#ive lost motivation to do anything :((((
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my arts been doing bad on twtter. ive recovered in the past but i worry this time will be different. the idea of losing such a large platform makes me wonder if theres point in continuing even if i feel tremendously guilty admitting that.
as my therapist pointed out today: ppl still like my art. still when i think about it i think there are other artists for you all though. better ones have come along and better ones will still come.
im in my 20s and i haven’t really gotten a chance to live my life properly since the pandemic bc of it. still art is important to me and the idea of losing it has me feeling listless. what do i do when its been who i am for years.
im unsure tbh if im going to quit.
i draw what i like but i don’t see purpose in drawing for myself.
anyways this isnt that deep my therapist is just on leave next week and i wanna cut my hair again
#delete later#a morbid thought ig but the idea was always#well if i stopped what if i regret it 10#20 years later#but if i dont have 10 years#is there time to regret it if i stopped#idk what to do its like complete and sudden loss of motivation#ive been trying to pick myself up from it#but i just wanna lay here ig#theres also the question of a honed skill being discarded#though i mean there were lots of things i was skilled at as a kid that i discarded#swimming was one running was also another#ig i lost those more bc i developed a panic disorder#and like the worst place for that is maybe when ur in a deep pool center lane#maybe this was the thing that made me unique#but its also not a thing i advertise irl if anything i actively hide it and just lie#i havent made every piece ive wanted to make
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How 2 do well in school, which is starting soon, no glue no borax
#i think im smart. maybe. cuz my finals last uear were aparently AWESOME for some fucking reason#i was failing allll my classes tho#except like. gym. but the rest were legit all Fs#idk how i passed.....#im just godly#but fr ive gyat no motivation to do anything ever and honestly id rather kms than be there BUT i have a gf now and also the convergence ->#-> reboot hasnt come out so i cant die yet#ive lost most motivation for my hobbies at this point and now i gotta go back to that freakshow#SIGH#the ppl there are MEAN and some of the things they tey to teach us with suck ASS#PLEASE. IM SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT ENGLISH. IT USED TO BE MY BEST SUBJECT#😭😭😭😭😭#the thing we have to do stuff on tho SUCKS bc i can barely ever finish it in class cuz theres not enough time and i dont have the motivation#to do it at home so eventually i just stopped bothering with it#like i just stopped#honestly halfway through last year i just gave tf up in general 😭💀and they literally pulled me away and were like “r u ok....”#i dont remember where i was going with this#im eepy everything hurrts i dont wanna go back#i wanna be silly i wanna make straight As and Bs like when i was an little kid i want to make the ppl that care about me happy but.augh#vent post#I GUESS#mother get me tested + medicated challeng e level IMPOSSIBLE😭😭😭😭😭#ganvg im starting to think i may have smth besides the adhd.... hmmm.......
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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Once I'm done with ongoing things I'll probably take a serious break from shit,,, not feeling worth it at the moment
#working my through infernal heritage stuff#book layout v hard but were getting there#i was going to go straight into running the next thing for lost haven but i probably need to give it a rest#full of ideas and all but its just#ive lost the desire to do the work for it recently#since im essentially doing all of it for free it becomes very difficult when i just want it to be over#the deck of beginnings flopping hasnt helped motivation either#im just#not in a place where i can do anything i want#i might never be#ive got acme in september#i have megacon in January#tho im seriously considering pulling out from megacon at this point#having to fight the urge to leave other things im part of#🤷 not feeling good#a resurgence in old social life problems has destroyed me and any motivation i might have had#somehow feels worse this time round even if less world ending#cant be comfortable online anymore tbh#and its tanked my art motivation#this is rivalling 2021 levels of i cant#feels bad man
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working on my evil Ted wip to distract myself from whatever the fuck is going on in our country tonight 🫶🏼
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i’m not gonna let my lack of hobbies bother me [car screeches] it’s okay that i don’t have concrete dreams or aspirations yet [anvil drops on a piano] so what if i’m mediocre at everything and not naturally talented or good at at least one thing which everyone in the world seems to be [building collapses] it’s totally fine that my passions died out [fire erupts] i’m gonna convince myself i’m not defined by my hobbies or interests because i lost them all and that would mean i’m nobody [explodes and dies]
#queued 🦋#does this make sense#everyone seems to have their thing#something that they kept close to them all their life#whether it’s a sport#or art#or some niche interest they know so much about#literally anything#or it’s something that they do#a little tradition#something they collect#they have something that means so much to them#and is such a big part of who they are#ive never had that#i really don’t think#and even if i did#it seemed more special when other people had it#i just like. i don’t know#i don’t know who i am#i’m not sure i ever did#i wish i could say “oh i love doing this and this and this!!” and actually like#be GOOD at those things.#but i don’t even do those things anymore bc i just lost all#the spark? motivation? passion? idk#and even when i DID them. i wasn’t good#i was average. below average. But i wanted to have fun#but then again i really wanted to just . make it mean something ?#all i know is im severely unhappy and im paralyzed with fear about starting anything new#i don’t wanna make art or write or dance or do anything i used to#♡ dear diary…
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the debilitating guilt and crippling anxiety is taking over gang
#for anyone who cares which is probably none considering im not an active online presence#ive been busy as hell with school and marching band#also ive lost motivation to do anything except for rot and game 💔
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#s.txt#vent#sorry if ur sick of me venting here you have to understand this is my diary <3#just . having a Very shit day today !#5 hours of sleep . because the neighbours started doing fucking yardwork at 8am#stayed in bed until like 11 and hated myself for it#absolutely no motivation for anything at all ive been staring at my assignment for 3 hours now#was too much of a coward to join games w my friends this morning#and on top of all that my smith stickers got lost in the mail </3#im just . so fucking tired#when am i gonna be fucking DONE WITH UNI . IM GONNA KMS#im so close . im so close i can make it . im SO CLOSE#ive just been randomly bursting into tears today im so burnt out#and my body fucking hurts so much too and physical therapy is barely helping im just too fucking stressed all the time#god . well . im fine <3#might take some time off here once i go on holiday to really like recharge lmao
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My hands shaking violently: please for the love of god do something creative.
#I JUST WANT TO DRAW SUCKENING STUFF BUT IVE LOST ALL MOTIVATION TO DO ANYTHING#OR WRITE SOMETHING#PLEASE#vamposting
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Ok
#kinda vent post cause ive been anxious ever since we got coffee this evening#I promise I'm not trying to be weird or anything. I'm just#I just really don't want to screw this up. I know we spent almost the last year avoiding each other#And I know things between us were rocky for a bit before that#and I hope I'm not overwhelming you. I know things won't be better overnight#I know we've distanced so much and theres so much awkward history there. I know things are different now#And I respect that. I respect your relationship and your new life. I'm not trying to impose or make you uncomfortable#I'm just anxious and tbh scared an nervous too. I don't want to fuck this up. If theres a chance for us to be close friends again I want it#Im so so so scared of fucking it up. I feel like I forgot how to be friends & after the way I left things Im scared that I lost my chance#I'm scared that it's not gonna work and that a permanent goodbye is in our future. I'm scared that you won't want me around after all#I would understand if that became the case.. but I really don't want that#I cant text you this without seeming like an overbearing clingy anxious mess of an ex but ive been on the verge of a panic attack all night#just for the fear that I'm fucking up already somehow. Just the fear that this isn't going to work and I shouldn't even try#I think I spent so long avoiding you that now I don't know what to do with myself. But I'm trying to be normal#I promise I dont have any motives other than missing a really great friendship and being tired of missing friends#And maybe I still have a ways to go in the emotional healing department but I think I'm ok enough to try. I've been ok for a while now#If you see this please know that I mean every word. If you never see it thats ok because I just need to get it off my chest before I burst#I don't want to scare you off or lose you again. if thats what it comes to then know I'll always miss and appreciate you for all my days#Thats all. Ive been a ball of nerves all evening & I just needed to air this out cause having this weight sitting on my chest is too much#emma rambles#personal#vent post
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gonna take a bit of a break for a while to refill queue because i have had no motivation to for while lmfaoooo last photo i had got posted today
it probably wont be for too too long but maybe a few days
#⁎ ˚ ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ ramblings#tbh ive just lost all motivation to do anything in general#𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 amamiya lovebot#lovebot tagging this incase it reaches more people idk#submissions are still open so if u wanna do that :3
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Happy new year!!!🥳🎉 Hope 2023 is kinder to everyone
#thank you so so much for the support and the encouragement and the love ive received from so many people this year#lost steam towards the last leg of this year i think this entire year was kind of poopy for me#and my dog died just recently so its been really hard trying to muster up much motivation to do anything#but im hoping this 2023 ill be able to pick myself up properly !!!
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how do you keep working towards a better future when you know everything is meaningless futile out of control depends on the whims and tantrums of your fuckass father pointless empty unfulfilling doomed useless and easy to destroy
#it's like ive lost all motivation to live#study toh door ki baat hai#if my dad can wreck my sisters whole life destroy it from its roots in 5 secs what is the point of me doing anything#ill meet the same fate in five years haina fir zarurat hi kya hai#the only solution would be to find a good ghar ka ladka???? but i don't like ladke?!?!???????#my sister doesn't feel strong enough to cut all ties with him run away book a ticket and leave him for good bc she has no one#and she still has many more friends than me people who support her would let her live with them#i don't even have that main kya kyu kar rahi hu koi matlab nhai hai kuch karne ka#obviously ye sirf bolne ki baat hai and main karne hi wali hu but still needed to get this off my chest
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lmao I've been on lexapro for about 4 months and I have seen no changes tbh, I'm still so depressed, in fact I think it's getting worse and idek if I should stop taking antidepressants altogether or go on a new one, I've been on 3 different types and nothing has worked 😭 I'm so tired of feeling like shit omg
#im really trying to hold it together but i just can't#the rsd is not helping either#ive lost motivation to do anything :((((#rant#delete later idk
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#god im so annoyed#ive lost all motivation and energy to do anything and i fucking hate it#todays been my ONLY free day in two weeks and i cant even enjoy it bc they wont stop showing me things talking pestering commenting#annoying me#it just reminds me how fucking traped i am#even when i came to retreat and just nap it all away i get woken up bc i aparently just cant be left alone#me
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I wouldnt want to do voice acting if i ever made a game but i love the idea of having my characters just randomly start talking and commenting on random things they find
#like whoah thats a gorgeous scene! yeah totally wow!#not at all inspired by it takes 2 kinda doing this fjdbsbsbshs#i love the extra dialog between may and cody#i thought about a system like tales of symphonia where you find litte conversations hidden around but id want something more dynamic#also the banter cody and may do? like when someone does something wrong the other will comment something like youre supposed to do it the#right way#i could see my ocs do that#actually i can imagine abela(god oc) watching the girls do a puzzle and making fun of them for doing it wrong#i kinda lost motivation to ever do anything with this story though#i just can't think of a compelling story and fun gameplay. also how to handle 2 characters but being 1 player#could be a darkest fairie or pikmin mechanic? but not where the characters could go separate ways like in pikmin#and not one where only one character can be out at a time#id want them out together#i feel like evil guy tries to destroy the world and god chooses two random people to go destroy him is too cliche#ive made so many edits to this story over the years and keep adding and replacing characters#oh this was not supposed to be an oc rant i just kinda blanked out and kept typing dhdgshsgeheh#i think about this story constantly bit never do anything with it :c
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