#ive watched so many moments of it? them?

[evertree123]

I cant stop thinking about this piece of srt

the best part of a coilhead killing you and moving to the next person is situations like this

[adolins-heart]

I wanna be adolin themed again :( I love him :( I miss him

On one hand I wanna finish wind and truth (265 pages left!) and pick an adolin url based on something from the book. On the other hand. Adolin url rn.

[thatsmimi]

as we steamroll right past the gukgak introspection plotline i wish all rizheads a very we can pull through this

[rpfofficial]

character wrapped 2023 💥

tagged by @davidtennantpussytulpa ^-^ i didn't know how many to do so i copied tara and did top 10. i know the severance guys are Four Of Them but i can't separate them theyre all equally important to me

will graham (hannibal), em haywood (nope), aziraphale (good omens), mark & dylan & helly & irving (severance), hawkeye pierce (mash), martha jones (doctor who), ivan karamazov (the brothers karamazov), kim kitsuragi (disco elysium), stewy hosseini (succession), ruescott melshi (andor/rogue one)

i will tag... @fagician @britomart @libraryfag @roadwhores @majorbaby @globuspolski @hadleyfraserfaggot @tenderscience if u want to ^-^

[citrlet]

very sad this morning seeing Ryan and Shane leaving youtube to start yet another exclusive subscription service :/

[conceptuma]

TW for mentions of r*** threats & stalking, as well as abuse tactics, only in my traumadump(s), but otherwise this is a happy ending

Very long post

A lot of my friends know about this one kid who I abhorred for a long time and I still dislike him but for different reasons. The (valid) initial reason was that he said he wanted to r*** me after a few months of close friendship. (I shall refer to this as "the incident" going forward)

This was 2022 btw, for reference. Anyway, I fawned, confused, just politely brushed it off, like, "oh uh, I don't like that stuff in real life haha"... the response was nothing like "oh I'm joking sorry!" ... No, he played it straight. Some shit like "I see..." Concerning.

Then I froze (didn't talk to him for a while, didn't even know why I wasn't doing it, because I hadn't processed the shock) then gradually opened up to my friends about it, they helped me realize how bad it was, and I blocked him.

But due to cyclical pattern issues I have from previous abuse (I mention the source of it later and will likely talk about it in more posts), I reconnected with him later for a short time, and then disconnected again (blocked him forever). But during that time, when I brought the incident up, he clearly backtracked on his actions, it still felt a bit "off" like he's hiding some Knowledge or Intent from me. I explained that this was very shocking and a bad thing to say, which traumatized me. In response, he was claiming that it's just "[his] autism to say inappropriate things as a form of affection." Even with the open mind I have now and better wisdom in lapses in judgment/character, cnc, dubious/grey areas of morality (especially as a result of trauma)... I still believe this is a pretty pathetic explanation. Anyone would, actually.

This is a speculative tangent, but:

I believe there was surrounding issues he just refused to disclose out of fear of rejection.

Which I'm sympathetic to, but I will boldly state my stance is that you should treat people with respect by giving them at least the Option to know who you are and whether you are dangerous or unpleasant to them, and that rejection is likely way less harmful/destructive than you think it is—It'll probably teach you more about how to live properly.

He also maybe didn't have the self-awareness to recognize the gravity of these issues, and the importance of being aware of those issues in a serious, grounded manner. May I mention he was also anti-therapy? Also a result of trauma, which I feel sympathy for, but come on. You have to get better somehow. Okay, really this is just my personal belief so I sound like an ass in the way I am typing this, and this is exactly why me and this guy shouldn't have been friends because I am BIG on psychology/therapy & critical self-awareness. Everyone must get over trauma for the sake of self-betterment. I knew this kid was stagnating, but hey, doesn't everyone? The worst part is that he didn't really understand that he was stagnating...? Said stuff like "you seem like you always want to solve some invisible problem, I don't get it, I hate it" ... I'm just chilling, bro. What you're noticing is the human desire for self-betterment, enrichment, growth. Well, he was still a kid, so who knows, maybe it's just a phase he'll heal out of in his 20's.

Back to the main topic:

He had made odd jokes before, and nebulous identification with problematic media/OCs (which I also do). But before the incident, I had tolerated this critical consumption of fiction & expression. Because, tbh, I know a lot of people who are secretly like that. And with time, I have understood it a little more, by being open-minded, and understanding, (firsthand with myself, secondhand enriched perspective through friends) about what trauma does to self identity and taste in fiction.

But in this case, the incident really recontextualized everything he had said before. Because, at least my other friends were a little more honest about what was wrong with them, and I was honest as well— and now, in this case I felt like I was now volunteering information and getting not enough information back, including what are you Doing with this information/why do you Want it (it's my trauma-rooted stalkerphobia or fear of one-sidedness really).

And I still do believe that he could end up or already be a r**ist/p*do/stalker irl or online. He claims not to be a stalker, but he did let me live in his head rent free for longer than I'd like, evidently, with some reconnection attempts or calling me his "wife [he] misses" after I blocked him, AND right after the incident, which is so fucking weird. Like, how do you even think that way about stuff? I don't know, anyway I also don't care. (We never dated, never joked like that + he's years younger than me/was a minor, it was one-sided obsession of his) But he stopped trying to contact me and hopefully doesn't stalk me anymore.

Anyway, that's just me providing a backdrop for this post for it to make sense the only way I know how to— providing the full context.

I just wanted to say that after I cut him off for good, I have understood things better with time, and now I would rephrase my revenge-obsessed sentiment of "oh my god he MUST be a p*do/r**ist/stalker and MUST DIE!!!" ... as, instead:

I don't know if he is any of those specifically, I might even relate to some of the problems that lead him to being that way. He was very likely acting out poorly as a misguided child, and is confused about who he is because of trauma and a lack of good guidance figures. And either way, I don't really care who he is, he's not my problem. All I know is that I dislike him as a person regardless of that stuff. We should have not been friends, and the only reason we even became close friends in the first place is because I was going through some intense martyr complex shit at the time, and that he was so deprived of a good guide figure, that he just became so obsessed with me that his lack of self-awareness became a problem.

I'm proud of this growth I've had. For my sake. Because I think the trauma and conviction of hate was driving me crazy. ...

I also broke the cycle that I'd been repeating ever since I was abused for the first time, most notably by someone online (in 2016) who trained me to come back to them after being abused, via them guilt-tripping/threatening sui.

That and cancel culture mentality / dichotomous thinking (that I have since left behind because it is a Plague) made me think that if someone was not Evil, then I, for whatever moral obligation or reason of friendship or loneliness, should reconnect/apologize and try to 'grow the relationship from it' as if fights like that were just apart of the process (it sometimes is but that's not exactly a principle that can exist by itself). The abuse programming was so deep-set I can't even understand now why this pattern had so much profound deep emotional control on me before.

... I've had too much revenge-inspiring trauma in my life already, that incident was the catalyst for me developing PTED (Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder) and it was not fun. The only emotion I felt for months was hatred, apathy, desire for complete isolation (I couldn't comprehend any form of attraction, relationship, or indulgence in this time period as well), and I compulsively thought of revenge and violence. Of course I never stooped to the level of enacting it IRL, just played violent games constantly for a few weeks to keep my mind satiated and not feel like I'm going crazy 😭 It was soulsucking. I wanted it to be over. Eventually it was. And I slowly, over the course of a year, got much better. With some highs and lows but oh my god I'm so much better with everything.

So I am happy for myself. Actually you'll notice a lot of my posts lately (other than venting about disability/trauma) are me being happy for myself. If I wasn't so happy I'd probably not even be posting at all.

[phantastragoria]

The tragedy that is the majority of viewers not catching onto the fact that Gamora had tons of internal cybernetics and an entirely replaced skeletal system when those are the only things that will remain long after she's gone.

[snailsandstrawberries]

going insane (again) i have an exam in three days and i wanted to start studying and i went through everything we need to know in an hour. AN HOUR. pathetic excuse of a class holy shit

[paul-simon-juggling]

'PAUL SIMON: IN CONCERT'

Paul Simon live at the Tower theatre, Philadelphia, October 7th 1980 CED videodisk

[vanishintoyou]

it's still sooo funny to me how the party is fighting for their lives in the astral prism and shadowheart is just having her magical girl transformation somewhere out there. lynn jaheira wyll and gale having a few breakdowns while shadowheart is dying her hair for emo reasons. astarion probably helping her

[skitskatdacat63]

I feel like this clip from the podium deserves to be posted in full

[mbat]

"this house is so full of ghost activity!!"

the house:

[wolfwarrior142]

It really is a curse to my fuckin brain that my favorite show has a character named Viren and my fave videogame has a character named Riven. Two very different characters. One a human mage, one a massive reality-bending and extremely dangerous wish dragon. Both with extremely similar names that I mix up ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

[dykecadence]

i hate the binge model actually. its one thing for me to sit down and, of my own volition, watch 8 hours worth of television on my day off but having shows drop half or whole seasons in a single day and then being expected to have watched them in their entirety in that first 24 hours if you dont want to be spoiled everywhere you look is just insane

[robitherat]

No I'm literally so mad. I blasted frank iero and screamed the whole way home. Not even along with the songs I just screamed.

[wilder-fangirl]

story in the tags

the unbreakable connection between me and a song I heard in a fanvid over ten years ago