#just didnt really feel like getting around to it and moved on
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Video Games & Phone Calls
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Warnings: Use of Y/N, Yelling.
Prompt: Evan's playing video games but you want attention.
Notes: Female Reader, italics are actions and thoughts.
-With that said it's all under the cut-
Ever since Eddie moved to Texas Evan and Eddie have been calling constantly and playing video games cause they miss their best friends which is understandable but you want attention too, probably a bit jealous right now but we wont mention that.
You walked through the living room whining and groaning. He didnt notice.
You walked through the house infront of him your panties. He hadnt noticed.
You made him dinner...he didnt even look away from his game, he gave you a automated sort of yes.
"No, they're right there! Be careful Eddie they're on the- ...roof." He laughed a bit as Eddie and him died on the game.
"Hey, Can I play with-" You started asking cause you felt really left out and he wasn't really paying attention to you.
"Yeah, we can definitely play another round. Y/N's probably gonna go to bed soon." Evan had told Eddie through the headset.
You hadnt planned on going to bed? Sleep could wait, You wanted to hang out with him. It's been two weeks of this shit and you could barely get anything from him.
"I'm not going to bed." Again he must not've heard you cause he was laughing at something Eddie said through the headset. You knew even though he had headphones on he could hear you. You knew that cause you've borrowed them to play online with your friends over here before.
"EVAN ANTHONY BUCKLEY!" That mafe his head shoot over to you, he hadn't noticed you were standing right there trying to talk to him. You were pissed and rightfully so, he had been pushing you to the side for weeks. You understood he missed Eddie but fuckin hell!
His face had went white like paper, he had realized you called out to him a few times and his brain automatically tuned you out so ge could talk to Eddie.
"Eddie, I'm gonna let you go." He knew he was in trouble, he knew exactly why for at least tonight's issue. It was clear to you though Evan didnt understand this had been building up for weeks.
"I have been talking to you." You tried not to sound annoyed or hurt because you didnt wanna admit it to yourself. Yelling at Buck never felt good, you never wanted to hurt him or hus feelings. You tried not to feel upset but by the tension in your chest you could tell you were.
"I know, I just- Eddie and I were playing games." Buck tried to explain but the pair of you knew just exactly how that was an understatement.
"You...you knew?" You were pissed and hurt at the same time as soon as you heard he'd basically been ignoring you on purpose.
"I- I didnt mean it." He probably truly didnt but over the past two weeks he had built up a habit of ignoring you cause he was focused on his best friend and what was practically his nephew.
"You didn't mean it?" You asked as tears started pouring down your face.
"I have asked you for attention and I have asked both to play and- You both ignored me. I know he can hear me. So not only does it suck cause my boyfriend's ignoring me but so is someone I considered a friend." You let out a sob. Just needed a bit of validation is all you needed after such a shitty few weeks, tears poured down your cheeks and little sniffles came out as you tried to not make a mess of yourself.
"I- Oh, God...I- I'm so sorry, Baby." Buck's arms wrapped around you as you cried, the sobbing had only gotten worse as he hugged you.
He felt like a complete asshole...of course he missed Eddie but it wasnt an excuse. In missing Eddie and being so worried about him he had been missing the woman right next to him, the one who took care of him and slept next to him.
Evan's arms wrapped around you and he pulled you into his lap as he held you close and rubbed your back. Your sobs slowly came down but the disappointment in himself was at an all time high.
He just kept rubbing your back until he felt you fall asleep. God, he felt so awful. Evan just laid the both of you down onto the couch. He covered the both of you up with the your blanket that you left on the couch.
Evan couldn't sleep, he couldnt understand how in hell he ever could ignore such an amazing woman. He missed Eddie but again the wasn't an excuse and he should've noticed or at least invited you to play with him and Eddie.
"Goddamn it, I'm so sorry....I'm so sorry, Honey." Buck told you even though you were sound asleep. He just held you and promised you and himself silently that he would never do that sorta thing again.
(Send me prompts if you want)
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Yooo I really like that pregnancy ask and I wanted to suggest a what if! Pure angst and drama if you're up to it.
What if the pregnancy didn't go well near the end because S/O's magic is not very high (to begin with! monsters need both parents iirc to have a health about of magic to make a monster.) A couple of days after the baby bone is born, child protective services (the Canadian version of it.) have to take them to their father stating that the mother is in a coma and is unlikely to recover.
((What a way to start the day. Getting a knock on the door only to find a stranger hold a baby that they were so sure it wasn't theirs. AND their s/o is probably going to die because their SOUL magic was sucked up dry to make the baby. Said baby bones looks a bit unhealthy too because they developed without their pappa's magic and is weakly crying.))
((You can decide of s/o recovers or not.))
hhhhhh you guys need to be movie directors or something because the pure plot and drama being thrown at me recently.
S/O recovers because I like that route better having a free reign relationship with your child only to have the possibility of that taken away when your comatosed ex wakes up.
Holy fuck these turned out longer than I expected so I'm just doing 3 if you wanted a different character feel free to request again! Also the holidays are NOT being kind to me so my updates are probably gonna be wack as I deal with the shitshow I call a family hope you guys enjoy and happy holidays!
Undertale:
Sans: Sees the baby bones and kind of zones out as shock runs through his body. Then he hears the word coma and zones back in. "what?" he has them repeat their entire spiel and his soul stops for a second when he hears what happened. He hesitantly accepts the babybones and cradles him to his chest gently.He's not ready for any of this and his world is collapsing around him as he finishes the conversation with CPS. Once they're gone he takes the babybones inside and simply stares at him for a bit as he rocks him back in forth Infront of the door he hasn't moved two steps from. The baby is whining and looking at him is like looking at an exact replica of himself as a babybones. He takes a few deep breaths and chuckles which turn into a full body laugh which turn into sobs as he cradles the baby to his chest. Why didnt he trust you? He still loved you even though he was convinced you had cheated a part of him desperately hoping he was wrong but now that he knows he was it's devastating. He looks for monster food that would be suitable for a babybones hoping to soothe his cry's and get his bones looking healthier. The entire time he's shaking as he rummages through the cabinets. Finds something akin to applesauce and spoonfeeds the little guy. Goes out and picks up a bunch of stuff (good, toys,clothes ect.)when Papyrus gets home. The first night he can't sleep and simply stays awake watching the babybones all night. He vows he's going to be the best dad ever while staring at his baby boys sleeping face a rush of paternal protectiveness rushing over him. He does a good job at taking care of the baby as he has experience since he had to basically raise Papyrus. He visits you once and the guilt destroys him so badly he can't visit you again. It had been a few months when he received a call. Surprise surprise it's you on the other end having just woken up and wanting to see your child immediately. Sans is more than happy to comply and gets to the hospital as soon as he can with the baby who's looking much healthier. Hesitates outside the doorway as he cradles your guys son to his chest. Possibilities and what ifs running through his head as anxiety starts to simmer. When he enters the room you look so relieved and happy to see him which happily surprises him till he realizes you're probably excited to see your baby. He hands the child over and suddenly your crying, the baby's crying, he's crying, all of y'all crying. He apologizes profusely before you can say anything and says he should have believed you how wrong he was and how sorry he is you had to go through everything alone and his grateful he is to see you again. He understands if you don't forgive him but don't expect to be rid of him because he's absolutely sticking around in his son's life.
Edge:Honestly when he sees the child and hears what CPS has to say he thinks he's having a nightmare. He's dreamt of similar situations where your baby actually turned out to be his nothing quiet like this but it's similar enough he's really thinking he's still asleep. Takes the child and thanks the CPS people for their time before going back inside. Trys to soothe the baby's cry's and rocks him gently in his arms. Checks the clock to make sure he has enough time to get to his next appointment in the day and yeah he's got a good bit, wait.... you can't read time in your dreams. He looks back at the clock and gently sets the baby down on the couch as he does the equivalent of pinching himself. Fuck fuck wait he's not dreaming. A flood of cold numbers rushes over him as he remembers what CPS said... He gently scoops the baby back up and shelves his oncoming mental breakdown as he stares down at his son. When Red gets home Edge recruits him as a babysitter (his thought process being he raised me he can watch a baby for an hour or so (red was absolutely stressed tf out))as he runs out to grab supplies and sort himself out. By sort himself out I mean destroying a chunk of a forest with his magic to workout all his anger and devastation. He trys his best to take care of the babybones his brother surprisingly giving good advice every now and then while he figures out how to be a dad. He's extremely gentle with the child and speaks on the most soothing fatherly tone to the little baby. He visits you in the hospitals bi weekly leaving little messages of memorable moments with the baby and some pictures. A few months goes by and one day he receives a call. It's a very frantic you on the other end and he can't help the immense amount of relief he feels as he hears your voice begging him to see your child. He brings the babybones to the hospital and stays quiet as he watches you two cuddling. He doesn't speak up until you thank him for watching the babybones. Tells you there's nothing to thank him for he was doing his job as a father and then it's quiet for a bit more before he hesitantly approaches and bows his head. He apologizes for his actions, for not trusting you, for everything you had to deal with alone. He's not expecting you to forgive him he wouldn't forgive himself but he does want to be apart of the child's life and immediately says so making sure you're aware of his intentions. Most likely to take you to court for custody of you refuse to let him father his child.
Stretch:Was woken up by the knock and answered the door still half asleep. Hears the story, takes the kid, thanks them and closes the door. It takes him like five whole minutes until he's like wait what the fuck. Holds the baby Infront of him by the armpits and looks at his mini lookalike with horror. Holy fucking shit he was wrong? He's a dad?? YOU'RE IN A COMA?? He gets lightheaded for a second and sits down on the couch with the crying baby in his arms. He hesitantly rocks the babybones not really sure what he's doing and immediately calls Blue. He's shaking as he's on the phone with his brother who says he's on the way. When Blue gets there he shows Stretch which foods the baby can eat and how to care for it. Stretch appreciates the help and kind of throws himself into caring for the child instead of thinking about the fact you're in a coma. He's sleeping on a beanbag chair in the nursery and wakes up as soon as the baby starts crying. Every waking moment is spent caring and playing with the babybones. Sometimes late at night he thinks about you and everything he's lost and missed out on but you've given him the best gift he could have ever asked for, a son. He visits you in the hospital occasionally leaving your favorite flower and pictures of the baby he's taken. Surprise surprise a month later when he gets a call and you're alive desperate to see you're baby. He brings the child and is grateful to see you awake when he hands him over. He immediately apologizes he tells you how wonderful his son is and how much he loves him and begs you to let him be apart of the child's life. He understands if you don't want him back as much as he misses you he fucked up he wasn't there and you almost died because he wasn't. He just loves his kid man he will be there for him and you if you let him.
#undertale fandom#undertale fanfiction#sans undertale#underswap#headcanons#sans x reader#underfell papyrus x reader#papyrus#papyrus au#underswap papyrus x reader#underswap papyrus#swap papyrus#swap au#fell papyrus#fell au#sans headcanons#papyrus headcanons#coma#these were fun#i need more angsty asks y'all#good lord my family is driving me NUTS#kinda proud of this one
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HIIIII!!! Can I request aventurine x reader where reader broke down at work but didnt say anything about it, and when they get home aventurine can tell that reader is feeling down? Basically reader just needs to be told that its okay to cry and in the end, aventurine comforts them as they cry in his arms
“It's okay to not be okay”
Summary: After a long, emotionally exhausting day at work, you struggle to hide your feelings of stress and sadness. When you return home, Aventurine immediately notices something is off and gently urges you to open up. Despite your attempts to keep it together, you break down, and Aventurine comforts you, assuring you it's okay to cry and that you don't have to carry your burdens alone.
Tags: Aventurine x Reader, Comfort, Emotional Breakdown, Hurt/Comfort, Vulnerability, Affection, Supportive Aventurine, Tears, Comforting.
Warnings: Mentions of emotional distress, emotional breakdown, light angst.
The day had been long, drawn out, and suffocating. You’d fought to keep the façade up, pretending to be okay as the weight of the world pressed down on you at work. No one knew the toll it was taking, and you certainly didn’t want to burden anyone with your emotions. So, you swallowed everything—every frustration, every bit of self-doubt—and forced a smile, hiding the cracks that were slowly growing wider inside you.
The moment you stepped into your apartment, you let out a shaky breath. The silence was almost unbearable, but it was familiar. You needed it—needed to be alone. But as you closed the door behind you, you couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.
The soft click of your door was followed by the quiet swish of fabric—the unmistakable sound of Aventurine’s presence. You turned, startled, to find him leaning casually against the doorframe, eyes scanning you with that unblinking, almost predatory gaze he wore so well.
"Long day?" His voice was smooth, calm, but there was something in the air that told you he knew something was off. He’d always been observant, reading between the lines with an almost unsettling accuracy. His eyes narrowed slightly as he studied you.
You forced a smile. "Just tired," you murmured, taking a few slow steps forward to set down your things. The walls you’d built up during the day were starting to crumble, but you refused to let him see it. He didn’t need to know that you’d barely been holding it together.
Aventurine didn’t speak right away. Instead, he moved closer, the soft sound of his footsteps echoing in the quiet room. There was a flicker in his eyes, something sharp and calculating, but also... something else. Concern? You weren’t sure, but it sent a chill down your spine.
"You’re lying," he said simply. "And I don't like being lied to."
You winced, the weight of his words landing harder than you expected. "I’m fine, Aventurine. Really. Just a lot on my plate."
He didn’t believe you, of course. But it was the way he approached it—slow, deliberate steps, like he was a predator sizing up his prey—that made you feel vulnerable. And when he reached you, he tilted his head slightly, his earring catching the light as his expression softened, just for a moment.
"You don't have to hide it from me, you know," he said, his voice quieter now, less theatrical and more... genuine? You weren’t sure, but something in his tone made you pause.
"I’m fine," you repeated, your voice unsteady. You didn’t know why, but the words felt so hollow, like they were no longer yours. Your hand clenched around your sleeve, and before you knew it, your breath hitched. You tried to steady yourself, but it was no use.
Aventurine’s eyes flickered with recognition. He was too sharp—he’d seen the signs before. Without another word, he reached out and gently cupped your cheek, his thumb brushing over the delicate skin as he stared into your eyes. His gaze softened, a fleeting vulnerability hidden beneath the layers of his usually confident mask.
"You don't have to be strong all the time," he murmured, his voice unusually tender. "It's okay to break down. It's okay to cry."
The words hit you harder than expected, breaking through the dam you’d so carefully constructed. Before you could stop yourself, tears began to well up in your eyes, spilling down your cheeks. You couldn't hold it back anymore. The exhaustion, the frustration, the overwhelming sense of being trapped—everything poured out in that single moment.
Aventurine didn’t flinch. Instead, he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close against his chest. His body was warm, comforting, and his presence felt like the only thing keeping you grounded in that moment. You could feel his heartbeat steady and calm, and it somehow made you feel safe.
"You’ve been carrying this alone for too long," he whispered, his voice low and soothing as he gently rocked you. "But you don’t have to. Not anymore."
You clung to him, the tears flowing freely now. His hands rubbed soothing circles on your back, and he didn’t rush you, didn’t pressure you to stop crying. He let you fall apart, and in that moment, it felt like he was the only thing that could hold you together.
"You’re not alone," he murmured again, his voice soft but firm. "I’ll always be here. No matter what."
And as you cried in his arms, surrounded by the weight of your own emotions, you felt something shift inside you. The fear, the guilt, the exhaustion—it all started to fade, replaced by a warmth that came from the simple act of being held, of being seen.
You weren’t sure how long you stayed like that, but eventually, the tears subsided. You pulled back slightly, wiping your eyes, embarrassed by the vulnerability you’d just revealed.
Aventurine looked down at you, a gentle smile playing at the corners of his lips. "Better?" he asked softly, his fingers still brushing over your skin.
You nodded, your voice barely a whisper. "Yeah. Thanks... Aventurine."
He nodded, his expression unreadable but somehow comforting. "Anytime," he replied, pulling you back into his embrace. "Anytime."
And for the first time in a long while, you felt like maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.
#x reader#honkai star rail#hsr#honkai star rail x reader#hsr x reader#hsr aventurine#aventurine x reader#hsr aventurine x reader#aventurine x you#comfort#comforting#emotional breakdown#hurt/comfort#vulnerability#affection#supportive#tears
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tbh a phantom hourglass pairing im a little surprised ive never seen considered in any capacity is linebeck x zauz
#come ON.#salty talks#phantom hourglass#linebeck#who cares if they didnt interact you might as well try smth out there#very disappointing that there isnt some fic out there somewhere about zauz bending linebeck over his anvil and fuc-#sorry. sorry#i thought abt doing smth with this nonexistent pairing a while back#just didnt really feel like getting around to it and moved on
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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Applied for a job and applying to community college. It feels weird. It feels like I'm 18 again, even though I'm turning 23 in less than a week. It feels promising though
#so when i was 18 i was supposed to go to college!#i was. i was accepted and everything. i had plans#i was going to go for sign language interpreting. i had hella scholarships#and then. they went bankrupt. spring break before i was supposed to attend#it was unfortunate. i didnt have time to try to attend another college. and asl interpreting isnt a common course#so i moved out of my parents house a few weeks after graduation and just started working#it was great. until i moved to philadelphia#where i lost all of my money and tanked my credit score by being poor#so now im back with my parents#what a horrible cyclical turn of events#and for the longest time ive been trying to get out again. move out. get back to work#i have a job now but it barely pays uh. anything#and i was fighting so hard to escape that i didnt stop to think that i dont have the means to and i would just end up not great again#so i decided to apply for a front desk and marketing position at the same place my older sibling works#an art center. a place that i really fucking love tbh#and a nearby community college has free college for people that were essential workers during the pandemic#i think i would have to live in this state for a year tho so maybe not college right now#but maybe someday. if i get this marketing/front desk position then im sure ill stick around for a bit#idk im having weird conflicting feelings about trying to put down roots here#but i cant leave anytime soon. thats kind of hitting me#i dont have money. or a good credit score. i will not be accepted to an apartment#and even if i am i will not be able to pay rent#so i might as well get a job i like. not just a placeholder#see about going to college. especially if its free#and instead of like. waiting for my life to start. maybe do something with it while i have it#if that makes sense#suicide tw ahead-#i didnt think i was going to make it past age 18. and now im nearly 23#so im living every day with no plans#every day is a lovely little gift that i never expected to have so now its a task to try and figure out what to do with it
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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Sakura gets a second point for being the first to complete the tree climbing at being better at chakra control, but at the same time it just feels like she was made good at it so no extra training segment time would have to be put into her getting good at it and it can be all about Sauce and Nart. Idk that feels too pessimistic but also could totally be true.
#she takes on a very 'obsever' role. like kashi is the teacher watching over them. but sock is the watching and commenting from the same#perspective of nart and sauce and also the viewer unlike kashi. cuz he provides a lot of exposition and whatnot in his inner monolgues#and its like. of course the girl is just the observer who watches alongside us as the two main boys grow and develop#AND I DONT WANNA FUCKIN BE PESSIMISTIC ABOUT THIS BUT GOD ITS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!#but her whole character so far is 'i hate the class clown. im book smart. i diet and im in love'#and the way i see it is. 12yo girl TRYING to fit into the femininity she sees in the world around her so she forces herself to be like this#but she has inner sock who speaks what she really feels showing that she puts on quite a front and isnt really much like that at all#and you expect her to grow into wanting her to truly define herself. and she does with getting stronger and training under tsunade and#learning medical ninjutsu so she really finds a spot for herself. she does!!! but then she KEEPS hanging onto the love nonsense#and admittedly there are moments that push a very obvious trope of thinking she likes sauce cuz hes cool but finding out that the real 'gem'#is nart so i definitely understand where n@rus@kus are coming from#but then she just STICKS with sauce until its the worst ship possible and its an utter mess of 'ill never give up on him'#EVEB DESPITE HIM TRYING TO KILL HER!!! THEN THAT FUCKING WORKS OUT!?!?!?#AND TOO THIS DAY SAUCE STILL NEVER COMES OFF LIKE HE ACTUALLY LOVES HER#IM SORRY BUT ITS TRUE. SARD WE ARE GETTING YOU BETTER PARENTS. ON GOD!!!!!#so she just hangs on to this one little thing that she SHOULD have gotten development for to move on from BUT IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS#so its like half her development never fucking happens and thats why it#s such a fuckinf mess!!!!!#i fucking hate this show. i need to go back to watching mike's dino game vod. what am i doing here?????#i did this to myself btw. i didnt need to start yelling about that but thats just how it is with nart#start thinking about something good and then it reminds you of something related thats bad and now its like. yeah this shit sucks#remember when kishi said he regretted not making hina the heroine???? we could have lived in a better timeline.#but if i say that i will get assassinated#anyway.#sock count#personal
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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It might just be a lot of things. I really don't know. I don't like not having any energy after work but it staves off a lot of our thought processes but at the same time I don't love it. It's tolerable but I want to be doing something else. I wanna be in the dirt and I want to feel the earth under my feet and I want to know she's listening to me and telling me it's ok and I want to take care of her like she's taken care of me. I want to plant trees and cut back weeds and learn to identify our native plants and I just can't do any of that and make a living. It's not even a volunteer opportunity for me. I'm just some random citizen who didn't even go to school for any of it. And I'm so lonely. I'm the loneliest I've been. I love all my friends online I do. Truly and wholly but it doesn't help the fact that I have no one around me irl. And it hurts. And I'm scared. And I am so small all the time. And I just want it to change.
#elias.zip#i think. that dreamis affecting me a little more than I thought it did. it really exemplified that I feel like everyone sees me as not tryin#g to make connections in my adult life but im in a dead town with an aging population i didnt grow up in or around. i can't find public even#ts that would get me around people my age. I can't drive still to go places anyways and I struggle so fucking with the entire process anyway#s that even with the stars aligned I fuck myself over anyways. I'm too weird. too quiet. too loud. not assertive. weird. weird. weird. werid#. just some fucking crybaby.#everyone's moved on from being anxious but not me. I can't do it. i try and try and try and try and push myself out of my comfort zone but n#obody wants new friends. and my interests are too niche. and i dont fit in and nobody wants to be friends with the baby because all he does#is cry and god I've felt worse moving here than i ever did back at the old house and it feels like I'm never going to get to see what cou#ldve been I'm stuck like this!!#sometimes i really wish i could just leave. leave it all. vanlife or backpack or something and learn why i was made to live as a human. i ju#st want to go back home. I wanna see my packmates again. I'll do better this time. Please. I'm sorry
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#its really weird you know#like ive kinda distanced myself from a lot of interactions#but when i do talk to people#and just to see how removed they are from politics etc#im not wording this very well but examples are just#me casually tutting when labour are mentioned#to be asked if i dont like them#and im like yeah i hate them. especially kier starmer.#and theyre like nodding along. but then to be diplomatic (this person was english) i say that i do like certain labour mps though like zarah#sultana etc#and the blank look i got. like idk. im probably just very online but this is someone whos educated and has a good job. so i just kinda#assumed theyd be a bit mroe aware of whats going on?#and then another person#i mentioned how theres books for kids about palestines history#i didnt mention anything else#and just... kinda silence. like a head nod and then convo moved on#and again i could just be over analysing but it almost felt like they didnt wanna talk about it because they didnt know/care?#which maybe. but i just kinda feel like at this fucking point. how can you not know.#i dont get how people are just so unaware of whats going on in the world around them. especially when its things that do indirectly affect#them. when it comes to people being incriminately harmed and murdered#like i dont think these people are against palestine or big labour fans etc etc either#but its just the blissful ignorance#idk maybe im just jealous tbh. because this shit haunts my every waking moment. the thought that theres so many bigoted and ignorant people#around the world scares me. and i never want to be one of them#this is such a jumbled ramble#but alas#le text post
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Suddenly realizing I've had seizures before :0 but this was just the first one where someone who knew what it was was there to witness it (my girlfriend)
That's so cool and definitely not terrifying /s
#for context i dont spasm uncontrollably like people imagine seizures#i think from the outside it probably just looks like im having a bunch of tics and staring intently and being unresponsive#but then afterwards i end up being really confused and disoriented and forgetful#so its been very easy to forget about the seizures i had in the past because i didnt remember them#until just recently when i was like 'huh that felt familiar-'#from my perspective though its like uh idk its really weird#its a bit different every time but just in general#i tend to be unresponsive even if i can tell whats happening around me#i cant talk or control what my body is doing but i know what part is moving (usually jerkinv my head or arms)#my muscles feel either really rigid or really lax#and then my vision gets so weird#everything is sparkly like colorful static and the edges of my vision gets really dark#and there's intermittent flashes of lights or floating shadows#it feels like im extremely focused and very spaced out at the same time#i keep describing it like my brain is smashing all the buttons at once cause thats what it feels like#its also kinda similar to the feeling of being electrocuted? but i dont think many of you will know what that feels like#hopefully you wont at least#i just happen to#its like a weird buzzing just under your skin that doesnt exactly hurt but doesnt exactly not hurt either#it would be like the pain of a constantly tightened muscle- not painful at first but like strenuous to endure ?#and thdn painful if it stays like that or gets worse#i feel like im not allowed to say i had a seizure because i cant go to doctors about it so i cant get diagnosed >_<#but the thing is not bei g diagnosed isnt gonna stop me from having them#yay denial /j#im hoping theyre just dissociative seizures because god i cannot deal with epilepsy on top of everything else rn#and also because i cant see doctors right now sooo#god im exhausted and scared but i feel like those words dont even measure up to how im doing right now#i dont know. im just enduring#thats all i can really do i think#but i hope i dont have to much longer...
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sweaty .. talking about my day so far
#hot today + walking up and down the stairs to my uni and out of the estacionamiento#i had to check i didnt have to move my car bc I ! parked somewhere that isnt a formal parking spot#esta en una salida y estoy detras de 2 carros#was afraid the middle car wouldn't be able to leave but i asked and they said it was okay#additionally feel special because i got the. non parking spot parking spot#i feel like im inside a cool club#entiendo que los guardias me reconocieron pq like#or maybe they just saw me going around and around and decided to help#but i prefer to think they recognized me#all the employees ive interacted to have been nice#Ahhhh pero estoy un poquito preocupada pq ya#well i made my bed and now i have to sit in it (homework stuff) but this little guy cant help but be anxious#if being anxious was a sport id be . really good#even though if i get no points for it its not the end of the world buttt augh#but whatever#a dibujar a Ryoma sufriendo yay! tengo una idea en particular que no me sale pero lo seguiré intentando#ay y también estoy haciendo otro dibujito estilo pitterpatterpop pero esta vez sera con rohan#ryohan momence....#its an edit but the picture is so low quality i basically have to trace and redraw everything so it doesn't look weird#es tan tedioso doe.... este en particular es aun peor porque tiene la motorita.. los pequeños detalles me frustran
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#damien.txt#so listen. i've been kind of fucking depressed for the past 3 months ish#and im going to tell a story related to that in the tags so. if u continue to read. judgement free zone for me pls okay?#cool cool so im like. Really bad abt taking care of my self & my surroundings when im depressed#esp bc like. im in school & work so. literally ALL of my energy goes to those two things#and i will go. weeks upon weeks not cleaning my room#not throwing out trash. which i am AWARE is gross. but truly i would get home and pass tf out and then wake up and#start the day again. like i just truly was not engaging it in any way#anyways. so there's this library book that's been sitting on my nightstand for around a month ish#and ive also been using it as a place for other nightstand things- putting cups on. glasses at night. etc.#well. so i get an email that this book is due back tomorrow. so im like 'oh i should put this book in my backpack'#and i lift it up..... and fuck. there is literally spotty mold ALL. OVER. the back of this fucking book#i guess one of the cups i left on the night stand leaked liquid onto my nightstand and then it soaked into the book or something#and the book didnt move for a Month so like. it's had forever to just sit there and mold over.#and fuck. fuck! i was having such a good night before this too.#now im like.... what the fuck do i even do#i probably just need to go turn it in & pay the fucking expensive fee but like. fuck me. i wanna cry#it always feels like one thing on top of another. like things just are constantly going wrong in my life#and like i Know this is not. the biggest deal in the world. but it just feels like such a dumb fucking thing to happen idk.#anyways. gonna cry abt that and. i guess figure out what im doing with it tomorrow /:
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its time for yet another brain game of am i like fully neurotic or was this genuinely not a cool situation . prize is jack shite and yet im playing anyways👍
#j.txt#vent#just like. to preface. im not bringing any of this up im just going to stew in it for the night and then move on as per usual#alright disclaimer made now i can get to the point. So. tonight is my close irl friends bday right but she didnt tell me about any plans#so i naturally assumed she was gonna do her own thing and not really celebrate. Ive had work all day and while working get a text frm her#asking if we want to go to this restaurant i introduced our group to for dinner. so i respond saying oh im off at this time if yall want to#go even tho its late i can. Never get a response so i assume theyll bring it up when i get back. get home and no ones here not a word abt#whats going on. i do my usual unwinding get ready to chill etc which takes abt half an hour. she comes back with our other mutual friends#and theyve already gone to the restaurant which is fine i get it. but they get back and say oh now we're going to this themed music night at#a club we've all been to before as soon as (other friend) changes. and then just. dont offer for me to come along or anything and leave.#which like. whatever its happened a hundred times before im used to it but Still. does it not even occur that I might want to participate??#if i had Any notice that this was happening I could have been getting ready instead of slacking around waiting for someone to get home#its so. i try extrememly hard not to be a downer or just invite myself to things bc I Know this is how they all operate but it does still#sting that it feels like im not even thought of if i dont happen to be in the room when plans are being made lol.#and obv I am Not bringing this up rn and ruining what im sure was a really fun night for all of them#its just truly a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation yknow. but such are the whims of fate and i shall endure as always✌️
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not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again
#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets#the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever#i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone#and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all#i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option#idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow#job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc#i just feel like ive hit a dead end#like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis#bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore#idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty#sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad#i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl#and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living#but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved#and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable#ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that#and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore#but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much#anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise
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