#i keep finding myself in increasingly obscure holes. here i am holing around

[corpsentry]

i have derailed myself. down terrible for shaoshang xinghancanlan lltg and speedrunning both parts as fast as possible with my mother. we um. binged 30 episodes in the last five days………….. me when the hetero period drama is treated not like a trashy ya novel where everyone has big eyes small face (listening to 银河漫漫盼归期 on the bus to jb like a weirdo) it is hard to put into words the sheer kind of resignation i have approached the xianxia/wuxia/general chinese period drama genre with for the past few years as after cql and woh we watched love between fairy and devil and til the end of the moon and who rules the world and dawg that shit made me Cry…. after much thought i have come to the realization that i have a personal vendetta against stories that only progress because there are 1) evil characters and 2) stupid characters i.e. there is blinding frustrating cheek gnawing cruelty askance but that shit just keeps looping because the protagonists are sooooo nice — that is to say, STUPID AS BALLS— and don’t assert themselves. xinghancanlan (and the drama we finished just before, xihuazhi (blossoms into adversity (dogshit english localized titles, i sob)) is so incredibly fucking refreshing on a basic storytelling level because it doesn’t linger. no misery porn (see: love between fairy and devil, til the end of the moon), no dragging out the jealous cousin who keeps torturing the protag and co, instead the plot! just! keeps! moving! it’s got places to go! and it motherfucking goes to them. god i want to eat til the end of the moon’s flashbacks alive anyway (separate story, very long) xinghancanlan also does so many levels of character storytelling and it does it like HELL the amount of care given to each parent child relationship in particular lord i haven’t seen a parent child relationship written with such nuance and care in a long time, if ever, as the one between shaoshang and her mom there is no villain!!! everything is terrible!!!! art imitates reality. and then you get her and her dad, ling buyi and the whole situation going on over there, the emperor, even wang ling’s family— these are not archetypes. they’re people. and that’s so nice. that the homies over there produced a show that lingers not on the agonizing nail ripping sobfests but on how hard it is to be a person

and then there is the fact of the production itself. not to fist my own ass or pat this one’s but this show approaches scene writing and transitions the way i approach my own writing and i have never seen that in any tv series let alone a chinese period drama where girl meets guy and it goes so FUCKIN HARD. i give example. character A and B gossip about character C for a brief period. “C is such a whiny bitch,” B says (this is a close-up shot). cut immediately to a close-up shot of C whining to D, and then one of D replying. just like that we have transitioned between place, time, and characters with this kind of fun witty filmography and writing that makes it feel like this scene is a continuation of the last due to the same style of face to face interrogation. but we are in an entirely different place

or, abruptly there is a scene of violence and brutality yet unseen in the show. it fades to black, and character H shudders awake at her desk. “i just had a terrible dream,” she says. but the scene after that is a continuation of the violence and brutality of earlier and we come to realize that this is very much a real moment in the story. the audience has been played by an inverse ‘it was just a dream’. it was not just a dream. even though it was shocking and gruesome. the story is moving to new places now

and more generally, the score reminds me so strongly of beijing opera with the way the music describes and foreshadows minute gestures; shifting eyes, a tic in the left hand, the slightest drop of one’s shoulders. there are new and interesting, relevant, thought provoking transitions in each scene. the framing of shots emphasizes specific character emotions and mental scapes. and shanjian is an emotionally repressed loser. it’s just so. so. (howling for 85 years). fucking dazzling to see a piece of art that has clearly been made with such care, my guys. and also is fun to watch. and is obviously having fun itself. i am reminded of the ways in which art can save people’s hearts as this saves mine. and shaoshang makes me want to cry, is such a hot mess and not at all one, gives so few shits and altogether too many, is just learning how to hold the love that others give her without trying to call it something else-/ she is so tender. i’m throw myself off a cliff right now. all day i have been wandering around jb muttering to myself about the beautiful and good things in the world. it can change your life to see someone smile even if it is fictional character cheng shaoshang from xinghancanlan. cannot stop thinking about this damn show. thank u for listening

[steampoweredstrawberry]

Fic request: pre-relarionship; f!hawke & anders have to pretend to be a couple for some sort of undercover mission; UST, shenanigans & teasing from the gang ensue 👀

A Delicate Balance

Fandom: Dragon Age II

Pairing: Fhanders

Rating: PG-13 (Some swearing, implications of sex)

NOTES: Okay, so sexy bits just aren’t working for me right now. If you want a completed love scene, I’ll gladly write one when the characters are behaving themselves. Also, I used my custom Hawke. I hope that’s okay.

It was a lovely party, Anders observedas he stood with a flute of something pale-yellow and bubbly,chatting about current events with people he didn't believe he knew.The masks made it hard to tell. Claudia Hawke was on his hip, hergloved fingers wrapped gently around his forearm, playing the part ofhis demure wife. It was the role they were forced to take in order tomaneuver the ballroom undetected. Claudia's name carried weight thesedays, and she would be of no use as a spy if she was constantly beingbombarded by the other nobles with marriage proposals, or whereverelse they wanted from her.

She looked lovely that evening, drapedin silks, with jewels and gold hanging from her collar bone andknuckles. A picture of high society wealth and beauty. The mask shewore obscured her face, but he could still catch glimpses of therouge on her cheeks and her painted red lips. He could have admiredher all night. Not just the way she looked—and she lookedbeautiful—but how she navigated the nobles with an air of gracethat she lacked when wearing her blood-stained leathers. Later, hewas sure they would all hear about how difficult it was to keep upthe facade while bound in a corset like a stuffed sausage and whilewearing heels on top of that.

But for now, she was the picture of anoblewoman.

And it was increasingly difficult topay attention to conversation as a result.

Claudia squeezed his forearmdiscreetly, her signal to let him know that she needed to speak withhim privately. That he neededto direct them out of the conversation and into somewhere where theycould discuss whatever it was that she had on her mind. Andersscanned the floor quickly. Most of the exits from the room weremanned by guards. One of them was Aveline, disguised in their armorin order for her to play the field and gather any useful information.He was unaware which one was her, however, and was unwilling togamble on it. The dance floor was hardly occupied, he observed in astroke of luck. They could mask their conversation with dancing.

Anders discretelymotioned towards the dance floor while their conversation partnersweren't paying attention. He received a solitary nod in response.

“This has been afascinating conversation,” Started Anders; he took the moment toplace his glass onto a nearby table, “but I promised my wife adance, and I believe it is time that I make good on it.”

The men they hadbeen speaking with murmured in understanding, giving Anders anopportunity to lead Claudia to the dance floor by pressing his handinto the small of her back and guiding her there.

Anders had someexperience with dancing. When he was with the Wardens, his commanderwas insistent upon all of them learning a couple of waltzes, or otherformal dances, in the event that they were invited to parties such asthe one he was currently attending. For once, it would actually payoff.

Claudia, however,tensed.

“I don't know howto dance.” She whispered hastily to him as the dance floor drewnearer with each step they took. He could see her eyes growing widefrom the eye holes in her mask. She was nervous.

“It will be fine,just follow my lead.” He reassured, mimicking her tone. “Theworst thing that can happen is you step on my toes and make a fool ofyourself in a room full of people you'll never see again.”

“I alreadyoccasionally step on your toes during battle and make a fool ofmyself in front on strangers.”

“Then you havenothing to worry about.”

There was a pausefor contemplation. “Good point.”

Anders turned heraround, so that she was facing him, and he replaced his hand onto thesmallest part of her back. Her body was pressed into his enough towhere her warmth spread over him and he could smell the perfume andhair tonics she wore specifically for that night. It was pleasant andinviting. They joined hands, which caused Anders to notice how smallhers were in comparison.

The music startedup. Luckily, something with a nice change and easy to dance to.Claudia followed along, though with wooden movements and a lack ofself assurance.

“I think theComte hosting this party is planning on attempting a coup on ViscountDumar.” Claudia said, though her speech was muffled from herkeeping her eyes downcast and on her feet.

“A coup?” Heasked, leading her into a turn. “Where did you hear this?”

They had been ateach others side all night; it would have been difficult for her tohear something that he had not.

“One of theservants.” Her eyes flickered up towards him, where their gazes metmomentarily. He felt his face grow hot from the eye contact, thoughfelt fortunate that she couldn't see it due to the mask he wore.

She looked backdown at her feet. “While you were talking to those men earlier, Iwas eavesdropping on a conversation. Some of the servants are passingmessages between the guests planning the coup. From the sounds of it,they're intending the attack sometime next week.”

“We should tellthe others, then. To stop it before it begins.”

“Agreed.”Another pause. “Can we finish dancing first?”

Anders saidnothing, but continued leading her through the dance. Claudia waspicking it up quickly, though was still rather awkward with some ofthe transitions and steps. It was cute, how self-conscious she wasbeing and how she'd occasionally glance up at him to gauge whethershe was doing a good job.  And if their eyes met in one of thoseinstances, she was always quick to pulling her attentionelsewhere—usually back to her feet.

When the musicslowed, and then transitioned into something easier to talk over, hewas left standing there a moment, arm still wrapped around her waist.Claudia was staring up at him, reddened lips slightly parted. Like aninvitation for a kiss. For a split second, he imagined himself takingthat offer, tasting her in a manner that he had fantasized about forthree long years, there, in a room full of strangers.

For a split second,he fooled himself into believing she was engaged in a similar fantasyabout him. But, he knew that a woman like Claudia Hawke would neverwant a man like him. Not when every other man trying to passflirtations to her while playing it off as pleasant banter waswealthier than him, better looking than him, and could give her somesemblance of a normal life.

In a room full ofbeautiful people, Anders acknowledged that he never stood a chance.

Not when he waspossessed and had no promises of a future to offer her.

He broke away fromher hastily, quick enough where he would have forfeited his characterif Claudia wasn't quick to taking his hand tenderly in order to keepup the image of a happy married couple. Even through the gloves, herhand was warm and familiar. She came in at once, going so far as tostand on her tip toes so that she may whisper in his ear.

“I'll go speakwith Isabela, Fenris, and Merrill. You go see Varric and Aveline.Tell them to meet us on the balcony overlooking the gardens.”

Anders nodded whenthey departed, and went to find Varric; it shouldn't have been hard,given he wore no disguise and was usually the center of attention atgatherings.

***

Isabela wasn'tterribly difficult for Claudia to spot. She was near one of therefreshment tables, sipping on spirits while eager suitors tried tocoerce her into a dance or a stroll through the gardens. Isabeladeflected them all, either by paying more attention to either Merrillor Fenris—whomever was nearer at the time—or ignoring themcompletely. She was on her very best behavior, though Claudiawouldn't have faulted the woman if she chose to brawl with them; shecould only imagine what it must have felt like to have people piningfor you constantly due to your “exotic” look.

One such suitor wastrying his had and being the one to convince Isabela to go off withhim when she spotted Claudia. She quickly shoved her drink in hishands and announced rather loudly that she was going to speak with afriend and did not desire to be followed. This, naturally, led toMerrill and Fenris following.

“How is it goingso far?” Asked Isabela, wasting no time.

“I can't breathe,my feet hurt, and I'm tired of smiling and being nice to nobles.”

“Youare a noble.” Fenrisreminded her.

“Yes, well...Ilike to think I am a more palatable sort. Less turning my nose up.”

Isabela chuckled.“You'll get used to it one day. The corset, I mean. I don't thinkyou can ever become used to nobles.”

“Did you havesomething you wanted to tell us?” Fenris got straight to the point.Claudia respected that about him.

“Yes. I overheardsome things earlier that I need to share. Not here, though. We're allgoing to meet on the balcony overlooking the gardens so I can briefyou all. Anders is already telling Aveline and Varric to meet usthere.”

“Speaking ofAnders,” Began Isabela while she gestured towards the other end ofthe ballroom, “look.”

Claudiadiscreetly turned her head to look in the direction Isabelasuggested. Anders was speaking with Varric. But, he wasn't looking atVarric. He was looking at Claudia. Her heart skipped a beat at thesight. Still, she knew better than to think he was watching herspecifically. He probably just wanted to make sure that she found theothers without any trouble.

“So?” SpatClaudia defensively. “I bet he just wanted to make sure I found thethree of you.”

“Mmhmm.” PurredIsabela softly, clearly not believing a word of what Claudia said.Neither Merrill nor Fenris seemed convinced, either. Claudiadiminished among them. “The both of you have been taking this whole'married couple' act pretty seriously. Holding one another close,gazing lovingly into each others eyes, subtle touches and secretglances you hope no one else notices. Don't play coy, Claudia.”

“Be nice,Isabela.” Chided Merrill sweetly. The jade and turquoise tones ofher dress were doing wonders for her, Claudia observed. “They lookso happy together.”

“Thanks,Merrill.” Grumbled Claudia, knowing that she didn't earn any pointsin her favor with what was said. Still, she wondered if it had reallybeen that obvious. Sure, she had been stealing glances at himwhen she thought he wasn't looking. Anders was always the picture ofa fine man, even in his raggedy coat and elbows-deep in refugees inneed of healing. But tonight, he looked like the prince in the fairystories her mother would tell her and her siblings before bed. And,his sandalwood and elfroot smell had a way of intoxicating herthoughts and making it hard to concentrate on anything outside ofhim.

She liked him in a'more than friends' sort of way, that much was true regardless of hismanner of dress or his cologne. However, spirits were flowing and herinhibitions were lowered; little heed was paid in making it less thanglaringly obvious.  

“Oh, please.”Spat Isabela. Her amused smirk betrayed the ferocity in her tone.“All of Kirkwall knows that you want to sleep with each other. Itmakes me sexually frustrated just thinking of it. You shouldinvite him in for a drink tonight and get it over with.”

“Okay, enough.”Argued Claudia. Her face was surely growing red under the mask fromembarrassment. “Let's just get to the balcony and meet with theothers so that we can figure out how to proceed.”

***

When Anders arrivedto the balcony, everyone else was waiting. There was some chatterbelow, from the gardens where guests were sneaking away to stealprivate moments with one another. Other than that, only Isabelaspoke, feathering flirtations between both Merrill and Fenris.Aveline stood by the door, looking staunch and proud and stillcompletely armored. He almost didn't believe it was her, if not forthe scolding she gave to Claudia when she expressed envy in one ofthe guest's hair pins down in the garden and the subsequent curiosityabout whether or not she could steal it off of her person without thewoman noticing. Varric narrated the exchange, much to both women'sdismay.

His presence withthem caught Claudia's attention more than a shiny bauble she coveted,which caused her to clear her throat and peel her attention from whatwas happening below. She pressed her hands together in preparation.

“I believe someof the guests at this party are planning to overthrow ViscountDumar.” Her tone of voice was hushed, barely loud enough for thosepresent to hear her. “Some of the guests were relaying informationto the servants for them to pass to other guests. I didn't hear anynames, though.”

“I heard some ofthe servants chattering among themselves about this as well.”Admitted Aveline. Her armor clanked as she adjusted which footcarried her weight. “I could look into it in the morning. I haveaccess to public records, which would allow me to see who hasbusiness with one another. It would give us a chance to narrow downour suspect list.”

Claudia rested herback against the banister. “I'll need you to work quick; if what Iheard is reliable, we only have about a week before they plan toact.”

“I could call onsome of my contacts.” Varric's suggestion came with a flourish ofhis wrist. “One of them might know something about this coup.”

“Great. I'll meetwith you sometime in the afternoon or evening tomorrow, then. I'llstop by the barracks tomorrow and help as much as I can. If I'm luckyand get to the bottom of this, perhaps the Viscount will commission astatue of me.”

“Again with thestatue?” Groaned Aveline. “Give it a rest, Hawke.

“Ideally, I'dlike it placed opposite of the Gallows, and making an obscenegesture. You know, so everyone in Kirkwall is reminded that theTemplars can kiss my ass.”

Anders couldn'thelp the smirk that crossed his lips at her babbling.

“I take it we'redone, then.” Fenris didn't sound much like he was asking. Butrather, demanding that they finish soon. Anders bristled, but saidnothing; he wasn't about to be the one to start a fight.

“We can probablycall it a night. Of course, if you'd rather stay and rub elbows withthe nobles, who am I to—“

“—No, that'snot necessary.”

“I thought so.”Said Claudia with a snort. “Well, it's been a...an evening, but Iwant to get out of this blighted dress. I'll see some of youtomorrow.”

There was amurmuring of 'good nights' as Claudia headed back towards the ballroom. Everyone else was readying to leave as well; the others, saveVarric, all headed out after her. It was then that Ander caught hislook, accented with a wicked grin on his face and a troubling twinklein his eye.

“So, Blondie,when were you planning on telling me about you and Hawke?” Herested against a pillar, grin nearly doubling in size. Anders'stomach churned uncomfortably; he knew where this line of questioningwas going.

Anders walked overto the banister and rested his forearms on it. It was a lovely night,one where you could see every star twinkling in the sky. The sort ofnight he fantasized about seeing when he was little more than a boytrapped in a tower.

“What about her?”He feigned ignorance, hoping Varric would drop the subject if he did.

“You know exactlywhat I mean.” Varric peeled himself from the pillar and joinedAnders at the banister. “She's hanging off your arm all night,looking at you like you were the only two people left in Thedas.”

Anders' ears glowedred at the prospect, but he shrugged it off as best he could. Hedidn't need to remind himself that he was bad for Claudia, and thatshe could easily find a better lover. Not when Justice was eager todo the honors.

“Claudia doesn'twant me.” He said aloud, though mostly for himself. “Why wouldshe?”

Varric groaned.“You're killing me, Blondie! Just go...offer to walk her home, orsomething. I don't know...just stop this whole 'I'm no good' pityparty and actually do something to convince her that you areworth her time.”

“But, what aboutJustice, or the fact that I'm an apostate with nothing to offer her?”

A snort. “I'd saythose things turn her on, with how she was looking at you all night. And always.Just...just go offer to walk her home. She probably didn't get toofar in those shoes.”

Anders begrudginglyfollowed after Claudia, who, as Varric predicted, had not made it toofar. She seemed surprised to see him, to say the least, but acceptedhim taking a place at her hip with no argument against it.

They walked out ofthe building together, not a word exchanged between them, but hisintent was clear enough, given her lack of questioning. Anders didn'tknow what to say. Neither did Claudia, for that matter. He wasn'tsure if he wanted her to say much of anything. If she did, he fearedit would be an affirmation that they were, and only ever would be,friends.

Still, he couldn'thelp the stolen glances, or the way his breath hitched and heart spedup whenever she looked his way.

She removed hermask when they were within sight of her home. Bits of her red hairspilled out from the updo in the process. Anders followed suit,relishing in the sensation of the night hair hitting his skin as hedid so.

At her door,Claudia hesitated in saying goodnight and letting herself in. Shelooked somewhere—anywhere but his face—for the answer to thequestion she wouldn't say. Her fingers flexed around the doorknobanxiously.

“Do you want tocome in for a drink?” She asked modestly. It was foreign on hertongue. They both knew this. “You can take the basement entranceout so that you don't have to walk through the whole city, as well.”

Under differentpretenses, Anders would have been sure that she was inviting him infor more than a drink. Men and women alike had offered him similar,and it usually ended with him in their beds. Claudia wasn't likethat, or at least, she didn't think of him like that, he remindedhimself as he struggled to find the right words. Even so, he feltthat he would have been an idiot to not take her offer.

“Sure. Thatsounds nice.”

***

Claudia let themboth in with the key she had stashed in her dress. It was completelysilent within the estate, except for Ser Biscuit's thunderous snoringin the parlor. Everyone else must have been in bed. She led himthrough the vestibule and into the study, though not without placinga finger to her lips in an effort to remind him to be silent, notthat he really needed to be told.

She guided him tothe study, where the liquor was kept. Claudia set her mask down,grabbed two of the glasses from the mantle, and a decanter filledwith an amber-colored liquid. She handed one glass to Anders, beforesetting the other down on the desk so that she may pull the stopperout and pour them both a shot. The decanter was abandoned on the deskwhen she took up her own glass.

They were bothquietly avoiding speech or eye contact, making the situation moreuncomfortable than it had to be. Claudia shifted, hoping beyondanything that she could find the right words to say; being aroundAnders in such an intimate setting always had a way of leaving hertongue-tied.

Anders took a smallsip of the liquor and swirled his glass around uncomfortably. He mether gaze, but not without a sheepish look that pleaded with her tomake this easier than it was currently.

“I...I don'tthink I ever thanked you properly. For everything you do for themages in Kirkwall, I mean. You don't have to stick your neck outthere for us, but you do.”

Claudia's defaultin this situation was simple: empty flirting. Her grip tightenedaround her glass when the words wouldn't come. Couldn't come. Amillion thoughts buzzed around her head, telling her to throw cautionto the wind and just tell him how she felt. But, there was still apart of her that was little more than a scared child, self-consciousabout how he would take it.

So, she smiled in adisingenuous fashion as a way to hide her bleeding heart. “What canI say?” Claudia said with a shrug. The usage of her lilting,sweetest voice and hooded eyes was purely subconscious. “I have athing for scrappy underdogs.”

“Stop.” Andersdemanded bluntly. He took several paces away from her, far enough towhere he was able to place his glass on the mantelpiece. “I'vetried to hold back. You saw what I almost did to that girl. You'veseen what I am. But I'm still a man. You can't tease me like this andexpect me to resist forever.”

Claudia discardedher glass swiftly onto the desk and followed after him. There wasstill some space between them, perhaps only an arms' length. Shedidn't know what she was doing, what was driving her. But, she knewwhat she felt, and that was sweaty palms, her heart beating soferociously and with such strength that she feared her rib cage wouldsnap under the pressure, and the fluttering of the butterflies in herstomach. The same butterflies that were always there whenever he wasnear, when he smiled or laughed. Or when their hands would brush pastone another and she for sure believed that he was grappling for hersto hold.

Or all the timesthey were moments from engaging one another in a kiss and he turnedaway before they could.

“I don't want youto resist.” Claudia protested.

He was facing thewall, staring ahead and not at her. But, something in him changedwhen she said that. His grip on his mask went limp, so limp that henearly dropped it. Anders didn't turn to look at her, but from theway his body seemed to ease, she knew she had his attention.

“Andraste's tits,Anders, I never wanted you to resist.”

There was a momentof hesitation.

Only a moment.

The mask dropped tothe floor, and the sound of Anders' heavy footfalls on the woodflooring as he approached graced Claudia's ears before the sight ofhim swiftly approaching met her eyes. His hands gripped either sideof her face. Firmly, but not with malice. She was driven backwardsuntil she made contact with the wall behind her. Claudia wasn'tfighting it, she was just caught off-guard.

Their lips met inan explosion of unbridled passion. Anders devoured her over andagain, his body molding against hers, as close as two people couldpossibly get with their clothes still on. Claudia balanced on thetips of her toes in order to receive more of his kiss and to feel thethree years of barely-contained desire wash over her. He tastedslightly still of the liquor, but she craved it. Claudia was drunk onit and her head swam with his scent, and his touch, and his taste. Itwas too much and yet not enough in the same breath.

When Anders finallybroke their kiss, he sighed in complete satisfaction just before hebegan stroking her cheek tenderly with the heel of his thumb. Hislips were tinted slightly red with the lipstick she wore, but heneither noticed nor cared, it seemed.

“This is adisaster.” He breathed out, slightly in disbelief. “But I can'tlive without it. We could be dead tomorrow. I can't let that happenwithout telling you how I feel.”

“Come upstairs.”Murmured Claudia softly, her invitation for further intimacy. Theywaited long enough; there was no sense in dancing around their desirefor one another in the bodily sense any more.

“Upstairs?” Heasked. The word sounded foreign in his mouth. “You mean—“

“—Yes. I'mtired of beating around the bush. Join me in my bedroom tonight.”

Anders didn't takehis left hand from her cheek, though his right drifted down to thesmallest part of her waist. Claudia wasn't sure what to expect; thiswas uncharted territory and she had no idea what she was doing.Luckily, Anders seemed just as nervous. His touch was shaky, thoughnot without a hint of electricity that sent her skin tinglingeverywhere he touched her.

“In the Circle,”He began anew, a sadness in his voice, “love was only a game. Itgave the Templars too much power to know there was something theycould take away, something you couldn't live without.”

“I won't let themtake you from me like they took Karl.” She protested, a riskygamble that she wasn't sure would pay off.

“I know.” Itwas barely audible, but potent enough to mean something. “That iswhy this is the rule I will most cherish breaking.”

He kissed her onceagain, more restrained than the first, but still as delicious. Whenthey parted, more of her lipstick had transferred onto him. Again, heseemed not to care in the slightest.

“Let's goupstairs.” Her words barely had force enough to truly be calledwords, but he still understood the point without them. They headedout of the study, and up the stairs swiftly. Claudia glimpsed overher shoulder at him more than once, wearing a coquettish look oflonging each time as she led the way. Anders' response was similar,often a coy smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth, or reaching upthe banister to playfully stroke her knuckles.

This was wanted. Byboth of them.