#ive tried asking my parents for help but my mom just told me to not be like that. so that didnt help much if im honest

[minglana]

on the one side i think its good that i dont stress myself out too much for exams, especially if i fail. on the other hand, maybe ive normalized failing exams a bit too much, personally.

[lavender---sunshine]

i am so deep in my feelings right now, i both sad and mad enough that i cannot sleep

[clovis-enthusiast]

Hey Clovis, with Mother’s Day around the corner, I’m curious: are you close with your mom? Will you be celebrating with her?

(ooc: not me answering this months later 💀)

"huh, oh mother's day? that was... ah... a week ago or something, right? *yawn* yeah im close with my ma mère. my mom, i mean. i don't see her a lot physically anymore since ive got *yaaawwwnnn* counselor duties and whatnot, but i talk to her in my dreams at least once a week or so. try to at least. even just a small check-in with a nice hug is better than nothing."

"i see my dad far more often than my mom because... you know... i do be sleepin' and hypnos is actually one of the more attentive godly parents, but i grew up with my mom so she'll always have that edge though i love them both a lot."

"*yawwwnnn* oh, yeah. the other question. i asked nico to shadow travel me to see mom on mothers day. brought her some cookies the dryads made since she loves sweet stuff. also gave her a fleece tie blanket i made in arts and crafts that took me... well... approximately A Long Time to finish but she loved it and she smiled a lot and thanked me and told me she loved me and gave me a hug and *yawn* it was really nice. what was Not really nice was will badgering me and nico later because apparently will wants me to leave my cabin and go outside but when i ask nico very nicely to shadow travel me somewhere he gets all grumpy. *shrug* beggars cant be choosers."

"but yeah... yeah. i love my mom." 💙

(ooc/headcanons under the cut)

hi hi!! so i headcanon that clovis's mom was originally from france (hence his very french name) and moved to new york under the guidance of hypnos through dreams in order to get his son to camp without being too far away from his mama. his mom speaks almost solely french and very little english so clovis grew up speaking french AND english since he attended public schooling before going to camp and switching to be a year round camper after he became the head counselor of his cabin.

i imagine they are very close. his mother had to be very attentive with clovis due to his narcolepsy and hypersomnia. as a baby and toddler, it was often difficult to figure out if he needed to be fed or was sick etc. because he slept so much, and he also was slower to learn how to walk and hit other developmental milestones because of that. due to his mother speaking little to no english, as clovis got older, he often stayed by her side when he wasnt at school to help translate.

i have two ideas for what his mother does career-wise. one idea is that she works in a library which is why and where clovis obtained a ton of his knowledge about mythology aside from his dreams. the one i default to though is that she owns a small bakery (nearby a library) where she handmakes everything. clovis used to "work" there as well, usually to translate, but he grew up around his mother's baking so he is actually a very good baker! not many people know this since he's usually asleep which is a tragedy truly. now that his mom can speak and understand english a bit better and was also able to get enough funds to hire a translator once clovis became a year round camper, clovis doesnt venture down there too often. every once in a while though, he will ask for someone (usually nico) to go with him to visit his mom for a bit.

his mom has met and greatly enjoys the people he has befriended including but not limited to annabeth, nico, will, and lou ellen. she's very chatty and very generous so she often tries to convince clovis and his friends to stay for a homecooked dinner or spend the night. she also still has clovis's bedroom all set up and cozy for whenever he decides to drop by, just in case.

also, chiron actually helps clovis's mom out on the down low by allowing her to take some of the camp's strawberries for her baked goods under the agreement that she will send some over sometime which she is more than happy to do!

as stated above, i think clovis has, at the very least, weekly dream check-ins with his mom. he might not always have a lot to share but his mom adores him and listens to every word. on rare occasions, sometimes even clovis's half-siblings, his friends, or hypnos himself will stumble/be pulled into these check-ins and they'll all have a lovely lil hangout sesh.

but YEAH!! clovis loves him mama, and his mama loves him!!

[cesar-salad-moon]

The boy in the Manor

Chapter 1: Prolouge

Warnings: Yandere, Implied forced relationship, threats, (if I missed anything let me know).

You have known Ajax since you were young. He was two years older than you, but you both had always been playmates. Your family's were friends so many nights at each other's manors. Yes, you guys lived in manors but they weren't as big as others. Just big for Snezhnaya. But it was a nice childhood anyways.

It was another night over at Ajax's family's manor and you, your mom, your dad, Ajax and his parents, and his three little sibblings sitting around. He was now 14, and you were 12. It was a simple dinner nothing crazy, untill it was brought up that Ajax was going to train with the fatui fora few years, leaving in a week. The table was quiet for a moment, but then cheers went through the room. In Snezhnaya, Fatui are highly respected and they get a lot of military advantage. There were happy cheers for Ajax but also Bittersweet tears as well. The rest of the dinner got finished and it was a good night.

Just as you were about to leave, Tuecer asked you to help him with something. And how could you say no to his cute little face? "Oh, ive gotta go to the bathroom, just go to my room!" He then ran off that's when you found out you didn't know where his room even was. You hated snooping around but you opened doors trying to find his room. On the 3rd attempt, you seemed to open a closet. It was dark but you walked in. You flicked the light on and then you could see it clear. There were dead things in here. Clearly a vision was used. Dead animals, but thank God their was no humans. As you were about to leave you felt hands on your back pushing you back in, just as you turned around to scream a hand was clampped onto your mouth. You could see who it was, Ajax. "Now your not gonna tell on me, are you?" He said with a laugh. You were trying to talk but it was muffled due to his hand on your mouth. As you tried to scream, he slapped you. "Be quiet. Geuss I might as well spill everything."

"So, I'm leaving as you know. But, when I come back you are gonna marry me. I'll be gone for 4 years, so during that time do what ever you want. Have your unlimited freedom. But when I return, you are to be my wife and listen to my rules. And if you don't then I'll have to take matters into my own hands. I want a big family you know," he says as his eyes traveled down your shirt and his hands traveled to your neck. Then he made eye contact back with you and his hands went back to your mouth. "By the way if you tell anyone about this, I have people on call to hurt the ones you love. His hands leave your mouth and he starts to leave the closet, "Bye y/n."

A week later you were on the front lawn of Ajax Family's manor. A fancy carriage ready to take him away. You all did your hugs and when he got to you, he whisperd in your ear, "Don't forget when I told you." The whole situation was all you could think about, even as the carriage got smaller and smaller into the distance.

[thescrumblingmidwife]

So I actually have a separate hymen and want to talk a little about it and ask a question.

I first started my period at 12, and that was no big deal. It was always spaced out by about 6 months. But when I started synchronized swimming and water polo, it became a problem. I had tried to use tampons, but my body just wouldn't let me. My mom kept telling me I must've been too tensed up. Finally, when I was 15, I was able to use one so I could go to a pool party.

Party ended, I got home, tried to change the tampon...

And I couldn't.

I kept trying to remove it, but it felt like it was caught on something. So my mom and I went to the ER and the lady who helped me was very kind and suggested I use sports tampons due to how they absorb and open up.

A few other instances of things feeling like they got "hooked" on something and finally feeling around, I realized there was that extra tissue there.

Even with tampons that don't unfurl like a massive block of cotton, it still hurts and takes me a few tries to remove tampons, but the problem is that I'm terrified of surgery. I know it would improve my quality of life in regards to menstruation, but I don't know how to broach the topic with family (fyi I am an adult, but still live with my parents and I am unable to drive) or my doctor.

Do you have any advice on how to bring it up and what to expect/how to not be so nervous?

Also, apologies for the long ask!

Hi Anon!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us!

I will share one with you: I also had a septate hymen, and I know exactly what you're talking about with the pain of tampon use. I lived with it for years - even managing to have sex around it, until one day it finally snapped, causing a lot of bleeding and pain. The result was a lot of scar tissue, that caused painful intercourse for years. All of which I thought was completely normal, because no one ever told me otherwise. When I finally had the procedure (called a "hymenotomy") to remove the extra tissue, it changed my life.

Because I had that experience, I can also tell you what will happen with a hymenotomy. I hope reading this will help ease your anxiety:

You'll go to the facility where your doctor performs procedures (may be a hospital, outpatient clinic, or surgical center). You'll be asked to put on a gown and sit on a gurney. They'll probably cover you in warm blankets. A nurse will give you an IV. Then, they will either wheel or walk you down to the procedure room. You'll be asked to sit on a high table, and probably to scoot your bottom close to the edge. Your doctor will be there, as well as an anesthetist and a nurse. They will put a mask over your face, and have you count back from 10. You'll get to about 8 or 7 before you get SO TIRED you fall quickly into the best sleep you've ever had. When you wake up, it will be like no time passed, and it will be done. The postprocedure discomfort is pretty mild and can be handled with Tylenol. You may have a couple of stitches, which will either dissolve on their own, or may be the kind the doctor will remove at a follow-up to check your healing. And then you'll never have to worry about snagging tampons ever again!

---

Now, Anon, how to bring it up?

Do you currently see a gynecologic healthcare provider? If not, that's where you need to start. As an adult with a vagina, you should regularly see one for well-woman care and screenings. If you need your parents' help finding one, you don't need to share any information beyond "current best practice guidelines state that I should be receiving gynecologic care and I would like to do so." You're entitled to medical confidentiality, even from parents, even from parents you live with and whose insurance you are on, and who drive you places.

Once you've gotten an appointment with a gynecologic provider, I think you'll find the topic can come up quite naturally. The provider will ask if you have any concerns you want to discuss. You will want to tell a provider about your issues with an obstruction before they perform any kind of exam - and it should be visually obvious to a provider as well. (The provider will always look before touching, and warn you every step of the way). The provider will then have a conversation with you about your options, and give you the information you need to make a decision. She should also be able to help you decide how much you need or want to explain to your parents.

I hope this was helpful to you, and maybe ameliorated a tiny bit of your anxiety. The unknown is so much scarier than the real thing!

[she-karev]

The Night Before (Andrew DeLuca x Alex Karev’s Sister Imagine)

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: One of Two

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Ship: Andrew DeLuca x Amber Karev (Alex Karev Sister’s)

Canon Episode: Season 17 Episode 6

AN: We're nearing the bad time we all don't want to think about but in this blog your safe cuz DeLuca lives in my mind and in my heart. Stay tuned for the next chapter and the next story that will surely break your hearts but mend them.

Summary: Andrew talks to Amber about them spending the night together needing to know if it was a one-time thing or it could lead to something more.

Words: 1804

April 29th, 2020

Andrew DeLuca is helping Carina set up a bed in the cafeteria that is now being converted into covid overflow. The task is depressing to Andrew and his sister who know it’s a necessity for the public but know it could have been easily avoided if people followed protocols. While he is doing this Andrew told Carina about his night with Amber on her last night of quarantine. He is seeking her advice in Italian, so nobody overhears, and this gets back to Alex, Jo and Jackson who are still on the fence about him and protective of Amber.

“I was gonna take a shower and leave.” Andrew recaps in his native language to his sister who is helping him set up the bed, “I was gonna leave but then she came in and started taking her clothes and…” Andrew sighs in pleasure at the memory from six days ago, “It was like our first night together only better and it makes me wonder if she felt the same too.”

“Did she regret it?” Carina asks in Italian.

“No she didn’t, if anything she was eager for more the morning after.” Andrew sets up the monitor, “But then we left the room. We drove back to our places and I haven’t heard a word from her since. If I didn’t know better, I would think she was getting revenge for when I didn’t answer her calls, but I know despite how she acts she’s not like that.”

Carina tucks the bedsheets in the gurney, “Have you seen her here? Has she been in yet?”

“Yeah, tonight is her first night back and I don’t know if she’s avoiding me or I’m avoiding her.”

“Why would you be avoiding her?” Carina asks, “Do you regret that night?”

“God no that night was…” Andrew tries to find the words, “It was amazing and not just because of the isolation. I really felt like we were finally gonna start over again and she was gonna give me another chance like I’ve been begging her for weeks. I thought we were finally gonna move past that awful stage we were in, but it’s been three days since I’ve heard from her, and I think that’s answer enough. A part of me is avoiding her too because I’m afraid she’s gonna reject me again and I’m gonna have to work extra hard to keep my sanity in check.”

Carina looks at her brother in sympathy knowing he’s still beating himself up, “I’ve apologized, and I’ve tried to see things from her point of view in this. I know if it was her that inherited her mom’s illness, I would be a wreck too and I would be triggered from living with papa.” Carina gets a crinkle in her eyebrow that Andrew knows too well causing him to furrow his eyebrows, “What is it?”

Carina shrugs, “I didn’t say anything.”

“You know that mask covers your mouth and nose but not your eyebrows which I can see crinkling. It’s what you do when you hold back on something for my own sake.” Carina admonishes herself for her tell as her brother persists, “Come on tell me, I’m a big boy I can handle it.”

Carina sighs but relents, “Fine but you asked for it bambino. I know Amber feels like you can relate to what her mother put her through, but the truth is you weren’t exposed to that like she was.”

Andrew narrows his eyes in curiosity as he sets up the IV pole while Carina continues, “Me and mama tried to shield you from papa’s mania and his aggression. Amber’s brothers did the same for her with her mother but unlike you she didn’t have a parent to move her across the world away from that insanity. Me and Amber had to deal with that on a daily basis, me with papa’s mania and her with her mama’s hallucinations.”

Andrew looks remorseful for both Amber and Carina that had to grow up with that, “I don’t want you to feel bad I would rather you not go through what we went through at all but the fact is she has been face to face with that suffering longer than you. And when we left we have learned not to come second to chaos.”

Andrew sighs and understands more, “And I did that to her when I was showing symptoms. So, you’re saying there’s no hope because Amber is determined not to be around someone like her mother again?”

“No, I’m not.” Carina mends before standing six feet away from him, “Listen your words are not enough you need to show her that this is not a checklist and she’s not a reward. She needs to know that your priorities have evolved and that you won’t hurt her or yourself when things don’t go your way. She needs to know that she can trust you again and that you won’t leave her again. If she sees that then maybe she can start to let you in and if not, then you keep prioritizing your mental health without her in your life.”

Andrew sighs and nods knowing his sister is right. If he really wants to start over with Amber, it has to start with him making it clear to her that he’s not gonna hurt her again. He also begins to understand more on why she is so reluctant to trust him again and resolves to finally fix what he broke.

An Hour Later

Amber exits the bathroom in the residents lounge ready to start her night shift when she finds Andrew DeLuca sitting at the table in the empty room clearly waiting for her. She is only mildly surprised as she had to know this was coming sooner or later. After they had sex she has been ignoring his calls and texts wanting some time alone to figure out what it meant to her.

She knows it meant that she was beginning to let him in slowly and seeing the progress that she’s made. But she knows it also meant she could open herself up to pain again. She knows he could slip and lash out at her again and make her go through this heartache that she has worked so hard to overcome. She also knows that not a day has gone by she hasn’t stopped wanting him close to her again like when she was in quarantine.

Amber tries to keep her face neutral as she goes to her cubby to collect her mask and face shield, “What are you doing here?”

“I came to check on you and see how you were doing.” Andrew explains standing up to stand six feet behind Amber who turns to face him after putting her things on, “I know it’s your first day back since quarantine and I wanted to make sure you were still okay. I mean you know how unpredictable this virus is.”

Amber nods, “Yeah, I do. I’ve been good, I’m showing no symptoms so that’s great. I’m staying at a hotel, so I don’t expose my roommates in case I get it again. I’m looking for a new place which is a challenge obviously.”

“Well, there’s no rush.” Andrew tells her, “I mean you don’t want to end up paying three years of your salary on a rundown shack with a goat yoga instructor for a roommate.”

Amber raises an eyebrow, “Goat yoga? That’s a thing?”

Andrew chuckles, “Yeah apparently it’s like regular yoga only you have a baby goat standing on your back, it’s supposed to be relaxing.”

“More like a PETA violation.” Amber retorts with a grin, “I mean yoga is hard enough for me with all of those stretches and I have to have five drinks in me just to tolerate it. No, a goat on my back that poor animal would end up in my slow cooker.”

Andrew laughs at that, “Yeah it would.”

Amber chuckles before grabbing her lab coat, “I gotta go I’m helping with discharges tonight, whether I’ll discharge more body bags than people I’ll let you know.” Amber moves around Andrew to leave the room.

Andrew gathers the courage before speaking up, “Amber wait.”

Amber stops in place and turns to face him, “What is it?”

“…I know your conflicted about what happened between us that night.” Amber inhales with her face contorting in uncomfortableness, “I know this because you haven’t responded to my calls or texts since you checked out.”

“Andrew-”

“Let me finish please.” Andrew pleads and Amber crosses her arms but stands there and listens, “…I know I ruined everything. And I know it isn’t just the mania that’s making it so hard for you to give me another chance. I know it was me leaving that hit the nail on the head. I let my illness hurt you like your mom and Aaron did to you. And I left you like your dad and Alex did too. I hurt you in a way that combined all the ways your family has hurt you and I am sorry.”

Amber looks down at her feet as she hears this apology that squeezes her heart, “I am sorry, and I know it took a lot for you to trust me and I know that trust I earned died in my apartment that night. I know that now. I screwed up and I pushed you away but that’s the old Andrew. The new Andrew is 100 percent transparent; the new Andrew is 100 percent committed to his mental wellbeing and he can prove it to you if you let him.”

“Are you talking in the third person?” Amber asks baffled.

“Yes. Andrew is because Andrew…” Andrew shakes his head continuing his speech in normal terms, “I love you, I’m in love with you, you’re the love of my life.” Amber sighs pressing her lips together at this confession that is pulling her strings.

“I promise you if you give me another chance, I will not waste it.” Andrew swears on the spot, “I will earn back your trust no matter how long it takes me because you are worth every effort. If you take me back, I’m not gonna run away again and I’m not gonna put my mania above our relationship again. I promise you that from now on I will be the person who mends your pain instead of adding it.”

Amber is touched by this promise, but she hides this behind her mask so as not to give Andrew false hope.

“But if you decide not to try to trust me again…” Andrew sighs but continues, “Then I’ll understand.” Amber inhales at this before turning to exit the room leaving Andrew hoping he made an impact on the woman he loves.

Next Chapter Here

[e-icreator23]

Another thing.

Sorry a bit of a rant or something

Seems like no matter what neither of us can ever make him happy nor my mom. They both are disappointed in me mainly since I came out to them. My dad will yell at us for little things as well as my mom but they usually defend my siblings when they do something bad like breaking something or them blaming me for something I didn't do. I normally dont talk to them since I have to be careful with what I say since he will tell me that Im too weird, question whom im with and talk to an other things. Im am scared of my parents and they dont trust any authority figure, police men/women, doctors, dentist, teachers etc.

Since I like to draw, they find it really weird since they dont like what I draw and it's nothing that bad (in my opinion). They hate who I talk to (they aren't bad at all just they like games comics costplays things like that) and most of all anyone who's LGBTQ+. They hate it. I know I was an accident but they kept me since their parents made them and then they wanted more and they were better off with them. I still remember when my mom slammed my head into the table because she was mad with my hair and when she cut my back. I tried to please them as much as I could and I still do, Im a people pleaser and my friends get me in trouble because it. Im told that im ugly, a fag, stupid, fat, overweight, and that no one would want me and it does hurt. I tried to commit (if you know what I mean by that. the bad one) before but it didn't work so I played it off. I was taught that you couldn't cry for much and if you did you were considered weak. If it wants a funeral or something of that nature then it was stupid for you to cry. They will make fun of you and say it to your face. They also aren't afraid of the authorities. I was taught that you can never trust and authority figure and to be on the look out of them. I still do and my friends brought it up and I had to tell them. With the police constantly having to deal with both sides of the families problems. Ive grown a fear to them why most times I dont ask an adult for help. There was something that happened where a person wanted to do acts on me and I was uncomfortable with it and I did tell an authority figure but my dad told me that I was stupid for doing that and when the security tried to talk to me I walked away. I cant talk to councilors at all now. Therapy is also deemed worthless and a waste to them as well even though it has been recommended but they won't do it. I dont think I will be accepted in my family and those who have came out to them in my family have "disappeared" because they feel uncomfortable around them knowing they hate that. I feel like that as well so I have no idea what to say to any of them. This is why I roleplay so much to get away from it. It's comforting to me. And it also goes why im scared to talk to people like foxalone, nova2cosmos and their friends since I feel like the dont like me from what my family has said to me. Like them, they are awesome and talented creators and I admire them but my family criticize me for liking art and for saying how I feel. I know that my family doesnt like the little things I do and so I think that everyone hates it so thats why I get nervous to talk to any of them or tag them. (also why I say sorry in some since I think im bother them) Im really sorry about this and I know not really anyone will read this far but if you did then thank you and sorry again. If this is stupid for you then I can see why so yeah. Just wanted to say this. Im really only living for my friends and my love. So again im sorry for this rant or vent or whatever you call it. Thank you.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: I study in a different country to where we live, so my family and I go months without seeing each other sometimes. But for some reason I never miss them. When I get back, they understandably are curious to know lots of stuff, but their questions make me feel uncomfortable, and it doesn’t have to do with the questions themselves. It seems that I don’t feel comfortable sharing myself with my family.

At this point my mom has even mentioned that she’s not sure she knows who I am anymore. Whenever she brings up the way our relationship has come to be, it makes me really sad as well. (Note: my close family is just my mom and grandma, I have an aunt and two cousins that are pretty close as well, and that’s it). It started being like this when I was 13 or 14, and it’s gotten worse and worse. It feels like I don’t love my family. Even though they’ve been endlessly kind to me.

13/14 is the same time I started to feel depressed, and until now Ive only had brief moments of alleviation, when Im distracted from it by socialising or doing a fun activity. I don’t know if one is the cause of the other, or if they have some common cause or are completely unrelated. Maybe the depression isn’t related, since I have great relationships with my friends, and I don’t see why the depression would discriminate between friends and family in terms of how I am with them. During university there were several times that I had nightmares involving my mom and her bad temper.

She was a strict parent but had reasonable boundaries but would explode sometimes and looking back those were emotionally torturous moments. She moved on from them really quickly and was able to make a joke and change conversation soon after, whereas I can’t do that. Maybe I haven’t been able to move on from any of them and this is the result. The nightmares probably mean I have some resentment, right? I feel I shouldn’t have any resentment because she really loves me and her goal is my happiness, and she has made the impossible possible for me.

On the other hand, perhaps her anger and my unconscious resentment is a completely separate issue, since my grandma is probably one of the most kind and selfless people and has never been bad to me, and yet I feel the same with her – I feel uncomfortable sharing myself, I get irritated by them too easily but try not to show anything. And reading this back makes me disgusted with myself. I feel uncomfortable talking to them, hugging them, even smiling at them. For some reason Im better with my aunt and cousins in this regard, but Im not at all like this with my friends.

Maybe Im so knee deep that I’m scared of my family’s happiness if I were to actually change my behaviour at this point. Recently my mom asked me whether I would tell her any secret/problem of mine. She wasn’t asking me to share one, just asking if I would. She said she never told her parents about her problems because she doesn’t get along with her dad, and her mom would just tend to dismiss her feelings, though with good intentions. My mom said she deeply hopes that I would share. I thought about it and concluded that I wouldn’t. Even though she’s the wisest person I know and would be the best at helping me with any problem, I wouldn’t, and I don’t know why. I didn’t tell her this because I don’t want to hurt her. Like I literally cannot remember the last time I smiled at her.

For 19 years I never once thought about my emotions or tried understanding them, I would just ignore them with other activities and they disappeared. Now with more and more problems coming in, and more serious problems, Im trying to teach myself how to be aware of and understand my emotions. I wish I had a good relationship with my mom and I don’t know how to fix it because I don’t know why it all went wrong.

I've been depressed without break for 5 years and with emotional problems all of a sudden appearing in the past half year I recently feel suicidal. Of course my mom knows none of it, and the one reason I haven’t done anything to myself is because she loves me a lot and she would blame herself for the rest of her life. So even my emergency exit is blocked off. What on earth is my issue? You owe me nothing. Thank you sincerely.

--------------------

When depression is serious enough to produce suicidal ideation, I very strongly recommend getting professional help. You seem to continually underplay the severity of the problem. Denial only makes the situation worse by allowing mental health problems to fester and worsen over time.

You say you aren't very in touch with your feelings and you tend to ignore them or brush them off. It's actually worse than that because you actively avoid and suppress negative feelings and emotions. Do you know what happens when you do that? You numb yourself and then also lose the ability to feel positive feelings and emotions. Depression is the absence of the positive, is it not? It sounds like one of the first things you need to do is improve your emotional intelligence, consult past posts and recommended books on the resources page.

If you don't mention your type, then my ability to help you is quite curtailed. One deeper reason people get depressed is they get stuck in a rut, existentially. Another way to put it is that they've stopped growing and maturing. I believe this is a relevant factor in your case because you are an adult but still think and behave like a child.

Only you know the reason why you mentally got stuck at the age of 13. For some people, something traumatic happens to them and they can't get past the pain of it, so it halts their growth. For some people, they experience repeated failures and become helpless or destructive, and their dysfunction halts their growth. For some people, it isn't any event that triggered them but a general resistance to change. They get stuck in one very narrow perspective and their mind completely closes to alternative possibilities. Each time the world sends them signs about how their way of seeing things is flawed/wrong, they close up more and more, and they eventually live life as though trapped in a cage of their own making.

Human beings have a natural inclination toward movement and progress - to learn, grow, and evolve. When you stop learning, you stop growing. You've been static for five years. Whatever the reason behind it, understand that resisting the natural inclination to realize your personal potential keeps your mind stuck in the past. The best way out is to make a conscious choice to drop the resistance and embrace the change that would take you to a better place in life.

As I mentioned in a previous post, there are many factors that may contribute to a negative attitude toward change, for example:

fear of loss (of something familiar/valuable)

fear of losing safety or stability

fear of losing control (and facing unpredictability)

fear of losing oneself, one’s identity, or one’s freedom

desiring the gains/benefits of unhealthy behavior

low self-esteem

toxic shame

fear of failure

fear of success

pessimism

unrealistic expectations

low frustration tolerance (fear of pain)

lack of resources for coping with the stress of change

lack of knowledge, skill, or competency (regarding how)

What many people don't understand is that the negative things in life are the secret doors to growth. When you avoid the things that trigger your emotional defense mechanisms and run from the situations that seriously challenge you to change your attitude/approach, you will feel bad about yourself. The longer you do it, the more self-esteem you lose, until you eventually feel worthless and, as you say, "disgusted" with yourself.

Negative feelings and emotions serve an important purpose in urging you forward in life, and the more you don't listen to them, the louder they get, until they eventually mutate into a full-blown mood disorder like anxiety or depression. The emotional system is part of your survival instinct as a human being. Negative feelings and emotions are there to prompt action. To fail to act is to fail to survive, to fail to live.

But when you're brave enough to face up to the things that make you uncomfortable, the process of meeting the challenge will reveal new aspects of yourself and you'll have more opportunities to learn about what it means to live life well. Do you care about your potential? Do you care about living life better? Or do you want to stay the same your whole life? You've tried the latter, how is it working out for you? When your life strategy isn't working, it's time for something new, is it not?

There is certainly a big difference between family and friends. Family relationships have far greater potential for intimacy and, on the flip side, far greater potential to hurt. The fact that you feel so conflicted about them reveals the depth of your care and love for them, yet you don't want to express any of it. Friends come and go throughout life, but familial love is a foundational aspect of your existence, a part of your identity. Denying it means denying an important part of yourself, like locking part of yourself away to wither and die. Until you confront this family conflict and reconcile your feelings about it, you'll keep feeling fragmented and stuck in life. Whether you decide to love them or leave them, commit to a decision so that you can finally get on with your life.

On the surface, this situation with your family likely indicates that you have a fear of vulnerability, but there could be other fears mixed in beneath it as well. You have yet to realize that confronting the fear and working through it allows you to learn how to be a more capable person and how to live your life better. Your life is in your hands. You are choosing to keep yourself closed off. You can choose to open the door at any time. Feeling fear, anxiety, or pain is not the end of the world. In fact, without opening yourself up to those negative feelings, you'll never truly understand what it means to experience positive feelings like happiness, fulfillment, and love.

[mr-ribbit]

so idk why I keep putting posts here about it but idk how to bring it up in any other setting

my dad got checked into the hospital about two weeks ago after a fall, with additional complications from alcoholism as they realized he had fallen after having 800% the driving alcohol limit in his blood test. after which they determined his liver is absolutely fucked and dying and a bunch of other shit too. he didn't just Fall, he fell which made them realize he was in a near deadly body shutdown

a year ago he almost had a heart attack also related to this and he lied to my mom about quitting and started drinking again.

ive had a bad relationship with him for a long time and I've always known he's an alcoholic, but apparently he's been drinking at least a 24 pack of beer a day +hard liquor my mom can't keep track of. and that's just been happening for who knows how long now. he drives around (presumably not sober) in the morning when my mom's asleep to go buy more in secret.

they are putting him through detox and now he's in a "rehab facility" which I believe is mostly an assisted temporary living place for his injuries/health stuff. when it first happened my mom said they were going to make sure he got into alcoholism classes or counseling or Something to help, and he agreed to it, but now that he's in the facility he's saying he wants to go home and I'm 99% sure he's going to ignore any advice he agreed to before

or maybe he won't and he'll get better. which is great. but idk my bad relationship isn't just bc of the drinking it's bc of years of shitty behavior, verbal abuse, and other stuff. so like my mom's asking me to come see him and coddle him and be nice and I'm like. why the fuck should I, my brother already does and pretends he doesn't know about all the bad stuff and enables all of this behavior.

i finally said like yea ill come see him to tell him how I feel about this, and if he's promising to get sober then maybe I'll visit more. but now my mom is lording this over me to make me come and celebrate my fucking birthday with them in the hospital and when I tried to say that sounded awful she got super manipulative and crazy at me

and idk there's a bunch of other shit involved that I don't want to get into here but no matter how many boundaries I try to set or whatever my mom just calls back and pretends to be surprised when I'm not happy that she's pressuring me to do the thing I said no to already

I told her I wanted to tell him the next time I see him that I'm not gonna keep visiting him if he ever drinks again. I don't want to watch him die in front of me and I don't want to become his full caretaker, like he's trying to do to my brother who apparently gets calls at 2am a few times a year now bc my dad fell drunk in the night and couldn't get up. and apparently he's just been DOING that and no one's been drawing any lines or getting him help or telling him to stop or anything. they just keep saying "you know how he is" and I'm like. I fucking do which is why I refuse to come to christmas with him anymore, it's why I hate being around the family, it's why I have disorders

but now they're using my literal birthday as ??? bait to manipulate me, bc apparently MY birthday is about MY PARENTS because they CELEBRATE HAVING ME and I'm a fucking TERRIBLE PERSON if I say I don't want to fucking open presents and pretend to smile and laugh and eat cake in front of them while my dad refuses to address the fact that he almost killed himself 2 weeks ago

[lewmagoo]

Sorry I am a Christian (not a good one) and I do have religious trauma, church in gen kind of burns me out and I cant stand but I still believe and its all about God loving and love and all

My parents are pastors and are huge advocates for therapy. My mom has pointed out how people in the Bible suffered from mental health and how it isnt a new thing, how it isnt just "the state of the world now" or "a phase", but how people needed help back then even. Yeah, sure they turned to God like we should, BUT THEY NEEDED THERAPY. People have told my mom "uh but they should pray more and God can take the feelings away he's all powerful he created everything" and my mom deadass looks them in the eye and says "yeah sure they can pray more so can you and I. Since God is all powerful there must have been a reason he created therapy, because we need it."

My mom is probably the best example of a Christian I've ever seen irl, she loves and advocates for love and mental health.

I dont understand people sometimes like esp Christians who are against therapy and advocating for mental health. If it helps you and heals you???? Why not?????

You can delete this if you want, idc, I just really can't stand when "christians" do that. As someone who claims to be a Christian, I am sorry.

i completely agree. therapy is so important. it’s okay to ask for help. i grew up baptist and for so long the mindset was like “just pray the mental health issues away!” it’s such an archaic, harmful way of thinking. thankfully, since we have a new pastor with new, more progressive ideas, my church is becoming a lot more open to mental health issues and how to get help for them. which is great. but older church members, my parents included, are still of the mindset that you just need to pray more! god will help you! like okay? i’ve tried that. ive tried to seek god through my rock bottom moments and depressive episodes and it simply wasn’t enough.

i thought something was wrong with me. especially when i was going through some incredibly traumatic events and tried to seek god and felt alone. so i decided to see a therapist. and that was when i realized it’s okay to ask for help. god and the bible aren’t automatic fix-it’s for mental health problems. seeing a therapist isn’t shameful or wrong or admitting you think god can’t help you. if i so choose, i can maintain a relationship with god while also seeking outside help for my mental health. i haven’t been able to go to another therapist for a while bc of other circumstances, but it was an immense help to me when i was able to, and i would never tell anyone “oh just trust god and you’ll be fine! read the bible!” because that’s just not realistic. some people need professional help rather than religion.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw mentions of suicide, self harm, eating disorders, csa, not detailed and all brief, but mentioned all the same. This ended up longer than anticipated and I'm sorry for that.

Nickname: oak

Lately I've been wondering if I...I don't expect too much out of life. Specifically Ive been trying to unravel my childhood and teen years lately. A lot of things I know weren't okay. As much as I tell myself I deserved it and blame myself sometimes, logically I know some stuff just was not right, but some other things Im confused about. I guess I just don't know what...what is the baseline parents and parental figures should meet if they're able to?

Sorry for rambling. Anyway, lately, I've been thinking that other things my parents might have handled my health poorly, especially my mental health. For the most part they took care of my physical health. At the very least I got taken to the doctor when sick, though I guess leading into the rest I should mention that when I got an infection in...in a sensitive place as a kid after being assaulted, my mom did take me to the doctor, but she never actually let him talk to or examine me. She said that since she was a nurse she knew what it was and what medicine I needed, and that it was just from soap so he could just skip to a prescription. Maybe she was trying to protect me, or she actually believed it, but sometimes I wonder whether or not I would have talked about what had happened if given the chance. Probably not so maybe she was right, and if I'd mentioned the things dad had done too that might have led to a messy divorce, so maybe she was just trying to keep the family together. I don't know. Anyway after that I started binge eating and periodically hurting myself around age five, had angry outbursts in class (one of which was bad enough police got involved) and periodically stopped participating at all in school, basically from kindergarten onward to the end of school. At one point in sixth grade I neglected even basic hygiene, and like everything else my parents either didn't notice or didn't say anything until the school sent me home, and even then they didn't say much or ask if I was okay. Looking back all of this seems like it was probably a cry for help, but I don't know. If it was, the closest thing I got to it was being taken to a dietician once when I started starving myself in fifth grade. I'm glad that happened, but looking back I wonder if...I guess if they should have taken that more seriously. I outright told my mom that I just wanted to be smaller so I wouldn't be made fun of and want to die anymore, and...maybe I'm wrong but sometimes I think that, and everything else, warranted some psychological help, instead of just being given a weight loss plan and losing a lot of weight really fast anyway. Then again, I did start at an unhealthy weight so maybe not?

I guess on the mental health front the last thing I'm wondering about is when a classmate found out I was suicidal in high school. He took my note to the counselor, and my dad was notified but just...never talked about it? He had a girlfriend at the time who had occasionally pushed me into doorframes and thrown things at me, but never gotten full on abusive, though she did rant about how I'd be a better person if dad had hit me more than twice in my life, and the day after the whole suicide note thing she went on about how I was just trying to manipulate them both and shouldn't be taken seriously. Sometimes I get really mad that no one ever even tried to get me help during that time, but maybe the girlfriend was right? I don't know. I don't think I was trying to manipulate anyone. I did also pass out for no apparent reason around that time and my dad didn't talk about that either, even though sometimes I think that should have been alarming too? I don't know.

I guess the last thing I had questions about happened when I was twelve. I met this guy who was I think nineteen, not sure exactly but he was definitely an adult. He said I was mature and cool though and started spending a lot of time with me. At first we just talked about books but eventually he brought up wanting to play games online with me, even after I told him I didn't have internet and that was against the library's rules for computer use. He'd still talk about it, and about how all the best girls he knew sent him nudes and had sexual conversations with him online and he thought it would be great if I did too. It felt weird, but never weird enough for me to stop talking to him, but the real odd thing was that my dad was there for some of these conversations. I'm not sure but sometimes I think he should have at least warned me to be careful with this guy. I don't know. I never actually did anything with him but I did take some nude pictures and videos that I thought I'd show him, only for him to abruptly leave town. For whatever reason I kept the videos and pictures though, and multiple times when I had left either my laptop or phone unattended, with only my dad home, I'd come back to find those were the most recently accessed files. I never specifically asked if he'd looked at them but I can't think of any other explanation, especially since it happened more than once, which would mean he didn't just find thst stuff while snooping but actively looked for it. That seems weird in hindsight, just like the fact that he'd watch me shower sometimes since our bathroom didn't have a door and he said we couldn't afford to get one, but I don't know maybe that was normal or at least not that bad?

For the longest time I either didn't think about any of this, or just shrugged it off as a result of us growing up poor. After all, they couldn't repair holes in the floors or walls or broken windows or remove mold, so we had to be poor. It was the only thing that made sense, but after being put in charge of finances after dad ended up in the hospital, I found out that had never been true. We weren't rich, sure, but it turned out they made a lot more money than I'd thought, definitely enough to fix the house up instead of constantly telling me I'd be taken away if anyone saw what it looked like (not true, since paramedics came in once and nothing happened after), and that my health insurance would have covered therapy.

Anyway, this whole long ramble ends with me wondering if I'm right to sometimes think my parents really dropped the ball sometimes, or if I'm entitled and expected too much from them. I don't know. I'm sorry, it seems stupid, but I don't know what is and isn't okay when it comes to family. If I did expect too much, then what is normal? If I am entitled, what do I do about that?

Hi Oak,

I'm sorry to hear about everything you went through.

A lot of what you described with your parents seems neglectful and reckless. Your needs should've been more of a priority. You did not deserve to suffer in the various ways that you did.

I just want to call your attention to how you said your dad's girlfriend was never "full-on abusive" and yet she pushed you into doorframes, threw things at you, and said you should've been hit more. That's still abusive. I guess I'm not entirely sure what you mean by full-on abusive. Abuse is abuse, you know?

I also want to clear the air by saying that his girlfriend is in the wrong, 100%. It's insensitive and dangerous to assume that a suicide threat is nothing serious. As someone who is QPR-certified (suicide prevention), every suicide threat should be taken in full seriousness. It's understandable to be mad that nobody helped you during that time. You didn't deserve to be treated that way.

It sounds like the 19 year old groomed you and solicited CSEM from you. I have to say that I'm not only disgusted by the actions of that 19 year old but also your father. What your dad did is not only a violation of your privacy but the fact he didn't seem concerned is concerning in itself. It's also very creepy and another violation of privacy for him to watch you shower. That's not normal at all, and especially if he knew there wasn't a door, he should've made sure not to look.

I think it's normal to not think much of our childhood traumas, especially until much later. I only just started uncovering and digesting my childhood trauma (12 and earlier) and I'm 22.

You didn't expect too much from your parents, in fact you expected the bare minimum and they couldn't even meet that. Please don't be sorry, none of this is stupid. You've endured a lot of different potentially traumatic things and I think it's important to acknowledge that.

It can be hard to gauge what is normal when it comes to your family. I'm also encountering that as I'm working through my earlier experiences. You don't really have another family of your own to compare these experiences to, so it can be hard to know what's okay and what isn't. But please know that it is not okay to violate your privacy in any way, whether that's being a peeping tom or going through your devices. It's not okay to ignore cries for help, including suicide threats. It's not okay to physically or emotionally abuse you. It's not okay to be medically neglected.

It's important for you to find healing in a way that works for you. If you aren't already in therapy, there are many therapies out there that could help you work through these experiences and how they may have shaped the way you view yourself and your life.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[rottytops]

so i finally, finally finally after like 3.5 years of talking about doing it, finally had my appointment for adhd and..it went really well. it was super easy to talk about my symptoms and the doctor was really nice and understanding too. i have another appointment with a psychologist and then one final doctor's visit where ill get medicated around may...its a lot longer than i would like it to be but in the grand scheme of things its like, in a few weeks ill finally have this awful experience of living with adhd put behind me

but like

i feel soooooooooooooo shitty

i think because the actual process was so quick and painless and easy it only took me like maybe an hour or even less than that for the whole visit but it took me OVER THREE YEARS to actually schedule the appointment. im so frustrated because the last few years have been some of the worst in my life where ive been so depressed and desponend and listless because i just. was unable to create anything. adhd has taken so much from me even before i was freelancing, its what fucked me up in school and nuked my experience in college. ive had these problems for so long and there's always been one root cause and all it took to deal with it was a one hour doctors appointment???

i guess im just upset because. if like, any adult in my life took me aside and asked me what was going on they probably could have figured out i had adhd really quickly, but no one ever did that, my parents just called me lazy and stupid and everyone else just assumed i was a slacker. if even one person really tried i could have done all of this years ago and not had to have suffered some of my worst experiences ever over my inability to focus!

i remember calling my mom in tears saying i think i have adhd i think thats why everything is happening the way it did, and she was like "...okay" and did nothing, and then, years later when i tell her yeah i got the appointment everythings in place she was like "pog!!! im so proud of you i knew you could do it yourself. whenever my kids come to me with a problem i just let them handle it alone because theyre so smart xD"

and itslike. do you have any idea how BADLY i would have killed for any sort of help AT ALL. if someone had sat with me and just helped me make the doctors appointment i could have been over this years ago!!!

aaaaa!!! but i cant just act like i did this 100% by myself, i had a lot of friends emphasize with me and tell me about adhd so i could make sure i knew i had it, and a friend gave me the clinic i could go to for screening and another friend told me the effects pills would have on me, etc, ect. ive had a lot of help from people in my life,but in regards to my family they either didnt do shit or punished me for my condition. it makes me so upset to think about

BUT

the worst of it is over, i did the hardest part myself, theres no point in gettng all torn up abt the past all i can really do is look forward to may where i can actually live my life witha functioning fucking brain holy shit. i guess i can get excited for that in spite of everything

if u read this far have a kiss. mwah

[rosepetalkitty]

oh boy tw for family trauma 🫠

yeah no that's. damn.

my dad only ever hit me once, and he probably doesn't remember it, but i do. i never told anyone because i didn't want him to get in trouble — he was always the parent who was less of a threat.

that's the only physical thing that ever happened (thank god) but there was a lot of other shit and moving away to uni really helped me realize that.

my mom would sit on my bed behind me while i worked on homework and shout at me if it seemed like i was falling asleep. she would keep me up until 1am some nights, and when she was tired and angry in the morning she would tell everyone it was my fault no matter how much i tried to say that i wanted her to just go to bed, that i didn't want to keep her up, that i was tired too... that started at the beginning 9th grade (during quarantine) and lasted until the beginning of 11th.

before that, in middle school (i was 12) when i first got a phone, she told me one of the expectations was that i would give her the password and let her go through it. i did give her the password, but even at that age i didn't really trust her, so i used another app to put a second password on my home screen. if you put it in wrong it took a photo of you and emailed it to me.

a few weeks later she told me she wanted to go through it, and i told her that was fine, but because it was past my bedtime she wouldn't let me stay up and sit with her while she did. i asked if we could do it in the morning so that we could go through it together, and she said that was fine. guess who woke up to an enraged mother and an email with a picture of her face in the morning...

i brought that one up in therapy four years later in response to her telling the therapist she didn't know why i didn't trust her, and she interrupted me to say, and i quote, "that was so long ago that it doesn't matter anymore." she then turned to the therapist to tell her about how when i was in middle school i wouldn't let her go through my phone "to make sure i was safe", and that that was evidence that the trust issues were my fault. the therapist just looked at me like 😬 and quickly moved on to the next topic. my mom now refuses to acknowledge that she ever said that.

in high school my parents always kinda treated me like a toddler. i wasn't allowed to leave the house unless it was with them because they didn't trust public transportation and our neighborhood wasn't safe to walk out of (giant road all around the perimeter). i didn't get to take a bus until i was 16, and that was only to the mall a few minutes from my house. it took until i was 17 to be able to actually go and hang out with my friends without her supervision or that of another parent who she would expect updates from.

now that im in uni living on my own, she takes every opportunity she can to berate me about my ability to take care of myself. ive been living alone for three months now and have been perfectly fine, doing what i can to get decent nutrition on a college campus that makes it somewhat difficult, and she argued with me about whether it was "responsible" to get a hamburger when she brought me to shake shack while was home to visit for a weekend. "you probably only eat stuff like this, anyways, order something healthy!"

and honestly, speaking of that trip, y'know what really showed me how much less stress i've been under in uni? having a nice brunch at a fancy-ish restaurant that we used to go to with my grandparents when i was little and being low-key appalled when my parents parents started having a not-so-quiet back and forth in which my mom was saying "oh you just think everything i say is wrong, just tell everyone that, be honest, this is ridiculous" over the fact that my dad had asked "hey just to make sure we did mean to get two orders of potatoes, right? just want to check before the server comes back in case that's too much."

those arguments were normal to me a few months ago. and they wonder why i don't tell them things...

(also for context, it's one of those places where two or three small plates is enough for one person and you share stuff, so he was counting up what we were planning to order to make sure we got the right amount — the answer was yes, everyone in the family loves those potatoes, and the second my brother said that my dad was like "oh cool okay, anyways-" before being cut off again by my mom going nuclear over being interrupted by my brother)

and also, final footnote before i post this, there is so much more. this is like. not the worst of my childhood. plus im not including anything from before i was like 12 because i don't remember any of it besides a couple snippets, so there's that...

[blondie-bossgirl24]

I don't even know anymore... I try to help people and I always get bit in the ass. I tried helping my cousin when she remembered being molested by her cousin when she was little by telling a similar story forgetting that it involved her dad. This happened years ago not to mention! I thought I was helping her truly I was just a kid when I told her this. Now it's causing my parents not to be invited out with their mutual friends. My aunt just asked my mom to come over to talk about it. My uncle talked to my mom about it two months ago. Why did my aunt wait over two months to discuss it. I feel like crap for even saying it. My mom told me I should have kept their names out of it. But like I said I was just a kid. I literally only want to help people since Ive been through similar things when I was a kid as well with my brother and uncle. I'm so distraught about this and I wanna crawl in a hole and not come out until it blows over. My daughter is literally the only reason I'm not running to my room to cry like a baby. I hate this! Like I can't trust my cousin who knows what she told my aunt about me. I'm so scared.

[primroses-n-deadleaves]

i dont have anyone to talk to rn, not out of anything bad theyre just busy and also have their own issues and so on; its okay still it leaves me wondering what went wrong? i only have two ppl that i can rlly talk to like both socialize and also to the extremes of venting, i try to help them too but im not rlly good at it, and so, whenever theyre missing or busy, i feel very alone, which is funny becuz im quite fortunate to have a semi active group on discord with cool ppl but instead of trying to get rid of my loneliness ig i jus self isolate idek whats wrong with me now, all the bad stressful stuff passed, for now,, mom was angry cuz my room got infested with termites, she got rid of them and i was left with the task of cleaning the stain,; and i jus discovered theres more termites to my side that went unnoticed by mom and that are eating the table and chair,; she doenst know of that yet thou so i can handle but i havent, the weekend approaches which is when well be doing all of this, i could try to take care of it before saturday before she notices and gets even more angry at me but here i am writing instead.

i feel very useless, my car is still at the repair shop so i can go out and buy the insecticide i need to get rid of the termitees, its at the repair shop cuz i let it break,, when it broke i called mom and she was at work so she asked me if i had any friends that could come and help me, all my friends are little ppl on my phone stuck to the other side of screen,; she had to call her friend which i was lucky that he was available and came to help me i felt very alone and useless and without any friends theres only so much online friends can do and i dont blame them, im also an online friend to them and i cant rlly do much for them either; that said, i rlly want irl friends.... but those "friends" i, stupid highschool drama ruined all my friendships its been 4 years and im still suffering the consequences of it; and also i rlly miss them, even if they were shitty and used me i still miss them;; maybe if i had acted like nothing id probably still be used sure but maybe i wouldve had someone to call when my car broke down

also im unemployed, with a gambling addiction of all things,, ive been thinking of getting a cheaper addiction- well, cheaper in the long run, something like smoking, not drinking, drinking is a bit expensive and my family from dad's side has a history of alcoholism,, so smoking or vaping, ruin my lungs,, im pretty sure a pack of cigarettes is cheaper than putting 100 into gacha games; why not look for a job? great question, i have, maybe not hard enough but im a bit too depressed if u cant tell by the writing; ive also tried to do online job but its rlly taxing to do a lot of work making vids and such to see no profit and ik ik it comes with time but i dont have time i need money now the funniest part is that i tried to apply for military jobs yknow the army and even those have rejected me, yes im overweight according to bmi, thats all they needed to disqualify me,; so instead i spend my time leeching money of mom, i feel very guilty, im a horrible child,, i sobbed when i was getting my meds and it ended up costing 30 bucks to buy becuz i sent it to a damn walgreens instead of a local pharmacy that accepts my insurance, i lost my meds and i could get refill but itll end up costing until i change the location which i cant change until my next visit

i wanted to kill myself when mom told me i could be working rn and that she was right, i could be working rn but instead i was laying on the bed which isnt even mine becuz i sleep on my sisters room taht has ac

the feeling had dissipated for a moment, well, it left when i repressed my feelings, which writing about it makes me confront those feelings so the suicidal ideation is back; in moments like this i think about one certain episode of fairly odd parents, yknow the one where timmy sees how the world would be if he never existed and sees that everyone around him is doing better without him? i dont remember the ending, i just think about it and think im better off dead, literally, i bring no good to the world

if u happen to stumble upon this, dw, i have a strangely strong will to live, last time i rlly tried to kill myself and acted, i called the hotline, which took me to the hospital where i was fortunate its a good hospital and got treated nicely,; bottom line is, and i quite hate this part of myself, ill live,; this stupid survival instict is strong enough to keep me from dying, i rlly hope it wasnt , life honestly isnt worth living,, the world is a shit place

[i-like-strawb]

vent

you have been warned

okay, i genuinely feel like such a shitty person because i cant keep in touch with my friends over long distance, like i will forget to anwer then 3 hours later i dont know what to say so i just respond with "ok" and it makes me feel so bad

and then theres also the fact that whenever me and my ex bf broke up it was getting toxic like REALLY toxic he has screamed at my best friend multiple times and he freaked out cuz i didnt answer my phone for 1 hour (i was at a birthday party and i was talking about it so he knew) and hes just done some shit to me and my friends that i didnt like,

but anyways we were still friends....(for like 2 days) and near the time we broke up he had discovered he liked fem clothes (a femboy, and no i dont have anything against them, you do you as long as ur not hurting anyone) and whenever we broke it off i wasnt really thinking right at the time and he sent me stuff i didnt want to see (like him in a skirt saying "first time going out today!1!1!") and i didnt want to see it

so. i told him i didnt care and a day later he said "thanks for letting me know we arent friends" and i blocked him, on EVERYTHING, capcut? blocked. pinterest? blocked. iMessages? blocked. and i feel like such a bad person for doing that...he didnt deserve it and i got discord and im in a server with him and now i feel like i want to throw up all over again but whenever i first left him i felt really happy...

i tried forcing myself into a idgaf personality but that backfired. big time and now that i dont have a boyfriend ive just been keeping all of my emotions in (i kinda was before but not as bad y'know?) and now i dont know what to do about it so i just stay up until 3am everyday on my computer to forget it all

and my parents arent quite strict but overbearing...my dad has a weird habit of picking at what i eat and it makes me feel really bad and they also expect me to be the "perfect daughter" when i have told them i am trans and that i am struggling (when i came out my dad said "i am not respecting you" to my face. ouch.) and whenever they found out abt my sh they, instead of looking into the problem, threatened to take everything from me

and they have always put the pressure on with school. i feel like i must be perfect or else i wont have freedom, and my dad is unnecissarily (?) loud, like ive asked him to tone it down and says "NOPE" every single time and it makes my head hurt (it also doesnt help that i have noise sensitivity issues) and he just denies everything and it hurts so much....

one day ill be able to get along with him just fine, the next day im looking at a pair of scissors a little too much because of him and i dont know what i can do anymore and my mom laughed in my face when i said i thought i was autistic and whenever i was at a really low point to suggest being put in a mental hospital

and what sucks is that i never realized most of my habits were weird until my ex pointed them out (ex: i have a really bad stutter). and ever since the moment i went to school im always in some kind of toxic relationship and i never realized that until a month ago

and with the staying up till 3? oh yeah real good. im tired and anxious 24/7 i feel like shit, and i dont want to say this to anybody because i dont want to bother them and i feel like they dont and wont care about it, just like some of my hyperfixations, like i will genuinely be excited about something and i tell it to someone and they couldnt give two fucks. again. ouch

and also i get yelled at because im very socially awkward and i cant really express some feelings outwardly, like i really love your present but i dont know how to express it so i need a minute to figure it out and then i get yelled at or the "you are so ungreatful" speech and nobody bothers to try and understand

and then there is how much i loathe myself, i hate that i was born like this, i hate how easy it is for me to get acne, i hate my nose and my mouth, my face shape, my body shape, my smile, my high voice, my femme looking features, i hate the fact i was born as a girl, i hate it all so much, the only thing i love is my hair color and eyes those are the only two pretty things about me

and i hate my personality so much too, i cant describe it but i hate myself a lot and the only comfort im able to get are my stuffies, the internet and a blanket fort where i can escape from everything and the terrible headaches i get, im so tired

i also have big anxiety issues, i overthink a lot even a "hi how are you" is too much for me like what if they find it weird, wait what if they dont like me, am i being too much and its a lot of thoughts to handle all at one time and i havent been able to regress lately (6 months) and that is the only way i really know how to cope

and what i mean by havent been able to is that i dont have a lot of stuff, ive been too tired to and i dont have a cg/somebody i think that actually cares enough and since im almost done with middle school im kinda scared, i dont know why but i am

bottom line, i feel like a shit person and that i have let everybody down, i desperately need sleep, and i have a shit ton of repressed feelings/emotions and they are all resurfacing and i cannot handle it, sorry for bothering you all and have a good day/night :)