#just binge watched the whole series in the past few days

[crazynerdandproud]

River and Louisa's friendship is actually so important to me

[andkisses]

♡ a good way | beomgyu ♡

despite the director casting you and beomgyu, your best friend, as the romantic leads, you both promise it won’t change anything between you

♡ beomgyu x gn!reader | wc. 9.1k ♡ genres/tropes: college!au, friends-to-loves, theater!au, hurt/comfort ♡ mentions of/warnings: injuries, lmk if there's anything else ♡ a/n: this is a rewrite of a fic i wrote and posted YEARS ago; unfortunately it was eaten up when i accidentally deleted my blog :’) it was originally for joshua from svt; i changed some of the times in the fic from the original, so if it’s a little wonky that’s why :’) pls enjoy ! <3 at the time it was my longest fic, now only second to roman holiday ^^ a/n 2: apologies for my absences ! i had some health issues even tho it was supposed to be my break :') im doing well now ^^

♡ masterlist ♡

It was strange. Weird. Practically unfathomable and there must be some kind of mistake. The play had those two characters as romantic leads. The ones who slowly turn to look at each other, catch the starry glint in the other’s eye before slowly leaning in, before slowly closing their eyes, before slowly feeling their heartbeat accelerate because oh heavens this is it—before slowly kissing each other for the first time with such tender passion some members of the audience start to cry.

Those roles were not ever meant for the ones who have been friends since seventh grade, where one of them accidentally tripped and tossed their lunch all over the other, rendering the former an apologetic mess and the latter slightly smelling of garlic for the rest of the day. Not for the ones who stayed up far too late binge watching whole seasons of anime because they finally turned in that big project and it’s in fate’s hands now. Definitely not friends who are each other’s best friends, always. Never them.

But when the director swings back to the two of you, the mischievous and excited glint in his eye is unmistakable. His giddiness even bubbles over and he repeats himself, happily gazing between you and the best friend of 8 years standing beside you. “Beomgyu, Y/N, you will be the best two leads this stage has ever seen.”

You don’t want to talk about it. You avoid it for as long as possible. Have every conversation about everything else possible except the one topic that actually needs discussion. The trees outside are slowly losing their crunchy leaves, littering the ground with crimson and gold and sprigs of chocolate in between. They rustle and fuss when walked over, and shuffle down the street in a hoard of warning, proclaiming threats of the bitter winds of winter that would soon approach and engulf everyone whole.

Some mornings, you can see remnants of late-night frost on window panes, icy designs laced over the glass in the early morning hours. The grass glistens and shimmers with frozen dew, and the sidewalk is slippery enough to encourage walking slowly or bypassing concrete altogether and walking through the dead leaves. Some nights, you can see your breath curl as you wait outside the diner, a translucent white beast disappearing into the night. As night draws darker earlier, the air grows colder, like a mysterious ghost. One moment, you’re warm—the next, a bitter chill sprints around you, immersing everything in a coldness that drills past your layers and settles into your bones.

But you’d wait a thousand years in the cold just to walk him home. You’d wait forever if it meant seeing him one last time before the day ended and blurred into the next through a series of dreams and quiet darkness.

Beomgyu is one of the last few people out of the diner; he never closes, but he stays as long as he can, helping out and cleaning before his boss gets angry and tells him to “go home! Don’t you have homework?” When he steps out onto the street, making sure to close the door behind him, he’s safely bundled up in a black pea coat and a plaid woolen scarf that, when wound up, nearly encompasses his neck, chin, and even the bottom tips of his ears. When he sees you waiting for him again, he smiles, eyes lighting up like firecrackers and his grin is so warm it starts to defrost your bones, slowly but surely.

“You know you don’t have to wait for me?” he says, falling in step with you as the two of you began the chilled trek back to your apartment.

“Yeah,” you shrug, “but then who will make sure you don’t get lost on your way back? Or, I don’t know, get eaten by a star-monster?”

“A star-monster?” He quirks his head towards you, raising his eyebrow in mild but amused confusion.

You nod your head. “What if the stars gang up on you and snatch you right off the face of the earth and you disappear into the sky? And no one knows or can save you because I wasn’t there? Hm?”

A bitter chuckle escapes his lips. The white curl of his breath fills the air in front of him before it fades, taking the bright look in his eyes with it. “Then I guess I wouldn’t have to be a part of the musical, would I?”

Silence washes over you like a breaking wave—it hurts and stings, knocking everything away and tossing the tiny ships around into chaos. The only sound now is the brush of the wind skirting the leaves down the street with you and the distant city noise. The heels of your shoes hit the pavement in time together, and your breaths slowly start to match up. But something’s off; you feel it in your heart and your bones begin to ache again as the cold ice returns once more, spreading their chilled fingers across them.

Somehow, you find your voice, but it’s quiet and small. “It couldn’t be that bad, could it?”

Beomgyu shrugs, looking anywhere but you. He throws his head back and stares up at the night sky, where the stars kindly twinkle back at him, almost as a promise of we’d never steal you away. You look up, too, but all you see is a menacing darkness that you’re not sure you can get rid of. It feels like it’s bearing down on you, pressing down on your head, your shoulders, and your heart. With it comes a dark doubt, one that oozes into the cracks of your armor and makes you start to question things. It beckons out the dangerous thoughts—the what ifs—and coaxes them into the light and forces you to acknowledge them. What if... this changes things. What if... it ruins things. What if...

“Y/N?”

Your gaze drops back down. Beomgyu stands a few yards ahead of you, in the light of one of the yellow streetlamps. You must have stopped while lost in thought, slowing down until you ended up stuck in between two lamps, in the shadowy part. “Hm?”

He shakes his head. “You just stopped walking.” He turns toward you completely and quickens his pace until he’s beside you again. The look on his face screams of concern, of wondering if his best friend is fine or if it’s something he can’t fix. He reaches out to take your hand in his. “Is everything okay?”

Your heart swells, but it still feels as if it will break, shatter, crumble at any time or place. It feels like porcelain, that if it isn’t handled with care and marked FRAGILE, it will ruin to the point that nothing can fix it. You know what question you have to ask; it’s weighing down on your tongue and you’ll have to force it out.

You gulp, and you can feel your hand shaking in his. Beomgyu’s eyebrows knit together, his starry eyes trying to search for what’s wrong. For what is in need of helping. You stare back at him, garnering the courage to ask the question that’s been plaguing you since roles had been assigned. “The show–it won’t change anything between us, will it?”

And then, he does something unthinkable.

He laughs.

Beomgyu lets go of your hand and bends over in half, practically cackling at the idea, whisker dimples on full display. When he stands back up again, he’s still laughing hard enough he crinkles into your frame, resting a hand on your shoulder and burying his head into your neck, an arm resting across his stomach. His body shakes with laughter, and it’s infectious. A grin slowly spreads across your face, and then a giggle works its way out until the two of you are both laughing like fools. You may be between two lampposts in the shadows, but there’s light where you are.

When the laughter finally subsides to gentle smiles, Beomgyu takes your hand again and tugs you close. He starts walking again, pulling you along, swinging your arms between the two of you. He knocks into your shoulder jokingly, and the both of you smile harder.  “Of course not,” Beomgyu says. His smile is pure, assuring. The hand in yours is warm, stable. “Nothing will ever change us.”

Seventh Grade.

The auditorium was full of anxious students, the buzz of noise telling the story of those who were waiting for their turn to shine on stage. The lights were turned on as bright as they would be for a performance, and the stage was decorated with real props from last semester’s performance, a steampunk rendition of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. No one thought the director could pull it off, but when the curtains closed for the last time that first showing, everyone was left starstruck and a new round of students was inspired to try out for the next performance.

A loud clap from the director thundered through the auditorium, signaling for attention and shocking you into your seat a little further. The red fabric bristled against whatever skin your sweater didn’t cover. Outside, the harsh winter weather pummeled the barren landscape, the dead, empty tree branches getting whipped by the bitter, unforgiving wind. The light dusting of snow made everything brighter, almost to the point it hurt to look out the windows at the white world. Inside, however, was full of warm tones and warm breaths. The heat of the auditorium practically had you sweltering, making you wish you had worn layers instead of a bright green sweater. The threads around the collar began to itch at your neck, and you tugged at the hem in search of relief. You really wanted to be here. You really wanted to audition. But the number of people and how long you’ve waited has started to play mind games with you. What if they don’t get to you today? What if they skip over you entirely for someone else? Someone with more theater experience from prior years than you, a complete newbie? What if—

“Hey, uh, is this seat taken?”

You looked up, still fiddling with your itchy collar. It was the boy from the day before—Beomgyu. The one who had accidentally tripped over someone else’s backpack and thrown his lunch all over you. He looked like a complete wreck, one hand holding onto the wrist of the other arm, his dark brown hair falling into his eyes as he struggled to even look in your direction. You shelf your own nerves and offer up a kind smile and pat the seat, which he hastily filled.

It’s quiet between the two of you for a while afterward. On stage, more students rotated through songs and performances, some spectacular and others a little lackluster. It was beginning to become monotonous, and your mind started to wonder if you had gotten here earlier, would you have already auditioned by now? But then something happened. A student walked on stage, introduced themselves politely, and then began to blow everyone and every other performance out of the water. The way they moved, spoke, sang—everything they did was captivating and you felt yourself leaning forward in your seat, drawing ever nearer to the practically perfect audition. There was no music playing in the background, but their vocals and stage presence was more than enough. The entire auditorium erupted in applause when the student on stage finished.

“Wow,” you breathed out. You’d practically fallen out of the chair—feet standing on tiptoes, elbows on knees, chin rested in your cupped hands with a shimmer in your eyes. That. You wanted to be like that. Bewitching, enchanting, and utterly spellbinding.

“I know right?” the boy whispered beside you. The two of you turned to look at each other, and somehow, in the back of your mind, you registered he was sitting the same way you were, looking completely and utterly enraptured with the previous performance. He stared into your eyes—the first time, you noted—and you could see the stars, like a secret milky way full of wonder. There was a serious note in them. “Let’s both do our best so when we grow up, we can be that good.”

“No.” You shook your head, and Beomgyu’s face collapsed into confusion. You shook your head again, this time with a mischievous grin spreading across your lips. “No, when we grow up, we’ll be way better.”

A murmur ripples around campus. Sophomore year of college, and all of high school behind you. You’d think you would be used to it by now, the way quiet words spread around so sneakily but somehow always managed to make their way to your ears, too. But when the girls in the bathroom see you and slyly turn away, whispering how you and Beomgyu have the romantic leads, how of course they do, you can’t help but feel the knot in your stomach form and twist your insides until you feel pressure on your heart as well. Until it feels like you’re about to burst and spill everywhere. You want to spin at them, throw your hands out, and tell them how it’s not like that! That there’s nothing between the two of you except for friendship, the purest of kinds! Stop thinking that way!

But the wiser part of you, the one that’s been through high school, knows that they would just nod their head and try to hide their smirk. You can’t change their minds; they’ll always be thinking and imagining what they want.

Outside, the halls teem with people trying to get to their next class or break. You debate on stopping by your locker near the theater—you won’t need your books again until you go home thanks to rehearsal, but it would be out of your way to get there, on the opposite side of the arts block. But your books are heavy. Really heavy. Like shoulder-breaking, premature back pain-inducing heavy. You find that your feet have started to take you through the crowds to your locker before your mind decides on the plan itself.

In middle school, your and Beomgyu’s lockers were practically as far as they could be from one another. Yours by the gymnasium and near the arts building and the theater. With your mismatched class schedules, you only got to see each other at lunch and for theater. As your friendship grew, he would let you borrow locker space. It got to the point where you basically co-owned each other’s lockers; everything for classes on his side of the building was in his locker and everything for classes on your side was in yours.

By the time high school rolled around two grades later, the two of you were inseparable. As were your lockers. His at one end of the hall, yours at the other end on the opposite side. This only caused trouble junior year, when the two of you had such a bad falling out you could hardly bare to walk past one another’s locker let alone the other person. You would end up taking roundabout ways to your own locker, which worked until you ended up running into him one day without warning.

But you don’t have that problem now. As you walk past Beomgyu, who’s standing by his locker talking to another theater kid, you lightly slug his shoulder. You turn to walk backward and catch his reaction, and he’s staring back at you with fake confusion and his arms thrown up in the air. “You’ll pay for that!” he calls after you.

“Yeah, yeah, sure I will!”

You reach your locker, a happy smile on your face, glad your best friend is the kind of person you can beat up on. You spin the lock with precision, ready to open the door, slam your books inside on the shelf, and hurry to the theater for rehearsals. You can’t wait to see what strange exercises the director would have up his sleeve today; last time, he had everyone stand on the steps in the audience and each time they recited a line correctly, they got to move up two steps. First to the top wins; you and Beomgyu tied for first.

When you pull out the lock and swing the door open, what you see ruins your mood instantly. The crisp, white, inch-thick script stares back at you with quiet remorse. Remember me? it seems to say. Don’t forget about me. You’re almost afraid to touch it, knowing exactly what it holds in its pages even without having read a single line. If your fingers were to graze it, it’s as if an electric shock would shoot out and stop your heart from ever beating again. A tiny part of you wonders if, if your heart really did stop beating, would Beomgyu come to your side and rescue you?

Or would it be like the other night, with a sharp, bitter laugh and a mild happiness over a forgotten kiss.

You’re jostled out of your stupor by a neat punch to your arm, and you fall back into your locker with a metallic clang. When your vision focuses back on the real world, you see Beomgyu walking away from you towards the theater with a confident smirk on his face. He throws out his hands, his smile growing even wider. “I told you, you’d pay for that!”

You’re smiling too, now, and you hurry and grab the script and race after him.

It will all be okay. The two of you had already talked about it, how nothing could change between you two. Regardless of what the girls in the bathroom would dare to say in front of you. Regardless of what anyone else on campus or your major are thinking. Regardless of the script that burns slightly in your grasp, the crisp paper threatening to cut tiny slices into your delicate skin. You and Beomgyu—inseparable best friends for the rest of time.

It would always be that way. No play, no roles, no romantic leads, would get in the way of that. You’d promised each other you’d be each other’s best friend, always.

Freshman year.

Sunlight streaming through the loosely drawn curtains was what woke you, lit patterns playing across your face. Your back ached from sleeping on a couch at a crooked angle for who knows how long. You stretched and tried to pull at your sore joints, attempting to return them to pre-crooked status. The room was still dark; the lamps were all off and the only other source of light was the television, where Netflix was playing some random anime you don’t remember ever selecting or talking about. Vague memories float up to the surface slowly as you finished waking up: you and Beomgyu had turned in a big semester final project that neither of you had thought would be finished on time but somehow managed to pull off. Deciding to get take out and stay up as long as possible watching as many seasons of anime as you could fit in and—

“Boo!”

Your scream echoed through the small dorm and you pulled at the blanket on top of you, trying to hide behind the soft, comforting quilt. On the other side of the couch was Beomgyu, laughing so hard he nearly rolled off onto the shag carpet rug. You half thought about being kind, and warning him to be careful because if he fell he could hit his head on the coffee table, but the other half said he scared you and deserved whatever happened next.

“How could you be so mean!” you whined, reaching behind you to grab a pillow to throw at your best friend’s face. “How long had you been planning something like that?”

Beomgyu paused his laughter to think. “Probably since I woke up about ten minutes ago. It would have been more elaborate, but then you woke up and I ran out of time.”

“You’ll pay for that, you know,” you muttered, drawing the blankets closer against your chest, where inside your heart still beating faster than usual.

“Even after helping you with that project and pay for dinner? On a college budget?” He paused for another moment, resting his chin between his thumb and the rest of his fingers. “Wait, pay for dinner... seems like I’ve already paid for it, Y/N.”

“Beomgyu!” You lunged forward, diving towards his end of the couch. Instead of a successful attack, you landed squarely in his arms, where he proceeded to tug you tightly against his chest. Escape, you soon realized, was futile. You’d have to talk your way out of this one. “Beomgyu, let me go. Now!"

“You know, you sure are whiney when you wake up,” he commented, rustling the hair atop your head. Your heart was still beating quickly and you were convinced the flush of your cheeks was due to large bouts of boiling hot rage streaming through your veins. “And why should I?”

“I would be in a nicer mood if you hadn’t scared me!” You tried to wriggle your arms up and pry your way out, but his grip was solid still, strong and warm. Since when was he ever this strong? His cheeks, you noticed, were warm and rosy as well, but that was from laughing too hard, you were sure. Why else would they be flushed?

“You may have a point…”

“Of course, I have a point! Now let me go!”

Mischief swam around with the stars in your best friend’s eyes. You could practically see the gears turning in his head, planning something you could only hope wasn’t entirely embarrassing. One eyelid dropped shut, and the smirk on his lips was unmistakable. “I will, but only if you pay for breakfast. From somewhere nice,” he rushes to add. “Student union doesn’t count.”

You released a terse sigh, resisting the urge to roll your eyes. “Fine! Deal! Now, release me!”

His arms slid away and you rolled over onto the floor, gently landing between the couch and the coffee table. The carpet was rough against your bare arms, but you were glad to be freed from Beomgyu’s death grip.

He was situated on the edge of the couch, chin resting lazily on his forearm, his eyes filled with mild shock and awe. “Really?” he gasped, as if he couldn’t actually believe you’d agreed. “Even if it’s the overpriced brunch food from the boutique down the street?”

You sighed, staring back at him.  “Yes. Even the brunch food from the boutique down the street.”

A moment of stillness, then...

“I’m glad we’re best friends," he said plainly, no hesitation in his voice. His dark eyes had warmed to a welcoming honest color, the kind some people could describe as home. The air around the two of you was still, a precious silence that quietly begged to be broken softly. Outside, the morning birds began to sing their late winter tune, beckoning spring to arrive as soon as possible. The sun filtered through the tiny windows brightly now, filling the dorm with warm yellow like that made everything feel nostalgic. Like the perfect ’80s movie.

When you found your voice, your words were soft but not timid. They held the same amount of honesty and weight as his had. “Me, too. We’re best friends, always.”

A soft smile played at Beomgyu’s lips as he echoed your promise. “Always.”

The walk back to your apartment is chilly. Even though the sun shone brightly ahead, the first freeze of the season the night prior plunged your town from late autumn into early winter. What few leaves remain on the trees might as well be frozen on, and the rest of the dead ones scattered around on the pavement, crunchy husks of their former selves. It’s daylight, but you can easily imagine if darkness were shrouded around you, your breaths would be rising out in front of you in vague translucent puffs. Cold describes everything in sight.

Beomgyu is close by your side, nestled in that ridiculously oversized scarf of his. Christmas is a while away, but you’re already planning on getting him a nice, Beomgyu-sized scarf, probably a deep brown to match his eyes.

“What’cha thinking about?” His voice, clear as crystal, cuts through the air like a sharpened knife, but it doesn’t startle you. It’s warm and inviting against the bitter winter weather, a gentle fire among the cold.

“What I’m gonna get you for Christmas,” you reply, burying your hands into your coat pockets. The pavement scuffs beneath your boots, the walk back home growing boring. As you crossed the street where you two used to part ways freshman year, him to the left and you to the right, you remember when he said his parents told him they were moving during high school. How distraught the two of you became, only to find out he was moving in across the street from your house. Now, you split the rent for a two bedroom apartment. “How about you?”

“To be completely honest, I’m wishing I had remembered my gloves this morning, because right now, my hands are extremely cold.”

You laugh, a bright chuckle, and pull your own hands out of your pockets, staring down at the grey gloves cloaking your fingertips. You hold out your hand towards him. “Want to take one?”

Beomgyu scoffs. “And let you suffer from an equally terrible fate as myself? I think not. At least one of us needs to live.”

You laugh again, throwing your hands back into your pocket. “Fine, be that way.” You cut in front of him, dashing over to the short decorative stone wall running as a divider between the grassy park and the sidewalk. In a quick hop, you’re walking along the top as it gradually slopes higher to the point your feet are even with Beomgyu’s waist.

He stares up at you as you hold your arms at length on either side of you, a small frown playing on his lips. “Be careful,” he warns, the tone of his voice surprisingly stern, something he rarely treats you with. When you look down, you see his brows creased as he follows your pace.

“Yeah, okay, dad,” you laugh, finding the bitter look on Beomgyu’s face amusing. The stone wall beneath your feet is sturdy, and your balance is just as solid. Years of strange theater exercises had brought you that. You can even see your apartment down the street; you’d walk all the way atop this wall, taller now still, and show him.  You’ll get to the end and hop off dramatically and tease him for worrying. He keeps pace with you perfectly, still by your side even if there’s distance. The look in Beomgyu’s eyes tells you he wants to reprimand you, take you by the waist and set you safely on the sidewalk before scolding you on every reason why you shouldn’t have done that. But you don’t need him to. You’re perfectly safe with no reason to worry and—

You’ve misstepped.

Your foot is too far from the center, closer to the edge of the stonewall than you had anticipated. There’s not enough foot on the edge to save it. Your impressive balance is misplaced even further as your arms circle widely at your sides, trying in vain to regain some semblance of stability. You can feel yourself pitch sideways, your feet finally coming out from beneath you, and now you’re looking up at the crystal blue sky.

There’s not a cloud in sight, odd for this early winter day, and for the shortest of moments, it’s like you're falling through the atmosphere. The cold wind biting at your cheeks is caused by your descent. The screams you hear are just the air rushing past your ears, calling your name, not anyone else. The clunk of bodies hitting the pavement is just an illusion.

Your vision snapping to black is just a mistake, a cruel trick of fate, like the dark doubts that swarm around your head when you’re all alone. The blackness is almost welcoming, and you succumb quietly.

Twelfth Grade

Four weeks.  Just under a month. Your life had gone from bold with color and emotion to two steps from dead and lifeless. Subjects you’d once enjoyed, now dull and monotonous. Walks to school were boring. Lunch and free period were non-committal. You’d skipped theater more than your fingers could count; you’d gotten an email from the director asking if everything was okay.

But it wasn’t. Nothing was.

Because it had been four weeks, just under a month, since you’d talked to your best friend.

What you’d even been fighting over, you couldn’t remember. That entire night is a fogged mess in your memory banks, existing but inaccessible. You know it’s there, but your brain, or maybe your heart, refuses to replay the details for you. The only information it relays is that there was a fight, and somehow some kind of words were said that ended in hot tears and storming out of houses with no goodbyes, take cares, or any sign of always.

Life since then had been weird, like you had shifted from one plane of existence but the world didn’t shift with you. Like a blurry camera shot, where one part of the image is in focus with fuzzy edges but everything else is shaken and smeared like thick wet paint.

All the love and joy theater had brought you since seventh grade was gone, five years nearly shattered to pieces inside your nearly-broken heart. You had no idea when the light would return, or if you would ever act again. It was so closely entwined to him, it physically hurt to walk near the theater or even think of certain plays.

Just like it hurt in the classes you shared. Sitting across the room from each other as far as possible, as opposed to right next to each other and sharing looks and soft smiles. The other students and even the teachers were left in a mild tailspin of confusion. There was never a scene made, nor any words spoken. Glances weren’t exchanged anymore. You never looked in his direction; your heart would ache far too much to handle.

Different pathways were even chosen to get between classes. You didn’t want a chance encounter in the halls, you couldn’t handle it. You guessed he couldn’t either, because you never saw him. There were never any accidental meet ups by your lockers, either.

Your plan had been to skip theater again and take the bus home, riding it around until it dropped you off last. You wouldn’t have to see him, it wouldn’t have to hurt, for that day at least. But you were running late, another teacher asking if you were okay needing brushing off. You needed to hurry and stop by your locker to retrieve your books. The bus was leaving soon; if you wanted to leave, you’d need to rush.

The halls were empty, everyone either in their after school clubs or outside waiting for the buses. You hurried to your locker, fingers anxious to spin the code in, grab your books, and leave. You reached inside, ready to retrieve the books by their spine and disappear from this place for what would feel like a short eternity. The hall was too bright, too empty, too--

“Y/N?”

Your heart skipped a beat, head whipping to the side. Beomgyu stood mere feet from you, but he might as well have been a thousand miles away. There were no longer any stars in his eyes, no warmth or cheer. They were sad, dark pits of self-doubt. They were muted screams, begging for help but not being quite loud enough. The dark circles under his eyes pleaded as well, and the downturn of his lips was what sent your stoic, bored, “I can make this” facade spiraling downwards.

You reached forward instinctively, wanting to cup his cheek with your hand and gently rub away the dark circles with your thumb, but you froze midway. Your voice even hitched. “Beomgyu... you look…”

“Awful? Dreadful? Like hell?” he filled in for you, and you couldn’t help but nod. Your chest was tight, almost to the point you wanted to clutch and tear at your heart to find relief. And the way your best friend was standing, shoulders slumped and body looking one strong wind from caving in like a fragile house of cards, it seemed like his heart was aching, too.

“What happened to us?” you asked, voice quiet and quivering. The hot buildup of tears began behind your eyes, making the edges of your vision blur together in a mass of sad, muted tones. “Why did we—”

“I don’t know,” he answered quickly, anxiously, as if he doesn’t speak fast, he’ll lose you again. He took a tender step forward, leaving only a few feet between you, but it was still too much space. You missed being side by side, close enough to bump into each other’s shoulders or elbow each other’s sides. Beomgyu took another tiny step towards you when you didn't move back. “What were we even fighting about?”

“I don’t know.” You felt like one step away from crumbling inwards, clasping in on yourself and all the way to the cool hallway floor. Your hands were shaking now at your sides, and you gripped your hoodie hem to prevent the shivers from racing up your arms and shaking the rest of you until you shattered into tiny shards. The moment your fingers curled around the soft hem was when you realized: it was his. You’d thrown in on that morning without even thinking. Now, all you could notice was how strongly, how nicely it smelled like him. You took in a solid breath of air to prevent the tears from spilling over, but it was shaky and unconvincing. “Whatever we were fighting about, it’s not worth this. I miss you, Beomgyu.”

His eyes were still empty, no stars in sight, but now they were glossy with tears. His chin quivered, and his lips moved to say something but couldn’t. His fingers curled and uncurled around the leather strap of his messenger bag. His voice was quiet when he finally spoke. “I miss you. So much it hurts to breathe, so much I can’t stand to look at you in class or else I feel like crying. Whatever I did, I’m sorry. Please, please, forgive me and be my best friend again. I don’t think I can take life without you anymore.”

The both of you lunged forward at the same time, wrapping each other in a hug. Your arms clung to his neck while his encircled your waist, holding you close. Warm, salty tears finally spilled over, running down your cheek and onto the soft denim of his jacket. By his shaky breaths, you figured he was crying, too. “I don’t want you not in my life anymore either,” you managed, hoping somehow that you’d made sense.

Beomgyu laughed in your arms, drawing you even nearer. “Good, because I really didn’t want to have to explain to your father why I was standing under your window with my guitar instead of just letting myself in like usual.”

You laughed too, but the kind of broken laugh where you find pure happiness just after harsh sadness. Your heart swelled with joy, knowing that Beomgyu was still yours. The time you’d spent apart, not talking or goofing around or shoving each other playfully with stupid grins on both of your faces, had been life-draining. You’d never get it back, even if you spent forever together. You never wanted to go through anything like that ever again.

Beomgyu nestled into the crook of your neck, words whispered so quietly you knew instantly that they were just for you. “We’re each other’s best friends, always. Right?”

You wrap your arms around even tighter, a true smile on your face for the first time in weeks. “Right. Always, Beomgyu, always.”

The apartment is quiet. The shades are drawn open, allowing late afternoon sunlight to spill in and swim around on soft carpet floors, bathing them in warm yellow light. The television in the corner is on but mute, the news airing with no noise. The heater kicked on a minute or so ago, filling the house with nicely warm air. Outside, soft baby snowflakes begin to fall out of the sky, the first snowfall of the season. If the sound had been on, you would have known that the weatherman said the snow was no reason for concern—it wouldn’t accumulate to the point it was dangerous. Just a light dusting, something to make the outdoors look nice and wintry.

But you are unconcerned with whatever the weatherman’s words may be or the consequences of the snow. There are more pressing concerns.

Your voice warbles as you pull out the first aid kit from above the washer and walk back into the living room. “Beomgyu, I’m so so sorry, I—” You bite down on your lower lip to prevent yourself from crying; there wasn’t time for that now.  The white plastic lid snaps open, and you pull out the gauze, the alcohol wipes, and the bandages with shaky hands. He sits on the edge of the couch, one hand bracing himself on the cushion, the wounded one resting tenderly on his lap.

You lower to stand on your knees and reach out to take the hurt one in yours. You stare down at his split second knuckle, an ugly gash that would surely scar no matter how kindly or tenderly you treated it. Caused because of your stupidity, your recklessness. Caused because you tripped or slipped or something and fell off the wall. Caused because he risked his safety to catch you. You feel your heart break, knowing the scar would be your fault, forever, and you can’t ever fix it no matter how hard you try.

There’s no going back, or rewinding time to try again.

Beomgyu winces as you wipe at the cut with the alcohol wipes, and you mutter sorry after sorry. It’s beginning to not even feel like a real word. You can feel your chest heaving, one step away from a total breakdown as you swim through deep and measured breaths. Guilt pours over you like a thick syrup, sticking to every surface and threatening to drag you down and drown you whole. It fills into the cracks of your armor, bubbling up inside you like a witch’s brew. As you place the gaze and wrap the bandages around his hand, your breaths are coming shallower and shallower, your ability to keep it together fading. When you tie the bandages into place, you let go and drop to sit on your heels, all energy gone. Your head hangs in shame, and you wish you could crawl away and hide somewhere until further notice.

Which would be easier if you didn’t share a damn apartment.

However, your best friend won’t let you.

“Hey,” he calls, his voice soft and soothing. His healthy hand curls under your chin, gently begging you to look up, and you comply. His eyes are calm and filled with stars again,  and other emotions you can’t quite place. He smiles kindly, and you can feel your heart shatter at that instant. Right now, you don’t deserve that kindness. Your shoulders spike up and tears begin to spill over. Beomgyu’s face collapses into concern, and he slides off the couch to sit on the floor next to you, legs crossed.

When he places his hands on your shoulders, you try to shake them off. “Please, just...” Your voice falls away. How could you ever apologize for what happened? You knew you shouldn’t have, and yet you did. You knew he seriously disapproved, even if he didn’t voice it totally, and yet you continued. You knew, deep down, that you were getting cocky, and yet you didn’t stop. You had plans on teasing him, mocking him for his concern. The guilt presses down and down, crunching against your head, your shoulders, and your heart until you could scarcely breathe. Quiet sobs heave against your frame, from your torso down to your whole body. You could tell, soon, that you’d simply shake apart into fragments that could never be pieced together again.

You injured your best friend from your own stupidity.

“Hey,” Beomgyu says again, and this time, he reaches for you and pulls you into his lap, safely tucking you under his chin. You don’t resist, and even if you wanted to, you doubt you could have done it past all the crying. He gently rocks you back and forth, rubbing your back, soothing you as one would a small child. Once your sobs have subsided, and your breaths return to a semi-normal state, he speaks again. “I don’t hate you for what happened, if that’s what you think. I could never, I…”

You pull yourself slightly from his grasp, enough to stare at him at eye level, coming out from underneath the warm spot of his chin and neck and shoulder. The emotions swirling around amongst the stars in his eyes are new and unusual to yet, and some part of you feels at home with them. Your voice is quiet, almost hesitant, when you talk. “You... what?”

Beomgyu takes a breath, as if steeling himself. "I have something I need to tell you."

"Need?" you echo, head quirking to one side in confusion.

He nods, staring straight into your eyes. When he speaks, his tone is something you’ve rarely ever heard before. “Need. My chest might burst if I don’t get this off it, and that wouldn’t really help me graduate. Or tell you this. So... and seeming we might as well have almost died…” You roll your eyes at his dramatics, and Beomgyu seems hesitant, but only for a moment. Years of going up on stage have prepared him, but you can tell in this instance, he’s honest, 100% himself, and your best friend, not some actor playing a character for some play. 

He takes another breath before: “I think I’m in love with you.”

Your eyes grow wide, a small gasp escapes your lips, but he doesn’t stop.

“No, that’s not right. I know I’m in love with you. I’ve loved you for a long time but this... this is different. I want to keep you safe, to wipe away any of your tears. Seeing you sad just... tears at my heart. It hurts. Whenever you're sad or upset, I feel the same way, even if it’s just words over a text message. I really did feel like I was going to die when we had that fight. Living without you was unimaginable, but I had to go four weeks without you. Without your voice, your stupid jokes, your laugh. I guess I was in love with you then, too, I just didn’t know it.”

Words escape you, any witty comeback gone. You stare at him, the honesty in his eyes, thinking you’d see him differently after his confession. But you don’t. He’s still Beomgyu. He’s still your best friend. He’s still your Beomgyu.

One of your hands raises, and you tap yourself on your sternum. “Me?”

Beomgyu rolls his eyes now, as if he expected some kind of response like this. “Yes, you. I mean, who else would look up at the night sky, invent a star-monster, then worry about it taking me? I’ve wondered if I was really in love with you, like really actually in love with you. But when you fell and I caught you and you blacked out and I didn’t know why... Y/N, I was so worried. I could feel my heart breaking and I knew that if you never woke up, I wouldn’t ever be the same again.”

He’s mere inches from you, arms around you, body heat radiating off in such pleasant ways you feel okay with melting straight into the floor. His hands move from around your back to ghost around your face, like they want to caress you but are too afraid you might shatter like a fine porcelain under his touch. And his eyes—damn, his eyes. Every star, every galaxy, stirring together to create a beautiful milky way, a gaze so firm and caring you feel as if you’ll never look away. That if you somehow managed, too, you’d feel as if you were missing something dear and important.

Your heart flutters in your chest, its beat stuttery against your wrists. Oh, how on earth did you get here?

Maybe it was when one was so starstruck by the other they stopped watching where they were walking and dripped over someone’s strewn out, overstuffed backpack. When the other offered up a seat beside them during the audition to help settle nerves. Maybe it was when they woke up next to each other after having fallen asleep after binge watching an entire anime season or two, with Netflix on some other autoplay show, one was wondering how the other could look so soft and delicate just after they wake. When the other was happy that they were in each other’s lives. Maybe it was when they declared they’d always be friends, best friends, but now always seems to be more weighty and mean a little more than before.

Maybe, just maybe, this is when they slowly turn towards each other, catching the starry glint in the other’s eye. When they slowly lean forward, ever closer, to the point they can feel one another’s soft breath. When gazes go from eyes to lips and back. When heartbeats slowly start to be harder and louder. When you feel like you might be the one crying because oh heavens—this is it.

But there are things those plays never mention, things the audience can never detect.

They never mention how the palms of hands become sweaty, or how automatic it is to take a soft breath before another pair of lips meets yours, a touch so delicate you finally understand what all the hype is about.

How nice it feels to have two hands cupping your cheeks so gently, their little fear of shattering you gone, or how your own hand curls into the fabric of his shirt as if it’s second nature, the most right thing in the world.

How tantalizingly dizzy a first kiss is.

How soft lips are, how soothingly warm to the point you wouldn’t mind if they were all you felt. How tender goosebumps trail down your spine until something begins to pool in your stomach.

How, even though you’ve become utterly breathless, you can’t stop at just one, because now something that's been building and growing for years has unlocked.

Hands that trail from cheeks to ghost over the nape of the neck, sliding down arms softly to then find purchase at your waist. Kisses, more warm, tantalizing kisses that leave you craving for more. Kisses that roam from lips to chins, then trail down the jaw to tease and nip tender patches of skin on necks, only to return to corners of lips for more wholehearted, dizzying kisses.

You’re warm, almost hot, but it’s so pleasant. What exposed skin you have tingles with feeling, with a craving touch and affection, too. The two of you rest your forehead on one another’s, breath still shallow from all the kisses exchanged, hands softly interlocked with fingers entwined, or as much as one can with bandaged knuckles. He finds his voice first, though even it is soft and a little hoarse. “I should have done that a long time ago, huh?”

You giggle and snuggle closer, nestling into the crook of his neck. You place a kiss underneath his chin. Beomgyu rubs even patterns on your back with his healthy hand while you take the bandaged one in your own, cradling it gently. You pull it up to your own lips, kissing where each knuckle is softly. When you look up, you see the stars glowing in his eyes, brighter than anytime you’ve ever seen them. 

Beomgyu sighs, eyes softening at the corners. “I guess the kiss in the play won’t matter anymore, hm?”

You lightly slug in him the shoulder, a love-filled smile playing on your lips. He smiles back in a similar manner, his eyes lighting up with happiness. “Oh, and I guess this means you love me back, too.”

People fill and mingle around the diner, looking for an open seat among the crowds of customers. And older couple swoops in as soon as you vacate the booth, not even caring that your dirty dishes were still neatly stacked at the edge awaiting pick up. But you didn’t mind. You push through the doors to wait outside while Beomgyu paid. Even though there’s a small crowd at the counter, you knew exactly which one he was. Beomgyu wore his light blue jacket, the one that accentuated all his features nicely. You’d have to make sure that whatever Beomgyu-sized scarf you bought matched that jacket. He needed to wear it as often as possible.

The first official date was almost over, but you knew there would be many more to come. 

Once he’s finished paying, Beomgyu makes a beeline for the door, carefully navigating around all the people crowding the entryway. “Is it always this busy?” you ask when he rejoins you.

Beomgyu shrugs his shoulders. “Yeah, I guess so. But knowing you, the most gorgeous person ever alive, would be there waiting for me was very motivational.”

You do little to hid your smile.

He takes your hand in his, interlacing your fingers as if it were second nature. Maybe, it was, and you two had just been trying to ignore it. This walk from the diner back to your apartment had been done countless times before, but this one is special. And now, you think, it really is your apartment. 

Beomgyu starts to casually rub gentle circles onto your skin with his thumb. “It’s the perfect kind of weather for me to take off my jacket and give it to you to keep you warm, you know.” He then takes a deep sigh and throws his head back. His next words come out playfully clipped. “But, someone had to be smart and wear their jacket.”

“Well, you’re not dating a fool,” you chuckle. When you notice Beomgyu pouting, eyes downcast away from you, you laugh again and poke him in the shoulder to get his attention. “Thank you anyway, Beomgyu, for always thinking of me.”

He turns back to you, all smiles. “Darling, I don’t think I could stop thinking of you even if I tried.”

“Ew, gross.” You laugh, white curls of breath forming in front of you. But, unlike last time, there is no cold or ice in sight. No dark thoughts and doubts plague you tonight. You’re delightfully warm and happy.

“Ew, gross yourself,” Beomgyu mimics, throwing his tone to match yours. “I’m cold too, by the way. So I guess thanks for thinking of me by thinking of yourself. God, you’re like the smartest person ever.”

As the walk home continues, so does the conversation. "Our parents seemed pretty happy when we told them, huh?" Beomgyu mentions, a smile playing at his lips.

“Maybe they planned it,” you muse. “Maybe the director was in on it. They wrote it all together because they decided it was now or never.”

Laughter fills the air, and even in the dark spots between the lampposts are filled with light.

You nudge your shoulder into Beomgyu’s, garnering his attention. “Can I ask you a question?” When he nods, eager to hear what you have to say, you continue. “Why did you throw your lunch on me that day in seventh grade?”

“That was an honest mistake!” he exclaims, eyes filled with desperate honesty. The blush along his cheeks as he looks away is readily apparent. When he looks up, his eyes are filled with sincerity. “But sitting next to you on audition day wasn’t.”

A soft smile plays at the corner of your lips. “I’m glad I got there late, then.”

“Me, too.” A moment of silence falls between you, but it’s comfortable, like an overtly fluffy blanket made just for two. Afterward, Beomgyu is the first to speak again. “Okay, I’ve confessed something from our past that’s mildly embarrassing yet still endearing. Now it’s your turn.” He turns to you with a mischievous grin on his lips.  "’Fess up, darling."

It takes a small instant, before: “Oh! You know that time we stayed up all night and watched anime after that big project? When we woke up the next morning, even though you scared the hell out of me, I thought you were pretty cute.”

Beomgyu’s eyebrows quirk up, his grin grows wider. “Cute? Me? You thought I was cute?”

Pink blush rushes to your cheeks before you smack him on the shoulder. You drop his hand and quicken your pace. “You were cute, you’re not anymore.”

Beomgyu races to catch up with you, takes your hand again, and bumps into your shoulder gently. “Of course I’m not cute anymore. I’m handsome.”

You make a fake gag. “Oh, please!” There’s no sense of lightness when you shove his shoulder.

“Hey, now,” he says, rubbing his shoulder with his free hand, another fake pout on his lips. “Be nice to your boyfriend.”

You scoff. “Is that what you are now?”

“What else would I be? More than friends but not a boyfriend…” Beomgyu’s eyes brighten as he lets go of your hand and snaps his fingers. “Aha! Your husband!”

You shove him with two hands this time. The idea of being with him like that is overwhelming to the max. “Fine, you’re my boyfriend, then.” The word feels foreign on your tongue, but you can easily imagine them growing comfortable. Your best friend. Your boyfriend. Your Beomgyu.

He slings his arm over your shoulder and pulls you close as your apartment slowly grows larger in the distance.  He leans his head over and rests it gently on yours. “I guess I lied,” he mutters, and you pull back confused even with his eyes on you, rich and loving. “I told you the play wouldn’t change things between us.”

A smile slowly spreads across your face. “But... we changed in a good way, right?”

Beomgyu answers you with a gentle kiss to the crown of your head, caressing your shoulders kindly and pulling you just a little closer. “Yeah, we changed in a good way.”

[corpsentry]

i have derailed myself. down terrible for shaoshang xinghancanlan lltg and speedrunning both parts as fast as possible with my mother. we um. binged 30 episodes in the last five days………….. me when the hetero period drama is treated not like a trashy ya novel where everyone has big eyes small face (listening to 银河漫漫盼归期 on the bus to jb like a weirdo) it is hard to put into words the sheer kind of resignation i have approached the xianxia/wuxia/general chinese period drama genre with for the past few years as after cql and woh we watched love between fairy and devil and til the end of the moon and who rules the world and dawg that shit made me Cry…. after much thought i have come to the realization that i have a personal vendetta against stories that only progress because there are 1) evil characters and 2) stupid characters i.e. there is blinding frustrating cheek gnawing cruelty askance but that shit just keeps looping because the protagonists are sooooo nice — that is to say, STUPID AS BALLS— and don’t assert themselves. xinghancanlan (and the drama we finished just before, xihuazhi (blossoms into adversity (dogshit english localized titles, i sob)) is so incredibly fucking refreshing on a basic storytelling level because it doesn’t linger. no misery porn (see: love between fairy and devil, til the end of the moon), no dragging out the jealous cousin who keeps torturing the protag and co, instead the plot! just! keeps! moving! it’s got places to go! and it motherfucking goes to them. god i want to eat til the end of the moon’s flashbacks alive anyway (separate story, very long) xinghancanlan also does so many levels of character storytelling and it does it like HELL the amount of care given to each parent child relationship in particular lord i haven’t seen a parent child relationship written with such nuance and care in a long time, if ever, as the one between shaoshang and her mom there is no villain!!! everything is terrible!!!! art imitates reality. and then you get her and her dad, ling buyi and the whole situation going on over there, the emperor, even wang ling’s family— these are not archetypes. they’re people. and that’s so nice. that the homies over there produced a show that lingers not on the agonizing nail ripping sobfests but on how hard it is to be a person

and then there is the fact of the production itself. not to fist my own ass or pat this one’s but this show approaches scene writing and transitions the way i approach my own writing and i have never seen that in any tv series let alone a chinese period drama where girl meets guy and it goes so FUCKIN HARD. i give example. character A and B gossip about character C for a brief period. “C is such a whiny bitch,” B says (this is a close-up shot). cut immediately to a close-up shot of C whining to D, and then one of D replying. just like that we have transitioned between place, time, and characters with this kind of fun witty filmography and writing that makes it feel like this scene is a continuation of the last due to the same style of face to face interrogation. but we are in an entirely different place

or, abruptly there is a scene of violence and brutality yet unseen in the show. it fades to black, and character H shudders awake at her desk. “i just had a terrible dream,” she says. but the scene after that is a continuation of the violence and brutality of earlier and we come to realize that this is very much a real moment in the story. the audience has been played by an inverse ‘it was just a dream’. it was not just a dream. even though it was shocking and gruesome. the story is moving to new places now

and more generally, the score reminds me so strongly of beijing opera with the way the music describes and foreshadows minute gestures; shifting eyes, a tic in the left hand, the slightest drop of one’s shoulders. there are new and interesting, relevant, thought provoking transitions in each scene. the framing of shots emphasizes specific character emotions and mental scapes. and shanjian is an emotionally repressed loser. it’s just so. so. (howling for 85 years). fucking dazzling to see a piece of art that has clearly been made with such care, my guys. and also is fun to watch. and is obviously having fun itself. i am reminded of the ways in which art can save people’s hearts as this saves mine. and shaoshang makes me want to cry, is such a hot mess and not at all one, gives so few shits and altogether too many, is just learning how to hold the love that others give her without trying to call it something else-/ she is so tender. i’m throw myself off a cliff right now. all day i have been wandering around jb muttering to myself about the beautiful and good things in the world. it can change your life to see someone smile even if it is fictional character cheng shaoshang from xinghancanlan. cannot stop thinking about this damn show. thank u for listening

[infinstar]

I basically binge watched the SOTUS series for the first time today and coincidentally Thailand passed the marriage equality laws at the same time! Such timing when watching the first GMMTV BL made and one of Thailands first BLs.

I actually really liked it more than I thought I would. I loved Kongbpob's flirting lines!! It always came out of nowhere and I basically had the same expression as P'Arthit (which was bewildered blushing haha) every time. I liked how their relationship developed and how even the confident Kongpob was scared of being honest when confronted about his feelings. It felt realistic and raw - less polished than the BL's we see these days so more freedom to explore as it was a pioneer of sort. The setting was also so nostalgic as I was also in university in 2016 so it brought back so many memories.

I wanted to write in defense about what Kongpob says to M when he asked regarding if he liked boys. He replied that he didn't like boys but he liked P'Arthit because it was P'Arthit. Now I haven't watched SOTUS S or the Our Skyy episodes so I am not sure about Kongpob's attraction/relationship history but it seemed like to me he said that as it was his first actual attraction to someone/guy.

So if that was the first time he liked someone/guy and if he is demisexual/demiromantic then that might make so much sense for him to say that. This is coming from someone who basically said the same thing when I liked someone for the first time (basically around the same time as kongpob) - who just happened to be a girl. I genuinely didn't understand it back then as I had never experienced physical/romantic attraction to anyone regardless of gender before this. I think when you first experience that kind of attraction quite strongly you think that it is only applicable in regards to that person. But my dumbass realised a few years after that, if you liked her then you can/do like girls (it was such a whole different awakening).

But I get where he was coming from. There was a point in time where she asked me and our other friend (who was also a girl) if we would ever like each other if our genders were different. At that time I had already realised that I was in love with her and after thinking about what she said I realised that I would've loved her the same if she was a guy too. This was what cemented the notion that I liked her and not that I liked girls in general at that time (as I couldn't imagining liking anyone else even if their gender had changed). So that was a blast from the past when I saw Kongpob mentioned that to say the least.

I do however like that we have of moved past that kind of declarations as the norm for someone experiencing first time attraction to the same sex. Maybe it will be nice to still have that kind of thinking when it is appropriate for that character as it is so raw but then have that character go through similar realisations that I did to understand otherwise. Basically make the characters a bit more flawed, inexperienced not fully knowledgeable in all aspects of the LGBTQ+ world so that the audience can go on that journey of realisation through the character too. I know I would've benefited from it back then for sure.

[jackles010378]

The Boy Next Door.

(No warnings needed, just mention of Dean's body 😜)

You had just moved into your new apartment. After living with your brother and sister in law for the past 2 years after a fire had broken out at your old place, you had finally found the perfect place. It was only a couple of blocks from where you worked as a PA for a law firm.

As much as you loved living at your brother's place, you loved having your own space back. It had been a rough day at work and all you wanted to do was to get home, have a nice long bath and binge watch whatever series you had got hooked into lately.

Grabbing takeout and a couple bottles of wine on your way home, you were mentally planning out your night on the drive back. You grab your purse, takeout and the wine you had brought and made your way up to your apartment. Fishing your keys out your bag, you put the key in and to top off a shitty day your key snaps in the lock. "You gotta be fucking kidding me" you shouted kicking your door. You grabbed your phone out of your pocket and rang for the maintenance man that looks after your building.

After a few rings he finally picks up. You tell him what happened and he reassures you that he will get to you as quickly as he can, but he will have to go to the hardware store to pick up another lock. He said it could be an hour, two at the most because he was on another job. You hung up and slid down your door. You could smell your take out and seriously considered just shoveling in your mouth with your hands. But you resisted and opened the wine instead "thank god for screw tops" you said laughing to yourself.

You weren't aware that your neighbour had come out and saw your tantrum against your door. He coughed to get your attention " hi you look like you need some help". Your head snapped up and you were met with the most gorgeous looking man you had ever seen. You were lost for words, I mean he was standing there half naked with just a towel hanging off his hips. Showing off his muscular physique, and those broad shoulders. "Do you need help or are just gonna sit there gawking" he said with a smirk.

You shook off all the thoughts that were swirling through your mind about what you wanted to do that body. You got up off the floor and noticed how tall he was. Damn he was tall. "Hi, erm yeah, my key snapped off in the lock so I'm just waiting for maintenance, sorry if I interrupted your evening" you were babbling, you never babble. But this guy, wow did he get you flustered, his wet hair sending drips down his torso, he had the most gorgeous green eyes you had ever seen.

"oh so your my new neighbor then, hi my name's Dean Winchester" he held out his hand, you placed your tiny hand in his, his whole hand engulfed yours. "Hi, yes I am, I'm y/n l/n, thanks for checking on me but I'll be fine, he said he'd only be an hour or two" Dean not letting go of your hand asked you "would you like to come and wait in my apartment, you can text him, let him know where you are. I promise I'm not a serial killer or psycho or anything like that" you gave him a weary look "that's exactly what a serial killer would say" you both started to laugh.

After Dean had put some clothes on, much to your disappointment, you both sat on the couch eating the take out. Dean gave you a glass for your wine whilst he grabbed a beer from his fridge. As you finished your food you got a message from the maintenance guy saying he would be at your apartment soon. You told Dean you were happy to wait outside "thanks for letting me take refuge in your home, it was sweet of you" you said to him "well I couldn't exactly leave you out there and let that food get cold could I". You both laughed and Dean walked you to the door. "thanks again Dean, ill be seeing you" Dean grabbed your hand "I'd like to see you again sweetheart, that's if you want to". you smiled shyly " well considering we live next door to each other I'd say wed be seeing quite a lot of each other, don't you?" Dean laughed "we sure will, would like to get to know you better" he said with a wink. Before you left you exchanged numbers with Dean "I'll call you" he said as you walked out of the door, the maintenance man walking by, "you could do that, or you could just come knock on my door" you said with a playful smile, a smirk tugging at Dean's lips as he responded "oh I will, you can count on it"

I saw that gif of him in the towel (I know it's not dean, I think it's from dark angel??) and this load of babble just came to me lol 🤣 hope you guys enjoyed it 😊

@kaleldobrev @k-slla @cevansbaby-dove @janineb86 @deans-daydream @alternativeprincess94

[nerdy-talks]

Obey Me! Nightbringer Lesson 40

I'm gonna start this post by venting a little, so please bear with me ^^"

It's been a rough few months.

The one thing I get the most joy from has also been turning me into a massive emotional wreck.

First, there was the finale of Attack on Titan. No lie or exaggeration, I cried for 3 whole days. And tonight I will be experiencing the same pain all over again since the Dub is scheduled to air.

Then Jujutsu Kaisen... Gojo. Nanami. Need I say more?

To break things up, I thought I would finally sit down and binge watch Fruits Basket. It was the one anime that I was surprisingly able to avoid all spoilers with. And like the fool I am, I thought "aww, this looks like such a cute anime! I bet this series won't be sad."

As I said... I'm a fool lol. But at least I wasn't crying alone. My Mom had watched the entirety of Fruits Basket with me, and she also shed some tears I shared the pain, mwhahaha! >:)

Now, I can add Obey Me! Nightbringer to the list of things that have made me sob like a baby.

This scene specifically :

I was seriously overwhelmed with emotions.

I couldn't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. I tried my best to choke back my feelings. But I was unable to contain myself, and the ugly sobbing began.

I dunno.... Lucifer showing his genuine gratitude to us is just... so sweet and precious to me.

The part that actually made me cry is him telling us "May the path you walk in life be full of joy and happiness."

Lucifer.... There's literally no way that I could ever be happy without you and your brothers in my life!! T_T

Those 7 boys have been majorly responsible for my joy and happiness since the very beginning, and even though we were supposedly returning to them in the future/present... It still doesn't make saying goodbye to the past boys any easier.

Like... I would have clung onto Lucifer here and cried into his chest while apologizing for crying... But they mean so much to me, I just wouldn't be able to stop myself ; ^ ;

And ohhhhhh boyyyyy! When it came to us calling upon each of the brothers for their power and they each said goodbye to us.... Let's just say I was so happy that I was home alone because I was legit wailing, so much that even my dogs were looking at me like "what the Hell is wrong with you, you weird human?" xD

Then!

Even though I am skeptical, suspicious, and on guard about our "return" to the future/present... I burst into tears again when I read this :

Levi.... please don't cry.... you're making my tears well up again! T^T

And then to make matters even more emotional :

Welcome home! ; _ ;

I'm not sure if I'm just in a phase where I cry easily, or if I'm growing softer as I get older.... But either way, it's clear that my love, devotion, and feelings for fictional characters is more intense than ever before lol

[savagewildnerness]

25 and 33!

Thank you for the asks!

25: Fave season and why?

This is actually a very difficult answer for me! Both as I don't hugely prefer one season over the other and as my experience of watching each season was really different!

I adored Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles from a child and teen and was excited to hear the show was being made... but I am also always equally terrified when any thing I love is adapted.

Sidenote: I saw a play on stage - a production of Amadeus a few years ago, a film I'd watched obsessively as a child... and I was initially excited it was going to happen and booked (1) ticket... but when it got close I felt like "I don't want to go! I'm not excited anymore because what if I hate it and then I not only hate it but it ruins my memory of the film I loved?!" Anyway, I saw the play and adored it so much I ended up seeing it like 40 times or something, LOL... I still wish I had a time machine to experience that play live again now. They incorporated live musicians (not dead ones hahahahaha) on stage too and OH MY, HOW I FELT THE MUSIC ALONGSIDE THE EXQUISITE ACTING. Oh, how I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed even watching it for the 35th time!!! I share to compare...

So, with IWTV - I knew it was happening, but I didn't follow production of the show and I didn't follow when it aired in the US. Every so often I kept thinking *When is this show coming to my country, because I *do* want to watch it* and eventually it arrived in Autumn 2023...

But even then, I went into it, thinking "Maybe I'll hate it." My predominant feeling before watching was FEAR. Not excitement or curiosity. Fear.

Then, Lestat watched Louis as Louis pulled a blade and put it to Paul's throat and in that INSTANT I felt "THERE IS MY LESTAT!". I didn't even think it. I felt it in my blood and bones and soul. And what with wondrous Jacob too, I was sold. Like ugh - the church at the end of episode 1. The music. Oh MY! But I was way past the era of the initial online excitement or chat around the show. I just binged the whole series till episode 5. I actually then found episode 5 incredibly difficult... and it was worse because by episode 4 into 5 I had fallen so in love with the show and, since it wasn't too long ago, I can clearly remember myself sitting, watching episode 5 and getting to the end of it and thinking. Oh. It is RUINED. I do not even want to watch any more. And it was a few days before I could bring myself to watch the rest of the series.

Of course, I watched the rest of the series. But I actually needed to rewatch the whole series then one time, after a few week's break before I could truly enjoy episodes 6 and 7 in full. I really did find episode 5 in S1 that hard.

So, with S2 I'm obviously here with you all, utterly addicted! I watched in a very different way - able to discuss episodes afterwards and immediately process things with this wonderful community!

Hmm... I would say that I like both seasons relatively similarly, but for different reasons:

S1 - I think overall, the resonance of it as a whole works better for me, and obviously the delicious chemistry of Sam and Jacob; Lestat and Louis and the Romance of Louis' immortal turning, bookended with the Gothic Romance of Lestat's murder is Shakespearean exquisite beauty to be. And Lestat's speech on the balcony, speaking Anne Rice's words... I just adore it SO much. Like UGH. My heart - with Lestat knowing Louis plans to kill him, but not truly believing he will until the second it happens, because he could never do such to Louis and surely Louis can't either... but then of course he must and Lestat's acceptance of it as an act of love and mercy from Louis. Vibrate my soul!!

S2 - I just love the poetry of S2. The poetic writing in episode 1 and the music in E1 - the way S2 began was just so beautiful to me. I cried a lot more during S2, often as I found DreamStat unbearably moving and/or poignant (either in and of himself or in his relevance to and what he expressed from Louis... and in E1, towards Claudia.). The You & Me scene - scenes like this where there is such exquisite acting taking place without even the need for words to articulate it. Lestat's letter; when Dreamstat vanishes. Assad's Armand also often made me cry. In the Louvre! The ache at the heart of Armand wherein he has so much love to give truly, yet doesn't understand how to be loved or how to love and so this pure love instead twists into the most terrible, terrifying thing, like a knotted tree! Also S2E5. S2E5!!! OMG what perfect TV! And I adore in an abstract sense how utterly Anne Riceean that episode is, despite being mainly created for TV, with not that many of Anne's actual words in! (And I adore Jacob doing takedown of Lestat using Anne's words, especially that they used the bit that truly would wound Lestat most from the books - when he calls Lestat's playing emotionless!!!!!)

So in terms of emotion, I would give S2 the edge. In terms of overall arc, I would definitely say S1. I'm going to say it: I know a lot of people loved E7 & 8 the most in S2 and as you can tell by my 100-plus gifs, I adored the Loustat reunion... but The Trial didn't fully work for me. Which isn't a negative comment. It isn't that I didn't like it. There's just so much I don't understand about it. Which is fine - Louis doesn't understand the trial in IWTV... yet there is more feeling to The Trial in the book of IWTV from what he sees in Lestat - things he hasn't described before... Whereas here - I don't understand fully why or how Lestat is in Paris; how much is his own free will (before and after the trial); I don't fully understand Armand's feelings and motivations and desires. I don't understand what, if anything has gone on between Armand and Lestat. I don't fully understand Lestat and Armand's feelings or motivations or drives and so then it is hard to fully feel from it all. I also thought we'd get a lot more answers regarding memory with all the memory is a monster hints and it felt like all that was opening up in S2E5 only to... just not really happen much more or go anywhere big enough for me after that...?!

Yeah... a super-long answer to this question, in which I didn't really answer the question...

What do you all think/feel? I'm curious!

33: Any hobbies?

Well I guess I use music in my work, so we can't call it a hobby, but I have never done any personally creative thing with music and do not in any way consider myself a musician, so I do love to try to be creative musically, alone, as a hobby if I can drag myself from the pit of *you are an awful human who ought not exist* I obviously love film and TV and I love going to the theatre. I love to read. I used to be a dancer, aged 3-18. I really miss that. I don't dance now. I did ballet, tap, jazz, contemporary, Romanian, modern and Scottish dancing!

I actually think there is something to be said for doing hobbies you are terrible at though! Then you can try to find the joy in a thing as you did when you were a child, with zero expectation, as you still have the skill level of a child too! I did like to draw as a little child (only till age 8-ish and that's where my skill-level ended) but I always hated painting, even in school. I was scared of paint and how you can't control it! Sometimes, now though, I find it fun to paint. There's no expectation as it isn't something I can do. But I really recommend to anyone to try a hobby you're terrible at - it can be freeing.

Pretty embarrassing to share this when there are so many actual INCREDIBLE artists on Tumblr (I am in awe of you all), but I'll share it in order to truly show you I cannot art and also to say - do these things - it can be the truest escape. Like, if I try to create music, I know enough to know how terrible what I am doing is. But I know I am terrible at art and that is FINE! It's just for fun!

Say hello to my wee ghost in the sky friend! This was actually inspired by the film A Ghost Story. Actually, you know, Daniel Hart is the creative involved in Interview with the Vampire whose work I have known the longest! I first heard (& ADORED!) his music in the film Ain't Them Bodies Saints.

Anyway, that's more than anyone ever wanted to read on these two questions, I'm sure!!!

[king-of-colors]

happy birthday jeremy jordan!!

because it's his birthday, i drew jay gatsby climbing back over the fence after only tea. because i thought it was funny and it turned out better than i expected. colored version and uncolored.

also this. rip the quality (i traced the set pieces on the side and his silhouette guys, no i'm not that good at drawing)

now i'm going to yap about jeremy for far too many paragraphs, feel free to scroll past lmao

some of this may be inaccurate or out of order (or incoherent) because, honestly, i don't remember all the details of my jeremy journey (instinctively went to type 'jordan'-)

okay, so, although i've only known who he is for about seven months, i guarantee that watching hazbin hotel is one of the best decisions i could've ever made. because then i learned about jeremy, fell in love with his voice, then watched newsies. and so my love for musical theater was born and now i'm a complete and utter theater nerd (as many people who know me can tell you lmao).

because i have far too much free time, i will now construct a vague timeline of when i watched/discovered things jeremy's in. like i said, far too much free time.

i watched hazbin on april 1st and 2nd, binged it pretty fast lmao. completely didn't know beforehand that it was a musical, so that was a nice surprise. and, yeah, this lucifer guy, love him to death (haha). then this video popped up on my youtube home page, and i really like hazbin, so sure why not.

fast forward a bit, i looked at jeremy's imdb or wiki page and wait- huh? he's in tangled the series?? (which is actually a really funny coincidence, because a few years back, early on during the pandemic, i watched the first episode of tts. which is indeed the one with varian. so i'd actually heard him before). so i figured, why not watch that, i know jeremy jordan has a great voice.

sometime around here, i start watching yt vids of jeremy's performances. she used to be mine, it's all coming back to me now, all those. also gave the english concept album of death note a listen, since i'd seen it on jeremy's wiki page.

it's the end of april now, and i'm going somewhere with no wifi for a little over a week, so i download tts. (funny story, i accidentally didn't download the last two episodes, so i started s2, and was just confused. like huh?? i didn't see that happen.. my dumbass didn't realize that i was missing episodes until i was like a bit into s2. tragic)

few days in, i remember that i actually have newsies downloaded somewhere, and hey isn't jeremy jordan in that? (recognized it from aforementioned yt vid on hazbin actors) so i watch it and fuck yeah that was pretty good, loved the set especially.

(here's when i added santa fe to my playlist. before i watched newsies, actually.)

fast forward through may (honestly, may was a blur lmao). i finished tts, was briefly obsessed with wicked, discovered a few more projects jeremy was in (lsoh, b&c), found out he could've been in the greatest showman, watched la la land, finally gave chappell roan a listen. stuff like that.

june (and also july)! and, what's this? the great gatsby? (the first three releases) loved past is catching up to me, didn't realize roaring on was noah ricketts, etc. then the bonnie & clyde proshot (i managed to find a slime on yt, unfortunately it got deleted. i do have it downloaded if anyone wants it)

august. watched the last five years (i didn't know it was told backwards from her perspective and forward from his because i didn't read the summary. do you know how confused i was 💀)

september! one of the best months of my life ngl. saw the great gatsby on the 13th (and hamilton on the 25th). saw the whole cast except for noah ricketts (dan rosales was brilliant though). it was amazing bro, no other notes really. when i first saw him on stage, i nearly died, and then he started singing and i actually did /pos. everyone was so good, i can't even

and, yeah, here we are.

i don't know why i decided to make this post help 😭

if you read all this, thank you? i guess?

have a nice day and, idk, stop scrolling tumblr, take a break

[justjyve]

So... While I've not been the most active on a good day, more prone to dropping in and out and mainly become a blog to comment on the going ons with General Hospital and all that jazz... I've been caught up with the show, and do have things to say in my usual way... I felt it appropriate before any of that to talk about Billy Miller.

It still hurts.

I found out through a notification on my phone, a tweet / xeet from William DeVry noting the passing of Billy and as soon as I saw his name, an "oh no..." came out of me and I tapped that thing as quick as possible, hoping it was another Billy... but no.

It's so odd, shortly before that I was binging Justified and was so delighted when Billy popped up for an episode ( albeit, for a very not good guy ) and I was so happy to see him, which made me think about him and hoping we get to see him in some new series.

Oh, no, it hurts again.

I was a Jasam fan, back in the day, though with the whole Franco business I was more a fan of Sam. Jason was.... He was a character that I was souring on, though I appreciated the grief portrayed when he had "died". When it all unfolded that Jason was alive and coming back, I was excited, though more for Sam and what the story would bring. And then that first scene, when Danny wandered into the hospital room of "Jake Doe", that's when I first saw Billy.

I was skeptical about another actor portraying Jason, I think we all were, but when we went through the stages of Jake Doe, a man with amnesia, a new face ( I loved the explanation of that rather than just accepting he always looked like this ) and having some mysterious bond with those of Jason's past -- Sam, I'm talking about Sam, the fury I had for Elizabeth knowing who he was and keeping it a secret because "It's my turn" yeah I remember that shit, and then the revelation, the story was done so well. Not having "Jason" fall immediately to who he was but struggle with it. Gentle with Sam, them both taking it slow. We watched them fall in love again and I... I fell for his Jason. I fell for Billy. Because it was definitely not Steve Burton's Jason, definitely a 2.0 version, and I loved him. He was funny, he was warm, he was fierce and protective but not anywhere near "stone cold" but one open with his feelings. And that was all Billy to me. That's just how he was and I loved him and what he brought to the character.

He played a Jason that hated his past, his mistakes, and for all the Sam fans, he did what we wanted Jason to do so many times -- leave Sonny and the mob, for the woman he loved, went a different path, a safer one, and I was so happy for them.

And then Steve Burton came back, and they ruined that story, jasam 2.0's story, and it turns out Billy's Jason wasn't Jason, but Drew. All the things we loved about his Jason turned out not to be Jason, not to be the character development that I was so happy to see, and god, it was such shit, but Billy acted the fuck out of it and gave us Drew's turmoil of his whole life that he took so long to remember not even his.

So, I fell in love with Drew. Loved his character. Because I truly enjoyed watching Billy. And when Drew was written off, I mourned not only the character but not having to see Billy on my screen again. At least not on General Hospital.

When the show kept hinting at Drew being alive, I was so desperate for it to be Billy, though that was dashed but I did love the character, giving a chance.... Just not the same, though. Never would be, without him.

Suits was a blessing when I got into it and didn't know he was in it a few episodes, and that was a real treat. I wish we were blessed to see him more and more. He really was a bright spot in the acting community, in the soap community. I mourn that I never made it to any conventions to meet him and tell him how much I loved what he did on the show. I remember the video and I believe letter he put out when he left GH. A class act. So unbelievably kind. Such a bright smile.

And he's gone.

I keep tearing up at the thought. The realization. He's gone.

God, do you all remember "killy with kindness"? I don't even know this man, I can't imagine what those that knew him, loved him are feeling. Hudson put out a post about working with him and it broke my heart. So many lovely posts from his co-stars. His friends.

Breaks my heart now knowing he was in such a dark place, suffering from himself, that he saw no other way out...

I mourn the guy he was, the talent he had, the love he had to give and for others to give to him, I mourn what could have been, the what ifs, I mourn him.

I'll miss you, Billy Miller. You were wonderful.

[dontcallpanic]

rules: answer + tag 9 people you want to get to know better and/or catch up with

Tagged by @oldefashioned who is a constant ray of sunshine! Thanks so much for being lovely, I've given this one some attention.

Favorite color? Blue - any kind but especially that grey/dusk/purple blue. If that makes any sense.

Last song?

Y Cwilt by Mari Mathias

https://open.spotify.com/track/2Td8f7Gc3XfGo15wsxZFb9?si=q16BYt94RYOBjICGtvWGRQ

For anyone interested in Modern Welsh Folk (I know it's unlikely but I can't resist) here's a run down.

Y Cwilt (The Quilt) is about the comfort of telling stories, especially folk stories. In Wales the Welsh language was actually made illegal for a long, long time. The language and therefore the history and culture only survived through music and stories. I'm pretty sure the quilt is also a metaphor for patching together this history and the old stories to hold us together.

This is from Mari Mathias' album Annwn - Annwn is the Welsh Otherworld, where the giants, the fairies, fae, wild hunt and other strange creatures come from.

If anyone wants atmospheric Welsh witchcraft music (very niche I know) I can also recommend Pan O'wn y Gwanwyn (when I was in springtime) it's seriously haunting and spooky.

And Annwn, also by Mari Mathias where in the music video she gets turned into an owl.

Also Byta dy Bres (eat your money) by Gwilym Bowen-Rhys where just before the end it sounds like an actual curse on capitalism. It probably is...

They're all on Spotify.

Currently reading?

I got about 4 chapters in to Women who Run with the Wolves - Clarissa Pinkola Estès (which was very interesting but hard work) before I got distracted by fanfiction so here's the latest:

This is a follow up to the amazing Mongrel Minds https://archiveofourown.org/works/45540652

Summary:

Special Agent Derek Hale keeps himself locked down tight. He doesn't share his past and he doesn't share his feelings.

So what if he's been in love with his partner for years? They make a good team and he's got it under control.

However, when a case takes a turn and he finds himself back in California, he'll have to confront his past and his feelings whether he likes it or not.

Thoughts:

This has everything... FBI partners, magic!stiles, fake relationship/real feelings, strange new world, BAMF!Stiles and the whole world is so much fun (except Talia but somebody has to be the bad guy I suppose) and Stiles is hilarious.

Blood on the Blade is a continuation of the pure joy/fun vibe (with a tiny dose of angst). It's So Good I wrote an entire run down to my friend complete with my top 5 greatest Stiles moments. It's SO well written and so well described, please consider giving it a chance (provided it passes the tag check!)

Currently watching?

I'm about two seasons in to Superman and Lois but I struggle watching TV these days. It's hard finding the time.

That said, I did binge Fallout... Which I loved!

I'm also watching Clarksons farm because while I don't particularly like Clarkson, I am a country farm girl at heart and I miss the farm year.

And there's a few series that have recently come out I'm curious to watch.

Currently craving?

Coffee flavoured ice cream - and maybe a doughnut.

Coffee or tea?

Coffee in the morning, tea in the afternoon

I don't know 9 people!!! But I'd really like to know any mutuals better! So if you see this and you want to give it a go, please do and let me know!

[rosicheeks]

Tbh, I've never watched Adventure Time. It's been on my list but I'm not sure if I can get into the art style and the lot. What appeals to you about it? I really like Infinity Train, Steven Universe, She-Ra, Batman the Animated Series, and Gargoyles if any of those similar enough? Oh. And The Owl House.

OH BOY I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY

this is gonna be my first time I don’t ramble in the tags cause I want to include everything and not leave anything out!

Ok ok ok so I didn’t think I’d like adventure time either. I just watched it for the first time this past year and ever since I’ve been obsessed with it! The entire universe is just so good. I’m amazed it’s a kids show. There are just some parts and episodes that get trippy and super DARK but most of it is a happy go lucky show

And then there’s MORE! There’s Adventure Time: Distant Lands and Fionna and Cake 😍😍😍

Which again I was very skeptical about cause Fionna and Cake weren’t my favorite episodes in adventure time but they did an AMAZING job with it.

I’ve been rewatching Adventure Time cause there’s just so much to it? They’re only 10ish minute episodes but they jam pack those episodes my dude it’s crazy what they fit in 10 minutes.

Some episodes are super fucking random and make no sense and other episodes (usually towards the end of the series) are actually about the story. And it might just be because I’m usually smoking or high when I watch it but I don’t fully remember everything that happens. Some of these episodes I’ve rewatched and it feels like a brand new episode????

Not sure if any of this makes sense tbh

It’s honestly not like any of those shows but I kinda think it’s in the same ball park? It’s like if those shows were from Cartoon Network.

I’ve watched She-Ra, Owl House (I’m on the last episode and I don’t want it to end!!!!), Gravity Falls (which if you haven’t seen you DEFINITELY need to watch cause it’s on the same wavelength as owl house and has some of the same voice actors) and also really like Harley Quinn the animated series (if you’ve heard or seen that) and love all of them with my whole heart 🫶🫶🫶

1000/10 recommend at least trying a few episodes! Like I said they’re only 10 min and man oh man they are so good!

I will say that I binge watched a lot of them and now the ending song will be stuck in my head for the rest of my days. Also I got very very annoyed that they were so short and went by so damn fast!

BuuuUuUuUuUt when they came out with distant lands and fionna and cake I was THRILLED cause they are longer episodes and they go more into the story of the universe of adventure time and the characters.

[nataliescatorccio]

hi becca! i hope you're doing okay! i've been thinking about fandoms and streaming a lot these days and how much more enjoyable watching TV shows was.

do you think streaming killed fandoms and the whole culture(? not sure what to call it) of watching shows? because we used to wait weeks for 1 episode and we could theorise and write fanfic and discuss things etc vs now we get a whole season in one day and if you don't watch it immediately, oh well, get ready to be spoiled. and honestly i hate the way it is now sometimes i just don't want to spend 12 hours straight watching a new season, but i can't possibly blacklist and avoid every single spoilers. i still want to be on the Internet and talk to my friends and not live in fear of when i'm getting spoiled (okay that's a bit of an exaggeration but you know). and of course there are still fanfictions and fanart and beautiful gifs, but everything comes at you all at once. you can't even digest anything. i'm forgetting new shows faster because i watch the whole thing in one sitting and i don't even process a lot of it and i just forget later on. maybe it's just a me thing though... but to me, even if i hated waiting because something ended in a cliffhanger, 1 episode per week was so much better. it kept me excited for next week, i could read theories, discussions, read fanfic about something that was completely different from what happened in the next episode. it was so fun. and i feel like fandoms who were getting their content 1 episode per week live(d) longer? everything is getting cancelled nowadays after like 1 day of streaming and it's hard to find people you can follow who still engage and are present in the fandom...

hi anon! had a busy few days but it's friday now and the weekend and that has definitely brightened my mood- i hope it has yours too!

i completely think that streaming has a lot to answer in the way our consumption of media has changed, and i really do believe that extends to fandom culture too for all the reasons you've highlighted. i made a mini rant on this a couple of years ago and it picked up traction and got a lot of interesting additions on this topic which i really wish i could find now, but to summarise there was a lot of talk about how bingeing and binge culture has been detrimental to fandom spaces because of the rush to consume media and move on to the next big thing. we don't have the time to appreciate media anymore, and most of us feel more dissatisfied with what's produced because we rush through to an ending that that doesn't feel fulfilling simply because we haven't had time to sit with the storyline. no one wants too get to attached to anything because the reign of fandom feels so short lived, either because it's cancelled or because the strains of producing quickly consumable storylines take its toll on everyone working to create the content that they can't sustain the standard expected.

i really miss weekly releases too and some of the most enjoyable series i've watched in the past year have included the last of us and house of the dragon which were released an episode by week, and it was just so nice to be within that fandom space. even though most people knew what was going to happen within these storylines because they're adaptations which meant little speculation, it still brought people together to discuss and digest what they'd watched and also create. creating takes time and often feels exhausting when everything is thrown at you all at once and you're not the fastest person to get your ideas out there, instead weekly releases allowed creators to notice details and curate art around that. i do wonder if in the future the pendulum is going to swing back towards weekly releases because of the level of engagement, and therefore profit that surrounds engagement, that surrounds it. i'd really like it to, because i do think binge culture comes with a lot of problems, and i don't just mean in an online world because the recent strikes have highlighted how the attitude of 'i can consume this and throw it away' is having huge impacts on people's livelihoods

[paintedrecs]

I don't think it's entirely fair to blame binging for ruining fandom culture though; I've binged a ton of things over the past few years and continue to be entirely obsessed with them while others in fandom tap out early.

It's frustrating, yeah. Is it happening because I can watch a whole season on Netflix in a few days? For me, no.

I like being able to watch things all in one go. Right now I'm waiting for the rest of JJK Season 2 to be done so I can watch it all at once, instead of waiting and getting frustrated by it being chopped up week after week. I enjoy it more that way. I feel like I get a fuller experience when it's all one long narrative I can enjoy at my own pace.

And when something's releasing week by week I honestly will forget to go back to it and might not ever finish, which means I'm less invested in the long run and never really become a huge, active fan.

People engage with things in different ways, and I think there are other factors at play in fandom's inability to have an attention span that lasts more than a month.

For example: I'm still buying Promare merchandise. It's been years since the movie came out. I've never stopped liking it.

The Promare discord I was in was wildly active for a while then abruptly stopped. Fans churned out art and fics - and there were pins and charms and standees and prints and everyone was eager to buy things...then they tossed them all for the next fixation.

I see this happen in fandom after fandom, but you can't even blame Promare's on binge culture because it wasn't a series, so all you could do was watch the movie once. (Or over and over and over again in theaters like I did until covid hit.)

I think people are just fickle.

It's true as well that we have lot more exposure to media in general now, so regardless of how fast or how gradually episodes of a show release, there will ALWAYS be something else available to pull our attention away.

I have no idea how to fix any of that, or if this is just the way fandom is now. All I know is that once I like something, I pretty much like it forever, so I'm not really going anywhere.

"binge-worthy show" man fuck that

i want my shows one episode followed by a whole ass week of going a little insane over it with the people on my phone, writing fics theorizing and going over every single scene through amazing gifs and meta, before the next ep drops and the cicle begins anew

[loyslibrary]

Book Updates <3

Heyyy.

So I keep forgetting to write these after i finish my book oops.

Anyway, I did finish Simply Mine by Laura Pavlov, which is the 4th book in the Honey Mountain series, which, yes, I have been binge reading these past few weeks, and i am about half way through the last one.

Loved the whole best friend's brother trope in this book, I haven't read that trope in a long time.

I'm pretty sure I was scarred by Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover because it was just terrible i cannot put into words how much i disliked that book lolllll.

Tbh I think that's the only CoHo book I've ever finished so I think that tells you all you need to know about what I think of her books (no offense).

Anyway, back to the topic at hand, Ledger and Charlie's banter was really fun to read, and the mutual pining was just to dieeee for. Very adorable.

Can't believe I'm already at the end of this series but it has been so fun to read, and I truly recommend it to anyone who love to read romance (and spicy books).

Almost forgot, in anticipation of seeing the new Hunger Games movie on Friday (I am beyond excited!!), I bought the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins because I love to have read the book versions of these kinds of movies (I did the same with the Maze Runner series).

It is decently long so I will have to power through it because i only have two days to read it!!

Again, do check out my TikTok for some book inspo!

Love to anyone reading this <3

Loy xxx

[gooperblooper]

i started binge rewatching doctor who a few days ago, i told myself i actually wanted to watch some past series 6 cuz that's when i stopped keeping up with it years back

but i just finished series 4 and adjshgjfhg i forgot how much it wraps up everything so perfectly :((( i'd still like to watch all of the 11th doctor and at least some of the 12th finally but going on after 10 just feels like starting over completely since the whole cast is different and i know nothing will ever hit like 9/10 and rose and FUCK

[risingroleakira]

Help, it's again.

Time to rewrite this introduction post cause a few things have changed :V

Hey there fellow Critters! My name is Rose, and this is my Critical Role sideblog. (they/he pronouns)

About me: I'm a queer artist with a lot of free time, but not enough functioning braincells to use it properly.

I like to draw/paint, play videogames, worldbuild, tend to my OCs, daydream to music - all that good stuff.

My timezone is Central European Standard Time. Most of the time I'm somewhat nocturnal, especially in the days surrounding new CR episodes, but my sleep schedule also flips around a ton and might differ from day to day.

This is my sideblog, risingroleakira, mainly for Critical Role content and discussions of adjacent series. This includes Candela Obscura and MIDST. For my artwork, visit my art blog, risingroseart ...and maybe drop some reblogs while you're there! (This blog also includes my critical role art. I don't update it very often however, so alternatively visit my Artfol - also not perfectly up-to-date but definitely better) For my very messy main blog, where I mostly just reblog random stuff, visit risingroseakira.

Critical Role related info:

When did I start watching?

I caught the first half of C3E1 as it aired, then had to stop watching and take a break for a while due to external life stuff. A couple months later I binged the rest of that and all the other episodes that had aired since then.

What campaigns/series have I watched?

Finished or up-to-date: > Critical Role C3 as it airs > 4-Sided Dive as it airs > EXU:Calamity > EXU:Kymal > Candela Obscura Arc 1 - Circle of the Vassal and the Veil > MIDST Season 1 Work in Progress: > Watched Campaign 1's original version of the Briarwood Arc, as I cannot watch TLOVM due to the visual violence that I can't stomach. > After several attempts over the past few years, I finally have a successful attempt at C2. I haven't finished yet, and I've very much slowed down (or rather, stopped for a bit and am now slowly progressing again), but as of writing, I'm all the way up to C2E128.

Will be watching as it airs: > Candela Obscura Arc 2 - Circle of the Needle and the Thread > MIDST Season 2

Current favorite player characters? (spoilers ahead for the stuff I've watched)

> Ashton and Orym. I love all of the hells, so they're all included in this list, but out of all of them these two are easily at the top. There is strength, but there is pain; there is pain, but there is strength. Like vines, we grow together.

> Caleb. I don't think there's too much to say here, we all love him. Easily my favorite of the Nein, no question.

> Fjord and Caduceus The former the only bitch (/aff) I actually have merch for, the latter an aroace icon hehe. I love them both

> Dorian. It's 🎶been a while🎶since we've seen him, but as most of us do I miss the blue boy. At the start of C3 he was my favorite of the Bells Hells, and now I just miss him so much. > ..Most of the Bells Hells party, really. Between the lot of them it shifts around frequently. Ashton and Orym are pretty much constantly at the top, but it's generally almost the whole group that I love. >Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski De Rolo III. that was from memory, i refuse to not use his full name lol Look, I may not know most of C1, but the Briarwood arc, his design and what we saw of him in C3 were enough. I like that bastard too much to not put him here > Cerrit Agrupnin. I love the entire EXU: Calamity party, but Cerrit is easily my favorite. The Brass Ring endures.

> August/Auggie and Charlotte The Vassal and the Veil and these two in particular mean so much to me

Current favorite NPCs?

Lord Eshteross in C3 was at the top for a long time. Imahara Joe and Captain Xandis are also high up, and I love Milo so much,,, and NPC-Keyleth, obviously. In terms of C2, well, who doesn't enjoy Pumat (plural). I also quite like Yussa. But, of course, the blorbo of the NPCs is Essek

Favorite characters to draw or paint?

Ashton, hands down. I haven't really gotten to draw a lot of characters from CR other than Ashton and FCG, but like. come on. How can you not love drawing the nonbinary punk rock. How can you not enjoy painting their colorful gem and crystal hair and golden cracks and funky eyes and- Anyway that's my introduction post! I’d love to meet some fellow critters - especially newbies that love the Bells Hells as well, seeing as I’m a bit anxious in these types of long-lasting fandoms and therefore more comfy with people who are also a bit new to everything. Still - feel free to say hi whether new or old fan of cr! :]

If you watch the Pixelist Podcast, I'm on their discord every Thursday and during other CR related streams, chatting in the CR text chats. Feel free to say hi there!!