deepphantomstarfish

[deepphantomstarfish]

The power to wake up

Photo Cred - Jude Beck, unsplash.

“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things.” - Doctor Who.

I get really vivid dreams. And usually when I say that whoever is listening thinks I mean just weird dreams you forget and don’t usually remember with a strange storyline. Well, yes and no -- I mean I can remember some of them, and some of them are so vivid, even if they’re just the weirdest things I’ll ever remember, but they’re so vivid a few I have thought were real life.

Last night was no exception - I woke up in a cold sweat after having a dream my little sister left us on a ski trip to go marry a dude she’d just met and I was the only one who was like, to everyone else, “um... excuse me? No plus this dude is a jerk! What the heck!” And my little sister was like, “Omg why can’t you just respect my decisions!?” and I was like “Because he’s a pretentious prick!”

Now of course - who am I to control other peoples behaviors... but this is a dream mind you. And honestly.... I wasn’t about to let my sister marry a pretentious prick who literally was calling me names in the dream! (I woke up mad at my sister about this lol). 

But the point is at a certain point in the dream, I grew so frustrated with my little sister because I think it had somehow turned into a nightmare for me -- something I couldn’t control whatsoever and everything was out of my reach. I ended up crying in the dream and the next thing I know I woke up in a cold sweat with less than 20 minutes to get ready for my class on zoom. I was definitely a bit shaken though. 

Which brings to mind, fear. We all know it, we all dread it, and some of us go out of our ways to avoid it. Procrastinate things to avoid having to deal with it.

Lately I think I’ve been letting fear rule my life in so many different ways. We’re all afraid of different things of course, but sometimes it can transfer to something more than just a simple phobia and end up running the course of our lives. Like for example...

I’m afraid of heights, so usually I’ll go out of my way to avoid having to take planes (not to mention saves money on trips if you can use a car on road trips), go on ziplines, or even go on rollercoasters. Yeah, I was that fun kid on school field trips who hated going on rollercoasters. (Don’t get me wrong I tried it -- ended up getting massive headaches afterwards though. Not my thing. I do love hilariously gargantuan waterslides at waterparks though).

Right now I’m in a period of waiting and standstill in my life and I don’t know quite what to do about it. I feel a bit burnt out but I think the biggest thing about where I am in my life right now, a new 20 year old with a book in progress and a massive writer’s block and case of wanderlust, is I’m seemingly in a state of standstill and I wish I could be proactive in the parts of my life that feel so achingly short, yet I also have this instinct to just procrastinate dealing with it. Why is that? Why do I feel so burnt out and so... paralyzed in my life? Not reaching to my lifelong goals in the pursuit of a life I’ve always dreamed? Am I scared the life I want won’t be enough or isn’t what I need to sustain my healthy life? 

I’m not entirely certain. But I have a few theories. Firstly in writing my book, I know it is fear. But what of? Well, I think I’m scared of not succeeding, of making something I can’t be proud of and look back on with regret. I think I’m scared of writing a bad story and one that doesn’t reach it’s full potential.

Then there’s the standstill in my relationships - where do I want to be and why am I not there? Well, I’ve always wanted a best friend and after last weekend I’m recovering from the abrupt confusion that plagued me when the girl I thought I was really good friends with ended up cutting me off. I’m not sure what happened but I’m doing better I think. But in relationships, all good or bad, what is stopping me from being the best me I can be in the sense of having a go-to friend group I know I can call family and can support me? 

Maybe I’m keeping people at bay who have always had my back in the past and forgetting about those already in my circle. But why? I think I could just be scared to be vulnerable. And then... scared of being seen as I truly am and then not being appealing to those who see it.

Because isn’t companionship what everyone wants right?

Usually I deal with this I think by either avoiding it, procrastinate dealing with it, or tucking it away out of sight out of mind. But that doesn’t fix the problem. I think where I am now, my procrastination of school and writing is only hurting me more by avoiding it. When I avoid prayer, I think that only hurts me by cutting off the source that allows me to grow stronger in who I am.

In the face of all our battles and fears, we all have a choice to where we can either face it or procrastinate dealing with it even though we know that won’t help us achieve the life we want. As Rafiki said, “Yes, the past can hurt, but the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it,” - the Lion King.

So instead of being afraid to go to sleep tomorrow night, I think I can rest easy knowing that in the end I can always choose to wake up and start a new day.

Thank you for reading, midterms are tomorrow and oh boy am I stressed. But from my heart to yours, I hope you are well reader.

[deepphantomstarfish]

Starting a Tumblr

I stared at the screen in dumbfound shock, realizing, lost in an abyss of wondering why, that I had been brushed off. From friendship, from life, from a girl who I thought was my friend and wanted to see me grow. My thumb hovered over the list of followers on instagram, wondering why. I thought this girl was my friend.

I’ve been on an up and down spiral these past few days locked inside my house and room, the cold whispering in spiraling snowflakes outside my window, leaving me and my family to remain in our own little bubbles once again. I’m surprised I don’t consider myself a ballerina in a snow globe by now, just waiting to be turned to the enjoyment of those around me.

I can’t remember what ‘triggered’ it, what set me off on deciding I was going to go through my instagram followers and those I was following and start trimming off any emotional baggage or weight preventing me from growing. I think I was already considering it for a long time as I’d been getting signs, thoughts, and just thinking in general about leaving instagram for a while due to the toxicity its had on my life and others as a whole. So that’s what I’ve been doing these past couple of days - considering leaving I decided before I did anything too drastic and just pulled a plug all together perhaps following a guide to reduce the amount of people I follow and following smartly might help my negativity surrounding it. But, that’s when I stumbled across something that I never expected and I wasn’t prepared for;

A girl, who I thought I was pretty good friends with, had unfollowed me and I didn’t even know when. I hadn’t even considered it a possibility that she would have, especially because I went to her birthday party just a few weeks ago and had a absolutely great time. I had even spent all day gathering her a gift, a gift I knew I would have loved, of cute trinkets such as a candle, body exfoliator, some super soft soap, and a picture frame with recently developed some pictures I took on my phone when we were still in high school. I even included more thinking that, since it was her 21st I wanted to get her a nice gift as I did with all my friends I appreciated in the past. 

But I had to leave the party early, which I told her before I left why I had to leave. Maybe I should have told her before I came to her party but anyway I had to leave early. However, she seemed fine before I left.

Yet, here I am. I don’t know what led me to look under her following list. I’ve felt like a bit superficial in the past few days unfollowing anybody who doesn’t or hasn’t followed me back but if I’m going to be honest I don’t judge anyone too harshly for it. But it does feel so liberating especially considering this isn’t a new thing for me; ever since I was little... I was always the friend put second. And I’d always put up with that. I’d always taken whatever anyone would give thinking the best of everybody. I was always the one no one ever invited not because I was negative I assume... honestly I don’t know why. I never complained though because well I’m gonna be blunt... No one wants to hear the woes of a girl who has ‘it all’ on the outside, living with a/c, electricity, and a bed to comfort her. However, it has always bothered me even though it wasn’t something I could really complain about - being the second girl. The one no one really took the time to remember. Being on the outside I always wanted friends, lots of them. I just wanted what anyone else did - to be happy. 

And yet, why couldn’t anybody see? Why was everyone so willing to put me second? To live as though I was fine with being forgotten?

So if I’m going to be honest, going through my social media followings in order to reduce the negativity in my life felt so liberating as the more I just thought - well why not? Let’s just reduce our platform so we don’t have to spend so much time on it, the more I felt like I was starting to put myself first. It was a feeling I... it made me happier, feel freer the more I went on. The rules were twofold- don’t go out searching like some crazed number psychopath. Just next time you get on, the first few people who pop up in your feed see if they’ve been following you, ask yourself what are they contributing to your life or if they are even in your day to day, week to week life. If they aren’t in your life and they haven’t followed you back, you don’t have to keep following them. You aren’t under any obligation, you don’t owe them a thing. Apologies if I sound so shallow and childish. This should be common sense but I guess it took me a while to learn to start taking care of myself.

Anyway, I’ve actually... been enjoying this process of growth I guess. Oh boy, does that make me a sociopath? Who knows, I don’t know. All I know is every time I stopped giving my energy to people who seemingly were on my feed, I was following out of some social obligation, out of hope they might turn around one day and say ‘hey you you’re worthy of my time and attention too! Even though I don’t follow you’, even though in the grand scheme of things this might all be baloney... I still felt. Lighter, I guess. It was so relieving. 

But then when I was out last night with my family to celebrate my little sister’s birthday, and decided to text the girl I’m referring to, a girl I assumed I was friends with, if she wanted to celebrate with us at our house later, I didn’t get an answer. I was confused as I’d seen her story the past few days. I’d replied to a few of them to no response. Which wasn’t odd - I don’t blame her, we can’t all reply to people 24/7. Not to mention this is something she’s asked me before and I have always been so delighted every time she’d invite me over, I thought it was time to return the offer. But the longer I continued to check for a response, or to see the usual ‘read’ receipt on the text, the longer I began to suspect something was up. 

Could she... have just ignored me? I thought.

No. 

No, she wouldn't; I don’t think she’s that kind of person. She wouldn’t just get upset about something and not tell me right? She wouldn’t just drop me from our life?

The thought hit me; check her following. 

No, how childish can I be right? It’s just instagram, it’s not like she’d literally drop me without telling me. It doesn’t mean anything. But if that’s the case, then... what’s the harm, right?

I went to check. Low and behold. She was following everyone in our circle but me.

Once again, sorry if this sounds so arrogant. The world isn’t only mine. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.

No warning. No confrontation. I even gave her a card I’d taken the time to write just for her and our friendship. Not even a reply to my text. To this moment, even though it was last night I still haven’t gotten a response and I’m just going to assume I’m not going to because this girl is, whenever she’s not at work, literally on her phone 24/7 and it’s the running joke we have in our circle. 

Stunned, I refreshed the page over and over again. Days of finding out who I thought was just stringing me along as a digit in their follower count, of finding out who it was that actually wanted to watch me grow, or maybe this doesn’t mean anything at all and she just doesn’t want to follow me anymore it’s possible... even though I know to her that’s unlikely - instagram means something to girls like this. And, honestly. To girls like me too. No, not the follow count. Not the superficial lies of it all. 

Just the truth echoing behind the screens. And this lie was all I needed to see to understand a truth I thought didn’t extend to her -- I was excess. A photographer for her pretty lies. This surprised me because I just, I guess I thought she was better than the other girls who’d come and gone so easily in my life; from grade school to high school, I could tell the ones who reciprocated the energy I gave to them and I thought she cared about our friendship. So, if our exchanges meant so little to her when I thought we were close... if I was the second piece, not someone to support her in everything she did like I try to be in all my friendships,

I was done.

Days of realizing who treated the instagram machine like their own personal game and their actual social circle, I was done trying to pretend like this didn’t hurt me anymore. I won’t lie- this did kind of hurt. 

But if she wants to show up and pretend like I didn’t notice, just know; I’m done trying to pretend like people put me second. I am worthy of having people in my life who care about me in my circle, and actually care. If anyone actually reads this, feel free to make fun of me but just know don’t pretend like instagram doesn’t mean anything to some people. I’m learning to downsize mine so it means less. But you know as well as I do there are those out there treating it like their personal wealth machine, dragging their ‘friends’ along like spare bodies to hold the camera instead of actual support systems.

So anyway. Learning to put myself first isn’t going to be easy. Especially when I've been grading myself morally for so long on putting up with others, taking whatever comes my way and going the extra mile for everyone. I still will. But now, as someone who is starting to learn how to have healthy relationships with herself and others for her own happiness, someone who is prioritizing growing in this weird time of my life, I’m going to say fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. But drop me three times, I’m going to be kind to everyone and learn to forgive, but it’s time I start taking care of myself and knowing where my happiness really is.

This Tumblr is my journey. Of life, and my career. I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know where I’ll be, but if you like this is going to be my journey. In writing, trying to become a successful author hopefully or wherever my thoughts and life takes me. This is my first step in choosing how to show up for myself.

As a reminder, it’s okay to still love other people, forgive and support them. But the moment it becomes at the expense of yourself is the moment you need to take a step back. I hope whoever is reading this knows they are worthy of true happiness, no matter who they might offend. A clean and kind one. This Tumblr is my journey to a healthy life (not a professional guide. Just me, a girl trying to find her way in her own little world), a better me conducive to the mindset and future I’ve always not dreamt of, but needed. If you want to tag along, thank you. I guess the first step to learning how to enjoy life is to let go of all that no longer carries you and to just know that, it’s okay to put yourself first on the road too healing.

I’m not going to pretend like I know it all- I’m just an ordinary 20 year old girl in an odd 21st century. Who overthinks all the time, loves sea creatures and wild orca/killer whale pics, loves books and writing even though her ADDD can be hard to manage still she tries, who wants to write a book even though she has writer’s block most of the time, but is always observing. Always hoping to learn more. A girl who loves God, but  has also unfortunately seen the downsides of religion. A girl who for most of her life has wanted happiness, has wanted just for once not to be second place in her own life. This blog, these are my thoughts and this is just my ordinary journey to finding out where I want to be. A place where I can be me, happy and loved in my own life. Tag along if you like!  

Thank you for reading this. Even if it literally seems like the silliest most emotionally overblown post about social media (lol), thank you.