#just like IRL; when you fail to follow those social mores you are likely to be criticized and ostracized

[themandylion]

Mores (/ˈmɔːreɪz/, sometimes /ˈmɔːriːz/; from Latin mōrēs [ˈmoːreːs], plural form of singular mōs, meaning "manner, custom, usage, or habit") are social norms that are widely observed within a particular society or culture. Mores determine what is considered morally acceptable or unacceptable within any given culture. (Wikipedia)

Just because something isn't illegal doesn't mean it's right.

Look, I'm going to be honest, I don't care whether people feeding other fans' fanfiction into AI is "legal" or "illegal".

What it is, is rude, entitled, and disrespectful of your fellow fans.

[yandere-sins]

You know how, irl, people get fascinated and turned on by the IDEA Of a yandere? And how a yandere, ofc, stalks and learns as much as they can about their darling? I just imagine the Yandere using that to their advantage and to their Darling's horror. "Oh, but you like this don't you? You've read so many smutty tumblr stories about being taken and taken and held hostage. You reblogged so many headcanons about a character killing your bully or that co-worker you hate. I know all your questionable porn tastes. I know all your deep, dark secrets. I know your violent vent posts that I got to enact for you, Darling! I've given you everything you've ever fantasized about, so of course you'll love me. <3" And of course, the yandere fails to realize that any of those behaviors or actions in real life is absolutely, gut-wrenchingly horrifying. But they think they're giving their darling everything they could ever want, and they'll continue to do so until they stop playing hard to get.

Ngl, probably one of my worst fears for the future, but thanks for requesting because it makes good yandere content :'D

I'm imagining a really smug yandere, you know? One that thinks they are doing you such a big favor and give you all their love by expressing it this way. But in reality, they don't even realize how messed up it is.

They were just breaking into your home after you went to bed to admire their darling from afar for a little bit. They are not daring to stir you from your sleep when they can stand beside you and watch. It is enough; they won't be greedy. But they couldn't have known they'd find the holy grail of smut and depravity on your bookshelf when they started browsing as their curiosity got the better of them. They are almost appalled by their darling, if not for the fact that when they browse through the pages of a random book, the words kidnapping, stalking, love, murder, and quite a few more seem like a temptation made for them especially.

So, you actually like that kind of stuff, huh?

Someone following you on a dark street, their steps noticeable but their face masked as they are always just five steps behind you. You run, they run. There's a red rose on your windowsill the next day. It scares you, but they know now that you are just pretending. That your heart is beating faster now, elated by the chase and the promise of love it brings. The fact that you have your own mad person excites you. The yan continues to borrow one book after the other, annotates them, and takes notes for themselves before putting them back onto your shelf for you to find one day, horrified to see lots of "I'd love to do this to you," "How about I kill the coworker you hate—would that make you love me?" and "Love this, love you, always you" in them.

They thought being a silent observer, loving you from afar, was the way to be with you. But they can't help but masturbate to the sex scenes, thinking about how they'd reenact them with you. Your books will be devastatingly ruined by stains and tears in the pages as they have either ripped out a scene to save for later or bit into the book as they've hit their orgasm. Your bookshelf was a collection of dark romance before, but now it is literally the remnant of a massacre of the once neat collection.

But of course, they won't stop there.

Everyone gets sick of reading books someday, even though it's been nice doing it sitting next to you—part of the yan hoping you might wake up and they get to act out some of the scenes you read about. However, there are more things to uncover and learn from. Your public social media they've stalked so far was nice and dandy, but the favorites and posts you hide on your private computer have so much potential to learn from.

The yan can learn about all these little desires of yours. The masks you like, how you want to be taken, cared for, and loved forever. You seem to believe in soulmates—crazy! They do, too! If the yan is delusional enough, it turns out that you two are so similar to each other—a perfect match. Even the kinks they didn't share with you before can be arranged with enough dedication to you. They'll make preparations so you'll be able to ease into these depraved things that you kept hidden from them. You might have been afraid to act on your desires, but the yan is ready to let you live them out to the fullest.

Never mind that you cry after being chased home, it's what you wanted, right? It doesn't matter how you actually feel when they harass and stalk you, leave you little notes and flowers everywhere, because they are just doing what your book-partners would do (it worked for them, after all). You wanted the yan to be possessive over you; why are you sad that no one wants to be your friend when the yan went to the trouble of making sure everyone would be too scared to approach you? And really, aren't you grateful for the yan taking care of your coworker problem? Was sending you their pinky not enough proof of their love?

How come you don't love them yet? When will you love them like the protagonists of your books?

Haven't they done enough? Are you seriously saying you don't like their gifts and dedication to you? Or perhaps you are just trying to play hard to get... of course! That must be it. You are so lovely; you must know that you deserve to be desired immensely. Only they can desire you as much as to go to such lengths, but perhaps it hasn't been enough yet. You deserve more. You are waiting for the yan to prove their undying, absolute love for you. It must be something big, something extraordinary. Something that will show you just how much they care about your interests and especially you.

They will take you and give you the life you want—you deserve.

Even if you hate them for it.

[amalgamate-exe]

Dye Dye My Darling

IRL's plz dont read ^^

Eli -Hawk- moskowitz x M!reader

This is like my first full fic so enjoy!

~~~~~~

Warnings: Unedited, Earlier series hawk, Flirting some and a whole lot of hair dye.

___________________________

Hawk and you have been dating for about 6 months which would make you the luckiest girl in the entire tri-state area if this was some cheesy rom-com, but alas that's not how life worked out for you two. Unfortunately hard-core Karate kids and of course… kyler wouldn't be so chill with you two together, but that was beside the point. You were sitting with your friends at lunch admiring Hawk from afar Admiring him, the way his liberty spikes stood larger than life, the way his nose crinkled when he was laughing, probably about the Miyagi- do kids, or some new internet video that hasn't become post ironic yet, His cleft lip his-

“Earth to Y/N?” One of your friends ask 

“Hm sorry? Yeah what's up?” you ask still wanting to keep an eye on your boyfriend, you had no reason to stare but he was just… so pretty, like a Greek sculpture with his liberty spikes seeming to tower on forever

“Did you get the answers for number 6 for Math? You’re a nerd and like- Hey are you even listening to me?” Your friend follows your gaze to see “Oh for the love of gods Y/N I understand you want to live out your little romance but how many times do I have to tell you? He’s taken and… no offense, You're not his��� his type!” this was almost a weekly conversation at this point, your friends and anyone else just assumed you had a crush on Hawk, but it didn't matter you two had each other and he invited you over to his house to hang out and play Tekken, and maybe… just MAYBE he’d let you dye his hair, his roots were overgrown and his hair was more of a blue-green bleached color rather than the aggressive red or any other color he has had in the past 6 months. 

“Sure thing F/N, anyways here are the answers for the homework,” You say keeping an eye on Hawk. And sliding F/N the answers

The rest of your classes after lunch went by fairly quickly, nothing interesting or notable except that on Friday there would be a huge party at the creek. The final bell rang as you started walking to His house, when you heard the clop-clop of heavy boots on the pavement behind you you turned around and see Hawk 

“Hey! Were you just gonna walk off and leave me back at that hell hole?” He asks giving you a playful nudge in the side

“Oh sorry I figured you wouldn't want to be seen with me, social hierarchy and stuff,” you say with a smirk, understanding the cliques in high school are very important, just like 80’s movies. 

“Not that I don't want to see you! I get like during lunch where you’re playing all stealth, but I love seeing you, I crave you” he says with a smirk as you walk back to his house.

Once you get into his house you both drop your bags and sit on the couch next to each other, you start playing Tekken 7 on his play station, He selects Devil Jin and you select King, as you two start playing and getting into the groove of the game, you decide to pop the question,

“Hey Pigeon~,” You ask in an almost sing-song voice

“yeah, babe?” He asks Lasered focused on the game, some things never change

“I was thinkin’ like your hair is just bleached now all the colors faded out, and I was wondering if I could dye it for you?”

“No way in hell” Responds quick and toneless

“Aww, why not?” You ask attempting to counter His attack and failing miserably 

“Because you're going to mess it up then you made a fool out of both of us! I'll trust you a lot, however my hair dye, my spikes? No one touches those”

“Well, you weren't complaining when I was touching them the other night!” You quickly retort back

“That's– that’s beside the point,” he says slightly flustered “No one touches my hair for upkeep except me!”

“So you're saying that you trust me to give you a PERMANENT tattoo over more or less Temporary hair dye?” You ask with a smirk

“What-? No, that's not what I'm saying at all!” He seems annoyed but that could be because you're beating him at video games rather than you attempting to get permission to dye his hair

“I've been dying my hair since I was��like 13 if anyone knows anything I do. Also, would you rather have a little purple on your forehead or the weird half-blond green with roots you have going on now?”

He thinks for a moment as he hits a combo on you, the TV plays a little sound and goes “Player 2 WINS!” 

“Wanna know what, Fine, you can dye my hair ONCE” and if you fuck it up you will have to be the one who goes out to buy black box dye to fix it, AND deal?”

You smile and steal a kiss “Deal” 

You guys go to his bathroom and he changes into his hair-dye shirt, 

“Can't you just be topless?”

“No! You're going to be messing with MY hair. I don't need your eyes somewhere they shouldn't be!” 

“Oh sure! I'm the one ogling you when your shirt is off, I swear if you think i'm bad you should SEE your teammates when you take off your Gi top”

“Well last time I checked, I wasn't taking my teammates to bed with me” he responds with a smirk as he takes the bright Red hair dye bottle from under the sink and hands it over to you, then he kisses you on your cheek, “Ok now don't make me regret letting you do this… ok”|

“Fine” 

After you start mixing the dye and put on gloves you start applying the dye to his head,

“Are you sure you didn't forget a step?” he asks with a smirk as you apply the dye to his hair

“Well if I did it's too late now… here my phone is in my pocket. play some music” You shift your weight so he can take your phone out of your pocket and he plays something, the noise of chiptune and 8-bit music fills the room, it is lively in its way 

“Hey this is kinda good what is it?” you ask about halfway done slopping (painting) on the red pigment to his hair

“You're not gonna believe me,” he says with a smirk

“Oh come on, you've seen my taste in music at times, this is good, what is it?” 

“It may or may not be the undertale soundtrack by Toby Fox?” he says almost embarrassed, which causes you to burst out laughing

“God pigeon, no matter how much of a karate badass you are, you're still a nerd at heart… I could kiss you right now” 

“Now now, focus on my hair, need your blood in your brain…’ he looks you up and down “Other places,” he says smirking and giving you that damned look of flirtation 

“You know you’re making dying your hair seem like way more of an in-depth process than it is… also for your hair being bleached so many times it's still soft” You liked the conversation also the silence no matter how long you've been together still felt off-putting, he smiles 

“Thanks the hair dye I use has some conditioner property or something, also I use a shit load of conditioner you know it couldn't damage your hair too much if you wanted to dye your hair too” he was just straight flirting with you now but he seemed genuine with his offer causing you to blush, a lot 

“That doesn't sound like a ‘no’ to me, c’mon we can match,” he says with a smirk that you could never say no to. The way his cheeks moved, the way his-

“Hey space cadet, can I dye your hair while mine is setting?” He asks while he's turning his head making sure every bit of the hair is saturated with the crimson dye’

“Yeah, that would be nice… though you better not fuck it up,” you say playfully.

Once you are done dying your hair and rinsing it out, the bathtub looks like a murder scene, with red dye along the bathtub and partially up the wall

“Holy shit your mom is going to kill me!” You say looking back at the mess you've made, hair dripping in front of your eyes, which causes Eli to scoff

“She's fine with it, who do you think took me to buy the dye in the first place? It just needs some TLC and it’ll all be good, baby” He says in a playful tone of voice while wrapping his arms around your waist. “The red streak looks cute on you too,” he says kissing your cheek, it feels nice his hands around your waist, and you lean more into him 

“Hey since you don't have to get going for a few more hours, wanna watch a movie? Something cheesy like clueless or… 10 things I hate about you?” He shrugs holding you close

“Both sound perfect”

[nualaofthefaerie]

It’s very interesting that you stopped supporting and talking about Dead Boy Detectives the moment it got canceled, not one post from you trying to help the actual fans save the show, support it coming back, ect nothing. I assumed it was because you and your friends (Lissy, Ashley, Swirly, Madison) finally stopped pretending that you liked it which seems like the case.

It’s just very telling the way you guys were the hype team of the show and instantly stopped talking when you didn’t have to fake it anymore.

As a longtime follower and friend I wish you actually enjoyed the show. It’s unfortunate.

Thank you for taking the time to write. I will now in detail address every single wrong assumption about it and I would simply advise while reading through this to remember that you sent in the ask and I owe to everyone the most honest answer I could possibly muster, thank you. Now, let's break this down assumption by assumption:

We stopped talking about DBD as soon as it got cancelled - that is entirely untrue. Even though, our original fandom is the Sandman we have all made the collective effort to continue talking about the show in the capacity that we wish to. If you indeed were a "friend" you would know I have not stopped showing active support for the cast of the show post cancelation as any normal person ought to.

Not a post to support the show coming back - Yes, and I will not because the show is not coming back. I am an adult. My life does not revolve around entertainment, I have a job and bills to pay. ALSO, the way this campaign to bring back the show is being handled is extremely poor. Several baffling choices are being made that interfere with my ethics and morals, and I have no desire to align myself with such choices. The internet is a free space, so please do continue to support what you wish, but my love for this show is my own and the same goes for my friends.

It appears the remaining supporters of the campaign fail to realise that in terms of numbers, the show DID fail by any and all metrics and are willing to blame everyone about it but the numbers. It is neither my nor my friends' fault that this was the case. We did our utmost best online and irl to promote it but it is also true that we exist in the reality that we exist and harbouring delusions about changing the world is not realistic for me at the big age of 20+. And if I do, those aspirations pertain to much larger issues than a show I absolutely earnestly enjoyed.

Name-dropping my friends is sweet to appear personable but I will reiterate the following point - Lissy, Ash, Swirly (who is no longer social media active at all), Madison and I, WE owe NOTHING to anybody. WE ALL went above and beyond (and still do, iykyk) to support this show. On that point, it is very important to note that bullying me, What's on Netlfix or any other indirect contributor of content as opposed to simply capitalism and Netlfix, is not very mature behaviour and it warrants inner reflection as opposed to outer aggravation.

We WERE the hype team, exactly. I'm glad that you recognise that. We were the most active people trying our utmost best to make sure the show gets renewed. But then again, we are free to return to our special interests, in our case the Sandman.

AND NOW let's talk about why we ACTUALLY stopped talking about it in the way you wish us too - the remaining fraction of the DBD fandom cannot decide whether you want the support of the Sandman fans or not. On one hand, you hold onto us as the bigger fandom that has more 'power' and wants us to help. On the other hand, ever since DBD was cancelled it has been non-stop harassment of Sandman fans - whether it would be spamming under a completely unrelated post, ridiculing the main IP for it 'being next on the chopping board' (which is very funny because we will not have a chopping board, we have one season and our show is wrapped up. The Sandman will be a grand total of 23 episodes it seems like). Like, it's almost as if we are not allowed to simply talk about our interests without aligning it with DBD which has been CANCELLED.

It's over. It's done. It is fucking sad, it is absolutely unfortunate. The Cat King is an extremely important character to me. I, personally, spent months promoting the show at conventions and it breaks my heart that this was a character that was so important to Lukas that he will never get to see through. BUT that's also how show business is- it's unfair and it's dirty and it's not always the way we want it to be.

I also believe that feeding into the delusion of renewal is unhealthy for the very talented cast of the show. You are pulling them back instead of grieving and accepting the circumstances. Allow them to move forward. If you truly LOVE DBD and its cast, you'll support them in their future endeavours without making it about DBD. I know my consciousness is absolutely clean because I have been doing that from the moment the show was cancelled (again, if ykyk).

We loved Dead Boy Detectives but we are adults. There is a large conversation that needs to be had about the way art gets trampled under the unforgiving foot of capitalism, but that will not change the current circumstances. It is an important conversation that I TOO BELIEVE IN. We all do. But I highly doubt, our characters are slandered because we don't wish to align ourselves with a campaign that doesn't align with our values.

I hope you use this as a form of reflection as opposed to a bouncing point for more arguments, because I simply have nothing more to add. Thank you.

Kind regards,

Li

[reallyrandomtj]

Firstly, I just wanted to apologize to those who have tried to hold a conversation with me - here or on Discord - I have been a mess IRL with an incredibly low social battery over the last few days and I've hated it.

Under the read more are details I have put off sharing for the longest time that are likely going to be the main reasons for actively spikes/decreases for the next couple of weeks/likely months due to recovery times.

If you wish to avoid topics like this upon your dash ( for whatever reasons its fine. I want you to be safe/comfortable when viewing my blog ) please black list the following tags without quotations 'blog: mun health' and 'blog: mun recovery' as extra precautions should that fail I will try remember to place them under read more like I have for the below!

A week from today, will be 23rd August for me, I would have been silently ( told very few people ) fighting Grade One Endometrial Cancer - Cancer of the Uterus - for 12 months! I have been fighting it with IUDs ever since before my official diagnosis but I have had enough of that approach.

I have a pre op appointment this coming Monday ( 19th August ) in preparation for a full hysterectomy a fortnight later ( 2nd September ) that I'm terrified for but feel it to be completely necessary for my own safety and state of mind.

... You may be thinking? I wouldn't blame you if you did think this way ... 'Oh TJ you caught it early! Why go to such an extreme?' Yeah. You're not wrong! But that did little to ease my thoughts/concerns since until 26th July I had no idea if my IUD was successfully fighting off the cancer or how aggressive my cancer was... on top of finding out the cancer history of my extended family which opened my eyes to further potential cancer scares if I am not careful. Why is my family so prone to cancer so young like WTF?!

Anyway. I hope that now I've got this off my chest I can finally be productive here with drafts since I have tried to make this post for a few weeks now! I apologize if this has alarmed or spooked anyone but don't worry... I won't have this cancer for much longer!

[trojanteapot]

Alrighty folks buckle up because I'm gonna rant

Just feel like some of you out here just don't really understand nuance? And it's like what was I expecting because it's social media nuance is dead.

Anyway so all three of you out there who follow me that aren't bots, or people that I know IRL, know that my favourite character in Infinity Train is Simon Laurent, the French incel bastard man. And yeah I know he's terrible but also I must ask the eternal question: Is he actually though??????

Hear me out. Because look I know dude is a murderer and a hypocrite and a whiny little bitch but also consider the facts:

he's a teenager

he got trapped on some nightmare train when he was only ten. TEN!

his denizen was THE CAT, who from his POV manipulated him and then abandoned him!

Now I know what some of you already saying at this point:

-"uh that doesn't justify all the murdering!!!" -"he's an egotistical jackass!" -"he's not a child he's 18! he would go to adult jail in real life!" -"he died in the narrative thus justifying my hatred!" Okay well consider this: it's pretty much canonical that Grace did exactly the same amount of murdering as Simon but y'all are so ready to embrace and forgive her because she had a change of heart?

And which one of you when you were 18 made completely rational not emotion-driven decisions based on pure facts and logic??? Which one of you are capable of doing this now????

And he didn't have a normal childhood to develop his brain in a normal way, again he boarded the Train at age ten!!!! And finally which one of you was a teenager who wasn't a little egotistical???

If Simon was egotistical then what does that make Grace, the leader of the Apex who made a throne for herself???? What does that make Amelia who rejected the Train's attempts to help her move on and instead tried to recreate her dead fiance to the point that there are just renegade failed clones of that person just running around????

Also, I feel like it's important to mention that Amelia probably did more crimes than both Grace and Simon combined but she just didn't get her face eaten by Ghoms just because she was an adult at the time and could outsmart the Train. You guys are willing to forgive her and all the stuff she did... as an ADULT, but not Simon, a teenager, because... reasons???!!!

And other stuff I feel like should be mentioned here:

I think it's important to consider why episode 4 of season 3, came right before episode 5, you know the one where he kills Tuba. Episode 4 was when we learn a ton of info about Simon. Notably that the Cat was his denizen and we all know how the Cat is!

I'm pretty sure we were supposed to draw several conclusions from that episode namely:

- Cat is a schemey little shit - he was a kid when he knew the Cat - he seems to claim she was fake and manipulating him - that seems believable from what we know of the cat - ep 5 hits, Tuba and Simon have heart to heart - Simon then kills Tuba

So why did Simon kill Tuba? IT'S BECAUSE SIMON THINKS TUBA IS MANIPULATING HIM LIKE THE CAT WAS

And my friend brought up a good point where if you think about it, the Train was using Tuba to manipulate him, and using Hazel to manipulate Grace.

The Train we've seen just runs on pure algorithms and doesn't give a shit about the passengers. The Train just sees them as a number that increases or decreases. It just calculated that if Hazel & Tuba met Grace & Simon then it would have the maximum likelihood that those denizen + passenger combos could get their numbers down the most efficiently. It of course did not account for the fact that the Cat went on vacation and then ran into Simon, thus reminding him to not trust denizens.

Simon had as much of a likelihood to do a change of heart like Grace did! But hey, spanner in the works and all that.

Some of you just like hating on him because he's a white guy and coded cishet and it really shows.

I'm sure y'all are gonna say I'm defending the patriarchy or whatever for defending cishet white guy colonizer man Simon Laurent as a queer femme POC but also fuck off with that bullshit and just look at the actual text of the narrative presented to us instead of reading bad takes on Twitter.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[cuckchair]

i'm NOT putting this on my astro substack that i have irl people following. so it's going here. yeehaw

i've been reading more evolutionary astrology books lately and the timing is......................... interesting wrt experiencing black moon lilith transits -> uranus/asc transits. it was triggered in july (lilith's ingress into my libra 8th house: a queer healing gathering) then became fully operational following the august aquarius full moon (conjunct my natal uranus in 12th: seeing my abuser again).

black moon lilith in my chart is clearly a trauma signature. considering the mythological/cultural context of lilith being a figure outcasted, demonized for being sexually liberated (and other goddesses that demetra george associates bml with like persephone), the fact that she's in my 8th house, and that the last lilith eclipse activated her again—it becomes fairly obvious, to me anyway, what she is. lilith in my chart represents the shadow of shame. and other astrologers would likely be kinder about how she operates in my chart, but when i see where she's placed and how she's placed it's clear to me that sexuality = taboo = shame = secrets = trauma = death/rebirth. a libra 8th house ruled by venus in my 3rd, co-present with saturn. the foundations of these secrets inform the structure of my consciousness, my values, my relational dynamics. (how terribly profound. how terribly awful).

the other day when the sun was conjunct my natal lilith, i ended up spending the day with a friend and we had a huge debrief/vent session about the ways that scars from CSA—particularly incest CSA—completely warp, damage, eviscerate your fucking world sometimes. it takes a really, really fucking long time to come to terms with things. and just when you think you're over it—you've processed it—you'll uncover something new. you discover a new way that it affects you. and it feels like the wound opens up all over again.

never mind how your family may react. never mind the ways in which they may fail you, before and now.

there are not enough "helpers" in this world equipped to deal with our stories, because our experiences are apparently so god-awful that they have to dismiss us to protect themselves. the shame is not only within us for being victimized, but it's embedded within the systems that are supposed to help us: mental health services, inadequate. social services, inadequate. medical services, inadequate. and being forced to carry those systemic failures as a child?

even as an adult, who is that child—unfathomable. to imagine it happening to anyone else. i once went to counselling and she avoided discussing post-traumatic stress at all costs, despite the fact that i was suffering from dissociation at the time. there was a complete failure to engage with the totality of my life because it was "too much". anyone who should have seen what was happening, excluding my family—educators who are meant to detect these things, physicians who should be able to detect these things—not a single fuckin one could hold space or say a thing. that's insane.

as a helper confined within the parameters of these systems, trying to help other survivors—it gets triggering. it gets frustrating. to want to be able to use our experiences to help others process their own shit, but we can't even do that because we're bound by the colonial structures of systems we fuckin work within, too. by the time people get to us they've already experienced harm by these systems. by the time people get to us they don't want to re-engage with these systems because they're exhausted. disenchanted. profoundly hurt.

(it can be helpful to experience triggers in this sense, because it activates a kind of primal rage against institutional failures. and these are at the very least things that i can share with people who are trying to affect change, and it can be implemented within my own code of conduct as a helper. but still. holy fuck).

_______

the ingress of planets into libra this year, as well as lilith's ingress into libra, corresponds in terms of timing and the initiation of hypersexuality. the difference between this phase and other phases i've been in lies in the fact that it's

1. been an opportunity to explore reclamation of sexual desire, which is something i couldn't do previously out of shame/fear/repression/repulsion and

2. the shame/repulsion/compulsive part of the hypersexuality is less operational (meaning i haven't been quiet about what i'm experiencing: i'm not downplaying the ways in which my history have involvement with current exploration and processing, but i'm also accepting that i am allowed to express facets of my sexuality, given that it's a safe space for everyone involved).

there's still elements of this where i'm like... embarrassed, i think. i'm saying, feeling, portraying some really sexual things online. which is normalized, i think, especially in fandom spaces (and obviously encouraged in the current fandom space i'm occupying), but it isn't always something i've been comfortable to do.

i joke about the ways that i cope through a certain character—a persephone-like archetype himself—but when it really comes down to it, i suppose it isn't that funny how much i relate to him. it's too meaningful to be a joke. i love him, unfortunately, because i see myself in him, and it's easier to love a character than love myself. you already know what it is.

there's also the fact that i'm being open with my friends about the ways that this phase is affecting and changing me (because thank god, i have friends who are trauma-informed/can hold space for me even when i'm stuttering and struggling to convey some of the worse things). there's still a part of me suspended in disbelief that i am letting anyone see this unfold as it's happening, because it feels as though the worst parts of me are spilling out.

it's still a relief, though. to spill out. rejection sensitivity is a nightmare always, but to have the "worst" parts of myself seen and tolerated... that is a win, for me.

i think the spilling out is where uranus comes in. mark jones writes about the role that archetypal uranus plays in trauma—something i would have *never* clocked on my own, as so much of modern astrology is inundated with uranus as a revolutionary, a change-maker, a disruptor. he points out that uranus corresponds with subtle mental/memory body, and the deeper state of unconscious that can be "brought towards conscious awareness through the attention and focus of the individual as part of the process of individuation". uranus hit my natal jupiter/asc in july, which is when i was at a healing gathering where i unintentionally released a LOT of shame around things like Having a body. Being seen. (it's funny what being in safe spaces/community can like, do for you). Attraction to other people. The potential of being desired and feeling safe about being desired. he writes, "we are not alone, and although that idea may be quite hard to connect with under duress, we are all held by this larger field...this insight forms the basis of the recovery from trauma through a holding environment." and that's what that gathering facilitated, i think. a holding environment for some of my worst fears to be gently held.

and uranus is transiting my 3rd house of cognition, communication. close friends, extended relatives. my neighbourhood. social media. so these are the people and places and spaces where the holding environment to process the shame within the body (ASC) exists.

not all of the shame can be released obviously, because that would be miraculous. as part of the retrograde uranus will be transiting jupiter/asc between oct 27th -> nov 6th, and then once again next april (which, btw, so many meaningful transits, especially final hitting retrograde transits, are happening in my chart in april 2025. cannot fathom what this could possibly mean).

so clearly there are going to be other facets/dimensions to self that will be realized, especially when i experience the exact lilith return around late december.

anyway. i'm also thinking about how the plutonic symbolism in my chart references a need to talk, profess, in public spaces. like a sagittarian archetype. it's actually embarrassing how the true compulsive part of this process is the need to tell anyone. i suppose that's what happens when you spend a better part of your life holding onto pain.

[autisticlee]

try to follow scripts so I can try to say the "appropriate" things so I dont upset the wrong people, but i'm actually really bad at following scripts. I wish I was better at it. I know you're supposed to say please, thank you, excuse me, etc. all those polite manners thing. answer "good and you?" to "how are you" and things like that. but I just simply can't say these things 99% of the time and don't know why!!!!! try so hard!!! hurts me to try. and hurts even more when i fail and get treated horribly because of it. sometimes think I said things but no one heard so can't tell if said it but too quiet or not at all!!!! can't "speak up" when asked and people get very angry.

I was bullied by kids and adults both growing up because of it. friends parents banned me from being their friend for it. friends parents yelled at me for being "rude and disrespectful" to them and banned me from ever going to their house to play or go places with them. my parents punished me after every interaction I had with another person because I didn't perform social interaction correctly. because adults complained about me being rude and disrespectful. because kids parents apparently bullied my parents for raising such a "horrible/evil/disrespectful/rude/etc" child because I wouldn't talk to them or their kids. and their kids whined and bullied me and it was my fault. got bullied because I couldn't ask for help or defend myself. teachers punished me. then called my parents who punished me again at home. teachers kept me from eating lunch because I wasn't allowed to leave until I said a word to them (I didn't). teachers sent me to school counselor who did ABA type thing to me. didn't work. adults watched as kids did bad stuff to me and didn't help because I couldn't ask so they think it's fine and I don't want/need help or deserve it.

I was just a small child and no one cared that I struggled so much because they only saw me as bad and evil because i couldn't talk!!! it was so scary and frustrating. no one ask me how I felt and figure out why I couldn't talk. or in their eyes "wouldn't" as if I had choice. they made me think I was choosing not talking and i beat myself up for not figuring out how choose to talk. I could never follow scripts I was taught no matter how many times was told what to say and told how important it is.

to this day I still can't follow these scripts right. cant get a job because I can barely say words at interviews. I have no friends because I cant talk to strangers to make them. cant make or answer important phone calls and will got years without important medication or doctor appointments. can never ask for help when have bad things happen in public places alone. online friends I meet irl stop talking to me because they think i'm too awkward and quiet. strangers scream and threatened me and treat me bad or won't help me because I cant say words. still struggle to say things "required" to not be "rude" and to be treated with respect by others. it's so hard. i'm so tired. I wish to have a pass to not be expected to speak and have struggle or other form of communication respected. the way people treat those who can't speak and struggle to speak is horrible and needs to change. we aren't being rude and disrespectful! we aren't not talking on purpose!!! stop assuming and being rude and disrespectful to US!!!!!

[overlordchris]

Thinking about the tumblr of 2012.

I haven’t been on here as much the past 6 months. I think I now know why.

Tumblr used to be fun. Like, there’s still some funny things that pop up, but nothing like 2012. And this isn’t quite a “back in my day” thing as much as it just objectively feels hollow.

I had joined in the summer of 2012. 3 months later, my first ever relationship ended. I was happy to have this site as a distraction from heart break. But, the best thing about it was how much life existed here. I gained my first ever digital friends here, back when at the time of that breakup, I also lost most of the people I knew irl with it.

Now, there doesn’t seem to still be that energy. It’s no longer a distraction, but in some ways, it’s a reminder of how much has changed during very similar circumstances. Once more, someone I loved decided they no longer felt the same. Once more, the majority of people I knew irl have left.

Most people I follow here, I’ve honestly been following for at least 5+ years now, but out of them all, I feel like I only ever see stuff from maybe 6ish accounts? None of whom I’ve ever talked with. I used to enjoy the “social” part of this social media site, but I haven’t seen that here in quite a while. Now that I’ve ended up broken and alone once more, I’ve been less and less motivated to open this app.

This at one point served as a digital diary of sorts for me, but, idk, maybe it’s just with age I just care less? I’m writing this now mostly to see if I have any real motivation to still use this place as that, and tbh, I don’t think there’s much there right now.

Maybe it’s a reminder that after 12 years, I’ve not really changed much? A bad thing in this case of course. The world, the people have all moved on, matured, or found where they needed to be. But here I am, being surprised the majority of people here don’t know what “gpoy” means, when I myself haven’t seen the term used in quite some time.

I guess this is all to say that I feel like there’s no hope for me. I’ve always been an outsider, but for the most part, I still found myself feeling some inkling of connections nonetheless. Perhaps it was that I was just part of the cultural zeitgeist. But now, 12 years later, I’ve gotten obviously older, but I’ve by accident trapped myself. There are no people out there like me anymore. No new people I mean. No one is like me in the literal sense (outsider), but those who could be counted as similar enough that some sort of bond could form, are either too young to form friendships with, or for those whom could be in some ways similar are already part of groups that don’t have room for one more.

By now, at 34, I’m supposed to have the chosen family. I’m supposed to have the people part of my life that I could expect to be part of it for the foreseeable future. Nobody is looking for friends in their 30s cause why would they? The time, commitment, energy, that takes years to build up those bonds, are years people don’t need/want to invest at this point in their lives. That work was done when they themselves were finding their way in the world and discover who it was they were going to be.

I failed to keep people in my life on all ends. A therapist would say that it’s always a two way street, that those who are gone played an equal part in creating this outcome of separation. But when you’re the one who ends up all alone at the end of it, you can’t help but see yourself as the problem. The common denominator.

I don’t have any time left. My investments turned out to be bad, and now there’s nothing else left to invest in.

Do I regret what time was spent on those investments? For the most part, no. I wouldn’t have been there if there wasn’t something there I found worthwhile. It’s not regret, but at the same time, it is? Maybe there’s a different word there I can’t seem to think of right now, but to me, the regret I don’t feel are the good memories and experiences I still treasure. The regret I do feel is more tied to hindsight I guess. I made the wrong investments. I spent my time and energy on people who never wanted to match what I was putting in.

This is getting rambly. 😮‍💨

I went all in, you could say. Now I’m bankrupt, and my relationship credit is so poor that no healthy put together person would want anything to do with me. Nor would people just starting to build that credit would want to invest in something they can see wouldn’t pay off. (This metaphor has probably gone on far enough, but I’ve had credit on the brain recently I guess). Who invests in Blockbuster now? That’s me. I’m Blockbuster. I’m Circuit City. I’m RadioShack lol

Tying this back into my original point, Tumblr, at the time I was first acquainted with it, has had those like myself move onto different things as time moved on. I guess continuing with the overplayed metaphor, they moved on with the times and grew with the likes of Netflix, whereas I peaked at Blockbuster. And as stated previously, who in the year 2024 wants anything to do with a Blockbuster?

I guess my train of thought changed as I processed through this. It’s not so much that today’s tumblr has been hollowed, it’s more so my inability to move in the right direction has left me in a limbo I can’t escape. I’m alone now. There’s no one to relate to or with, and tumblr is just a reminder of that. It no longer represents something that could distract me from the woes of life, but now acts like a mirror, showing the reflection of someone who has grown older, and isolated.

[cute-little-fly]

Certainly the look of someone that doesn’t feel stomach butterflies for the other because of these gestures. There he is happy he is not mocked for the rats (I think) and the other one because he woke up with a random bunch of horses. His mood waking up surely improved because of that, even if he found it strange. (He doesn’t appreciate them fully yet, but retrospectively he will eventually and rn they work at making him feel better).

Here the scene is all funny but Stolas smiled just after Blitzø tried clothes with him ❤️

Also

A lot of the Stolas behaviour we see later (the bad humor, the crying) here is influenced by the lack of pills. That is communicated visually through this scene:

Followed by:

This is called visual storytelling. Is not a genious thing but it is well done, subtle enough to pass over our heads in a quick first watch (maybe), but that gains relevance in a second watch after the pills having relevance at the end. The pills is something that has been shown a lot of times in all the other episodes too, probably to lead to this and the ending moment.

After this moment is where Stolas completely crashes down, and is more irritable and overly emotional. As someone that dates a person that had depression and now is treated, this characterization even if cartoonish at times is actually very well done. I related too much to it. Also, I can say that a lot of the things Blitzø did actually work. I am sure he took care of an anxious Fizz or his mother had depression. Because he is too good at it.

But, about Stolas, is true he doesn’t trully appreciate all the help he is being given, taking the depression and mood swings aside… as other NORMAL people would do, because he is someone used to have everything granted for him. Literally, served in silver platter.

This is how someone spoiled would act.

For me is admirable how all the IMP crew understands that and doesn’t get mad at Stolas. Blitzø still loves him because is him, he is the most crazy person there and knows how much Stolas loves him. So, honestly doesn’t surprise me as much, he is also familiar with Stolas’s palace and environment and sees that big difference.

They probably understand is a great change for him and where he comes from but it is surely also a great shock for the IMP crew to see those differences. Is also interesting how they set this up in GF. In Ghostfuckers Millie is surprised with the office and says is too much for imps, for Stolas that is for poor people. Ups!

For some of you this makes the show bad, for me it gives depth for each character and where they come from. Is is showing and not telling. A show with this theme of social class and without this kind of conflict and contrasts would be so boring.

For me it would be worse storytelling if someone like him immediately understands everything, and again… Boooring. I think he doesn’t even realize yet that the couch was Blitzø’s bed probably because he always wakes up before. UPS again, more angst for later, because this is a series finale and there is no time for that and only a month has passed. Surely this will create conflict.

But, it will be worth it when Stolas bonds over them over time and see them beyond low-class. Maybe, just maybe he will even be happier once he adjusts… Aaand perhaps, he will need to have treatment too.

The phrase: “you saved me in return” is bitersweet, because Stolas is seeing again the relationship as an exchange. But, is good that he is reflecting that he is the one that 100% caused all of this. A step in the right direction for him.

Some general comments:

1) Helluva boss is far faaar away from perfect, but perfection is not the solely objective of art form, and is not showing how things should be irl, less in an adult cartoon. However, for a comedic cartoon HB is surprisingly deep. Maybe it fails to build up for some people but you just have to adjust that in this show they don’t show some intermediate moments to be able to progress the story more, and have all the characters they have. Is just how it is and for me this is an actual valid criticism of the show because this prevents the engagement of some people. Hopefully with 15 episodes this might improve. Just for you to see that I don’t defend it from everything.

2) Comparing HB to Bojack for me is a mistake even if vivzie is inspired in that show. For me Helluva Boss is about redemption (yes, like Hazbin), and Bojack is nihilistic. HB is about people that can heal even if they think they are not worth it or can’t do it due to their past mistakes. Bojack is about how some people just won’t change and you need to accept that and move on. For me, these two things are true irl. Some people change for the better, some don’t. Bojack changed at the very end, but the people he lost is lost forever and I think he did just because he was in jail without access to drugs. Also, he was given tons of opportunities to mend and he was never able to mend things. Here, is different. A show will always have some overarching themes. Even if the shows are of similar nature their overarching themes are almost opposite.

3) In my humblest opinion, you give the show less credit and choose to ignore a lot of the interesting elements that come from this and only focus and nitpick on the things it lacks… and turns out it will always lack something. Everything always lacks something. I like to be critical on media, but this critical crew make me don’t want to criticize this show as much because you do it more than it needs to be criticized. Of course, I am not saying to you stop doing it. You have all the right to put your post as I have to put mine.

4) Also, I didn’t respond to the post main criticism on big gestures, and the post is long enough, sorry. Sure a lot of people don’t like his rom-com troupe but I actually liked how it was handled in this series, because it helped to Stolas to see that Blitzø trully cares, but at the same time it didn’t solved anything! They still haven’t unpacked anything and the other problems are preventing them to be fully together. Usually in romantic movies these gestures solve everything, here that didn’t happen. Also; the big gesture is something that happened to communicate the other that they love him, just in Stolitz because they were terrible at communicating, and how they failed being a normal couple in everything caused the big gestures to be necessary in the first place.

5) The rest of the couples stand up for the other sometimes, but the gesture is not as important itself to let the other know that they are loved and keep the couple afloat. They actually communicate 😅, and that communication is what keeps the relationship going. The Ozzie and Fizz crooked song and Ozzie’s talk is what gives Fizz the courage to leave his abusive job, not the big gesture. The only gesture that was similar to this one a little bit maybe is when Moxxie presents Millie in unhappy campers, but he does that because he listens to her feelings and Millie constantly shows Moxxie affection, and care and he appreciates. We also see have seen them communicate effectively in other instances, so what is keeping their love strong? Small gestures, communication and care, not them saving each other at difficult situations at work. So ultimately, I feel this big gesture thing only apply to Stolitz… and is mainly because Stolas doesn’t understand love yet and how Blitzø self hatred prevented him to understand Stolas was being truthful. They are a mess and we are not supposed to see how they are as normal, just as them being a complicated and utterly mess because they are like that rn. We like the ship because of that and not ignoring that, and they will be continue to be like that for a while... But eventually Stolas will learn what true love is. The song ending with “Truer love is hard to find” is not true love, but truer. This is foreshadowing that. Blitzø is the truer love, because of all the small every day gestures he gives 🩷, all of this said while Blitzø gently hugs him. Perfect. Chef kiss.

This Show Focuses Too Much On Grand Gestures Rather Than The Little Things When It Comes To Relationships

It's a thing I see in the Sinmas episode where the focus is on Blitzo stepping in to sacrifice him for Stolas that he really becomes grateful and appreciative. It's to show supposedly how he's grown, but in my opinion the little things he did throughout the episode really are the things he should have been focused on rather than the big gesture. The writers still want to focus on Stolitz being this romanticized, ideal couple that they forgot little things like chemistry and small develops between them. However, we never see the same from Stolas to do small good gestures and instead focus on the big gestures, so that we can hammer how nice and self-sacrificing he is despite how much he still comes off as a narcissistic privileged asshole who takes Blitzo for granted.

This quote from Bojack rings true so hard because for a relationship to work you can't rely on grand gestures to hold everything little everyday stuff is the thing that holds it up. And if you think you can hold stuff with grand gestures then your relationship will fall apart. Also those who do grand gestures often do more shitty than regular good things in life, which as he said isn't enough to make up for everything. The problem is Stolas is too much of an ideologue he can't see it and will only value the big things to be truly appreciative. And I fear that will be his downfall in his relationship with Blitzo if rumors are true he will tickle a relationship with Vassago because he craves grand attention instead of one based on small everyday support.

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

PRIDEFALL UPDATE: real or fake?

What is Pridefall?

Operation Pridefall, also known as Project Pridefall or simply Pridefall, refers to an attack planned by /pol/ (a political discussion board on the anonymous website 4chan) for all of June, AKA Pride month. The original 4chan thread, which has since been deleted, was primarily focused on “redpilling,” i.e. spreading queerphobic propaganda to make people question the LGBTQ+ community. However, now that it has spread outside 4chan, there are threats of harassing, doxxing, and outing queer people (especially minors) on social media, spamming gore and rape videos in private messages and Pride tags, and even kidnapping, assaulting, or killing queer people in real life.

Specific targets include Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and dating apps. The goal is to go after smaller accounts so the queerphobia isn’t lost in the comments.

Is Pridefall real?

Yes and no.

I searched “pridefall” on 4chan last night. Apparently any new threads on it are being deleted, and anytime someone mentions it, everyone calls them slurs and says no one is doing it.

However, Pridefall is gaining some traction on Instagram--I have seen it for myself. I don’t have TikTok or any dating apps, but I’ve heard that some people are spamming homophobia on TikTok. As for Twitter, I only looked briefly, but I saw some Pridefall accounts there, as well as a lot of warnings and blocklists from people who are worried about it.

I’ve also heard that there have been a few Reddit and Discord raids, and that there is an Operation Pridefall Discord server (someone who spied on them says they have been banned on Discord as well as a platform called Riot before, so very few people are left on the Discord server now).

What do you think, Lia?

This is not coming from 4chan. No one on 4chan is interested anymore.

Most likely, people outside of 4chan heard about it and decided to take matters into their own hands.

The original 4chan thread wanted to make Pridefall “normie-palatable” by avoiding Nazi imagery or other overt unpleasantness, but I have seen a LOT of both on Instagram. This reinforces my belief that 4chan isn’t doing this.

A lot of the people behind this are young, or at least unsophisticated. Most of the Pridefall accounts on Instagram engage in very childish trolling, and one of them said they were a minor. Some of the threats I’ve seen are so outlandish that I can only imagine they came from a fairly young person.

My guess? Most of these people are around 13-19.

There are also very few of them and some of them probably have multiple accounts. Anti-Pridefall accounts outnumber them by far.

However, on Instagram I’ve seen Pridefall accounts following each other and commenting on each other’s posts, so there may be a few groups working together.

A lot of this shit is going to get deleted. I know Instagram is working through reports very slowly right now because they have fewer people available due to COVID-19, but most of the worst accounts I saw last night were deleted by this morning. I saw some more accounts deleted today.

Most, if not all, of these Pridefallers are just trying to scare us. Because they’re probably quite young, there’s very few of them, their accounts keep getting deleted, and law enforcement can track online activity, there is no way they have the balls or resources needed to coordinate major attacks.

There is a very, very slight chance this could spill over into real life, but as long as you practice basic online safety, you will be fine.

That being said, if you are threatened or doxxed by a Pridefall account, PLEASE contact the police. Better safe than sorry.

I do think that the threat of being doxxed or outed is more real than the threat of being attacked. I have already seen one Pridefall account who posted a trans boy’s address on Instagram (he is okay, he posted recently) and another who posted someone else’s address.

There is little chance this will last throughout Pride month. Apparently the goal is for Pridefall to worsen until the end of June, but given that this is most likely just some vastly outnumbered teenage trolls who are bored in quarantine, I seriously doubt they’ll be able to stay interested for a whole month.

This might not be as big on Tumblr. Tumblr is a lot more anonymous than, say, Instagram, which will hopefully deter would-be doxxers. It’s also known to be a highly liberal and queer-friendly site, so any Pridefaller with half a brain cell should know that A) their content is sure to be outnumbered and reported (only us Tumblr users know how bad staff is at deleting questionable stuff), and B) anyone with the original goal of “redpilling” is sure to fail here. Plus, I only remember seeing few, if any, mentions of Tumblr on Pridefall planning threads.

Still, expect to see some Pridefall activity here. Unsurprisingly, not all of these Pridefallers have half a brain cell. Some of them will definitely be unable to resist the lure of a community as openly queer as Tumblr, and we’ve all seen or heard about doxxing, harassment, gore, Nazis, and queerphobes on here. Also, 4chan has historically had some beef with Tumblr, so young teenage boys who idolize 4chan may target us for that reason.

How can I stay safe?

If you have any social media accounts where you A) have posted identifying personal information, and B) are openly supportive of the LGBTQ+ community (especially if you’re queer yourself), put them on private for June. Any other accounts are probably fine to stay public.

If you need a private Tumblr, you can make a password-protected secondary account and only share the password with mutuals you trust.

It is probably okay to be openly queer on a private account (e.g. have pronouns/rainbow emojis in your Instagram bio), since a private account is not likely to be doxxed. But if you want to be extra careful, remove queer identifiers from anything that is publicly visible.

Use Pridefall blocklists. They’re all over Instagram and Twitter. I may repost some here.

Report any Pridefall accounts you see. This is VERY important because this is how we can actually get rid of Pridefall content.

DON’T RESPOND TO ANY PRIDEFALLERS WHO PERSONALLY INTERACT WITH YOU. I know it’s tempting to give a snarky reply, but if they message you, comment on your post, etc, just block them. Seriously, don’t feed the trolls. It's exactly what they want.

Make sure your password game is strong. Use a different password for every site (I know, I know, it sucks), and use passwordmeter.com to test their strength. Write them all down on a piece of paper.

Make sure your username game is strong. Don’t use the same username for multiple sites, and avoid putting personal information in your username, such as your name or birthday.

Do NOT open random links!! Pridefallers could message you links that will give you viruses or track your IP address.

Don’t accept DMs or follows from people you don’t know. Pridefall accounts don’t always look like Pridefall accounts. Some of them are undercover.

Use a VPN. This is probably a little overkill unless you’re particularly at risk of being doxxed, but it will hide your IP address.

Be careful who you interact with. A lot of queer people on Instagram are DMing Pridefall accounts or commenting on their posts, but this could make you a target. As helpful as anti-Pridefall accounts are, you might even be targeted for following those.

Be wary of Pride tags. Unfortunately, a lot of Pridefall accounts plan to infiltrate tags commonly used by queer creators during Pride month. Use discretion when looking for queer content.

Be safe IRL. Lock your doors, lock your windows, be aware of your surroundings, don’t walk alone in poorly lit places, know basic self-defense, etc. Again, I absolutely do not think people will be attacked in real life, but you should be doing this shit all the time, not just in June. Thanks to COVID-19, you’re safer inside anyway!!

Make yourself hard to dox. Even though I have a very unusual first name (it's not really Lia), I am extremely hard to find online. I just went into an incognito browser window and searched my first and last name in quotation marks, but I didn’t find myself until page 4 of Google (and that result wasn’t even posted by me). I’m only half as careful as I could be, but here’s some of the things I do:

-I never use a picture of myself as my profile pic, except for Facebook and Instagram, which are both on the highest privacy settings possible.

-If I post identifying information on a public account (my college, my age, etc), I use a pseudonym or my first name only.

-On Instagram, I only use my first name, and I used special characters to type it, so you won’t find me if you search my name.

-On Facebook, I only accept friend requests from people I know. Most, if not all, of my Instagram followers are IRL friends, friends of IRL friends, and trusted Internet friends.

-If I’m really being paranoid, I’ll make a brand-new email account to sign up for a site. That way, my accounts aren’t all linked through one email address.

-Before I post a picture online, I delete the EXIF data with verexif.com, since EXIF data can hold GPS coordinates.

🌈 Stay safe, everyone.

You will not be harmed. You will be okay. Like cockroaches, we are survivors, and we will get through this!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

-Mod Lia

[desertedvault]

following on I think there is a problem with mixed messaging for neurodivergent people. there is such a complex relationship between being ashamed of your mental illness and properly regulating it. people will use a diagnosis to justify, or explain away, or treat as a fact of life, behaviour that harms others. that's not okay, but it's sometimes hard to square the idea of emotional regulation with the desire to not mask and to instead be your """authentic self""

perhaps communicating about mental health online, with the physical and emotional distance that allows, has created a culture where behaviour that not everyone can tolerate irl is more readily tolerated, and where the painfulness of masking and lack of understanding, and discussing what your mental health is doing to you, is discussed more than the practicalities of improvement and regulation.

mental health circles in social media is also a place where you are likely to get a distorted view of the reactions your behaviour and your ways of thinking will get. it's a lot more forgiving than real life. experiencing an outpouring of love and understanding is so good for a person, I think, but sadly it's not what you should be expecting irl

everyone's experience is different, but I feel confident enough to say - take it from me: losing control and acting out, especially when it comes to anger, paranoia and self-destructive tendencies - this can cause people who are understanding of mental health, or claim to be, or have MH problems themselves, to turn their back on you in some way, or more broadly, seek distance from you. even if it's your mental health problems causing your bad actions - or (and this is important) bad reactions.

it feels incredibly cruel and bitterly ironic (assuming I'm using that correctly) when it happens and you realise this. but you need to understand it can happen. and you need to understand that even if you weren't acting maliciously, but simply couldn't control your emotions or impulses, it's possible that they still have, in some sense, good reason to turn away. not because you are worthless or beyond repair - because you upset them, or they can't or don't know how to handle what you're doing or the way you're being. not everyone will be able to.

I went in talking about emotional regulation but as it's what I've been struggling with, I think what I'm saying is more about anger than anything else. There are other MH symptoms that can cause the reaction I described but anger is arguably The Big One.

I'd never properly considered anger and subsequent control-loss to be a part of my mental health problems, there was a block. I think a lot of people overlook this too. I came from a very volatile family and went to a very violent and intense secondary school. anger wasn't rewarded, not at all, but it seemed normal, acceptable. and now as I've come of age, anger is being deified by many. it is the bringer of change, of justice! it's 'an energy' as johnny rotten put it. and it can be those things. it can also be used as a false reason your opponents are wrong, and it can be induced in others to confuse their thinking and make them slip up during debate. many people seem to see nothing wrong with feeling intense anger or causing it, especially online where, again, there's that distance. really this is a bit of a tangent - I don't think anyone's able to comprehensively explain society's current relationship to anger, but whether it's because of the above or not, it does feel like something we overlook in ourselves, and fail to understand in others. certainly I've been that way, maybe it is just me.

but we (whoever the hell that is) do seem quite blind to the very obvious dark side. anger is an unavoidable part of life and it does have positive uses, but how you express it is so crucial. you can't allow it to consume or control you. it hurts you to be angry, it's scientifically not good for you; and of course, your anger can harm others.

I know there are people who have mental health problems that are far more difficult to manage than mine, that are going to make anger management (and emotional regulation more generally) work differently and be more difficult. but I think we owe it all to ourselves to try and find things that prevent us losing control and scaring or hurting people, even if we think we' have that locked down. catching yourself before you go too far, to the extent it's a struggle to get back - that's really key. there are simple techniques that can help a huge amount, like breath control - and I have recently found other techniques through free anger management resources online, too, including youtube videos of a guy who looks like he works as a bouncer at a nightclub for animals that could kill you

i am really massively benefitting from doing work on my anger and I recommend it to pretty much anyone neurodivergent. but like... masking bad... anger management good? what's going on there boys

[bookwyrminspiration]

WAIT. I'm late to the party but I just remembered all those anons were sending in "why I send you asks" and their reasons and I actually really want to participate, so I hope you will accept late applications?

The reason I send you so many asks is because you've just...built such a nice feeling that anything can be discussed, and it's never too niche or cringy or boring, and that's really relieving and amazing.

I'm sure you (along with many others) have realized by now, but I suffer from....really bad anxiety, both social anxiety and just in general, and it very often gets in the way of my life. Because of this and past experiences, I'm always very scared and hesitant to talk about my interests and my thoughts on anything.

But every time I've sent you an ask, even if it was, in retrospect, probably really annoying to read through the one hundred "sorry"s and "my bad"s, you've always been nothing but kind and interested in my ideas, and that was just...so surprising. Because I never really knew anyone who was willing to talk about anything, and it was just...really amazing to meet someone who was! Especially because I love and am interested in so many different things and kind of need someone to bounce ideas at. And it was really cool to see someone that was unashamed of their own interests and thoughts, but didn't make others feel bad for having different ideas.

Every time I send you an ask, you always have something interesting to say back. Something I hadn't thought of or considered, or a query that would make me rethink my own theories, or just a very well-thought-out answer to a question. I remember sending in tons of asks about the wings AU before it was released, and writing those was probably the highlight of my day, because I knew you'd take them and run with the ideas, and do your best to match my energy, and I was really grateful for that. And you were always willing to dig deeper, to think "but what if there was more?" and that's just...incredible! I don't have any other word for it!

I love sending you asks because you don't dismiss an idea or deem it as stupid, and you're just...such a kind and wonderful person that can make even the most obscure subject infinitely more interesting than before, and you never fail to make me consider things again, to expand my thoughts and views, and I'm really grateful for that.

So, because it should definitely be said by now, thank you!

And, well, that's why I love sending you asks :]

- pyro

there is no timeline so there's no way to be late! and I'm answering this a few days after you sent this, so if you believe yourself to be late then we can both be late together :D. you are fully welcome to participate if you want to (which you said you did)! it was mostly just a random question I had because i'm just as analytical with myself as I am with keeper, and knowing how other perceive and think of me is helpful for that--and I was curious about how i'd aquired so many asks so quickly, and then you all just turned it into complimenting quil hours for some reason !! (but on to your ask before I get even more distracted)

(note from a quil who has answered all of this: got very long so that's why there's a readmore! i love you /p)

this means so much to me--specifically your use of "built" because I do try pretty hard to maintain a positive atmosphere and welcome everyone in and treat everyone with the same attention. it didn't just fall into place, i try to be encouraging to everyone and support all the amazing work--art, writing, ideas, etc--I see from people. (note: i've been wanting to do a thing where I ask for fic/art/other recommendations from others (can be friends or their own) so i can go through and reblog a bunch of them with comments and the like, I just want to get through more of my asks before I start something like that). But you're right--nothing is too niche! there's so many details in the story it's impossible for one person to notice anything, so people bringing up the obscure and their own thoughts makes the story richer and more fleshed out for everyone else! and i think it's really cool to just see what other people focus on (like I said, my analysis isn't limited to characters, but I'm not like dissecting you all to understand each of you in a creepy way or anything. I just like to get a better sense of someone so I can respond in a way more tailored to them when we interact)

anxiety can really suck, so as someone who also has anxiety i am giving you a comforting hug if you'd like one. it genuinely impacts everything you do and think about, rewriting how you experience life. a single, inconsequential experience to someone else can literally change major aspects of how we think, which makes interactions so scary sometimes. i remember things people said years ago and still base my actions around them, but those people have absolutely no recollection of ever saying it, but just the fear of having done something wrong once permanently altered my thinking. (this is not to make this about me, I'm just trying to show I understand by sharing an experience of my own).

reading through all your "i'm sorry"s and "my bad"s wasn't annoying and never will be. you have never had anything to apologize for, and I know that sometimes you feel you need to enter a conversation and first apologize for being there, but I'm thrilled to have you here and always love seeing you in my inbox. I don't know how to articulate this properly, but I'm going to try. i saw your apologies and your apprehension as...a puzzle? that's absolutely not the right word but I can't think of the right one so please let me explain (I don't mean to imply you're like something to be solved or a problem in any way. words can be difficult and I'm trying to describe something very intangible rn, so I hope this doesn't sound bad). I didn't see it as annoying (you're never annoying), I saw it like it was something to work through, and while it's not my job or anything to help other's with their personal problems, it was like if I could just provide one space where I could encourage you (not just you, but anyone) as a friend to try shifting your language and start thinking of yourself more positively, then I wanted to give that.

because I am interested in your ideas! and I want to be kind and welcoming to you! but I also want you to be kind to yourself, so any impact I've had to give anyone a safer, less scary space is really cool. I don't know if that made sense, but I'm not trying to talk down to you or anything or be like I'm this high and mighty figure harboring lost souls or something, just that connection is important and I like being there for people. kinda worried that sounded bad because it feels worded strange but I'm trying to reciprocate and say i appreciate you and am happy to talk about anything!

i love bouncing ideas back and forth and you are more than welcome to say anything and everything you're thinking about. talking to you is always an absolutely joy and I get so excited when you send me an ask and when you're reading my response, because it often feels like this like...buzz? like we're just vibing on this frequency and it makes it so much fun to throw ideas back and forth and just listen to each other talk. i am very glad to have surprised you and met you! I don't know a lot of people like myself either, so having someone like you interact with me and just go all out on these little things and what we personally like about different parts of the so much fun. a lot of the other people I know irl feel like they just scratch the surface, they say things just to get credit for it and to appear like they know what they're talking about while ignoring all these other things that have such an impact, so it's amazing to have found someone else who looks at everything and anything like I do. my brain really is "a little bit of everything all of the time" so knowing you have so many different interests too is really cool. i am giving you an internet high five and pretending you aren't so far away.

I spent so much of my life being quiet when I had so many thoughts, so now that I have this kind of outlet I just! want to say everything I can! i want to look at everything from every perspective possible! the world is a huge collection of things tied together and I love following the strings to find the connected pieces! but I think that's a way of approaching the world not a lot of people share (I could be wrong), so it's really cool to hear you think my thought process is interesting!! my brain is practically composed entirely of questions. any subject at any time of the day and nearly all of my thoughts are just wanting to know more and trying to understand things, so having that opportunity to ask further questions and just learn things (about what other's thing, how things work, etc) is so much fun. you might've seen me ask some questions of other's in a few of the asks I answer, but those barely scratch the surface of just how many I have. my handle is in_quil_sitive (inquisitve) on nearly every social media platform (except for this one) for a reason.

I remember some of your asks from before the wings au was published, too. those were absolutely incredible, and I got a rush of excitement every time I saw you sent another. those were the the highlight of my week, too!! your enthusiasm and excitement for something I hadn't even posted yet gave me so much motivation to continue and you helped me think through so many future ideas and consider things from new perspectives. i know i specifically wrote that you inspired one chapter in the notes, but you've had an impact on every single chapter of this story/ it wouldn't be what it is without you, and I mean that with complete sincerity. you were the one who made me think "what if there was more" so I could make this au even better and work towards something bigger. I just have so many thoughts about everything all of the time, I can't go more than a few minutes without being distracted by a different train of thought, but knowing there was someone who would want to hear all the weird, disjointed ideas i'd strung together and composed into a more cohesive format was so cool. there's just so much to think about!!

I probably sound repetitive at this point but I love answering your asks because you're so receptive to the way i say things and it's like you're actually listening and want to hear what I specifically have to say, not just the general ideas. you want to know my unique, personalized opinions and perspectives and don't just dismiss them when they're not what you expect to hear or aren't generic. you're incredibly kind, too, I hope you know. I love the description of how I can "make even the most obscure subject infinitely more interesting than before." that is such a meaningful compliment to me. I just keep thinking about this line over and over again and it just...it really means a lot. because you're saying it's me that interests you and not just what I talk about. I could talk about anything and you'd still want to interact with me and that's so fucking nice. I hope you know the same goes for you. we can challenge each other's thinking together and make things even deeper and more complex before together <33.

thank you for being here and being my friend, pyro. talking to you is always one of the highlights of my day and gives me a very positive feeling that I carry around for a while. I do this thing sometimes where I film myself to later observe my behaviors in the middle of intense emotions to understand myself better (back to that whole analysis thing again), but it's not just negative things, it's also when I'm really excited or pleased with something and jumping around and stimming and all that, and some of those are from when I interact with you. that might sound a little weird but I mean it positively, as in talking with you makes me ecstatic.

I have said. so many things. so I will stop (for now). but I really appreciate having you in my life <33

[thewritingcoroner]

Absolutely no need for apologies! We are using the words "frustration" and "irritation" a lot, but to me, personally, I am not angry. In fact I really love hearing all of these inputs and ideas coming together to develop a discussion, your "wordy" opinion is very welcome! This got long so also putting a cut.

I think what you are getting at in your response is what Jax up top was getting to as well. We use more industry-related jargon, but I think we're observing the same trend: we are taking a social media/hustle/marketing attitude towards a space that we want to be a community.

As Jax put it, social media itself is no longer really suited for what we are describing/defining as "community." You bring up a great point about irl groups that I also see as a criticism of writeblr, though you describe it as a feature! You mention cliques, and discuss how that works as a subset of community that enhances the community experience. I hadn't considered this perspective and I thank you for bringing it up.

Here are my thoughts: writeblr already kind of functions like this! You see the most interaction on your dash from the same people interacting with each other. If that counts as a "clique" then yeah it makes sense that that's the majority of quality interaction, and I can see why it makes other writers feel alienated and lonely - bear with me, I'm drafting these thoughts as the dots connect. Jax brings up the idea of a general trend in society (irl and online) of people feeling more and more uncomfortable speaking up in group settings. It's hard to walk up to a group chatting at a dinner party and join the conversation. It takes practice - something a lot of younger people these days just simply aren't getting.

So when I see the "clique critique" I get a little surprised! Because I've never seen anyone ever say "you aren't welcome here" when a conversation starts up on writeblr. So when people complain about cliques, I wonder how much of that comes from social anxiety stemming from not knowing how to politely and charismatically insert yourself into a conversation happening publically.

I think I will still need time to mull over how the concept of set times and schedules properly develop an irl community, BUT I will say that we've been dancing around the same thing on this discussion too! I talk about observations and introspections to promote digital health, and I mentioned it somewhere I cannot recall, but social media boundaries are absolutely critical to feeling good about your social media experience! Jax does it with witching hours, a more structured method that a lot of us use I'm sure. You bring it up, and I do think that some of the frustration writers express on here that catalyzed these discussions may be due to poor digital boundaries. If you're feeling bad, you need to know exactly why. Interaction is the easy thing to point to, but it may also be something like this: I've spent all this energy creating something and fostering communication and sharing it with people I consider friends at the expense of other aspects of my health and I got nothing in return! That makes me feel bad. The problem there is not interaction or lack thereof or even necessarily effort to response ratio, it may be that the writer themselves are ignoring other aspects of their life in favor of something inherently draining, and then pointing to something that would have briefly made the self-neglect feel worth it.

You also make a distinction that I think the rest of us have failed to make, and it's worth exploring. The distinction between relationships online as readers and as fellow writers. It's the distinction between peer and consumer. I think you describe this very well, and I don't have much to add about that distinction. But I would challenge those following this conversation now to think about what Barbex mentions as "ideal interaction" - define that for yourself. What are you looking for out of writeblr? Then ask yourself in the new terms that we've come to: am I looking for readers (consumers) or am I looking for writers (peers)? And it is very important to be very honest with yourself about the answer to the last question. The expected, altruistic answer is: I'm looking for peers, to have meaningful human connections with! But I think a lot of us also want consumers, those who will spread content so that we can grow our consumer-base (industry calls this audience).

There is absolutely nothing wrong for wanting readers, but that's a whole different strategy and structure! And when it comes to vent posts expressing frustration with the community as a whole, I think the root problem of the feeling varies by individual. We're experiencing similar emotions (we're all human!) but for a lot of different reasons, and I think that post Jax made that took off and made a few people upset that expressed a solution to one of those problems maybe divided a little because we identified a common feeling and trend, and then offered a solution, but that solution only works for one root cause of the common feeling. it won't work for someone feeling the same way but for a different reason.

I done got frustrated

My desire to keep my opinions to myself managed to last most of the day. New record tbh.

So like I wrote this big long rant a couple of weeks ago and decided against sharing it while I was still frustrated. But I do feel like maybe there is a larger discussion to be had! I think it's important that we as a writeblr community really take a look at why so many of us are getting so frustrated so often and how we as a community and as individuals can work towards an actually community vs a corner of social media. @blind-the-winds did an excellent job of explaining some of what I'm seeing as well in relation to why a lot of positivity and support posts and such ring hollow to so many of us. I wanted to bring a slightly different perspective to things coming from a marketing/social media marketing background. Under the cut out of respect for everyone's dashboards lol

This is going to get INCREDIBLY LONG. So I have a read more here. Behold, the bitchfest.

So this started today when I was chatting with an irl friend and expressing my frustrations about writeblr in general as a community. And what I've recognized now is this: writeblr isn't really much of a community, and it is very rare to find other creators and writers who are willing to treat you (the hypothetical writer) as another human being with a love for the same craft they do. Those people who do treat you like people are some of the loveliest people I've found on the internet, but they are hard to find.

Now, to be clear, I don't think the problem is completely writeblr's fault, nor do I believe it is any one or two or five hundred individual's fault. The problem comes from a number of different sources, and my friend did a great job of helping me see the problem from a number of different perspectives.

The problem being this: it is impossible to get engagement on posts that feature original long-form writing, and it is exceedingly difficult to effectively foster meaningful connections with other writers.

Some disclaimers: it's not impossible, and the people who successfully receive engagement on their long-form writing tend to be the people who are the exceptions proving the rule. Also, by "engagement" I mean any interaction that serves to both consume the content and spread the content. "Original" writing refers to writing that is not fandom related, and "long-form" means 1k words or more.

Do you think 1k words is a little short for "long-form" writing? Me too. I'll get to that.

I'll start my explanation here with what catalyzed these revelations in my little head. Over night, I got quite a few new followers, all directly coming from a post that got mildly popular here on writeblr. So, I looked at what other posts of mine have been popular, and I started to notice a trend.

My most popular posts tend to fit into one of three categories: memes, tag games, and boost posts/recommendations. Memes tend to be popular because they're funny and easy to spread, and as long as they fit the theme, they don't ruin a blog's aesthetic. Tag games get more interaction because I am directly tagging people to see the post. But the popularity for those posts tend to stop at the half dozen to a dozen people tagged in each given post (the person or people tagging me, and the several people I tag to continue the game). The last category is most interesting to me, the boost posts and recommendations.

Here's the thing, I only boost or rec other writers and blogs if I have invested interest and care into the person behind the blog and their content. AKA, I only really boost friends and writers I admire/like their content. It's great to see that those posts get popular with people outside my circle, but out of those three categories, none of them feature my own content.

Why is that?

It seems like every day I see a new post with a few thousand notes at least complaining about a lack of interaction on writeblr and the importance of reblogs and blah blah I rarely stop to read those let alone spread them. And a few dots connected, I think.

If my content isn't getting interaction, and your content isn't getting interaction, then what is? And I think the answer is this: memes, advice, and boosts.

Memes and advice are self-explanatory. But boosts are interesting because you will see everyone hop on to rec other people or more frequently market themselves, but they stop there. And I see my greatest influx of interaction and new followers when I boost other people's works or blogs.

My conclusion is that many people are using writeblr as a hustle and not a community. In a community we engage with each other, talk to each other, enjoy each other's company. And I've found many mutuals to be very lovely people who I do enjoy and who I love to engage with and who I like to genuinely call my friends. I like a lot of yall for different reasons too! Some of you are great hype buddies, some of yall are all about that accountability buddy system, and I really love when I get to have intellectual conversations about the craft and different concepts with different members of writeblr too.

But largely, I find that a lot of people who engage once with my blog, usually on those boost posts, or who ask for engagement more frequently than when frustration strikes, tend to be the people who think of writeblr as a hustle. They see that I (and many other writers) will boost and rec our friends, and jump on that bandwagon, but instead of putting in the effort to get to know us and our work, they say what needs to be said, hop on trends, and avoid any genuine connection.

So what gives?

It's not the individual writers, I think. It's the nature of social media, marketing, and the medium.

Listen, I work in marketing, and long-form writing is a dying art that is very difficult to market. I genuinely think the concept of "tldr" really ruined a lot of people's ability to engage with longer form writing. Whether that be nonfiction opinion posts or actual fiction. Tumblr is one of the only places I can think of where long-form writing is a feasible medium to post at all, let alone gain a following for.

Think about it: instagram is best suited for images, videos, and short-form aestheticized poetry. Twitter has a character limit that requires long threads of individual tweets or images to get your message across. Pitch events are well-suited for twitter because your pitch by definition needs to be short. But sharing actual summaries, snippets, or excerpts? Not really possible. Tiktok is for videos, which as we know can be utilized, but is not the most efficient method of marketing written word. Ao3 is an archive with an excellent tagging system, but to get readers, outside marketing is required. Facebook requires a real name, and isn't really well suited for content creation either. Wattpad, Royal Road, and others are great for posting actual works, but they don't necessarily have well-functioning tag systems that help the author find their audience. That really just leaves Tumblr. Pillowfort is also an option, though it's still so in the beginning phase of development that it's pretty difficult to get started there.

It's well known in marketing that images and videos catch attention and long paragraphs of text (AKA what most prose looks like) tend to be scrolled past. The very nature of the long-form writing medium is against most marketing techniques. Marketing long-form writing needs to look different from any other medium.

All that being said: the culture of social media engagement has shifted, and this is a conversation that fandom has been having and I think has actually been doing well discussing the different facets of how the culture has shifted. Fandom (and content creation in general) is seen as a commodity to be consumed. Consumers want to see the content, maybe save it for later, and then move on to the next piece. This is easily done with visual mediums, but writing mediums are especially vulnerable to this culture shift because it does require so much time and energy to consume, let alone engage.

Creators don't see their work as a commodity to be consumed, but it is now. When consumers view a piece of visual media, they view the image (consume it) and then move to the next, some will spread it to others by engaging with the picture through reblogs or sending the post to someone else. But most often, there will be a "like" to tell the creator good job, and then scroll to the next. This is harder to do with written media unless one has the time and energy to read the piece. There's the extra step of critical thought.

To put it a different way, the market is flooded with content and creators. With so much to choose from, the consumer now does not have to participate in the community to ensure continued creation. There will be another creator tomorrow. The consumer no longer feels connected to a community of their interests, it is simply being sold to them.

So back to writeblr, this is where I am at a crossroads. I am tired of creating content to be consumed, I want community. But also, I have nowhere else to turn. I can either completely withdraw from what sliver of community I have found, or I can keep trucking along, create my stuff, play the games we play, chat with the people I do like and do care about, and hope that I don't get too frustrated one day and leave for good.

[ruakichan]

Self-vent ahead!

I hate being “a creative.”

I’ve been drawing for about thirty years, most of that in fandom, and it’s utterly, hopelessly de-motivating to see that nothing has actually come from all that time. (Is this my mid-life crisis lol?)  No improvement, no following, I couldn’t even make money off my work if I tried (still living off my savings right now, for those that are aware I quit my job during the rona shutdown), no sense of lingering pride or accomplishment when I manage to squash down the loathing enough to finish a piece. I’ve watched my artist friends rightfully gain traction and blossom, while I shrivel.

All those pretty little puff pieces you see about how “work hard to improve!” have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be in the stratum known as complete banal mediocrity. You hit a wall that no amount of “working hard” can overcome: the wall that separates the talented from the hacks.

And squished right against that wall are the mediocre: good but not good enough. Only noticed because maybe they fill some niche until someone better comes along. They throw themselves against that wall in hopes of overcoming it, but never look up to see how high it really is.

A bad artist will always improve. A mediocre one just suffers diminishing returns.

My best friend, with good intentions, got me a very nice Cintiq for Christmas. He spent a lot of money he really shouldn’t have. He’s a “creative” too, so he understood some of what I was going through, and thought this would cheer me up, give me a boost. Thought maybe it was my outdated tools (over a decade old) was holding me back.

I accepted it because he was very proud of his grand gesture, but I wish he didn’t. I feel obligated to use it, to draw, to be continually disappointed, to continue to disappoint others. And on the rare occasion I do something I am pleased with the final product of, I hate it so, so very much the next day, and the masses agree, as the reception is silent.

Being an artist inherently has a streak of exhibitionism: what you draw is a reflection of your thoughts and perception of the subject matter, and when you post it publicly, you are asking for validation of that image.  Being able to appeal to a broad spectrum of people is a talent on its own: any popular meme or illustration becomes that way because people go, “yes, I can relate!” in some fashion. Empathy is incredibly important in any creative work.

But when the reception is silent, it’s hard to tell where it is you failed: the subject matter? the appeal? the skill level? everything? Do I fail at connecting with people despite being able to do it very well IRL? Is my art style just that unattractive? Is it my skill level, flat and uninspiring?

I know what I hate about my work (everything), but I don’t know what causes others to recoil from it, except to maybe give a pitying glance over but not enough to go ‘yes, I can relate!” and share it with others. So I can only assume it’s for the same reasons why I hate it: everything.

Perhaps my loathing for my art comes through in the image, which in turn elicits a similar reaction in others. I feel ‘this is ugly’ and others pick up on that and react in kind.  There’s something to be said about how people can pick up on your body language and confidence in face-to-face conversation; perhaps this is the same with art. But what about the work I do that I’m proud of, which gets even less reception?

During the initial drawing process, I do very much love art. I do like the act of ‘creating.’ I’m happiest during this point; I like brainstorming or daydreaming, doodling and laughing at my own bad jokes. But the longer I stay with a piece of work, the more critically I look at it, and the more ashamed I am of wasting my time with something that no one can love, not even me. There’s a lot of work I just never finished; there’s a lot of work I just flat out deleted from existence. I’ve been trying not to do this; try to at least post something, finish something, acknowledge that even flawed things have merit, but holy hell, it gets so depressing seeing these malformed things out there in the wild, even if no one else sees them.

When I was first starting out, I didn’t have these sort of thoughts, eagerly, lovingly drawing, proud of every single doodle, sharing them with anyone that would cast a glance my way.  When you’re fresh and naive, you don’t realize how personal art is until you get rejected enough to start to become self-aware of your own flaws: like how children can be so unabashedly carefree while adults are acutely self-conscious.

Lately, I hate admitting I draw. I don’t like sharing my art freely. Even the brief moment I got validated—being a winner in some contest for some game—I immediately wished I could take that image away so people wouldn’t see it cause I threw it together to get the participation prize.  “This isn’t representative of what I can do!”  ... but maybe it is.  After all, it won, where others I labored over haven’t.

Social media definitely hasn’t helped in this day and age, where you’re aggressively bombarded with how well you succeeded or failed.  I shut down my Twitter for this reason; it was absolutely soul-crushing to see anything I do die in the ether, because I wasn’t good enough. All these followers, but no response?   It’s better just to hide them under the bed, than look at your own failures.

So now I spend a lot of time going “why bother” when it comes to creative endeavors as I try to come to some final acceptance of my own mediocrity.

Why bother?

The images are prettier in my head.  They don’t need to be realized because I can’t convey them in a worthy manner that people would want to see. If after nearly 3 decades, I haven’t been able to surmount that wall, I need to accept that this is the end of the road.

Why bother indeed? There are many more talented, able artists to provide beautiful works.  I want to freely consume them without thinking about where I failed.  I can only look at art in areas I don’t draw in; it’s the only way I don’t immediately want to break my own hands.

Anyway, long vent, but it’s been building up since I got that Cintiq. I don’t talk about this much because people hate hearing about it. They don’t want to see your anxieties.  You have to be *~strong~* and *~confident~* as an artist, and it’s “”””””cringe””””””” to have any doubts about yourself. They don’t want to see “I’m not happy with this, but here it is” attached to something you did. They call it “fishing for compliments,” without realizing there’s a lot of baggage attached to a lot of artwork that they, as the viewer, don’t see.

That when artists post art, they are literally putting themselves up on display. They wonder where they can improve in their work, they wonder about the reaction to their art.  These things don’t exist in a vacuum, independent of each other.  Art is inherently exhibitionist.

It’s why I’m the least suited for it, and I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to go collect stamps or something. What a waste of a life.

[lookbluesoup]

I’ve seen a lot of talk about anti anti culture lately and an emphasis on canceling people who write stories where bad things happen (i.e., rape, molestation, abuse). I’m really interested in facilitating a positive, open space here on my blog. So sharing my personal opinion about this at all is something I thought about for a while, and my hope is that it offers a helpful perspective as well as solidarity to people who use fiction the same way as me.

It’s not directed at anyone in particular or any event in particular. The tl;dr version is – people should always have a choice, they should be allowed to read or choose not to read, they should be allowed to write and share or choose not to write or share. Taking that choice away from people ultimately hurts survivors by making topics taboo and forcing everyone to fit a specific moral narrative for their pain or experiences to be valid.

Trigger Warnings: Rape, abuse, cancel culture, child molestation, depression, suicide, dogmatic religion, homophobia

1. These things DO happen in real life, and yes, they are harmful, and yes, reading about them can be triggering. Fully, completely acknowledge all of these things and have experienced my share of it firsthand.

2. People should be allowed to know before they get invested in a story whether triggers might be present so that they can choose to avoid it if they want to. It is their choice, and responsibility to decide not to read something that is appropriately tagged. (And please, please tag appropriately!)

3. Being interested in reading about dark subjects does not make a person evil. Somewhere between 31-57 percent of women admit to having rape fantasies. (x) That does not mean women want to be raped in real life. It does not mean that half the population of women are perverted degenerates. Reading fiction, like indulging in our fantasies, is a safe place to explore and enjoy sensations, dramas, and experiences we still don’t want in real life.

In less touchy examples - I love reading about gladiator arena battles! I love playing apocalyptic games where monsters jump out of the dark and scare the shit out of me! I do not want gladiator rings or to live in an apocalypse in real life! That doesn’t mean my interest in these stories or games condones them in real life. It doesn’t mean I think it was right that Rome irl forced slaves to fight to the death for entertainment.

4. I grew up in an environment without grey areas. The dogmatic Bible-beating hatemongering kind. Someone was good and did everything right according to my beliefs and worldview, or someone was bad and a direct threat to me. If I did something wrong, I had to punish myself physically and emotionally to make up for not being perfect. I was taught to despise myself. My parents believed there was only one correct way to view any situation - their way. I was petrified of punishment and learned that it wasn’t even worth trying to do better or accommodate someone else’s experiences because I would never measure up and would be condemned for doing something that wasn’t perfect. That is immensely, cripplingly harmful to an individual and to society. Cancel culture does the same thing. It excommunicates people who aren’t pure and allows others to get by with abuse because they are ‘teaching’ or an ‘authority on morality’ – and guess what? Nobody is pure. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and we are all learning. None of us have moral authority.

We cannot build a healthy, inclusive society if we are unsafe. We cannot be safe if we are not allowed to first admit that we ALL make mistakes and have prejudices that we can improve on. So we need to be kind and nonjudgmental whenever we have the chance to be. And we have to accept and respect that what’s fun or helpful or healing for us might be the opposite for someone else, or vice versa. Which is okay if we are respectful of each other’s boundaries and don’t try to force a way of being onto someone else without their consent.

5. With regard to writing, this means that people need to be allowed to explore difficult, even painful topics if they wish to. Even for fun. Even if someone else might not want or need to explore those same topics. That doesn’t make either person inherently evil or wrong. It just means we all have different needs and wants and diversity is normal. 

As a serious example, as someone who was molested by a teenage neighbor as a child, I can guarantee you that the fact these topics were considered so disgusting and taboo by society made it very difficult for me to cope. It was not my fault, and I’ve healed from it, but when it happened I didn’t even understand what was going on, and the guilt and self-blame that followed me for years afterward were almost crippling. So yes – what happened to me in real life was wrong, inexcusable behavior. But censorship did not protect me. First it made me ignorant and vulnerable to manipulation, and then it made me feel dirty, disgusting, and isolated. 

What I needed was a safe avenue to talk about it and the thoughts and sensations it stirred up, in order to heal. I needed to know it was okay to have automatic thoughts – they were a result of fear and trauma or even just being human, not a moral failing on my part. I needed to actually talk about and explore what I had felt openly, and how that related to the rest of my life, before I could move past it and have a healthy view of intimate acts that weren’t soaked in guilt and self-loathing.

I read a book after that happened, set in ancient Rome, where pederasty took place. And the victim was allowed to admit that he’d enjoyed some of what had happened to him while enslaved, and was then assured that even though he didn’t hate everything that he experienced, it didn’t make him to blame, nor his abuser right, and those thoughts/feelings did not define him or his morality. That has been immensely healing to me – but this ‘grey’ exploration of a topic is not compatible with mainstream cancel culture.

Or alternatively, I watched the series 13 Reasons Why. I hated it. It felt like nothing but shock value entertainment and not a respectful management of topics like suicide that were very, VERY real to me. Except for someone else I knew who had also struggled with suicidal thoughts and impulses, 13 Reasons Why was immensely validating. They were glad that a series showed such graphic representation of these events in a way that couldn’t be ignored or brushed over. What had been hurtful to me, was empowering to them.

I believe it is not mine, or anyone else’s place, to decide that a piece of media should be across the board banned because of what it might do. Because while some of us share traumas, we still each have different experiences, needs, and healing processes.

Such strict censorship allows for only victims who meet a certain “standard” to receive care and healing. The rest are left to suffer or are even punished further.

All of us have gone through life with vastly different levels of privilege, opportunity, expectations, etc, which leads to vastly different interpretations of the world, none of which are 100% correct or true.

6. Cancel culture hurts LGBTQ+ rights. I’m neither straight or cis, and I might never have learned that if I hadn’t been able to build friendships outside of my social circle who allowed me to integrate and ask questions without being obligated to agree with them. Where I grew up, there was immense prejudice against gay people. My cousin was disowned and disinherited for coming out. I was sheltered from anyone who might argue for gay rights, and discouraged from looking at or being curious of the deep south’s version of ‘problematic.’ That’s what I was taught – to be uncomfortable toward, judgmental, and condemning. If I had been on tumblr during those years and gotten ‘cancelled’ I would have been even more suspicious and condemning of Others, and even more determined that my way was the only right one. I specifically avoided tumblr social circles because I ‘knew’ they hated ‘people like me.’ It’s not exclusive. This trend where people become even more convinced to pick an opposing side because the Other person is being hateful is one of the first things they teach you in social psychology. 

The kind of intolerance that goes with mobbing people for saying anything they consider problematic at all is the same cruelty that makes me unable to tell my parents I identify as agender or pan. It’s what gets women stoned to death and gays beheaded. It’s not moral. 

What changed my point of view was friendships. One of my friends came out as gay and my world turned upside down because here was someone that didn’t match any of the stereotypes I’d been taught to fear. He wasn’t hateful or condemning of me, he was one of the most thoughtful and peaceful people I knew. That is what started to change things for me, and made it safe for me to explore other ways of thinking and interpretations of scripture. Because I cared about him more than I needed to be right.

7. Nobody is obligated to interact with someone who is being violent or hateful to them. You’re not even obligated to interact with someone you disagree with, if the topic is too painful or you simply don’t want to talk about it. Keep yourselves safe. But within the world of writing, live and let live. If someone posts a story you don’t like, and they’ve tagged it appropriately, please, please consider that your experience is not universal. You have the choice not to read that story. Someone else might need to read it. Let them, and don’t shame them for it.