borderline-bullshit

[borderline-bullshit]

My brain has been so weird lately,, so we both got the job, my bf and I, and I’m super happy for that! He’s doing great, I think I’m doing good, but my dumb brain has been giving me issues,,,, it’s like I’m jealous of him, because he’s progressing faster?? Like I know everyone goes at different paces, I’m very happy for him and his progress, I love him so freaking much, but also there’s a thought in my brain constantly saying things like “He can do it but you can’t, what’s wrong with you” or “It’s because he’s more capable then you are”, I know none of it is true but it won’t stop. It’s gotten to the point of where it’s hard for me to express my happiness towards his progress because whenever I try to, my brain exaggerates my “lack of progress” and it makes me sad. I don’t wanna do that to him, he’s working very hard and doing great, I wanna be happy and supportive of him, not jealous and sad. I feel so horrible for feeling this way, because he’s so loving and supportive of me.

I know this is because of my low self esteem and self doubt and inferiority complex, and I’m trying very hard everyday to remind myself that I need to work through this and I can’t just “let it go”. I love him so much. I can’t wait for our future, I can’t wait to watch him grow and learn and progress, and yet my brain is so sour. I wanna fix it, but it takes lots of work. I’m willing to do said work but it’s so tiring, I just wanna be happy for him and secure in my progress.

I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t wanna tell him I feel this way because I shouldn’t feel this way, he’s my amazing partner who I love and want a future with. Yet I do. It’s not his fault at all, but he’s still facing the backlash of it. I feel so icky and toxic for all of this, I don’t want to be a bad partner and I want to be there for him to celebrate as he progresses. We’re a team now, his successes are our successes and my successes are our successes, we’re a unit. We can’t be a team if part of that team is judging itself and not working with the other part of the team. I’m so insecure that I don’t know how to fix it, despite all the work in therapy and whatnot that I’ve been trying to do. It honestly makes me want to scream and cry and puke because he deserves so much better than I’m giving him

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Having transphobic family is so silly because it’s like “Omg they’re trying!!” when they do the bare minimum like NOT deadname you once and the next day they’re right back to it and then it’s like “I will never fully gain their support or acceptance, I will constantly be following the breadcrumb trail that is their love because they love the idea or the memory of me more than they love the actual me”

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Also being someone with CPTSD is so silly lol,, like what do you mean I’m reading examples of children throwing tantrums to get what they want and it’s giving me flashbacks to being told to “stop throwing a tantrum” while having an absolute fucking meltdown?? What do you mean I’m now getting flashbacks of being dragged by my hair and flung into a glass door at 10 years old because I threw a “tantrum” because I didn’t want to clean the dogs poop and throw up in her cage because the smell was making me sick and my drunk mother didn’t like that??? That’s so silly haha

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Training for the new job is really tedious but has been going fine,,,,, soooo many notes :,,) there’s also 33 hours of videos total for me to get through,,,,, ug. At least I got a job and I have a chance, so I can’t pass it up

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I want to dissociate so badly. Fuck please just shove me to the back of my brain, make me go away even if just for a few minutes. Why can’t I make it stop, please that’s all I want. My head hurts. I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so tired of the constant policing and forcing myself to be happy when I genuinely feel like my heart is scraping on the most raggedy ass cement I’ve ever seen.

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Lol today is soooo great. Just awesome. I’m trying so fucking hard to be happy but I just can’t, and that apparently means I’m dragging everyone else down with me. Why can’t I just cut my fucking tongue out? Why can’t I be freed of the fucking curse that is me being stupid and saying the wrong things and caring about unimportant things? I genuinely want it to stop. Just everything. Why am I me? Why do I have to exist like this? Why can’t anyone listen to me? I was just coming to terms with my neurodivergence and who I am, I was just finally starting to be happy with myself. It’s like it never lasts, does it? Why did I think it was going to?

The only foolish idiot here is me. I did this to myself. I wish I could fix it but I can’t. Everything about me is awful. I don’t want to torture my partner with my emotions and my very existence. I don’t want to push my family that I love away. I don’t want to. I hate this so much

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I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get my autism diagnosis. I’m just so tired. It feels like I’m never listened to. My years of research and experiences all mean nothing. I mean nothing. It all means nothing. None of it matters. I feel so stupid for only realizing that today. My own fucking partner told me I need to be in “reality” because “it’s not gonna happen”. I get it. I know what he meant, but am I not allowed to feel this is important to me? Does how I feel and what I think and know matter at all?? It’s like it just doesn’t. That is why I feel like I’ve lost all hope

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I’m so fucking.. idk. I’m feeling a lot of things, all very strongly. I’m upset, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m frustrated, I’m disappointed, I’m stupid. That was the first interview I’d gotten in a while and I was so confident with it. I was ready. How did I get the date wrong? How did I not know it was yesterday? What the fuck is wrong with me?

That was my chance to get a job, a meaningful one that I might’ve enjoyed at that. She agreed to reschedule my interview but I still fucked up majorly. My chances of getting this job are so much lower now. I’m so fucking mad at myself, how did I fuck up this bad??

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Ugh,,, played DDLC again recently and oops I reminded myself that I heavily relate to Sayori. On the bright side, it’s convinced me to start writing poetry again. Maybe I’ll post some?? Idk, if I can make one worth posting

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Heh,,, I’m back. I still don’t quite understand why I deleted my old account. I guess I felt bad? Depression got really bad, and I started to feel horrible for having my account again and,,, idk. But I made a new account after taking some space, and I guess I’m ready to start over again. Guess I gotta make the intro post again lmao,,, anyways yeah. If you followed me before and manage to find this, welcome back, if you’re new then welcome to my account. Enjoy your stay!