#stayed in bed until like 11 and hated myself for it

[shjsnjkj]

Kinktober Masterlist '24

-`♡´- This masterlist is made by me and @luviwon, the sweetest girlie I know. We decided to split the list in half but you can also find some episodes we wrote together! I will post on the odd days while she will on the even ones. ♡ You can find @luviwon's masterlist here! -taglist is open I hope that everyone will love our work as we put a lot of effort into it. Make sure to reblog and leave feedback if you liked it! Sending lots of love! ૮₍ • ˕ - ₎ა♡₊˚ -link to my masterlist!

OCTOBER 1 --- LEE HEESEUNG' COME 2 ME

☆ boyfriend!heeseung x girlfriend!reader ; After a rough day at work, you finally stepped out of the office building, only to find yourself caught in a sudden downpour. That would've been no problem because you love rainy days, but you didn't have an umbrella, and your phone's battery died as well. You prayed that your boyfriend, Heeseung would pass by your workplace and pick you up, but you knew he was working late. But not today, he came to you with his new car. You were so happy to see him and couldn't wait to thank him for saving you tonight. “You know, I’m ready. Waiting for you every night. Entrusting myself to your touch”

OCTOBER 2 --- YANG JUNGWON' MY PERSONAL STYLIST

☆ stylist!jungwon x model!reader ; Jungwon always finds the most fashionable pieces of clothing for you to try out, but when one day he decides to wrap you up in his own hands, well that becomes your new favourite fit.

OCTOBER 3 --- PARK JONGSEONG' THE BOY NEXT DOOR

☆ bnd!jay x reader ; Thunderstorms, no electricity, no key to your apartment. The only thing you could do was to stay for the night at your neighbor, Jay's apartment.

OCTOBER 4 --- SIM JAEYUN' ANNIVERSARY BREEDING

☆ boyfriend!jake x girlfriend!reader ; Before you know it, you reach your 5th anniversary with your boyfriend, and before you feel it, he is 8inch deep inside you. but this time, he will leave a special present there for you.

OCTOBER 5 --- PARK SUNGHOON' MY SUMMER LOVE

☆ sunghoon x reader ; It was August 31st, and you were heading back home tomorrow because of school. Unfortunately, sleep didn't come easily. Your mind kept replaying all the memories you had with Sunghoon this summer, except for one. The one you'll be making tonight with the help of his camera. “Fly through the deep night to you. In the thick darkness, I will hold you again”

OCTOBER 6 --- KIM SUNOO' MUTUAL TOUCHING

☆ bestfriend!sunoo x reader ; Someone once said that having a sleepover with your boy best friend is not the smartest idea. you wondered why, until you returned to your bedroom to find Sunoo touching himself and ultimately agreeing to pleasure each other.

OCTOBER 7 --- PARK SUNGHOON' BEST FRIENDS, RIGHT?

☆ bestfriend!sunghoon x reader ; Jealousy. This was the first time you felt that emotion while seeing your childhood best friend, Sunghoon around girls except you. You hated to admit it, but you found out yourself craving his touch every time you saw him. Maybe today is the day, to be honest and open up to him.

OCTOBER 8 --- NISHIMURA RIKI' CLASSROOM HOOK UP

☆ classmate!niki x reader ; You really hated the physical education class, and so did your classmate niki. but skipping it together didn’t keep you from finding another way to burn some calories.

OCTOBER 9 --- SIM JAEYUN' MIDNIGHT FICTION

☆ roommate!jake x reader ; You have this little habit, of reading fanfictions before going to bed. Every night you'd dream about him touching you, heavily making out at the wall. But you never thought that this would come true tonight with your roommate Jake.

OCTOBER 10 --- PARK JONGSEONG' MY FITNESS INSTRUCTOR

☆ fitness instructor!jay x reader ; Wishing to get in shape for summer, you hired your own instructor to help you reach your goal. yet later one, your only fitness target turned into feeling him press hard against your ass while bending down to stretch your body.

OCTOBER 11 --- LEE HEESEUNG' FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

☆ fwb!heeseung x reader ; “I’ll be alone tonight, do you wanna come over?” This was Heeseung's first time at your place. You were on your own at home, and he couldn't wait to touch you again after agreeing to this relationship. It was snowy outside, but inside your home all the windows became foggy that night due to the hot air between you two.

OCTOBER 12 --- KIM SUNOO' PHONE SEX

☆ dating app stranger!sunoo x dating app user!reader

; “lonely at night? don’t worry, ‘call a lover’ will bring you the company you need in just a couple of seconds”. out of curiosity, you downloaded the dating app mentioned in the ad, just to say goodbye to boredom. I mean, it’s not like you’ll end up moaning a stranger’s name tonight, right?

OCTOBER 13 --- SIM JAEYUN' STARRY NIGHT

☆ chrucrchboy!jake x reader ; “You and I under the moonlight. We bloom at night.” Jake and you have been friends since you relocated to the same area. You never imagined that this sweet guy you go to church with every Sunday would have these naughty fantasies about you, and no one else. After your birthday, he took you to a beautiful garden far from your home, where you could make love in secret, unheard.

OCTOBER 14 --- YANG JUNGWON' PORNSTAR COLLAB

☆ pornstar!jungwon x pornstar!reader

; Having been in the adult industry for only a year, you’re constantly surprised by what the directors come up with next. but who would have guessed that their latest surprise would be filming a scene with your favorite actor?

OCTOBER 15 --- LEE HEESEUNG' BIRTHDAY SEX

☆ boyfriend!heeseung x girlfriend!reader ; Heeseung’s 23th birthday. You decided to surprise your boyfriend with the members after their concert. He loved every single minute of it, especially the ones you two shared throughout the night. You didn’t hesitate and relaxed in the indoor jacuzzi with some champagne and strawberries covered in …

OCTOBER 16 --- SIM JAEYUN' POST-MATCH

☆ football captain!jake x cheerleader!reader ; When it comes to football, you know that for Jake a new victory means a following night out with the boys. this time, though, luck is not on their side and Jake’s frustration needs to be buried somewhere else. maybe inside you would be just the great spot for that.

OCTOBER 17 --- PARK JONGSEONG' LULLABY

☆ uncle!jay x niece!reader ; Going on a vacation with your uncle looked like a wonderful idea. But little did you know, you will share a bedroom with him.

OCTOBER 18 --- KIM SUNOO' FAMILY DINNER FINGERING

☆ fiancé!sunoo x reader ; It didn’t take long for everyone in your family to hear about your engagement, so they organised a dinner to celebrate the two of you. but truth be told, can sunoo really keep his hands away from you under the eyes of other people? or will he just not give a damn about it and let his fingers do their trick?

OCTOBER 19 --- PARK SUNGHOON' GLASSES

☆ boss!sunghoon x worker!reader ; “I can’t endure it anymore, come to me. Just a little bit closer.” Stealing glances with your boss wasn't the best idea, especially when you're working on an important project and you're supposed to give it your all. He didn't like the result, it was full of mistakes and you had to get yourself together, as he said. So you had to stay overtime. Nevertheless, you were not alone, Sunghoon stayed with you and helped you get yourself together in every way possible.

OCTOBER 20 --- YANG JUNGWON' BEACH SEX

☆ ex boyfriend!jungwon x ex girlfriend!reader ; Going on a trip with your highschool group of friends sounds all perfect until you find out your ex will be there too. And you feel annoyed about it, that until you end up on top of him with your swimming suit buried somewhere in the sand. “We don’t need to tell your new boyfriend about it, sweetheart”

OCTOBER 21 --- LEE HEESEUNG' DAD'S BEST FRIEND

☆ heesung x reader ; Heeseung was your favorite person when you were a little girl, but after moving to a new country, you slowly started to forget him through the ages. Forget all his beautiful features, the memories you shared with him, and the song he sang to you the last night you saw him. Receiving little kisses and sleeping with him wasn't the same as you remembered either.

OCTOBER 22 --- PARK JONGSEONG' BACKSTAGE SUPPORT

☆ idol!jay x girlfriend!reader ; Performing on stage is indeed stressful, so sometimes Jay just needs his antistress toy to calm down. that’s why you wait for him patiently in the backstage, just in case he needs to recharge in between performances.

OCTOBER 23 --- PARK SUNGHOON' MOONSTRUCK

☆ sunghoon x reader ; Your fiancé, your parents, and your loved ones are waiting for you to show up at the altar in that beautiful white dress. But you are not even in the same place with them. Right now you're with Sunghoon, hand in hand, melting into each other's touch with your engagement ring on the ground.

OCTOBER 24 --- YANG JUNGWON' MIRROR KINK

☆ boyfriend!jungwon x girlfriend!reader ; A new house brings new surprises, and the bedroom ceiling mirror is no exception. at first, you don’t give it too much thought —until you catch your boyfriend’s reflection in it, relentlessly pleasuring you.

OCTOBER 25 --- NISHIMURA RIKI' LIPS

☆ rival!niki x reader ; You and Niki were the best dancers in the whole school, but everyone knew that you were enemies. One day, someone spread a rumor that the two of you were secretly dating. As soon as you heard it, you ran to Niki and asked him what was going on. "I wouldn't mind if the rumors were true." -He said.

OCTOBER 26 --- KIM SUNOO' SHOWER SEX

☆ step brother!sunoo x reader ; “What about we just share this one today?” Sunoo whispers into your ear, slowly taking more of your personal space inside the shower cabin. “let’s just wash these sinful desires of ours away here for now.”

OCTOBER 27 --- NISHIMURA RIKI' ONE PLUS ONE EQUALS ORAL TIME

☆ rich boy!niki x tutor!reader ; as Niki's grades keep considerably going down, you are being in charge of bringing them back to an average score, giving him private lessons at his house. Niki's stubbornness, though, and his constant dirty lines to flirt with you, do not help at all. so coming to an agreement together, you offer a little bit of you to every right answer he gets. it goes without saying now that by the end of the day, he would have mastered the subject just as much as your body.

OCTOBER 28 --- MAKNAE LINE' DRINKING GAME

☆ boyfriend!niki x girlfriend!reader x best friends!sunwon ; One too many drinks lead to the raise of unexpected secret fantasies, and that's how a birthday party for Jungwon turns into a dirty race, fighting for who to fill your holes next. and you would think your boyfriend Niki could never allow that, but the growing bulge in his pants when Sunoo is fucking you from behind, well, says something totally different.

OCTOBER 29 --- HYUNG LINE' ACT LIKE AN ANGEL, DRESS LIKE CRAZY

☆ brother!niki x sister!reader x brother's friend group!hyung line ; You came across as angelic to everyone, but deep down, that wasn't really you. only you know who you truly are, and you were ready to break free from expectations tonight and do all the things with your brother's best friends that you've always dreamed of.

OCTOBER 30 --- PARK SUNGHOON & KIM SUNOO' PANORAMA

☆ ambassador!sunsun x photographer!reader ; You always captured the models and the million-dollar products from afar. To be honest, you always wanted to try on some jewelry or something luxurious after being done with your work. Tonight you not just tried on the gems, you felt them as close as possible. Not to mention you got the chance to admire the streets of Tokyo from above with the help of the two ambassadors of Cartier taking turns behind your back.

OCTOBER 31 --- ENHYPEN' DARK MOON

☆ enhypen x reader ; Holding a halloween party on an abandoned island does not sound like the greatest idea at first, but it gets so much better when you get the best prizes for simply being there. as they wish to fulfill your dirty desires, enhypen organises a small game of hide and seek for you. but this one is a little different, as the prize for finding each and everyone is feeling them deep inside you, one by one, taking over your body and treating you just like the sex doll you wished to be. be careful, though, as there might be scary traps on the way to your reward (even though you can confirm that the only scary thing would be chocking on anything else other than their cocks)

[seulgisqt]

𝐌𝐀𝐘𝐁𝐄 𝐈𝐓’𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐅𝐀𝐔𝐋𝐓 — aitana bonmatí

aitana bonmatí x ex!psg!reader

(a/n: would like to begin this by saying you’re only a psg player for plot purposes don’t worry darlings x. also I don't know what this concept it, I had fun writing it, and hopefully I do it some justice)

word count: 2210

genre: angst (but soft?)

summary: in the aftermath of a breakup, you and aitana only speak through unsent voice memos, until a single message breaks the silence.

Aitana — Voice Memo (Not Sent)

October 17, 20:14 — Ciutat Esportiva Joan Gamper, Parking Lot

“Hola. I don’t know why I’m recording this, I’ve recorded this like four times.”

“You’ll never hear it. But, I just left training and the weather reminded me of that January match in Bilbao–remember?”

“You were freezing and you wouldn’t stop complaining about your ears. I gave you my scarf and you refused, said it smelled like effort.” Aitana let out a soft laugh.

“You always said stupid things like that. I think I miss your stupid things more than I should.”

Silence

“I saw your goal against Lyon. Top bins. You still shoot like you have something to prove.”

You — Paris, Apartment Kitchen

October 18, 07:03

The kettle whistles. You don’t move until the noise reaches that sharp, shrill pitch, staring at the steam curling up from your mug like it might spell something out. You’re exhausted and your bones feel it first.

You scroll through your camera roll while you water for the water to cool.

You probably shouldn’t–but you do.

Barcelona. Ciutat Esportiva. Rooftops

Aitana, asleep with a book over her chest on a hotel bed.

Aitana in your hoodie, biting into a peach, capturing her moody face as she hated the new highlights in her hair.

So you tap the record button.

You — Voice Memo (Not Sent)

October 18, 07:11

“I had a dream about you last night. I woke up before I could remember how it ended, but…we were at the MNAC. Just sitting on the stairs. You had your foot over mine like you always did when you wanted to be close without admitting it.”

You wait for a beat, debating whether you should continue or not.

“I know it’s silly.”

“I still look for your name in every Barça lineup. I tell myself I just want to see how the midfield is doing but–Aitana, I lie to myself more than I lied to you. And I know I did that enough.”

Letting out a sigh, you paused for a couple of seconds.

“I don’t deserve to send this. But I wish I could.”

Aitana — Her Bedroom

October 18, 23:52

As the night settles over Barcelona, a peculiar stillness envelops the city. The warm, orange glow of the streetlamps filters through the thin fabric of Aitana's curtains, casting flickering shadows across her room. The only interruptions to the tranquillity come from the distant hum of a moped zipping along the cobblestone streets below. It was quiet, unlike her.

Aitana finds herself sprawled on her back, her headphones comfortably resting over her ears, as she gazes up at the plaster ceiling. She’s listened to the same Bon Iver track four times in a row.

She finds herself opening the Voice Memos app and tapping the folder Untitled

She presses record.

Aitana — Voice Memo (Not Sent)

October 18, 23:53

“Why did we stop talking?”

 She inhaled sharply.

“I know why. I know you had to go. PSG offered you more. More minutes, more money. I just–”

The microphone picked up the faint shuffle of sheets as Aitana rolled onto her front, propping herself up on her elbows.

“I thought you’d fight harder to stay. Or at least…say goodbye properly. You left me at the airport with a half-hug and a press photo. You wore the Paris kit like you hadn’t already broken something.”

“I’ve been angry. God, I’ve been angry for months now.” she huffed in disbelief. “And I’ve been pretending not to be. But sometimes I still look up how many minutes you played. I still see your face in my head when we walk out of the tunnel.”

Zaragoza, June 2024 — Last Matchday

“You’re really leaving?” Aitana’s words echoed through the dimly lit locker room, carrying a weight that lingered in the air—more assertion than inquiry.

Her voice trembled slightly, an emotional crack revealing the turmoil beneath. The faint sound of running showers persisted in the background, a reminder of the teammates who still lingered in the hallways. You turned to face Aitana, your travel bag clutched tightly in your hand, its zipper glinting in the fluorescent glow.

“I have to,” you replied, like that meant anything.

“You don’t have to,” Aitana insisted, taking a tentative step closer, her gaze intense and pleading. But then she hesitated, a flicker of doubt crossing her face. “You want to.”

“It’s not about wanting to leave. I want to win, and I want–” You paused, searching for the right words.

“You’ve won here!” Aitana interjected, her eyebrows knitting together in frustration as your back remained turned to her.

“I barely played this season, Aita.” The note of desperation in your voice was unmistakable. “I want to play. I want to have a life beyond this.”

“You had one here,” she countered, a hint of disbelief lacing her tone.

You shook your head, the weight of your decision pressing down. “No. I had you here. And maybe that’s why I can’t stay.”

Aitana — Ciutat Esportiva, After Training

October 20, 17:58

She finds herself staring at pitch three. You had twisted your ankle there once during rondos. Aitana had piggybacked you to the locker room because you refused a stretcher.

You hated looking weak in front of the others. But not in front of Aitana. Never in front of her.

Today the pitch is quiet.

Aitana takes out her phone.

Aitana — Voice Memo (Not Sent)

October 20, 18:03 — Pitch Three

“You once told me you loved me more when I was angry.” A small smile appeared on her face at the memory

“Because it meant I still cared. If that’s true, you must’ve known how much I loved you when I screamed at you that night.”

The heat in Aitana’s cheeks rose as the wind brush passed.

“I would’ve waited. If you’d asked. If you’d said something–anything–other than, ‘Don’t make this harder.’ You made it impossible.”

She stood still, her eyes focusing on the pitch.

“Sometimes I hate you for walking away.” the brunette started matter-of-factly. “But most of the time I hate myself for not running after you.”

You — Parc des Princes, Pre-match

October 21, 16:52

You hummed under your breath, a song you couldn’t really pinpoint but it had been spinning in your head for days now. One ear is listening to the chatter of your teammates behind you, the other listens to the crowd, the announcer, and the buildup.

You’re starting tonight. No nerves. Just your heartbeat and the echo of a voice that hasn’t spoken to you in fifteen months but lives in your skull anyway. 

Aitana used to say, “You light up under pressure.” What you never told her was that most of the pressure had come from knowing that she was watching.

As the final whistle blew, marking a 2-0 win, you and your teammates lingered on the pitch, relishing the moment as you strolled around to connect with the sea of fans. Your eyes swept over the crowd in a whirlwind of colour and exuberance, a swirling sea of jerseys and flags. In a moment of wishful thinking, you found yourself searching desperately for those brown eyes, hoping to catch a glimpse among the throngs of chanting supporters, hoping that somewhere in the chaos, her presence might still be felt.

You — Voice Memo (Not Sent)

October 21, 20:27 — Locker Room

“I wish you could’ve seen that pass. The one to Katoto. It looked like something you would’ve done. Maybe that’s why I risked it.” You chuckled softly.

“Everyone keeps asking if I’m happy in Paris. And I am. It’s a beautiful city. I get to play.”

“But sometimes I wake up and for five seconds I think I’m still in Barcelona. I think I’ll see your toothbrush next to mine. I think you’ll be there with your silent mornings and your coffee that’s always too bitter.”

“Sometimes I think I should just move on, Aitana, sometimes I just want to go back. But we’re both too proud to break this silence, aren’t we?”

Aitana — Bus Ride to an Away Match

October 25, 11:37

The sky outside is a muted blue, the kind that reminds her of winter mornings in Paris. She hasn’t been since you broke up back in Barcelona. She’s declined two sponsorship shoots in France, citing scheduling conflicts. The truth was, she didn’t trust herself. 

She scrolls through Spotify, finding the playlist you made for her last spring. It still has her name in the title. “Ai <3”

Aitana — Voice Memo (Not Sent)

October 25, 11:39

“You were the first person who really saw me. Not Aitana the footballer. Not the midfield engine. Just…Aitana. And you knew exactly how to love me when I didn’t know how to be loved.”

“I don’t think I’ve let anyone close since. Everyone feels like a draft I keep rewriting.” She watched the Spanish countryside run past her. 

“If I sent this, what would you do? Would you answer? Would you come back?”

You — Voice Memo (Not Sent)

October 27, 01:27 — Paris

“Mum called, she knows, but she still asks about you–I just say you’re fine.” You looked out the Paris skyline, your fingernail dragging against the window as you traced the Eiffel Tower, twinkling in the night.

“You don’t call, so I tell myself it’s over. I remind myself that you’re probably in someone else’s arms by now. But then I see your face in post-match interviews, and your smile doesn’t reach your eyes. And I wonder…”

You let out a shaky exhale.

“I wonder if you’re just as lost as me.”

Aitana — Voice Memo (Not Sent)

October 27, 01:32 — Hotel Room

“I love you. Still. More quietly now. More painfully. But I love you.”

You — Voice Memo (Not Sent, Incomplete)

October 27, 05:59 — Apartment Balcony

“I never stopped.”

The sky over Barcelona is draped in a heavy blanket of grey clouds, casting a muted light that filters through Aitana’s window in delicate beams, fragmented like memory, never full, always splintered. The room is still, a silence enveloping her as she lies in bed. 

Aitana is already awake, lost in her thoughts, when her phone vibrates softly on the nightstand, cutting through the quiet. 

One new message 

From You

In that fleeting moment, her heart doesn’t race; it halts entirely. The air in her room thickens, and even the bustling city outside seems to pause, holding its breath in unison with her. Aitana's gaze locks onto the screen, almost as if it might dissolve into nothingness. Like if she blinks too hard, she’ll lose it again. But the notification holds steady.

Just below the name, a notification beckons:

Audio Message — 3:02

She feels a tension in the air and hesitates, the seconds stretching into eternity. One second. Then two. The weight of the moment presses on her, but finally, she gathers her courage and presses play.

You — Voice Memo (Recorded at 08:32, Sent at 10:52)

“I almost sent this a hundred times. I always deleted it. I kept thinking–maybe it’s too late. Maybe you don't want to hear from me. Maybe you’ve moved on. But then I saw your story. That stupid coffee photo with lyrics like always. And I saw the caption. I saw it.”

“Encara penso en tu.”

“I don't know if I have the right to answer that, Aitana. But if there’s even a chance…if you still mean it, then I need you to hear me say it. I miss you. I miss us. And I’ve been scared, of trying again, failing again. But I'm more scared of never getting the chance.”

“So, this is me, finally not running. You don’t have to reply. Just–know that if you ever feel like coming back, I’m here. I’m still yours, if you want me.”

Aitana covers her mouth with her hand. The edges of her eyes sting. She replays the last two sentences three times. 

Her fingers shake slightly as she switches to her voice memos. She’s never recorded one after hearing your voice. Never with the possibility of being heard.

This time, she steadies herself and hits record.

Aitana — Voice Memo (Sent)

October 27, 10:57

“I listened. Four times. You sound the same. Except softer. Sadder.” Aitana inhales deeply, trying to stop the lump in her throat from cracking.

“I was angry for so long. But not just at you–at myself. For not saying what I needed to say when it mattered. For thinking you’d wait. For pretending I was okay.”

“I think about you constantly. In every pass I make. Every goal I celebrate. I wonder if you’d tease me the way you used to. I wonder if you’d be proud. I think the worst part is, I never stopped writing you into my life–even after you left.”

The brunette let out a quiet exhale, a part of her hoping that you wouldn’t reply.

“I don’t know what we are now. But I know I still love you. I know I want to see you. I know I want to stop hiding behind unsent words.”

“If you’re still mine. I want to come back.”

She hits send before she can change her mind.

[81pastrys]

Grid Flirt

Part 11 / 13

Summary— Races go by without any praise for the championship contention until Lando decides to talk with her again.

Warnings— more yelling ; angst? ; mentions of panic attacks ; rumors of sleeping around

A/N— Damn she’s really riling up Lando 😭

Series List

After our big fight we didn’t talk for weeks. In those weeks I got top 3 twice in the races held. My team gave me the silent treatment, Max talking to me on the side without them knowing. My dad was the only person I had.

After getting a 1-2 in Mexico, the interviews were dry my team still ignoring me. My dad walked up and gave me all his energy.

“Amazing job today mi flor!” He said. “It’s looking like you’re going to win.” He whispered.

“Thank you papi, I wouldn’t deserve it.” I scoff. “There’s still 4 races..”

“The way you’re winning, you have a chance.” He smiled at me.

After a long and stressful day at the paddock everyone heads back to the hotel. Although Lando hasn’t been talking to me, he’s been civil in the paddock and still shares a connecting door at hotels.

I took a shower, as I always do to clear my mind, but when I went back to my room-Lando was there. He was sitting on my bed, playing on his phone. He looked up at the sound of the door.

“Come to yell at me again?” I remark.

“No, no love.” He said. “I came to congratulate you.”

“Well I don’t deserve it.” I say, shrugging. “There’s no point.”

“You’re in the championship contention, you deserve to be congratulated.” He said. “If we’re going to be teammates, we need to get along.”

“I understand that Lando. The way I’ve been treated by this team makes me want to quit. I don’t care if I win anything anymore.” I say. “I’ll be a good teammate once the team I drive for actually acknowledges me.”

“McLaren will do that, it takes time.” He said. “You haven’t been yourself recently.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” I say sarcastic.

“Okay I don’t need the attitude.”

“Oh sorry, let me put on a fucking smile for you then.” I yell. “There’s no fucking point!”

“Let’s take a minute-“

“No! You don’t get to come in here at anytime and expect me to drop everything and be my happy cheery self when I’m racing for a team that gives no shits for me winning!” I scream at him, tears burning my face mid yell. He stays silent, so I keep going. “Yes I’m not myself, yes I’m winning races, yes I understand I’ve lost my spark! I’m losing everything here, can’t you tell? I have an anxiety attack every cooldown room, I stay in my car fearing the backlash I’ll get in the garage, this sport is a fucking joke!”

“Are you done?” He asked, still calmer than ever.

“No!” I sob exhausted from yelling. “My dad is the only person who cares for my results, he’s also the only person who doesn’t understand I’m slowly killing my self inside. You can only do so much before you feel like giving up and god damnit I’m fucking there Lando. I’m fucking there!” I scream. “I can’t distract myself either, what am I to do? Be a whore and sleep with the grid? Cry myself to sleep?!”

“Sleep with the grid?” He asked confused. “Where did that come from?”

“Don’t act like you haven’t heard.” I say.

“Heard what Diaz?” He crossed his arms.

“Horner claims he doesn’t want me on his team because I slept with the entire grid.” I explain.

“That’s not true.” He said. “You haven’t slept with me.”

“Exactly my point.” I say. “I didn’t, but the entire team hates me and what’s one more thing for them to nitpick at?”

“Rumors will be rumors, have you ever taken time to yourself?”

“How?” I ask. “If you mean to think, I don’t have to try hard. I can just go near my team and silence is a requirement.”

“You need to sit down, take a minute for yourself, and calm yourself down.” He said. “You’re yelling at me out of frustration and depression.”

“That doesn’t help, this is the way I am now.” I say shaking my head. “All I can think about is how I am driving that shit box around a track.”

“You’re supposed to like your job.” He said. “You need to assess what’s going on in a healthy way. Yelling at your future teammate is not a coping method.”

“I know that. You think I want to yell at you?” I ask, distraught. “I hate myself for yelling at you.”

“Don’t hate yourself over it, think about why you’re doing it and target that not me.” He said. “I don’t think you want to yell at me, but it’s the easier thing to do when you’re mad.”

“If these next few races go horribly I won’t make it to McLaren Lando.” I say a lot calmer than before. He realizes I know something.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“If I crash out, it won’t be by tapping the wall.” I say. “It will be a fatal life sentence of a crash.”

“I don’t think-“

“I’m not saying I am. I’m saying if I do it won’t be pretty and it will end the race entirely.”

What did she say?!

[tortillamastersblog]

Rock Bottom - Part 2 | Vada Cavell

Pairing: Vada Cavell x reader

Warnings: mentions of school shooting, PTSD, panic attacks, and gunshot injuries

Summary: The aftermath of your fallout with Vada…

Previous Part | Masterlist

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I don’t know how long I stay in my car, gasping for breath and shaking, trying to block out the sound of gunshots and screams echoing in my head.

Hearing Vada tell her mom that she kissed Mia didn’t just break my heart because I never thought she was capable of doing something like that. It broke the dam inside me, the one I had built to keep all my emotions at bay.

I tried so hard to get over the shooting and what happened. I must have started actively blocking it out until now—until it all came crashing back over me.

At one point, I’m pretty sure I almost passed out from hyperventilating, but I can’t be sure. Everything is a blur.

The ringing of my phone, over and over again, is what finally pulls me back to reality. When I grab it from the passenger seat, I see that it’s almost 4. I’ve been sitting here for nearly five hours.

Incoming call: Mom

I wipe my eyes and sniffle a few times before picking up and raising the phone to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Sweetheart? Oh my God,” my mom exclaims with a breathless sob. “Are you okay? We’ve been worried about you. Where are you? We called Vada’s mom, and she said you left hours ago.”

Guilt washes over me for making her and my dad worry. I clear my throat and run a hand through my hair, feeling drained from crying so long. I don’t want them to worry. I just want this day to be over.

“I’m fine, Mom. Sorry. I just lost track of time, that’s all,” I say quietly.

“I—Darling, where are you?” she asks, clearly not buying my excuse. “Tricia said you and Vada—”

“It’s nothing, Mom. I’m on my way home now. See you in a bit.”

I hang up before she can say anything else, breathing heavily at the reminder of what happened before I left.

Vada kissed someone else. Vada kissed Mia.

She cheated on me.

I have several missed calls from her and a few messages I can’t help but read.

Vada <3 (11:02 AM)

please pick up, i’m sorry

Vada <3 (11:03 AM)

i’m so sorry

i know you don’t want to talk to me but i can explain

please

Vada <3 (11:04 AM)

i’m sorry

Vada <3 (1:43 PM)

where are you? 

your mom just called and she says you’re not home yet

Vada <3 (1:45 PM)

i know you don’t want to talk to me, but please answer i’m worried about you

Vada <3 (3:03 PM)

baby, please

i’m so sorry

i love you

I love you. 

My eyes sting, but I’m quick to blink the tears back. I can’t cry again. If I start, I might never stop.

I stare at Vada’s texts for a moment longer, hating how my mind conjures up all kinds of images of her kissing Mia, before tossing my phone onto the passenger seat and starting the car.

I pull onto the road and drive home on autopilot, barely aware of how I got there until I’m parking in the driveway.

Almost as soon as I turn off the engine, the front door flies open and my mom rushes out. She meets me halfway and tries to cup my face in her hands, but I shrug her off and brush past her.

“Sweetie—”

“I’m fine,” I snap, dodging my dad as he rushes out of the kitchen at the sound of my voice. I take the stairs two at a time, desperate to get to my room.

I know they can tell something happened. I know they know I’m far from fine.

But right now, I just want to sleep.

My head pounds from crying so much, and I just want this day to end. As soon as I reach my room, I lock the door, draw the curtains, and crawl into bed.

Death is a weird thing. One moment you’re there—alive, breathing, taking in the world—and the next, you’re just… gone.

I don’t know if I believe in ghosts or an afterlife or something beyond this, but I do know one thing: I’m afraid of dying.

Until now, every time we discussed what to do in case of an active shooter at school, I always imagined myself as the brave one. The person who tackles the shooter or throws themselves in front of their friends to save their lives. But now, after what happened?

I don’t remember much of the shooting, but I do remember being paralyzed with fear. I’ve never been so afraid in my life, and I’ve never had a stronger urge to stay alive than in that moment.

There was a very real chance I could have died. I mean, I almost did. If the bullet that tore my ear to shreds had been aimed just a little more to the right, I wouldn’t be here right now. But I am. I’m alive. Brody isn’t.

That thought settles deep in my chest as I watch his casket being lowered into the ground.

After locking myself in my room and ignoring my parents all night, I got up this morning feeling numb and exhausted. I dressed for the funeral and left under their watchful eyes. They cautiously offered to drive me, but I declined quietly.

I hate that they’re walking on eggshells around me, now more than ever, but I don’t have it in me to tell them to stop. I don’t have it in me to tell them what happened yesterday. They probably already know—Vada’s mom must have told them—but they also probably have a million questions I’m not ready to answer.

One of them is probably whether or not Vada and I are still together.

I honestly don’t know. What she did seems like a drunken mistake, but that doesn’t change the fact that she did it. She kissed Mia. No matter how drunk or high she was, there’s no excuse for that.

She’s been pushing me away ever since the shooting, and now this.

I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to fix what we had, but I do know that for now, I need space.

I watch Brody’s older brother throw a handful of dirt onto the lowered coffin. His parents drop a rose onto it while the preacher says a few words that go in one ear and right out the other.

Almost everyone around me is crying, especially Brody’s family. Some of my teammates shed a tear or two, but me?

I can’t cry.

After last night, I literally can’t. I have no more tears left in me.

I stand there, watching everything through a haze of numbness, until the service is finally over.

Some of my teammates ask about my ear, about how I’m feeling, and all I give them are vague, half-truths before moving on to offer my condolences to Brody’s family. Then, before the reception starts, I leave. I have no interest in small talk or in listening to people talk about what a great guy Brody was.

I drive home, relieved to find the house empty. My parents are both at work, so I make myself something to eat and sit at the kitchen island, eating in silence.

Every now and then, my phone vibrates with a message—either from Vada or from my teammates—but I ignore them all. Instead, I waste away the rest of the day on the couch, staring at the black screen of the TV.

Dinner is awkward. My parents try to talk, but I don’t have the energy. I tell them I’m going back to school tomorrow.

They ask if I’m sure, reminding me again that I can stay home as long as I need to. They’ve been telling me that a lot lately.

I tell them I’m sure.

I need a distraction.

I can’t sit at home anymore, alone with nothing but my thoughts.

I pull up in front of the school half an hour before the first class starts, yet the parking lot is already packed. Students linger around, catching up and goofing off like it’s just another day.

I watch as one student pulls up on a motorcycle and parks it in front of the school, the same spot where I used to park, which makes my mind replay the morning of the shooting when I was the one pulling up on my bike.

Since then, my parents had it towed back home, but I haven’t ridden it because the helmet would only irritate my ear and because my parents, now hyper-aware of every possible danger, won’t stop reminding me of how unsafe motorcycles are, so for now, I’m stuck driving my car.

As the minutes go by, more students arrive, and much to my relief, I don’t spot Vada among them, I know she’s here today and there’s a good chance we’ll run into each other, but we don’t have the same classes, so maybe, just maybe, I won’t have to see her.

Because if I do, she’s going to want to talk about what happened, but I’m not ready, I’m still processing, still hurting.

Ever since I found out what she did, it’s like a blanket of numbness has been draped over me, I don’t really care about anything anymore. What’s for dinner? I don’t care.Am I going to make it to my next therapy appointment? I don’t know.

On one hand, it’s peaceful, like, for the first time in my life, I don’t have to stress about anything, but on the other hand, it’s exhausting, and every now and then, when I see something beautiful, like a sunset, I want to enjoy it the way I used to, but I can’t.

After sitting in my car for a few more minutes, I finally grab my bag and follow the other students inside, I don’t make it far before someone calls my name and yanks on my bag when I don’t turn around.

I spin, ready to snap at whoever it is, only to deflate when I see Nick standing there.

For a split second, I panic because where Nick is, Vada usually isn’t far behind, but this time, he seems to be alone.

“Hey, you’re back,” he says cautiously, like he didn’t just yank on my bag the way someone tugs on a stuck drawer, impatient and forceful.

“I—yeah,” I say quietly, doing my best to ignore the glances from passing students, their eyes flicking to the bandage still wrapped around my head.

Nick looks at me expectantly, waiting for something more, so I add, “Uh—I saw clips of your protest the other day, it was great, really powerful stuff, man.”

I don’t know how much Nick knows about what happened between Vada and me or if he knows anything at all, but if he does, he doesn’t bring it up, instead, he nods and nudges me playfully.

“Thanks, I’m just really glad it got as much attention as it did. You know, things really need to change, and ever since what happened, I’ve been thinking… why did I survive, like, is there a reason, and I realized that maybe this is what I was meant to do all along.”

He keeps talking, telling me about his upcoming interview on NNC, the petition he started, and everything else, and I only half-listen as we grab our things from our lockers and head to class together.

All the while, I keep looking around, hoping to see Vada, dreading to see her, but she never appears, not once throughout the entire day.

Nick sticks by me almost the whole time, his endless talking filling the silence I don’t know how to deal with, and I don’t mind, it keeps me distracted.

When I get home, my parents are both there early, they ask how my first day back was, and all I say is that it was fine before excusing myself to my room to do homework.

Since the funeral yesterday, Vada hasn’t tried to contact me again, and the silence leaves a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I know I told her I needed space, but does her not texting or calling mean she’s giving up on us?

I keep replaying our last interaction in my head, the way the color drained from her face when she saw me standing in the hallway and realized I had heard everything she said.

At first, I was hurt, still am, then yesterday, after the funeral, I was angry while I wasted the day away on the couch, but now?

Now, I just feel empty, like her absence has left a hole inside me that only she can fill.

Still, she cheated, and I don’t know how to get past that or even how I feel about it anymore.

It’s only been three days, but I already miss her, and at the same time, I hope she stays away.

I finish my homework quickly before my dad calls me downstairs for dinner, we eat outside on the patio by the pool, the water glittering in the golden light of the setting sun.

Afterward, I excuse myself, go inside, shower, and climb into bed. I put on some trash TV, occasionally checking my phone for any new messages, but there aren’t any.

I fall asleep a few hours later, still waiting for something I’m not sure I even want.

The next morning isn’t much different from the last. I get ready, my movements slow and my mind foggy, eat breakfast with my parents, who try to include me in some small talk before eventually giving up, then head to school, not listening to the radio even though it’s turned up pretty loud in an attempt to fill the void inside me.

Nick greets me in the parking lot almost as soon as I get out of the car, and we make our way into the school, my eyes searching the sea of students for Vada, but she’s not there. Once again, we don’t have the same classes, so I guess we won’t be seeing each other again, but then, in the middle of French class, I get a text that makes my heart stop.

Vada <3 (11:12 AM)

come 2 stairs im hiiiigh

I frown, lowering my phone so it’s hidden under the table before quickly typing back.

You (11:12 AM)

What?

She hasn’t texted me since her last I love you, and my eyes keep darting between the two messages until she replies almost instantly.

Vada <3 (11:13 AM)

hurry im drowning

Confused and a little concerned, I raise my hand and ask to go to the restroom before hurrying out of the classroom and down the empty corridors. I keep checking my phone in case she texts something else, but she doesn’t. Then, when I turn the corner, I freeze.

Vada is lying on her back at the bottom of the stairs, a lazy smile on her face, her dark hair wild and splayed around her, covering parts of her face as she clumsily tries to brush it away.

"Vada?" I ask tentatively, snapping out of my trance and approaching her slowly so I don’t startle her.

At the sound of my voice, she lifts her head slightly and smiles, unfocused and loopy. It’s only then that I realize her lips, the entire right side of her chin, and her fingers are covered in ink.

What the hell did she do?

I thought maybe she lied in her text just to get me to talk to her, but she actually seems high, and when she speaks, it confirms it.

"Oh, heyyy," she drawls, letting her head fall back down with a thunk that makes me wince on her behalf, but she doesn’t even react.

I pocket my phone and rush to her side, my confusion momentarily overshadowed by my concern.

"Vada, what did you do?" I ask, kneeling next to her and brushing her hair out of her face.

She blinks blearily, chuckles, then falters as her eyes focus on me, her expression shifting slightly.

"What'r you doin' here?" she slurs, her hands grasping onto the hem of my sweater.

I look her over, making sure she doesn’t have any injuries from maybe falling down the stairs before meeting her glassy, unfocused eyes again.

"You texted me," I remind her, glancing around nervously. If anyone sees her like this, she could get expelled.

"Why is your mouth all blue? What did you do?" I ask again, making her whine as she turns her head away.

"Pen exploded in my mouth," she mumbles dramatically, writing nonsense on the floor with an imaginary pen, though her grip on my sweater doesn’t loosen. "I just..."

"You just...?" I prompt, but she completely blanks, staring at the bottom of the stairs like she’s forgotten what she was about to say.

Goddamnit.

I sigh, looking around again, jumping slightly when I hear a door close somewhere nearby.

"Shit, we have to get you out of here before someone sees," I whisper, but she doesn’t reply, just closes her eyes and hums, her fingers twitching against the fabric of my sweater.

Pulling out my phone, I quickly text Nick to meet me in the parking lot before slipping my phone back into my pocket and tapping Vada’s cheek lightly to get her to look at me.

"I’m going to get you out of here, okay?" I say, and for a moment, she just stares at me, a dazed, almost forlorn smile on her face before she nods.

"Mkay."

Slipping my arms underneath her knees and shoulders, I scoop her up, getting to my feet with a huff. I’ve carried her before—when she fell asleep on the couch and I brought her to bed, or when she passed out in the car after a long drive—but my lack of proper sleep and food has taken its toll, making her feel heavier than usual despite the fact that she weighs almost nothing.

I make sure her head is tucked against my chest, pausing for a moment when I see her eyes are closed, before making my way to the parking lot.

I almost run into a teacher or student twice, but I always manage to duck behind a corner just in time before slipping outside, where Nick is already waiting, leaning against his car.

He’s on his phone, frowning, but when he sees me coming, his jaw drops. He quickly puts his phone away and rushes over.

"Oh my God, what’s going on? What happened?" He brushes some hair out of Vada’s face, making her grumble against me while his nose wrinkles at the sight of the ink around her mouth before looking at me expectantly.

"She’s high," I say, tightening my grip on her when she turns to bury her face against my chest.

"She’s—what?" Nick gapes at me, but I just shake my head, my patience thinning as my arms start to ache.

"She’s high," I repeat, a little more impatiently. "I don’t know what she took, but she texted me, and I found her like this at the bottom of the stairs. We have to get her home before anyone sees."

"Shit. Okay... Yeah." Nick nods, fumbling for his keys before unlocking his car and opening the passenger door so I can put Vada inside.

I don’t have my keys with me since they’re still in my bag, and I didn’t bring it with me, so he’ll have to drive her home.

I carefully settle a grumbling Vada into the seat, but when I try to pull back to buckle her in, she tightens her grip on my sweater and pulls me closer again.

"No, don’t go," she whispers, her eyes still closed, and my stomach sinks.

I swallow thickly, my gaze tracing over her face before I gently pry her fingers off me. I wasn’t expecting our first time seeing each other again to turn out like this, and I don’t know whether she really wants me to stay since she hasn’t reached out to me, or if that’s just the drugs talking, so I pull back completely, buckle her in, and lower the back of her seat so she’s more comfortable.

Nick watches me with concern before sliding into the driver’s seat, turning on the car, then looking at me expectantly when I don’t get in the back.

"Well? Aren’t you getting in?" he asks.

I shake my head and take a step back, making him frown.

"Why not?"

"It’s... complicated," I say after a moment, watching his eyes dart between me and Vada. Before he can ask anything else, I add, "Just take her home, please?"

He hesitates for a moment before nodding. I offer him a grateful smile, then close the door and watch as he drives off.

What the fuck was that?

The next day, unsurprisingly, Vada wasn’t at school. Nick texted me after dropping her off, saying she’d be fine, but he didn’t press about what’s going on between us, which I’m thankful for.

She didn’t text me either, which makes me worry a little, but I feel like I’d be crossing a line if I texted or called to ask how she’s doing.

I still don’t know why she did drugs at school, she barely even used to touch alcohol when we went to parties before, much less anything harder, so I’m completely blindsided by her behavior, but then again, since the shooting, she’s changed a lot and I don’t feel like I know her anymore at all.

The hurt of what she did has finally settled, and even though it’s not as sharp as before, it still stings, leaving me sad and confused.

My parents are more worried than ever, but I still avoid them, barely acknowledging them during dinner or breakfast, but they don’t push me, which I’m grateful for.

Now it’s Friday, and I watch with bated breath as students file into the classroom while Ms. Foster squares some papers on her desk, waiting for everyone to arrive before she begins her lesson.

More and more students trickle in, and for a moment, I think Vada might not come to school today either, but then she appears in the doorway, and I tense at the sight of her.

She’s dressed the way she usually is—an oversized shirt that absolutely does not match her basketball shorts and sneakers—but what catches my attention is the fact that the shirt she’s wearing is mine.

It’s old, something I had forgotten about until now, until she just walked in, casually wearing it while her eyes sweep over the room.

She looks tired, dark circles resting under her eyes, her whole body sagging in on itself, but her long dark hair looks freshly washed, falling down her back in soft waves, and her mouth is no longer stained with blue ink.

All in all, she looks good, the way she always does, and I feel a tug of longing deep in my chest at the sight of her, but then I remember how she kissed someone else, and my heart sinks.

Her eyes continue to scan the room until they finally land on me. She straightens slightly, though her face remains unreadable, adjusting the strap of her bag where it hangs halfheartedly off her shoulder.

For a moment, we just look at each other, taking each other in, until someone shoves past her to get inside, forcing her to move further into the classroom. Her eyes flick toward our usual seats at the front, where two open spots remain—almost as if everyone else knows we usually sit there—but today, I’ve chosen a seat near the back, surrounded by occupied chairs with no empty spots beside me.

Seeing her is painful, and even though I helped her two days ago, I’m not ready to talk to her yet, if that’s even something she wants to do.

She looks between me and the empty seats again, and when a flicker of guilt crosses her face, I look away while she reluctantly takes a seat by herself.

The day goes by faster than I expected since I manage to avoid Vada for the rest of the day after our first class together. Now, I’m walking to my car, headphones in my ears, listening to some podcast my therapist recommended the last time I saw him.

I unlock the car and open the back door when I reach it, shoving my bag into the back seat before closing it again and reaching for the driver’s side door. Before I can open it, I feel a tap on my shoulder, making me flinch and yank my headphones out of my ears.

"Sorry," Vada mumbles sheepishly when I whirl around, wringing her fingers together in front of her.

So much for successfully avoiding her…

I clear my throat and pause the podcast, taking a step back so I’m not so close to her.

"It’s, uh, okay."

I glance up hesitantly and find Vada already looking at me, her expression conflicted. Her eyebrows are drawn together slightly, and her dark eyes, which usually shine with mischief, are dull and full of sadness.

"I..." she hesitates, shoulders tensing. "Can we talk?"

A part of me wants to say yes immediately because, after the last two days, I’ve realized I miss her horribly, but the other part of me—the part that was hurt—pushes that feeling to the back of my mind.

She hurt me.

She hurt me like no one else ever has, and she did it while I was trying to be there for her, while I was suffering myself.

She kissed Mia.

I really want to say yes, especially because those eyes of hers always make me weak, but I can’t. Not yet. Not only because I don’t know what I’d say, but also because I’m not sure I want to potentially hurt her by saying something I don’t mean in the long run.

I helped her when she was high, yes, but that doesn’t mean we’re good again. I still have a lot to process, and if she doesn’t get that or respect that, maybe our relationship wasn’t meant to be in the first place.

I’m about to say no, but my tongue feels heavy, so I take a moment before settling on, "I can’t. I have therapy."

"Oh." Vada steps back and nods, her lips pressing into a thin smile. "Okay..."

I offer a small, equally thin smile—not because I’m happy, but because the whole situation is just awkward—then watch as she turns and walks away, looking utterly defeated.

I sigh, then slide into my car and pull out of the school’s parking lot.

I do have therapy, but not until tonight.

I just couldn’t bring myself to outright say no, so I used it as an excuse.

"Hey..."

I look up from my book on my bed to find my dad standing in the doorway, dressed in a nice suit and wearing the watch my mom got him for their ten-year anniversary.

"Hey, what’s up?" I ask quietly, slipping a finger between the pages to keep my place before closing it.

He steps into the room, brushing his fingers over my track medals on the hook next to my door with a small smile before turning his attention back to me.

"Mom and I are heading out now. Are you sure you’re going to be fine all alone?"

I chuckle softly and nod, running a hand through my hair. "I’m sure, Dad. We’ve been over this. It’s just a business dinner. It’s not like you’re going on a cruise for months on end."

My dad raises his hands in mock surrender, shaking his head fondly. "Okay, okay. I’m just making sure."

It’s Saturday night, and I spent the whole day catching up on schoolwork until I finally had enough and flopped onto my bed to read. My parents have an important business dinner tonight with one of their high-profile clients, and even though they offered to have one of them stay home to keep me company, I insisted they both go. It’s an important dinner, and it’s best if they’re both there.

"It’s fine, Dad." I wave him off and go to open my book again, expecting him to leave, but he lingers at the bottom of my bed, making me raise an eyebrow.

"Yes?"

He stiffens slightly, as if surprised I noticed, then gives me a hesitant smile. "Oh, nothing, it’s just… You know you can talk to us about anything, right?"

Sighing, I put my book down for good and sit up a little more against the headboard. This isn’t the first time he or Mom has said something like this, but until now, I just nodded and brushed them off. It’s getting to be a bit too much, though, so I think it’s time I address it.

"I know," I say honestly, because, really, I do. I can talk to them about anything. "But I’m not ready to talk about anything yet, Dad. Not about the shooting, or about Vada, or anything else, okay? I... need more time."

His expression softens, and he pats my foot gently. "Okay. I understand. I’m just saying."

"I know." I smile, too—one of my first genuine smiles in a while.

"Good." He pats my foot again just as my mom calls for him, saying she’s ready. "That’s my cue."

I nod, wishing him a good night and reassuring him that I’ll call if I need anything before he finally leaves, once again touching my medals on his way out.

I hear the front door open and close downstairs, followed by the sound of the car pulling out of the driveway. Then… silence.

The palm trees outside my window rustle in the wind, carrying gray clouds across the sky all day, a warning of the coming rain. I ignore it, settling back into my book until my stomach rumbles.

Heading downstairs, I heat up some leftovers from lunch, eating at the kitchen island while watching a random YouTube video on my phone. Outside, the rain finally starts, tapping softly against the windows as I finish my meal.

After putting my dishes in the dishwasher and turning it on since it’s full, I make my way back to my room.  Halfway up the stairs, I stop though when a loud pounding echoes from the front door. Frowning, I pause before cautiously making my way back down.

I check the camera feed on the panel next to the door, a jolt of surprise shooting through me when I see who it is.

It’s Vada.

I open the door, immediately getting whipped in the face by wind and stray drops of rain. But that’s nothing compared to what Vada is dealing with.

She’s drenched, her arms crossed over her chest against the cold, her hair dripping wet. A few strands stick to her forehead and the side of her face, while the rest is pulled into a messy bun at the nape of her neck.

She’s shivering, and as soon as I open the door, she looks up at me with wide, uncertain eyes.

I’m so shocked to see her here, not having expected it, that I don’t even give her a chance to speak before grabbing her arm and pulling her inside.

"What are you doing, you idiot?" I scold, my voice sharp with concern. "You’re going to get sick!"

"I'm sorry," she says quietly, and just like that, I soften.

"Don't apologize," I correct gently, tugging on the sleeve of her soaked shirt. "Just come with me. Let’s get you out of those wet clothes."

She looks at me like a deer caught in headlights, frozen in place, and it takes a small nod of my head toward the stairs to make her mumble a quiet "okay" and follow me to my room.

My mind is racing, wondering why she’s here and why she walked all this way in this weather, but I push the questions aside. I’ll ask once she’s in dry clothes.

In my bedroom, she lingers by the door, looking uncertain, and my heart aches at the sight. She used to feel so at home here, used to jump onto my bed without a second thought or grab whatever she wanted from my closet like it was hers, but now she just stands there, hesitant, like she’s waiting for permission.

I pull some sweatpants and a hoodie from my closet, knowing they’ll be way too big on her, but it’s all I have, so it’ll have to do.

"Here," I say, handing them to her before stepping into my en-suite bathroom to grab a towel for her hair. "I’ll be downstairs when you’re done."

Vada looks like she’s close to tears, and I can’t blame her. This is the most we’ve talked since I found out about the kiss—well, apart from when she was high, but that doesn’t count—but she doesn’t say anything except a meek little "thank you" before I step out of the room and close the door behind me.

I head downstairs, my mind racing with all the possibilities of why Vada came here. From the looks of it, she showed up on a whim, otherwise, she would have asked Nick to drive her, or worn a jacket, or at least brought an umbrella, but that still doesn’t answer the question why?

Without thinking, I fill the kettle next to the coffee machine with water and pull two mugs from the cupboard, mindlessly dropping teabags into them, ginger lemon, Vada’s favorite, before waiting for the water to boil.

As steam rises, filling the kitchen with the warm, citrusy scent of the tea, I pick up the mugs and carry them to the living room just as Vada comes downstairs.

She fumbles with the too-long sleeves of my hoodie, pulling them over her hands, and I feel a strange mix of emotions at the sight of my last name printed across her chest. I hadn’t even realized I gave her one of my official track hoodies—the one with our school’s name and my last name embroidered on it.

My sweatpants pool around her ankles, but she doesn’t seem to mind. Her hair is drier now, loose and falling in soft waves over her shoulders, framing her face in a way that makes her look smaller, more vulnerable than I’m used to.

She hesitates, unsure of what to do, watching me carefully as I sit down on the couch and set the mugs on the coffee table. After a moment, she slowly joins me, keeping a noticeable space between us.

"Here," I say quietly, nudging her tea closer before taking my own mug and lifting it to my lips.

It’s too hot, and the second I take a sip, I wince as it burns my tongue, but I set it down quickly, pretending like nothing happened.

"Thank you."

Vada picks up her mug with both hands, wrapping her fingers around it in search of warmth before taking a hesitant sip, careful not to burn her tongue the way I did.

I dip my chin in acknowledgment, keeping my eyes on her while she drinks. Her gaze meets mine over the rim of her mug before quickly darting away. She slowly lowers the mug into her lap, pulling one leg onto the couch and shifting so she’s sitting on her ankle. It looks like she’s deliberately stalling for time, but I don’t push her. She came here for a reason, and she’s just not sure how to say it yet.

Yesterday, I said I wasn’t ready to talk, but when she showed up at my door, soaking wet and looking so lost, I couldn’t help but let her in. Now, I want to know why she’s here and what she has to say.

"I..." she starts quietly, but her voice falters when her eyes meet mine again.

She watches me for a moment, biting the inside of her cheek until her chin starts quivering. Her eyes fill with tears, and she quickly looks away again.

A lump rises in my throat, but I try to swallow it down as I sit back, hugging my arms around myself while she struggles to find the words.

"I'm... so sorry," she says eventually, sniffling. "For coming here, for causing even more trouble... and I know you said you weren’t ready to talk, but I just had to see you. I—I miss you."

She hesitantly meets my eyes, as if she’s afraid of what I might say, but I stay quiet, my chest tightening with every word that leaves her.

"This past week... I’ve been miserable without you. Every morning I wake up, hoping that what happened was just a nightmare, but it’s not. It’s not and it’s all my fault."

Her breath hitches, and she lowers her head, a tear slipping down her cheek that she doesn’t bother to wipe away.

"I kissed Mia, and I hurt you, and there’s no excuse for that. I kissed her even though I knew it was wrong, but ever since the shooting... I’ve been feeling so... empty. At first, I had constant nightmares. I was afraid to go back to school. I even peed my fucking pants once because I didn’t go to the bathroom all day and then I stepped on an empty can outside and it scared me so bad I—" She chokes on a sob, her grip tightening around her mug, but I still see the way her hands shake. "Then everything just stopped. I shut everything and everyone out because it was easier, but the emptiness took over and I felt like I was drowning."

She chokes on another sob, her breathing uneven.

"Every time I see you, I’m reminded of what happened and how close I came to losing you, and it broke me more than you could ever imagine. I know that isn’t an excuse for anything, I know. I fucked up so badly, and I won’t even blame you if you don’t ever want to see me again after this, but I just had to let you know...

She swallows hard, her voice growing weaker.

"Mia reached out to me after the shooting because she was home alone, and we hid together that day. We spent most of our time at her place because her dads are in Japan somewhere, and we drank wine and smoked weed and..."

She trails off, pressing her lips together, shame written all over her face.

And then we kissed.

She doesn’t say it, but she doesn’t have to. The words get stuck in her throat.

I clench my fists and close my own eyes, willing the image of her and Mia out of my mind.

"I swear, I never meant to hurt you, but I did, and if I could take it all back, I would. I never would have shut you out, I never would have kissed Mia, and I never would have done drugs, but I can’t change what happened." Her voice is thick with regret. "All I can do is try to explain and say I’m sorry, because I am. I’m so fucking sorry—"

She gasps between words, sobbing harder now. "But I get it if you want to kick me out. I get it if you hate me and don’t want to see me again, but—but—"

Before she can start hyperventilating, I open my eyes and scoot closer, prying her tea from her hands and setting it on the coffee table.

"Vada, Vada, stop," I say quietly, making her look up, her chest still heaving.

Her bottom lip quivers, and I blink back my own tears, forcing myself not to reach out, not to brush her hair behind her ear, not to wipe away her tears.

"I don’t hate you," I admit softly.

She lets out a broken whimper.

"And I get it. I get it, believe me, because I’ve barely coped either since it happened. But you really hurt me, and I... I can’t just move on as if nothing happened."

Vada meets my eyes, and the regret and sorrow I see in hers make my heart clench.

"I missed you, too," I confess, my voice barely above a whisper. "But... I need time, okay?"

She plays with the sleeves of my hoodie, her breathing still shaky but more controlled now. Slowly, she nods.

She doesn’t say anything, so I say, "Okay?" again, gentler this time.

She finally meets my gaze, whispering a broken, "Okay..."

The silence between us settles, heavy but not unbearable. The storm outside grows stronger, as rain pelts against the windows and thunder rumbles in the distance.

Vada swallows thickly and wrings her fingers in her lap before abruptly getting to her feet. I follow suit, our half-full mugs abandoned on the coffee table.

"I should go," she says quietly, already making her way around the couch toward the front door.

I catch her wrist gently and shake my head, looking at her incredulously.

"Like hell you are," I say. "It’s pouring out there, it’s dark, and I’m not letting you walk home. It’s not safe to drive either."

She looks at me, as if asking Then what am I supposed to do?

I sigh, releasing her wrist. "Come on, you can stay the night."

Her eyes widen. She wasn’t expecting that at all.

We’re far from being okay, but I’m not about to send her out in weather like this. I’m also not comfortable driving her home in this storm, and there’s no way I’d let her take a shady Uber either. So, without giving her time to argue, I tug her upstairs, ignoring her dumbfounded expression as I lead her to my room.

"You know where everything is," I say, referring to the toothbrush and face wash she’s left in my bathroom before. "Take the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch."

She whirls around, seemingly ready to protest, but I’m already at the door with my hand on the doorknob.

"Good night," I say quietly.

She exhales, deflating slightly. "Good night."

Her eyes stay on me until I close the door behind me.

I brush my teeth in my parents’ bathroom, grabbing a spare toothbrush from under the sink before heading back downstairs and settling onto the couch.

I get what Vada means—trying to find something, anything, to replace the emptiness inside you—but like she said, it doesn’t excuse her kissing someone else. I still don’t know how I feel about all of this.

Right now, I’m just tired.

Before settling in, I pull out my phone and quickly type out a message to Millie, just in case she or her parents are worried about Vada’s whereabouts.

You (11:42 PM)

Hey, just letting you know Vada’s safe. She showed up here in the rain, and with the storm, I didn’t want her driving home, so she’s staying the night.

I don’t wait for a reply. I just turn off my phone and pull the throw blanket from the back of the couch over myself, tucking it under my chin and closing my eyes as the storm rages on outside.

I fall asleep a couple of minutes later to the sound of rain pelting against the windows and thunder rumbling in the distance.

"So, what are you doing today?" Vada asks hesitantly as I pull onto her street.

The entire drive has been quiet, the weight of our conversation from last night still lingering in the air.

This morning, my parents found me on the couch and asked why I wasn’t in bed. When I simply said "Vada's here," their eyes widened slightly before they quickly nodded in understanding, not pressing me for more before heading upstairs to bed.

They didn’t comment on her presence at breakfast either. When she came into the kitchen, they greeted her the same way they always do, but excused themselves fairly quickly, vanishing somewhere in the house with their coffee and toast while Vada and I silently ate cream cheese bagels at the kitchen table.

She wanted to leave right after waking up, but when she admitted she hadn’t eaten dinner last night, I insisted she have breakfast first. So we ate together, still saying little, before I offered to drive her home.

"I don’t know yet," I say honestly, stopping in front of her house. "I still have to catch up on some schoolwork, so… yeah."

Vada hums in acknowledgment and reaches for the door handle. She hesitates for a moment before opening it, turning back to me with a cautious expression.

"See you around?"

"See you around," I confirm, offering a tight-lipped smile.

She steps out, still dressed in my clothes, and makes her way up the front steps. When Millie opens the door and sees me, she waves, and I wave back, offering her a brighter smile before watching both of them disappear inside.

Only when the door closes behind them do I finally put the car in drive and head back home.

It’s Monday again, one week and a day since Vada showed up on my doorstep in the rain, and to be honest, not a lot has happened since then. I’ve been going to school like always, keeping up with therapy, and I finally got my stitches removed from my ear. It looks a little awkward now since the bullet basically severed the shell of my ear almost completely from the side of my head, but honestly? I’m just grateful to be alive, and it doesn’t look that bad.

Vada and I see each other occasionally at school, acknowledging each other with small nods, but other than that, we haven’t really interacted. I still sit in the back of our shared classes, but unlike the first time, she doesn’t look regretful anymore—just sad. When she sees me, she offers a small, knowing smile before sitting at the front without complaint.

Nick’s caught in the middle, and I’m pretty sure Vada told him what happened because when he saw me last Monday, he had this look, like he knew everything but didn’t want to pry. He’s always been more her friend than mine, so I can’t be mad that he mostly sticks by her while I’ve been hanging out with my track teammates instead.

Brody’s death somehow brought us all closer, and after practice on Friday, we went bowling together. It was nice, in a bittersweet kind of way.

My parents have also backed off the way I indirectly asked them to, but I do notice how their smiles get a little brighter whenever I engage in small talk with them. Considering everything, I guess I am doing better. The nightmares still come, but less frequently now. The only thing that really keeps me up these days, the one thing that still lingers like a thorn in my side, is Vada’s absence from my life.

Ever since I dropped her off after she spent the night at mine, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what she said. She wasn’t there to beg for forgiveness—she just told me what happened because she felt like it was the right thing to do. And when she said she’d understand if I wanted her to leave, or if I hated her? That broke me a little.

Because I don’t hate her. I couldn’t.

If she’d slept with Mia… okay, that would be a different story. But kissing her? In a drunken haze, just trying to feel something in the emptiness the shooting left in her? I get it. Maybe I should still be mad. Maybe I should still be hurt. But the truth is, I’m not.

And it doesn’t help that she’s everywhere.

At school, where she keeps a respectful distance. On my phone, where a picture of her drinking a Slurpee is still my background, or on my bedside table, where there’s a framed photo of us curled up in front of the fireplace in my backyard, taken by my parents when neither of us was looking.

She’s just... there. Always.

I keep telling my therapist the same thing—how I should be mad, but I’m just not anymore, and that I miss her. He tells me there’s no timeline for how long we feel things, and that if I miss her now, then that’s okay. If I want to do something about it, I should.

And I will. I know I will.

But I can feel it, I just need a little more time. Just a fraction of space before I take that step. Because the last thing I want is to rush into something I’m not completely ready for. That wouldn’t be fair to her, or to me.

And I know Vada. I know she’d rather wait for something real than settle for something that doesn’t last.

The last bell of the day rings, dismissing me and the rest of the class. I pack everything up with a slight frown, a headache pounding behind my eyes. Almost all of the other students have gone home already, but a handful of us had to stay for an extra AP math class. Vada and Nick both left after lunch since they don’t take this class, and honestly, I’m kind of jealous even though I like math.

I sling my bag over my shoulder and head out of the classroom amidst the other students, saying goodbye to Mr. Henson on the way out before making my way through the mostly empty school and across the parking lot. I get in my car, throwing my bag onto the back seat before plugging the AUX cable into my phone and turning on my playlist. Only when the music is playing do I start the car, rolling the windows down to let the late autumn air brush against my cheek as I drive home.

I’m only on the road for about five minutes when my phone starts ringing at a red light. Glancing at the screen, I’m surprised to see Millie calling. I answer and put my phone on speaker just as the light turns green and I start driving again.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Y/N,” Millie says hesitantly. “Is now a bad time?”

“No, not at all. What’s up?” I ask, tapping my fingers against the steering wheel. No matter what happened between Vada and me, I’m still really fond of Millie, and even though I’m surprised she’s calling, I don’t mind.

“This is kind of weird, but practice just finished and Mom was supposed to pick me up, but she just called and said Vada’s therapy appointment ran over, so she won’t be able to make it across town for another forty minutes. I was wondering… if you’re not busy or anything, if you could maybe pick me up?” Her voice gets unnaturally high at the end of her sentence, and before I can say anything, she rushes to add, “I would call Dad, but he’s still at work, and I don’t want to bother him. I just thought—”

Already making a U-turn to head toward Millie’s middle school, I chuckle and cut her off gently. “It’s fine, Millie. I’ll come get you. I’m in the car anyway.”

“Really?”

“Of course,” I say. It’s not the first time I’ve picked her up from somewhere, and I’d hate for her to sit around for almost an hour waiting. “I’ll be there in ten, okay? Do you want to stay on the phone until then, or are you fine?”

“No, it’s fine. Maya and Lilly are here too, so I’m fine. Thank you,” she says quietly, making me smile softly.

“Alright then. You’re welcome.”

She hangs up, and I drive to her school, pulling into the parking lot near the lacrosse field, where she’s still dressed in her jersey and shorts, gym bag slung over her shoulder as she chats with two other girls—Maya and Lilly, I assume.

I pull up next to them, smiling when Millie immediately waves at me. She hugs the other two girls before getting into my car, stuffing her bag between her feet and buckling herself in.

“Hey,” I say, pulling back onto the road while she grabs my phone to change the music. “How was school?”

She sighs heavily and launches into a rant about how one of her teachers should be fired for sheer incompetence and only still has a job because of tenure. Then she tells me about lacrosse practice and how their coach had them doing shooting drills today before turning in her seat to look at me with a sheepish smile.

“What?” I ask with a confused grin.

“Can we go to Starbucks?” she asks, her eyes darting to the drive-thru coming up on the right.

I chuckle softly, already switching lanes. “Sure, but you’re not getting anything with caffeine. I don’t want your mom to kill me when you’re bouncing off the walls later.”

“Yay!” she beams.

I pull into the drive-thru, letting her order some ridiculously sugary drink that will definitely keep her up just as much as coffee would have (I obviously didn’t think this through, but oh well). I get a matcha for myself, then we grab our drinks and make our way back onto the road.

Millie flips through songs on my phone, sipping her drink with a satisfied smile before she suddenly turns a little more solemn, glancing at me.

“Yes?” I say without looking away from the road, sensing her shifting nervously in her seat out of the corner of my eye.

“What?”

“Spit it out,” I say. “There’s clearly something on your mind.”

She hesitates for a moment, just as one song fades out and a softer one starts playing.

“Are… Are you and Vada okay?” she asks cautiously, right as I turn onto her street.

I let out a slow breath and don’t answer until I’ve pulled up in front of her house. Turning in my seat to face her, I offer a small smile and shrug. “I don’t know yet,” I admit honestly. She looks a little sad at that, so I quietly add, “But I think we’ll be fine.”

That makes her perk up a little, and she smiles tentatively before nodding, not pushing it further. She picks up her bag from between her legs and places it on her lap, but she doesn’t make a move to get out just yet. “Do you want to come in for a bit?” she asks hopefully. “I was planning on filming a new vlog and could use your help.”

I want to say yes because I have nothing else to do tonight, but Ms. Cavell’s car is in the driveway, which means she got home earlier than expected. It also means Vada is home and I’m not ready to face her like that just yet. “I can’t, I’m sorry,” I lie, adding, “Some other time, though. Okay?”

Not having expected much, Millie only resigns a little and nods. “Okay. Thanks for picking me up again. And thanks for—” she waves her empty Starbucks cup with a small grin.

“You’re welcome.” I send her a smile and watch her get out of the car, waiting until she’s safely inside before driving home.

“You’re not at practice for a little over a week, and you’re already slower than a turtle,” one of my teammates teases as I sit on the track, breathing heavily after taking a sip of water.

It’s my first time back at practice since the shooting, but I’m not that slow.

“Oh, shut up, Johannson,” I retort, rolling my eyes as I push myself up. The rest of the team is gathered around our coach, so I make my way over to join them.

“That’s it for today, people. You did good. Now go home, get some rest, and come back tomorrow for some more ass-kicking,” he says, making us all chuckle as we break apart and head for the locker rooms.

The sky above the track is painted in shades of pink and orange as the sun starts to set, and I take a moment to enjoy the cool evening breeze before finally heading inside.

I shower quickly and get dressed, throwing my bag over my shoulder before wishing the others a good night.

Tonight, my parents are taking me out to dinner—even though it’s a school night—and I’ve got to admit, I’m looking forward to it. I haven’t gone out since the shooting, and after practice, a good meal sounds like exactly what I need. It’s a small step toward normalcy after the craziness of the last two weeks.

I’m about to get into my car, my legs feeling heavy after practice, when someone calls my name from a distance, making me stop and turn around.

Much to my surprise, I see Vada half-walking, half-running toward me, clearly in a hurry to catch me before I leave. My eyebrows knit together as I take her in, a little confused about why she’s still here at school when it ended two hours ago.

“Vada? What are you still doing here?” I ask, my tone curious rather than accusatory.

She comes to a stop in front of me, slightly out of breath, and I watch as her sheepish smile fades into something more uncertain. It’s like she didn’t think this all the way through, like she hadn’t considered the possibility that I would stop and wait for her.

“I—Nick and I had to finish a project in the library,” she finally says, and just then, I spot Nick walking out of the school, phone in hand. When he catches me looking, he just nods and waves, completely unsurprised to see me standing here.

I glance at Vada again. A project? My gaze flicks toward Nick, noticing that neither he nor Vada has their bags with them. They must’ve left them in their lockers—if they even brought them to begin with.

Something tells me they didn’t.

I drag out my “Okay…” watching her closely, but she either doesn’t notice or chooses to ignore my suspicion.

“I just… I saw you coming out of the locker room, and I—I wanted to thank you for picking up Millie yesterday,” she says quickly, like she just thought of it and used it as an excuse to talk to me.

I don’t call her out on it, though. Instead, I shrug, offering a small smile. “Oh. Okay. Yeah, it was no big deal, really.”

Vada shakes her head and glances over her shoulder, where Nick is making his way to his car—not parked too far from mine. It’s obvious he’s giving us space.

The fact that she waited here this whole time just for a chance to talk to me makes something warm settle in my chest.

She shifts on her feet, fiddling with her fingers, and I soften at the nervous habit.

“No, it was. Thank you. She kept talking about how you got her Starbucks at dinner. Like, she wouldn’t shut up about it,” she continues, her voice a little uncertain, as if she’s trying to make conversation just to keep me here a little longer.

I exhale sharply, not quite a laugh, but something close to it. “Well, good to know she had a nice time.”

She hums in acknowledgment, and a charged silence settles between us. I shift on my feet, hesitating before reaching for the door handle of my car, when she suddenly blurts out,

“Can we talk?”

I freeze.

“Like, again,” she clarifies, her voice softer now. “I feel like a lot of stuff is still unsaid between us, and—and I would like to know where you stand, so…”

Her words hang in the air between us.

A week ago, I would have said no. I would have told her I wasn’t ready. But I’ve had time to reflect, to sit with everything, and I’ve realized I do want to talk. I want to hear what she has to say, and maybe more than that, I just want her.

I meet her eyes, my throat a little dry as I nod. “I’d like that.”

She blinks, her jaw slackening for a split second before she quickly recovers. Her back straightens, and she brushes a strand of hair behind her ear in a way that makes my chest tighten.

“O-Okay.”

I smile softly, even though she isn’t looking at me anymore, and add, “But I can’t tonight. My parents are taking me out to dinner.”

She looks up with wide, hopeful eyes and nods quickly. “Sure, okay. No worries… Have fun. I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

I nod. “Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

Vada hesitates for a moment, then nods again, mumbling a quiet, “Okay,” before turning on her heel and walking off toward Nick’s car.

I watch as she says something to him that makes him raise his eyebrows before he glances at me with an amused smile. Whatever she told him makes him smirk, and before he can tease her, she quickly shoos him away and practically shoves him into the car.

I chuckle as I watch them drive off, then get into my own car, a strange giddy feeling settling in the pit of my stomach.

Maybe I’m just hungry.

But I don’t think so.

A cup being set down on my table makes me look up the next morning, and when I see Vada standing in front of me with a shy smile, I can’t help but smile a little too.

“Uh, hi,” I say. “What’s this?” I glance at the cup, noticing she has one too, and so does Nick, who’s chatting with some friends near the door.

“Nick and I went to Starbucks—”

“Per usual,” I tease lightly, cutting her off.

She blinks, momentarily taken aback, before a small spark of amusement flickers in her eyes.

“And I thought you might want some too. Oh, and—” She shifts her bag, which is slung over one shoulder, pulling it in front of her and setting her cup down momentarily before digging inside. A second later, she pulls out a small brown paper bag and sets it in front of me. “—cake pops.”

Overcome with emotion, I clear my throat and take the bag from her without immediately looking up, which makes her pause. When I finally do glance at her, she’s watching me with a hesitant, almost crushed expression. It dawns on me that she probably thinks I don’t appreciate it.

“Thank you,” I say quickly before she can say anything else, offering her a reassuring smile.

She perks up again almost instantly. “You’re welcome.”

She moves to turn around, likely heading to her usual seat at the front of the class, but before I can think twice about it, I stand up abruptly. My chair scrapes against the floor, making her pause and turn back around, a small crinkle forming between her brows.

“Uh—You can sit here,” I say, nodding at the empty seat beside me. “If you want to.”

Her eyes widen slightly, darting between me and the chair as if she isn’t sure she heard me right.

The bell rings, snapping her out of it, and she’s quick to say, “Yeah, okay…” before slipping into the seat beside me.

As class begins, I catch her stealing glances at me every now and then, and for the first time in weeks, the weight in my chest feels just a little lighter.

Mr. Wilson drones on about atomic bonds, his voice blending into the usual background noise, until the class finally nears its end. Just as I start to zone out, he announces that we’ll be holding a presentation in pairs next week on an atomic bond of our choosing.

Some people groan, others get excited, already turning to their friends in hopes of pairing up, but then Mr. Wilson shuts that down by stating we’ll be working with the person next to us.

My heart does this weird little flutter as I glance over at Vada, only to find her already looking at me with a tentative smile.

I smile back, a silent way of saying I don’t mind being paired with her, and just like that, the class is dismissed.

“So…” Vada says as we stand, grabbing my empty cup to toss in the trash as we walk out. Nick stays back to ask Mr. Wilson something, leaving us alone in the hallway. “When do you wanna work on this thing?”

Our next chemistry class is on Friday, which means we either start after school today or tomorrow.

“Well, I have therapy and practice tomorrow, so maybe tonight? I could swing by after practice?” I suggest without really thinking.

Vada stops walking for a brief second, clearly caught off guard by the casual way I suggest going to her place instead of the library. It’s something we always used to do—either at mine or hers—so it didn’t even register as a big deal when I said it. But now, I wonder if it was the wrong thing to suggest.

I open my mouth to offer an alternative, but before I can, she nods and gives me a genuine smile.

“Yeah, okay. Sounds good. Just text me when you’re on the way over so I can lock Millie in her room so she doesn’t hog you,” she jokes lightly, though I can hear the slight hesitation in her voice.

I laugh, and the tension in her shoulders visibly melts away, her face lighting up in a way that makes something warm settle in my chest.

“Okay,” I say, still smiling.

Right then, Nick rejoins us, raising an eyebrow as he glances between us. “You guys good?” he asks casually.

“Yeah, we’re fine,” Vada answers almost too quickly before glancing at me for confirmation.

I hum in agreement, and Nick nods in approval. “Good,” he says before whisking Vada off toward their next class while I head in the opposite direction to Math AP.

As I make my way to class, I can’t help but feel a mix of nerves and something else I can’t quite name. I’m not sure how tonight is going to go, but honestly? I’m not mad that we got paired up.

Maybe this is the push we need. Maybe this will finally get us to talk.

The rest of the day passes uneventfully, but every time I think about going to Vada’s, my stomach flips—whether in a good or bad way, I’m still not sure.

At practice, Coach kicks our asses as usual, putting us through sprint intervals before finally dismissing us around five. We’re all exhausted, showering and changing in near silence before exchanging tired goodbyes and heading home.

On my way to my car, I send my parents a quick text about the project, then hop in and start driving to Vada’s.

My hair is still damp from the shower, so even though it’s a nice night, I keep the windows rolled up. Maybe I just need the quiet, a little containment before I have to face whatever this is going to be. The drive feels way shorter than I expected, and before I know it, I’m pulling into the Cavells’ driveway behind their two cars.

I hesitate for just a moment before grabbing my school bag—leaving my gym bag in the backseat since it smells like pure death—and making my way to the front door.

I ring the doorbell, and almost immediately, I hear some commotion inside, followed by Vada’s voice snapping, “Millie, I swear to God—” before the door swings open.

She’s wearing sweatpants and a comfortable shirt and looks a little breathless when she says, “Hi.”

A small smile tugs at my lips. “Hi.”

We just… stare at each other for a second, the air between us feeling heavier than it should, before Vada blinks and steps aside, gesturing me in. I toe off my shoes by the door, the familiar smell of their house hitting me harder than I expected.

“How was practice?” she asks, trying to sound casual.

“Exhausting,” I say, running a hand through my still-damp hair.

She gives me a sympathetic look, and for a split second, I see a flicker of something else in her eyes. Fondness? Nostalgia? Maybe both.

She used to stay and watch practice sometimes, perched on the bleachers with a drink in her hand while my teammates relentlessly teased me for it. I never minded, though. If anything, it made me push myself harder—partly to impress her, and partly because I knew exactly what she was thinking whenever I wiped sweat off my face with my shirt.

I shake the memory away as Vada leads me through the dining room, where her parents and Millie are sitting at the table, playing what looks like an aggressively intense round of Uno.

For a game that’s usually loud and chaotic, the three of them are suspiciously focused.

Millie barely acknowledges me when I pass by, too busy squinting at her mom like she’s about to make a power move. I wave a little awkwardly at them, and Mr. Cavell shoots me a quick grin before his eyes dart back to his cards.

Vada barely slows down, brushing past them without a second glance and leading me straight to her room.

Inside, the soft glow of fairy lights wraps around the headboard of Vada’s unmade bed, casting warm shadows along the walls. Her signature candle is already burning, filling the air with its familiar scent. Papers are scattered across her desk, her laptop resting on top of some of them, and though there’s a sweater draped over the back of her chair and a lone sock near the bed, the room doesn’t feel messy. It feels lived in—comfortable, familiar.

I feel myself relax as Vada grabs her laptop and sits on the bed, waiting for me to do the same—just like we’ve done so many times before. There’s still a bit of space between us as we both lean against the headboard, but it’s not as stark as the distance that separated us on my couch. It’s comfortable.

We agree on making our presentation about covalent bonds, falling into an easy rhythm: I research while Vada puts the slides together. We work for nearly an hour until we’re almost finished, only needing to add pictures. She reassures me she’ll take care of it tomorrow, rubbing at her eyes before closing her laptop and setting it on her nightstand.

I tuck mine into my bag at the foot of the bed, then, feeling a little awkward now that the work is done, sit back and bury my hands in my lap, playing with the strings of my sweatpants. Vada shifts beside me, mirroring my hesitation, before clearing her throat.

“Do you… also have nightmares about what happened?” she asks quietly.

The question catches me off guard. I assumed if we talked about anything tonight, it’d be about us, but instead, she’s asking about that.

I take a moment to answer, keeping my gaze on my lap. “I do,” I admit, my voice barely above a whisper. “Not as often as before, though. You?”

She hums in response and shifts lower on the bed, rolling onto her side and curling her hands against her chest.  “I do,” she says, voice quieter now. “But since I started therapy, they’ve been happening less.”

Right. Millie mentioned that Vada was seeing someone now. The thought makes me proud—proud that she’s trying, that she’s working through everything rather than letting it eat her alive. And I’m relieved that it’s actually helping.

A beat of silence stretches between us before she exhales softly. “I keep dreaming about being stuck in that bathroom stall again. It’s… loud. And the stall keeps shrinking in on me until I can’t breathe, and all I hear is screaming and…” She pauses, glancing at me hesitantly. “And gunfire.”

I swallow hard, my chest tightening as I picture it.

Her eyes flick to my ear for just a second before darting away again, like she’s afraid to linger too long.

“I’m sorry,” I say sincerely. I wouldn’t wish those nightmares on anyone.

She nods, her lips pressing together, and I take her in for a moment. The glow from the fairy lights makes her eyes glisten, dark pools of something deep and unreadable. And because she was so honest with me, I decide to be honest with her, too.

“I usually dream about you.”

Vada’s brows pull together. “Me?”

I nod. “Mhmm. Every time I have a nightmare, it’s about you getting hurt. And I can’t do anything to stop it. I’m always too late, or I’m frozen in place, forced to watch everything happen.”

Just saying it out loud makes my chest constrict. The helplessness I feel in those dreams, the sheer terror of not being able to reach her in time—it’s suffocating.

Vada looks at me with… understanding. Maybe a little guilt, too, but mostly understanding. Then, after a moment, she hesitantly reaches for my hand.

She’s cautious, like she’s afraid I might pull away.

I don’t.

She laces our fingers together, wordlessly holding onto me, and I squeeze her hand lightly in return.

She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t have to. We’re both hurt. We both still have so much to work through, but we’re going to be okay.

For a few moments, we just lie there, quietly watching each other, hands still linked between us, before a soft knock at the door makes us both sit up and, almost reluctantly, let go.

“Yeah?” Vada calls out.

The door cracks open, and her dad pokes his head inside with a kind smile.

“Hey, you two. Just came to check how things are going—and to see if Y/N  wants to stay for dinner? I made pasta.” He pauses, then adds, “With garlic bread.”

Vada turns to me, and I catch the hope in her eyes, like she’s trying not to make a big deal out of it but still wants me to say yes.

I glance between her and her dad, thinking for just a second before nodding. “Yeah. I’d like that. Pasta sounds amazing.”

Vada visibly brightens.

Her dad taps the doorframe. “Great. Come on, then.”

She reaches for my hand only to pull me up this time, making me stumble slightly as she tugs me toward the dining room.

When we step inside, Millie and her mom are already at the table. And, to my surprise, there’s an extra place setting waiting for me like they already knew I was staying.

I have a sneaking suspicion Millie had something to do with that.

She shoots me a grin when she sees me, then nudges her mom under the table like they know something I don’t.

Vada and I sit down next to each other as her dad starts dishing out the pasta, and for the first time in what feels like forever, something inside me settles.

When I get home later that night, my parents are still at the office, but it doesn’t bother me as I make my way to my room. I drop my bag by the foot of my bed, brush my teeth, and wash my face before crawling under the covers, feeling exhausted but content for the first time in a long time.

Dinner was great. The food was good, and we mostly listened to Millie rant about her one teacher who still hasn’t been fired. No one brought up the shooting, and no one mentioned anything weird going on between me and Vada. It was just… normal. Easy.

When I left, I even absentmindedly brushed a strand of hair behind Vada’s ear at the door before quickly pulling back, realizing what I was doing. She didn’t comment on it, just smiled with red cheeks and told me goodbye, watching me drive away until I turned the corner at the end of the street.

I grab my phone to check if my alarm for tomorrow is set, and feel myself smile slightly when I see I’ve got a message from Vada.

Vada <3 (8:57 PM)

i had a great time tonight

thank u for staying for dinner

I get comfortable, turning onto my side before texting back.

You (9:01 PM)

Me too.

Of course, your dad’s cooking was amazing as always.

She sees my message immediately, and I watch the three dots dance at the bottom of my screen before her next message pops up.

Vada <3 (9:02 PM)

ill tell him u said that :)

good night

see u tomorrow

You (9:02 PM)

Yeah, you do that.

See you tomorrow.

Good night :)

I watch my screen for a moment longer, waiting to see if Vada texts something else, but she doesn’t. So I turn my phone off, slide it onto my bedside table, and fall into a dreamless sleep almost instantly.

The next day, I go to school looking forward to seeing Vada again, but I don’t spot her until the end of the day when everyone is either leaving or heading to their respective sports practice. I’m on my way to the locker room when I see her leaning against her locker, talking to someone. I find myself smiling, but as I get closer, I realize who she’s talking to and feel my stomach clench.

Of all the people, she’s talking to Mia.

Mia spots me first, her eyes flashing with recognition over Vada’s shoulder. My pulse jumps, and before I even think about it, I turn down the nearest hallway, taking the long way to the locker room to avoid walking past them.

I don’t know what just happened, but seeing them together brings back a lot of feelings I thought I’d moved past. It’s not even anger, more like a sudden wave of something I don’t know how to name, and I don’t want to stand around figuring it out. I get to the locker room and change without engaging in small talk before heading out to the track earlier than usual.

Coach raises an eyebrow at my sulking, but he doesn’t say anything. When the others finally join us, he sends us off on a few warm-up laps, followed by interval training in pairs. We finish practice with sprints, and by the end, I’m a panting, sweaty mess. I pushed myself harder than necessary, hoping to burn off whatever this feeling is. It leaves me exhausted, but not any clearer in my head.

In the locker room, the team makes plans to grab food, but I tell them I can’t because I have therapy. They nod in understanding, throwing out casual, maybe next time’s  and let us know if you change your mind’s, before heading off.

As I walk toward my car, the last person I expect to see is waiting for me.

Mia stands there, arms crossed, shifting on her feet as she glances around, clearly nervous. When her eyes land on me, she straightens, but I can see the hesitation in the way she grips her elbows.

“Mia?” I ask, brows furrowing as I approach.

“Yeah, hi,” she says, forcing a small smile. She’s wearing a crop top and shorts, shivering slightly in the late afternoon breeze. She must have been waiting for a while. “Sorry for waiting around like a creep.”

She chuckles awkwardly, but I don’t return it. I’m too confused, too unsure about how to feel after seeing her with Vada.

“It’s… fine. What do you want?” It comes out harsher than I intended, and Mia flinches.

“I—I just wanted to talk to you,” she says with a grimace. “About Vada.”

Hearing her say Vada’s name sends a fresh bolt of irritation through me, but before I can say anything, she continues.

“I know you know what happened between us,” she says quietly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “And I saw the way you looked earlier, so I just wanted to say I’m sorry, I guess. I know that probably means nothing to you, but I felt like I owed you an apology. What we did—it was unforgivable, and I’m not trying to make excuses, but it didn’t mean anything. For either of us.”

She exhales sharply, shaking her head at herself. “We were drunk and high, and we were both hurting, and it just… happened. As shitty as that sounds, I regret it. I would take it back if I could, but I can’t, so yeah… I just thought you should know.”

I blink, my brain struggling to process what she just said. She must take my silence as disbelief or anger because she quickly adds, “If it bothers you that I talk to Vada, I can stop. No hard feelings at all. I get it.”

“What? No.” I shake my head, adjusting the strap of my bag over my shoulder. “Don’t do that—I mean, don’t stop talking to her.”

Mia watches me cautiously as I sigh and drag a hand down my face.

“You were there for Vada when she shut everyone else out. I don’t like what happened, but you seem to understand her, and you’ve been a good friend to her. And honestly? You’ve got some guts coming to me with this. So… I guess what I’m saying is that we’re fine.” I exhale and meet her eyes. “We’re not friends, but I get where you’re coming from, and we’re fine. I appreciate you telling me.”

Now it’s her turn to look stunned. She blinks before nodding slowly. “I—wow. Okay. Thanks.”

I nod and give her a small, tight-lipped smile.

“I guess I’ll see you around then,” she says, hesitating before smiling a little.

“Yeah,” I say, waving her off before getting into my car and heading to therapy.

When I get there, I end up asking to cut the session short because I’m exhausted. Afterward, I drive home, greeting my parents when I find them in the kitchen. They ask what I want for dinner, and when I say I don’t really care, they decide to just order pizza, which is fine with me.

We eat together, and then I head to my room, completely ignoring the pile of unfinished homework on my desk. I climb into bed and fall asleep almost instantly, completely drained from the day.

Blinking at the sliver of sunlight blinding me, I roll over with a groggy sigh and reach for my phone, only to sit up abruptly when I see that it’s almost eleven.

Shit, shit, shit.

I must have forgotten to set an alarm, but when I check, I see that I did. I must have turned it off in my sleep without even realizing it.

It’s Friday, and Vada and I were supposed to present our chemistry project today.

Shit.

I stumble out of bed, literally face-planting on the ground before scrambling back to my feet. Rushing into my bathroom, I turn on the shower and let the water heat up while I grab my clothes. I’m still digging through my closet, trying to find something to wear, when there’s a knock at my door.

“Mom?” I frown, still half-buried in my closet. She should be at work by now. And I should be at school.

What are the chances we both overslept?

“Hey, sweetheart,” she says casually, leaning against the doorframe.

I straighten up, confused. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at the office? And why didn’t you wake me if you were home?”

“Calm down,” she says, stepping into the room and placing her hands on my shoulders to still my frantic movements. “I’m not at work because I wanted to be here when you woke up and see if you wanted to go to the beach today.”

I blink at her, caught off guard.

“I heard your alarm going off earlier, and when it wouldn’t stop, I came in and saw you still dead asleep. After how exhausted you looked last night, and hearing from your therapist that you cut your session short, I thought it might be good to give you a day off.”

Some of the panic drains out of me, replaced by reluctant understanding.

“I… Thanks, that’s really nice, but I had a presentation with Vada today, and now I missed it.”

Her face falls, guilt flashing across her features. “Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I just thought—”

“It’s fine,” I cut her off gently. “It’s already too late now.”

The thought of Vada standing at the front of the class, waiting for me to show up, makes my stomach twist. But it’s almost eleven, and school will be over in two hours anyway. I might as well stay home.

“I’m really sorry,” she says again.

I sigh, running a hand through my hair before offering a small smile. “It’s okay.”

She studies me for a moment, then smiles softly. “So… beach?”

I roll my eyes playfully before shrugging. “Actually, could we just chill by the pool today? I’m not in the mood to drive anywhere.”

“Sure,” she says, clearly just happy I’m not upset. “I’ll get started on your breakfast. How do pancakes sound?”

“Great,” I say, my smile growing as I watch her leave.

Once she’s gone, I grab my phone to check my messages, and my stomach sinks when I see a few from Vada. But when I open them, I’m surprised to see she’s not mad—just concerned.

Vada <3 (8:57 AM)

where r u?

are you okay?

class just started

Y/N?

Vada <3 (9:40 AM)

sorry phone got taken away

are u okay?

are u sick? is that why ur not here?

I exhale, relieved that she’s not upset. Quickly towel-drying my hair, I type out a response.

You (10:50 AM)

I’m so sorry, no I’m not sick. My mom gave me the day off since I looked exhausted and apparently slept through my alarm.

Vada replies almost immediately.

Vada <3 (10:51 AM)

oh okay haha

i was just worried for a sec

and don’t worry u didnt miss the presentation we were set to go last and the others didn’t finish theirs on time so we’ll go next class

I sag against my bed in relief.

You (10:52 AM)

Okay, good.

Again, I’m sorry.

Vada <3 (10:52 AM)

i told u its fine <3

just get some rest

I hesitate for a moment, my thumb hovering over the emoji keyboard. I want to text a heart back, but I don’t know if it’s too soon. So I don’t.

Instead, I finish getting dressed, now feeling lighter knowing I didn’t let Vada down too much, and head downstairs, the smell of pancakes already wafting through the air.

The rest of the day is spent lounging by the pool with my mom, just enjoying each other’s company. We share a watermelon for lunch, and it’s the most relaxed I’ve felt in a while. When my dad gets home, he surprises my mom with a bouquet of roses. He asks about our day before mentioning a business dinner he has to attend.

I can tell he’s hesitant to leave since my mom already took the day off, but I suggest she go with him. It sounds like a serious event, and she already missed an entire workday.

They’re reluctant at first, but after I reassure my mom that I had a great time with her and that I’ll be fine for a few hours by myself, she agrees. She heads upstairs to shower and change before the two of them leave, pressing kisses to my cheek on their way out.

And for the first time in a long time, I’m alone in the house without feeling lonely.

I make myself some plain buttered toast for dinner before heading upstairs and flopping onto my bed with my laptop. I scroll through my watchlist, ready to put on a movie, but as I go to start it, my eyes drift to the picture on my bedside table—the one of Vada and me, curled up together in front of the fireplace, caught in a moment of quiet happiness.

Before I even realize what I’m doing, I reach for my phone.

You (7:42 PM)

Want to come over?

The second I hit send, my heart pounds a little harder. It’s been building up all week, this need to be around her again. Ever since that dinner at her house, the distance has felt unnecessary—like I’ve been holding myself back for no reason. I don’t need more time. I don’t want any more space.

I just want her.

Her reply comes almost instantly.

Vada <3 (7:43 PM)

omw :)

A smile tugs at my lips as I shove my laptop aside and get up, glancing around my room to make sure it’s not a complete disaster. I pick up a hoodie from the floor and straighten my pillows, but I know Vada won’t care about the mess.

Still, I can’t sit still.

I head downstairs and linger in the kitchen, waiting for her there so I’ll be closer to the front door. She knocks not even ten minutes later, and I hurry to open it, feeling like the breath gets knocked out of me the second I see her.

She doesn’t look any different than usual—wearing an oversized shirt and sweatpants, her hair in a messy bun at the nape of her neck—but somehow, it’s like I’m really seeing her again for the first time in a long time. Even though I saw her just yesterday.

“Hi,” I say, suddenly breathless, which makes her laugh nervously.

“Hey,” she replies, and I quickly move aside to let her in, my heart fluttering when she brushes past me, leaving a faint trace of her sweet perfume in the air.

She toes off her shoes and turns back to me with a soft smile, but it shifts into something a little more confused when she notices my unwavering attention on her.  

“What—”

“I missed you,” I blurt out before she can finish, and she lets out a surprised, breathy laugh.

“We saw each other two days ago,” she teases, but I shake my head.

“No, I mean… I missed you. I miss us,” I say. Now that I’ve started, I can’t stop. The words pour out like they’ve been waiting for this moment. “I miss how effortlessly affectionate you used to be. How you’d just touch me or kiss me whenever you felt like it, without worrying about how I might react. I miss your smile, your laugh, holding you close at night and feeling your breath against my neck. You hurt me—a lot—but… I just miss you so fucking much. Without you, I feel empty, and I can’t keep going on like this. I want you back in my life. I want to kiss you again, hold your hand, take you on stupid little dates.”

At some point, I realize I’m tearing up, staring at the floor instead of at her, but when I finally lift my gaze, she’s already looking at me. Her eyes shimmer with unshed tears, her lips curved into the softest smile.

“I missed you, too,” she whispers.

And before I can react, she throws her arms around my neck in a bone-crushing hug.

“I missed you too,” she repeats, chuckling when she adds, “so fucking much.”

I let out a choked laugh of my own, wrapping my arms around her waist before, without thinking, scooping her up to balance out the height difference. She lets out a surprised squeak but immediately tightens her hold on me, wrapping her legs around my waist.

She squeezes me tighter, and I feel the damp warmth of her tears against my neck before she pulls back. Her hands cup my face gently as her tear-stained eyes drink me in like she’s afraid I might disappear.

She brushes the wetness from my cheeks, her fingers tracing over my skin before one hand shifts to cradle my jaw, her thumb resting against my chin. “I love you,” she says after a moment, her voice thick with emotion.

Another tear slips down my face, and I close my eyes, letting out a shaky breath. “I love you too,” I whisper.

When I open my eyes again, she’s already looking at my lips.

“Can I… Can I kiss you?” she asks, barely audible.

I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear before nodding, my other arm still wrapped securely around her.

She exhales softly, resting her forehead against mine for a beat, then finally closes the distance between us.

Her lips are warm and soft, the kiss sending sparks through my whole body. I kiss her back without hesitation, eyes fluttering shut as I melt into her. Slowly, carefully, she deepens it, her hands slipping to the back of my neck to pull me closer. I squeeze the backs of her thighs, grounding myself in the feel of her, and a quiet, appreciative hum slips past her lips.

When we’re both breathless, she pulls back just enough to nudge her nose against mine, making us both laugh softly.

Then, before I can even fully catch my breath, she kisses me again.

And again.

And again.

My head spins, my chest aches with something deep and overwhelming, but for the first time in weeks, I don’t feel empty anymore.

Yeah. We’re definitely going to be alright.

_______________________________________________

Holy moly, guys. This is almost 16k words long... I think it's longer than anything I've ever written.

It was a lot of fun to write though. Reader and Vada really deserved their happy ending after how the first part ended.

I can feel myself burning out though, and writer's block has made it difficult to finish this, so I will probably be taking a break from writing again.

I don't know how long yet, but I need some time to recharge my creative battery after this.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and wish you a great week ahead.

All the love,

Soph <3

[mcmeerkat1]

ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ ʙʏ ᴜɴᴏ ~ ᴍɪɴɪ ꜰɪᴄ

This is inspired by the art i recently posted. I am sorry if my writing isn't that good. I'm very rusty and wanted to test the water. Lemme know what y'all think!

It had been a year since we left Earth.

Three months since they abandoned ship.

A six-person crew reduced to one

And I was all that was left. I could’ve left with them. Jane even dragged me to the shuttle port. But I didn’t budge

I remember standing there as the ship detached and shot off into the vastness of space

“Come on Mia! The countdown has started for takeoff”

“I’m so confused. Why are we leaving?”

“We got what we needed”

“I thought this was about fostering relations with the Cybertronians?”

“It doesn’t matter. We don’t need them. Are you in or you are staying”

“…..”

“Very well, may god have mercy on your soul”

So many questions were left unanswered until I found Ivan’s logbook. This was merely a research study, and they used the Cybertronians for their ship. And apparently Ivan never liked me. I mean, I hate myself too but some of the things said were brutal. Asshole

The steady hum of the Lost Light had become a familiar sound. Everything was dark aside for the faint blue glow that emitted from the walls of the ship.  You could clearly see the stars as we drifted through empty space. Moments like this would normally render me awestruck but…I felt numb.

I fidgeted with the thick blanket that covered my bed…. was it even a bed? They called it a recharge slab. Makes sense for them but doesn’t sound as pleasant to a “fleshy” like me. Hence, I had turned it into a nest of blankets and pillows. With all the extra cushioning it wasn’t so bad. I glanced at my phone which read 11:45 pm, but that was in regard to a cycle back on Earth. Here I’m going off much different time frames. All times felt the same honestly since it was always dark outside. If it wasn’t for Ultra Magnus taking charge of the schedule then I would most likely be very clueless. Slowly sitting up, I ran a hand through my tangled curls. The feeling was enough to remind me that this was all very much so real. I was on a ship. Alone.

I sighed softly. Looks like I wasn’t getting any sleep tonight

I pushed the pile of blankets off me and swung my legs off the side of the slab. As soon as my feet hit the floor, I instantly regretted not wearing socks to sleep. These metallic floors would be the end of me. Cringing at the cold I fully slid off the bed and hurried to grab a pair of fluffy socks perched on my desk chair

A shiver went down my spine as the cool air fully embraced me. I wasn’t one to complain about the cold but it didn’t stop me from quickly grabbing a hoodie. Pleased to be somewhat warm, I stopped for a second and took in my surroundings.

The habsuite I occupied was bare. There was a desk, a bed/recharge slab, a shelf, and that was pretty much it. I just recently moved in here after the incident with Brainstorm. Lesson learned, stay clear of the mad scientist. But I wasn’t complaining. If anything, it made it easier to get around now being the size of a Cybertronian. It was a pain to upscale all my belongings, but I was worth it as now I shall never be bored…and naked as I had to make sure I still had clothes at my new size.

In the end it was much better than where I originally was placed. It was rather cramped to be honest. But I’ll never have to worry about that again as they are gone.

Maybe a walk around would clear my head…or wait…

My gaze shifted to the large shelf where several books and games rested. I walked over to shelf and grabbed the small deck on UNO cards. The cards were cold in my hands yet held so many memories. I took this from my parents’ house before I left for the Cape. I would play all the time with my brothers. Jane and I would play it a few times but obviously she wasn’t here. But I had a feeling of someone who would play with me.

The door to the suite slid open with a single press on my end. I cringed at the noise and checked the hallway to make sure I hadn’t woken up any of the other passengers. Once satisfied, I shut the door and made my way down the hall.

I wasn’t wearing shoes so my steps were silent but I had to admit that the complete silence was unsettling. I was used to the ship being filled with voices but past curfew it was a whole different world.

Thankfully it wasn’t that far of a walk. I jogged up to the door of Swerve’s bar and slid to a stop right by the keypad. I scanned my ID and the door opened with a whoosh.

I made my way inside, the door closing right behind me. The bar was dimmer but some of the lights were still on. The engex as always reminded my of large glow sticks as they lit up the room. So pretty. Kinda curious what It tastes like but I don’t want to die.

“Swerve?” I called out into the empty room, my voice echoing.

Suddenly, I heard something crashing followed by a “Ow!”

I chuckled softly and followed the sound of his voice. “It’s Mia. You alright back there?”

It wasn’t long before I spotted the familiar bot. He mumbled something to himself, rubbing the top of his helm when he spotted me. And there was that familiar grin.

“Oh hey! Surprised your still up. Isn’t it late for you humans?”

I smiled softly at him and walked over to the counter. “I couldn’t sleep”

Swerve nodded as he puts some glasses away. Although there was no missing the concern etched on his face. It was amazing how expressive they could be even if their optics were covered.

“Somethin’ bothering ya?”

I leaned against the counter and sighed. “Just trying to get used to my habsuite…and I guess that fact that i'm still processing that I’m the only human amidst y’all. I know it has been a bit but grief works in the weird ways, you know?”

“I get it. Maybe you should talk to Rung about this all. Its what he does after all. Makes sure all our processors are in order” Swerve chuckled as he playfully knocked on my head making me laugh. He sure knew how to make me feel better.

“For Cybertronians Swerve. He probably knows nothing about humans. And please, you’re starting to sound like Ratchet” I laughed softly. Ratchet had been on me lately about being more open and making sure I was taking care of myself physically and mentally. Loved the guy but he was starting to remind me of my dad.

Swerve huffed at that, “I don’t not sound like him. As your best friend I’m just watching out for you as I would for anyone else. Besides, you know Rung. He would help you regardless of species”

I nodded at his words. I know he was right. Its just…one of those things. I wasn’t one to talk about my problems but maybe it would help?

“Well back to the main reason why i'm here” I slid the deck of cards onto the counter and grinned “Want to play?”

Swerve looked to the deck and quirked a brow. “What’s this?”

“UNO! It’s a game I would play with siblings back at home. Although it was much more fun when you are playing the version death by UNO” I chuckled at the memories. Great times inflicting pain on my brothers and friends.

“OK, i'm all for Earth customs but why would someone want to play something with the title “death by UNO”?”

He placed the final glass down and gave me his full attention. It was almost laughable at how much smaller he was than me now. And I thought I was small in Cybertronian standards.

“First of all, its just a name. Doesn’t mean anything. Two, its REALLY fun. Here is how you play…” I slid the cards out and began to shuffle them. “Your given a certain number of cards. The main objective is to win by either getting rid of all your cards or being the last player who hasn't lost. In general, say I put down a card. Its yellow and it has the number 6. If you have a card of any color that has a 6, you can put It down. Or if you have a card that is yellow then you can put it down regardless of the number. There are also wildcards where you can change the color. You keeping up?”

He gave a thumbs up

“Sounds chaotic. I'm down”

I laughed softly at that and began passing him some cards. “Figured you would be”

Once we were set up i quickly tied by hair up in a bun and this was about to get serious. I was the champ of UNO after all.

We found ourselves seated across from each other at the bar top, cards in hand. We ended up adding drinks into the mix and well, best night ever

[birdie-in-arcadia]

In Our Wake

Here's chapter 11, I hope you all enjoy, and again, I promise it goes up from here. Enjoy <3

CHAPTER ELEVEN — WITHDRAWAL  (Vessel’s POV) 

She’s still wearing his name like a wound she won’t treat. Still trying to bandage every laceration with faith and forgiveness. And I can’t watch it anymore. Not because I don’t care. Because I care too much. The morning after I stayed in her room, something changed. She’s quieter, more distant, but not toward me. Toward herself. Like her body’s still moving through the routine, but her soul’s lagging behind. I bring her tea again. She thanks me with a small smile, the kind that used to warm the room. Now it barely touches her eyes. She doesn't mention the fight with III. I don’t ask. But I felt it, even if I didn’t hear the words.  Saw the crack in her voice when she said goodnight.  Saw the way she flinched when someone mentioned his name. And still, she goes back to him. Because she believes he can be fixed. Because she believes love is supposed to hurt sometimes. Because she hasn’t yet believed that she deserves more. 

I don’t blame her. But I can’t stay near her either. By midweek, I’m packing a small bag; enough for a few weeks and I’ll come gather the rest later. It’s studio flat, a few blocks away. Not far, but far enough. Somewhere without her scent on the pillows or her laughter echoing through thin hotel walls. I don’t tell anyone but IV. “I need distance,” I say, voice low. “Before I say something I can’t take back. III is still me friend, my brother, but I can’t watch this happen anymore. I love her, IV. I must stop this before it starts.” He watches me with those quiet eyes. Doesn’t ask questions. Just nods once and lets me go. “Do what you’ve gotta do, mate.” he says to me as I step into my car. I give him a nod, my eyes full of uncertainty and regret as I shut the door, start the engine, and leave my love behind. 

The flat is clean. Cold. Impersonal. I sleep on top of the covers the first night, fully clothed, mask beside the pillow like a ghost I haven’t buried yet. I imagine her knocking on the door. I imagine myself opening it. And I imagine the thousand things I’ll never say. The last image that flashes behind my eyelids as I drift off to sleep is her in my bed, in my arms as I help to repair what I didn’t break. 

I love you. I see you. He doesn’t deserve what you’re breaking to give him. I want to scream it from the rooftops. But I know that that cannot happen. She’s announced her love and care for him multiple times, and that should be enough for me... But it’s not. And I’m unsure of what will be. I fall asleep wondering if distance can be a kind of loyalty. If she’ll understand. Or maybe she’ll hate me forever because I am effectively leaving her behind. She’s got IV though. I think he can be there for her while I sort my mind out separately. He has to be.  

(My POV) 

Vessel’s gone. IV tells me the day after it happens, in that soft, careful way he always speaks when he’s afraid I’ll break mid-sentence. “He just needed a bit of space,” he says. “Said he’d still be nearby.” I nod. Like it doesn’t feel like someone’s pulled the floor out from beneath me. Like I don’t feel it in my bones. Like it doesn’t ache all the way through. The flat feels emptier now, even when everyone’s in it. The air feels thinner. Like I’m constantly breathing through a straw, and no one notices I’m running out of oxygen. 

III doesn’t bring it up, not directly. But I see the way his eyes linger on me longer than they used to. I see the stiffness in his shoulders when I speak too quietly or look too far away. I feel the weight of his hand at the base of my spine when we walk, like he’s afraid I’ll vanish if he lets go. I miss the version of him that made me laugh until my sides ached. Now I mostly just ache. 

He’s moody more often than not. And the fights are shorter now, but sharper. More precise. Like a blade that’s been honed to a point, slipping between the ribs before I can brace for it. He’s trained well on how to hurt me the most. He doesn’t yell every time. Sometimes it’s worse than that. Sometimes it’s cold silence and muttered accusations and sideways comments under his breath. 

"You were happier when he was here."  "Don’t think I don’t see the way you light up when he walks in."  "Must be nice, having someone to run to when I’m too much." And the thing is… I was happier. But not because of Vessel. Because Vessel didn’t ask anything of me. He didn’t need me to hold him up when I couldn’t stand myself. He didn’t drag me back every time I tried to breathe. He just let me exist. I trusted him with everything, and he was always so incredibly kind to me. And now he’s gone. He fucking abandoned me when I need him most. And I think I’m starting to hate him for it. 

The nights are the worst. III stays out later. Comes home smelling like whiskey and clubs and strangers who laugh too loud. When he climbs into bed beside me, he doesn’t ask how my day was. He doesn’t touch me gently. He just takes up space. And I lie there beside him, rigid, my eyes fixed on the ceiling. Counting the cracks in the plaster. Wondering if he notices how far away I am in the same bed. Wondering if he cares. 

I don’t eat much anymore. Food doesn’t taste like anything, and the constant knots in my stomach make it hard to keep anything down. I skip meals, not on purpose, but because it doesn’t occur to me until my hands shake. Even then, I just drink water. Stare out windows. Try to stay present and upright. IV leaves tea in the kitchen some mornings. A quiet act of kindness. I sip it just to remind myself that someone’s still looking out for me. But I don’t reach out to Vessel. I don’t want him to know how much I miss him. How the silence where he used to be is becoming a second skin. How pissed I am at his selfishness. How jealous I am that he was strong enough to walk away. I wake up one night with tears already on my face. And for the first time in weeks, I don’t know who to call. Because everyone I love either hurts me… or leaves. I am entirely alone. 

  (IV’s POV) 

He’s pacing again. Boots scuffing across the floor like he’s trying to wear down the carpet until it can’t hold him anymore. Jaw clenched. Fingers twitching. Smoke coiling from the cigarette clutched between two rings he probably hasn’t taken off in years. 

He hasn’t said her name since the last fight. He doesn’t have to. It’s written all over him, like a storm barely keeping itself upright. I watch him from the doorway for a while before I speak. “She’s not okay.” He stops. Not like he’s startled, more like he’s annoyed someone dared to say it out loud. He turns slowly, dragging his eyes up to meet mine. 

“Don’t start, mate.” “I’m not starting anything,” I reply. “I’m just telling you what everyone else is too afraid to say.” He exhales through his nose. Not a sigh. A warning. “She’s exhausted,” I continue. “You’ve seen it. The way she drifts off mid-conversation. The way she flinches when someone raises their voice, even if it’s not at her.” He shakes his head dismissively. “She’s tired. We all are. Tour life does that.” “No,” I say quietly. “You do that.” 

His eyes flash. “You’ve got something to say, say it.” “Alright,” I say, folding my arms. “You used to make her laugh. Now she barely speaks. Her smile used to light up the entire room and everyone in it. Now she carries the cold with her everywhere she goes.” “She’s still here.” he quips. “Physically.” I point out. His mouth twists. “You think I’m what? Some kind of monster?” I don’t answer that. I just let the silence carry the weight of the question. He scoffs. “You’ve never liked me,” he mutters. “Not true,” I say. “I’ve never liked what you do to people when you’re hurting.” 

He stiffens. I press on. Calm. Measured. Unshakeable. “You set fires and act surprised when someone chokes on the smoke. She’s choking, mate. And she’s still trying to hold the hose for you.” He says nothing. Just turns away and stubs out the cigarette in the tray like it’s done something wrong. He spins around on a heel and stares right through me as I continue. “She stayed with you through more than most would’ve,” I add. “But she’s not indestructible. She’s breaking, III.” “I know,” he says, barely audible. And for a moment, there’s something almost human in his voice. Something that sounds a lot like guilt. “She doesn’t talk to me the same,” he murmurs. “I feel her pulling away.” “She’s not pulling away,” I say. “She’s falling apart.” He’s quiet. Just stares down at the ashtray like it might offer some kind of answer. “I don’t know how to fix this,” he says eventually. “It’s too late for you to fix it now,” I tell him. “All you can do is stop making it worse.” I can tell he’s pissed at me, but I think he’s listening for once. 

(III’s POV) 

IV’s words shouldn’t stick. He’s the quiet one. The careful one. Always hovering at the edge of things like a shadow that never quite belongs to anyone. But the bastard knows how to land a blow when it counts. “She’s not pulling away. She’s falling apart.” And it’s not even the way he said it. It’s that I already knew. I haven’t seen her properly in days. Not really. And what the hell does he know? 

She’s been here. Around. Sitting on the edge of rooms. Nodding when spoken to. Drinking tea like its medicine. But she’s hollowed out now. Like someone’s scooped the fire from her belly and left just enough behind to keep her moving. And I did that. I know I did that. But what I don’t understand is if it’s so bad here with me, why doesn’t she just fucking leave me? Just get the fuck out? She’s given me no reason not to trust her, and neither have the guys. They’re like brothers to me.  

There’s just this nagging voice in my head that’s determined to convince me that she is going to make a fool out of me. I can’t get it to stop and it’s killing me, and I’m taking her down with me. I clutch my head in my hands as the self-hatred and frustration come rolling in like high tide. 

 I don’t remember when it started. The snapping. The suspicion. The need to keep her close, then the guilt that came after like a sickness. I told myself I was just scared of losing her. That fear made people do stupid things. But this? This isn’t fear anymore. It’s damage. And I’m the one doing it. I walk the halls like a ghost that’s overstayed its welcome. I check her room door more than once, hovering without knocking. What would I even say? 

“Sorry for the nights you cried yourself to sleep.”  “Sorry for using my pain like a leash.”  “Sorry for convincing you that love should feel like walking on broken glass.” She wouldn’t believe me. And maybe she shouldn’t. 

 Eventually I find her outside. It’s late, close to midnight. She’s on the back steps behind the venue, knees pulled to her chest, hoodie too big for her frame. She doesn’t see me at first because she’s reading. She loves to read. At least I didn’t take that from her. When she looks up from the paragraph she’s on, her eyes don’t widen. They just… dull. Like she expected this, too. I sit beside her without asking. The silence stretches. Heavy. Honest. Finally, I say, “I’m sorry.” She doesn’t answer. I keep going. “I know I’ve been cruel. Not just in fights. All of it. I’ve made you feel like you’re not allowed to need anything I’m not already giving.” Still nothing. But she’s listening. I can feel it. 

“And I think... I started loving you because you made the dark quieter. But then I started resenting the light. Like it was going to leave me behind or outshine me or some shit.” At last, she speaks. Quiet. Barely there. “I never tried to change you.” “I know,” I say. “But maybe you should have.” I don’t expect forgiveness. Hell, I don’t know if I deserve a conversation. But when she finally stands and walks back inside, she doesn’t slam the door. She just leaves it open. And I sit there in the cold, wondering if that’s all I have left—an open door with no one behind it. 

@yourgirlisa

[meetmeinanotherworld]

Hey, gang. I have had a very busy weekend and since I plan on shifting tonight (not trying, I AM shifting tonight idc) I thought I would go ahead and share another shifting success story to boost my motivation.

TW: this is going to be like super tmi talking about my period. I have no shame talking about my period but I know some people may feel uncomfortable about that so maybe don't read this if that's you lol

I've been debating on sharing this just because it is VERY personal and tmi. I don't really care about talking about this stuff, but I also know some people are weird about it. Also digital footprint and stuff lmaoooo.

So this happened last summer. I had a beach day planned with me, my mom, her friend, and a few of my friends. This was something I had really been looking forward to for a good couple weeks. The night before, I started doing my normal nightly routine before sleep and when I went to use the bathroom, there was a little bit of blood. I had started my period. I started panicking a little bit because I knew I only had two options- I could either back out of the beach day which would effectively ruin mine and my friends' plans, or I could suck it up and wear a tampon. But here's the thing about me. I despise wearing tampons. They are so uncomfortable to me.

Anyways, I was sitting there silently hating my life for always having the worst timing. But then I had the genius idea to just shift to a reality where I didn't have my period. When I tell you I have never been more desperate in my life LMAO. I put on a pad just incase and then went to bed affirming like I've never affirmed before.

I just kept telling myself that I wouldn't be on my period when I woke up, I would have a super fun beach day, my period would not interfere, and I even specifically thought to myself that I can get my period later in the day, just that it won't get in the way of my beach day. I was nonstop affirming these things to myself until I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was super nervous but I went to the bathroom and, lo and behold, no period. Not even after I used the bathroom or went through my morning getting ready, it didn't happen. I ended up bringing a tampon with me just incase but ended up just going to the beach like normal with my friends. And guess what. It was an incredible beach day full of memories. It was so much fun. And yes, I did end up getting my period later in the day, but just as I affirmed to myself, it didn't interfere with the beach day at all.

Now I know some of you may be thinking this isn't anything. Oh, bodies are weird sometimes, maybe it's just a coincidence.

*loud incorrect buzzer sound.*

I know my body. I have been getting my period once a month every month for 11 years now. This has never happened. I have never started my period, had it stop overnight and into the next day, and then have it pick up again. No, when my period starts, it stays until it's finished. My period is pretty predictable. I know how long it lasts, which days are my worst, roughly when it'll begin, etc. Once my period starts, it may start slow and light, but it doesn't stop. I will keep bleeding until it's over in 6-7 days.

This situation had never happened before and hasn't happened since. And it happened exactly how I affirmed it to. I absolutely shifted to a reality where I didn't get my period. You can say that it's just manifesting, but really, what is shifting if not just a more extreme form of manifesting? It's another parallel reality that I successfully shifted to and I will never forget that.

Anyways, thanks for reading this very personal shifting story aka me oversharing on the internet again. And since I know that I can shift to a parallel reality with a bit of intense affirming and desperation, I absolutely can shift wherever I want. And I'm gonna shift again tonight :)

[honeybeefae]

For the First Time In Forever…

I feel like writing again! I’ve missed you all so much and am so thankful for all of your love and support and kind words and just your existence! You are all amazing!

To celebrate, and because I’m wanting to ease myself back into writing as I am afraid I’m severely out of practice, I’m posting some prompts below that I would love for you all to look over and choose! Any character you want, any scenario, and you can combine!

I don’t know if I will get to all of them and as a forewarning, most of them will probably somewhat short, but I will do my best! I also want to extend this offer to the Baldurs Gate 3 fandom as that game has been my saving grace for awhile! But ACOTAR is very much accepted as well!

I love you guys and can’t wait to write again for you! ❤️

Prompts

Angst:

1.) “Don’t lie to me. I know everything”

2.) “I don’t love you.”

3.) “Please don’t do this.”

4.) “I can’t believe I fell in love with you.”

5.) “Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

6.) “Us? There never was such a thing.”

7.) “You think I would fall in love with someone like you?”

8.) “You don’t deserve me.”

9.) “You….you cheated on me?”

10.) “Don’t leave me, please, I still need you.”

11.) “What do you want me to say?”

12.) “You promised!”

13.) “Stop pretending this wasn’t your plan all along, to break me down until I’m nothing.”

14.) “You can’t do this.”

15.) “I hate you.”

Fluff:

1.) “Can I hug you?”

2.) “You’re everything to me.”

3.) “Surely you know how much I care about you?”

4.) “Come for a cuddle?”

5.) “You’re so oblivious, aren’t you?”

6.) “Stay with me tonight. Please.”

7.) “I love you.”

8.) “Can I keep you?.”

9.) “Come on, I wouldn’t forget your birthday!”

10.) “I’ve never seen someone so beautiful.”

11.) “I never thought I’d see you again…”

12.) “Come dance in the rain with me!”

13.) “May I have this dance?”

14.) “Will you marry me?”

15.) “I want to show you something.”

Tropes:

1.) Enemies to Lovers

2.) Friends to Lovers

3.) Strangers to Lovers

4.) Soulmates

5.) AU

6.) Amnesia

7.) Marriage of Convenience

8.) Lovers to Enemies

9.) Forbidden Love

10.) Fake Dating

11.) Second Chances

12.) Damsel in Distress

13.) Stuck Together

14.) Opposites Attract

15.) Love Triangle

Smut:

1.) “I want to fuck you so badly.”

2.) “You can take it, pretty girl, can’t you?”

3.) “Mine.”

4.) “On your knees.”

5.) “Submission looks good on you.”

6.) “You look so pretty with my cum painted on your face.”

7.) “Please let me cum inside you, please, I need to breed you.”

8.) “Beg.”

9.) “Someone’s been bad.”

10.) “Don’t you want an audience?”

11.) “Use your words.”

12.) “Such a fucking brat, you should know your place by now but it seems I’ll have to remind you.”

13.) “Do you know how much I’ve been wanting to do this to you?”

14.) “No more, I can’t take anymore.”

15.) “Swallow.”

Scenarios:

1.) One person is injured

2.) One person is sick

3.) One bed trope

4.) Pregnancy

5.) First Date

6.) Wedding/Reception

7.) First night together

8.) Truth or Dare

9.) Forced proximity

10.) One person discovers their secret

11.) Meet cute

12.) Accidentally hurting the other

13.) Hurt/Comfort

14.) Confessions

15.) Breakup

[issdisgrace]

IT'S KINDA A LONG STORY

WARNINGS: None

A/N: This takes place in 2017, character is 28.

“You know you’ve been with us for 6 months and I don’t think you proper told us about how you started hunting.” Sam says, closing his computer. 

“Well, my grandpa was a hunter, so my father became a hunter. Then I decided to continue the family tradition and become a hunter.”

“Cool. How was your childhood? Mine and Sammy’s were fucked, to say the least? Went long periods in hotels. I had to steal food and a bunch of other shit.” Dean says.

“It was a mixed bag. It’s kinda a long story.” I say, sitting up on the bed. 

“We have time.” Sam says.

“Alright, strap in, I guess. As you guys know, I was born in ‘89. My mom got pregnant with me when she was 16 and.

"Had me a month after she turned 17 on my dad’s 17th birthday. My mom came from a very religious family, like super religious, and her getting pregnant with me got her kicked out. My grandma and grandpa let my mom move in. From what I heard, those months were good. My dad was working while trying to finish school while my mom dropped out of school. Mom helped grandma and grandpa with the stuff around the house. When my mom was 8 months and on some odd days with me, she went into labor. She was rushed to the hospital in the town over and had me around 11:45 pm. There were a couple of problems with me since I was premature, but the doctor got everything under control and after a week, I was able to go home. 

Anyway, when I was 2, my mom and dad got married. My first memory was Christmas ‘94. I remember opening a fairy princess set. It was nice at the time, but looking back now, it was very cheaply made. But fast forward to my 8th birthday, 97. I remember we had dinner and my father unwrapped his presents first, being older than I got to open mine. I had got nothing but dresses. I remember I broke out crying then when my mom and dad tried to comfort me I yelled that I didn’t want to be a girl, then ran upstairs and hid in my room. A couple of minutes later, my dad came up and entered my room. He just sat on the bed and talked to me while I was hide telling me that there wasn’t nothing wrong with wanting to be a boy and if I wanted to I could. I crawled out from underneath my bed and sat with him. He held me as I cried and we talked. It started with, is this how you really feel? How long have you been feeling this way? Would it make me happier to be a boy? I told him, It was about 6 when I realized didn’t want to be a girl, that I hated the long hair and dresses, and didn’t like my given name. We talked until it was time for me to go to bed. My dad tucked me in and stayed with me until I feel asleep. I must have been asleep no longer than a half an hour when I was woken up by yelling from downstairs. I could hear my mom yelling at my dad, saying I can’t just be a boy and that it’s just a phase. I remember hearing my dad tell her, so what if it is I have to figure out who I am and who I want to be? I just layed their crying while listening to the yelling and ended up crying myself asleep. 

The next day, things were tense, to say the least that I can remember. My grandma and grandpa talked to me after the very tense breakfast and asked if I wanted to go by something else. At that time, I didn’t know. They suggest names, even pulled out baby name books, and we looked through them. But I didn’t find a name that I liked so they were suggesting different names off the top of their head and I decide on Y/n after my mom’s brother, my uncle who is most definitely the funnest coolest person I have ever known. I remember the first time he came to visit after I came out and by then I had gotten my hair cut and a new wardrobe. I had told him that I was a boy and that my new name was Y/n. He was super chill about the absolute opposite of my mother, despite coming from the same background. And their one out he called me his mini me.

So fast forward to 99 I’m 10. My mom decide to get me nail polish and make up for my birthday. I was first upset, but that black nail polish called me and I painted them. They looked pretty good, and it made me feel masculine. After I was done with my nails and they were tried and I went downstairs to show my grandma and grandpa. They were in the living room and so was my mom. I show them and my mother butted in by asking if I was finally done with this phase and finally being a girl. I was so upset. I just ran out of the house. I ran into the woods and climbed a top of tree. I was close enough to the house that I could hear my grandparents and mother getting into a screaming match. They yelled at her for 30 minutes, then they came out to find me, but I stayed silent while I cried and they didn’t find me. They looked for another half an hour for me before my father came home from his hunt he left on a couple day prior. They rushed to meet him in the driveway and they told my father what had happened. 

And then there comes my mom came out of the house to yell about the whole thing again, saying that she wasn’t going to feed into the delusion and that I needed to start acting like a girl. Shit escalated and my dad yelled that he wanted a divorce and to get the fuck out of the house by morning. Then when things died down, my dad came and found me and I climbed down from the tree and he tried to comfort me. But i just kept crying and eventually I tired myself out and fell asleep. He carried me in and I woke up in my bed the next morning hearing loud crying coming from my mom. She tried to guilt trip and have my dad take her back. But it failed and eventually my uncle arrived and got my mom and her stuff and then she wasn’t in my life. Which in all this my uncle stood beside us, but he did help my mom because of the whole family thing. Anyway, my mom wasn’t completely out of my life. She would leave letters in the mailbox condemning me every couple of weeks.

So then fast forward to when I was 14. I was home alone. When I heard a car pull up. I went downstairs and opened the door and here comes my mom and her boyfriend. I knew something was wrong and quickly closed and locked the door. They started banging on the door and my mom was yelling how she could fix and that I didn’t have to pretend anymore. I called the police and hid in my closet. Listening to the banging. After a couple minutes, I hear two cruisers pull, then a commotion. Then eventually the commotion was over and I heard my name called out by the cop saying it was safe. I realized it was my friends Chris’ dad, John.

I got out of hiding and went downstair and the front door was totaled. It was on the verge of breaking. So I go outside they got my mom and her boyfriend in separate cruiser. John and the other officer, Charlie, made sure I was ok. They got another cop to come out and take my mom from John’s cruiser so John could stay with me. He did, and eventually my dad and grandparents showed up. We pressed charges, they both ended up getting 4 years. And that is the last thing I know about the whereabout of my mom. After that whole situation, my dad and grandpa taught me self defiance, which turned into teaching me how to hunt. 

Then when I was about 18, my grandparents go into a pile up caused by a drunk driver and died. It was really tough around then and I threw myself into my shitty waiter job at the local diner. Made decent money and got good tips. With the saved money, I got myself a car with my dad’s help and started traveling, doing hunts. Stayed in contact with dad through this time and still do. He ended up getting close to John after his wife divorced him and they fell for each other. They got married last year, which I attended their wedding, then I took a break from hunting. Then a couple of months ago I started back up my. band, that’s when I met you guys and here we are.”

“Damn sorry about the whole transphobic mom and grandparents thing.” Sam says.

“Eh, I got over it.”

“Pretty hard stuff to get over,” Dean adds in.

“Yeah, I went to a lot of therapy to get myself to this point.”

“Glad it went well for you. Therapists can be tricky. Some help and some don’t.” Sam said.

“I got paired with a pretty good one. Anyway, don’t mean to switch topics, but how does food sound to you guys because all that talking got me hungry?”

“Yes, I love the way you think.” Dean says.

“There’s a diner just down the road we can go there.” Sam says.

“Sounds good to me.”

[lunajay33]

New World🍂Part.11

Summary: You grew up in a crappy town with one friend who kept you going, everything started to fall into place, that’s until the world ended and the dead ruled the world, now you and your best friend Daryl Dixon had to stay alive but will you finally confess?

Warnings: This chapter contains light sh if you’re not comfortable don’t interact

Part.10

•Masterlist•

It’s been a few days since Daryl had left me to stay out god knows where with Merle, his brother who was an ass and always treated him like crap, he left and I had no more will to live, he was my anchor, I haven’t left the watch tower since I got up here I couldn’t find the effort to go down for anything

The door to the guard tower opened seeing it was Carl with Judith, coming and sitting next to me on the little makeshift bed

“Hey…..we miss you down there” he said smiling, he was such a sweet kid and ever since the incident with Lori he’s kind of clung to me but I didn’t hate it

“I’m fine here”

“Well I brought you some water and some cans of food” he said taking his back pack off and handing it over

“Thank you sweetie, sorry I’m not of any help right now, it’s hard to explain this feeling” I said as he placed little Judith in my arms

“It’s okay, I may not get it but I know what it’s like to lose someone you love, and I know how much you loved Daryl”

“I just miss him so much, I need him back” I said feeling my chest tighten trying to keep the tears at bay as I let Judith play around with my fingers

“If you’re soulmates you’ll meet again and from what I’ve seen you are just let him see what he’s missing and he’ll come running back for you” he smiled patting my shoulder

After some play time with Judith and a little chat with Carl he left having to change her and feed her, maybe Carl was right maybe I should go down for a bit it might clear my head, I left the guard tower making sure to cover all my cuts and saw Carol and the prisoner talking

“Hey y/n it’s good to see you” she said with that bright smile of hers

I just smiled and nodded still not feeling like my old self, the me that felt whole with Daryl, before the apocalypse I never was reliant on him like I am now but he’s still the man I love the man I’ve always loved, I can’t just bounce back to normal without the person I’ve had in my life since I was a kid

I wandered around the courtyard, picking up some stray garbage helping to clean up the place when there was a gun shot, I looked around frantic seeing Axel dead on the ground Carol hiding behind his body as more guns went off

I ran to go back to the watch tower hoping to get some cover but the distance was further than I thought and I didn’t know where the shots were coming from so I didn’t know if I was covered and that was quickly proven when that familiar feeling of stinging warmth flooded my body

I fell to the ground right as I got to the watch tower dragging myself inside somehow, slumping down on the stairs looking at the blood gushing down my chest and right arm, a bullet gone right into my shoulder, the blood oozing out quickly making me lightheaded fast from my low iron

I ripped off a piece of my shirt struggling to wrap it around my shoulder and tying it off tight to help the bleeding, I laid back against the stairs feeling weak, the sound of blood pumping in my head by body exhausted

The gun fire had ceased and I heard the others outside scared trying to figuring out everything that happened

I tried to kick the door open but it was no use, my vision was starting to blur and become spotty

Daryl’s POV

“Where’s y/n?” I asked looking around not seeing her Carol or T.dog

“Last I saw she was trying to run back to the watch tower she’s been staying in” Carl said pointing over to the tower me and her always stayed in on our turns

“Damn” I grunted running across the court, Carl and Maggie right behind me as I yanked the door open, the sight making my heart stop

Normal POV

Voices around me, faces blurred but the closer it got the more I knew it was Daryl as I was gently picked up

“D….Daryl” I spluttered out

“I’m here sunshine”

Then everything went black

Daryl’s POV

I ran with her in my arms to the cell block laying her down next to Hershel as he yelled for the others to get his supplies

“Will she be okay?” I asked focusing on all the blood covering her, I should have never left why the hell did I leave

“We gotta stop the bleeding, with her being anemic she’s gonna have a harder time lasting with all this blood lose but I’ll do all I can” he said as he pressed down hard, after it stopped he pulled out the bullet stitched her up and sterilized it then bandaging her wound

“She’s bleeding on her leg too” he said noticed blood that had seeped through her jeans, I was hesitant but her health was more important so I pulled her jeans down enough for us to see what was causing the bleeding here and it finally broke me because this was my fault and I knew it, Hershel looked at me with worried eyes then went to clean them

I moved her to our bed on the perch and waited for her to wake up, hoping she woke up, I can’t believe this happened to her again in the span of a year, shot twice my sunshine the girl who’s stuck by me always making sure I was okay and now I’m the reason she hurt herself, the reason I wasn’t here to protect her

I gently peeled her out of her blood soaked clothes and put her in a spare shirt of mine and some looser jean shorts that covered her cuts, I found a clean rag and a bucket of water and cleaned off her face and any dirt that had accumulated on her body

I hope she come back to me soon

Normal POV

My head was pounding and everything was so bright and hazy

“Fuck” I groaned trying to cover my eyes but shoot pain through my shoulder

“Hey yer awake” I heard from beside me, I tried to focus and his face came into view, it was Daryl

“Am I dead? Or did you come back” I asked running my hand on his scruffy face

“ ‘m back I shoulda never left” he said filled with guilt

“Why would you go Daryl, I’ve always been there………you promised”

Part.12

Will y/n forgive Daryl or will she be scared he’ll hurt her again

Taglist: @deansapplepie @ghostboneswrites2 @willowshadenox @thebadbatch2022 @writer-ann-artist @i-wear-wet-socks313

[jonathansims-answers]

Statement of Alexis Granger , regarding.. her strange relationship with insects.

Did you know that a praying mantis can typically live up to 6-12 months , but under certain conditions it can live up to 2 years? I always loved bugs , especially unique ones that you don't see get appreciation often.

Let's start from the beginning. My interest all started when I was 6 maybe? I woke up to my mom freaking out about a beetle being on me while I was asleep , it was just sitting there on top of me. I didn't freak out or anything , well , more so I froze up in fear. the beetle wasnt that large , it was about the size of my pointer finger when I was a kid. I had to lay there for maybe an hour until my dad finally got it off me. He didn't seem phased , more so.. annoyed that I couldn't just handle it myself.

I didn't have the best relationship with my parents. My mom was way to over protective and sometimes led to her being controlling , and my dad.. he never wanted anything to do with me , like I was just a bug in his eyes. I always liked going outside. As a kid , I would constantly go outside and stay there for hours a day. There was a huge creek by our house that led into a deeper part of a forest nearby , winding rivers and beautiful scenery. After that one encounter with the beetle , I swear I just saw more of them when I went outside. On the trees , or on the ground , trying to cross the creek or being eaten alive sometimes.

Nature is cruel sometimes. It always eats the smallest things first so the bigger things can live longer.

I would take pictures of all the bugs I saw , made an entire scrapbook. It wasn't until I turned 11 that I got my first pet , a beautiful preying mantis. I would stay in my room for hours on end , just staring and watching that mantis. I'd let it walk around my room , and even onto my bed one time. I had a big sister that I shared a room with , she hated bugs though. Everyday she would complain about my Mantis when I would take it out of it's enclosure , cry and scream like it was dangerous.. I don't know why she thought it was dangerous.

One day after school , I came home to an empty house. I thought maybe my family had gone out shopping. I found my prey mantis on the floor of my bedroom , crushed and squished. Like a book had been dropped on top of it. You could imagine how devastated I was to find it. I immediately pinned the blame onto my sister , but she claimed to have nothing to do with it. I almost killed her myself by forcing her head into the creek water. Almost drowned her. My parents had to drag me off her. If they were just a little bit late , they could've seen their precious daughters head crushed by a rock.

For the next few years I just spent most my time in the creek , even sometimes going into the deep forests. I barely ate. I didn't even talk to my family when I went back into the house. But I swore that I kept seeing it. The pray mantis. Multiple times in my room , it would just stand there in the middle of my room , staring at me. Like it was watching me. Understood me. Alot of my friends just became bugs. A pray mantis , a snake , beetles , ticks , anything and everything. They came into my house whenever they pleased. My dad threatened to kick me out if I didn't get rid of them , but why would I do that , they were my friends after all.

I was forced to watch them die. Forced to watch them try to crawl onto our porch and get stopped on by my father. I begged my father to stop , their cries filled me with pain as he squished every last one of my friends. Except for the pray mantis. It kept coming back. I would be laying in my bed , sobbing from pain and it would be sitting right in front of me. Tilting it's head like it understood what I was going through. My dad got incredibly sick the next day , could barely get out of bed kind of sick. I thought it was the Mantis that did it , brought suffering on my dad.

He died the next week. Doctors said apparently he was allergic to bees and he got stung by a whole hive of them. Everything was okay though. It was all thanks to the mantis. He was like my guardian. My protector. At 17 I moved out , lived in a old shack in the creek. All the bugs lived there , we were one big happy family. My pray mantis stayed by my side all the time. Every hour of the day it would be there.

One day it left , and I haven't seen it since. I feel like I've been rotting , but my body doesn't grow old or dies. My body grows weak when my pray mantis is weak and hungry. It's soul is connected to mine. I don't mind sharing a soul with it though. It can't die , but I can feel it's suffering. I can see what it sees. And I can hear what it hears.

Sometimes I can see the sky , sometimes I can see houses. Sometimes I can see stars , and sometimes I see people containing it. I saw fire one time , it was so beautiful.. I thought maybe you would know where my precious guardian is. Your all knowing right ?

I'm sorry archivist. I haven't slept in a few days. I apologize if this statement is just a bundle of words together , trying desperately to create a story. I hope you can forgive me.. I miss my guardian..

[ Statement ends.]

So.. turns out Alexis wasn't lying the other day. She did leave a statement. Ironically... it has some.. eh.. bug sized bitemarks in it. Like some bugs got... attracted to the paper. Not sure.. how to feel about that..

I feel like I may have been a bit harsh yesterday.. despite everything she seems to be a kid.. just.. missing her friend. I mean arguably quite a disturbing friend but.. still.

No time to undo what I did though. We both came out unscathed in the end and I gave her her praying mantis back. I am still unsure what it is though. The praying mantis I mean. Alexis herself seems to have very little knowledge on the matter and even littler interest in finding out more..

Alexis is almost as infatuated with her bug as Pamela seems to be with Elias. Although I hope Alexis is a lot less.. weird about it.

I suppose I'll leave her be for now. Hopefully I won't regret doing that.

End recording.

[tizzychardia]

Ok, apparently, sleeping in is also now added to the list of shit I can't do with POTS. Just getting up, stepping outside, and grabbing my powerade was enough for my body to start giving me warning signs of a flare.

This one I have genuinely been pushing my luck on though, so it's on me.

Last few nights I've been stuck awake until maybe 11:00pm to 1am. I'll crash around 6-7pm, start feeling like absolute shit around 8, then I just try and get myself to sleep off the discomfort between 9 and 10.

There are two problems with this.

1. I've noticed that the crash wears off around 10:30 and I start feeling good again.

2. Unmedicated ADHD & being chronically ill contributing to "revenge bedtime procrastination."

The last few days, the discomfort from the crash has made it harder to fall asleep at night, which means I'm awake through the crash wearing off, and I'm immediately like, "Oh my god, I have the energy to text my friends, to do digital art, to edit, to actually use my brain," which results in me staying up until around 12 to 1am to try and steal back some of the time I lose during the day due to being symptomatic.

Downside: It finally caught up to me today.

I fell asleep around 1am, woke up at 5am. That's about four hours of sleep. Fell back asleep and woke up around 9am, which is another four hours of sleep. Did I get up at 9am like I should have? No. I simply took my pills and bedrotted until 11am.

Combined with when I go down at 7pm, finally getting up at 11am, that equals 16 hours laying down. Not good.

Laying in bed for more hours than I should only makes it harder for my heart to adjust to the tachycardia once I stand up. So, of course, when I got up, took a step into the backyard for a moment, then went inside to make my oatmeal & IV drink, I was immediately hit with it.

I made my drink just fine, and when I got my bowl out and the little packet of oatmeal, a massive truckload of brain fog just hit me at once.

I opened the garage door, went back inside immediately. Opened the pantry, closed it. Opened another cabinet, closed it. Then it hit me, fuck, I'm looking for milk. Milk is in the fridge.

Then I realized like, "Oh shit. It should not have been that hard." And I immediately got super hot. I checked my watch, 140bpm.

Dad: "Uh...hey- you're looking a little-"

Me: "Don't say pale, it will only make it worse."

Dad: "No- flushed- not pale."

So I grabbed my full body ice pack and went to go lay down again, which I hate doing. My body was trying to go into a flare, but my Ivabradine was stopping it, thank god. I felt my muscles start to lock up a little bit like how they do during convulsive syncope, but luckily, I never lost consciousness. Just a few presyncope symptoms while my heart chambers felt like they were beating at two different frequencies.

I'm gonna have to force myself to sit up for a bit and eventually stand because I CAN'T spend more time laying down today. I have important shit to do tomorrow and I genuinely can't call out for it.

Just sucks, lmao. Who knew that a few extra hours in bed would set my body off. Fml. I want my oatmeal.

[lilbluustar]

Midnight Rain | Chapter 7

Pairing— Emi as a reader x Student!Anton

wc— 3.5k

note— all the info and chapters will be here

tags— @gacktsa @dreamiestay @youdoebaby @billiondollarworth

I didn’t like parties. Not the strobe lights, not the loud music, not the feeling of having to fit in among people who all seemed to move in sync while I just wanted silence. So, when Sungchan started talking about the party later that day, my answer was immediate:

“Nope.”

“What? Why?” Seunghan asked, eyes wide like I’d just said I hated puppies.

“Because it’s not my thing,” I said, sinking into my seat while the band finished tuning their instruments.

Wonbin crossed his arms and gave me that half-smile he wore when he already had a plan.

“There’ll be good music, food, interesting people… maybe even good company.”

“I’m not interested in good company,” I replied.

“What if you brought someone?” he suggested out of nowhere, shrugging like it was just a passing thought. But he looked at me directly. That calculating look, like he knew exactly who I was thinking about. I didn’t confirm it, but I didn’t deny it either.

Later, it felt like everything had already been part of a plan they’d secretly set in motion. It was Friday, after rehearsal. I was about to head home when they asked if I wanted to grab something to eat on the way. I almost said no—just wanted to sleep—but… I could sleep anytime, right? Since I arrived in Korea, I hadn’t really gone out with friends.

Friends…?

Are they my friends…?

We went to a place near campus, nothing fancy. Wooden tables, fast food, the kind of spot that smelled like spicy sauce and fresh bulgogi. But we had a great time. We ate, laughed, even made dumb bets on who would be the first to go off-key at the next gig. It had been so long since I laughed like that. Slowly, they started to loosen up with me—even dared to joke around a bit. And somehow, I found myself joking back.

I called the driver and told him I’d be home later, said I had an extra class. I didn’t want to get into details. Even if I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I wanted to avoid unnecessary questions.

I felt strangely at ease. And when we finished, I didn’t want to cut the moment short.

Sungchan offered to drive me home. I said goodbye to the others, and like always—nobody was home.

I went upstairs looking for Junyoung. I wanted to check on him, but when I opened the door, he was fast asleep. I didn’t want to wake him. I quietly closed it and went to my room.

I collapsed onto my bed. A cool breeze drifted in through the window, and somehow, it calmed me. I stayed like that for a few minutes until, without realizing, I fell into a deep sleep.

It was 11:20 p.m. when I heard a car horn outside my house.

A few minutes later, I heard the same horn again—insistent—and my phone buzzing at the same time. At first, I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or if it was actually happening.

Then another honk, louder, made me sit up straight in bed.

I looked out the window and saw them: a black car with the headlights on and soft music playing from inside. Five seconds later, my phone buzzed again.

Sungchan: Come down.

I blinked. What the fuck…?

Another text.

Wonbin: We’re going to the party. You have no escape, Anton.

I backed away from the window, shaking my head. “No. They won’t do it,” I thought. “They wouldn’t dare.”

Spoiler: wrong again.

I heard the front door. Laughter. The sound of footsteps running up to the entrance. Before I could react, Sohee and Eunseok were already headed for the doorbell.

No…

My dad hated people ringing the bell, so I rushed downstairs, full-on crisis mode.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” I yelled, backing up as they came in like it was their own house.

“Official kidnapping!” Sohee shouted, grabbing my arm with way too much excitement.

“Get in!” Sungchan yelled from the car window. “You can’t miss this, Anton, you’re on the list!”

“What list…?! I’m not going to any damn party!” I protested, but they were already dragging me to the door.

“You’re ready, no excuses,” Wonbin added, opening the car’s back door from inside.

“You’re insane,” I muttered as Eunseok and Sohee shoved me into the car without an ounce of shame. Shotaro scooted over to make space next to him like this happened every Friday.

“You’ve been acting like a robot all week,” Seunghan said from the front seat. “It’s time to live a little!”

“You’re forcing me! This is illegal! I’m gonna sue you all!” I yelled while they stuffed me into the car like a kidnapped CEO.

“You can call your lawyer after we dance,” Wonbin joked from the passenger seat, laughing like this was totally normal.

Before we pulled off, I shot Emi a quick message:

Anton:

They picked me up. If you want, we can meet you there. Wonbin says you can bring someone if you like.

I didn’t say it out loud, but reading her message calmed me down. At least I wouldn’t be completely alone.

Emi:

I’ll head over later, straight from work. See you there.

And that’s how I ended up there, with them. Without even telling my parents.

At the party, the noise hit me like a wave. Warm lights, music playing, people everywhere. I didn’t know most of them, and that made me a little tense. But at least I had the guys with me. I stuck to a corner, just observing, while Sohee vanished onto the dance floor and Sungchan got swallowed by laughter and greetings.

I was seriously thinking of staying in that corner all night… until I saw her walk in.

Emi.

She wore something simple, but the way her hair fell over her shoulders and that soft smile of hers made the whole place feel gentler. She walked straight toward me, like she knew. Like—even in all that chaos—I was her safe space.

“Survived the kidnapping?” she asked, with that half-smile I loved.

“Barely,” I said—and somehow, I laughed.

As the night went on, we wandered around aimlessly. She stayed close to me, and I felt more relaxed. Even the Riize guys didn’t seem that annoying, not with her around. Emi and I shared a few laughs, and something about her being near made everything feel more bearable. I held a drink in my hand, but not much. Just enough to blend in. A little beer, to keep up appearances.

Emi felt different. Sometimes her body swayed a little to the beat, but not like someone lost in the music. She seemed, like me, to be a bit of a spectator in all this—even when her eyes sometimes wandered through the crowd.

Then, out of nowhere, she pulled out a cigarette from her jacket pocket with a mischievous smile. She looked at me and offered it casually.

“Want one?” she asked.

I looked at it in her hand, surprised for a second. I hadn’t expected her to be so chill about it. Not that I judged her—but I just didn’t know Emi smoked.

“No thanks,” I laughed, a little awkward, shaking my head. “Not really my thing.”

She raised an eyebrow, surprised, and looked at me again.

“I didn’t know you didn’t like smoking,” she said, a soft laugh escaping her lips.

“Well, now you do,” I grinned at her.

“What else are you hiding?” she teased, slipping the cigarette back into her jacket.

Meanwhile, I was just trying to keep things chill. We started talking to the others. It was fun, but honestly, I liked being near her more. Sometimes I tried to pull her into the conversations, make her feel included. I’d ask her small things—not too personal, but just enough to make her feel like part of the group.

When she went quiet, I felt this ridiculous urge to fill the silence, like I needed to cover the space between us with something more than just glances.

She’d hesitate a bit before answering, but she always did—shy, but curious. It was obvious she didn’t like being the center of attention, but she let herself be drawn into things.

And even if she was reserved, I liked the way she joined in effortlessly. She was just... her. Simple and genuine.

We were together most of the time. Not on purpose—just because it felt easy. Natural. Like the chaos around us didn’t touch us.

Until Emi said she was going to the bathroom.

After that, I got a little distracted. Shotaro handed me a beer. Then another. I didn’t usually drink much, but I accepted. I felt light. Different. Maybe even like I belonged for once.

And there I was, thinking everything was simple now. That the hard part was out there, not between us.

My phone buzzed in my pocket while Sungchan was saying something I didn’t catch. I pulled it out, and my brow furrowed when I saw the message:

Wonbin: Anton. Come to the back bathroom, please. Sohee’s about to puke. All the bathrooms are full. Bring a hoodie or something. Help!!!!

I stood up immediately.

“Going to the bathroom, be right back,” I mumbled, mostly to myself, as I made my way through the crowd moving to the pounding beat.

I pushed gently past people, dodging drinks and awkward conversations. A few guys tried to hand me drinks, and I just waved them off. “No thanks,” without stopping. Something about the message felt off... but I didn’t expect what I’d find.

When I reached the hallway in the back, I saw the bathroom door open. The sour smell hit me first, and then I saw her: Sohee, hunched over the toilet, throwing up.

And next to her, the thing that made the ground shift under me a little.

Wonbin had Emi in his arms.

She wasn’t crying, but her face was buried against his chest, her body small, drawn in, like she wanted to disappear. Wonbin was holding her tightly, like someone trying to keep another person from falling apart.

I froze for a second, trying to process everything. Something inside me… twisted. It upset me. It hurt. What was going on? What happened to Emi?

“What… what happened?” I finally asked, stepping closer.

As soon as I spoke, Emi seemed to snap out of it. She pulled away from Wonbin like his touch burned. Her eyes were red, but she was trying to hold it together, trying to compose herself.

“I’m fine,” she said quickly, avoiding my eyes. Her voice wavered just a bit, but she tried to smile. “I’ll tell you later, okay? I just… need some air.”

And before I could say anything, she walked off down the hallway, disappearing into the crowd with fast steps, like the air in here was suffocating her.

I stood there. Confused.

I looked at Wonbin, waiting for answers.

But he just looked away, running a hand through his hair.

“Sohee’s really bad. Can you help me with him?”

He didn’t say anything else.

And I wasn’t stupid. I knew he knew. But for some reason, he chose not to tell me.

The music kept playing like nothing had happened. The party kept going outside.

But I wasn’t in it anymore.

It was the first time I saw her like that. Vulnerable. Fragile.

And inside, something in me cracked a little.

I had changed outfits three times. Not because I wanted to impress anyone—or at least that’s what I was trying to convince myself—but because it had been so long since I’d gone to a party like this that I couldn’t remember how to dress in a way that made me feel comfortable and not like an outsider.

I ended up settling on a casual but cute outfit: a black fitted tank top, a denim skirt I hadn’t worn in ages but still liked how it looked on me, and some ankle boots that clicked loudly on the floor, but somehow made me feel a little more secure.

My makeup was soft, but enough to hide the mess that sometimes stared back at me in the mirror.

By the time I arrived, the music was already thumping against the walls. The lighting—warm purples and golds—made it feel like the place existed in another universe, one where people danced without worries and laughed like they had no wounds beneath their skin.

And then I saw him.

Anton.

Sitting on one of the couches in the back, laughing at something one of his friends said. He was with the guys from the band. He looked different. More relaxed, not in his usual pristine rich boy uniform. Just a simple white t-shirt and dark jeans. His hair slightly tousled, like he’d run his hands through it a few times before arriving.

He looked… good. Too good. And for some reason, that made me smile.

I walked over and sat beside him. He greeted me with that shy smile I already knew, the kind that didn’t show all his teeth but was full of sincerity.

"Everything okay?" he asked, leaning in so I could hear him over the music.

Being with him made everything feel less intimidating—but I couldn’t say the same for the rest.

I nodded.

"All good."

His friends were loud, jokey, throwing around references I didn’t understand, inside jokes and fast-paced chatter. Sometimes Anton would try to include me with a comment or ask me a direct question to loop me into the conversation. I’d smile, say something short, just enough, and go quiet again.

It wasn’t them. It was me.

I wasn’t used to being in big groups. I felt small. Invisible. Not because of anyone’s bad intentions—just pure disconnection.

To calm myself, I took my cigarette pack out of my bag and opened it without thinking.

"Want one?" I offered Anton, who was watching me from the edge of the couch.

His reaction was priceless.

"You smoke?" he asked, visibly surprised.

He shook his head quickly.

I laughed softly.

"Sometimes."

I lit one and inhaled calmly, letting the smoke drag down the knot that had settled in my throat.

I poured myself a bit of tequila, then grabbed a beer. Anton stuck to something milder. And in between all that, we talked. About random stuff, music, classes, professors we couldn’t stand. His laugh made me forget where I was for a while.

But then, like the universe decided to remind me I was human, the sudden urge to pee hit me like a bucket of ice water.

"I'm going to the bathroom," I told him as I stood. "Won’t be long."

He nodded and winked at me. That was the last sweet image I saw for a while.

I wandered through the house like a mapless intruder. Every door was closed, others had couples inside—laughter, moans. Until finally, I found one... just as it opened and a familiar face appeared.

Him.

That guy.

The one I once got lost with in the noise of a similar night. No names, no promises, just shared pleasure in the dark.

"Emi," he said with a tilted smile. "What a surprise seeing you here."

"Hey…" I replied, uncomfortable.

"You look good."

I didn’t answer. Just smiled.

He began to descend his kisses on my neck, I had already forgotten how good that sensation felt coming from him, while his hands began to climb up my skirt, his fingers traced a slow but urgent path over my folds, until he pushed aside my panties and began with a back and forth movement, with my hands clumsy and blinded by pleasure, I helped him unbutton his pants and release his excitement with difficulty, as he lined up his member at my entrance.

He stepped aside to let me in. And then, somehow, we ended up in the bathroom again, door half-closed. Light conversation turned into tense glances. And before I knew it, our lips met. We kissed, tasting like alcohol and memory.

It was about to happen.

"Do you have condoms?" I asked, stopping him.

"No, it’s fine," he whispered against my neck.

"It’s not fine," I said more firmly, trying to push him away.

His grip didn’t loosen.

I started struggling with my clothes, trying to pull my underwear up, adjust my skirt, but his hands stayed there, insistent. And then, as the air started to escape from my chest, everything changed.

We hadn’t locked the door.

And when it opened, the scene shattered.

Wonbin.

With a friend of his, half-unconscious, clinging to him, desperately looking for a bathroom.

Our eyes met. His gaze said it all.

He quickly set Sohee on the ground. The guy with me vanished like a coward.

And without a word, Wonbin stepped closer. He didn’t ask anything.

He just hugged me. I hugged him back.

"Shhh... it’s okay," he whispered into my hair. "You’re not alone. I’m here with you."

His words, his scent, his warmth.

His softness broke me.

I clung to his shirt without meaning to.

Meanwhile, Sohee had crawled into the bathroom and was vomiting violently.

And then…

"What... what happened?"

That voice.

Anton.

I froze.

I let go of Wonbin abruptly, stepping back. He let go too. I wanted the whole moment to vanish. I wanted to vanish.

"I'm fine," I said quickly, looking anywhere but at Anton. "I’ll tell you later… I just need some air."

I didn’t run, but I walked fast, pushing through people without seeing their faces, until I was finally outside.

And I left.

Air. Silence.

I hugged my arms, feeling the tremor that still wouldn’t leave.

And all I could think about was how the hell I was supposed to look him in the eye again.

The air outside was colder than I expected, but I didn’t care. I needed it. My hands were still shaking. My lips felt like they were burning, my heart slamming against my ribs like it wanted out. I leaned against the house wall, covering my face. I didn’t want to cry. Not here. Not like this.

But the lump in my throat wouldn't budge.

"Emi?"

I recognized his voice instantly. I froze. I didn’t know if I was ready to see him, but I didn’t want to be alone either. I slowly lowered my hands and saw him in front of me, brows furrowed, with that look I’d only seen when something really got to him.

"Are you okay? What happened?" he asked, stepping closer.

I swallowed.

"It was…" I looked away, "that guy."

Anton stayed quiet, waiting. I sat on the edge of a planter. My throat felt dry, the words stuck.

"He's someone I… hooked up with a few times. Not much. We weren’t anything. Just… a way to escape. To disconnect."

I glanced at him. He said nothing, but I saw his jaw clench.

"He stopped looking for me when he got a girlfriend. And… with the alcohol, with everything, I didn’t think straight. I saw him. We talked. He kissed me. We went into the bathroom. It all happened really fast. It almost happened again."

I paused. The pressure in my chest grew heavier.

"But he didn’t have protection, and when I told him no… he didn’t want to stop. He wouldn’t let go. I struggled, and then… then the door opened."

My voice broke.

"It was Wonbin."

I dropped my head, covering my face with both hands.

"I was so scared, Anton. I didn’t know what to do."

He crouched in front of me. He didn’t touch me right away. Just looked at me. And when I lowered my hands, his arms wrapped around me gently. I closed my eyes and let the hug hold me. It was warm. Safe. It made me feel less dirty. Less broken.

"Emi…" he murmured next to my ear. "It wasn’t your fault. Okay? That’s not okay. That jerk had no right to touch you without your permission."

I pulled back a bit to look at him.

"I know… I just…" I shook my head, feeling stupid. "It was dumb of me. I could’ve gotten into something way worse."

Anton frowned.

"It was irresponsible," he said, his voice firmer. Not angry, just… different. "I’m not judging you, but you have to take care of yourself. You can’t risk yourself like that with just anyone."

I bit my lip and nodded. I knew it. And it hurt to hear it from someone else, but it also felt right. Like a needed slap.

"I’m sorry."

"Just… promise me you won’t put yourself in a situation like that again."

"I promise."

We stayed quiet a little longer, until the cold slipped between us again.

"Let’s get my jacket," he said, standing. "I’ll take you home."

"If we try to go in, we’ll get lost in the crowd."

He looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

"Grab the sleeve of my shirt."

I did. And even though it wasn’t exactly like holding his hand, it felt just as intimate. We walked back inside, and in the middle of the crowd, I caught Wonbin’s eyes on us. It was intense. Unsettling. I couldn’t read what it meant, but it sent a chill down my spine.

Anton didn’t seem to notice. He just said out loud:

"Emi’s parents are waiting. I’m taking her home."

He had to lie, because he knew they’d insist I stay longer—but the last thing I wanted was to spend another minute there.

"I’ll drive you guys," Sungchan offered from the couch.

Anton hesitated, then nodded.

"Okay."

The ride was quiet, but sitting next to Anton made me feel… okay. Safe.

When we finally got to my house, he turned to me.

"Take care of yourself, okay? Get some rest. Try not to dwell on what happened."

"Thank you, Anton," I whispered with a small smile.

We shared a short hug—quick, but meaningful—and then I went inside. I closed the door softly… and stayed there for a moment, holding his jacket tight against me.

Emi went inside without looking back. I stayed there a few seconds, staring at the closed door, feeling a mess of things I couldn’t quite name. I turned to go back to the car when I heard a voice behind me.

"Are you planning to stand here much longer, Romeo?"

I jumped. Sungchan was leaning against the car with his arms crossed and a lopsided grin.

"What?"

"I mean… you got her home safe, did your whole knight-in-shining-armor thing. So what now? Back to the party?"

I blinked, the distant music seeping through the car’s frame again.

Sungchan gave me a knowing look. And without thinking too hard, I let out a sigh...

"...Let’s go."

[expresso-bean]

The Man Out of Time [A ShadAmy and Silver Story]: Chapter 14

Pairing: Shadow the Hedgehog x Amy Rose

Description: It has been seven years of peace following the grueling war with Eggman and his army. Though it took time to rebuild what they have lost, life for the Freedom Fighters could not be better. Whether it's finding love or trying to run from their past, celebrating post-war times has been different for each of them.

All is well until a silver hedgehog comes knocking on Amy Rose's door to deliver the tragic news about an incredible force that seems to be the cause of the future's destruction.

Will anyone believe the mysterious hedgehog's cry for help? Or will he be left to fight for his future alone? Read to find out!

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1k

POV: Amy Rose

!! I do not own any of the art/gifs/borders used in my chapters. All credits to the rightful owners !!

Masterlist ❀ Ch.1 ❀ Ch.2 ❀ Ch.3 ❀ Ch.4 ❀ Ch.5 ❀ Ch.6 ❀ Ch.7 ❀ Ch.8 ❀ Ch.9 ❀ Ch.10 ❀ Ch.11 ❀ Ch.12 ❀ Ch.13

I didn't know what to expect when I woke up. Maybe I expected Shadow to still be here like he promised. But he wasn't here. And that stirred an unknown feeling inside of me.

No, I knew exactly what I was feeling.

Stupid. I felt completely stupid.

Why was I still waiting for him? Why was I holding on to the hope that he would burst through the door at any moment and ask if I was okay?

I stayed on the bed and pulled my plush pink covers closer to me. Their warmth provided little comfort, but I was willing to take whatever I could get.

'Why… do I feel this way?' My fingers curled up and dug into the soft cloth. I took a moment to breathe. My lungs stung, and a warm lump was building in my throat. I hated crying, especially over someone like him. 'I'm always felt feeling like this whenever I get mixed up in his signals. I could never tell what he was trying to tell me. Does he like me? If so, as a friend or something more? If he wants to be something more, why doesn't he say so? I've been clear in my intentions. I invite him over to my house often to the point where I've offered to make a spare key for him to have. Every Wednesday we go out to dinner, and every Sunday we have coffee and brunch. I don't go out with ANYONE else besides him, and I've told him so many, many times. Am I not expressing myself enough? Does he still think I only see him as a friend?' I wiped a tear that was poking out from the corner of my eye. My teeth were clenched so hard that it was beginning to hurt. '…why am I too cowardly to admit my feelings to him?'

I knew I was acting pitiful. I was the one standing between my own happiness. I was too scared to tell Shadow about my feelings, and reasonable so. I wouldn't know how to react if he were to reject me. Things wouldn't be the same.

And then there was one more thing to consider. Before my love for Shadow, comes my appreciation of his friendship.

'He's done a lot for me. He's trained with me when I felt weak. He's talked to me when I need someone to speak to. He has once stood outside my doorstep for hours to make sure I was okay while I was having a depressive episode. If I lost him, his friendship; I would lose it.'

My own words stung. The anxiety tightened in my chest and I found myself breathing slowly to calm myself down. If I had a morning anxiety attack, it would ruin my entire day. And with everything going on, I can't afford any bad days.

'Too many people are depending on me. I can't afford to fail. There is so much at stake. I need to keep my emotions in check if I want everyone to rely on me.'

I sat there in the sheets and practiced some mindful breathing. I kept my eyes closed, and just breathed until my body felt calm. Who knows how long I sat there. The minutes seemed longer to me with each shaky breath. No matter what I did, or how long I breathed in and out, I couldn't brush aside the feelings Shadow leaves with me.

I found it annoying how inconstant his actions could be. One day he would take to me and tell me the sweetest things I've ever heard, and the next he would avoid me like nothing.

At times, I wonder who he even is. How well do I really know him?

'Maybe if he talked to me instead of avoiding me, I would know him better!' I clutched the blanket that was covering me in frustration. 'Why is this so complicated?'

I touched my face. Luckily, there were no tears. It just felt warm from the anger and sadness I was feeling.

'I want to sleep forever, but, I know I need to get up.'

I felt like I had been awake for days when, in reality, it's been 2 hours tops. As I rolled out of bed and walked toward my dresser, I finally got a good look at myself. The color in my face had finally reappeared. Most of all, I was glad that the dark circles under my eyes were disappearing.

I have S to thank for all of this. Without him, we would have never known about the future danger ahead of us, and I would have never been able to put my mind at peace.

I left my room and smiled as I saw S resting on the couch, covered in the blankets I let him borrow. I crept towards the kitchen to not wake him up, but as soon as I popped my head in, I almost had a heart attack. Shadow was sitting at the table with his head down and a mug of tea next to his face. I had to retain the joy of knowing that he was still here.

But why didn't he stay in my room like the last time?

I brushed off the question and tried to keep it out of my mind. I instead thought about the fulfillment of his promise. He said he'd be here when I woke up and he is. If he is still here, then why am I not satisfied with that conclusion?

'Ugh, maybe we are all really complicated in our own ways.'

I giggled to myself as I picked up the kettle from the stove to fill it with water.

'I'm sure a nice cup of tea will put my mind at ease,' I sighed looking through my pantry. I smiled when I saw the last few packets of peach tea I saw holding off for a moment like this. 'Nothing like a nice glass of warm peach tea to get me back to my normal self.'

"Oh, S isn't here either, huh? Or Sonic..." My voiced trialed off at the realization that was standing in an empty house. "I just hope neither of them got into too much trouble while I was out."

[e1izaaxkles]

“Siren..”

Sirenbur x oc

Prologue

Waking up and stretching my arms way above my head, I throw the covers off my body over in the left direction. I get off my bed, stand up, and walk into my bathroom, rubbing my eyes as I look at myself in the mirror. “Can’t believe I’m still living in this shitty apartment..” I mutter to myself. I brush my teeth and comb out my midnight blue hair before walking back into my bedroom and over to my closet, getting out my work uniform and changing into it quickly. My work attire consisted of a short, tan pencil skirt and a white button-up which I normally pair with black heels and a long coat since Brighton is always cold. I grab my phone and purse, shove my phone into my purse, and walk out the door, making my way to the elevator. My neighbor, Wilbur, steps out of his apartment looking extremely tired. He’s wearing a black button-up with navy dress trousers that are paired with a coat and Doc Martens. ‘He looks nice today.’ I think to myself. “Hey, Wilbur,” I say as he stands beside me. “Oh, hello, Eliza. How have you been this week?” He asks as we both wait for the elevator which takes such a long time since we live on the top floor. “I’ve been good, how’ve you been?” I continue the conversation, trying to be polite. Wilbur has always seemed like such a strange character. He doesn’t talk to people unless he’s seen their faces many times and never under any circumstances lets anyone into his apartment. He freaks out when you ask! “I’ve uh- I’ve been okay.” He responds. Once the elevator finally gets to our floor and saves me from this awkward situation we both go on and Wilbur presses ‘L’. “So, uh- Eliza. You’ve never really told me where you work.” “Oh! I work at the police station, I’m a detective. Right now we’re trying to figure out what the hell Siren is planning.” I say a sigh of annoyance leaves my lips at the end of my sentence. “Y’know, maybe he’s just- taking a break?” “Well, I’m also kinda obsessed with Siren… I am just dying to know what he looks like under the mask!” I say as I imagine what he looks like under that damn mask. I get snapped out of my thoughts when I hear Wilbur’s soft giggles, I turn to look at him to be met with the softest, cutest face I have ever seen. Before I can say anything else I hear the ding which means we’ve made it to the lobby floor. Me and Wilbur walk out of the elevator and walk opposite ways since he parks in the parking garage and I walk to work. “Cya later, Will!” I shout as I walk backward, seeing him hold up the peace sign as he walks out into the parking garage. I walk out of my apartment complex and walk to work which is only a few minutes away. Once I arrive I prepare myself for the dickheads that are my colleagues before walking into the building. I walk in and go straight to my office, ignoring all the stairs that everyone is giving me. “Oh! Eliza, you finally decide to show up. You’re gonna have to work later tonight.” My boss, Sebastian says. “What! Why?!” I snap. I hate having to work late! “Because we need you to try and get more evidence.” “Evidence from where?! And for what? We only have one concern right now and that’s to find out what Siren is planning!” I yell. Sebastian only has one care in the world and that’s money. As long as he has money he’s fine. And that’s probably why I’m still living in my shitty-ass apartment. “Whatever. I still want you to work late. Hang out with Greg or something. I don’t care.” He says as he walks out of my office. I groan and close the door. He loves torturing me! Guess I better make the most of this.

11 p.m. rolls around way too fast. I only have to stay in this stupid office for what, two more hours? Sebastian told me before he left that I just had to stay until 1 a.m. Then I can leave. I pick up the tennis ball on my desk and throw it up, catching it in my left hand and doing the same, throwing it with one hand and catching it with the other. I do that for about 30 minutes before I get bored. I pull out my phone and turn on a movie. This should last until 1. And I was right. 1 a.m. rolls around at the end of the movie and I get up, putting my phone back in my purse and walking out of the building. As I’m about to walk past an alleyway I get pulled into it, a large hand slapping over my mouth. The person pins me to the brick wall, their hand still on my mouth. I look at the person in shock. ‘I-is that…’ “Siren..?” I whisper into his hand. The blue fabric that covers his eyes looks so perfect with his curly brown hair. I came to notice that he hasn’t shaved since there’s stubble on his chin and under his nose. He takes his hand away from my mouth, a smirk forming on his face. “Hello, little one.” He mutters. “W-what… What are you and the syndicate planning?” Is the first thing I say to him, it’s the only thing that comes to mind. “Oh, you’ll have to work for that answer, sweetheart.” He says. “W-what do you mean?” “I mean… work for me, sexually…” He whispers into my ear, his hot breath on my neck. A shiver runs down my spine. Why does he have to be so hot? I gulp, nodding hesitantly. “I mean, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I’m not gonna force you to do anything.” “N-no! I want to!” I shout out at him, immediately clamping a hand over my mouth out of pure embarrassment. “Good girl.” He whispers in my ear one last time before nipping at my neck.

[thejohnlockedfemboy]

angry vent

im so fucking mad rn

my grandma comes into my room, throws all my stuffed animals out of my chair, just so she can sit in it. she has a chair in her room and there’s two couches and a chair both in the living room and downstairs. she takes almost a FULL BOTTLE OF WATER and dumps it into my lucky bamboo i have growing, when i had already watered it today and yesterday because it was “too dry” and now i have to put it outside because the water has to evaporate or i’ll have to put fresh soil in it for a third time. then she tells me i need to throw away some of my belongings because it’s too cluttered ( i had literally just cleaned, dusted, and put away a ton of stuff, so it was as clean as it was gonna get in the limited space )

all this after yet another fight this morning because my grandpa was pissed i had two magazines that i’ve been actively reading sitting on the couch. he has a whole PILE on his table downstairs and my grandma has a whole clutter of shit on the side table in the living room. i got told to “clean up my shit!! See, this is what yelling sounds like!” ( because i tell them to stop yelling when they are, yet they say they’re “just discussing” ).

then was told it was all my fault because im disrespectful and i never clean up after myself because i left a cookie wrapper downstairs ( from just this morning ) when i came upstairs to make my grandma’s bed for her and put some candy on her pillow that i bought her yesterday at walmart so maybe she’d be in a good mood.

im so fucking sick of being seized with dread every morning when i hear her wake up. i spend most mornings ( anywhere from 6–11 am ) hiding in the basement until she gets up so i can judge her mood. she’ll demand to see my phone if im on it, then immediately go and sit on the couch and scroll through the news for anywhere up to two hours. i try to tell my grandpa, and all i get is “oh she’s sad, she’s doing her best, tomorrow’s another day, just do what she says and she won’t be mad”

dude i fucking STAY AWAY from her all day. If im downstairs and she’s upstairs, im told im “hiding out in my hermit hole.” If im upstairs and she’s downstairs, i get told i “ran away, just like my dad.” If im in the swing outside and she’s inside, then she comes out ( usually after like two hours, when im hot and want to come in ) she guilts me because i “never want to be with her”

OF COURSE I DONT WANNA BE WITH YOU. YOU HAVE EVERY SYMPTOM OF BIPOLAR DISORDER. YOU SCRUTINIZE EVERYTHING I DO. EVERYTHING I SAY TURNS INTO A LECTURE. YOU HATE THAT YOU DONT CONTROL EVERY ASPECT OF MY BEING ANYMORE.

yknow what she said yesterday? That the “happiness went out of me” after she let me watch Harry Potter. She blames everything on Harry Potter. It’s evil. It’s against god. It’s the reason I developed a personality. I got told that all of my drawings are dark. She loves to tell me everything I like is “creepy,” be it movies, books, art, music, anything. Lord of the rings is creepy. Pirates of the Caribbean is creepy. Greek mythology is “creepy.” Video games make me “aggressive.” I was told that the light seems to be gone from my soul and “oh she doesn’t want it to be her fault 🥺” so she has to monitor all the things i like. Anything i like, she dislikes, then blames my taste on my abusive bio mom who I haven’t seen since i was eight. Because oh “we all know you get THAT from” and “well your taste has to have come from SOMEWHERE”

im done. So done. Fuck this. Fuck them.