#just do a little more research into npd and know how you can help them

[clusterrune]

dear anon

[dear anon]

anon youre very brave for coming to me and to respect your wishes this post is for you

youre not a bad person

youre that guy's chosen person and you're helping him improve, youre amazing for that. if he makes you happy and you love him and you two have a good relationship then by all means stay together!

youre not a bad person for being there for someone who did bad things. lots of people have a bad past but that doesnt difine who they are today or could be tomorrow.

you dont need to feel guilt for his past actions, thats for him to work through

if you love your partner, keep loving them. thats what they need.

of course you are always welcome to the choice of leaving if you dont feel comfortable, thats your choice to make and youre free to do so, no shame in that, your comfort and safety matters just as much as his and anyone elses.

youre not a bad person either for having feelings for someone you've known shorter than the time youve known an ex nor a bad person for not feeling anying for that ex, it just means you've moved on.

this could absolutely grow into a healthy relationship for both of you if you let it and want it to.

youre okay anon.

[manie-sans-delire-x]

Thoughts on ASPD stigma.

Even psych professionals often dont comprehend how having CD or ASPD (or NPD or even BPD) is not the same as having "bad person disorder", and they forget that a person without those disorders can be equally toxic or manipulative. ANYONE can be. Even depression or anxiety can contribute to someone being toxic. Drug addicts are known for being highly manipulative and toxic, yet we correctly identify them as the victim and patient who needs serious help. (And you dont even choose to have a mental illness at all, while many addictions start as a choice).

The stigma and defeatist attitude of psych professionals refusing to treat ASPD or see it as impossible leads to confirmation bias and a self-fulfilled prophecy. Even if the ASPD itself cannot be treated, most have co-morbid issues, and a depressed, drug addicted, traumatized sociopath will behave worse than a non-depressed, non-addicted, healthier one. They should focus on other areas and work on what they can. The brain, and life itself, is a system, and making one aspect healthier will make all parts at least a little healthier. Also, they know people with ASPD notoriously do not seek out treatment and tend to reject it, so why not try when someone is willing and take the opportunity to learn what works and what doesnt? Where is the willingness to try? To try challenging their own therapeutic skills? The academic curiosity to learn?

Ive been medically discriminated twice, due to an ASPD diagnosis myself, and due to my own schooling in psych, I know that they straight up teach students that therapy just makes people with ASPD more manipulative. And I'm actually not even denying that, I do think thats true in many cases, but refusing to treat a person with mental illnesses and trauma because they MIGHT become more manipulative in the future is crazy. This way of thinking is not tolerated in any other field- medical, legal. A doctor doesnt (usually) refuse to give treatment, even to a murderer or rapist. A judge cant sentence a person as guilty because they feel like they might commit a crime in future. (And at least committing a crime is objective, while "being manipulative" is subjective, vague, and also not illegal...).

Whenever I work as a mental health professional, I make a point to approach my clients with unrelenting positive regard. I think the best of them even when they're being very symptomatic, even when cursing me out and physically attacking me. I hold the belief that they are trying their best and severely struggling, and I treat every day as a new leaf and fresh start between us. The patient who actually has the illness is the one suffering the most. Its a disorder for that reason, because having it really sucks and negatively impacts a persons life in every category of functioning. No one sane chooses that. If I can do this with an ASPD diagnosis, they certainly are able to.

I think this stigma could be reduced a little by including internal experience and thought process in the diagnosis criteria, or at least discussing it with students, not just focusing on external behavior. This deeper understanding of the psychology behind ASPD may increase empathy and help clinicians see ASPD as a complex, usually trauma-driven mental illness whose presentation can vary a lot between people and that doesnt make up the entirety of a person's personality, instead of just seeing someone choosing to be shitty.

Also I know prison inmates are a conveniently available population to research, but they should really research people with ASPD who are able to keep out of prison and somewhat function in society, and females too, not just violent male convicts. Obviously basing all knowledge on extreme cases and only one sex is going to give a skewed perception.

[sysboxes]

It's possible for alters to have their own mental health!!! Alters can have personality disorders that other alters don't have, I think what you're talking about is autism, ADHD and other disorders similar! (As those affect the brain and therefore affect the whole system, but personality disorders are a different sort of thing, so one alter can have a PD and the others might not!) We can provide links if you'd like ^^ /nm /info

Hey there Anon! Thank you for the offer. We also received the following anon from (probably) another user, which I'd like to address here as well:

Alters can have personality disorders: (link) “✘ MYTH: ALTERS CAN’T HAVE THEIR OWN MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES IF THE MAIN SURVIVOR DOESN’T HAVE THEM. They actually can, and many do. It’s extremely common for individual alters to battle depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, eating disorders, self harm, etc., while other members of the system experience no such thing. Some extremely differentiated systems may even need that system member to come forward and take medications that the rest of the system does not need and will not get. ..and their brain’s neurology responds accordingly. But, make no mistake, most expressions of mental illness amongst alters are incredibly real and valid and should be treated as such.” (cut up a little, the source is above, we're pretty sure the source is reliable, it seems so. We've also had other systems say this too, and to us that's how it works, as only one of us as far as we know are affected by NPD)

Firstly, I feel the paragraph that was cut out of the Beauty After Bruises section is very important for further context and explanation. It's quoted here below:

One note about some disorders, however. Non-verbal, poor eye contact, savant-like, or sensory-processing-disorder alters can be extremely common traits in DID systems. However, it’s important not to just jump to calling these parts “autistic” if the system as a whole is not autistic. It’s possible for alters to behave in ways that mimic their understanding of SYMPTOMS in other disorders they know about, while not actually possessing the neurology for them. This is a complicated subject we could try to elaborate more on at some point, but it’s just an encouragement to pause and not automatically label some parts as having certain conditions just because they show a few traits of them. It can cause a great deal of conflation and misrepresentation of those illnesses. It may also be purely based on discriminatory or uneducated stereotypes of those conditions that were adopted into a young child’s mind. So, it’s just helpful to check for that possibility first!

As Beauty After Bruises is saying here, neurology takes a place in this discussion. It seems as if this resource is mostly stating that alters can all struggle with mental illness, and can appear to struggle singularly with those illnesses symptoms -- in which case, the "This alter is a symptom holder" is exactly the language we feel comfortable with. Until we are able to research more, we're wary about spreading potential misinformation about how brains work.

As mods, we absolutely want to do our best to avoid spreading misinformation. From our understandings, NPD and similar personality disorders are caused by a structural shift in the brain -- something physical and concrete. Here's some of our resources we found on NPD.

Source 1: “They analyzed a total of 34 test subjects, of which 17 suffered from a narcissistic personality disorder… Using magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) methods, the scientists measured the thickness of the patients' cerebral cortex… The findings revealed that those subjects suffering from narcissistic personality disorder exhibited structural abnormalities in precisely that region of the brain, which is involved in the processing and generation of compassion.”

Source 2: “The decreased brain white matter microstructures among three clusters were found in the association, projection/thalamic and connection pathways of white matter in young adult males with NPD. The abnormal white matter brain regions may be one of the neuropathological basis of the pathogenesis of young males with NPD, and it may be related to white matter development in early adulthood."

Based on these sources, the moderators are most comfortable using the language of alters being symptom holders. Both sources indicate that NPD affects the structural nature of the brain, which would impact all of the members of the system. However, like Beauty After Bruises was suggesting, that doesn't mean that various alters don't reflect those symptoms in different ways. It's absolutely possible for alters to struggle more or less with disorders, or even seemingly not at all.

I hope this clarifies our perspectives. Thank you!

[lintwriting]

can we retire that trope where characters are like “I WAS NOT ABUSED” and then make a huge deal of the moment where they admit “… I was abused.”

I feel like the only time I’ve enjoyed it was by simkjrs, where a plot point was that other characters DIDNT believe that he was abused, and they had a whole petty drama about it. He had to put his foot down and air his traumas out for them to believe him. That’s so real. That happens on this damn website every day to survivors of sexual assault.

As for the rest of the fics I’ve read, it makes my skin crawl. Something about how all the other characters are just SO PROUD of the abused character for admitting it. They’re sooo supportive and the abused character just has an irrational hatred towards the word until eventually they accept that that’s what happened to them.

I don’t know why this makes me so uncomfortable. This happens in real life all the time.

Maybe it’s because it doesn’t match my experience at all. I didn’t have the words for what was happening to me, but I knew it was wrong from the beginning. The only thing I didn’t know was whether society would agree or call me a crybaby sensitive snowflake.

Maybe it’s the way people place such emphasis on the word itself. Like somehow physically slapping someone is fine but calling it abuse makes it into something bigger.

It doesn’t. It was wrong either way. Like I said, it was wrong even when I didn’t have the words for it. I wouldn’t have been a crybaby sensitive snowflake whether it was called abuse or not.

I guess my real gripe is the way we use the word abuse. Like it’s magical, mystical, special. It confers the right to righteous anger and trauma, where ‘normal’ actions do not.

Reality is that abuse IS normal. It happens all the time. Many times your friend will casually mention an annoying coworker or a past ex, and you’ll realize… “Wow, my friend inadvertently bullied someone and didn’t even realize. Wow, my friend was neglectful or controlling and didn’t even realize.” I KNOW this has happened because many people have abused me that would have never thought of it that way because I was a weirdo, and they weren’t obligated to be nice to a Debbie downer rude weirdo.

Workplace scandals like that happen all the time, like the Asianguystream drama, and fans take his side because they cannot conceptualize abuse as coming from people they like because it is too mystical, too evil for THEIR life. But it’s not. I guess I’d be more interested in an inversion, where someone is like “I WOULD NEVER ABUSE SOMEONE… I already have, haven’t I?”

Another thing is that it represents an increasing pathologizing of our lives.

It can’t just be annoying, it has to be problematic.

It can’t just be that someone treated you poorly, it has to be that they’re a narcissistic abuser using cluster B personality manipulations.

I want to take these people by the shoulders and shake them. It was bad before you created all these words to pathologize them! What you read as narcissistic, I read as simply abuse! Abuse is bad PERIOD whether or not narcissism was involved. Do you even know what that word means?? Because the field of psychology has famously little research about NPD, so I doubt you’re one of the few people qualified to speak on it!

Not everything is about narcissism, narcissism is just the most evil, most mystical boogeyman thing you can think of so you have a “right” to feeling that self righteous anger and trauma. But like I said before, you had a right to those things even before you added that stupid NPD stigmatizing label to it. That’s not even getting into the fact that Psychology labels are NOT REAL the way people frame them, they’re just observed groupings of symptoms.

Calling someone a narcissist is about as helpful as saying they have a transactional worldview and a struggle with criticism, but the latter two don’t sting quite right, now do they?

THATS BECAUSE “NARCISSIST” HAS BEEN STIGMATIZED, WHICH MAKES YOU PART OF THE PROBLEM WHEN YOU USE IT TO FEEL JUSTIFIED ATTACKING SOMEONE.

God I hate the way we talk about abuse online. That’s not even getting into how ghoulish it is that psychology named someone’s psychological disorder after an insult, “shitty bitch disease” why don’t you call it. Though, maybe people are using narcissist the way it was supposed to be used—it’s clear that the disorder was named to help the people around them and not to help the narcissists themselves.

Finally, why do people bring talk of abuse and therapy speak to cultures where that does not exist? God I hate it when fics set in a fantasy ancient world have these moments the most. “I was… abused.”

First of all, abuse has this stigmatized connotation in part because it’s become inextricably tied to mental health and psychology. A character outside of that context would not normally struggle to say “I was abused” any more than they would struggle to say “My father burned my face off” unless they knew the implications of abuse, such as that abused people are somehow mystically more hurt and righteous than other people. “I wouldn’t want to claim that label when I haven’t earned it”

But like, for instance, do you think a factory worker being abused by his boss is going to have this moment of “… I was abused, wasn’t I?” Where everyone is like soooo supportive and walking on eggshells as he finally claims that label?

NO! He’s going to be like “… That blasted Henry Ford never treated me right.” And it would be just as meaningful as him saying he was abused because that’s what abuse means!

It’s not some mystical thing! At most it’s disillusionment with whatever system taught you to accept the poor treatment. But these fics ironically feel invalidating because it acts like the poor treatment is not actually serious unless a character is diagnosed with CPTSD or calls it specifically “abuse” within the fic. Even when CPTSD is a very modern concept and would’ve likely been called/conceptualized as something different back then.

It reminds me of how people sometimes try to act like a show portrayed a villain in a positive light simply because no character explicitly calls their actions abuse, and then rectify that in fic. But AGAIN, poor treatment was poor treatment regardless of if it’s called abuse. These characters were villains for a reason!

Guess I’m just sad because it’s clear these people don’t feel valid without a diagnosis. They’ve had others call them a crybaby and a snowflake, and now they only feel like their pain is valid with the label, to the point where they HAVE to label other characters to feel valid. Like when people call historical figures gay or trans when ancient cultures had a totally alien understanding of sexuality and gender that gets lost with these labels.

[a-sip-of-milo]

hi its uhhhhh research to i think i have bpd pipeline person here. idk how else to identify myself because i dont feel comfortable making myself public.

ive been intending to do more research into bpd but its like. hard and not because its hard to find resources, i found stuff on youtube, but its hard to sit down and watch it because its not entertaining enough to put my full attention on, so my mind was wandering and then i wasnt taking in information. and i dont know what to do sob. i only actually watched one video bc i know that other videos are going to be boring to me and that im not going to take in information bc i cant focus.

it was a video about what it was like living w quiet bpd and from the little i remember i was like “yep. sounds like me.” (even tho for the most part i literally cannot remember the video) and when i look at the 9 symptoms, theres 4 i can confidently say i experience, and 4 others that are a maybe, but my memory is shit so i can’t accurately tell by myself which of those symptoms i actually experience.

everytime i think abt having bpd i get upset, but i cant tell if its coming from the root of ableism(?) that me being upset about having disorders usually comes from (wanting to be “normal”) or if its coming from the root of ableism that was people with bpd/npd are inherently bad

i also think i have a favourite person. by think i mean putting the pieces together from other people talking about their favourite people from asks you answer made me realize “oh so thats why im so infatuated by this person and it’s not just being closer to them than my other friends”

Hey! I also find it incredibly difficult to sit through informative videos, so you're not alone there. There's also the issue of "am I going to sit through this entire video just to figure out that it's rooted in ableism" that stops me from getting through them. I prefer written stuff!

When it comes to the internalised ableism (also completely valid, that's not just a personality disorder issue), it could very well be a combination of both. Not only does this mean you're not "normal" anymore, but the disorder that's causing it is something that is often considered inherently bad. That can be a scary realisation to make.

I feel like i've said this before, but you don't need to rush into it. You could be struggling so much with doing research and absorbing information on the subject because your brain has yet to accept that it's okay. This can take time, and the best thing you can do if that's the case is to take a step back from the overwhelming amount of information there is to take in and work on breaking that pattern of thinking, however hard it may be.

Try positive affirmations with yourself. If you happen to recognise a particular kind of behaviour that stems from your BPD, acknowledge that, tell yourself that it's okay and move on. Think about what you'd say to another person who was struggling with the things you're experiencing. Just be kind to yourself.

Don't force yourself to do something that you're not ready for. In the end, it will only make you resent the possibility of having BPD even more and that is far less constructive.

I hope this helps, but also please don't fret if it doesn't or hesitate to tell me that i'm just rambling for no reason/you're not looking for advice. I won't be offended /gen /nm /lh

[gaymom]

the fact u immediately throw people with low empathy under the bus is super funny also Lol. god forbid people with npd be wary of people who use narcicissm as an insult as if the word isnt intrinsically tied to the disorder now. we look up resources and are constantly fucking bombarded with articles telling us we're abusive monsters for having npd. have a little decency bro.

yeah you can't pretend that all discussions of narcissism are implicitly tied to the disorder. Narcissist isnt just an insult, although the traits associated with it are definitely negative under a non-individualistic value system. Narcissist is also a word that has been used by people far before NPD was researched and defined in the dsm. The word describes someone with low empathy and a specific affect to their ego that is self focused and disregarding of others. The FACT is that the vast majority of individuals with narcissistic traits DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE that they have narcissistic traits that negatively impact those close to them NOR DO THEY PURSUE MEDICAL SUPPORT OR DIAGNOSIS FOR IT. Which is exactly why I haven't talked about people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Often those who find nothing wrong with taking advantage of others end up finding communities/workplaces where their disregard for others is valued, and that's pretty easy in a capitalist society where many people look up to those with narcissistic traits for the power they have over other people. There are plenty of abuse survivors who have experienced narcissists like Amber Heard not take accountability and take their smear campaigns to the public stage and still successfully take advantage of the biases of large populations of people who form impressions off of lies.

So maybe take a look at your reactivity to people talking about this topic and why you felt the need to send me this, because it's disregarding the subject of my posts and is disconnected from the material reality of narcissistic traits and their effect on social systems. But I'm guessing this is a personal feeling of insecurity on your part that you identify with the narcissists I'm talking about because instead of recognizing I'm talking about abusive narcissists who don't take accountability and don't seek help and take lies and cruelty too far, YOU IDENTIFY with the narcs Im referencing and send me this pity party about how hard it is for you to hear how angry people talk after being hurt by people who let your condition go unchecked. Low empathy is not a sub-human trait, I dont think people without empathy are monsters. But I KNOW some of those people dismiss the reality of their low empathy and the damage they do BECAUSE of their narcissism. So maybe, be less wary of people talking about the damage of narcissism and be more wary of how your biases can lead you to being out of touch.

[growling]

:3

^rest of shunsao's tags for context

You don't even know how happy this makes me I am squealing and scratching myself for several minutes now AAAAAHHHH. It feels so great to get reassurance that I can still write good and people like it, especially if halfway through finishing this post I started doubting my ability to do so so hard it triggered an entire crash. Can't help being a silly little guy.

And regarding the NPD theory.... heh, well, you're in luck cause, *points at self, smirking nefariously* THIS guy over here, actually has narcissistic personality disorder so I can provide some input. This is actually mainly why I'm so drawn to characters just like Ichinose cause they say something that everyone else playing/watching the game think is incomprehensible and I'm just like "makes total sense actually". And I do headcanon that Ichinose has NPD, not very sure if this was intentional but the best NPD rep comes from media that don't even know they're writing it, cause as soon as egotypicals try and write it they pull the most dangerous ableist stuff I've ever heard. But anyway,

While for some it may be true, I'd say that most narcissists aren't even being "shitty" most of the time at all, NPD is a mental disorder (and in some cases, severe enough to count as a disability) that causes way more distress to the person having it rather than those around them. It's actually a myth that the majority of (or even, all of them, as I heard many people say) narcissists lack the self-awareness that they have NPD and will never seek out therapy because they're cartoon villains and don't ever want to get help; first of all, many people aren't even aware that NPD exists as an actual disorder, and the information about it if you look it up is just terrible, and painting narcissists as inherently heartless abusers, so of course a person with unrealized NPD would not think they have it if they heard about it, because according to most sources they would see, they'll get presented with an inaccurate, highly demonized definition of it and of course they don't think they are an abuser so it means they can't have it. Secondly, for narcissists that do know they have NPD after researching it somewhere better, a lot of them will either avoid getting a diagnosis and/or not be able to get one, same with seeking out therapy, because it's literally unsafe for us in so many cases. Therapists either hate us, think we're monsters and just manipulating or lying to them if we ever want to talk about our feelings (which is their job), or, don't believe we have it because "well narcissists are abusers and demons that eat babies, and you're so nice and feel like an actual person so you can't have it". Oftentimes getting a diagnosis or opening up about having NPD to anyone we know, even if we feel we can trust them, can make us vulnerable to being abused because at that moment, they'll stop seeing us as people. There are literal easily searchable guides on how to trigger us to the point of a breakdown on the internet, because it's funny to epic own the narcs. People with NPD have some of the highest suicide rates among people with personality disorders, and according to this paper, and more likely to make multiple attemps than any other PD.

So like. I'm extra sensitive about people listing manipulation (especially since according to me, it's morally neutral. sometimes it's mean, oftentimes it's necessary to survive and deescalate situations which would put us at risk) as this major NPD trait, many pwNPD don't even know how to do it that well and/or don't want to or avoid it, or applying those to characters intended to be evil and uncaring. Getting armies of goons that do everything you say because they're so terrified of your Dark Black Narc Rage Eyes and under the control of your master manipulation superpower is also not an average NPD experience but god I wish it was it would fix me I think. And while it's true that NPD can be genetics, something still needs to trigger it "activating", like, certain bad parenting styles and experiences, childhood trauma (which could be anything. it's very easy to traumatize a child, some events that most adults would recognize as only midly unpleasant could permanently rewire some kid's brain), etc, it could also be comorbid with other disorders. So, yeah! Free knowledge for you.

All that being said thank you for letting me know you enjoyed my blorbo analysis so much, and some of the additional points you made :3 I don't know if I'll check out the anime any time soon (though I would like to at some point), though from some bits and pieces I've gathered from it as well as the official T9 twitter, unmasked Zero looks suspiciously like Shun Kamiya's fragment art over here so maybe he's his wretched homunculus or something. Who knows...........

Anyway people enchanted by my Tribe Nine blogging can follow me over at @ichinose-kazuma where I'll try to get even more unhinged

@alfiely-art splendid thank you for enabling my autism

Ok so background:

There's this city called Shinagawa City that's part of Zero's gamer regime where he forces everyone in all the cities to rp. This is called XG

The XG in Shinagawa City is that it functions like a company does, with all the residents as the employees, except for the president. Employees can only be appointed to the role of director at most if the president likes them. In order for the president to like you you have to bribe him with japanese sweets. Every week the president executes some guy he doesn't like.

Ichinose is the director, and part of the "Numbers" as #1, appointed by Zero. We don't really know the specifics but essentially, they're the rulers of each city and Zero recognizes them as potentially worthy of being his gamer buddies if genericprotagboy doesn't pass

Ichinose's personality is. so hard to describe in a manner that isn't just slander because he's specifically created to be as unlikeable as possible. He abuses his power, his employees, who he really hates and calls useless and incompetent every chance he gets, loves murder, incredibly self-absorbed and constantly has to assert his excellence in the most vain cartoon villain way possible and never stops mentioning how he's #1 appointed by Zero himself which basically means he's like a prettier jesus, mean to everyone he ever meets, actually really fucking stupid and unfunny with no positive qualities his life is worth nothing and he serves zero purpose and he sucks so much and I fucking hate Tribe Nine. He is created to have no depth whatsoever. Anyway he beat Zero in being my favourite Tribe Nine character and half of the reasons as to why I'm not even sure were even deliberate writing choices

Auuuurrghhh where do I start. Do I go in order or like what. I made an entire 12 page doc Ichinose Bible just for this sick evil twisted obsession specifically to help me with articulating anything and yet I have still failed. Alright we're going unhinged mode I had enough I'm making a third doc. I came back to this weeks later sorry my brain is fried now this might not be very comprehensible

Okay so this is very important for later: he is a terrible boss. Absolutely horrendous!!! Every interaction with him and his subordinates is them fucking up their goon work, him screaming at them, them having a mental breakdown and shitting themselves from fear, him still verbally abusing them for 12 more minutes then walking away very annoyed full of hatred for his useless fucking henchmen that he abhors because they're so sucks. They only listen to him because they're for some reason just so absolutely terrified of him, mostly that he's just gonna execute them (he does that often) but also mostly its kinda weird you know. They actually, truly, have NOTHING to gain from listening to him. There is no benefit for sticking around him. No this isn't a "lollll why don't they don't overthrow the bad guy if i was them i would simply not follow his orders" situation, they actually genuinely have zero solid reason to do everything he says and give him that amount of power. Also he just completely lacks awareness that what he's doing might be a wee mean and just genuinely thinks he's disciplining them in a normal way and that they're just overreacting specifically to piss him off. One time he goes off on a screaming session at his subs until one of them faints and all the other ones are shaking and crying in the middle of trying to recruit the protag team to also work under him and they're just Standing there all this time until one of them has to intervene and gently coax him into shutting the fuck up with her feminine wiles

Anyway I mentioned executions right. And the President. Ok so the President is actually not a human but rather just this iron maiden robot with the face of zero's canon fursona (long story) and floating hands and exclusively speaks in all caps. It does not move its just permanently standing there in the Execution Plaza. The Director position makes it so the President can only hear his voice (he can register visual input but can't hear other than Ichinose) so Ichinose's the only guy he can talk with. And ichinose is just absolutely constantly sucking up to that guy, talking to others about how Unbreakable their Special Bond is and how much the President would never ever replace him because they're besties and he's his favourite meanwhile the President does not give a single fuck about Ichinose. He only lets him do whatever he wants because Ichinose just keeps giving him sweets everyday so of course he likes him but not in any deeper way and has zero problem with turning on him the moment he's framed for eating that cake he always wanted. Oh and also when the President said earlier that whoever finds and gives him that cake will be made director Ichinose says "hahahaaa you're so funny babeee you're joking about making someone else director again. haha. you're doing that again" which is just sad. toxic doomed unrequited human x robot workplace situationship yaoi. Ichinose also loooooooves executing people its his favorite activity of the week every time he watches a guy die inside the President (yeagh they have to go inside the President) he gets such as kick he goes "bwahaha! heeheehee!" and then laughs about it for a full minute. He also sucks up to Zero a lot but that's for later

How he took control of the Shinagawa Tribe (part of his subordinates) is also pretty weird if you ask me. So when Zero first implemented the XG rules in Shinagawa nobody really cared and just kept doing their own thing except for Ichinose who immediately started meeting with the President and bribing him until he gained enough favor to be appointed director. Nobody still really cared except for him up until the executions started and they realized that It's Bad Actually. Shinagawa Tribe started also collecting bribes for the President and Ichinose just came up to them one by one and whispered in their ear "lol. your leader doesn't care about you as soon as he becomes director he's actually gonna kill you source dude trust me. give me all the bribes instead and work for me now. lmao" and that was literally enough for all of them to just take Ichinose's side and offer him all the items they had then watch their leader get executed. I guess he was just really that charming and intelligent huh,,,,

He kinda manipulates the president into letting him choose who gets executed instead, while it was originally supposed to be the president who does that. He also forbids anybody else from offering bribes to the president so that only he is favored and him and his men regularly rob and beat the hell out of people that try to do so also this exchange:

also i just. liked the moment where he just got in a car and fucking left. + he's so desperately trying to be soooo witty and funny and failing he's so embarrassing i want to boil him i actually hate him he wants to be cool so bad he's running that insult to the fucking ground he peaked at middle school im gonna skin him i will kill hi

Before getting to the Cake Incident, let's talk about how he always talks about being #1. He constantly points it out and reminds everyone about how he's "#1, as appointed by Zero himself" and wants everyone to remember that, he constantly mentions it even when it's not even related to what he's talking about he just hypes himself up. He thinks it's the coolest thing ever and the proof of his superiority and it obviously it means a lot to him it sure would be terrible if anyway let's talk about the Cake Incident

Anyway, the Cake Incident is that the protag group finds that really cool cake and and tries to offer it to the president but also it was all a trick because they replaced it with a sponge. Ichinose is about to steal that when his subordinate notices that it's unusually light but doesn't tell him that because he doesn't give her a chance to also it's Ichinose. President eats that and immediately does a 180 on his opinion of Ichinose and wants him dead and buried. (also when Ichinose gets stressed out about this he talks to himself like "Ugh… Stay calm, Ichinose Kazuma. At a time like this…" Ijust think that's cute lmao). When Ichinose tells the President that he was actually tricked it turns out the protag team got a SECOND trick which is I shit you not they fed him to Oi's AI and showed President an AI generated image of him absolutely throating that original cake and President gets so mad he fucking kills him and I just wanted to dwell a bit on how Ichinose is canonically a victim of AI sludge. Anyway before Ichinose fucking dies he says "Eeek!" and starts ugly crying before getting executed and then it's all officially over post ended Ichinose is no more the wicked bitch is dea

Anyway this is where we actually really get into this, I will only get more unhinged from this point, we gotten past just the intro to my hellish essay. Ichinose actually is not dead and just rips President apart from the inside and it is revealed that he can never die because he was a robot the entire fucking time and also his head fell off and he doesn't pick that up for his entire monologue. He was born and raised a human but when he became #1 he got to pick his reward and that was to turn into a robot so he can be immortal.

ok i came back where was i. oh yeah so while he was quote unquote "dead" the protag team was discussing on how to change society somewhat and came up with replacing the Shinagawa company XG with XB games. Ichinose does not want that, he thinks XB is stinky and barbaric and he really hates it for some never explained reason, like its personal or something, and while he begs Zero to pleaseeeee give him another chance it is instead decided that him and protag team are gonna have a baseball showdown and whoever wins makes the Shinagawa rules. He grumbles a bit on how much he hates it when Zero makes these kinda decisions on a whim and also ewwwww baseball but doesn't really have a choice so he goes and gets that bat

XB kinda functions like debate showdowns in DR or reasoning death matches in RC with the added element of throwing balls at each other with mechanisms I do not understand. Anyway the main debate in XB about Ichinose is first about whether it was his fault for losing XG or his subordinates', and the second is whether he is actually fit to be a leader. Anyway before they start, Ichinose gets really mad and screams at his goon #38 because he just now found out that she didn't report to him about the cool cake being too light and blames her for his downfall. He is livid about having been accused that actually it might be his fault and keeps on hurling deaths threats/promises until they finally get him to throw that damn ball already

It has become very quickly apparent that... he has little to no arguments. He does not know how to defend himself without sounding downright incoherent or contradicting himself, just going "ummmm nuh uh......" and doesn't even attempt at lies, either. He just lets himself be a laughing stock in front of all the other players and all he has to say about it is just yelling insults and telling them to shut up and stop being mean to him because he's literally neurodivergent and a minor. Anyway, his first defense against the argument that "maybe if you weren't verbally abusing all your employees 24/7 they'd be more comfortable telling you things" is "[quoting] Z-Zip it! You imbeciles can't possibly understand what it's like to be in charge! They're the ones to blame! I've done nothing wrong!"

Anyway he moves on with his second argument where he realizes (..... though it's more like, him grasping at random shit, because he seriously gives of the impression that even he does not believe half the things he's saying) that the reason that his subordinate didn't report the Nefarious Cake Suspicious Weight was because she was trying to purposefully humiliate him that bastard goon. In his words: "I can understand wanting to backstab me for being so perfect, but there are lines that shouldn't be crossed!" which is great man anyway, Oi says that's stupid and Ichinose says execute that harlot. He then goes off saying that the recipe for success is to inform report consult and if you can't do that then you're beyond incompetent etc etc, and Iroha makes a point that he just took that cake from his subordinate by force without letting her report anything anyway, and he actually doesn't have a counterargument because he knows she's right but will keep on doubling down no matter what even if that just speeds up his eat shit era.

Anyway Gotanda tells him he sucks balls as a boss, nothing we haven't heard before, Ichinose says something about him "not knowing the hardships of those who stand above others" how he's done nothing wrong and and how he isn't disposable like those people because he is the ~Chosen~ #1, which he repeats a lot, very often using how he's "chosen" or "special" as an argument but not elaborating further than that even when/especially if he's asked. What I want to point out is that Gotanda says to him that his subordinates are more competent that him, and Ichinose, while angered... has no comeback. Because he knows that's true even if he'll never admit it no matter how hard it'll fuck him over in the long run.

Actually I don't really have to describe the next scene much and it could be just pasted here pretty fine without additional notes from me, but I don't want to keep it out of the post either:

Gotanda mentions that he spoke to a former colleague of Ichinose once, and they mentioned that he was "incompetent and useless" so let's keep that in mind,

Then we get these lines:

And, let's pause for a few seconds. Why is he even being listened to? Following him gives virtually no benefits aside from, I guess "1% less chance of getting executed", but even then it's stated that being close to him doesn't really do much to save you from that. His takeover of Shinagawa Tribe is downright nonsensical, and yet, him just saying a few words to him about how their leader is enough to terrify them all into submission permanently. Why is everyone so constantly scared shitless of him no matter what. There is zero benefit to following him. The only fucking reason that many people could fall for his bullshit for that long of a time, is if he had some sort of aura like superpower that turns everyone who he ever comes in contact with fucking stupid for the plot to work

Anyway the actual explanation for why he is able to do all this is because he actually has some sort of aura like superpower that turns everyone he ever comes in contact with fucking stupid

No I'm not kidding. This is actually canon this is the truth behind this perplexing case .

So, just, out of the fucking blue, after not saying anything about it for the whole goddamn chapter, Q just casually mentions "oh yeah, that's probably because of the Ichinose Curse. Lol. Lmao, even" we literally never heard about anything like this shit prior to this moment halfway through the XB match nor are we aware of how the fuck did he obtain that information. According to Q, the "Ichinose Curse" is a power of Ichinose that renders all his subordinates in a state of mind control caused by their fear of him. Soooo......... essentially, how I understand this and how I think it's meant to be like, is that the more scared they are of Ichinose, the more susceptible they are to get mind controlled because of that. So, even if his comments towards Shinagawa Tribe members back then were not that effective, then getting even a little bit spooked back then was already causing some effects, which obviously would skyrocket once he executes their leader in front of them. So he does not have to be skilled in any sort of master manipulation, he just has to be intimidating enough. (also explains why the protags are not affected by it, because they're kind of tired of his shit and instead of being scared of him after seeing the manager's execution, they're just really angry instead)

Except. Here's the thing.

I don't think Ichinose fucking knows that himself.

There is NOTHING in the game indicating or even hinting of him being aware that he's literally controlling people, and not just "persuading" them as he puts it with his awesome #1 strats. Nothing. Not even after this information drop from Q - he is never confronted about it by the protags. Ever. For his remainder of appearances. Never do we get a moment where he goes "buwahahaha so you have realized..... my fuckshit forte........ what will you do now......" even though it seems obvious that it'll happen at some point. Nobody ever.... brings the "Ichinose Curse" up to Ichinose himself, ever, and neither does he. Like it's irrelevant to him, or, I'll say this. His actions do not make sense for someone who knows they have a mind controlling power. None of them. Ichinose literally has no fucking idea and genuinely thinks that he's persuading all his subordinates with his own skills and he's that perfect, and, at the same time, does not even get why he's being even listened to anyway if we go off of a quarter of his dialogue.

I was about to say how I got no idea how Q got hold of that fucking information when even the ability-bearer himself, Ichinose, does not have it, but, it actually does make...... kind of sense, if you go into theory territory for a bit? According to me, and this is what I'm sticking with as most plausible, Ichinose is not the only person who has had that ability - and the Ichinose Curse is actually the power of the Ichinose family, which it gets it's name from, and how Q could have gotten that information. If he got relatives that could mind control people, then no matter how obscure that fact might have been in Neo Tokyo, Q could have gotten a hold of it and connect the dots. It could also explain why he didn't say anything earlier; he had heard of some line of Ichinoses with that kind of power, but he wasn't sure if Ichinose Kazuma was from them, but after observing him for enough time it became obvious and that's why he said so only after confirming it during the XB match. That's what I'm believing. The other equally plausible possibility is that the writers sharted but I'm putting trust in them

Anyway, the protags kind of shift the subject of the match, from arguing whether it was Ichinose's or his subordinate's fault for losing XG, to discussing whether working for him has any benefits to prove he sucks to his subordinates so they'll leave him. Whatever I don't care about them

Ichinose keeps making nothingburger arguments and defenses such as "well I'm #1 which means I'm the most outstanding one and being used by the #1 itself is a benefit so checkmate liberals". Or like, more accurately, when confronted by anything he always just answers that, well, he's part of the NUMBERS, and nothing else. His justification for every single one of his actions is that he's #1, which automatically makes him superior and inherently more worthy than the rest ("I am the chosen #1. I'm not disposable like those incompetent fools.") -- whenever it comes up, he always pairs having that title with surely making him Chosen and Special, and gets very upset with the protag group for "not realizing [his] greatness". He rarely lists himself being the literal Director (and the de-facto President via his bribery shenanigans) of Shinagawa City as what makes him so special, and this position is what seems to actually give him some real power and not just a fancy title. What does being "#1" in particular even entail? Who knows, but he sure is holding onto it for dear life. It would be a shame if. Nevermind

Moving on. He keeps failing at dodging arguments just as miserably as before -- Upon presented with reality and actually believing it somewhat he rationalizes and justifies to himself that he's never to blame regardless of how much his arguments don't make sense, knows that he's in the wrong or at least can't reason against it, at least subconsciously, cannot defend himself and is visibly nervous, the usual, whatever. Until he gets one match with Todoroki, and, just says something that's just a really odd comment.

For context, Todoroki is one member of the Trash Tribe/protag team, who is distinctive for two things: being insanely rich, and a massive asshole. He constantly acts superior towards, insults and is nasty to everyone he ever meets for virtually no reason and has no redeeming qualities. Him and Ichinose never had any meaningful conversation with each other. Ichinose just... not only paid enough attention to Todoroki specifically to notice that despite being established several times that he does not care for anyone other than himself and does not acknowledge anyone else in the room, he also recognizes that this behavior is indeed, a dick move (cheers for self-awareness). And basically, just. Sounded like he just started projecting completely unprompted.

From this moment on, it is absolutely pointless to even list all the arguments you have with him as a separate thing, as he constantly just makes the same defenses because he has none. He literally has zero fucking counterargument aside from "nuh uh" or "ok well but have you considered I'm literally #1. which essentially makes me like a prettier Yomi and the winner of this argument" if I'm ever in court and my lawyer is Ichinose I'm killing myself.

Like. Look at this silly silly unserious man.

Anyway, Gotanda goes up to all his subordinates and tells them "believe in thyself.... go work for me instead......" so they'll snap out of the Ichinose Curse and it's not very effective. Ichinose tells him to leave his kittens alone and that he has trained them to 100% obey him and that special relationship will never fall apart which is funny cause I'm pretty sure I've heard that some time ago before and it ended with him inside an iron maiden. Anyway Gotanda calls out to Ichi's subordinates by their actual names and Ichinose is a bit taken aback cause he forgot they got names. Gotanda asks how the fuck do you not know the names of any of your subordinates and Ichinose goes that they all look the same anyway. Gotanda uses that and it is very effective this time, and literally every single Ichinose henchman just decides that he sucks and they all leave. No this doesn't mean the game's over Ichinose is just alone now it's like a 1v9 perhaps more I didn't count all the protags. Ichinose gets extremely pissy and his featured yellow-highlighted argument is "I am the best in Shinagawa! I don't need anyone's help!" which ermmm ackshually, no one offered to help you, and also when you got sucked into the iron maiden for a thousand deaths your second instinct was to yell for help so. Ratio

Anyway he actually gets asked what his basis for saying that #1 is superior and to provide a reliable source for that too and his answer is that it's because Zero said so. Thanks for clearing that up

Anyway not only did Gotanda talk to his former acquaintance who said that Ichinose was incompetent and useless, he also got a hold of his HR evaluation report and they also said he was "bottom-tier and completely useless". Everybody hated that guy and he had zero skills or strengths before he became the Director so his argument about being inherently excellent special superior and a "born winner" was him lying through his teeth literally every piece of power he had was given to him by someone else, that he did not work for, either.

Anyway, this one's fun. Gotanda asks Ichinose to list his strengths, and he just can't. He just goes "uhhhmmm umm well there are too many itd be a waste of time to list them all and if I said it then you'd cry at how cool I am. Wait a moment I'm still thinking. Uhhhghhnng. ummmm. Well there's just too much to say..." and only after direct prompting from Gotanda to hurry the fuck up and stop stalling he musters up something about having charisma which makes everyone follow him (they literally all left. also no one tell him about the mind control), which is a vaguely abstract nothing trait. In the next, separate scene he has made significant improvements in being able to list any of his positive qualities aside from his status, and says that he's also hot. Great job Ichinose you beat the loser allegations! Anyway next scene he loses at XB miserably it was great while it lasted.

(Before that Gotanda also tells him "your self-esteem is so outrageous I feel embarrassed just listening to you… I'm actually starting to doubt your sanity." but like. Hmmmmm is it really self-esteem. Is it. Does he ever sound like it is.)

Anyway he immediately goes "AAAHHHHHH". Zero appears and vaguely insults his capabilities, Ichinose spares no time begging him to pleaseeeeee give him a rematch he won't slip up next time just pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee give him another chance sobbing and shaking cutely and Zero says no. Well, he doesn't actually say no but......

Zero says that now is a good time to tell him, that, actually, he is #1 because he is weakest of all the Numbers, and that he is a loser and cringe and completely yaoiless and also sucks. He didn't tell him that all this time cause he felt sorry for him.

Immediately after:

I love. Rotating this bastard in my mind.

Being the "Chosen" and "Special" #1 is what he based his entire worth off until this moment, a proof of his superiority and what made him "not disposable" like other people like he said so earlier. He talks about it all the time, it is his main and only argument and justification for everything he does and he's holding onto it for dear life even if as it was shown through the game it really did not have any significance aside from being a fancy sounding title. He can hardly list any positive traits of himself that don't have to do with being #1 without stalling. He probably was a nobody before becoming #1, according to Gotanda people really just considered him incompetent and completely useless. Literally every piece of power he had was given to him by someone else, that he hardly even worked for, and both of those superiors (the President and Zero) did not give a shit about him, while he believed they had a "mega special & unbreakable bond". He constantly sucks up to the people above him, and it's especially pathetic with Zero. Ichinose clearly thought they had Something, according to him he was "the only person who acknowledged [him]", gave him his approval, that reveal must have done unspeakable things to his brain. And even then, despite it all, he STILL tries to appeal to Zero, literally begs him again for a rematch like he's seriously got no dignity left. And being #1 really was the only thing he had going for him, he's a coward with no skills, lacks awareness in most areas but surprisingly still retains some of it regarding him not being a competent leader, has no arguments in XB (or theyre incoherent or contradicting, doesn't even attempt at lies) for the cake not being his fault, and working for him having benefits, probably does not believe either not that deep down but keeps doubling down, when Gotanda says his subordinates are more competent than him he has no comeback. He literally has a special ability that he does not even know about (or is in denial, who knows) hes never had to work for being listened to, truly thinks that its his Excellence and Perfection that makes people obey him, with his own skills, also doesn't seem to really actually get why he's being listened to he knows it makes no sense. The fucking Todoroki scene projection 1000. And I'm gonna go even further and say that him picking immortality as a reward is just proving he does not think over anything and is only shallowly chasing more power and security, immortality is famously a standard superpower that people don't really think about as hard as they should before they say that they'd want it, it will dissapoint you not be fun and you'll suffer for eternity wishing that fuckass snail was real. This feels so good to finally fucking write down and post this man is driving me insane I don't even think 99% of all that shit was even intentional or intended to be taken as seriously as I do by the writers there is a permanent Ichinose shaped organ right inside my brain and I can't take it anymore I

And this is just. Painful to read. But I mean, let him cope I guess, it's not hurting anyone, let him believe it.............. It'll help him stay functional

Anyway, regarding the robot thing, to add even more salt to the injury, Zero admits that he built him as shittily as possible with the parts he just had on hand, no regard for quality or durability. When Ichinose suggests that he pleaseeeee give him a rematch, Zero says that he's looking forward to it, but, he hates to break it to him that it's probably the end for him. Ichinose's mildly confused and Zero explains that he has a battery that drains pretty quick when he does any strenuous exercise (which he did play a whole match of baseball just a bit ago). Like, it's literally running out right now and he'll turn off soon. Ichinose asks him to then please recharge him, or give him a new battery, and Zero says "No <3". After panicking for a few seconds Ichinose just. Turns off and stays like that probably forever. Gotanda literally said that they are going to make sure that he never wakes up and they just. Leave him there. Like that's the end

And with that, finally, I fucking did it. I wrote down the Ichinose manifesto. Please tell me I'm not alone in my obsessive fascination with Ichinose from the fucking shitty Tribe Nine gacha. Why is it a fucking gacha.

Some other notable certified Ichinose momence:

When he first appears Kuronaka thinks that he has a "relaxed expression", but, he's actually like notably the character (next to Q) with the most prominent stress lines under his eyes. And also literally nothing about Ichinose to me screams "relaxed" man's in the fucking trenches emotionally every second of his stupid baka life

"you normie" <- actual line he said

Robot built so shitty he still feels thirst. The moist eyes comment

I don't even know what is happening in this scene

Sometimes he just makes this slutty af pose for no reason

[kim-poce]

I didn't know NPD was a thing, here (where I live) people say "narcissist" to people who love themselves way too much/egocentric people, but like, a personality trait, I had never heard about it as a disorder.

I saw a post of a person talking about their past and about “Narcissistic Abuse” and about being abused in a toxic relationship with a "narcissist" and, since the term was clearly being used as a curse word or something, I thought it was indeed a curse word and like, talking about someone who is egocentric, not someone with NPD (which I still didn't know existed).

Then I kept seeing similar posts from time to time (they were too long and I mostly skimmed through them), and after a while, I realized "narcissist" in this context was a disorder, after noticing it, I also noticed that people were saying that someone narcissist (aka someone with NPD) was inherently an abuser.

I reread this post (and I few more after that), and was really confused, because either I was getting it wrong (which were possible since I hadn't made any research) OR several people were being really ableist and I really hoped I was only wrong.

I don't know what point I'm making, maybe none, I'm just telling how I didn't know this thing (NPD) and the first moment I get in contact with this term is in a post really ableist and which does no one favor.

I don't really get why people insist on demonizating disorders, like? No, thinking better I think I do know why, I think, maybe it's to get themselves out of the group? Like to deny that they could do a bad thing, maybe they think they can't do anything truly bad, they are good! and someone who does something bad must have something "wrong with their mind" or something? Is that the reason things like this happen?

Like, what do people gain from it? Like, congratulations! Now you have from 1 to 5% of all people with this harmful little "Bad Person" label who will mess with their lives! You are also making lots and lots of domestic abuse survivors' healing process harder! Not only that, but you are also making predators have a really useful excuse for their deed, you are giving them a way to say "No it wasn't domestic abuse, you see, I am sick and I couldn't help it" So what if very few predators would truly fill into NPD, right? Why care about facts when you can make lots and lots and MILLIONS OF PEOPLE'S life harder by keeping this ableism up?

[agirldying]

When I was a little kid I used to have this split self of identity where I would split on myself and go from being all good to all bad. I thought of myself as either all good, but when I thought I was a bad person I was all bad, wanted to kill myself, and I would vent to my older cousins about being bad (not wanting to die part) and I remember them stressing saying things like “no no adam you’re not all bad you’re not a bad person stop you’re fine you’re a good kid” so I’d believe them and sometimes rearrange my beliefs at some point. I think they were helpful in helping me balance myself. I don’t remember thinking about myself being bad for any particular reason at least nothing I can remember. Do you know what that could be? Not expecting you have all the answers just been wondering about it

Hi Adam,

From my non-professional understanding (and also as someone who does not have the disorder I'm about to name) this sounds like NPD. Because (someone please correct me if I'm wrong) NPD is typically characterized by highs and crashes based around self-perception. Splitting is typical of BPD, but that's usually external, not internal. I found that this article was super informative and non-biased in explaining NPD.

Just as a disclaimer, this is not meant to be a diagnosis of any kind and I would definitely research this more if this is resonating with you before coming to a conclusion. Here is a masterpost of other resources you could start with if you're interested in learning more about how NPD works. I have not read all the resources in that post so if there's anything problematic in there let me know.

I also just want to say that this is only one symptom that is coherent with NPD and so it may not be that, it could be something else entirely (or maybe it's not even a particular disorder as we often develop irrational beliefs about ourselves based on certain events in our lives without having a disorder).

I hope I could help make sense of things, please let me know if you need anything or want to comment on this at all.

[obeymebutcursed]

This isn't cursed but I have a desperate need to share and you're the first blog I clicked on. Also spoiler warning

General conclusion in the fandom with Asmo is that he's a narcissist as a cover up for being insecure with his personality. The game does a little to support that with his arc in season 2 but if I'm being honest when he was called out on for not liking his personality, he wasn't that broken up about it? You'd suspect if he was covering it up for thousands of years he'd be seriously breaking down when people find out. So, I have a different theory.

Nobody talks about it too much but near the end of season 2, it was mentioned that he had a really bad breakup in the past, apparently so bad that Solomon had to take care of him after. It's also mentioned several times how Asmo is actually really good at dealing with his brothers when they're upset. So, I think he's less a delusional mess and more recovered from the break up, using his exadurated self love as a coping mechanism.

What do you think?

I'm going to start this off by saying that I haven't actually played through most if not all of the newer released lessons, so unfortunately I know little about the actual lore in full, but I luckily don't mind spoilers, and my friend has given me a little insight.

My opinion will be under the cut so I don't need to worry about overdoing it or being a nerd or anything because I'm a mental health junkie and enjoy knowledge and educating.

I should also mention I'm not a psychologist by any means.

Again, this is my personal breakdown of Asmo and his narcissistic personality, having not really went through lessons after like 25 (I'm so so so behind I know.) because I've forgotten lessons existed for a long while.

Beware, this is going to be a long one. But I promise it is worth the read. You may even learn something.

~

Okay so let me start this by breaking down the possible stem of Asmo's narcissistic behavior in my opinion, based on some of the research I've done on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and what little I know about Asmo's time as an angel. (Thanks to a dear friend I have seen spoilers from recent lessons so I'm not going into this totally blind.)

I believe it began in the Celestial Realm. Asmo was praised, complimented, and grew up with a very high self-worth. He was named the "Jewel of the Heavens", so clearly people valued his looks. Assumably this would lead to a spike in his idea of his own self-value. The beginning of narcissistic behaviors.

If a child grows up with an unrealistic point of view of their high self-worth granted by the high praise of others, they're very likely to develop NPD with that mindset. I assume that Asmo's compliments didn't just suddenly happen when he was a bit older. I can imagine it started from a young age. Which would feed that feeling of overconfidence and overwhelming love for oneself.

Now, given that Asmo was seen as someone incredibly beautiful and of high stature, upon his fall into Devildom, it would be an incredible shock, as while he is still beautiful, he is different, changed, and may not have gotten the same attention he did in the Celestial Realm. This would result in a flood of insecurity about his image, wondering why the others didn't see him as such an amazing and great being, as well as his own idea of himself changing with his new appearance.

Let me now get into the hidden insecurity thing.

As someone who has dealt with insecurity for a long time, I'm not sure if being called out on it would necessarily break me down, regardless of how long I've been hiding it. Yeah being called out would sting, and it wouldn't feel right, but also breaking down would mean vulnerability, thus showing that extra insecurity that you may be trying to hide.

Not to mention, people who live with NPD are less likely to show that vulnerable and insecure side to them, as that is exactly what they have been trying to hide for so many years.

So using his narcissistic behavior as a coping mechanism and mask for his insecurity is still very much plausible for Asmo, especially if it already in his mindset that he is above everyone else in beauty and such.

About your theory, I do agree that it is incredibly interesting.

I can see where this theory would come into play. It would be a good lesson for people, should this theory be the case for him. Using self love as a way to cope after a painful breakup or traumatic experience is in fact a better way to manage the stress, pain, loss, and other emotions that a person may feel.

However, I will say, Asmo does still go a bit over the top.

Self love is amazing, yes, but when it comes to a point where you are prioritizing yourself and your looks over just about everything else, it teeters on the line of narcissism.

A breakup with trauma and pain so bad can hurt a person's mental health. Thus leading to an insecurity increase. Said insecurity can be thought to be fixed by using copious amounts of self love and self worship, which then, if overwhelming enough, could very well lead to a mask of narcissism to hide the underlying insecurity a person feels.

Tying back into the already formed narcissistic behavior, if Asmo were to somehow open himself up and see through the narcissism, then have this happen and revert back to feeling insecure, it would come back to him as a clutch. A way of coping because he obviously felt great joy being praised, and it will feel even better when he is hurting. He needs someone as well as himself, to tell him that he is enough, and usually confident people are seen to be happier and more praise worthy for being "happy with themselves". Hopefully that makes sense.

As for him helping his brothers, I believe his knowledge of dealing with his brothers when upset stems from knowing his own personal experiences and not wanting to put others in that situation. He is very loving and kind, so this very well may be the case. Not to mention the years of studying them and really getting to know them and how they act. This probably runs true with most of them, they just fail to act on it or see it.

Being a narcissist does not mean you're incapable of helping and being empathetic with others. In most cases it is shown differently, as the connections are harder to grasp, and most narcissists are unwilling to empathize because they want to keep their vulnerability in check.

Narcissism, when really settled, is hard to change. But perhaps years of experience for Asmo has helped him see through some of it and learned how to better manage it so it's not too much all the time. Surely his brothers would learn how to help him, what works, and what doesn't.

I personally believe regardless, Asmo's narcissistic behavior does still stem from an insecurity issue and programmed unintentional behavior and mindset as a young angel.

It also may just be the case of that's how the writers just thought to write him and there is no real proper explanation.

Whatever the case may be, Asmo is a very strong yet underrated and seemingly underused and overlooked character.

I do hope whatever mess of knowledge that just dumped out of my brain makes sense and is somewhat of an answer of what you were looking for.

I apologize that this is so incredibly long. 😬

[archived-brokentoys]

Little things about Ed’s OCD, because while I often talk about his childhood trauma and NPD, I feel I’ve been neglecting headcanons regarding his OCD. (And really, I needed to do more research about it.) 

This post will have heavy topics regarding self harm, child abuse and CSA.

- Edward suffers terribly with unwanted and intrusive thoughts. But this isn’t only from his OCD, but also his NPD. You think Ed never shuts up? You should hear what goes on in his brain. It never stops and it is loud. Most thoughts are self-deprecation. Telling him he’s not good/smart enough and then explaining how. To try to prove himself wrong, he’ll try to combat these thoughts, Edward will fiddle with a physical puzzle; typically either a Rubik’s Cube or a 3D wooden puzzle. These are quick to do and can help prove to himself that he’s smart and not a cheater. Of course, it doesn’t take long for the insecure thoughts to restart in his brain.

- Some of Edward’s intrusive thoughts are sick and unbearable. He’s replayed the beatings and sexual assault he’s endured in his youth to the point he’s screaming and crying. He doesn’t want to think of these thoughts, but he literally cannot stop. Usually, he’s alone when this happens and therefore... he often ends up hurting himself because he suffers from a panic attack and often times starts suffering from an outburst which may involve him kicking objects or throwing himself to the floor.

- He constantly has thoughts of self-harm. Usually by bashing his head into a wall or a hard surface in order to stop these thoughts. However, because of his love for his brain/intelligence, this causes him to become conflicted and therefore suffer from a severe panic attack.

- Ed actually suffers from frequent panic attacks and I should probably explore and mention that more in threads. As not only is it because of his mental illnesses does he suffer from these panic attacks, but also because he barely sleeps and consumes far too much caffeine. Ed’s mental health is not well at all.

- While his compulsions doesn’t necessarily deal with the common germphobics (he doesn’t like to be dirty, but that’s more so of keeping up appearances than a compulsion.) Edward is compelled to make sure everything in his room is neat; drawers closed and things placed where they were originally. He doesn’t want to make any mistakes, Not only is it because he fears of not being better than perfect, but he also fears that if he sets up one thing wrong... even if it’s a pencil on the floor, then it’ll somehow cause all of his plans to be destroyed and Batman will win just because of that one mishap. When Batman does win? Ed blames it on cheating, but then blames himself... he CONVINCES himself that it’s because he must’ve not had everything in order.

- Edward also has to make sure his doors are locked, especially before going to bed. This is both from OCD, and the trauma he endured as a child. Even when he knows he’s alone, he fears he’ll wake up with someone taking advantage of him while he’s asleep. Therefore, it’s become a compulsion to always lock the doors.

- The drugs Edward takes actually helps with his OCD a bit, or so he feels it does, therefore it worsens his addiction. (As I’ve pointed out many times on this blog... Ed actually has MANY reasons to why he’s addicted to hard drugs and why it’s so hard to get him off them.)

- OCD is also the reason Edward has difficulties sleeping beyond him simply not wanting to. Unlike most patients with OCD, Edward doesn’t take any medications to sleep. Often times when he sleeps... it’s literally because he shuts down from exhaustion.

- His OCD is actually very difficult to treat, even in reformed verse where he’s going to therapy and taking medication... it’s still very difficult to manage, albeit better. He often has to try new things to manage it.

- And of course, the last one which is his downfall against Bat and the police... always having to leave a riddle behind after or before he’s to commit a crime.

[gamergirluprising]

Alastor’s Possible Backstory, Emotional, And Mental State.

Okay, so, I find Alastor from Hazbin Hotel one of the few characters that interest me due to his sheer mysterious aura. He has a lot of secrets and I’d like to dissect this man down to his mannerisms, his beliefs, his (low-key/high-key?) pessimistic view of life, and his use of voodoo. I personally am not a fan of the said show since it’s pretty vulgar and hasn’t caught my attention due to the possible problems I see in the show (Why the heck did the God in this universe allow a hierarchy to take place AND give people superpowers by turning them into magical animals and such? Why did he even make a Hell?) 

But anyway, I’m not here to discuss my likes and dislikes about the show, I'm here to discuss the Radio Demon and what could have possibly happened in his life as a child to start this craziness and explain his complex personality, mental state, and emotional state. Alrighty with that being said, LET’S DISSECT!

ＭＥＮＴＡ L~𝓔𝓜𝓞𝓣𝓘𝓞𝓝𝓐𝓛 ~BEGINNING

Dude’s got a mental problem fam, and I'm not saying this just cause this man’s teeth are as yellow as Bill Cipher’s entire existence. No, no, no this man is crazy for not just his unhinged need to see other’s fail and to have utter and complete control(Will tackle later) he’s crazy for his huge narcissistic behavior. Dude, Honestly thinks he’s better than everyone and ONLY allows those he thinks are worthy into his “friend” circle. I quote friend because I’m not too sure how exactly and deeply he feels about Rosie aside from their relationship being like Jack and Mary from Mary Poppins Returns, as stated by Vivzie on twitter. He finds those who don’t always smile as people who are WEAK and LAUGHABLE and regardless of how they are, he still finds them to be weak, which BY GOD is such a flawed way of thinking GEEZ. Now after reading about Alastor and becoming more intrigued, I decided to do research on his behavior and when and how it starts. 

𝐍𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐦 has 9 defining traits. I’ll go over a few that I’ve noticed.

1. He really thinks he’s more important than anyone else and has shown this through his mannerisms, the way he speaks, his vibe and just his general character scream “I’m better than you!”

2. HE LOVES SHOWING OFF! Dude can’t seem to get enough of the spotlight, thus why he LOVES to broadcast his carnage on the radio! Why else would he do so!? He finds constant admiration and respect when he does his “little” display of power!

3. Now, we ALL know he has done some pretty...gruesome things to claim strength and be seen as the strongest, even when there are others who are stronger he displays himself as if he is more dominating and wouldn’t waste his time with, how you say, vermin. This is evident by his response to Vox

You can find where I found this here at Faustisse’s cleanup and Inking vid of the upcoming Alastor Comic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_15UYpcWJ_Q

In case it is too hard to read due to the bad quality, Alastor is saying “Show off all that and no cattle.” which is pretty much  “all hat, no cattle” (or, alternately, “big hat, no cattle”) which refers to someone who is all talk with no action, power, or substance behind his/her words. I’d applaud this power move, and still kinda do, if it weren’t for this dudes BIG HEAD lol.

BUT, you get the point, the dude is an egomaniac! “We already knew this, I mean DUH!” you say to me pinching the bridge of your nose. “Why do you point out the obvious?!”

Well, notice how severe and prevalent these traits are. Don’t you find it odd how this dude has SEVERE megalomania? Well, I did research and found out that Narcissism has a very sad connection most of the time and affects males more than females.

at https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/causes-of-npd here’s what I found

Notice the parental factors during early childhood are all abuse-related. This could very well be one, if not the main reason, why Al is the way he is: He was abused as a child! And to make matters worse, as I was looking deeper into this, I noticed that sexual abuse is ANOTHER factor, which would explain why Alastor doesn’t like being touched without consent or by surprise but will GLADLY invade other’s personal space to feel in control (He's a hypocrite like that). Sexual assault victims ALSO don’t like being touched without consent so this just adds more proof to my claim! And serial killers tend to have a rough family life and have been molested, taken advantage of, neglected, or all of the above! 

It’s also come to my attention that Alastor enjoys talking with women more than men for 2 reasons. 1) Alastor finds it easier and more enjoyable to talk with women. 2) He finds men to be dumb brutes at least in hell.

I give COMPLETE CREDIT to @dollymoon

Thank you for the awesome amount of facts you’ve provided! RESPECT! https://www.tumblr/dollymoon

Alastor most likely has a very harsh grudge against the world due to his treatment as a young child. His abuse, and possible loss of his mother growing up, lead to him finding joy in seeing those suffer and fail EVERY SINGLE TIME! Notice the way he talks creepily to Charlie about watching sinners “Repeatedly trip and tumble down to the fiery pits of F A I L U R E.” Look at this man’s face as he’s saying this! The man looks turned on with the VERY fact of people suffering, that’s his kink, y’all, he a damn sadist! (No, being asexual doesn’t mean you can’t have kinks, I’ve checked, lol. Got you fam.) Ima kink shame the hell out of this man (Pun-unintended) 

Ahem, anyway, this dude has got a hate boner for the world and finds relief when exacting pain on others because he feels wronged and feels the world is to blame. He does seem to acknowledge and accept that where he’s at is the end of the road for those who want to change, their chance was when they were alive, and has accepted that this is the natural order of things and they can’t fix that. I had this vibe that he must have gone to church as a kid due to his mom being religious and he loved his mom so he obeyed, Has been stated by Faustisse that he’s a mama’s boy, BUT remember, Vivzie said anything that comes out of HER mouth is what’s canon. Unless she has already stated it as fact any other info can’t be trusted. (Even though this info is PAINSTAKINGLY clear just by him mentioning his mother’s cooking and it just makes too much sense, lol.)

So he must have grown up to be low-key violent but with manners like he practiced being slick and suave in order to trick people into trusting him so that he may kill them without getting caught, which would work perfectly with him not chasing people due to his moral code. He practiced and practiced and seeing as how he was well-off in his later years, I’d assume he started doing his radio schtick when he was in his early 20s or at the age of 18. So he began when the roaring 20s was just starting, a new beginning for him! 

Alastor's name means "he who does not forget", "avenger", "persecutor", "tormenter", "one who suffers from divine vengeance".

(This also makes me think his real name is Alexander/Alexandre since it's the exact opposite of his Hell-Name and more interestingly, in terms of name-giving traditions, between the latter half of the Spanish period (1790-1803) and the beginning of Jim Crow Segregation (1893-1964), gallicized names of classical Greek and Roman origins dominated in Loiusiana. This may be due, in whole, or in part, to the fact that New Orleans had North America’s (excluding Central America and the Caribbean) first Opera Houses and Theatres, owned, frequented and operated by Creoles from Louisiana, Cuba and Saint-Domingue/Haiti. Adonis is my second choice since It literally means "handsome man" and that would totally fit him for his handsomeness to the fact I feel that his mom would def name him this outside of Alexander/Alexandre.) http://www.mylhcv.com/common-creole-names-for-males/

This is a HEAVY hint to what happened in his life and why he’s so drawn to seeing people fail and helps hold my theory together quite a bit, if not a lot. Of all the names to give this dude, he was given a name that legit is on par with the word “Vengeance” and “Avenger”. Vengeance for what? Avenge who? He was wronged. He possibly is angered also by the death of his mother, who was most likely his ONLY ray of light. He is a broken man who most likely has insecurities, based on the info of narcissism which tells us that narcissistic people are the most insecure sorts of people. Alastor is aware of this and sees it as a weakness, something to be culled and hidden from the world never seeing the light of day. His only way of making himself feel stronger and more in control was through voodoo and cannibalism. Many Cannibals believe to be the bees-knees since they go a step FURTHER into crime by devouring their victims and placing themselves into a rank different and more feared by the rest. They see that no one else would even have the balls to attempt to reach that spot, which again leads back to the way Alastor thinks. He just adds oil to the fire when doing voodoo and doing BLOOD RITUALS which you can see him doing when attacking Sir Pentious!  https://twitter.com/hntrgurl13/status/1197918059836690433?s=20

Dude has so much baggage that he hides behind a smile he thinks ALONE brings strength like niBBa are you serious? I’d like to see this man try and say that to the faces of strong people like Superman, Goku, Midoriya, Naruto, Broly, Wonder Woman, GOD. Yo even GOD shows emotions. Wanna know why these beings are strong? It ain’t just cause they smile, Nah, it’s cause they’re determined or the very literal embodiment of determination. they have a damn balance and that strength helps them smile through the pain, they don’t need to exhibit a smile to be strong cause them being themselves and having the strong mentality is what gives them strength, not a damn smile. Watch Charlie hit him with the good old reality check when the man attempts to freaking take over her joint (Both hotel and hell) and she proves strength ain’t just gained through smiling or dominating others. He high-key sounds weak for even having that mindset, only weaklings think like this. He has a very weak view of life which brought forth a monster, or should I say DEMON.

Here’s the info of him not liking being touched.

I’d also like you guys to keep in mind that Vivzie has stated that none of the characters have split personalities, proving Al knows EXACTLY what he's doing.

It’s all them but some have a DUALITY to them. As hinted at by the word "dual" within it, duality refers to having two parts, often(but not always) with opposite meanings, like the duality of good and evil. If there are two sides to a coin, metaphorically speaking, there's a duality. Notice how Alastor also has a duality in him. What kind tho? Remember those shadows that follow him everywhere? Yeah I'm pretty sure those shadows represents his duality in some way, shape, or form.

I also forgot to add that Masochism and Sadism both ALSO stem from the same things Narcissism does or similar things like being sexually abused as a kid. Remember not all cases are the same, I just wanted to put that out there (Not sure If Al is still a Masochist since that’s old info from him being just a deer and liked it when people tried to kill him.)

So in conclusion:

-Dude was possibly abused as a child by his Father

-he hates society/the world due to his terrible child life

-He possibly feels shame for what he has done and thus has accepted his fate

-He loves his mama and MOST LIKELY hates his father who probs is the one who did him a terrible service for just being his father growing up, this would explain his view on men as well

-He also feels shame for being so weak to even allow his father or any male figure to do what they did to him

-Man gets turned on when seeing people like sinners suffer.

KEEP. IN. MIND. None of this excuses his terrible behavior and excuses for being so power-hungry, He’s an interesting character and I love his quirks but he is by no means a victim without faults. He is a product of society and that’s sad but he needs to pay for his horrible actions. Cannibalism is going to far, using you and your victim’s blood for voodoo isn’t excusable, and just killing someone for the sake of vengeance won’t make the pain go away, so nothing he does that involves harming people is cute or a way to suppress his anger, which he’ll have to learn the hard way in this story, I bet. Hopefully, it’s done well cause he’s still very much a bad guy regardless of the fact that he is aiding charlie.

WHEW, that was a long post, one of my longest ones! I really wanted to write out my thoughts on this character cause I’m ALWAYS intrigued by the mystery characters like him withhold. They tend to have hints to their behavior and it was really fun traveling through the possibilities of his nature. I’m probably 100% wrong about all of what I said since I am still not sure about everything and I researched as much as I could. I wouldn’t have had such an easy time if it wasn’t for @dollymoon and their amazing efforts to inform the community, y’all crazy but y’all dedicated so respect. I am not part of the community so I wouldn’t have been able to pinpoint all the info and more. So this is my piece on Alastor the Radio Demon, a.k.a dude who looks like he’s taken ecstasy. 

P.S

-Why is this man wearing a torn up and ragged jacket when he can easily make himself a better freaking jacket? The man wore a one that was fresh as hell during his reprise, so what gives?! and why in God’s name is his damn teeth yellow? How you gonna say “You're never fully dressed without a smile” but got on one of the dirtiest smiles I’ve ever freaking seen? I'd rather not smile and be strong than to wear my clothes at its dirtiest(his smile I mean). Ain’t no way in the fresh hell would I invite an edgy radioman, who I know does voodoo, into my damn house, I am too black/Haitian for that bull.

-Y’all finna tell me why y’all falling for a man who canonically has stank breathe...?

At least clean his damn teeth and give him a mint first, D A M N people!

again, thank you very much @dollymoon

but yeah, that’s my theory y’all, hope you enjoy and sorry for the constant repetition in here! DISSECTION OVER. . .

[turingtestr]

mobile post of all my information for the anon who wanted a mobile rules / bio. i could make a google docs but i’m burnt out. please also note, i haven’t even GLANCED at my bio i wrote for elijah since 2018, so uh... i should probably do that. sorry if it’s bad.

ONE. due to the nature of my roleplaying style, there will absolutely be mature themes here and there on this blog. all and any mature themes that involve sexual topics of the nsfw variety will only be written with muses that are 18+. as for those people that are 18+ that follow me, i fully understand if you do not want to write any nsfw content, and if any threads lead to that we can fade to black. just ask me, i’m fairly easy going and more than happy to make people feel welcome. it is not a requirement to rp nsfw content with me and i will never force anyone to do that. !

TWO. this is a selective/private blog. i really only roleplay with mutuals, however you’re more than welcome to reply to any of my open starters if i specify that you can but just know i might not reply because i (1) don’t know your muse, (2) have zero muse for the reply and will get to it later, (3) have no interest in the thread, or (4) am uncomfortable with something on your blog. roleplaying is also a HOBBY for me. i work full time and sometimes i genuinely cannot reply fast. if you hassle me to reply to things, i will not want to roleplay with you and it will turn me off from roleplaying with you completely. in fact, if you harrass me to reply to threads, i will automatically unfollow you because i’m not about that life of being pushed to reply to things. if you spam my follow button to try and get my attention, that will result in a soft block on your behalf. please don’t test my patience. if you do not have your ooc name on your page i will not follow you, due to me thinking hiding your ooc alias is shady and sketchy af.

THREE. i love shipping and i love roleplaying so much. this is not a single ship blog and none of the ships i portray are at the same time (unless further discussed with muns, of course).MY PRIMARY CHLOE SHIPPING PARTNER IS @TURINGTESTEE, which means that if kamski mentions chloe in a verse, he's most likely talking about this chloe. if there are any verses that kamski is going to have one single ship, i will make sure to let people know that in the verse description section once i make it. otherwise, my muse is a free for all. if i do have mains, which will be listed, they are just the people i will reply to the most, however, i won't actually limit myself to only roleplaying with them and i hope my mains respect and are comfortable with that.

FOUR. tagging triggers is something that means a lot to me as i am not comfortable with NEEDLES OR PUPPETS on my dashboard so i blacklist needles tw and puppets tw. i know it’s weird but hey, we all have our things. please let me know if you need anything tagged- even if i don’t personally follow you. you deserve a clean and safe dashboard to roleplay in. WARNING.

FIVE.anon hate will be deleted on the spot. no exceptions. i don’t care about your petty feelings and i won’t tolerate them in the slightest. i’m not here to entertain horrible people’s opinions of myself. constructive criticisms are allowed, but at the respect of myself reblogging a meme asking for it specifically.

SIX. mutuals are allowed to ask for my wire or discord, since i use both and would love to rp on both. i also play dead by daylight on ps4, so if you’d be down to game as well, feel free to hit me up there too! overwatch on ps4 is ITSGEOFFREY so you can add me there too.

SEVEN. i very rarely will send in passwords, as i do not require it and i should not have to be tested on your blog to be allowed to roleplay with someone. usually if you have a password, i genuinely just didn’t think to look for it and i apologize if this upsets you but you probably won’t see any from me.

EIGHT. please take into consideration while dealing with kamski that he has high signs of NPD & a huge god complex.

-----

BIOGRAPHY

NAME: Elijah Dean Kamski ALIASES: Eli, Lij, Boss, Kamski GENDER: Male AFFILIATION: Cyberlife Technologies, currently retired AGE: 36

THE START

there's many days where the kamski family would have a bit of struggles, as elijah grew up. he never knew much about his father, seeing as his father passed when he was a very young boy — no more than six. he'd never grown to know too much about him, and his mother didn't overly want to share about him, so it was safe to say the woman had a reason for not telling elijah and that was that.

growing up with a single mother who had severe epilepsy, elijah tried his very hardest to make his mother's life as easy as possible. school days would be very short considering he'd go straight home from school in order to watch after his mother. some days with his mother, depending on the medication the doctors had recommended her, would be better than others. she always appreciated her son's committment to being with her and he was determined to make life easy on the two of them. using the money she got from the state, she'd try to urge her son go into extra cirricular activiies he wanted to do, however he only dismissed the ideas, claiming that he'd rather be home. he'd use the money to spend on textbooks, wanting to develop his own version of a Vagus nerve stimulation device. one that would make sure to surge with electrical pulses before his mother even remotely had to move herself to activate the device. computer engineering was his goal, and he'd stop at nothing to get through that.

as life continued on, elijah continued to shove his head into books and continuously study. he pushed through high school faster than anyone had expected, at age ELEVEN he had shown his studies to multipile colleges, showing his theories on how to better create medical devices.

THE CHANGE

the university of colbridge had been a struggle for elijah, being the youngest student there. studying medical engineering was easy, and he had decided to double major in computer engineering as well, to perhaps attempt to integrate the two. though school was difficult, the hardest part was being away from his mother. the school had refused to let him travel back and forth, saying that freshmen had to stay on campus as apart of regulations and requirements from the state. when he started college, his mother had decidded upon asking the state for a caregiver- on the off chance that something did happen. with the VNS that was already implanted in her, she was able to have a job during the day, but the caretaker was supposed to just oversee her during the nights. it settled eli's anxiety about his mother a little bit. four months into his freshman year, eli had woken up to a call from the san antonio police, letting him know that his mother had been rushed to the hospital after having a grand mal seizure and hitting her head on their marble counters. apparently the caretaker assigned to look after his mother hadn't even shown up that night. he quickly rushed home, terrified what had happened.

something, however that night had turned elijah into a bitter person. into someone against humanity. though his mother had survived the seizure, things weren't the same for either of them. after knowing his mother's caretaker had ABANDONED her, elijah had fully decided to go more into engineering to create a way for humans to be more reliable. what was more reliable than humanity? MACHINES. something that would always obey. obedient machines that had a purpose and a task and would see it through. dropping fully out of medical engineering, elijah settled for computer science and engeineering instead. the utter drive to create a better human than humans themselves was so strong that by the age sixteen, elijah had worked together with a team of classmates to create the first medical assistant androids. REVOLUTIONARY KICKSTARTER model 100, or RK for short. RK100 was born and tested on his mother, who seeemed quite uneasy, but only wanted to support her son.

ENTER CYBERLIFE

though it wasn't perfect, the ark series took off. mainly piquing interest in san diego, california. the backbones of the mega-billion dollar company that would be founded by elijah kamski and his cohorts suddenly had at least three hundred backers trying to support the small business after seeing what a success the RK100 was at being not only a companion for his mother, but also how helpful the RK was at it's job. the medical caretakers were able to do so much, and suddenly with the money that was being thrown at the group, elijah became more than enthused with power. hungry for it, almost.

making more medical related androids were being highly requested, and the team set out to create diffrent functions for androids, trying to perfect everything.

taking into consideration his mother — his finest mentor and most trusted support, and what she thought of the androids, he sought out to consult with his old AI professor, Amanda Stern, on how to make the androids a bit more lifelike. It was hard, at least for what his mother admitted, for a human to trust a machine that looked like a machine to help themselves out through life. upon her advice, eli threw himself into work, the team of cyberlife growing into a business, and then a wide scale company alongside elijah's work. no matter what, the man was the front of the company, having done the majority of the coding and research in what brought the androids to life. the company sought after targeting the cheapest land developments in the united states in order to make their headquarters and warehouses, bringing CYBERLIFE to DETROIT, MICHIGAN where it currently resides.

it takes kamski four years after founding cyberlife to come out with a brand new appearance for his androids. something human like after struggling and struggling to engineer the perfect components to theorize biological functions. this equiptment created became biocompotenents, but it still wasn't enough to make thes he was creating look HUMAN. but after all the struggles and finally figuring out a way to regulate something akin to blood into the android's system, elijah kamski in the year 2022 releases the RT REVOLUTIONARY TURING model; a personal assistant to elijah kamski that uses the alias ' CHLOE '. Cyberlife has been thurst into the spotlight and once again Elijah Kamski realizes that these advancements in the world have honestly made people envious. the public demands the rights to these androids and while he still is bitter over humanity and the lack of reliabilty that humans provide for the world, he obliges. Cyberlife goes public with their androids and the public are now able to put a price tag on androids.

THE REVOLUTION

the world that assumes elijah kamski is nothing but a greedy, power-hungry boss of a CEO for cyberlife overlooks one important fact: he still wants revenge on the world. his mother passes on at the age 43, a few years before his greatest mentor amanda stern passes. the loss of both role models awakens a vengeful force in elijah kamski. one that wants to remind the world that mortality is relevant for all. cyberlife has created over thousands of models, all for different functions and he looks upon his kingdom with hopeful eyes as well as bitterness. humanity has become less reliant. they've become lazier. androids have become the working force, for the most part, and while elijah sees that as a positive note because it is moving forward away from the laziness and unreliability of humanity — the CEO is fully aware that his androids are becoming more and more human like the more and more they develop. the deviant base code is never once touched. always overlooked by cyberlife developers who dare not touch the work of the first working android made by elijah kamski himself. while he's aware he, himself, is mortal just like the rest of humanity, seeing his creations become sentient, to rise up against the laziness and unreliable humanity that he lives among has been his goal. he just awaits the REVOLUTIONARY KICKSTARTER 200 to actually get pushed to the brink of going through his code.

now it's just a game of waiting to see who pushes who, and who comes up on top. it's always a delight to play god.

THE SIBLING ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

i'm not going to be writing a brand new biography for the gavin / elijah brothers universe, but i need to work out how they can be related with my current bio, or i might just go off of a gavin's biography. shrug emote.

[lavenderglassgirl]

749 pm tues dec 10

I was thinking about self harming this evening, considering it. Considering what i could do in lieu of it. Thinking about my parents. It reminded me of something

I remember when my mom found all my cutting supplies one time she searched my room. I had a bag full of blood soaked paper towels and my journal with the blade i used taped inside. My mom found the bag and asked me what i used to cut with. I showed her the blade, and she got so mad because it was rusted. I got a lecture because it could have killed me. I went to therapy and I don’t think i got grounded, i may have already been grounded at this point too I don’t recall. THis was sometime in middle school so chances were high that i was. But regardless, I didn’t get into any more trouble for this, yet I remember feeling like i was. I remember feeling like my parents were angry at me, they didn’t trust me, they were ashamed of me, they felt i was being over dramatic, just an emotional teenager.

I was talking to Scott today, NPD fresh on my mind from some research for Jesse (will get to that aha) and i went over my lack of privacy. They read my diary when i was 16, brought it to my while i was in the hospital for suicidal ideation. As part of the leaving process for this facility which i was desperately trying to leave (nothing spurs your will to live than prison- er mental health facilities) I was told that i had a session with my therapist (who i had had one 30 minute conversation with) and my parents, whom she had advised per program protocol to search my room. So they searched. They pulled out the half smoked blunt and i got some generic mark lecture about drugs and his house and this that and the other, and words from Laura regarding how it impaires your brain growth and depression and blah blah. Of course what they didn’t bring up was that after this session they would both go home to smoke it off while i went back to my plastic cot where i was allowed to keep a book and my blanket and a pillow from home. After i spent Christmas surrounded by strangers who treated me kinder than my parents in a place that felt like a prison.

And they read my journal. They pulled quotes like it was fucking Shakespeare- we don’t understand why you hate him so much, we don’t understand, we think youre using this as a way to make yourself more upset, we think this is too triggering, were not giving it back.

They kept my diary. My mom had it in the back of her drawer for a long time before i had the nerve to ask for it back, maybe a couple years.

Do you wanna know how they justified all this? What started it?

My biological father got in contact with me again after my 17th birthday. He got the date wrong and I’m pretty sure he thought i was 18 and that’s why he did it. He found my number on facebook, and texted me some bullshit.

My parents allowed me to have a relationship with him- on their terms. I was texting him too late into the night, and too much at school. It was not to interfere with sleep or my school work.

Why? Because my parents didn’t want my grades to slip. No, not because it was causing any actual problems. I was doing really well in my classes, they were just watching my texts and keeping tabs on when i was texting him. They told him and me the same thing, and the next day he texted me while i was between classes and i messaged him back during my free periods, lunch, etc. Genuinely following the heart of the rule which I hadn’t before (i snuck my phone during class) and figuring it would be fine.

Got home, Mark asks if i talked to Eric (should have known he knew) said no, he said i have proof of 36 messages, give me your phone. Really? Yeah.

I handed it over and v o w e d to not say a single word to my parents. It was almost Christmas, and i was grounded for an indefinite amount of time (i think they sat me down after and justified it somehow and i got a month. A month. For texting my biological father. Lmao) They were concerned about our relationship but rather than addressing their concerns in a valid way i just got punished for continuing it. SO i was completely silent for two days. I figured 1) there wasn’t a damn thing they could do to make things worse. They’ve already taken everything before, and i usually cave and kiss ass for the last three weeks because it makes my life more pleasant and fuck them they did not deserve that for this and 2) if they were going to not let me talk to Eric i sure as shit wasn’t going to let them hear from me.

The head came when my mom wrote some trash apology letter to me (i wish i still had it but i shredded it as soon as i read it) that was really an attack on me disguised as an apology that she took no real accountability in. I felt so disgusting, so alone, i saw no way out. Genuinely in that moment i wanted to bleed out in my tub and i wanted Laura to find me. I took a shower and sliced my wrists, a lot. Not the long way, but deeper than i ever had, more than i ever had, and with every intention of getting to that point. I sat in the shower for a long while just watching my wrists bleed and then just kind of came to. THere was this brief panic that over took me and i went into my room and dressed in my giant sweats and sweatshirt and she came in and I showed her my wrists and we went to the er and i got hospitalized.

Yes, i was still grounded when i got out of the hospital. They gave me one day that we celebrated Christmas then they took all my presents until my grounding was done.

This is on par with my 18th birthday. I’m trying to remember why i was grounded this time. Probably weed. I got really smart about almost everything, and i feel like weed was one of them... I had my own car so it wasn’t fucking up theirs... I genuinely W I S H i could remember but honestly I don’t even know. But i was mid grounding on my birthday and they gave me my present, and then left me alone all night, so i figured out how to assemble it myself and cried most of the time.

They grounded me for a month for shaving half my head. They also came into my room while I was sleeping to shave the other half of my head. I refused. They haven’t ever crossed a physical barrier. I would have had them then. I think they might have known that...

I feel broken. Like, a scratched DVD. Like i feel like I’m just skipping at the part where i figure out how to process this shit.

It’s hard its really really hard. I mean talking about it makes it less hard, and I’m glad i was able to talk to Scott. He didn’t seem to really get it until i told him about the diary thing. It’s different for everyone, the part that makes it click when i share my story. It’s usually something they understand personally for one reason or another.

But its hard. I don’t think anyone really gets it, like I don’t think this sort of stuff is fit for conversation with anyone but trained professionals and myself.

My finger hurts and my tummy hurts i think because i had soda and I wanna be more stoned but i also just... wanna not. I thought writing a little might help me feel better but its just making more depressed.

I guess that’s the mood.

Jesses going into a really rough period. He’s having a really really hard time, and just i wish I were in a better space for him. I so so wish i was better at handling my jelousy and insecurities. I’m just trying to feel good about myself. I’m trying to be supportive and kind. I just want to be open and honest. I just want to be helpful and useful. And i know i am those things really often but right now i feel like a nagging annoying ugly morbid monster with a rotting smile and scaley skin and two bellies like a fucking cow. I know i know i know it doesn’t matter if i do but like... it feel like that on the inside. I feel like, there’s just nothing i can do to fill that void, like i feel purposeless right now i guess. I don’t know why I’m here I don’t know what I’m doing nothing makes me feel full i just feel like I’m distracting myself from the empty and i know i know i know i just need to keep pushing forward and taking care of myself but sometime i just don’t want to. I wonder who I’m doing to for.

It should be for me but often i feel like I’m living just because there’s nothing else to do. ANd that’s true but its not a great way to feel. It keeps me going. I know ill get to the good moments again, and probably a lot sooner than i think. I’m just still having a hard time. I’m still struggling to process. I still need to find a therapist among a million other things.

My stomach really hurts UGH.

I wish i had more to share but I don’t. I just hurt and everything is making me sad and I’m just GAH

I wish i knew something to try I wish i had something new i wish there was a way to turn it off for like ten minutes to just remember what it feels like to exist.

AND NOW MY HEAD HURTS

Boi. Ruin m e

In conclusion, i really want to kill myself, but i wont, i really want to cut myself, but i wont, and I’m really sad and i want more coping skills and some serotonin.

Goodnight 😴

[dickssociation]

Hmm... there are some important concepts here and I'm taking specific interest in posts addressing overlap now because my partner is going through a confusing diagnostic process right now that takes into account traits of BPD, when NPD was previously suspected. They have cPTSD for sure, that's a known constant, but the rest gets a little dicey.

Also, as a note, Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by emotional & behavioral lability. They share expressions and symptoms with cPTSD, and are often comorbid, but still often exist without it. Pre-existing genetic components must be catalysted by trauma in order for Cluster B disorders to fully materialize, which has been most notably been observed for BPD.

I've had a tendency to gatekeep the experience of a FP complex in conversation with them, since what they describe sounds similar, but not exactly how the BPD community seems to describe it. But that's the thing. It's simply a description of a phenomena for which the community has coined a term. There's no real scientific definition for it, it doesn't appear in any medical research, and honestly, we're the only people to document it happening, so what a "Favorite Person" is to someone can only be anecdotal.

Since I've explained it to them, I don't think either of us would be cool with using that term for what they experience unless they get a diagnosis that they're fully behind from a psychologist who they fully trust. I still think you're right, that it typically is a BPD-exclusive thing that most other people wouldn't understand. However, it might be a little dangerous to tell people that if they've ever experienced something that's known to be a BPD thing, they must have BPD, and that no other disorder can cause something that looks the same. Those hard lines in the sand only serve to label and differentiate us, which, although sometimes very validating & helpful for treatment, still are... drawn in sand. And for features that don't even formally exist, it might do us well to remember what a soft, shifting science this is. Cluster B disorders especially are not entirely clear-cut with their differentiation, and meeting multiple criteria for multiple PDs, but not enough for any one in particular, can result in PDNOS. Given a defined middle-ground like that, I think it makes more sense to view psychopathy as a spectrum with imperfect metrics. When it gets down to it, everyone's experiences are individualized, and even those well within the BPD community experience BPD complexes vastly differently.

I think you're totally right to say that it's important to look at rule-out factors of disorders when considering specifically which disorder you might have, and that standard differences in attachment styles are present between disorders, often as defining factors. It also definitely isn't a good idea to decide that just because you experience something, that must make it a trait of whichever disorder you already know you have. We should keep open minds to these things, while also paying attention to patterns shown in the general population of people diagnosed with whatever disorder.

The most important thing will always be to do what works for you to manage your own symptoms. There's no cure or remission in sight for any PD. Same goes for cPTSD or autism or DID or anything else that's hardwired into us via genetics or trauma. All we can do is figure out how to live in a world that is not made for us. That means a lot of intentional learning, skillbuilding, and skillsharing. It means a lot of solidarity. Much more than is easily found. We have to support each other above all else.

so i keep seeing this misinformation going around and genuinely i dont understand why this is so complicated for people and why it keeps getting repeated all cluster b disorders share a core grouping of symptoms because they are all based in trauma. this is why they're considered a cluster, they all have cptsd as their core/base symptoms then, depending on both genetics and individual circumstance, they will branch out into different symptoms as they progress and the difference in those symptoms is how u differentiate between the different disorders

when in therapy and trying to get a diagnosis, it is actually often easier to focus on the symptoms that disorders Dont share and what u Arent experiencing in order to tell which of the 4 u most likely have this means that there are certain unique criteria that are not exhibited by the other disorders for each.

"favorite people" or fp's are a unique criteria to bpd. no other cluster b disorder experiences the very specific kind of disordered insecure attachment that is categorized as an "fp"

that doesnt mean the others don't experience disordered attachments at all, on the contrary, disordered attachments are part of the core cptsd symptoms and thus all cluster b's experience disordered attachments with others. it is the primary issue we all experience, that we struggle to form normal healthy bonds with others

but an fp is a very specific type of disordered attachment. so just like all oranges are fruit, but not all fruit are oranges, all fp's are disordered attachments, but not all disordered attachments are fp's

npd, aspd, and hpd do not experience the *specific type* of disordered attachment that is a favorite person, even though they do experience disordered attachments in general. but if u are trying to talk about npd and hpd having obsessive and insecure/anxious attachments, say that. if ur talking about aspd having avoidant and dismissive attachment styles, say that. those things are not the same as a favorite person

if u are experiencing having a favorite person specifically, and not just disordered attachments more generally, then u have bpd. it is literally that simple. and if u find urself saying "well i do experience having an fp but i have npd so clearly this means this is an npd symptom" i am begging u to understand that that isnt how diagnosis and disorders work. and if reconsidering ur diagnosis after receiving new information or understanding things better sends u into such a spiral that u cant even consider it, then u have a bigger problem happening that u need to address.

[automaticphantomalpaca]

What Is an E-Bike? Here’s Everything You Need to Know

The first thing you should know about e-bikes is that they’re here to stay. Electric bike sales jumped by an incredible 145 percent from 2019 to 2020 alone, according to the market research firm NPD Group. It’s a nearly $244 billion industry as of last year, and there’s no sign of a slowdown.

Some view the rise of e-bikes as a threat, as though standard bikes will go the way of the penny-farthing once everyone goes electric. But fear not: E-bikes aren’t here to rob us of our human-powered way of life. In fact, they may very well enhance it—especially as travel and commuting habits change following the global pandemic and shift of work commuting. So as we roll our way into peak riding season, here’s everything you need to know about the electric revolution.

1. E-bikes make pedaling easier.

Generally speaking, e-bikes are electric bicycles with a battery-powered “assist” that comes via pedaling and, in some cases, a throttle. When you push the pedals on a pedal-assist e-bike, a small motor engages and gives you a boost, so you can zip up hills and cruise over tough terrain without gassing yourself. Called “pedelecs,” they feel just like conventional bikes—but better, says Ed Benjamin, senior managing director at the consulting firm eCycleElectric. “You control your speed with your feet, like with a regular bike,” he says. “You just feel really powerful and accelerate easily.”

In addition to the pedal-assist feature, some e-bikes come with a throttle that engages the motor with the press of a button. These belong to a separate class of e-bike that, obviously, doesn’t offer a pure cycling experience; they’re also illegal in some municipalities. Interestingly, Benjamin says, people who aren’t already “cyclists” tend to gravitate toward throttle bikes at first, but then turn around and choose a pedal-assist for their next purchase.

2. They go pretty fast… to a point.

The harder you pedal, the bigger the boost, the faster you’ll ride—to a point. E-bikes let you hum along at a brisk clip, but they aren’t motorcycles. You’ll never hammer down the road at 45 mph. The motor is governed to stop propelling you further when you hit 20 to 28 miles per hour, depending on the bike. So you’ll save time on your commute (I shave about three minutes off a five-mile trip) but still enjoy the scenery.

You can also control how big of an assist you get. Most e-bikes come with a power switch that lets you adjust the boost setting from “eco” (low) to “turbo” (high), for when you want a little more oomph to help you, say, up a steep hill.

3. You’ll ride a lot more, even if you already ride a lot.

Getting an e-bike can dramatically increase how often you ride, according to a survey of nearly 1,800 e-bike owners in North America. Beforehand, 55 percent of respondents said they rode daily or weekly. After buying an e-bike, that number soared to 91 percent. It makes sense: Even if you’re super fit, you still get tired (likely from training or racing) and remounting your bike can feel like a chore. If you have an e-bike, you can continue riding while giving your knackered legs a bit of a break. You can also go faster, which makes biking for longer trips more attractive, even when you’re pressed for time.

For those who aren’t frequent riders, e-bikes open up a whole new world, like fat tire electric bike. While you may not be conditioned to ride 5-10 miles at a time, you can cover those distances easily with an electric assist, which is a great way to build endurance and confidence. That same survey found that 94 percent of non-cyclists rode daily or weekly after getting an electric city bike.

4. There’s an e-bike for everything.

Name a type of riding, and there’s an e-bike for that. If you have zero interest in an electric road bike, you may find yourself head over heels for a high-capacity e-cargo bike that can haul 400 pounds of stuff while still cruising at a cool 15 mph. E-bikes are available in fat, cargo, commuter, recreational, hardtail, full-suspension electric mountain bike, and even performance road bike styles. For proof, here are a dozen e-bikes we love for every type of cyclist.

5. They can replace driving.

“People are buying electric bicycles as a way to reduce car trips,” Benjamin says. The data backs him up: 28 percent of survey respondents said they bought an e-bike specifically to replace driving a car. And many other reasons buyers listed for wanting an e-bike—including carrying cargo and kids, avoiding parking and traffic, and environmental concerns—also indicate a desire to get out from behind the wheel. Plus, you don’t need to change clothes or clean up when you arrive at your destination, because you don’t have to work up as much of a sweat.

Consider, too, that more than half of all driving trips are shorter than 10 miles, with some surveys reporting that the average single trip amounts to just 5.95 miles. That’s a no-brainer distance to cover by e-bike. In fact, the survey found that owners replaced 46 percent of their car commutes and 30 percent of their driving errands with electric road bike rides. All you need is a great commuter bag to carry your stuff, and you’re set.

6. Yes, you still get exercise.

E-bikes, including electric folding bike, do some of the work for you, but they still count as exercise, especially for people who have otherwise been sedentary. Colorado University researchers found that when 20 non-exercising men and women e-biked about 40 minutes three days a week, they improved their cardiovascular fitness and blood sugar in just one month. “Many people are not fit enough to ride long enough to get meaningful health and fitness benefits from biking,” Benjamin says. “Put them on an electric bike and they can go out and ride for an hour and get a significant amount of exercise.”

Even if you’re in excellent shape and very fit, you still can get exercise by e-biking. When I did a head-to-head comparison of commuting with my cross bike versus a recreational e-bike, I found that my relative effort was much lower, and I burned about half as many calories, on the e-bike. But I still burned something—up to 200 calories per hour, the equivalent of what you burn by walking. And I opted for quick e-bike rides to town where I would usually drive, which means I was considerably more active overall.

7. The batteries are getting better.

There’s no getting around it: E-bikes give you yet another device to charge. Right now, you can expect your battery to last anywhere from 35 to 100 miles before it needs a recharge. Where you fall in that range depends on the size of the battery and how much power the motor draws. Obviously, if you buzz around on “turbo” all day, you’ll run out of juice faster than if you run on lower, more economical settings. But we also expect batteries to improve in the future.

8. Trail access can be tricky.

E-bikes remain a subject of controversy in mountain biking circles, some think it more is electric scooter, or a citycoco, and inside the city, we can also see electric wheelchairs. You may not be able to take one on your favorite singletrack right now, as most non-motorized trails prohibit them. However, things have been tilting in a more permissive direction. IMBA, the sport’s largest public advocacy group, shifted its stance to support allowing access for some pedal-assist e-bikes (those that top out at 20 mph) on some trails. With every major manufacturer making e-mountain bikes, more access is likely only a matter of time. “In a few years, people will realize that electric mountain bikes have no more trail impact than a regular mountain bike,” Benjamin says.