#but talking with people also makes me kinda insane so im in a dilemma here

[yusuke-ish]

.

i keep wondering if ill ever open up to romance again

[dilemma-danger]

☆welcome to my blog!!!☆

haii :D im ash!!!

my pronouns r he/they/it/bite :3 im also pansexual and a trans guy!

im a high schooler :P

i have tourettes syndrome, epilepsy, mdd, and anxiety

my sideblogs r @clearingthroat (vents/gore), @against-life-as-a-symptom (art, though i also post art here), @d1lemmaaa (kjrp), and @gerard-ways-right-sock (mostly made that bc there's a left sock blog lmao)

im also a therian!!! my theriotypes are a jaguar, a black jaguar, and a northern long-eared bat :] feel free to ask about them!

my blog is matching with my friend, @gay-little-freak!!

i went to one more time tour and saw ptv and blink-182 7/11/24!!!!

free palestine🇵🇸

i lovelovelove music!!! lots of different types!! i have my headphones on pretty much 24/7, you'll never see me with em off hehe

i have lots of favorite bands!! in no specific order, they're my chemical romance, pierce the veil, blink 182, hozier, green day, tv girl, lemon demon, system of a down, slipknot, leathermouth, frank iero, mailpup, salv the dog, s3rl, sodikken, weezer, ghost, femtanyl, insane clown posse, simple plan, fall out boy, and h3artcrush :33

my favorite genres r emo music and loudloudloud stuff that i can blow my eardrums out with!!!!

please send music recommendations x3

my current and past hyperfixations:

fnaf, gore, cannibalism, lobotomies, mcr, olms, plushies, ranboo, dsmp (this was like 4 years ago don't execute me please), furries, dinosaurs, saw (2004)

tags:

#thoughts : my og posts!!

#horny for frank iero : uh. i think this one is somewhat self explanatory :')

#asks : any asks people send me!!! (please send me asks ily)

#me : pics of me :33

i started doing these after i started posting, so its technically not all of my posts.

DNI:

homophobes/transphobes, ableists, zoophiles, racists, incest, and other basic dni. that includes assholes.

other random stuffs!!!

-my favorite color is neon green

-my favorite animals are snakes and olms

-pleaseee use tonetags im really bad at deciphering things lol

-im really cool and a really great guy this is Certified by the Government

-i love to draw and make things!! i make a lot of kandi and cosplays. lmk if you want to see any of my cosplays :3

-i have a youtube channel with 17.8k subscribers!! i dont like giving it out, but dm me if you want it :]

-i collect soda tabs and plushies

pictures of me, my killjoy oc, and blinkies/stamps below the cut!!!

this is me!!!!

my killjoy oc!!!!

DILEMMA DANGER!!! (name by @gay-little-freak :3)

dilemma is mostly based off of me, so we're kinda similar!!

pronouns: he/they

gender: male (trans)

sexuality: panromantic asexual

he lovessss music, and he plays the guitar xP

he wears this a lot!!!

this is what he looks like!!! i havent actually drawn them a full reference yet, i still need to. look out for that!!

i roleplay as him sometimes!!!

whenever a post is him talking, itll be set up like this:

text goes here

-dilemma danger

sometimes it wont have the "-dilemma danger" part, but only if ive already stated it earlier in the conversation :]

he is a MAJOR crash king. he has a singular brain cell and he does not use it hehe

hes got sharp teeth and a dirty blonde fluffy mullet that usually covers his eyes.

he actually is very good at fighting, when he needs to be!!

hes tall and lanky and has a diagonal scar from his cheek to his nose from a clap with some dracs.

he hatesssss firefights and hes not very good at shooting, so he usually carries around a knife! he still uses his gun though, just not often.

he likes zone five the most and is debating finding a place there to live, but he currently lives on the cusp of zone three and four.

he does have a group, but im still developing them :]

BLINKIES!!!

thanks for reading :D this ended up really long hehe

[longeyelashedtragedy]

all or nothing episode 5: stream of consciousness comments

-oh boy...NOT READY

-edu and the january transfer window...how we all feel lol

-that side of me that loves...legal proceedings and shit (when reading “true crime” stuff in the past my fav part was always the trial) finds this stuff about the auba dilemma really interesting

-y’all work with mikel why can’t you say his name right omg

-edu being like WARNING: talking to mikel about this issue will be Dangerous Proceed With Caution 

-man this all is just. Uncomfortable to watch

-mikel arteta eyebrows queen of north london

-mikel drops his first “fucking” of the episode

-granit staring at him so Intently whenever he talks 🥺

-eddie nketiah episode??? omg fuck yes i love this for us

-oh gosh nottingham forest....here comes the dressing room....wait shit granit wasn’t even there bc of covid so we’ll never get to see how he reacted to that (in person)

-FFF I FORGOT THIS IS WHEN NUNO COMES OFF IN THE 1ST HALF

-omg “if i lose a duel i get upset”...at one point he just straight up shrieked i swear what demon lives inside of this man

-charlie patino is like what did i get myself into

-god i just wanna hug all of them....i Love them so much

-LMAO emile going to nando’s bc his mom isn’t home ajkdf;akldf

-the way every scene mikel and this tim lewis guy have together is like an evil mastermind scene...and he sucks up to mikel so much “my relationship with mikel isn’t transactional” yeah ok sure

-OMG just got a clip of mikel saying his own name that kind of thing is Important (*it sounds really cute when he says it lmao)

-wait what is this a granit episode all of a sudden?

-granit laughing happily: “i’m one of the oldest already!�� and i’m still 28!”

-i SWEAR when granit smiles and laughs the world is literally ok again!!! he is a GIFT!

- “people think i’m very aggressive, because of my game”

-jfc whenever i see him mouthing “fuck off” in that clip i get [redacted]

-OMG GRANIT TELLING THESE FANS HARASSING HIM TO SHUT UP JADKFLKADF;AKF god why didn’t u make me granit

-”not one of us as kids start football because of the money.  you start football because you love it”

-beautiful shots of granit omg ffffff god i wish amazon let you fuckin screenshot

-ah, and this segues right into liverpool lol

-granit being mini manager in the dressing room

-let’s stop and reflect on how PERFECT xhakarteta is as a couple they were made for each other tyvm i’m having sO many emotions and Feelings

-granit sad and alone and upset in the dressing room after kicking diogo jota...oh my whole heart i love one man. i know we saw this in the trailer but y’all it’s beautiful and heartbreaking

-laca and baby gabi coming off the pitch holding hands...my HEART

-oh oh oh they show mikel going over to hug sad granit before he leaves the dressing room....hgjskgjsjsg it was G rated but it says it all

-mikel asking the staff how to pronounce “goosebumps” lmao

-his nice dressing room talks are so sweet and heartfelt

-ayo i don’t need these fans’ shitty opinions on granit...keep it to Yourselves

-kt and rob coming into the canteen all hyped up!!!!!  i love them!!! i hope someone takes a video of them dancing pls

-ben white and aaron content!...omg seeing that gabon scored....sigh

-this scene of everyone teasing granit about his card....his bde in this is INSANE and it’s also kinda serving deki vibes for me god i’m having such like Envy and Feelings

-OMG WAIT ARE WE GOING TO HIS HOUSE NOW OMG

-OMG HE JUST SAID SHPIRTI IM TO AYANA I AM DYING AND SCREAMING

-his kids are so cute and happy the family life vibes are SOLID

-yo we get to hear leonita speak?!! she has a really nice voice (vanja vibes) and i like what she’s saying about granit

-THIS WAS AMAZING IT’S EVERYTHING I’M DYING AJDKF;LAKDFDF

-back to auba drama...sigh

-SIR put your fucking eyelashes AWAY sos 911

-DUBAI TIME

- “in spain they call it casa pepe...it means pepe’s house he can do whatever he fucking wants.” ...mikel there’s no way that’s a thing but can we all just start saying “casa pepe” now

-mikel praising granit :’))) whose Slutty Dubai Arms are in all their glory

-mikel Yelling at granit on the pitch omggggg...

-he’s losing his voice again and the dude goes “your voice is fucking terrible” jakd;akdlfdf drag him

-LMAO barca dicking around is anyone surprised

-they literally got the deal done ONE MINUTE before the deadline??? i’d say “that was fake for tv” but this is arsenal football club after all

-wow that episode was...wow

-the last one left to watch is going to be a WHOPPER cause it has us going to mikel’s house? it’s shorter than the others but like. do i have the ability to process that rn

-damn guys just w Ow this episode was doing the most

[kietamitai]

An extremely long vent and personal thoughts post

I have to title it because it is what it is. And honestly, I’m going to explain everything that’s been going on with my personal feelings, mental/emotional state, and current situation. 

I have somewhat vented/talked about this on twitter but making a long post on my blog seems to be much better. This is likely to be my last resort of anything. Nothing bad will happen but this is to tell you that I am currently not in a good mood.

All I ask is that if you read the post, just like the post. And maybe give it a few days before asking if I am alright. DO NOT REPLY TO THIS OR SEND ME A MESSAGE I BEG OF YOU (I am not saying it to be avoidant like I will end up sounding angry if you do).

Don’t read it if you’re not in the right mood to read it. It has some questionable bits but yeah.

OK so on the first and forefront of current situation cause it’s probably the shortest.

Personally speaking, nothing is happening at home, however, I am left with a vague sense of I have to do something because everyone in the family sees me as lazy and undisciplined.

I am worried that if I started to move, that everything is going to go pretty bad. This fear is completely normal on any standard, but the problem is that this feeling is immensely different from what people may think.

Since I had recently learned about people with ADHD having Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), everything I have experienced up until this point finally makes sense.

It is that fear of unwanted “rejection” and “negative response/feedback.”

Needless to say, some things have happened in the past that drastically shaped who I am today and my rather laid back personality, but this fear of failure came as a result. It can sometimes make me immobile.

When I get paranoid over whether or not I fuck something up, I LITERALLY FREAK OUT SOMETIMES OK?

But aside from this foreboding feeling about needing to do something (which will come in due time because I have a feeling that I’ll take that step out there sooner or later), here’s the more social part of the situation.

After what feels like I offended a friend and some what apologizing and owning up to my own reactions, I sorta ended getting slapped in the face with them implying that they don’t care. Like, I have a feeling that it’s not what they actually meant, but it’s also quite obvious that if I tried to ask for clarification, I will get yelled at for being stupid and I HATE THAT THE MOST CAUSE I GET THAT A LOT.

And this is just on the personal side of things— I dunno what their intentions or implications are. They just don’t seem to want to say that it is possibly their fault that it happened, even when I pointed it out that it is. And well, they seem to have misinterpreted the whole point of my message as well, but I just gave up on even trying to clarify myself any further cause I just woke up from a nap at the time and I almost didn’t even want to respond to that with the way they word it.

I’d rather not go into detail about that since it is an insanely minor thing, but with the way they sorta avoid me in general, it just feels like they’re scared of me or something. I’m not one to push on to make someone uncomfortable for answers so if they read this and recognize it’s them, good job I guess? 

I’m probably not on their radar anyways cause they got their own shit to worry about, so really, I’d only be surprised if they ended up reading this pile of mess and then going up to my IM/ask and be like, “You fuck ass are u talking shit about me?”

On that, it is only complicated feelings coming from me. I’m not here to shit on someone for their circumstances, but in the meantime, I’m avoiding them cause like I feel like if I start talking again, I WILL FUCK UP REALLY BADLY or even worse, THEY WILL FLAT OUT JUST IGNORE ME.

My answer will most likely not be positive with them specifically if questioned in such a rude way.

And RSD likes to make things worse on the social side of things even if I simply just want to check up on them and ask if they’re doing alright. Similar situations has happened before, and when that happens, trust me, that’s when I know a friendship isn’t meant to be. I am not distant because I don’t know how to get close to people.

It’s happened too many times. Really, even if it hurts, I have to stop caring and let it go.

But on that regard, after talking to some more people, I end up getting this feeling of... isolation. I had read somewhere that ADHD may make it so that it ends up feeling like I can’t connect to people.

It sorta reels in the whole experience.

It isn’t like I want their kind of friendship, but in any friendship, I can tell that I don’t get a lot of attention. It’s like seeing a friend connect to another friend better than you can connect to either of them. I’ve always been left alone a lot so honestly, it’s nothing new.

I don’t like it when people are too too clingy to me but when they’re insanely distant, it makes me feel like my existence is just around for them to waste time.

In most cases, I just end up asking for people to say hi to me or something and get no response. Well, I know everyone has lives to run, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling insanely bitter or even bad to the point where I feel like I’ve been annoying and trying too hard and people are just FED UP with my antics and choosing to ignore me. 

After a while, you get used to the feeling and you stop caring.

But in summary, if I had done a small mistake that warranted a negative response (or in a way I perceive it as negative) then I will remember that for a long time and my fear is that you’ll bring it up again cause by that time, you’ve already seen me in a different light and you’ll probably subconsciously remember it and maybe bring it up subtly where I’ll be like “o fuck did I fuck up again” and PARANOIA ENSUES.

Another summary is that I’ve been feeling like I’m lacking a sense of self again.

This isn’t an uncommon dilemma. I’ve never given it much thought as long as I can make it believable to an extent. I stopped caring because I’ve been disciplined a lot for smaller things and been compared.

Not to mention a big part of it happened when the grandma I live with decided to berate me one day. That was the day I felt like a stranger to my own family.

I’ve been living with constant less praise and more reprimanding. When people praise me, I am happy, but I am always left feeling that I am deceiving them.

People call me one thing but I dunno which am I. I have come to find out that it is who I am. I am probably like a chameleon lol

But really, I have a terrible sense of self and sometimes when I really think about it, I have no idea what really makes up me. I’ve been collecting and amassing different personalities and stuff like that.

Perhaps that knowledge is how I come to understand people fairly easily.

The more I try to find out more about myself, the more I end up losing a sense of who I am. The less I try, the more I end up feeling like nothing.

My feelings of being worthless isn’t because of any emotional reason, it is a fairly logical reason. I am simply not someone that resources should go to.

In fact, sometimes I wish I can suffer, but apparently, I can’t have that either. It takes too much time for me to just make myself suffer, it’s just easier to do nothing. I don’t even have the energy to make myself hated enough to want to be forgotten. 

From drifting between being worthless and having my mistakes rebound on me, making it more than enough for me to want to stab myself, to feeling just slightly better about my day, it has been kinda tough.

Sometimes it’s not that I want to think about it and sometimes it just happens as a thought. But sometimes, something triggers my thoughts.

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts and well I’ve started to notice that it’s making me less likely to do stuff I wanted to do or just to do anything at all.

I am for once getting in to a unstable state of mind.

It could be that I am drained from watching my other grandma for the past month and a half, or that I feel like I’m being RUSHED to do something people expect me to do.

I don’t know if what I’m thinking about doing is the right choice.

I’m not sure if I’m important to people anymore. I feel like an expendable. Do people even care about me enough to understand how I feel? Do people know me enough to tell me, they know me? Do people really know who I am?

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m joking about dying or not. It sometimes feels like it’d be better if I can somehow die and be forgotten.

None of these feelings are new, perhaps maybe thinking that death is a fiscally better and logical option might be something a little more new.

I don’t know any more at times. My feelings tend to fluctuate daily and I have days where I’m a little better off then most lol

It’s probably also this bad because jet lag and some stuff making me really anxious??

I dunno but since I was getting distracted, I have no idea what I wanted to type by the time I got to this point. But I’ll end off with something—

I’ve always felt pretty meh about life. Perhaps MAYBE due to ADHD, it may influence my own ability to stay emotionally attached/devoted for too long. It’s almost like feeling you’re both half full and half empty when I’m not feeling anything really. But I guess it was better than the me before I turned 20.

Perhaps that’s just me. I haven’t been feeling like... myself.

It’s a little hard to explain, but what else can I do than to wait it out?

I never experience a feeling for long anyways lol

My days have been feeling kinda dreadful and tiring. Idk if I can keep up with people in general anymore.

This is probably what I get for being who I am.