#just depression things

[gyudoll555]

Same babe same

[lanaknowsitried0]

my life

[quinnyundertow]

Today is one of those days where I feel overwhelmed and helpless. Like waves keep hitting me and I don’t have a chance to just stand up. I can see the shoreline but I’m being swept further out by the undertow. Today is a tread water and survive kinda day.

[bellypovs2]

sorry I haven't been teasing lately, i'm so tired boss. feels like i can only do the bare minimum lately, even writing tags is a drag 🥱😔

[themusingsofacurlyhairednerd]

crawls my way out of a depressive spiral like a zombie crawling out of a grave

[vegasthehedgehog]

The face that Tee is making here, looks like how I feel at 1am when I suddenly can’t ignore that big ole’ hole in my chest. Sad boy hours, ya know?

[magpie-to-the-morning]

One of the weirdest parts of depression, at least for me, is the narrow range of desire it leads to. I have a day off and I keep trying to ask myself what I want to do, and the answer is… nothing, particularly. Maybe go out and get a coffee? Maybe walk around a bookstore? But also, meh.

[ironicfury]

"Has your depression ever been so bad it bitch slapped you awake in the middle of the night, or is that just me?"

Donna Beneviento, probably

[f0linasahl0]

next semester is dangerously relatable and that's not a good thing 💔

[heyyshonaa]

when the urge to get your shit together dies and you are left feeling like a little shit again <<<<<

[gyudoll555]

My fav movie 🎀

[vinecovered-mech]

when someone asks me how im doing I just start coughing up blood that on further inspection is just mother mother and will woods entire discography

[lanaknowsitried0]

I’m glad I didn’t read this book when I was sleeping all the time and on pills bc…. 🥲Or maybe it would’ve been comforting to me idk lol sorry for the rant <33

[knowledgecat247]

For some reason this morning was so good and then the rest of my day was just shit

I mean honestly I spent most of my morning reading smut (One Serving Choice (if I remember the name right)), and then I obviously felt bad for spending so much time reading it (and sadly enjoying it too in my usual way)

But for some reason I've felt an emptiness for the rest of the day, it's not something I'm used to. Just emptiness.

For pretty much the whole day that smut has infested my brain.

Not in the sense of like I'm a Zombie with an insatiable hunger for more!

I genuinely don't know why.

I think it has to do with the "fun" thought I had this morning which I did in fact cry over (I don't cry a lot):

I want that kind of love

The kind of love those lesbians have in those feederism comics. I want to be told I'm beautiful and pretty and believe it. I want to feel someone touch my supposedly beautiful body. I want to feel that love.

But I never will. I never will because I'm not open to love, love isn't easy. I don't like kissing and I don't like hugging and yet for some stupid reason, I love the idea of rubbing my bloated belly (In this scenario it is) and just telling me I'm beautiful.

I'm beautiful because this is me.

I think that's my problem...

I'm at that point where it's no longer an identity crisis, it's an identity "what do I do now?" The obvious step is to medically transition and stuff, but that's hard. Hard for multiple reasons. First off, my family will most likely not support me. Second off, I'm currently living with my Mom, and I feel it'd be impossible to dabble in femininity without being confronted. Third, I haven't had a like check up in a long time (The doctors in my area suck ass, but that's all the insurance can get). The list goes on.

Anyways, side tangent aside

I think my main problem is that I think I want to be called beautiful for being me. For being who I am. And until I get to becoming me I don't think I'll consider myself beautiful....

Being born a woman would have been so nice, so nice

[loxosceleslolo]

currently arguing with depression brain about deleting my entire ao3 account and crawling back under a rock for all eternity

[borderline-bullshit]

Having transphobic family is so silly because it’s like “Omg they’re trying!!” when they do the bare minimum like NOT deadname you once and the next day they’re right back to it and then it’s like “I will never fully gain their support or acceptance, I will constantly be following the breadcrumb trail that is their love because they love the idea or the memory of me more than they love the actual me”