#ive never felt more isolated in my life

[privatelyownedsilicagel]

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[hella1975]

by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn

[qumiiiquinnquin]

my art will never be good enough !

[cummetal]

.

[wishful-seeker]

Tips on how to avoid being unintentionally ableist

1. When a disabled person says they cannot do something, and you wish to offer solutions, do not make a solution that involves them powering through pain, or something thats not accessible to the disabled.

Example:

Disabled person: "washing dishes hurts too much and i cannot do it."

Abled person: "what if you did one dish at a time throughout the day?"

This statement is not respecting that this disabled person just said they "can't". Always respect that. No matter how simple the task would be for you.

Disabled person:" i think ill use plastic silverware so i don't make dishes."

Abled person: "plastic is bad for the environment!"

This statement shuts down the most accessible and disabled friendly option that this disabled person can actually do because of the abled persons personal beliefs. This is not helpful, and ableist.

Better yet, instead of offering solutions, ask them directly "is there anything you need that you do not have that would help you do this?" This allows the disabled person to think about what would work, and they will always have a better idea of what would work than you do.

To add on to this, when we say we have no more energy to solve a problem or do a task, or change our lifestyle, we mean it.

2. If you feel discomfort when a disabled person is talking about their health, good and bad, that is ableist. Your discomfort is coming from a place that deams disabled peoples very existence as a bad thing and you need to fix that.

For example:

Disabled person:" this week has been rough pain wise, ive been through a lot, felt like my body was on fire. Lucky i got new meds though and i think they're helping!"

Abled person: "can we talk about something else, this is a bummer."

Disabled people should be able to exist freely without worrying about your personal comfort. Do you really think its appropriate to tell someone in constant pain that their life is making YOU uncomfortable?

3. Do not treat disabled people as tragedies, do not romanticize their old life or put their current one down.

For example:

Disabled person: "yeah my life is pretty difficult sometimes, ive lost a lot but i still have happy moments."

Abled person: "it makes me so sad to see what disabled people go through :(. You used to love rock climbing and running, i would love to see you move around more again."

This statement is putting more value on the disabled persons abled past, and ignoring their life as a whole.

4. Do not avoid speaking to disabled people because it hurts to see your loved one disabled.

For example: my grandmother avoids conversations with me because it hurts her to see me in pain. While she has good intentions it leaves me being unable to be close to her. This is very isolating to the disabled.

5. Do not stop inviting your disabled friend/loved one out even if they are never well enough to attend. Unless we specifically ask you to stop asking if we can go out, good chances are we want to know you still care because again, disability is very isolating.

6. When a disabled person says certain things in their health have gotten better or worse, do not challenge this because you don't see a difference.

For example:

Disabled person: "yeah things are getting a little better"

Abled person sees disabled person using their wheelchair like usual: "i thought you said you were getting better?"

Better and worse are usually small changes only the disabled experience, its not like abled people healing from a broken arm. Better to a disabled person could mean they can stand for 10 more minutes.

7. Do not expect disabled people to ever be abled again, and again, do not put more value on an abled life.

For example:

Disabled person:"I have been using a wheelchair for 2 years."

Abled person: "oh you're young, im sure you'll be walking around in no time!"

This statement invalidates and ignores the disabled persons current life by hoping they get a more abled bodied life. Its fine to hope disabled people get better, but you don't get to decide what better looks like.

Hope this helps, stay punk.

[yusuke-ish]

.

i keep wondering if ill ever open up to romance again

[zombiigrll]

LONELY ⋆｡°✩ carl grimes x reader .ᐟ WORD COUNT .ᐟ ⭑ 1061 ꩜ .ᐟ WARNINGS ⭑ angst to fluff, swearing, depressed/traumatized reader, reader is glenn and maggies adoptive child, intended lowercase, the walking dead 7x1 spoilers, death mentions, lack of eating, suicidal thoughts, use of y/n .ᐟ A/N .ᐟ ⭑ hi! this is my first time writing and posting anything on tumblr so im sorry if its not the best </3 ive never really done oneshots before either so i dont really know what im doing LMAO hope you still enjoy!

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it was supposed to be an easy run. get maggie to the hilltop and get her help, that's all it was supposed to be. but, of course, nothing could ever be that easy. not for you. the last thing you expected to see, however, was your father-figure getting his skull beaten in, and almost having to witness your boyfriend getting his arm chopped off. you were distressed. you couldn't function properly. you had already lost your family once before at the beginning of the outbreak, and all of those same feelings came back after losing glenn. he had been there for you since the start, saving you from dying with your family. and now he was gone and there was nothing you could do.

you had fallen into a deep depression, similar to the one you had before. you locked yourself in your room, not eating, not drinking, occasionally getting up to use the restroom, but other than that, you were bedridden. you hadn't even changed your clothes from that night. the clothes that were stained in glenns blood. hell, even his blood remained dried across your face. you felt as lonely as ever, but at the same time, you knew you weren't. because every single day you heard knocks at your door. it was carl.

"y/n, please. just open the door. i can help you." he desperately spoke from the other side of the door.

you felt like shit for making him continue to come to your door everyday just for you to stubbornly remain in your room, but it felt like nothing mattered anyways. eventually, he'd give up, right? that's what you thought. "go away." you mumbled just loud enough for him to hear. "just open the door. please." he begged again. he understood your struggles. he was aware of why you were acting this way, and he couldn't blame you. he knew how it felt to lose family members and people close to him. unfortunately enough for him, you stayed where you were, not opening the door for him yet again. but after almost a week had passed, he began getting more worried. he begged at your door for you to open it, he tried opening it himself but you had locked the door, blocking it as well so no one could enter. you didn't care. you were isolating yourself, barely sleeping. the only times you slept were when you cried so hard you fell asleep. you felt miserable. you were giving up on everything, hoping one day it'd all just end and you wouldn't have to worry anymore. you wouldn't have to worry about anyone else dying, because you'd be with them. no more funerals, no more fighting for your life... you laid awake on your bed, tears silently falling from your eyes as you stared blankly at your ceiling, those terrible thoughts swirling through your brain. but this night was different. you had opened your window, which carl took as the perfect opportunity. he was tired of not being able to help you due to your stubbornness, so he decided to crawl through your window. *thump!*

you quickly jolted up at the sound, staring at carl who was slowly sitting back up after not-so-gracefully falling into your room. he grabbed his hat and placed it back on top of his head before looking over at you. you stared at him with tears glazing over your eyes, your face scrunching up as you brought a hand to your mouth. "i..." you were speechless. your emotions got the better of you and you began sobbing. he quickly walked over to you, cupping your face with his hands as he looked down at you sympathetically. "don't cry..." he softly spoke, but his eyes quickly noticed the dried blood that was still on your face. "y/n..." "i-i'm s.. sorry." you sobbed, averting your eyes as you crossed your arms around your waist. he shook his head as he softly acknowledged your beat-up appearance, moving your arms from covering your waist as he pulled you in for a big hug. "don't be sorry."

you quickly returned the hug, squeezing him tightly as you sobbed into his chest. he broke from the hug, looking back down at you and your bloodstained clothes. "let's go get you cleaned up, yeah?"

you silently nodded. he helped you stand up and you almost fell over, but he quickly caught you. "...let's get you something to eat, too." ... the two of your were now in the bathroom. he helped you sit down on the seat of the toilet before grabbing a rag, getting it wet before walking back over to you. "this is gonna be really cold." he smiled warmly, slowly bringing the rag up to your face and wiping the blood off. you flinched slightly at the touch. as he's cleaning your face, his face turns a bit perplexed. "why... why didn't you open the door?"

you avert your eyes to the ground as you begin messing with your hands. "i just wanted to be alone, i don't know." carl looks at you with a bit of a somber gaze before continuing to clean you up. "i'm sorry for breaking in. i was worried about you. just... please, don't do that again. if you ever need help, i'm here. you know that, right?" "i know..." you looked up at him. "i didn't want you to see me like this. i..." you began tearing up again as you spoke. he quickly sets the rag down and puts both his hands on your cheeks, using his thumbs to wipe away your tears. "i know, i know. it's okay." shortly after, he pulled you in for a quick kiss, his hands remaining on your face as he pulled away. he uses one of his hands to wipe away the stray strands of hair over your face, tucking them behind your ear. "you're so pretty. you know that, right?" he smiled warmly. "i love you." you laughed with a smile, a tear rolling down your cheek. "i love you, too." "let's go get you some new clothes, okay? and some food. i'll make you whatever you want." carl asks, grabbing both your hands. you nod, standing up in sync with him as you followed him back to the room. god, you were so lucky to have him. ─────────────────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────────────────────

[c1oud999]

hi

i just wanted to come on here and talk about my experience with spirituality. warning: longggg post ahead.

basically ive been in the spiritual community for YEARS now. ive had existential crisis since the age of 11 and ive gone through many phases of many different spiritual trends. from law of attraction, to witchcraft, to religious devotion, to law of assumption and now finally non dualism. i read books, meditated for hours and hours, talked to spiritual ppl from all walks of life and watched all the episodes of ganga upanishad (a show i still highly recommend, you can watch on youtube). all this childhood trauma and mental illness made me crave for sweet relief. but nothing really made sense until law of assumption. i thought that that would be it yk. i thought i was done searching but i think that was when i was searching for things the most. i do know i have it in my 4d, when will i see it? i thought i would get all my desires but did not meet success. and then the non dualism trend began and i hopped onto it like pretty much everyone else. i was bewildered at the stuff teachers kept saying. what do you mean everything's an illusion? there's no way that's true. my very real surroundings are causing me VERY real pain and suffering. oh no no there must be a deeper meaning behind all this. and so i read all the books in 4dbarbies drive, but nothing clicked. yes it made sense intellectually, but i didnt want to believe it bc where is the materialisation satisfaction here? also i felt none of the euphoria that was supposed to come with self realisation. which means i must not be a realised being. and then i cried and cried and cried, isolated myself, literally stopped going to school and just lay in bed all day. but ofc, i continued to read the tumblr posts like i had been doing for the past several years. and yesterday i read 4dkelly's post about giving up. it made sense. by the time i had finished reading the post i had truly given up on everything. on wanting, hoping, fearing, striving etc etc. i was SO tired. so i gave up. fell asleep. i woke up really late as usual and missed the school bus. i ate breakfast in silence, switched the tv on and lied down on the couch like always. and like always out of compulsion and force of habit i reached for my phone and looked up non dualism on twitter. and then i came across a tweet that said a simple sentence only- "nothing is ever actually happening." woah. that kinda drove me to the edge of the cliff i desperately wanted to jump off. i turned on some dnb background music and turned the shower on. i stood under the boiling hot water like some dramatic bitch and started piecing together the "puzzle". it all made so much sense now. i got out of the shower and left the house for the first time in months with a cute outfit and makeup on and everything. i went to the mall, bought candles, stickers, eye masks, coffee, and a doughnut with absolutely no social anxiety at all. i sat by window, read some poetry on my e-reader, cried, peered down at the floor below me and cried some more at the sight of little kids sitting on santa's lap and taking pictures and marveled at all the christmas decorations around me. it was insane. i decided i was going to be neutral towards everything but im in love. maddeningly so. in love with this dream that i thought did not love me back. but love is all there is. I AM ALL THERE IS. and i need you to take this literally. there is nothing happening. there is nothing here except you. nothing to fear, nothing to desire. ik a lot of people are going to dismiss this post because it's not a "materialisation success story" but i honestly dont think i can ever want anything physically bc in all its true essence, what is there to materialise? i am already whole and complete. i am lying on this cold hard floor, but i have never felt warmer. also ik there may be a lot of things ive written you might not agree with but again, this is NOT REAL. I AM. i hope this post helps you.

thank you to all the blogs ive come across and all the pointers they have shared: @se1f @realisophie @itgomyway @4dkellysworld @4dbarbie-backup @infiniteko @iamthat-iam and many more i cannot thank enough.

lots and lots of love (more than you can ever imagine), and good luck.

[lovelyladyabsinthewrites]

Homelander being obsessed with his sister HC IV

Warnings: heavy siblingxsibling implications, Homelander being such a narcissist that he falls in "love" with his own sibling, dubcon, noncon, manipulation, stalking, basically all the horrible parts of HL come out to play, MC has blonde hair and blue eyes like HL, different plot than 'All I Ever Wanted, All I Ever Needed', kidnapping,

I II III V

With you and Homelander demolishing the top floor of Vought Tower with your fighting, the rest of the floors are forced to evacuate.

You're younger and smaller than Homelander. Worse was your inexperience with fighting against another supe of his pedigree.

I imagine that somehow you manage to escape and get away but it's only a matter of time before Homelander sniffs you out. But both of you are battered from the fight, each tired.

He doesn't try to fight you. instead he sits down next to you, heaving out a sigh. You're scared, you won't lie. At any moment HL could just turn to you and grab you.

"I'm just. . . terrified to lose you again." HL finally admits. You've heard how he was raised. That isolating loneliness along with the terrible trials they put him through must have really fucked him up. You couldn't even fathom what he'd went through.

That was still no excuse for him kidnapping you. He understood what he had down in keeping you against your will. How else would he be sure he'd ever see you again?

There was obvious desperation in his voice, a tremor in his blue eyes as he has a death grip on your hand. He was just a child. An overgrown, murderous child that had never experienced genuine love and affection.

Don't get me wrong, you are fucking furious. You were kept against your will. You felt like his goddamn canary in a gilded cage. You'd never felt so powerless in your entire life. You hated that feeling. Was that how civilians felt around you?

All that time left alone in his apartment gave you a lot to think about. You'd rolled the situation over and over in your head. Analyzing all that you knew and all that you were still learning.

Both of you spend hours there, just talking. More than you had during your entire captivity. It was difficult for Homelander to be honest about his feelings. He told you all the fucked up shit he'd done. You tell him your own fears and he really listens.

By no means though have you forgiven him. You point that out but say "I suppose the only way you can ever get my forgiveness is if you prove to me that you're truly sorry."

You knew, in his twisted little head, that he loved you. More than anyone has. Maybe a little too much with the way he looked at you sometimes or certain things that would slip from his mouth every now and then.

If you wanted him to prove himself to you, that meant that you were willing to see him again.

You set boundaries, though a few of them you noticed him grimace at. If he wanted you in his life, willingly, he had to abide by them.

You were not going to be anyone's prisoner ever again. No matter how nicely they treated you

He wasn't going to like not having you easily accessible. This was how healthy and normal relationships worked. If there was any chance of getting you to trust him again, he'd have to go along with it.

At least it would give him the opportunity to see you and perhaps have you warmed up to him once more.

[zedleaked]

[APPARENTLY PEOPLE HERE WANTED TO KNOW THE HUMAN AXIS LORE SO IM JUST GOING TO COPY MY TWITTER POST HERE…] BASIC GIST IS THAT THIS IS JUST A GENERAL HUMAN AU. MONSTERS AND HUMANS SWAPPED. WOWIE!

ANYWAYS READ MORE FOR AXIS

AXIS ORIGIN IS STILL A BIT FUZZY. HERE HE'S LIKE CHUJIN'S ADOPTED SON [GENDER NEUTRAL],, CATGIRLTRICKSTER ON TWITTER SUGGESTED CHUJIN JUST FINDING YOUNG AXIS IN A PIPE OR SOMETHING AND I THINK THATS REALLY FUNNY... THOUGH HIS ORIGINS WOULD BE VAGUE. IF ASKED HE'D SAY HE DOESN'T REMEMBER.

ALSO NOTE BEFORE I FORGET. AXIS WAS JUST BORN WITH ONE LEG. THERE IS NO LORE REASON TO WHY ITS MISSING, IT IS JUST THE WAY HE IS. CHUJIN MAKES HIM A ROBOTIC LEG SO HE CAN HAVE AN EASIER TIME.

SURE I COULD GIVE A FUCKED REASON AS TO WHY HE DOESNT HAVE IT BUT I DONT FEEL LIKE IT.

AXIS WOULD BE AN APPRENTICE UNDER CHUJIN SIMILAR TO MARTLET [I NEEDA DRAW MARTLET EVENTUALLY] PLUS IN GAME THERE'S FLAVOR TEXT ABOUT HIM FLIPPING THROUGH THE ROYAL GUARD HANDBOOK IN HIS MIND. HONESTLY. MARTLET AND AXIS BEING FRIENDS THROUGH SHARING THE SAME INTEREST IS SILLY...

HE'D WANT TO TRAIN HIMSELF TO BECOME A ROYAL GUARD OR AT LEAST A PROTECTOR TO PAYBACK CHUJIN FOR TAKING HIM IN. HE'S GOING TO PROTECT HIS FATHER AND HUMANKIND. IT'S HIS BIGGEST GOAL IN LIFE.

STEAMWORKS STILL EXISTS. ITS JUST CHUJIN HADNT BUILT THE AXIS MODELS IN THIS AU BECAUSE. YOU KNOW.

MAYBE HE SAW POTENTIAL IN HUMAN AXIS, SEEING HOW DETERMINED HE IS TO GROW STRONGER AND PROTECT PEOPLE. CHUJIN WOULD WANT HIM TO HONE HIS SKILLS TO BECOME SOMETHING... BIG.

IN A WAY. AXIS WAS A PEEK INTO WHAT HUMANS COULD BECOME AND WHAT THAT COULD DO FOR HUMAN SOCIETY UNDERGROUND.

MEANWHILE AXIS IS ENAMORED BY STEAMWORKS AND JUST CHUJIN'S WORK IN GENERAL. HE REALLY ADMIRES ROBOTS, HE THINKS ABOUT WHAT ITS LIKE IF HE HAD ROBOTIC MODIFICATIONS.

AND LESS LORE RELEVANT BUT HE ALSO HAS CONNECTIONS TO KANAKO TOO! THEY ARE THE SIBLINGS EVER. THOUGH IVE BEEN WONDERING HOW CEROBA NOT KNOWING AXIS IN STEAMWORKS WOULD WORK. IT'D BE KINDA WEIRD FOR CHUJIN TO KEEP A WHOLE ASS CHILD SECRET FROM HER.

THEYVE PROBABLY SEEN EACH OTHER AND NEVER HAD MUCH SIGNIFICANT

INTERACTIONS FOR THEM TO FULLY REMEMBER EACH OTHER. AXIS SPENDS A MAJORITY OF HIS TIME AT STEAMWORKS OR DOING ROYAL GUARD SHIT, AND WHEN HES NOT DOING THAT HES PROBABLY PLAYING WITH KANAKO [WHEN CEROBA ISNT AROUND]

AND WELL. WE HAD TO GET TO THIS PART EVENTUALLY. ONE DAY A MONSTER MAKES ITS WAY INTO THE UNDERGROUND AND STARTED KILLING PEOPLE. DALV [WHO I ALSO NEED TO DRAW] GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE FRAY WHILE PLAYING WITH KANAKO [AND AXIS TOO]. UPON SEEING HIS FRIENDS GET HURT. SOMETHING CLICKS.

AXIS HAD TRAINED UP TO THIS POINT. THIS WAS HIS MOMENT. HE HAD TO SAVE THE PEOPLE FROM THE THREAT IN FRONT OF THEM. INSTINCTS KICK IN AND HE GOES IN TO FIGHT THE MONSTER WHILE DALV TAKES KANAKO TO SAFETY.

THIS MONSTER WAS TOUGH. HE WAS ALMOST KILLED. BUT HE HAD TO PERSEVERE.

SOMETHING JUST ACTIVATED IN HIS SOUL.

HE FELT A SURGE OF POWER. THE ONLY THING HE KNEW IN THAT MOMENT WAS TO.

GET. RID. OF. THE. THREAT.

IN FRONT OF HIM WAS JUST. A HEADLESS BODY THAT SLOWLY FADED INTO DUST.

THAT... HE DIDNT MEAN TO GO THAT FAR.

SIMILAR TO CLOVER IN GENOCIDE, AXIS HAD RAPIDLY LEVELED UP AND SHOT A POWERFUL ATTACK AT THE MONSTER IN RESPONSE TO ALMOST DYING. HE NEEDED TO KEEP GOING NO MATTER WHAT.

STILL. THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS LAID HEAVY ON HIM.

HE HAD KILLED A LIVING, BREATHING THING.

SOON AFTER CHUJIN WALKED IN ON THE SCENE COMPLETELY HORRIFIED. AXIS, ASHAMED OF WHAT HE HAD DONE RAN TOWARD STEAMWORKS TO ISOLATE HIMSELF, SIMILAR TO DALV.

SURE, HE HAD SAVED PEOPLE FROM THAT MONSTER BUT DID HE HAVE TO BE SO GRUESOME?

CHUJIN RAN AFTER HIM, TRYING TO GET HIM BACK

CHUJIN FINDS HIM AT STEAMWORKS, WALLOWING IN JUST. EVERY EMOTION.

HE TRIES TO COMFORT HIM THOUGH AXIS IS STILL INSISTENT ON NOT GOING OUT.

THE TWO REACHED THE COMPROMISE THAT: AXIS WOULD GUARD AND PROTECT STEAMWORKS AND THAT CHUJIN WOULD CHECK UP ON HIM EVERY NOW AND THEN.

SO THATS WHAT HE DID. HE STAYED AT STEAMWORKS, WATCHING OVER THE PLACE AND ITS ROBOTS FOR….. AGES.

EVENTUALLY CHUJIN'S CHECK UPS GET MORE SPARSE UNTIL JUST. NOTHING.

AXIS NOTICES TOO THAT LESS AND LESS SCIENTISTS ARE PRESENT AT STEAMWORKS. UNTIL THERE IS NO ONE THERE.

WHEN ASKED IF HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE

TOO HE SAID

"NO. MY FATHER AND I HAD REACHED THE AGREEMENT THAT I WOULD STAY AND PATROL THIS AREA, AND THAT I WILL DO." THERE WAS NO CONVINCING HIM TO LEAVE. SO THE OTHERS RELUCTANTLY LEFT HIM BE.

DAY BY DAY HE WATCHES STEAMWORKS FLOOD AND DECAY. WHILE HE STAYS THERE TRYING TO KEEP UP THE AGREEMENT BETWEEN HIS FATHER AND HIMSELF.

NO ONE HAD TOLD HIM.

ONE DAY THOUGH HE FINDS THAT STEAMWORKS SUDDENLY ACTIVATES RIGHT BEFORE SEEING A MONSTER ONCE AGAIN.

OH HE REMEMBERS THE PAST WELL. IN THIS AU IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO GET HIS MEMORY ERASED.

WHILE THE EVENTS PLAY OUT MOSTLY THE SAME COMPARED TO NORMAL UTY.

AXIS SEEMS MORE HESITANT THAN USUAL. AND PROBABLY MONOLOGUING A LITTLE SIMILAR TO WHAT DALV DOES

BEING A HUMAN. HE POSES LESS OF A THREAT ON HIS OWN. HOWEVER. MY GUY SETS UP HOME ALONE TYPE TRAPS N SHIT TO TRY AND CATCH CLOVER INSTEAD [PART OF HIS ROYAL GUARD TRAINING!!.

ONLY RESORTING TO USING "ROBOTIC MODIFICATIONS" HE HAD FOUND WHEN CLOVER REALLY [ticks] HIM OFF.

AND YES. HE STILL GETS A ROBOT SPOUSE IF A PACIFIST PLAYTHROUGH HAPPENS. HUMAN AXIS IS OBJECTUM. ITS REAL.

SO YEAH THAT IS ALL THE THINGS I THINK.

HOLY SHIT THIS THREAD IS LONG. FEW PEOPLE WILL READ THIS I THINK BUT I STILL WANTED TO GET STUPID AU THOUGHTS OUT. UH. YEAH HOPE THAT IS GOOD OR SMTH.. FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS 🥺

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi, im an 18 year old pre-transition trans guy and ive grown up in an incredibly repressive fundie household which has caused me to really struggle both socially and with my sexual development. ive been homeschooled nearly my whole life and am currently getting everything set up to enroll for college this fall, this will be my first time living away from my abusive household and im very nervous about it..

anyhow, im in a really really weird situation right now. because of my shelteredness ive always been extremely isolated irl, ive never had a consensual romantic or sexual experience irl and all of my friends are online friends. well, one of my online friends (a cis guy who i knew from an online forum) and i started fooling around a bit, flirting and then eventually very explicit conversations, trading nudes and sexual video calls. we were extremely emotionally close and the relationship was pseudo-romantic but we both agreed we didn't want to do online dating after both of us having a bad experience with it previously.

this whole situation allowed me to experiment sexually more than i ever have, and i really felt more sexually confident than i ever have.

when we met, he told me he was freshly 19. and for the whole relationship i was under that impression, he didn't give me any reason to doubt it. but two days ago he couldn't handle lying anymore and revealed that he was 15. needless to say that was an incredible shock and i dealt with it as responsibly as i think i can.

the reason i'm coming to you about this is because i feel really weird about the whole thing, i dont blame myself for believing him and im not mad at him because i understand what lead him to those choices, but now i feel really awkward about all of the good things i got out of the situation before the reveal.. this was my first time ever really doing "real" sexual stuff with someone (beyond just texting i mean, i had never exchanged nudes or done vidoe calls like that before) everything sexual i encounter now makes me feel awkward because of all of this, its really weird and uncomfortable and i don't know what to do :(

im not sure what im hoping to get out of telling you this but i can't really talk about this to anyone else i feel like, so i guess i just wanted to get it off my chest

(if anyone responds to this accusing me of taking advantage of him or not handling the situation correctly, firstly you have basically no context and secondly you don't know what i did to take care of the situation. let me and my close friends be the ones to judge how i handled it, this is an extremely complicated situation for me to be in and you being judgmental does nothing positive for it.)

hi anon,

oofah doofah, what a sucky situation.

I totally understand feeling grossed out by the reveal; those feelings are real and deserve recognition. it's not nice to be lied to, especially when the truth casts all of your previous experiences in a totally different light - and a much scarier one, since you could very well have been breaking the law by exchanging nudes with a 15 year old, depending on where you live! this person could have gotten you in huge trouble by lying, which makes this whole situation that much worse.

having said that, you don't need to feel good about having had a good time and having gotten some positive experiences out of this dynamic. you were enjoying a relationship that you had every reason to believe was above board and it did great things for your sexual confidence! that's not retroactively untrue just because you were being misled; all of the good things you felt are still real.

think of it this way: when a couple breaks up there's often a urge to feel that they've been wasting their time together, that all of the energy and devotion they brought to their relationship was ultimately a waste because they didn't die together in bed holding hands at the tender age of 107. but that isn't true! no relationship is a waste of time, and even when things don't work out, that doesn't mean the good things didn't count. every time those people made each other laugh, everything they encouraged each other to try, every new thing they experienced together, every time they had sex, every meal they shared - all of these are real and matter and helped shape them for the better, even if they ended up parting ways as romantic partners.

the same is true for you. take your time to sit with your hurt at this loss and betrayal of your trust, but don't throw the good out with the bad. this wasn't ultimately a good relationship for you, but that doesn't mean it brought nothing of value into your life, and you can carry what you learned about yourself forward with you as you seek more appropriate partners :)

[starry-eyes-love]

Farewell Ballad- One-shot

Masterlist    Joel Masterlist

Summary | Joel takes one final walk in the park before his spirit passes on. Written from Joel’s point of view.

Pairing | Husband Joel Miller x Wife F!Reader- AU, No Outbreak, One-Shot

Warnings:  Death of a major character (no descriptions of how he died), Joel speaking about moving on to the afterlife, battle with pancreatic cancer for Joel, Joel’s point of view, heavy angst.

Word Count: 1.4K

A/N: This came from a deep, soulful place in my heart. I needed to work through some major things in my personal life, and this was my therapy. Grab your tissues; this one hurts.

“I have so much I need to say,” you whispered, trying to choke back your sobs behind your hand. “I know, baby, I know,” he said.

Joel’s steps were slow and deliberate as he walked down the narrow pathway, winding himself through the park.  It was a cold, crisp October morning as he hugged his jacket to his body, letting light coughs out of his lungs. His breaths were shallow, uneven gasps as the cool, crisp air stung his lungs. 

Joel pulled his worn construction coat tighter around his frail body to ward off the chill that was settling deep within his bones. He always loved this park; it’s where he met you 18 years ago. Joel had a million memories here. He remembered the days he’d run along these paths for exercise, the sunny afternoons he’d toss his daughter, Sarah, high up in the air as she laughed.  And the times he’d kiss you softly and passionately underneath the old, worn Oak tree. But those days felt like a distant dream now, a memory. Once, the vibrant green trees were now skeletal, matching the look that Joel felt within himself as he continued along his path.

Dr. Johnston had informed Joel, a man who was 42 years old, that he had stage IV pancreatic cancer.  The horrible prognosis came back in May, five months prior.  His doctor had informed Joel that treatments wouldn’t work and that his cancer was too aggressive.

“Joel, treatments won’t work for you; your cancer’s too aggressive. My advice, just live life the best you can with the limited time you have left.”

Now Joel could feel the cancer eating away his bones.  His once strong, muscular self was no more. Now, he was frail, feeling like just a husk of the man he once was. Joel’s strength was no longer there, and his days were slowly becoming numbered before him. 

As Joel continued to walk, he felt himself having to pause by a bench and rest his body. When he lowered himself down onto the cold wood, he found himself letting out a hiss at the pain he felt deep in his abdomen.  When Joel closed his eyes, he felt all his memories wash over him: Sarah's laughter as they played in the grass and your hand's gentle touch as you walked together. Each memory he saw was a fleeting moment of light in the growing darkness of his current reality.

When Joel opened his eyes again, he looked around, and as he did, he felt a tear slowly slip down his face. The park was quiet in the early morning; no one was around, and the only sound heard was from the leaves rustling in the breeze. Joel couldn’t voice it, but he felt an overwhelming sense of isolation, as if the world had already moved on without him, leaving him in a cocoon of sorrow and regret. He had known this day was coming for a long time; the doctors had been very clear about that. But knowing that hadn’t made any of this easier.

As Joel sat, he thought about the days he had wasted, of his petty arguments with Tommy, Sarah, and you over dumb things. He thought about all the dreams he had yet to fulfill, of how his life and time were ending prematurely. Joel’s regret gnawed at him, a constant reminder of missed choices and failed opportunities that existed. How he’d never see Sarah get married and have a family. How the life he had promised you, his wife, would now be cut short.  All the places he wanted to travel to, visit, and experience were now all taken from him and gone.  Joel had always believed that there would be more time, that he’d have more chances to make things right, to experience new things. But now, as he sat alone on this bench, he realized how precious life was and how wrong he had been.

The weight of Joel’s impending death weighed down on him, suffocating him with fear and despair. He was never a religious man, but now he found himself praying for a miracle, for some way to hold on just a little longer, if not for himself, for you. Joel selfishly wanted to see his grandchildren grow up and feel the warmth of your embrace again.  He tried to find inner peace within himself before it was too late, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t.

Joel continued to sit silently as he suddenly felt a single tear roll down his cheek, followed by another. Eventually, he let out a deep sob that had escaped his mouth in a cry of desperation—a man who didn’t want to die. 

“I don’t want to go; I don’t want to die. I can’t leave them,” Joel yelled, sobbing into his hand as all of his pent-up emotions flowed freely.  The once strong man felt himself breaking into a million pieces. As the tears continued to escape his eyes, Joel found his hand trembling as he gently wiped them away. He knew he didn’t have much time left. 

With another shaky breath, Joel wiped a hand down his face, mumbling “fuck” to himself, knowing that he only had moments left before his soul would start the journey to the beyond. As he stood on wobbly legs, he forced himself forward for one last walk around, wanting to commit every detail of his life to memory. With each step forward, he felt a flashback of a memory that made him smile and one that gave him a sense of calm.  

When Joel finally found himself at the end of the park’s path, it was at that moment he took one last steadying breath, trying to savor the scent of the Earth, and the smell of the leaves one last time. As he turned away, he felt his footsteps become weightless; it was time. Joel slowly left his physical form with each stride, freeing his soul and the heavy burdens that he had carried for a lifetime. 

The longer he walked, the more his surroundings blurred and faded away, colors and shapes melding into a soft, hazy glow. Joel glanced down at his hands and saw them shimmering, becoming less of a physical form. He felt a lightness start to take over in his chest, a calmness, erasing all fear and regret plaguing his human form, dissipating like mist.

As Joel continued forward, he felt another gentle pull within him, something unresolved, something that he needed to accomplish before he could cross the threshold between life and death itself. Joel knew he was leaving this world, that his journey was not ending but was transforming. And with one final glance back, he felt himself change entirely to his spirit form. Joel was no longer bound by the physical limitations of his sick, frail body. He felt whole, complete, and for once at peace.  And it was at that moment that he saw you.

“Joel!” you yelled, running towards him, tears streaming down your face. 

“I know,” Joel whispered, standing before you, knowing you couldn’t see him anymore as he was now a spirit on this Earth.

“I have so much I need to say,” you whispered, trying to choke back your sobs behind your hand.

“I know, baby, I know,” he said, standing before you, trying to find a way to comfort the heartbreak you were feeling at losing your soulmate so suddenly.

As you stood there, tears streaming down your face at the sorrow and heartache you felt of losing him, of losing your Joel.  Sensing your struggle, Joel slowly reached out and cupped your cheek with his spirit hand.  He gently leaned forward and kissed your forehead, whispering, “I love you now and forever, my darling. But you have to live, baby, live for me. I’ll see you again soon. I promise,” and he gave you one final kiss.

You couldn’t see Joel standing before you but could feel his presence around you, holding you tight one final time. “I love you,” you whispered for him to hear.

“I know, baby; I love you too,” he whispered in return. 

As Joel turned, he saw those who had passed on before him holding their hands out for him to take. As he did, he felt himself leave behind all of life's pain and sorrow, all of the regrets and missed opportunities. Joel found the strength and courage he once longed for in this new existence. As he continued walking, he felt himself, his spirit, finally being free. At that moment, after feeling Joel’s presence leave, your knees buckled, and you screamed in agony at the loss of your soulmate, who had finally crossed over. Joel had finally left this Earth to go to his final resting place without you, leaving you behind with the feeling of being utterly alone. 

The End

[baldwinivmybeloved]

Hi, baby can you make what if Baldwin iv cheated on his wife and find out plz 🙏😘

Hello Anon, I hope you like it, the truth is I don't like infidelity topics so it didn't flow very well but I hope it meets your expectations

ᯟ　 CHEATED WIFE　 🍱❔Baldwin IV x Reader

It was a warm night in Jerusalem, and the clear sky allowed the stars to shine brightly over the city. In the palace, Baldwin IV, known as the Leper King, was restless in his chambers. Although his marriage to Monique, a noble Frenchwoman of great beauty and kindness, was known to all, his heart and mind were elsewhere that night.

Baldwin had been seduced by the young and charming Alix, a newly arrived maid at court. Their furtive encounters had begun as simple conversations but soon turned into something more. Alix, with her flirtatious laughter and gentle caresses, had achieved what few could: making Baldwin forget, even for a moment, the burden of his illness and the responsibilities of his kingdom.

That night, Monique, unaware of the betrayal taking place, walked through the palace gardens. Her thoughts were full of love and concern for Baldwin. Although his health deteriorated day by day, Monique never stopped loving and supporting him unconditionally. She decided to return to their chambers, hoping to find her husband and perhaps spend a quiet night by his side.

As she reached the door of Baldwin's chamber, she heard voices. At first, she thought it might be a conversation with one of his advisors, but the soft, feminine laughter that followed made her stop in her tracks. Her heart pounded as she approached the slightly open door and peered through the crack.

What she saw made the world stop for her. Baldwin was with Alix, their bodies entwined in an intimate embrace. The words of love and passion they whispered shattered Monique's heart into a thousand pieces. She felt as if the ground had disappeared beneath her feet, and a sharp pain pierced her chest.

Monique slowly backed away, trying not to make any noise, and ran to her room. She slammed the door shut and collapsed on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Baldwin's betrayal, the man she loved more than her own life, was too much to bear. Despair and pain engulfed her, and a deep darkness began to cloud her mind.

In the following days, Monique isolated herself from the world. She barely ate or slept, and her eyes reflected an unfathomable sadness. Court rumors soon reached her ears, and humiliation added to her pain. She felt she could no longer live with the weight of that betrayal.

One night, Monique sat at her desk and wrote a letter to Baldwin. Her hands trembled as tears fell on the paper, but her words were clear and filled with pain:

*"Dear Baldwin,

I loved you with all my soul and being. Your betrayal has destroyed my heart and spirit. I can no longer live with this pain. I hope you find repentance in your heart and remember the happy moments we shared.

Goodbye, my love.

Monique"*

After writing the letter, Monique went to her dresser and took out a small vial of poison she had secretly obtained. She knew she couldn't endure the suffering any longer and decided to end her life. She drank the poison and lay down on her bed, closing her eyes as tears streamed down her cheeks.

The next morning, Baldwin found the letter on his desk. As he read it, his heart filled with unbearable anguish. He ran to Monique's room, only to find her lifeless body in bed. Pain and remorse overwhelmed him, and he knelt beside her, weeping bitterly.

The news of Monique's death spread throughout the kingdom, and the tragedy left an indelible mark on Baldwin. He was never the same again, and the weight of his betrayal accompanied him until the end of his days. Monique was remembered as a woman of great nobility and heart, whose life was cut short by the betrayal of the man she loved.

[tears-grow-gardens]

TW- ed rant

This is my first ever tumblr post. Normally I'm just a wall flower, sitting quietly in the tumblr corner reading other peoples posts and thoughts hoping to feel less alone in my own mind. I'm not even sure what I want to say but for the past 4 years I have struggled with my eating, some days are really bad and other days it's just like an itch, like I know all the rules, fear and guilt that has stained me but I feel stronger not to let it win. 2-3 years ago I was at my worst, I was in my 3rd year of University, I had lost all hope and drive in my life and I let everything crumble through my fingers, I was failing classes, isolating from everyone, loosing sight of my dreams and what mattered to me. I don't know who was holding the wheel to my life but I felt I had lost control with all of it. I didn't know how to change or help myself, I was so tired of always feeling like a failure to myself and everyone around me. I had been dealing with depression and anxiety for so long and serious case of undiagnosed ADHD and all these feeling felt so permanent, like they would never go away, so I turned to something I felt I could control, which was food. There was nothing I hated more in the world than myself, my body, my face, the way that I believed people saw me. I hated every inch of who I was. I thought that if i could control what went in i would get the results I've always wanted and maybe even get to like the way I look. And the results came, it felt so good to be able to get something right, like for the first time in my life I didn't feel like a complete failure. The feeling of hunger gave me power, how I didn't have to say words to people that I was hurting inside because they could see it from the outside. Wake up, look in the mirror, walk, workout, coffee, walk, coffee, porridge, starve, walk, mirror, bed. This was my life but fortunately or unfortunately I was sniffed out like a rat from one of my house mates who confronted me, it felt like I was standing there naked and exposed with all my secrets written on my skin. After that I felt I had to change, I felt watched and analysed with every move I made. My weight goals put into a box, I tried to make amends with my body and mind but from the years to follow the voices never left my head. Sometimes the voices are merely a whisper and other days the voices are so loud it feels like everyone else can hear them too. Now here I am on tumblr 4 years later writing to say I have relapsed, not that I think I ever recovered but more I was idle with temptation to destroy myself and now I'm back, born again to hack my body to pieces. Ive found myself almost everyday purging in the bathroom, even if its been a normal, healthy meal. I just want to crawl out of my skin and shrink into nothing. I don't want to die and I don't want to live like this but i feel years of rage within me of unnoticed pain that I want to scream to the world and let them know. I have dreams and I want them to exist one day as true but I don't know how I'll ever rid myself of these dark paralysing thoughts. I'm so tired of feeling unloved and lonely, in my 22 years of life I have never known what it is or what it feels like when someone choses to love you. Im so convinced by my own hatred for myself that I believe everyone else sees me the way I do. The toxic thing is, is that I want this for myself, I want the hunger in sanctuary of starving, I want to feel small and fragile and i want people to worry, i want them to say "she's lost weight", while they ponder on how hurt I must be to have lost myself this far.

Anyway enough for one day. idk if anyone reads these long word vomit tumblr posts but thank you if you've read this far and welcome to my fkd up mind.

[amazinglyashy]

the emotional seeing parents and kids post... very beautifully written. I hope all of us from broken and toxic families can experience what you wrote one day 🩷

I have a distinct core memory of standing in my bf's dad's kitchen with his mom after him and his dad had just gotten back from a 2 week Japan vacation, and his mom had helped me out with an art event I was selling at. It felt more like a family, scrolling through their photos and eating Japanese candy his dad had bought me than my own ever had. My mom has never once been to one of my events even just to see me to this day, after ive been at it for nearly 2 years and selling even closeby to where she lives before i moved out. And I ran for my life away from my dad with the rest of my family when I was 21, after he had isolated us my entire life to the point we couldn't go to school or outside without him chaperoning us. I wasn't even allowed friends.

I try my best to write from my heart, what I need or what I needed during a situation. And if I don't have the experience, I try to relate something to it while doing research.

I think it's also important to note just how many notes some of my more intense posts get-- none of us are alone. We've all been there, to varying degrees. Sure, most people probably can't relate to being Rapunzel in a house for 21 years, but they do understand why I get anxiety whenever a parent or authority figure talks to me or texts me. And if anyone ever wants to talk, I hope they know both my dms and ask box are open. I'm not a therapist, nor am I solely a vent corner. But I am a friend.

We got this.

[mbat]

fuck it, have my unnecessarily personal review that i left on letterboxd (i literally only made a letterboxd account like 3 days ago and this is my first and only review ahfhdg)

"i only just finished watching this film about 2 hours ago and for the first while after, i didnt know how to feel. i went into this movie knowing it was a trans metaphor (and that was the only thing i knew), and it definitely was. there were some things i didnt understand until i saw other peoples discussions of it, and some parts i still dont entirely understand, but i think i understand enough.

mind you, i am trans and ive known for years, im just bad at picking up metaphor sometimes. i think it doesnt help that i went into it expecting it to be a very different kind of metaphor because, well... i dont think ive ever seen a trans story like this. the one where they explore someone rejecting their identity and living their life refusing to believe it, even though theyre suffocating to death. i love any trans story (that isnt hateful of course), but they tend to be the same kind. this one wasnt. im glad it wasnt.

for about an hour after i couldnt stop thinking about the final scene, in the birthday room. i hoped i would stop thinking about it eventually, i was trying to move on with my day, but it just wouldnt leave. i rewatched it on youtube and i read the comments, and as i made my own comment i just started sobbing, and i couldnt stop.

that breakdown scene in that birthday room has been how ive felt for so long, but i cant just scream like that. hell, ive felt like that in so many ways that arent even related to my trans identity. just that throat-tearing scream, begging for help, im dying, help me... and then being sorry that i even dared feel that way, and then screaming for my mother. i am so weak when it comes to stories about mothers nowadays, i lost my own mother a few years ago. so hearing that scream hurt.

and of course, the fact that no one acknowledges it. everyone else is frozen, like they arent even there. no one even looked their way for those last few minutes. no one responded. even as they apologized to everyone in sight, no one cared. someone asked if they were okay, but we dont even see them.

my entire life has been me screaming from the inside, but never out. and no one sees it. no one sees me. ive never seen another scene like this ever. it tore into my soul and plastered it into the screen, telling me to look at myself.

im also in a big time of change in my life. im about to go back to school after dropping out, and ive been isolated for 7 years from the world... on the youtube video of the final scene, someone said 'this is what its like going down a path in your life, and then realizing it was the wrong one, and that you wasted years of your life that you will never get back' and that hurt. that hurt so much because it was true. i went down a path that i can never change, and i just want to scream until i cant anymore. i just wanted someone to help me. all i could ever do was help myself.

what an amazing movie. there will always still be time. never forget that there will always still be more time."