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jodilin65 · 10 years ago

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FRIDAY, JANUARY 31, 2014 Yesterday we had the time of our lives, even if today we’re paying for it with the sunburn from hell. Despite using waterproof sunscreen, neither of us can worry about a lack of vitamin D, that’s for sure!

I’m having so much fun and loving this climate so much that I don’t want to go home. I miss my bed, my rats and my stuff, but I don’t want to go home to have to go back to work, clean the house, and deal with a million doctor appointments.

I love that there are hardly any blacks here. I don’t think I’ve even heard anyone speaking Spanish. Crime is barely existent here without these degenerate scumbags everyone seems to worship, especially in the West and the Southeast.

We drove to a parking lot for Trilogy catamaran sailing tours, which normally cost $200 per person, and then walked a few blocks to the harbor where tons of boats for different companies were docked. There were tons of touristy shops along the way and an area with trees where I never heard so many birds at once. There had to be hundreds of them! They were in a huge tree given to Lahaina as a gift from Japan.

There were two catamarans, each able to hold 55 people, and each shorter than our house. Captain Jill, a deeply tanned blond, navigated the boat across to another island whose name I already forgot (Oahu?). There were 3 other crew members, two women, also blond and tanned, and a guy.

I thought it ridiculous that one of the passengers brought an infant onboard of all things. Wouldn’t it have been terrified? Well, if it was wailing its ass off I wouldn’t know it over the boat’s engine, the wind, and the fact that I wasn’t sitting near it. Overall there doesn’t seem to be many kids here. A reflection of the falling birthrate? Or maybe it’s cuz people without kids can barely afford such an expensive place let alone with them.

Anyway, it was a little warm in the direct sunlight, but once we got sailing full speed, the breeze was wonderful. They would stop every time someone would spot a whale and people would take pics like crazy. I hated it when people would get in the way and there was this one guy I practically wanted to pitch overboard, but hopefully when I check out the pics when we get home I will find I got some decent whale shots. It was hard to see what I was shooting at, so I would just point and shoot like crazy and hope for the best.

There was this area in front where you could sit on these thick nets and see straight down to the water, but we were content to just sit on the bench and stand at the rails.

The first thing we were served was cinnamon rolls, then assorted fruits like watermelon, honeydew melon and pineapple. The last thing we were served was wraps. There was tuna, chicken and turkey. Naturally, Tom hated everything but the cinnamon roll.

The people were young and old but mostly older folks. Some were thin and hot, others fat frumps like me. Gotta hand it to those with bellies bulging worse than mine who had the guts to wear bikinis. Some were as pale as I am, but most were tanned. Well, I’m a mix of white and lobster red right now, LOL.

We’ve had sunny weather most of the time, but they’re predicting rain for the weekend. That’s okay, we’ve had our share of sunshine, and submarines go underwater anyway.

According to the boat crew, the deepest waters we sailed over were 350 feet deep, and whales can go as shallow as 60 feet or less. Once the catamaran docked at the island, we were greeted with a shell necklace similar to the ones the hotel gave us, and then we took a long hot walk down to the beach. Diving into that ocean felt so damn good as hot as I was once they finally finished their safety speech and all that stuff.

Then came the best part of the trip – snorkeling! You know how I said this resort and the area is just like I’ve seen in pictures? Well, so was what I saw underwater! Now it’s the same people overseeing all the activities, mind you. The catamaran crew also takes you snorkeling or on a tour of the city, if that’s what you prefer instead, and they also cook your dinner. What a job, huh? Sailing, sunning, snorkeling and cooking all day long.

So one of the girls got me fitted in a thing you wrap around your waist that keeps you afloat, and my goggles, after she sprayed something in them to keep them from fogging up. They had prescription goggles, but since I’m still farsighted enough, I was okay with regular ones. She walked me out past the breakers (as I’ve learned, you can’t just walk into the ocean here anytime you want if you don’t want to get knocked down, and must go between swells) and once I was up to my chest in the water I put my flippers on.

Tom’s camera can go underwater, and he shot some pics and videos. He wishes he got the nicer camera for $200. We just didn’t think we’d use it enough.

So off I went and at first I was like, why is this so impressive to most people? There’s nothing to see but sand… then there they were! Clumps of coral and the most beautiful tropical fish of all kinds and colors! It was almost like swimming through a giant aquarium! I couldn’t help but think, from poverty to this?!?! Wow! We went out to where we were in 20-30 feet of water and words can’t describe just how spectacular it was!

After that and some regular swimming, we passed up the walk to the tide pool and just hung out till it was time for the barbecue. I was so pissed that I didn’t bring my other sandals since my new ones caused my feet to blister a bit, and putting on socks and sneakers is a bitch even after you’ve used the freshwater shower to get the sand off of you. Being humungous didn’t help either. I am utterly appalled and disgusted by how big I’ve gotten and how it’s hindering my mobility. I’m sick of it. I vowed to myself that if I can’t get the fucking weight off the healthy way once they’ve tweaked my new medication, then the unhealthy way it is! Gotta wonder, though, would I have gotten this fat if my thyroid hadn’t crapped out on me?

At one point I was about 6” too close to the shore when a wave had just begun to curl and smacked me real hard in the chest. That’s what I get for not paying attention.

The only annoyances at the beach were the same landscapers I have to deal with nearly every day at home blowing the grassy areas and walkways, and someone jackhammering in one of the buildings up at the summit of one of the hillsides surrounding the bay.

After a few hours of beach time, we walked back down the road to the pavilion where our boat was docked and gathered at picnic tables. A blond version of Marsha Gay Harding sat across from us as we were served a meal I wasn’t very impressed with at all. First up was a roll and salad. I didn’t eat all the salad, wanting to save room for dinner, but had I known it would be these boring noodles and veggies with peas, plus chicken marinated in something really weird tasting, I would’ve finished the damn salad like Marsha was smart enough to do. I was surprised Tom ate some of the chicken, but at that point, he was too hungry to care. So I drank down my grapefruit juice and then we waited on the grassy cliff while the crew bussed the tables.

Over the time we sailed back, I had pineapple juice, ice cream, and a white wine that tasted more like beer. Of course Tom laughed at that one and said I was crazy.

The wind tossed my pink sequined hat off onto the deck toward the end of the trip, but fortunately, I caught it before it could join the whales.

They unfurled the sails on the way back, but not for long since there wasn’t much wind. What wind there was felt so good, though coming back was a little chillier as the sun began to set. By the time we pulled into the harbor and Captain Jill docked our boat, the sun had just dipped below the island.

Later…

Was out on the patio whale watching earlier. The island may have many birds, but it sure doesn’t have as many bugs as you’d think it would have.

Also, I’m amazed at just how often people seem to be in their rooms here. Yes, they’re expensive but don’t they too, want to be off doing things? Every time we’re in our room, so are they. Or so it seems.

We were out all day yesterday and most of today. Sleeping hasn’t been too difficult, but I’m so drained from the sun and all the activity that I need to sleep forever. Plus I wake up a lot along the way, so I’m in bed a total of 10 hours some days. I’ll probably sleep for 12 once we get home. My schedule’s been okay so far, but the next few days will get harder. Monday actually may be hell on me, but we leave that day so being shorted one day won’t kill me. I always wished I were one of those who only needed 6 or 7 hours of sleep or less, but (shrugs) I am how I am, sleep-needy and all. Meanwhile, it’s early evening now and I really hope they stop banging by the time I’m ready to crash in an hour or two.

Until I do crash, let me cover today’s fun so I don’t get behind. We went to Lulu’s again and I got the steak, eggs and hash browns I liked a lot the last time and Tom got a ham and cheese omelet.

After breakfast, I bought stamps and mailed my postcards to Tammy, Andy, Paula, Eileen and my Italian Dad, and then we went to a mall with a dozen or so fun shops. Pricy, but nice. The boutiques had the things Hawaii’s famous for on their clothes, magnets and other things – plumeria and hibiscus flowers, as well as palm trees and pineapples. We also went to a strip of stores down by the harbor.

He grabbed a blizzard and me a soda at Dairy Queen, then later on we returned to the mall where I got a heaping container of pork fried rice at a Chinese place that is actually quite good. I just wish the container wasn’t so flimsy. I have the leftovers in the fridge for later.

From all the stores we went to we gathered 3 shirts for him, a black tank for me with “Maui, Hawaii” written in bright rainbow colors, a hot pink tank with “Maui” in silvery glitter, a black tee with colorful metallic studs, a black sleeveless dress with large pink hibiscus flowers on it, a colorful cover-up, a pink skirt with colored flowers along its hem, 4 pairs of panties in pink, purple and blue, a necklace with a pink-gemmed flip-flop, a pair of floral flip-flops that are more comfortable than the other ones, a pineapple sun catcher with crystals, and 4 magnets. The magnets consist of a sunset and palms, a hula dancer, a blue-gemmed dolphin, and a female figure’s upper body in a pink bikini top. That one has a bottle opener on it. I also got a 3D bookmark of a tropical scene cuz it was just so cool looking even though I don’t read regular books anymore.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 2014 Slept both well and shitty. Woke up several times, had that lower back pain I sometimes wake up with at home, and of course Tom snores like hell. It doesn’t wake me up once I’ve fallen asleep, but trying to sleep to it isn’t easy.

The muscles in my calves are sore from climbing the sandy hills to get to the beach yesterday, but I will get to that later. I want to backtrack in order.

The rain was nice at first, especially since I live in such a deserty climate that rarely sees rain. But by the second day, I was ready for it to stop. It finally did just that in the afternoon so we could enjoy the beach and pool.

The weather, pool, beaches and the resort as a whole are absolutely gorgeous! Just like I’d see in pictures. I miss my bed and my rats, but a part of me never wants to return home either. If it weren’t so damn expensive I’d be mighty tempted to retire here someday. We decided we would definitely be back at least to visit and that we could do a comfortable trip with under 5K. Definitely want to live in Florida or some tropical climate if not Hawaii. I’m sick of cold places, dry places, and shit like that. My skin and ear love this climate. My bad ear hasn’t ached at all except for when we first arrived. That was probably due to the pressure on the plane.

They apparently searched our luggage at the airport because when we opened it there was a card saying so. Doesn’t look like they stole anything, but as Tom said, if they were going to take anything, why leave us a note?

The Wi-Fi is out now and the connection is slower than hell. That’s partly because we don’t want to pay the $17 a day they want to give us a faster connection and partly because this laptop is ancient. We don’t use the net often enough to be worth paying for a faster connection nor do we want to. Vacations should be about having fun and not about doing what you usually do at home. The only thing I’m doing that I usually do is documenting this trip. Writing is my passion, vacation or not.

The room comes with a microwave, mini-refrigerator/freezer, coffeemaker, safe, big screen TV, iron, makeup mirror, hairdryer, mouthwash, shampoo, conditioner, soap, shower gel and other vanity items. We get robes and slippers too, but can only take the slippers home. I like them even though they’re not plush. Our housekeeper is a lady from the Philippines and she’s only in once a day instead of the annoying 2 or 3 times a day the guy tended to us on the ship.

Yesterday morning we went to a restaurant called Lulu’s for breakfast. Their prices were comparable to Denny’s. It was nice that Tom could get something he liked since he hated almost everything they served on the plane. I got steak and eggs with hash browns and it was damn good.

We have a private patio with a 10-foot stretch of grass beyond it with a rocky cliff that drops off and down to the ocean. The water’s about 10-15 feet below us. Wish the chain link fence with the flower hedges wasn’t obstructing some of the view, but overall it’s a damn good view. We’ve seen whales here and there, too. I didn’t know they came here. I thought they stuck to colder areas up north, but they come here to breed.

After Lulu’s, we picked up some snacks and TV dinners from Safeway to take back to the room. That way we don’t have to pay their outrageous room service fees. They want 11 bucks just for a lousy bowl of cereal.

The rest of the day was spent at our leisure. We walked around the resort taking pics and we swam in both the ocean and pool.

I can’t believe how warm the ocean is, though it wasn’t like bathwater. The waves and undertow are certainly much fiercer than I remember the beach in Connecticut to be. A 3-foot wave knocked Tom off his feet a couple of times. We were laughing so hard! Even a lady who sat on the beach watching us laughed, too. The fact that they could knock a 250-pound man off his feet oughta prove how forceful they are, and those waves are supposedly nothing for Hawaii.

Once you get about 20 feet from shore you’re not in danger of being knocked over. I wasn’t dumb enough to let myself be swept off my feet, though the undertow almost took me down a few times. Tom, on the other hand, dove right into a big wave. I thought he lost our underwater camera at first, but he had it secured around his wrist. I used to sometimes sit where the waves break in Connecticut, but here they would go crashing over my head and sweep me away. It didn’t smell as salty as Connecticut but it tasted it and stung my eyes a bit.

It’s amazing how loud the waves crash upon the shore, almost like a big bang of thunder. It’s weird how some of the shorelines have no beaches too, but just a rocky area instead. Some people were paddling while standing on surfboards and from a distance, it looked like people were sweeping the ocean.

After a taste of the Pacific Ocean (I wouldn’t dare go in the water in SoCal in the 90s in April cuz it was too cold), it was off to sample their gorgeous pool. It was sort of round and normal looking in some spots, but in other parts, there were narrow canals that went under bridges and was really cool. There were waterfalls and slides in some sections and the water looked so incredibly blue. That was because of the color the pool was painted, but it still looked way cool.

There’s also a pond with huge goldfish in it winding through the area.

Then we returned our pool/beach towels and went back to the room where we lazed around for the rest of the day. It sucks that my new sandals gave me blisters, but you can walk around here barefoot, even though the pool and beach area is a ways away. For most other things you want to wear some type of rubber-soled shoes. We checked the ‘What to Bring’ section of the catamaran tours website. It’s an all-day thing filled with fun, food and drink. It takes an hour and a half to sail each way. We’re leaving for that in a few minutes and won’t be back till around 6pm.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2014 We’re in the midst of day 2 of our trip. We’re both loving it despite the few glitches we’ve encountered. Let me pick up from where I left off.

Using tongs, the flight attendant passed out hot wet washcloths for us to wash up with in the end, and once our plane finally began to descend it was more than obvious. It was almost like freefalling through the air. My ear began popping like crazy again. And then there it was. Hawaii as green as Cali is brown! I was practically squealing with delight!

Next thing I know ribbons of water are flying across the window. When we landed I almost felt like I was going to get tossed out of my seat. Upon arrival, it was rainy and humid, but the humidity didn’t feel stifling or oppressive in any way. In fact, in just one day my skin is amazingly softer.

Two native Pacific islanders held cards with a few people’s last names on them, including ours. They greeted us with leis of beautiful purple orchids and if I didn’t know any better I would think the natives were Mexican or Indian, LOL. Not everyone living here is a native, though. Some look like they could be from just about anywhere.

Then we caught a shuttle to the Hertz rental car company and through the downpour, we were given a green Ford Escape for the week.

I’ve taken tons of pics along the way and will create albums on Facebook and Photobucket once we get home.

Haha, a couple of white doves with matching white toenails are begging for some of Tom’s chips as he sits munching on the patio. We’re on the ground floor and I think this may actually be one of the $800 rooms and not $400. The one we were supposed to get was actually $500 a night unless you book by the week. Then it’s $400.

Anyway, the number of birds and the abundance of colorful flowers and tropical trees are amazing. Tons of coconut palms and banana trees. I want to return to the comfort of home, but I also want to stay here forever. The rain here is a warm pleasant rain, unlike when it rains – or at least used to rain – in the winter in Cali. The grass is so lush and green it almost seems like carpet. I love how the temperature doesn’t change much between day and night. In the winter in Cali, it’s cold at night. In the summer in Cali, it’s hot in the daytime.

“I can’t believe we’re in Hawaii,” I said to Tom once we took off in the Escape.

“Yeah, but we’re lost in Hawaii,” he said.

LOL, that was true. We did get lost for a while. Passed by some breathtaking views, but some surprisingly dumpy houses and buildings for such a fancy, expensive place.

Nonetheless, we picked up a few things at Kmart. We couldn’t find the Walmart, so we went to Kmart. I had this delicious cheesy garlic bread and Tom had a hotdog.

We picked up a couple of pink towels, one darker than the other, that say “Maui” on them. We also grabbed some sunscreen you spray on and some tuberose perfume that smells of gardenias. For souvenirs, I got a pink flip-flop magnet with multicolored gems around it, plus I got about 5 postcards.

So we arrived at the hotel at 3pm, which was check-in time. The room is nicer in person than it appeared to be online, but for this price, you would think we wouldn’t have had to wait an hour to get our toilet plunged as we did. Not a thrilling experience, though there are public restrooms scattered throughout the resort.

I got up at 3am, about a half-hour before Tom did, and found the shower to have wimpy pressure and myself glad I didn’t have long hair. Long hair would be a bitch on this type of vacation. Then I thought the coffeemaker was broken, but I just hit the wrong button was all. Their coffee sucks so I got my own. They have these 1.5-liter bottles of water and like an idiot, I opened one and got us charged 5 bucks for it. I’d have had tap water if I knew they didn’t come free with the room like the coffee and the gross orange tea I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole.

Then we found that we were unable to Skype the rats. We tried calling in a few times, but all that setting up was for nothing, which kind of sucks. I miss my ratties.

The hotel is quiet overall, but in the early mornings and evenings, they love to slam doors and whatnot. I’m worried an elephant walker may’ve checked in above us, too. I heard half a dozen bangs during my 4am shower as it was, but the sound machine and earplug I brought helped me sleep through its bangy moments.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 28, 2014 Aloha! We are now on the plane as I write this in my paper journal! I’m guessing it’s about 8am now. The flight was on time and I will type up everything I write by hand later on. Might be a few days before I get to share it online, though.

Even though the sun is shining, we are flying over a sea of clouds, which is preventing any kind of interesting view.

Yesterday we got things ready for the trip and did a lot of waiting around at home. Tom was able to stop the mail online.

We went to KFC for lunch. The food was good but the service sucked. It was also just as cold in there as it was outside.

I crashed around 4pm. When I awoke at 10pm I was like, fuck! No! But I was eventually able to return to sleep till 1:30. So my schedule worked out perfectly. Not sure about my 10 million doctor appointments waiting for me when we return home, but I don’t have to worry about that till then.

Backed my doc files up on Amazon Cloud so I can access them from Maui. I also have them on the laptop, which is going with us after all.

We loaded the rats up with tons of food and water and set the webcam up, too. We also dropped the heat to 66 degrees and turned the water to the house off.

Once we had everything fully packed, we set out for the airport at 4:50. Parked the car in the economy lot (40G), and was able to catch the shuttle right away.

So we checked in, checked the luggage, went through security, then we were shuttled to Gate 9 where we waited for about an hour. The gate next to us was a flight to L.A. and next to that was one to Tacoma.

No screaming kids on this flight, as we were one of the first to board being first class. First they board handicapped people, then those with infants. The few kids that are flying with us aren’t that young and are way back in coach, of course.

Taking off was both exciting and emotional. As some of you know, we almost didn’t get to take this trip.

At first I was like, OMG! Look how brown everything is down below! At this time it’s still usually pretty green around here, but you can actually see the drought. Miles and miles of dead and barren farmlands with a few scattered houses mixed in.

In no time we flew over a bed of clouds and were only able to catch a quick glimpse of the Pacific. It looked like the water was dead still from up in the plane. No sign of movement at all.

We’re 4 seats away from the front of the plane. Most of the people flying first class seem to be older married couples. Tom thinks I’m the youngest one. Bet I’m the only one who won the trip, too!

Right away we were served drinks; water for both of us and coffee for me.

Then they gave us our toys. Dig-e-Players with music, games, movies, etc. Tom’s watching a movie and I’m playing mahjong when I’m not writing or doing word search puzzles.

Next we were served fruit and a Danish, most of which Tom hated. I ate his fruit, except for the orange, of course. The Danish had slivers of coconut in its center, so Tom only ate around the edges, LOL. I devoured that and the strawberries, grapes, honeydew melon and pineapple.

Lastly, we were served rice and pork stuffed omelets, and of course, Tom could only stand the egg. We both ate our sweet potatoes.

My hand is getting sore since I’m not used to writing by hand. Gotta go pee off my alcoholic drink anyway. Passion Guava, I think it’s called. It doesn’t seem to have much alcohol in it seeing that I don’t even have a buzz.

Later…

I guess it’s about 11:00 Cali time now. Couple more hours to go. My only complaint, besides the fact that my ass is getting sore, is that the seats are too high for my short legs. My toes reach the floor, but I can’t place the flat of my feet on the floor.

I also wish the table was a little closer to my body.

I see nothing but sky, clouds, and a little bit of sea right now.

I hope I can read my own handwriting when I go to digitize these words. When we hit turbulence it’s very hard to write legibly.

Our final alcoholic beverage will be served soon and that will be a Mai Tai. That’s a fruity drink mixed with rum.

Here we go! We’re dropping now so we must be getting closer! Oh, how my good ear pops up a storm.

Wish they had one of those flight navigators that shows the plane’s exact location, but to my surprise, they don’t.

I’m so, so glad, even though it would’ve been great meeting Nane, that we didn’t go to Italy after all. Sitting on a plane for 5 hours and 45 minutes is long enough! I won’t even get into how rough it would’ve been on my schedule. This way we get to fly straight through with no layovers.

Later…

Okay, just under 90 minutes to go now, so no, we probably aren’t dropping yet like I thought.

They served a snack of island trail mix with pineapple, macadamia nuts and honey-roasted sesame sticks.

Also, the second alcoholic drink I had definitely contained more alcohol, haha.

The plane seemed chilly when we first boarded it but now I’m a bit warm. The sun has been on my side all along. My cheeks feel flushed, but that’s probably more from my drink than the warmth.

There are 4 flight attendants; 2 women, 2 men. One of the guys stands at the head of our first-class section whenever the pilots get up to take a leak.

We had to fill out these forms, as mandated by the state of Hawaii, saying we’re not bringing any plants with us.

Later…

It’s now 10:20 local time and she says we’re going to begin our descent any minute now. Good. I’m getting tired of sitting on this plane as fun as it’s been so far. They really need to make planes for short people. I couldn’t even reach the fan overhead.

Again, I’m really glad we didn’t go to Italy as originally planned. I couldn’t even sleep on this thing if I wanted to. The wall of the plane is too far away to lean on and there’s nothing to lean against in the other direction either. The headrests bend inward at the sides to sort of cushion your neck, but when you’re this short it’s more like your cheeks.

Unless something exciting happens before we land, I guess this is it till we’re officially on Hawaiian soil!

MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 2014 We’re now about 25 hours from leaving the house and 27 from taking off! Since I’ll be sitting on a plane for over 5 hours, I want to wait and save most of my writing for then. I will have my rainbow journal with me.

I will say that my dear hubby surprised me with a nice new lightweight purple hairdryer, something I’ve been thinking of getting. I don’t blow dry my hair that often, but it will be nice having a modern dryer with special attachments for straightening, as opposed to his 50-year-old big clunky brown dryer.

Much of the day will be spent in preparation for the trip, though many things can’t be done till right before we go to leave the house. Things like dumping the trash, running a final load of dishes, stocking the rats up on food and water. They will have 3 water bottles and enough food to last them a month.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 26, 2014 Just two more days to go and then I can enjoy what will hopefully be a fun, hassle-free, stress-free vacation without wondering when God’s gonna throw us to the wolves again and into poverty and even possible homelessness. Without wondering if I’m going to need surgery that could set us back a lot more than a bunch of pills could possibly set us back. Without trying to decide if I should make one more attempt to lose weight once my blood tests start coming back with positive results, or if I should just keep the 25 extra pounds. I still might not be able to lose it because I’m still older, after all. If I did, it would take a long time but one definitely has a better chance of getting results from diet and exercise when they’ve fixed thyroids that have completely crapped out on them.

Tom and I are both surprised. We figured it had to be somewhat off. That was obvious by how much I’d diet and exercise and how little weight I’d lose from it. But we didn’t think it’d be this bad. TSH 32.40 is pretty darn extreme.

Anyway, today I’ll do more “combing.” Going through every drawer and closet to make sure I don’t forget to take anything we need or may at least want to have on the trip. The laptop is undergoing serious surgery and will probably go with us after all, but not on the plane. Meaning, not with us in our seats. I’ll write in my paper journal along the way. The laptop will be cushioned between our clothes in the biggest suitcase we’re taking. We’re stripping the laptop and reloading my pics, audio, docs and a word processor. I have to be careful if I go online with it cuz it’s a Windows computer and so it’s more dangerous than a Mac. I know that’s hard for a lot of people to accept and believe. Hey, even I fought going Mac for a while till I got fed up with all the fucking viruses, and even I miss Windows at times. Once you get used to using a Mac you see it really isn’t that much different than Windows. Instead of an X at the right-hand corner of the screen, you close things by clicking a red dot to the left. It’s worth the safety.

So along with my dangerous Windows laptop, I’m combing through closets, drawers, bathroom cabinets, etc. For now, though, this brand-new pill junkie has to go eat now and take her slew of vitamins. Yeah, I hate not being able to have my coffee as soon as I get up. Gotta wait a half hour.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 25, 2014 We just went over our itinerary. We’ll be leaving the house at around 5am and will need to catch a shuttle from the parking lot to the terminal. I thought you just parked and walked inside, but the parking area isn’t near the airport. Not near enough to walk, anyway. At least that won’t cost us anything extra. We checked online to see if we pick out what we want to eat on the plane or if they serve you whatever they feel like serving you, and I guess they’re going to serve a Hawaiian-style breakfast, plus snacks along the 5½–hour flight.

Also, it looks like where we’re going is 2 hours earlier and not 3. We don’t have plans for every single minute of every single day cuz part of the idea is to just have fun at our leisure with no plans or schedules. We won’t be able to check in as soon as we arrive, and it will probably take us an hour to drive through roads that wind through the mountains, so we’ll probably go straight to Walmart where we’ll pick up a couple of beach towels, sunscreen and other odds and ends like that.

Wednesday we probably won’t do anything major other than hanging out at the beach and the pool.

Thursday is when we’ll be sailing on the catamaran and they’ll have all kinds of food, drink and fun stuff to keep us occupied that day. We’ll be on the island we sail to for most of the day.

Friday we’ll probably head inland and check out one of the botanical gardens.

Saturday is the luau that’ll be held in the evening. That’s a traditional Hawaiian feast where they have cultural dances and they roast a pig. I guess wild pigs are all over Hawaii.

Sunday we just relax and Monday we leave.

Sure enough, we’re on for a 40% chance of rain here on the 31st, though we should definitely get to enjoy some rain in Hawaii. Some people Tom works with that have been to Hawaii and say it pretty much rains every day there at this time of year.

No adverse reactions to the meds, but I didn’t expect any. She said the cholesterol pills could cause severe muscle soreness, but there’s only a 1% chance for that. The thyroid pills can make your heart race, and it did race a little, but nothing serious.

I just hope all these appointments don’t really start adding up. It’s a $25 copay every time we see the doctor, and this plan of ours has a high deductible of $1500 per year.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 24, 2014 It really pisses me off when people equate abortion to murder. You can’t “murder” something with zero consciousness. If you can, then mowing the lawn is murder, too. It also pisses me off when people speak of how they’re “working” to take women’s rights to choose away. So the solution is to make all these women have kids they don’t want so they can maybe end up in foster care just like I eventually did just to be abused by others who also don’t want them? Brilliant. Real fucking brilliant.

Just a quick entry 4 hours before my appointment. I just hope to hell she doesn’t spring any nasty surprises on me! We’re going to Hawaii and I want to enjoy our first vacation in 7 years.

Where I had burning and itching downstairs yesterday, today I don’t feel a thing, so I don’t know what to think as far as that goes.

Was surprised to learn Nane’s also taken medication for cholesterol and thyroid issues, but in her case, it’s for fatigue.

I was amazed at how many thyroid symptoms I found I have – dry skin, low sex drive, messed up schedule, etc. I wrote the dry skin and low drive off to age and climate, but again I wonder just how long my thyroid has been fucked up. It probably started going downhill when I was around 40, but since 2009 was the last time I could lose more than just a few pounds, that’s probably when it started really escalating.

Later…

Just to let people know, I plan to be busy these next few days prior to the trip, so if I don’t respond to anyone right away, I’m not ignoring you. Also, even though we’re due back on the 3rd, give me a few days to unwind. I don’t expect to jump back online the instant I return.

Not sure I’ll be online at all during the trip because we’re having issues with the laptop. We’ll have Tom’s phone, but I won’t be able to blog. I’ll be writing by hand and will type up my notes when I get back if we don’t take the thing. Some of my blogs don’t allow backdating so I’ll be sure to include the date in the entries of what happened when.

Yesterday’s appointment was a little scary cuz I didn’t know if she was going to spring any nasty surprises on me that could delay the trip, but nope. We’re still on for Tuesday’s takeoff. My BP was up a bit but that’s probably cuz I was nervous.

I’ve got mixed emotions about the situation. I’m glad to finally know for sure I was right to suspect I had a busted thyroid and that was what was keeping the weight on no matter how hard I worked out and watched what I ate. I’m thankful as hell to this woman for catching the problems I have and for helping me deal with them, even if I may end up having to have surgery. I hope not, but needing the thyroid removed altogether is a possibility. She felt it and said it was a bit enlarged, so I will be having an ultrasound done when we return from the trip. But while I’m glad to have discovered the problem, I hate that I’m back to taking pills every day. The last time, about 15 years ago, was for asthma. Now it’s thyroid, cholesterol, and vitamin D pills, but the last two I shouldn’t be on forever. Still, we even got me a cute little pink pillbox, LOL, so I can take everything I need to Hawaii with me.

Will I lose weight in the future? I don’t know, but those skinny dreams I had sure made me wonder if the “dream people” were trying to warn me of my metabolism. I had like 3 or 4 of them, and any dream psychic knows that reoccurring ones are more likely to mean something.

After the vacation, I will weigh the pros and cons of losing weight. On one hand, if I stay the same, well, this is what I’m used to. It also keeps the perverts away and of course my clothes are set to fit my current size. It would cost money to get a new wardrobe and eventually one of those ring adjusters so I don’t lose my wedding band. It’s this thing you stick inside it to make it tighter.

On the other hand, I become healthier and it becomes easier to get around and to do certain exercises if I’m carrying 25 fewer pounds. It’s still hard work, but losing weight and being fit was something I was actually good at once upon a time, just like I’m good at writing and languages. It can be fun depending on how you see it. The body becomes a work of art and you the sculptor.

Or maybe I’ll lose nothing at all no matter what I decide. I mean look around you. How many slim middle-agers do you see?

Got a message from Paula, who’s still as crazy as ever. Don’t mail her a postcard from Hawaii, she said. Make sure I send it from California cuz that way she’ll know she’ll get it. rolls eyes Oh, and happy birthday since she knows I turned 46 or 47 this month. rolls eyes again It’s nice to know the fucktard is alive and thinking of me, but why I can’t get her to discuss her own health is beyond me.

It figures that it’s going to be 77° here the day after we leave, but it will be even nicer there and hopefully it’ll rain a little too, while we’re there. Too much rain is depressing, especially in the colder months, but I miss rain in general. It’s become such a rarity here. A good 98% of the year here is nothing but dry sunshine.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 23, 2014 Posted a status about what’s going on with me, not just to vent, but more because I was curious as to who would care to respond. Sure enough, my nieces haven’t, though one “liked” that we had a week as of yesterday till our Hawaiian vacation.

Andy had a “shitty” experience. Yeah, it’s both fascinating and creepy. He had a dream that a man disguised as a dog flipped up in the air several times and each time it did it would release shit from its ass.

Then he approves a new member to the Facebook page or group or whatever it is he runs, and the guy asks him, “Can I watch you take a shit?”

Then I send him a funny pic of an animated avatar with human figures flipping over a toilet and dumping shit into it along the way.

Something sure as shit is trying to tell him something.

Got our vacation package and times have changed since 2007, all right. No more paper tickets. We received what looks like a credit card instead for our air, hotel and ground transportation expenses. Too bad it doesn’t cover food, taxes and souvenirs, but hey, 7K is a huge chunk of it paid! And not even the shitster in the sky is going to stop me from going, infected or not.

Tom doesn’t think I’m infected downstairs cuz my white blood cell count is only slightly elevated and I have no fever. Also, every blood test I’ve ever had shows a slightly high count. IDK, I’m really burning down there so we’ll see. I just worry more about all the time and money these problems may add up to, not that I’m going to die or anything like that.

As for the cholesterol – where am I eating all these fatty and saturated fatty foods, I asked him – but then he explained that this is a hereditary thing.

Heart disease, cholesterol problems, diabetes… I may not have diabetes after all and my blood sugar may’ve been good, but why did my parents have kids if they knew they were going to pass on all this shit? Tom said they weren’t aware of these issues back then. Thank goodness we never had kids!

As worthless as placing blame may be (aside from making me feel a little better), I’ve got a few people to blame for that one. The assholes responsible for collapsing the recession so I could go so long without being insured. Myself for knowing I probably wouldn’t have gone for regular checkups anyway. God for letting me not have the insurance that He would’ve let me be dumb enough not to take regular advantage of. Why not use God to vent upon and as a whipping boy? He used me as a whipping boy. Only He let my mother do His dirty work for Him.

I asked Tom what could happen if my non-functioning thyroid which I’ll probably have to take medication for life for went untreated, and from what he read, I could develop a goiter in the future. The goiter would then make swallowing hard as it pressed upon my throat. That tissue may’ve eventually become cancerous, too.

Miss Perfect (my SIL Mary) had it even worse and it was no big deal for her in the end, so I’ll be all right. Just hope it doesn’t cost us much money. And oh, the appointments! I still have to deal with the ear specialist AND the dentist AND the eye doctor… But Mary’s thyroid was so bad they removed it. She even had lesions on her organs. They thought her thyroid was cancerous but once they removed it, they found that it wasn’t. Anyway, you can live without a thyroid, but it is important. Mine’s still bad enough that I can’t believe I’m not still gaining weight, and much faster than I did before. But I at least managed to stop that. Lack of exercise and overeating are to blame for some of the last round of weight gain, but not all of it. I don’t stuff myself like crazy and I only eat when I’m hungry. If I’m not hungry, I don’t eat. Unless you surprise me with a lobster, that is. Most days it takes me two hours to feel hungry after waking up and I don’t eat till then. I just have my coffee.

Mary lost weight after she got her thyroid dealt with and Tom thinks I will be able to, too. Even a fellow writer said the cholesterol thing is probably hereditary and that a medication called Synthroid will probably help me lose weight. Well, it’d certainly be nice to have a choice! Right now it’s not my top priority, but what if I change my mind in a year or so from now? What if I decide I’m sick of looking like shit? Well, I’d like to have the same option that most others have. A schedule and many other things that most people don’t even think twice about haven’t been or are not currently an option for me, so the less control I have over my own life and body, the shittier a feeling it is. If I can and do lose weight, though it will be for ME. Not so people can have a prettier person to look at when I’m out and about.

It’s too soon to say for sure but it’s looking like sleeping with an earplug in my good ear when I’m on nights is helping me sleep. I wake up fewer times and it seems to back the “dream people” off, too.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2014 Although I won’t have more details until early Friday morning, it turns out I have a whole boatload of problems. They should be manageable and I shouldn’t be going belly-up anytime soon, but I do worry and wonder just how much time and money this shit’s going to take up. I thought I’d have just one problem. Not 4 or 5!

After fighting with the MagicJack, which has once again crapped out on me, and dealing with a semi-shitty connection on the cell, which loves to drop calls, I managed to get someone to help walk me through the steps of retrieving my test results online. Apparently, when Tom set up the account he typed in the wrong 4 SS# digits.

So finally I’m in and I’m looking at the results. I slowly scroll down the page and by the time I reach the end I’m damn near ready to scream. I don’t know that I’m officially diabetic, but let’s see… I have a high white blood cell count, a low level of vitamin D, high cholesterol, and a seriously messed up thyroid. Yeah, no fucking wonder Miss Flat Abs and Muscular Arms turned into such a fat frump, huh?

Anyway, I’m pretty sure the infection, which would raise the white blood cell count, is coming from between the legs. I just don’t know if it’s a gynecological issue or a UT thing. My guess is it’s a bacterial infection that women get all the time. Too much moisture (like from sweaty workouts) and just a little bacteria can infect us even if we keep clean and shower regularly. I will find out at 7am on Friday. Right now I feel like someone’s holding one of my incense sticks to that area. It burns and itches. Many of these problems have probably been festering for months, even years, unbeknownst to me. However, several months back, like before the move, I noticed what felt like “zits” down there and thought the itching kind of went a little beyond the normal feminine discomfort that we all get at times.

For the most part, I didn’t have to be intuitive or psychic in my case as it was mostly common sense based on what’s been going on with me lately. Miss Healthy and Damn Proud of It. I’ve been pretty healthy with a few minor problems along the way ever since I quit smoking 16 years ago. I guess my healthy days are over, though what they can’t cure should at least be manageable. Still, I wasn’t looking forward to having to return to the days of regular appointments and prescriptions even if it’s for other things instead of asthma, allergies, bronchitis and shit like that.

Anyway, I first thought the “itchy zits” were from shaving down there, so I stopped shaving. But on it went and eventually, I resorted to getting medicated wipes that are no longer of much help. Definitely need antibiotics for that. I just worry about the trip. What if we can’t go? I won the trip but that doesn’t mean we haven’t invested hundreds of dollars in taxes and extras. I don’t want to lose the money OR the vacation. Worse, what if he gets laid off?

I’m both surprised and not surprised to find the elevated white blood cell count. I’m surprised because I didn’t have a fever and I have no discharge or funny odor down there. But I’m not surprised. It would explain the negative dreams and dizzy spells and the way things have felt a little off down there.

The biggest surprise was the cholesterol. Okay, so many older people get it. But I eat healthy most days! What we eat isn’t all that influences it, though, from what we read. It’s connected to thyroid issues. It’s amazing how many things are connected to that actually. Andy’s had issues with cholesterol and a lack of vitamin D.

My own lack of D is probably due to a lack of sunlight. I only go out when running or doing errands. Otherwise, I have no reason to go out and have never been a very outdoorsy person to begin with. Let me guess… some of you are “sad” for me, huh? Well, I’m happier in a bug-free, climate-controlled place, so cry on if you must. I once heard a glass of milk a day can replace the sunlight, but dairy products play on my stomach.

The most serious issue, but the least surprising was that I was right; I do have thyroid issues. According to our research, the numbers are high and potentially fatal if left untreated for years. It can cause all kinds of other complications. I’m hoping mine’s in the early stages so that if I can never lose another pound again I can at least not gain any more.

I kept telling myself to quit being obsessed with my weight – I didn’t give a shit how I looked anyway – but it wasn’t that easy cuz I knew deep down that something wasn’t kosher. I also knew that if I got any bigger I’d struggle just to tie my shoes. How frustrating it has been to watch people jog or walk by the place, trim and thin, and know that I’m busting my ass just as hard as they are just to stay the same damn weight, give or take a few pounds. I just knew no one would run a couple of miles every other day, eat sensibly, and NOT lose weight. I tried to tell myself it was just age, bad genes, simply how I was, but I wasn’t kidding myself.

I’m too wound up to focus right now, but I’ll just say that while things could be worse – damn the fucking bastard above to hell and back if there is one. I KNEW something like this would happen once we got settled. I knew it. I also told others and mentioned in my journal that I was afraid something like this would happen. I am, however, very grateful to Tom, Tammy, Andy and Nane for being there for me.

I asked Alison if all’s been quiet in Trollsville and she said yes. Really? Doesn’t she know Molly tweeted to her as if all is just fine and they’re still good buddies? Wanted to know how her weather was or something like that. Maybe she just doesn’t want to acknowledge her in public. Our tweets aren’t protected now. So if she found her newest name there, she’s probably found mine, too. The types of tweets, pics and other account info would pretty much give me away to a stalker no matter what name I went under.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2014 Sometimes the apple falls far from the tree, other times it falls very close to it. In my nieces’ case, it seems to be rather close. I see Tammy’s vengefulness shining through her daughters. Sarah said just when she was thinking of ways to seek revenge on her noisy neighbors, they surprise her by doing something nice, thus making her feel obligated to be nice back.

I wonder, though… am I the only one who would prefer to ignore those I dislike (though I understand noisy neighbors don’t always let us ignore them), or is it totally “normal” to seek revenge, maybe even become obsessed with, those who get on our bad side or dump us? Is getting even, stalking, pestering and harassing those that piss us off just “the thing to do?”

Well, I can’t stand Arabs and I can’t stand blacks with the shit they pull day in and day out on so many people. But forgive me if I’m too “abnormal” to want to spend my time actively making their lives miserable instead of just ignoring them unless any of them try to harm me or my husband and I’m forced to react in any way.

Later…

These doctors are really starting to piss me off what with the way they’re already going a little quacko on me. Even Tom is frustrated. He gave them permission to leave us detailed info, but what do they do? They go and leave a message at 3:30 asking if I could call in. No, I can’t call in when I’m sleeping, you dipshits! I can only multitask when I’m awake!

As some people pointed out to me, while they have laws and policies about how they go about communicating with patients, it does seem rather asinine that they can’t provide more info in messages. One friend had to drive an hour in traffic just to be told her cultures were negative. Now why couldn’t a simple “You’re fine” have been delivered by phone?

Whether it’s diabetes, an infection, a wacky thyroid, they could at least give me some hint instead of leaving me wondering. I don’t know that I’ll be up late enough to call them, but as Tom agrees, they work for us. Not the other way around. So, since it’s not a dire emergency seeing that they waited till 3:30 to call, I’ll call them when I can. I just don’t know that I have the time to deal with whatever shit I may have to deal with till after the trip. Or want to. Not unless it was life-threatening and obviously it’s not.

Whatever it is it’s probably easy enough to manage, though I’ve already resigned myself, like I said before, to the fact that the weight is never coming off. That’s fine, though. As long as I feel good and can function in life, appearance isn’t important to me. If anything, looking like shit keeps the pervies away, even if I always look a little better in person than in pictures. I think most of us do.

As that friend suggested, I’m not going to let it ruin my vacation. Tom is going to love having 12 whole days off (and still weeks of additional vacation time if he needed or wanted it), and while I may like routine, change is also nice. As some people forget, I work too, so we’re BOTH looking forward to this break.

Really miss the days, though, when it was simple to call a doctor. You may have gotten the doctor’s secretary, but that secretary would always patch you right through to the doctor. Now, if you get a live human being, you’re sent through a network of incompetent idiots that don’t know shit. Wish we had Cigna. They were the best. Everything was in one spot and set up so much simpler. 3 things went to hell starting in the 90s. The world of doctors and trying to get through to them, blacks and children. Blacks have always been trouble, but in the ’90s was when we started letting them get away with it and showering them with extra rights and privileges. Kids have always been kids too, but the 90s was when most parents threw discipline, respect, consideration, and manners right out the window.

No upset belly yesterday to have to wait out since prayer is useless to me. I wonder if prayer is like languages – some people have a knack for them, some don’t.

MONDAY, JANUARY 20, 2014 I’m on nights right now and as soon as I got up at 4:30, Tom was asking me about my dreams.

First, though, I would’ve fallen asleep earlier had I not gotten sick. I thought I was going to puke for a minute there. First my throat started burning, then I felt nauseous. Every now and then I like to reinforce my belief that yes, prayer is a joke if only for me, and no, it’s not my imagination - something up there really does NOT listen to Jodi S. And when it appears to listen to others it’s probably a coincidence seeing that none of us have it all, after all. Wishful thinking or not, I prayed anyway for it to stop so I could fall asleep.

Nothing.

I like to fall asleep on my stomach but that made me feel worse so I lay on my side. I even felt unusually cold, even under a heavy blanket and with a memory foam topper.

Anyway, as soon as I got up Tom was on me about my dreams. I actually slept better than usual and didn’t recall any dreams, though I wondered if the “dream people” puking on my feet the day before had to do with my feeling like I was going to puke.

“Nothing scary or anything like that?” he asks.

I shook my head and right away I knew something was up. The only thing they “told” me was that Nane’s pinky and ring fingernails grow faster than her index and middle fingers and she confirmed this to be in fact true, and that was the other day. Hey, they tell me everything from trivial things to life-threatening situations like what we were in a few years ago.

Next he tells me they found something bad with my blood tests. They wanted to see me today but Tom didn’t get the message till 4:30. They’re not allowed to get into it over the phone, so we don’t know what it could be about, but we have our theories. This is just what we fucking need now when we’re a week away from going to Hawaii! Again I wonder – and worry – just how much of these appointments could end up costing us a ton of time and money and maybe even delay the home improvements indefinitely.

Tom had a class the managers have at work. They called at 10:30, but he was too busy to pick up the message till later. He called them back, of course. The doctor is already aware of my sleep issues and all that, but since it was already so late in the day anyway, they said the next time they could see me was on the 3rd. But that’s the day we’re due back from Hawaii. Two more weeks won’t kill me and if it is what we think it is, I’ll just watch what I eat. Tom gave them permission to leave detailed messages, so hopefully they’ll give us a hint and either confirm or shoot down our suspicions. Still, it kind of has a way of taking the excitement out of finally being insured, you know?

We both agree it can’t be life-threatening or else they’d have been insisting I get into a specialist immediately. I also didn’t have any nightmares. Then again, and as I pointed out to Tom, neither did I before my Dad died. I was totally surprised and caught off guard, bad heart or not.

“That’s different,” he told me. “Anytime something bad has happened to us directly you’ve had nightmares.”

So since I haven’t gone falling from 20-foot shower stalls, been pitched overboard from speedboats, or caught on the top floor of a building where a riot has broken out, it should, at worst, be nothing more than a big old pain in the ass.

The first possibility we ruled out was hepatitis and AIDS. I don’t do drugs and I’ve never had sex with anyone other than Tom since we met. Unless we’ve reached a point where just looking at hotties and having crushes on them can cause these things (which would be Nane’s fault, LOL), this isn’t possible.

Wacky cholesterol seems unlike but a high white blood cell count could be in which case I may have a minor infection somewhere. But where? My teeth? Unlikely. I’m not in enough pain. Between the legs? Unlikely. I think that IF anything funny is going on down there it would most likely be warts caused by excessive moisture one can get from working out. I’ll find that out in April, but I think all will be fine down there.

So what is our guess? Diabetes. I have too many symptoms and it is hereditary, like it or not. I used to think only fat people got it, but you can actually be skinny and get it, too. Obese people, on the other hand, are more at risk of getting it. I’m fat but not obese. Not yet anyway. I read that type 1 can’t be prevented, but being active and at an ideal weight may prevent type 2. An active lifestyle is no problem, but an ideal weight is impossible. Another scarily familiar thing I read was “trouble seeing (especially at night), light sensitivity, blindness in the future.”

Wonder if the OH the eye doc caught last year is connected?

Of course the one symptom I don’t have is the best one, weight loss. I knew that PMS and pregnancy could cause hunger, but didn’t realize diabetes could, too. I knew of the other symptoms, though. Tired of worrying and obsessing over my weight I resigned myself to the fact that I would never lose weight since I can’t stand the hunger and fatigue that goes with dieting, and figured I’d always be at least 25 pounds overweight. I’m naturally hungry and with occasional bouts of fatigue, so that’s part of why I haven’t lost the weight. I don’t doubt that Nutrisystem works, but that’s only if you can actually STICK to it. I don’t see how I ever could, though, so I learned to look at the pros of being big and accepted that this would be how I would live the rest of my years.

Another thing I’ve experienced for a few years now is these mysterious head rushes. Sometimes I get them after eating sugar, other times they just seem to come on for no apparent reason, but feelings of lightheadedness would be consistent would diabetes. Also, Tom got a home testing kit for that and cholesterol and my sugar level numbers did once seem a bit high. But then we tested me again and I seemed fine.

Worst-case scenario I will have to watch what I eat. Most days I don’t have junk food, but sugar is found in more things than we realize. Even watermelon has tons of natural sugars in it. So a tweak of my menu is probably in order for me, but don’t ever expect me to get down to the 120s.

Later…

I realized that the symptoms of what we suspect may be diabetes, until I can get back to the doctor, have probably been festering for years. Like back when I was thin, though again, weight doesn’t seem to impact it so much as genes, unless you’re extremely heavy. Seems like it was 5 or more years ago when I noticed I seem to be thirsty a lot and a peeaholic. Then the dizzy spells started. I won’t even get into the hunger and how I have some days where nothing seems to fill me up, or when it does, it’s not for long and I end up having to stuff myself silly for half the day just to feel satiated for more than 5 minutes.

This is exactly what I feared would happen too; that God would “punish” me for finally getting what I wanted in life, a home of our own. I didn’t worry about it all the time on a conscious level, but it was a concern that was always at least in the back of my mind. While so many others can get something for nothing, I seem to have to pay dearly, even if it’s something I deserve. And hey, when He can’t beat us over the head with money, why not go after my health, right? I still don’t think it’ll amount to much more than a hassle and an inconvenience. Diabetes isn’t usually serious unless you’re dumb enough to scarf down tons of candy bars when you have type 2. Then you could be risking heart disease and strokes and shit like that.

I’m just trying not to think of the many, many appointments for various doctors that await me as I get caught up on things, or how the costs could really add up. Totally, totally something God would let happen, too.

Later…

I was thinking about how simple this trip should be compared to when I won the Caribbean cruise in 2007. Here we will just drive ourselves to the airport, hop on the plane in Sacramento, go straight through to our destination, then do the same coming home.

The cruise trip, though, was hectic as hell. We walked the 10-minute walk to the train station in Klamath Falls, OR, trained up to Portland, spent a night in a hotel, flew out of Portland the next day to the hub in Atlanta, Georgia, flew to Fort Lauderdale, FL, stayed overnight in a hotel, took a taxi the next day to the ship, then repeated the process coming home.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 19, 2014 “Why are you shoplifting now?” Tom asked me earlier. I looked at him with utter confusion. “Are you now sneaking things out of stores when we go shopping?” he asks.

Thinking he was saying that something somehow accidentally got added to our stuff or not rung up at Sam’s Club, he then holds up a pair of men’s dress pants still with its tags on.

I burst out laughing and said, “I remember when you went to Ross to get those.”

He was completely stumped as to how they appeared in his closet all of a sudden. Remember, his wife is the one who does the packing and unpacking whenever we move or travel. “You got those for job interviews when we first came to Cali,” I told him.

But back in those days, even an older white man could get a job in a couple of weeks tops and none of his interviews required anything that dressy. Especially with so many applications AND interviews being conducted online like what was starting to be a regular thing by then.

Still not sure if we’re going to go with flooring or carpeting or what but we’ll decide when we return from our vacation. We’re not interested in upping the value of the place, but the comfort of our home instead, and making it what we want it to be whether it ups the value or not. I’m leaning back towards carpet. It may be harder to clean, but it feels and looks nicer and the rats love it. It’s easier for them to grip their feet on it when running around.

The place I’d like to live our final few years in doesn’t exist and that would be at the top of a SOUNDPROOF highrise. That way I’d be away from the street/landscaping sounds and we would have no yard/property to maintain.

Little by little, we are making preparations for our trip and my schedule is now officially aimed for Hawaii. Luckily I haven’t had any nightmares, a bad thing for those of us whose bogeymen like to step out of our nightmares and into our reality, but oh my fucking goodness! The constant waking up with weird/negative dreams or just for the hell of it sure does get old! No wonder I’m so sleep-needy. Gotta sleep a little longer to make up for all that waking up. I must wake up 4-6 times during the night (or day). I usually go right back to sleep, but sleeping straight through is a long-ago memory for me at this point. Well, they don’t want to send me to a sleep clinic just for the fun of it, so we’ll see what they say, though I still can’t imagine learning anything new from them than what I’ve already been told.

I just hope to hell I get through the next 9 days without certain types of nightmares, which could only mean trouble ahead. Just like I knew the nightmare I had in Oregon before the cruise meant we were in for rough sailing, (pardon the pun). Plus we also got to return to frozen pipes. Fun. I don’t think anything will go seriously wrong, though, and if there are any serious annoyances at least it will be for a week and not for months or even years.

Tom trimmed some trees along the property line when they pulled in next door. Virginia said hi, but went straight into the house while Tom and Bob chatted a few minutes. Bob told him he could come down on their side to make trimming easier so he wouldn’t have to bend over since some of the leaves extended up and over to their side. That was nice of him and certainly made it easier since next door’s about 3’ lower than us. There’s a retaining wall dividing the properties.

The people here sure are much nicer and more considerate than any other place I’ve ever lived in, but hey, it’s a retirement community where people are older and they own their places. People help people here and no one disappears for a week without people getting concerned. That’s why we’ve let next door know and we’ll alert the office too, when we go to pay the rent, which will be a few days earlier than it’s due since we won’t be here on the first.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 18, 2014 10 more days till Hawaii! It’s so hard to believe, even though I’ve been all over the country and even to other countries.

We’re making all kinds of preparations. Setting up the cameras that are going to watch this house like a hawk right along with the park security. I didn’t realize this till today when I noticed this when we were returning from Sam’s Club, but the gated entrance videos its incoming traffic. Most of the parks definitely don’t have that added luxury, I’m sure.

I just can’t believe it, though! We didn’t think we’d live to escape that bummy old trailer much less to go sailing, swimming, shopping and sunning in Hawaii. With my shit luck, I’ll burn to a crisp, but that’s okay. Then my body can match my face for once, which is always red with what I think is rosacea.

This facts site I follow says the more intelligent you are, the more you dream. rolls eyes Gee, I must be a fucking genius then! The “dream people” weren’t very nice to me at all. I woke up a million times after they puked all over my shoes, blew me away in a severe storm, and then Nane spoke incorrect German to me when she took me to an outdoor restaurant in Germany. I’m sure she’ll love that one, too. We sat down to eat when I spaced out all of a sudden to gaze at all the sights and sounds around me. After a minute she told me to “Essen der Essen,” which should’ve been “Essen das Essen.”

At Sam’s, we got some groceries and I got the same light blue colored memory foam bath mat for the master bath that I’d gotten for the other bath. I wanted plum, but they were out, and I prefer light blue to apple, tan and ivory. The pink bath mats I had in there were fine, but the Robo vac can’t vacuum those as well as the memory foam one. The memory foam is stiffer so its corners don’t fold over when the Robo rolls onto it.

I moved one of the pink bath mats by the bed and the other will just be stored away for now. Then I gave Tom the large piece of tan carpet that was by the front door when we moved in for him to use in the workshop. I only got one memory foam mat for the bathroom figuring I could just drag it over when I use the tub, which isn’t very often. That reminds me, I should run water for a few seconds to keep the water in the trap from evaporating.

We’re considering doing what Andy did only in different rooms and only if it’s going to be significantly cheaper than carpet. The original plan was to carpet all the rooms except for the kitchen, baths and laundry room. Now, though, we’re thinking of flooring the bedrooms with a laminate like what Andy has that looks like hardwood floors. As Andy himself said, carpet is harder to clean than floors. My office chair sure would roll around easier and it would be easier to move furniture, too. I would, however, get a large area rug for the living room. I do still like to play on the floor with the rats, then there are my workouts, though I do have a mat for when I’m working my abs. It’s definitely something worth looking into. Carpet may feel nicer to walk on and flooring the place may seriously lower the value of our home, but carpet definitely isn’t necessary and it definitely is harder to clean. If it’s more than $500 cheaper than carpet, I’m interested.

My little office is set up in the corner of the living room and when I turn around and look at the living room and dining area and think that that was once all the space we had to live in for half a decade, I’m like, OMFG.

I also got a pack of 3 soft fuzzy socks. They almost keep my feet too warm, but I like them a lot.

Other than an occasional “like” on something I post, my nieces don’t seem eager to interact with me. I guess that may be a good thing, though, since they often seem to be in a bad mood. I see a lot of Tammy in them, unfortunately.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 17, 2014 Had a nice invigorating yet relaxing twilight run. That’s my true obsession (besides writing and languages). More so than what food I eat and what the numbers are on the scale. I can’t imagine not running at least every other day. I’m getting faster. What once took me 35 minutes now takes 25. Passed Hazel along the way, not surprisingly, sweeping away at nothing. Well, it looked like she may’ve had a little pile of dirt going. She was her usual friendly and chipper self, but not very talkative, so I didn’t push her. I hate to push people to chat cuz I hate it when they push me to chat when all I want to do is sit in silence, lost in my own thoughts or whatever it is I may be doing at the moment.

If most people believe something to be true, does that really make it true? Interesting question someone asked me. I suppose it could. But not necessarily. Most people believe gays are evil sinners, but does that make it true? I think sometimes we simply get brainwashed by society. Then again, just because most people may not believe in something doesn’t mean it’s not true either.

Seeing the majority of people believing in what I believe to be pure bullshit isn’t nearly as annoying as the dual standards society still holds for women and men. 50 years ago I would have been criticized for not having kids. Today I’m criticized for not having a job outside of the house. In 50 years it will be something else. But when is a MAN ever criticized for having kids and told, “You shouldn’t have done that. You should be focusing solely on your career.” Really, why can’t we laugh at a MAN who says he wants to marry and have a family and tell HIM he’s an old-fashioned prude? We criticize men for breaking the law and things like that but never for their lifestyle. Only women have a set of do’s and don’t’s hanging over their heads.

Later…

They recommend we get to the airport two hours before our flight is scheduled to take off, and I’m like, two hours?! Gee, why don’t we just go there now?

Tom read that some backaches aren’t due to something being wrong, but faulty signals instead. Something about the way the signal gets transferred to the brain or something like that. I still sometimes have lower back pain, but it’s been better lately.

I really feel for my nieces right now. They have 5 more months in the apartment they’re renting together and apparently the neighbors fight all night, the lazy landlord doesn’t fix shit, and like most places today what with all the cars people have, there aren’t enough parking spots and Sarah doesn’t always get one. So Becky’s way of preserving her one is to park on a line in the parking lot so she can get one that way, LOL.

Still, I really feel for them. I know how noisy apartments are and how much likely renters are to be rude and inconsiderate compared to owners. Maybe they can save to buy a house, though I don’t know if they could afford to or would even want to have to pay for anything that breaks.

It’s too bad everyone can’t live in a place like this (never thought I’d live to say that), but I realize that some people like the action of the mainstream and the city and that they want to hear their neighbors cuz then they can have fun eavesdropping and spying on them in a way that is socially acceptable.

Speaking of this place, I forgot to mention earlier that I saw a couple of fire trucks at someone’s house while out running. No smoke, pig cars or ambulances, though. Wonder if someone was having a heart attack. Or feeling like they were.

The turkeys held up traffic for a minute along the way, LOL. They seem to be getting to know me along with some of the people cuz they’re not as quick to hurry away. I can get within just a few feet of them and can hear their toenails tapping the road as they walk.

Been thinking of how Tammy and I talked about meeting up in Florida someday after Tom retires, but that’s still way too far into the future to know for sure. We may leave the country or we may just stay here. I doubt we’d live wherever they end up living if we did go because I don’t expect to ever have as much money as them. We’ll probably go for something like this place that is set up like co-op living where the cost of your actual place is lower but you pay a monthly fee for maintenance and amenities. Manufactured homes used to be cheaper than on-site houses, but once they started building them better and better and more like houses, they often cost about the same.

Had to switch to a different keyboard the other day as mine kept going out. I had to replug its cable every time I wanted to use it after not using it for a while. Then we downloaded a driver so this keyboard’s features can be used on a Mac. I like this keyboard better. It’s now been almost 6 years since I won us these Macs and we’ve never had a single virus yet.

My German hottie wished me a nice weekend. Aw, how sweet. :)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2014 Got up at 1:30. Been a little tired ever since, but not too bad. A half-hour later Tom got home from work, then about 15 minutes later we headed out for the lab. Turns out I only needed blood drawn. I didn’t need to pee in a cup. I slipped back into the 140s but that’s only cuz this test required 12 hours of fasting beforehand and I’d last eaten at around 2am.

I’m just worried that all these specialists and procedures not fully covered by our insurance are going to really add up and really delay the hell out of the home improvements.

My brother would’ve turned 60 yesterday if he hadn’t died in 2012 of liver cancer, and today’s the day my nephew died at age 16 in a trucking accident in 1997. First Sandy lost a child at 8 months pregnant, then her teenage son. God has been totally cruel and compassionless where her kids are concerned, but at least Jen seems to have made it through life unscathed so far.

After having 4 vials of blood drawn for the millions of tests they’re conducting, we went to Carl’s Jr. for a burger and fries. Then we browsed through another Goodwill store. I love checking them out every few weeks or so. You never know what awesome treasures you might find at awesome prices.

They had an awesome little black doll but with a hideously looking cartoonish face, so I didn’t get it. Another doll was just the opposite with a pleasant face, and hot pink hair, but a body that wasn’t very detailed or realistic so I didn’t get that one either. I know I shouldn’t accumulate more junk to have to dust, but what I did end up getting, for just a few bucks each, was a really nice fairy figurine. It’s kind of big and heavy and the kind you can put outdoors if you want. She’s got a dusting of fine gold glitter on her wings and sculpted dress and is sitting on the counter for now.

I also got one of those “breathable” Perfect Petzzz that normally goes for $40. This one is a cocker spaniel and it’s nicer than my golden retriever puppy. My golden pup has an on/off switch, but this one simply breathes till the battery dies. Don’t have a D battery right now, though.

Got Twinkle, my 22” doll, a new outfit also, since Hillary stole hers. She’s in a pale pink velvety top with a pink floral skirt. The waistband is a bit loose, but she’s posed lying on her tummy while propped on her elbows, so it doesn’t matter.

Since they started making nail polish with skinny brushes for doing designs it’s never been easier to do doll nails. I could even do the fairies. In the past, I would have to dab a toothpick in the polish and use that.

I know this is pure fantasy but it would be so nice to get a 3D printer, design and print 3D images, paint them, then sell them in my own little store. But I have a feeling this is something God would stop me from doing or at least from making any steady money at. Again, if He wanted me earning an income of my own He wouldn’t have cursed me with this type of sleep disorder. I’m sure the day I die will be the day you can get jobs online that pay at least minimum wage, though I would think most people would still want to work out of the house where they can be around other people. At this point, I wouldn’t care who was around so long as it was something I could do on my own schedule.

The rats are out playing now in their boxes. Again, they’d be absolutely heartbroken if they didn’t have those things to play in, haha. It’s their little play station or playground or whatever you want to call it. Let’s see these smarty rats knock my trash bin over now, though. I propped it up on a heavy jar.

While I have been enjoying a wonderfully trolless (I could get very used to this, too) poor Andy picked up a troll on Facebook. He’s the administrator of some pages there and I guess that when he had to ban someone they didn’t take it very well.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2014 We rebooted my computer while holding down the ‘alt’ key. It’s supposed to fix errors that accumulate on the drive and make things run faster. It seems to have helped a lot. Then I backed up on the Time Machine.

A few nights ago I had a dream Tom was going for a job interview somewhere but was still working his regular job. His bosses knew about the interview and didn’t seem to have a problem with it.

In my last dream, someone tried to rape me in a field, and as I told Andy, the good thing about being so fat and ugly is knowing this is so unlikely to happen for real. “You’re too obsessed with your weight,” he told me. Yeah, we all have our “rational” and silly fears and one of mine (besides Tom and I growing old with no one to help us) is getting so fat no matter what I eat and how much I exercise that I get so damn big I can barely wipe my own ass.

After the results of the lab testing come back I will then make a decision as far as what to do about my weight. I may not have much choice if this is truly how I naturally am meant to be. Just like we can’t always be taller just because we may want to be, well, we can’t always be thinner. If we could then so many of us wouldn’t be so big. Right now I only know I am NOT dieting before or during Hawaii.

I guess lipid profiling has to do with cholesterol, according to Andy. We may go to the lab tomorrow afternoon cuz the tests require 9 hours of fasting beforehand. I’ll be getting up around the time he gets in from work, so that would be a good time. Then we’ll go out to eat afterward. No guarantees, though. If something comes up then it will have to wait. Again, I don’t want to think about my health or weight till after the trip. I’m still pretty sure nothing’s wrong with me anyway. That would be my guess unless I am ever told otherwise.

We got our flight info and are going to be in the back row of 1st class on both flights – yes! No unruly kids to possibly be kicking the back of our chairs while its equally rude mother just sits there and allows it to do so.

The huge loud dog just outside the outskirts of the park makes me glad for once that my neighbors are always home, even if they aren’t exactly our immediate neighbors. On the rare occasion that its owners take off, the fucker is so damn loud that late at night you can hear it in certain parts of the house. It’s barely audible compared to how Jesse’s dogs used to be, but there’s no doubt what it is.

Got up just before 2pm today and heard the usual landscaping and traffic sounds till after 4:00. I stopped and briefly chatted with Hazel along the way when I was out running. Sweet but not all there Hazel, sweeping away on the common area that’s the park’s responsibility and virtually devoid of leaves because the park keeps up on it often enough. I should know. I hear them when I’m up and about.

rubs achy knees Sometimes I wonder if running is as overrated as racism.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2014 The appointment with Dr. C went well. There was very little waiting time and the doctor was very nice. Blond, tall, and kind of dressed like a nun without the habit; black shoes, black hose, black baggy dress.

A male nurse took some basic info from me first, then the doctor and I discussed things. Tom was with me so I didn’t have to repeat everything to him afterward and he could add anything of importance I may forget. Really, my memory is NOT like it used to be and I can’t think as fast as I used to either. I wonder if that’s normal for 48, but anyway, all my vitals are fine and unless I flunk my upcoming tests and exams, I highly doubt anything is wrong with me. Nothing serious anyway.

I’m a little overwhelmed by the fact that I will undoubtedly have more appointments this year alone than in the last 15 years. I have not seen a primary care physician since the late 90s. Other than the dentist and a few specialists, I spent nearly a decade without insurance. So there is a lot to catch up on. It’s just that the last time I did this it was a little easier because I had good vision, I wasn’t fat, and I wasn’t deafer than deaf. When out in public where there are many sounds coming at me at once everything seems to blend into one big senseless noise.

She looked down my throat, in my eyes and ears, listened to my heart and lungs, which are crystal clear, felt the glands in my neck, felt my tummy and gave me a tetanus shot. Not sure what that was for, though, since it’s not like I stepped on a rusty nail or anything. I already feel like I’ve been punched in the arm, too. I’m looking at the paperwork on what they’ve done and are going to do and it actually says “tetanus and diphtheria vaccine,” whatever the hell that means. Medical stuff interests me about as much as it would to have to listen to someone talk about God while I watched a football game.

LOL, for the status of this and that she’s got “overdue, overdue, overdue.” You got that right!

We discussed my allergies and how I had asthma that has since gone dormant since quitting smoking. We discussed my ear, sleep issues and tardive dyskinesia, a condition caused by the quacks that gave me happy pills in my late teens to early 20s that kindly neglected to warn me of this permanent condition which causes sporadic twitching in the face and neck muscles. I wouldn’t have brought the TD up, but a doctor (another quack?) once told me it was important to do so.

It was nice to be able, for the first time in my life, to bring up my sleep issues now that it’s been a real and documented condition since 1999, without hearing that I’m a lazy excuse queen who doesn’t really want to work because she hates people and that if I just set my alarm every day, I will finally break this “nasty habit” I so stupidly and selfishly got myself into by “using” my husband to support me.

I also told her I hadn’t pursued treatment as everything we were told and read suggests there’s not much that can be done about it, and I can’t get my disability benefits reinstated anyway because I didn’t work enough years, as fucked as that sounds. I mean, that’s WHY I didn’t work enough years, duh, but the wording is everything and all that was listed on my initial round of benefits was stress and anxiety and PTSD, but this was back in the 80s. As far as everyone was concerned back then, non-24-hour sleep cycle didn’t exist.

She wants me to see a specialist anyway. I guess they treat it with light and melatonin but don’t know the details right now. Something about a special kind of light that “tricks” you into thinking it’s daylight when it’s not. I don’t know how effective this is, though, or if it means they can now cure me so I can go get a job cleaning rooms at a hotel. That’d be the first thing I’d look for anyway. It’s straightforward work that you mostly do by yourself. Shouldn’t be too hard to get even though I’m older, white, a native US citizen and female, right?

Sometime up in Oregon I first noticed I had an ingrown toenail. It’s in my big left toe. It’s been an annoyance ever since, but again, we were uninsured or broke or sometimes both, so it hasn’t been dealt with yet. She’s going to perform a little surgery by numbing the toe and cutting that part of the nail out. It could grow back the same way or it could not grow back at all. Don’t know yet, but she agrees it was probably caused by a fungus. I am NOT looking forward to having needles stuck in my toe, but… no pain, no gain.

The dates of all my upcoming appointments aren’t yet etched in stone, but I will have blood and urine work done to test my thyroid and metabolism as well as hormone levels, diabetes, hepatitis and the usual things they do routine testing for. There are other things listed for testing but I don’t know what they mean. Vitamin D 25 hydroxy? Lipid profile?

Let’s see… I’ve gone this far even though I shouldn’t have and it really makes me uncomfortable to discuss anything medical, but for whatever it’s worth…

BP: 118/80

Pulse: 76 (that’s low for me)

Respirations: 20

Temperature: 97.6 (brrr)

Weight: 151

Height: 4’ 10.75” (WTF? And people call this “fun” size? Tell that to me when I’m trying to reach something from the top shelf!)

What worries me is how much the surgery, ear and sleep specialists may cost thus slowing down the home improvements. I want new carpet! And I want it THIS year!

We were surprised she was going to be doing both the toe surgery and the female exam. We thought she’d send us to specialists for that, too. She admits she’s not comfortable dealing with my ear, though. Congenital atresia is for the specialists only. Still…appointments, appointments, appointments! Yes, it’s nice to get this shit out of the way, but it’s still no fun, ya know? I still have to deal with the eye doctor and dentist, too.

Really, really didn’t want to have to get a female exam. Yeah, I know it’s risky not having them, but still… what are the odds of anything serious erupting down there? That may be more uncomfortable than my toe. I haven’t had sex in ages!

I didn’t know cervical cancer crept on you so fast. I knew early detection of breast cancer was important, but I thought there’d be some kind of pain or warning with cervical cancer. Shit, they’ll probably want me to have a mamo, too.

MONDAY, JANUARY 13, 2014 A radio producer in NYC (no joke) wants to do a radio interview with me about a writing project I worked on for them, but they never once mentioned money. If you’re not a friend I’m helping out, well, money talks or else Miss Rainbow walks.

“I feel like I’m gaining weight like a mother fucker,” I said to Tom after returning home sweaty and panting, “but it was a damn good run anyway.”

“Mother fuckers must be really talented,” said Tom. “After all, you say you’re as tired as a mother fucker, bloated as a mother fucker, pissed as a mother fucker, happy as a mother fucker, hungry as a mother fucker, writing like a mother fucker, learning languages like a mother fucker… mother fuckers must be pretty amazing.”

After I burst out laughing it was his turn to let out a burst of laughter once he took a look at our Macs. I told him that after reading the book I was reading I’d taken the precautionary measures of taping our webcams in case they ever got hacked. He said, “You can’t use scotch tape, sweetie. It’s clear.”

So he took it upon himself to cover them with orange duct tape. :)

Finally got fed up enough to kick Sarah off my feed. I’m sick of her posting the same old shit, particularly about her asshole father and God.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12, 2014 No rain today but the wind chimes are going off all around the house. It’s nice to hear, especially since it’s usually so calm out there.

Tom and I were chatting and we got on the subject of laws and porn after I was telling him about some crime documentaries I saw on YouTube and the rather interesting book I’m reading.

“I still don’t understand,” I said to Tom, “how one guy can get a fine and probation for beating the shit out of someone while another can go to prison for 4 years just for threatening someone. Doesn’t that seem totally backward? Anyone can make threats, but aren’t words just words unless you actually DO something?”

But then he pointed out that Charles Manson supposedly never killed anyone but he’s in jail for life. Would I want him released simply because all he’s done is make threats and encourage others to kill? NO!!! Absolutely not!

I guess it depends on the nature of the threats, the situation, the circumstances, and the people involved. Having someone say they’d like to strangle you for beating them at a game of chess is a far cry from being told you’re going to die by someone who’s got a rap sheet for assault.

I also still think it’s unfair as hell to give leniency to non-whites just as it was unfair when it used to be the other way around, and I don’t care how politically correct it may be to favor the previously oppressed. Make up the past by being fairer to them, not by favoring them, I say, because two wrongs never make a right.

As I told Tom, I’d rather not be attacked at all, of course, but if someone ever tried to hurt or kill me, I hope they’re white so they can’t play the race card, which we know would automatically work in their favor when they tried to say I tried to attack them for their color. I’d rather be attacked by a white person that got away with it, than by a black person that I went to jail for on assault charges that were really a case of self-defense.

The book I’m reading is called Malicious and is fast-paced and full of suspense. The “Slave Master” hacks webcams and spies on women that he sometimes blackmails, including a female cop who’s into porn. Like me, she’s fat and forties. And she too, has tried treadmilling off the weight but found that it just won’t budge.

Regardless of the fact that porn is becoming just as popular with women as it is with men, I envy her ability to find pleasure and variety in it, even if some of it is unrealistic. She’s 44 and has 3 orgasms in under an hour? By 40 our appetites begin to dwindle right along with our eyesight, so one can be challenging enough to achieve no matter how good your partner or vibrator may be, but 3???

Unlike her, I have someone who will service me (unless he’s busy, sleeping or working) whenever I want, but wouldn’t it add such fun and variety to my sex life if only I could get into porn too?! Sometimes there are things we wish we did like as much as there are things we wish we didn’t like. But porn does absolutely nothing for me. Nothing. Zip. Nada. It turns me on no easier than watching a video of someone jogging or a family of tigers bathing in the wild would turn me on. Thinking of a particular person I’m attracted to turns me on, but would I be any more turned on by watching that person participate in intimate acts with others? Hmm… not sure. But oh what fun it would be if I could get turned on watching a couple go at it while Tom was asleep, then by watching some hot chick do herself while he was at work. But unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way for me and I don’t think I can make it work that way any more than someone can make themselves attracted to a particular gender or type of person that they just aren’t into.

Later…

We definitely have to get a new dishwasher when we return from Hawaii. There was a small puddle on the floor. I am NOT going back to the days of washing dishes any more than vacuuming. I refuse! Spoiled or not, I live in a lux manufactured home in a lux park and I’m not going back to my old ways now. So if it isn’t pots and pans, I’m not washing them!

Gotta carry on with the rest of the upgrades, too. We wanted to wait and see how much we’d spend in Hawaii first, which will probably be too damn much, knowing us.

We try to order things in bulk at Sam’s Club and on Amazon where they will be cheaper and save us a bit of money. For $160 we did an all-Prime Amazon order to save on shipping and he got a new hard drive for an old computer he’s using for special projects, a graphics card, and a drawer storage cabinet for tools. The rats got 20 pounds of food and some bedding. I got cinnamon K-cups, patchouli incense, and a few more of those realistic solid vinyl animals for my collection of farm and wildlife animals. To join the others will be a white-tailed fawn, a howling coyote, and a nursing German shepherd.

Funny how so many people are “excited” to start Nutrisystem. Ooh, I’m excited to feel like I’m starving my ass off! So excited to have hunger pangs wake me up! Woo-hoo, so excited to be positively hungry as hell and sluggish. Don’t forget how exciting that will be too! There’s no greater feeling on earth than being sluggish and hungry and it damn near excites me right into peeing my pants. :)

Nane wasn’t offended at all, luckily. That’s nice to know. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world had she flipped out and dumped me, but I’m glad she didn’t. Apparently, Facebook is different in Germany. Where they can disallow messages from strangers (wish we could too), they don’t see their friends’ activities unless they go to their walls. What the hell does she see in her newsfeed then???

I explained to her that that’s how I know when she’s “liked” or commented on something. I can go to her wall too, but she is on my ‘close friends’ list and that allows you to see the most activity. Still, “Why are you spying on me Miss Rainbow?” was a weird question. She’s not only on my friend list, but she has a public account.

Later…

When Andy made the comment about me not believing racism existed I was both stunned and dismayed. It made me realize I’m not the good writer I thought I was if I gave that impression. Everybody experiences discrimination to some degree. What I’ve been saying is that reverse discrimination is just as real. In some places and cases, it’s MORE real. But many people don’t seem to want to believe that any more than they want to believe there is no God or that God is evil.

I know some blacks still get shit on and that sucks. But I also know that many of today’s claims of racism are pure bullshit and not just because I was a victim of reverse discrimination myself. What happened to me wasn’t just about race, though. That was part of it. The other part was revenge for lodging a city complaint about noise and vandalism. Just because some of them are getting shit on doesn’t mean there isn’t even more of the shitting on us. Years ago society was afraid to address domestic violence and child abuse. Maybe someday people will be brave enough to address the fact that yes, many blacks do see playing the race card as a very hip thing to do. They are often favored in the courts and in the job market and often cry racism when someone pisses them off without caring who their false claims may hurt. So do I believe none get discriminated against? Absolutely not. Do I think many are exaggerating or making up bogus claims of discrimination to gain something or spite someone else? Absolutely.

For a group that can have black this and black that without being called racists, be exempt from being charged with hate crimes, and behave as they often do as a whole, I have a hard time feeling sorry for them. I’m fine with individuals who are fair, honest and real, but as a whole they suck and I don’t understand why so few people see this. Same goes for Arabs. As a whole, I have no sympathy for them. If you’re an individual who can live without killing someone that pisses you off, then I may talk to you. Meanwhile, I’m a bigot and a monster for not being politically hip, cool and correct by not loving every Arab that walks this earth same as blacks, right?

He said he wasn’t trying to piss me off but knew his posting an anti-racism pic would piss me off. Then why post it??? He said because he knew I thought it didn’t exist. Again, that’s not what I thought, but we also can’t make someone believe something they don’t believe either or like a certain person or group. Those who hate gays and lesbians aren’t going to suddenly like them just because I tell them to or want them to or go around posting anti-gay bashing pics. It’d be like someone trying to tell them Arabs are wonderfully loving, mellow, rational people who aren’t pro-violence. In other words, it’s not going to work. So we may as well not only accept who we hate/like/love, but who others hate/like/love as well. If anything, the more we try to rub something in people’s faces, not that he or anyone else is necessarily doing that, the more they tend to resist.

Meanwhile, it’s okay to take action against a black person who has been victimized in some way. What’s NOT okay is to sit back and allow them to do the same thing to whites that they don’t want whites doing to them. Dual standards. It has always pissed me off when women go down harder for the same crimes men commit or get less pay for the same jobs men have, so why should it be okay for blacks to discriminate against whites? Because of their history as slaves? But that’s just it… it’s history and that’s why they call it Black History Month because it’s HISTORY.

Nonetheless, and as I told Andy, I’m personally sick of hearing about the subject. I’m only writing this cuz I realize that if a close friend could’ve had me wrong all this time, so could others, and so I just wanted to say that no, I don’t think racism against blacks is totally a thing of the past. I think a lot of it is, but not all of it. Somebody’s always gonna hate somebody, right or wrong, like it or not.

I was in therapy for many months on account of what happened to me and while it may be therapeutic to write about our negative experiences the same as our positive ones, I’d really rather not be reminded of it so much anymore than I would think a rape victim wants to read books and watch movies involving rape. Not trying to bury my head in the sand like so many want to do instead of actually dealing with reverse discrimination, but there’s only so much time we can focus on the bad things in life. I want to focus more on happier things. I know discrimination, abuse, violence, disease, hunger, poverty and other horrible things exist and always will. But sometimes I just want to see the sunshine, you know? I don’t want to wonder what the hell my husband and I are going to do when we get too old to take care of ourselves. I don’t want to worry that I may one day end up severely obese. I don’t want to think about the possibility of getting cancer someday. I just want to see the sunshine, smell the roses, and enjoy knowing I have someone who truly loves me unconditionally and that I am healthy.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 11, 2014 Amazing! It’s actually raining out there! So I guess this will be our one rainy day for this month. We’ll probably experience more rain during our week in Hawaii than we do in half a year in Cali.

Tom said he read that adding salt doesn’t make water boil faster and that that’s just a myth. No wonder it seems to take forever no matter what.

Yesterday was the final day of the Fast Five Nutrisystem trial. Halfway through my day, I knew I had done it long enough to know what it was like, and started eating normally again. The next day (today) I awoke to find I’d gained the two pounds back I’d lost. All in less than half a day! So fuck NS. I don’t want to have to half-starve myself for life. Still having “skinny” dreams, though. Does this mean the doctor will find a thyroid problem and fix it? I doubt it. Seems too easy. I will mention my suspicions, though, as well as show off my beautiful ingrown toenail and ask what she recommends about that.

Can’t wait to find out if Nane dumps me come Monday after letting her know I took offense to her “question,” assuming she checks in that day. Guess it will depend on how busy she is. If she does I won’t be on Facebook that much at all. I’m sick of the glitches and could definitely do without having to hear about how much Sarah loves her asshole daddy. clenches fists Like a rape victim having to hear all kinds of praise for her rapist. I could block her from my newsfeed, but she is my niece and would rather not do that just yet. It’s weird, though. All this love and praise for her father and sister (the sister I can understand), but none for Mom? They always seemed to get along at least from what I can tell.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 10, 2014 We have now lived here for half a year! I can just imagine how many outdoor projects the Jes pest has completed in this 6-month period. How many decks has he hammered out? How many old mufflers has he beat on? How many engines has he built and gunned? How many trees has he sawed down? How many times has he roared in and out on his Harley? How many problems has the trailer had? How much barking has the new renters had to hear? How many firebreaks will his motorcycle-loud bulldozer have to create? A lot if I’m right about this drought being the new way, thanks to global warming.

Anyway, today is the last day of the Fast Five. I will decide next month if I want to go all out on it. It will surely prove or disprove my thyroid suspicions if I do. I’m just glad my period was on time so that’s one less thing I have to deal with when trying to enjoy my Hawaiian vacation! Now if my sleep issues and screaming kids could just keep out of it…

Today I got that head rush or lightheaded feeling or whatever it is for the first time in nearly a week, but it backed off after I ate. I don’t like to discuss medical problems anymore, but will just quickly say that I’ll be addressing my ingrown toenail which gets on my nerves at times to the new doctor I see in a few days and we’ll see what she recommends. I guess I’ll probably return after the trip for standard blood and urine work too, but I don’t know about a female exam. I’m the type that would prefer not to go to a doctor unless I have a problem, though I know some wouldn’t agree with that. Tom thinks I should have my heart listened to every now and then as heart disease is hereditary and is what killed my father, both grandfathers, and an uncle.

On the menu for my final trial day is a peanut butter granola bar for breakfast, potato soup for lunch, flatbread pizza for dinner, and a peppermint patty for dessert. I will, as always, mix in some fruits, veggies and dairy. Baby apples are a good thing. They’re cheap and easy to grab and eat whenever. I don’t hate them like I hate carrots, but I’m not overly fond of apples either. With baby ones, I can take just a few bites and not have to deal with eating a whole apple. Yesterday’s snack was popcorn and OMG! It was delicious! Very movie theater-like. Loved the chicken Alfredo, too.

Later…

Alison has not only continued to get emails from Molly and her mother, but mostly Molly, but she deleted that account. Apparently, Molly would send messages from a few accounts and they would go back and forth. In one she wanted to send her a belated Christmas present and in another, she’s accusing her of being a mean, heartless bitch. Don’t know that I’d go so far as to delete the account, but am glad they never got a hold of any of my email addies. Alison seems to change email addies regularly, though, which may have to do with work or something I don’t know about.

Molly is currently restricted from going online, but give it two months or so, and the “experts” will deem her cured and allow her to go back online to repeat her mistakes which mostly consists of contacting those who don’t want to be contacted. My tracker will tell me when she returns. She can’t see my blog, but she can still go to it. It’s like with Facebook. Anyone can go to my Facebook page, they just can’t see the posts. For now, I am enjoying a troll-free, drama-free cyber life! Still not sure if a year of going underground and making myself hard to access and my activity a total mystery will shake her or Kim completely, cuz there’s a difference between the mean troll and the crazy troll. A lot of crazy people out there seem to live in a time warp with absolutely no sense of time whatsoever. A year under radar to them could very well seem like a week. They simply have no perception of time.

Then I get another email from Alison today saying that Kim dumped her and she felt hurt, angry and sad, but figured all she could do was learn from it and move on. True, and as I told her, I can’t express the importance of going underground enough to her, and not contacting or responding to them in either way. Not if she wants the slightest chance in hell of forever escaping these loons.

In Aly’s email about Kim shutting her out, she said to please not tell her that I told her so. I told her no problem and that if anything SHE might soon be telling me that. Back when Nane dumped me in 2010 for 6 weeks, supposedly due to a misunderstanding, she said she felt she had been playing with me and might eventually dump me again.

But then Nane and I made up and things were fine. About 2-5 times a week we’d chat and she really seemed to care about me and what was going on in my life. She let me into her life as well and shared some interesting experiences with me, which I appreciated and enjoyed.

Now, though, I’m wondering if she’s on the verge of dumping me again. If she does I can tell you right now there will be no round two of kissing and making up. I fought to win her back over the first time, but this time I’m not going to care enough to fight for her. If she wants out of this friendship, fine. I will let her go because I know the frustration of what it’s like to try to disengage myself from those I no longer want to associate with who just can’t let go, and would never want to make anyone feel like they’re stuck with me or anything like that. If you want out… go!

Fortunately, Nane’s one of the few I can imagine ever stalking me if our friendship did end. Most people, though, will seek revenge on you and stalk the hell out of you. Sure seems that way anyway.

The last several weeks I’ve been hearing less and less from her and at first I wondered if it was because she saw a picture of me that shows the weight I gained. I didn’t regret sharing it with her, though, cuz that’s how you know your true friends. Also, I’m comfortable enough with how/who I am that I don’t need anyone’s approval either. If I ever do lose weight it will be for me and me only. Sorry, but trying to snuff that selfish side of me is like trying to snuff that side of me that loves rats as pets. That’s been my attitude for a long time now. Don’t like how I look; the simple solution is to just not look at me. :)

But I wasn’t sure that this had anything to do with it since we did have quite a bit of contact immediately afterward. Eventually, I started hearing less and less from her and began to wonder why and why she was ignoring or at least putting off my messages and not able to answer a simple little question like whether or not she got the email I sent her. I also reminded her to give me her address, which she said she would do so I could send her a postcard from Hawaii, and she hasn’t even done that. Finally, I messaged her this morning and told her I’d seen her online every day but wanted to give her space. Meanwhile, is everything okay?

Then I wake up today to find, “Why are you spying on me, Miss Rainbow?”

I blinked with confusion and said to myself, is this a joke? She IS on my friend list, duh, so I can see her likes, comments, and other activities without having to “spy.” But there was no smiley face she usually includes when she’s joking and I began to wonder if her heart was really in our friendship at this point.

As time went on and I had a chance to reflect on it, I realized I was kind of offended by this “question.” Anyone who feels “spied” on should not be on my friend list. Period. I even considered deleting her and seeking out a couple of friends’ advice but didn’t want to drag them into something that had nothing to do with them. But then when Alison shared her story with me I felt I could update her and ask what she thought she would do. She said she could be joking. It’s hard to say. She too, would probably feel insulted by that but I shouldn’t delete her without telling her how I feel. How she reacts will probably answer my question as to whether or not she really wants to remain friends. I agree. So I did tell her how I felt and asked if she still wanted to be friends. I have a feeling it’s going to piss her off and into dumping me, but that’s how I’ll know, and as I said before, the door is wide open if she wants to go. I don’t want to dump her just to end up wondering if I jumped the gun and made a mistake like I almost did with Adonis, thanks to fucking Kim and her impersonation games she just has to play. I’d rather let her dump me and spare me any guilt if that’s what she truly ends up doing.

Later…

Had a dream I wrote:

Dear God,

Someday you’re going to allow someone to fuck me over that even You can’t protect.

When I awoke my mind flashed back to all those who wronged me in both big ways and little ways as a child and as an adult - from family to friends, from authority figures to neighbors - and how no one has ever been made accountable for any of it. This still, and will always, bother me to know that I am so damn worthless in God’s eyes that I am deserving of whatever shit people want to dish at me and it’s okay. Again, I don’t believe in coincidences. Not when there are too many of them anyway. A few people getting away with things would’ve been one thing, but when so many have done so much that always, always happen to have a hold on me or are somehow out of reach and exempt from either the law or my fists, it’s obvious that a higher power of some kind is protecting them. I’ve known this for a while now.

What I realize is that I’m no different than others in some ways. I have made it a point for a long time now not to be vengeful in ways I can possibly be vengeful, but I also realize that just like everyone else, I am only human and I do have my limits. Everybody’s got a breaking point at which they could snap like a twig. Mine would be if someone tried to harm the person I love most – my husband.

Let the law handle anyone who did that?!?! Our often corrupt and unfair law?!?! My ass I would let them handle it and risk the perp walking on some lame technicality whose whereabouts I may not be able to trace!

Leave it to karma to get them? Nah, I don’t think so. Karma seems to forget an awful lot of people, and while karma may certainly be quick to visit me if I step out of line, karma visiting those who have wronged me (or my husband) is almost certainly pure wishful thinking. Remember, once you’ve met your soul mate, what happens to you happens to them. It was me the Phoenix people were after, but watching his wife get legally fucked over was victimizing him as well. So if my perps aren’t punished for their evil deeds, his probably wouldn’t be either, is my point.

After I was freed from jail and vindicated, I promised myself I would never ever again be held in captivity of any kind, and that doesn’t mean being held back by poverty like we were for many years. It means places like Valleyhead, Brattleboro, jails… anyplace I can’t open a door to and walk out of any time I want to. Cuz that’s another thing right there; if I’m ever framed and sent to jail ever again, the person(s) responsible better make damn sure I never get out alive, for sometimes we have to bypass doing what’s “right” to do what we feel is right in our hearts, legal or not, against society’s views or not.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9, 2014 Woke to Day 4 and was glad to find myself not utterly famished for once. Not gonna update my weight on NS, though until next month, if I decide to dive into this full-time.

I was wrong yesterday in saying I was down 2.2 pounds. It was actually 1.2, duh, but now it’s 1.4.

Anyway, today I definitely have to get out for my 2-mile run as I don’t like to take more than 2 days off from that. It’s a serious, hard-core, heart-pounding, foot-stomping, sweat-pouring workout, though, so it’s not something I do every day. Tomorrow is arm and ab day.

The rats are out getting their own daily exercise, then it will be my turn.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8, 2014 Down 2.2 pounds, hungry as hell, but still alive and well. Just a quick update for those considering or at least curious about the 5-day Nutrisystem trial I’ve been doing, then enough food talk for me! I’m staying offline more too, where I don’t have to see ad after ad about this restaurant or that restaurant, as well as posts and chats about what people ate for lunch and plan to eat for dinner. Tell me this shit on Saturday! I mean sure enough Andy’s got a pic up on how McDonald’s is out of “boy toys.” Sometimes I wonder if he likes to annoy/offend me or if he’s just that inconsiderate and lacking in common sense.

Unlike Andy, my sister and many others, I’ve never been good at cooking and nutrition and all that shit. Of course I know what’s healthy and what’s not, but I’ve never been good at balance, variety, measuring, cooking and that sort of thing. Part of it is probably due to my not being good with numbers. That’s why Tom takes care of the finances while I compose any important email (unless I’m not available when he needs it done) so he doesn’t have to spend 45 minutes doing what takes me just 5 minutes to do. Even though his spelling and grammar are pretty good, it takes him forever just to write a lousy paragraph about whatever. Every now and then I catch him in serious boo-boos like when he listed a sequined cap we sold on eBay back down in Arizona as “sequenced.” rolls eyes and laughs I’m sure he also thinks he “petals” his bike when he really pedals.

Anyway, I thought it’d be $300 a month to go all out on their program, and it is if you want to customize your menu. They have 3 plans, so I saw, but I would be fine on the basic plan for $230 where they choose your menu for you. There are only a few things I may not like in the plan, but I would still eat them. Hey, as hungry as you are on this thing you just might even consider dog shit! Nutrisystem’s food is still WAY better than most other diet foods like Weight Watchers. Their food is horribly spicy. Sometime in February I will sit down and write a list of pros and cons to both losing weight and NOT losing weight.

On today’s menu is a whole-wheat bagel with a touch of real honey for breakfast. Inside the package was this oxygen absorber that says DO NOT EAT. The bagel felt and tasted amazingly fresh, though a bit on the bland side.

Lunch will be a chocolate caramel bar, dinner will be a chicken pot pie, and dessert will be chocolate chip cookies.

I love having something different every day. Because I’m such a shitty cook, variety wasn’t easy for me. I’d often get things in bulk and have the same things too many days in a row. Tom would have to go for the more expensive customized plan if he ever wanted to do this cuz where I’ll eat almost anything, he’ll eat almost nothing. He’d hate about 75% of the stuff.

Yesterday was surprisingly worse hunger-wise. Some of that and the fatigue could be PMS-related, but I’m sure a great deal of it is the diet cuz that’s just what diets do. I’m hoping my stomach has now shrunk enough that it won’t feel like it’s been on empty for months. It’s too early in my day to say right now.

May skip my run for today, but haven’t decided yet. Maybe I’ll spend most of the day cleaning and proofreading.

The damn spiders are already back. When I walked through a break in the Cypress trees for yesterday’s run I felt a web cling to me – yuck!

The electric company was at the house across the street. I wonder if they found an electrical problem when they did the inspection cuz that seems to be when the deal fell through and it was put back on the market.

So what is it with my PMS being on time while my period is late???

Later…

My period is starting after all – yay, no period in Hawaii! – but I’m not sure that trying to avoid discussions and ads pertaining to food while on the Fast Five is right after all. Initially, I was hoping for a little more support (hint, hint), since after all, we wouldn’t wave a cigarette in front of someone’s face that was trying to quit, would we? I’d hope not anyway! But I also realize that the mentioning of food and ads related to it isn’t going to go away simply cuz I’m doing this trial run here.

NS recommends keeping a daily blog/journal about my dieting/exercising experiences to help me reflect on my progress and better reach my goals. This makes sense, but then some people will insist I’m obsessed with it and they’ve heard enough about it, blah, blah, blah.

Taps fingers thoughtfully What to do, what to do, what to do… I guess I should just do what I feel is best for me in this case and not worry so much about others. We all see/hear shit we’d rather not see/hear or that we don’t like and may not be interested in both online and offline. So… if you don’t want to read about my NS experience, don’t. Meanwhile, I’ll stay offline or at least be picky about where I go in cyberspace if I don’t want the food reminders.

That being said let me update Day 3. Well, it was terrible. I was hungry as hell and sluggish like you wouldn’t believe. I was really hoping today would be easier, but if this is the way it’s going to continue to be, then it’s not worth it at all. Hell, I’d rather GAIN weight than feel this yucky.

Two more days to go, though, so I’m not going to make any decisions just yet as to whether or not I’m going to go all out after the Hawaii trip.

Tomorrow’s menu is granola cereal for breakfast, red beans and rice for lunch, chicken Alfredo for dinner, and popcorn for dessert.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2014 After I write about Day 1 on Nutrisystem I’m going to stay offline as much as I can to avoid the food talk. You know how it is, people are always talking about food, ads are always talking about food, yet my hunger pangs are enough of a reminder. Screw trying to ask people (like Andy) to shut up about it when dealing with me directly. It ain’t their diet/suffering so what do they care? LOL, you want support, then get offline!

Anyway, I was what I expected to be throughout most of yesterday – hungry and tired. But I’ve already lost 1.8 pounds. I knew I would. It’s continuing to get results that I have a problem with, but we’ll find out if I can break that cycle in mid-February, and that’s only after finding out if 5 days of this shit is going to kill me or not, LOL. Today was off to a hungry start, but I expect that tomorrow will be when my tummy will have shrunk enough and gotten used to not taking in more than a couple hundred calories at once. It usually takes 72 hours to adjust to a diet. It will never be easy, but will be easier. Then after my trip, I can decide if I want to go all out or not. Yesterday I had:

Cinnamon streusel muffin Fudge Graham bar Lasagna Cheesecake bar 4 servings of veggies of my choosing Cheese Yogurt

Today, besides my veggies, cheese and smoothie, I’ll be having:

Double chocolate muffin Chicken noodle soup Chocolate covered pretzels Rotini and meatballs

The food is wonderful. It’s like being a kid again with having my meals prepared for me without actually being a kid again. Also without having to eat anything I don’t like, though the only item in this 5-day trial I might not like is the rice in a spicy sauce. Rice is fine, spicy sauce isn’t. The plan has a good variety of foods, including just enough sweetness that I don’t crave sweets or certain foods. No suddenly wanting to run out to KFC. No wanting to slam on a pint of coffee ice cream either.

Now Starbucks caramel K cups, on the other hand, is the most God-awful coffee I’ve ever had. It’s the weirdest shit. Tastes almost like it’s laced with pepper.

If I enroll in a plan online, then I can pick exactly what I want to eat and weed out anything that may be too spicy or too bland. Like I said, though, right now I just want to get a feel for what it’s like. No point in going all out with it now just to go stuff myself in Maui. If I feel it’s sustainable I’ll give it a shot in February, like I said, and see if I can lose more than the usual 3-5 pounds. My body will probably do what it usually does, though – drop a few pounds, then fight to hang onto the weight and slowly reset itself. I don’t have to get a whole month’s worth at first just in case history really does repeat itself, but then again, I like the food. So whether I lost a few pounds from it or more than just a few, I’m still gonna eat it.

Later…

Wish I knew exactly what time today they’ll mow and blow the gray house like they do every Tuesday, cuz that’s when I’d take off for my run and literally run away from the annoying buzzing sounds.

Andy and I used to tease “Nervous” about his tie collection and ask him if he showed his boss his collection of tacky ties from what seemed like the 50s. Well, if the geek was still alive and if there was such a thing as showing his boss his degree collection, he sure wouldn’t have much to show since it’s only 11° right now in Springfield, MA. LOL, that’s toasty warm compared to the -14° Andy said it was a few days ago. Makes me wanna scream just thinking about it!

Called Tammy yesterday and even got to talk to Sarah for the first time since she was 8 or 9 which was nice. She was there cleaning since Tammy can’t quite get around just yet.

I told Tammy the code to our lockbox and said that she, Mark and the girls could help themselves to our stuff if our plane went down and she asked if it was in writing. I reminded her I told her on Facebook, but as she pointed out, you really should take something like that to the bank and get it notarized with witnesses present. LOL, didn’t think about that, but she does have a point, cuz then anyone could say anyone told them to help themselves to their stuff if they died. Without a notarized note, the state would get our stuff and they’d be the ones to sell our house. Years ago I wouldn’t have given a shit what happened to our stuff if we died, but now I’d definitely prefer it if they got it.

A black car came in playing semi-loud music yesterday. Let me guess, it went right to the house the blacks are in, right?

Later…

I was skimming through my journals from the first apartment complex I lived at when I first moved to Arizona. Oh, the grief I could’ve spared myself if I’d just minded my own business and kept to myself!

They haven’t done the gray house yet, but the park was out blowing leaves, as usual. So much for taking off on my run to escape it, though, since there were others all along my running trail blowing the 20 or so leaves that were on the ground around each tree dotting the perimeters.

I only stayed out 15 minutes, as I didn’t want to make myself any hungrier than I already was. Sure got back just in time to hear Bob slam the shit out of the SUV door, though, and am really damn glad he doesn’t usually do that. Virginia must be there. The garage door is open and I only saw him behind the wheel.

Just 3 more weeks till Hawaii! Got that plus tons of appointments coming up, and the initial round of appointments isn’t it. I’ll probably have to go back to my primary doctor (or a specialist) to deal with my ingrown toe, back to the dentist to have fillings done, and back to the eye doctor hopefully only to pick up my new glasses.

Sometimes I’m not sure going to a doctor is right for me. Too many of them falsely diagnose people these days. Tammy had one doctor tell her she had a thyroid condition while another said she didn’t. I don’t expect any doctor to know it all, of course, but people’s lives and bodies shouldn’t be like one big fun guessing game to them either. How bad can they fuck up dealing with an ingrown toenail, though?

MONDAY, JANUARY 6, 2014 We didn’t get to re-potting the trees, this weekend, but we got other things done around here, plus ran the usual errands. Stopped at the closest Goodwill store yesterday and got a 24” black porcelain doll that’s actually kinda nice. Having once been a collector for many years, I knew I’d find out who she was once I got her home and studied the nape of her neck. She’s Hillary, a 1989 doll by Dianna Effner. I once had her smaller Sunshine and Lollipops doll but sold her years ago. I found Hillary, in a variety of skin colors and outfits, selling on eBay for around $80.

My Hillary has nice shiny black curls and dark curious eyes. She came in a nice, but old-fashioned dress. Her shoes are cute but need cleaning. I threw her in Twinkle’s outfit for now. Twinkle, who lays on her stomach propped up on her elbows, is now wearing her dress since you can’t see as much of it with the way she’s posed. I’ll eventually get her a new outfit from the newborn section next time I’m in a department store.

Tom got a great deal on an old computer he wants for its parts. The graphics card is good and the memory holds just as much as our Macs.

Goodwill also has good incense, so I grabbed about 8 98-cent packs of that and have vanilla, strawberry, cool water, obsession, peach, China rain, rainforest and cinnamon. The packaging is cheap, of course, and when you open the bags you tear away the labels. So I used Tom’s label printer and it’s awesome.

In about 20 minutes I’m going to have my Nutrisystem breakfast. I’ve got it set up so that I have one of their meals/snacks plus fruit and veggies of my own choosing every hour and a half. I’ll eat 9 or 10 times but most of it will be 100 calories or less.

A couple of hours from now and I gotta go out for my run. At that time I’ll let the robot vacuum. Then it’s back to proofreading and posting old journals to the tune of landscaping and car doors. Yesterday was great. There were no water outages, no show and tell at the house across the street, and no landscaping sounds. Wish every day could be like that!

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5, 2014 One of the things we got at Walmart was Plaster of Paris. We’re going to add this to the pots my artificial desert trees are in to make them weightier.

Gotta change the rats’ cage as well as do some other tasks around the house and run some errands as well.

Tomorrow starts my 5-day Nutrisystem trial. I’m sure I’ll be so damn hungry the first two days that the weekend will seem worlds away! I won’t even want to think of food. But if it is doable enough and if I do decide to go all out with it, it won’t be till mid-February. Why diet, go to Hawaii and pig out, then undo all my hard work? I picked mid-February cuz that’s when my eye appointment is and when I plan to visit the Chinese restaurant nearby for their fried rice which is to die for. Hell, I’ll probably consume 2500 calories alone that day!

At least with Nutrisystem, I won’t have to worry if I’ve fucked up counting calories since everything’s counted out for me. The only things that aren’t are my veggie servings and my 4 mini snacks, but that’s a lot easier to keep track of than a whole day’s worth of food. I need to do it for 2-3 weeks to really get a sense if anything could be wrong with me thyroid-wise or whatnot. Just about any diet will initially knock a few pounds off me. It’s continuing to get results that’s the problem. Yeah, I keep dieting but my body stops losing, haha. Maybe with something that is counted, measured and packaged for me, I will continue to get results for as long as I do it. How the hell I would maintain any significant loss, though, is totally beyond me. Like I said in my previous entry, it’s not “natural” for a 48-year-old woman to be thin, and so my body’s gonna fight it tooth and nail.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 2014 Feeling kinda yucky today with the PMS from hell. Really hope I don’t skip a month and that my period is on time for once. My back aches like hell, and part of why I don’t go to a masseuse is because the PMS is going to return each month no matter what. Also, I’ll put Tom’s hands to work for 10 minutes or so and I’ll be fine. What’s not so easy to just massage away is the fucking water and fatigue. I’m just so glad I got out of the obese range so I can pick something up off the floor even when waterlogged. I swear if you stuck a fork in me, about 3 pounds of water would come gushing out like crazy!

I’m frustrated with Paula cuz no matter how many times I ask I can’t get her to tell me what’s going on with her in a message. We keep missing each other, I keep asking her to update me in a message, and she keeps telling me to call her. Fuck it. I’m not going to play phone tag games with her. Besides, nothing I dream is going to change what’s destined to come anyway.

Anyway, Tom and I are heading out soon to Walmart and then to have fun browsing through other stores as well.

Later…

Decided to just do Walmart today. We spent $200 there. Maybe tomorrow, though, we’ll go to Goodwill. You never know what bargains you may find there.

$45 of the Walmart run was that 5-day Nutrisystem trial thingy I mentioned before. I love how they make it simple and how everything is packaged, weighed, measured and cooked for you. It comes with 15 entrées and 5 desserts. Monday – Friday I will have 3 entrees, a dessert, 2 “Powerfuel” snacks of my choosing, and 2 “Smartcarb” snacks. So I will eat 10 times a day. While nothing in this package contains anything I wouldn’t eat, I’m sure the hunger will be insane cuz each item is barely more than a few bites.

This way I can tell the doctor when I see her on the 14th how my body reacted to it. If something’s wrong with my thyroid, I want to know about it and I need to know about it cuz it could be a serious problem for me later on down the road if I don’t deal with it now. There’s got to be some reason why my body gives up after losing just a few pounds. As I was telling someone else earlier, the reason I’ve probably had an easy enough time maintaining my weight is because it’s 25 pounds too much and we’re SUPPOSED to be fat when we’re older. Not obese, but fat. If I tried to maintain 120 pounds or lower there’d be no way I could do it like I could 25 years ago.

The point is that I’ve been wondering for a long time if something’s up with me or if this is how I naturally am. I don’t want to go all out on Nutrisystem and pay the $300 a month just to lose 5 pounds that’ll only return even if I keep on dieting and exercising. Or that can’t be maintained even if I did lose 20-30 pounds.

Would I do the Nutrisystem program if I knew it would work? sighs thoughtfully I don’t know. I just don’t know yet. We could afford it, but I’m not sure I’d want to get a new wardrobe either right now. It would definitely help with my mobility even more if I got some more bulk off and out of the way, but right now the home improvements are more important to me since it’s not like I’m 50-100 pounds overweight. So… one step at a time. First step is seeing what the trial is like. I’ve always been curious about how programs like Nutrisystem, Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers work. Well, not so much how they work (that much is obvious), but what it’s like to actually be on one of their programs. Once I see what it’s like and whether or not I lose weight, then I’ll decide if I want to just stay where I’m at or go all out with it. I’d also like to hear what the experts have to say about my thyroid and the results of any blood work they do. They won’t be doing much on the 14th, though. That’ll just be the initial getting-to-know-the-patient routine.

Got the dentist and eye doctor in February, and the eye doctor makes me a bit nervous. I suppose it shouldn’t, though, cuz glaucoma doesn’t fester to the point of being a serious problem overnight. It usually takes 10-15 years, so I should be years away from needing any drops if I ever do need any at all. Hopefully, the OH was just a one-time thing and the pressure will be back to normal next time around. Either way, I need stronger glasses.

One trip and 3 appointments in less than 2 months! Guess you could say I’m a little overwhelmed.

I also need this park to stop fucking with our water and stop the landscaping craze. Four times I had to hear it yesterday, and while it may’ve been short-lived, it was no less annoying. Today I hear something running that may be outside the park, but still, I hear this shit nearly every day and you would think I’d be used to it by now, but I’m not. Oh well. It’s better than 12 hours of barking.

Just when I was thinking how nice it was to have no pipes break in months, this is the third day in a row they shut our water off for about an hour.

Anyway, Tom got a label maker to create labels for his storage bins in the workshop, and I got my first paper journal since the 90s. It’s got a rainbow-colored leopard print on its hardcover and is going to be used mostly on the plane to and from Hawaii. Since I probably won’t fill up all 200 pages, I’ll probably write one here and there over the upcoming years and make my own “library” contribution along with the previous owner and all the books they left behind. I should do a page in Spanish, Italian and German, too. LOL

Okay, I’ve had enough of the mower or wood chipper or whatever the hell it is that’s been running toward the front end of the house. I’m going to crawl into bed in back with my Kindle and read to the hum of my air cleaner.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 3, 2014 Our new luggage arrived. The purple seems darker in person and I wonder if the suitcases are too small for two people for a week, but Tom says it’s plenty.

The rats’ new water bottle also arrived and that’s definitely small at 10 oz. It’s more suitable for one hamster or gerbil, but a couple of giant rats? It’s fine, though, cuz we want to add additional bottles while we’re gone in case one fails.

We got a few thumb drives as well. One’s going in the lockbox outside with all my docs, graphics and music backed up onto it. The chances of a break-in may be next to nothing, but this way they can get the electronics and other valuables, but I still have what’s most important to me in the lockbox as well as with me in Hawaii.

We’re going to do an inventory of everything that’s over $300 so our insurance can replace anything if worse came to worse, though when you think about it, we really don’t have that much of value. Only a few expensive dolls, computers, printer, TV, refrigerator and treadmill, and that’s pretty much it. We don’t have any expensive jewelry. Just our wedding bands which are always on our fingers. The car will be at the airport. It’s gonna be wonderful jumping into a car and driving home after the trip, instead of getting off a train in the middle of a cold, dark icy night where we had to walk a few blocks to the dump we rented when we returned from the Caribbean cruise I won in early 2007.

Later…

Paula left a message but wouldn’t say anything about her health. Instead, she said to call her at noon her time cuz she’s “really curious” to hear about the dream I had about her. Well, of course she is. She knows my accuracy rate is too good for comfort. If it weren’t for the grim circumstances that usually surround my dream premonitions I’d feel so blessed and so proud of just how “good” I am same as with how well I usually write and how fast I pick up languages. I’d be like, ooh, look what I can do! What a gift, huh?

Now fast forward to reality. She is A, not saying anything about her health, and B, wants to know about the dream. Kinda makes me wonder, alright, but like Tammy said, I gotta try to think positively till I talk to her.

I was thinking about a fellow writer/follower/friend who has been having lung issues. The doctors are still stumped. Sometimes I wonder if no news is better than bad news. I’m afraid that’s what I’ll get when I see my own doctor. The ingrown toenail is pretty straightforward, but other things? Not that all doctors are quacks but it seems a lot of them don’t know what the hell’s going on with their patients, and I worry about that at times. “I don’t know why you can’t lose more than 5 pounds on a sensible diet with exercise, Ms. S., or why you have to damn near starve yourself to lose more than that, and I don’t know why it all comes flying back as soon as you go back to eating SENSIBLY. Come back in some other life and maybe then I can tell you. Meanwhile, be glad you don’t mind looking like shit and have finally managed to stop gaining anymore and blowing your ass up wide enough to smother a whole army of people at once.”

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2, 2014 Can’t imagine trying to cram the 12 rolls of paper towels we got at Sam’s Club into the little old trailer that’s no doubt had numerous problems just in the nearly half a year we’ve been out of it. I’d also hate to think of just how many annoying outdoor projects Jesse, who lives for puttering around outdoors, has done by now. Either way, we won’t be buying paper towels till early 2015 and we still have a roll or two left from the last 6-pack we got.

I just wish that every time we went to Sam’s it wasn’t full of screaming kids. When are parents ever going to go back to the days of teaching their kids manners, respect and discipline? I totally dread all the screaming we’ll no doubt be in for on the plane, even in first class. Thank goodness for earbuds, though sometimes they’re loud enough to override even the loudest songs.

Speaking of things that are loud, the dog in back is the loudest one around here for sure. That’s why I thought it was next door. Where the hell did it come from all of a sudden? Gee, we must be between the 4-6-month marker where things get noisier for some strange reason. It’s not a real problem, though, so long as I don’t have to hear it more than once or twice a day. I am a little worried about open windows on that side of the house in warmer weather. If you leave a dog in an open window around here, not even 10 minutes will pass without something for it to bark at. Lots of traffic. Lots of people.

The landscaping, however, has dropped from being a daily thing now that the leaves are down on the trees that lose them, to the usual 2-3 times a week for 30-60 minutes.

Heard tons of firecrackers and some gunshots on New Year’s Eve, but none of it was in the park. It was coming from outside the park. Tom was asleep, but in my robe and slippers, I excitedly slipped out into the carport and then down the driveway to see if I could see anything. I saw flashes of light in the direction of the cemetery, but nothing else. Then I started shaking with tears like a little kid as I thought of Paula and the awful dream I had of her.

“It’s freezing out here,” I eventually thought to myself. “Get inside. This is the Sacramento area, not San Diego.”

I totally forgot, until Andy reminded me, that I also dreamed he told me he was dying of cancer and he’s fine, so that’s a good sign, too. More than likely the dream simply represents a rocky road ahead for her. Tom later pointed out that I didn’t attend her funeral in the dream. Now that we’ve fixed the MagicJack phone (it was plugged into a hub without enough juice to power it), I’ll try to call her later this morning and see what information I can get.

I’m a little disturbed by the fact that there’s a 4 in this year, as the number 4 has proven to be rather unlucky for me. Although… the years 2000, 2007, and 2011 were just as shitty, if not shittier than 2004 was.

I’ve also lived enough decades to say for sure that the first 2-3 years of each decade is significantly worse than the rest of it.

Uh-oh, just noticed another potential pattern of a scary kind. Our worst years were 2000, 2004, 2007 and 2011. 2004 is 4 years later than 2000. 2007 is 3 years later than 2004. 2011 is 4 years later than 2007. If we keep alternating 4…3…4…3… then 3 years after 2011 is… ugh! Nooooo!!!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – damn the bastard above for siccing this sleep disorder on me! If He truly is the reason for what we are and for how we are, damn Him. Just damn Him to hell and back, though no, I’m not going to get into detail. I’m not in the mood of being accused of making excuses when in fact I don’t make “excuses.” Not at 48. As a minor under 18 when others had the power and authority to use the truth against me – you bet – but now I just tell it like it is. All I’ll say is that it’s going to be tough lining things up for my appointment on the 14th. A few days of lost sleep won’t kill me, though. It’s doing it day after day, week after week, month after month that my aging body can’t take. It was hard on me when I was young, but there’s no comparison between 25 ago and now, like it or not. It’s like comparing the effects of dieting then versus now. I could lose large amounts then. Now I’m lucky if I can lose more than 5 pounds.

Oh, that reminds me. I’ve been asked what I’m doing to maintain my weight. I work out at least a half-hour every other day and I only eat when I’m hungry. No eating just to be eating.

We are going to go ahead and take advantage of the fact that we get something like 15 days a year of rain here and let most of the plants die off. Might keep one of the rose bushes and the beautiful pink camellia tree which is blooming nicely now. Fewer plants means less work and less watering.

Sugar now has his own Skype account. LOL We’re going to install cameras indoors for two reasons. One is for the very slim chance this house is broken into while we’re gone, and two is so we can call the rats once a day and “see” how they’re doing and let them hear our voices so they don’t feel so alone or like we’ve abandoned them forever. Haha, when we get back that Sugar rat is going to be all over me like crazy. Somebody just grabbed my ankle. Romeo? Nah, he’d have bitten me. That rat’s obsessed with biting.

I asked Alison to quiz Kim on whether or not she knew of my “secret” blogs. She says Kim swears she doesn’t know where I’m blogging these days; just that she knows I’m on Blogger and MO but is staying away so she doesn’t get in trouble. Well, MO’s gone, but as Aly said, she could totally know the links but isn’t saying so. Yeah, that’s why I won’t be friends with her. Because everything that comes out of her mouth is hit or miss as far as whether or not it’s true.

Molly hasn’t tried to view my blogs, but IS allowed online. She tweeted Happy New Year to Aly, even though Aly changed names there. Did she discover the account on her own or was Aly dumb enough to give it to her? Aly swears that even though she still gets emails from Molly, she’s not reading them. Even Aly’s not totally trustworthy, though. She’s not the liar the other two are, but if she’s gone back to contacting Molly she’s not going to tell me about it, knowing how much I’ll tell her she’ll regret it and is making a huge mistake. Chances are Molly dug it up on her own. That’s what stalkers do.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1, 2014 Age: 48

Martin Luther King had a dream. So did I. Only mine’s the one I hope to hell that, unlike his, doesn’t come true.

I don’t know why, but New Year’s Eve is a hot spot for psychics of various kinds. For some reason, we tend to get a glimpse of what lies ahead at this time, be it in our dreams or when we’re awake. But the “psychic window” didn’t open much for me the last few years and so I didn’t really think it would this year either.

Knowing the unknown has been a habit of mine for most of my life. It starts with that little feeling that says something wrong, which we’re all programmed with. Then around the time I quit smoking in my early 30s (coincidence?), it flourished into much more than just basic intuitiveness, mostly by way of dream premonitions of a negative kind. Almost all my negative dreams come true, sometimes even to a tee. I learned how to read various dreams and weed out the “spam” from potential signs/warnings in time. It was cool at first but by my 40s cool had turned to creepy.

I made the comment to Tom about how I’d probably be asleep this year, so I doubt I’d “see” anything while awake at least at midnight Eastern time. He said maybe the “dream people” would show me something about what’s coming up in the year ahead.

Oh, they showed me all right, in the form of a double nightmare involving suicide and death. Again, I wasn’t expecting anything unusual and figured the dream people were simply dormant and lying in wait for the next rough patch of life we go through since they prefer to be the bearer of bad news as opposed to good. Only none of it had anything to do with us and as selfish as it may sound, I am thankful for that much.

Unless my new gel and memory foam pillow I got at Sam’s Club is just hexed, barely two hours into my sleep I had the first nightmare. It involved a young girl I didn’t know that hung herself. My mother might’ve been one of the 5 or 6 people that knew her and discovered her. The girl, in her early 20s, hung from a rafter in a loft and landed sort of in a sitting position at the edge of it. We gazed up at her from down below. She was about 10’ up and there was this ramp-like ladder leading up to her. For some reason, everyone was more concerned with the small square pillow by her side than with the girl. They just had to have that pillow for some reason, but no one would dare get near her.

“It’s just a dead body,” I said. “I’ll climb up and get the damn pillow.” So I got on all fours and shimmied up the ramp/ladder. I was a few yards from the girl and pillow when the rope around her neck snapped, causing the body to flop back and then start rolling toward me. I opened my mouth to scream, but no sound came out.

I woke up sweating and had to turn the fan on. Since I don’t know who that was in that nightmare, I can’t say for sure what it means. Maybe some trouble ahead for an acquaintance? Maybe they won’t kill themselves, but maybe they’re still in for tough times.

It was the second dream that was critical because it’s not only the second time I’ve had a dream like this, but it’s about someone I do know very well, my friend Paula. She’s 46 and has been on disability all her life cuz the poor girl has the mentality of an 8-year-old. She’s the type that might be afraid to see a doctor for fear of it causing the FBI to steal her bathmat or something like that. It’s a wonder she can even drive.

In the letter I just got from her she says she’s sick again but will beat it, she said to make sure I send her a Hawaiian postcard from California so she “knows” she’ll get it. Yeah, that’s just Paula for you, LOL.

In real life, she told me she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and was going to undergo a hysterectomy. So when I had the first dream of her dying, I figured that’s all it was about and that she would be okay. I don’t know if she ever really did get the hysterectomy done, but I find it hard to believe that last night’s nightmare is just a reflection of my concern for her. It’s got to mean something. I’ve had numerous dreams and visions pertaining to her and I’ve never been wrong yet.

Anyway, I went to visit her in the dream and although I was shy about it and chose my words as carefully as I could, not wanting to put her on the spot but curious just the same, I asked if she’d be okay. A dubious expression crossed her face and she said, “Oh, no, this is a solid mass.”

Her phone then rang and clearly, she didn’t want to talk about it anymore, so I walked out of her apartment and closed the door, which had been open. I realized Tom was standing outside in the hall and had heard the whole thing. We walked silently for a few seconds, then he asked, “Do you really think she…”

“Yeah, I do, Tom,” I said before I woke up, wondering if her condition is a lot more serious than even she realizes. I’ve had death dreams pertaining to my sister and another friend yet they lived even though it wasn’t without a serious fight. But this is the second dream, and again, Paula’s not very bright and her insurance is probably a joke. Hopefully, at worst this just means she’s got a very rocky road ahead of her, though it’s got to mean something. It’s got to. I don’t “reflect” in dreams. I “see.”

Good news, Mr. King. Most people like blacks. I wish my own dreams weren’t as apt to be granted as yours was.

Later…

To back up to when Bob noticed we’d left the water on, I later went out to see if things had dried up. We’re going to turn the water off to the whole house when we leave for Hawaii. That way we don’t have to worry if a pipe bursts or anything. Like what apparently happened yesterday. I’m surprised we went this many months without a park pipe bursting, but I could tell by the way the pipes farted when I got up and peed that there had been another outage.

Like most people, the people next door are in and out a few times a day. This time the SUV was gone and Virginia wasn’t around, so she was obviously out somewhere. Bob was doing something in the garage. The garage is actually pretty empty, so he definitely doesn’t have any workshop set up in there, thank goodness.

I casually asked him if anyone had gotten a dog around here to see what he’d say, but he just shrugged. Then the next day when we were heading for Sam’s Club, Tom said he saw the dog I’ve been hearing in one of the houses behind us. At first he thought the dog was loose and thought that was weird in a retirement park of all places. It was taking a leak on a small strip of grass alongside the house and he next saw someone waiting at the door. I’ve only heard it a few times so far, but I really hope that thing isn’t going off at open windows in back come spring. This is an amazingly active park so it would have plenty to go off about. We were surprised just how many people were out walking yesterday and it was cold. We both wore our jackets to the store.

Anyway, the nightmares I had left me tired so I took a nap a while ago. That fucking loud-ass car or truck or whatever the hell it is that delivers the paper just had to wake me up, of course, because I drifted off without putting the sound machine on. If it weren’t for that I’d hear everything. Vehicles, planes, helicopters, sirens, people, dogs, and just about every sound imaginable. Still, no vehicle that insanely loud should be allowed to cruise around here at 5am! How do people sleep through it?

We hit Sam’s Club at 10am and like I said in my last entry, I got a new gel/memory foam pillow as mine, which I had for 8 or 9 years, finally started to really lose its shape. We also got a memory foam bathmat to replace the old one in the second bath. I don’t think I’d like memory foam padding under our future carpet. They do make it, though.

I wear bifocals in public so I can see both near and far, and being out and seeing just how much my eyes have worsened over the last year was a sad reminder of how I should’ve upgraded my prescription before the damn trip to Hawaii. So now the vast expanses of the Pacific will be a bit blurry. It just sucks that I have to travel with the damn things at all. The last time we went on vacation 7 years ago I only needed reading glasses.

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