#ive had so much anxiety and loneliness lately

[draculaurennn]

🙃

[rianafying]

it’s 4am i have the worst migraine of all time. i’ve had it for four days now. it was okay yesterday so i thought ut was over but it’s back again, and i have to go to work cause i’ve got a huge makeup gig today. i have to do hair and makeup for 10 models, and im just, exhausted emotionally. i was supposed to do some drawings and attach them to the file, and i told my client i would do it many days ago, but i didn’t do it. partly because of my headache and partly because ive been forgetful.

update: it’s 8am, i haven’t slept, took some painkillers, been getting spontaneous bursts of anxiety since yesterday afternoon. i always feel a little anxious before a job, but it’s only part of the reason. i feel terrible rn. i feel bloated and crusty, and my hair looks terrible. a huge part of how i feel is based on how i look, and until im happy w the way i look (hair styled, outfit pressed, makeup done, accessorised) i don’t feel okay. and i just hate the way i look and i hate everything rn. i’m having one of those moments where nothing is okay. it is entirely in my head because on other days everything could go wrong and i’d still feel okay. i hate being at the mercy of my emotions. i need more time to gather myself than i have. work is in two hours, at least it’s only a 10 minute walk from my place so if i forget something or whatever, i can come back and get it. but i feel really anxious. i can physically feel it. and i’ve misplaced everything, and suddenly my room is all messy again. and all i want to do is sleep and complain. i wish i didn’t feel so crusty 99% of the time. and i felt so lonely yesterday, not the kind of loneliness that makes me wanna talk to people. it’s the kind that just is there. i don’t wanna talk to anyone. i hate everyone. and i just wanna be by myself. but that also feels bad. i have a social life, and i love my friends but it’s different. i could even see people if i wanted to but i don’t want to. why do i feel this way. i don’t wanna be with people i don’t wanna be by myself either. at least i don’t feel suicidal lately. i just feel annoyed. frustrated. especially with the migraine i just wanna throw things and break things. i never have and i never will actually throw or break things. but that’s how i feel. just super. irritated. i need time i hate being in a time crunch. none of my thoughts make sense and im simultaneously over and under stimulated. how is it too hot and too cold at the same time??? it’s too hot in my blanket but too cold if i take it off. and i can physically feel my skin, like i can feel a separate layer on my body. and im itchy and im so annoyed. its too loud and too bright. and i hate that the sun is up again, and i hate the sound of my alarm. i hate it. and u hate every terrible thing that has happened to me or to anyone. and my heart breaks for those who are going through so so so much worse. and nothing is right. this is not how it’s supposed to be. and i need my therapist. i’m gonna have a mental breakdown. i am having a mental breakdown. i can’t even cry lately. i don’t even drink water. i suck. of course im gonna feel this way. i dug myself into this hole.

another update: it’s almost 8pm, finally got home from work. it was just the most draining day ever. i’m exhausted but also strangely anxious. extremely anxious. the shoot went well, i think?? i hope!

[what-if-nct]

hey joyce, how have you been lately? i hope you are doing well. i haven’t managed to get any asks in lately because my life has been really overwhelming, in good and bad ways. i finally got back to in person classes after being virtual for 2 - 3 years, so no more loneliness and isolation, but me having social anxiety and being introverted has kinda stunted me from going “out there” socially. i did make a few new friends tho :) *pt 1*

since the school year is wrapping up i have finals this and next week, and i am so burnt out i can’t even function properly, like this morning, i went to wrong class all the way across campus, but i was unsure if i had that class so i went back to my dorm, then stirred up the courage to go ask, only find out i was in the wrong class, so i had to walk across campus (again) to get to the right class. i did get clowned for that by my friends, but i love them anyways. *pt 2*

also i found out i’m pan, not bi because of this new nonbinary kid in one of my classes that i might have a crush on. they complimented my digital art, and said they dabbled in it too, and i’m falling so hard. i want to get to know them better before confessing tho. (sorry for so many parts, the ask box will only let me type so much) *pt 3*

i think my depression has gotten better, at least that’s what my therapist told me, and from all the walking ive been doing, i gotten in better shape, so less body insecurities, yay! this month has been a whirlwind for me,(im kinda being dramatic here) but i'm so glad my life has changed for the better. thanks for hearing me out. feel free to get anything you need to off of your chest, or just tell hhow things have been lately. be well! -🌿

I'm so happy to hear your doing better and since it's been a few years since you've been in in person classes it's understandable, it's your first time out in the world since the unfortunate events occured. But I'm sure as you get more comfortable being back around people. it'll get a little easier to be more social. I'm so sorry to hear you've been burnt out. Just breath and remember you're almost there and you'll have a whole summer to destress and hang out with all your new friends and even make more. And yes being friends first will also make any connection even stronger. And I hope everything continues to get better for you.

And I'm fine. I actually talked to a boy on the phone in the first time in a long time. And I was just giggling, curled in a ball on my couch. And he's cute and really sweet and a weird mix of the type of guys I attract. Like sweet awkward gentle anime nerd and the straight forward only here for one thing. It's interesting! He looks like Brandon from Prettymuch. Honestly in Miami the members of Prettymuch represent the dating pool here. I always end up with a Brandon, Nick and for sure an Austin. Speaking of Prettymuch I always forget they have a song with NCT Dream, pretty much about getting consent, it's beautiful. There should have been an mv cause it didn't get the recognition it deserves. Also I watched Pam & Tommy on Hulu and couldn't finish it. one, the way Pamela is betrayed just doesn't feel right. It made me angry how the actress portrayed her. Also what's with current media and the unnecessary penises I am not a prude at all. Trust me. Every Snapchat I receive is a penis I see them everyday. But like why the fuck was it talking!? And Pam didn't want any part of it that should have stopped me but I was curious. I couldnt finish it. Yo I once met a guy who looked just like Logan Paul but with brown hair. But he liked feet.....I'm not proud of that moment of my life. I'm also ashamed I know the lyrics to everyday bro. Not Logan's songs though he knows how to make catchy songs don't judge me. I could not keep a single train of thought. Im sorry. It's really nice to hear that despite some harder things you're doing really well. I'm so happy for you.

[eijirohs]

Pass the happy! When you receive this, list 5 things that make you happy, and send it to the ten most recent people in your notifications! ♥

Hey... sorry this is so late. thank you for this. im not gonna lie, i dont have many people in my notifications, but ill see who i can manage to find to send this to ^^

1 : my girlfriend.

this one is pretty straightforward. she’s been my rock for a long, long ass time and im infinitely grateful to her. out of everything & everyone in my life, she’s the one thing that’s changed me the most (& for the better). i love her to the moon and back and bein around her gives me so much serotonin <3

2. hmm.... well, my dog.

this is also very straightforward. whenever my girlfriend’s not been able to be there for me, ginny has comforted me. she loves cuddling and giving little kisses and she doesn’t know it but she’s a great listener lol. i couldn’t be luckier to have such a sweet lil pooch in my life <3

3. game grumps.

maybe this is the first one that might be a lil surprising. especially since its so high up on the list. ive watched so many game grumps compilations when crying my eyes out and they always make me laugh, somehow, and give me hope again. it’s gotten to the point where i’ve gone to their videos for comfort so often that when i hear arin or dan’s voices it almost flips a switch in my brain that gets me to immediately calm down, at least a bit. 

4. video games!

i couldnt put just one here... video games have helped me through SOOOO many rough spots. overwatch helped me with my anxiety SOMEHOW, i dont know since thats a rEALLY stressful game, but playing it gave me so much anxiety but i still forced myself to play it to a point where a discovered a way to cope: talking my way through it. if i just narrated myself through a game i would be so much calmer than if i didnt, which is a weird way of coping, but it works for me! assassins creed: syndicate helped me cope with loneliness at a time in my life where i felt unloved and unseen, lonely. jacob & evie were my constant companions and often times i’d just walk around as them and cry and talk to them until i felt better. it definitely is a bit odd saying that because i feel crazy talking to characters on a screen, but i wouldve been worse off if i hadnt. and then legend of zelda: twilight princess and animal crossing: new horizons both hold special places in my heart! ill keep these short since this is already long-winded: twilight princess is extremely special to me because some of my earliest memories are of watching my brother playing it. animal crossing: new horizons is just so, so calming and helps me so much with my anxiety... something about the atmosphere of the game is just so nice and mollifying 

5. my family.

ending this off with a short & sweet one. though my family do have their flaws (namely, that they would be unaccepting of my sexuality & relationship), they’re still amazing to me. they are all nice, and funny and caring and i don’t know where i’d be if i had a different one. 

sorry that was so long ...i know it said just to list them, but i just needed to spill my guts out abt things i love because im kinda stressed right now ansjkdan so !! thank you so much for this opportunity <3

[irastayshome]

3 am crafts.

"Mama, are you happy or angry or sad or frustrated?"

The question i'm often asked by my 3 yr old while i am clearly in a state of rage. Hahaha. I figured these are the only 4 emotions he asks me about because they're the only ones I ask him about, and also the ones he seem to understand based on what I show. Lately ive gotten sick of my own mental rut, always overthinking problems and seeking a disastrous diagnosis to confirm any little struggles I go through daily. Never knew myself to be a hypochondriac but at the very least, I need to take the anxiety and stressing down a notch so I dont make the 3 boys at home too miserable. And I was a social worker for crying out loud. I'm all for solutions and leaning in, on paper, but i'm realising that in real life it is obviously not easy. I hate being a parent on some days (and nights) because I cannot switch off the overwhelming mountain of worries that jammed my head the moment I held that first sweet boy in my arms. They never really go away, no matter how much you've adapted and experienced over time. They're still there, waiting to rear their ugly heads when something awful happens. A fever, recurrent vomitting thru the night, seeing child scream over being poked n prodded in the high dependency ward, child screaming and hitting you in public and worst still infront of your parents/inlaws, first complaint of child spitting on another student, losing child in the mall for a gut-wrenching 30 mins. (That last one subhanallah i nearly had a panic attack while i ran around waterway point and when i got him back from the info counter I swear I wailed like a baby and hugged Ibrahim like MSF was about to take him away LOL ). These are some of the experiences that nobody could teach me. They hardened me, toughened me, and pushed me to overcome my weaknesses and project strength instead for the kids.

Thinking along the line of strengths, its time i also worked on myself. Enough of wallowing in aimlessness and loneliness; its getting dull. Yoga maybe... Start to rockclimb again? Running? Swimming? Trekking? My weighing scale and mum-tumm would strongly agree with all that. It isnt easy to project strength to your kids when you feel nothing but weakness and complacency. But i think above all that, I need to sleep more. And make less 3 am crafts.

[justoneday-namjoonii]

Color Me Moonlight. IV

☾ • I • II • III • IV • V • VI • VII ☽

› Summary: Some flowers are not to be plucked, for their thorns are far too sharp for any hand to graze, yet, she was touched. She was soft, delicate, she didn’t know it, but something so beautiful could never be bad. She grew up in a garden of loneliness, does she have a place to bloom? He gave her a place, and they bloomed together.

› pairing: Taehyung x reader/OC › genre: angst | m | fluff | sci-fi au | supernatural!au | mutant!au | hybrid!au |

“Let me get this straight...” The chief pressed his temples, “you lost her at a red light!?”

Jeon cringed at the embarrassing circumstance for an agent of his caliber. “Chief, I don’t know what to tell you. She was in the car and when I got on the phone, she just ran.” He rustled his hair, a deep sigh leaving his mouth.

“What do you want me to tell senator Greene? He is expecting to hear that we’ve cleared all regions. That girl shouldn’t have been able to outsmart you, Jeon.”

He was silent. “I’ll do whatever you need me to do sir-”

The Chief's phone rang. Senator Greene.

Sweat built at his brow before he hesitantly picked up the phone.

“Hello, Senator,” Greene spoke, it sounded like faint whispers to the agent. “To be honest with you sir, no, not yet.” He narrowed his brows. “Just one. A female, sir.” He nods in an acquiescent manner. “We will sir, definitely. Goodbye.”

Jungkook swallowed. “What did he say?”

“That girl is our first priority, and it’s up to you to find her and get her to the SRMA. Immediately. They think she might be the one they’re looking for.”

“Yes, sir.”

He woke up first, eyes fluttering open slowly at the feeling of warmth under his arm. He sat up, trying to recall the events leading up to this situation. His first thought was, why am I here? And more importantly, how did I get here? He looked down at you, there was tranquility about you that he has yet to witness until now. There is something about your presence that just draws him in, like a light in the dark. In efforts not to wake you, he slowly gets out of the bed, feet touching the cool floor before tiptoeing to close the door and let you sleep.

It was oddly comfortable, and smelled like a loving home – this couldn’t be your room.

You yawned, stretching your arms and legs as you took in your surroundings. The things that happened last night unveiled in your mind like preserved memories embedded in your consciousness. You revealed your secret to and was convinced that the two of you are birds of a feather, creatures of the same creator. Yet, you’re still wary of him. Trust isn’t something you’re entirely used to – it’s just difficult for you.

The control you once had over yourself is slowly faltering. The energy once tightly concealed inside of you is threatening even the smallest of things. You literally had to consciously steady your breathing, force your hands to stay still, and keep your thoughts from flying all over the place.

You could hear a whisk bumping up against a plastic bowl, you smelled vanilla waffles baking, his low humming to the jazz playing from a Bluetooth speaker.

Barefooted, you shuffled to the door and peaked out—nope, you weren’t alone. Taehyung stood at the refrigerator and it looked like he was cooking. For some reason, that sight made you smile, even a fancy CEO can appear wholesome with his heart slippers. You walked out of the bedroom, shyly making your presence known. He glanced back at, a grin coming to his lips at the sight of his baggy clothing hanging on you. You noticed his eyes were back to that artificial brown again.

“Good morning.” He smiled.

“Morning...”

“I made eggs, bacon, and waffles. If you don’t eat that, I have yogurt and fruit, also coffee and tea...” His hair was messy looking, it was endearing to see him in clothing other than a suit his hair looking far from tidy. 

“Do you want me to make you a plate?” You inhaled deeply and a pleased expression came to your face—he took that as a yes and he started to make it.

“Thank you, everything smells great... You watched as he sat the plate at a seat right next to his own. You can’t even remember the last time you’ve awoken to a home-cooked breakfast, let alone meal in general.

He sat down right after you, a cup of juice in hand, “Do you have any plans for today?”

“No...” You cut a piece of waffle, rubbed it in a puddle of syrup, and ate it. “I would’ve gone to work but the word probably already got out about me.” You swallowed. 

“If it’s alright with you, I’d like to stay here for a day or so- Just until I can find somewhere to go, then I promise I’ll be out of your hair.” You pressed your lips tight, your hands retreating to rest snug in your lap, purposely avoiding eye contact. You thought about it, you felt burdensome for staying here. “Or I can run to my place and-”

“No, I’d feel better if you stayed here. It’s not exactly safe for you out there, have you seen the news?” You shake your head no.

He slid his phone over to you. “I think you should expect to stay here for a little while.” He put a forkful of food into his mouth.

You picked it up and the first headline said—Suspected Sato Experiment On The Run. The article vaguely described your appearance and your heart began to throb and goosebumps erupted on your skin. You sat his phone down and let out an exasperated sigh, your face was burning at the thought of being wanted. He could practically feel your blood pressure rising, your chest straining in anxiety.

“Don’t worry, you’re safe here.” He placed his hand on top of yours, a startled flinch from you made him recoil a bit. “If they try to take you, which I won’t let happen, they’ll have to take me too, yeah?”

“I guess so...” You slid your hand away so you could finish eating, and that’s when you realized you were sitting next to someone just like you. You two were sewn from the same thread, you were the same kind. There was no need to be fearful around him, you could trust him, right? You revealed your most cherished secret to him—that had to mean something.

“If you're done, pass me your plate, I’ll put it in the dishwasher.” You hurriedly grabbed your plate so he could set it in the dishwasher. Even from only staying here for a number of hours, you admired how well he functioned in a domestic and organized environment. It seemed like he had a place for everything and everything had a place. As he tended to the dishes, you eased up next to him at the sink—helping him with this seemed like the least you could do.

You grabbed the empty pan that he used to make eggs and looked for the dishcloth. “Can I use that?” You pointed to the cloth on the counter to his right. He looked down to see your hands in the bubbly dishwater.

He smiled at your efforts. “You don’t have to do that, I can get it-”

“No, I want to.” You were not about to be waited on hand and foot, especially considering he was doing you such a huge favor.

“The rag, please?” He nods, pursing his lips at your insistence. He handed you the dishcloth and you continued to clean the pan. He took the clean pan from you, and to your dismay, he started to dry it for you. Just as you were about to clean off the dining table, Taehyung gently grabbed your arm.

You paused, staring up at him. “Yes?...”

“You trust me, don’t you?”

“Yeah, sort of.” You paused. “When you came into the room last night you didn’t try to do anything so I don’t see why I shouldn’t trust you...” You muttered quietly, tearing your gaze away from him in remembrance.

He couldn’t hide the blush on his cheeks at the reminder of what he did in the absence of his mind. “I’m sorry about that, I honestly don’t know how I got there.” Scratching the back of his neck, he pressed his lips in a straight line. “I assume our connection has something to do with it. I don’t know if I’ll be able to help it going forward, I’m just drawn to you,” He smirked, brushing his fingers over the shell of your ear. “even in my sleep. Just lock your door and I’m sure that’ll solve the problem.” You both laughed, bridging that awkward gap of silence.

You weakly smiled, drying your hands off with a paper towel. “Why do you wear your contacts inside? No one can see you here.”

“It’s a habit,” He never thought about it until now, “and anyone could knock on the door and I’d have to rush to put them on, it’s just easier to put them on as soon as I wake up.” That made sense. You both eyed each other, a mutual comfort being the reason you hadn’t walked away. He was all smiles when he looked down at his phone, but his eyes widened and the smile vanished.

Had the time flown by so fast?

“Sorry to run but I gotta get ready or I’m gonna be late.” He ran off to his bedroom and you went to the opposite side of the house, where your room is.

For the first time in a few hours, you checked your phone. You had a few missed texts from Hoseok.

[10:14PM]: Hey, can I still drop your book up off in the morning?

[8:20AM] I have your book, I gotta head to my 9 o’clock meeting in a little bit

[8:31AM] Y/n, you normally check your texts pretty fast so I’m getting kind of worried tbh

[12:43PM] I’m on my lunch break, can you text me to let me know you’re okay?

Your thumbs went at your keypad immediately, attempting to type something to let him know that you’re alive.

You: I’m so sorry I missed your text and I’m sorry not showing up this morning, I’ve kind of been caught up with some personal stuff. Please don’t be worried, I’m okay, I'm just spending time with a friend for a little bit :) Thank u for checking on me Hobi, it means a lot. P.S u can keep the book for a little longer

You set your phone on the nightstand. Never having crashed at someone's place before, it was natural for you to feel like a bit of a burden. Do you just stay here while he’s gone? What if you get hungry and eat something that you weren’t supposed to and he gets mad? What if someone with a key to his place comes to pick up something?—It was all too much to think about.

“If you need anything, just let me know,” Taehyung spoke loud enough for you to hear.

It’s not long before you hear the front door shut and lock, he’s gone and you’re here alone. Might as well see what the world is up to, you flopped on the couch and turned on the TV. As soon as it turns on, the news pops up.

“Good afternoon and thank you for joining us for the 12 o’clock news. I’m Priscilla Moore, and today we are joined by a very special guest, Senator Nelson Greene. Welcome, Mr. Greene and thank you for being here.”

“Happy to be here Priscilla.”

That voice.

That’s the voice you heard on the agent's phone, the person who wanted to check you personally. It’s sickening, utterly appalling to know that you are in this situation and you don’t have many options. For one, you don’t know why he wants you specifically. Maybe he doesn’t trust the examination process and does it himself from time to time. You found this whole ordeal unsettling.

November 14th, 1995.

“She’s due in 4 months,” Jane sat in her office, doing some things on the computer, “do you have a name picked out?”

Mai, Jane’s close friend and colleague sat across from her, filling out files and forms for her.

“You’ve been calling her Yves ever since you found out about her, I’m kind of used to it now.” She smiled. “It’s quite fitting.”

“I’m honored.” Jane grinned. “I’m not gonna lie, she is one of my favorites.”

“You haven’t even met her yet!” Winnie laughed. “How could you know if she’s your favorite?”

“I just know. Thanks to you Winnie, she has the most potential to excel. She is the purest form...” Jane had explained to them countless times that Winnie is one in a million case. As soon as Winne found out she was pregnant, she and her husband made the decision to give their child life like no other. “The most prominent supernatural gene is flowing through your blood and with the proper procedures, it can be awakened.”

“You know that one of the mothers is due into two months and her baby has attributes like Yves, he has similar gifting of life and energy, I’m not sure in what way yet though. But his mother has had symptoms like you; feeling extreme highs and lows in energy, the heightening of the senses, things like that.”

“When will we know what she can do?”

“I’m not sure. The process has thousands of layers, we could think she’s gonna come out one way but she’s something completely different. What I do know is that a large-scale mutation, we’re modifying everything. A nucleotide is added and taken, her genus is like a puzzle.”

“Are you forgetting something, my love?” Winnie’s husband walked into the room.

“We agreed that our first child if it was a boy, he’d be named after my father, and if it was a girl, she’d be named after your mother.” He shook his head, Winnie had a habit of going with the flow of things like this but that’s because she wasn’t a huge tradition person.

“Oh yeah.” She pouts. “Sorry, Jane, she’ll still be Yves in our hearts but her birth certificate will be my mother's name,”

She placed a hand on her stomach gently, “Y/n.”

“Good morning Mr. Kim, you’re coming in later than usual.” 

Margaret couldn’t help but notice the change in her bosses tendencies, rarely did he ever come in late early in the week.

“Yeah, I slept a little late today. What’s on my schedule?”

“The Venet group emailed their presentation draft to you this morning, they’re waiting on your critiques. Oh, and you have a message from the SRMA, I left it on your desk.”

“Alright, thank you.” He made his way into the office, eager to get some coffee in his system. He pressed a button on a remote to open up his automated blinds to get some light in the room. The view was also somewhat of a stress reliever for him, it had a calming effect.

Even being away from you for a little over an hour, his thoughts are starting to drift to you, which unfortunately prohibits his ability to work efficiently. As difficult as it might be, he had to single his thoughts on work, then you. He grabbed the mysterious envelope from the SRMA and opened it up.

His eyes skin over the letter, his brows furrowing. The letter is informing him that all of his employees have been cleared, which is odd because that’s not true. You were the reason why he was receiving reminders 24/7, but now all of a sudden the messages stop?—This is suspicious. He knew for a fact you hadn’t gone to the SRMA for anything and weren’t planning on it either. Thinking it was just an error, he stuffed the letter in the drawer and chose to further investigate it later.

He clicked on a file that said ‘Personal’ and when it opened up, he smiled. The final photos that he took a few weeks ago got framed and the company sent photos of the finished product. His love for art and photography makes up for the stress that comes with this job.

An hour or two had gone by and he was completely immersed in his calls, tasks, reviewing schedules – he almost didn’t notice the knock on his door. He glared at the door, Margaret didn’t say he had an appointment or that anyone had walked in.

“Come in.” He spoke with a slight hesitance but when the door opened, he realized it was just his dad. “Dad, I didn’t know you were dropping by.” He looked back down at what he was doing.

He took a seat in the chair in front of his desk. “I thought I’d stop by for my lunch break, see what you were having.” He smiled, happy to see Taehyung was working so hard.

“Margaret ordered something, it should be here shortly. Let me wrap this up and I’ll be all yours.” He quickly finished typing up the month's marketing schedule sheet and pressed save. Finally, he sighed, leaning back to stretch his neck and arms. Taehyung gazed out of the window with half-lidded eyes, judging by the look on his face, his dad knows when something is different.

“Is there something on your mind Taehyung, you look like you’re in deep thought.”

“I might as well tell you.” He inhaled, exhaling before looking at his dad. “It’s about the girl I told you about.”

His father had a tinge of joy in his eyes, assuming his son had made this girl a girlfriend of some sort. “Oh?” The thought alone made him smile. “Have you decided to introduce me to her finally?”

“Well, she’s special...” He spoke softly, eyes looking down at his fingers. “She’s like me.”

“Like you n what way?”

“In a biological way...”

“Biological? You mean- You’re saying she may have been a part of the 1989 project...” Tae nodded. The man's eyes widened, his thoughts singled in on what Taehyung meant by that. If he was speaking in terms of biological similarities, given Taehyung is the only child from his biological parents, that would only leave one option – she must be a product of Jane Sato. 

“How do you know this?”

“I had met with her a few times and I could feel that there was something about her. There’s this connection we share, it’s hard to explain but when I’m around her I feel this energy emitting from her, but she acts unaware of it. I can feel her emotions stronger than I have with anyone. And dad, when I look at her, she doesn’t always have an aura of color around her...” He stressed that unusual fact, “and when she does, there’re shades I’ve never seen on anyone before...”

“It took a while to get her to admit it because she’s been hiding it all her life. She was kicked out at 18 for what she is and she’s been alone ever since.” Taehyung mentally recalled the story you had struggled to tell him last night. “She said she’s never told anyone before, just me.”

“So she knows about your eyes?”

His fingers lightly touched the skin under his eye. “Yeah, I showed her...”

“Does she have that same trait?”

“No- Well, when we were-...” He hid the blush on his face, trying to figure out how to word this correctly. “–Talking,  her eyes changed for maybe 5 seconds, then they went back to normal, that was the first time that had ever happened to her.” His father nodded, what Taehyung was telling him only confirmed the suspicions of who you really were.

“How old is she?”

“She’s around my age,” He didn’t see the significance of your age but he answered nonetheless, “maybe a few months younger.”

“Oh,” He sighed, “I see. Then she must be the girl they’re looking for.”

Taehyung swallowed. “Yeah, I’m letting her stay with me. She avoided checkups until they made it mandatory. When she didn’t go, an FBI came to her house and tried to take her to the SRMA. She said the man on the phone with the agent said he wanted to ‘check her’ himself. That’s when she made a run for it and ended up at my place.”

“Has she gotten checkups or tests done before? When you were growing up I always made sure to examine you and make sure your gifting wasn’t interfering with your everyday life.” He was more concerned about your health and well-being more than anything now. “She may need supplements to fill in what her abilities might be taking for energy.”

“She avoids any type of medical treatment altogether, she’s afraid that they’ll find out what she is. I don’t blame her.”

There was a knock on your door. “That’s probably the food.”

He got up and sure enough, that was the food from his favorite sushi restaurant. He grabbed the bag and took it to his lounge area near the coffee machine. “Let’s eat.”

Taehyung took out the chopsticks as his dad walked over to sit across from him. “You know, I think you should meet her. It’d be good if she could get medical attention or just get to know someone who cares about her well-being/”

“I can come over tonight. I’ll bring some of the supplements that you used to take just in case she needs it. I have a million to ask her.”

“I don’t know if she’ll be okay with a lot of questions, she doesn’t care for people prying into her personal life.”

He’s learned that the hard way.

September 12th, 1997:

A massive fire broke out.

High pitched speakers blare from every corner of the facility, people were fleeing from the raging flames and deadly black clouds seeking to devour them. Bone-chilling shrieks from stranded patients could be heard as people were fending for themselves. The fire broke out in the volunteer experimentation residence.

“Get out of there!” Dr. Fai yelled as he ran down the halls towards her, his coat over his nose and mouth, black soot dirtied his hands and glasses. He grabbed her arm, pulling her away from the hallway leading to an even larger fire – why was she trying to run down there?

“No, I have to get them out. They’re gonna die-” She yanked her arm away but the smoke was getting to her, she could barely stand straight.

“The volunteers and 4% are fine! There’s is no one else! Let’s go before we both get killed!”

He didn’t know about the babies.

**

Two other people from the facility, including Dr. Kim, were in the midst of crying toddlers and infants, trying to calm their state distress. A majority of the mothers were gone aside from maybe one or two.

“Everyone listen.” A lady he had never seen before held a child in her arms and spoke to the few adults in the room. “Grab them and follow me, we need to take them to the pediatric hospital.”

Dr. Kim didn’t question it, he grabbed two children, he held a little boys hand and held a quiet 1-year-old girl in his arms. Oddly, the child holding his hand was one he often helped test with Jane—he had the most stunning eyes.

When they transported the children, the woman leading this escape escorted them all to the private emergency floor. The little girl in his arms was now with a nurse, being fed a warm bottle and the little boy was in the playroom along with some of the other children

“Dr. Kim.” The nurse practitioner, Millie, walked over to him. “Can I have a quick word with you?”

“Of course.”

She sighed. “So, I’d thought I’d give you some background on who I am and how I knew about The Flower Garden. I work with mothers and children in this sector of the hospital, I was alerted by Kelly that no one was coming to help with these kids, presumably because they didn’t know about them. I knew about the project, I helped for a while, especially with childbirth.”

She wrote something down as she continued. “Anyways, these children will all have to be examined and if all goes well, they’ll be put in the foster system. But as you know, these children are not normal by any means,” The stood in front of the playroom window, watching the kids play with multicolored toys. “I don’t know what they can do. For the safety of society and themselves, I've arranged to have them transported to families all over the world who are willing to raise them as their own.”

His eyes widened a bit, he was taken aback. “Why all over the world?”

“I don’t know if you know this, but a select few of them have the M2-gene, they are the purest form of molecular, biological, and cellular mutation. They’re not regular human beings. As they get older, we can’t risk having them in one place for the government to poke and prod at, it’s just not safe. And God forbid they grow up and procreate, that’s what Jane wants eventually. But her plan isn’t full proof, she created a breed of something that we have no idea of their capabilities, anything could happen to them. This is the best option for them in the long run.”

These children are Jane Sato’s life project, all she’s ever wanted to achieve but it’s all over now. He processed the fate of those poor children, wondering how long she had been planning this. “All of them will go?”

“Well, there are a few being handed over to family members, maybe two. But other than that, yeah.”

“What about him?” He pointed to the sweet little boy with gorgeous eyes.

She looked to where he was pointing. “Oh, little Yuuma. his mother resigned from the program when he was 2 months, he’ll probably stay here due to his more noticeable traits, he’s a sweet child but I don’t think he’ll blend in very well with society...”

“I want to adopt him.” He spoke with not a hint of hesitance in his voice.

She recoiled, surprised that he’d consider such a kind and difficult thing. “Are you sure Dr. Kim? That’s quite the responsibility, and you’re at the height of the practice-”

“Absolutely, I have an older daughter. And besides, I know the child, I helped care for him from time to time.” He took quite a liking to the child, he felt as if he could raise him as his own. Especially with the knowledge he has of the system Jane had in place, he could do this. “I’ve taken quite the liking to him, he’s like my own.”

“Alright then, I’ll get those adoption papers for you and you can take him home first thing tomorrow morning.”

She went on her way, leaving Dr. Kim to monitor the child from the window. The most striking feature of little Yuma had him wondering what his gifts were, why he had physical manifestations of what he was capable of. Then again, it could just be a birth defect due to the cellular treatments. He walked into the little room, and just as he expected, Yuman ran right up to him – well, more like stumbled.

“Well, hello again.” Dr. Kim smiled, finding that the child seemed to be made for him. “I’m happy to see you too.”

“Look!” The child grabs him by the hand to show him what he had drawn with the crayons that were no bigger hand than his tiny hands.

“Here you are,” She came back, handing him the papers, “his official birth certificate says Yuma, with no last name. You’re welcome to change that.”

“Well, I’ve always loved the name Taehyung.” He looked at the kid, seeing that he was focused on his second drawing, “I think it fits.” He gazed loving at little Taehyung. “When I look at him, he’s proof that all honest wishes come true and everything will be alright even when facing difficult times.” He grabbed the paper and pen. “Kim Taehyung...”

You rummaged through the closet, finding a few things you could slip on as a disguise. “This should work...” You put the baseball cap and face mask on so all that can be seen is your eyes. It doesn’t seem like the best decision the leave his place but if you want to stay here for another day, you need your own stuff. His lotions and soaps are very nice but you prefer yours.

You put on a t-shirt and what you were wearing yesterday, and you were ready to go.

For some reason, your hands felt icy cold—nothing too new. But as you clenched your fists, hoping to get some good circulation, they warmed up a little. Due to your unconscious suppression of what you assumed to be your energy, you always felt a drastic change in temperature.

“Go and come back.” You exhaled, that’s all you had to do – not so hard. You went to the front door and walked out, on a mission.

You made the decision to call a cab to get to your place because if you were to walk it’d be midnight before you got there. You got into the cab that you had flagged down and gave him an address near to your home.

On the way there, as you tried not to appear anxious or suspicious, you got a text from Tae. ‘I’ll be heading home soon, do you need anything?’ You exhaled in relief, you thought he found out that you left for a second there. ‘I’m ok, thank u tho’

With that quick response, you tucked your phone into your pocket.

“We’re here miss.”

You looked up to see you were at your intended destination—finally. You thanked and tipped the guy before going on your way, the cafe not far from your home. You walked the distance, feeling your nerves tense at the realization that you’re walking around as a wanted civilian. All you could think was, this is so stupid, but also, I need clothes.

You tiptoed into the elevator, thankful you hadn’t run into anyone as you shoved the door closing button. Get your stuff and go without interruption, that means avoid Jan. She’s probably already gathered that you weren’t home last night, if she catches you, the questions will never cease.

Luckily, you made it to your apartment and quickly went inside, locking the door behind you. You went to your room, grabbed one of your weekenders, a backpack and started stuffing them with as much stuff as you could. Toiletries, clothes, your computer, and a few personal necessities. You only hoped Taehyung wasn’t coming home early if you could remember your office hours correctly, he shouldn’t be headed home for another 20 minutes.

“You’re getting off rather early for a Monday sir.” Margaret peeked up from her typing on the computer, seeing Taehyung exiting his office.

“Yeah, I’m going to get some rest. I might be traveling to Saipan or Milan tomorrow, not sure yet.”

“Oh, for the sales pitch at the luxury resort.”

“Yeah,” He waved, “I’ll see you tomorrow, goodnight.”

He made his way to the elevator, sighing deeply. His father had left not too long ago so he could meet Taehyung at his home with medicine and some things that he thought might help you. It was comforting to know that despite him not knowing you, he trusted Taehyung enough to trust you. Heck, even if you said you trusted him, he knew you were still wary about him. But when you had shared that kiss last night, he knew at that moment that you had never let your guard down before. He couldn't stop thinking about it, how could he? He’s lived his entire life assuming he was the only person like him. To know that you exist gives him a sense of hope.

He pulled into the garage and in a moment's time, he was walking to his front door but he stopped in his tracks—something wasn’t right. The fervor, sweet energy wafting off of you and into him as he approached you, it wasn’t there. He couldn’t feel it and his heart sank.

She’s not here. He didn’t have to unlock the door since it was already unlocked, stepping inside and just as he expected, you were nowhere to be seen.

He took out his phone and called you, it went to voicemail almost immediately. His initial response was to panic, you could be anywhere, you could’ve been taken, anything. He quickly removed his suit jacket and pushed his hair back, he wasn’t sure if he needed to go look for you, call you or-

The door began to creek and you peeked from behind it, a good bit of luggage in your hands and a condemned expression on your face.

You struggled to pull your bags over the lip of the door, but when you did, you staggered.

“Hi...”

“Where have you been?”

Pulling off the mask, you walk your luggage to your room as he follows. “I needed some of my things.” You lifted your luggage to lay flat on the bed so you could take some of your things out. “I didn’t think you’d be back for a while so I went to my apartment.”

He stares in disbelief. “There are people probably willing to hurt you if it means taking you to the SRMA, and you thought it was a good idea to just go out?” He was pacing—his agitation permeating the room like a heavy humidity that you didn’t want to be around.

“Nothing happened, I was careful not to come into contact with too many people. You shouldn’t be upset with me, I just needed some clothes...” You pulled out your pajamas, setting them on the nightstand with your toothbrush and toiletry bag. Honestly, he didn’t know if it was worth arguing about since you clearly saw no problem with it. But he would be lying if he said he wasn’t fearing that something bad had happened to you.

“I understand.” He wrapped his arms wrapped around you from behind, his chin resting against your head gently. “I’m just glad you're okay.” He inhaled your scent, exhaling near your ear soothingly—his breathing made your legs tremble. He nuzzled his head against yours. “You’re worried...Why?”

You turned to him. “You’re worried that I’m worried,” You grab his hand from their comfortable place on your back to go back unpacking your things, “I don’t need a supernatural connection to know that.”

He leaned against your bed. “So, what’s wrong?”

“I’m technically unemployed now...” You confessed. The realization that you hadn’t been to work or contacted your manager, you felt you surely weren’t still on the payroll anymore. 

“I haven’t contacted my manager or anything, and I haven’t checked my emails.” You shake your head. “If I’m not doing any work, I don’t have a job. That’s just basic logic.”

“You’re forgetting I’m the CEO.” That was true. “I’m moving you up. I’ll contact your location and let them know what I decided. You’ll be an assistant consultant for camera testing at HQ, it’s a pretty lonely  job but it’s not bad, I’ll pay you well.” You were a bit stunned, he’s offering you a job at his office, he’s giving you the opportunity to be at the top of the company, with him.

“Really?” You were surprised. 

“Absolutely.”

“Thank you, Taehyung-” You pause at the sound of footsteps, jingling keys, your brows furrowing in concern.

“Are you expecting someone? Someones coming to the door...” You shy away.

“Um,” Fearing your reaction, he pauses, unsure of how to tell you, “I invited someone over.”

“Who?” You backed away subconsciously, and Taehyung could feel you bracing yourself—the air around you dropping to a startling temperature. You scrunched your nose, “They have a bag of bottles-...Pill bottles or something.” Your suspicion grew as he walked out of your room, you followed him.

“It’s my dad, I asked him to come over and meet you. Are you okay with that?”

Is he serious?

“Why would I be okay with that Taehyung?“ He cringes at your tone. There was a knock on the door, two the be exact. 

“I don’t know your father, and I don’t appreciate you not asking me if I was okay with this beforehand. Why does he need to meet me?”

Instead of answering your question, he went to open the door and you quickly retreat to your bedroom, furious. You push the door closed and lock it—how dare he. You couldn’t believe it. What made him even consider that’d be okay with this? His father is a doctor for goodness sake. And you do not like doctors. You trust Taehyung, you feel the connection and everything, you know he’s one of you but

He sighs, letting his father in with a frustrated roll of his eyes when he got a sense of your aura turning foul, brisk – unpleasant entirely. And he knows you’re doing it on purpose, your trying to have an attitude about this to show how upset you are about him not asking beforehand. Like he would tell his father not to come over.

“So, where is she?” His father looks around, confused as to why this mystery girl wasn’t there to greet him.

“She’s afraid to talk to you.” Admittedly, he had foreseen this happening but he was hoping for it to be wrong.

“Did you tell her I was coming?” He could understand your reaction if you were unaware of the arrangement.

“Well,” He tilts his head, “no, I didn’t think she’d have a problem since she knows you’re my father and all, maybe I should’ve said something beforehand...I’ll go talk to her and see if she’ll come out.” His father nodded as he walked to the guest bedroom that you spitefully locked.

He knocked.

“Hey, he just wants to talk to you. He’s not here to hurt you, ok? Just come out, please.” There was a long pause of silence, then he heard low footsteps approach the door and the jiggle of the doorknob. Slowly, you opened the door and looked up at him.

“I don’t know him...” You frown, arms crossed in defense.

“He just wants to help, and he came all this way for you, just give him a chance.” Taehyung flaunts his big ole’ puppy eyes, practically giving you no other option than to sigh and comply. 

You didn’t know if you’d regret this later but it’s not like you had much to lose. Groaning in defeat, you start walking. “Fine.”

You walk past Tae and when you enter the living room, his father instantly stands, eyes landing on you. He stares curiously at the sight of you, just as he anticipated, he can feel a change in the air and it has to be because of you.

“I’m Y/n,” You awkwardly extend a hand, clearing your throat, “it’s nice to meet you...”

“I’m Taehyung’s father, Kim Taewoo.” You two shake hands’ briefly, and you’re eagerly taking a seat far from him. Taehyung opted to bridge the gap by sitting by you and by his father who was in the armchair.

“So,” Your tone is unsure but to the point, “what do you want to know about me?”

“Well, firstly, how is your health? I was a bit worried, Taehyung told me a bit about your story and he says you haven’t received medical treatment for your condition.” He spoke like a true doctor, it made you regret agreeing to this.

“I don’t have a condition, I’m not sick and there’s no cure for what I am. I’ve been called a monster...and if I go to the doctors, they’ll treat me like one...” You rubbed your hands together, antsy under the man's scrutiny.

“You’re not a monster dear, just like I’ve told Taehyung his entire life, you’re not a mistake or an accident...You’re a gift. ” You blinked at his odd father like words, those were words you weren’t used to hearing from anyone. He pressed his lips in a straight line before speaking again. “So, you found out when you were around 10?”

You nod.

“What did you notice first?”

“My hearing, one day I realized I was really sensitive to sound, it caused some problems in school...” Your eyes followed his hands as they reached for a notepad and pen, you gnawed on your bottom lip in curiosity.

“Oh, sorry,” He noticed your sudden confusion, “I’m just writing down what you’re saying dear, is that okay?”

You nod. “That’s fine...”

Taehyung glanced at you, taking a moment to slide his hand into your own, catching your lowered gaze. It was as if he was absorbing you and giving you bits of him to soothe your mind.

“Do you know what your powers are?” You had never had anyone call what you have powers—you never thought of what you have as a power, it’s just a part of you that you try to suppress.

“No, I just know my senses are heightened and I have an attachment to energy, I don’t know how to explain it...” You were starting to get uncomfortable given you had never talked so openly about this. “I guess I conduct it or something, when I touch things or if I’m upset.”

He looked at you, his eyes sweeping over your familiar facial features. There was something about your eyes that bewildered him, there was a softness—a gentleness in the air around you. 

“Y/n, does the name Yves sound familiar to you?”

Your ears perked at the name, so did Taehyung’s.

“Well, Taehyung had...” You leaned in to speak to Taehyung. “I thought it was maybe a mistake or he was just sleep talking but-...” A heat came to your cheeks at realizing what you were about to say to his father, “Taehyung called me that in his sleep.”

Taehyung recoiled, a blush on his cheeks—why didn’t you tell him sooner and what was the cause of him saying that name?

“I did?” He scratches the back of his neck. ”That’s funny, that name isn’t familiar to me at all.”

“Well, that’s what you said.” You look up and realize Mr. Kim is in deep thought. 

“Mr. Kim? Is everything okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost...” Uneasiness began to buzz in your stomach, you weren’t sure what he was thinking.

His mind was racing. For years he believed Jane would never be able to get two of the M2-gene carriers in one place—he hoped it would never happen for the carrier's sake. Never had he even dreamed of meeting another child like Taehyung. Jane Sato would kill to have the two of you, she’d do anything to get you two. Her two favorite creations, pretty little Yves and sweet little Yuma.

“Taehyung,” He looked to his son lovingly, solace in his eyes, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner...”

“Told me what?”

“Where you came from...” His aura seeped with affliction, so much so that Taehyung felt physically affected by it.

“You told me, an experiment by Jane Sato...So is Y/n, right?”

That’s what he’s been told all his life, was it not the truth?

“Yes, but you’re not like Zoe Akasma Hawn or the mutants you see on TV, you’re very different –” He thought about the most fitting term to use, “special. You didn’t undergo mutation as an infant, you were mutated on in the womb not long after conception, both of you.” You were both silent, your ears fixated on his words, and eyes furrowed in shock.

“Jane was a very close friend of mine. She had a classified project called the Flower Garden. I was one of the only few people who knew about it...”

- Flashback -

“This is the Flower Garden, that’s what I call this place. In each of these rooms, there’s an expectant mother. They have willingly given up their unborn child to be a part of something bigger, something that will change the course of genetic evolution and human mutation as we know it. Each and every patient allowed me to experiment on their children 3 weeks to 2 months after conception. These children, my children, will be the most beautiful creatures to grace the planet. I was able to reverse any type of genetic imperfection that the baby may have and bend it to my will, replace bad genes with perfect ones.”

“You look shocked, say something.” She sighed, already seeing the disdain on his face.

“Jane, you-” He lightly grabbed her arm, taking her to a secluded corner.

“You’ve been genetically altering unborn babies? Are you serious? Doesn’t it harm the mother?”

“I have a Ph.D. in any science and medicine you can think of, I know what I’m doing. The baby’s state is not dependent on the mother, these are the purest form of my project, they’re perfect. And Dr. Kim, some of these babies would be parentless if it weren’t for my program.” She was starting to get upset now. “I have a woman here, she wasn’t prepared for a child, at all, she didn’t know what to do and I gave her a second option. Her child, he’s showing the most signs mutation. When he’s born, he’s going to be stunning, I can already tell.”

“How were you able to get this past the medical board or the government? These are fetuses your playing with Jane.”

“First of all, I’m not playing with them. They’re like my own flesh and blood, I wouldn’t do anything to hurt them. And second of all, a government official signed off on the program, he’s helping fund it.”

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Look, I just- I don’t understand it.”

“Come with me, I want you to meet one of the mothers, she comes every other week.” She grabbed his hand and took him to one of the rooms. With a light knock, they entered the room.

“Hello, Dr. Sato.” The woman smiled, she looked about 4 months along.

“Hi, this is Dr. Kim, I wanted him to meet you.” She smiled, Dr. Kim greeted her politely. “I thought you’d be the best person to explain why you’re doing this, he doesn’t quite understand it.”

“Well, it’s simple really. I’m young, I didn’t expect to have to deal with a baby at 21, I didn’t want to get rid of him, that’s just not who I am…So, I went to an adoption clinic, that’s when I met Jane.” She paused. “She told me that he could live a life unlike any other. I didn’t understand then, but in my third trimester, I met a two-year-old who could calm anyone, with just a touch. It was unexplainable, and I thought, I could give my child a gift that some would change the course of humanity. That’s all it took for me to believe.” She smiled in content, a glimmer of joy in her eyes. “Jane’s doing something that nobody else has dared to do, and I trust her, all of us do.” Jane beamed with pride, she had built a connection with all of the parents.

“Little Yuuma is due in December, we’re thinking he’ll be a new years baby, but December 30th is the plan.”

- Flashback end -

Taehyung wore no expression, not a hint of emotion on his face and it made you feel awkward. He knew his birth mother was young and gave him up for adoption but he never knew the details. You were taken aback by his fathers words as well, the whole idea of a program based around experimenting on babies turns your stomach. You could see his confusion, it was hard to process all of this, you understood that more than anyone.

“So,” You interjected, “d- Did you know my parents? Their names were Winnie and Jun...”

Mr. Kim smiled. “Oh yes, they were good friends of Jane from college, they were two of the few the doctors and scientists willing to help with her research. They believed in her belief that through technological advancements, the idea of physical imperfections, chronic illness, genetic disorder or even the common cold can be made history through rigorous genetic and biological alterations. Mutating ill patients was phase one, phase two was taking hundreds of volunteers and testing on them until she gathered enough participants with the M2-gene.” He glanced at his son, then back at you.

“What’s an M2-gene?”

“It’s a genetic trait passed down to a handful of humans, it’s a sign of supernatural gifting if you will. Jane devoted the final project for her doctorate to prove it’s existence. All of the children in the Flower Garden had at least one parent who possessed the gene, and if not, if she caught it early enough she could create a synthetic replica of the gene and attach it to the fetus’s DNA strand.” He looked at you. “And Yves, that’s what your mother and Jane called you even when you hadn’t been born yet. But both names should be on your birth certificate. And Taehyung,” He looked at Tae who was off in his own world but looked up at his father,

“Jane had named you Yuma, a name I actually grew fond of when I’d come help take care of you on my off days.” He beamed at the lovely memory of Taehyung as a toddler. “But when I adopted you, in order to shield your identity, I had to change your name. She named all of the children actually, most names corresponding with the power they possessed.”

“All of them?” You furrow your brows. “How many of us are there?”

“Maybe 10, I never got the exact number. But the rest of them were sent all around the world with parents assigned to hide their identity, your the only known two in this country right now, at least that I know of.”

“Do you know what we’re capable of? Or why we’re connected? Because the more we’re around each other, the more I feel like our meeting isn’t a coincidence.” Taehyung was adamant about you and him having a connection, he could feel your energy, it gave him a slightly euphoric sensation—a sense of tranquility.

He made a thoughtful expression. “I don’t know, Jane said you two shared similar powers, your mothers had the same symptoms during their pregnancies. When you were born though, I used to hold you Taehyung, and I’d feel a calmness, Jane said it was one of your gifts, to emotionally influence. And Y/n,” He looked at you, “Jane kept you very hidden, so I’m not completely sure what you can do, I don’t even think she was that sure...” He spares Taehyung and you a sympathetic glance.

“I’m sorry you had to live so long without knowing son. I thought maybe keeping you from it would help him mold into society better, I wanted you to live a normal life.” Taehyung looked at his father, his aura was dim, his heart was heavy with remnants of guilt from keeping this from him. “I love you Taehyung, I just wanted to keep you safe.”

Taehyung was understanding, he was grasping this in the best way possible but you were a different story. He could read your emotions, it was like you didn’t know how to process it – you were in shock. He considered holding your hand to comfort you, but there was so much tense energy around you that he was afraid of what might happen if he touched you.  

“I’m sorry Taehyung-”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. You adopted me and gave me a life that I’m lucky to have, I’m thankful for you.” He touched his father's shoulder. “I wouldn’t have known what to do if I were in your position but I do know I wouldn’t be here without you.” He wore a kind, understanding smile that skillfully masked his current concern for your well-being.

It’s all sinking in.

Your parents, the two people in this world that were supposed to protect you and love you, gave you up for the love of their careers. How could anyone give up their unborn child to a project full of outlandish ideology and uncertain experimentation? You had always thought about your parents, in your mind, no matter what your uncle said, they had to have loved you. Every fiber of your being wanted to believe that they wanted the best—but how could you believe that now? You clenched your fists, were struck frozen with thoughts of your future, your past, even at this very second.

“Y/n,” Dr. Kim cleared his throat, relief in his calm expression. At the short bit of silence, glancing down at the of bag medicine he realized one of the reasons he came here. “I brought a few things for you.”

You’re eyes trail down to his bag. “I made these for Taehyung when he was young, they’re supplements. When he was a child, he would get overwhelmed and unable to control his abilities. Sometimes he’d get deficient in vitamins and other times his power would keep him up for no reason, he’d say he could see lights, even in the dark, he couldn’t control his ability then. I thought you might have a similar issue so I brought medicine that helps steady the heart rate.” He extends the bottle to you.

“Um,” You reach out your hand but hesitate, biting your lip, “I don’t see auras or anything like that, I think I’m okay.” That was a half-truth that Taehyung could easily see-through. “Thank you though.”

“I think you should try it, at least once.” Taehyung grabbed the bottle and sat it on the coffee table in front of you.

“But I’m not a child, it might not even work for me and I don’t have any trouble controlling my abilities.” Now that was a lie. Concealing your powers are not controlling them, the two are very different.

“Double the dosage.” He suggested. Your eyes cut to Taehyung, secretly despising his excessive attention to you and persistence.

“Alright then,” Dr. Kim stood up.

Yes, he’s leaving, you thought.

“I’m here if either of you needs anything, alright?”

“Alright, thank you.” You bid him farewell and Taehyung walked him out.

“Thank you for coming over,” Taehyung stood outside of the door to talk to his father in private, even though you could probably hear him, “and telling us all of that.”

“It was long overdue. After everything she’s gone through, I’m just glad she’s not alone. She seems like she’s had it pretty rough in life because of what she is.”

*

*

You walked into your bedroom, and you could still hear them talking but turned a deaf ear to it out of courtesy, it’s the polite thing to do. Today was quite an adventure. You went out into a city where the  FBI is looking for you, just to get some clothes. You come back to Taehyung’s place to be met with his father who thought it was a grand idea to bring you some drugs. You rarely take medication, if ever. The occasional ibuprofen for a headache or tea and vitamins for a cold is fine, but drugs with words you can’t even pronounce? Not your forte.

There was so much going through your head right now. This is the first time you’ve ever heard the truth. The real truth. The truth about Jane Sato, your parents, and about how you came to be. You didn’t know if you were angry, sad, or just plain confused, it was a lot to take in.

Taehyung was still outside so you decided to go wash the day off of you and jump into your cozy blue PJs. You walked into the bathroom, cracked the door, and discarded your clothing. You threw your clothes into a small pile and hopped in the shower, letting the warm water run down your body.

Your eyes squeezed shut, you tried to push back your angry thoughts. You were feeling hurt, confused, flat out abandoned. The parents you had idolized, wished you had the chance to spend time with were the ones responsible for what you are. How could this be a gift? All it’s ever done is to bring you pain and suffering. It’s gotten you kicked out of your own home, fired, almost assaulted—and they thought making you this way was a gift? You couldn’t understand it. You’re not all human and the older you get, the more obvious that is.

When the front door closed, you heard Taehyung walk to his room and close the door. Not long after, you heard the water running in his shower. It was then that you realized you had been standing in this shower for quite a while, it’s about time you get out.

You reached for the shower nozzle to turn the water off, but your hand rested there for a few seconds before turning.

“Ah!” You jerked back and at the same time, you heard a shriek coming from the far end of the house and you cringed at the sound. The water went scalding hot all of a sudden. Dumbfounded, you quickly wrapped a towel around you and eyed the shower.

“What the heck was that...” You mumbled, going over to the counter to get your pajamas on. First the light bulb, the subway car, then this? Maybe I do need to take something... If you keep having incidents like this, there’s no way you can go out into the city and not get found out.

You walked out of your bedroom and walked up to his room door and knocked. “T- Taehyung?” Again, you knocked and the door opened.

You looked to see him in a dove white robe and he was patting his hair dry, his contacts were out too. He grinned. “Come in.”

For a moment, you just stared at him and it took a few seconds for you to hear him tell you to come in. When your feet started moving, that’s when you finally got a good look at his room—and you thought your room big. His room made your room look like a coat closet.

“About the water,” You stood awkwardly, trying not to look as he was slipping some clothes on with the bathroom door slightly open, “I heard you shout when the water got really hot,” You nibble your bottom lip, “I didn’t do it on purpose, I’m sorry.”

“That was you?” You nod. “I figured as much.”

He idly buttoned up his pajamas. “That’s not your fault, I’m sure it burned you too.” You went to the cozy love seat near the window where he had a brewed cup of herbal tea on a little table beside it.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I didn’t want to tell your father but ever since we met, I haven’t been able to control myself like I used to.” He reached over to the coffee table to get his tea and you suddenly stood up, standing in front of him. 

Your brows knitted tightly. “Is the same thing happening to you? Because you don’t seem to have any visible problems.” 

He took a seat on the edge of his bed. “I get an occasional migraine here and there, but other than that, I feel like having you around has actually been beneficial for me. I wish it was the same for you...” He took your hand, bringing it up to his lips.

“I’m feeding off of your energy and your powers are reacting.” He gazed into your eyes, drawing you into the abyss of his captivating orbs. 

You scorn at the term, ‘powers.’ 

“Taehyung,” You frown, “you’re so content with all of this. I just found out my parents gave me to some sick doctor who made me- Made us into- I don’t even know...” You step away from him to sit on the edge of his bed. 

“I don’t know how I feel about myself, I want to be okay with it but I’m not,” He turned to join you, laying across his bed, supporting his head with his hand. 

“Out of all of your time knowing you had these abilities, did you ever once love something about it?” He grinned when you dropped on your back, laying a shy distance away from him. 

“Love? It comes in handy sometimes but it used to get me in a lot of trouble. Movie theaters are a pain, I haven’t gone to one in years because all of the sounds hurt...Bright lights, smells, touches, it’s all amplified for me. I’m just lucky I can control that most of the time now. If I’m not careful I can burst light bulbs, mess with temperatures like I did to the water here, it’s kind of scary to live with because it’s so unpredictable, so I suppress it.”

He studied you with half-lidded pearly eyes. “You’re hypersensitive...I am too but it’s mainly just my sight.” For a split second, his eyes glimmer, almost intensifying the already luminous tones in it. 

“Do you want to know what color you’re emitting right now?... You’re purple,”

He tight-lip grinned, eyes squishing from his happy cheeks, “I’ve noticed that whenever you’re relaxed, happy, or if you have one focused emotion, you’re this purplish hue. I’ve never seen it on anyone else before but I’m really drawn to it.” He rolled on to his stomach and crawled over to you slowly, not getting too close, he kept your personal space in mind. 

“I have to be honest with you, I want to feel your energy in every way possible...” His wording was so very honest, it made you flush a little. “And it's amplified at night.”

You gulp. “I- I don’t think it’s smart to be near each other than,” You sheepishly confess, “we don’t know what could happen, y’ know? Like, um, because of our energies and everything... ”

“On the contrary, I think it would help us.”

Of course, he thinks it would help us.

“Of course you do.”

“No, I’m serious,” He whines, “when you’re asleep, your presence is blissful, it calms me.”

“You’re over-exaggerating.” You got up and stretched your arms. “I’ll see you in the morning, goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Yves.” He purrs, a smirk ever so present on his lips. You abruptly exited the room, and to your distaste, he followed. Heat began to rise up to your cheeks and to the tips of your ears. You weren’t sure if it was from the annoyance of the name or the fact that your body’s out of whack—either way, you didn’t want to hear the name again.

You pause in your tracks, glaring back at him. “Don’t call me that.”

“That’s technically your name.” You didn’t even respond, what were you supposed to say? Legally, you aren’t even supposed to be in this country, so why go by technicalities? 

You stand there, not breaking eye contact—for his eyes could possess you if you weren’t careful. You’d never admit it, but when you look at him, you can hear a little voice telling you to let go and let him in. You hate it and force yourself to ignore it.

“Y/n, I’ve been thinking and I want you to know that-”

Before he could finish that sentence, you were in your room with the door shut. All he could do was sigh, and stand in his living room. He was determined to be with you, to feel your energy even if you didn’t think you wanted it—he knew you were hiding it.

You sigh, sitting on the edge of the bed and lazily slipping your bunny bedroom shoes off. “Hugh...” Finally, some peace and-

Taehyung suddenly barged into the bedroom and you jumped back in surprise.

“You’re being rude.”

“What?- Rude?” You rise to your feet.  

“Yeah, I was talking to you and you just walked away.” He up walked to stand right in front of you. “What is the matter with you?” For a moment he just stares at you as if to pry into your soul and uncover your secrets, he’s planning something, you can sense it. 

During that stare off, you can practically see a light bulb come to his mind and you brace yourself. Thinking this night could hide no more surprises, you see him fiddling with the buttons on his pajamas. You panic of course – nononono, what is this — what is he doing? Your eyes widen to the size of saucers when he walks to turn the light off.

“Um, hey, Taehyung – what’re you doing? Tae,” You try to shield your eyes but your curiosity brings you back to his perplexing actions, “Oh my g-” His chest is now exposed and your cheeks go spread with red like a cherry bomb, “keep your shirt on, we’re not-” You stutter as he comes closer, “I-I’m not-”

“Shh, it’s not like that,” His tone is calm as he gets to the third or fourth button and stops, “you need to see this.” You’re still sitting on the edge of the bed as he towers above you, his gaze making you shake anxiously.

“W-what-...” He takes your hand and places on his warm, bare chest. And just to make sure you don’t move it, he kept his hand on yours. “I- I don’t understand.”

“Shh...” He shushes you for the second time and you finally get the memo to save your questions for later. His eyes fall shut with a breathy sigh, and when you finally take a peek your hands on his chest, you nearly leap out of your skin.

“Oh my god!” You squeal, “Oh my god, oh my gosh-” Luminescent veins began to brighten up from your fingers up to your wrist and so on, “What's happening?” You try to yank your hand away and that’s when his eyes opened, burning more vibrant than ever. Rather than telling you what was going on or releasing your hand, he uses his free arm to pull you against him.

“C- calm down and don’t move, please...” His voice trembled as if your movement pained him.

Your eyelids flutter shut and you fall limp in his embrace, you lost a fight to deep sleep. Not long after that Taehyung falls to sudden fatigue and drops back on the bed with a low thump to the mattress. Your still, unconscious form lying quietly on his chest.

Darkness.

Your eyes shoot open at a pang in your chest, you’re flat on your back and all there is to be seen is obscure nothingness. 

You slowly look around as you carefully stand to your feet. Where am I. Physically, you felt no notable change but your mind felt as though you had transcended to another plane?

“H- Hello?” You flinch at the booming echo of your voice. You peered down to see you were still in your pajamas and barefooted.

“Where am I...” 

With a bit of hesitation, you begin to walk around, still grasping on the sleeves of your top for dear life—that’s when you heard a voice that was definitely not your own. Hello?

You freeze dead in your tracks at the sound of a familiar resonating voice. His voice sounds as if it were a part of your consciousness. Where are you? His voice draws nearer and you start walking to where it might be coming from.

“Stay where you are,” You’re running now, eyes darting everywhere but the path in front of you. “I’ll come to you!-“

A force slammed into you at the same speed and you Taehyung. This is his fault. is suddenly in your line of sight and you quickly get up.

“What did you do?!”

“Why are you blaming me? I didn’t do this.” This felt weird, it was like he was floating but grounded on to something solid and it was holding him down. He frowned, he was just as surprised as you—he had intentions but this wasn’t one of them.

You couldn’t stop yourself from rolling your eyes at his profession. “Then why were you holding my freakin’ hand and body on your chest against my will? Huh? Explain.”

“I don’t know, I’ve never done this before.” He looked around, just as confused as you. He breathes, tilting his head at what he sees. “I just wanted to tap into your emotional psyche. You’re so tense sometimes and since I can feel it, and it’s uncomfortable, my intention was to level with you, relax you a little bit...” His words trail off. “Not do this, whatever this is...”

“I don’t like this...” You mumble arms wrapped firmly around yourself. At the shift in the air, you realize that he’s not as calm anymore.  

“I think we’re in an alternative consciousness, a dream or something...” He walks past you, eyes focused on something behind you.

But there’s nothing behind me-

You gasp at the drastic switch in the once bleak scenery. 

It’s an eerie room, dull green lights, bushels of flowers lining the newspaper-covered walls. Ivy hung loosely on the two windows with views you had never seen before. A little old television was mounted to the corner of the room and it glitched, nothing but a continuous replay of a distorted picture.

Cold. It’s ice-cold—freezing. 

You’re standing in a shallow little body of water in the center of the room, it seemed bottomless, dark. Taehyung knelt in front of the small pool, dipping his hand in the water as if it were familiar. It’s coming to him now, the melancholic flowers, the oddly placed body of water—he’s seen this in a dream before.

“I’ve seen this before,” He stands to his feet, “in my dreams...I’ve been in this room.” You swallow, heart rate suddenly at the will of his words—his voice.

“Your dreams...” You repeat his words as you cautiously stepped out of the water, shivering at the cold surface you’re now standing on. “T-Taehyung, h- how do we get out of here? It’s freezing...” 

“You’re cold? I feel fine.” He sounds surprised, but you were more shocked that his teeth weren’t chattering like yours. He walks to you to investigate, touching your goosebumps-covered arms. Concern etched into his expression. “You’re like ice...you’re trembling.” He wraps his arms around you, hoping to supply some type of heat for you. “Is that better?”

“Why aren’t you cold?-“ 

You let out a high pitched shriek of sheer agony and fall out of his embrace. The sound of glass shattering erupted in your ears like a bomb and you collapsed to your knees.

“I-it hurts!” Tears begin to well up in your eyes, “it hurts, it hurts!” You cover your ears with both hands, trying to shield out the sound, but it did little to nothing. You just cried and cried, begging for deliverance from the pain, “Make it stop!”

“I know it hurts,” He tries to remain cool and collected, “but we need to emulate what we did to get here in order to get out.” He tried to keep you still but you steadily rocked in a panic.

“Do you hear me?” You nod weakly before giving him your hand. Just as he did before, he placed your hand on his chest and pulled your bodies together in an embrace. He sensed your inner turmoil, your confusion for life, and the constant suppression—it’s trying to eat you alive. 

“You need to breathe and relax, stop bracing yourself.” At this rate, it was about time to switch into a different gear and bring the pressure. “Calm down-”

You cry out. “I’m trying!-“

“No, you’re not!” His tone gives you unwanted chills. “I don’t want to force you to let your walls down, I’m trying to give you the freedom to do it yourself but you won’t do it. Do you want me to force you? Is that it? Because I swear I will if I have to, Y/n.”

Your blood is boiling at this point. It’s not easy to control yourself and he knows that.  

“I am trying! It’s just not working!” You shoved him away and got out of his hold. 

“This is unfair! How can you expect me to get out of here? I can’t control it! I don’t even know what it is!”

That'll do it. 

Unbeknownst to you, your eyes speckled with fiery saffron and amber, a color change he had never even seen on himself. Warm energy began to course through his veins and engulf his senses, you’re close. 

“That's good,” He praises you, “take that feeling and use it to focus on waking yourself up.” Despite your unstable state, he wrapped his arms around your waist. “We’ll do it together.” He swipes a finger across your jaw and you lean into him, eyes fluttering as you breathe in.

Heeding his instructions, you shut your eyes, concentrating all of your energy on breaking out of this.

Light.

You feel the warmth of soft light and you reach out to it—your eyes shot open and you're laying on Taehyung, who is still holding onto your hand for dear life. You breathe in relief, pressing your head against him in search of physical proof of your arrival back to the real world. Sure enough, Taehyung's heart is beating and he exhales lowly under you. If you're honest, you're very thankful for him right now. If he wouldn't have pushed your buttons the way he did, who knows how long you could've been trapped in there.

"Taehyung." You pulled your hand out of his grasp and shake him lightly. "Wake up, I'm back, it worked." His eyes remain shut, you start to panic a little.

"Hey, wake up! I didn't come back here to be by myself. Come back, can you hear me!?" You pat his cheek lightly.

"Ah, don't do this to me. Are you seriously still in there? How? Wake up! I can't go back in there so I need you to wake up so I don't want to do something stupid to get you up. Please." 

Nothing. He's as still as a log and you're faced with two choices; try to go back in there with him, or do something to him to wake him up.

"I'll splash you with water," That might work, "yeah, that might wake you up-" Just as you try to leave the bed you're pulled back and met with his goofy smile.

"You were trying to wake me up so you don't have to be alone,” He coos, “you do have a heart."

"I can’t believe you- Taehyung, we're not doing that again." You’re half relieved and half disappointed that he’s back.

"Are you kidding? We have to understand what it is. It must be unique to our bond so eventually, we should go back." He speaks so casually about it.

"Well, not any time soon." You shake your head. "Go back to your room Taehyung," You dismiss his teasing and crawl up to get under your covers.

"No," He gets up close to you, "you know if I leave, I might eventually come back. To avoid the trip, I'll just stay, if that’s okay..." Disregarding your wishes to sleep alone, he crawls in bed beside you.

"You don't have to pretend like you hate it, I can feel your feelings, you’re relaxing because I’m close to you." He pulls you to your side to face him. He can feel your feelings. That should have crossed your mind given how many times he's said it but it hasn't. It made you wonder, how do you make him feel? Though you hide it, you do care for Taehyung and you have feelings for him, but they're feelings that connect you to him against your will, that's why you fight it.

"Is this okay?" He had to ask, "I do want you to be comfortable with this..." Your heart lurches at the thought that he wanted you to consent to this above all.

"Y- Yeah, it's fine..." He soothes a hand on your head, "This is something-" You pause, scratching that sentence. "Nevermind..." You trail off.

"No, don't do that, talk to me," His eyes soften, "I like when you talk to me about how you feel, it makes me feel closer to you..." He bats his lashes sleepily, "You were saying?..."

"This is something I've never experienced before, being emotionally and physically close to someone...You seem to be adjusting fine but I'm a mess. And even though I try not to show it, I want to connect with you. I try so hard to ignore it but I feel like I shouldn't anymore, after what just happened..." His lips parted, eyes not leaving you for a second. "I've been unfair to you, and I'm sorry. This is new for you too and you're just doing what's instinctive in your DNA." You shy away from his intense eye contact, it made you nervous.

"I- I've always been lonely,” You stutter, “my whole life, and no ones ever showed me this much attention before.” The more it comes to the light, the more you realize how misshapen you are the aspects of human relationships. “You’re the closest thing I've ever felt to love..." 

“Then I want you to always remember this...” He firmly presses his lips to yours, he moves to cup your jaw and you twitch. He’s warm, intoxicating, everything he longed for you to feel—you were feeling it right now.

The proximity alone was enough to have you melting into his touch. He slides his lips against yours with an audible sound and cocks his head to the side. The mutual feelings in the air added to the intimacy, the tight coil building up in your chest as you smile into the kiss. He's leaning into you, tasting and cherishing the shy nibbles you take on his bottom lip. A thumb swipes a stray tear from your cheek and you gently pull away, eyes finding his with a timid glance. He presses soft kisses under your ear, hands snaking around your waist as he erupts in a sweet fit of giggles. Abashed, you clear your throat and divert your eyes.

"Look at me,” He sees the weary look in your eyes and quickening of your breath. “I'm just happy we're together, I feel like I'm complete with you. You’re the part of me that I've been missing my whole life, and that's not just my genus talking, we're meant to have each other and there's no doubt in my mind that I'm really starting to love you..."

His words were entirely sincere. Even for the considerably short time, he’s known you, he knew he never wanted to go another day without you. The burning desire he had for you would not allow him to go on without you. He wanted you to know, that even after the arguments, tension, painful sentiments, he could say those three words—I love you. 

To say it so loosely might ward you away so he held back, but it came out, not caring about your reaction. You can't lie, you tend to doubt a majority of things that seem too good to be true. But this is different, he has proven himself trustworthy and that soothes your worries more so than anything else. Taking was a nice change, you had never done that so much before getting involved with Taehyung. But it makes you feel lighter. Like the weight of your troubles weren't pounding on your back, it's freeing. Being with him is freeing, it feels natural to have him near you. You're meant to be together and your body's responses prove that.

The electricity coursing through your body only amplifies when you're with Taehyung. Even though you don't know much about your powers, it becomes painful the more you try to suppress it, especially around him. Since he said he basically feeds off of you like a source of energy, that might be why it's getting harder to suppress it, he's drawing it out.

The heart monitor beeped, the constant sound becoming a part of the white noise. The patient laid peacefully, lashes fluttering at the cool air coming from the air vents. She turned off the light, leaving the room with a quiet shut of the door.

She went back to the office, dreading a load of files to sort through. When she walked in, it was clear by the stack towering as high as a foot that she'd hand this off to an intern or something. She has better 'things to worry about than dosage instructions. Like she's done many times before, she begins to sort through the patients and put them on the hand-off table in the corner.

Knock knock. There's a knock at the door, "Who is it?" Before she can grant entrance, he casually walks in, that gray suit being as recognizable as wine on white.

"Jane." He smiles.

"Nelson," She relaxed at his arrival, "I thought you were gonna drop by in the morning, this is a surprise."

"I was in the area so I thought I'd pay you a visit." He slid a hand into his pocket as she walked over to take a seat on the little couch by the window. "How are you?"

"Fine." She replied simply, not looking t elaborate any further— the small talk was never a favorite of hers.

"Did you see the news from this morning?" He went to sit across from her. "I had an interview."

"I did, but I only caught a few minutes of it, your interview was good."

"Yes, it came out well. Have you read any articles or tabloids about the project?"

"I try not to read about it too much anymore, it just disgusts me how they distort my work the way they do, I can’t bear to read it anymore."

"That's understandable." He nods, eyes trailing from his hands to her gaze that's on the window. "But, there's something I know you’ll be happy to hear. We found one, a child of the Flower Garden."

She freezes, eyes glued to the image of the skyline through the window. He's said this before she got her hopes up, and they were wrong. She saw it foolish to take his word for it this time.

"You've said that before Nelson, I'm not getting my hopes for nothing-"

"We have proof, Jane. She works for one of the fortune 500's, and since those big companies have a list of policies regarding SRMA clearings, we were able to weed out suspicious people. She has never gotten cleared, in fact, she ignored all of the cities warnings to get cleared. As a result, I sent a federal agent out there to make sure she got cleared but she ran from him."

"That still doesn't prove anything, if they scare anyone I'm sure that person might run..." She wasn’t buying it.

He feels through his pockets for a moment, then shows her a photo. “This is her.” There you stand, smiling for an ID badge and she nearly loses all ability to comprehend. She inspects the photo with a hand on her chest to keep from tearing up, it can't be.

Yves, her life's work lives.

[fairy-strawberry]

life in montreal

I have lived in montreal for a year now. I have grown tremendously in this time. It feels hard to proccess at time everything ive been through. I have experienced a lot of ups and downs. I have been exposed to so many things I had dreamed of as a teenager, good and bad. I still feel imposter syndrom of calling myself an adult, an artist. I feel a bit isolated, like im not quite in touch with all of the refrences folks my age make but on the other end not in old enough to understand the refrences my older friends make. i know and have met so many people but I struggle to call most of them my friends. I have a few really close friends and have lost a few due to fsiled romance too. For the most part I feel happy and excited for my life but i have also been experiencing a lot of depression and anxiety, in different ways to what i have experienced in the past. my eting disorder is stil almost a daily struggle for me, however i finally have gotten help from my therapist, not that that has actually improved my mental wellbeing :-( Unfortunately my weight has fluctuated a lot through out this year. Overall I have gained around 15 pounds. It does make me feel a bit insecure. I struggle with comparison a lot. i am a very tall woman and I feel as though I take up too much space. being thin helped me feel small, but now I think I take up even more space. I have a strong desire to feel held and protected my men but me being taller than most of them causes a lot of anxiety and feelings of loneliness. I worry i wont be attractive. I hate that I have these feelings. Its so shallow, why do i base my confidence off of mens approval? The thing is i am also attracted to women or fem bodies, but I am finding it hard to explore my sexuality at the moment due to this need of approval and wanting to feel small with men. I feel a bit out of controll in my life. I worry that I am not smart or that I am not well read enough. am i boring? I think my eating disorder has taken away so much of the time I could have spent expanding my mind and consuming interesting content. My depression has left me feeling unmotivated to learn, to create. I live in such a wonderful city yet I feel out of place, un grounded. I come from a much more nature base city, closer to the ocean, mountains, forest, it was easy to escape the fast pace city life style, but here the city lifestyle feels all consuming. in many ways I am living my dream. i think i would ake my younger self proud, but I cant help but feel lost. I feel overwhelmed by all that I need to do or could be doing. I have not been organising my life at all. Over all this past year has been quite lovely, met interesting people, many of my values have changed for what I would believe to be the better, i feel a lot more confident in my being and in genral am proud of my self for taking on this challenge. A big thing in my life in the past has been goal setting. I think setting goals has been a really useful technique for me to feel motivated, on track, and in control. I have been neglecting taking care of myself alot lately. I think in someways I have this idea that taking care of yourself is un cool or selfish or what have you. My visual aesthetics line up with an unkempt, untaken care of lifestyle, but emotinally it is draining. l would like to take better care of myself, put a bit more effort in learning, growing, and caring. I think this effort would be so valuable in improvinbg my mental health, in increasing my confidence and lessening my anxiety. So some goal which I wish to get to are:

keeping organised

eat healthier

gental workouts

practice selflove

daily journal poems

get into nature

-> daily routine for organisation, self love and mental health

wake up early

write out todo list

20 min yoga

get ready for day

work or fun

clean up

create

shower

fun

journal

get in nature

sleep early

-> weekly todos

get healthy groceries

properly clean

laundry- clothes and sheets

weekly schedualing

run

do a bit of decluttering

[fmdrem]

date: from december 3rd to 19th, 2018 location: seoul, south korea / various ( mars’ dorms ; dimensions’ meeting & dance practice areas ; gocheok dome backstages & stage ) summary: the despair of jeon ahreum warning:  uh okay tbh there’s Some Shit going on and i did my best to tag EVERYTHING i could possibly think of so i still really suggest you to navigate with caution because ahreum’s self-destructive thoughts / warped perception of self AND the way he brings harm to himself are not bloody graphic per se,  but they can totally be something hitting close home due to how my writing has been conveying them. tl:dr: ahreum can totally be a character straight outta d*ngan r*npa. word count: 17006 words.

it all had started with a sighting of small little candles and snail shaped sugar treats on top of velvety cupcake swirls displayed at the front window of a pastry shop, the scent of cinnamon cookies, and a flinch of ghosts of birthdays past in wintry seasons greetings always bringing the loneliness of solitary years of struggle down his mouth as a reminder that he had to work harder.

no, it actually all started with the absence of reaction from one who was known to be all reactions and all flames —sitting nearby oldest member and companion while fidgeting with a shirt too big for his lithe frame and skinny legs, with many thinking he simply hadn’t had his morning coffee because it was widely known that jeon ahreum needed his cheap latte ( or anything with a dose of caffeine, truly ) in order to properly spritz life as he’s usually much more known for. it started wth himself and many others exchanging confused gazes because they were called so urgently and it was early, too early —mingi rubbing his heavily bagged eyes and his own hand clinging still onto minjae’s shirt as he wobbled in, geun and siwon looking beyond in need of another hour of sleep at least, because the melon music awards happened int even a few days ago and they weren’t still over their new schedule, finding himself barely curling a smile out and missing the chair he wanted to sit at least three times, and with not a single laugh from anyone because even he wasn’t in the mood for jokes and silliness.

it started with the executives arriving ten minutes late and looking ready to leave ten minutes earlier —as if looking at them all was almost an insult to their eyes like he was an insult to all of their efforts, a reminder to keep questions short and non controversial for the sake of brevity, jabbing at accidents that totally weren’t supposed to happen, especially on stage— talking, and talking while poor ahreum could feel his guts rot and skin getting itchy at the way the higher ups of them all kept mentioning other companies with the spite of a stereotypical villain because of how plain wrong that whole meeting felt like. 

it was supposed to be fun. it was supposed to make people happy —and he wanted people to be happy. even if it meant performing songs he didn’t like or keep himself awake with iv strings jammed on his left arm while trying to get changed so fast.

yet he would look at minjae almost as if expecting the worst to strike them all, the people pleaser, almost as if the entire routine that kept him barely there was on the verge of shattering once more. minjae would look back wth a worry that felt eons different from his own, give him a pat on the head, but it didn’t feel reassuring at all. nothing seemed to feel reassuring at all —nodding and complying and with every single word feeling like being pulled away from his mouth by a fisherman’s hook, because no matter what he didn’t seem to be able to say no, to say a syllable against the way stars aligned and strings pulled.

not even when his scheduled performance with kang junsu was announced with so much nonchalance by the executives before disappearing behind glass doors —and he was sure, so sure minjae could see the pure horror painting his own face white.

it continued with his forehead meeting the hard floor and the skin bruising blue and violet for the twenty-seventh times in the span of a week. or maybe less. days and nights always seemed to blend together like the millions of facets he’d shatter himself into in order to hide what’s ugly, because that’s what made people happy.

but he was doing something wrong. it must be certainly it. 

so he’d get up. he’d twirl and jump and fall again. he’d get up again, repeating that cycle over and over and making it part of an even bigger cycle —as if punishing himself for breaking down at home a few days prior because of how he broke down in sobs and tears after returning home from a meeting he’d rather compare to a death sentence, even if minjae and mingi and everyone consoled him within those walls —even when they’d reassure the the dying sun that was he to be free to let whatever was being bottled inside his heart even when ahreum knew so well that whatever was inside of him was rotten and ugly and completely shameful to even think about. 

it was a reason for why he’d push himself even harder, he’d chop himself into even finer pieces. just like his head kept throbbing with ache after telling minjae that yes, he was going to get the errands game going, that he was doing nothing except for dilly-dallying even if in his voice could be felt letting go of an exhale of uncertainty —pushing his hair to part so that the bangs would cover the bruises because he didn’t want to bother the makeup artists for some foundation ( it would bring questions, he didn’t want to answer ), putting a hat on alongside the best and most believable birthday boy face he could muster, sending hearts and smiley faces at whoever decided it was okay to waste a message or two to send for his birthday, because admitting that he was happy to see his friends thinking of him was selfish and he couldn’t be selfish at all, that was ugly and he was ugly and needed to stop at once if he wanted to be better and be more useful to others.

( causing problems after problems, stupid ahreum, idiotic puny thing always wasting everyone’s time )

he felt the ripple of anxiety lacerating his spine when there was people at home and his idea was just to get showered and bury himself into the studio, because he felt like the mask had grown thinner and thinner and was on the verge of breaking. or maybe it was a sign that the cycle needed to be broken and he didn’t want to, no. that meant exposing himself with all those missing pieces and pulverized sides —ugly ugly ugly ugly—, it meant disappointing and disappointment never made people feel happy, it meant failure, complete annihilation.

he’d hop from person to person with a smile on his face while inside he’d screech at them all for coming because they were supposed to do better things, things suiting their greatness and worth and not anything remotely associated with himself. he’d look at the cake on his plate and minjae sitting in front of him, give a small smile, open his mouth and letting the truth go for once in god knew how much time. 

the bruise on his forehead still throbbed.

                                         “ i don’t know if i even deserve any of this. ”

kang junsu released songs and pieces of himself were scattered in seven tracks like pieces of himself were now scattered on countless floors, and he felt exposed and disgusted to the core.

why junsu.

( it burns, like boiling water against the skin because he must be cleansed and purged or he won’t be getting any better. )

why.

( it fills the head with pain, against the wet tiles. again. again. again. to punish himself for stupid thoughts. )

why.

( it makes his heart think of himself as a touch number when he’s not. when he craved still the love of someone he was nothing but a stepping stone for. )

why.

its conclusion: gocheok dome could be filled with people to the brim or as empty and desolate as dimensions’ wallet, but jeon ahreum would still feel like he got shoved back in joseon and he was having his last walk of shame towards his last breath, covered in heavy damasks and gold shaped as a cloak to be pulled away from him with virulence and a fake halo fitting the saintly being he was not —gold lining his eyes and the guidelines for tears to follows as the way makeup artists would chirp how much he was pretty when all he wanted to do was to rip off all that gold from himself because it was always and solely meant for someone else.

always someone else, never himself.

he was selfish, ontop of a pipe organ with his whole vision being white and his own balance barely steady. he found himself abhorring. loathing every single bit of this, from the cameras ready to capture every single frame of his contorted despair, the organizations counting revenues over it all, those who were there to even more demean an art he’s given life and soul and happiness just because of his name not holding enough fame, the ceos and their sadism barely fed by money and backstabbing, whoever was the evil mastermind within the troposphere who remotely thought any of this pantomime was a good idea to begin with. hating himself so much for not wanting himself to strive for something better too  —he knew the reasons, he knew, let him throw that tantrum, it won’t resurface ever again, promise—, for having never been able to say no when he had the chance because even more so now was too late and he couldn’t pull back from that unveiling tragedy. it was the price to pay because he was a filthy coward, right? 

( no, tell me i’m wrong, i’m tired, let me out, let me out——— )

he could see junsu’s hands trembling while grasping at the side of the curtain ( do you miss me for real, he’d ask, but his mouth is sewn shut ) and he felt the urge of punching his stomach for even thinking of wanting to hold those hands into his equally trembling ones, because he lost that right three years ago and most likely junsu would be too disgusted to be touched by one like him.

people gasped in collective shock at the way the pulled curtain fell and a tear fell down his eye.

[laxita-00]

first love/ late spring

i- there’s a plant of ivy that has grown near my window. i feel like i fell for you, the day I tried killing myself. it’s a dilemma, a beautiful one.

ii- it’s not like you saved me, it’s just that you were a beautiful cautionary tale of what i shall become and i was all you once were. we were like reflections of each other, so doomed that the sympathy could never become mutual but so doomed that it never became a problem.

iii- and then I thought, if i could possibly fall for someone like you... I would start accepting myself too. maybe that was stupid but for the first time the void was feeling fulfilling.

Your name became a tempting curse and i ended up naming it love.

iv- it’s not like I wanted to save you or save us, I just wanted to dare to sit and see what shall we become. You didn’t give me hope, you just gave me an obsession and that obsession kept me moving.

v- you held my hand for the first time, our fingers then intertwined and my hand had fit perfectly in yours and my grief for living stopped for a split second.

vi- the song in the car went fainter and my exhausted eyes got intoxicated, you were an addiction, a tempting one.

vii- “we’re beautiful losers” you smirked and said to me. i locked you in my memories that day, you were no longer a person but an apocalyptic ironical flower that had suddenly grown on the abandoned barren land my body was.

viii- you were no longer a person but a feeling.

ix- I have always felt rage over something I never could monitor. As a child, I feel I was trying so hard to never feel so...I tried my best to monitor it. But, I never could find why it existed and now I think that rage made a rebel outta me.

x- sanity is envying, jealousy is my sanity cause that’s the only way I can make my rage press me and make me make a rued dragged plunge.

xi- i wanna roam in dorms those were madhouses just to see how they showed their rage. Did they break something or did they have 100 torn pages thrown behind their bed.. did they have cuts on their arms, did they’ve crooked teeth and did they have rubber chests and glass eyes? Were they our sort of people?

xii- “i think if you go through every conversation you’ve with people, you’ll see your expressiveness shows personifications of madhouses”

you said this at 2:48 am one night and i embraced it as a compliment.

xiii- winters had suddenly passed, I could see the cherry blossom trees from the window of my room now.

I started feeling a lot uneasiness suddenly and reached out for your hand. Suddenly, you refused to hold it.

You’d dropped my hand suddenly. My rage became placid and all I could ask was “why.”

You looked at me not in betrayal nor regret, nor in anger. You looked at me like you always did, being self contained.

You held my hand suddenly, and then suddenly I’d realised, I’d fallen in love with the cracks through which loneliness crept in, this was no longer a curse but a blessing disguised as a tempting curse.

I was now scared to sit and watch what it shall become, so much so that now my lifeless frame had become a part of me.

you were too soft, my rage was too shrill...your softness was shrill enough to name my rage.

I stood on the ledge again, I stood as if this was the end. i wanted to leave you, i wanted to get out...this rage was frustrating and the thing we’d was now a magnificent curse. I guess we needed chaos not comfort for our rage to jump back in to make us function. I got all the chaos by telling myself to never love again and you got chaos by telling yourself to become the paradox my poetry screamed. And in every line I wrote, their was pain aligning to us. I opened my eyes, saw myself in the mirror and cursed myself. My rage and anxiety were curses, some tempting ones.

#writing #blogging

[coloursofaparadox]

Okay I gotta talk about shit for a second because it’s been driving me insane to not be discussing this with anyone purely in the way of the whole ‘validation of existence only because we exist to others’ bullshit but w/e here we go

It’s been a couple weeks now and I’m a lot more clearheaded. A lot of things suck and a fairly decent amount of things are much better, which coincidentally happens to be one of the things that sucks. Realizing how shitty it was for a long time came fairly quickly, because that was literally all I could think about at the time? If it was terrible and it was over then that meant a terrible thing was over and that was a good thing. That got me through until the day they packed up and took their shit and moved out back to another fucking province. Few days after that too. But being in self-perpetuated denial does not help me whatsoever in the long run and eventually I had to slowly try to come to terms with what the past 3 and a half years actually was, good and bad altogether.

So I’ve been doing that. For about 2 and a half weeks now. Trying to think about it clearly while finally being in a position where it’s too late for that to have any repercussions. There’s a lot of stuff I knew, and I knew I knew, but didn’t want to think about too hard. I took shit like that into account when I did things like ‘temporarily’ break up weeks before the breaking down a door like a fuckin horror movie thing went down, but what I’m trying to figure out is how much of what I thought I knew has been me tricking myself into not seeing something for the sake of the three of us. It’s fucking sucked. Forcing myself to acknowledge times that were actually legitimately good has been fucking hard when all I do is make myself sad, and realizing I was right about putting in years of onesided effort and emotional energy that I’m never getting back has felt like I’m waking up after sleeping through some very valuable years of my life haggard and grey and I’m never getting them back.

The conclusion I’ve come to so far is. not much honestly. But what I have realized is how fucking stupid I’ve been!! The easiest bit to sort through has never been the abstract. It’s always the comparison, in this case the direct comparison between two very different people, and I am a fucking fool. I cannot believe I never let myself see it when we were all together, but I do not know for the life of me why I was so scared to see how fucking incredible she was. And this isn’t a case of post-mortem romanticization. We fit, SO much better. Looking back there was no comparison. Literally just shit like basic communication, or conversation and clicking. If we actually put the fucking effort in and at some point along the way decided to stop being scared of each other and playing it safe with the easy option (him), then I don’t know what would’ve happened. I wish I could say I knew for sure but I don’t, and there is a WORLD of incredible potential that I’ll now never fucking know. She is far too good for him. It’s been a force of will not to demonize the past 3 odd years I’ve been with him, and I will never say there wasn’t good about him, but it’s good on top of a foundation of insecurity and denial and someone who never grew up and refuses to see how it harms the people around him. He’s going to keep hurting people and dragging his way through life at an infants pace until he wakes up. And she does not deserve to be one of those people.

Realizing I’ve been devoting myself to someone I thought I had finally, after years found a kindred spirit in and being slapped in the face with the reality that I’d deluded myself has been. Not great. To say the least. It feels a lot like betrayal with a stab of burning shame and existential despair lmfao but yknow. I am not someone who makes real friends easily. I’m not praising that about myself though. Sometimes I wish I could not think about all the things that get in the way of liking people uninhibited because p much everyone else fucking doesn’t and they’re doing just fine apparently. But for me to find someone I really enjoy talking to and trust and actually prefer their companionship to loneliness does not happen often, and I am absolute shit at being lonely. I can still count on one hand the number of people I’ve found in my entire 22 years of life, and while obviously they’re not all romantic connections it still fucking hurts to lose even one of those. The very shitty Venn diagram of the general populace, people I like, people I love and trust, and people I love, trust, and somehow am also in love with is comically disproportionate and transphobia and social anxiety are not on my side for adding to the latter more than once in a blue moon. My plans for the future involve a lot of blank nothingness and stubborn refusal not to date anyone until I’m financially stable and CAN comfortably be completely single without a looming sense of dread and desperation to not be achingly lonely, which are probably not in any danger of being called into question by the appearance of a wildcard I swoon over given my fucking chances.

It would’ve been so easy to sink into a spiral of cynicism and turn on the whole world over him and I definitely did for a while, but I’m not as young as I was 5 years ago. As much as it hurts my pride and my limited (now crumbling) experience of romantic love to admit, I fucked up and I picked wrong. It’s by no means my only goal in life but. it would just. be kinda nice to know if it’s actually possible for me to find someone(s) that. are. good? and. are the kind of love that you see sometimes. not the stupid movie shit but just. people that work with each other, in multiple senses of the word. I got a fucking taste of it and now I can’t even tell if it was real or not and it’s killing me thinking about it. I want it so bad. I don’t want it for free, I want to work for it and towards it and find someone I want to work towards it with. This is not me freeloading and romanticizing some perfect ideal relationship, this is me just. wanting. people. I love doing little things for people to make them happy I love helping and giving and seeing people smile because of it and I love. just. being happy. and other people being happy. I love being genuine and I fucking would do anything for the heady experience of knowing someone else and someone else knowing you thoroughly and completely. and just existing, like that, and making eachother happy while you live your lives. There’s probably some fancy obscure word out there to describe all that but I don’t fucking know I just want. To love someone. It’s not a compulsion I won’t make shit choices just to find the wrong person to throw affection at but despite all my bullshit I genuinely. love. people. more abstractly as a whole but intensely as individuals. and i already miss it. 

i have no fucking idea where this is going any more I just have a lot of thoughts that don’t have very much ‘a good addition to a conversation’ vibe going on and like mentioned at great fucking length im generally starved for human connection okay i feed on it like a black hole lmfao. im. more myself lately though. I’ve been missing the bit of me that connects to people as a mass i think. I’m not going to say i’m happier but part of something that has always defined me as an entity of fuckin brainwaves is just doing stuff for people. not really for any reason but barring social anxiety getting in the way ive always done stuff like offered to help or go out on a limb and ask if someone’s okay or little shit like get someone the drink they always get bc they weren’t around to ask and i haven’t been more or more in the last 3 years. I’m doing it now though. I’ve missed it. A big unhealthy chunk of that relationship was we were all so immersed in cynicism and sarcasm and ‘ironic’ morbidity that just being genuinely happy and optimistic was not encouraged nearly enough. and now that im free of that i feel a lot more like me and i’m very glad to know that hasn’t gone anywhere n ill be very sure to foster that part of myself a lot more in the future

i need to go to fucking bed. tldr im happier but lonely and i loved the wrong person and im quietly losing faith that real romantic love actually exists for me at all but yknow whatever. gnight.

[energyswordsunday]

@grumblehugs 

yeah ive basically told all my managers in detail on many occasions that im autistic and its p plainly obvious that i have anxiety problems bc ive broken down crying from stress on several occasions and one 0f my poor managers has had to deal with that from me on like. 2 or 3 separate occasions

i stress easily over little things and ive been getting better at learning how to let certain things roll off of me (like rude customers dont phase me anymore) but i feel Awful and like an Irredeemable Human Being thats Inconveniencing Everyone bc of hyperempathy if I decide I need to go home or I can’t come in or if I’m late due to circumstances that aren’t even my fault.

today was just, not a fun day, because for some reason i always experience a huge spike in anxiety after going to therapy. smth related to feeling like i didn’t do good enough at talking about what i needed to talk about and that i was rambling abt shit that wasnt important or helping me. like today in specific i intended to discuss medication but i got anxious and chickened out and ended up rambling about my dissociative bs instead...

so i was already put on edge from that, and i had wayyyy too much free time before my shift. i got hit by loneliness and i regretted not skipping the shopping and just going home to chill w my gf for a bit.

gf ended up messaging me saying mom wanted her to go up by herself to watch the cat and i absolutely lost my shit. i completely lost any ability to power through discomfort and anxiety and i had to choke back sobs as i was on the phone with my manager, feeling guilty as hell for needing to call in but knowing i would not be in any condition to work like that after being. triggered. on accident but still badly enough that nothing would fix it but me going home and clinging to my gf.

so i’ve been struggling with that guilt all day. as if its my fault for my own mental illnesses... like i can control them or something... and ive made a point to always help out at the store and do my best where i can so i guess they understand and dont mind helping me out like that but i still feel awful asking for those kinds of favors in return. its just. idk.

i dont like calling in. im deathly afraid of using up “too much time” and being fired even though they like me. and i’ve only had to call in once. it still scares me though even though i knew i wouldnt have been able to work like that. not even when i was scheduled to work my fav department.

mental illness fucking sucks @--@ 

[fifidunks]

hi fifi. i'm so incredibly lonely. and 3 days ago I got my heart broken so bad. what should I do to ease this pain? i see no perspectives in my life and ive been feeling this way for the last 5 years or so. thank you

you’ve funny timing angel. under the force of Saturn, relegated to my bedroom for lack of FUNds, I just started writing personal stuff again. waking up with words on my fingertips… their goal seems to be to cast a s-p-e-l-l that’ll set me & all my girls free. so we can stop taking things so personally. this morning:

All my life, or since puberty at least, it’s been easy for me to see that others were alive and hard for me to feel it except in extremes. I’ve sought to exist with regards to others by feeling seen, by getting hurt, and by loving like it’s a service. This lead to crisis.Most of the women in my life seem to be afflicted with something similar. We’ve anxiety disorders. Suffer depressions. Bipolar swings. And furies. We’ve anger and overcompensatory vanity and intellection. High-achievers, my girls are public successes, even famed. But I’ve seen them in their living rooms, gauntly yellow, telling me if they didn’t perform as they do, they’d kill themselves, and that anyway, they’re convinced they’re dying or will soon, which is probably true, if they think it. Becoming real friends with real women changed my life. It was maybe the first step to becoming real which I hope to soon. I want to take their pain away. I will eat it like I do my feelings, slathered in nut butter. And I will shit it in the form of writing. Everything I write is shit; why do I think this? 

That was something like a riff on this diary entry, from dec 23/16 (sorry sleepy you’re getting copy/pastes):

from ~puberty until recently (i’m 29), i experienced Life like gravity that is under low to high tenor anxiety with bouts of low to deep depression, blue moons of depersonalization, and breathtaking reprieves of manic joy, lust, hunger, anger, inspiration, illusion, freedom, n fun, usually facilitated by drugs, especially that most potent one - love. i thought this was “normal” not that i wanted to be normal - in fact, my wanting to be + have more more ______ is largely responsible it seems for the anxiety depression mania etc. only now do i get - oh wait - u can live day in n out in blissful simple stable renewable energy generous blessed okay so so so okay with being OK just dust laughing awestruck responsible plus bigger orgasms. never too late to remember how to be. love, fifips this was here all along ofcpps respect we may lose it again truthfully it’s very likelyppps bliss has a lot to do w/ accepting lack it seems, while anxiety/depression/addiction - addiction - is filling that void which can’t be

So after that day, as if to check my hubris, Life brought me Drama & I “lost” It again. he he.

Then last night my something like a boyfriend who I avoid when I’m not Real cause how could he love something that’s not Real? called me “not to judge but…” (I’ve been unreal more than less since Dec 24.) he ended up reading me this letter by Rilke, which his dad had shared with him, and which he prefaced with “it’s common—maybe you’ve heard it.” I hadn’t. I’ll share it with you now, as for some reason I’m assuming you’re a woman, and those lines made me cry, and even if woman’s not how you identify, it’s all good, and this is really what I want to get to, that loneliness is so good dude, first step to solitude (read it out loud): 

…you should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to move out of it. This very wish, if you use it calmly and prudently and like a tool, will help you spread out your solitude over a great distance. Most people have (with the help of conventions) turned their solutions toward what is easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must trust in what is difficult; everything alive trusts in it, everything in Nature grows and defends itself any way it can and is spontaneously itself, tries to be itself at all costs and against all opposition. We know little, but that we must trust in what is difficult is a certainty that will never abandon us; it is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be one more reason for us to do it. It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered around their solitary, anxious, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. But learning-time is always a long, secluded time ahead and far on into life, is—; solitude, a heightened and deepened kind of aloneness for the person who loves. Loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering, and uniting with another person (for what would a union be of two people who are unclarified, unfinished, and still incoherent—?), it is a high inducement for the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world in himself for the sake of another person; it is a great, demanding claim on him, something that chooses him and calls him to vast distances. Only in this sense, as the task of working on themselves (“to hearken and to hammer day and night”), may young people use the love that is given to them. Merging and surrendering and every kind of communion is not for them (who must still, for a long, long time, save and gather themselves); it is the ultimate, is perhaps that for which human lives are as yet barely large enough. But this is what young people are so often and so disastrously wrong in doing they (who by their very nature are impatient) fling themselves at each other when love takes hold of them, they scatter themselves, just as they are, in all their messiness, disorder, bewilderment… : And what can happen then?  What can life do with this heap of half-broken things that they call their communion and that they would like to call their happiness, if that were possible, and their future? And so each of them loses himself for the sake of the other person, and loses the other, and many others who still wanted to come. And loses the vast distances and possibilities, gives up the approaching and fleeing of gentle, prescient Things in exchange for an unfruitful confusion, out of which nothing more can come; nothing but a bit of disgust, disappointment, and poverty, and the escape into one of the many conventions that have been put up in great numbers like public shelters on this most dangerous road. No area of human experience is so extensively provided with conventions as this one is: there are live-preservers of the most varied invention, boats and water wings; society has been able to create refuges of very sort, for since it preferred to take love-life as an amusement, it also had to give it an easy form, cheap, safe, and sure, as public amusements are. It is true that many young people who love falsely, i.e., simply surrendering themselves and giving up their solitude (the average person will of course always go on doing that — ), feel oppressed by their failure and want to make the situation they have landed in livable and fruitful in their own, personal way —. For their nature tells them that the questions of love, even more than everything else that is important, cannot be resolved publicly and according to this or that agreement; that they are questions, intimate questions from one human being to another, which in any case require a new, special, wholly personal answer —. But how can they, who have already flung themselves together and can no longer tell whose outlines are whose, who thus no longer possess anything of their own, how can they find a way out of themselves, out of the depths of their already buried solitude? They act out of mutual helplessness, and then if, with the best of intentions, they try to escape the conventions that is approaching them (marriage, for example), they fall into the clutches of some less obvious but just as deadly conventional solution. For then everything around them is — convention. Wherever people act out of a prematurely fused, muddy communion, every action is conventional: every relation that such confusion leads to has its own convention, however unusual (i.e., in the ordinary sense immoral) it may be; even separating would be a conventional step, an impersonal, accidental decision without strength and without fruit. Whoever looks seriously will find that neither for death, which is difficult, nor for difficult love has any clarification, any solution, any hint of a path been perceived; and for both these tasks, which we carry wrapped up and hand on without opening, there is not general, agreed-upon rule that can be discovered. But in the same measure in which we begin to test life as individuals, these great Things will come to meet us, the individuals, with greater intimacy. The claims that the difficult work of love makes upon our development are greater than life, and we, as beginners, are not equal to them. But if we nevertheless endure and take this love upon us as burden and apprenticeship, instead of losing ourselves in the whole easy and frivolous game behind which people have hidden from the solemnity of their being, — then a small advance and a lightening will perhaps be perceptible to those who come long after us. That would be much. We are only just now beginning to consider the relation of one individual to a second individual objectively and without prejudice, and our attempts to live such relationships have no model before them. And yet in the changes that time has brought about there are already many things that can help our timid novitiate. [This was where I started to bawl.] The girl and the woman, in their new, individual unfolding, will only in passing be imitators of male behavior and misbehavior and repeaters of male professions. After the uncertainty of such transitions, it will become obvious that women were going through the abundance and variation of those (often ridiculous) disguises just so that they could purify their own essential nature and wash out the deforming influences of the other sex. Women, in whom life lingers and dwells more immediately, more fruitfully, and more confidently, must surely have become riper and more human in their depths than light, easygoing man, who is not pulled down beneath the surface of life by the weight of any bodily fruit and who, arrogant and hasty, undervalues what he thinks he loves. This humanity of woman, carried in her womb through all her suffering and humiliation, will come to light when she has stripped off the conventions of mere femaleness in the transformations of her outward status, and those men who do not yet feel it approaching will be astonished by it. Someday (and even now, especially in the countries of northern Europe, trustworthy signs are already speaking and shining), someday there will be girls and women whose name will no longer mean the mere opposite of the male, but something in itself, something that makes one think not of any complement and limit, but only life and reality: the female human being. This advance (at first very much against the will of the outdistanced men) will transform the love experience, which is now filled with error, will change it from the ground up, and reshape it into a relationship that is meant to be between one human being and another, no longer one that flows from man to woman. And this more human love (which will fulfill itself with infinite consideration and gentleness, and kindness and clarity in binding and releasing) will resemble what we are now preparing painfully and with great struggle: the love that consists in this: the two solitudes protect and border and greet each other. And one more thing: Don’t think that the great love which was once granted to you, when you were a boy, has been lost; how can you know whether vast and generous wishes didn’t ripen in you at that time, and purposes by which you are still living today? I believe that that love remains strong and intense in your memory because it was your first deep aloneness and the first inner work that you did on your life. — All good wished to you, dear Mr. Kappus! Yours, Rainer Maria Rilke

MoreYou can always email. fad.duncan@gmail.com. I’d prefer it. I fear publicity aka the Internet lately. Words Are Not Safe Here. 

[raccoon-island]

I feel like I dont know the people I follow very well, so I guess I'll tell you about myself so you guys can know me.

My name is Juno. As of now, I'm 17 and I'm a Sagittarius living in America. I use they/them and she/her pronouns and I am pansexual. I've got a twin sister and an older brother, and a nephew who is about to turn two.

My favorite flavor of ice cream is oreo and cookie dough. I listen to pretty much all music, but I dont like rap and country too much.

I go to college for half of the day for a nursing degree. Im in my school's National Honor's Society and I play the trumpet.

I have an addiction to mint flavored things because they help my anxiety. My favorite flavors are mint and lemon. I like sour and savory things and I dont like sweets that much because I get sick off of them easily. I also hate grape and cherry flavored things, but I like grapes and cherries.

I really enjoy cooking and I love trying new recipes and cooking for others. My sister asks me to cook her crepes when we stay up late. She calls them "Juno's famous 3am crepes". Music is also a passion of mine. I think cooking and music are things that can really improve someone's quality of life.

My favorite Disney movies are Princess and the Frog, Wall-E, and Onward, and I can and will watch those over and over again. However, my favorite genre is horror and the Saw franchise is my beloved, as well as Babadook and It. I listen to true crime for fun as well.

My favorite games are Night in the Woods, Stardew Valley, SpiritFarer, and Sally Face. Ive never beaten the Enderdragon on a survival minecraft game. I enjoy horror games, but I get spooked easily by them.

I've been to Mexico and Jamaica, and I'm going to Mexico again in a month. I speak some Spanish (it does take me some time to form sentences and figure them out) and can read it relatively well.

Ive got a loving partner who is my world and my universe. I plan to move in with them after I finish college, or after high school if they move to my state.

I enjoy indie things (film, animation, games, music, etc) more because they were made out of passion rather than in a search for money, and you can tell they were made with passion.

My greatest fears are falling (not heights, but falling from them), loneliness, and not meeting expectations.

I used to have a reoccurring dream where my sister and I were trapped in a car that drove itself until we were stopped by police. During a moment where I realized I was dreaming, I started trying to drive the car myself. I eventually was able to drive the car back home. Since then, I haven't had that dream ever again. Its probably a euphemism for something, but idk what it would be.

I also used to have dreams that predicted the future, usually the next day or so. They occurred more often when I was younger. I havent had those dreams in a while. I havent dreamed much at all actually since I was a freshman. Now on the rare occasions I do dream, they usually involve me murdering someone (on purpose or accidental) and they are almost always nightmares that cause me to wake up crying or panicking.

And lastly, I have a habit of opening my eyes, sitting up, talking, etc in my sleep when I am absolutely exhausted the night before. My sister tells me about when I do this. She told me I once sat up, opened my eyes, read her the time (which I said a completely wrong time btw), said "I have to get up in 2 hours", and laid back down. Now my family has to ask me cognitive questions to make sure I am actually awake. Usually they just ask me what time it is because its foolproof.

I encourage other creators to rb and post fun facts about themselves. Nothing incriminating or personal of course.

[lilliansucks]

What do you think contributes to your unhappiness lately? And what are ways that you find happiness? Lately I’ve had bad anxiety and panic attacks due to the issues of the world and uncertainty of it all...

im feeling a lot better recently actually and the key, as anticipated, was distraction/purpose/being busy. I need a lot to keep me occupied which is why I like traveling so much, there's always a challenge, or something that needs doing or booking or fixing or exploring and that's where I thrive. obviously this year I have ended a near 7 year relationship, left cph, moved out by myself and then covid happened so it was always going to be a hard year of change. I struggled a lot with loneliness and listlessness and yeah in these moments I would be completely overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety, it was crippling and isolating. the uncertainty of everything definitely hasn't helped, im used to planning lots and being excited for things and right now ive got none of those avenues... but yeah things are looking up, ive managed to fill my days with some pretty great stuff, Im running a successful business and the world is looking a little brighter in general. 

[bear-woopsgetbooped]

Long emotional ramble

I dont want to sound over emotional right now but i feel like i need to pour me heart out for a second: games were a lifeline for me. They were friends who provided for me for a while. And i dont want to sound like some over the top geek but honestly my relationship with myself and self esteem was only ever touched upon and improved by the games I played growing up with.

Video games are a sanctuary.

Don't get this statement confused between me saying games themselves being sanctuaries and game communities being sanctuaries. Highly different. To me, the gaming community is a much different topic and, while it is a fun corner of my life I wouldn't call most of it - especially some game fandoms - my own personal sanctuary.

I always was interested with games, I remember my first DS, browser games and watching my brothers on the Xbox. I remember having a Wii, and then getting into PC gaming. I remember for a long time video games was a sit and watch activity, i didnt play unless it was on a roadtrip or a party, but i do remember when i left my friends behind during a move halfway across the world. I was alone, and the only friend i had was nintendogs, mariokart and very early minecraft videos back when the game first came out barely launched. I played sims during the period of waiting for my first semester in my new school to begin. Portal, tf2 and minecraft were like my only friends for the first year. And even when i made friends i didnt really click, i didnt really enjoy the same stuff as them. I remember getting left out and eating lunch alone. I would go home and play minecraft for an hour or play twilight princess on my Wii. I remember when i first played bioshock- my brother sneaked me the game cus i was still younger, and while it scared me I was intrigued by the world around me. And i didnt feel like going to school the next day was as scary.

The first few friends i felt truly comfortable with I met through my love of minecraft- its why it was such an integral piece of my childhood. For the first time in my life i was going home and i tried multiplayer with people from school, and i was having fun. When i first lost a few friends when we first grew up minecraft felt sad, but it had such good memories and i ended up making new friends along the way. All through middle school games gave me time off and gave me sanctuary in the promise of fun and heroism.

I remember very strongly my long term months of heavy counselling and very difficult anxiety and depression. My friends who I was makin great strides were great but I just felt lost. But games gave me something to express with and my friends could connect over our mutual bond over something. I remember mario party being the highlight of the year. And when my friends couldnt come over? Skyrim was there to entertain and distract me after a day of loneliness.

Im near school graduation now. video games have taken less of a hold on me as Im being busy with school and shit but sitting down with a switch and booting up links awakening was the most therapeutic activity. Its just been super tough and tiring lately And i do love my friends but recently ive been finding it difficult to talk and connect with them. Sensory stuff has been much and in general I've just been stressed and anxious. My personal body issues have definitely morphed into something more shameful and I am scared to admit how low I feel about myself nowadays. But Tonight i had bought the new game, sat on my couch (half sick with a blanket) and booted the game and at that moment in time i felt so entirely different, i felt in control and exhilarated.

I dont believe one should get caught up in games. It shouldn't be your whole life nor take up all your time and replace your meaningful real life responbilities nd relationships, but i do feel there is power in video games - whether it is the power to connect, to immerse or to interact it doesnt matter. While it might not be a case all the time video games can be a sanctuary.

[imtiredofthis1-blog]

10:01

it’s not late but not early.. i stay up i read i indulge in my growth and inward acceptance.. it’s weird for me to be here.. alone i’ve been lonely all my life and i’ve been through solitude before.. and these all coerrelate and mean or rather the seem like synonyms but are not.. for me solitude is enjoying being a lone and being fine.. loneliness is what a person feels a negative verb or description like i could be sitting in a group and sill feel lonely.. then alone well alone is just by oneself..

so yeah i’m pretty out.. it’s a never ending battle with myself of letting go.. and i want to i need to.. but my idealbofblove has me so dumbfounded.. and blind..

at times i cherish and resonate nostalgia.. moments we had.. situations we glorified or felt.. the negatives the positives.. it’s incredible.. and i hope my first impression of my life hasn’t destroyed your pure idea of me.. i sit here and this what i mean we are destructive we can be mean we can be petty we can be negative but these are just psssing moments.. these are small details because in the heart st the base of love of true love not only the idea of love between a person tobperson but love in itself it never wished for burden or sadness on the other.. so i mean this is me but mybpure beihg is gorgeous.. like you..

so i’ll sit here more read and analyze myself grow and continue to find some form of happiness or listen to music and fog my idea of it.. i’m really scared valerie not of this passing feeling but.. ofblife..

ive been suicidal since i was young.. say 11 .. and i’m not alone the world has a feeling as well.. life is weird everything is weird..

i use to get existential anxiety.. and after the acid in december i’ve kind of just gone with the flow or rather i understand the life and i find people on twitter that explain interesting concepts and growth and it helps helps me learn and move from such a prideful pedestal ..

i believe i should start doing massaging and become a masseuse and reading into chakras again.. maybe i’ll go to thst store again and put a book aside.. i love reading and i thank you for that for creating this moment and letting me find myself again the me that loves to read.. the me thst loves to feel.. for making me alive.. i love you for that.. and i really am thankful..

i always tell you im here because i really am i cvsnt pick you up but i can pay for your uber if you need help.. it’s weird i’m like a metaphorical or distant but real life guardian angel.. not a spirit but a being.. and there’s more beside you like your family esp your father as we love you.. but i don’t wanna get into this lol

oh yeah i’m sorry for using emojis and creating a dissociative communication .. i’m petty and im childish for these acts..

it feels okay to let go to come forth and to validate my disaster.. and not to make it okay but to embrace the truth..

but yeah i’m here for you.. communication support love pretty much anything you did enoughfor me you did plenty you saved me..

i believe girls are angels and there is succubus out there but i feel a girl is rooted for love and eventually there will be taint and this creates the succubus i speak of.. it’s beautiful and it’s sad to see these beings alive ..

lol i’m out weirdo ..

i don’t know sometimes i dream about you.. you’ve been coming into me again.. and it’s rather unhealthy .. but i enjoy.. i just really don’t know what you sound like and i can relate tot hat as i specified earlier.. idk what’s going on what’s coming forth..

i just need to embrace my self and move grow and forget this forgive this place..

its definetly hard as i’m a pure loving person when i’m not in a shell..

sometimes i feel you don’t believe the change or difference and that’s okay but keep in mind this my assumption.. but i just see you being like bullshitzz or who knows i wonder if you even indulge in these difficult blogs..

mare they nonsense ? toyou

are they unnecessary??

no i will honestly say that this helps me helps me channel such energy.. i become a whithering plant when i think of you notbin a negative way i just become dry as i pour.. i’ve even had moments i’ve wanted to break at work.. and this is new to me..

msybe im to deep in this because i revolve around children.. and you embraced children.. or maybe i’m here because i care about you.. or maybe i’m here because i’m sad..

what is it aberham.. why do you feel this way..

mis my idea of love..

do i miss your touch..

the tone of your voice..

your intellect..

or

were you a reflection of me thst i loved ..

now this gets confusing..

but

is it because i see myself in you from intellect charm heart and beauty.. is this why i am attached.. what’s my reason hearts..

anyways i’m gonna go read another chapter then go to sleep or maybe i’ll come bsck i mean i know i’ll wake up around 2-8 am out the blue..

but yeah my mom asks about you.. and i just tell everyone i fucked up.. and that’s it i don’t like being detail oriented about my destruction i just wanna admit and be honest..

it sucks as it brings reminisce

but a gloomy one..

xo 1/27 10:26