#ive had a rough fucking week

[rockingthegraveyard]

Save me Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time save me

[witch-of-many-names]

Y'all ever get like. Gently grounded by who you work with

Context being I've been doing a lot of witching and also fucking around and finding out in research and shit and I wanna continue on the research front but like Asmodeus has been insisting I take a break and due to both understanding and the terms of an arrangement we have in place I'm just gonna sit my ass down for rest but I'm still frustrated about it because I don't like suddenly needing to be idle while I'm on a roll but I also know that if someone else didn't gently but firmly tuck me into bed figuratively speaking I can and will end up way overdoing it

[gibbearish]

am finally back home and can say without a doubt that i am just fundamentally not built for long distance travel however the train was much nicer than planes

[ozlices]

v personally & candidly speaking i rly wish how much depression can fuck w a person's ability to keep up w their personal hygiene was discussed more & w more empathy/sympathy attached.

during depression spikes my ability to keep up my personal hygiene is the first thing to go & it sucks. i Feel gross & i can't do anything abt it bc my executive dysfunction keeps me chained down in a dirt covered chokehold. sometimes for over a week.

& it's also v difficult to combat bc my disabilities make showers rly rly draining for me. like ik once i shower im down for the rest of the day, so that just adds to it as well.

i have numerous alternatives i TRY to do when im stuck in that layer of hell for awhile, but sometimes they take even more mental energy than just simply forcing myself to shower & if i could do that i wouldn't be needing to consider the alternatives in the first place

idk i just. like. it sucks feeling fucking disgusting bc u physically cannot bring urself to take care of urself & it's completely out of ur hands & knowing ur also probably judged for it u know

[the-kipsabian]

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[crvstybowlofcereal]

this is a really specific vent(?) post. im processing things by putting them in words. its not serious, feel free to ignore me lol

i just want to say that a couple years ago when i was in the beginning stages of researching autism (and would soon realize i am most likely autistic) i was in a relationship. and communication in a relationship is So Very important to me. I would constantly ask how he was (obviously it was more specific to whatever situation was going on) and he would always say he was fine. If I had even the Slightest hint that he wasn't actually Fine (like 19 times out of 20) i would continue asking if he was sure and if he wanted to talk, and he continued to say he was fine. half the time i assumed he meant it and i read the situation wrong, the other half of the time i assumed he didn't want to talk about it.

he ended up breaking up with me because i

"didn't pick up on some things"

"what kind of things?" i asked

"idk, just, things."

and he had been talking to my friend (U) about our relationship, and telling her that i wasn't picking up on things. she got mad at me and we had a "fight" for a short time, she thought i was being a bad partner, and her sister (M) (who is toxic and possessive) felt like i wasn't spending enough time with her, so she complained about it to their mom, who got mad at U for it for some reason? so U also brought all that up, telling me M felt left out. (i wasn't leaving M out of anything, i was sitting with my partner at lunch half of the time, she was welcome to join, but didnt, looking back i think M has RSD and maybe i should have been more direct when moving to a new location to explicitly invite her) (U was also not in school at the time due to covid, so its not like i was spending more time with her over M, which is something M would get so upset about if she perceived it to be that way [she was incredibly possessive of me as a friend and the extent of it made me feel like an object tbh])

U never brought up the issues my partner talked about, because that's how we are, we don't make it known someone was venting to us, to respect their privacy, but it fueled her emotions during our "argument" so i really only heard her being mad at me for not including M, (which i later learned is because M's emotions were made to be her problem when they shouldn't have, this has been a running problem so it wasnt that surprising to learn) so i started spending more time with M, but it was school, and i had work, so schedules only allowed so much time, and any time I was with M (lunch and one class) was when i was also with my partner, but i had other classes with him so i assumed it was fine, but he started drifting away (also around a time i attempted to communicate something important about our relationship, which ended up making him uncomfortable, but he didn't say anything about it until we had a conversation after breaking up)

i was stuck in a place where i felt like no one around me communicated how they felt and still expected me to understand them and do what they wanted me to do

U and i recently reflected on this and realized my ex was a shitty communicator (he and his next partner also broke up because he didn't say how he felt and expected them [also most likely autistic] to... just kinda know ig?) and that she should have gotten my side of the story (she had no idea i was frequently checking on him and trying to get him to talk to me)

and that she wasnt actually upset at me about M, she was upset that people were making it her problem, and she was especially upset during this reflection to learn that M was not being left out at all, she was just doing That Thing again where she wanted me to be Her friend and Only Her friend.

U AND I ARE NOT MAD AT EACH OTHER FOR ANY OF THIS, I WAS NEVER MAD AT U AND U WAS ONLY MAD ABOUT HER PERCEPTION OF THE SITUATION, AND ONLY FOR A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME, EVERYTHING IS FINE

so basically i went like a year and a half thinking that people were rightfully mad at me and i was too self absorbed to pay attention to other peoples' emotions and i started learning how to read people again (clearly my body language research from middle school wasn't cutting it anymore) only for me to realize i just need people to be a little more direct that allistic people typically are, and those specific people were just being dogshit at communicating, (even for allistic people, relative to my needs)

anyways highschool post-covid was Really Fucking Weird and socially stressful for me

TL;DR reflecting on my communication needs not only not being met, but being far undershot for even a "normal" persons needs and how i was convinced I was the problem because of circumstances

[treypug]

💊

[barefootbaltimore]

I just watched Bisans video about why anyone celebrating Christmas should be ashamed of themselves.

And she has every right to say that and she's right. We should be.

I think of how happy I was to put up my tree this year, I got a real tree for the first time and it brings me so much joy to see it. I wonder of I have the right to that small joy each day. How dare I?

But then I think to myself that this time of year, these stupid decorations and traditions exist for so many reasons not the least of which is a reminder that the long nights will end. Almost every holiday celebrated around this time is about the same thing when you strip away the fluff. It's about light in the darkness. The candles will burn, the sun will rise, the star will lead us to the savior. Its all people being in the cold and the dark and reminding themselves that it will end.

And I wonder if maybe some of us do need that this year more than others. There are people for whom this winter is going to be worse than I can even fathom and my dumb issues pale in comparison but is wallowing in my own misery helping them? I don't think so. Maybe it's stupid for a dying Douglas fir draped in lights to bring me joy but fuck something has to? Right?

How do you find joy in a world like this? How do you justify happiness when a genocide is happening? When multiple genocides are happening?

I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. Because me collapsing under the weight of the world certainly doesn't help anyone.

I know I've done things in the past few months that I will have to answer for one day, even if it's just to myself. I know I haven't given as much as I could or gone to as many protests as I could. I know that when my grandchildren ask me about this time I will have to look them in their eyes and say "I had to go to work." and they will be right to judge me.

This post has lost the plot. It's starting to sound like I'm asking for absolution for buying a fucking Christmas tree during a genocide but I'm not. I can reckon with my own conscious. I'm the one who saw all of those dead children and then went to sing Jingle Bells with the perfectly safe and privileged children of the families I work for. Maybe I'll forgive myself one day.

Merry fucking Christmas I guess

[lumpsbumpsandwhumps]

I WANT THE G/T OCS PLEASE..........

UUUHHHHH

Future dystopian cyberpunk vibe...giant cyborg-esque officers working to guard corrupt city...one officer being even more corrupt and getting attached to a repeating human offender...always letting him go in exchange for something more and more intimate much to their embarrassment...refusing to let some silly little revolution keep him from playing with his pet, even if it means squashing the rebellion right in front of them to make an example....

[ilostyou]

lallaaalalala just some things on my mind

[do-rey-me]

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[orcelito]

If I have even one more day of debilitating headache that knocks me out for the rest of the day before my followup appointment next week, I might request a lower dosage or something. I don't fucking know. The headaches were getting better but today I got hit with it again and there's little more frustrating than your skull feeling like it's going to split for barely any reason and you can't even fucking fall asleep to fix it. I've been lying here for two hours trying to rest my fucking head bc I'm trying to avoid taking ibuprofen as much as possible (due to Unidentified Liver Problem) but it looks like I'm going to have to take it again bc my head won't stop Fucking Hurting.

Can't sleep it off. Even ibuprofen hasn't always helped. I fucking Hate It.

[catfishofoldin99colours]

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Bad.

[acorndarlin]

Made breakfast for my partner before he goes to work and im paying for it with my hips and knees

[thebuttsmcgee]

so. um. 👉👈

hi guysies.

Ig I should just say like. Hi

I haven't been posting here as much cause. Idk. Might be depression? I keep thinking its cause I've been so busy, which also wouldn't be not untrue, but these past, like, 3 weeks I think so far? I've had some free time but I haven't cause. I dunno, then again, I haven't been doing too much in general? I gues, besides very mandatory things, hell I've even been lacking in my regular skyrim hours of playing.

That, and as said, I get super melancholic when I remember just how sad and bittersweet it is that t0h is. Actually legit over. The show and experience, that is.

Oh all that and also becuz my headphones broke! Fuck! That's like number 2 in my bare necessities for when I post, do almost anything really! It's seriously been painful this past month going without headphones holy shit. Dude I've been scratching at the bit for some relief for headphones, I NEED music legitimately. Even right now, as I'm typing this on my phone, my music is on low levels.

But yerp. Its been. Rough. Really rough. I really do appreciate yall, everyone of yall. Have a sweet week everyone, ✌️!

[phagodyke]

I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.