#ive never felt like. truly happy. or even positive for a long period of time.

[miamicommune]

.

[oraclekleo]

Choi Youngmin (E'LAST) Ideal Partner Tarot Reading

Disclaimer:

All readings have purely entertainment nature

I don’t know any of the celebrities personally

Don’t base life decisions purely on tarot readings

I can never guarantee any of what’s said in the reading

Before requesting, read the pinned post and appropriate linked post

Tarot readings are my hobby - I’m not obligated to accept any of the requests nor to complete them, it’s my choice, not duty

Waiting time is long, even several months

If you can’t wait, please, seek other tarot reader

Reading Info:

Rating: 18+

Reading Type: Single - Couple

Requested: Yes - No

Requester:

Deck: The Phantomwise Tarot

Spread: Ideal Partner

Questions:

Body 

Heart 

Spirit 

Soul 

Time 

Place

Celebrity Info:

Full Name: Choi Youngmin

Stage Name: Romin

Group: E’LAST

DOB: 24.04.2001

Blood Type: A

MBTI: ISTP

Sun Sign: Taurus

Chinese Sign: Metal Snake

Life Path Number: 4

Masterpost: E'LAST

Ko-fi - Voluntary Tip for Readings

Choi Youngmin

Romin (E’LAST) - Ideal Partner

DOB: 24.04.2001 Blood Type: A MBTI: ISTP Sun Sign: Taurus Chinese Sign: Metal Snake Life Path Number: 4

Spread / Question: Ideal Partner

Deck(s): The Phantomwise Tarot

Body - 6 of Swords

Romin’s ideal partner might have gone through a period of time when they were body shamed or they themselves didn’t love their appearance. That’s shifting to more positive self-acceptance now as they start to recognize their own beauty. It’s possible for them to start trying new fashion styles in order to find what suits them the best. They still prefer to keep this transition to themselves, though, not really sharing with others as they are still a little anxious about their looks.

Heart - 3 of Swords

The body image was clearly damaged by someone who also broke Romin’s perfect match’s heart in the past. Maybe they have been through toxic or abusive relationships in the past. No matter the details, their heart is still aching and bleeding but they are aware that the past is over and it’s time to start healing. Romin is probably a patient type of man who can take things slow and help them to reconcile and let go of the past and start trusting people again.

Spirit - XX Judgement

The whole reading speaks of transition and transformation and the spirit of Romin’s special person is no different from that. They are clearly ready to uplift themselves spiritually and let go of what used to weigh them down. They are ready to give their final verdict over the past and release it in order to be reborn anew. I can see a self-esteem boost coming to them, maybe in the form of someone (Romin) to love them unconditionally and the way they truly are.

Soul - XIV Temperance

Deep down in their soul, Romin’s perfect match has found their equilibrium. They have balanced themselves and set up happy mediums in their soul. They found the compromises in order to hold themselves whole and grounded even through the tough times. While treated not nicely, their soul remained intact and unharmed by the outside forces as they always felt the peace and calm deep down.

Time - X The Wheel of Fortune

Meeting his destined lover can be a rather hypnotising experience for Romin. They don’t have to be outstandingly beautiful or impressive in an obvious way, it’s more like a harmony of souls meeting up, the glance into each other’s eyes revealing the divine connection happening by lucky chance.

Place - IV The Emperor

Romin is likely to create a highly safe and secure home for his lover in order to give them a feeling of utter comfort. He might be the one running the home, asserting his dominance and being the master of the show but at the same time, he has the best intentions in mind and creates a true cradle and solid base for them to thrive and develop further. It’s likely Romin’s home is going to be structured and in perfect shape as he’s not really the type to tolerate clutter and mess.

Thank you for reading!

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[thegetoufather]

Ah sorry I don't usually do this but I wanted to ask some advice. I'm 18 and no one has ever liked me. Of course guys have wanted to have sex y'know but not be with me. I'm in college now for two months and I still haven't met the one, or any potential for that matter. I'm so sad about it, I know it's dumb but I always expected I would have some whirlwind romance in high school like in the movies, even most of my friends are currently with or have been with someone. I try not to be too upset about it because people always say I'm so young and I have time, but I feel like there's something wrong with me? Media makes it seem that girls can get anyone so easy but it hasn't happened so I started to think I'm really unattractive but I felt like I was just average looking. Sometimes I feel like I'll be one of those people that just never experiences love in their life. Idk I always get upset about this at 3 am maybe its the anxiety talking

hi bby!! i hope you dont mind that this is late i just wanted to give some thought to my response!

under a read more because i wrote a lot lmao

first off, lemme just say, im 22 in your exact same position. im done with college (undergrad at least) and never met 'the one', and with the way grad school is going, i dont think i'll meet the one here either.

and you know what, it took me a long ass time to reconcile with this but, that's completely ok!!

its hard as hell to keep believing that when everything around us, whether it be social media or movies, promotes the idea that we should be boo'd up now but, one thing that i keep telling myself is that just because it hasn't happened now, doesn't mean it will happen never, ya know?

another thing is that, immediate attraction has always been conflated with romance, when it honestly isn't always the case! i think with everything around us we get tricked into thinking that if we are immediately attractive to others we are loved, which is far from the case. most immediate attraction is shallow and based off of looks, which does not bode well in terms of long lasting stuff either, ya know? to get personal, im never the person that guys go after immediately when out with my friends, ive even been passed over right in front of me once someone saw my other friend, and while that did sting, it reflects more poorly on him for being so open about being shallow.

im sure you are far from unattractive! everyone on this earth has something that makes people gravitate towards them, and even if you don’t believe it, you do. 

someone not liking us is a reflection of them, not a reflection of who we are.

and another thing — its ok to be sad about it! its not dumb at all, its ok to want a relationship and yearn for that companionship. i think when we get to that point we want things that are the real deal so our filters of what we want from people increase — and in a world where hookup culture kinda created people who lie for sex, we start seeing even less and less potential amongst the bullshit we are surrounded by.

if this essay beforehand seemed more like me being a psychiatrist than advice i am sorry, ill say some more direct things that helped me now but, im gonna start by saying this: theres absolutely nothing wrong with you. we are all deserving of love, and if you truly want a companion, you will find it someday, that much is true.

im not gonna say you need to love yourself before someone else can love you bc thats not true either because we deserve love even in our low moments,

but what i am gonna say is what helped me through the periods of being alone is learning more about me and what keeps me happy. learning how to i deserve to be treated and treating myself on my own to those things. once i started doing that, being alone became easier because i had a clearer picture of what i wanted and knew that im setting forth the example of how i will be treated — and instantly started attracting people who were better for me as friends and so on.

and i have my off days too! i dont love myself all the time either, and i light my dumb lil candles in hope of an irl jean/eren to swoop and kiss me silly to make the pain go away. but its important to remember that it isnt forever.

you’ll find what you’re looking for someday, and dont settle for anything less. i wish you good luck nonnie, i hope this helps <3.

[dripkingpetey]

love-e.pettersson

ive been working on this for a few days and im kinda proud of it! would love some feedback from you or requests for other story lines, i promise i’ll stop doing the friends to lovers storylines haha. i also accidentally deleted this and i was so sacred i couldnt get it back but here it is! i hope you enjoy.

*lowercase intended!*

2.2k words

he loves you, you know that right?

“why did you drag me here, i really don’t like hockey and you know that.” you said as you sighed to your bestfriend lucie while she pulls you down to your seats in rogers arena. 

“i know you don’t.” lucie said with a bright smile on her face. “but, you’re gonna learn to like it.” you look at her in confusion. “so, this is your way of torturing me as if you don’t already torture me enough by bringing me to parties.” you said while sitting down and looking at the players who are starting to get on the ice. “maybe.” lucie said with a wide grin and a mischievous look on her face before puck drop starts.

you’ve never been big on hockey, which is surprising considering you have lived in vancouver your whole life and your family is super big hockey fans. you also aren't the most extroverted person. sure, you’d go out to bars sometimes but mostly just with your close friends.

“what part of this sport do you even like?” you said as the game is going into the third period the canucks are now up 4-1 against the opposing team which you don’t even really know who they are. “well, if I’m being honest some of them are really hot but mostly cause of the sport.” you scoffed at her response. “none of them are hot from where i can see.” lucie looked at you with a shocked look. “oh you’ll get it once you get to know the players more.” you give her a confused look and put your full attention back to the game.

-

canucks ended up winning the game 5-2, lucie was very happy about it and you could tell cause she wanted to go out for a couple drinks and you didn’t want to say no so you agreed to go.

you had been at the bar for about twenty minutes and lucie was already gone which isn’t surprising, she was probably sleeping with some guy right now.

you started to panic a little when a creepy old dude came up to you and started hitting on you. “hey pretty girl, want to come home with me?” he started putting his hand on your arm which was resting on the table. you look around for lucie in panic but she’s no where to be found. 

you then feel a pair of arms sneak around your waist and you get even more freaked out. 

“hey babe, sorry i was gone for so long.” elias says to you with a smile but then proceeds to give the creepy dude the alien death stare which worked. after the dude leaves elias faces you and starts speaking. “sorry i touched you like that, it looked like you were alone and that guy was creeping you out so i thought you could use some help.” he shoots an apologetic smile at you. 

“its okay,” you give him a smile back. “thank you a lot actually, i have no idea where my friend went.” you take another look around the bar before looking back and him. 

“i’m elias by the way.” he smiles at you while holding his hand out for you to shake it. “y/n.” you say before shaking his hand. 

“so elias, what are you doing in this bar on a thursday night?” you gesture for him to sit down next to you. “if i told you, you wouldn’t believe me.” elias lets out a soft laugh while sitting down across from you. “tell me, i wanna know.” elias sighs lightly before he starts speaking again. “i’m with them,” he gestures over to brock, jake, quinn, thatcher and troy. you look over to see them all waving at you and laughing at elias, you laugh softly and wave back at the before turning your attention back to elias. “ah, so i’m guessing you’re on the canucks?”

elias lets out a nervous laugh. “yeah, why don’t we go somewhere else where the boys aren’t up my ass?” you take another sip out of your drink. “i would love to.” he holds out his hand for you and as you guys walk out you can hear the guys chirping, but when you look over to elias you can see him giving the death stare to the boys and it makes you laugh. “you have a scary death stare jeez.” elias leads you to his car. “that’s surprisingly what the fans love me for.” he smiles at you before opening the car 

door for you.

-

“…and that’s all what led me to being on the canucks.” elias said to you while eating a chip out of the chip bowl you had prepared. it had been a couple hours since you guys left the bar and went back to your apartment, you don’t know why but it felt like you and elias had such a strong bond already that you both felt like you can talk for hours and hours and never get tired of each other, he felt the same way too. “jeez, i kinda sound like a douche. i’ve been talking about myself all night, please tell me more about you.” elias said to you while you laughed at his words. 

“it’s all good, i’ve been the one asking questions anyways.” you smiled while responding to him. “no seriously, tell me something about you before i have to go which i really don’t want to by the way.” 

you look at the time and realize its almost twelve am so you proceed to give him a quick response. “well, i’ve lived in vancouver my whole life. and i’m currently going to ubc as a nursing student.” you smiled at his now very amused face. 

“see, that’s something i wouldn’t have known if you didn’t say it,” he laughs a little before he finishes his sentence. “can i get your number? i have practice early tomorrow morning but i’m free for the rest of the day if you want to hang out.” 

you smile at his words and take his phone from him. “of course you can, i’m free tomorrow too just give me a call.” you said while handing his phone back to him after you’ve entered your number. elias gives you a wide grin and you both get up so you could walk him to the door. “goodnight elias.” you look up at him with a smile as he’s standing in the doorway. “goodnight y/n, sweet dreams.” he said and then started to walk down the hallway towards the elevator. “pettersson!” you called out at him and he turns around confused. “text me when you get home.” he gives you the thumbs up and you close your door and head to bed. 

no ones ever shown this much attention to elias before, at least no one he’s truly cared about. 

he smiled to himself on his drive home cause he was excited to text you again.

*contact name changed to “y/n<3”* 

text message to y/n<3:i just got home, thank you for the awesome night :).

-

it’s been a couple weeks since you and elias had met at the bar, you basically hung out with each other anytime you could. 

you were each others best friends at this point, sure the guys would make fun of elias for being in love with you but you couldn’t see it, elias knows he has some feelings for you but he wasn’t sure about it yet. he also didn’t want to risk the amazing friendship you guys had started.

“hey, are you coming to the game tonight?” elias asked over the phone to you.

you let out a sigh before you start speaking. “i’ll try, schools been really hard lately but i should be able to finish studying tonight.” elias could hear the tiredness in you voice and it hurt him to see you like this. “y/n, its okay. you don’t have to try and make it, focus on school its way important. you have many more games of mine that you can watch.” he left out a soft chuckle at the end of his sentence. 

“i’ll still try though, i’ll give you a text if i can make it.” you said to him as you looked at the last large text book you had to read through and look at the giant pile of coffee cups surrounding your desk. 

“okay, love you, i gotta go.” “love you too e, good luck.” you both quickly exchanged goodbyes as you started reading your last text book. you knew there was no way you were going to be able to make it to his game tonight and you felt really bad, you sighed it off as you put your attention back to studying and occasionally looking at the canucks game that was now playing on your tv.

-

the game had ended, canucks lost by one but petey is a sore loser so obviously he was sad, which made him show up at your apartment, he brought pizza from your favourite place downtown.

you were passed out on the couch though, which resulted in elias having to pull out his spare key and sneaking into your apartment.

“elias?” you mumbled out as you felt him sit next to where you were laying on the couch, he motioned for you to lay you head on his lap and you did.

“hey sleepy girl, i brought our favourite pizza.” he said to you with a smile. no matter how bad of a day elias was having, you could always make him smile.

you positioned your head so you’re now facing up at him and you give him a big smile. “thank you, can we snuggle and watch a movie?” elias starts rubbing your cheek softly. “of course we can y/n.”

the night ended with you and elias falling asleep on the couch together while watching a movie he had picked out, you both forgot about all the stress from today and just enjoyed the moment.

-

“he loves you, you know that right?” brock said to you as he came by and sat next to you.

it was the start of summer, tanev decided to host a little barbecue for the whole team before everyone left vancouver and went back to their home towns for the summer.

you were sitting in the backyard watching elias talk to huggy. “what?” you said to brock with confusion. “no he doesn’t.”

brock scoffed at your response. “dude, you can’t be serious. how do you not see it.”

you thought about what brock said for awhile before you gave him a response. “does he talk about me?” you looked at brock while taking a sip of your drink. 

“does he talk about you? of course he fucking does y/n, all the time. especially when you don’t show up to our games, it’s worse when we’re on the road.” 

you smile to yourself at what brock said.

-

you were quite tipsy by the end of the night and elias didn’t want to let you go home alone, so you spent the night at his place.

“elias?” you said in your sweet drunken tone as you both settled into his bed, and you faced your body in his direction. 

“yes?” he said while playing with your hair softly. 

“brock said something to me earlier,” you said while pulling your body close to his.

 “of course he did,” he said with a sigh. “what’d he say this time?” 

“apparently you talk about me a lot?” you said with a soft laugh and your fingers now tracing up and down his back.

“yeah, yeah i do. i talk shit about you all the time.” he says sarcastically knowing where this conversation was going.

“hey!” you said as you playfully punched him. “i was going to do something but i guess not anymore.” you said with a huff.

he lifts your chin up to face him. before you knew it you guys were kissing each other, it was a soft, long and sweet kiss.

elias pulled away with a big grin on his face and you did too. you talked to each other for the rest of the night, you ended up falling asleep before elias did but he did too shortly after.

you woke up to the smell of elias making waffles, you hugged him from behind and he didn’t even notice you were awake until you did that.

“it smells really good,” you said to elias before kissing his cheek and begging for him to hug you. 

he pulls you into his grip and whispers in your ear. “do you wanna go to sweden with me for the summer?”

you look up at him with slight shock. “yeah, why not.” you said to him with a smile and he gets very excited and spins you around, you kiss for awhile until you smell something burning and you pull away.

“shit.” elias mumbles as he deals with the burnt waffles and you’re both laughing your asses off.

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

You said we can ask you questions so here goes( hope they arent invasive)

-at what age did u realise u were lesbian?was it easy/hard to accept?

-how was your coming out like? How did your family and friends react?

-were you ever/are you religious?do u believe one can balance between being homosexual and religious?

- were you always masc or is it something that came with accepting your sexuality?

-do you call yourself a stud?

- how hard/easy has it been being an out and proud black lesbian?

- thoughts on the stigma against stud4stud/butch4butch lesbians

-were you ever a TRA/libfem? If yes, what made you peak?

-ive had ppl talk about how masc lesbians being touch-me-nots is problematic/toxic and how its more about upholding a "status" than it is about preference. What do you make of that?

Not invasive at all! I'm happy to answer and thank you for asking :).

- I realized I was a lesbian at age 12 when I developed a HUGE crush on my gorgeous English teacher. I also got a small crush on a girl in one of my classes. I didn't grow up around much homophobia so it wasn't hard for me to accept that I was gay but what was hard was the absolute intensity of my feelings towards my teacher. I used to pray to god to have my feelings for her taken away because they were just so intense and I didn't know how to handle them (she was my teacher so I clearly wasn't going to ask her out. There was literally no outlet for what I was feeling so I kept it bottled.). My parents never brought up gay people in any positive or negative way and the kids I grew up around didn't really either. So me being gay wasn't something I beat myself up over. Once I accepted that I wasn't an overly invested straight ally, the road to acceptance was a peace of cake tbh.

-My coming out was... Well. I first started coming out to my friends when I was 13 and they were accepting of it. It honestly wasn't that interesting to tell you the truth 😅. All the peers that I gave a shit about never gave me shit for being gay. I never lost a friend for being gay. Coming out to my parents took me until I was 16 and the reason for that is because I genuinely didn't know how they'd react. Like I said, they never said anything about gay people point blank period. However, I was kind of forced to come out one particular night because my heart had been fucking shattered by a girl I was strongly crushing on at the time. I was pacing up and down my house, my best friend wasn't answering me, I could hear my dad's TV playing, it was late, I was tired, I couldn't sleep, I had school tomorrow, I was freaking out, I was devastated... I wanted to be comforted so I went to my father, threw my head into his arm and started telling him how my heart felt broken. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and when I said "nope" there was some silence and he was like "it's okay, I've known for a long time". I never actually said the words "gay" or "lesbian" during my coming out but I guess I didn't need to. The next morning, my father asked if it was okay if he could go tell my mom and I said yes. Long story short, my mom was even less surprised than my dad and she's the more progressive of the two so it wasn't really an issue (though she did tell me to keep an open mind in terms of liking men 😅 she seems to think I'm bisexual which is whatever because she never bothers me about it).

-Hmm. I don't like to completely cut out religion from my life. My father was extremely religious and now that he's gone, I feel it's disrespectful for me to say God doesn't exist. Like, "dad, you spent practically your whole life believing wholeheartedly in God but guess what! It was a waste and the thing you dedicated your life is something I think is a fairytale!" that doesn't sit right with me at all. I've been baptized and I used to go to church when I was younger. I think that there's no reason to shake my head at the possibility of a God. In terms of being gay and believing in God, I once watched a video by a devout Christian gay man who went through all the homophobic stuff Christians love to quote from the bible and gave the actual meaning behind them. I, personally, do not think that God is homophobic. I think that God's love is not something we have the capacity to understand. So, I, personally, think Christian gay people are perfectly fine and are already balanced. Here's to hoping that they stay away from homophobic churches!

-No, I wasn't always masc. As a child I was a huge girly girl. Like, legit, I wasn't a tomboy in the slightest lmao. I'm not sure when I started being masc. But what I do know is that I've grown far more masc over the years. I used to not want to dress too manly (no tuxedo's and no clothes from the men's section and no boxers) but nowadays I love all of those things and that's genuinely what I want in my wardrobe so I have no problem going into the men's section for my clothes.

-No, I don't call myself a stud. Love those guys though. The label I feel that's most accurate for me is masc.

-Um, I'm not sure how to answer this since I don't have experience being any other kind of lesbian. I guess it's just kind of tiring. I'm black, female, and homosexual. That's a LOT of different topics to give my attention to. The hardest part of being a black lesbian is knowing who to give my camaraderie to. Do I give it to black women? Black women AND black men? Lesbians? Only black lesbians? The lgb community as a whole? It's just a lot to think about. I will say, though, I think that it's a lot harder to be a masc black lesbian than a white one. Black women are already perceived as manly just based off of our skin color. So for me to willingly present masc can often be... A non-pretty picture in the eyes of society and I'm hyper-aware of that which is why I often have trouble going all out with the wardrobe I truly desire. That's my biggest challenge navigating the world as the black lesbian that I am. On a more positive note though, it's great being a black lesbian because I can have an opinion on everything and nobody can tell me I'm being racist/homophobic/sexist or stepping outside of my lane 😂. I'm on a three-lane road motherfucker and I'm not afraid to use all of them.

-my thoughts are that you should leave people alone. I will say though, I once read something that was like "if you call yourself a femme but the idea of being with a butch disgusts you, you're not a femme, you're just a feminine lesbian" and that rang true to me so it feels hypothetical (and nonsensical) if the reverse wasn't true as well. If a butch/stud shits on femmes and assumes they can't be as feminine as they are and ACTUALLY gay then I do have a problem. Butches and femmes have a history that's damn near inseparable from each other so for a butch to shit on femmes... I'd argue that they're probably not butch but instead just masculine lesbians. However, I don't care if two butches or studs want to date lmao. All the power to them, I hope they're happy.

-I definitely used to support trans rights more than I do now. I would correct people who misgendered others. I thought trans women were women. I was in support of bathroom laws. I never made posts about it, but I very much did believe it. Magdalen berns made me peak. I started realizing that gender makes no sense. I did some research and came to the conclusions I hold today. Even when I want to go back to my ignorance, I can't because I've seen too much by now.

-I honestly don't know. I think that some masc lesbians don't want to be put in that "feminine" position of being touched by their partner. It could stem from upholding a status but at the end of the day, sexual boundaries are sexual boundaries. What are you gonna do? Force your touch on to them? Yikes. Leave them be. If you're upset about your partner not wanting to be touched by you then get a new one. Clearly you're not sexually happy so leave. I don't think it's necessarily toxic unless they think there's something inherently demeaning in being touched by their partner or they do want to be touched but won't allow themselves due to trauma or feeling like there's a certain persona they must uplift. Other than that though, I don't see the issue.

Thanks for the questions, buddy ❤️

[madisonrooney]

hi it's your secret santa! first of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! i hope you have a wonderful day! how are you celebrating, if you are at all? safely, i hope! either way i hope you manage to find a way to have a great day full of love!! consider my christmas gift a belated birthday gift as well lol. anyway i loved reading your last answer, it was so thoughtful and sweet. i realized after reading that i barely know anything about dove lol so follow up q: what about dove makes you love her so much?

sorry for the late response! the last couple days have been v busy and ive been super tired and dissociative on top of it so i made a point to save this bc i wanted to give it my full attention!

first of all thank you!! i was going to do a virtual meet and greet with one of my favs from jersey boys but he got confused about timezones so we rescheduled but were doing it next week! then i went to a virtual walt disney family museum panel, had pizza for dinner and watched some liv and maddie, my mom made a cookie cake that we ate while watching the grinch musical, and then some friends and i watched the jersey boys movie together over skype!

im so glad you enjoyed reading my last answer! and oof thats another loaded question (i love it tho)

- like i said when first talking about what drew me to her and liv and maddie, a big thing is just how much passion and love she puts into her characters. ofc she puts passion into every character she plays, but its the passion she puts into characters like liv, maddie, and mal that means the most to me. that goes back to the fact that ive dealt with a lot of negativity directed towards me for enjoying disney channel, and then you have dove out here saying “yah im a teenager/twenty-something who not only respects what theyre doing on disney channel, but puts my all into it” not to mention she even won an emmy for playing liv and maddie in season 4! i hope that passion and talent has started to change the conversation about disney channel, and tbh i think it has at least a bit.  ofc, none of this is to say other people her age acting on disney channel arent talented and passionate, but idk, something about her has always stood out to me. i find her to be more animated and expressive than most. it can be hard for me to read emotions in live action movies and shows, so thats been really important for me. not to mention she was not only playing the lead but TWO lead characters on a four season show with distinct personalities but also subtle similarities. AND the main character in the biggest DCOM franchise in years for 5 years running now. PLUS the fact that there was a period where those were both happening at the same time. she was only 16 when she started all this and hadnt even had any big roles prior to it!! she had a lot of responsibility so it was amazing to see her not only pull it off, but excel at it.

- i just love like....her aesthetic?? shes always seemed to be a very old soul to me, into old jazz music and poetry and stuff like that. its just very charming. and for her to have that aesthetic on top of being a disney channel actress is a fascinating juxtaposition.

- this is kind of sappy and it gets tiring to hear it said over and over again but that doesnt mean it isnt true: i love how transparent she is about her struggles with mental health issues, trauma, and such. she has been for a long time but even more so over the last year or two. no shade to anyone else, but a lot of actors dont really give you a look into their personal lives, they just share and promote their product. im not saying theres anything wrong with that, its good to know what youre comfortable sharing, ive just felt all the more close to her with her being as open as she is, especially as someone who has gone through trauma myself, albeit different from hers.

- kind of connected to that, i love how important spreading kindness, positivity, and love is to her. thats another thing thats been said a million times but still, its very important to me.

for example. she’ll randomly tweet things like “i love you” a lot. im one to always think of the thought process that goes on behind whatever someone posts, texts, etc., bc personally i put a lot of a thought into pretty much anything i say or do before i put it out there publicly, probably bc of my social anxiety. even tho its a simple statement and takes her a couple seconds to post, she still had to have the thought “i want to remind my fans that theyre loved” or something along those lines. and she has this thought FREQUENTLY. to just randomly get a notification every few days or weeks or so of her saying something like that is just very heartwarming to me.

the reason i connected with miley so much when she helped me through my initial trauma was bc it felt like even if no one loved me, she loves her fans, thus she loves me. thus the person i love and admire the most loves me. even if its only one person, it can be enough. it was for me at the time. i feel that same way with dove. when she came into my life, i didn’t feel as unloved, but her love was still helpful to me.

- of course i need to specifically talk about her kindness in person too. dont get me wrong (ive been saying that a lot havent i lol), i totally and completely loved her long before i met her, but naturally, i love her 10x more after the experiences ive had getting to know her in person.

i could go ONNNNNNN about the experiences ive had with her, and i have lol, and if you already heard me ramble about this in the server i apologize, but the most important thing ive taken away from every encounter ive had with her is this: she always goes the extra mile. she always goes out of her way to make people feel special. what i mean by that is she could say/do HALF as much as she has when meeting me and i would still leave over the moon feeling loved. you can tell she does this in excess bc she really truly means it and cares about people like me, she doesnt have any kind of ulterior motive and isnt just going through the motions doing whats asked of her, she simply cares about me and the rest of her fans. some examples - the first time we met, i was sobbing (lol) and she hugged me for a really long time, rocking me back and forth, brushing my hair with her thumb, calling me sweetheart and honey. she even started to tear up a bit herself. - a couple months later, i went to my first liv and maddie taping. i was preparing to reintroduce myself (i looked a little different bc id been cosplaying as maddie the first time i met her) and ofc when preparing myself, i fantasized pretty heavily as i usually do and pictured myself showing her the pic of us on my phone, her gasping, jumping out of her chair screaming, and hugging me, thinking that was probably way more than i was gonna get. that is EXACTLY what happened. then she went on to tell me how my costume made her whole weekend. things like this would continue to happen where i would set the bar impossibly high and not only would she meet it but she’d exceed it. - our usual interaction from there on would start with her face lighting up when she saw me, her calling me some kind of cute name like love or baby, and then hugging me without me even having to initiate it. - when i saw her in mamma mia, i didnt know when id be seeing her again afterwards after pretty consistently getting to see her for 2 years, so i wanted to make sure we got some kind of closure. at the stage door, i reminded her how much she meant to me and just expected like an “aww i love you too” or something back, but she said “you are an angel in my life” and i will never forget that. obvs, i havent told her ALL the details about what she and her characters mean to me but like...she can tell. she can tell if im in a homemade maddie costume sobbing into her arms that theres something there, and shes VERY appreciative of that. - i thankfully got to see her at a meet and greet a few months later and every time i thought i should get going cuz i didnt want to hold the line up, she would just open her arms for another hug. speaking of being appreciative, she even said “thank you for being such a supportive fan.” as i left, i turned around to say one last goodbye. i made sure she wasnt with the next fan yet and yelled out “bye!” and she yelled back “I LOVE YOU!!” and blew me a kiss. again, its the little things. - i saw her at a small panel in new york a few months after that. she walked in the room when the lights were down as they were playing a clip, she quietly waved hi to everyone, then saw me and loudly whispered HI BABY!!! and stopped on her way to the stage to give me a hug. (then she looked at me from the stage and asked which way i thought she should cross her legs for the interview lol) - sometimes when she sees im next in line, shell give me a knowing smile or whisper “hi baby!!” or something like that. she saw me in the crowd after clueless and seemed to make a point to come to me last bc she knew wed be talking for a while, which we did. she even told me she’d seen me in the audience, asking if i was in the front on the left, which i was.

even all that is still just scratching the surface. weve “known” each other for 5 years now and every time i think she’s done the most she can do, she outdoes herself again. not to mention when im at these events, i see her treat all the fans she meets with all of that kindness too. naturally all of this has made me love her all the more.

- finally, lets just be honest here..........................shes REALLY fucking hot.

[too-kinky-to-live]

drug

creative title ik

tbh i think this came out way longer than it should have, felt like i was just rambling on i couldnt help myself lmao

anyway, here’s an oum.asai stuffing fic i’ve been working on and off on since... october 2019. jesus christ. also this is my first time ever posting a fic online, meaning ive never had anyone read my stories before o.o so criticism is welcome! (and if its good enough i might post it on ao3)

Ouma learned an important lesson that day: never take unknown substances from Iruma’s lab. 

In hindsight, he really should have seen this coming. A lone piece of candy sitting on a desk should have looked more suspicious than it had. Still, Ouma had to fulfill his self-proclaimed duty of messing with Iruma’s stuff, popping the blue oval-shaped candy in his mouth and swallowing it without a second thought. 

Skipping cheerfully through the halls to find his next prank victim, Ouma licked his lips of the tasty raspberry flavor. If Iruma was such a great inventor, surely she could make a machine to generate a bunch of sweets for him to steal. His mind raced with the images of cakes and brownies, and his mouth slightly salivating at the thought. 

What the hell? 

Ouma stopped in his tracks. He had never thought about food so strongly before, what was with him today? Before he could dwell on it further, a searing pain tore through his stomach. Ouma doubled over onto his knees, clutching his middle and hissing in pain. Only one word ran through his head.

Hunger. 

Going long periods of time without food was nothing new to Ouma, due to his poor upbringing. He should be used to an empty stomach, but damn. This was on a whole new level. Giving in to his hunger, he made a beeline to the dining hall, praying that no one was there to see the Supreme Leader shaking like a leaf. 

Ouma hastily grabbed onto the chairs as he inched his way to the kitchen. If anyone were in the room, they’d describe Ouma’s gaze of the fridge as predatory. Ouma raised a shaky hand to the door handle and swung it open to reveal a smorgasbord of delicacies. 

Chicken, steak, pasta, pies, cakes, soup… Ouma had never seen so much food in one place!

Licking his lips to clean up the drool forming, Ouma grabbed a bunch of plastic containers of meat and pasta and shoved them into nearby microwaves. Of course, his stomach wasn’t willing to wait around for that. A roar from his belly forced him to swipe a strawberry shortcake from the fridge. Ouma plopped himself on the floor and ravenously dug in, scooping up handfuls and shoving them into his gaping maw. The Supreme Leader moaned in ecstasy, tasting the sugary sweet confection. 

Even if he wasn’t alone, he couldn’t muffle his absolute bliss. And within ten seconds flat, Ouma was already lifting the last glob of cake above his mouth, dropping it in and making it history with a single gulp. 

The microwaves dinged in unison to reveal the next courses. Under any normal circumstances, Ouma would be bouncing off the walls from a sugar high. Strangely, though, his mind only repeated one command to the rest of his body: eat. Eat, eat some more, and then eat some more after that. Even his stomach seemed to agree, despite the fact it was pushing against his uniform. 

Soon enough, the only noises that could be heard were gulping, slurping, munching, and moaning from a happy Ouma. His cheeks became perpetually bulged as he kept himself busy chewing on whatever he could get his hands on. 

“Mmmmph… ‘sho good…” he moaned through a mouthful of pasta, before sending it down with an audible gulp. The tightness of his uniform didn’t hit him until he felt a shirt button pop off, giving him a brief release from the pressure. The satisfying pop snapped Ouma out of his stupor, and when he looked down at himself…

Holy shit.

Was that beach ball-shaped thing his stomach? He curiously placed a hand on top, feeling the mass of food churn busily within him. The small, skinny leader never would have imagined himself with a bloated belly, and yet, it was oh so satisfying. His muscles lost their tension and Ouma allowed himself to relax into the sensation, rubbing his swollen tummy gingerly. It was only fitting for someone in his position to be treated to a feast - why didn’t he think of this earlier? 

He glanced over at the open fridge to see it almost empty. Like the light at the end of the tunnel, his greedy gaze settled on a large 2 liter bottle of Panta. Or, according to Ouma, the elixir of the gods. It took a bit of effort to turn his body sporting extra weight over to the bottle; but for Panta, any amount of pain was worth it. He slowly grabbed the bottle and unscrewed the cap, licking his lips eagerly. After a king-sized feast like this, it was only natural to wash it all down with his favorite drink. 

Bringing the bottle to his lips, he proceeded to chug the whole thing. His neck bobbed with the intake, and his belly was steadily expanding for the new content. More buttons began to pop off his shirt until his bare tummy was exposed for the world to see, in all its distended glory. 

Slowly but surely, the bottle’s contents were drained down the gluttonous leader’s gullet. As if to emphasize his triumph, he made sure he was as loud as possible with each swallow. 

Finally, he separated himself from the empty bottle and nonchalantly tossed it aside. Ouma breathed a heavy sigh of relief and lightly patted his belly. 

“Ooooof, that hit the spot.” 

Suddenly, his insides began to bubble and churn, his stomach gurgling in protest. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea… Ouma felt a pressure rise to his mouth, and he swiftly brought a hand to cover it, but he was powerless to stop what came out. 

“Huuuuuurrrrrp!” 

Ah, that was much better. He glanced down to see his stomach reaching his knees, and his bellybutton completely flat. Ouma remained on the floor in a daze, massaging his tummy to coax more belches out of it. Carefully, he eased himself to lay down on the floor, the movement causing a sharp hic! to escape. 

This was by far the best day he’d ever had at this crappy school. Surely no one needed to use the kitchen… 

“Screw ‘em,” he breathed. “It’s time for a nice nap…” 

Saihara waved goodbye to Kaito as he left the dorms. Looking at his Monopad, it seemed he still had some free time left. His thoughts immediately drifted to Ouma, wondering what the rambunctious little leader did in his spare time. He did mention having a tea party with me once, maybe now is a good time? Saihara thought. Seeing Ouma’s icon in the dining hall, perhaps the leader had the same thought?

Saihara quietly made his way into the dining hall, only to find it completely empty. Ouma couldn’t have known he was coming, where is he? His thought was broken when he heard what sounded like… snoring coming from the kitchen. Saihara could only raise an eyebrow. His detective instincts kicked in as he reached for the door handle. 

Nothing could prepare him for what he was about to witness.

The elusive Supreme Leader was sprawled out on his back, limbs spread out and hair an even bigger mess than usual. His soft snores broke the silence of the kitchen, his mouth agape with a variety of food smears surrounding it. Around his body were copious amounts of bones, crumbs, sauce, and plastic scattered around his slumbering form. By far the most striking sight, however, was his stomach. 

Saihara’s eyes widened as they spotted the round mass. The tip was a bright red, a stark contrast to Ouma’s pale skin. Saihara found himself stepping towards it, unable to resist the allure. He had no idea how appealing this sort of thing was, but seeing the malnourished boy so well-fed… it was truly beautiful. An unsteady hand reached out to caress the orb, and as soon as he made contact with it, he couldn’t help but rub a little. Ouma’s breath hitched slightly, before relaxing with a contented smile. The boy’s smile was always contagious to Saihara, and this was no different. 

He could only imagine what Ouma looked like gorging himself on hearty meals, Lord knows he deserved it. Saihara had to wonder why the boy would do this in the first place, though? The little leader never ate much around others, and Saihara certainly didn’t think he was the type to potentially expose himself like this. 

...Not that Saihara was complaining, though. 

Still, there were better places to nap than on the cold kitchen floor. In fear of making too much noise and waking up Ouma, Saihara opted to leave the mess and attempt to pick him up. “Attempt” being the keyword. The new weight attached to Ouma caused Saihara to grunt as he lifted the boy up in bridal-style. Kaito’s nightly training had definitely paid off. 

While walking back to the dorms, Saihara was treated to the noises of Ouma’s stomach as it busily churned with glurps and gurgles. Nobody was around, so… 

Saihara gave a quick peck to the boy’s belly. 

If Ouma woke up from that, Saihara would have dropped him in shock. But then, an even more terrifying thought crossed Saihara’s mind. What if Ouma was faking this whole thing? The boy would suddenly wake up and reveal a fake lump on top of his real stomach, and proceed to laugh at Saihara, calling him a freak. The very possibility made his heart sink. Ouma sure was dedicated to this prank, if it was one. 

Finally, Saihara reached the equally empty dorms. He made his way to Ouma’s door, and… didn’t open it. He felt as though he would betray Ouma’s trust by going into the boy’s room without permission. With how secretive the Supreme Leader was, access for his room felt like it had to be earned. And that’s just what Saihara was going to do. Turning around, he carried the boy to the other room. 

Saihara took extra care to lay the overstuffed boy onto the bed after closing the door behind them. He had no idea this sort of thing was appealing to him, but he wasn’t about to deny it. Seeing Ouma sleep so peacefully was making him tired, so he got dressed in his pajamas and laid down next to the boy.

Uuugghh….

Ouma sat up, rubbing his head with a groan. Why did he feel so… heavy? A quick glance at his midsection brought him out of his grogginess. His stomach was a doughy mound, peeking over his pants and out of the bottom of his shirt. He poked at it curiously and was met with a soft, jiggly texture. Ouma found himself blushing slightly. How the hell did he get like this? The last thing he could remember was eating a candy from Miu’s lab and- oh. Of course. That bitchlet probably drugged it.

Upon further inspection, his buttons on his jacket were completely absent. The leader’s blush only became deeper. Ouma took a moment to take in his surroundings. He was seated in a bed that was far too neat to be his, and this definitely wasn’t his dorm room. Oh, and Saihara-chan was asleep at his side. 

...Wait.

Ouma jumped back with a yelp, promptly waking Saihara up. The leader scrambled to pull his jacket over his tummy with little success, as a small part of it pooched out under. Sitting up, Saihara’s golden eyes darted to the concealed midsection, though it was no longer bloated like he had hoped. 

“Saihara-chan, how could you do this to me?! Wahhhhh!” the leader sobbed. This was his test to see if Saihara was behind his transformation, depending on how the detective reacted. 

Saihara faltered slightly, an expression of sympathy painted across his face. “I’m sorry Ouma-kun, I-I don’t have all the details, but I found you in the kitchen sleeping after your, um… lunch.” 

‘Lunch’ was definitely an understatement. Ouma wouldn’t be surprised if he somehow got a hold of everyone’s lunch, given how big he was now. From Saihara’s seemingly genuine response, he couldn’t discern any trace of a lie. The detective found the courage for an interrogation, as he finally broke away from staring at the lump.

“How did you manage to eat that much, Ouma-kun? There had to have been at least twenty containers open,” he pondered, bringing a hand to his chin. 

That was certainly the mystery. With his small stature, the leader didn’t have much of a capacity for food. Although, it was strange how big he still was even after a nap. Ouma had always been stick-thin due to his incredibly high metabolism, so why wasn’t it all digested by now? 

“I remember taking candy from that cum dumpster’s lab, and it made me so hungry! Like I could eat an entire horse! Maybe even two… Nishishishi!” 

The detective stared at him incredulously. “You took a candy. From Miu’s lab. Without knowing what it was.” 

Ouma shrugged. “I was bored. And I thought there was no way that whore would make something that’d kill me.” 

The smaller boy leaned back into the pillows, closing his eyes and resting his hands on his soft tummy. “Welp, at least I won’t have to eat dinner with you losers! I’m preeetty stuffed,” he sighed, giving his belly a light pat. 

Only one of them was relaxing, though. Saihara was shuddering at this weird feeling. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the boy peacefully resting on his bed, and with an adorable belly to boot. Maybe since his eyes were closed, he could sneak a brief rub in…

“You can go ahead and touch, Saihara-chan. I won’t judge you too much!” 

Ouma cracked open one eye halfway, smirking knowingly at the beet-red detective. Saihara gulped and moved his shaky hand over to the overstuffed boy. So warm… so soft… Saihara wanted to give it another kiss, but he highly doubted Ouma returned his feelings. He was probably only letting him do this so he could expose him to the rest of the students afterwards. The little leader seemed to notice Saihara’s hesitation, propping himself up on his elbows to face the taller boy. 

“You should feel honored to be this close to the body of the Supreme Leader of evil! And as your leader, I command you to give me a nice belly rub. Come on, Shumai, don’t be shy!” 

Well, who could resist an invitation like that? 

Saihara began to knead his hands delicately to the protruding belly, applying more pressure to the boy’s sides. This caused Ouma to let out a small burp, taking both boys by surprise. Saihara found that he liked the sound… more than he’d like to admit. Thus, he started rubbing more forcefully. Normally Ouma would call him out for yet another gross kink, but relieving the excess air from his stomach was far more satisfying. 

The detective continued to pamper the leader until he looked over to his wall clock. It was already 5 p.m.? He was getting pretty hungry, though he hated to leave the smaller boy like this. 

“Ouma-kun, I’d like to go get dinner if that’s okay. You don’t have to come, and I can bring my food back here if you’d like.” 

The purple-haired boy stared up at him with an unreadable expression. Without missing a beat, his face formed into a devilish smile. 

“Ohhhh, I see. You wanna get me more food to eat, huh? You want an even bigger stomach to rub? You really are kinky, Shumai! Nishishishi!” he snickered, putting his arms behind his head. 

Saihara almost choked. “T-That’s not it at all! I have to eat too, you know!” The detective may find the boy endearing, but his propensity to make things more difficult could only be handled so much. 

Ouma sat up slowly, taking great care to not upset his still-bloated belly. “No worries, Saihara-chan, I was lying earlier. I’ll come with you! But first, I gotta change into a new uniform.” 

Clutching his stomach, Ouma made his way to his room. At that moment, a thought came to Saihara’s mind. Would there even be food left? The kitchen was restocked daily due to Monokuma and his children. How often did they check for food? By now, he was certain that someone had seen the mess Ouma made. Saihara would hate to see his crush get in trouble for depriving everyone of one of Kirumi’s delectable meals. 

The leader soon returned to Saihara’s room with a new uniform that... wasn’t doing much to hide his indulgence. Anyone could see the apparent bulge under his jacket, almost threatening to pop off another button. Saihara could tell his belt wasn’t as tight as before either. Before he could make a comment, Ouma quickly grasped his hand and pulled him towards the dining hall. 

The two quietly made their way to the dining hall, only to see the group of fellow Ultimates arguing near the kitchen. 

“I bet it was one of those degenerate males who stole our food.”

“Gonta not do it! Gentlemen never steal!”

“I bet it was the Monokubs!”

Saihara poked his head through the doorway, trying to hide Kokichi’s body from the others. 

“Shuichi! You’re just in time!” Akamatsu’s cheery voice called. “We could really use your detective skills right about now.” 

The students collectively turned around with relief washing over them, knowing their local detective could put them at ease. Ouma, on the other hand, was trying his best to hide his belly behind his arms. Unfortunately for him, it was a futile effort.

“Who needs a detective when you have the gorgeous girl genius! I’ve already found our food thief!” A certain blonde proclaimed, followed by her hearty laughter. Everyone turned to Ouma who, to Saihara’s amazement, kept his face completely straight. Before he could react, Iruma jabbed her finger into the leader’s sensitive belly, causing his mask to break and cringe in pain. 

“What the hell, Ouma! This is a new low, even for you!” Kaito’s voice boomed. 

Maki gave her signature death glare. “I could always cut him open as punishment.”

Saihara didn’t think it was possible, but Ouma’s face got even paler at her threat. He couldn’t keep quiet any longer. 

“Everyone,” he cleared his throat, “I know we’re all upset at Ouma-kun. And… I know he pranks us a lot, but it’s always in good fun. Maybe he just got carried away with how good Kirumi’s food was. Ouma-kun told me that he would make it up to you guys by cooking for you guys tomorrow. Right, Ouma-kun?” 

Ouma was speechless. His beloved Saihara-chan was definitely a bad liar, just as he suspected. But, the respect he gained from his peers could maybe make this work. So, just for the hell of it, he decided to comply. 

“Of course, Saihara-chan! I’m gonna make a 5-star meal on my first try! I might even put Tojo-chan out of the job… Nishishishi!” 

The Ultimates murmured among themselves, but Saihara wasn’t listening. Of course, he already decided he would help with the cooking. 

But… he’d make sure there were leftovers for Ouma. 

Lots of leftovers.

[andythane]

M A R C H   4 T H 

i. 2009. 

He’s pretty sure it’s three in the morning. It’s not entirely clear -- Well, nothing really is right now -- and honestly, he doesn’t care much. Andy had gone on this Vegas trip with Rowan in the name of attending a medical conference with her, and the second it was over, they were on the strip. What comes next is to be expected, the two of them stumbling out of bars, clubs, casinos all night long, throwing back drinks without question. What happens in Vegas, right? He’s not sure where they are when they come across a neon-lit wedding chapel, open twenty-four hours and happy to marry whatever couple comes in. Andy’s too drunk to remember the full details of their conversation, but it went well enough for him and Rowan stumble in hand in hand, asking for the first Elvis they had available. This isn’t exactly spur of the moment — They’ve been engaged over a year by this point, just trying to wait until the time is right and they can plan the perfect ceremony. He’s sure if his Ma knew what was happening, she’d have a heart attack. They’re married in a quick ceremony, with Andy wearing an oversized suit coat and Rowan having a yellowing veil clipped to her hair. 

The next morning comes with an impressive hangover. They somehow made it back to their suite after their stop at the chapel -- Andy’s got a pounding headache and Rowan’s lipstick smeared across his cheek, half naked with his head leaning off the side of the bed. It takes a moment for him to realize he’s not at home in his bed, blinking until his eyes focus and he’s reminded of the night before. He remembers the conference, drinks at the hotel bar after, wandering the strip most of the night… Then the lights of the chapel come to mind, his eyes glancing down to his left hand, realizing their a plastic ring on his finger. For most, there’d be a wave of regret that comes with the new found discovery, panic following just as close — But for him… it makes sense. It’s unorthodox, sure, but the thought of being married to Rowan just feels right. Whether it’s a big ceremony or a shitty drive thru chapel. The panic doesn’t come, no regret or concern. Instead, he moves (slowly, mind the hangover) to lay next to her, pulling her in close to enjoy their first morning as a married couple.

ii. 2015.

They’re going to have a baby. They are going to have a baby. The words keep replaying in Andy’s head, but they still sound so strange and far away he can’t quite wrap his head around it. He and Rowan had been trying for so long, having spent so many years trying and trying and trying again -- Only to be met with disappointment and heartache each time around. Having a family was never a question. The conversation about children has always been on the table, both on the same page about wanting a big family. /We want four,/ they would tell anyone who would listen. It’s been a difficult journey, with the emotional struggle of infertility becoming the forefront of their lives with the stress of Rowan’s residency and the club coming right up behind it. There struggle has gone on for years, many doctors visits ending with Andy holding Rowan close while she cried, stroking her hair as he reminded her that things will work out. 

Years and roughly six positive pregnancy tests later -- Everything begins to come together. Their family of two is going to have a new member in less than nine months now. She’s in her second trimester when their sixth wedding anniversary comes along, the two opting for a quiet night in to celebrate. Though he’s over the moon about what’s to come in the next few months -- Andy’s trying to remain realistic. This hasn’t been an easy road, and he feels a bit like they’re walking on eggshells through this journey. He knows the feeling is mutual, that this is something of a miracle baby, and they’re both terrified they’ll fuck it up. Admittedly, he can be a bit overly cautious -- Rowan’s not made of glass, but he can’t help but act like it sometimes, quick to swoop in, even if she’s doing something as simple as swap a load of laundry. So he opts for a night in, snuggled up on the couch together, Andy dressed in old sweats and Rowan clad in one of his old Primordial MC shirts. Their night is spent with scary movies and popcorn, with his wife curled up between his legs and Andy’s hand resting softly on her bump. His fingertips make small shapes against the fabric of her shirt, silently hoping he’ll feel a kick. Rowan’s fast asleep by now, head resting against his chest as Andy struggles to keep his eyes open too. He’s sure, despite his half-awake self, that nothing can ruin this for them -- Not his father, not Tyson, nothing. 

iii. 2016.

Up until now, he’s spent most of his life surrounded by people in one way or another. Whether it’s his family, other club members, Rowan -- He’s never been by himself long. It’s not something Andy’s ever really thought over, naively assuming that he’d always have some sort of constant in his life. And admittedly, he assumed that constant would always been Rowan. After the last seven years, he had no reason to believe anything else. She is his family, his person -- Every cliche and title in the book. They’ve spent every holiday, every birthday, every day together in some way since he was a teenager. It’s not until he’s laying in his prison cell, staring at the underside of an empty top bunk that he realizes how truly and utterly alone he is right now. 

It’s terrifying, suffocating. He’s been locked up for three months now, and his roommate was released earlier this morning -- So he’s by himself for the night, until a CO shows up at breakfast with some new kid. He’s been by himself before, lived on his own briefly before Rowan moved in -- Andy doesn’t mind being by himself, he never has. He’s always been a glaring introvert, preferring the company of himself, his wife, or their dogs, ideally. He’s never felt lonely from it, never had an issue -- Until he finds himself here, orange jumpsuit and all, struggling to steady his breathing. It doesn’t hit him until the lights have gone out and he’s supposed to be asleep, but the absence of someone else in the room with him is unnerving enough to keep him awake. He’d done as well as one can in prison thus far, kept his head down and nose clean, but once he’s by himself, it hits like a freight train. Everything he’s bottled up, all the things he’s told himself not to feel . Especially tonight.  Regardless of his best efforts, the date and the silence around him make for a terrible combination. The sinking feeling only persisting as the clock moves -- March 4th.

He wonders what Rowan’s doing right now, if she’s left with the same feeling swimming through him. Andy wants to believe she’s sleeping peacefully, with a baby monitor on her night stand and Scout curled up close; He wants to believe that she’s not feeling like him, that she’s not watching the ceiling fan in their room spin and wondering if he’s awake too. Part of Andy doesn’t want to ever know -- Because he’s the one responsible for her spending her nights alone, the reason she’s celebrating their seventh wedding anniversary by herself. At least, until visiting hours began and they can be together, separated by a glass window and a shitty phone, with their nine month old daughter in her arms. He always thought they’re anniversary would be a celebration, that he’d never think of it as a time of regret or longing -- Only now, it won’t leave him. He replays the night he confronted Tyson in his head, the arrest, the trial. He tries not to think of the look on Rowan’s face, the tears silently rolling down her cheeks when he hugged her goodbye. He does’t want to spend their anniversary going over all o his past mistakes, but he doesn’t seem to have any other choice now. The rational part of him tells himself that this will be over eventually, he’s only got to make it through this two more times and then they'll be back together -- Soon, they’ll be able to celebrate like they have before, only now they’ll have Maddie along with them. A family of three, celebrating together without a concern for prison cells or memories keeping them up at night. Only them against the world. He tries to remind himself of that. Somehow he doesn’t believe that day will come. 

iv. 2018. 

Three years pass, and now he’s finally able to lay in his own bed with Rowan tucked into his side and Maddie fast asleep against his chest. He hasn’t been home that long, now pushing three months, but in a short amount of time they’ve found their happy medium. The initial return from prison hadn’t been easy -- He’s been gone for three years, Rowan’s been essentially a single mother (despite his best efforts) for that time, and now they have to relearn this life together, with a three year old in the mix with them. There’s an adjustment period for them, with ups and downs -- Maddie tells him all about the things around town and introduces him to Scout and Noodles, but he and Rowan find themselves butting heads on how to raise their daughter. They figure it out -- They’re /still/ figuring it out, with the aid of a therapist and their family. He’s just grateful he’s there at all, able to begin this part of their lives together finally. There’s a certain guilt that follows him, over the fact that he left Rowan on her own for three years, something he’d never forgive himself for. He can’t change it, but he can do better now, they truly can start their lives together, free of any threat. Tyson, his father -- Both are six feet under, far far away from wreaking any sort of havoc on their happily ever after.

There had been a pretty big storm that night, prompting their daughter to come running into their room before leaping into the bed with him and Rowan. Maddie is a Daddy’s girl, no question -- In the short time he’d been home, the two bonded easily. Whether he’s at her tea party with a tiara on his head, or she’s holding his hand and pulling him around town to show off all of her favorite spots -- They’ve become two peas in a pod. It was their anniversary, and all he wanted was to spend a night together with his girls. So they dress up, taking Maddie along with them, and go out to dinner (Nothing fancy, given that Maddie is only three -- They make do with a Chilis off the highway.). It’s a simple night, but one he’s sure he’ll always remember, the thought of Rowan tucked under his arm and Maddie in her booster seat, explaining everything she learns in daycare to them. Andy finds himself caught up in the simplicity of it -- The fact that the three of them can just be together, even in some shitty restaurant. There’s nothing keeping them apart, no CO making sure his reactions aren’t ‘startling’, nor the underlying reality of him being away. This is his life now, the one he dreamt of and built with his wife, now finally within his grasp. 

There’s a silence that settles over the three of them, once both of his girls fall asleep and Andy’s listening to the steady sound of the rain. It used to frighten him, storms and having to hear them -- Now he finds it oddly soothing, feeling himself relax. His hand cards through her wife’s hair, eyes watching the ceiling fan go in circles. Even though there’s a balance and order restored to his life, he’s wide awake. Only now, it’s not from his own self destruction -- Rowan’s pregnant. It’s a bit of a miracle, but one he’s cautiously optimistic about. They’ve always wanted a big family, and they know what to do now -- They can make this work, go about it in the best way possible, rather than strict on hope and a gut feeling. Considering their reunion, it’s not all that shocking, though. After three years apart, they spent plenty of time relearning the other, welcoming the other back home again. He’s content, rather than plagued by the worst case scenarios he makes up his own head. This is how their life should be, he tells himself. No prison cell or court room, no CO or Visitor’s Room. Just Rowan and Andy, and the family they’ve created. .

v. 2020. 

It’s odd to think they’ve been married for eleven years now. It seems like only yesterday that they were stumbling around Las Vegas before wandering into some Elvis themed chapel. But at the same time -- It all feels miles and miles away. Their wedding, Tyson, his time in prison. They’re settled into this life they’ve created, with their two children and the home they’ve built along the way. The storms they’re forced to weather are far and few between now, without someone threatening them and their home in some way. Most consistently had been his own father, creating a war zone with any room he walked into; Then Tyson putting a new kind of fear within both of them; And his Parole Officer, threatening to send him back to prison for something as simple as a parking ticket. It’s refreshing to be away from it all, able to embrace a life that’s sickeningly domestic and calm. They’re a team and a force, having gone to hell and back together. 

The celebration is a simple one, given that it’s a school night and they have more elaborate plans for later on, thanks to him winning Rowan at the Bachelorette auction. So for tonight, they put on their best and leave the kids with a sitter, heading out to a nice dinner at Calliope before returning home long after bed time. It’s simple enough, they laugh together and reflect on the last eleven years while sharing a bottle of wine, simply enjoying the company and the reason to go out. It feels simple, right to the point -- The obvious answer for them, really. Their wedding anniversary serves as a reminder each year of the choice they made, of how much he loves Rowan. He tells her every cliche in the book, always happy to take an opportunity to be corny with her. She’s the love of his life, and whether they celebrate with a nice night out or spend the night struggling their way through bath time -- He’s just grateful for another year together.

[tcfkag]

Spoonie Life: My Last Week (fun with complications)

So, I’m having a really rough week. It feels like literally the second I get a break from one thing or a handle on another, then another thing pops up. I never get a break and it is exhausting. And sometimes it just makes you feel so alone because even those that support you - and I have a hugely supportive community of people in my life - just can’t understand. I’ve been feeling increasingly depressed and anxious and alone and my therapist does not have any availability to see me...possibly for months. So I wanted to just write up everything I’m going through because sometimes that helps but also because hopefully some of you may have gone through some similar things (esp. blood clots and ovarian cysts) and could give advice and/or just support. 

Here’s a (not so) short summary of shit that’s been going on lately (in list form because why not). Don’t feel like you have to read it all. I know everyone has their own things going on. But I just needed somewhere to vent and while I shared some of this on FB, I also feel freer to be honest and just fully disclose how hard this is for me here. Sometimes that’s one good thing about this hell site - less reason to self-censor and try to sound positive/hopeful/happy when I really truly am not.

Last Monday (the 15th), I finally finished three months of IV antibiotics I was on for an intra-abdominal abscess (an infected collection of fluid that was right underneath my diaphragm which meant that, for a while, it hurt to even take a breath). 

Good news right? Stopped it about a week ago which is awesome because the antibiotics were infused two hours x three times a day (i.e. six f*cking hours a day that I was connected to an IV bag).

But, I knew I would need a follow-up CT scan that was scheduled for this past Wednesday....and who knew what that would show.

Towards the end of last week, I started feeling very tired all the time. And then my physical stamina just suddenly....decompensated abruptly. I would get tired doing anything. Monotasker and I went to the grocery store and halfway through, I had to sit down (or risk passing out). After a few minutes, I told him “we need to get out of here” so we rushed through the rest of the basics we needed. And then while he checked out, I sat on a bench near-by. My heart was racing, I was out of breath, I was dizzy and light-headed, and just generally felt like I had run a 5K. 

The first couple times this happened I thought “well, maybe I’m out of shape, I *haven’t* been working out at ALL lately. But then I remembered, it was what - a week ago that I attended NYCC where sure, I got tired sometimes and had to sit down once in a while, but it was nothing like this. And I knew that fitness doesn’t decompensate like that....it’s sad that when confronted with such a serious health issue that my first reaction was to just....blame myself. Right away.

So last Sunday (a little over a week ago), I went into the ER to get checked out. I hoped it was something SIMPLE, like dehydration or maybe my anemia had gotten worse or low levels of some kind of electrolyte imbalance. Anything that could be handled in a single evening. Three guesses about whether that was really the problem (though if you’ve followed me for more than a hot minute, I’m sure you know that the right answer is...because of course, NOTHING is ever simple).

At the ER, they decided to do the CT scan I was supposed to have that Wednesday just to make sure there wasn’t anything they were missing. And while the abscess they had been treating was largely unchanged (so they are going to stop the antibiotics), they also found that I had a blood clot in my pelvis. This is my third blood clot but the other two (a DVT in 2008 and a PE in 2015) were both post-surgical. This is my first blood clot that happened “spontaneously”. The admitted me to the hospital for about 48 hours and put me on a heparin drip until they could get a blood thinner arranged to release me and send me home. 

A few observations and factoids about blood clots and their treatment for those who are interested.

People with Crohn’s Disease and Ulcerative Colitis (i.e. IBD) are more prone to blood clots. If you have IBD (or any autoimmune disease actually), you should be aware of this risk and know the signs of blood clots (esp. after surgery) and make sure to take preventative measures like standing up to walk around on long flights.

 Traditionally, blood clots were treated with the blood thinner warfarin (Coumadin is its brand name). It takes a few days to get to the correct level in your blood, so you have to be on injections of another blood thinner Lovenox (twice a day, at home, injected yourself) until your “INR” reaches the right level in your blood. While on warfarin you have to have regular bloodwork to check your INR - every few days at first, then weekly, and if you’re on it long term the tests become less common.

This is very challenging for me - after ALL the health issues I’ve had, my veins are completely shot. Even basic blood work is a challenge.

There is a newer genre of blood thinners out there called DACOs - you’ve probably heard of them (they include Xarelto and Elliquis) which are better for a couple reasons, I guess, but the main one for me is the lack of required blood thinners. Three guesses on whether my health insurance approved them? NOPE. They sent me into pre-authorization hell (which frequently means “nope never going to happen” but in this case I hope means “well if your doctor pushes hard enough, we’ll give in eventually).

Question: has anyone gotten one of the DACOs approved? Is there anything specific that you had to prove? How did it end up working out?

If you are someone who menstruates, just be aware - going on a blood thinner can cause your period to start early (mine started less than two days after starting them - at least a week or two early) AND it will make your period longer and heavier. 

P.S. - the GYN I saw yesterday said that Xarelto would make that even worse which leads into a later part of this post, but basically she said it was really important that I get my IUD replaced if I was going to be on Xarelto long term.

Since this is my third blood clot, it may mean that I will have to be on blood thinners permanently, which I’m not looking forward to AT ALL. Because really, do I need another medical complication? The answer is no. No, I do not. WHICH MAKES THE NEXT PART OF THIS POST IRONIC.

So this is the part of the post that I could actually use some advice on. 

So for a while, maybe as long as a year, every CT or MRI I’ve had has included a note from the radiologist saying that a benign ovarian cyst was seen on the scan (or sometimes it was called an “inclusive cyst” from the ovary into the peritoneal area. It would sometimes “recommend follow up with a GYN”. Okay....fair enough.

When I asked my GI and my PCP about it a long while ago (maybe even two years ago), they both sort of just said “sure you should see an OB-GYN about that at some point” but really didn’t follow-up on it. And then time passed because I had a LOT of other health issues that took precedence.

Sometime nine-months to a year ago, I started having pain in the area where my rectum used to be, especially when I was sitting at my desk at work. There were days it was so bad that I could not sit directly on my butt at all and had to constantly find different positions. And on those days, I would frequently also have pretty severe pain in my pelvis. For months I basically ignored it...again, I have chronic pain and I had bigger fish to fry. Again, it got put on the back burner. Until one day it was so painful I was crying at work. So I called my PCP who also called my GI and he looked at my scan and said “it’s probably that cyst, you should see a GYN....” Still no urgency (and my PCP even said “I don’t know i it’s that - sometimes doctors like to blame cysts when they just don’t know what else is wrong.”) Again and again, this cyst was acknowledged but treated as no big deal - a nuisance to be dealt with eventually.

Side note: at no point in this did my PCP or my GI bother to ask me about pain with sex, despite that being a somewhat obvious question.

So nine months ago (or so), my PCP finally did get me a referral to see someone in the minimally invasive surgical OB-GYN office. I called to make that appointment and was told “you cannot see a surgeon until you’ve seen one of the GYNs” so I got an appointment for several months later with a GYN in the office. 

Then, I had to cancel two different appointments with her because I kept being sick and/or in the hospital...and of course, each new appointment was two-three months later. 

So my appointment with the GYN (who was lovely) was yesterday. She told me that my cyst (which is in both the ovary and the peritoneum) is now the size of a GRAPEFRUIT! It is almost certainly to blame for the pain I get sometimes in my (former) rectal area and the pain I have when I have sex. She said that even if it’s “benign”, if it’s symptomatic like this, I shouldn’t have to live that way. For the first time, I had a doctor who I felt like was taking this issue seriously even though it wasn’t related to my IBD and was “just” a lady issue. (Though to be fair to my PCP, she has taken it seriously in the past, but it’s just not her specialty).

This GYN also said she’d be willing to take me to the procedure room and sedate me to put an IUD in, whether I have surgery or not because I had such a bad experience getting it last time!!! I really loved that she took my concerns about that seriously. Bless her.

So the (very extended) upshot is that I made an appointment with the minimally invasive surgeon who I was supposed to see SIX-NINE months ago (who, amazingly enough, had an appointment available MONDAY) and I may need to have another surgery to take care of this cyst. This cyst that wasn’t always the size of a grapefruit....but years of being told that it was benign, to “check it out” eventually, and having all of my other health needs take precedence has now left me here. With a huge cyst that has ruined my sex life and is starting to seriously impact my everyday life too.

TL;DR? I have TERRIBLE LUCK. ESPECIALLY this week. And I’m just feeling absolutely overwhelmed, lonely, and frustrated. And if you’ve had experience having surgery for an ovarian cyst, especially one that’s “including” on something outside the ovary, I’d really appreciate your thoughts on the procedure and whether it helped and was worth it.

[imnotavampire97]

long, but possibly helpful.

ive been through a lot recently and have done a whole lot of thinking about whether or not ill ever be happy. I always tell others “you’re in control of your happiness” and “you’re the only one who can change it”. I know in my heart that is true, but sometimes i really don’t know what makes me happy or what i can do to be happy.

But I know that I truly am in control of my own emotions. I cannot let anyone take away from my energy, my love, my light.

Ive gone through a very rough time in my life. 21 years of nonsense. Yes, there are absolutely beautiful moments in my life, and i am dearly grateful. I enjoy them when they happen, because living in the moment is what it’s all about. I read a quote once somewhere that said, “The past nor the present exist aside from in your mind. The only true moment is now,” or something like that.It stuck with me for so long, and when i’m down and out i think of that. Nothing in the past truly exists anymore, nothing in the future is set in stone. 

Even with all this in my mind, my past comes to haunt me all too much and all too often.

I suffer from bipolar type 2, which is pretty much just a mix of anxiety and depression. You can be really happy for a day, a week, months, even. But then one day, one little thing can trigger you into this pit of darkness, where you’re suffocating and you cant get out. It is a major issue that has been in my life for three years now, stemming from a mixture of my father’s actions as a child (and even now), and one of my ex’s and his behavior,

My depression has been a problem since i was 11, probably even before that. I had no friends. My parents argued more than not and it usually ended with a physical fight between my parents. As a child i had no idea what was going on. Yelling and violence were common among our household; I knew no different. I went through a very long period of my life where i was just confused and sad all the time, and i thought it was normal, so sadness was essentially all i knew.

I was a very “obnoxious” child. I was over the top friendly, and just wanted to share my love, innocence, and happiness with everyone. Other kids didn’t like me, I was loud and talked a lot. A time came where I truly felt like if i died, everything would be so much better. For my parents, for the kids at school, even my siblings. I didnt want to live, and i had realized that life goes on without me. I felt dead on the inside. I tried to jump out of a three story window (being 11 i had no idea that if i had jumped, i wouldnt have died, just most likely been severely injured). My dad came into my room to me with a leg out the window. He yelled and yelled, and told me if i wanted to die he could make it happen. He picked me up and i clung to the window frame. After a minute he put me down and went to try and take his own life, Among the tears and the yelling, my mother came in and resolved the situation. I say resolve, but it was just more arguing between her and my father until they finally gave up with one another and my dad left for the night. It was a common reoccurring situation. 

My dad wasnt ever there for me emotionally. Nurturing is not in his vocabulary. He would call me names, hit me, yell at me, and blame me for his failing marriage. I know now that none of it was my fault. He was a drug addict for most of his life, and to be quite honest, he still is. I love him and pray for him every day, even though he was awful to me, because at the end of the day he is my father, and i love him, even though he doesnt show that he loves me too. 

My exboyfriend is a really long story, but in an nutshell, he was sexually and mentally abusive. I met him through my old roommate, and he and i really hit it off. We traveled all over the state and even got to move to a new state where we tried to start our life. I was 18 and he was 26. I was young, naive, and really just looking for love in the places i never had it. He raped me on multiple occasions, used me for my apartment and my money, cheated on my multiple times, had violent fits of rage, breaking things and hurting himself, and at the end, he ran away to another country with his new girlfriend, Mind you, he left a day after we broke up. He shut down any thought i ever had, made me get rid of my phone and stop talking to people all together except my mom. 

It got to a point of me being so isolated, that I had no thoughts in my mind except that the only way out was to take my own life and let myself have some sort of peace. I was curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, contemplating how i could do it, when all of a sudden, one thought popped into my head. “Go to the hospital. Ride your bike to the hospital, and tell them you’re a danger to yourself.”

After a moment of thought, i put my shoes on, grabbed my bike, and rode as fast as i could to the nearest hospital.

And that was the best decision I have ever made.

I got counseling, went to therapy for a while, and gained a pretty good handle on my metal state. I started doing things for me, not for anyone else’s happiness.

Since then, I have gone through losing multiple jobs, being homeless, wrecking my ex’s car (a different ex), multiple break ups, and losing all my friends, even ones from 8 years ago. But as of now, I have a decent job, a roof over my head, a wonderful, loving boyfriend who cares for me dearly, a perfect dog, and I am finally beginning to love myself the way i deserve. I am getting myself on track, and i am learning from my mental illness and fixing the problem myself. It may not be now, or soon, but over time i will get there.

There is so much more to my life story that would take forever and a day to type out. The point I am trying to make is, suicide is NEVER the answer. There is someone out there, even if its just the voice in the mist of your mind, cheering you on, loving you, caring about you. I dont know what saved me that day in Colorado, but I am so thankful, so blessed, and so happy that i didnt end it. Tomorrow is a new day. You can do so much in just one day. You whole world can get turned upside down in a good way, or even in a bad way, But its alright! Because theres always a way out. Even if its not clear to you in the moment, it will become clear to you when it needs to. Stay mindful, stay patient. Good things will come your way, I promise. You can’t reach to heaven if you haven’t gone through the worst parts of hell. You really do need that balance between bad and good. You cannot cherish the good the way you need to if you haven’t experienced the bad. Life is one big learning lesson, and the only way to learn is to pay attention and stay strong in the moments where you find yourself the weakest.

Go out and ride a bike with the wind flying in your face, smash some plates on the ground, run as fast as you can until you cant take it anymore, stick your head out the window on a car ride and feel that air, get that adrenaline rush and feel alive. Remind yourself that you ARE ALIVE. You have 86,400 seconds in a day, make every single one count as if it was your last. 

[pinebeetles]

my 2018 favorites

a personal favorites list for my own benefit bc i have a shit memory

Movies: i saw a surprising amount of movies in theaters this year and finally took full advantage of Prime video and watched a ton of movies this year. Here’s some of my favs

-The Shape of Water (2017): I had to consult both twitter and my theater ticket but ya this movie came out in January (wide release). Such a magical movie, I love Guillermo del Toro’s style and tsow is just a pleasure to experience

-Love, Simon (2018): god i wish i had this movie when i was in high school and im so happy that younger queer people have this movie now

-Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again (2018): i saw this movie as soon as i got back to the US from Russia this summer and felt so many emotions during the entirety of the film. I love ABBA and their music always makes me think of my mom and gramma. 

-Crazy Rich Asians (2018): in the year of good rom-coms, this one was a stand out. i laughed, i cried (a lot), and i just loved this movie.

-The Florida Project (2017): definitely not a happy movie, but i thought it did a great job showing the parts of Orlando that aren’t part of the magic kingdom.

TV Shows: I watch so much tv holy shit

-The Good Place (2016-): I started watching tgp in January and it has been a consistent favorite all year. I actually took quite a few ethics & morals classes in college so i always get a kick out of the philosophical discussions. But omg the characters in this show are so wonderful and i would be lying if i said this show didn’t make me want to strive to be a better person

-The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017-): I have rewatched this series so many times. I really don’t like gilmore girls so i was surprised that i loved this ASP show so much. im always a sucker for period pieces and this show is also funny as hell. the midge/susie duo (in every context) is my fuckin bread and butter

-The Americans (2013-2018): i can never get anyone to watch the americans with me but god do i love this show. it’s one of the few “serious” dramas that i’ve ever gotten into and the hill i’ve chosen to die on is that keri russell was robbed of emmys/globes for six years straight bc men are scared of female characters who aren’t nice or forgiveable

-The Haunting of Hill House (2018): i love horror movies/tv/books and am so often disappointed but damn did thohh blow me away. Such a good story on top of having some genuinely scary scenes and an emotional plot line. Also like every other wlw out there im in love with theo crain

-She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018-): Last minute end of the year addition! I was so pleasantly surprised by spop since its been a long time since i was actually impressed with an american animated show. but yall Noelle Stevenson truly blessed us and i’ve been obsessed with this show for the last few weeks. I cant wait to see more in 2019. 

-Broad City (2014-): yall im so in love with abbi jacobson and i really loved s4 of broad city. so fucking funny and i’m going to miss the hell out of this show when it ends in 2019

**Special mention to the sense8 series finale. I cried hard for the entire two hours and as much as i wish we could have more, i think sense8 ended with a perfect episode and it will always have a place in my heart

***i didn’t include it bc we’re in the middle of a content drought but i still love yuri on ice with my entire damn heart and rewatched s1 multiple times this year. 

Books: i read like 5 books this year its embarrassing

-The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee: such amazing historical fiction. Mackenzi does such a good job including queer/poc rep in a positive way while also making it feel historically accurate. this series is hilarious and smart and i loved it

-Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi: I saw Tomi speak on a panel at Yallfest last year before this book even came out and when she described this as ATLA but set in West Africa it immediately jumped to the top of my tbr for 2018. and yall it was so fucking good. amazing world building, great characters, and an exciting plot. im so hype for the sequel’s release in march

Music: this was a great year for music yall

-Eurus-The Oh Hellos: the Oh Hellos are my favorite band but Eurus is by far my favorite album of theirs. I love the sound, the lyrics continuously move me and have me feeling every emotion possible. (however Dear Wormwood was my most listened to song of the year, Grow was a close second)

-Go Easy Little Doves-Brooke Waggoner: ive been a fan of brooke’s work for a long time but this year i took the time to go back and really listen to this album and i fell in love with it

-Expectations-Hayley Kiyoko: its 20gayteen and lesbian jesus blessed us with this album. I love it and i love her. I saw hayley in concert in may and it was a great experience. 

**some favorite songs of the year: Countdowns-Sleeping at Last, Ocean-Andreas Moe, Tuscan Skies-Pip the Pansy, Jackrabbit-San Fermin, Hieroglyphs-The Oh Hellos, Swing Low Sail High-The Wailin’ Jennys, In Our Bedroom After the War-Stars, Pierre-Ryn Weaver, Find Her Floods-Brooke Waggoner, Soldier Poet King-The Oh Hellos, Wanna Be Missed-Hayley Kiyoko, Telescope-Marcus Warner, The End of Love-Florence + the Machine, Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue)-Hozier, Notos-The Oh Hellos, Perish-Brooke Waggoner, He’ll Never Love You-Hayley Kiyoko

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right

[queenspirituality]

to benzo,

ive decided to take some time out of my life to write a letter to you and for me too. Benjamin, I have been truly lucky enough to have the privilege of having you in my life for six years. I would like to take this moment in time to share with you my deepest gratitude towards you for lessons you've taught me, memories we've made together and special moments we have shared that i could never replace.

I sit here with my heart on my sleeve expressing to you my most heartfelt appreciation for our six solid years of dedication and perseverance with enduring this rollercoaster of a friendship. I am glad that we have stayed in contact with each others amongst all the other drama of our separate lives. I will forever cherish our connection for the rest of my life as it is unlike any other and I wouldn't change it for anything. These six years have been life-changing, and I mean that. I think we can both agree that these past six years have been eventful to say the least.

I was intending to only write this one single letter to you however I am now starting to realise the full extent of just how many precious moments we have shared over the years and I feel i won't be able to sum everything that I want to express up in one letter so with that being said I have decided to take my sweet time writing this letter and if I have any further thoughts id like to share with you I'll write another letter, and another and another until I have exhausted all brain motor and cognitive functions.

Anyway, I suppose I am steering off track a tad, so let me redirect your attention back to some of the good times weve shared together, particularly the first year of us dating each other and making so many unforgettable memories that I love dearly. When I reflect over all of our memories weve created over these years, it takes me back to the good times we've had, like and challenging times also, came to the beautiful realisation of how deep our love runs for one another.true depth of how far weve come from our first awkward encounter our past memories just how manycertain Heres to our many naive new beginnings and heres to our endless and countless promises of change, success and hope, of fresh starts and second chances that sadly never saw the finish line. We never stuck to our word or kept our promises to each other.

Nevertheless, from the very start, I believe 2017, you and me, we were honestly inseparable during our innocent and lust-filled honeymoon months. At the beginning of our goofy, naive and a little overly codependant relationship we shared together, you made me very happy for once in my life and I really developed a deep and intimate bond with you that I hadn't ever discovered with anyone else before in life. You were really special to me in that period of my life, you were my only real support system and best friend who I shared my deepest secrets, fears and insecurities with. You were my rock, my soul mate at that moment in my life, my bad-decision making bad influence of a boyfriend who did a lot of drugs which I wanted to partake in with him.

Even after our lowest of low moments, like our messy breakup which involved me asking your sister to pick you up because you were simply too emotional to pack your belongings or that other time when we were friends again but soon enough you practically moved right back in with me when I was living at Cornwall St. always making sure you were absolutely imposing upon my personal bubble, even when many times I asked for space which only resulted in you getting more clingy of me and deepened your attachment issues with me. It felt as if whenever I would demand space and time, you would decide to latch on even more, eventually leading me to give in and surrender to you.

The honest truth is there were difficult times with you exhausted me Ben. Both during the relationship and outside of the relo, in and out of our relationship, even when we were just friends with no strings or expectations just surrendered to your problems and gave my undivided attention to majority of the time I had to compromise my own wellbeing and personal integrity and wants and needs for myself because you were so expectant and needy of me to provide you with my undivided attention and affection when you attached to me like this, for me it was the easier path to take, even though it truly compromised my wellbeing and happiness your persuasive pleads an begs for my attention and affection many drug-filled and chaotic nights many nights, icking you out of m home, regardless if we were intimate or platonic at the time somehow lity we have someone managed to always gravitate back to each other over the endurance of six wholesome and adventurous years with you and for that I am endlessly grateful. naive feeling, overly codependant relationship with my little clingy but cute teenage stoner boyfriend who just wanted to smoke weed (4/20 blaze it) every day, talk skating with his boys and share his pure goofiness and love with those closest to him.

This letter was written for you and for me. For me because of my own self healing and to finally start my next chapter of life without you for a while (don't fret, i am to discuss this in greater detail for you further along in letter). We have to let each other respectfully go for good, for now.

I wrote this for you simply because i realised the depth of our history together and what better way to say one final farewell than to honour all those cherished memories we shared together over six intense years knowing each other. You deserve this so much and I care about you more than I truly express.

truly what a journey in life we have say shared together. Starting from our very first extremely awkward and absolutely cringeworthy 30 second encounter at one of mollies usual weekend gatherings she would throw any chance she could get, to our most recent and adventurous all night benders spent in cheap motel rooms, laying dead still in your room at your grandmas off limits house, to locking yourself inside my bathroom anxiously anticipating being busted by either my brother or my ex partner. All of the memories we have shared in between our initial meeting and most recent encounter I want to write abouts mainly for my own healing and growing but also for you, so you might just see things from my side of the fence.

Prepare yourself, as this will be one hefty and long-winded letter containing a rollercoaster of emotions and relayed past events both positive and negative, hopefully all neatly summarised into one final reflection of my feelings between us and this journey in life we've shared at the end.

So Ben, here goes nothing. I will start with when we first met at mollies place. Truthfully I couldn't keep my eyes off you, it was as if a magnet was attached to me and one to you and I was uncontrollably getting more invested and interested in finding out about you. I distinclty remember where you were sitting as I became more curious about you, next to Tobias on the couch beside the wall. I think you stayed sat there for the majority of the night, but nevertheless my eyes kept wandering back to you. I took some mdma caps that night and stupidly and spontaneously decided to go for a long ass nighttime bush walk with some guys from your high school (if I recall correctly it was ethan jensen and tom merrigan) through mollies creepy dark bush creek park she lives next to. Now that I think about it, I don't even think they were eager to come with me but they didn't want me going through that dangerous bushland area alone, especially in my state.

At that point during the night, to say I was way out of my mind would have been an absolute understatement as these narcotics were working in overdrive now, taking over my mind, body and any common sense i may have employed sober. Since this was still one of the first experiences I had with taking mdma, the experience was super intense and half of the night I felt as if I wasn't actually conscious or if I was conscious I had replaced old rubi with an upgraded, much more brave rubi that was suddenly in the mood to go walking straight into a potentially dangerous bushland area where hobos have squatted in before, did I mention at night, pitch black in there, with no street lighting except our eye vision. It was as if I did not care for danger or threats because I felt so high up on this cloud of euphoria that no one could touch me and I was totally protected from harm. Yes, my sober brain dies have more common sense and logic than that, however that one single feeling of pure euphoria pulsating through me was enough for me to want more of it, and more and so on and so forth.

And that is when i gained the confidence to start a conversation with you, or rather attempt to put a sentence together without looking proper munted from the drugs. I think we did speak briefly by the pool area and I recall you mentioning that you were in a relo with a chick named Emily. I didn't care about anything you were saying, I was so fucking ecstatic that somehow we ended up chatting to each other, even if it wasn't for long. I made a mental note of you in my head. I wanted to know you before I really had an idea of you. To sum up this first story, so now you know what my initial (& may I politely add extremely intoxicating) encounter with you from my perspective was like and my first impression of you: for me it was always from that very first glance of you that I became intrigued and I couldn't shake it one bit, even when you mentioned your relationship status with your cool girlfriend at the time. I wasn't listening, you were talking to a brick wall disguised as a pretty girl. I just remember how badly I wanted to know more of you, and I just had a gut feeling we would see each other again soon.

P.s. originally I was going to write one big letter to you and I yet I've realised just how many memories we've shared that I must write about. So instead I have decided to write each letter as a past memory or reflection of our experiences we've shared together over this six year rollercoaster.

First letter is completed, see you soon my friend.

P.p.s. OKAY YES, I can be super annoying (thoughtful, caring, kind, mindful, loving) and know JUST how much you truly cherish and adore (hate, despise, resent) my little life pep talks and lectures so benzo, especially for you I've decided to leave you some of my personal and unique little words of advice and wisdom rants just for you cos YOU DESERVE TO HEAR THEM SO READ THEM FOR ME FOR ONCE IN YOUR MEDIOCRE LIFE AND LET THEM SINK INTO YOUR BRAIN FOR GOODNESS SAKE YOU WONDERFUL BUT SOMETIMES LOST HUMAN BEING who deserves someone who will write personalised care letters because they are valuable and worthy and deserve love and lots of it.

10.10.2020

Word of advice #1:

Please take care of yourself, if not for yourself just do it for your little sister, she needs you more than you know. Feed yourself that second plate of homemade spaghetti bolognaise which YOU cooked with extra cheese and pasta, go mental person crazy in the shower, sing as loud as your lungs will fully permit you and sing those sad fucking sappy love songs you hate to love because they make you feel something instead of being aimlessly numb all day. AND FUCK, JUST do it, go ahead and get that girly lavender soap for your grandma because she let's you live in her temple and she means more than words could describe to you, write her a little letter too, go on and show your grandma some emotion for once, she worries about you and wants to see you prosper before she leaves you on Earth. Write about how lost in life you feel, or ask how lost in life she feels, maybe she's hurting too.

If nothing else, try remember that in life, we have one giant society consumed with human beings that can be very harsh and cruel and judgemental of your every GODDAM action.

In this clusterfuck of what society has labelled a life", we have constructed some outrageous and unrealistic expectations and laws and rules and ongoing policies and guidelines for our fellow law-abiding aife experiences, I have endured the worst kinds of days that stretch on and on, these days feelyo7u like you aren't contributing to society's overall desire for successful people and you keep missing the mark and when does it ever get easier for you, the past few years have just felt like one big snakes and ladders board game where you're piece is broken and won't stop descending down the snake, slowly slipping into the dark abyss of your april fools joke of a life (i say april fools because ive legit had some of the most soul-cursing life experiences that've got me full depressed to the point where it had a comedic level of patheticness may have this mindset at times, or not, that's ok. I frequently do. I do know when this dark never-ending tunnel or abyss or however you personally envision the dark periods in your life, has got me trapped so bad I may as well be submerged in sinking mud on a deserted island called 'No Hope Island a large can be hard to climb out of the sinking mud of your patheticness cietysh because it feels good, wash because people are cruel and you've been corrupted with their silly bullshit and you don't need their scent on your skin anymore, scrub your body until you can longer scrub, scrub your skin and don't stop until it is raw, red and numb. Don't call your that mate of yours today, hes doing hard drugs, he can't think straight therefore doesnt care for you as a genuine mate would and wants to see you in pain just as much as he is because in reality, it makes him feel slightly better about his pathetic situation because he has someone on the same level so now he feels less disgusted of who he has become. Tell me, is that a friend to you? A good friend who gets literal twisted pleasure and comfort out of watching you stick a needle in your arm and sell your soul to the devil. That same sinister devil who awaits you always so very eagerly every high you take. That devil demon who is always patiently waiting for you at the finish line of your come up. This monster you have let in, he has made himself a home in yours, he lays right beside you, breathing in your air and covering the room with dark shadows so you aren't reminded of how peaceful the daytime light looks in your bedroom. Yes, I assure you, as I have met him before in my sleep. He has told me that sometimes he watches over me in the darkest corner of my ceiling while I sleep, waiting for my fears and anxiety to emerge in my sleep. He is my sleep paralysis monster. He follows me everywhere I go now, i have no privacy from him. He is always there, watching and waiting for weakness. When I am weak and vulberable once I have had my dose of drugs, he likes to play a game called hide and seek. He hides and I seek. Sometimes I hide and he seeks. He hides himself deep within me, the way he enters into me is through my auraus just after I have taken narcotics and opened my auraus right up, when one is the most vulnerable to evilness of spirits. When I am anxious, he makes me go seek. I never want to seek inside but I am not to disobey his orders for that is when he will truly punish me with the insidious sleep paralysis, sleep deprivation, shadow people watching as an audience, inner demons invited on stage to surround you, the sickest feeling of fear and paranoia washing over your soul like sticky slime you can't remove off your skin no matter how many scratches you've inflicted upon your skin. Because of that one night with that one friendeedle,

Laying right beside you ou in your bed, as an unwanted shadow, n anticipation, the devil when your come down is creeping over you with a sheepish grin upon his face. has begun andat the end of your reality has set back in and the come down is creeping up on you of your high for you. Go ahead, if that's the life you want, nants you to go down like him, and that is just not part of hesgo to bed early, read that self-help book, try, just try to listen to your parents (even if they suck major sweaty hairy balls right know and are in the typical parent stage of not being completely and pathetically oblivious to you as a evolving adolescent boy that needs help and support and guidance from his parents because he feels sort of invisible and worthless in life right now and has been questioning for some time now his place in this world and what he means to anyone that cares for him and if his worthiness is even worth anything now or is he just too far gone to make it or start over fresh.

[storiesofwildfire]

I love the headcanon of Loki being maternal, but how about being a father? Even though the role isn’t so much different when it comes to social role does he see being a father differently compared to being a mother?

          { @inadxquacy }

Loki has a… strange relationship with being a father. Because his oldest children put him in the role of being a mother, Loki’s formed a weird sort of connection to being the mother figure in his child’s life. 

Loki has always been maternal. It stems from a lot of different things. 

i. The first being that it’s kind of written into his DNA. I’ve spent a lot of time developing some headcanons about Jotun biology and I’ve taken a lot of inspiration from talks I’ve had with @lokiodinsonblog about her ideas of Jotun biology and the general world building that we tend to slip into when we get to chatting. Loki’s identified himself as a gender fluid individual since hew as pretty young. He often even goes to the extreme of being in a form that’s not strictly male or female. For a long time, he didn’t really understand his tendency for such things or why he never felt comfortable applying a male label onto him despite the fact that most people assume Loki is, in fact, a man.

The reason behind this is that Jotuns (at least the way I write them) are biologically capable of being a mother or a father. Some of them choose to stay in an in-between state that’s androgynous and usually incapable of having children. In this state, their female-to-male hormone ratio is in such a perfect balance, that they are incapable of having children, but they have the ability to shift their hormone balance in whichever way they please. If they choose feminine, they’ll be capable of carrying a child and they’ll take on more feminine attributes, like rounder hips, breast tissue, higher body fat, etc. The opposite happens if they choose to go the masculine route. Some jotuns choose to stay in one or the other even when they aren’t attempting to have children. Others tend to revert back to the middle ground.

In a sense, the way I write Jotuns makes them all genderfluid to a certain extent. Some choose to stick to one more than the other, but they don’t have to make that choice and, therefore, each one of them is hardwired in with both maternal and paternal instincts. So, Loki’s maternal instinct is kind of hardwired into him, no matter what physical form he chooses to take.

ii. Loki always had a strong connection with his own mother, but never really had much of a connection with Odin. What Loki knows of parenting came straight from his mother and her nurturing only enhanced his maternal instincts. When he parents, he tends to fall back on a lot of how his mother raised him and there’s just no way of pulling himself away from that, even when he is the father figure. 

As far as he’s concerned, he had two really shitty fathers in Laufey (though, technically, I write Laufey as being Loki’s mother to be closer to myth-canon. Loki is unaware of the fact that Laufey is actually his mother, though) and Odin, and part of him is afraid that if he tries to be a more traditional father figure, he won’t be any good at it and that he’ll end up being just as bad as his father.

iii. Because Loki’s been a mother to four different children and adopted a fifth, he’s almost accepted the role of being a mother. He expects it and when he’s presented with a scenario where he’ll be the father, that kind of throws him through a bit of a loop just because it’s so vastly different from what he’s used to.

iv. He doesn’t conform to any sort of gender roles. Period. Even the ones applied to parenthood.

v. The one time he did decide to be a father with Sigyn, she had a miscarriage. They lost their twins and eventually, Loki lost her. He sometimes thinks that if he’d been the one to carry their children, none of that would have happened. 

Despite being a maternal figure, Loki isn’t opposed to being a father. I have plenty of verses where Loki is the father of his children with a female partner. I won’t lie and say that he doesn’t get a little spark of uncertainty or jealousy when it comes to actually carrying the child. It sounds weird, since Loki’s pregnancies have been so traumatic for him, but he does have a certain… desire to have the bonding experience that a mother has with their child while pregnant. 

There is part of him that feels like it should be him in the position of being the mother, but that’s not enough to stop him from being a father. 

And he is a downright attentive partner to his pregnant lovers, too, because he knows what it’s like to be pregnant and he knows how stressful it is. He will do everything for that woman and do everything in his power to make her as comfortable and as happy and as safe as he can.

At the end of the day, for Loki, being a good father means roughly the same thing as being a good mother. He may cling to his maternal instincts more than paternal ones, but, for him, it doesn’t really matter what role he’s taken, because the result will be the same: He would do anything to make sure his child is safe, happy, healthy, and given the best building blocks for a solid and happy future. 

The main differences he truly sees between the two roles comes more from a place of sentiment than anything else. Loki tends to tie more sentiment to being a mother. Even his adopted daughter refers to him as “mum”, but there isn’t really a difference for him on a fundamental level, if that makes any sense at all?

[averyconradwilde]

Introduction

Hi, I'm grateful that I found other de-transitioning and re-identifying womyn on here. I'm 48 years old and I medically transitioned FTM 26 years ago. I started T in 1992, underwent mastectomy in 1994 and hysterectomy in 2003. I was considered ‘very passable’ by social standards. I served as an FTM support group facilitator and transgender youth advocate, and I worked as a cultural competency trainer for human services organizations wishing to better serve transgender clients. At no time during the early years was I aware of any doubt/regret/grief or did I ever have any reason to think I was misdiagnosed. In fact, during my ‘honeymoon period’ of the first 10 years, I was blissfully happy. (Anyone who wants to proclaim that I was ‘never truly trans’ is out of their fucking mind).

However as time went on, if pressed, I could admit that there were some things about my transition I was deeply disenfranchised about. My mastectomy surgery was complicated by a post-surgical infection that resulted in a failed nipple graft; this resulted in full loss of sensation and additional scarring on one side that I had not expected and I experienced extreme shame about this. My boyish chest and my plans for shirt-free living had not materialized to my satisfaction.

I also identified as a gay male and I experienced a level of sexual rejection from gay men (which I had frankly never experienced from straight men when previously living  as a woman). I let this eat away at me and really undermine my sense of self. I began to feel extremely inferior and inadequate about not having a penis and extremely shameful and loathsome about having female anatomy. I eventually did find love and settle down. However, for the first 10 years of my relationship, I was convinced that at any moment my partner would leave me for a ‘real man’.

I began to experience a growing sense of despondency regarding the fact that my transition had come to a plateau and there were still no truly viable options for phalloplasty. My previous experiences with surgery made me very doubtful that the scar tissue, possibility for necrosis, loss of sensation, etc. were risks I would ever be willing to take. 

Regular check ups revealed that I had an ovarian tumor and needed a hysterectomy. After this surgery, I experienced another post-surgical infection and had to be re-admitted for IV antibiotics. About 5 years after that surgery, I began to  experience painful sex and frequent UTI- which doctors diagnosed as atrophic vaginitis attributed to estrogen deficiency and longterm use of testosterone. I began treating it with a topical estrogen and a prophylactic antibiotic regimen. The antibiotics gave me yeast infections. Now I was in a position to require life-long medical intervention to treat the side effects of life-long medical intervention. The irony was not lost on me. 

The good news is that my intimate partnership persisted and eventually I was able to finally experience being present in my own body during sex without the mental gymnastics of having to fantasize about having a penis. What I experienced was a genderlessness/formlessness/freedom that I could only describe as spiritual. This happened very gradually through no effort on my part to change my orientation or identity. And this experience was not at all rooted in ‘internalized transphobia’; which is an explanation that some folks would offer to debunk the validity of de-transition as an act of liberation.

However, this experience of freedom from dysphoria and being at home in my body also came with a high degree of cognitive dissonance. I felt slightly guilty; like I was somehow betraying my queerness by no longer mentally exercising a strictly bob-on-boy masculine identity. And it was challenging to my self concept to learn that the very thing that made me want to be male in the first place (fantasizing/feeling a phantom penis) was something that now was not only unnecessary, but was actively causing my own suffering. 

I began to desire wholeness and being at-home in my body without despising my anatomy and without wishing for other anatomy. I finally realized that I was grieving my natural, non-medicated pre-transition experience.  Even though I could not remember a time when I hadn’t wanted to be male, I now knew it was possible to love myself as a female bodied person and I began to wonder how my life would have been different without the need to filter every moment through the lens of wanting desperately to be male. 

Furthermore, I came to despise the masculine role I'd taken on. I realized that I no longer had the close bonds with women I’d enjoyed before and that I was grieving this level of intimacy. And I could finally really see evidence of white male privilege in my own life and I became saddened and appalled at my failure to be an ally to women and people of color. During times when I tried to speak up on behalf of challenging sexism and gender stereotypes, I felt that my words were misinterpreted as ‘mansplaining’ and that my passing as male so successfully meant that I was forever an outsider to the people who I shared such a fundamental experience with. I started to hate my own paralysis and complicity in the toxic masculinity and racism which mainstream culture is so clearly seeped in.

In therapy, I eventually came to the conclusion that I transitioned too young (age 22), under the wrong circumstances (abusing street drugs) and for the wrong reasons (self-loathing rooted in misogyny and untreated trauma at having been a rape and abuse survivor). This gave me a new lens with which to think critically about my choices and the desire to heal these parts of myself that I abandoned by unconsciously seeking to obliterate them through transition.

For the last 3 years I've been exploring social de-transition through wearing what would typically be considered ‘feminine' and/or ‘androgynous’ clothing, using gender neutral name and pronouns, and reclaiming my body. I am actually enjoying my own femaleness and I no longer obsess on any rare instances of gender dysphoria. I've removed 90% of my facial hair and 60% of my body hair through laser treatments. I'm taking a modest dose of estrogen, Gabapentin, and a low dose of T to cope with debilitating hot flashes.

I am now so permanently masculinized that I am usually perceived as MTF- although I sometimes pass a female if I’ve had a very close shave and I am dressed very stereotypically ‘female”, and if I use my voice very quietly.

My instinct is telling me to proceed with legal de-transition because now that I'm learning to appreciate my body, I'm finally feeling more pride and alignment with being female and desiring to have my public identity synchronized with these experiences. 

However, if I am to be completely honest about it, my tendency is to sometimes fixate on restoring myself physically (as well as possible) to my original pre-transition condition when no amount of new medical interventions are ever going to undo what has happened; let alone fully heal everything I’ve been through. The healing has to come from inside. 

Furthermore, my partner of 19 years (who I dearly love), is decidedly gay and although he tolerates my new androgynous look, he’s expressed a feeling of not being attracted to my more ‘feminine’ side. After building a life together, adopting and raising two young children together, I have a very hard time with the possibility of risking all that when maybe I could be content with a genderqueer or gender neutral identity. 

Anyway, I'm not looking for advice, just support and community.

[iwillretitlethisatalaterdate]

feb 20

It’s funny how I was saying to Dyllan and this blog just the other day how I had been feeling faint at work on my four hour shifts, and how I was dreading my full day shift today, since I was there for an hour and fainted. I was reading some numbers to my boss and I remember suddenly feeling funny like I should sit down but before I could move I must have had some sort of episode, and the next thing I remember was hearing her say what’s wrong, are you okay?? And I was being held up by her and answering no. She laid me on the ground with some pillows (perfect workplace) and I came to and was kind of thinking like what the hell just happened???? And she was like “that was not okay you aren’t okay I will call an ambulance” to which I replied helllll nawwww (not verbatim) and she realised I was responsive. She sat me in a chair and kind of demonstrated to me what had happened, my leg started collapsing and I fell forward onto the counter and (again, great workplace) into a basket of tea towels, and she said my head was kind of lifting back up but falling again so she grabbed me. The whole incident only lasted ten seconds if that but it was enough to scare her and make her suggest things like stroke and epileptic fit which kind of scared me. Anyhow fortunately she was kind enough to let me go, closed the shop and called matt for me and demanded he take me to emergency. I really was grateful to be in her presence over anyone else’s as much as I enjoy working with most of the others. Mums are generally quite reliable in such situations. Anyhow Matt came and off we went to emergency and he truly melted my heart all day (and indeed we were there all day [from pre 11 to post 4]). Of course we presumed it’d be something to do with the baby but my boss’ mention of strokes and fits had me wondering. We finally saw a nurse and another nurse then a doctor and the doctor twice more and in between the short visits were long periods of waiting and laughing and spending quality time together and I honestly had such a nice day with Matt albeit not the most fantastic of venues or situations. The greatest part was when I was taken to have an ULTRASOUND meaning I got to SEE MY LITTLE BABY and I can’t lie that moment really changed everything. I’ve decided by now that it’s what I want and as I’ve mentiond we’ve had some in depth conversations that have led me to this point although I must admit from the first positive test I think I was subconsciously set on my decision to be a mum. But seeing it wriggle around and really be in the shape of a tiny little person (it’s seriously like the size of a pecan - it’s a wonder how amazing those ultrasound machine thingys truly are) just honestly overwhelmed me and I couldn’t stop smiling and being overwhelmed by the fact that my baby is INSIDE ME (wtf that is honestly so bizarre). Looonnng (literally hours) story short I left the hospital being told to drink more water basically, and probably to eat little more frequently. Nothing I couldn’t have assumed for a full day at the hospital, and I was kind of expecting like “your xy and or z levels are low so you need to do 12 or 3” but no. And I clarified several times that their conclusion was to hydrate. They also suggested if it happens again that I should go. Back. And. See. Them. Wow. This kind of just reenforces my belief that the whole medical profession is yet another government based money making scheme which is sometimes helpful but mostly financially beneficial for financially well off people. Both our mums also mentioned pregnancy when we were conversing with them about the situation. I don’t know if I’ll ever “publish” this blog but if I do and if they read this I hope this can help them, and anyone else, understand. I really didn’t want our announcement to anyone to be off the back of a medical emergency. I didn’t want it to HAVE to have been told BECAUSE I went to the hospital, as opposed to BECAUSE we were ready to tell them in whatever way we eventually choose to. I’m already nervous and scared as hell as I know they both “disapprove” to varying degrees which I understand, but am also somewhat saddened by, particularly as time goes on and we get more excited about it. At the end of the day, we discussed the pros and cons of keeping and.. not keeping the baby, and together decided that we choose the next step in our lives. And I hate that I even have to justify that, and I kind of don’t even want to at all. But all my life I’ve felt like I have to explain myself to others to try minimise disappointment. Not that anyone’s ever treated me with that “respect”; I’ve no idea where I’ve learnt such a self depreciating habit. My life is my choice and although I’ve not necessarily made all the right ones, they’re mine. And this is ours. I’ve never been with someone the way I am with Matt and I don’t need to divulge our relationship and deepest feelings to anybody and I refuse to. People see the fights we have but they don’t see the love we share because we are private people in that sense and it’s for us. And as much as I HATE having to say this, believe me, it’s there. And it means a lot to me that it’s mostly kept between us and that we know how we feel and what we want and how secure we are. And maybe someday one or two kids in or MAYBE even before that, something will happen that results in the feelings fading or being destroyed or whatever it may be but it won’t change how I’ve felt and what this relationship has shown me, or that I want to be a mum and have the capacity to do it on my own or shared. That was a bit of a tangent, but what I WAS trying to get at is that maybe when people find out about the baby they will think we lied about what happened today, but that’s not the case. Nor did we want to exclude or upset anybody. Until I saw the heartbeat today (which was unfuckingreal) I was honestly convinced it didn’t have one and it didnt survive and it wasn’t our time. This is also a bad habit of mine - I convince myself of the worst so as to never be disappointed or heartbroken. So i have been adamant in keeping it from anyone until we get a scan pic and confirmation of its health and reach the “safeish” point of at least 12 weeks, and Matt’s respectful of my decision. This post kind of feels long winded and indirect and mostly pointless but a lot has gone through my mind today, I was nervous for my own health and for my baby, I didn’t want to have to tell my boss or family what I wasn’t ready to, and I was kind of disappointed in the result although happy I seem to be healthy (just starved and dehydrated woops). My heart just feels really full and a little nervous but I love my sweet and caring boyfie and the little big headed baby that is actually living in my uterus (I know there’s billions of humans in existence due to this very phenomenon but it’s still tripping me out). I best go now bye 👋🏼