in the middle of nowhere.

You took a deep breath and let him fret over you until you were fully healed. With time, you became more proficient in the way of the blade, and with even more time, you had branched out to other weapons, almost matching Link in the arsenal at his disposal.

Never to his skill set, mind you. It had taken an embarrassingly long time to figure out that this was the very same Link that had helped purge the land of the malice and free Hyrule Castle from the ever present curse.

He laughed at you when you finally put the pieces together. (But he later admitted that it only confirmed that your feelings for him were genuine, at least. He was glad that you didn’t see him for his title or his victories. You told him it was hard to think of him as the hero after you’ve seen him eat rocks.) He didn’t laugh for long at least.

The days were long and sometimes muscles you didn’t know you had were screaming at you from the treatment you pummeled into yourself just to keep up with Link. Other days though were spent cloud watching, meeting new and old friends, playing in the rivers and lakes of Hyrule, eating good food until you felt as if you could burst and simply enjoying every breath that filled your lungs.

You had taken to keeping a notebook, filled with countless drawings and doodles of your time together. It was filled with breathtaking scenery and jaw dropping creatures that you couldn’t wait to share with your family when you saw them again. You hoped it would be soon. You’re going to need a new notebook soon.

One day, after a particularly bad tumble down the side of a mountain from an unforeseen talus battle, Link had decided to venture through the Elden Region once more. He claimed that it was going to be an easy day.

Your legs protested otherwise.

“Link.” You groaned, wanting to be melodramatic and doted on by your partner. “We’ve been walking for hours. Can’t we take a break yet? You said it was going to be an easy day today.”

“I know, I know.” Link gives you a soft and patient smile. Not only is Elden hot enough to cook you alive but the sun itself is particularly unforgiving today. You have no idea where he’s going with this. Link takes your hand and pulls you to his side, helping you descend a small hill before taking another turn. “We’re almost there, I promise. Have I ever broken a promise to you?”

“Yes.” You grumble, trying to bite back a teasing grin. “Remember the fireflies and the pumpkin soup-”

“That was one time and an unfair circumstance.” Link huff, pouting. “You know those cuccos can be vindictive creatures when they want to be.”

You let a small snort slip from your otherwise deadpan expression. “Mhm… I’m sure you deserved it.”

“Mean.” Link chuckles and shakes his head. “Here I am, trying to do something nice for the light of my life and this is the thanks I get.”

“Don’t be corny.” You playfully push him, reaching your destination in the middle of your next sentence. “I was just saying- …. Oh, Link.”

The young man next to you grins. “You like it? You mentioned wanting to visit them one day.”

He had taken you to the hot springs and somehow had already set up a small picnic with the basket and blanket by the water. How it’s not already being set ablaze, you don’t know. But the idea of relaxing in the hot spring is too tempting for you to bother questioning it right now.

“I needed this.” You drop your equipment at once. “Thank you. I was so confused why we were in Elden to begin with.”

“I would question that.” Link chuckles, also taking off his armor and equipment. “But it really only worked in my favor so by all means jump in. We don’t have to do anything else today, so we can be here as long as you want.”

“Perfect.” You grinned.

It takes a moment, but eventually you both settle yourselves into the borderline boiling water. You let out a soft hiss and tilt your head back, allowing yourself to float onto your back in one of the bigger pools of water. It does wonders for your aching body and you can only question why neither of you have had this idea sooner.

Link sits somewhere next to you, fiddling with the basket, doing who knows what. After an approximate ten minutes, you sit up and knock the water out of your ears. You can see that Link was setting up some tea and cooking your lunch on a nearby (hopefully cleaned) stone.

You give him a flat look. “I thought we were supposed to be relaxing.”

“You’re relaxing.” He replied, not even looking at you. He pokes a bit at the steeping leaves in the teapot. “That’s what we’re here for.”

You let out a soft sigh and move over to him. You take his hand, stopping it in its tracks and pull him back closer to you. “Not you?”

Link gulps softly, watching your hand lead him back over to you. You see his eyes dip down for a split second, as if he’s finally looking at (and admiring) you since you’ve got there. “...I’m fine.”

“Uh-huh.” You chuckle. You reach over, taking a strand of his hair now that he’s let it down. A leaf gets caught and you gently pull it out. “Even so, I want your attention. Please?”

His eyes darted over to the food and the tea he was preparing but you couldn’t care less for that. You float over, blocking his view. “Link~”

“Ok, ok-” He shakes his head and brushes his hair away from his face. “You got me. What do you want me to do?”

“Sit.” You guide him in front of you, getting out of the spring so that you can sit on the small ledge.

“What are you-”

“Shush.” You put him between your legs, gently carding your fingers through his hair. “Let me know if it hurts at any point, ok?”

“....mhm…” He seems confused and a bit nervous but he trusts you enough to let you go through with whatever you have in mind for him without question.

It makes you smile.

Dipping down, you cup a bit of the hot water and very slowly pour it from hand to hand, letting it drip onto the top of his head without burning him. You do it again and again, running your nails over his scalp to work the water down and wet his hair.

You can almost see Link physically let go of the strain he’s also been through. He melts at your touch, leaning back and letting his body sink as deep into the water as it can get in the shallow section of the hot spring. His head tilts back like a pleased cat, humming his contentment as you scratch your nails against his scalp.

It makes you giggle. “Feel good?”

“Yes.” He says breathlessly, as if he’s afraid to speak at full volume and ruin the moment. “It feels perfect.”

His words bring out another giggle in you. You continue to give him a scalp massage before moving down to his neck and shoulders. You have to repeat the same pouring technique you used earlier to make sure that you don’t drag on his skin in the process.

In doing so, you shamelessly take the time to admire and appreciate how well toned his muscles are. You don’t think he minds in the process.  “Did you honestly think that you would successfully be able to make this all about me?”

Link grunts, not bothering to open his eyes. “You can’t blame me for trying.”

“I suppose not.” You say softly, kneading the knots between his shoulder blades. “But don’t forget that you work just as hard as I do, if not more. You can afford to take a moment for yourself every now and then.”

He huffs and tilts his head further back, giving you a boyish grin with flushed cheeks. “What do you call this then?”

“This is called~” You tease, leaning closer to him in the process. You grin and tilt your head, faintly brushing your nose against his. “-pampering you the way you deserve.”

“You’re good to me.”

“I try to be.” You laugh and lean away, continuing to knead into his shoulders. “Move your head up a bit so I can reach this spot.”

“Nuh-uh. Don’t wanna~”

“Liinnkkk.” You groan and flick his forehead.

“Ow.”

“Please?”

“Not now. You hurt me.”

“Oh my goodness-!” You huff and playfully pout over his stubbornness. You lean back, putting your hand on the warmth of the blanket behind you. You finally turn around back to where the tea and snacks lay abandoned. You notice a new box that Link must have taken out of the basket while you had your eyes closed. You twist your hips and lean further back to reach.

Surprisingly, it’s cold.

You open it, revealing that the insides are encased in ice. The ice blocks have to at least be two inches thick, leaving very little room for the items in the middle. You pull the box closer to get a better look inside.

It’s grapes.

You gasp, a bright smile on your face blooming at the sight of them. You get an idea, plucking one from the stem. You twist back over, running your free hand through Link’s hair once more. He kept his head tilted back, resting it against your lap with his eyes closed. You tap his lips with unrestrained glee. “Open.”

He opens his eyes. Confusion filters through them before he registers the grape you hold between your fingers. He gets a matching grin to mirror yours and opens his mouth.

You feed him the grape.

He chews and swallows, opening his mouth for more. Vaguely, it reminds you of a baby bird.

Twisting once more, you grab a handful of grapes this time, feeding your partner one by one until you have no more. You keep running your hand through his hair, smiling all the while. “Does that make up for ‘hurting’ you Mr. Link?”

Link gets a cheeky grin, the kind that spells trouble. “Not quite.”

You pout. “Oh come on!”

He snorts, dissolving into boyishly unapologetic giggles. “Come back into the water. We came here for you after all.”

“We came here for us.” You amend, pushing him aside so that you can slip beside him. “Considering I didn’t know we were coming here to begin with.”

Link doesn’t hesitate to hop up from the water for a moment and bring the ice box closer to the both of you so that you can both reach the ice cold grapes. He holds one out to you, playfully holding it out of your reach when you try to take it from him.

Not wanting to ruin the moment, you sigh and open your mouth. Link feeds you the grape this time. He chuckles again, getting another grape to feed you with. “Don’t think you can turn this all around on me that quickly. I had a whole thing planned out.”

“Did you intend it to take the entire morning to get here first?” You tease, snuggling close to him as the hot spring’s heat seeps into the depth of your bones.

Link wraps his arm around your shoulders, bringing you even closer to him. He begins to run his hands through your hair, not dissimilar to how you were doing it earlier to him. “...So we’re a little behind schedule.”

“There’s a schedule?”

“I told you, I had a whole thing planned.” He says sheepishly. “Is it wrong of me to want to spoil you every now and then? I’m aware my lifestyle and travels aren’t exactly the easiest to deal with. Not to mention that I know that I tend to drag you around from place to place with little warning… like this morning. And yet, despite the danger and troubles you rarely complain and even encourage my shenanigans.”

“I happen to like your shenanigans.” You rest your head on his shoulder, letting him feed you one more grape. “And I like the change of pace. There’s just… always something to do with you. It’s fun. Although I do happen to think that I complain a lot more than I’m willing to admit.”

“That’s because you’re still new at this.” He laughs and kisses your temple. “Just give it a few more months and you’ll be able to hold up on your own just fine.”

“I don’t know~... I might still complain just for the heck of it.”

“You’re not going to let me just tell you nice things, huh? Gotta always have the last word.” Link pokes your waist mercilessly.

You jump, squawking indignantly. You smack his chest and attempt to squirm away. He doesn’t let you. If anything, he starts to poke you more and more, watching his sadistic glee as laughter tumbles from your lips. The water goes flying as you flail.

“Link! Let go! It tickles!” You try to push him away.”

“No, I don’t think I will.”

“Link!”

“Say it.”

“Say what?!” You try to grab his hands to stop him from tickling you anymore.

Link shrugs, as if he wasn’t attacking you as you spoke. “Say you love me.”

“That’s it?!”

He pokes some more despite your best efforts to get him to stop. “I’m not hearing it.”

“Ok, ok, ok!” You squeal. “I love you! Happy? I love you, I said it!”

He finally stops, allowing you to catch your breath. He pops one last grape into his mouth as he gives you a victory smile. Silence falls over you both as you begin to catch your breath. He brings you back to his side where you both relax into the water once more.

Link absentmindedly rubs his thumb over your shoulder before he turns his head back to where the basket was. “Tea? It’s warm.”

“Yes, please. Thank you.”

[sanjisluvbot]

As Above So below

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Synopsis: You had your entire life just beginning, fresh into college, and as a treat, you were going on a trip across the world where you find out what your father truly does for work and why you were able to move into a nice new home. A normal young girl thrust into a world where she needed to relearn everything she ever knew and escape the clutches of an assassin clan who wanted her as a wife.

The next few days following your run-in with Raian in his hotel room left you uneasy. As time flew by in a blur, you tried your best to stay in your hotel room with your mother. Making eye contact with your mother every time she needed to go somewhere made you feel like a dog waiting to be adopted in the pound.

The island, with its golden sands and crystal-clear waters, now felt suffocating, like an elaborate cage designed for your entrapment. Your mother, despite all the stress and her growing suspicions about your father’s involvement in this web of chaos, kept her usual facade of politeness up, not fully understanding the danger you were in. 

But you knew. You felt it in every look Raian gave you, in every near encounter you had when you tried to escape him. He never gave up. Even when you were alone, you felt his presence looming in the background. It was a constant asphyxiating reminder that you couldn’t hide, not for long that is. 

It was late evening when the inevitable happened. You were walking to the lobby, trying to sneak away to the beach for some brief solace, when you turned a corner and found yourself face-to-face with Raian. The hallway was empty, but you could feel the weight of his stare like he had been waiting for this moment. He was dressed in all black once again, his presence imposing, his gaze dark and intense. "Where do you think you're going?" His voice was low, almost a growl as if he was daring you to lie.

You froze, panic rising in your chest. Every fiber of your being screamed at you to run, to get away from him. But you knew that wouldn’t work. He’d just chase you down again. So, you stood your ground, defiant yet trembling on the inside.

"I'm going for a walk," you muttered, but it sounded weak even to your own ears.

Raian stepped closer, his height towering over you. He seemed almost unfazed by your resistance as if he already knew how this would end.

"I think you're missing the point, wife," he said, his lips curling into a faint, dangerous smile. "You belong to me now, and no matter where you go, I'll always find you." His voice softened for a moment as if savoring the words. "I told you, you can't escape me. You're mine."

You took a step back, eyes wide with fear, but there was nowhere to retreat. He was blocking the exit.

“I’m not your wife,” you snapped, your words biting despite the knot in your throat. “And I’m not yours to claim.”

Raian's grin only grew wider, more predatory. “You’ll learn soon enough.”

Before you could react, he grabbed your wrist, his grip hard enough to bruise. “We’re going back to the room,” he insisted, his voice a growl as if the conversation was over. He didn’t give you a chance to protest, dragging you toward the elevator with the ease of someone accustomed to getting his way.

"Raian, please," you pleaded, your voice trembling. "Don't do this."

You wanted to slap yourself silly, you had never in life been a woman who backed down—especially when it came to men, no matter how big, how strong, and how much they tried to mold you into being this docile little thing they get to control. You struggled in his grip, reaching out and grasping the walls and anything in your vicinity. He laughed at you when you slipped, almost colliding face-first with the shiny patterned flooring. In the last moment, he yanked you by your already bruised wrist into his chest.

“ See wife, you need me.” 

The moment you stepped foot inside the room, he slammed the door behind you, locking it with a click that made your heart race.

“Sit down,” Raian commanded, his tone a stark contrast to the softness he’d shown earlier when he’d dried your hair. He was done playing nice.

“I’m not going to stay here,” you said, defiance creeping into your voice. “I’ll leave if I have to.”

Raian’s eyes darkened further, his jaw tightening. “You’re not fucking going anywhere.” His words were simple, yet they carried the weight of an unspoken threat.

Before you could react, the door to the suite opened, and a voice you recognized—though barely—cut through the tension.

"Raian."

Your breath caught in your throat. The man who stepped into the room was an older version of Raian, his posture commanding, his eyes sharp with authority. The resemblance between the two was undeniable, but this man exuded something darker, something more terrifying. The way he surveyed you, his gaze not just critical but calculating, sent a chill down your spine.

The older man was calm, his presence heavy with the kind of power that made the room feel small and it slowly crept into your chest to smother you. 

"Grandfather," Raian murmured, his voice taking on a more respectful tone than you’d ever heard him use. 

The old man’s gaze flickered briefly to you, taking in your shaking form, before turning back to his grandson. "Are you sure about this?" he asked, his voice smooth but laced with an edge. "She doesn’t seem to be cooperating and her mother is even more of a hassle, I plan to speak to her father in the morning.”

Raian didn’t answer immediately. Instead, his eyes lingered on you, possessive and unwavering. "She’s stubborn," he said, "but she’ll come around."

The grandfather’s gaze remained cold as he stepped further into the room. "You know what I want, Raian. This family is counting on you to make this work. I don't care how you do it. But you will make her yours. One way or another."

The words hung in the air, suffocating you.

"You understand, don’t you?" The grandfather's eyes narrowed. "If you fail, this family will suffer. “We have spent centuries to create you Raian and your offspring will surpass anything we’ve ever seen, this ordeal needs to be settled before the Kengan tournament is over."

Raian’s expression darkened, his hand clenching at his side. “I’ll handle it,” he said through gritted teeth.

"You better," his grandfather replied, voice firm. "We don’t accept mistakes."

As the old man turned to leave, he glanced back at you with an unsettling look of satisfaction. "We wouldn’t want any unfortunate incidents with our new extended family, granddaughter. Don't make me come back here to remind you."

Raian’s jaw clenched as the door shut behind his grandfather. The weight of his words lingered like a shadow of a demon in the room, and you realized just how trapped you were.

Raian’s hand gripped your arm once more, this time with less gentleness. "You heard him," he said, his voice low, almost a whisper. "You're mine. And you will learn to accept it."

You tried to pull away, tears brimming in your eyes but his grip tightened. "I will never accept this," you spat, your words heavy with defiance.

Raian’s eyes flickered with something darker, something obsessive. "You will," he said with certainty. "You’ll learn, sooner or later."

And as he led you to the bed, every part of you screamed for freedom. But you knew it wasn’t coming. Not yet. He threw you on the bed and before he could fully loom over you, you kicked him right where the sun doesn’t shine with all the strength you could muster. He choked and fell over clutching his pants, you took this sliver of a chance and raced to the door jerking it open. 

You never once looked back as you ran, tears freely falling, and more bruises to appear in the morning when you collided with the walls. When you finally made it back to your hotel room your mother was waiting impatiently with the phone in her hand. She saw your face riddled with fear and immediately knew you had another run-in with Raian. 

In her arms, you cried. Everything that was supposed to be amazing and beautifully filled with memories on this trip turned into something out of a nightmare on Elm Street and Raian was playing Freddy. Having your father betray and sell you off for money had been fully realized at this moment and it felt like your heart was being torn in half. You had always thought that by this age you would meet a nice guy and he would romance you like you met once upon a dream. Everything you knew meant nothing in the face of the Kure clan, you were their new prey, and they planned to do everything to make you bend and mold to their will. When you finally calmed down and changed out of your clothing your mother told you about her most recent phone call that led to a small lunch she had today. 

“ Today I had lunch with the CEO of Nogi group, I had called up every contact I had that I believed could help me and after a lot of awkward ‘no’s’ I was given the contact of Mr.Hideki. We met more lunch in the lounge at a private table,” 

you nodded, trying to process everything she was saying as you picked at the edges of your shirt, the remnants of your earlier panic still coursing through you. You were safe for the moment, but you couldn't escape the feeling that you were walking a tightrope, with Raian and his family waiting on either side.

"So, Mr. Hideki," your mother continued, after a brief pause. "He’s not a man to be trusted easily, but he has connections. More importantly, he has leverage. It’s why the Kure clan hasn’t been able to touch him directly, at least not yet."

You frowned, still not quite understanding. "But why would he help us? What does he get out of this?"

Your mother sighed, glancing down at her hands. "When we met, he didn’t want to talk openly. There were too many eyes around, so we communicated through notes, in code. It was a way to make sure we weren’t being listened to."

You raised an eyebrow. "Code?"

"Yes," she said, a faint smile crossing her lips as she relived the memory. "Mr. Hideki is old school. He had a small notebook with him, a few sheets of paper, and a pen. At first, he didn’t speak. He just wrote something down and slid it across the table to me. A simple line: The walls have ears."

You blinked, uncertain. "The walls...?"

"Yes," she confirmed. "He meant there was a possibility of surveillance—someone watching us. And just like that, we were speaking in code. Each note after that, he’d write something down and I’d follow up with my response, using subtle phrases that we both understood. He wanted to make sure that even if someone was listening, they wouldn’t be able to piece things together."

Your mind raced, the picture of a clandestine meeting forming in your head. You could imagine your mother’s unease, the weight of being in a room full of danger, yet having no choice but to play the game. She looked exhausted, but there was an undeniable sense of determination in her eyes.

"He asked about your father. You know, the jackass who I thought was just a business man, working on all those high-profile contracts. And he made it clear he knew exactly what the Kure clan was doing. He told me that he could help us—get us out of here and make sure the Kure family couldn’t reach us again."

A lump formed in your throat. "How? How can he help us? I don’t understand."

Your mother leaned in, her voice dropping to a whisper, as though the walls might still be listening. "He said the Kure clan doesn’t just deal with assassination and criminal work. They have a network—an entire web of power and influence that stretches far beyond what we see. Mr. Hideki's connections run deep. He has allies who owe him favors, and he has people who would move heaven and earth to get their hands on the Kure clan's secrets."

She paused, making sure you were following, and you nodded silently, waiting for her to continue.

"He promised he could get us out. But not just in the way you’d think. If we disappear now, if we run away, they’ll send their best after us. Raian, especially... he’ll stop at nothing to make sure we stay. But if we let Mr. Hideki leverage the right people, if we make the Kure clan believe we’re gone for good… they’ll think they’ve lost. And that will be our window of escape."

You exhaled sharply. Your mind was spinning, processing this new possibility. You’d always dreamed of escaping, but you never imagined it would be like this—like slipping out of a spider’s web without it even realizing.

"Mr. Hideki wants us to disappear—completely," your mother continued, her voice tightening. "But it won’t be easy. The Kure clan is relentless, and if they find out what we’re planning, it’ll be over before we even start. He wants to be sure that no one can track us, not even Raian. He’s already made arrangements to get us somewhere no one will think to look."

"And what do we have to do?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.

"We need to trust him," your mother said, her eyes meeting yours. "We need to play along with his plan, be patient, and make sure we don’t give the Kure clan any more reason to suspect that we’re trying to escape. It’s going to be dangerous, but if we can get out of their sight long enough... then we can take our next step and leave all of this behind."

You felt your heart racing in your chest as you considered the weight of your mother’s words. It was a plan, a fragile one, but a plan nonetheless. And as uncertain as you were, you also knew that without it, you’d be trapped forever in the Kure clan's grip.

"And Raian?" you asked quietly. "What about him? What if he finds out?"

Your mother’s face hardened, the calm resolve returning to her features. "Raian is a complication we’ll have to deal with. But for now, we need to keep our distance, and we need to make sure he doesn’t suspect anything. Once we’re out of his reach, we’ll handle the rest."

You could see the exhaustion in her face, but there was something else there—an unmistakable resolve. You couldn’t deny it. Your mother was going to do whatever it took to protect you, even if it meant playing a dangerous game with people like Mr. Hideki.

It wasn’t going to be easy. In fact, it would likely be the hardest thing you’d ever do. But if there was even a chance—just a small chance—that you and your mother could escape the Kure clan, then it was a risk worth taking.

And so, together, you began to plan your escape. One careful step at a time.

🏷️: @ninacutebee16 @arans-princess-reblogs @imaginarydreams @black-girl-anime-lover (anyone else wishing to be tagged please lmk in the replies <3)

A/N: Well… do you perhaps want MORE ??? with that…😊 enjoy and comment pls !!!! quick edit: I hope everyone realizes just how funny Y/n and her mother are and are going to be throughout this story, this will be unlike many arranged marriage stories before especially having Raian as my lead.

[problemnyatic]

the biggest failure of tumblr's progressivism is that way too many of you engage with it as a way to Be A Good Person, as in to make the person you already are count as Morally Pure. To way, way too many of you, the language of social justice is far more a tool to puff up your petty personal squabbles with Moral Weight than it is a precise instrument by which one dissects the patterns of the world around them such that we may all better navigate our systems of oppression.

You will never be a good person. None of us will. It's not a thing that exists. When you take an action, it has consequences, and you can only control so many of those consequences. Your job isn't to be morally pure, or to hunt out as many hurtful actions in others as you can, but to learn how to move mindfully, accept your flaws, and adapt to new information or inconvenient revalations as painlessly as possible.

Stop throwing people away. That means yourself, too. A good world won't be achieved by creating a group of undesirables and throwing anyone who fails your purity test into that group. That's called jail. That's policing. You don't have to love everyone, but you need to separate your personal feelings from your political beliefs, and you need to act based on your political beliefs more than your personal feelings.

The core of it, of all of it, is that injustice is committed when someone has had their right to self-actualize stripped or inhibited by forces other human beings can control. When we talk over others, when we allow our societies to limit people's time, ability, liberty to live as they choose, when we tell people who they're allowed to be, allowed to love, what they're allowed to want, that is when injustice is committed. The only thing we as human beings should inhibit is intolerance, is others' freedom to inhibit each other in any other way than this.

You gotta learn how to be the bad guy. You gotta learn how to be wrong. You gotta learn how to feel your guilt, your fear, your hurt, your indignance, without taking it out on others. You gotta learn how to see everyone, everyone around you as complex individuals with valid, rich inner lives, as people, people who are just as present and real and whose feelings matter just as much as yours.

It's not about you. Learn to take an L. There are much more important things out there than being right or getting what you want. The world is big and scary and on fire but there's no shortcut for doing the work or understanding what's important to inernize. You have to try, and read, and look for answers yourself, and risk fucking up, and risk looking stupid, and say the wrong things, and keep trying anyways, because none of that's the end of the world.

Try to take more things in good faith. Try to ask "am i looking for a fight? Am I hunting for outrage? Is there a more charitable way to read this?" before dismissing everything you see that you don't like. Righteousness is your fucking enemy. When you use shorthand for big ideas, do it mindfully, judiciously.

Slow the fuck down. There's no shortcuts for this stuff. Be kind first and foremost. Be patient. Try to make less work for others, AND yourself; spend a little time to save others effort, ask for help if it would take you too much time.

I don't know. I wanted to make a more cohesive point. Just. Stop looking for a fight. Please. There's enough fighting already.

[pureshoney]

something shifts in his understanding the longer abel studies her face. he'd learned to navigate his world through violence and control since he was a young boy; he'd learned to swallow darkness young, learned to wear it like a second skin; she was trying to find her way through it with jokes. and while he can't find a way to put himself in her shoes because he doesn't get it, he's trying to understand that maybe the humor as a coping mechanism isn't naivety, but it's her way of trying to survive with her world suddenly being turned upside down. supposes it's her form of survival, just a different kind than his. "that's not-" he exhaled sharply, frustration showing again. "the men in my world don't just kill. they'll turn you into an example; they'll take their time. the postman isn't going to torture you for information. the politician isn't going to make sure you disappear so completely that even your dental records won't identify you. they'd make sure i found you in pieces." "i did get over it, don't try and psychoanalyze me. i dealt with it. processed it and moved past it," the muscle in his jaw jumped, and the set of his shoulders made it clear - push this topic further, and she'd find herself talking to a wall. "yes, sarah with the golden retriever is mine. has been for months," the admission comes reluctantly like each word was being dragged out of him. "she's former the special ops. the dog too." green hues never leave her face as she processes, can tell she's starting to see the depth of his involvement in her life, how far he'd gone to protect her while keeping her in the dark. how much he'd invested in her safety while pretending to keep his distance. something dangerous flicked across his features at the mention of giving her a gun - the idea of her needing one made his blood run cold. however, her grip on his hand anchored him, making it impossible to retreat behind his usual walls. able found himself tightening his hold instead of pulling away. "you don't understand what you're signing up for," voice softened, almost pleading. "i've spent almost everyday since i met you trying to keep these worlds separate to keep you safe. and now you're sitting here talking about guns and self-defense like it's that simple," homes thumb traced absent patterns on her hand, a gesture of affection that betrayed his weakening resolve. "i don't like the thought of you having to defend yourself, having to carry a weapon because of me."

she got the strong feeling that anything she said on the matter of his rather ugly and bald bodyguard was going to be picked apart by abel, but she stood by her statements -- the man was a dead ringer for pitbull. "there's room for anything if you make enough space", femme remarks, but ultimately decides to let the topic go. they had more important things to discuss than a man who could have killed her yet didn't. "abel, any man could kill me. you know that don't you? it doesn't matter if he's standing by that door or if he's a damn politician or post man." maybe if abel had thrown all of that at her the first time they spoke she might have run the other way, it was more than a little surprising to hear that his men had every single piece of information about her and her life. "for what purpose? i work from home and i figure skate in my spare time and you know that, so why bother sending people out to dig all of that up on me?" he was very clearly the more minacious of the pair, having someone follow and study her daily trip to the coffee shop seemed like a true waste of time. grazing her teeth across her bottom lip ainsley studies him, listening to his words and trying to taste the truth in them. "abel . . . nobody ever gets over that type of trauma, you might have been able to push past it and learn from it but it still happened." if he didn't want to deal with it or discuss it with her ainsley was okay with that, people coped with grief and personal issues in their own ways after all. but she strongly doubts that he just brushed himself off as a kid and moved on like it had never happened. "plus there's nothing wrong with trusting people, with knowing them and finding support in them — your dad made a bad choice and it cost him his life but isolating yourself can make that happen too, right?" people said it was better to live in ignorance but ainsley disagreed, if there were people aiming to harm her she wanted to know about it whether it was a comforting thought or otherwise. "the lady with the blonde hair? the one that talks to me about her dog? she's yours?" it shocks her to realise just how smoothly that person had integrated themselves into ainsley's life, how she'd seen that car and honestly thought nothing of it ; assumed it was a new neighbour or someone visiting family. why did abel go to all of that trouble? it definitely wasn't the right time, but ainsley felt herself wondering if he cares about her more than he feels comfortable voicing. "it's not on you though, abel. it's on me", redhead argues tenderly, refusing to let his hand go from hers. "i know you're used to being in charge, having all of this responsibility on your shoulders but i'm here, i'm here right now and i promise, i'll do everything i can to make sure i'm safe. you want me to take self defence classes? bring one of those . . . guns into my home or carry one with me? i'll do it, okay? but it's not all on you baby, it never was." after all, wasn't she capable of making her own decisions? knowing the truth and how much effort abel had gone to in ensuring she was safe the very last thing ainsley wants is to throw it away, to be yet another person he refuses to let in because of his past and his present. "i'm not going to walk away and now i know all of this about you i'm not going to let you push me away either."

[zerogutzz]

hello everynyan. I've been alive and well and thriving with my boyfriend who's been at My House :] but other than thag IM ATTEMPTING TO MAKE A COSTUME WITH MY BEAR HANDS.... I sewed the hood a little bit.

this shit HARD!!! but very fun

[puppyeared]

who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it

[actual-corpse]

Saw a YT vid with the title, "Fandom Can't Handle Asexuality"

You're right, they can't... Because it doesn't fucking exist to them.

[sesamenom]

anyone know if bookbinding glue works on canvas? im thinking i want to add a shield to my halloween costume next year and am trying to figure out how to attach the front

[thedreadvampy]

it's been a strange arc so far

when I was 19-21 and having an extremely imbalanced relationship with someone in their mid 30s I was like 'we are both adults so the fact that this is fucking me up is my fault'

when I hit my late 20s and saw how young people in their late teens and early 20s seem now I was like 'oh wait I was so fucking young I didn't know shit about my own limits or about managing relationships and I don't know why someone in their mid to late 30s would be into that except for nefarious purposes'

the weird bit is now I'm into my 30s - not even that far into my 30s - and while I still wholeheartedly believe that last thing about how young (and self destructive) 20 year olds are, I'm also kind of like 'huh, actually nobody I know that age has their shit remotely together and frankly the reason this fucked me up is because NEITHER of us knew what the fuck we were doing it how to cope, for different reasons and at different life stages, and there probably wasn't any malice or intent to control as much as there was Blind Flailing.'

[mejomonster]

I may post a bunch about authoritarian thinking later, and how to combat it, but some short important points for anyone: if you think like an authoritarian it means you tend to think in terms of black/white, tend to obey and believe people you consider your leaders and tend to view the world as your own in-group and then outgroups (which you may want dead/not care what happens to them/hate them), you struggle to think critically and empathize, and ignoring the many ways this authoritarian thinking hurts society at large and yourself - importantly, authoritarian thinking leaves you EXTREMELY vulnerable to con artists and cruel leaders because once someone gets into a leadership position in your in-group you tend to trust and obey them. Even if they hurt you, abuse you, lie to you. So a big reason to work on changing your own authoritarian thinking, is to HELP YOU PROTECT YOURSELF and IMPROVE your own safety and situation. You will be able to spot con artists and abusers easier, and protect yourself from them hurting you, if you work on changing your authoritarian thinking a bit. In addition, if you care about your in-group (the group of people you identify with) and your in-group views you as part of it (for example: you're in-group is a church and the church members value your partocipation), then you learning to think in more flexible ways will allow you to both save yourself from abusers AND convince your in-group to stop following an abusive leader and switch to a better one for the group. Win win.

Key ways you can work on your own tendencies toward authoritarian thinking: learn how to empathize with various people, learn how to think critically, and expose yourself to a variety of enviornments/viewpoints/experiences.

For empathy, easy ways to start include: get a pet and practice caring about that pet, read books and practice caring about a character, volunteer in a place outside your in-group (so if you go to church, volunteer at a school or library or theater or fair or daycare or soup kitchen) and practice appreciating the process of helping people outside the in-group. Getting a pet and reading can be some of the easiest initial things you can do. Trying to make new friends and acquaintances with people outside your in-group may also help: talking to a child, coworker, classmate, stramger at grocery store or fair, with respect (such as asking what their favorite toy or show is, why, practicing caring about what makes them happy, practicing interacting with people even when you don't immediately get some tangible thing from them), practice talking with people without arguing or starting a conflict (and if they argue first, it's okay to leave the conversation entirely, at least for a while just try practicing Not Fighting sometimes). Practice listening to people to get to know them (including people in your in-group you may not know well), and be curious about their experiences and the differences/similarity to you as all interesting and not necessarily bad or good (so if you went to public school and they went to private school, hold off on making a judgement about it and just be curious about what their experience was like). On a more surface level, if people like a different musician or actor than you, be curious about what they like and try to imagine why someone might appreciate what they do (you don't have to like that band too, but practice trying to understand why someone else likes it). Its the idea of "imagine you were in someone else's shoes," and having pets, reading about characters unlike you, and getting to know people and their unique experiences helps you practice doing that. Along with practicing holding off on judgement, especially on simple basic things to start: for example trying not to jump to black/white good bad thinking over what people in your group and outside it do... in terms of say what they eat, or the music they like, or their clothes. So if you tend to decide everyone who doesnt go to your church is evil, practice maybe viewing a person with the same religion as you but who goes to a different church as neutral and someone who maybe just never knew your church existed or was raised in a different city and so their life experience may simply have been different - but that doesnt automatically make them evil, just for being born in a different city and not knowing about your specific church existing yet.

To expose yourself to more experiences and people: again consider volunteering at an event outside of your in-group, start a new hobby and join a new discord or fandom group or in-person meet up, go to a new bar or coffee place or grocery store and have small talk, take a class in the community, go to fairs and community events, go to an event in a nearby but different community (like a fair in the next county, a concert, a play you'd like to see). Any new hobby or interest that allows you to meet new people and ask them about their experience with the hobby/interest will help, and you'll help them as you share your own experiences. Even just the act of exploring new possible interests will help you, as you will not have a judgement yet on what you like/dislike and will get to practice deciding what parts of the interest you enjoy and don't based on your experiences. So experience new things, and listen to other people's experiences while being open to letting yourself enjoy things others may dislike, and letting yourseld dislike things others may like. Practice listening to others without automatically assuming their opinion/experience is good/bad (or that there is a good/bad at all, preference for cheeze pizza versus pepperoni can just be two neutral choices which are both fine) or going to be the same for you (you may feel much differently than others and thats fine), practice trying new things where you're allowed to try multiple different ways without any way being particularly good/bad (this is to practice thinking in more varied ways: you're allowed to make 3 different cookie recipes and find each of them yummy and yet not perfect, you're allowed to dislike all 3 recipes but appreciate that your friend loves recipe 1 so you may make it for their birthday, you're allowed to fail the 3 recipes and need to try a few times, you're allowed to make them and decide you don't like making cookies after all and would rather try making a cake next). Trying sports teams may help, hobby clubs, board game tournaments, book clubs (where people have various opinions and you - like them - may have your own unique opinion all of which is fine, no opinion is mandatory or restricted).

To develop critical thinking skills: the two parts above will help somewhat with that. Just letting yourself experience new things, meet new people and hear about experiences different than your own, practicing wondering why someone likes something you may not, practicing liking something because YOU like it after experiencing it and not because someone told you to like it, will all help you figure out what you SPECIFICALLY think. And it will help you recognize that other people all think uniquely, may sometimes disagree, and that thinking differently can be okay. Those are some helpful initial steps to learn to think critically.

Critical thinking skills are important because it helps you figure out what is a fact and real, what is a person's opinion which may be right or wrong or only partly right or wrong or may be something you can't detetmine, how to check if a fact is something you can make decisions with or not explained well enough to rely on. Critical thinking is how you help yourself: if you are abused and your lover hits and punches you, and says "I love you and care about you," critical thinking will help you recognize the fact: you are being injured, help you recognize the actions your lover does of hurting you doesn't match their words that they love you, and helps you make a decision to help yourself - to leave the location where your lover is harming you over and over and go somewhere you are safer and not in danger. Critical thinking, even if you love being in an in-group and love following leadership, will allow you to notice when leaders and in-group members genuinely are helping the group, and when leaders or members are hurting the group. This can allow you to help the group and yourself by recognizing when the group has someone harming others and help you determine how to stop that harm. Even if you think very authoritarian and like that kind of structure in your life, critical thinking skills will help you and those you love.

You can start by figuring out how to make a decision on some basic thing. For example: prepare for the weather today in your city. Look up weather your-city in google, click some weather sites (to check collected data), go outside of your front door and physically feel the weather (data you collect yourself), text a friend who lives somewhere else and ask them what the weather is in your city - and ask them not to check the weather report (get an opinion), perhaps also ask your roommate what the weather is (an opinion from someone with the same ability to literally look outside the window and get their own data in person). From this experience you'll learn that data from a collected organization is probably fairly accurate but not perfect (maybe the weather site said 90% chance rain and when you went outside it was sprinkling but not pouring, and the clouds were dark), maybe your friend's opinion in another town was right or wrong (maybe they guessed and rain was a good guess for a cloudy November in your state) but they couldn't tell you how long until the weather would change, you went outside yourself and that was fairly reliable as you could literally feel the weather (but it cant help you decide if it will still be raining in 8 hours), maybe your roommate's weather judgement was better than the friend in another town but worse than your own judgement of going outside and feeling it. This is an experience to show you how useful facts are versus opinions. If you go outside and it rains on you, it is a fact that it is raining. If your friend in another city says they think the rain stopped, it's their opinion and they may be right Or wrong... you'll have to go outside to find out. The weather report site is somewhat right and can give you estimates of the next several hours of weather so that's helpful, but isn't giving you updates as specific as actually standing outside in the weather on your particular block. You can now see how facts and opinipns are useful, and when they are more or less reliable for making a decision to help yourself. (In this case to prepare to deal with the weathet outside).

Next you can practice critical thinking with less simple questions. You can try to decide "what is the best tires to get for my SUV" or "what coverup will be least likely to give me acne"? You'll look up on google these questions, and see company sites marketing their product and claiming theirs is best. You'll notice a company always says THEIR product is the best, and learn that a company may not give you facts as often as NON company sites that compare many products, or that a company will word facts in a way to imply something that isn't necessarily true. (For example: if a makeup clogs pores, it may not say it does that, it may just not use the word "non comedogenic"... but since you aren't seeing the word "non comdegenic" which means not-pore-clogging, that's a sign the makeup May actually clog pores). You will notice review sites, and reviewers with NO sponsors will tend to be more honest and share personal experience, while sponsored reviews may only mention positives. You will notice more fact based comparison sites, which will list ingredients and what each ingredient does, which will be facts to help you make a decision on which makeup is least likely to give you acne.

You may read articles on certain makeup ingredients and if they're a common allergen, which might explain why some makeup with some ingredients caused you acne before even though none of the ingredients were pore clogging. You are practicing comparing facts, and practicing deciding which sources are reliable or biased (biased sources try to convince you to buy something/believe something), what the bias is about (many articles want you to buy something even though you don't Truly need to buy everything), which reviewers gave biased opinions (if theyre sponsored they get money to convince you to buy something), which reviewers gave personal experiences (and are those experiences useful to you - did the reviewer have similar skin type and issues and allergies?). These are important skills! Learning to do this will help you spend money on things that are more likely to HELP you, to be what you want, and this skill will help you avoid scams and avoid being tricked.

Critical thinking gets much deeper than this, and applies to everything you run into in life - all news articles have biases (they want to convince you of something, there's facts AND opinions and attempts to convince you to do something), all ads are like this (every sponsored post on instagram is trying to convince you to believe and/or buy something), all influencers posts (their job is to convince you to buy products from companies paying the influencer, to get you to invest money in the influencer too - every podcaster/twitch streamer/youtuber/etc), books. All stuff you can find in the world is fact, opinion, some mixture, someone trying to convince you of something, and you using your own experiences to get your own facts (example: its raining on your face when you go outside so fact: its raining) and to decide your own opinions (opinion might be: you like feeling the rain, so you choose not to bring an umbrella, but your lover hates rain so they choose to bring an umbrella for themselves). You use all that information to decide what is fact, what is others opinion and are they trying to convince you of something, what your opinion is, and what to do that will help you.

Here's more information on developing critical thinking skills:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/bernardmarr/2022/08/05/13-easy-steps-to-improve-your-critical-thinking-skills/ (this has good basic tips for things you can do daily)

https://www.criticalthinking.org/pages/critical-thinking-where-to-begin/796 (a big website on critical thinking)

https://www.monash.edu/student-academic-success/enhance-your-thinking/critical-thinking/what-is-critical-thinking (this has good step by step instructions on how to start to think critically and practice in depth)

[felucians]

With the news coming out on Wilbur Soot, a lot of people need to learn - or relearn - the signs of abuse before it gets to physical abuse.

A lot of people also need to remember that they have a parasocial relationship with these influencers and that none of us will ever know the whole story.

[bibleofficial]

it’s me & my faggoty ass scrunchie against the world

[mars-ipan]

overcoming anxiety (through practicing the things that scare you) is so interesting. i used to be horrified of taking up space or alerting other people of my presence. now i'm compelled to tell strangers i like their outfits or hair or earrings- on bad days i tell maybe a quarter of them. do i still overthink it? absolutely. but i call attention to myself to tell someone else my opinion. and with the way they tend to smile and tell me "thank you!" i'm pretty sure it's taken to heart.

i used to be horrified of making phone calls as well. this is one i'm still getting over- i just Don't Like Doing It. i used to have a phone call routine that i still joke about- realize i need to call someone, cry, avoid it for a few days, suck it up, write a script, memorize the script, cry again, final script read, make the call with the script in front of me. and i would be Exhausted by the end of it. i don't cry when i need to call people anymore. i'm even needing scripts less and less- i've found out that people actually won't kill me if i talk a little too fast or stumble on my words. i doubt i'll ever like making phone calls- i especially hate robots (i'm afraid they'll mishear me and direct me wrong or a person will suddenly show up and i won't be prepared)- but i can make them now.

i get overwhelmed really easy. just a thing that happens to me. my brain is really really good at taking one task and breaking it up into thousands of little tasks and it feels like i'm drowning. if i try to make it fewer larger tasks then it starts to feel insurmountable. i was completely lost on how to deal with this (other than avoid until you get that panic attack and can do work in the post-catharsis calm until 6:00 AM) until one night when my dad (who i often meet late at night due to overlapping mental illness symptoms) asked me how to eat an elephant. i looked at him, confused, and he said "one bite at a time." that was way more effective than any other analogy i've seen has been. "light at the end of a tunnel"- i don't feel like i'm moving forward, i feel like i'm scaling a wall. "steps on a trail"- i can see my destination, but it feels impossible to move forward. but eating an elephant? that sums it up perfectly. this huge task which seems impossible at a glance. but it must be done. so you eat the elephant, a bite at a time. every time i'm overwhelmed i repeat that phrase to myself. it hasn't made any major changes yet, but it keeps me calm enough to start before i hit the panic attack, which i'll take.

i was such a perfectionist growing up- i actually thought it was a good thing (school always taught me to strive for perfection). but it made me scared to try new things- if i wasn't immediately good at them, then it clearly wasn't for me. i'm still not great at starting new hobbies, but i try a lot of new things within the hobbies i already have. i test out different ways of making art, i try new puzzle games i don't understand, etc. and the feeling of steady improvement reminds me that i don't need to be good right away. some of the most satisfying moments don't come from immediately being good- they come from achieving that skill over time. i'd like to try to learn to sew soon.

idk it's interesting. i rewire my own brain's fear response by doing the Horrifying Thing enough times for me to understand that no i will not die. and while i'm doing it it feels like nothing is changing. i get so stressed every time- it can actually take a lot out of me (turns out fight-or-flight burns a lot of energy). but i look back at then vs. now and i realize how far i've come, and i can't help but think "huh. neat"

[asterdeer]

video called "pirate shirt tutorial that actually makes sense" with a thumbnail clickbaitingly copying bernadette banner's style, which does the exact same thing as bernadette banner's video but more confusingly and without a diagram in the video itself, also failing to understand that bernadette banner's channel is primarily a history channel and not a sewing tutorial channel so telling people they don't have to hand-sew the pirate shirt or they don't have to thread-pull is unnecessary because bernadette banner literally said "do this however you want, i just do it this way because it's how i learn about historical dress practices" in her own video. couldn't ask for better youtube entertainment

[symphorine]

.