#still not sure what to call my speech issue ahhhh am i just selective mutism? that is all the time and not just selective?

[autisticlee]

try to follow scripts so I can try to say the "appropriate" things so I dont upset the wrong people, but i'm actually really bad at following scripts. I wish I was better at it. I know you're supposed to say please, thank you, excuse me, etc. all those polite manners thing. answer "good and you?" to "how are you" and things like that. but I just simply can't say these things 99% of the time and don't know why!!!!! try so hard!!! hurts me to try. and hurts even more when i fail and get treated horribly because of it. sometimes think I said things but no one heard so can't tell if said it but too quiet or not at all!!!! can't "speak up" when asked and people get very angry.

I was bullied by kids and adults both growing up because of it. friends parents banned me from being their friend for it. friends parents yelled at me for being "rude and disrespectful" to them and banned me from ever going to their house to play or go places with them. my parents punished me after every interaction I had with another person because I didn't perform social interaction correctly. because adults complained about me being rude and disrespectful. because kids parents apparently bullied my parents for raising such a "horrible/evil/disrespectful/rude/etc" child because I wouldn't talk to them or their kids. and their kids whined and bullied me and it was my fault. got bullied because I couldn't ask for help or defend myself. teachers punished me. then called my parents who punished me again at home. teachers kept me from eating lunch because I wasn't allowed to leave until I said a word to them (I didn't). teachers sent me to school counselor who did ABA type thing to me. didn't work. adults watched as kids did bad stuff to me and didn't help because I couldn't ask so they think it's fine and I don't want/need help or deserve it.

I was just a small child and no one cared that I struggled so much because they only saw me as bad and evil because i couldn't talk!!! it was so scary and frustrating. no one ask me how I felt and figure out why I couldn't talk. or in their eyes "wouldn't" as if I had choice. they made me think I was choosing not talking and i beat myself up for not figuring out how choose to talk. I could never follow scripts I was taught no matter how many times was told what to say and told how important it is.

to this day I still can't follow these scripts right. cant get a job because I can barely say words at interviews. I have no friends because I cant talk to strangers to make them. cant make or answer important phone calls and will got years without important medication or doctor appointments. can never ask for help when have bad things happen in public places alone. online friends I meet irl stop talking to me because they think i'm too awkward and quiet. strangers scream and threatened me and treat me bad or won't help me because I cant say words. still struggle to say things "required" to not be "rude" and to be treated with respect by others. it's so hard. i'm so tired. I wish to have a pass to not be expected to speak and have struggle or other form of communication respected. the way people treat those who can't speak and struggle to speak is horrible and needs to change. we aren't being rude and disrespectful! we aren't not talking on purpose!!! stop assuming and being rude and disrespectful to US!!!!!