lavenderglassgirl

[lavenderglassgirl]

10.29.23

Not sad today! But pretty annoyed! I hate capitalism, I hate jack, and I’m worried taking this job was a mistake because I am not very fond of emmy right now either. It comes and goes but like damn it feels like our friendship has turned into some weird tedious give and take where neither of us is happy or feels good. Like obviously not most of the time but it’s been creeping in which has really tainted the entire thing. It’s like a few drops of milk in a glass of water ya know. I feel like I’m treated like a child or a sibling but not in a cute fun way.

Anyways the point being I just feel stuck. I know I’m doing the things it takes to change that and be where I want to but I’m having a hard time being uncomfortable and navigating this. It’s a lot and I’m not dealing well. It’s hard to deal. Idk

[lavenderglassgirl]

Cackling, who would have thought I’d come back to blogging on this sad little shit blog.

I am sad. I’m overwhelmed. I am being met with the consequences of my own actions and I’m weeping.

I wish I had an adult. I miss the people my parents never were. I miss stability. I’ve spent more years of my adult life- fucking YEARS- trying to recover financially than I did being okay. When does it stop feeling like the floor is falling underneath me at ever next step.

I wish my support system made me feel better, but they’re just me. They’re just my friends. They don’t know, they haven’t lived enough life to assure me it’s nothing to worry about. They can’t hold my hand through figuring out how to be an adult and handle these fucking hard things. My parents were supposed to do that. But they have other more important things to do, like belittle me or hit me up for money or pretend that buying me nice things makes up for the lack of interest or support they’ve ever shown in anything I’m passionate about, anything that makes me, me.

So here I am crying at my job because I still haven’t been able to afford to get a divorce, because an accident that I’m at fault for because of oregon laws hasn’t been settled, and because god knows what else is waiting for me. I’m being micromanaged and ignored and I am feeling so little, and helpless, and small, and insignificant.

And I guess I’ve grown. I guess I’m a different person. I know I’m trying my best but I’m always afraid it will never be good enough. Maybe it is for Emmy and laine, but if I can’t take care of myself how is that possibly good enough. If I can’t manage to keep it together long enough, HOW is that good enough. If I can’t pay my bills, if I can’t keep the house, if I can’t do my job, I am not myself. I don’t feel like Im good enough or even being me. Who am I if not the person who can keep most of their shit together, who am I but a child who was abused. Like who am I but trauma. Im afraid if everything I do is gone the person that I am is nothing, and especially not enough.

[lavenderglassgirl]

0701 Sun March 21 2021

Here I am again haha- no Jesse this time, a lot less crisis. But this worked really well for me when I was at rock bottom, so lets try this when I’m not actively in the middle of a break down.

So, some background info. I work for a CBD company that rhymes with smazarus fatuals. Supposed to be this amazing company that just really wants to help people, a trend setter in the world to beat and one of the top names. But let me tell you, this place is literally hell to work at and just gets worse every day. They bring you in by paying a livable wage to start, and all these promises about how wonderful the things theyre doing are and how everything is going to change. And to their credit things have changed- for the worse. This company is a walking shit show. Management turn over is ridiculous. They created a new role after telling my supervisor they were going to fire him and when he called them on not having any real reason we got a CS manager. A man who after months still doesnt understand half of the systems we use. That didnt stop him from making major process changes as soon as he came in. But he doesnt consider it his job to communicate, or be held to what he says. He told me an issue would be fixed/was fixed a month in and when i found out it wasn’t a few months later i was told that he was brand new and I should be cutting him some slack? BTW this guy ALSO didnt know what CBN was at our team meeting last week (Let me remind you he works at a CBD COMPANY- we got an email about how it was being isolated). Additionally, we just hired 3 new people, and then they turned around and told us we couldn’t have raises (some who have been here 2+ years still being paid the same as when they started) because they dont actually have a budget. YES. This 6 year old company is just now creating a budget- THEY DONT EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH THEY MAKE. I’m embarrassed to be a part of this. They’re starting reviews now- but they’ve told us the new metrics that theyre using wont be used as part of the review. Well. Unless it’s necessary like they did with my coworker. OH AND THEN they tell us that were going to be taking over some of the wholesale contacts (see: all the contacts that you dont get comission for- less than 600 calls a month, yes we have a wholesale department) but no were not getting a pay raise.

AH- sorry, i desperately needed to vent. I mean not that I haven’t been with my coworkers but it gets old. I just need to dump and process, not get riled up. This company is a scam from the inside. The product is fine, but the people and the way the employees are treated- trash. I’m not leaving, because I know this is going to be my best bet for school present circumstances withstanding. I get paid too well and have too much flexibility with my schedule (kind of ugh) that I wont be able to find anywhere else. I want to go back to school so fucken bad- hoping by fall! But, that’s why I can’t leave. But boy they testing me. They really really REALLY fucken testing me.

But, yeah. I just clocked on and got so angry about this bullshit and this company that I needed to leave for a second already. I’m sure I’ll be back to share more- I have a therapist but I’m in a pretty good place right now so I feel better journaling rather than going in- my last app I ran out of shit to talk about LMAO.

Fuck. Anyways I need to actually go do my job. Gonna chief on that pen hard this am and then probably start working on school stuff agains this afternoon!

[lavenderglassgirl]

909 am sun April 5

Thinking about killing myself again. Except today it’s more real? I feel closer to it.

I genuinely kinda wanna die today, I hope this passes. Nothing feels right. I don’t know who to tell. I don’t know who to lean on. I can’t lean on anyone. Im super not okay. But here we are

[lavenderglassgirl]

1025 am sat 4/4

Thinking about killing myself again.

You know its weird, suicidal ideation. Like, i dont think i would, or will. I dont want to self harm anymore, i know that wont help. But boy, ending it does sound really really nice. And its not like in a “oh I’m so miserable i just want to die whaaaa” kinda way, i dont feel dramatic or full- i just feel tired. I just am looking at all the work I’ve done, and all the work i have to go, and I’m just asking myself why. To be happy? Sure, but for what- to what end? Today it feels pointless. Happiness feels unattainable. I am alone, and today i am lonely. I am not satisfied, and I’m worried i never will be.

What is the point??

WHAT IS THE POINT?

I thought i wanted connection- and yet every single person i connect with isn’t enough- that means its me right? There’s something wrong with me?? But what could that even be- i dont have bipolar lmao. So am i just a bad person?

I dont think that. I dont think i am bad. But i feel like i am not right. I feel like I’m trying to fix me constantly so i will be, and feel, right. But i dont know what right is. I dont have a good example of right, i dont know anyone who does.

So does that mean there’s no right?

If there’s no right, there’s no wrong, and nothing to fix.

And so am i just miserable because?

How do i choose happiness if it never chooses me?

I wish i had something that was mine- besides memories that are tainted with sour moments, a bursting heart and a dizzy mind. What can i do with this? Who can i be?

And does it matter anyways? No one checks on - not really. I mean, have they ever? You’ve spent so long making sure they wouldn’t, why are you mad that their not?

I’d like to disappear, i wish i could run away- really. I wish i could pack up my car and just go, and not come back.

I wish i could escape into books like i used to.

I wish i could feel the highs like i used to.

I’m stuck with these lows and an endless push to hit normal.

I have okay days but to be honest i feel like i havent been really happy in a long long time. There is one exception- my derby bout.

I havent been happy like that in a long time and i dont know i will in a long time.

I miss hiking

And escaping

I miss having friendships- intense deep connections with people. I miss spending my time with people who make me feel human, I miss feeling human. I feel so disconnected with myself, who i am and what i am. How do i feel again? How do i feel real again? Nothing feels right.

Nothing feels right.

I ache today.

[lavenderglassgirl]

442 pm mon march 23

I dont know why i decided to come back into here. I dont use tumblr much. But its my sad place for all my intensely sad emotions because i can type faster than i can write i guess.

I dont miss Jesse. And its something that is kind of bothering me. I accidentally pulled out a couple of notes he had written me. One from Valentine’s Day from last year. And i read it and all i could think about was how, even last year, i didn’t believe what it said. How i wanted so desperately for his actions to reflect those words. But they haven’t.

And I’m just so overwhelmed right now. Work is fine, I’m not feeling like its too much. It’s keeping me busy and distracted. Even at 60 hours a week its actually a welcome distraction.

But figuring out my personal life?

God. Ive got dae who i cannot for the fucking life of me figure out. I dont know what she wants. I dont want to guess. I dont want to exist in some middle ground place in her life. I dont like that she only reaches out and try’s when i give space. I don’t FUNCTION like that in relationships, only in fucking friendships.

Because I’m a needy ass hoe

And I know that.

But I’ve also started talking to and actually met up with Bekah and like i really like her. Her whole fucking vibe. It’s like... She’s just exactly it. She hits every single box. She positive and kind and adventrous and independent and sweet and family oriented and clear with her communication and expectations and doesnt leave me guessing and i just!!! I’m into it. I’m into her. But with all this corona shit?? SHes just overly cautious so i dont get to see her. Which is like fine and i get it but i just... I dont know bout waiting 2-3 months to actually start dating?? But what else am i doing, if I’m not pursing bekah im sure as shit not going to be going after anyone new 🙄 and i just am so tired of trying with dae. Like, i adore her and I’ve made it perfectly clear how i feel and she just doesnt. And I’m not into sitting around waiting for her to maybe be into me. I did that enough with Jesse. I’m sick of it.

I just want to be someone people are proud of. I just want to be someone that is wanted in the same way she wants others. I want my feelings to not be one sided. I want to feel good enough and valued. And Im scared I’m so fucked up that i will never feel that way because I’m incapable.

And i miss my grandma. And i miss my mom and my dad and my brother. And with everyone at home, with their family and everything its just a constant reminder that i am!! Alone. Always alone. And today i feel alone. Alone and lonely and crushed and overwhelmed and tired. And I’m just. I’m ready to not exist for a little while.

[lavenderglassgirl]

817 pm Monday March 2

I have a new job. I broke up with Jesse. I still haven’t heard back from him.

I’m good, I think. I’m anxious but I’m good. I miss my mom. And it’s a weird thing to feel and try to deal with but I just really fucking miss my parents. I just wish they were actual parents. I wish I could just go back. I wish there wasn’t all this gunk.

I’m tired of doing things on my own. But I don’t have a choice.

[lavenderglassgirl]

1033 pm thurs feb 20

This season is harder than I could have fucking anticipated.

I think I’ll be able to pay my rent. Start working on my other bills. I think I need to deal with Jesse. I need to address my shit with my parents. I need to fix all the bullshit.

But tonight I’m tired. And I really want to be dead. I want to slice my skin off and break all my bones. I want to have rusty razor wire wrapped tightly around my body I want to be suspended by hooks and dipped into a vat of acid I want to be boiled alive in a salt bath after having every inch of my skins lacerated I want to ducking suffer before I die.

[lavenderglassgirl]

725 pm thurs feb 20

This is the first day that Jesse and I haven’t spoken to each other once. I’m sure he’s thinking the same thing. Or maybe he’s not. I don’t know if it matters anymore. I don’t think this is going to work. Ugh

[lavenderglassgirl]

1010 pm wed feb 19

How weird is it. That even in the midst of happiness I can still have the voice in the back of my head telling me to end it. Why do I want to be dead right now. How can I just. Stop. Feeling.

[lavenderglassgirl]

145 pm Friday feb 14

UgHhHhH

I am struggling. I got a job but somehow it just fucking feels bad! Like. Don’t ask me what I’m doing because I told you my job options were shit. Fuck all y’all.

I’m turning off my shit and I’m doing derby and my own shit for the next few months. I don’t have time for this. Fuck.

[lavenderglassgirl]

809 am Friday feb 14

Today my depression is lack of motivation. I don’t care. I don’t want to make myself care. I just want to cry. Or stay in bed. I want to pretend I don’t exist.

It’s Valentine’s Day and Jesse wished me one, but I think that might be the only time we talk today. We’ve been talking less and less. I’m so unbelievably misreble.

I’m going to practice tonight which will be nice.

I don’t have any money though so I don’t think I’ll be able to go out after.

There’s my motivation to get up. Get a fucking job.

My heart hurts, and I don’t want to carry myself anymore.

[lavenderglassgirl]

902 pm thurs feb 13

I just don’t know what the fuck is happening. I’m beyond misreble right now

[lavenderglassgirl]

1204 wed feb 12

I’m safe again. But I’m in grind mode. I don’t know what the futures gonna hold, I’m addressing the job situation first, then the jesse situation. And I have therapy tomorrow so I can at least cry it out there. Ugh

[lavenderglassgirl]

1247 pm Tuesday feb 12

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know WHAT TO DO. I don’t fucking know I don’t know I don’t know.

[lavenderglassgirl]

1044 pm Monday feb 10

I just want to feel okay

[lavenderglassgirl]

751 pm Friday feb 7

Sometimes I forget what it feels like to be okay. Like, ugh. Jesses so far from okay, and I’m in no place to even complain. I feel completely.... strained. I don’t know what to do. But he’s coming to me saying that so I can’t tell him I don’t know. That were fucked. That I’m scared. But I am. I’ve been thinking about suicide simply from the view that it would be a quick efficient solution to the current crisis. I go back and forth with Jesse, sometimes I think it would ruin him but then I feel like I’m thinking too highly of myself and that he wouldn’t even care in fact he’d be relieved and just.

I’m so stressed. I just need to pay my rent but I haven’t a clue if that’s going to happen. I know my other bills won’t. I know I’m going to fall behind and it’s gonna be a serious problem. It’s stressing me hard core. I feel like if I’m not actively looking for a job then I’m pretty much failing. I’ve been trying to take breaks or just relax but I’m just anxious. I don’t know what else to do. I’m practically begging my friends for jobs. Lmao I feel like a fucking worthless piece of trash.

And and and!!! Last night I had a dream that I woke up covered in like baseball size welt like hives and they hurt like hell and it was awful! And my fucking mom stalked my linked in like a month ago so now I’m like scared. I’m so scared. I’m so scared I’m so alone and I just. I’m going, I’m doing the things and I’m continuing to apply and try but it’s just!!!!! Feeling really hopeless more and more every day!

I really wish he was here and we could at least go through this together but!!! Not today. Not This time