#fear of vulnerability

[myun-saidthoughts]

But once the feeling passes, I question "was this feeling ever real?" When it fades, so does the importance it once held:

What is internal emotional permeance and emotional object constancy? (Disorganized attachment style edition)

Individuals with a disorganized attachment style or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often struggle with these concepts, but in this post, I’ll focus on a different manifestation of these patterns. Instead of seeking constant verbal reassurance or relying on continual acts of love to confirm that someone cares for you, I’m exploring how this dynamic unfolds internally. It's about the emotional barrier between you and your mind—where you can only care about or desire something or someone if that feeling is constant and always present. This habit can influence your emotional responses toward yourself and others; it may even bleed into your way of thinking and how you process emotions, on some days you might even experience moments of despair or hopelessness, but once the intensity of those feelings fades, so does their significance. In those intense moments, nothing else feels real, and no words or actions can alleviate them. But once the feeling subsides, the desire to understand it further also dissipates. This can cause a sense of disconnection from your own emotional experiences, leading you to question their validity or reality. When the emotional intensity drops, there's a difficulty in maintaining a "mental representation" of that feeling. This leaves you with a sense of emptiness or confusion, as if the emotion evaporated or never mattered to begin with. If your emotions can feel so real one moment and vanish the next, it's hard to believe in their authenticity, which feeds into a fear of abandonment. If you can't trust your own feelings, it's natural to worry if what you are feeling is real or true. This uncertainty makes it challenging to desire or pursue romantic connections, even though there's a part of you that longs for them.

When you struggle with this, it's not just about needing reassurance from others-it's about needing reassurance from yourself that your feelings are valid, even when they change.

In essence, it's the inability to feel something unless it completely consumes you. Subconsciously, you don’t allow yourself to want, care, or love another unless the emotion fills every part of your being. You start to question, doubt, and dismiss any thought or feeling once it fades. You may find yourself questioning your authentic feelings toward someone because "you can’t feel it anymore." The overwhelming emotion is no longer occupying your mind or causing that deep sense of longing, leading you to wonder if it ever truly existed.

It's when you meet someone new and don’t feel an instant spark or longing, you may dismiss them altogether. You tell yourself, "He can't be important—there's no immediate desire, so I can never truly want him. If he leaves now, no part of me will care." Instead of letting them in, you list every reason why they won’t fulfill your unspoken needs, and the cycle continues.

Then, when you do find yourself drawn to someone—when they check every irrational box on your list—the feeling suddenly vanishes one day. You ask yourself, "Do I even want him anymore? Why don’t I care as much as I did before? And why does it feel like I’m no longer attracted to him?" Any sense of permanence or consistency with them withers away, leaving you stuck in a state of stagnation and detachment. You think, "These feelings aren’t consuming me anymore, which must mean he was never important. If he were, my emotions would remain constant, and I wouldn’t be questioning my desire for him."

It’s the same when you listen to a song that stirs something deep within you—a hopeless emotion that lingers in the back of your mind. In those moments, all you feel is intensity lurking in the shadows. But once the song ends, so do the emotions it brought.

It’s like sitting on your bed, the weight of the world pressing down on your shoulders. In that moment, you feel nothing but despair, as if there’s no purpose, no meaning, no desire to continue. The heaviness is real, present. But when it eventually passes, as all feelings do, you can’t grasp it again.

You dismiss those feelings, telling yourself, "I feel okay now." The weight is gone, so you question whether you ever truly felt it at all. If an emotion can fade, you convince yourself it was never significant to begin with.

And so, the cycle continues.

You tell yourself that feelings must be constant in order to be real. "I have to always feel this way," you insist, "and if I don’t, then the feelings were never meaningful."

These habits quietly build walls around you, creating emotional barriers that prevent you from desiring someone—or something—deeply again. But allowing emotions to consume you isn’t realistic or healthy. Instead, your mind constructs defenses that hinder your ability to genuinely care, often rooted in past wounds and a lack of self-trust. You find reasons why a person isn’t right for you or downplay your emotions once they start to fade. Yet, this only distances you further from what you truly crave: connection.

At some point, your trust was broken. The love you gave went unrecognized. The safety and care you longed for never arrived. To protect yourself from pain, you’ve learned to see emotions in black and white. If a feeling isn’t always present, you assume it was never real.

Now, without realizing it, you move through life with a mindset designed to keep you "safe." But this self-protection creates a deep internal distance. You long for partnership and security in another’s presence, yet something always seems to stall the connection from forming. You search for a soul who can bring you the ease you’ve never known, yet even when you find someone who offers it, something within you resists. If you don’t recognize these subconscious patterns—the ways you undermine yourself—how can you ever break free?

As humans, we long for love and connection. We seek bonds that provide security, warmth, and belonging. Though certain emotions may seem fleeting, they never truly disappear. Instead, your mind tells you, "It’s time to let this go." But in reality, the feeling doesn’t vanish—it simply fades from conscious awareness. The question remains: how can emotions that once consumed you seem to dissolve so completely? Whether in longing for love or battling internal turmoil, if the feeling came once, it will come again.

This is especially true for those who struggle to find a partner. You seek connections that won’t leave you questioning. You search for eyes that whisper, "You won’t lose feelings for me." This is a self-protection tactic—your body’s way of shielding you from the fear of caring for someone who might ultimately leave. You worry that the person you choose won’t choose you in return. So, you set impossible expectations for yourself, thinking, "If they can meet these standards, then I’ll feel safe choosing them. If they can withstand my emotional shifts, they must be significant."

Accept your desire for connection. Acknowledge that part of you longs to be held. It’s okay to care for someone, even if your feelings fluctuate in the beginning.

Connections are meant to be built—they take time. You can’t expect to instantly know someone, especially if their presence alone is your only reassurance of safety. Trust their actions. Trust your gut. You may crave a love so deep that no one else can recognize it, but the expectation of constant yearning only distances you from those already choosing you. If you question your feelings for someone, acknowledge the emotions, but also examine their roots.

Where is the hesitation coming from? Is it fear? Is it past abandonment? Is it because the person you once chose ended up choosing another? Is it because your mother never loved you the way you needed? Is it because your father withdrew when you needed him most? Is it because your emotional needs were never acknowledged? If so, recognize that those past wounds triggered a defense—a switch inside you that tells you to run before it’s too late.

Healing is not linear, and it won’t happen overnight. The first step is awareness—recognizing that part of you is still operating from fear.

You are not alone, and you are not broken. You can change. Your soul is asking to be seen. Grant yourself the grace and validation you seek; that is where healing begins.

[teine-mallaichte]

A-Z of fear of vulnerability prompts:

A. Admittance

B. Betrayal

C. Closed Off

D. Distrust

E. Emotional Armor

F. Fear of Rejection

G. Guarded Heart

H. Hurt Before

I. Insecurity

J. Judgment

K. Keeping Distance

L. Loneliness

M. Masks

N. Not Good Enough

O. Overcompensation

P. Pretense

Q. Quiet Suffering

R. Reticence

S. Self-Protection

T. Trust Issues

U. Unresolved Trauma

V. Vicious Cycle

W. Withdrawal

X. Xenial

Y. Yearning for Connection

Z. Zero Trust

[kuronekochantomidorime]

Me trying to ask for emotional support or affection:

"Would you mind uh being extra nice to me just a little bit if it is not a bother no actually never mind it's fine sorry I'll just kill myself 🙂"

[bard-of-beasts]

I’m so afraid of being in love again

[nekomimithoughts]

Me: I have really slutty and shameful thoughts. Downright dirty. You can't say that out loud without blushing. Degrading shit.

The thought: i wamt... kissie. Pls

[ace-of-deer]

Currently have a callus on my toe and am favoring one foot because of that. Thought about how in the wild I’d be targeted by predators for that, so I tried to walk on it normally to see if I could hide it if I had needed to. Apparently, I am Louis from Beastars. This reminded me of when a friend of mine told me that she admires the way I hold myself. I was surprised, for I have always seen myself more like a deer, or a squirrel perhaps, quick to startle, always sniffing the air and testing the ground, afraid of its own shadow and never sure if its next steps will be its last. Perhaps my friend has misjudged me, as she is somehow much shorter than even I, and thus, everyone must look imposing to her.

Or perhaps what my friend sees is real. That doesn’t necessarily mean I am wrong about myself. For a confident appearance can often be nothing but a mask, an overcompensation for hidden insecurity.

Either way, I wish I had told her that perhaps I hold myself with this confidence that she apparently sees in me because I actually lack confidence. My composure is a bluff: the best method of victory; if you can persuade the other side that you are not worth the trouble of fighting at all, you will lose nothing. Conversely, the elk that limps is always the first to die.

[slut4poets]

Your fear of vulnerability is killing opportunities!

[howifeltabouthim]

She knew what would sell, or stir controversy, and she gave into the ease of receiving that attention—which she pretended to despise but of course was obsessed with—rather than accept the pain of making something sincerely, then being misunderstood or ignored.

Catherine Lacey, from Biography of X

[cosmicasey]

the tempest

the dark clouds of fear gather in the depths of my heart, heavy with the anticipation of his apology. there's a tempest of emotions swirling within, making me shudder at the thought of allowing him back into my life once more. in moments of solitude, i wrestle with the possibility of caving in under the persuasive power of heartfelt words – words that hold the potential to undo and blur those steadfast boundaries i've built so painstakingly. the uncertainty gnaws at me incessantly, leaving me taut on a tightrope stretched between forgiveness and self-protection, haunted by the silent whispers of vulnerability echoing through my turbulent heart. the cold tendrils of fear snake through me, a chilling reminder of past heartache and painful vulnerability. every nerve in my body seems to scream in protest, warning me of the potential devastation that lies ahead. i can feel the walls around my heart, the walls i carefully built over time, begin to quiver as though threatening to crumble. the very thought of exposing myself once more to the harrowing possibility of rejection, betrayal or loss leaves me gasping for breath, paralyzed by an overwhelming sense of dread and trepidation.

if he apologized and wanted to make amends, would i really refuse?

- tcg ☆

05.30.2023

[myun-saidthoughts]

Disorganized Attachment Style: What Happens When Someone Becomes "Consistent"

One thing no one talks about with a disorganized attachment style is the way your brain will automatically block and suppress feelings for someone once these feelings don't mirror the same pain you once felt growing up. Once they become somehow consistent for you, it can feel worse when they come to you because suddenly they don't fill your deepest void, and you'll ask yourself "do I still care?" "why am I not overly attached to this outcome anymore?" "I don't feel fear but I also don't feel this intense need for them, do I even want them?"

Struggling with a disorganized attachment style with abandonment issues creates this idea in your head where those questions causes deactivation and the desire for them, somehow vanishes.

The intense lows and highs that once persisted must always be there or the lack of will showcase a less desire for them.

Therefore a lack of fear = lack of interest.

You feel comfortable with the scarcity mindset, you feel comfortable with "'needing" someone, you feel comfortable with sitting in the uncertainty mindset with another, and so when you don't have that experience, there's a part of you that feels like they won't be able to give you the "fulfillment" feeling you think you always need in order to like someone.

The second they don't represent the self-belief that you are "not lovable," a part of you will flinch. You'll start to feel disgusted, sick, and even nauseous. This is the part of you that has never had the chance to look into someone's eyes with complete and utter trust; this is the part of you that hasn't held someone's hand with complete blissfulness and openness, and this is the part of you that hasn't looked into someone's soul without having fear being brewed in-between your bones.

The truth is, that "feeling" you are holding onto is just a "comfort zone" for you and this "comfort zone" keeps you from letting that one part of you that desires a true partner, out.

That feeling of not needing is something you're not familiar with, that feeling of being safe has been something you never had the chance to hold onto and so with it brings up the need of past patterns that you once subconsciously or consciously always held onto.

It's okay to not need someone, it's okay to not have this black or white mindset with other souls, and it's okay to just be okay in the moment and not have a constant rollercoaster of emotions embody you.

This "desire" you think you always need in order to feel emotionally safe is only because now it doesn't represent the home or care you received as a child.

You're comfortable with the highs and the lows so when someone you once felt you could lose no longer gives you that fear, somehow that need for them dissipates.

Now if you experience this, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you can't fall in love, it just means you now are experiencing love or care in a way that you feel is unsafe because it's the love you've never had the chance to hold onto.

It's okay to not need someone.

[higherunlearning]

Manhood Isn’t Toxic… It’s About How You Accessorize It!

A quick look at how we can choose to accessorize our masculinity in helpful versus harmful ways as guys.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: I study in a different country to where we live, so my family and I go months without seeing each other sometimes. But for some reason I never miss them. When I get back, they understandably are curious to know lots of stuff, but their questions make me feel uncomfortable, and it doesn’t have to do with the questions themselves. It seems that I don’t feel comfortable sharing myself with my family.

At this point my mom has even mentioned that she’s not sure she knows who I am anymore. Whenever she brings up the way our relationship has come to be, it makes me really sad as well. (Note: my close family is just my mom and grandma, I have an aunt and two cousins that are pretty close as well, and that’s it). It started being like this when I was 13 or 14, and it’s gotten worse and worse. It feels like I don’t love my family. Even though they’ve been endlessly kind to me.

13/14 is the same time I started to feel depressed, and until now Ive only had brief moments of alleviation, when Im distracted from it by socialising or doing a fun activity. I don’t know if one is the cause of the other, or if they have some common cause or are completely unrelated. Maybe the depression isn’t related, since I have great relationships with my friends, and I don’t see why the depression would discriminate between friends and family in terms of how I am with them. During university there were several times that I had nightmares involving my mom and her bad temper.

She was a strict parent but had reasonable boundaries but would explode sometimes and looking back those were emotionally torturous moments. She moved on from them really quickly and was able to make a joke and change conversation soon after, whereas I can’t do that. Maybe I haven’t been able to move on from any of them and this is the result. The nightmares probably mean I have some resentment, right? I feel I shouldn’t have any resentment because she really loves me and her goal is my happiness, and she has made the impossible possible for me.

On the other hand, perhaps her anger and my unconscious resentment is a completely separate issue, since my grandma is probably one of the most kind and selfless people and has never been bad to me, and yet I feel the same with her – I feel uncomfortable sharing myself, I get irritated by them too easily but try not to show anything. And reading this back makes me disgusted with myself. I feel uncomfortable talking to them, hugging them, even smiling at them. For some reason Im better with my aunt and cousins in this regard, but Im not at all like this with my friends.

Maybe Im so knee deep that I’m scared of my family’s happiness if I were to actually change my behaviour at this point. Recently my mom asked me whether I would tell her any secret/problem of mine. She wasn’t asking me to share one, just asking if I would. She said she never told her parents about her problems because she doesn’t get along with her dad, and her mom would just tend to dismiss her feelings, though with good intentions. My mom said she deeply hopes that I would share. I thought about it and concluded that I wouldn’t. Even though she’s the wisest person I know and would be the best at helping me with any problem, I wouldn’t, and I don’t know why. I didn’t tell her this because I don’t want to hurt her. Like I literally cannot remember the last time I smiled at her.

For 19 years I never once thought about my emotions or tried understanding them, I would just ignore them with other activities and they disappeared. Now with more and more problems coming in, and more serious problems, Im trying to teach myself how to be aware of and understand my emotions. I wish I had a good relationship with my mom and I don’t know how to fix it because I don’t know why it all went wrong.

I've been depressed without break for 5 years and with emotional problems all of a sudden appearing in the past half year I recently feel suicidal. Of course my mom knows none of it, and the one reason I haven’t done anything to myself is because she loves me a lot and she would blame herself for the rest of her life. So even my emergency exit is blocked off. What on earth is my issue? You owe me nothing. Thank you sincerely.

--------------------

When depression is serious enough to produce suicidal ideation, I very strongly recommend getting professional help. You seem to continually underplay the severity of the problem. Denial only makes the situation worse by allowing mental health problems to fester and worsen over time.

You say you aren't very in touch with your feelings and you tend to ignore them or brush them off. It's actually worse than that because you actively avoid and suppress negative feelings and emotions. Do you know what happens when you do that? You numb yourself and then also lose the ability to feel positive feelings and emotions. Depression is the absence of the positive, is it not? It sounds like one of the first things you need to do is improve your emotional intelligence, consult past posts and recommended books on the resources page.

If you don't mention your type, then my ability to help you is quite curtailed. One deeper reason people get depressed is they get stuck in a rut, existentially. Another way to put it is that they've stopped growing and maturing. I believe this is a relevant factor in your case because you are an adult but still think and behave like a child.

Only you know the reason why you mentally got stuck at the age of 13. For some people, something traumatic happens to them and they can't get past the pain of it, so it halts their growth. For some people, they experience repeated failures and become helpless or destructive, and their dysfunction halts their growth. For some people, it isn't any event that triggered them but a general resistance to change. They get stuck in one very narrow perspective and their mind completely closes to alternative possibilities. Each time the world sends them signs about how their way of seeing things is flawed/wrong, they close up more and more, and they eventually live life as though trapped in a cage of their own making.

Human beings have a natural inclination toward movement and progress - to learn, grow, and evolve. When you stop learning, you stop growing. You've been static for five years. Whatever the reason behind it, understand that resisting the natural inclination to realize your personal potential keeps your mind stuck in the past. The best way out is to make a conscious choice to drop the resistance and embrace the change that would take you to a better place in life.

As I mentioned in a previous post, there are many factors that may contribute to a negative attitude toward change, for example:

fear of loss (of something familiar/valuable)

fear of losing safety or stability

fear of losing control (and facing unpredictability)

fear of losing oneself, one’s identity, or one’s freedom

desiring the gains/benefits of unhealthy behavior

low self-esteem

toxic shame

fear of failure

fear of success

pessimism

unrealistic expectations

low frustration tolerance (fear of pain)

lack of resources for coping with the stress of change

lack of knowledge, skill, or competency (regarding how)

What many people don't understand is that the negative things in life are the secret doors to growth. When you avoid the things that trigger your emotional defense mechanisms and run from the situations that seriously challenge you to change your attitude/approach, you will feel bad about yourself. The longer you do it, the more self-esteem you lose, until you eventually feel worthless and, as you say, "disgusted" with yourself.

Negative feelings and emotions serve an important purpose in urging you forward in life, and the more you don't listen to them, the louder they get, until they eventually mutate into a full-blown mood disorder like anxiety or depression. The emotional system is part of your survival instinct as a human being. Negative feelings and emotions are there to prompt action. To fail to act is to fail to survive, to fail to live.

But when you're brave enough to face up to the things that make you uncomfortable, the process of meeting the challenge will reveal new aspects of yourself and you'll have more opportunities to learn about what it means to live life well. Do you care about your potential? Do you care about living life better? Or do you want to stay the same your whole life? You've tried the latter, how is it working out for you? When your life strategy isn't working, it's time for something new, is it not?

There is certainly a big difference between family and friends. Family relationships have far greater potential for intimacy and, on the flip side, far greater potential to hurt. The fact that you feel so conflicted about them reveals the depth of your care and love for them, yet you don't want to express any of it. Friends come and go throughout life, but familial love is a foundational aspect of your existence, a part of your identity. Denying it means denying an important part of yourself, like locking part of yourself away to wither and die. Until you confront this family conflict and reconcile your feelings about it, you'll keep feeling fragmented and stuck in life. Whether you decide to love them or leave them, commit to a decision so that you can finally get on with your life.

On the surface, this situation with your family likely indicates that you have a fear of vulnerability, but there could be other fears mixed in beneath it as well. You have yet to realize that confronting the fear and working through it allows you to learn how to be a more capable person and how to live your life better. Your life is in your hands. You are choosing to keep yourself closed off. You can choose to open the door at any time. Feeling fear, anxiety, or pain is not the end of the world. In fact, without opening yourself up to those negative feelings, you'll never truly understand what it means to experience positive feelings like happiness, fulfillment, and love.

[mossy-enigma]

Me when I come anywhere close to vulnerability: haha, feelings go brr. Did you know [insert fact about hyperfixation/special interest]

[feral-ballad]

Savannah Brown, from Closer Baby Closer; “Retroactive jealousy”

[Text ID: “Someday I’ll care for something / without wanting to close a door behind it.”]

[lucidloving]

David Foster Wallace // Marya Hornbacher, Waiting // Albert Camus, A Happy Death // Kai Cheng Thom, A Place Called No Homeland // Brené Brown, Dancing Greatly // @danielcalmdown // Anna White, Mended: Thoughts on Life, Love and Leaps of Faith // Marya Hornbacher, Waiting // Sleeping At Last—Neptune

[ciderjacks]

thinking again about how much trust he had to have in Laios to recommend his own daughter in case he dies