#abandonedment wounds

[myun-saidthoughts]

Why 8H/12H/Plutonian Synastry Feels 'Karmic'

In most cases, when someone's inner planets fall in your 8th/12th houses or if someone's Pluto makes harsh aspects (conjunct, square, oppose) to your Sun, Moon, Rising, Mars or Venus; the energy you'll feel from them is intoxicating, it'll be all-consuming, its energy you deep down crave, and energy you don't have within, but wish you'd possessed.

When someone enters your life and they touch these parts of you, any voids your inner self has, disappears. When you're with them; a part of you will feel complete and any upheaval you have within somehow vanishes. Suddenly, the part of you that you avoid, hide, ignore or suppress feels at ease, they are the cushion your soul wishes for.

(This kind of energy is profoundly different when this is dealing with family relations, e.g., your mother's or father's inner planets fall in your 8H/12H and vice versa.)

This is karmic energy because with them you feel your best, but without them, you'll feel your worst. Their presence becomes this necessity that you'll always desire for, once they enter your energy field you'll always need a quick fix, they become this pacifier for your pain and you'll develop a scarcity mindset without them. You'll grow a need for them because without them you can't feel this "high." Without them, you only feel the fear of what it means to be open and vulnerable, without them, you only feel the fear of what it truly means to express suppressed emotions and without them you only feel the fear of letting someone in.

You're terrified of giving a part of yourself to another but with them, that part of you feels healed.

The intensity of this synastry will vary, but for those who are are influenced heavy by Pluto or have natal Scorpio placements with 8H/12H placements with the Moon/Sun making harsh aspects to Neptune/Pluto who may have deep paternal/past partnership wounds (e.g, an absent or un-nurturing parent/s, a chaotic or recluse kind of mother, a bipolar abusive father/past partner; it all depends), will feel this heavy. The absence of the worth you wish you felt from your parents or past partner has now brought this person (who touches the darkest and deepest parts within you) to you.

The fact of the matter is the same. This person came into your life to highlight these neglected needs of yours as a catalyst for you to transform, heal and become a more secure and stable individual.

In some cases, they become this false home in your eyes, a look from them will make you feel warm, and finally for once, you'll start to feel complete. You will feel like it's safe enough to fall for them because they'll make you feel secure within yourself, (the same feeling you wish you could hold onto) their touch will feel like a bandaid from the kind of love you've received from previous relationships/parents, so you'll accept it; even to your own detriment. You'll suddenly feel the care you've always wished you felt and that's why the thought of them leaving or the thought of them choosing someone else feels gut wrenching. They become this savior you deeply wish you had.

The reason this type of energy is so easy to become attached to yet feels so hard to let go is because it's energy that you crave, it pacifies (for the time being) your pain. They are an outside manifestation of what you wish to feel on your own. They're just a reflection of what's 'broken' in you, and it's easier to give your power away, than to give it to yourself.

To look at someone with fear of them leaving will only create situations and scenarios where your self worth is tested over and over again, you'll start to feel the same terror you felt as a child, the same terror you say you try to run from.

You know you will feel this intense loss without them, yet when they're looking into your eyes; that 'feeling' feels okay. That's why this synastry is so transformative and can be life-changing.

Within, there's a desire for someone to erase the hurt that was created by circumstances you couldn't control. And because of this, the universe has planted this individual to enter your life. Naturally the pain you've endured is hard to overcome or accept, only until you have too will the healing really begin, and this person is a catalyst for just that.

You have to choose yourself instead of someone else, and because of constant disappointment, hurt or abandonment you've experienced, that's terrifying.

How can you choose yourself or let yourself receive unconditional love? You're not familiar with that energy so it's feels foreign to you, yet when someone's Pluto make significant aspects to your inner planets or when someone's planets fall in your 8/12 houses, their language and words will feel native and fluent to you.

These questions are the exact reasons why you are experiencing this karmic situation.

Your soul knew what kind of circumstances you were going to deal with, and it wants you to heal. It wants you to accept that pain. The universe does not want you to sit in this pain, it wants you to succeed, accept and overcome any and all challenges that you've dealt with.

You're not alone in this, and you didn't come to this Earth to only experience the same never ending cycles.

This experience is only a pit-stop for you, at the end of it all you will reach your final enlightenment destination.

P.S:

This post is particularly for those who struggle with self-worth/self-love/confidence etc. 8th and 12th house synastry can be beautiful when both partners are healed and accepting of their harsh past. The depths of emotions you two can create together is unworldly and powerful. Therefore I do think 8H/12H can work but it would have to be with two profound open-minded and spiritual people. You both will have to want this in ways you've never could have imagined before. I'm also a Scorpio Moon and 12H native so this energy for me does feel more enticing, but to each their own and it really depends on the natal chart/individual itself.

Side Note: To balance the intensity these synastry aspects/overlays bring, taking on the opposite houses themes would bring more ease and create less intensity.

For example, dealing with 12H (Even Neptune) synastry, the opposite house is the 6H, the house of routine, daily life, mundane affairs, healthcare, helping others/giving etc etc. So if you take on new hobbies/activities by changing your daily routine with adding or taking away something, that will ease the fixation that 12H synastry brings. Often times with this synastry you will find yourself day dreaming or obsessing over someone you desire, you may have this innate need to be their savior or try and fix their wounds, so you will put yourself in situations where your priority is solely them. you could also fantasize and have an escapist attitude with them, (or the idea of them) they can be an escape for you or you might find yourself thinking about them a lot, repeating scenarios in your head or fantasizing about situations happening, or you might feel confused/hazy with where you stand with them so you constantly are thinking of them but keeping yourself busy is key with this synastry, and that will create more control within you.

For 8H/Pluto synastry, the opposite house is the 2H, the house of value, self esteem, possessions, finances and security etc. So to gain more control within, I would say find something that will bring value to you, something that enhances your self esteem. Something you can accomplish on your own or achieve/do that will bring you a higher sense of self. Because their eyes alone bring you that sense of value or sense of wholeness (you wish you felt on your own), focusing or harnessing your energy towards a deep creative project will ease that "need" for them (the planet person). Create something anything; writing, painting, or learn ways to make more income etc, this will bring you the sense of worthiness or value you crave for and these projects/creative outlets will ease the intensity. If you have many outlets that bring you the satisfaction that you yearn for (the sense of value that the 8H planet person brings you) there will be less of a need for them, and you won't develop a scarcity mindset because without them you still feel valuable, whole, and worthy.

I have an eBook, and with it has more precise definitions regarding the placements of the IC, Moon aspects, and the potential manifestations of each inner planet in the 8th or 12th house for individuals. As well as it provides information if the person you're connected to is a karmic connection, it has advice, insights and exact transits/synastry overlays to further understand the connection. You can find more information about it pinned on my page.

[ashherahh]

confessions of a scorpio moon

TW: SA, SH, themes of abuse and assault, neglect. Read at your own discretion.

This post does contain themes which are not suited to every audience.

You might wonder why I would create something like this. I am a firm believer that we can see everything we need in our birth chart. We can see our challenges as well as how we can overcome them.

What drew me to astrology was this overwhelming feeling that I needed to understand what was going on and I needed to make changes. I started to do the charts of myself and my family members and I saw trends. I saw similar placements. I noticed patterns.

This post does contain parts of my story, but please don't take it personally. I'm in no way saying that you will have the same experience as me because we might share the same Moon sign. Not at all.

All experiences are different because all birth charts are different.

This is my experience.

THE ASPECTS

Moon trine Sun -5° A

Moon trine Jupiter 7° S

Moon trine Uranus -9° S

Moon square Neptune 4° A

Moon trine North Node -3° A

Moon trine MC 8° S

THE SCORPIO MOON & THE STORY

There is a great connection between my emotions, my identity, and my purpose; yet all of this seems to be outdone by my tumultuous inner world. I feel as though a fog has fallen over me, and I live life through a haze.

Escapism is my oldest and bestest friend. I have learnt their trade since I was old enough to talk. It seemed to be the only thing that could keep me safe, forming a cocoon around me while my entire world collapsed.

When you're a child, your entire world is your parents. Mine was my mother. Seeing her succumb to a mental illness in an environment that didn't want to understand it and swept it under the rug, was absolutely harrowing. She never accepted the help she received because she never saw it as help, but rather as everyone trying to surpress the truth she saw.

My relationship with my mother is an absolute mess. It seems as though my maternal inheritance is both her blessings and curses. I look at her and it's like looking in a mirror. Will I become as mad as her? How can you call someone you barely know mother?

I lived under the same roof as her for 20 years but it was like we were on two different planets. How funny it is to have the same face as someone who is basically a stranger.

Yet, we are two sides of the same coin. Some days, I feel my life is an extension of hers, one which I might never escape. Hers an extension of her mother.

The Scorpio Moon is an inherited Moon sign in a sense. At times it is a byproduct of a culmination of turmoil in the ancestral line. It comes to end the cycle or it begins it. Unfortunately, that is life, everything has a start.

My grandmother has the same Sun and Moon placements as myself, and her story started with abandonedment. She was a child born because of sexual assault. Her mother had given her up for adoption. She stayed in that adoption centre until one day while travelling by train across the country, she too became a victim of assault.

She became pregnant because of this and she was forced to marry this man.

Years went by and my grandmother finally tracked down her mother, but she wanted nothing to do with my grandmother. So the wound festers and grows and consumes.

She tried to take her own life by jumping in front of a train. There were attempts after that but none were successful.

Then I am born, years later, her son's youngest child. The son she adored but cursed, giving him the same name as his father and trying to use him as some sort of compensation. I'm born and I look just like my mother, the woman who took her precious son from her.

She hated me.

She hated me even more when my grandfather assaulted me as well.

There's that saying: "The history book on the shelf is always repeating itself."

Sometimes I think about how she would've felt. Other times, I am reminded by how cynical life can be, to throw our pain back in our face in so many different ways.

As a Scorpio Moon, betrayal and abandonedment are the first knives in your back and the first ones you hold.

The cycle begins and the only way out is to understand and purge. Sometimes understanding comes through the act of doing and the sickening feeling thereafter that you are no better than others and so a great awakening begins.

Abandonedment and neglect are major trends as well. The maternal figure can physically abandon you or emotionally abandon you. They are also the ones who introduce you to your first betrayal.

If not that, the maternal figure uses their child to live life through them. Creating a strong tie that is often difficult to break because of the control exerted over them. The decision to do this is usually made young by the maternal figure once they recognise the potential latent in the child.

If the child has siblings, those siblings are often overlooked and ignored by the parents. It builds jealousy and hatred from their siblings towards them, which pushes them closer to their parents who seems to "understand" them best.

The pedestal is made of glass, and if you look down, you'll see the abyss. So, you hold you head up high and keep smiling.

It is scary to think of a different life for these individuals. Who are they if not who their parents has always told them they are?

Intensity doesn't have a name until a Scorpio Moon is older. Then it either becomes a taboo word the individual wants nothing to do with or it becomes everything they have been looking for. To fear or be feared.

To me, I never saw it as intensity. That just was me. The upbringing I had made me draw away from being intense in front of others. I saw intensity as insanity.

I kept up a good façade. I studied hard, I did my best to always be kind and helpful. To never argue, to never shout, to never share my true feelings. I was a pushover in a sense, for years. I never stood up for myself. Yet, always, when I was alone and in secret I was drawn to the darker parts of myself.

I felt like I was starving, and some days I still do.

As exhausting as it may be, having a Scorpio Moon is about death and rebirth, and the constant act of it. You would think something has ended, but years later you find yourself staring in the face of it again. It always comes back, it has to.

Nothing is ever really over until the memory of it dies.

[sleepycoffins-and-benhargreeves]

Redeeming Love: What scenes in the movie hit you especially hard. I think for me was when Angel purposely tired to commit Suicide by getting beaten to death. And that scene with Angel and her mom where her mom tells her she loves her and not to ever think like that. The scenes with Angel and her mom hit especially hard for me because it makes me think of me and my mom. Nothing bad happened to us thank goodness like Angel and her mom. But my mom was like Mae. She fell in love with a Married man. Who ended up abandoneding me and her and my brother. He told her lies and just moved on to the next girl. All while still being married.

Oh god, I can't even remember where I started crying and when I stopped crying... Well technically, after the movie ended I was still sniffling here and there because it affected me so much.

But scenes that did make me feel intense emotions were when she was with her mom. Oh, that one part where she tried to look good for her father and her father didn't even want to care about her. She was trying so hard to be loved by that man, for him to even give an inkling of his time to her. I remember how she heard her mother being beaten up by him and how she had to run away. In that moment, I felt a sort of kinship to that I guess. I think a lot of us are victims of cruel fathers. There was a time when my father did beat up my mother, but unlike Angel, I had to take care of my younger siblings as we were locked away in my room. I won't go into the nitty gritty details of that, but I know the feeling of being afraid at that young age and that scene aches me.

Gosh, there was also that scene where she escaped on a boat, though she made some good allies who worked with her, only for them to stab her behind the back, to beat her up, then steal from her. Like jfc, we're all in the same fucking boat here, we're all suffering my god, I fucking hated those two girls that fucked her up.

And are you also referring to that one scene where Magowan beat her up bloody and raped her? Like fucking hell, I remembered screaming and crying so fucking hard when that happened. That man deserved to fucking die as much as Duke and his lackey. Like, it kinda took Michael till that scene to really "save" Angel but jfc, it went up to that point. If he hadn't waited that long maybe Angel's fucking friends would still be alive.

That's also one of the few cruel things in this movie. Angel barely has friends. The only ones who could have really understood her were Lucky and Mai Ling from The Little Palace, then the girls who she was with at the school. The other girl who became Paul's wife, she would never understand her and the deepness of her pain. I know it ended up with her having a family and such, but the idea of just leaving it all behind, there's a wound there that she'll always have and there would be no one who could truly understand her in those moment.

[ask-the-friendly-ink-demon]

[title: Beware The Demon (Short Story)] (At first this was just an little thing showing the ink demon wandering about but eventually I decided that I should at least try and make an short story of the events in the studio in the au so yeah does this take place in any chapter? Up to ya but this does fill in some gaps between chapter 2 and 3 and it is told in two povs.) --- the ink demon, the being of ink. Every creature of the studio feared it as it made its rounds. It sneered when he heard the sounds of an door opening. He watched in the shadows as an familiar face showed around. It was his creator. Henry the demon was confused to why he came back after 30 years he stalked from the shadow as he observed Henry using the cutouts as his slight of eyes keeping an close eye on him there was times when he letter the old man alone times when not. When he saw that he was hanging about with that other faker he grew more and more mad. The first time he was created he and the other demon were in one single body. Until an accident happened that caused it to be separated from the other Demi. As it felt an burning pain in its body. When it awoke it saw the changes its body went through. He was taller than any other being in the studio. There was lines of ink on his face most like to try to keep his mouth from opening. It wasn't long being he realized that he too could transform. At times he and the other demon would get into fights haft of them earned both scars. But whatever gave the ink demon the limp was an mystery. It stalked through the ink as it followed the animator and fake across the halls after seemgly killing the prohet, the reason why when it appeared from behind him sammy though it was the fake ans slashed the ink demon's arm with his pocket knife... it resulted in the brutal death of sammy. It was growing tired of this little game of tag so it decided to show itself fully to the two as it waited for them at the ink pool and made its chase. It engaged in another fight with the faker but suprisally it was having trouble fighting with the limp. It felt an stinging pain as the animator fired 12 strange objects into its inky skin as the demon stumbled while wheezing in pain. It failed at catching it prey but that did not mean he would give up. It saw them again with the wolf as they were heading to what the angel called the safe room it hissed at the word angel mentioned in its mind. He and the Angel hated eachother guts and he would love nothing more than to kill the rotting witch himself but decided not to as he wanted to see what would happen In the end. He was the reason why haft of the Angel's face was corrupted. He decided to stop the trio from reaching the safe house. Due to the fact that the faker already used up its limitations it was very easy for him to try to snatch the animator but felt an sharp pain as the wolf slammed an rusty axe into the back as he snarled in pain and gave chase he felt the door slam on him as he roared and banged on it repeatedly eventually he gave up on trying to open the door and made his patrols to ease up his mind. Some times he would observe the tiro in curiously through one of the hidden cutouts in the safe room he chuckled to himself as he saw some moments that reminded himself of what he used to be. He called himself an alpha much like an leader of a wolf pack. Instead though he grumbled at he encounter the Angel again there was no fight between them but they were mad at eachother. he soon went off wanting nothing more to do with her. It wasn't long after than an few days later he heard the sounds of the safe room door opening he grinned and stalked the tiro from the inky shadows he chuckled as every noise made Henry, the faker, and Boris jump In fright. after an while he lost track of them aftering seeing the faker and old man leave the inkified room that held the demon path. curous to why he chose his path and not that blasted angel but he did'int care. he saw henry again in the more deeper parts and decided to put an scare up on him. the end result was an plunger being stuck to his face as he tried taking it off and gave the old man the finger and retreated back under into the ink the plunger coming off with it. after an while of hunting down the butcher gang clones and spying on the gang he then found the dead inky corpse of grant he grunted as he smelled the 'blessed' knife's curse on the creature and then an twisted idea began unfolding in it's mind. it dragged the corpse all the way back down and stopped when it heard footsteps he did'int notice henry hiding in the station when he shouted out "I kNoW yOuR ThErE AnGeL! sHoW yOuRsElF!!" he digged his claws into the corpse hard and pulled it out and limped off knowing that it'll come back alive as a mindless zombie like creature shortly. it was annoyed when it felt it's cutouts getting destroyed he roared while screaming "WhO kEePs BrEAkIng ThEsE!!!" after minutes of searching and growling he heard the sounds of the distressed faker having lost control again in his supposed most stable form getting an idea he snapped his fingers and walked off whistling the human and faker would be so busy fighting off the butcher gang that the angel's doors would be wide open for him to try and get her. he was suprised when he saw that nearly all of them were already taken down by the faker and the ink going into it's body. it growled as it's plan failed and decided that enough was enough. it followed them all the way down to the inky abyss level 14. there it began it's wait as it watched the wolf soon fell into an sleep 'good' it though to himself he did'int want to hurt boris. it stopped when it felt the ink hears being taken 'alice did'int need the hearts though...' then it came to him he and the faker both had problems when it came to stabitly as did alice but why did she need the hearts if he did'int know better she would be coming up with a plan to kill him he snorted "YeAh rIgHt tOoTs NoThInG cAn KILL mE" he said to himself but it has been an while since he ate maybe one of those ink hearts would'nt hurt. he growled when he saw henry already with 5 he fell into a rage and roared loudly alerting the faker, henry, and the supposed distracted projectionist (THIRD VIEW POV) henry and bendy quickly ran back into the maze trying to trick the ink demon but to no use it appeared from behind him and throw bendy away from henry as it turned slowly with hunger and roared at henry who fired at the ink demon repeatdly with the tommy gun but all it manage to do was make the demon stumble as it chased henry. the old man shoved an mircale station down at the demon causing the station to trap it's body as it tried grabbing henry and roared in anger as henry got an forced head start. it soon trapped henry as it walked closer and closer to him and then felt an sharp pain in it's head. henry slammed the axe on it and stabbed it's neck with sammy's pocket knife and kicked it away before shooting the unlimited tommy gun's bullets at the ink demon after shooting more than a hundrend 'bullets' the ink demon fell down seemgly 'dead' henry panted "m-maybe it finally ga-" he. was cut off with an sharp pain across his chest as he was slammed to the wall causing an crack in it as the ink demon got up weakly and pulled out the axe. ink oozing form the head wound as it snarled and thrown the axe out the maze to right where bendy saw it "HENRY!" he quickly tried getting into the room but it seemed that it would'nt budge. none noticed norman picking up the axe and inspecting it. the ink demon pulled out the pocket knife and glared at it and thrown it hitting henry's shoulder hard causing the old man to lose his balance "FiNaLLy... yOu WiLl PaY fOr aBAnDonEdiNG EVeryOne... eVeN mE! YOUR CREATION" the ink demon slowly limped towards the wounded man and then bendy crashed through the walls from behind henry and slammed into the ink demon shoving it back. the demon roared in fury at bendy who in his first form hissed and stood in a protective manner. the two then sized eachother off and henry could tell who had the size advantage. bendy despite having powers his form was not as tall as the ink demon's terriflying meancing 8 feet height as it growled the mere presence brings a shiver to their spines. henry tried with all his might to get the pocket knife out of his shoulder. causing him to bite his tonuge when he felt pain. bendy turned quickly but quickly hissed right back at the demon and swipe at it with his claws. the attempt did not scare the ink demon it was tired of this faker thinking it can beat him it was time to show him domiance. the ink demon came closer and closer to the two. bendy roared getting nervous. then suddenly the ink demon roared as it's head wound was hit yet again with the axe. The demon hissed and pulled it back out. The projectionist walked from behind blinding the ink demon for a few seconds as bendy slashed the demon's back. It growled and looked around and noticed Henry now aiming his weapon it was 3 against one. The demon growled and slammed the axe into the wall and slowly descended into the ink. Minutes ,after Boris woke up to see bendy and Henry coming back to the lift "woah what happened?" He asked the two "let's just say... We got to be more careful of avoiding that fake me" bendy said. Unaware that Henry lost the knife and one of the ink hearts the trio went back upwards while the ink demon grabbed the ink heart and the knife and went back to his quiet room in the more upper levels now done for the day. ---- welp. that happened

[myun-saidthoughts]

Disorganized Attachment Style: What Happens When Someone Becomes "Consistent"

One thing no one talks about with a disorganized attachment style is the way your brain will automatically block and suppress feelings for someone once these feelings don't mirror the same pain you once felt growing up. Once they become somehow consistent for you, it can feel worse when they come to you because suddenly they don't fill your deepest void, and you'll ask yourself "do I still care?" "why am I not overly attached to this outcome anymore?" "I don't feel fear but I also don't feel this intense need for them, do I even want them?"

Struggling with a disorganized attachment style with abandonment issues creates this idea in your head where those questions causes deactivation and the desire for them, somehow vanishes.

The intense lows and highs that once persisted must always be there or the lack of will showcase a less desire for them.

Therefore a lack of fear = lack of interest.

You feel comfortable with the scarcity mindset, you feel comfortable with "'needing" someone, you feel comfortable with sitting in the uncertainty mindset with another, and so when you don't have that experience, there's a part of you that feels like they won't be able to give you the "fulfillment" feeling you think you always need in order to like someone.

The second they don't represent the self-belief that you are "not lovable," a part of you will flinch. You'll start to feel disgusted, sick, and even nauseous. This is the part of you that has never had the chance to look into someone's eyes with complete and utter trust; this is the part of you that hasn't held someone's hand with complete blissfulness and openness, and this is the part of you that hasn't looked into someone's soul without having fear being brewed in-between your bones.

The truth is, that "feeling" you are holding onto is just a "comfort zone" for you and this "comfort zone" keeps you from letting that one part of you that desires a true partner, out.

That feeling of not needing is something you're not familiar with, that feeling of being safe has been something you never had the chance to hold onto and so with it brings up the need of past patterns that you once subconsciously or consciously always held onto.

It's okay to not need someone, it's okay to not have this black or white mindset with other souls, and it's okay to just be okay in the moment and not have a constant rollercoaster of emotions embody you.

This "desire" you think you always need in order to feel emotionally safe is only because now it doesn't represent the home or care you received as a child.

You're comfortable with the highs and the lows so when someone you once felt you could lose no longer gives you that fear, somehow that need for them dissipates.

Now if you experience this, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you can't fall in love, it just means you now are experiencing love or care in a way that you feel is unsafe because it's the love you've never had the chance to hold onto.

It's okay to not need someone.

[myun-saidthoughts]

But once the feeling passes, I question "was this feeling ever real?" When it fades, so does the importance it once held:

What is internal emotional permeance and emotional object constancy? (Disorganized attachment style edition)

Individuals with a disorganized attachment style or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often struggle with these concepts, but in this post, I’ll focus on a different manifestation of these patterns. Instead of seeking constant verbal reassurance or relying on continual acts of love to confirm that someone cares for you, I’m exploring how this dynamic unfolds internally. It's about the emotional barrier between you and your mind—where you can only care about or desire something or someone if that feeling is constant and always present. This habit can influence your emotional responses toward yourself and others; it may even bleed into your way of thinking and how you process emotions, on some days you might even experience moments of despair or hopelessness, but once the intensity of those feelings fades, so does their significance. In those intense moments, nothing else feels real, and no words or actions can alleviate them. But once the feeling subsides, the desire to understand it further also dissipates. This can cause a sense of disconnection from your own emotional experiences, leading you to question their validity or reality. When the emotional intensity drops, there's a difficulty in maintaining a "mental representation" of that feeling. This leaves you with a sense of emptiness or confusion, as if the emotion evaporated or never mattered to begin with. If your emotions can feel so real one moment and vanish the next, it's hard to believe in their authenticity, which feeds into a fear of abandonment. If you can't trust your own feelings, it's natural to worry if what you are feeling is real or true. This uncertainty makes it challenging to desire or pursue romantic connections, even though there's a part of you that longs for them.

When you struggle with this, it's not just about needing reassurance from others-it's about needing reassurance from yourself that your feelings are valid, even when they change.

In essence, it's the inability to feel something unless it completely consumes you. Subconsciously, you don’t allow yourself to want, care, or love another unless the emotion fills every part of your being. You start to question, doubt, and dismiss any thought or feeling once it fades. You may find yourself questioning your authentic feelings toward someone because "you can’t feel it anymore." The overwhelming emotion is no longer occupying your mind or causing that deep sense of longing, leading you to wonder if it ever truly existed.

It's when you meet someone new and there isn't a spark or an instant longing looming over you, you may dismiss it altogether. You tell yourself, "He can't be important; there is no instant desire, therefore I can never want him. If he leaves now, there won't be a part of me that cares." Instead of allowing them in, you enumerate every reason why this person won't fulfill your suppressed needs, and the cycle continues. It's when you do find yourself wanting another, they check every insane box on your list, and suddenly one day, the feeling just passes. You then ask yourself "I think I don't want him anymore? Why don't I care as much as I did before? And why does it feel like I'm no longer attracted to him?" Suddenly, any permanence or consistency you once felt with them withers away, leaving you stuck in a feeling of stagnancy and dislike. You think, "These feelings aren’t consuming me anymore, which means he won’t be an important person in my life. If he were, my feelings would remain constant and present, and I wouldn’t be questioning my desire for him."

It's when you’re listening to a song that stirs a hopeless emotion within you—suddenly, there's a resonance that lingers at the back of your mind, and for those moments, all you can feel is that intensity lurking in the shadows. But once the song ends, so do the emotions it brought.

It's like sitting on your bed, feeling the weight of the world pressing down on your shoulders. In that moment, you feel nothing but despair and hopelessness, as if there's no purpose, no meaning, no desire to continue. The heaviness feels so real, so present. But when that feeling eventually passes, as all feelings do, you can’t grasp it again.

You dismiss those feelings, telling yourself, "I feel okay now." The weight is gone, and so you question whether you truly felt it at all. If the feeling can pass, then so does the importance of it; now you question if it ever meant anything in the first place.

And the cycle continues.

You tell yourself that feelings must be constant in order for them to be real. "I have to always feel this way," you say, "and if I don't, then the feelings were never significant."

These habits quietly build barriers, creating emotional blocks and distance, preventing you from desiring someone or something deeply again. Allowing emotions to consume you isn't realistic or healthy. Instead, your brain may be constructing a barrier that hinders genuine care for others, often rooted in abandonment wounds and a lack of self-trust, You find reasons why this person isn’t right for you or downplay the significance of your feelings once they start to fade. However, this habit only serves to keep you at a distance, preventing you from truly validating your own emotions. As a result, you end up trapped in a cycle that you long to break free from.

At some point in your life, there was a moment when the trust you extended to another was broken, the love you offered went unrecognized, and the safety and care you longed for never arrived. To protect yourself, especially with the deep emotions that naturally arise within you, you’ve begun to view romantic connections and feelings in a black-and-white lens. If you can’t always feel something, you conclude that the emotion isn't permanent and, therefore, not real.

Now, without even realizing it, you navigate through life with a lens designed to keep you "safe." However, this approach creates distance within yourself. You yearn for a partnership and want to feel secure in someone else’s presence, but despite your efforts, something continually stalls the connection from forming. You experience moments of longing for a soul who can provide the ease you’ve never felt. And in some other cases, even when you find someone who brings you the sense of wholeness you've desired, something always seems to block your progress. If you're unaware of these subconscious patterns and unable to recognize the self-undermining behaviors you cling to, how can you ever break free from them?

As humans, we inherently long for, wish for, and seek to hold onto loving connections that provide us with a sense of security and love. This is a fundamental aspect of our nature. Although certain moments may seem fleeting, these feelings never truly vanish. Instead, something in your mind tells you, "It's time to let that part of you go." Yet, in reality, that feeling doesn’t disappear; it merely fades from your conscious awareness. The question remains: how can the same emotions persist? Whether it’s through desiring a partner or dealing with internal emotional turmoil that leaves you feeling hopeless, if the feeling came once, the feeling will come again. 

This is especially true for those who seem to struggle with finding a partner. You may search for connections that won't ever leave you wondering or questioning, you search for eyes that whisper to you "you won't lose feelings for me." This is a self protection tactic that your body searches for because of the fear that comes within when it comes to allowing yourself to want another. Your body is afraid to care for someone who might ultimately leave. You worry that the person you choose may not choose you in return. As a result, you set impossible expectations for yourself in your quest for a partner. You think, “If they can meet these impossible standards, then I’ll feel safe choosing them.” If they can last through your emotional turmoil or confusion, then they “must” be significant and “must” be someone meant to be in your life.

Accept your desire for connection. Acknowledge that there is a part of you longing to be held by someone else. It’s okay to allow yourself to care and want another, even if those feelings don’t always remain constant in the beginning.

Connections are meant to be built; they should happen naturally over time. You can’t expect yourself to automatically know someone, especially if their eyes are the only reassurance telling you, “You’re safe.” Trust their actions, and trust your gut. I understand you may long for a deep love that no one else can recognize or even become accustomed to; but often, this expectation of always yearning keeps you at a distance from choosing someone who is already choosing you. If the person you’ve allowed yourself to love causes you to question your feelings, acknowledge those emotions, but also reevaluate their origins.

Consider where these hesitations are stemming from. Is it your subconscious? Is it your fears? Is it because, once upon a time, the person you chose ended up choosing another? Is it because your mother never cared for you in the way your soul wished for? Is it because your father abandoned you emotionally in times of need? Is it because your emotional needs were never acknowledged or met? If so, then understand that those lost feelings activated a switch within you—a switch that tells you to run before it's too late.

Healing is not a straightforward journey, and it won't happen overnight. The first step in overcoming these patterns is to acknowledge them and recognize that there is a part of you still operating from a place of fear.

You are not alone, and there is a way out of these self-undermining patterns. You are capable of change, and your soul is asking for acknowledgment. Grant yourself the grace and validation you seek; it is the first step toward healing.

[myun-saidthoughts]

Karma's Love Web

Hi everyone, I am writing a PDF Booklet Guide about 8th and 12th house synastry, if anyone would be interested in purchasing this booklet please let me know!

Book Description: "Karma’s Love Web" reveals how each person we encounter is purposefully intertwined with our existence, triggering the deepest aspects of our being. This book will describe how transformative each connection can be, while shedding light on personal trauma and how that can trigger unwanted patterns when it comes to love. This book will illuminate the essence of karmic relationships and the evolution of the human spirit as we progress through these karmic lessons that keep repeating. 

This book explores the psychology and importance of 8th and 12th house synastry, Angles/Vertex synastry, South Node/North Node/Saturn synastry, and karmic/soulmate relationships. It is also an interactive guide for you to use for your natal chart, and you can apply it to yourself and others. This book offers guidance when dealing with intense karmic synastry and provides an immense amount of information on how to find if the person you’re involved with share a karmic connection.

Would anyone be interested?

Table of Contents would include:

“Shadows of Obsession”  

Part I: The Impact of Your Natal Chart: Synastry Intensity

Part II: Exploring the Effects of Synastry on Your Relationship

Part III: The Influence of Parental Relationships in Synastry

Part IV: Decoding the Distinctions: 8th and 12th House Synastry

Part V: Unveiling the Secrets: Understanding 12th House Synastry

Part VI: Small Excerpt 8H Synastry, How The House Person Feels When They're Plutonian

Part VII: Delving into the Depths: 8th House Synastry

Part VIII: A Deeper Understanding of 8th House or Harsh Pluto Synastry, and Why You Can’t Let Go

Part IX: “I Still Miss Them,” Advice For You

"Specific Destiny”

Part I: Unveiling the Vertex: Exploring Its Significance in Birth Charts and Relationships

Part II: Seeking Fated Encounters: Utilizing the Vertex for Destined Connections

Part III: Vertex Synastry: Unveiling its Unique Impact on the Four Angles

Part IV: Unraveling the Rarity and Emotional Essence of Vertex Synastry

“Whispers of Past Lives"

Part I: Saturn and Nodal Synastry: Exploring Karmic Connections from Past Lives 

Part II:  The Karmic Tapestry of Love: Insights into Romantic Synastry

Part III: Asteroid Insights: Chiron, Juno, and the Nodes of Destiny in Synastry

Part IV: Manifestations of Saturn and Nodal Synastry in Individual Lives

Part V: The Relationship Journey: Embracing Growth and Transformation by Resolving Karmic Ties

“The Different Lovers”

Part I: Unraveling the Depths: Understanding Karmic Relationships and the Intensity Within

Part II: Soulmate Connections Unveiled: Experiencing Instant Recognition and Deep Connection with a Single Glance

"Journey's End: Embracing the Wisdom of Karmic Astrology"

Part I: The Astrologer's Secret and Embracing Change

Total Pages: 113 Full Written Pages DM IF INTERESTED eBOOK IS NOW AVAILABLE: