letstraveloutofdarknesstoge-blog

[letstraveloutofdarknesstoge-blog]

Hello. May need a trigger warning!

I thought my first post should be an introductory post and a bit of my story if you like. Im Amber 🙋 im 22, live in stoke. Started college so i can go to uni because im a late bloomer who didnt know what she wanted to do with her life. And since highschool people have known me as Ambasaurus Rex....(there is a story behind that but i wont bore you too much) I suffer from mental health some days are worse than others. But i plod on. So here it is, my rollercoaster ride so far.   It started when i was younger. Much younger. I never understood my emotions at that age and didnt really know how to cope with them. It all got too much to handle. I used to spend each day forcing a fake smile upon myself. Hoping noone would see through it and start to quiz me about what was wrong. So i put on a show for them. So many people said i was a 'happy, bubbly individual' which i so wanted to be but they had no idea what i felt on the inside. I felt like i had this big bundle of darkness consuming me deep down inside. It hasnt been the easiest of journeys but it is my journey. There was one person who saw through it all and was there for me. Talked me into going to the doctors, so i toddled off, tried to explain everything i was feeling but i remember getting hot and flustered and i anything i said didnt make sense. I eventually got pescribed anti-depressents to help me get by. But i gave up. I gave up with myself. I gave up with help. I gave up with medication. I gave up with the therapy. Right at this point i had wrapped myself in some caccoon and noone was getting me out. I had finished fighting this demon i held. And so i was at my lowest and i started to self-harm quite alot. Suicide attempts? A few. Id covered it up for so long. And my mum finally noticed (the one day i was too hot to wear a long sleeved top) and sat down with me and asked me questions. I admit i was a mess. Her Love and support helped. She helped me take a first step to the righ direction and took me to the doctors. I tried CBT and stayed on my tablets for a while. People ask why i self harmed but i cant put it to words other than 'it was a release' which it was. It was a release of all the feelings i had inside, the pain, anger, weakness, frustration, sadness and loneliness i felt. I kept telling myself i was worthless and alone and i believed it. I still feel like sh*t on the bottom of someones shoe. I am still recovering from depression. Right now my anxiety gets the better of me. I still manage to find myself back at square one all over again. I havent gone back to therapy, i have changed medication 3 times.  Will soon be a 4th a think. And i have just started college for the 3rd time. I missed the first day because i panicked when i couldnt find a parking space and i dont like socialising at the best of times. The idea of meeting new people sends me into a nervous breakdown. But it wasnt too bad. Ive met a lovely girl which has put me at ease. I think if we hadnt interacted i would be one of those loner kids whos always sat with there head in a book because they dont like people. I want to be there for people with mental health issues! You do not have to fight it alone. I will listen and offer advice the best i can. But please do remember that some days i may not make sense as im still suffering myself so bare with me.