#just gonna keep going on but maybe reduce my social media time a bit ^-^

[dwtdog]

.

[leidensygdom]

Ok, I'm gonna start a post idea I had been pondering. If you're either mentally or physically disabled and you have opinions about representation, this is the thread for you!

So, I've been seeing more people trying to tackle the topic of autism in their stories, but I've felt some of it tries to woobify a bit what is to live with autism, or just focus on the more socially acceptable quirks of it. And as someone with autism/ADHD (was suspected of it for most of my life, got it finally diagnosed by my therapist (who specializes in autism and ADHD) last year), sometimes I'd like for people to acknowledge the more unsavoury parts of it, the weird quirks, etc.

So, this post is going to be about that- If you wanna help people understand how your disability/neurodivergency affects your life, feel free to add to it! Just mention what do you have (no need for a full list, just what you consider relevant to the post) and some experiences, quirks, anecdotes or such that you think that are not often seen in stories or media, and that you consider an important part of it. They don't need to be huge things! I encourage people to share just whatever they feel comfortable. My list is gonna be a mix of stuff, but yours can be very different. Let me start!

Clothes and how they feel was surprisingly one of the most disruptive parts of my autism. As a kid, if I was forced to wear something that caused me some bad texture/sensitivity issues, it would significantly affect my behaviour and performance. It took me many years to be allowed to use mostly sportswear. (And it turns out being a "girl" (not anymore) wearing only sportswear tends to cause a whole lot of bullying)

This happens even nowadays. I've found out that non-heeled boots are more comfortable to me than sport shoes, because feeling something against the back of my foot makes me feel overwhelmed. I tend to wear yoga pants under actual pants, because they keep the actual pants' seams from causing sensory issues. There's almost a sort of ritual on how do I need to combine clothes to be able to function "normally", mostly consisting on reducing how much they annoy me.

On that topic, hygiene is actually a huge thing too. As a kid, I wasn't allowed to shower daily. Days I didn't shower, no matter how much I tried to keep my hygiene in other days, were "bad days" to me. I would literally plan hanging out with friends or eating out around the days I was allowed to shower. I could physically feel the difference between the day I showered and the day I didn't (even if I washed my face, armpits, used the bidet, etc).

This is true even nowadays. I can thankfully now shower daily, which isn't recommended by a lot of experts (specially because it can damage your hair and skin), but it's more worth to me than having days where I feel like I shouldn't be seen in public.

Being overwhelmed sucks! Meltdowns are mostly associated with kids, mostly because adults either learn to mask them, or do everything they can to AVOID having that meltdown. I've mostly figured out routines and such. There's this one place we go eat out every other Tuesday- And in the hours we go in, there's a sort of silent corner that is always free. This week's schedule was a mess, so we went yesterday to that same place, and the silent corner was filled with a very loud group. I got extremely overwhelmed. But enough masking drilled to me means I just sat there unable to talk for maybe 30 minutes.

Autistic adults still do have autism and experience often the full spread of traits, they've just found ways to mask, or avoid being in situations where they do need to do that. I've adapted my life and routine to that. But sometimes I land on situations out of my comfort zone that will make me feel just like when I was a kid. I want to freelance online because I'm fully aware I can't perform properly in a public facing job.

Group projects sucked so much. I know they suck for most people, but most times it was easier for me to do the entirety of the project by myself and add the others' names to it than dealing with chasing people for their parts. My college had a 6-months-long massive group project in the last year, with a 7 people group, which obviously I couldn't do alone. The whole experience was so harmful in so many ways I've had several full therapy sessions talking about it :'')

One of the reasons it's because mental flexibility is HARD with autism. If i set a schedule, I expect that schedule to be followed. If people agree to do a part, I expect that part to be delivered (unless there's a proper reason) on due time. People hate this a lot usually! It will tear group projects apart!

Stimming can be harmless, or it can be very annoying to some. I tend to shake legs and play with something in my hands. I could easy this off drawing in classes- My high school found out that I was paying more attention when I was allowed to draw in classes, and my academic performance was pretty much perfect, so they gave me permission to do that.

However, I had a teacher in middle school that did forbid me from drawing. I stimmed during a class with pens- She got so mad she sent me home with a note to my parents they had to sign. Fun!

Not exactly an anecdote, but I am ace. I hate the discourse about "making an autistic person be aro or ace is infantilizing autism". Aro/ace people can have autism. That's just how it is. I've been infantilized a lot for being ace- Which only got worse because I am autistic, and people perceived some of my special interests as child-ish. The combo didn't make things easy.

On that topic, people will often be very patronizing of your opinions or takes for being autistic. I've had people debate my sexuality (or lack of thereof), my gender identity and presentation, my hobbies, my preferences for everything, down to "what do you want to eat tonight?". This isn't too different to shitty takes about how "autistic people are more prone to being affected by the trans activistsTM", because people assume autistic people can't choose on their own. Trust me: We can.

Anyhow, I'd love if this post could be a good compilation of these sort of anecdotes! I think it could help people who wanna learn more about what is it to live with specific disabilities (and how to better portray them in media)

[rydrake6]

I'm setting limits for how many youtube videos I watch in a day because I spend a disturbing amount of time watching stuff.

You never really realize how dependant you are on something until you decide to cut back on it. I'm trying to cut back on the time I spend on youtube by limiting the amount of videos I'm allowed to watch in a day, and I'm so freaking bored now that I've exhausted the limit. Like, what else is there to do in the dead of night if not watch video after video? I know it's for the best though. The first limit I set was 64 videos a day. I watched like, up to 57 or so videos. But it really put into perspective just how much time I've been spending every day just watching youtube videos. Like, if I say my average amount of youtube videos I watch in a day is somewhere around 55, then that means that I watch 385 videos per week and 1,650 videos per month on average. Some of the videos are short, sure. But that's a disturbing amount of videos I watch on an estimated average. That is an unsettling amount of time I waste just watching video after video on youtube.

It really puts into perspective just how much youtube controls my life. I'm hoping that by cutting back, maybe the internet won't be such a large portion of my life. I've seen all of this stuff about how the internet used to be vs how it is today. I bet back when the internet was in it's infancy, tech addiction wasn't such a big thing. But then people started specifically engineering things like apps and social media websites specifically to be addictive.

I'm hoping that weening myself off of constant consumption can allow me to have a healthier relationship with using internet and that at some point in my day, I'll be done with it. I don't really have any other social medias that I use outside of youtube and tumblr. I've got discord, but I'm not really active on there. I made a reddit account once, but I never posted on it and if I ever feel like doing so I'm probably gonna delete it. I used to have a twitter, but it fucked up my brain chemistry so badly that I'm still dealing with some of the effects to this day(Side note: Do not make a twitter account under any circumstances. It's not worth it. Especially post Elon Musk buying it). And I don't think I'd ever consider getting a tiktok, instagram, or any other type of social media. So Youtube's really the main, if not the only, source of this.

I'm also hoping that less time spent doom scrolling will help me to work on other stuff I want to/have to work on. I've got game dev goals for this year that I've gotta work on and I want to try my best to get as close to meeting them as I can before the year ends. Also, I haven't really been talking about it too much lately, but I've got a show I'm working on that I think I can actually make. I'm not gonna reveal too much about it though, but I've already composed an opening theme and made a reference sheet for one of the characters. I'm a bit hesitant to announce something like that though because 1, I'm afraid I might lose interest like all the other times I've announced that I'm gonna make a thing, and 2, it's still in the very early stages of development. Somewhere along the line I kind of realized that I need to start small before I go for the big projects.

Anyways though, my point is that less time watching absurd amounts of youtube videos = more time for creativity. If anyone else wants to try this, all you have to do is pick a number that you think is close or somewhat less than the amount of videos you watch. If it feels like it's regular for you, then at the end of the day, reduce the limit. It's also important that you keep count of how many videos you watch and stop watching when you've reached the limit. (I keep count using tally marks on a whiteboard, but you could use anything that works.)

It's normal to feel a bit of discomfort after reaching your limit, your brain is addicted to the endless flow of dopamine and once you stop, it's going to be like "Hey where's my dopamine?" You're probably also gonna feel the urge to watch another video and go past your limit. Try to resist that urge.

After you've reached your daily limit, don't watch any more videos unless you have to watch them to do something. Like for example, tutorials are fine so long as you're going along with them and doing the thing the tutorial is teaching you how to do. If you have to watch a video for school or something, then that's also fine. It's okay to make exceptions that don't count, but make sure that those exceptions are reasonable. I'd recommend that videos that were sent to you by friends or family, tutorials, or music are ones that you don't have to mark down. You can set your own rules, but try not to make it so that you're just watching tutorial after tutorial. Like, if you've reached the daily limit and you're watching a baking tutorial, bake the thing along with it. I've been rambling so I'm just gonna assume that you get the point by now.

I do this with Youtube, but you can probably try it for other social medias as well to break your doom scrolling cycle. Like, limit the number of posts you scroll past on tiktok or twitter or something. Basically just make rules for yourself that restrict your time on the apps. It's not gonna feel good, it'll probably be stressful, but it's worth it.

[corrodedcoughin]

hi anna i hope you're doing well <3 i wanted to share a bit about my experience with burn out from your recent post. last year I was attending school and a lot of big moments were happening in my personal life. all of that plus the workload, commute, etc. left me feeling burnt out to the point of severe depression :/ your body is constantly tired and you just feel empty regardless of how your try to surround yourself with good things. could be people or food or music or a show but once you feel utterly wrung out, it's hard to feel much of anything else. i know for me it kind of manifested in unhealthy habits to just kind of quickly get through the day, a shot sleep schedule, and for me to start obsessing over little crap that really wasn't all that important. all my time was being used to work or overthink myself into a panic and it just made me feel completely isolated from family, friends, peers, and i left that term feeling stupid and useless.

the best way i try to go around my burnout is for one, to not push myself through it. yeah it all seems hopeless now but is my problem today gonna be the same in a month? a year? i try to think outside the present moment because sometims you might not even realize you have tunnel vision until you actually get out of the tunnel.

my hobbies are still gonna be there when i want to enjoy them but my body and health are what need to be my first priority. a lot of my hobbies were related to tumblr/ao3 or just being online in general so I decided to quit. for around three months I stayed off my socials and deleted apps like tiktok and instagram and decided to stick to the least attention grabbing apps i like. even then i made an effort to stay off my phone as long as i could. it may sound kinda dumb but lowering screentime actually really does help reduce anxiety and i find i don't miss those apps at all.

and for me my burnout was largely being caused from school and I realized that this wasn't the right path for me at all. so i quit because nothing, no matter how seemingly important, should make me feel so horrible. I mean it's not even sadness or exhaustion it's emptiness. you feel nothing and everything and it aches and you just end up ruining all the good things you have by trying to ignore it and push through.

another thing that helped was finding stuff for me to do in my personal life whether that was getting a new job, cleaning the house, cooking a meal, or finding a new love for movies. I prioritized myself and i feel good. It took me about 6 months but I got there and it's worth it. I don't feel isolated or as exhuasted as before and life feels good again, my hobbies feel good again.

I hope you know you're not alone when it comes to feeling this way and i hope you take care 💌 happy easter or just have a happy april

Hello! I’m going to put a bunch of stuff under a read more but before I do that I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for taking the time to even notice/read the things i posted and then writing this. I’m so, so glad that you are feeling better now and that you were able to do that for yourself. It sounds like you really figured out what you needed and it worked and knowing that it does work is so reassuring. So just thank you. For being kind to me and to yourself and sharing. I’m so glad you are here and if you ever want to talk be it silly or serious, my dms are always open.

You are so completely right about social media. I’ve had Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat deleted for a couple of years now. Covid pushed me over the edge with them and the relief of not having them there anymore is incredible. I have tiktok but go on it maybe for a week straight then don’t touch it for a few months. Idk it’s not great at holding my interest.

But yeah tumblr has been a bit of a difficulty for me, hence the dropping out for days at a time. Keeping up with things/engaging and needing to do it ‘right’ is so much more mentally straining than you realise until it’s just one more thing to push you over the edge. Even when I wasn’t replying to messages/asks I would be online trying to keep at track of things so I could ‘do my reblogging duty right’ when I eventually did feel good enough mentally to come back and it’s so STUPID. like!!! Nobody cares if I interact with their posts!! Nobody!!! I just internalised and spiralled a bunch of things from other parts of my life into here too!

Work has been really bad for at least six months now and it’s so hard. Then self doubt over looking into Autism and other mental health stuff as well as gender and trying to keep up with the gym and step targets and feeling bad for not being social every single hour of my day like my very extroverted brother has just really pushed me down into a hole. You don’t realise how many things are going on until they smack you over like a wave and then it’s like ‘oh boy, I can’t get up. And I don’t want to because I’ll just be pushed down again’

Eventually I started just taking my car down to the sea and reading a physical book instead of being online. It’s helped. It’s not sorted things but it’s helped.

My hobbies are primarily online too so I have an idea of where you are coming from, won’t say I understand because everyone is different but I get it. The temptation really IS to push through. I actually said to my only coworker ‘I just need to make it to the end of April. Then I can think about getting signed off if I /really/ need to but I won’t. It’ll be fine’ I don’t know why!! The job doesn’t care back!

I won’t bore you with all the details but it’s been Wild and knowing that you got through the other side is genuinely a light at the end of the tunnel. So thank you for sharing your experience. School is so hard, the first time I went I had to leave for mental health reasons or face hospital admission. I mean it when I say I’m so proud of you for making that decision. Truly. I wish you nothing but ease for the next section of your life, you deserve it. I hope you’ve found a new favourite movie or genre or just general joy in the new hobby! Would love to hear more about that or absolutely anything you have to say, your words are very easy to read and hold a lot of happiness in them. Thank you again and good luck with your new job if you have one or the search if you are looking!

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Infodump/Long Post: Caffeine, Sugar, Dopamine, & ADHD

Hi. I’m Nico. I don’t usually infodump on here but Aiden did before & fellow neurodivergent people seemed to enjoy seeing nd centered content, & people gave him a lot of attention, so…

Here goes I guess. I hope y’all like it.

It’s gonna be a bit long but I found it fascinating so—

So first important thing is, this is based on research studies I found & theories I know, as well as my own observations, & may not be absolutely perfect because of that. But for the purpose of sharing information I’m going to tell you the theories & findings & build from there. Just bear in mind these aren’t set in stone & knowledge could change in the future - this is based on recent/current findings & understanding.

((& I don't want any arguing about the theories, the existence of ADHD, the addictive nature of caffeine/sugar (that's not the central topic here), or the way I formatted this in replies/reblogs please))

——

So many of you may know that ADHDers are affected differently by caffeine (coffee) than non-ADHDers (& neurotypicals). It’s actually been so consistent that I can tell if someone is ADHD or not based on their reaction to coffee - even before they’re diagnosed. It’s generally accepted that stimulants affect ADHDers differently. Coffee/caffeine usually puts ADHDers to sleep, or makes them drowsy, or makes them very focused, & it’s sometimes baffling as an ADHDer that some people can drink coffee to feel energized & jittery (it feels like a lie sometimes). That’s not to say that people who aren’t put to sleep by caffeine can’t have ADHD, but it’s very common to be put to sleep/calmed down by coffee.

Based on my personal experience with coffee, I’ve had a 20 ounce black coffee put me to sleep for four hours. I also, just yesterday, had a 20oz sugared latte & ended up hyperfocusing on this (topic of infodump), rewriting an intro template we made around a year ago, & writing stories (a special interest of mine) for around 6-8 hours total.

Now I think I might know why.

So I suspected the other day that maybe it had something to do with dopamine, & I did some research on how caffeine affects the brain. But because I also know sugared coffee (e.g. syrup-flavoured lattes, which is what I prefer) seem to have a different affect (especially depending on how much sugar you use), I looked into how sugar affects the brain too.

——

This is gonna use a few technical terms so I’ll explain them first for anyone who doesn’t know—

Adrenaline/Epinephrine: “A hormone your body can release (especially when you’re under stress) that increases blood circulation rate (quickens heart beat, strengthens force of heart’s contractions), breathing speed, & carbohydrate metabolism, & prepares your muscles to be used. It’s part of the human ‘fight or flight’ response to fear, panic, or perceived threat. An adrenaline rush can feel like anxiousness, nervousness, or pure excitement as your body & mind prepare for an event.”

Adrenaline Simplified - It gives you heightened energy, excitement, strength, & alertness, & a lot of it will make you jittery, anxious, or panicky.

Serotonin: A neurotransmitter compound which constricts the blood vessels and acts as a neurotransmitter. It’s responsible for influencing/stabilizing mood, feelings of well-being & happiness, cognition, reward, learning, memory, & numerous physiological processes (nausea & vasoconstriction (narrowing (constriction) of blood vessels by small muscles in their walls to slow blood flow)).

Serotonin Simplified - reduces depression, regulates anxiety, heals wounds, stimulates nausea, maintains bone health, helps with sleeping, eating, & digesting, & regulates happiness, well-being, & mood stability; it’s a soother & a happy chemical. A lot of it will make you extremely energetic & jittery.

Dopamine: “A neurotransmitter compound. When dopamine is released in large amounts, it creates feelings of pleasure (happiness, achievement) & reward, which motivates you to repeat specific behaviours; low levels of dopamine are linked to reduced motivation & decreased enthusiasm for things that would excite most people. It controls mental & emotional responses but also motor (physical) reactions. Known for being the “happy hormone”; responsible for the experience of happiness. The anticipation of most types of rewards typically increases the level of dopamine in the brain (anticipatory pleasure), & then you get a larger dose later when you get the reward.”

Dopamine Simplified - It’s your happiness/pleasure response to achievements, rewards, praise, etc. It functions as both motivation & reward, & when it’s functioning properly it’s what keeps you focused on tasks until they’re done.

Residual Dopamine: Dopamine that’s “floating” around in your brain, ready to be deployed as needed to motivate you & help you get through less fun tasks.

Temporary Dopamine: Dopamine that you get as a reward from things like beating a level in a video game, winning the lottery, etc. (accomplishments); is released after an accomplishment or event is over.

Note that typically, these chemicals (dopamine, serotonin, & adrenaline) are supposed to be balanced, & they’re supposed to be generally not very difficult to get. In mentally ill or some neurodivergent brains, however, these chemicals are imbalanced.

——

Now that the technical stuff is out of the way -

Caffeine lowers your serotonin levels, majorly increases dopamine, & releases adrenaline.

Sugar raises all three - serotonin, dopamine, AND adrenaline.

So sugared coffee will raise serotonin, dopamine, & adrenaline levels.

So how does that make them affect ADHDers differently?

——

This part is based on something called Low Arousal Theory (& no that’s not sexual).

Basically, the theory states that what makes an ADHDer appear inattentive or hyperactive has to do with dopamine in the brain - both how much we have & how easy it is to get it.

ADHDers, according to this theory, have lower residual dopamine. This causes an imbalance between dopamine and other neurotransmitter compounds/hormones.

Because of this, then, ADHDers have to rely on temporary hits of dopamine, both to focus & to boost their mood. There are often less ways we can get enough dopamine, since our brain doesn’t pre-produce enough & we thus need more dopamine total to be able to focus. So we end up hyperfocusing on anything that automatically gives large doses of dopamine - which usually ends up being things like TV shows (binge watching), video games (blackout hyperfocus where you play for hours & lose time), & social media (like, scroll, comment, scroll, lots of feedback/reward).

——

(Note in this case sugared coffee can mean coffee with sugar cubes/physical sugar added, coffee with sugary creamer added, coffee with milk added coffee with sugar syrup added, coffee with flavoured sugar syrup added, & coffee with any combination of those added (because those will all add at least a little sugar); & black coffee means coffee/espresso with not even milk added)

So if black coffee raises your dopamine levels, that means, for non-ADHDers, that it makes them energized, jittery, anxious, motivated and alert. Sugared coffee has a more significant/amplified, but similar, affect & this often shows up as shakiness & inattentiveness.

Non-ADHDers will get an artificial imbalance & a whole lot of dopamine, adrenaline, &/or serotonin. Since they already have enough dopamine naturally, this spike causes hyperactive/inattentiveness.

For ADHDers, however, their dopamine levels are low, so black coffee will cause an artificial imbalance but will leave the ADHDer with enough dopamine (higher levels of dopamine) to be motivated to do tasks & focus, & this usually causes focused drowsiness in small doses. Large doses (usually 20+ ounces of black coffee) will put the ADHD brain to sleep.

Sugared coffee though, for an ADHD brain, will cause an artificial balance with higher levels of dopamine, so this usually creates either blackout hyperfocus (medium dose of sugar + medium (16-20oz) coffee), calm focus (large coffee (20-32oz) + some sugar), or amplified hyperactivity (small coffee (8-16oz) + a lot of sugar or large coffee (20-32oz) + a lot of sugar; jittery, jumpiness, running around).

((Note the oz are an estimate & will vary depending on your personal tolerance for caffeine & sugar))

Essentially, sugared coffee could have a similar affect to prescription meds for ADHDers who don’t trust meds, get bad side effects from meds, or aren’t allowed meds? (I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it or say anyone should ditch their meds to try it, especially since coffee can be addictive, but I found it fascinating either way (since it explained (potentially) why black coffee could put me & other ADHDers to sleep).)

It also means being put to sleep by coffee, or suddenly able to Do The Thing™ because of coffee, is ADHD culture. (/lighthearted)

~Nico

[forkanna]

[AO3] [WATTPAD]

WARNING: Another NSFW chapter, though this one contains more plot.

NOTE: I apologise for taking nearly a month off from posting. Just haven't been in a writing mood. I'll be trying to get back to our regularly scheduled programme soon!

                                                  ~ o ~

The appointed hour had arrived. Rise watched Ai's face carefully as it was screwed up in concentration, trying to ignore the anxious flutter in the pit of her stomach. This situation was life-or-death, because if it went in a direction she didn't like she would probably want to throw herself off the nearest bridge.

"Well…?"

"Hmm… it's like… a shiny flower… butterfly… thing."

"What?!"

Huffing, Ai pushed up on her elbows a little more. "Well, what do you want me to say?! That's what it looks like, spread open like that!"

"Ughh, you don't have to make me feel like my body is weird! I'm doing this for you, remember?"

"Yes, and I appreciate it, of course," she conceded with a roll of her eyes. "But don't act like I don't have a point; that is what it reminds me of. I'm just being honest."

Now all Rise wanted to do was close her legs. But she had to ask one more question. "Does… does that mean you don't like it?"

"What? No way, don't be an idiot!" Crawling forward to look straight into her eyes, she whispered, "You're the hottest chick at Yasogami. Well, besides me." They both smirked. "And every part of you is beautiful, do you hear me?"

"Okay, okay," she muttered glumly, trying not to pout. "Sorry."

"No, no, I get it. Suddenly I'm the bitch whose opinion matters a lot because my body is the only one that gets really close to yours. Like, you're obviously going to be worried that I'm not into your body as much as you're clearly into mine."

"Geez, you don't have to put it like that, Ebi-chan. I'm not a pervert! I just… I really like my girlfriend, it's normal! Well… not that liking girls is."

Ai shrugged as she reached down to pet her fingers up and down over Rise's abdomen. They were on the tatami in the middle of their hotel room, the setting sun barely lighting up the walls, and Ai was still fully dressed whereas her girlfriend had fully disrobed, to give her the chance to examine her body at her leisure. It was a little weird, and she felt like a lab experiment, but she knew Ai had probably felt much the same when she was sniffing around her dick before. Fair was fair.

"I think it's pretty normal," Ai protested as her flawlessly-buffed fingernails teased through Rise's well-trimmed strip of pubic hair. Why was that not just hot, but somehow yet hotter because they were such delicate fingers?

"Mmhhh… well, I… I feel so guilty, still. Like we're sneaking around and doing something naughty."

Her lips quirked into another smirk. "Oh, we're definitely naughty. But sneaking around? It's kind of a social media blitz for you or whatever, so… either we're not doing that at all, or we are amazingly shitty at it."

"Shut up," she snorted, bopping Ai on the ear with her knee. It was the easiest thing to reach. "But um… I guess that's true."

"Everything's completely fine, girl," she told her in that extremely rare tone of gentleness that made Rise's heart pound double-time. "We're golden — it's Golden Week. Loosen up."

Snorting, she shot back, "I could have said that to you this morning." Ai rolled her eyes. "Y'know, when my finger was in y-"

"Yes, I get it, I get it." Her head tilted to one side, honey-hued locks pooling on the floor. "Did you like that?"

"Well… it was weird, and kinda gross at first. But!" she protested when Ai started to grimace. "I'd do it just to make you happy, even if it was horrible. And it wasn't, okay? I even…"

When Rise still hadn't finished that sentence after a few seconds, Ai wound up prompting her, "You even… liked it? Hated it? Give me something to go on here."

"No. It's too weird."

"Come on, it's just us. You gotta get used to trusting me sometime. Or don't, I guess."

"Are you… guilting me?"

"See? You already don't trust me." But when Rise pouted, she snorted and poked her in the tummy. "Just playing with you… but maybe also making a point. I know I'm kind of a bitch, but I'm trying to trust you despite almost outing me to the entire school. Can it start cutting both ways?"

Thoroughly chagrined, she whispered, "Well… that's not exactly what this is. But I get it. I'm just embarrassed and you know that, but I'll try to open up… if you do."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. So if I admit I thought it was pretty hot, watching you get all squirmy… will you admit that you liked me slipping a finger up there?"

Stalemate. Both of them were staring into each other's eyes, trying not to give ground. A perfect example that both of them were correct in their estimations of what areas they needed to work on. Eventually Ai took a breath and sighed, "Okay, okay, you're right. I just… it's almost like admitting weakness. Which is so dumb that I care, we should both be getting more comfortable with each other."

"Okay. Just this time, even though you didn't say it, I'll accept that as you admitting you liked it," Rise said in a slight sing-song. When her girlfriend pouted, she went on, "And I thought it was hot. Like, not the butt part exactly? But fingering you…" She could feel her cheeks heating up from having to put it into words.

"Yeah. I mean, I get that. Just because it's… where it is, doesn't mean you didn't fuck me right."

"EBI-CHAN!" she hissed in a scandalised tone.

"What? You did. I mean, now that we're being honest…" Ai still had to clear her throat, even if she was doing a better job of keeping an even tone of voice. "Your finger started hitting really deep — hit my spot, and it was all over. I've never, ever felt like that before. It was like my fingers and toes and nose and tits were all orgasming with me."

Rise had been gaping at her until the very end, when she let out a weak little laugh. "Nose and toes, huh? Wow. But I'm really happy I could help; I just wanted to make you feel good, and find out if that was one way we could do that."

"Definitely. Like, now that I'm past trying to pretend I don't need it." Ai squirmed a little. "Uhh…"

She sat up a little more, petting through her hair. And she leaned into the touch. Had she ever done that before? "Do you want me to do it again? Not right now!" she reassured her, and Ai relaxed a little. "But just, um, just in the future."

"I think so. Is that weird? You're my girlfriend, you shouldn't have to fuck me in the ass like a dude."

"Mm. Well, then I'll fuck you in the ass like a lady."

Ai giggled a little, crawling up to curl around her body. "I don't know exactly what that means, but I'm there. I'll offer you the same anytime you want."

"Oh, I think I'll be okay," she laughed easily. "I've never had any interest in that. Before! Before now. Wait — no, I still don't have any interest in having mine… d-do we really have to keep discussing this?"

"No," Ai told her with a slight smirk as she leaned in to kiss her cheek so tenderly that Rise briefly forgot that she was even nervous about the topic of conversation. "We could go back to talking about that phone call."

A brief pause. "So about my butt…"

"Come on, it can't have been that bad," she challenged her with a little snort. "You're just gonna keep being your fabulous self, and so will I, and Japan will join the fucking twenty-first century."

"Yeah, I just… talking about it… I'd rather focus on you, on us. On Okinawa! This is one of our last little flings — especially for you, senpai."

Clearly, that hint wasn't lost on her. She sighed and cuddled a little closer. "You're right. We should enjoy it while we can."

"Mmm, it feels like somebody already is."

"That's- it's an involuntary reaction! I was literally staring down the barrel of your pussy two seconds ago — anybody with one of these would have theirs sticking straight up, too!"

Voice the tiniest bit haughty, she said, "Well. I'm not going to assume anything, okay? I know you don't want me to… give you a little kiss down there… or caress with my fingers… or-"

"What a goddamn tease," she muttered.

"You love it." When Ai didn't answer, she grinned and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, pulling her in yet closer. They didn't really need any words anymore. As hard as it was to ignore that firm presence, given how unfamiliar Rise was with such things, she just tried to keep her focus on those sweet lips pressing against her own, on the warm back beneath her palms. On the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

That realisation bowled her over. Even though they had been trending in that direction, she had yet to truly think about their future together. Sure, they would have to list Ai as male in order to get a marriage certificate… or would they? Maybe they really shouldn't worry about it. Not being able to enjoy the same status as her straight friends would be frustrating, yes, but it wasn't the end of the world. As long as she could live with her lover and share their lives, that was good enough.

By the time they finally parted, Ai managed to breathe, "I want you so bad…"

Careful to keep her tone neutral, she whispered, "How?"

"Any way I can have you. I… shit, what the hell did you turn me into?"

"Then I'm all yours. You can… have my mouth again, if that's what you like. Or did you wanna go, um… go all the way?"

"I don't know!" she groused as she pulled at her hair. Not that this minor crisis was reducing her arousal any; it was still grinding into Rise's hip and driving her up a wall. "UGH! I want to be as close to you as I can, and that seems like the way, but I also don't want to be the 'boy', you know?"

Drawing her in for another brief kiss, she whispered, "You won't be. Not to me; you'll always just be Ai. My cute little Ebi-chan. I… do you want me to use my finger on you again? I'd love to! I wanna do anything that makes you happy!"

"I… kind of? But no, not right now. I want to make you happy this time."

"Oh." Rise felt another flush of shame, trying not to remember the very obvious fact that she didn't have a stitch of clothing on her person. "Well, um… I want what you want." Did she just give her permission?!

"Good. Then let me try, um… with my mouth. I'll probably suck, but hey, no time like the present to start practicing. Especially if I ever want to be able to do this right."

"Sure! Yeah, that's… that's the same thing I was thinking while doing it for you." With a slight squirm, she then lowered her voice to barely a whisper, "I'm just… I'm sorry if it tastes, or smells… you know…"

Ai lifted a hand to waft away such thoughts. "You'll be fine. It's you. I mean, even if you weren't the sweetest girl in the universe, you're still Risette; that label of yours wouldn't let you have some stanky puss."

Bright red. Like a stoplight. Even though Ai was saying hers wouldn't be so aromatic, the very idea of it meriting a word such as "stanky" made her want to take a bath with a toaster. "U-uhm… thanks?"

"Anytime, girl."

And that seemed to be all the warning she got before Ai was kissing her way down her chest toward a clear goal. This was it; she was finally going to get as good as she gave. Unless she thought of some legitimate reason to ask the teen queen to pull back… but her mind was a blank. All she could think about was those perfect lips dimpling the skin of her abdomen, the lusty gaze being shot up in her direction as she moved lower, and lower…

Lowest. She felt a kiss in her hairs and she couldn't entirely suppress an anxious squeak. Her eyes slid closed as one leg moved up to drape over her girlfriend's back, hoping that would somehow encourage her — prove that she was ready. Even if she wasn't.

"This alright?"

Oh no. Ai was calling her bluff; it was glaringly obvious how high her nerves were running. "Y-yeah… it's just really, um, new?"

"I get that."

Then Ai moved again, and Rise almost curled into a ball. "WOW! That's- you kissed my…"

There was a slight sheen on Ai's smirk when she raised up to look at her properly. "You are soaking fucking wet, Kujikawa. How bad have you been needing it?"

"I haven't been! Honestly, I'm- NNH, how are you doing this?!"

"Pretty easy," she shot back before leaving a long lick along the entirety of her vulnerable flesh. Rise reached down instinctively to grip the hair attached to that head that was giving her so much pleasure it was overloading her system. Did everybody experience this? Was she oversensitive, or was it normal to feel like every inch of her skin was on fire, like she was losing all control?

"God, this is getting me so hard," Ai breathed before diving back in. Which didn't help matters in the slightest; Rise already felt like she was losing her mind, and knowing her girlfriend was nearly as bad off only heightened her pleasure, making her want to roll over and rut on her face. Or…

Or go further. Ai wasn't ready, and she would respect that, but if just her lips and tongue were making her feel this phenomenal, what would it be like for them to really go for it? Uniting their bodies had to be just as good as taking care of each other in turn, if not better.

"NH!" she finally burst out when she felt the pleasure rising. "I'm… I'm about to- it's gonna happen!"

"Yeah?" Ai panted as she used her thumb to caress that tortured flesh, gazing up at her with glazed eyes. "That mean… should I finish you off?"

The volume at which the word "YES!" ripped from her throat left their ears ringing. Rise would feel embarrassed about that — later. When she had time. Right now, she was too busy literally dragging Ai's head back down to devour her anew, moaning as her hips rolled up into their point of union. A little more — and the way her tongue was hitting her clit was spurring her on faster, making it-

Ai brought her to the hardest climax she had ever experienced. Feeling this one made her realise she had been only getting close to a real orgasm all those years since she first began to awaken sexually; a real orgasm blew those pretenders to the throne out of the water so easily. Guess that was what she got for never truly masturbating, or finding anybody who could take care of it for her.

Once the most intense of those sensations began to fade, Rise started coming back to her senses. A few things surprised her: she felt the tatami suddenly pressing into her back, because she had lifted herself upward. Ai's shirt moved when she started pulling her leg back, because her toes had clenched so hard in the fabric. The same was true of her hair — which she let go of first, feeling a few strands come away with her fingers with a little flare of guilt that she hadn't been gentler. Her mind had literally gone somewhere else while the ecstasy overwhelmed. It was almost scary, but mostly just… damn.

"Whoa," Ai breathed simply. The whole experience had left both of them speechless. After swallowing and clearing her throat, she licked her lips before wiping them on the back of her hand and crawling up to hover above her girlfriend. "You okay?"

"Hmnah!" was the best she could do. Ai giggled, so she tried to do better this time. "Yeah!"

Grinning, she pressed her face into Rise's neck. "Yeah. I can handle that review, I guess. Still wanna know if I did anything stupid, though; like, this was my first attempt, I can't have been perfect."

"Oh… you… close to… heaven." She hadn't meant to say 'heaven', it just slipped out.

"Really? Well… good, that's good." Ai was kissing her neck a little more firmly, more frequently. It suddenly occurred to Rise that she could feel that bulge digging into her hip; poor Ai hadn't gotten off since that morning, even if she did get there twice.

"You… want help?"

"Huh? Oh, naw, I can ignore it. Don't even trip."

"But you… I wanna… I like your friend." She took a couple of breaths, finally beginning to fully recover. "What can I call her?"

"Annoying," she snorted, and Rise rolled her eyes while she grinned into her hair. "Bitch that won't leave the party."

Nodding, she kissed into her scalp and earned herself a little sigh of appreciation in return. "I like her. That doesn't mean you have to, or like… that you have to keep her or like her for my sake. But just so you know, we get along pretty well. I mean, for a girl and an, um, appendage."

"Dork. But thanks. And it makes me mad that we have to have this conversation… but I appreciate that you get it. That you can really, uh, want my D without forgetting that I don't want it at all."

"Yeah, of course. I might have been dumb when we first started out but I learn fast."

"You do," she agreed with a little squeeze. Rise wrapped her arms more tightly around her girlfriend, appreciating their warmth, their connection. "It's honestly refreshing. Like, I got so much hate when I came out… even from my own family. I had started to believe it was impossible to expect people to get me. Then here comes this prissy famous bitch."

Rise smacked her on the arm, which only earned a harsh chuckle. "Who's the bitch here, really?" But then she moved her hand down to her bulge. "Let me take care of this. Like, it doesn't have to be anything special, or… not unless you want more."

"Mmhh… annoying." But Ai looked away, biting her lower lip. Again, Rise questioned why she found watching that to be so hot but she tried to relegate that question to the back of her mind for the time being.

"What is it?"

"Your mouth is so good… fuck, I'm sorry. Like, that's a lot to ask, twice in one d-"

"You got it." When Ai just blinked at her, she shrugged bashfully. "I'd do that. I'd use my finger again, I'll give you whatever you want. As long as you're okay with me figuring out how to do it as I go, I don't mind! It's nice that we can help each other out."

Though it took her a second, she started to nod with a slight smile. "It is really nice. Weird, but like, I guess it's not since we're dating."

"Yeah," Rise giggled. "We're just not used to dating, right?"

"Mm. You're sure I didn't mess up while muff diving?"

"While WHAT?! Excuse me? You can't call it that!"

Smirking a little as she sat up and started to disrobe, she purred, "I can call it whatever I want, Risette. Now perform for me. Maybe I'll just jerk off onto your butt."

"NO! Ew, why would you do that when I- that's gonna be all sticky, we'd have to take another bath!"

"So what? The last one turned out to be a real event…"

"Yeah, for you! And you were definitely writhing and squealing all over the place!"

"Y-yeah, well, that was your fault!" she shot back as that ready-and-willing cock bounced out into the open air. "Maybe I'll take you up on your mouth just so you can't say mean things to me."

Rise pursed her lips for a moment before saying, "Maybe I won't be as careful with my teeth this time."

"Hey, don't joke like that," Ai said with a shiver. "I might not want to keep her but that is NOT how I wanna lose her."

"Then behave," she purred as she crawled toward her lap, rubbing her cheek against the warm length. "And I'll behave exactly the way you want."

Ai complied. She complied for the following ten minutes, and got exactly what the doctor ordered — because the alluring Nurse Rise was tending her every need. Five star service.

                                               To Be Continued…

[ahiddenpath]

My Current Thoughts on Writing Fanfics

I’m so glad I’ve had this bloggity since 2012, because I can see how much my approach to writing has changed!  I wanted to touch base on where I am now, plus answer the most common questions I receive about writing fanfics beneath the cut.

Obligatory disclaimer: I’m a hobbyist writer, this is meant to be taken as opinion/reflection, not advice, different approaches work for different people, annnnd also check out my digimon fanfics (FFN and AO3).

How do I develop a regular writing habit?

I’d start by setting aside 15 minutes a day to write.  Don’t focus on word count- writing x number of words can be intimidating, but most people can sit for 15 minutes and get something down.  If you’re writing on a computer, turn off the internet and place your phone out of reach

Gradually increase the session length.

Never worry about the quality of your writing while you’re drafting.  That’s what editing and subsequent drafts are for.  I have a post on utilizing successive drafts to combat writing paralysis here, but the tl;dr is that the pressure to write a perfect story in the first draft often turns writing into an agonizing trial instead of creative play.

Your first draft is bad, period, at least compared to what it will be.  In the kindest way possible, get over it.  Your value as a writer- or as a human!- isn’t tied into your questionable first draft.  Please explore your story in the earliest stages with enthusiasm, not criticism!  You’re going to make it so much better by the time you’re finished!

How do you write so much?

See, here’s one of the biggest changes in my mindset compared to my early days as ahiddenpath.  I used to think that doing all of this writing was like... extra credit, like a stretch goal I pushed myself to achieve.  

I learned in therapy starting in 2018 that the reason I keep writing is because I have to.  I have general anxiety disorder, and my brain...  Have you seen an old-timey cartoon with a boiler?  They are drawn swollen, metal distorting with steam pressure, rivets groaning and popping free.  That’s how I feel if I don’t write.  Don’t ask me why or how, but writing is like turning a valve to release the pressure.

(Quick PSA- my therapist calls creative outlets “coping skills.”  If you feel like you have boiler brain, make time for your hobbies, no matter how tired you are.)

For me, writing is challenging play.  Although I’m often conveying messages that matter to me or exploring ideas I want to work through, and I try to make the best product I can...  I don’t take it seriously, and I don’t sweat over it.  I’m here to wander, play, and take care of myself.

So basically, I think the recipe for producing lots of writing is: regularity/habit (do it every day, even for just a little while), minimizing distractions, separating the processes of drafting and editing, turning off criticism in the early stages of drafting, and writing for yourself and your own needs.

 Do you feel embarrassed about writing fanfic?

Nope.  I write for my mental health/because it’s fun, period.  However, I also don’t tell people IRL that I write fanfic!  But I’m a private person (I don’t tell people IRL that I’m asexual, for example, and I only tell them I have anxiety if I freeze up in front of them).

Do you feel embarrassed about writing OCs/fakemon?

Hahahaha!  Look, I know there are lots of people who won’t read OCs and fakemon.  I know there are probably people who wish I would stick to more canon stuff (both in terms of OCs and my strong preference for AUs).

But I’m here to write what I want, and while it makes me happy when people read and enjoy my work...  It’s no skin off my back if they don’t.  I already fulfilled my goal of taking care of myself.

Don’t you want to get published and make money for your writing?

No, not at this time.  For everyone who has said that I have the writing skill to be published, thank you so very much.  That’s so kind, and I truly appreciate it!

But...  The United States has the enormous capitalistic attitude problem that endeavors are only worthwhile if they generate capital.  I can’t even begin to tell you how damaging this concept is- literally, I’m not equipped with the sociopolitical educational background.  

Sometimes I think I’d like to become a published novelist?  But sometimes I recall that I have a dope research gig, and I wanna play around with writing in my free time.

To be clear, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t pursue your creative career dreams!!!  And, who knows, maybe some day I’ll get tired of research and want to try swapping to the hobby/skill I’ve spent so much time refining.  Just...  Never stop doing something fun and harmless you enjoy because “it doesn’t make money.”  

I’m not gonna sit here acting like I know what the purpose of life is, but I think having fun and meeting your needs is pivotal.

Okay, so how can I support my favorite fandom content creators?

Bless you, f’real.  The easiest way is to comment on their stuff.  For meta writers, leave comments, engage, ask questions.  For fanfiction writers, leave reviews.  I have so many lovely folks who chat with me over Tumblr or discord after reading my stuff, which is so great.  But it’s hard to find those sweet messages later.  I can always click on reviews any time I need a little positive reinforcement/boost.  So, even if you’re going to talk to the writer later...  Leave that review!

If the content producer uses social media, reblog their stuff to give them more exposure.  Likes are for you, so you can find a post later.  Reblogs are for the creators, so other people can see their work.

Things like fanart, fanfic of fanfic, cosplays, and other... fan content of fan content make our year, I promise!  We love that so stinkin’ much!

Some fan content producers have a ko-fi and/or a patreon, so sometimes there are monetary ways to show appreciation.

If you’re intimated by a content producer, please remember that we are all massive dorkasauruses.  I absolutely guarantee it.

How do you have so many ideas?!

Ah, I have a Future Projects page on my blog- I don’t think pages work on mobile.

But here’s the secret: ideas are the easy part.  They are literally a dime a dozen.  Heck, there are AU generators!  Just pick characters out of a hat and use an AU generator and bam, you’re off!  And even then, you don’t need a real idea to start writing!  I launched Four Years on the thought of, “hahaha, wouldn’t it be a mess if the Chosen went to college together?!”

We’re writing fanfic; we’re here to play.  There’s no need to crush yourself with the expectation that you must write the next hit thriller plot.

In my opinion, the much better question is: how do you manage your projects such that you complete them?

So, uh, how do you manage your projects?

I’ve established that I write fanfic to play and to take care of myself, but I do want to grow as a writer along the way.  And the best way to learn how to craft narratives is to practice completing them.  If you launch stories over and over and only write roughly 1/4 to 1/3 of the way through the story...  All you’re practicing is how to start a story.

When I first started writing as ahiddenpath, I did exactly zero planning (see the Four Years reference above).  I ended up with longfics stretching as long as 400K+ words- that’s over six novels (based on the average adult fiction novel length)!!!!!  It is so daunting to work on longfics, because you feel like the ending is nowhere to be seen.

SO most of my pointers circle around always writing towards your ending, even before you start!

-Decide what you want to say with your story before you start writing.

First, “what you want to say” doesn’t have to be a big, grand theme.  It can be as big as “how the trauma of their adventures impacted them after” or as small as “I think these dorks would have a good time at laser tag.” 

I’m not talking about a detailed outline (in fact, I personally hate outlines).  Just know what your story is about and make sure what you write points to it.  If you can make the structure of your story mimic your theme, even better!  But no worries if that doesn’t work out, it’s not always possible.

-Write linearly

The best way to keep moving along in your story is just to... keep writing it in order.  This helps achieve regular updates, and prevents you from potentially “losing” material if you change your mind about the plot before reaching the bit you wrote already.  This happened to me so frequently that I stopped writing ahead of myself.  If I have an idea, I write it down, but I don’t draft future scenes.  In my experience, they often never see the light of day.

I’m told people often write the bit of the story they most want to write first?  If you have a single scene that you’re really longing to write, but you don’t know how to get there/don’t want to write the rest...  May I suggest that you... don’t write the rest?  If your scene works as a oneshot, write that oneshot!  Don’t torture yourself with a lot of writing you don’t want to do.  Most often, people end up forcing their way through 1-4 chapters, then stalling before ever reaching the Good Bit. 

A moment of silence for all of the unwritten Good Bits out there.  Now, some Enya.

If you can’t reduce Good Bit setup to a oneshot, reduce as much as possible.  I think that sometimes, people underestimate the incredible advantages of writing fanfiction?  Everyone knows your characters already, and maybe even the setting, if you keep it canon.  You can cut out the setup and dive right into what you want to do with the characters! 

-Think about the structure of your story before you start

Considering the structure of your story is a fantastic way to estimate how long it will be/ensure that there is an ending in sight from the start.  For example, in Voices, I covered a single school year in Japan, writing a diary entry for a different Chosen every day, so I knew that I would write the story for roughly a year.  After August had one chapter per Chosen, so each child could help Taichi deal with his post Adventure trauma in their own way, plus an opening and closing chapter.  My Tri story, Tri: Integrity Lens, is written and posted in installments covering each Tri movie.

It’s fine if no particular structure strikes you.  I could see forced structure turning into a gimmick, you know?  But if it naturally works out, it’s a great way to have a solid idea of how much story is ahead of you before you start, and where the story will end.  And being cognizant of how and when a story ends from chapter one yields a tighter, shorter fic, one that you’re more likely to complete.

-Consider writing in batches/sections before posting

So lately, I’ve been experimenting with how I deliver fanfic updates.  I mentioned that my Tri fic follows the Tri movies.  Each movie is covered with a few 3,000-6,000 word updates that I post every other week.  I cover an entire movie before posting any of it, and then I plan to take a break in between movies to work on either the next movie or a different fic.

AND THIS IS SO GREAT!  Having large chunks of my story written is such a fantastic way to do things!  I keep thinking of little details I can add/things I should mention and noticing inconsistencies I can fix before posting.  Giving myself a larger picture and time to mull over it by spreading out updates is making a huge difference for me.

Plus, giving yourself little breaks between installments can help keep you fresh and motivated, while leaving your audience waiting at a nice, natural stopping point.  Plus, this way they know that you haven’t just... up an vanished or dropped a story.  You’re just taking an announced break.

How do you plan stories?

I believe I mentioned hating outlines.  I personally respond best to “structured freedom.”  I focus on things like: what are my themes/what do I want to say, how will the characters grow or regress, how is this story structured or formatted, what is the overall tone and mood.  Other than that, I keep things fluid...  Which is why it’s so important for me to enforce some kind of ending point before I begin.

Basically, for me, too much planning = a boring slog where I can’t inject the moods and ideas of the day into my work without derailing meticulous plans.  Too little planning = longfic hell.  I’m guessing that everyone has to decide for themselves where they land on this continuum!  Exploration is vital.

Okay, I am out of steam for today.  If you have any other writing/fanfic questions you’d like answered, please let me know!  Here are some other resources I’ve made.

-Combating writing paralysis with successive drafts

-Dishing with an artist

-Tips for Fanfic Authors

-More Tips for Fanfic Authors

-Tips for Winning Nanowrimo

-Resources/Advice for Digimon Adventure Fanfic Writers

[sanchoyo]

Looks like you’re gonna have to gush some more cuz I meant in general uwu🌸

🌺😌🤟 Always happy to! Okay here’s just some General bnha Thoughts ™ Mostly Lov centric. You asked for them, and you said GUSH about them, so here’s. A Lot! :)

This isn’t a lov one but it’s really funny so I thought I’d put it out there:

-when bnha was first gaining traction on tumblr, it was all art of Tsuyu. I have no idea why. People were talking about the funky frog lesbian superhero anime. Maybe it was just the people I was following, maybe it was a general trend, but I LOVED her design!!! my fav color and frogs r super cute!!! And I already loved superhero media, so I was like. I’ll watch it. For Her. SO. FROPPY IS THE REASON I WATCHED/READ BNHA. I went in thinking she was the protag and I was sooo confused when Izuku was... tbh I still think it’d be more interesting if she was lmaooo aus where? ...seriously if anyone has good aus where this is the case send them LOL

-I don’t actually feel that bad abt what Shigaraki’s doing. I still feel bad for him. I’m this post. yes im an apologist. its not my fault hes sexy and has been running around shirtless. hes a lesbian icon like thor is. I want to touch his hair. hes never done anything wrong in his life. he could kill all might, deku, bakugo, whatever, I’d still be sayin this. I don’t feel bad for gt. like. was anyone genuinely attached to him? lmao

-well u know how spinner’s quirk is just sticking to things? We haven’t seen him use it in canon except like, (1) time iirc?? I think this is probably bc he’s embarrassed about it even in front of the league... I loooove the idea that he gets more comfortable with it around them :”) and also how shigaraki. um. does that falling asleep thing while standing up with his eyes open, canonly? (which I still love lmfao) Imagine someone in the league walking in a dark room, turning on the light n just seeing. Spinner upside down, stuck to the ceiling asleep bc heat rises and its Warmer Up There. (cold blooded thing like tsuyu?? come ON give him a big fuzzy coat and scarf...) and Shigaraki in the center of the room, slouched but still standing, eyes open and motionless. Theyre both sleeping. Whomever sees it just...slowly walks out. LMAO

-Toga roller derby au. No deep thoughts I just think she’d be good at it. 

-Toga 100% is a social butterfly and could befriend anyone if they didn’t just judge the fact she was trying to stab them smh :/ (ok but seriously anytime I see cute friendships with her n the other kids im like :) aw. I feel like her and Camie...would be good friends. Camie feels chill enough to be like ‘ok whatever thats totally fine I forgive you!!’ LMAO we love airheads here)

-HOW DID TOGA GET SO GOOD AT FIGHTING? We know she’s been on the run since middle school or so, but good enough to pin Deku down after he’s been formally trained at a ~hero school~ for a while? (she pinned him TWICE I think, once when his arms were messed up, but, the other time as Camie, so? AND THEN WAS ONE OF THE 100 PEOPLE TO GO THRU TO THE 2ND ROUND OF THAT? even tho she didn’t bc she had to leave) good enough to beat Aizawa in a fight and stab him? A professional hero and teacher for YEARS? Is that seriously just street training??? Can people acknowledge how amazing her combat skills and reflexes are??? More Toga appreciation when?? Also her backstory??? SO subversive and incredible, hate when people reduce her to just a ~typical anime yandere~ :/

-Tomura doing stuff with his hands/fingers to train his quirk!!! And to learn to be careful with it!! obv I’m a Big Fan of him playing piano to do this and video games are prob the canon answer, but like, guitar or any stringed instrument that requires Hands would work too. Or knitting/sewing? EMBROIDERING? ??? Please, let me give you the mental image of him knitting aggressively while mentally scheming, watching a twitch streamer or smth too while doing it. (Doing stuff with your hands is a great way to let your mind come up with creative stuff, that’s how I come up with writing/drawing ideas 70% of the time)

-Tomura actually PREFERS cutesty, relaxing games. I mean, he does fighting and bloody stuff irl, games are a way to relax...he’ll play shooters and gta type games with The Lads, but. on his own?? animal crossing. pokemon. kirby games. mario. zelda. BIG ZELDA FAN (not saying this bc I, personally, am biased, but,) slime rancher, stardew valley, funny simulator games... he really enjoys those :”) God forbid he has a kid bc they’re 100% getting named after a viddy game character unless someone can talk him out of it LOL. Toga and Tomura are that animal crossing /doom meme where she’d be asking for doom and him asking for animal crossing :”)

-Bits and pieces of Before are kinda stuck in Kurogiri’s brain, but like. mostly useless stuff the doctor didn’t care about removing. Like, types of clouds. So Tomura kinda picks up on stuff like that. He can just look at clouds and tell you what type they are because Kurogiri used to take him up to high places in the city and point them out to calm Tomura down from a panic attack when he was younger. He can tell you if the sky looks like it’ll rain with a 80% accuracy rate too. 

-Kurogiri left food out for kitties in the alley beside the bar. They weren’t allowed in for Health Reasons (it IS a bar with sanitation standards!!) And Tomura really wouldn’t stop it or encourage it either way so long as Kurogiri did his job, but occasionally would stand outside with Kurogiri and just watch the kitties from a distance. If any approached he’d go back in (lowkey afraid he’d hurt them by touching them :( ) They kinda kept that between them tho, bc they both Know AFO is a big bag of dicks and no fun

-people have pointed out how similar aizawa and tomura look. this was 100% the intention. tomura has a hatecrush on him. THIS IS SO FUNNY AND HORRIBLY AWKWARD FOR KUROGIRI LMAO

-Sako??? Mr. Dramatic?? Opera fan. Drama kid. Like, obviously, but. Really. He is. I feel like he can speak a dozen languages. I also feel like he used to be an overachiever but got too ambitious. He was def some kind of leader at one point of a diff Group or something that fell apart. I LOVE how creative he is with his quirk and the magician theme??? incredible. I don’t show him enough love but I Love Clowns :o)

-I don’t care what their canon heights are. Spinner and Dabi? short kings. My height hcs are (tallest to shortest) Kurogiri, Twice, Sako (who also has heels on his boots and a tall hat, keep in mind), Tomura, Magne (Tomura and Magne are about the same height imo) Toga, Spinner, Dabi. LISTEN. Dabi has short energy. Sorry. it’s true tho

-This is a semi-popular hc I think bc I KNOW I’ve seen it before, but Dabi having Terrible Vision and needing glasses is so so good. (seriously, with burns THAT close to his eyeballs, how could he not?) 

-he tries to be a tough loner coolguy. you’d think he’d smoke, but I hc his ‘weak constitution’ comes with weak lungs (esp from years of a flame quirk?? inhaling smoke over so much time is SO bad for you, most people who die in fires actually die of smoke inhalation...) so he’s got like, an inhaler, can’t smoke, actually gets carsick, needs glasses, overuses quirk to save friends constantly, likes napping, a little awkward and rude. Tomura put him in charge of the vanguard so he’s smart, and good with strategies too, like a nerd. this is the Dabi I wanna see, not the popular fandom version of him tbh also step on hawks one more time sir :”)

-I wish all the lov fics weren’t?? villain!deku like I said earlier, but also, chatfics? I have nothing against them but most of them are just a bombardment of Memes with NO PLOT!!! Listen. text/chatfics CAN have plot and be an interesting way to tell a story. I almost want to write one just to show what I mean...

I know I’ve said I like spinaraki and blackmagic, but I am a multishipper, so a few ships I don’t talk about that I like that involve the lov in some way:

-toga/any of the 1A girls??? or Camie??? super interesting. ALSO in the radio drama, bakugo’s voice actor said Toga was his favorite girl??? so?? bakugo/toga ?? I WANT TO SEE IT. but specifically my fav dynamic with her is when someone ELSE is the one to like her first, it’s what she deserves.

-Kurogiri/aizawa/mic?? any variety of that is also 👌🏻 I also kinda wanna see kurogiri/all might bc. Dads. COME ON. they bond over ‘well, I raised him, and you want to have a part in his life now?? ok. earn it. prove it. I’ll screen you first’ or something LMAO they’re both genuinely concerned for the boy, and SOOO biased. let them bond.

-WAIT WHERE IS THE MIC/COMPRESS CONTENT. THEYRE BOTH DRAMATIC. ENEMIES TO LOVERS?? HELLO??? SOMEONE?? ANYONE. rarepair hours

-giran/twice is cute. like he was hyping him up so much and so ready to go save him...

-dabi/magne where is the content. when. why not everywhere??? I’ve also seen magne/compress which was cute!! or twice/magne? they’re the big sibs of the lov...

-dabi/spinner?? come ON dabi could get over his learned biases and spend time with him and they could hold hands. I want them to.

-dabihawks. Obviously bc the Drama. yes even still, don’t @ me. (also, shigahawks, seen some REAL interesting fics with it tbh) or spinahawks?? adding hawks to a ship is like adding extra chili powder. makes it SPICY dramatic)

-nine/tomura don’t @ me once again. both kinda afo’s playthings, nine obviously was the test for tomura’s new upgrades...they both love their friends...That Scene in the Flower field </3 hmmm tragicships are fun.

-tomura/mirko. more enemies to lovers. big fan of her and bunnies. remember when he wore bunny ears in bnha smash. (ok its crack but. CUTE.) 

-I’ve also seen shiganatsu and shigafuyu and I’m like. these are cute, but also Dabi’s reaction always makes me cry laugh. so good.

-MOST EVERYONE IN THE LOV IS LGBTQA+!!! heres my personal headcanons:

Toga: pan or bi (CANON BASICALLY)

Magne: transwoman (CANON BABEY) bi, leans towards men. (her crush on dabi in bnha smash... uwu content where)

Shuichi: gets sooooo flustered canonly, I think he’d go for the first person Who Hit On Him (I can see him being the target of those mean pranks where someone says ‘my friend likes you!!’ and the friend is like ‘eww!!’ :(((( ) he’s super hesitant for romance, lots of repressed stuff. gay but takes sooo long to realize it bc he thinks most women are conventionally pretty Aesthethically, feels obligated to Like Them, but has bad self esteem so never goes after them, then only likes (1) guy so hes like?? is this allowed?? is this allowed???? (HES LIKE. IN LOVE WITH SHIGARAKI)

Dabi: bi but rly hasn’t ever gotten to date anyone, so he’s actually more reserved about it and while he’ll tease, he absolutely is absent and kinda oblivious (again, I KNOWWWW bnha smash isnt canon, but. my god. when magne is hitting on him and he Just Doesnt Understand.) also hes ace

Tomura: doesn’t care. (just prob says ‘its whatever’) trans/nonbinary (i’M NOT PROJECTING, BUT. :’/) probably goes with like, the label queer if any but doesn’t care much for labels

Kurogiri: bi??? kind of??? I say kind of bc well, I hc U Know Whom as bi, I feel like thatd carry over but he’d be really avoidant to date anyone bc hes gotta Watch His Kid u know? this is gonna sound surprising but I think he’d be the type to be like ‘ok we can have a one night stand/fling BUT it cant get personal bc I have a Job to Do for my Son so don’t get up in your feelings’ and act a little coldly at first or very ..not personable... depending on who it was he’d prob turn around eventually, esp if that person valued his feelings/job :”)

Sako: that mans Not Straight. I hc him as gay and also trans :3c

Twice: Bi and HAS dated prob more than anyone else in the league imo, super comfortable with his sexuality and supportive of everyone else’s :)

ok that’s about all I can think of atm, come back in 5 minutes and my brain will refill with lov headcanons :3 thank you for asking!!

[earthbovndmisfit]

I hope this isn't too weird of a message to send, but doesn't it seem like Jonawagon doujinshi are pretty uncommon? I've only seen maybe 3 posted online & I have a copy of a SpeedJona doujin but aside from those I haven't come across any. Is it like a rare pairing or something? I thought they were fairly popular

It isn’t weird at all, anon! All the opposite actually, cause I love getting asks even if i'm not always around or it sometimes takes me a hot minute to get to them gfjhkjh

This is gonna be long and probs gonna have bits that might sound rant-ish to some, but I hope that’s alright! :'D

For starters, sadly, jonawagon/jonaspeed/speedjona or however you call the ship is quite an underrated ship. This has to do partly with the wrong perceptions some folks have built around it and around the characters as well (that them both and the couple itself are the epitome of "purity" and "innocence", sometimes even labelling them as "boring" as a result even though both characters are far from that, that "it could only be a one-sided thing" on Spw's end despite both showing and sharing a certain bond/closeness towards each other -closeness that sometimes Jonathan didn't show towards anyone else-, etc), partly because of the many timeskips in PB and all the scenes the anime cut out and people wrongly assuming that the main events happened in the span of a few days and thus people dropping the ball on the ship/characters when Jonathan and Speedwagon actually knew each other for as long -sometimes even longer- than other more popular characters/ships in jjba did, partly because neither Jonathan or Speedwagon are as popular as other characters in the franchise as a whole, and also partly because, as sad as it is to say this, the ship lacks a LOT of support, especially from it's own fanbase. While jonawagon is a popular and well liked ship overall (in the sense that even general fans who don't care much about shipping, or those who are still on the fence about mlm ships, or those who just don't actively ship jonawagon actually like and support the ship or the idea of it upon seeing the actual dynamics between the characters and their potential and the fact that the ship can actually coexist with jonaeri without altering the characters/making them ooc, nor altering the story and so on), it still lacks a lot of support from it's fans. I often see most other ships/characters get lots of reblogs and exposure from their fans on literally any and all platforms, helping those ships/characters reach new audiences and gaining more popularity and drawing interest from potential new fans, while jonawagon stuff as well as solo Jonathan or Speedwagon stuff usually only get likes and a few reblogs at most from their fans, which is nice and all, but it doesn't give the artists/writers any exposure nor get those works or the ship any farther than that and just keeps them within part of the already existing fanbase at best, which often times makes the artists/content creators lose interest in continuing to create stuff for the ship/characters. This is also why I always strongly ask -almost beg at this point ngl- for people to support the artists/writers/etc via reblogs!! The ship having a bunch of different names also might have an impact on all of this, as it's not always as 'easy' to tag/find contents if you don't know how to tag/search for it. Jonawagon (normally used in the western parts of the fandom), JonaSpeed/SpeedJona (Western version of the ship's most popular names in Japanese: ジョナスピ/スピジョナ or JonaSupi/SupiJona respectively], SpeedStar (a name that became a bit more popular more recently after a mini jonawagon event in 2019), being the most common ones afaik, asides from the standard JonathanxSpeedwagon/SpeedwagonxJonathan ie and others. In short, Jonathan and Speedwagon as well as jonawagon are quite well liked and even popular to an extent, but they lack a massive amount of support from the fans, which also usually translates into artists and content creators for this ship losing interest in continuing to create new material for it and thus end up not making any more contents.

In regards to doujinshi more specifically, I’m a bit disconnected when it comes to Jojo doujinshi in general, but it seems to be a bit like that for most of the non "crazy popular" Jojo ships if you ask me, which is kinda normal considering the massive amount of characters in the whole series. Putting my experience as example, if it helps, I used to collect doujinshi from one of my previous fandoms, which had a shit ton of them for plenty of it’s ships and it was somewhat easy to acquire hard copies of despite it being an “old anime” basically while most Jojo doujinshi (especially anything that is not parts 3, 4 and 5) seems to be a bit hard to come across regardless of the ship(s) in them, even in auction sites or places like pixiv that sell digital copies if the author puts them up on sale, which is understandable since the aforementioned parts are some of the most popular parts in Japan, where most doujinshi is created, and thus take most of the fandom's interest -authors’ and readers’ alike-, as well as the hype for parts like Phantom Blood being long dead (with it being dead/dormant since the original airing of the anime ended in 2013, and it coming back ocassionally whenever there's a 'special' re-airing of PB in Japan or when events such as the Joestar Radio take place), so maybe my parameters on the whole subject are somewhat disproportionate?

This is also gonna sound all boomer-like, but I’ve also noticed, or it seems to me at least (still in comparison to the doujinshi from my previous fandom), that doujinshi books as we knew them aren’t /as/ common nowadays as they used to be a while back. Even the works themselves don’t seem to be much that way either. For example, doujinshi anthologies used to be a big thing a while back and, while they still exist, they don’t seem to be too common anymore (these worked as "promo books" of sorts for all the artists featured and they also helped lesser known/popular artists and ships to get some exposure to newer audiences). Nowadays such thing still exists, and I actually recall seeing a Jonaspeed/Speedjona anthology being made “recently” (recently as in 2019, if I’m not mistaken? it was published and sold during the mini Jonaspeed event they held at a Jojo con in Japan that year), but they aren’t nearly as common as they used to be, since now most artists can post any samples they want (much more reduced tho, cause you normally get a few pages instead of a full mini story) in places like Twitter or Pixiv. And it’s kinda the same with regular doujinshi. Before, most doujinkas had to publish a book in order to get their stuff out and get some exposure, so they were always working on new stories and making new books to sell and promoing their stuff, sometimes one after the other and even creating multi-volume stories in some cases. Now, thanks to how "easy" it is to get some exposure on social media, it’s much more common to see doujinkas for any ships/characters making short stories (1-4 pages, sometimes more) or just 1 page illustrations instead and posting them on their social media every now and then as a promo for their works. They also still make and sell their books (a few jonawagon artists on twitter do, at least), and these short stories/illustrations serve to boost their works instead, which is not a complain at all cause I think it's amazing tbqh! But this also translates into less stories/doujinshi being created as many of these artists often opt for leaving those stories that years ago would have been their own book or a mini story in a book as a prompt or a short story only.

As for actual jonawagon doujinshi, while it is not as common as say pt 3 doujinshi, there is quite a bunch of it. Some date from 2012-2013 (when the PB anime was originally aired), some are much older than that and some others are much more recent (as there are still some active jonawagon doujinkas around). There are also "fanfic books" that are also considered doujinshi and that seem to be a thing sometimes, but these contain little to no art at all and are usually written 100% in Japanese. The problem here is that not many of them have been scanlated/translated yet, sometimes because they aren't easy to find on sale online, sometimes because re-sellers who do have them set high prices for them plus shipping costs, sometimes because the artists/online shops won't sell stuff overseas, sometimes because those who do own doujinshi copies don't always know how to properly share them (since scanning a doujinshi in high or decent quality without destroying the book can be hard af) among other reasons.

All that said, there is a bunch of jonawagon doujinshi that has been scanned and is available online! but it can be tricky to get sometimes due to the different names this ship can go by and because of the "translations" of said names into different languages (as some doujinshi can only be found in Chinese sites, or Russian ones, and so on for example, so it can take some serious time to figure that out and have a successful search).

In all honesty, anon, I'm a dumdum and I had never thought about doing so in a more public manner until now, since I've already shared my entire jonawagon collection (pics, doujins, etc) with friends who have requested it more privately, but I can upload the doujins I have scans of if anyone's interested?? (I’d post the links where I found most of them but since my hd is pretty much dead and I can’t access Windows or my windows/mozilla profile, I’ve p much lost all my old bookmarks). They were only like... 8 last time I checked (9/10 if you count the Japanese and English versions of the "Joestarsaaaaan" one), but it's something :D Just be aware that some of them are nsfw! and that a couple are either part of a book that has stories from other ships in them (I only have the jonawagon parts tho) or contain other ships implied or openly shown in the jonawagon story.

I also have about 4 more, but the scanlator of one of them openly requested for the file to not be reuploaded, so Idk if it'd be alright to share it? (and they also deactivated their blog, so there's no way to ask them for permission). The other 3 are scans a friend sent to me of their own doujinshi copies, so I also don't know if it would be okay for me to post them?? (i haven't seen this friend in over a year so idk gfhgjkjlkñ). 2 of those 3 are nsfw.

[thoughtsofanexcitedspacechild]

50 things I’ve learned this year during a global pandemic/general life advice from your local teenage train wreck :) (Pt. 1)

1. It’s okay to let go. Of things, people, old interests, even your past self. It doesn’t matter. If it isn’t benefiting you anymore, it’s okay to let things go.  

2. No relationship is worth pursuing that doesn’t match your energy. If someone’s not matching the love you give them, pull back to match their energy. That way, you save your energy for the people in your life that do. Most times, the people who do match your love and energy are the one’s that are in it for the long run and will be there for you. 

3. Stop caring what other people think about your interest. Often times we have so much shame for liking what we like. Why is that? If it isn’t hurting anyone, then why does it matter that you have an obscure taste in music, books, movies, etc.? Stop apologizing for what you like!

4. It’s okay to not want to grow up, even if that’s all you wanted to do as a kid. You don’t have to grow up. 

5. Going off of that, if you’re a “gifted” or “mature” kid, it’s okay to mourn your childhood you never had. Watch that show that you never did as a kid and fall in love with it. Finger paint with no exterior motive. Read way below your reading level. Reread Harry Potter or the Percy Jackson series. Play outside. You deserve it. 

6. “Kids” shows, including atla, lok, etc. often have more complex and interesting plots and characters than most “adult” shows these days. Don’t dismiss something just because it’s geared for a younger audience. Watch and learn from them. 

7. The changes you want to happen don’t suddenly happen. They’ll happen after many months of trial, error, and consistency. Take baby steps and celebrate small victories. 

8. You’re body will always be imperfect, and it’s okay. You’ll eventually learn to accept it once it doesn’t change so fast during adolescence, but don’t feel pressured to. It’s okay to not like how you look, just don’t let it keep you from enjoying life and your body from serving it’s purpose. 

9. Most high school guys don’t want a serious, long term relationship yet. They all have to mature a little bit for that, and it’s normal to feel frustrated about it, but don’t blame them too hard for it. You matured at a faster rate then them, and they still need a little more time. The best thing to do it wait for it. 

10. Questioning your sexuality is a normal part of life. You like guys? Good! You into girls? Great! It literally doesn’t matter, and God doesn’t really care either. There’s nothing in the Bible against it, and he made you that way right? Why not embrace it! Asami was your first gai crush? WONDERFUL! me too! Want to label yourself? I’ll respect and support whatever your decision is! Don’t know or don’t want to? Also perfect!

11. God (or whatever you believe in, or don’t!) made you imperfect for a reason: to embrace those imperfections and grow through them, to improve. Why would God put you on this earth if He didn't think that you had a reason to grow closer to Him through your imperfections? Make sure you use and acknowledge your imperfections, because they’re your lifeline to Him in prayer. It’s what you need to improve on, and ask help for, and that’s okay! (Spoiler alert, even when you do this stuff and work super hard, you’re human, and you’re still gonna mess up and make mistakes! Perfection wasn’t intended for humans, and I don’t believe it ever will be!)

12. When summer rolls around, get a summer job. Go down to the local ice cream place and ask if they’re hiring. Get an application and fill it out nicely with good handwriting. Then, take it back and wait. If they say yes, great! If not, that’s good too! Keep looking! Once you’ve found a place, settle in. Learn how things work. Learn how to do your job good and effectively. Immerse yourself in it. Then, have fun. Name the machines. (Big Bertha the waffle iron, or Fernanda the flurry machine, etc.) Name the ice cream flavors after your favorite fictional characters based on what they’d order (Aang is cookie dough, Obi Wan is mint chocolate chip, etc). Make new friends there and schedule your shifts with them. Get them in on your games too! It makes it more fun. Take time to show them your names for the ice cream flavors and machines, and maybe start using the names as abbreviations to make orders more efficient. Make sure you work only how much you can handle, even if that’s once a week or seven days for nine hours each. Whatever makes you happy! If you work in customer service, make them smile. Give the little kid extra sprinkles for wearing a fun mask or stickers if you have them. If there’s a tired mom, help her out by prioritizing her order to get out fast if possible. Whatever helps them. Thank the customers that tip! Then, get your paycheck in the mail and save all your tips. Put it in the bank and save it for college or when you need it. (Make sure to buy yourself something nice with the money sometimes too!)

13. When in school, don’t feel pressure to over achieve all the time. It’s okay to do the bare minimum sometimes. If you have an A, why are you worrying about if it’s a 95 and not a 98? It’s still an a, and that’s great! School is there to help you learn, so don’t force yourself to do extra busy work for a little extra credit (unless you absolutely need it!).

14. Take time to learn and do other things outside school that you may not be getting credit for. They’ll serve you in the long run! You like to write fan fiction? Keep writing! It’s helping! You love a sport? Good! It’s keeping you healthy while teaching you real life skills. Most of these things are gonna stick with you forever, so keep doing them and don’t let you passion fade away.

15. Write letters to your friends that live far away. Even if they don’t respond, they will appreciate having something that’s harder to lose or accidentally get deleted. Make the letter nice with pretty paper or colored pens or stickers, and spray your favorite scent on the envelope. Then seal it with a sticker and send it off. They really will appreciate it. 

16. Splurge on your own Spotify premium account and make a playlist for each mood. Make one for studying, working out, singing at the top of your lungs, one for when your happy, sad, etc. (You can also search my name, Hana Zainea, to listen to any of my playlists and see if we have the same music taste. If so follow me there and I’ll follow back to see your playlists!) Listen to your music and take time to enjoy it. Set aside ten to fifteen minutes just to do that. Let it flow through you and wake your soul up. 

17. Learn how to make handmade gifts. Wether that’s learning to make necklaces, earrings, bracelets, crochet, knit, or even make a nice card with hand lettering, learn how to make at least one solid handmade gift. It’ll give you a new skill as well as let the other people in your life that you love them. Handmade gifts are valuable and kept forever no matter how good they look. 

18. If your best friend lives far away like mine does, plan a monthly bsf subscription box. You can send each other a letter and a few little self care gifts once a month. It’s soooo fun and I can’t recommend this enough. 

19. Have photos that you like printed in physical form and hang them on your wall even if it’s just with tape. You’ll like being able to see and access happy thoughts and memories easily and have them hanging on your wall instead of sitting in your camera roll. 

20. You don’t have to keep up with social media. Delete it if you want, or limit your time on it if you want. Sometimes the “connection” we experience through social media isn’t always healthy, so monitor your use. 

21. Have a screen time widget on your phone and keep track of it. Try to cut your usage down by half an hour every week and eventually reduce it to the amount of time that you’d like to spend on your phone without being excessive, whatever that looks like for you. 

22. Meditate. This isn’t anything religious or spiritual, and it brings many benefits. It’s basically you setting a time aside to think for yourself. You can use one of the hundreds of guided meditations on youtube, or listen to theta waves/meditation music or just find a quiet place. Find a place where you know you won’t be disturbed, and then start to let your mind wander. What’s bothering you. When you turn off you mind, what’s the first thing that pops up? What keeps you from just being? What do you need to focus on in order to help yourself feel better? What are some things that you regret that are weighing on your heart? Now, what is your desired reality? Where do you want to live? Who do you want to meet/live with? What do you do? What do you act like? What do you have to do to make this happen? If you pray/are a christian, ask God for help with this desired life. (Remember, ask and you shall receive!)

23. Get yourself a hydro flask or any other durable water bottle, specifically a 16 or 32oz one. This way, it’s way easier to keep track of how much water you are drinking. A 16oz bottle is one pint and a 32oz one is a quart. Four of the 32 and eight of the 16oz are a gallon. Start by trying to drink a quarter of a gallon (2 16 oz or 1 32 oz) then a half, then three quarters, and eventually you’ll be drinking a gallon plus of water a day. (Put stickers on it to motivate yourself. Trust me it works wonders having fun stuff on there. Makes it enjoyable) 

24. If you’re able, make and give gifts often. It brings more joy than expected. 

25. Get rid of clothes. Toss all the old ones out. Reinvent yourself. Invest in pieces of clothing that are timeless (crewneck sweaters, cable knit sweaters, tan and brown colored dress pants, nice wool coats and sweaters, etc.) You’ll have these forever. 

26. Maintain your physical appearance. Make sure to change your clothes, follow proper hygiene, use lotion, etc. You’ll feel much better, trust me. You don’t have to use expensive products or put on a full face of makeup either, but putting some effort in will make you feel much better about yourself. 

27. Find a tea that tastes good to you. (Preferably without caffeine so you can drink it whenever.) Try everything! Then get yourself a nice mug and have some at a dedicated time each day. Relax and enjoy a constant in your life. 

28. If you’re into it, research and try reality shifting. I’m not going to go into depth in this post (that would take awhile) but if you’re really needing an escape but can’t go on vacation due to money, time crunches, etc, you can shift to any alternate reality that you’d like. Further in depth post about this to come. 

29. Read. Anything. A book, and article, the paper, the news, even the back of a cereal box. Think about it. What did you learn? Anything? 

30. Never accept criticism from someone you wouldn’t go to for advice. 

31. Call your parents if you live away from home. If not, spend more time with them. They love and miss you. 

32. Same with your siblings. 

33. And grandparents.

34. Find a way to remember your home town. Know it like the back of your hand. 

35. Read Shell Silverstien poems. They’re funny. 

36. Have a piece of jewelry that you never take off. Keep it to remind yourself of your sanity and to remember yourself. 

37. Cry of you need to. It’s bad to hold it in. 

38. Series you should read (even though some are nerdy): Harry Potter, Percy Jackson/Heros of Olympus, The Hunger Games, The Red Queen Series, The Giver Series, Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit. 

39. Standalone books you should read: The Book Thief, The Fault in our Stars, They Both Die in the End, Where the Crawdads Sing, The Scarlet Letter, Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice, The DaVinci Code, The Great Gatsby, The Catcher in the Rye, Out of my Mind, Love that Dog, The Unfinished Angel, To Kill a Mockingbird, Romeo and Juliet

40. Shows you should watch: Avatar (Even if you’re a casual fan of the fandoms) : The Last Airbender, Legend of Korra, The Mandalorian, The Office, The Clone Wars, Parks and Rec., Stranger Things

41. Standalone Movies/Series you should watch: The Notebook, any of the Disney classics (specifically Lion King, Hercules, and others during that era), the Harry Potter movies, the Hunger Games movies, The Star Wars Movies, All of the Pixar movies (specifically Soul and Coco), Ten things I hate about you, the perks of being a wallflower, Clouds, If anything happens I love you

42. Artists to listen to: Norah Jones, James Taylor, John Denver, Anson Sebra, Ed Sheeran, The Paper Kites, The Artic Monkeys, Conan Grey, L. Dre (for Lofi) Song recs are on my Spotify haha (Hana Zainea) 

43. Invest in good supplies for art. It’ll make a difference.

44. When something feels off, clean your bathroom. Not your depression cave of a bedroom. Your bathroom. Trust me. It helps so so so much to have on clean space. 

45. Have a cohesive scent. Like lavender? Buy lavender everything. Use it in lotions, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, candles, etc. You’ll have a scent that people will now associate with you and you only. 

46. Learn how to cook while your at home. Ask your parents if you can go to a nutritionist and learn what foods nourish your body the best. Eat them and let yourself feel good about what you put in your body. 

47. Learn how to do basic home improvements while still at home. Fix toilets, clogged drains, clean ovens, showers, sinks, etc. You’ll be grateful. 

48. Don’t do drugs/drink. It’s not worth dulling your senses to miss out on your wonderful life. 

49. Annotate your books. It makes you engage more and you’ll like looking back on them. 

50. If no one is looking, you should totally cart surf down the isle at the grocery store. It’s the little things that count. 

[lizacstuff]

Bunch of anons about Carina and Roswell NM drama

Under the cut because it’s long and gossipy...

Anonymous said: Whatever nonsense Carina may have been up to with Jeanine and Nathan, both the leads have seemed to keep their private issues to themselves by not telling other cast or friends. That's why it angers me that the person who leaked the information disregarded Jeanine as a person and victim.

I’m of two minds on this.  On one hand I totally agree and I hate that Jeanine’s name was drug into this and her involvement was shared by the multiple inside sources, but on the other hand I do not like Carina, I think she was awful to work for, and I think it’s a good thing if it’s know in the industry that she created friction on set and was investigated by HR.  

She was so unprofessional, just from what we could see as fans, that she should NOT be put in charge of another show any time soon. So I think for the sake of people she will work with in the future, it’s a good thing it’s out there.  She has a whole lot of growing to do before she should ever work in television again. 

You make a good point about Jeanine and Nathan keeping their business to themselves.  Carina is out there over-sharing constantly, putting every neurosis on full display, and forcing half the cast to be out drinking and entertaining her on a regular basis. While those two, kept quiet and out of the spotlight. In interviews/panels they’ve both been completely professional, doing their jobs while also being charming, funny and eloquent.  

It was obvious to those of us watching closely that all was not well between J/N and Carina when the season started shooting. Carina was bitchier when she talked about them and those characters than she had been before, and J/N were nowhere to be seen in her braggy out-partyin’-with-my-cast IG stories and posts.  

As you say, it doesn’t look like J/N tried to drag any other cast or crew into whatever the issue was. I’m not sure the same can be said for Carina, that speaks volumes about the character of all involved. 

Anonymous said: I saw that abnormallyadam is doing a live social media thing with Jeanine and Vlamis soon. I guess we might get more information then and if Jeanine decides to say anything.

How hilarious would it be if Adam gets the scoop of a lifetime!?

I’m guessing this chat or whatever it is was set up before Jeanine and Vlamis knew the studio was going to swoop in and make their lives a whole lot better by firing Carina. So it will be interesting to see if it still happens on schedule or if it’s postponed for awhile.  

If it does go on, I think they will probably cover it really quickly and superficially like Vlamis did when he was schilling his merch the other night and then move on.  They won’t deep dive into it, that’s for sure. 

Anonymous said: Carina has been tweeting incessantly today! Like tweeting about other meaningless things won't make people forget lol. Also about that anon message you received about unfollowing nathan - wowwww she used to be up his butt.

Yes, remember the days when Carina used him as her social media crutch (every post she makes like that with a hot actor or country singer is basically her rampant insecurities saying: “hey look at the hot guy(s) who hang out with me and take pictures with me, it means I have value ya’ll!”) before she moved onto Trevino and then Vlamis.  So sad.   

They were clearly friends after The Originals and she invited him to audition.  I’m glad she did, he’s great in the role. Although it sounds like he was lucky that the President of the CW saw him and told her he was a leading man, since she didn’t see him as a lead. Sometime a friend’s preconceived notions might actually hold a person back... 

Who knows what happened, but just knowing human nature and Carina’s energy, I’ve always wondered if she thought she was going to have her friend on set and he was gonna be her social crutch, her go-to to entertain her and party with her, but right off the bat he and Jeanine got together so during the first season filming he wasn’t so much interested in the single, going-out partying lifestyle that she’s clearly addicted to and that rankled her a bit. Perhaps she lost her party buddy to her leading lady, and the loss of that attention “displeased” her. (to quote Kamran who said Carina told the writers to punish actors who displeased her by reducing their screen time. Interesting thought, no?)

Anonymous said: Well the interesting thing is some of the other people she follows don't post much either and she continues to follow them. Interesting interesting.

I know. She didn’t unfollow him because of that. That was definitely a show of cutting ties with him. It was probably in a fit of rage because she can’t unfollow Jeanine (because that would look terrible).  Also she has been so humiliated between being unceremoniously fired and losing her development deal with WB, the Hollywood Reporter article making her look terrible, and that writer spilling tea, that my guess is she’s hoping to shift focus to someone else and she knows unfollowing him will make us all wonder why. 

Anonymous said: Well shoot, maybe it was Nathan and not Jeanine who went to hr? And Carina found out? Or Nathan took the fall? Sorry I'm just going down a rabbit hole of conspiracy.

In my opinion there’s no reason to think those sources got it wrong. I would guess that Jeanine was involved, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t also involve Nathan.  Those two are a self-professed team, so no reason to think they wouldn't be in this instance as well. 

Anonymous said: Does this mean she'll unfollow Jeanine too??

I’m sure she wants to, but she can’t unless she wants to confirm that, yes, there was friction on the set and, yes, there was a specific problem with her leading lady.

Carina went out of her way to try and combat the “rumors” about her and Jeanine not getting along, addressing the situation in her goodbye post-- drawing more attention to it in the process-- so unfollowing her now would just make her look foolish and like everything she said was a lie and everything from the inside sources is true.  

Anonymous said: Carina will definitely do something stupid. She can't help herself. But even though there's no reason to follow Nathan, he's been inactive on Twitter for over a year and for her to unfriend now during this drama and mess...how is that a coincidence?

As I said above, I know it’s not a coincidence.  She’s dumb because by doing that she pretty much confirmed that there was friction on the set.  If there wasn’t, she wouldn’t be unfollowing the person in the main cast who she was closest too prior to the show. 

Part of me wonders if, as an old friend, she asked him for something (to defend her or a show of support) and he wouldn't do it.  Perhaps she’s most hurt by him not supporting her since they were friends before and she did give him a lead role on a network show (and also accidentally introduced him to his girlfriend.)  Maybe she thought he owed her and he didn't step up to defend her or even just give a tacit show of support by responding to her social media posts on leaving??

I’m guessing if he had come out of social media hibernation to give her one of those paltry “Thanks for everything” responses to her IG post like the other actors she wouldn't have unfollowed him. 

Anonymous said: Someone said the writer deleted all his tweets about Carina.

Not surprising, it was a crazy spree he was on, who wants to bet that he got contacted by a lawyer late Friday night?

I’m sure Carina was doing everything in her power to threatened him and to get him to stop. 

Anonymous said: I remember the writer also referring to Nathan as Carina's "friend." Is it in quotations because they are not actually friends? Frenemy? Carina was recently saying nice things about Nathan so based on her perspective, she thinks they were still on good terms?

Well they were apparently friends before he was cast, what happened after that is hard to say. They seemed fine during the promotion of season 1, but as soon as season 2 started filming, Carina’s tone when talking about him and Max got ugly and Nathan and Jeanine were staying far away from her socially. I mean Jeanine hosted a ladies Friendsgiving at their house, where 40 women from the cast and crew came over for a Thanksgiving feast, but the female showrunner wasn’t there. Hmmmm...

However, this spring things seemed to have thawed a bit.  Jeanine and Carina would occasionally like each other’s IG post (someone pointed out to me that had stopped during summer of 2019 and they didn’t engage with each other’s posts much if at all during S2 filming) Jeanine and Carina did that IG live and Carina was talking positively about Nathan and Max and seemed to be setting him up for a big season 3 with the dual roles and talking excitedly about that, so honestly, to me, it seemed like they had made their peace.  Perhaps Carina getting fired (and the straw that broke the camel’s back on that was clearly her idiotic tirade against the UK distributor) brought back up all the issues??? Or maybe Carina blamed them because of the prior issues? Or maybe they didn’t support her with the studio when she was trying to salvage her job? All I know is that Carina’s public behavior on social media is enough grounds to fire her, so she has no business blaming anyone but herself. 

Anonymous said: Someone said to the writer that jeanine, amber and nathan are staying silent on the matter and kamran replied that "Silence speaks louder than words." just above that they also were wondering who Carina harassed and bullied into silence? was it nathan?

Who knows... ask the writer. 

Anonymous said: Carina going from Zapit straight to writing for TVD is peak white privilege. After that THR article you could tell she believed a little too much how far that privilege would get her. Good riddance. Good luck getting another job for being such a big liability. I don't see any corporation hiring her again.

I think the only way she’s getting another job in TV anytime soon is if Julie gives it to her. She’s talented, once she grows up maybe she’ll be capable of running a show, but it was clear from the peanut gallery she should never have been given that amount of responsibility that she had on RNM. 

[purplesurveys]

964

..leave me here in my..stark raving sick sad little world.. by daizy62

**GENERAL JUNK** How many people do you know with the same first name as you? Two with the exact same spelling, three with a different spelling than mine. What in your opinion is the best love song ever written? Always so much pressure and a lot of thinking to answer superlatives like this...I haven’t listened to all the love songs in existence so I wouldn’t even be credible to begin with. My answer is pretty basic; I love Yellow by Coldplay. What were you doing at this time yesterday? I was either taking a shower or playing with Cooper, I can’t remember well. Have you done anything drastic to alter your physical appearance recently? No. I’m not the biggest fan of change, and that trickles down to my physical appearance. I like to stay where I am and only ever act on change if I get an extreme urge, like earlier this year when I got my bangs and had my hair cut all the way to my neck. Is there anything bothering you right now? Sadly there always is now. It’s gonna be lingering for a while and all I can do is wait it out. I hate not being in control of things, and that bothers me too.

Are you wearing shoes right now? No. No shoes are allowed beyond the first few steps from our front door.

How old were you in 2005? I was 7 and starting first grade. Pro-life/Pro-choice? Choice. Are you wearing anything purple? I guess some would consider it purple. My shorts are in the middle of being pink and purple, so I’m sure some level of confusion is bound to come up if people were to tell what color they think it is. Do you live east or west of the Mississippi River? I live very far away from it. Have you ever been to Chicago? No but it’s my favorite city in the US. If I had to go to the country one day, it has to be a trip to Chicago and nothing more. Do you drive a stick-shift? Nope. Never learned, not really willing to. Have you kissed anyone who's name started with A, K, M, or T? No. Do you have a sister? Yep, a younger one. Where are you right now? I’m in my room, at my desk.  Do you straighten your hair? Never. Not a good look on me. Do you have a gym membership? No. I’ve never been interested. Can you count to 10 in another language? Of course. Is there a calendar in the room you are in? There are digital ones on my phone and laptop, but I’ve never put up a physical calendar in my room. Is it possible you could be pregnant? Hah, not a chance. How long is it until your birthday? 7 months. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? I know one person in real life; the rest are celebrities. Was your mother married when she had you? Yeah, I was born less than a week before their first wedding anniversary. Would you ever go skinny dipping with your #1? **LASTS** What was the last thing you drank? I finished up the last few drops of my coffee from my mug last night. Last thing you ate? A pizza roll. I think I’m gonna be called for breakfast in a few minutes though. What was the last movie you watched in theaters? Knives Out, last December. I’ve been giving the same answer for months now lmao. I wish I can watch movies at the theatres again. What was the last thing you watched on tv? The evening news last Friday. That’s the only thing I watch on an actual TV these days. I prefer watching everything else on my phone or laptop now. Who was the last person to text you? Andrew. They checked up on me last night – I’m guessing they’ve noticed I’ve gone off the radar on all social media, so I appreciate the words they gave me. They made me feel present. Who was the last person to call you? My dad. I heated up water last night to make coffee but I didn’t want to keep waiting downstairs, so I told him I was gonna head to my room first and to just text me if the water’s all ready. He ended up calling my phone. 

Where was the last place you went? Bathroom, to take a shower. When did you last hang out with your 22nd phone contact? I have not seen him since March, and I think the last time we were together was at a local protest in my college. We’re not friends though so I think it’s too much to call it ‘hanging out’ lol. Our relationship was mostly professional. Who was the last person to comment you? I haven’t been on social media for a week or two now, so I no longer remember who commented on any of my statuses or tweets last. Ate Alyanna maybe? Aliyah? I really have no clue. When was the last time you kissed someone? Just a little less than a month ago. When was the last time you stayed out all night? 2017, I think? I enjoy staying up til like 2 or 3 AM, but pulling all-nighters just sounds like way too much. I like being able to catch up on sleep because not enough of it makes me cranky. When was the last time you went to Walmart? I’ve never been inside one. What is the last digit of your phone number? 5. When was the last time you were in the car for more than an hour? There was a short period last month where I’d go to my car and stay there for an hour or so whenever I started to feel especially distraught, so that I can have a good cry alone for as long as I want and be loud if I needed to. But I’m really glad it never developed into a full-blown habit and that I only did it a handful of times. Where was your last vacation to? It was a quick weekend trip rather than a vacation, but we went to Tagaytay and Cavite. Ugh, I reeeeeally miss going out of town... Who was the last person you rode in a car with? It’s been a while since I was in a car with anyone since I usually drive on my own and the only being I’ve been bringing with me is Cooper. I think the last people were my parents. When was the last time you had to be up before 7 AM? Two weeks ago for my job interview. I dunno if it’s right to say that I had to be up before 7 AM since the lockdown has greatly reduced the traffic in Manila and I didn’t need to get on the road super early to beat the traffic, but I still set my alarm to around 5:30 AM anyway because I like allotting several hours to prepare for things as important as that. Who was the last person(s) you took a photo with? I haven’t done that with anyone other than my dogs. My camera roll’s been devoid of other people for the past few months. When was the last time you saw your dad? Like half an hour ago. Why did you cry the last time you did? Because the sads had finally hit me and I started feeling worthless again. When was the last time someone gave you a compliment? Sometime last week. Apparently my mom and aunt got to talking about me and my new job and my aunt apparently complimented me on my chosen career field and said that I was a better fit for PR than journalism and broadcasting, which is what everyone in my family originally expected me to land in. That really means a lot, considering how much happier I am in this path.

When was the last time you locked your keys in the car/locked yourself out? I locked myself out sometime in late 2019, but it was because my key to the front door fell out of my keychain while I was in school and I never noticed :( What was the last thing you spent money on? We had Kimi trimmed and groomed the other day. When did you last see your #2? **FINISH THE SENTENCE** I should probably: Discover a new hobby that can help with my mental health and overall wellness. Crocheting? Baking? Working out? All sound good at the moment. We’ll see. When I can't sleep: I pick out a few YouTube videos to watch and keep me company until I start feeling sleepy. I need more: Happiness. Right now I would love: For things to settle back into normal again. I feel like I’m living in the middle of a nightmare. My last kiss was: A month ago. If I could, I would: Move and start anew somewhere else. When I'm pissed: I need to be alone so that I don’t end up accidentally exploding on someone who doesn’t deserve it. I am listening to: Rhett and Link trying unconventional dumplings. I never leave the house without: Phone, keys, wallet. I believe in: Gender equality, marriage equality, pay equality. Granting people their rights, basically. I am wearing: A shirt all the way from high school. I tend to daydream when: I’m bored and stuck somewhere I can’t leave, like a boring class lecture. My grandma is: They *are* amazing cooks. After this I am going to: Try to find another survey to take...or maybe find something in the pantry to eat because my stomach’s grumbling a bit, ha.

[deepphantomstarfish]

Starting a Tumblr

I stared at the screen in dumbfound shock, realizing, lost in an abyss of wondering why, that I had been brushed off. From friendship, from life, from a girl who I thought was my friend and wanted to see me grow. My thumb hovered over the list of followers on instagram, wondering why. I thought this girl was my friend.

I’ve been on an up and down spiral these past few days locked inside my house and room, the cold whispering in spiraling snowflakes outside my window, leaving me and my family to remain in our own little bubbles once again. I’m surprised I don’t consider myself a ballerina in a snow globe by now, just waiting to be turned to the enjoyment of those around me.

I can’t remember what ‘triggered’ it, what set me off on deciding I was going to go through my instagram followers and those I was following and start trimming off any emotional baggage or weight preventing me from growing. I think I was already considering it for a long time as I’d been getting signs, thoughts, and just thinking in general about leaving instagram for a while due to the toxicity its had on my life and others as a whole. So that’s what I’ve been doing these past couple of days - considering leaving I decided before I did anything too drastic and just pulled a plug all together perhaps following a guide to reduce the amount of people I follow and following smartly might help my negativity surrounding it. But, that’s when I stumbled across something that I never expected and I wasn’t prepared for;

A girl, who I thought I was pretty good friends with, had unfollowed me and I didn’t even know when. I hadn’t even considered it a possibility that she would have, especially because I went to her birthday party just a few weeks ago and had a absolutely great time. I had even spent all day gathering her a gift, a gift I knew I would have loved, of cute trinkets such as a candle, body exfoliator, some super soft soap, and a picture frame with recently developed some pictures I took on my phone when we were still in high school. I even included more thinking that, since it was her 21st I wanted to get her a nice gift as I did with all my friends I appreciated in the past. 

But I had to leave the party early, which I told her before I left why I had to leave. Maybe I should have told her before I came to her party but anyway I had to leave early. However, she seemed fine before I left.

Yet, here I am. I don’t know what led me to look under her following list. I’ve felt like a bit superficial in the past few days unfollowing anybody who doesn’t or hasn’t followed me back but if I’m going to be honest I don’t judge anyone too harshly for it. But it does feel so liberating especially considering this isn’t a new thing for me; ever since I was little... I was always the friend put second. And I’d always put up with that. I’d always taken whatever anyone would give thinking the best of everybody. I was always the one no one ever invited not because I was negative I assume... honestly I don’t know why. I never complained though because well I’m gonna be blunt... No one wants to hear the woes of a girl who has ‘it all’ on the outside, living with a/c, electricity, and a bed to comfort her. However, it has always bothered me even though it wasn’t something I could really complain about - being the second girl. The one no one really took the time to remember. Being on the outside I always wanted friends, lots of them. I just wanted what anyone else did - to be happy. 

And yet, why couldn’t anybody see? Why was everyone so willing to put me second? To live as though I was fine with being forgotten?

So if I’m going to be honest, going through my social media followings in order to reduce the negativity in my life felt so liberating as the more I just thought - well why not? Let’s just reduce our platform so we don’t have to spend so much time on it, the more I felt like I was starting to put myself first. It was a feeling I... it made me happier, feel freer the more I went on. The rules were twofold- don’t go out searching like some crazed number psychopath. Just next time you get on, the first few people who pop up in your feed see if they’ve been following you, ask yourself what are they contributing to your life or if they are even in your day to day, week to week life. If they aren’t in your life and they haven’t followed you back, you don’t have to keep following them. You aren’t under any obligation, you don’t owe them a thing. Apologies if I sound so shallow and childish. This should be common sense but I guess it took me a while to learn to start taking care of myself.

Anyway, I’ve actually... been enjoying this process of growth I guess. Oh boy, does that make me a sociopath? Who knows, I don’t know. All I know is every time I stopped giving my energy to people who seemingly were on my feed, I was following out of some social obligation, out of hope they might turn around one day and say ‘hey you you’re worthy of my time and attention too! Even though I don’t follow you’, even though in the grand scheme of things this might all be baloney... I still felt. Lighter, I guess. It was so relieving. 

But then when I was out last night with my family to celebrate my little sister’s birthday, and decided to text the girl I’m referring to, a girl I assumed I was friends with, if she wanted to celebrate with us at our house later, I didn’t get an answer. I was confused as I’d seen her story the past few days. I’d replied to a few of them to no response. Which wasn’t odd - I don’t blame her, we can’t all reply to people 24/7. Not to mention this is something she’s asked me before and I have always been so delighted every time she’d invite me over, I thought it was time to return the offer. But the longer I continued to check for a response, or to see the usual ‘read’ receipt on the text, the longer I began to suspect something was up. 

Could she... have just ignored me? I thought.

No. 

No, she wouldn't; I don’t think she’s that kind of person. She wouldn’t just get upset about something and not tell me right? She wouldn’t just drop me from our life?

The thought hit me; check her following. 

No, how childish can I be right? It’s just instagram, it’s not like she’d literally drop me without telling me. It doesn’t mean anything. But if that’s the case, then... what’s the harm, right?

I went to check. Low and behold. She was following everyone in our circle but me.

Once again, sorry if this sounds so arrogant. The world isn’t only mine. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.

No warning. No confrontation. I even gave her a card I’d taken the time to write just for her and our friendship. Not even a reply to my text. To this moment, even though it was last night I still haven’t gotten a response and I’m just going to assume I’m not going to because this girl is, whenever she’s not at work, literally on her phone 24/7 and it’s the running joke we have in our circle. 

Stunned, I refreshed the page over and over again. Days of finding out who I thought was just stringing me along as a digit in their follower count, of finding out who it was that actually wanted to watch me grow, or maybe this doesn’t mean anything at all and she just doesn’t want to follow me anymore it’s possible... even though I know to her that’s unlikely - instagram means something to girls like this. And, honestly. To girls like me too. No, not the follow count. Not the superficial lies of it all. 

Just the truth echoing behind the screens. And this lie was all I needed to see to understand a truth I thought didn’t extend to her -- I was excess. A photographer for her pretty lies. This surprised me because I just, I guess I thought she was better than the other girls who’d come and gone so easily in my life; from grade school to high school, I could tell the ones who reciprocated the energy I gave to them and I thought she cared about our friendship. So, if our exchanges meant so little to her when I thought we were close... if I was the second piece, not someone to support her in everything she did like I try to be in all my friendships,

I was done.

Days of realizing who treated the instagram machine like their own personal game and their actual social circle, I was done trying to pretend like this didn’t hurt me anymore. I won’t lie- this did kind of hurt. 

But if she wants to show up and pretend like I didn’t notice, just know; I’m done trying to pretend like people put me second. I am worthy of having people in my life who care about me in my circle, and actually care. If anyone actually reads this, feel free to make fun of me but just know don’t pretend like instagram doesn’t mean anything to some people. I’m learning to downsize mine so it means less. But you know as well as I do there are those out there treating it like their personal wealth machine, dragging their ‘friends’ along like spare bodies to hold the camera instead of actual support systems.

So anyway. Learning to put myself first isn’t going to be easy. Especially when I've been grading myself morally for so long on putting up with others, taking whatever comes my way and going the extra mile for everyone. I still will. But now, as someone who is starting to learn how to have healthy relationships with herself and others for her own happiness, someone who is prioritizing growing in this weird time of my life, I’m going to say fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. But drop me three times, I’m going to be kind to everyone and learn to forgive, but it’s time I start taking care of myself and knowing where my happiness really is.

This Tumblr is my journey. Of life, and my career. I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know where I’ll be, but if you like this is going to be my journey. In writing, trying to become a successful author hopefully or wherever my thoughts and life takes me. This is my first step in choosing how to show up for myself.

As a reminder, it’s okay to still love other people, forgive and support them. But the moment it becomes at the expense of yourself is the moment you need to take a step back. I hope whoever is reading this knows they are worthy of true happiness, no matter who they might offend. A clean and kind one. This Tumblr is my journey to a healthy life (not a professional guide. Just me, a girl trying to find her way in her own little world), a better me conducive to the mindset and future I’ve always not dreamt of, but needed. If you want to tag along, thank you. I guess the first step to learning how to enjoy life is to let go of all that no longer carries you and to just know that, it’s okay to put yourself first on the road too healing.

I’m not going to pretend like I know it all- I’m just an ordinary 20 year old girl in an odd 21st century. Who overthinks all the time, loves sea creatures and wild orca/killer whale pics, loves books and writing even though her ADDD can be hard to manage still she tries, who wants to write a book even though she has writer’s block most of the time, but is always observing. Always hoping to learn more. A girl who loves God, but  has also unfortunately seen the downsides of religion. A girl who for most of her life has wanted happiness, has wanted just for once not to be second place in her own life. This blog, these are my thoughts and this is just my ordinary journey to finding out where I want to be. A place where I can be me, happy and loved in my own life. Tag along if you like!  

Thank you for reading this. Even if it literally seems like the silliest most emotionally overblown post about social media (lol), thank you.

[doinbetter]

digital detox

On average in the past month, I’ve spent 4.5 hours a day on my phone. (that doesn’t even include screen time on my laptop!!) some articles say that americans spend between 4-6 hours a day on their phones. (source = a google search) 

And i’ve been having a bit of a crisis recently because of this & I’m realizing that I don’t have any actual hobbies because I just fill my time outside of work and school online consuming other people’s content. sooooo I wanted to challenge myself while I’m taking a break from school and work in september to get unaddicted to social media and to find hobbies and passions to fill my time outside of school. I feel like i’ve already wasted so much time and I want to feel excited about something! I want to feel like I’m doing something to actually use and grow my skills. 

I’m gonna share the challenge on my blog because I also realized I want to make more content for u all, but I realize its kinda counterintuitive to be telling people to get off the internet while i’m posting this... on the internet ... anyways heres the plan

1.) Before the detox, choose some hobbies and have things ready for yourself to do during times where you’d normally be on your devices. (fat list of hobbies , website with lots of hobbies ) 

for example, what i’m going to be doing is getting better at knitting (i want to make pillows for everyone! and maybe if I get good at making them I can sell them!), i’m going to start writing music again (i used to write a lot of songs & learn to play other peoples songs, but I stopped as I got older and went off to school). I’m also going to read more in my relaxation time and I’m going to spend more time hiking and outdoors in my hometown. there are so many other things to be doing than being online! I also want to try to write more actual helpful posts on here, rather than just scrolling and reblogging. 

2.) rules for the detox: we’re going to completely remove nonessential use of social media/the internet for the month. this will help us break our habit of reaching for our phone in every moment of boredom. it’ll be helpful to deactivate accounts & delete the apps for social media from our phones. we have to learn to be okay without always having something to consume or something to occupy us. 

you can adjust this to your own situation though: for example, I’m going to keep spotify on my phone because I enjoy listening to music in the car, but I deleted my instagram account and deleted all of the social media apps from my phone. instead of reading news from online sources, I’m going to read the newspaper. instead of reading books on the kindle app, i’m going to get books from the library to read. if i want to watch netflix, i have to watch it with other people as a bonding activity rather than just as an escape. things like that. 

the goal is just to figure out how we want to optimize use of the technology within our own lives without letting it take up so much of our time and energy. 

*(if you depend on any specific app for work or if your life would be greatly negatively affected by stopping use, carve times out of your schedule to use it, and put it away when you aren’t using it for work purposes.) 

3.) A useful thought I have when choosing what to keep on my devices is “was this available to people in the early 2000s before the mobile social media era?” I find that a lot of aspects of modern smartphone technology aren’t harmful at all when I separate things through that lens, and that I can still get a lot of the benefits of living in a time like today without letting it distract me. Like using your phone as a camera is great, being able to call/text people to make plans to meet in real life is great, having music on your phone is great, having a portable gps is great. these arent things that we mindlessly use, and they can be great tools in life. 

4.) for more information on digital detoxes / how reducing technology use can impact our lives: listen to the “It’s complicated” podcast on spotify (user: TIME TO LOG OFF) or read digital minimalism by cal newport. these resources have really influenced my decision to want to get offline and put my time into other things. also, please comment / send me an ask about any other resources/ books you have enjoyed abt unplugging! 

[dxitydoo]

So... the iPhone SE...

Alright this one is gonna be a long one so scroll on past if you’re not interested. If you are, then buckle up because here’s a multi-part essay about my opinions on the new SE.

For anyone that saw my post about getting a new phone and wondered what phone I got, I got the new iPhone SE (yes, I’m an Apple person. Don’t come for me).

At first, I was seeing videos of people getting excited over the phone but now, as time has gone on, those same people are now making videos criticising the phone.

Admittedly, they have some good points to bring up. The battery of the new SE is not amazing. It doesn’t outlast my dad’s XR which is somewhat annoying to say the least.

My counter-argument to that is that it lasted a whole day of me playing games on full brightness in the sunlight and didn’t die on me once which is honestly incredible after the last phone i had but anywho we’ll discuss this later.

My problem with a lot of those videos is that I feel like they’re getting the wrong end of the stick about what the SE is trying to be and they’re comparing it to the wrong phones.

The Original SE

The original SE’s main selling point (seriously why did Apple name them like this this is confusing) was that it had the newer internals of the 6S (so the faster processor, the better camera, etc) in the smaller body of the older 5S.

That was why I, and a lot of others I’m sure, liked it. Because it was a newer phone but in a size I preferred.

It also didn’t break the bank.

The old SE was praised for combining new and old in a way that complimented the old form-factor and rejuvenated in while also allowing people to access the newer features that were coming out in updates. At the time of writing this (27/04/2020), the old SE still supports new iOS updates and runs iOS 13 with minimal hiccups (not counting the fact that iOS 13 isn’t the most bug-free of updates).

But now, in 2020, the new SE is released and people are criticising it for the same thing they praised it for back in the day. They’re complaining that it has Touch ID, that it doesn’t have a edge-to-edge display, that it’s small, that the battery isn’t good, that the camera doesn’t stack up.

Look.

Everyone is free to have their own opinion. If you don’t like the SE, that’s fine. You don’t have to. No one is forcing you to. Just keep scrolling coz I do like the SE and I’m about to defend it til I run out of breath.

The “Old” Body

The SE combines old and new. That’s it’s schtick, that’s its gimmick. It was the thing for the 2016 SE, its the same for the 2020 SE. Although I would’ve loved to see an SE with an edge-to-edge display like any of the X or the 11 range, I’m not super surprised it hasn’t happened.

In fact, the small changes they have made, such as all colours now coming with a black bevel (and the better colour matching between the bevel and the screen), make it look really high-quality and beautiful honestly.

It has the same body as the 6, yes, but it doesn’t look like the 6 because of that colour-matching. And I appreciate that.

Oh! And the back being the non-metallic colour? God that’s sexy. The back is more reminiscent of the 11 (or the XR, I suppose, depending on what colour you got) than the 6 or 7. So it’s not unchanged?

Touch ID and Haptic Touch

Again, a controversial topic. The Touch ID in the SE is like the 3rd Gen or something?? I don’t actually know. But it’s several generations in at this point and it shows.

I came from the original SE, which had one of the first ever generations of Touch ID (if not the first) and the speed with which this new phone unlocks is incredible compared to the older model.

I tap the button once and the phone unlocks instantly. That is it.

Maybe it’s cumbersome to have Touch ID back again after all this time but if you’ve come from a Touch ID phone, especially one of the older models (which really... I think that’s probably the intended audience), it’s a big improvement.

And look no further for someone who was viscerally against the fake button Haptic Touch thing.

I hated the idea of it. My view was I either wanted the real button or no button at all. Full stop. End of story. You’d never change my mind.

Yeah... the new SE changed my mind.

I have the haptics turned up to the highest setting and it actually feels like a real button. Its less spongy than a real button, of course, and feels stiffer (kinda? Maybe just shallower) but its actually a really satisfying feature.

I remember first trying the fake button on the 7 and it vibrated at the wrong time or you’d try to press it to do one thing and it’d do another. It was confusing and made it very difficult to use.

I will say now I haven’t actually tried using an 8 so I can’t pass judgement on that but i like the SE.

And the Haptic Touch is really really nice.

I never thought I’d have a phone that has built-in rumble when playing games but here we are. This is the future.

Aside from being kinda nifty to feel the vibration in your hands when something happens on-screen, the Haptic Touch vibrates under your finger when interacting with the rotating dials to set timers or reblogging posts on tumblr. It’s a weird experience but not an unpleasant one and I like it way more than I was expecting to.

The Small Size

As for the size?

I really like it.

It’s big enough that it feels like a step-up from my old phone but not so big that I’m struggling to hold it (*cough cough* the XR *cough cough*).

Okay so my touch-typing is suffering a wee bit at the moment but tbh I started to struggle on my old phone before I upgraded coz the screen was just a little too small so it’s more a me thing than an it thing. I’m sure I’ll get used to it.

The camera.

I feel the need to mention that my last phone was the 2016 SE so, maybe it’s because my standards are really low, or maybe I’ve never owned an 11 and, therefore, have no comparison for it that way? But I don’t think the camera is bad.

In fact, I would even go so far as to say the camera is really fricking good.

After using a phone with a front-facing camera that could barely shoot 480p, stepping up to 1080p on the front is Wild™. The difference between this new camera and the old one is incredible.

If you want a camera that shoots good quality photos, has good colour balance, can actually show the sky as blue when shooting through a window (yes this is how low my expectations are), then omg this phone is incredible.

Obviously, its never gonna beat the 11 with its two cameras and its not gonna be able to contend with the 11 Pro series with their three cameras but hey, the phone is like half the price so??

The Battery

Okay, so lets talk about the battery.

I know this is a bit of a sore spot with people because iPhones recently have been coming out with bigger and better batteries every year.

I did a quick check through and, according to Apple, the battery life is about the same as both the 7 and the 8, which makes sense as they all share the same body. Unfortunately, that means that its probably a size issue. As in, thats the longest a battery of that size can last in a phone. Which is kinda annoying.

But, this is a post about my experience with the SE and I haven’t ever owned a 7 or an 8. My mum owned a 7 and the battery on that was god-awful and I’ve had a much better experience with my SE than she did.

First of all: some context.

Again, a friendly reminder my last phone was a four year old SE. It was a 64GB one as well, so you know I’m being legit (they stopped selling the 64GB (in the UK at least) about a year after the phone’s initial release).

So the battery on my old phone was absolutely fine. At first. As time went on and the phone got older, it did, unfortunately, begin to struggle.

As a reference, a few months before I replaced it (given lockdown doesn’t give the most accurate overview of what it was like to use on a day-to-day basis), it wouldn’t make it through a day at school without dying at least once, sometimes twice.

I had to carry a portable charger with me everywhere I went.

I left my house when it was on 100% and, by the time I got to school after an hour on the bus, it would be on 60-70% on a good day.

Letting your battery die everyday is really not good for it but, try as I might, I couldn’t stop it from happening.

I tell you this to let you know that my criteria for a good battery is literally just “lasts me through the day”.

I’ve had my new phone for about three days now and it hasn’t died on me once.

I played games on it in bright sunlight with the phone on full brightness for several hours straight yesterday and yet it still lasted me through the day and then some. After being off charge for 11 hours, it just about hit 20% before I put it on charge.

Today, I was on social media: tumblr, instagram, youtube, for the majority of today. Both tumblr and instagram had an uncanny ability to completely decimate the battery life of my old phone. They could reduce it from 50% to 40% after 5 minutes. But, again, no problemo for my new phone.

It got to about 50% today before I put it back on charge to go have dinner.

I’d say that lasts through the day quite nicely.

Especially given it’s getting a lot more use than it would normally because a) I’m stuck inside with nothing to do and b) shiny new phone!!!

But I digress.

So, Why Does The SE Exist?

I’m gonna be real. I don’t think the iPhone SE (2020) is trying to be anything fancy. It’s not trying to be the next iPhone 11, it’s not trying to replace the XR. If anything, it’s replacing the 8.

I don’t think the SE is a bad phone. It does everything it says it does and it does it well.

I think the YouTube reviewers have it slightly wrong. I don’t think they should be comparing the SE to the 11 or the XR because, realistically, the people who own those phones aren’t gonna be buying the SE for themselves.

The people who are gonna be buying the SE are the people who have the 5s or the old SE or the 6s or even maybe the 7. (I’m not sure how noticeable the jump would be from 8 to SE, given they have very similar specs).

They’re the kind of people who want a new phone but don’t have the money to go for the more expensive XR or 11 range.

Or maybe they don’t want a giant phone because idk bout you but I have small hands and the XR is both large and heavy and that’s not practical. Plus, the XR with women’s jeans? Really? Not happening.

So, while I understand why reviewers are comparing the SE to the 11s or the XR—because the SE has the internals of those two and is closer to them in terms of release date—I don’t think it’s actually realistic.

TL;DR

YouTube reviewers are comparing the SE to the recent phones when they should be comparing it to the older ones, which is the more likely transition. The iPhone SE has a lot more going for it than people say and I really like it.

[stellar-imagines]

SCENARIO REQUEST: ❝work it out together.❞

[ Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia ] [ Characters: Todoroki Shouto ]

「You weren’t in good terms with your father. When he left for a particularly long business trip, you and your mother didn’t complain. In fact, you felt more at ease.」

TODOROKI SHOUTO

"Mom? What's wrong?" you questioned after seeing your mother sigh and put away her phone.

"It's your dad.... he's sending messages asking where you are and how you’re doing." your mom said as you put your pencil down. 

When you heard your own phone ring, you didn't have to unlock your phone to see who it was. Just from the lock screen and the amount of texts, you deduced that it was from your father. You unconsciously rubbed your temples, flipping over a page of your book to see more questions that had been marked. UA wasn't all about training to be heroes, everyone is required to learn basic high school subjects like History and Maths. The house was silent and the mention of your father made your expression fall. When the messages kept on coming, you silenced your phone and got back to finishing your work. Your mom gave you a pat before telling you that she was going to do some cleaning. 

Your mother had always been protecting you from your father. He was abusive and manipulative. It first started with your dad hitting you when you misbehaved. Of course, you initially decided to keep it to yourself, not wanting to be burden to your mother who’s always working in the house for the family. But when you came across your dad shouting and threatening your mother to hurt you if she messed up, your dam broke.

"What's wrong [First Name]?" 

"Huh?" you looked up to see the concerning look from Todoroki who sat across you, he was in the middle of eating. The noise around you suddenly became so clear which made you realize that you were in the canteen. Your gaze landed on your untouched food. Uraraka who had called out to you, began to grow suspicious.

"Are you sick or something?" she asked.

"No....nothing like that. Just thinking about something." you chuckled softly, before picking up your utensils to eat.

You heard your phone go off a few times, vibrating inside your pocket. It was usually your mother and your friends texting you but they would only leave one or two messages for you to read once you’re not busy. Pulling out your phone, you found out that they were all from your father, asking what you’re doing and if you’re at school. When you heard Uraraka call out to you, you put your phone back into your locker and headed out for Hero Lessons.

Once school ended, you decided to reply to your dad, telling him that you had been busy in school and whatsoever. It’s been over a month since your father contacted the two of you. He had left for a business trip and said that he wouldn’t be back for at least a month or so. And the only way you knew that he was alive was through the updates of his social media. The moment you reached home, you were surprised to find a pair of unfamiliar pair of boots.

Cautiously stepping in, you were mildly surprised to see your dad sitting in the living room watching television while your mom prepares dinner. Neither of them seem to be acknowledging each other’s presence. You knew that it was going to be a very long and exhausting one.

With your father at home, things were difficult for your mom. You were out for school until it was before dinner time since you spent your time studying and training. Whenever you come home later than usual, you would get yelled at or slapped and you would be lucky enough to walk out without any bruises littering your skin.

"Shouto, are you sure about this?" 

"It's only fair. After all, you were very nervous when meeting my dad too. Besides, it's time for your parents to know that we're dating right?" 

You weren't ready for it just yet. Especially when you still have issues with your father. You were able to relate to Todoroki who had been forced to be the hero that will surpass the number one hero. Endeavour may be a hard headed person but every since All Might retired, Todoroki mentioned about how his father was trying to reconnect with his siblings and himself. Your father wasn’t like most, he physically and emotionally abuses you and your mom. Thanks to that, you’ve gotten self-conscious of yourself.

That self consciousness had led you to thinking that your crush ― Todoroki would never notice you. A lot has happened but now you’ve gotten here and have been dating for at least 3 months.

As Todoroki followed you into his house, you were tense, afraid of how your parents would react. Of course, your mother knew about the whole dating him but never got to see Todoroki in person. She was pretty okay with it, in fact, she was happy that you had someone else by your side. You never told him about your problems at home though. Your dad was being silent and seemed to be ignoring Todoroki’s entire presence while your mother was welcoming.

Todoroki knew nothing about your abusive father and you thought that it was best to leave it that way. This was your problem and you don’t want to involve someone into your problems. Dinner went well and your mother quickly ushered you and Todoroki to your room. The male had noticed the tension in the household but he made no comment and chose to observe before taking action. When you left to grab some more water, Todoroki began to think to himself.

But after a while, he thought that he should’ve come with you to bring some water. And the moment he reached the stairs, he heard voices from the kitchen. 

“What were you fucking thinking bringing someone home?!” you father snapped at you, causing you to flinch. Before you could even protest, you were pushed back until your back hit the counter.

“And he’s your boyfriend? You know how boys are at this age! They all probably want you for sex or something like that. He might have a pretty face and a somewhat nice personality but you don’t know what’s behind that face! Break up with him this instant before I make you!” he narrowed his eyes at you.

“He’s Endeavor’s son, isn’t he? He’s already smarter than you with a future that is secured for him but you have nothing. Dating him means that he will be dragging you down. You have a good quirk and so you need to become the best hero! You can’t waste your time with someone like him!”

“I-I can’t do that! I love him and he loves me!” you replied, looking a little firm. The sound of a hand connecting with skin reached his ears and Todoroki instantly saw red when he noticed that you had fallen, holding your cheek in pain.

He decided to listen for a while before leaving back to your room, making sure that you didn’t hear him at all. Once you came back, you were acting normal and when he asked about the redness on your cheek, you waved it off and said it was an accident. The next day, he saw you with a large gauze on your cheek and was concerned. Todoroki didn’t bring up the topic about your father hitting you the other day. But he was more than ready to step in when things got out of hand.

It was when the injuries on you got worse that Todoroki decided to talk to you. For the very first time, you broke down in front of him, spilling out everything that had happened. You didn’t leave a single detail, telling him about how your father would hit you, made you feel guilty for everything and want you to excel at everything in school. 

Todoroki couldn’t stand it. He had been on the same boat before and it was no different. His own father didn’t not give him freedom, never allowing him to play with his siblings and creating a path that he was supposed to stay on without straying. He was a little bit relieved that your father didn’t do anything illicit or sexual. In addition, you had your mother but what made it much worse was the fact that she was almost somehow involved in the whole situation. 

“It’s going to be fine, [First Name]. You’re gonna be living the dorms soon.” he tried soothing you. Your sobbing was reduced to quiet sniffling as you held onto his shirt.

“B-But, I can’t leave my mom alone. What am I supposed to do?”

He understood this well. If you suddenly leave the house, your dad might turn his attention to your mother. For the longest time, he had been pushing you to do things when you were a child. Your father had overtrained you until you passed out from fatigue and when you didn’t meet his expectations, he would hit you.

“[First Name].” his voice was firm and demanding attention.

“Everything will be fine okay? I know you’re worried about your mom. I’m worried about her as well but I’m more worried about you......” he mumbled, brushing his thumb over your cheek, wiping away your tears as his hands gently moved over your injuries.

“I’m here with you.” he pulled himself towards you.

“You’re not alone anymore.”

“We’ll work this out somehow, together.”

Total: 1565 words Published: 12.05.2019

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