#juni chats

[boundinparchment]

I wanted to drop by and tell you that I love you. No matter what happens I am glad you're still here on tumblr. Your absence is always felt :') Thank you for sharing your ideas and lovely fics with us!

Thank you, dear anon. It’s been difficult to focus since finishing DALDOM and I don’t have the spirit I used to (which is normal, life ebbs and flows). My love for my faves hasn’t faded but being here, on tumblr, has its pitfalls when parts of modern fandom are very fickle.

I’m always around, just not always present, as many can attest to. I will probably never be active in the ways I used to be but this blog won’t be going anywhere.

[mizuans]

back from the void. bringing gifts

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s3 episode 8 thoughts

i’m conflicted. i didn’t like this episode, and i don’t know if my reasoning is valid or not. but i guess at the end of the day it’s all subjective, right? it’s MY BLOG and i decide which episodes are good vs bad in the juni-verse.

(do not be offended if this is your favorite episode and i am slandering it. it’s not personal, pinky promise, but i explain my reasoning at the end, so let’s jump in)

((also i hear geese right now. not relevant but highkey distracting))

oooo today’s episode title looks french… i thought at first that it would mean (feminine) someone who forgets something, but it actually means “a type of dungeon with a single escape route”. the more you know!

i’m excited to watch this episode. it sounds interesting. it also sounds like it could be really really dark. so let’s see! (verdict: DARK!)

we open on high school picture day. a girl named amy is getting her pictures taken. these girls are in very cute outfits. a guy from the photography company is staring at amy though… OH! and stroking her picture in a darkroom. HELLO??? jail jail jail. 

(we later learn his name is carl. he will be referred to as “the creepy man” and “carl” alternatively throughout this post)

he cut out her picture and put it next to a picture of himself??? is he making a collage? GROWN MAN! GROWN MAN DOING ALL THIS BTW!!! in what looks like a trapdoor darkroom beneath his house. is this the aforementioned oubliette….?

amy is sleeping and. SOMEONE IS COMING IN HER WINDOW. NO MA’AM. it’s carl, who says that “nobody is going to spoil us”. a little girl sees this happen!!!! noooo… but maybe she can give a clue?? i mean a witness to a kidnapping seems like it’ll help solve the case, right?

now we are at a burger place, someone is taking a while to fill up some drinks- her name tag says “lucy”. and then there is BLOOD all over her from her nose. the boss looks majorly freaked. and she FAINTS! mumbling that nobody is going to spoil us. OH… so lucy and the girl must have some sort of connection. boy, that seems it'd be disruptive to the work day…

bum bum bum bum!!!! spooky noises. spooky imagery. you know it, you love it: the intro.

mulder and a very large coat are here to investigate the kidnapping. he is looking about at various rooms and walls. 

noooo, he is in a child’s bedroom :( and he finds a very sad mrs. jacobs looking out the window. he says they will do everything they can to help but she is like “how could you really know how i feel?"

well actually he is quite well versed in kidnappings!!! so please be mindful of your words. she walks away and he looks very sad. way to dig some stuff up for the guy. she didn’t mean it, i know, but still, it was a very purposeful dialogue choice.

(mulder is staring intently at dark red spots on the carpet) “it’s blood”, says a guy we have never seen before. excellent work detective. could have had me fooled. i was thinking it was jam /s

this guy thinks it was someone that knew her, mulder does not think this is the case because it was so bold. fight fight fight!

oh, he actually came on this case to talk to lucy from the burger place!!! and not for the kidnapping. we should have known that was far too conventional for our friend.

(door opens) (deep sigh) (scully’s voice from off screen) "mulder…" <- yeah this had me giggling. not even really sure why. they are reunited after a flight apart. it must have been harrowing. 

so, he explains: the girl, amy, is 15 years old, and was kidnapped. and twenty miles across town, lucy was repeating the same words the kidnapper said as she passed out! “well that’s spooky”, scully notes, and mulder replies “that’s my name, isn’t it?” <- LMAO

OH GET THIS: Lucy was kidnapped when she was 8 for FIVE YEARS!!!! until she was found by the side of the road. HUH??? THE PLOT IS THICKENING. same guy…? scully seems very deep in thought

first thing lucy says upon their entrance: “i’d like a cigarette” in the hospital. queen i think there are laws against this but idk 💔 

they explain that amy said those same words about spoiling it for us at the same time she did, and lucy has a thoughtful look on her face then says no, i know nothing about it. NOT BUYING IT!

paused on scully’s face to take notes and she really is just so beautiful huh. 

lucy asks when she can leave and they say um probs when the doctor says you can. and she’s like, no they said it was up to you. so they’re like uh yeah you can go. this is very exciting and she doesn’t even change before she leaves. 

CREEPY MAN ALERT. he’s on the side of the road with a busted tire and a tow guy offers to change it for him for $10. a screaming deal! until this fellow picks up a crowbar looking thing and screams LEAVE ME ALONE and chases him away!!! deeply suspicious behaviors. tow guy calls him a freak as he drives away. a very rare deserved case of calling someone a freak as you drive by them.

back at the station, the lead agent or whatever his title is tells mulder that lucy and her boyfriend have a criminal record, but mulder doesn’t think she’s involved. i’d have to agree, but maybe i’m easily fooled. 

“mulder, i got something- something weird” scully strides in the room and announces. and i’m thinking, YEAHHHH BABY, WE LOVE THAT AROUND THESE PARTS!!!

so, here is the weird stuff: lucy had two types of blood on her shirt that night… so scully is gonna test and see if there was a match to amy’s. but mulder doesn’t want lucy treated as a suspect, so he says to try and keep that quiet.

now we’re at a halfway house. a guy is going up some stairs whilst lucy shivers in bed. she has scratches all over her face and complains about being unable to see. and it looks like she has the same scratches as the girl in the creepy guy carl’s hole!!!

mulder rolling up to the halfway house. he asks to take lucy to dinner, as the paramedics say she is probably better now after her episode. 

she is going to town on some soup and insisting that she is clean, and you can even ask henry about this. she is very insistent that she CANNOT help amy, but he is trying to gently be like. well... maybe you CAN. and she says: NO.

back in the hole, amy is having pictures taken of her. and screaming

at the station. mulder is watching a video of lucy from 1978 where she is crying on the ground and also screaming. her eyes were hypersensitive to the light when she finally escaped from her kidnapping all those years ago. it’s honestly very upsetting to watch.

oh!! scully has a break in the case: all the school photos were sent out EXCEPT amy’s. and the assistant was fired THAT DAY AFTER THE SHOOT. his name is CARL. and he spent the last 15 years institutionalized “for a bipolar condition”. well would that make him not a suspect for whoever took lucy…? i can’t do math. but if she got back in ‘78 then it would be possible, right? because idk when s3 takes place. anyway, mulder’s gonna show the photo to lucy and see if she knows him.

(i groan when a story makes a villain bipolar or have any other mental health issue to enhance their ~scariness~. it’s cliche, it’s perpetuating harmful stereotypes, and it’s bad writing. i was mentally throwing tomatoes at the screen)

carl is leaving and he left amy in the basement. is this her chance to break free? or is it a trick. she finds a hole in the wall sealed with some wood and starts to rip it up 

back to lucy cam. mulder is trying to get her to stop running away and he grabs her shoulder and she says “DON’T TOUCH ME. i don’t like to be touched” this is understandable and he apologizes.

anyway, he shows her carl’s photo, and she starts to run away again, indicating that she does, in fact, know who it is.

back to amy cam. she’s trying to break free, but he is coming back in his car! he hears her trying to get out and sees her running out the window. she is running!!! into the woods!!! run run run run!!!

lucy is also running. 

but no!!! they both fall!!! mulder picks lucy up. nooooo, amy failed her escape attempt :(

but upon seeing the photo, lucy confirms that it IS the same guy that took her way back when. she says she feels like she’s going through it all over again. 

however, scully and the cops are at the door! lucy is suspicious. reveal: THE BLOOD ON THE UNIFORM WAS AMY’S!!! mulder is saying she didn’t do it, but scully says it’s concrete evidence. unless you believe in the migration of blood. 

carl is explaining to amy that she shouldn’t have run. she asks for some water. is she gonna make another break for it? no. she does not. but she does ask for her mom and also for her to please not die here. it’s very sad.

mulder throws out a theory: maybe lucy bled out amy’s blood. it’s a stretch. “i hate to say this mulder, but i think you just ran out of credibility” <- girl i think that was a while ago.

i jest, but it appears scully does not. yowch. okay, yeah, bleeding someone else’s blood is a little rough in terms of an idea, but some thoughts we try and keep inside our heads in terms of our pals having wild theories.

OHHHH... scully insinuating that he is seeing his sister in lucy, and that is why he cannot see her as the perpetrator when all the evidence points to it…. oh i felt chills... or some sort of adjacent negative experience. bad feelings washed upon me.

he says that not every single thing he does or says is traced back to his sister but… i’m actually not gonna agree with him on that one. anyway, he’s mad at her. and i would be too tbh!

someone is coming in to the station who saw carl. it’s the tow guy!! and he was spotted heading near the place lucy was found years ago!!! 

carl witnesses the cops racing off to his place. but the agents go to the photo store to see if he has an account. not a bad idea on behalf of mulder.

although, we don’t even know if they go in because next they are ambushing carl’s property. and they see the trap door!!! is she in there??? and she is!!!

WAIT NO. IT’S LUCY?? everyone is confused. 

okay, so they DID go to the photo store, because they have the photos of amy that were taken in the basement… i see now. i am listening and learning.

the cop guy wants to take lucy into custody because she can’t say why she is at the crime scene, but mulder is like “no i’ll take her” and scully tells the cop dude it’s alright. so now she must see what he was saying. he’s walking lucy out. and she’s saying that carl hasn’t touched amy, and then she starts shivering and coughing, saying she is cold and wet. and mulder’s touching her….

he says lucy is trying to tell them amy’s in a river, so they try to go there. and then when carl dunks amy underwater, lucy starts spitting up water!!! and then drowning in the car on land. 

agents are running in the woods.

they find carl, and mulder shoots him. then he runs off holding amy. so he starts doing mouth to mouth and she’s doing chest compressions and lucy is coming back to life?? maybe?? no.

scully is trying to tell him to stop because she’s dead, but he won’t, and they actually come to blows about it. he’s sitting there all soggy and wet and crying. but then she finally starts coughing!!! 

mulder learns that lucy was also dying, and he gets all freaked out and runs back to her. and lucy is, in fact, dead. he’s touching her face as water pours out of her and she’s crying. mulder is full on kneeling at her dead body and sobbing. and damn, if this moment didn't get me right in the chest.

scully shows up to the halfway house, where mulder is sitting on lucy’s bed with a bunch of pictures of her. scully says amy had NO INJURIES and she can’t explain it, but nobody wants to talk about it because everyone is relieved to have her back. and it turns out lucy drowned. despite being on land.

“mulder, whatever there was between them, you were part of that connection, did you think about that?” <- AUGH (girl who is in pain as scully tries to put into words how important he is to not just her, but the whole world)

but he says that dying was pretty much all amy could do to escape from her past. and i'm thinking, well, if this whole episode has been a way to comment on your past... what exactly are you saying? because i'm hearing things i don't like. what about the power of healing and friendship? have we tried this?

i’m not sure how i feel about this episode, so i want to hear your thoughts even more than usual. actually, i am pretty sure that i didn't like it. i love a good character-centric episode, and this was definitely a mulder episode, but i felt that scully was really sidelined. like REALLY sidelined. to the extent she felt almost mean, with the losing credibility comment and trying to get him to stop doing CPR and bringing his sister up into it. on the other hand, though, she did seem to accurately describe the situation as himself projecting his past onto these people. it was pretty clear that was the case no matter how much denial he had going on.

luckily, in long form content like this, when something is written that feels out of character, i have an ease of just ignoring it i feel is usually denied in tighter season or movies. like yeah, everyone has an episode or two where their favorite character acts weird as hell. i could already point to a couple episodes on mulder’s behalf- cough cough genderbender cough cough 3- so maybe this will even out the tally of agents doing stuff that feels wrong. and like those episodes, i can ignore them. i am the rememberer and when i need to i am also the forgetter.

(now, you may present an argument to me that these actions WERE in character for scully. and i will not deny you the chance to present that argument my way. i shall hear out cases with a fair and impartial nature. but my opinions have been voiced)

characterization aside. this was another dark episode with almost no lightheartedness. there were a few things i giggled early on, like the way she just announced his name when they’re reunited, but other than that… childhood kidnapping? a real bummer. also, their psychic connection wasn’t even explained. it didn’t seem to follow any sort of logic at all. she would just… snap into it sometimes and then out of it. but you couldn’t really tell why she’d snap into it beyond it seemed moments where amy was in danger. but like. when you’re kidnapped you’re basically in danger 24/7. so: ??? 

and the transmutation of physical injury. they said that amy had no injuries, but we could see she had the same face cuts and scrapes as lucy. so are they ignoring that or are we thinking that lucy dying absorbed all that damage…?

mulder also ends the episode saying that he thinks death was the only way lucy could escape her suffering, which has troubling implications for his own character and those who love him.

hmm. idk, i just don’t think i liked this one. i’m learning that i find children being hurt less campy and fun than aliens and bigfoot. a good scary episode can be that, both good and scary, but i didn’t feel scared because it still was fantastic in nature. when there was a real scary episode- i’m thinking of irresistible in s2- the reason that felt so scary was because it WAS an entirely human, no supernatural elements at all, spooky episode. and that was the whole point; that episode was used to explore scully’s greatest fears, her struggle with being unable to control every aspect of life, trying to grasp who she can and cannot trust, and the depths to which the human soul can descend. so we had something similar going on here, except that lucy was taking amy’s damage, and you can see how that sort of transmigration makes for a harder sell on the commentary of the evil things humans can accomplish, no?

hmm. again, please let me know. i actually might look this one up, because ever since i learned that there are wikipedia episodes for every single episode, i have mostly neglected that fact to avoid audience ratings sullying my own hot takes on the subject. but this one has me curious. 

[shellxrls]

Mutt core JJ my beloved 🤍🤍😩

mutt core!jj is sooo. ugh he makes my heart rlly warm tbh he’s adorable.

this gif is giving mutt!jj vibes. all roughed up and greasy :((

[venuszn]

Something is purring fr @bluebada LOOK MORE ANGLES . . .

[governmentmandatedryujinstan420]

i'm not even gonna give context for this just know i love all binnie bromies for being better than i ever will in the hear me out on these two conversation because at least they actually like each other without using olympics style delulu to deduce that they mayhaps do

[nitrozem]

Juni Que aged up to a teen and joined the computer club and I have a feeling she’s going to be a mischievous little hacker (like father like daughter Lmao)

[venuszn]

Me w Enchanted . . . Haven’t forgotten about you . . . 🫣

I haven't abandoned this story. I just put it on the back burner for now. The story is just on a small vacation. It is currently out of office. It can't come to the phone right now. It just fell under my bed to sleep with the monsters. It never left my head. It is everywhere - except on paper.

[deviandnouria]

Sopherl & Baghira

[boundinparchment]

How about Zhongli for the ask game? :3

First impression

He looks well-mannered and very fancy. When do I meet him?

Impression now

Immortal being, goofy goober of a jokester but also: my man, my dude, you are the personification of time, and you must be lonely, just a little, in the city full of people who come and go.

Favorite moment

His second story quest when he pulls a shield around everyone and walks forward fully knowing what he will encounter.

Idea for a story

I mean, I have two entire OC stories that will probably never get finished for him and Karina. She’s supposed to go to Inazuma, Zhongli stays behind, they eventually make up upon her return and they go to Fontaine together (yeah that should be fun now that I uh know what happens in Fontaine lmao)

Unpopular opinion

He isn’t actually terrible with money, it’s just that his part of the story does a terrible job of pointing out that he’s fucking with Childe and using the Fatui. He is typically shown listening to fellow adepti and taking their advice into consideration, therefore he is always rather good at strategy. I would not play chess against him.

Favorite relationship

Zhongli/Guizhong (Karina/Zhongli for my own happiness is a close second).

Favorite headcanon

The man loves long hot soaks in the bath and will not leave until his lover has joined him and finally relaxed themselves.

[venuszn]

I definitely willll (is she a lesbian ? 🫣)

You’ve been fully blind since birth. You also just can’t make sense of why the charming Greek lady who runs the local statue garden doesn’t seem to have many friends besides you…

[mizuans]

misty quigley haters are PISSING ME OFF. here's how the black box worked

convo with a friend of mine he's super big into planes and this can all be fact checked i'm SURE. tldr: the black box is used to RECORD communication and helps in crash investigations so they can determine what went wrong and prevent future crashes. black boxes are NOT used as a gps.

(if you care, ELTs are used as a gps. google what it looks like if you want, it looks nothing like the black box. the two items can be combined in some aircrafts but to get really technical, the closest we could get to determining the plane type (by looking at the cockpit and windows) is that it's definitely a 737, which didn't use combined ELTs+black boxes. it's not a real plane, as some of the things in the cockpit are changed to make it look older)

so when misty destroyed the black box, she destroyed evidence of HOW THE PLANE CRASHED, not where the plane crashed and how to find the plane. if anything, what misty destroyed is the answer to the question of "is the wilderness a real magical force that caused a plane crash".

to raise the point, did misty mean to destroy the ELT except she accidentally didn't it so technically her crime is just as bad either way? i don't care she's sixteen guys. cowabunga!

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s6 episode 3 thoughts

okay. i have been told that this one is good. and i recognize the title of this episode from a piece of art i saw once where scully had a dress on. which made me need to catch my breath.

so. i am excited!!

let us read the episode description... hmm. i was one of those kids who was really worried about the bermuda triangle when i was little, so this might be healing for me. or make things worse.

mulder… don’t piss me off again! i still haven't forgiven you for that comment!!

ehehehehheeee, i’m excited!!!

post-episode thoughts: i am typing this after just having finished the episode, and i am feeling secret emotions i did not know existed an hour or so ago. wow. the nature of reality is that it can be SO profound. and i don’t even fully know what did or didn’t happen, which i believe was cultivated intentionally, but the friendships we made along the way were so real.

mulder, i will figure out what your deal is. scully, i will hold and cherish you forever.

we open on some waaaater. it seems a shipwreck has taken place!! NO, IS THAT DEAD MULDER? COME ON NOW, I DON’T WANT THAT. 

okay. intro time. so maybe he isn’t dead. maybe he was napping. underwater. 

SHORTENED INTRO AND NEW WORDS!!!!! “die wahrheit ist irgendwo da draußen” okaaaaay! i don’t speak german 💜 but i have a guess as to what that means

(and upon googling it, i was correct... yay! also, someone please appreciate my effort in going to wikipedia and copying and pasting the ß character just so i wouldn't get cancelled by the german speakers of the internet)

they’re pulling him out of the water!!!! and “they” sound like they are from across the pond!! but they are also speaking german, so who knows. whoever “they” are, they sure don’t recognize him.

they’re gonna throw him back overboard!!! but they find his ID and no one has ever heard of the FBI. he is baffled by this. how do you not know about the FBI? well, buddy, from the uniforms these fellows are wearing, i have some theories

the sailors take him to the captain and they’re beating him up!!! no one is bothering to introduce themselves. rude af??

ohhhh, he’s on the queen anne, which is the boat he came looking for!! so now he knows what is afoot. time warp. yeah.

LMAOOOOO he recites the EXACT location of the ship. okay. listen, i haven’t FORGIVEN him, but that is endearing. aww. i love when he nerds out.

ohhh noooo, they tell him it’s 1939 and hitler has just invaded poland and also this boat!! mulder thinks that the members of this ship have popped on over to 1998, but the opposite has happened!!! how is he gonna get out of this one?!

“it’s okay! the war’s over! let ‘em take you to germany, they make nice cars!” <- LMAOOOOO HE IS SO CONVINCED 

absolutely wild thing to say to someone who thinks that the nazis are afoot...

that is a grown man giggling and laughing because his time warp theory came true <3

he goes over to the radio and tries to call for help... and i am again impressed that he knows what he is doing on an old timey radio, but maybe that is a required FBI skill…. but the radio actually says that it *is* september 3rd, 1939, and there is war with germany!!!!

“oh, sh-" oh nooooo…. he has miscalculated……!!!

a german approaches!! it’s so hard to see because everything is SO DARK!! which is a pattern i am noticing after 3 episodes of this season!!! but mulder is hiding!!! and then he sneaks out and beats tf out of the german guy!!!

IT’S SPENDER?????

what. 

is he tripping…..?

you know, logistics of if this is actually happening in canon or merely mulder's head aside, more fight scenes should take place to andrews sisters songs

so mulder steals spender’s german uniform and puts it on, but he cannot respond to the people yelling at him in german!!!! does he have the advantage from studying this particular ship for years?? LMAO yeah, he hid around the corner! don't let anyone tell you that studying the layouts of boats that disappeared decades ago is useless knowledge!

woaaaah, there’s a fancy dance going on somewhere else!!! mulder enters the dance floor in his uniform!!!! and tries to flirt with the singer...

HE FINDS SCULLY!!!! BUT SHE THINKS HE’S A NAZI!!!!!! she has no idea who tf he is even though he is trying to explain. oh my GOD, she says she’s gonna punch him!!!!

oh. i’m blushing… scully in a dress with her hair like that….

the nazis burst in with guns and SHE HAD TO TRANSLATE FOR HIM…… because she knows a little german….

who is this man that she is dancing with?

“yeah, you’re all big men now, but wait until you get to russia! hope you fellas like the cold!” he yells out as they drag him away, and yet again i ask: LMAOOOO, WHAT IS GOING ON?

they’re dragging him to the deck! and the captain is saying he refuses to give up the ship!!! and the germans shoot him!!!

OH SHIT!!! IT’S CSM THAT TOLD HIM TO PULL THE TRIGGER??

i don’t know enough about german to know if he’s delivering those lines authentically, but it sounds convincing to me

someone finds his ID… SKINNER???? WHAT IS GOING ONNNN??

so they probably do not want to kill him if he is a proven american, which hopefully means he can get through the rest of the day until mercury comes out of retrograde or whatever 

oooo, present day!!! scully at a desk!! seems weird. i guess you have to be careful what you wish for.

BUT NOT AS WEIRD AS THE LONE GUNMEN ARRIVING AT HER PLACE OF WORK??? they say that mulder is in big trouble!!!

“the walls have ears” “i have ears, will you tell me what’s going on?” <- lmao, she’s such a smartass 

they try and explain what is going on, and she knows the queen anne right away!!! and is handling this news that it showed up this morning pretty well, all things considered.

“that’s impossible” “satellite doesn’t lie” “there’s nothing ON HERE!” <- BAHAHA, maybe i spoke too soon about her handling this news well

so the lone gunmen told him they found the queen anne, he chartered a boat, and has since gone missing!!!

love that they probably had been watching satellite on the bermuda triangle for years now to have noticed a sudden appearance. and love that mulder seemed to have a plan for what to do when that day finally arrived. truly, the lone gunmen and him match each other's freak.

they tell scully she needs to get information from the pentagon, and she heads off to go get it!!!

oh boy, kersh is gonna have a field day with this.

they’re filming this as one big walking shot, which is a cool effect 

BAHAHA, SHE WALTZES RIGHT INTO SKINNER’S OFFICE!! SHE IS NOT WAITING, and he is fully on the phone, but she does not give a FUCK, and that is my QUEEN!!!!

omg is she going to get in trouble for coming to see him… i’m nervous!!!

skinner hangs up and starts listening RIGHT AWAY!! oh yes!!!! 

OHHHH…. he doesn’t want to talk to her or hear whatever she has to say!!! 

his assistant sadly says “she walked right past me” LMAOOOO

OH SHIT, THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING!!! “you’re out of line, agent scully” “no, sir, you’re out of line” <- YEAH, SHE IS GONNA CALL HIM SIR WHILE YELLING AT HIM!!! THAT IS MY GIRL!!

“i’m sorry, but i’m coming to you for help, and i’ve got nowhere else to go. i would hope that after everything that we have been through that you’d at least have the courtesy and the decency, and not to mention the respect, to listen to what i have to say” <- OHHHH YOU TELL HIM 🔥 THAT IS FIVE FEET OF RAGE!!

he starts whining about losing his job and his pension and she ROLLS HER FUCKING EYES LMAOOOO she has had ENOUGH!!!

can she call in a favor on her father’s memory to the navy people??

she goes to open the door but he SLAMS IT SHUT OMFG????? 

(this moment was CRAAAAZY)

“use your head, scully. it’ll save your ass” “save your own ass, sir. you’ll save your head along with it”

oh my GOD, she would say “save your own ass, SIR”, that is just so her. oh, she is in her detective era, and she is not going to play nice!!!!!

skinner… i want to know what you are thinking… maybe he thinks she can call in a favor in her father’s memory like i thought…

(more post-episode thoughts: i also think that it is really interesting that she trusts the lone gunmen enough that she hears what they have to say and then IMMEDIATELY goes straight to skinner because she knows they wouldn't lie to her. even if their story sounds ridiculous, there has to be some element of truth to it, because it's Them, and they have helped the agents for so long, and they wouldn't joke about mulder being in trouble. and it's also very interesting how she drops absolutely everything and barely formulates a plan as to what to do next, because scully is usually the queen of plans and knowing what to do, and so rarely do we get to see her being impulsive... i just think it's neat)

they’re still filming this as one continuous action shot, which is so cool, and also was probably a major pain to accomplish. 

OHHH, she’s nervous!! scully is smacking the paper with the info she needs to know around in the elevator, and she hits someone who says “ouch!” and she mumbles “sorry” OHHHH, SCULLY…. my heart... she needs to save the day and she has no time for this, but she still feels bad for smacking that lady!!! ohhh my god, i just wanna put her in a nice blanket and give her a movie to watch. stop stressing her out.

she shoves through this other secretary to get to KERSH!! she must be really desperate to come to him!!! is this a trap??

FUCK!!! CSM WAS IN THERE!!!! AND HE HEARD HER SAY THAT SHE NEEDED INFORMATION OF MAXIMUM IMPORTANCE!!

nooo, she’s regretting coming in unannounced 💔💔💔 poor queen is nervously playing with her hair and then pacing the halls….. and she left the information she needed with kersh!!! so now he knows what it is she wants!!! this cannot be good!!!

she’s mumbling “what am i thinking? what am i thinking?” and calling someone on her cell!!!

but of course mulder does not pick up due to being on a different realm!!

(funny that she was in such a panic mode that she literally did not think to call him until this very moment LMAOOOO)

HOLY FUCK!!!! MY JAW IS ON THE FLOOR??? SHE GOES TO SPENDER?? “i want you to do me a favor. it’s not negotiable. either you do it, or i kill you. you understand?” <- HOLY HELL???

oh, i’m blushing and giggling and also aware that this will probably have negative career consequences for her since she just threatened CSM's most special baby boy, but i cannot pick my jaw off of the floor…..

“you okay, agent scully?” “no, i’m not. i’m a gun ready to go off, so don’t test me, spender, don’t even THINK about trying to weasel me”

ohhhh my GOD. she says she will “hunt him down” if he doesn’t come back right away with what she needs, and she doesn’t care what or who he has to do to get the answer. and then realizing how insane this sounds, she mumbles “oh god” to herself quietly.

well, the good news is, this is so uncharacteristic for her that if it’s her word against spender’s, they might be pretty evenly matched. i mean, maybe he has the promotion, but she has the longer record of service, and while she may have been demoted to domestic terrorism, she is known as the scientist and rationalist, soooo…

(i cannot quite figure out what relationship spender has to her. he sounded legitimately concerned and did not question her at all. is his personal fury more directed at mulder? i mean, there was that horrible moment where he implied that mulder was using her that was all thick and weird and tense, and he probably still has residual anger from her talking to his mother, but he doesn't seem as mad at her as he is at mulder, because if mulder came in there and did that he would have simply pulled out his gun)

very sad to see that the basement office is now filled with spender's things. i noticed he has some medal on the wall. but cannot tell what it comes from. it's far too organized!

spender leaves, and the basement office phone rings!!! and she picks it up!!! IT’S CSM??? he thinks she is diana so she LOWERS HER VOICE A LITTLE TO PRETEND TO BE HER… and he wants to know about the paper scully handed kersh!!!

LMAOOOO, HE GETS SUSPICIOUS AND SHE HANGS UP 

NOOO, SPENDER SNITCHED TO KERSH??? she calls him a rat bastard and SPRINTS OUT, LMAOOOO

i am at once amused and stressed tf out

she gets in the elevator and yells “STUPID” which i deeply relate to. some people are not great at being impulsive. her cell phone rings and she picks it up and it’s... maybe mulder???? but he is very garbled!!!

NOOOO, SHE WALKS ONTO THE FLOOR WHERE CSM AND KERSH ARE 💔💔 she goes right back into the elevator as they point at her LMAO

she is still yelling into her phone and she runs into SKINNER!!!!! it was actually HIM that was on the phone, not mulder!!

and he has the info she needs and she KISSES HIM???? ON THE LIPS??? what the hell, oh my god. 

i’m literally gasping for air, oh my god. what the hell am i watching? GOD. imagine being skinner right now. wait hold, on i’m genuinely fucking crying. tears of laughter, mind you. he must have been SO thrown off. imagine your best and most loyal agent who nearly died a horrible death is back from the grave, but now you can’t talk to her because she's trying to expose the evil government, but you did talk to her anyway to save her bestie’s ass, and she smooches you. and you’re trapped in the elevator and you might lose your job.

god. i’m fucking losing it. the way her eyes were open as she kissed him.

BUT SKINNER IS AN IMPROV LEGEND!! because he gets off on the floor where CSM and spender were, and he LOUDLY yells at her that if she EVER asks him to break protocol he will have her OUT OF THE FBI RIGHT AWAY!!!

SKINNER!! MY KING!!!!!!!!!!!

god. i still need to do that best skinner moments from s5 post.

AND SHE’S GETTING PICKED UP BY THE LONE GUNMEN IN THEIR WAGON, LMAOOOO

spender is sprinting behind them, but alas! he cannot outrun a wagon.

mulder, meanwhile, is explaining world war two to the guys who are currently in it, and hating on the spice girls. rude. spice up your life. 

OHHH, someone who will build the atom bomb is on the boat… and mulder puts that together and explains it to someone who turns out to be a german spy!! wait, was scully dancing with EINSTEIN?? or oppenheimer or someone? clearly i was too invested with her hair and dress and how she was threatening to punch mulder to pay too much attention

(there was no oppenheimer nor einstein and i feel vindicated)

there’s a big fight as mulder declares they ought to turn the ship around and go back the way they came so they can return to the present and avoid germany winning the war!!!!!

it’s so dark, it’s hard to tell what is going on as they run about the ship. ohhhh they bring mulder back to the dance hall…. CSM wants him to identify who can make the bomb….. and if he doesn’t answer the question, they will kill passengers!!! NOOOO, they did kill someone!!!!!

OH SHIT, SCULLY STEPS FORWARD, SAYING THAT SPENDER IS KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE OVER NOTHING BECAUSE MULDER DOESN’T KNOW…. but he has HER at gunpoint now!!!

NOOOOO, THE GUY THEY KILLED WAS THE SCIENTIST…. where does this leave them… does past scully have to invent the atom bomb…?

meanwhile, the lone gunmen and scully are off in the bermuda triangle, and the queen anne is right there!!!! so can they get on there and save the day?? what is the proper course of action here?!

back inside the ship in the year of our lord 1939, mulder is yelling nursery rhymes at the nazis, and scully claims to be the scientist who can end the war. but some other guy says that HE is the scientist and she was sent here to protect him, so they take THAT guy away.

1939 scully curses at CSM in german, and then they are going to EXECUTE THEM??? but the engine shuts down!!! it’s brawl time!!!

modern scully and the lone gunmen are breaking into the ship trying to find mulder!! while a jazzy soundtrack plays!! and mulder and past scully are trying to save the ship!!

he’s leading past scully… but they get caught…. BY GERMAN SKINNER?? WHO SAYS “god bless america, get your asses out of here” <- YAAAAAS DAT IST MEIN UNCLE!!!!

past scully and present scully nearly collide!! while the ballroom brawl continues in the past!! 

past mulder has to convince past scully to get them to turn the ship around or else he’ll never be born!!!

i love that he explains it to her through the lens of einstein because he knows that she would have that as a frame of reference. because there is no scully, past or present or future, who wouldn't know about einstein. that's a very cute nod to her thesis.

AND THEN. LONG MAKEOUT SESSION. IN CASE WE NEVER MEET AGAIN????

my JAW. is once AGAIN. on the FLOOR.

(the darkness of this season is pissing me off. i wanted to see that in HIGH QUALITY!)

she PUNCHES HIM, he remarks that he was expecting a left jab, and then he JUMPS OFF THE SIDE OF THE BOAT??

past scully tosses a life preserver over!!!! and we’re back to the present!!!!

ohhh, mulder has flowers by his hospital bed, and the lone gunmen and skinner are all there… they must have fished him out!!

he’s trying to explain to her how she saved the world!!! and she just sarcastically agrees.

and the queen anne was just a ghost ship!!!!

(turns out a ghost ship means a ship with nobody on it, not a phantom of a boat. this is important to know because at first i was like "wtf, scully believes in ghosts now, but only for boats?")

skinner tells mulder that he better get well soon because is going to kick his ass (deserved) and then he and the gunmen leave. but scully stays behind.

“i would’ve never seen you again. but you believed me” (she leans in) “in your dreams” 

ohhh... it is sickeningly sweet as she tells him to go to sleep.

“hey, scully?” (he sits up) “yes?” (loooong silence) “i love you” “…oh, brother”

(as she leaves, he cradles the eye where past scully punched him in the face, smiling)

oh my god. i mean, it’s not like we really needed confirmation that he had feelings for her, but. like. that was it. he said the words. and then held his face where she punched him and remembered kissing her.

so, did the time warp really happen? who is to say? it’s fun to turn around both possibilities in your mind. the possibility that past scully really did believe him and was able to save the world AND the possibility that it would only happen in his dreams. 

there is so much to analyze here.

spender being a nazi… and skinner being a nazi… and CSM being a nazi… some of these make more sense than others. what are the implications... spender could speak both languages... is that an indication he is a double agent?

her saying “oh brother” to his love confession… oh my god, she must have thought he was sky high… i wonder how she felt hearing him say that? i wonder if she thought it was a joke, or if he really meant it, or it was the insane ramblings of someone very ill. i wonder if part of her felt crushed to hear those words, like that fragile thing that they have between them was being tampered with. or i wonder if she had always wanted to hear him say that and never let herself imagine it. either way, better to approach it from the angle of a sick man's mumbling. probably the only way to make sense of it. but i know she went home Wondering.

and what are they going to do about scully’s erratic behavior???? she normally conducts herself with such rationality! and today she barged in on two assistant directors, threatened to kill spender, and then ran off with the gunmen in a wagon! oh my god!!! i guess we won’t know!!! it looks like the next episode is a two parter, so i doubt that we will have time to examine the consequences from today.

but then again, rationality isn't ALWAYS her thing. gestures to all of the times she has nearly killed someone for getting between her and mulder before.

if you do consider the time warp to have actually happened, it’s very interesting that it shows scully has the capacity for belief. this whole episode was analyzing how scully responds to crisis- but that particular crisis being losing him for real. there have been close calls before, but this was unexpected and bizarre. usually she is very calm in crisis. but there are certain things in life you simply cannot prepare for. there’s FBI training on hostage situations and disease protocol, but nothing for “your partner travels back in time”

skinner…. my best friend…. he put it all on the line for them AND made an incredibly convincing performance in front of spender and CSM… the oscar goes to him

oh scully, i just. oh my god, man. i love her!!! her being impulsive because she had no choice!!! telling spender she would kill him!!! and then going in the hallway and mumbling “stupid, stupid”!!! apologizing for smacking that lady!!! kissing her boss on the mouth with her eyeballs open because she was so overcome with emotion!! that is MY disaster medical doctor special agent scully!!

and mulder thinking he was going to to die slash never be born at all so he KISSED her while he could…. and then back in the real world using his delirium as an excuse to say “i love you”, to hear how those words sound coming from his mouth… just to know what it felt like...

oh my god. i need to snuggle into a big cuddly blanket and scream a little.

so, now let us analyze mulder's recent behavior, stretching from the tail end of s5 to now. and you have to promise that you won't tell me if any particular theories i put forward are right or wrong! you can only comment on if you think my proposed theories are interesting. because i assume that YOU know why mulder is being weird (snapping at scully, agreeing to go undercover, fucking off to investigate a ship, and then confessing love despite his actions and words indicating disdain, etc) but i just do not.

i can put together from the comments left on my last posts and vague subtext in the show itself that there is SOMETHING afoot with mulder, which is why he is acting like a dick. but i cannot figure out WHAT it is. my guess is that maybe he is in some sort of danger so he’s trying to push scully away?? in an attempt to save her?? like when he went undercover, but maybe something even bigger and scarier??? but maybe he could use his vulnerability to confess how he really felt while he had the chance?? and then he will go back to being all moody?? because he thinks that he is in danger and doesn't have much time left? and maybe he thinks that if he acts all rude and terrible scully will be able to handle his demise?

the only other thing i can guess (and again: don’t tell me if i’m right or wrong!! i just want to voice my thoughts) is that maybe something is happening with his mom?? but if his mom was sick or dying or something, it still doesn’t make sense for him to take it out on scully. but then again, people take their rage out on each other in real life all the time, even if it doesn't make any sense.

maybe it’s something with his sister? i mean we saw his “sister” that CSM brought to him a while ago, but it was never addressed again… i mean, i don’t believe it was really her anyway, but maybe he thinks that diana can help him find her?? because she came back into town for some unfinished business or for family or something- what was it she said in the car with gibson? so maybe they’re plotting something together?? and he thinks (stupidly) that diana can help him with some secret thing he cannot tell scully about???

man. i don’t know. and i will have to just keep moving forward to find out. which means i will probably have to endure more bitchy mulder before i get answers. and then once i DO get answers, i will have to see if i judge them to be valid or not. 

but let us not look too far into the future. let us look to what we have been given, which is 1939 AU scully in a beautiful red backless dress, and noir detective canon scully, and sleepy, loopy, delirious lover boy mulder, and skinner who is the best boss around, and three guys in a wagon who will save their buddy from a time-traveling ship. and that is so beautiful. amen.

i realize i wrote all of that and never outright stated my feelings on the episode. while you probably picked up on it, but i did enjoy it! i was laughing and gasping and blushing and giggling. it was nice to have a change in pace. i thought the way it was shot was really interesting as well, with all of the perpetual motion. it had many of the things i consider integral to a good episode, which include, but are not limited to: skinner acting prickly and detached but then pulling through and saving the day, scully threatening to kill people and commanding a scene, mulder nerding tf out and reciting facts, fun costumes, MSR bait, and things you can turn around in your head over and over to make your own interpretations on! i'm not sure if it would make my top 15 episodes list just because it was SO zany and i'm having trouble wrapping my head around that, but definitely a contender.

i have a feeling my thoughts on this episode will grow and change with time, which is perfectly acceptable. i'll try to crack the symbolism of mulder's time warp visions in more detail moving forward, and i will probably find scully's panic somewhat out of character, if endearing. but you only get to watch something for the first time once. and so we share this moment together, you and i.

[shellxrls]

i come back after a hot minute and you have a whole ass wife😒 happy for you two though

-fiancé anon

uhmmm 🙈. guys there’s enough hannah to go around don’t worry i’m pretty flexible !

[venuszn]

Tf is an alleged 23 year old doing flirting n being bffs w someone fresh outta high school anyways ! 🥸

[buckysm]

2:15 am (and i miss you)

ᯓ★part one, part two,

ᯓ★ Bucky Barnes x fem ex hydra AVENGER reader

ᯓ★ part one word count 6k+

ᯓ★a/n: junie’s first post— so please show some love— i hope you like!! my inbox is always open to chat! (minor edits on jan 27)

ᯓ★ summary: In the quiet hours of the night, you and Bucky find solace in an unexpected friendship built on sleepless conversations and cigarettes. Slowly, walls come down, and a bond forms, kept hidden from the team. But when crisis strikes, the Avengers are shocked to discover just how deep that connection runs—and just how far you’d go for each other. (i wrote this bc of a little fantasy of being in a secret situationship with bucky and the team finding out when bucky goes feral after reader goes missing during a mission)

ᯓ★ warnings/ tags/ tropes for the whole series: canon? what canon?, haters to lovers -- except you never hated him and he just resented you-- midnight rendezvous, friends to lovers, Anxiety, angst and fluff and smut,  Bucky Needs a Hug, Protective Bucky Barnes Bucky Barnes issues related to past trauma, not so platonic cuddling, slow burn, jealous Bucky Barnes Miscommunication, Mentions of torture off screen (to be added and expanded as i post part two) NOT BETA READ

These are the hands of fate/ You're my Achilles heel/ This is the golden age of something good and right and real

It started with a cigarette.

It started when he had lent you a lighter. He did not smoke, and you didn’t ask him why he had one.  

For him, it started months before then.

Bucky was barely coping when you joined the team. His days muddled by an eternal haze of anger and frustration…His life had been stolen from him, along with his memories from before. He did not feel like he deserved redemption. He had done terrible things, had had terrible things done to him.

He found himself disassociating whenever he wasn’t on a mission. He did not feel real; he couldn’t joke around and feel good without betraying his past. Yet, his past was real, it happened. But Bucky couldn’t just move on, couldn’t just exist without the churning in his gut telling him he was dirty, he was dripping in sin, tarnished by the red in his ledger, filthy to the point of no return.

When he was told about you, his body turned taut with trepidation. Two sides of the same coin. You were injected with serum just like him. Made to do things and had things done to you just like him. And he had heard of you. They had called you serpiente, the serpent, the snake. You were deadly, never made a mistake. No one knew any identifying details about you, not even your gender. 

And it was his mistake, thinking you were a man. He yearned to be understood; maybe he would find companionship in you.

But then, you were not a man. The first time he beheld you, he had just finished a mission for Fury. Secret and dirty, he felt right at home doing SHIELD’s grunt work.

You were walking down the compound, side to side with Black Widow. He had assumed you were one of her brethren, maybe you had trained with her, a black widow yourself. Tony Stark pranced a few paces before you.

“Soldier, good you’re here! Come meet our newest recruit!”

Your smile was disarmingly bright. Pretty. He felt himself grow cold with fury. It was a smile that came easily to you. And your eyes, frustratingly  soft. You seemed at peace with yourself, and he hated that.  

He just stared at you in response. Eyes hard. Waiting for you to react to his lack of reciprocity. You didn’t bite his hook, just slightly pursed your lips and took his glare in stride. 

“Nice to meet you, Stark was telling me about you, all good things, don’t worry. But I had heard about you from before—you know—we do have in common h-”

“We have nothing in common.” He snarled before walking away, fuming. How dare you? How dare you make chit-chat about the thing that haunted his life. Every waking hour, every nightmare he was haunted by his past. And you wanted to…what? Talk about it over jokes? No. He decided you had nothing in common.

Maybe your body count was higher than his, and he chose to ignore the elephant in the room. The fact that you were a beautiful woman and that that could be a weapon as much as it could be a vulnerability.

He hated you a bit more each time he saw you get along with the rest of the team. How dare you? 

He had thought, had been so sure, that the reason he was disliked was because of his past. But that wasn’t it, was it? Because you and the black widow seemed to do just fine. Maybe he was just broken, and maybe you had been too, but you had fixed yourself just fine. Parallel wounds, yours had healed, while his had festered like a virus. How dare you?

His despise grew with each smile, each laugh, each time you were slapped on the back.

Everything came to a head when he found you on the balcony. He had thought it was his balcony. His.

It wasn’t a balcony, more of a ledge. A floor that had been destroyed during a hulk mishap, had not been fixed, and did not look like it would be anytime soon. 

The wind was strong. You stood at the edge, facing the precipice. You seemed so peaceful. 

He stared at your profile, illuminated by the city lights. Your expression was sad. He had never seen it like that. Your lips tight, eyes fluttered shut. Were you about to jump?

He walked toward you, deliberately moving his limbs so that you heard his footsteps.

You turned unhurriedly, your eyes opening slowly. There was a small moment where he saw you, your unguarded face. He was too involved in his stupor he had not considered the possibility of it all being a facade. But months had passed, and your mask hadn’t slipped. Until now.

It was only a fraction of a vulnerable moment before you schooled your features. And it angered him for some reason. Seeing you so easily slip into the practiced mask. It made him just like the rest of them, taking you at face value, not digging deeper past your pretty face, sparkling eyes, and gleaming smile. But then he was angry at both himself for not looking past and you for pretending. 

Before he could stop himself, before he could think, words were coming out of his mouth faster than he processed them. 

“Do not do that, don’t do that.”

You sighed, your mask falling to one of disdain. You looked disappointed in him, exasperated. It was a look of derision, he felt scorned, and yet it was better than the fake platitudes. 

“Do what? Now, what am I doing that deserves your anger?”

“Pretending,” Bucky grunted.

You rolled your eyes and scoffed. “So what am I supposed to do according to you, huh?” You walked away from the ledge toward him. He towered over you, head lowered to meet your defiant gaze. “Am I supposed to growl, frown, and hate myself for things I can’t control? Well, guess what, been there, done that! And, hey—guess again what happened. I hated it. So what if I am faking it? Maybe if I fake it hard enough, it’ll come true.”

“What’ll come true?” Bucky asked beside himself, snarling.

“Wanting to live, not letting them win. Because if I hate myself, then they win.” Your angry gaze wavered, turning sad. You looked away from him towards the city skyline. “I’ll go now, leave you alone to your self-hatred and whatever….” You started making your way to the battered elevator doors.

Bucky sighed, exasperated. “No, stay. I’m sorry.”

You had stopped walking away, your footsteps silent, but some sixth sense told him you had in fact paused.

He turned toward you. “I’m sorry.” He echoed.

You nodded, moving towards the ledge and sitting on it.

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

“Careful there, doll face.” His voice was gruff. “Don’t want you to fall off.”

You stiffened slightly, taken off guard, not for the first time tonight. The sweet nickname coupled with his harsh voice made heat rise to your cheeks. You decided to appear as if you took it in stride. Not wanting him to know just how much his words meant to you. Wanting to hear him call you that forever.

Because as much as you told yourself otherwise, it had hurt when he brushed you off. You had looked up to him. 

You didn’t have any memories of your past before the experiments or the training, so maybe it was different for him. He had a life that was taken away from him — and you were just now learning to have one.

You heard about him, heard him even.  Heard his screams sometimes. Your handlers wanted to teach you a lesson of what would happen when you didn’t behave.

It was clear he did not remember you. Why would he? When you passed each other in the hydra bases, he didn’t know who you were; that was part of your deal. No one expected a pretty girl to have a body count as high as yours. 

Bucky had killed about 20-something people, important ones. You knew that Natasha had a count of about six hundred and had shared the fact with you. Bucky had been Hydra’s tool, he was used in important missions only. While you…were a gun for hire basically. A knife for hire. You used your charms on men and women alike to disarm them enough. Your kills were always up close and personal. Sometimes you have to put yourself in compromised positions to do so. Bucky never had to. 

You knew that he had to be put under a lot, had to have his brainwashed again and again, and conditioned an inhumane amount of times. His brain rebelled, he had a life. Somewhere, deep in his subconscious, he had memories or faint encodings of a life outside.

But you were awake all of the time. You did things because there was no other option. You had to survive. You didn’t know otherwise.

You pondered in silence. And when it became too much for you, you fumbled into one of the multiple pockets on your jacket for your cigarettes. You stiffened when you remembered you had left the lighter on your bedside counter. “Damn it.”

“What’s wrong, doll.” His voice was curious, less rough. He was standing somewhere behind you. You could feel the weight of his stare.

You wanted to comment on the pet names— but you didn’t want him to stop, so you swallowed a snarky remark. “I forgot my lighter.”

He made his way toward you, movements swift as he sat next to you, feet dangling on the edge. You understood him now, didn’t want him to fall. 

He slid his hand onto the pockets of his cargo pants and came out with a lighter.

You smiled at him. His eyes never strayed from yours as he placed the lighter in your hand. 

His eyes were beautiful, darker than usual under the low light.

You tore away from his gaze. Placing a cigarette between your lips, you cupped the lighter and flicked it on.

You took a drag of the cigarette, enjoying the burn. Enjoying the strong scent, stronger than other cigarettes. It made your head light.

Banner had made them for you after you expressed sadness about not being able to enjoy any substances.

You heard a sniff. He had noticed it too.

You waited a second, leaving the smoke in your lungs, before exhaling. “It’s enhanced with something, Banner made it for me.”

He hummed. 

“You want one?” You looked at him from the corner of your eyes, not wanting to turn your face fully.

“Thanks for offering doll, but I don’t smoke.”

You hummed, taking another drag. “Not even before?” your question was tentative, you wanted to see if he would open up to you.

He hummed softly. “I did yes, once or twice. But Steve couldn’t handle the secondhand smoke, so I stopped. Little asthmatic punk…”

Silence stretched out as you enjoyed the lightheaded sensation. Your limbs loosened, and you felt free. 

“D’ya miss him?” You turned fully toward him.

His eyes never strayed from the skyline as he answered,“I do. It’s different, we’ve both changed a lot. You know how it is, losing the past.”

“I don’t know, not really…” your voice was soft and resigned. 

His eyes flashed to yours. You didn’t know what to do with the full weight of his stare. “What do you mean by that doll?” His brows were furrowed. 

You sighed, not wanting to get into it. “It’s late…” You took out your AVENGER-sanctioned phone to check the time, 2:15 A.M.

“I’m going to sleep.” You lied. And you couldn’t stop more words from tumbling out of your mouth. Clumsy and rushed. “Same time tomorrow?”

A ghost of a smile pulled slightly at the corner of his lips. “See you doll face. Sweet dreams.”

“Sweet dreams Jamie.”

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie….

He had been too quick to judge, and now he couldn’t get you out of his thoughts. His sleep was fitful, but he was granted a reprieve from his nightmares. Dreaming instead of the multitudes in your eyes. 

It was a slow day in the compound. He had a routine during slow days, he would go to his favorite training room and lose himself. The training room itself didn’t lack anything, but he had marked his territory with his glares at anyone who entered. He had achieved an unspoken ownership of that particular room.

After having you torment his dreams, however, he had to see you in person. He tried to contain himself, he started his routine in the training room. 

It lasted 42 minutes. 

No amount of dagger throws could get him to calm down. 

He found you on the tower’s common floor.

You hunched over a table, Banner at your side. Coming down was worth it.

“Well, good morning there Sarge, nice of you to come out of your room and join the land of the living.”

And he immediately regretted it.

“Stark!” Two voices proclaimed in tandem. You and Steve jumped to defend him, Steve’s voice was sharp, and yours was a playful whine.

“What? I’m just saying, he’s acting like a teenager!” Stark’s voice was a defensive grumble. He tinkered with the toaster in the kitchen area. 

“Oh as opposed to you, who behaves so maturely?” The tone of your voice was playful but had a hidden bite to it. Bucky couldn’t help but appreciate it.

You turned to smile at him, Steve turned to bicker with Tony. Bucky rolled his lips and moved to grab a mug, he poured himself a cup before walking away. 

He barely heard Stark’s remark on his parting, mentally berating himself for caring about the hurt look that soured your face when he did not return your smile. He shouldn’t care, caring was dangerous. It made him vulnerable and put him in a position where he could be easily hurt again.

He had to be careful, He did not want to break down the walls he had put up protecting himself and others from himself.

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

You almost didn’t show up. Hurt but not surprised by his attitude.

You paced the room you had on Natasha’s floor. She was not home, leaving you to pace away your conflicting thoughts.

Your heart had skipped a beat when he showed up. He never showed up, he was a ghostly presence in the compound. Part of the team, but never there for ‘team building exercises’…

It was 2:14 when you rushed to the elevator, a pounding of indecision in your chest. You told yourself it was curiosity. You needed to know more about him, needed to figure him out - maybe then you would be able to understand why he made you want…-

The silent elevator ride left you time to think

He is hurt, just projecting/ This could end badly/ This could end with a friendship/ He was an asshole/ He just needs a friend/ At the cost of your sanity?/

Two inner voices argued with each other in the back of your mind. You let them.

The elevator stopped, the doors slid open and there he was. The voices went quiet as soon as your eyes fell on him.

He leaned against a thick construction support post, overlooking the city skyline, his back to you.

“Nice of you to join me doll.”

DOLL?! Asshole, he dared to call you doll- yet acted coldly toward you in public?! You grunted angrily, mimicking his usual blasé attitude and walking to stand beside him, not looking at him.

A storm of anger raged inside you as you stared at the beautiful Manhattan skyline.

“Is everything alright doll?” His voice was softer, and you weren’t as angry anymore.

Yes he hadn’t smiled at you, but what exactly had made you expect that from him? Yes, he called you doll, but he was from the forties. Plus he hadn’t smiled at you before. And-what?  You had one conversation and suddenly you expected him to smile at you? You were delusional! This man was set in his ways, and maybe he was bored, but it meant nothing. He was bored and lonely, and you were overthinking everything. You were new at this, at socialization. Genuine socializing. You socialized a lot for your HYDRA days, but this was new. You were used to having the upper hand, being the one in control.

You sighed out your exasperation, letting your tense shoulders loosen.

“Mhm…” your eyes never strayed from the city.

You stood in comfortable silence. You were an expert at working yourself into a stupor. But honestly, you were about… twenty, twenty-one (you lost time during HYDRA). Yet you felt emotionally stunted- of course you did. You never had the chance to actually develop skills people your age did.

“This feels like a dream. Like I am hallucinating being free, and I will wake up from passing out due to torture and be back in my cell…” Words tumbled out of your mouth. You were also bored and lonely. Faking your way with the others made you exhausted.

He made no response, but you could tell he understood. And that was enough.  You fumbled for your cigarettes. He slid a lighter from his pocket, handing it to you wordlessly.

You took it from his hand, inhaling to light your smoke. 

“You know? it’s dumb… but I sometimes feel like screaming at them… like something deep inside of me yearns to scream and kick and throw whatever is around- to get out all my pent-up energy, maybe then I can pass out from exhaustion and sleep. And yea- the novelty of being free, and being in the fucking Avengers is slowly wearing off, and I just-” you sighed, you were talking and maybe he wasn’t even interested in hearing you whine. “And whatever, I should be grateful… it’s dumb…” You stopped yourself. Letting in the chilly New York air into your lungs. 

“No, doll, it’s not dumb.” He turned to look at you, forcing you to face the full weight of his gaze. He was devastatingly beautiful. Your inhale was sharp. “Don’t feel bad about being angry, it’s valid feeling this way.”

You smiled then, “look at you, giving emotional advice. Who knew you were a big softy underneath that grouchy, grumbling exterior.”

He scoffed, but you could tell there was no real meaning behind it. Your smile grew.

His eyes lowered to your lips for a charged moment, before looking back to the city. “Those who can’t do, teach-”  His lips tugged slightly upwards, a glimpse of a smile.

You took a drag of your cigarette, staring unashamedly at his profile. “What do you do, when you are not brooding? Like what does one do for fun around here?”

“At two am in the morning doll, those who aren’t sleeping…” he trailed off, a soft pink brightening his cheeks

“Are what?” your grin was teasing.

“Are on a mission or something.” His voice came out slightly strangled. 

“Or something…” you murmured, a yawn escaping you.

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

 “So, you really liked big band music? Kind of… classy for a guy who threw himself off buildings.”

 “Hey, a man can appreciate good music and bad decisions.”

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

 “Stark’s fine, sometimes… but his ego’s bigger than his bank account.”

 “If I had his money, I’d buy a planet and avoid people altogether.” You sighed, 

 “Doll, you’d get bored in two days.”

 “True. I’d need at least one grump to frown at me” 

He couldn’t hide his soft grin.

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

 “Paris. You think it’s as romantic as everyone says?”

“Probably less if I was there...”

 “You’re right. You’d make it a lot more broody.”

“And you’d make it a lot more… sneaky. You’d blend into the shadows and pickpocket tourists.”

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

 “I could live off this forever.” Your spoke around a mouthful of pizza

Bucky grimaced “Takeout pizza? You call that food?”

 “Says the man who probably ate spam for dinner in the ‘40s.”

“Now doll, it was a delicacy back then.”

 “Spam’s not a delicacy in any era, Barnes.”

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

“You ever thought about getting a pet? Like a dog or something?”

Bucky raised an eyebrow “Me, with a dog? Not sure I’d be a good influence.”

“Nah, they’d see through you.”

“I’m more of a cat person.”

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

 “I like the quiet moments just before dawn. No one’s around to bother you.”

“Night’s better. Everyone’s already asleep. Feels like you’re the only one left.”

 “Until you realize there’s still someone like me lurking in the dark.”

 “Yeah, lucky me.”

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

 “So, any weird phobias? Mine’s spiders. Too many legs.”

Bucky shrugged “Needles. After Hydra? No thanks.”

You nodded. “Yeah, makes sense. But hey, at least you could crush a spider for me. And I can catch all your bulk when you pass out at the sight of a needle.”

“Ha, ha.” 

Someday, you’d get a real laugh out of him

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

 “If you weren’t a super soldier, what would you be doing?”

“Maybe a mechanic. Fixing cars, quiet life. You?”

 “Bartender. People tell you their secrets. It’s like espionage, but with cocktails.”

 “Sounds dangerous doll. What’s in the drink?”

You grinned “Depends on who’s asking.”

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

“I keep getting these flashes… Steve dragging me to Coney Island, insisting I’d love it. Turns out, I hate roller coasters.”

You rolled your lips, deciding on what to say “I don’t have any memories before hydra, but I dream about falling. Maybe I would love roller coasters.”

“I’ll take your word for it, doll. I prefer solid ground now.”

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

“You ever feel like the idea of ‘freedom’ is just another way to trap us? Like, what do we even do with it?”

“I dunno. Still figuring that out. But it beats following orders like a puppet.”

“Yeah. I just wish freedom came with an instruction manual.”

“If it did, doll, I’d probably ignore it. I don’t need another piece of paper dictating my life..”

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

You were late, and Bucky was ready to leave when he heard the elevator doors open. You held a full white plastic bag.

“Honey, I’m home, and I brought dinner!” you had a slight spring in your step, he turned toward you, a smile of pleasure and relief made its way into his expression without his consent. Your steps faltered slightly, your brows furrowing for a moment before a beaming smile took over, your eyes twinkling.  It was real, not a sarcastic grin, a smile! Your response only made his smile more pronounced -slightly, but still-.

“It’s good that you don’t smile, if you did people would pass out on the spot.”

He couldn’t stop the small laugh making its way out of his mouth. “Not you?”

“Not me, I’m made of stronger stuff.” You sat next to him, a bit farther from the ledge than usual. 

He followed suit, crouching in front of you. He took note of the way you eyed his legs, of your inhale, of the way you had to force yourself to look away.

“I wonder what would make you pass out.” His mouth ran away from his brain.

“Maybe take me to a fancy restaurant then you can try and find out.”

The thought made his heart race, he stopped himself from thinking about it. You were joking, it was friendly— you weren’t serious.

“I could, we could go on a few dates, and you would end it when you realize I’m too old and bitter for you doll. Maybe it’s best we stay here at 2:15 am where I can lend you a light.”

Your face soured to a pout. “Well I like my men a little bit older. But if you are telling me I’m not your type and you like old ladies, well then I can handle rejection, not the worst thing I’ve lived through.” Your smile was sarcastic, yet he could tell there was hurt behind your eyes.

“No doll, I don’t think anyone could reject you even if they tried.” 

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

Your heart raced at his words, caught off guard by their raw sincerity. You weren’t used to hearing compliments, not ones that felt real anyway. A flippant remark was on the tip of your tongue, ready to deflect the tension, but it got stuck.

“You ever think about it? You know… dating?”

He snorted softly, “Who would date me? I’ve got more shit to deal with than anyone would want to deal with.”

You grinned “Hey, at least you’re mysterious. I’m more… ‘potential assassin.’”

 “Ah, the classic ‘will she kill me on the first date’ dilemma. I can hide the metal arm, but you can’t hide the serial killer smile.”

You laughed loudly, shoving him playfully.

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

It was a few weeks after the initial meeting, and meeting had become a habit, a tradition of sorts. 

You gave him a shy smile when others were present, and he reciprocated with a soft look in his eyes. 

He knew he was being obvious with his staring, but he couldn’t help himself from looking at you.

He leaned on the counter, eyes flicking to and from you. He beheld as you smiled and laughed with the rest. He had a bit of jealousy that you weren’t bestowing a smile upon him, but he held none of the contempt from before.

He sensed an annoying presence beside him.

“Hey creep, why don’t you join us for drinks tonight? As luck would have it, even your star-spangled ass is joining us.”

Said star-spangled ass turned to glare at Tony, his expression turning into a smile as his eyes shifted toward Bucky.

“Yeah, come with us, you’ll have fun, we promise.” 

A myriad of yeahs chorused from the rest of the team, including you. Heat rushed to his cheeks as he looked at the ceiling. “Whatever.” He muttered.

“Well that wasn’t a no!” you grinned, acknowledging him.” Your smile was so bright he couldn’t take it. 

He sighed, and grumbled incoherently before turning to hide his blush and walking away.

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

You smiled to yourself as he retreaded. 

Natasha bumped your shoulders together. “He stares at you so much, I have no clue if he hates you or wants you. Maybe both!” 

“Nat, don’t be rude, it’s probably because I’m new.”

She smirked, “Sure.” You hadn’t been new for a while.

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

He was anxious. It took him forty minutes to place where the tight feeling in his chest was coming from. But it came down to you. It always came down to you as of late.

Steve had an arm around his shoulders, and he was babbling on about how much fun these rare night outs were, where everyone was present.

He didn’t know what he was expecting, but it wasn’t you talking to some guy. Enthusiastic hand gestures and a dazzling smile on your face as some random guy looked at you with an entranced smile.

He felt bile rising in his throat. 

He wanted to turn around and walk away, but that would have been too obvious. So he walked in with his stomach dropping with anguish.

He was out of it, sipping a drink that Steve had handed him. His taste buds not even processing the taste of his drink.

“Yo! Joe Goldberg, knock it out with the serial killer stare.” 

He felt a smack on his shoulder. He reluctantly tore his eyes away from you.

“What are you talking about?” he grumbled. Smooth. Real smooth.

Even though she was shorter than him, Natasha towered over Bucky. “I don’t know what your problem is, but you need to check it. It’s getting really weird.”

He felt a hand fist in his heart, tight. He downed the drink and sighed. Think Bucky. Think. “It’s not like that.” He was quiet for a few moments, formulating a response.

“Well then explain why you keep staring at her like you want to strangle her.”

“I don’t want to— fuck.” He placed the empty glass on the table. “She’s also from Hydra.” He stated.

“Yeah, duh.” Natasha looked at him with contempt.

He needed to fix the fact that she thought he was some sort of obsessed weirdo…. He wasn’t!

“She’s so normal, happy. And she…” he trailed off. 

Natasha’s expression shifted to one of understanding. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” He looked to Steve, who tried to seem like he wasn’t listening to the conversation.

“Bucky, you’re-” Natasha placed a friendly hand on his shoulder.

“I’m going to get another drink.”

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

You could tell something was wrong when you stepped out of the elevator. He was quiet, not the usual kind, brooding. You acted like you always did, but you could tell his heart wasn’t in it. 

“Bucky, is everything alright?” your voice was soft.

His reply was an irritated huff. You waited for a few moments, letting him have his space.

The night was cold, you had worn thick cotton clothing. He wore a hoodie and pants, they looked comfortable, but the man in them did not.

You hummed, and moved closer toward him, he leaned on a pillar,

“Big mission tomorrow huh?” You shifted tactics. It wasn’t odd for him to have a quiet night, where you just sat in companionable silence. This was different though… he was angry about something. Some insecure part of you told you he was mad at you. But there wasn’t any foundation to that, was there? 

He grunted in response. He was making you anxious. You sighed loudly, deciding on either having a smoke or going to bed. The stilted silence made you anxious, a pressure hard on your chest. You tried to exhale it out, but it wouldn’t budge.

You let him wallow next to you for a few minutes before giving up and turning to face him. You placed a soft hand on his forearm, about to say goodnight. He flinched harshly and your heart twisted. He grimaced, eyes shifting to you before flitting away. 

“Bucky, if you need, I-” your voice had a nervous tinge to it, and you hated it. You were glad when he interrupted you.

“Go to sleep, doll.” His voice was sad, his face resigned. 

You furrowed your brows, studying his expression. You had the urge to kiss him on the cheek for good luck but knew that you would break if he flinched away.

“Goodnight Jamie…”

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

You walked away, turning your head twice to smile at him sadly. He held your gaze as the elevator doors closed, removing you from his field of vision. Taking you away from him. 

“Fuck.” His voice was soft and defeated. He looked at the city skyline. His eyes glossed over. He wanted to get the self-hatred out, to hit the wall, break his knuckles, and kick at the litter on the floor. But he let it sit, let it fester in his chest. A leech that grew bigger as it fed on the churning,  loathsome thoughts overwhelming his brain.

He crumpled with the ease of a paper, falling to the ground,

His limbs splayed as he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. He couldn’t take it. Any of it. He always told himself he was strong. He was The Winter Soldier, for fuck’s sake! And here he was, crying over a girl. But that wasn’t it. Or it wasn’t just that. It was the fact that he was too soft for all of it. And he was still somewhat human at the end of the day. He still had emotions, and he was starved for comfort. He lacked connection. And he was okay without it, having gone so so long without it, he had grown used to the lack. But then you had come into his sanctuary and ruined everything, and he let you. He felt a kinship with you. You had gone through hell and back, had walked the same road as him, and you smiled so big, your eyes twinkled so bright. He couldn’t help but fall into your orbit. Admiring you from afar. 

Maybe it was better when he hated you, it was something he was used to, it was comfortable. He did not know what to do with all these feelings, hadn’t felt them before, not even in the 40’s. He was happy then, it was normal for him to smile. He didn’t know how to appreciate it. Yes, there was war, but there was hope, and there was also Captain America there to save him, but then Steve wasn’t there anymore. And any sliver of hope was quickly crushed under gleaming leather Hydra boots. He was going to die someday on a Hydra mission, he had made his peace with that. But Steve did save him, a little too late. He wasn’t Bucky anymore and did not feel like he had any right to the mantle of Captain America’s best friend. And some parts of him did want that still, but all of him yearned to be your Jamie.

And now bitter and traumatized, he held a flower in his calloused hands, and he didn’t know if he was worthy of it. He couldn’t breathe.

He was going to die here, and he couldn’t go in peace because he wanted to see you one more time. He couldn’t stand up, he couldn’t move, He keeped in pain like a puppy. 

Pathetic, get up. Voices from Hydra spewed venom, wracking through his psyche. He clenched his jaw and groaned from deep in his throat.

Broken…unworthy…killer…tainted…

── ࣪˖  ࣪ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ──

The mission was successful. The team had divided in two, his group had finished earlier.

He felt better, exhausted. It had been a long mission, he was covered in grime and blood. 

It was rare for him to get to the point of exhaustion, but he had dived head first into hand-to-hand combat, not letting up, ignoring black widow’s knowing looks. 

Freshly showered and changed into sweats, Bucky let himself fall face-first into his too-soft bed. Days of restless sleep coupled with today’s exertion weighed his body down, and pulled his mind into sweet sweet oblivion.

He awoke with a start, looked at the clock, and sat up. 3:22 A.M. 

He had stood you up. He rushed to the elevator and up to the floor. His thoughts raced with self criticism and hatred. He breathed out a frustrated sigh, you weren’t there.

Of course you weren’t there, he had been over an hour late.

He grumbled to himself all the way down to the common floor. His footsteps skidded to a stop when he found all the lights on and a flurry of activity.

Hawkeye typing furiously into a computer, Black Widow pacing the floor on the floor, her hands fiddling with some tech stuff. Steve was curled over a tablet, his hands clenched around the edge of a countertop.

Bucky stopped. The other team hadn’t come back.

“What’s wrong… where is she?” His chest felt tight.

Steve motioned at him to come near while the other two ignored him.

“Look, Bucky, I know you have some fondness for her, but I need you to calm down. She’s — uh— she’s missing…”

His ears started ringing; he didn’t hear anything after that. He took deep breaths, running his hands through his hair. It was longer, he needed a haircut, maybe you could cut his hair. Yeah, that sounded nice. 

He stilled. Breathing in deep, “give me the details, I’ll have her back with me within the hour.”

He didn’t recognize his voice. Black Widow and Hawkeye had turned their heads to stare at him with wide eyes. 

“Bucky, calm down, she’s alive from what we can tell, we can’t deal with y- we have to focus on finding her right now.”

“I am focused. I will find her.” His voice, it was gruffer, the language wasn’t english. He was reverting back…

Iron Man decided it was the best moment to walk in.

Bucky, The Winter Soldier turned around with intent. He had some inkling of what he must have  looked like, a menace— because as Iron Man was opening his mouth to make some snarky remark, his jaw clenching shut, hands rising in surrender. 

“Где она, где моя кукла?” Where is she, where is my doll?. 

His voice had a deadly cadence, he spoke and meant death.

“She’s okay, Wanda has her.” Black Widow had placed the radio on a table. She walked toward The Soldier slowly.

Wanda, the deadly witch saved from Sokovia. He remembered her. She was strong. Not strong enough. 

He leveled his eyes on her. “скажи мне где, или ты умрешь.” tell me where, or die.

Her eyes grew hard. “Calm down soldier, there is no need to threaten anyone.” 

The tension was palpable then, rising… rising-

The Doors opened to you limping… being supported by the witch and the doctor. 

His shoulders slumped. He shifted toward you, but something blocked his path,  he looked down to see Steve’s arm pushing against his chest. The enemies' stance was on the offence, about to attack, to keep her from him. He was about to threaten his best friend  The Captain to move when-

“Jamie…”  

His gaze flashed toward you. You pushed away from them, limping— stumbling toward him.

He met no resistance this time as he rushed softly toward you.

Your knees buckled as he wrapped his arms around you. You collapsed against him. 

You sobbed softly- and he broke. His arms were strong and soft as he held you close.

He didn’t care about anything, he didn’t care how the scene looked, he didn’t care that they all knew for certain now. He loved you.

He just needed to know you were okay.

He held you as you shook, “I thought, I was back there Jamie, I- thought I wasn’t going to- to see you again. I thought, he would get lonely, and- and- I was going to miss you- they- they- I didn’t care about any of it. I just thought about you….” You sobbed, trying to get words out. “I got out- I killed them all, I couldn’t face it, couldn’t face not- I killed…” For you. 

“kukla…” Doll.“you’re here, you’re ok, let’s get you to the infirmary. You are hurt, and bleeding…”

His voice was so, so soft —dense with remnants of russian. His arms holding you together.

He ignored it all, ignored the dropped jaws and furrowed brows, you came first. He had shown you as his vulnerability, but he first had to be sure his Achilles heel would be okay.

Please remember to leave your kind thoughts in the comments, and if you enjoyed support with reblogs, ok thanks for reading be back with part two soon!!!!