#fear of vulnerability

[myun-saidthoughts]

But once the feeling passes, I question "was this feeling ever real?" When it fades, so does the importance it once held:

What is internal emotional permeance and emotional object constancy? (Disorganized attachment style edition)

Individuals with a disorganized attachment style or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often struggle with these concepts, but in this post, I’ll focus on a different manifestation of these patterns. Instead of seeking constant verbal reassurance or relying on continual acts of love to confirm that someone cares for you, I’m exploring how this dynamic unfolds internally. It's about the emotional barrier between you and your mind—where you can only care about or desire something or someone if that feeling is constant and always present. This habit can influence your emotional responses toward yourself and others; it may even bleed into your way of thinking and how you process emotions, on some days you might even experience moments of despair or hopelessness, but once the intensity of those feelings fades, so does their significance. In those intense moments, nothing else feels real, and no words or actions can alleviate them. But once the feeling subsides, the desire to understand it further also dissipates. This can cause a sense of disconnection from your own emotional experiences, leading you to question their validity or reality. When the emotional intensity drops, there's a difficulty in maintaining a "mental representation" of that feeling. This leaves you with a sense of emptiness or confusion, as if the emotion evaporated or never mattered to begin with. If your emotions can feel so real one moment and vanish the next, it's hard to believe in their authenticity, which feeds into a fear of abandonment. If you can't trust your own feelings, it's natural to worry if what you are feeling is real or true. This uncertainty makes it challenging to desire or pursue romantic connections, even though there's a part of you that longs for them.

When you struggle with this, it's not just about needing reassurance from others-it's about needing reassurance from yourself that your feelings are valid, even when they change.

In essence, it's the inability to feel something unless it completely consumes you. Subconsciously, you don’t allow yourself to want, care, or love another unless the emotion fills every part of your being. You start to question, doubt, and dismiss any thought or feeling once it fades. You may find yourself questioning your authentic feelings toward someone because "you can’t feel it anymore." The overwhelming emotion is no longer occupying your mind or causing that deep sense of longing, leading you to wonder if it ever truly existed.

It's when you meet someone new and don’t feel an instant spark or longing, you may dismiss them altogether. You tell yourself, "He can't be important—there's no immediate desire, so I can never truly want him. If he leaves now, no part of me will care." Instead of letting them in, you list every reason why they won’t fulfill your unspoken needs, and the cycle continues.

Then, when you do find yourself drawn to someone—when they check every irrational box on your list—the feeling suddenly vanishes one day. You ask yourself, "Do I even want him anymore? Why don’t I care as much as I did before? And why does it feel like I’m no longer attracted to him?" Any sense of permanence or consistency with them withers away, leaving you stuck in a state of stagnation and detachment. You think, "These feelings aren’t consuming me anymore, which must mean he was never important. If he were, my emotions would remain constant, and I wouldn’t be questioning my desire for him."

It’s the same when you listen to a song that stirs something deep within you—a hopeless emotion that lingers in the back of your mind. In those moments, all you feel is intensity lurking in the shadows. But once the song ends, so do the emotions it brought.

It’s like sitting on your bed, the weight of the world pressing down on your shoulders. In that moment, you feel nothing but despair, as if there’s no purpose, no meaning, no desire to continue. The heaviness is real, present. But when it eventually passes, as all feelings do, you can’t grasp it again.

You dismiss those feelings, telling yourself, "I feel okay now." The weight is gone, so you question whether you ever truly felt it at all. If an emotion can fade, you convince yourself it was never significant to begin with.

And so, the cycle continues.

You tell yourself that feelings must be constant in order to be real. "I have to always feel this way," you insist, "and if I don’t, then the feelings were never meaningful."

These habits quietly build walls around you, creating emotional barriers that prevent you from desiring someone—or something—deeply again. But allowing emotions to consume you isn’t realistic or healthy. Instead, your mind constructs defenses that hinder your ability to genuinely care, often rooted in past wounds and a lack of self-trust. You find reasons why a person isn’t right for you or downplay your emotions once they start to fade. Yet, this only distances you further from what you truly crave: connection.

At some point, your trust was broken. The love you gave went unrecognized. The safety and care you longed for never arrived. To protect yourself from pain, you’ve learned to see emotions in black and white. If a feeling isn’t always present, you assume it was never real.

Now, without realizing it, you move through life with a mindset designed to keep you "safe." But this self-protection creates a deep internal distance. You long for partnership and security in another’s presence, yet something always seems to stall the connection from forming. You search for a soul who can bring you the ease you’ve never known, yet even when you find someone who offers it, something within you resists. If you don’t recognize these subconscious patterns—the ways you undermine yourself—how can you ever break free?

As humans, we long for love and connection. We seek bonds that provide security, warmth, and belonging. Though certain emotions may seem fleeting, they never truly disappear. Instead, your mind tells you, "It’s time to let this go." But in reality, the feeling doesn’t vanish—it simply fades from conscious awareness. The question remains: how can emotions that once consumed you seem to dissolve so completely? Whether in longing for love or battling internal turmoil, if the feeling came once, it will come again.

This is especially true for those who struggle to find a partner. You seek connections that won’t leave you questioning. You search for eyes that whisper, "You won’t lose feelings for me." This is a self-protection tactic—your body’s way of shielding you from the fear of caring for someone who might ultimately leave. You worry that the person you choose won’t choose you in return. So, you set impossible expectations for yourself, thinking, "If they can meet these standards, then I’ll feel safe choosing them. If they can withstand my emotional shifts, they must be significant."

Accept your desire for connection. Acknowledge that part of you longs to be held. It’s okay to care for someone, even if your feelings fluctuate in the beginning.

Connections are meant to be built—they take time. You can’t expect to instantly know someone, especially if their presence alone is your only reassurance of safety. Trust their actions. Trust your gut. You may crave a love so deep that no one else can recognize it, but the expectation of constant yearning only distances you from those already choosing you. If you question your feelings for someone, acknowledge the emotions, but also examine their roots.

Where is the hesitation coming from? Is it fear? Is it past abandonment? Is it because the person you once chose ended up choosing another? Is it because your mother never loved you the way you needed? Is it because your father withdrew when you needed him most? Is it because your emotional needs were never acknowledged? If so, recognize that those past wounds triggered a defense—a switch inside you that tells you to run before it’s too late.

Healing is not linear, and it won’t happen overnight. The first step is awareness—recognizing that part of you is still operating from fear.

You are not alone, and you are not broken. You can change. Your soul is asking to be seen. Grant yourself the grace and validation you seek; that is where healing begins.

[teine-mallaichte]

A-Z of fear of vulnerability prompts:

A. Admittance

B. Betrayal

C. Closed Off

D. Distrust

E. Emotional Armor

F. Fear of Rejection

G. Guarded Heart

H. Hurt Before

I. Insecurity

J. Judgment

K. Keeping Distance

L. Loneliness

M. Masks

N. Not Good Enough

O. Overcompensation

P. Pretense

Q. Quiet Suffering

R. Reticence

S. Self-Protection

T. Trust Issues

U. Unresolved Trauma

V. Vicious Cycle

W. Withdrawal

X. Xenial

Y. Yearning for Connection

Z. Zero Trust

[nekomimithoughts]

Me: I have really slutty and shameful thoughts. Downright dirty. You can't say that out loud without blushing. Degrading shit.

The thought: i wamt... kissie. Pls

[ace-of-deer]

The text is some of the tags of an old post, if this looks familiar.

[howifeltabouthim]

She knew what would sell, or stir controversy, and she gave into the ease of receiving that attention—which she pretended to despise but of course was obsessed with—rather than accept the pain of making something sincerely, then being misunderstood or ignored.

Catherine Lacey, from Biography of X

[cosmicasey]

the tempest

the dark clouds of fear gather in the depths of my heart, heavy with the anticipation of his apology. there's a tempest of emotions swirling within, making me shudder at the thought of allowing him back into my life once more. in moments of solitude, i wrestle with the possibility of caving in under the persuasive power of heartfelt words – words that hold the potential to undo and blur those steadfast boundaries i've built so painstakingly. the uncertainty gnaws at me incessantly, leaving me taut on a tightrope stretched between forgiveness and self-protection, haunted by the silent whispers of vulnerability echoing through my turbulent heart. the cold tendrils of fear snake through me, a chilling reminder of past heartache and painful vulnerability. every nerve in my body seems to scream in protest, warning me of the potential devastation that lies ahead. i can feel the walls around my heart, the walls i carefully built over time, begin to quiver as though threatening to crumble. the very thought of exposing myself once more to the harrowing possibility of rejection, betrayal or loss leaves me gasping for breath, paralyzed by an overwhelming sense of dread and trepidation.

if he apologized and wanted to make amends, would i really refuse?

- tcg ☆

05.30.2023

[myun-saidthoughts]

Disorganized Attachment Style: What Happens When Someone Becomes "Consistent"

One thing no one talks about with a disorganized attachment style is the way your brain will automatically block and suppress feelings for someone once these feelings don't mirror the same pain you once felt growing up. Once they become somehow consistent for you, it can feel worse when they come to you because suddenly they don't fill your deepest void, and you'll ask yourself "do I still care?" "why am I not overly attached to this outcome anymore?" "I don't feel fear but I also don't feel this intense need for them, do I even want them?"

Struggling with a disorganized attachment style with abandonment issues creates this idea in your head where those questions causes deactivation and the desire for them, somehow vanishes.

The intense lows and highs that once persisted must always be there or the lack of will showcase a less desire for them.

Therefore a lack of fear = lack of interest.

You feel comfortable with the scarcity mindset, you feel comfortable with "'needing" someone, you feel comfortable with sitting in the uncertainty mindset with another, and so when you don't have that experience, there's a part of you that feels like they won't be able to give you the "fulfillment" feeling you think you always need in order to like someone.

The second they don't represent the self-belief that you are "not lovable," a part of you will flinch. You'll start to feel disgusted, sick, and even nauseous. This is the part of you that has never had the chance to look into someone's eyes with complete and utter trust; this is the part of you that hasn't held someone's hand with complete blissfulness and openness, and this is the part of you that hasn't looked into someone's soul without having fear being brewed in-between your bones.

The truth is, that "feeling" you are holding onto is just a "comfort zone" for you and this "comfort zone" keeps you from letting that one part of you that desires a true partner, out.

That feeling of not needing is something you're not familiar with, that feeling of being safe has been something you never had the chance to hold onto and so with it brings up the need of past patterns that you once subconsciously or consciously always held onto.

It's okay to not need someone, it's okay to not have this black or white mindset with other souls, and it's okay to just be okay in the moment and not have a constant rollercoaster of emotions embody you.

This "desire" you think you always need in order to feel emotionally safe is only because now it doesn't represent the home or care you received as a child.

You're comfortable with the highs and the lows so when someone you once felt you could lose no longer gives you that fear, somehow that need for them dissipates.

Now if you experience this, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you can't fall in love, it just means you now are experiencing love or care in a way that you feel is unsafe because it's the love you've never had the chance to hold onto.

It's okay to not need someone.

[laurennmonei]

this year, i’m dedicating myself to moving through my fear of vulnerability.

being perceived is scary, but my authentic self deserves to be seen without a mask. 💌

[higherunlearning]

Manhood Isn’t Toxic… It’s About How You Accessorize It!

A quick look at how we can choose to accessorize our masculinity in helpful versus harmful ways as guys.

[feral-ballad]

Savannah Brown, from Closer Baby Closer; “Retroactive jealousy”

[Text ID: “Someday I’ll care for something / without wanting to close a door behind it.”]

[lucidloving]

David Foster Wallace // Marya Hornbacher, Waiting // Albert Camus, A Happy Death // Kai Cheng Thom, A Place Called No Homeland // Brené Brown, Dancing Greatly // @danielcalmdown // Anna White, Mended: Thoughts on Life, Love and Leaps of Faith // Marya Hornbacher, Waiting // Sleeping At Last—Neptune

[ciderjacks]

thinking again about how much trust he had to have in Laios to recommend his own daughter in case he dies

[mroddmod]

little scrapped comic bc it felt a bit ooc to me in hindsight

[fluffylord]

Look how far I went, for fear of losing you.

[myun-saidthoughts]

Disorganized Attachment Style:

it hurts to wish for a love my own soul is unable of carrying. my wish for romance are like waves, as the wish comes it never stays. my hidden wish to be held only bleeds out when i can't tell, this desire seeps so far into my bones that without that wish whispering in, i can't care to be held

[fioleespring]