#ive gotten to work with so many amazing people and i may get to work with even more if i get the idw job
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i love when im minding my own business and then im hit with the extreme intense love for drawing sonic with the force of a train
#idk man im normal......#i just think about how grateful i am to be able to draw sonic and bring joy not only to myself but to others as well#i owe my life to sonic at this point lol. he pays my bills!!!#and hes given me so many opportunities i never would have had otherwise..man jon gray's seen my art. and he went insane over it#ive gotten to work with so many amazing people and i may get to work with even more if i get the idw job#i just feel so fucking blessed and lucky bc of sonic. idk. i dont take this shit for granted ever#sonic's been there for me since 2003 and hes never left my interest pool. he just got more prominent#and the absolute Joy i feel when i draw sonic stuff is just. unmatched honestly. it hits different#im not sure how to articulate how im feeling but i hope my love and enthusiasm and passion is coming across lol. i love sonic a lot
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HI ANY TIPS ON BEING THE NEW KID AT A NEW SCHOOL
GENERALLY GETTING ANXIETY ATTACKS LOL
ALSO I LOVE YR BLOG SMM
đđ Ę Ë Doll tips! ; Being the New Kid!! đâïž
Tip #1 ; Taking a Breath now speaking from experience being the new kid at school is very nerve racking ik ive done it so many times and just sitting back and just breathing snd relaxing can definitely help just calm you down!!
Tip #2 ; Making a Good Impression!! now for this one i not saying you have to be the most outgoing person ever bc it can be overwhelming especially if you have social anxiety or you just have trouble with interacting!! but definitely being as polite as possible can definitely help you in the long run!!! âïž
Tip #3 ; Donât be afraid to introduce yourself
now since you are new to the school you may or may not have to introduce yourself and ik how nerve racking this can be but doing a simple âHi! Iâm _â is really good if you donât wish to speak then a simple smile and wave is also just as good!!!
Tip #4 ; Recruiting Friends!!
if you wanna be friends with a particular person try going up to them and saying hi to them also helping people with something is a way to get to know a person or having desk/table mates is like a gold mine for making friends with people !!!
Tip #5 ; Not Everyone is a nice person
if you can tell someone is a mean person stay away from them have little to no contact with this person its will save you all the energy and time because people like this can be extremely draining trust ik that!
Tip #6 ; Be nice but donât be a pushover
obviously being nice is ESSENTIAL but never let someone cross your boundaries or disrespect you call them out on it donât make a huge scene obviously but definitely let them know that youâre setting a boundary and if they cross again then cut this person off because obviously they donât respect your boundaries!!
Tip #7 ; Donât be a Bystander!!
if you see someone getting bullied say something about it,defend them or just ask them if theyâre okay being a bystander to the problem makes you part of the problem as well!!!
Tip #8 ; Donât let others bring you down
again with making boundaries never let someone cross you or make snarky remarks call them out on it and remember this person words obviously donât matter what other people say doesnât define you
Tip #9 ; Join a Club!!
joining a club can be an amazing way to make friends while also doing something you enjoy and over all its just an amazing activity!!
Tip #10 ; Donât overshare!!!
unless you genuinely trust a person donât overshare because people switch up and anything you say can and will be used against you!
Tip #11 ; Have Main Character mindset
even if you have zero confidence fake it till you make it!! walk with good posture and some pep in ur step!!đ
Tip #12 ; If u have a group assignment donât do all the work
omg i canât stress this enough only do your part if someone is failing to do their part donât do it for them let them fail thats their own fault
Tip #13 ; Being popular isnât everything!
social hierarchy in high school or middle school (idk what grade ur in im sorry!!) is so bleak okay being popular isnât everything i mean sure by some chance youâll be popular but still you donât HAVE to fit in because ur made to stand out
Tip #14 ; Channel ur inner Elle Woods & Cher Horowitz
* apply ur self in ur academics
* if you need help ask its not a bad thing to need help!!
* Make an Organizer to stay in top of ur work!!
* STUDY!! STUDY!! STUDY!!
* if you have an assignment with a rubric read it carefully to ensure you can get the highest grade possible!!
* if you unhappy with your grade or feel like you shouldâve gotten a better one ask your teacher to review!!!
* wear cute clothes and style ur hair neatly not to for the lookism esque obviously but looking ur best and feeling your best are definitely good ways to feel better!!! đâïž
* have a âwhat? like its hard?â mindset
* Donât Judge!!
* Pursue ur dreams!!
* Donât be afraid of a challenge
* Be yourself!!
Tip #15 ; Donât Leave people out!!!
say ur in a group setting and you see one particular person being left out and not getting their chance to speak make them feel welcome ask them about what they were gonna say and include them into the conversation!!!
Tip #16 ; Eat what makes you happy and donât yuck someones yum
if someone has a cultural dish for their lunch DONâT EVER make them feel bad about it donât care what it is that loser behavior! also eat the kind of food that makes you feel good inside and that nourishes your body i definitely suggest packing a lunch the night before!!!
Tip #17 ; Donât hang around Slackers!!
be friends with people that actually apply themselves in their academic and working for what they want!!!
I love you anon i hope you do AMAZING at ur new school!!! đâïž
#the advice column with dolly đâïž#it girl#wonyoungism#self care#self improvement#self love#elle woods#cher horowitz#dream girl#pink pilates princess#dollygirl#dolly#2sweet2eatđđ§#girl blog aesthetic#girl blogging
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Ive recently just started doing art, and i apologize in advance if you've gotten this question before frequently, do you have any tips for beginner artists and how did you find your art style? I'm constantly amazed by how you do anatomy and expressions, their so distinct and expressive!
Thank you!
And I actually don't get asked a lot of questions about myself when it comes to art. Many come to this account so I can put my OCs on the phone for questions, so this is lowkey a new question. I might have been asked it before years ago but I am better at drawing now.
HOWEVER, I have to state that I am simply a hobbyist artist and not a freelancer or professional so my tips will be kinda off brand compared to their word. ANYWAYS...
THINGS THAT I FIND HELPFUL FOR ARTING (besides practicing because I mean...we all know the only way to get better is to practice so it'd be kinda redundant say it - we all know to do it)
Practice drawing in pen. Pen can't be erased. So instead of sketching and erasing and sketching and erasing, it is nonstop sketching. It helped me a lot with speeding up my sketching, even in digital, because I got used to making little goofy mistakes. It also helps to fight perfectionism
Use references. I know that's just as redundant as saying to practice but references are genuinely underrated. Whether they be colors or poses - references are your friend. I use them whenever I am having a hard time drawing something.
Redraw things. I occasionally redraw memes or scenes from animated movies with my OCs. It's stranger really helpful, especially if there is a certain expression in the original image because it lets you play around with how to draw it to catch the correct vibes. PLUS redrawing funny stuff helps take the stress off creating art because it reminds you not every drawing has to be amazing.
Don't neglect your body when you draw. STOP DRAWING WHEN YOU ARE HUNGRY, THIRSTY, OR NEED THE BATHROOM! THE DRAWING CAN WAIT - YOU WILL HAVE A MUCH EASIER TIME CREATING ART WHEN YOU ARE NOT SUFFERING FROM THE HUMAN CONDITION.
Stretch your hands. Drawing puts strain on them and your fingers will ache and your hand may get stiff. Practically hand and finger stretches keeps your hands happy. I do them all the time just because I use my hands a lot for art AND my day job.
Numbers are the devil and the algorithm is a warlord. If you post your art online, it's easy to get into the mindset that you aren't good enough because you have low interactions on your work. THIS IS FALSE - NUMBERS DO NOT EQUAL QUALITY. It's better to draw for yourself and the enjoyment of art rather than drawing to attract a fanbase and attention
As for how I figured out my art style, what you all see is the result of me taking bits and pieces from things I like and blending it all together. An art style is really just figuring out what stuff you like from other people's styles and doing your own thing with it.
To break down some of my own style, the way I shade the underside of noses is something I got from Soul Eater since I loved how the anime marked noses with little dots.
The way I draw lips was a journey. I used to only line the top lip like how the manga for D Gray Man would. Then I saw how Steven Universe stylized fuller lips and sort of started playing with that. Over the course of me exploring - I found more online black artists and learned from how they shade and render lips.
Style is very much something that takes a long time to develop. I've been active online since 2011 and it took me until this year to finally figure out a style I really vibe with.
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hey this is the shy anon from the other day that read through your ao3 and i just wanted to stop in and say to take your time and donât let these anons get to you. i know youâve been writing on your ao3 for a while now but your tumblr is literally brand new and iâm honestly at a loss for words that youâre already getting rude anons and people pressuring you to post more.
you seem like a really busy gal and iâd hate for demands like that to burn you out. youâre doing amazing and donât let anybody be an asshole to you. post what you want when you want/can, iâve seen far too many people give up on fandom because they feel like they have to constantly churn out content to the detriment of their creativity and passion. youâre so talented and based on the frequency with which youâve been writing in the last few months it seems like you have a fire in your soul for haikyuu. i hate seeing it taken for granted and i just wanted to let you know you have support in doing whatever the fuck it is you want.
(feel no obligation to reply to this, just wanted to offer some support after seeing such atrocious fandom etiquette literal days into the life of this blog)
wow, i really dont know what to say--
i saw this as soon as you sent it in, but i was honestly super shocked that id gotten it, so ive just been sitting here thinking ab it.
it means probably more than you realize that you sent something so kind. i've been writing for a long long time now (both here on a different blog and on ao3), and it's true that i am very busy, because unfortunately being a phd student and running experiments and spending all my time running back and forth between my advisors and conferences and the lab means i have a schedule thats not really a schedule, and i can never really say when or what im going to be inspired enough to write, enough that i can pull myself out of daily burnout. i experience writing droughts often, sometimes lasting up to a year before i feel the urge to sit down with a doc again. and i have a LOT of half-written fics that have never seen the light of day, which i plan to get back to eventually but which, in reality, may never get finished.
ive gotten so much love and support over the years, and it's brought me back to writing every time. i love haikyuu with my soul, and i think about my fics almost every day because i feel a burning need to write them. if not for anyone else, then just for me.
but this blog is brand new, so, even though that anon i received definitely tops the list of unfriendly comments ive gotten over the many years of writing, i wanted to be as kind and accommodating as possible. because i dont want people to think im ungrateful and will ignore criticism, because no one likes those kinds of writers. but i am also a person, and writing is hard, so i think i will continue to do things my way.
my writing style is this, for anyone who'd like to know: i am erratic, and i dont have an upload schedule, because i cant realistically manage one. i have periods of inactivity, because life is hard, and i have periods of hyperactivity, because i love this fandom and the way that haikyuu makes me feel in a life that's full of terrible feelings. this may annoy some people, and i can understand that. but i cant force myself to write if im not in a place to write, and i cant force myself to stick to one fic at a time, because then it'll be clear that it's been forced.
im extremely annoying and unhinged and feral and i will talk about several different fics and smaus and text threads and headcanons all within the same breath. but i will always write what i love, so if you'd like to see work that is well-loved, feel free to stick around.
thank you very much to everyone whos been so kind in my inbox tonight, and i hope to see you all tomorrow <3
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heyy!!! Im a writer of 7 years, i write on wattpad and my most popular book got around 3.7-4 million reads (havenât checked in a while). I saw that you were open to tips for writing and such. After reading a couple of your writing pieces, ive concluded that you have a creative mind and good thoughts, as well as great writing, just not executed to your full potential.
First tip i can offer you is to not rush. Your readers and followers arenât going anywhere, take your time with the writing. And if you ever get bored, tired or get a writers block, what helps me is 1, going on TikTok and watching TikTokâs related to my story, 2, take a break. Taking a break is the best thing ever, wether its a nap, getting something to drink, anything counts as a break. And remember that quality>>quantity. I would rather read 1 lengthy ff that is of amazing quality and made with passion rather than 15 that were made in 15 minutes.
Second tip i could give you is reading. I cannot stress this enough, but read, read, read ! It has many benefits such as exposing you to new genres & ideas, expanding your vocabulary, inspiring you and maybe even change your perspective about certain things. I would recommend reading those of high-quality and maybe more real physical books. And take your time reading the books, donât rush through descriptive paragraphs or pages with no dialogue.
And last tip for now (lmk if you want more) is to learn from writers. Iâve seen many accounts on tumblr that help A LOT with descriptions, scenery, and sometimes very specific situations. My two favourites are âdumplingsjinsonâ and âwriters-potionâ. Learning from other writers teaches you more about the rights and wrongs of writing and overall improves your writing quality.
i hope this finds u well<3
Firstly, thank you for your tips! I have been writing for 5 years myself and I have a few slightly popular pieces of writing as well.
While I do appreciate your tips, these are all things I already do. While my writing may not be "executed to their fullest potential" to you, I'm still just a young person who enjoys writing for fun. Writing helps better my vocabulary and it also helps me to get good grades when writing essays.
While I may not be the best author on the internet or in the ff world, I am happy for the people who enjoy my works and I am proud of myself for how much better I've gotten in the past five years.
I write to satisfy myself, so with everything I've written (one shots and scenarios) I do in fact take my time and I don't rush.
Thank you for your words though! âż
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Dear Diary.
After working so many hours in the past few weeks, Iâve a moment to catch up.
I work at a store where it is absolutely amazing that the store remains open. People donât follow the rules and literally run amok as employees, is mid boggling to me.
Some people actually steal shit. In the world of retail, if you open and consume a product before purchasing it then thatâs considered stealing. I donât give a flying fuck on a rolling doughnut that you can eventually pay for it, you did willingly with afore thought consumed said item and NOW YOUâRE GOING TO PAY FOR IT AFTER ITS GONE??!!
Then I had to fire three people. One was notorious for being a No Call No Show and then in a group text admitted that he was drunk and he had allegedly gone to hospital for an IV treatment for allegedly having alcohol poisoning.
Then thereâs the problem child. He admits that he has been homeless for allegedly six years now. How his family abandoned him and kicked him out. I understand that heâs angry at the world but itâs also sad and obvious that heâs refusing to take responsibility and ownership for his actions.
I can speak to this. In the late 1970âs, 1978-1980, I was homeless because I was a junkie and I was actively using. A few people helped me but I eventually fucked it up due to my own personal reasons and I wanted to make it clear that I was there and that led me down a darker path. I ruined my own life and I also ruined their lives by telling their parents or whomever that I was a part of the problem. It didnât matter what their families thought of them but I was just going to eradicate them. I poisoned them and myself no matter the consequences.
One example, a phone call. âMrs. Blank, ever since your son, Blank, has been coming here to do this thing, heâs been having affairs with men and Iâve been one of them. I also know that he may have gotten some girl, Blank, pregnant since she told me she had an abortion.â
Then thereâs my poison pen letters. Iâd write them all down and go into excruciating detail about what I did wrong and how their child was in this situation. Donât believe me? Then ask these people (names and numbers) who are in their lives. Some are friends and some are at the university.
I own my shit. I also know that I donât flush Haagen Dazs French Vanilla. I donât sleep on a bed of rose petals. I snore. I also have fits of rhinotillexomania when driving. I also have had a bout of flatulence at inappropriate times.
However the aforementioned problem child is playing the angry game of how he was wronged and the entire world is out to get him. When I went to the police station, I told them that I was sitting at home plotting to destroy his life even though I had only met a few weeks prior.
He rolled up on me on his scooter (everyone knows the sound it makes) and started hurling insults at me because that person hadnât been fired even though they were selling drugs, involved in robbing the cradle (sheâs in 50s and her boyfriend is 27) and stealing from the job. He called me retarded and I was a fucking faggot. He spewed a few more choice words and insults at me and then proceeded to leave.
I then promptly took to my narrow behind to the police and asked for a no trespass warrant. I added, Iâm 64 years old and with out and about I do fear for my life.
Then after that, it went pretty much straight downhill from there and there I was at the job crying in front of customers.
Up to that point in time, I had been thinking I was doing a good job by being the acting manager (Meryl Streep acting manager) and with a few exceptions I had been working diligently and really hard on getting things done. It fell apart. As usual I eventually got it together and went through the remainder of the day. It had gotten ugly via text messages because no one was answering me. Some time later, I had gotten a text message from someone who knew I was going away to Palm Springs, if I was going to change my tickets and stick around to get it done.
FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER!! I PAID FOR THESE TICKETS BACK IN EARLY AUGUST AND I AM GOING TO FUCKING PALM SPRINGS YOU FECKLESS CUNT!!!
As I am writing this, Iâm in the desert about a mile away from the actual town of Palm Springs but Iâm here and theyâre all flailing about.
The sun is shining. The wind is blowing. Itâs currently 75 degrees. Iâm now going to finish my coffee and have a cigarette and then Iâm heading into the pool.
#dear diary#no your not the only one#i wrote this for me#inside my mind#my words#ramblings#my writing#pity party#bipolar depression#lgbtq#feckless people#its not fair#suck it up buttercup#ownership#responsibility
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Blue Christmas- Eleven (Healing)
Pairing: Chris Evans/OC Kelly
Summary: After almost three years of marriage, everyone would tell you that Chris and his wife Kelly are the most stable, solid couple they know. But behind closed doors, things are tense as they keep trying for a baby, to no avail. When a secret threatens to shake their solid marriage to itâs core, will they be able to pick up the pieces?
I do not consent to have my content, whether it be this story or anything else of my creation, posted by a third party on any other platform other than right here without my permission. This blog is 18+ and is not intended for minors. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Heed the warnings. This is a work of FICTION. I do not claim to know Chris Evans, his family, friends, or anyone on his team personally.
Warnings for this chapter: Heavy, heavy angst. Language. Mentions of adultery. Mentions of miscarriage. Pregnancy. Allusions to abortion but nothing is stated outright.
This beast is clocking in at just over 6.7k words. Probably the single longest chapter I've ever written. The tag list for this story was getting out of control, and more than half the people on it had no interaction with the story at all, so I discontinued it. I'm tagging my nearest and dearest though. I may, MAY, create a google form for a new tag list. We'll see.
January 8th (Six days post accident)
The pain meds they give people in the hospital following surgery pack a wallop, especially when given through an IV. They make me have crazy dreams, turn my attention span paper thin, and have the added bonus of turning my brain/mouth filter virtually non-existent.
Iâm trying to pay attention to the conversation that Chris is trying to have with me. I really am. To be fair, he knew when he got here an hour ago that I had just gotten another dose.Â
âWhat about this one?â
 Chris turns the iPad towards me so I can see yet another picture and resumeâ of a home health nurse. It was an idea that he was originally against, but both Lisa and Andi, my main nurse, had both suggested that maybe having someone come in for a few hours a day a couple times a week would be a good thing. As much as he wants to do everything he possibly can for you, he also knows heâs only one person. After not hearing a response, and thinking maybe I had dozed off into a narcotic induced nap, he looks up to see me using my good hand to fiddle with the end of the braid that the nurse had put my hair into earlier after the shower that Iâd finally been allowed to have after days of bed baths.Â
Showers used to be glorious things. Water turned up to near scalding levels, music playing loud with me singing loudly (and badly) along, and nice shampoo and shower gel that smells amazing. This was not that. This was an entire process that took nearly an hour, starting with my casted leg and equally casted arm being wrapped in waterproof plastic and ending with me in tears because washing long hair takes two functional hands, and I only had one. Thereâs zero dignity in having another person give you a shower when youâre a grown woman whoâs been showering and bathing by herself for many years now without issue. The nurse had been amazingly sweet and sympathetic and helped me with whatever I couldnât do on my own (which was a lot), but the whole experience just left me feeling useless and depressed.Â
 A soft touch to my hand brings me back to the present.Â
âWhereâd you go?â he asks softly.Â
âMy hair smells weird.âÂ
He leans forward a bit so he can get a whiff of my hair. âIt smells okay to me.âÂ
âItâs not the same. Itâs weird, clinical hospital shampoo. It doesnât smell good like mine.â I lament. âI couldnât even wash my own hair today. Itâs too long, and I couldnât do it with one hand. I canât even-â
My voice starts to waver and I look down at my arm thatâs laying useless in a sling across my chest. Even my fingers are so swollen and bruised that I couldnât even put my rings on if I tried. My ring finger, which hasnât been naked since Chris slipped my engagement ring on it some four and a half years ago, feels very bare and just wrong. Everything about the accident and my injuries keeps hitting me in different ways.Â
I look over at Chris and then down at the iPad that heâs still holding. âHire whoever you want. I honestly donât care, and itâs not like I have any choice in the matter.â
He sighs softly, knowing that this conversation was never going to go over well. He knows that I know that Iâm going to need as much help as I can get when I finally get released to go home, but he also knows that being as stubborn and self sufficient as I am, my worst nightmare is having someone have to help me do something as simple as get out of fucking bed.Â
âThis is the one thing thatâs happened lately that you do get to choose. I want to get someone that youâre going to like and be comfortable with. I canât imagine what this is like for you right now, and Iâm just trying to make life as easy as it can get when youâre home.â
âI donât know if Iâm going to like someone from a goddamn resumeâ. As long as they can do the job without fucking me up more than I already am, great.â My back is starting to ache because of the position that Iâm laying in, and when I go to slide further up the bed, Iâm rewarded with a searing pain in my stomach from the movement pulling at my still healing splenectomy incisions.Â
âFuck, honey-â
I fall back on the pillows, irritated as hell and over this damn conversation, and the words fly out of my mouth before I can even think about stopping them.Â
âJust pick someone! Maybe youâll get lucky and youâll get another girl whoâs going to fall for the irresistible Chris Evans charm, who has no moral compass and no compunction about sleeping with married men. Then you can throw a shot into her too.â
I watch as his face falls, his hand pulling back from where itâs been resting on my arm and a lump the size of a golf ball forms in my throat. I didnât mean to say that. I might as well just be wearing a name tag that says Hi, Iâm: Here To Make Things Worse. I cover my mouth with my hand and glance up towards the ceiling, trying to blink the tears away before they can fully form.Â
âIâmâŠ..Iâm sorry. I didnât meanâŠ.â I start, but the words donât want to come out.Â
âItâs okay.â he tries to assure me.Â
âNo, itâs not.â I look down at the fluffy blue blanket that Chris brought me from home and I play with the slightly frayed edge, ashamed and unable to look at the broken look on his face. âThis is a bad idea.âÂ
He pops a shoulder. âCould always hire a male nurse.â he says, raising his eyebrow.Â
I let out a small snort, knowing he said it to try and lighten the mood, but all I can feel right now is trepidation at the thought of coming home with Chris to recover and him taking the brunt of all of my frustrations and emotional eruptions.Â
He turns the iPad off and puts it on the side table and I watch as he stands up and grabs his jacket off the back of the chair, and my eyes widen.
âDonât leave. Please, I-â I sputter out, trying to push down my panic.Â
âIâm not. Iâm just going to run down and get a coffee and check in with Shanna and see how Dodgerâs doing. Are you getting hungry? You want me to grab you something?âÂ
I squint, trying to remember the dinner options on the meal sheet they give me every day and which one I might have picked.Â
âUhhhhhâŠ.no. Iâll be okay. They should be bringing whatever I picked out soon anyway. Iâll live.âÂ
âOkay. Text me if you change your mind. Iâll be back. No more than half an hour, I promise.â he says, resting his palm on the top of my head gently.Â
---------------------
When Chris gets back twenty or so minutes later, Iâm honestly sort of surprised he came back instead of just going home and getting away from my emotional, broken ass for a while. And even more surprised that his mom is with him, since I didnât know she was planning on coming by today.Â
When they walk in, Iâm sitting in one of the chairs in the room with my leg propped up, poking at a dish of red jello with a spoon.Â
âWhat are you doing out of bed?â Chris asks, surprised.Â
âI had to pee after you left, and being in bed was making my back hurt, so I asked if they could just park me here for a while. Thereâs not a ton of options when all you can really do is sit, soâŠIâll be ready to get back in bed in a while.âÂ
Lisa starts towards me and I push the wheeled table away from me slightly so she can bend down and give me a hug, which I return with a strength that takes her by surprise a little bit. Knowing how hard the last few days (hell, weeks for that matter) have been and the fact that your mom isnât around, she just had a feeling today that you could probably use a big dose of love that only a mama can provide, which is why she decided to pop by and surprise both you and Chris.Â
She tilts my cheek to the side gently as she examines my face. âYour bruises are looking better.âÂ
âMmm. Still hurts. Airbags will save your life, but youâre going to feel like you went twelve rounds with Mike Tyson after they go off in your face.â
âSo, Chris and I were talking downstairs, and I had an idea.â I swallow my mouthful of jello and look towards Chris, really hoping that he didnât tell her about what I said. He shakes his head almost imperceptibly and the anxiety in my gut loosens up a bit.Â
âWhat would you think about me coming to stay with you guys for a bit when you got home?âÂ
âChris, tell me you didnât ask your mom to come home with us to be my babysitter.â I groan. Lisa snorts slightly. âHe didnât ask. Iâm offering. I know youâre not crazy about someone you donât know being in your house andâŠ.â she searches for the right words âhelping you. And it wouldnât be for too long; just until you guys get yourselves situated at home and get into a routine with things. Itâs just to make the transition a little smoother.â she assures me.Â
I look over at Chris and he shrugs, gesturing to me. âThis is your call.âÂ
I sigh, looking over at my mother in law, who I adore more than anyone in the world. âIâm not great to be around lately. Iâm still not convinced that coming home after this is the right thing to do, and Iâm afraid itâs really just going to make things worse. I donât want you both to have to deal with my psychotic mood swings.â
âSweetheart, if your mood was completely stable after everything thatâs happened, Iâd be terrified. Youâre hurt, and you canât do the things that everyone else takes for granted without help, and everyone knows how frustrating that is. I know youâre angry and sad and frustrated. And thatâs okay. Weâre-â she gestures between herself and her eldest son âmade of tough stuff. Well, Iâm tougher than him. We all know heâs a big baby who cries at the drop of a Hallmark movie.â I sputter out a laugh while wiping my eyes.Â
âWe all love you, and weâre all here for you no matter what.â
January 17th (Fifteen days post accident)
âThey would release you on the coldest day of the year.â Chris says as he makes a final sweep around the hospital room that Iâve called home for the last two weeks.Â
I huff out a small laugh. âLetâs just get the hell out of here before they come back here and tell me that theyâve decided to keep me for another week.â
âThey should be back any minute with your discharge papers, and then weâll go. The doc said he was going to call in your prescriptions to Walgreens, so hopefully theyâll be ready by the time we get there. Or I can get you home and settled in and run back out and grab them.âÂ
âWe can wait for them. Itâs too cold to be running back and forth.â
I look down at my âgoing homeâ outfit and canât help but feel completely ridiculous. A pair of pink flannel pajama pants with penguins on them (theyâre the only thing besides sweats that I can get up over the cast on my leg), a long sleeved white shirt, and one of Chrisâ hoodies thatâs zipped up over my sling, leaving just my good arm in the sleeve. They removed the stitches from my arm yesterday, but I havenât been able to bring myself to look at it. The compression bandage that Iâve been instructed to wear all the time (with the exception of showers) is a lot more comfortable than the layers of wrapping my arm was encased in, but still annoying. And it itches like the devil. My right foot is encased in fluffy socks and a shoe, and my left leg is of course still in a cast, a sock pulled down over my exposed toes so they donât freeze off when I go outside.Â
My eyes go to the small black wheelchair thatâs coming home with me and I squeeze my eyes shut. Because Iâve been instructed not to use my damaged arm for ANYTHING more strenuous than moving it gently to maneuver a shirt on and off, I canât use crutches.Â
Chris finishes packing up my backpack, and stops when he sees me staring vacantly at the wheelchair. He frowns, and walks over slowly, sitting on his heels in front of me.Â
âHey.â he murmurs softly, snapping me out of my reverie.Â
âHmm?â
âThis isnât going to be forever. They said the cast is going to come off hopefully in a couple of weeks, and then theyâre going to put you in a walking boot. At least then youâll be able to get up and move around. I know, I know how much you hate this. I do. But it is not forever.â
âI know.â I hate how small my voice is. âI hate how I have to think about every move I make. I canât reach for anything because I canât use my arm. I have to be careful when I stretch or it hurts my stomach. I have to cough or sneeze as soft as I can or else my ribs hurt. Itâs justâŠ.I feel like a prisoner in my own body right now.âÂ
âBut youâre going to get the chance to get stronger and recover.â I look up at him and our eyes meet, and I know weâre both thinking about the fact that the driver of the car that hit me died four days ago from his injuries sustained in the crash, and how that could have been me instead.Â
---------------------------
When the nurse comes in with my discharge papers and the litany of aftercare instructions, Chris takes them and heads downstairs with my stuff so he can bring the car around to the front entrance. The nurse helps me put my coat and hat on before helping me maneuver myself into the wheelchair and we head down to the first floor.Â
âYou excited youâre finally out of here?â she asks me with a smile.Â
âAnd nervous. It was kind of comforting knowing that even though I was stuck in here, if anything went wrong, I was in the right place.â
I see Chris pull up at the curb, and the nurse wheels me outside, and I gasp at the biting cold. Itâs the first time Iâve felt fresh air on my skin since the day of the accident, and although itâs beyond freezing, it still feels amazing to breathe it in. It isnât until I get situated in the passenger seat and weâre ready to drive home that the panic sets in.Â
âThe last time I was in a car I almost died.â
Chris takes his hands off the steering wheel and reaches over to hold my right hand.Â
âI know.â
âYou drive like an insane person.âÂ
Despite the seriousness of the conversation, he snorts, because he knows the amount of speeding tickets heâs accumulated since he started driving is ridiculous. But he also knows that since the accident, heâs been almost hyper aware of his speed and everything going on around him, when he usually just goes on autopilot when heâs driving, like anyone else who drives every day.Â
âI promise I wonât drive like an insane person with you in the car.âÂ
âDonât drive like an insane person ever. You canât control the way other idiots drive, but you can control how you do. I need you around.â
Those words make hope bloom in his chest.Â
âI promise.â
When we get home, relief washes over me. As promised, Chris drove very carefully and obeyed the speed limit, but I was still a nervous wreck the whole 25 minute drive. Plus, being scrunched in the roomy, but limited space of the passenger seat isnât very comfortable with my injuries. One the car is parked inside the garage and Chris has my door open, he realizes that he didnât really think this part through very well.Â
The furniture inside has been arranged and re-arranged about a dozen times in different configurations to accommodate the wheelchair in the house. He purchased a shower chair for me to make showers easier, he got cast wraps to keep the cast on my leg dry, he set up a perfect little nest with pillows and blankets on our sectional so Iâd be comfortable, with remotes and chargers and books, and even a little cooler within reach.Â
I notice the look on his face that he gets when heâs confused about something or trying to find a solution to a problem, and turn to him.Â
âYouâre trying to figure out how youâre going to get me in the house, arenât you?â
The sheepish, yet slightly guilty look on his face tells me Iâm right. âI have guys coming on Monday to put in a temporary ramp over the stairs in front. But I didnât think about today.â
Thereâs two steps to get from the garage into the house, and the wheelchair isnât going to make it up them.Â
âYouâre going to have to carry me in the house.â
âI was thinking that, but I donât want to hurt you. Youâre still really sore.â he says, gesturing to his chest and stomach.Â
âIâm pretty sure everything I do for a while is going to be somewhat painful, but I think this is our only option. Why donât you grab the wheelchair and bring it in, put Dodger in the bedroom until we get inside so he doesnât knock me down when he sees me, and then come back out and grab me?â
He exhales slowly. âOkay. Iâll be right back. JustâŠ..â he trails off, gesturing vaguely at me.Â
âTrust me, Iâm not going anywhere.âÂ
When Chris comes back out, he comes around to the passenger side and opens the door for me. I turn in the seat, angling myself as much as I can to make it easier for him to grab me and carry me inside. Iâm slightly nervous about how much this is going to hurt, but Iâm determined to not let it show.Â
âYou ready?âÂ
I take a deep breath and nod. He stoops down and slides his left arm around my back, while his right arm loops under my legs and he lifts me gently, my good arm going around his neck. Heâs carried me like this about a million times in the years that weâve been together, but for some reason, all I can think about is how he carried me (both of us slightly tipsy)Â like this up to our hotel room after our wedding reception, and me laughing and telling him not to drop me or else Iâd get our marriage annulled. I squeeze my eyes shut at the memory.Â
I open them back up when I feel Chris setting me down on the end of the sofa and helping me get comfortable.Â
âAre you okay? I didnât hurt you, did I?â he asks nervously.Â
âIâm okay. Can you just grab a couple pillows so I can put my leg up though?âÂ
He hits the button on the side of the couch for the foot rest to come up and slides a couple throw pillows under my leg.Â
âCan I get you anything? Are you hungry? Thirsty?âÂ
âIâm okay for right now. Can you go get Dodger though? I missed him like crazy.â
He smiles and goes to the bedroom to let the dog out, and a second later, I hear the sound of his nails clicking rapidly on the hardwood.Â
âHi, baby!â I exclaim, holding my arm out.Â
âDodge, be gentle, okay? Careful.â Chris warns.Â
Dodger jumps up on the couch next to me and immediately snuggles into my side. Luckily enough, heâs on my good side so I can give him pets and belly rubs.Â
âMomâs going to be over in a few hours. She said she wanted to give us a little bit of time to get settled in and such. Iâm gonna go and unpack our stuff and start some laundry. You have the remotes and your phone and charger nearbyâŠ.if you need anything, just yell. Or tell Dodger to come get me.âÂ
âI will. I think Iâm going to try and take a nap though, honestly. The trip home kind of took it out of me.â
âOkay.â He grabs a blanket from the back of the sofa and drapes it over me, dropping a kiss to my head before he leaves to go get started on unpacking our stuff. As he walks away, he stops to look back at me again, thinking to himself how it seems like itâs been a lifetime since the last time the both of us were in this house together, even though itâs only been about three weeks. As much as he wanted you back home, he never in a million years thought this would be how it happened.Â
January 25th (23 days post accident)
âGod, that feels nice.â I moan at the feeling of Chrisâ fingers in my hair, massaging the shampoo in.Â
âWhy do you think I always beg you to wash my hair?â he says, smirking. I catch his use of the present tense, and try and think about how long itâs been since the last shower we took together before the accident. Iâm damn near positive it was way different than the ones that have happened since Iâve been home, and probably ended in orgasms all around.Â
âThis is infinitely better than the showers in the hospital. The nurse who always used to do mine had long ass nails. Iâm pretty sure one of them is still embedded in my brain somewhere.âÂ
He laughs as he rinses my hair with the detachable shower head. After working conditioner through my hair and helping me scrub myself down and even shaving my right leg and under my arms for me, he steps out of the shower and wraps a towel around his waist before grabbing another one to dry me off. Iâm sitting on the toilet lid in my underwear while Chris smooths lotion on me, letting me do what I can reach with my good arm when I say his name softly.Â
âThank you.â I watch his eyebrow quirk up in confusion.Â
âWhat for?â
âThis. The- everything. When we got married, I bet you never imagined youâd have to help me shower and put on clean underwear and take me to go pee.â
He looks down as he continues to rub the lotion into my leg. âNo, but I donât think anyone goes in ever thinking about the worst case scenario where those things would ever come up. But thatâs part of the deal, right? For better or worse? That covers everything; not just the good stuff. You donât have to thank me. Itâs my job.âÂ
âYou could have just let my mom have her way and let them take me home.â I point out.Â
He scoffs and shakes his head.Â
âAbsolutely not. For one thing, you and your mom would have ended up killing each other. And for anotherâŠ..your head is giving you enough grief as it is right now, and being around her would have just made it worse. I couldnât do that to you.âÂ
I see Chris reach for my shirt and groan, knowing how much it hurts my arm to put a damn shirt on.Â
âHow bad does it look?â
âYour arm?âÂ
I nod slightly and he sighs. âItâs still really raw and red. Itâs going to fade, but itâs going to take some time. The doctor recommended some stuff thatâs supposed to help with scars. Make them less visible over time.âÂ
âCan I see it?â I ask.Â
âAre you sure?â he asks. I shrug a bit.Â
He picks me up off the toilet seat and walks us in front of the bathroom mirror and turns so I can see my arm. I suck in a shuddering breath and close my eyes. Itâs ugly. A roughly five inch or so vertical incision straight down my upper arm, red and raw and glaringly obvious. Even when itâs fully healed, itâs going to be ugly.Â
âIf you want, I can always talk to Josh. We can see if he can draw something up so you can cover it up once itâs fully healed.â
I nod as tears leak out of my eyes. Chris tilts my chin up. âItâs just a scar. It doesnât define you and itâs not the end of the world. It doesnât make you any less beautiful.â He pivots so my ass is sat on the bathroom vanity and once Iâm settled, he pulls the shirt over my head, being gentle with my arm, and then helps me into a clean pair of pajama pants.Â
âYou know, weâre actually getting kind of good at this.â he says as he carries me out of the bathroom and sets me down in our bed.Â
âI hate that thatâs something to brag about.â I tell him, rolling my eyes. âAlthough, I guess after doing the same thing day after day for a couple weeks, itâs to be expected. You donât look quite as terrified now as you did the first time we did this.âÂ
February 2nd (one month post accident)
âIâm sorry I didnât call soonerâŠ.I was in a pretty serious car accident a month ago and things have been a little hectic since then. I havenât been cleared by my doctor to fly yet, so thereâs no way we can make it out there. Mmmmhmmm. Yeah, the reservation is under Kelly Evans.âÂ
Chris walks into the kitchen and starts making himself a cup of coffee while Iâm on hold with the resort to cancel the Valentines Day reservations I had made back in November. I had a solid plan that I had cooked up with Meghan and his team so he wouldnât have anything scheduled for the three days I had booked at Post Ranch Inn, but then between finding out about the affair and the accident, my carefully made plan got blown straight to hell, leaving me feeling a little (lot) angry.Â
âOkay. Thank you again for all your help. Iâm sorry again for the late notice.âÂ
I end the call and toss my cell phone onto the island, irritation bubbling up inside me.Â
âWho was that?âÂ
âCanceling the reservation I made for us for Valentines Day at Post Ranch Inn. I made it before I found out about you fucking someone else. That kind of took the romance out of it a little bit. Well, that and the fact that my bodyâs still mostly useless.âÂ
My newly (as of two days ago) uncasted leg starts itching to high hell under the walking boot and compression sock I have on, and I start the process of unstrapping the boot one handed so I can enjoy scratching my leg to my heartâs content. I wish I could have gotten a picture of Chris and the doctorâs faces when my cast was finally cut off and a fork, two pens, and a plastic ruler came tumbling out of it, all lost in my attempt to wedge something down there to scratch the itch.Â
He sighs lightly and turns so his back is to the counter, giving me what Iâve coined his âkicked puppy look.â Most of the time, I feel guilty for whatever I said to make that look appear, but today Iâm just too agitated to care.Â
âDonât give me that look. You do it every single time I mention the fact that you had sex with someone else. You know what you did. You donât get to make that face and look like I just told you that Disneyland is closing down forever.â
He walks over to where Iâm sitting with a sigh, and reaches to help me with the straps on my boot. âCan we not fight? Please? I know that thereâs an ocean of stuff we have to work through, and I know none of this is easyâŠI just donât want to fight with you.âÂ
âJust stop. I can do it myself." I tell him, brushing his hand away softly. "You know, just because I still need you to help with most of my basic human functions doesnât mean that I necessarily like being around you all the time. Youâre my husband and for some God forsaken reason, even though you did what you did, I still love you, despite me calling you a cheating shitbag in my head at least once a day. So, just leave me alone for a little while, okay? I was really excited about having this trip happen, and it all got blown to hell in a really magnificent fashion, so let me just sit here and be pissed off and sad about it.âÂ
He holds his hands up and backs away. âOkay. I can do that. Just, we have your doctorâs appointment at 2, so let me know when you need me to come help you get ready.â I look up at him and nod, spinning my phone on the table. He starts to walk away, but then turns back towards me.Â
âYou know, when the accident happened and you were out of surgery, I kind of went into crisis mode. I called my team and canceled everything, because I knew that you were going to need someone to be there for you and help take care of you until you were stronger. And I know that you have a million people that are in our lives that would drop everything and do that for you, because youâre amazing and everyone loves you so much. The parade of people that have come and gone through here since youâve been home is proof of that. I kind of just took charge, because I didnât know what else to doâŠ.and I donât think I took the time to stop and ask myself if you even wanted it to be me, given everything that happened.â
âChrisâŠ.I did. I wouldnât have felt comfortable having anyone else do it.âÂ
He nods. âI know that itâs hard for you to be around me sometimes. I know that youâre still angry, and hurt and upset and you have every right to be. I know weâre a mess, but once things settle down a little bit, weâll get in to go see that therapist that Carly told me about, and weâll start working through it. That is, if you still want to.â
âI do.â
-------------------------
A few hours later, weâre sitting in the waiting room of my gynecologistâs office, and Chris is just staring around the room at the posters on the wall, and occasionally glancing at the couple of pregnant women that are in the waiting room with us.Â
âWhy did you need to see her?â he asks softly.Â
âIâm overdue for my annual exam, and since all I do lately is go to the doctor, I figured I should probably just get it out of the way.â Itâs a half truth. Well, â
truth. If the doctor was right about my hcG levels when I was in the hospital, Iâm about six weeks pregnant, and itâs probably time to get official confirmation in black and white. And if I am, Chris deserves to be there to hear it. But first, he needs to get something done himself.Â
The nurse comes by and hands us both a clipboard with paperwork on it, and Chrisâ eyebrows raise. âWhy do I get paperwork?â
The nurse clears her throat nervously and taps a section on the paperwork. STD test, with the works. She walks away to let us fill out the papers, and his eyes shoot to mine.Â
âI used a condom. I told you that. I'm not an idiot.â he says softly.
âI donât care. I need to see it for myself, for my own peace of mind.â
Heâs called back first, and with a nervous swallow and a look back at me, he follows the nurse. Iâm called back shortly after, and after blood work, urine test, and the internal exam, Chris is allowed back into the exam room to wait with me while the results come back.Â
âYou want to grab something to eat after this? You didnât have much for breakfast earlier.â he asks.Â
âUh, yeah, I-â Iâm interrupted by a knock on the door followed by Dr. Hartman coming back in. By the look on her face, I just know.Â
âCongratulations, you guys are pregnant.â
Chris is lucky that thereâs a chair right behind him, or he would have been in a world of pain when he landed. When I see him basically collapse into the chair, I get worried.Â
âMr. Evans, are you okay?â Dr. Hartman asks, reaching for his wrist to check his pulse. His face is a look of pure shock, like he canât begin to comprehend what he just heard.Â
âChris?â I ask, my own emotions threatening to spill out despite knowing this was coming. I instantly feel bad for not giving him a heads up that this was a very real chance. His eyes find mine and we just stare at each other.Â
âIâm okay. I just- itâs- are you sure?â he asks, his voice unsteady. The doctor steps away, seemingly convinced that a movie star isnât going to drop dead of shock in one of her exam rooms. âThe tests are extremely accurate, but Iâm going to go ahead and do a transvaginal ultrasound so we can take a look. If youâre far enough along, we should be able to hear the heartbeat.âÂ
Since Iâm still in the gown and havenât gotten dressed yet, I lay back on the table and assume the position again as she pulls the ultrasound machine towards her. Chris gets up on unsteady legs and stands next to me, still looking shell shocked.Â
âOkay, this is going to be a little uncomfortable. Just take a nice deep breath.â she warns. I do as she says, but I still make a face when the probe is inserted. Chris is torn between watching my face and wanting to see whatâs happening on the screen. Me, Iâm too afraid to look anywhere but his face. For as much trepidation as Iâm feeling over this pregnancy, Iâm overcome with the sudden fear that sheâs going to find the baby and thereâs not going to be a heartbeat, just like last time, and I honestly donât know if I can go through that twice.
âThere it is.â I hear from next to me. I watch as his eyes move from mine to the screen, seeing the tiny blob in the middle of my uterus with the little flicker in the middle. A heartbeat. I still canât bring myself to look though. Dr. Hartman, who was the one who told me that I had miscarried and performed my D&C, senses my fear, and quietly hits a button on the machine. The sound is almost overwhelming as it fills the room. I have a crazy thought that it almost sounds like clothes in the washer as itâs agitating. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. It's loud and fast and sounds strong. My eyes snap to the screen, and I immediately bring my hand to my mouth and burst into tears.Â
âFrom the size, it looks like youâre about six or seven weeks. Which is going to put the due date at aboutâŠ.â she stops to put some numbers into the computer. September 23rd, give or take.â
After printing off some pictures and leaving the room to let me get cleaned up and get dressed, we leave the office feeling a million different emotions. Weâre both quiet on the drive home, both lost in thought. How many times have we wished for this? How many negative pregnancy tests have we seen and tossed angrily into the trash, tears threatening to spill. How many times did we say âItâs okay. Itâll happen. I know it.â only for it to happen during the worst period in our marriage?Â
-------------------------------
When we get home, I slowly waddle into the house, still enjoying the feeling of being able to (somewhat) walk instead of being chained to that damn wheelchair. I make my way to the back door to let Dodger out, passing Lisa, whoâs watching both Chris and I with a curious, careful gaze.Â
I feel him behind me as I turn on the tap, filling a glass with water and downing it almost all in one gulp.Â
âHow are you feeling?â he asks softly. He can see my hand trembling slightly as I hold the glass, and he knows he has to tread lightly.Â
âIn general? Or about the fact that we found out Iâm pregnant in the middle of our personal shit storm?âÂ
âBoth.â I drop my head. Truth be told, Iâm exhausted. My arm is killing me, the nerve pain making burning pins and needles radiate over my whole arm. My leg is aching from being on it for an extended amount of time.Â
Iâve been trying to roll it over and around in my head for weeks. What to do if I really did have the shittiest luck in the world, and I did end up actually pregnant in this situation. I keep coming back to the bad joke that my brother made the night I found out about Chris about me not having to deal with all of this while I was pregnant.Â
âI donât know if I can do this.â My voice is soft, but he hears it like Iâm screaming it. âI donât know if I can have this baby. I donât know if my body can handle it, and I donât know if I can handle it emotionally.âÂ
The words punch through him like a hit from a prize fighter. He knows exactly when it happened; the night that you had come over to get a dress from your closet and we had ended up defling quite a few surfaces in the house. Thereâs a good chance that our baby was conceived on the dining room table.Â
âAre you talking about-â he canât even bring himself to say the words. He KNOWS this the worst timing for this to happen. He KNOWS that no matter what, itâs your choice. But the thought of not having this baby with you almost brings him to his knees.Â
My breath hitches. âChris, look at us. Take a good look at me, at my body. Iâm broken. Iâm still recovering. Iâd have to be monitored more closely to make sure that everything is okay. Because we donât know if it will be.â The thought of finally getting everything I wanted with my husband and then not having it makes my chest hurt.Â
âIâve wanted kids with you since the moment you told me you loved me for the first time, and that I was it for you. I knew that you were going to be the father of my kids one day. But now, with everything, I donât know if thatâs the case anymore.âÂ
The tears are burning my eyes, and I can feel the sobs starting to build in my throat, and I know if I donât get out of this room right now, Iâm going to lose it. Iâm pretty sure that Lisa heard at least part of our conversation, and I canât talk about it anymore without losing my mind. I set my glass in the sink and silently make my way upstairs, thinking that two of the worst conversations Iâve had in my life have come within months of each other and have both taken place in the kitchen that I loved. Now I can barely stand to be in it.Â
#blue christmas#chris evans fanfiction#chris evans#chris evans x wife#chris evans x kelly evans#pregnancy#angst#cheating#jenn writes
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Hello! Ik you've mentioned that you don't write for mcyt's anymore, but I still often come across your fics. And something I've repeatedly seen is you stating "you can just replace them in your head" after stating the pronouns. And it hurts honestly. As a trans person, to see you say that feels like you're trying to undermine mine, and others efforts. I particularly have a problem with when you say it for she/her pronouns, but that's just because I'm ftnb(female to non-binary) and she/her pronouns give me dysphoria. And you can just say "don't read my fics that use she/her pronouns" but you saying "you can just replace them in your head" is kind of saying, "you can read this you're just sensitive." But another thing is, for trans people especially, and cis people(not as much because while cis people can still experience some gender dysphoria it's definitely not as much as trans people), seeing the pronouns you used to go by, or what strangers assume you use, its like a stab to the chest every time, and I understand that for cis people it can be easy to ignore, and easy to change in your head, but that experience is very different for trans people, because we try so hard to change what we are perceivedïżŒ as.
A whole other point is, I use fanfiction as a sort of safe space, and I know many others do as well, and you know, seeing that, the phrase you use, devalues that for me, it's telling me that I am not valid in my own safe space, and idk if I'm alone in this, but idk.
You havenât done anything wrong, please don't misunderstand. Your work is amazing and I love the fics that I've read. I just wanted to kind of, bring this to your attention? Because you might just be unaware of it? Which is fine! And I don't blame you, I'm certainly don't know the entire workings of minorities I'm not apart of. Anyways lol, this wasn't meant to hold any malice, and I'm definitely not angry, I did get emotional lmao. I cried while writing this hahaha.
Anyways, have a great day/night <3
okay this is the second time its been brought up so i want to address this-
i, under no way had any intentions of making ppl uncomfortable- at the time i wrote my fics, it was common for others to tell me they just replaced it. fanfic and boundaries have definitely evolved a bit in the way its been placed in fics since then so i apologize.
before, i have asked in my posts for gender neutral terms or ways to fix problems that may arise like these- and have received answers that ppl have just replaced them. thus i followed that format but i can see why its an issue now.
i might not have the time to go back and fix then at the moment, but if you continue to see it, please tell me which fics so i can edit them. the purpose of the pronouns at the tol are for you to decide whether to read them or not
i appreciate that you did this kindly and im so sorry i didnt mean to make u cry! this is how u handle situations tho and its all in communication! ive gotten angry cusses before and this is a much nicer change :)
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Always read the job description -Part 1
Max was a fit, well built man. He had been body building since he was 14 and now In his early 40s he has the body of a god, but is slowly getting to the age when he needs to find another way to make money. He knows he can't take part in his competitions anymore, and needs to take it easy. He got great grades in school and college, proving people wrong that you can't be a nerd in a jock body.
Max had some money saved and was able to keep up on bills for a few months but needed a job to keep his large house, in the rich area of the city. He got a call from a business he applied to a couple of days ago, telling him to go in for an interview tomorrow, and if it goes well he will be sent straight on a trip for the company. He gets his new blue suit ready to be worn the next day.
The morning arrives, it's 5am, and Max wakes. He does his normal morning routine, making breakfast, working out, taking a shower, then gets his suit on ready for his early morning interview. Driving to the office building in the middle of New York, it's at least 50 stories high, and is made of mostly glass, and is one of the newest modern builds in the city.
On arrival a large man in his late 60s wearing a suit greets him, "hello sir, you must be max, Sir Mammon is on his way down to collect you, may I say what an amazing suit you have on today".
Max looks the man up and down, seeing the man's huge belly flowing out from under his dress shirt, showing a massive W shape, "thanks mate, you might want a bigger shirt" then points to his belly.
"sorry if I offended you sir, but all clothing has been chosen by Sir Mammon himself" Mammon is the big boss of the business "if you would like to make a complaint I can print you a form".
Max laughs, "No thanks, I'm gonna sit over there, tell Mammon im there".
"will do sir, have a great day" the man says while max walks away paying no more attention to him.
About 15 minutes later a young handsome slender man walks over. "Max is it?" He says behind Max.
"yes.." max says confused.
"I'm Mammon, nice to meet you" he smiles holding his hand out for a shake.
"oh hello Mammon, is wasn't expecting someone so young, no offence of course" max shaking his hand.
Mammon let's out a little laugh, with a little grin "it's ok max, people don't expect someone like me to own such a remarkable company like this one would you like to follow me, we can go up to my office, this is Mark by the way, he's my Butler". Mark is another large man aged around 50, he has a massive belly stuffed into his suit, hes huffing and puffing, like he ran a marithon, "don't mind him, most of my staff are..."
Max cuts him off "fat?"
They both laugh, "you could say that Max" the elevator arrives and they all walk in, "now max, you did read the whole advertisement correct?".
Max didn't, it's was 48 pages long, who would read it all? He just looked at the wage he would get, it started at $100,000 per month. "Yes, I did".
"that's good, most guys are more keen to keep their body's but I guess if your struggling you'll do anything."
Max now confused just nod's and watches though the glass elevator as they fly up to the top floor.
"where here sir" Mark the butler says peacefully in his British accent.
They walk into the room, and Mammon sits at his desk pouring himself a glass of wisky, and Max one too. Max looks around in aww, the room was covered in art work, with the walls painted in golds and whites and had its own bar. "How do you have all this money?" Max asked.
"a mix of many things, this company, and a few investments paid for this whole building, I have many other ways but we're not here for that." Mammon points at the seat," take a seat max" Max sits the chair is made from leather and is very comfy. "So, max, I've gone through your file, I think you're perfect for the job."
"so, does that mean I have the job?" Max replies confused, expecting to be asked a question.
"well yes, if you agree to the terms"
"terms?" Max still confused.
"well yes, you expect to be paid 10times the amount the normal person for this job without any terms or conditions?"
"well I didn't know.." Max gets cut off.
"Max let me simplify them for you. You sacrifice your body to the company, and in trade you get, $100k X the amount you weigh paid into your account per month, So if you weigh 450lbs, you get $450k a month."
"what the fuck? That's sick, I'm not doing that, I'm leaving" and with that Max got up from the chair and stood face to face with Mammon, with the desk all that is separating them. "Your sick, you fa**ot".
With that Mammon's eyes glow a bright red. "I'm a what?" Max got through back against the chair by an invisible force. "Max you could have just left with your freedom, but now look what you've gotten yourself into".
"Let me go, What the fuck?" Max says while traped against that chair, it chreeking with the force of his muscle.
"I'm a fucking demon max, I'm never going to 'let you go'" he took a second break to mock max, "now, what did you say? Fa**ot, was it?".
"fuck, I didn't mean it" the force pins him down harder, trapping his arms against the leather chair arms, and pushing his legs against the underboard. "Please let me go home, I won't do it again."
"shut up max, the process is already starting".
Max looks down to see his body deflating, his pecs turning from mountain peaks to a flat surface, his giant powerful arms turning weak and light. And then looking up he sees a whole new man infront of him.
"Not as big as I thought I would get, but boy I'm big" he took a break to admire his new giant arms and pecs.
"what the?" Max looks in confusion, "how did you do that? Give me them back".
"what are you gonna do max? I'm an infinitely powerful being and you, your an old man, or at least your going to be."
"I'm only 42, what do you mean, going to be?"
"you see I don't have my infinite life span on earth, so to stay alive and in this fit body, I absorb anything a guy has and I want. In your case, these massive muscles, but then I need to absorb their life force as well, in order to make sure I don't age."
"what do you mean life force?"
"well, you have roughly 50 years, worth of life left, I'll drain about 20 years leaving you in your future crippled body at around age 60, force you to work for the company for another 20 years, then when your 80 drain the rest of your life, which after you get fat won't be much, then you got to hell."
"man your sick, let me go, LET ME GO!".
A bright red light shoots from Peters hand enveloping Max's whole body, and he starts to age, his face wrinkling, skin dropping, eye sight worsening, hearing getting muffled, and mind changing a little. "Max, you ok old man?".
"yes sir" max was confused in his mind, why did he say sir?
"max, you ready for your Cruise? You can have tones of food for the next 6 months."
"Yes sir, I'm ready" max lifts his head, opening his eyes to see a new blurry room from his new old eyes.
"you're gonna need these from now on" Peters eyes glow and a new pair of glasses appear on Max's face he can now see clear.
"thank you... Sir", max blinks seeing Peter infront of him, "what have you, done to me".
"Max, I've turned you into the perfect office worker, old, brainiac, who is soon going to get fat and live the rest of his life, in an office chair for me, don't worry for accomodation you live here now, we have apartments on floor 30 to 40, all workers live here, it's policy, we have also sent a team to your house to, well, blow it up, that way nobody is going to be looking for you, becuase we can plant a body"
"give me... My.... Body back, give me... My.. life back."
"Max we both know that will never happen, now enjoy a life of gluttony, and prepare yourself for hell, that's gonna be worse then anything I can do to you." Peter snaped his fingers and a red glow enveloped max.
Recovering from the glow max sees two men infront of him with a trolly of sorts between them. "Is he awake" one says,
"I don't know" said the other.
"im- awake" max said in a much older raspy voice.
"good we can now start the feeding" the man on the left said, his body as muscled as a god, ripped from head to toe, and we can see everything.
Max rubs his eyes under his glasses and opens them again, "Fucking hell, put some clothes on both of you".
Both men where nude, one a ripped god, another muscled up but with a big gut. "Clothes are banned here mate" the beefy man said in a type of Australia accent, "you cant say much fella, look at that tiny pecker".
The men laughed pointing at Max's shriveled up old cock and low hanging balls, "what the fuck"max tries to move his arm to cover him but his arm doesn't move, he looks down to see him stuck in a chair, with a cut out hole under his ass, and straps tying him down, trapping him. "What... Are you gonna do to me?" Max asked sceared.
The men laughed at him again, "no need to act to sceared, we're here to feed you for the next 6 months".
"but... Sir said..." Max get cut off.
"he said you'd be going on a cruise? Fucking hell are you dumb? He's a demon, you shouldn't trust a demon" The muscled guy says.
"bro let's start the feeding we have 50 other guys to see and I wanna watch football Tonight." The beefy guys says, and in unison both their eyes glowed a bright red, showing they where demons too.
The trolly between them had several items on top, one long tube, which floated in the air for a few moments before shoving itself down maxes nostril and deep into his stomach, his head flipped back trying to wriggle it out, but it was stuck. Another item moved into his frame, a IV bag holder, holding a giant barrel type object made of glass, and two large bags floated of the table again and started to drain into the barrel, and the tube connected itself to it, starting a flow of the liquid into maxes stomach.
"done" the beffy guy said. "Now we'll be back tomorrow to refill your barrel, and clean you up if you make a mess, but youll basically be unconscious for the next 6 months, due to the drugs were feeding you."
"so enjoy your sleep mate, you'll litterally wake up a different man." The two men laughed and walked out, max tried fighting the restraints but in his crippled form could do nothing. The door slammed and locked, and the room fell dark, max screamed begging into the darkness to be let free, and to have his life back, which he had only an hour before, but nothing happened, nobody came. He felt the drugs taking effect, but tried to fight back, but it was useless, his body slumped and loosened. His mind fell blank as he drifted of into his 6 month hibernation.
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- I've been meaning to make a post on this for a few days now, but ive managed to hold it back a little longer.
As a first comment, with what I'm about to say I am in no way asking for pity; this is simply how things have been as of late, and I just want to tell you guys instead of just outright going silent for a period of time.
From a general overview, I no longer enjoy writing as much as I once did. I don't want to just leave it at that because it is far from being the only reason that may push this blog into an indefinite hiatus. But, to place down a first point, writing has become a sort of...duty, in the sense that I feel that I need to post these writings on a fairly regular schedule.
Now, I know what many of you might say - and some have even said: don't overwork yourself or feel pressured to write. Truthfully, I wish I could; I really do. But on the other side of the coin that represents recognition amongst the fandom, for me there's almost an obligation to have to continue writing, to fulfil all these wonderful requests from people I adore and care for more than anything.
It's overwhelming. Some might say "Belle, you've gotten this far, just do it", and to that I say I wish I could. However, writing out of obligation shows in what is posted, it shows that no interest is being put in and the quality considerably decreases. The last thing I want to do is botch everyone's requests just because I feel that I need to do them, whether or not they're well written.
This is simply something that has happened to me before, so it comes as no surprise for me, personally. However, despite this repetition of circumstances, I still feel horrible about myself, disappointed to the extent that I don't even feel that I should be part of this fandom after losing interest in writing for it.
Another point in this - and this may come off as harsh, but in no way is this my intention - is the rise of people in the fandom. In no way am I considering the increase of fans as something negative; in fact, this brings along new writers.
Now, the problem here is that I see all these wonderful, new, fresh writers and think "Wow...you are all doing so amazingly and receiving the recognition you deserve", which is something I wish for any writer. However, this makes me want to leave space for these new writers, to leave behind the posts I've made and let the new, amazing authors take over because it's what they truly deserve.
I mean, I'm sure many have gotten tired of seeing my writing style all the time, and for that I believe I should step down from the blog until further notice - though, the possibility stands that this return may never happen.
And, finally, my personal state. I'm grateful for being somewhat stable when it comes to my wellbeing; however, I have noticed a spike in the way I feel every time that I come on here. I feel extremely anxious - unwelcomed, even, at times - and it destroys my motivation to get back on my keyboard and write for all of you.
As materialistic as this may sound, I start to get worried over the notes I receive, how well a post does, what you guys think of it, etc. To put it simply, for everything that I post I have to try and keep myself from stressing over the amount of notifications because I've fallen into a mindset that if one of them doesn't get X amount of notes, my writing is bad.
And it's damaging, exhausting; I'm sure you guys can get a slight idea of how this just doesn't sit well on somebody. Especially since this hasn't been cause by another person, it's all because of me.
It's all because of me; I haven't been able to integrate myself in the fandom either. I see so many authors interacting with each other - the most wonderful sight one could ever witness - whilst I'm stuck on my writings, losing contact with everyone because I have to do these requests, I have to get them done. And I just wish I could communicate more with everyone; but this is all on me, at the end of the day.
It is doing anything but good to me, and there are days where I simply want to delete the blog and erase all of those anxious feelings, because it's the only way I can think of that would work. But I don't want to do that, because I want to let others enjoy what little work I've done up until now and because I care for you all so, so much.
It pains me to have to say this, but I'm going to have to take a break. No requests shall be deleted, forgotten or even ignored; they will all stay safely in my inbox until the time comes around that I feel able enough to do them justice.
With that, I leave you all with wishes that you take care of yourselves, to be the best version of yourselves each and every day and that you all mean the world to me. I'm so sorry that I'm doing this to you all.
belle âĄ
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If the Spit Hits the Fan (Glee) Pt XVII
This is the penultimate part. The last one is written and drafted - I did finish while on vacation. Expect it for next weekend.
Follows pt I, pt II, pt III, pt IV, pt V, pt VI, pt VII, pt VIII, pt IX, pt X, pt XI, pt XII, pt XIII, pt XIV, pt XV and pt XVI.
It's as everything happens in May. Kurt feels as if he should be used to it by now, but this year is worse than any before. It's understandable, he guesses, what with it being his senior year, but understanding doesn't help. Some of the squares on his wall calendar has so many things on them they're barely legible, and there are days when he wants to just quit it all.
He can always work in his dad's garage for the rest of his life. Surely that's not the worst thing ever?
The only reason he's not a complete wreck when Nationals comes is the Warblers meeting held right after Regionals where David had used logic (how dare he) and suggested their approach to Nationals.
Kurt's first, immediate reaction is âwe're never going to win with thatâ which he also says out loud, only to be met by âso whatâ.
âI don't say this lightly. I've been a Warbler for four years. It's been amazing to be surrounded by all of these talented people, and make music just because we like it, and that's why I've kept it up even with all the hints I've gotten that my 'future career' would be better served by me spending that time on learning another language or studying harder. After all, what use is singing and dancing for a lawyer?â
There's a bitterness in David's voice, and it's echoed in a number of murmurs around the room.
âThis is the one thing I do for fun, that I do just for me, and some days the only thing that makes slogging through my mountain of homework bearable is knowing that once I'm done I can go enjoy Warblers. This year's group hold more talent of all my years here, which is why it hurts to say that I don't think we can win, no matter what setlist we go on with. We're simply not the kind of group that wins a contest like this.â
Which, probably true. The Warblers are good, yes, but they're an all boys a capella group performing in uniforms. They don't have the productions that teams who wins Nationals do. Doesn't mean that it hurts just as much to hear as it hurts to say.
âThe truth is â and I'm sorry, I know we don't talk about him, but I have to â the truth is that we didn't even compete before Blaine.â
Kurt expects it to sting to hear his name. It does, but not much. He's moving past that.
âBlaine walked in here and wanted to compete so badly. He spent his first semester here trying to talk us into trying, even with all the reasons we had for not going so, and he got his way. That doesn't change the fact that this is only our second year competing, and we've surpassed all expectations by making it to Nationals. Â To do so again and win, or even place in the top... I don't think we can do that, not even with all the talent in this room.â
No one likes hearing that, but no one's disagreeing either. They aren't going to win. That's just how it is.
âSo why not do that we like? Why don't we pick songs we like and that showcases our strengths? Why don't we sing a song that will make you happy, Kurt? And if it knocks us down in the ranking to do so, who cares? I don't.â
To hear someone say that Kurt's happiness should matter more than placement â to hear David say it, after everything the year before â causes tears to well up in his eyes. To hear every single Warbler agree make those tears fall.
They'd walked out of that meeting stronger than they'd gone in, and Kurt lets himself gather strength from that memory for a few seconds before he steps forward and lets his voice soar.
âSomething has changed within me, something is not the same / I'm through with playing by the rules, of someone else's gameâ
They finish eleventh. It's better than they'd dared to hope, with all the absolutely excellent teams competing. It the joy is tinged with a little bitterness? Who can blame them? Maybe, more than one of them wonders, a more conventional setlist could have placed them among the top ten. At the same time they're all aware that maybe it would have have placed them dead last. There's no way of telling, and no use speculating.
They did their best, enjoyed their performance and finished eleventh at Nationals. That's nothing to look down on. In fact...
âWe did better than New Directions last yearâ Kurt says with a smirk.
They've beaten  his old team, his so-called friends, in every way possible and he allows himself to see that as a win.
Finn posts video of all their songs on his Facebook and is proud (and smug) enough to also post the âDefying Gravityâ performance in the Glee group with a comment about how Kurt obviously could hit that note, tagging both Rachel and Mr Schue. It's petty, and Kurt should be big enough of a person to ask Finn to remove it, but no. If his brother wants to stand up for him Kurt isn't just going to let him, he's going to be grateful.
Feeling loved and protected is not something he's ever going to scoff at.
Nationals is followed by finals, the less said about the better, and then prom. Or well, âthe Dalton Academy and Crawford County Day Joint Spring Formalâ. Same thing right?
Wrong.
The spring formal is every thing junior prom wasn't. It's not really the fact that Sebastian asks Kurt properly to be his date for the formal, and compliments his outfit. It's not that even without decorations Dalton's auditorium is more grand than McKinley's gym. It's not even the grand dinner with lit candles, waiters and three courses before the dance or that there's a band that plays waltzes and foxtrot for the first two hours before the DJ is allowed to take over.
It's that even before they've entered the transformed dining hall Kurt spots half a dozen same-sex couples, a number that keeps going up during the evening. It's the fact that he gets to dance the whole evening, not in a group or with a girl, but with Sebastian and the occasional Warbler. Mostly it's Sebastian's arms he's in, and it's amazing.
It's so far from his junior prom and Blaine that it almost hurts.
âIs there something wrong?â
âNo. Everything is... This year everything is perfect.â
Sebastian doesn't look entirely convinced, but decides to drop it and instead lean closer for a kiss.
The evening really is perfect.
The morning of his birthday Kurt walks into the dining hall alone only to be met with a table full of Warblers that stand up and sing for him as soon as he clears the door. There's one place left at the table, next to Sebastian, set with the kind of breakfast not even Dalton serves (fresh croissant, strawberries, a piece of brie and a one-person pot of tea) with a rainbow rose in a vase. Kurt sits down with a smile and leans over to kiss his boyfriend's cheek.
âSo, rainbow roses are going to be our thing, is it? I love it.â
He spends the day with a smile on his lips, because his boyfriend took the time to do something special for him on his birthday and his friends have promised cake in the Warblers' room after dinner, and he feels loved.
âCakeâ turns out to be cheesecake and presents, and more singing, and so much more smiling. Afterwards Sebastian walks him back to his room. There's no kissing though, which Kurt finds unacceptable.
âIsn't there some kind of rule that you get kisses on your birthday? I would have thought that was a part of the boyfriend experience, and to be honest I'm feeling very much unkissed.â
That nets him a crooked smile, but still no kisses. It's almost enough to worry him.
âYou can have all the kisses you want, and not just on your birthday, you know that babe. However, there's something else I wanted you to have first.â
Sebastian pulls out a small package from him pocket and hands it over with a smile, which begins to fade when Kurt doesn't immediately take it. It's just, well.
âAnother present? You shouldn't have.â
âAnother? What do you mean?â
The truth is that Kurt fully expected breakfast and a rose to be the whole of Sebastian's congratulations, and he doesn't quite know how to take getting more than that. He doesn't really know how to explain it though, and definitely not in a way that won't start Sebastian on another rant about how Blaine was unworthy of Kurt's affection. Especially since it's not just about him.
Turns out he doesn't need to say anything â and apparently he's getting yet another present in the form of the absence of that rant.
âBreakfast was a treat. This is your actual present, which I hope you'll like at least as much as that.â
Sebastian looks a little worried as Kurt removes the paper and opens the small box inside (and if he's a little shaky to open a jewelry box from his boyfriend no one needs to know). It's a pair of gorgeous cufflinks with just the right balance between classy and unique and he absolutely loves them.
âThese are amazing! They're too much, really, but they're so gorgeous that I'm going to pretend they're not. I love them!â I love you. But that's a bit too early to say, and so instead he leans forward and does his absolute best to communicate exactly that through kissing.
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         plotting etiquette : a players guide
                      [ coming soon / an admins guide ]Â
plotting is an essential part to writing together; whether youâre in a group, an indie blog or even a 1x1, you need to be able to communicate with your peers in order to build a story. and thatâs why weâre all here, right? to create worlds, no matter what the context, and most importantly, to do this with others. roleplaying is a team effort - no matter what universe youâre writing in. below the cut are some helpful tips, tricks and advice to remember when attempting to plot with others. if youâve found this guide useful, please like and/or reblog to spread the word - and hopefully help out others along the way.                ***a part two will be out next week for admins on how to promote and help your group with plotting.Â
               i. âiâm scared of bothering people!â
this is a statement iâve seen the most often around the rpc - whether itâs from a various text post people reblog, or as an admin whoâs been on the receiving end of messages like this.Â
itâs important to remember that most of us get a little nervous about reaching out. while writing original pieces or fanfiction can give you some distance between the creating portion and the feedback process, thereâs no real space for roleplaying. itâs an instantaneous thing - we put our words out there on the screen, and someone else has to reply to that in some capacity.
whether youâre an extrovert, an introvert or something in between, this can often be the beginning of the end for a lot of roleplayers. maybe youâve joined an established group, and it seems like everyone has set dynamics and you donât want to shake things up. or maybe youâre an indie blog, but youâre too scared to talk to someone youâve idolized and want to write with.Â
the thing is, you canât expect people to know what you want if you canât verbalize it yourself. let them know youâre a little nervous ! chances are, they are too. weâre all on this platform trying to do the same thing, and everyone gets nervous about exposing themselves to strangers now and again. ultimately, we put a little piece of ourselves in every character we create, and that can be terrifying to show to people and expect them to accept. but a little effort goes a long way - making the first move can often help build a bridge to someone you might not have otherwise gotten the chance to write with. youâre going to have to take a risk sometimes. while not everyone is going to be receptive, most people will be. and chances are, if you start with something as simple as âhi, iâd love the chance to write / plot with you,â youâll be met with an extraordinarily excited new partner. understand that if they donât, itâs not a bad thing ! some writing styles donât mesh together, some people have a harder time talking freely than others, and so many of us regularly forget to reply to a message. know that if youâve put yourself out there, thatâs a huge step in the right direction, no matter what comes of it, and next time itâll be even easier.Â
              ii. come prepared.
this is ultimately where a lot of players fall short. itâs one thing to say âletâs plotâ, and another thing to do it altogether. you need to have some sort of jumping off point.Â
some ideas include:Â
a prompt / plot idea.Â
this is especially important if itâs a new person youâre trying to interact with. itâs difficult to come up with things on the spot, and if youâre reaching out, you need to have something to reach out with.Â
in a group youâll want to take the time to read their biography / about / wanted connections if they have them listed. itâs a quick way to ensure you have a basis of what they want, and how you and your characters can then fill those needs.Â
as an indie / 1x1 see if they have any âwanted plotsâ or âpromptsâ tags. check out their ask memes tags. ensure youâve read their guidelines on both of these, and follow them. while most people have similar rules, you canât know that for sure unless youâve read through them.Â
questions about their character(s).
everyone adores talking about their own characters - give them an opportunity to let them tell you about theirs! even if theyâre playing a canon character, theyâll have their own take on them, with headcanons and quirks and hobbies that might not show up in the specific canon the character comes from.Â
use ask memes if you need help coming up with questions - ask memes are extraordinarily helpful when it comes to fleshing out muses for developmental purposes as it is, and while theyâre usually made for general tumblr interaction, they can be a great jumping off point for talking specifics.Â
donât be afraid to point out things in their bio / about / etc. this shows that youâve gone through and read their pages, which shows that you care about them as a person and a character, and not merely another faceclaim.Â
talk about your character(s).
itâs always good, especially in a group, to have a small statement of facts about your character. in business, this is called an âelevator pitchâ - a few concise sentences that can get someone else interested.
for example, merrick wood is a former cheerleader who would do absolutely anything for her sister, holly, has no real ambitions and loves the weird and supernatural. you can find her swimming, or listening to mix cdâs she makes for her own amusement, or even on the hunt for big foot. this now gives the other player a few things to pick through - what kind of music is she listening to? why is her sister so important to her? is cheerleading still important enough for her to mention it to someone?
              iii. plotting is a two way street.
the above two points work on the basis that youâve made the first move - but say youâre the one whoâs gotten the message of someone eager to plot with you ! takes a little stress off of your plate, but adds to their own. no matter what, remember that there is a real person on the other side of the screen. be kind, and treat them how youâd want to be treated - even if youâre not interested in writing with them, let them know ! a simple thanks for the message! iâm honored youâre interested in my characters, but at the moment i donât think weâd be a good fit is enough of a response that most people should leave it at that. if you get a message saying theyâre not interested, simply say âthank you for replying!â and move on. as stated above, not everyone will always click - respect peopleâs boundaries, and understand that youâll find a new partner in due time.Â
responding to plotting messages is as important as creating them; if someone says they want to plot and gives you ideas, play off of them. donât simply say âokay!â or âcool!â - a habit a lot of people have had over the years.Â
        example. if jenny says âi think it would be great if robert could surprise them with flowers,â reply wth âoh how cute!!!â and end there - expand on it, adding your own input - âthatâs so cute! denise adores lilacs, and would be flustered to get them from someone she admires so much!â           the latter sentence gives your partner something to respond to, something to work with, and may just end up being in the thread you write together!Â
             iv. donât make your admins do all the work.
this section is primarily for group roleplayers.Â
your admin(s) already do so much. behind the scenes, thereâs constantly updating the main pages, queueing ads, coming up with tasks and events and plot drops to keep players entertained and happy. at the same time, theyâre trying to play in the group with you - create their own stories, write their own characters. they should not have to spoon feed you plots. these are things you need to develop on your own and with fellow players.Â
        example. in a town rp, and you have a social butterfly character ? throw a birthday party for a character, giving the other characters something to participate in without an official Admin Sponsored Event.          you should of course ensure the admin is okay with you having âeventsâ like the above for various players, and you need to ensure youâre inclusive in them - donât âthrow a partyâ and not invite half the group because you donât want to plot with them. take the time to message players of characters who might not normally show up and figure out something else with them, or a reason why they would be there or even why they wouldnât!Â
             v. stop bubbling.
at the end of the day, plotting together is the best way to stop bubbling from happening in your group. no one wants to be the player left out of everything - make sure to try and reach out to the others, especially if you think other players may be ignoring them. writing together - in a group, on an indie, anywhere really - is supposed to be fun and challenging and a different experience every time. before you go to your admins about being left out / ignored, ask yourself if youâve done the above. have you messaged other players ? asked them about their characters, and given ideas of potential prompts for the two of you to write ? if you have, and youâre still getting ignored, then absolutely talk to your admin team! but try and be proactive instead of reactive and youâd be amazed at how far you can go.Â
                  hopefully this guide will help you - remember, your roleplay experience is ultimately cultivated by yourself. you choose which groups to apply to, which characters to bring, and your attitudes and behaviors can affect your gameplay. being in a group, specifically, is about being a part of a team. become a team player, and you and your characters can find the roleplay family of your dreams âĄ
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Guilty Pleasure
[Porn AU]
Summary: Peter and Beck used to be a power couple in the porn industry, but after Beck dumps him, Peter is forced to start over. With no money, no family and nowhere to go, he doesnât have much choice other than to keep doing porn, so he joins Just4Fans to get back on his feet and then one day he gets a very generous tip from someone under the username of YKWIM.
All the warnings listed on Part I apply.
Read on AO3
Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V / Part VIÂ /Â Part VIIÂ /Â Part VIIIÂ / Part IX / Part XÂ /Â Part XI / Epilogue
-x-
As it turned out, Tony did make great pancakes. Peter woke up the next day to the smell of them, and shyly headed in the general direction it was coming from, until he reached the kitchen. Tony was standing there, wearing impeccable gray dress pants, a crisp white shirt and a green tie, as he added batter to a frying pan. Peter supposed that was what heaven would look like when he died.
âOh, hey, kitten, youâre up.â He grinned at him, who smiled in return, nodding. He had put his clothes from the night before back on, and he was glad he did, because Tony was dressed to the nines and it would have been awkward if he had shown up in just his boxers or something. âSleep well?â
âI did, thanks.â And it was surprisingly true. Peter hadnât had such a good nightâs sleep in a while, he supposed he missed sleeping next to someone. He did share a bed with Beck for two years, so it felt awfully lonely to sleep by himself. âAre you headed to work?â He asked as he sat on a stool by the kitchen island and Tony nodded guiltily, fixing two plates of pancakes.
âIâm so sorry, I tried to make arrangements to get the morning off, but duty calls.â To his credit, he did look genuinely sorry, so Peter thought maybe it wasnât just an excuse to get rid of him. Maybe.
âItâs okay, I have to be home soon, or my friends will worry.â Which wasnât exactly true, but not exactly a lie either. They wouldnât notice he was gone until lunchtime, since they both had work or class in the morning, but when they did notice, they would freak out.
âI thought you lived by yourself?â Tony sounded interested as he sat beside him by the kitchen counter and pushed a plate his way. Peter thanked him, taking a bite of the surprisingly good pancake.
âI do, but we live in the same building, so weâre always checking in on each other.â Tony hummed, nodding, and they were silent for a little while, until the older man spoke up again.
âCan I ask about your relatives?â He felt his eyes on him and knew that, much like the night before, he was testing the waters, making sure Peter was comfortable with that subject.
âSure. I donât have any, though. Iâm an orphan, Iâve lived in foster homes for most of my life.â Peter didnât really mind talking about that period â it was basically all he knew. He was too little when his parents died and was only ten when Ben and May passed away, so the foster homes were where he made most of his memories.
âOh. Iâm so sorry to hear that.â Tony winced, maybe thinking he had touched a sensitive subject after all, but Peter smiled and shrugged.
âItâs okay, it was a long time ago. My friends are like family to me now, so Iâm good.â
âIâm glad you have them.â Again, he gave him that genuine smile that made Peter believe he was actually glad to hear that. Like he actually cared. âSo⊠Can I see you again? Or was this just a one time thing?â The older man turned his body to face Peter, who froze for a second with the mug held to his lips, mid-sip.
âOh, uhmâŠâ Peter almost chocked on the coffee, not quite believing his ears. He honestly thought that the older man would slowly disappear from his life. Or maybe not even that slowly. Peter figured he had gotten what he wanted, so why would he stick around? âI mean, sure. If you want.â He said, like an idiot, and Tony raised a brow.
âI really do, but I donât mean to pressure you, so if you want to say no and just go back to what we had, thatâs okay. Or not even that, if you prefer. Just say the word and Iâll get out of your hair.â He sounded honest enough, but Peter quickly shook his head, eyes wide.
âNo, itâs okay, I definitely wanna do this again.â He assured him, and Tony seemed satisfied with his answer, expression softening as he nodded.
After breakfast, the older man insisted on driving him home and when they arrived at his building, he felt a little awkward as to how to say goodbye, but Tony made it easier by simply leaning in and kissing him softly on the lips, one hand stroking his knee in a gentle caress.
âIâll call you later, kitten.â He promised and Peter just sighed quietly, feeling dizzy.
He was a little out of it for the rest of the day, both Ned and MJ asked what was wrong with him in separate occasions, but he just said he was tired from his new routine. They had dinner together and when he went back to his apartment that night, he was just mildly surprised that he actually got a call from Tony. It was an innocent, sweet phone call, too. He did not expect that, to be honest, they had been sexting for two months and they had actual sex the previous night, so he kind of expected Tony to just go for it.
But no.
He asked about his day, about his friends, he told him about his own day, then somehow they ended up talking a little bit about Peterâs childhood, his parents, aunt May and Uncle Ben, it was just a really nice chat, which he appreciated. Not that he didnât enjoy talking dirty to Tony, but the fact that he called just to have a normal conversation with no second intentions was, well. Nice.
He didnât really know where they were going with that, probably nowhere, really, Peter was an ex-porn star, Tony was an A-list celebrity, a billionaire and a fucking Avenger, so there was literally zero chance they could evolve to something else. They would probably just go out a few more times, have mind-blowing awesome sex, and then go their separate ways. And Peter was okay with that.
It was fine. Really. It was just fine.
And it was for the best, otherwise how would he explain to Ned and MJ that he was dating Tony Fucking Stark? It would be a nightmare. MJ would kill him and lecture him on how big corporations like Stark Industries were destroying their way of life and Ned would pass out â and possibly die â so, yeah. It was a good thing they had no real future together. Â
That didnât mean he couldnât enjoy it while it lasted, though. Tony was really nice, a true gentleman, a good conversationalist, a great kisser and an amazing lay. So whatever he could get out of those moments they had together, he would. Everything was perfectly fine and under control. And did he mention fine?
The next morning, he woke up early and went for a jog around the block. He had been experimenting with different types of workout routines, but he thought he might stick with jogging and yoga for a while, he was even looking for a yoga studio close to his building so he could start training more seriously. When he got back, he took a long shower, made breakfast and spent a few hours answering people on Just4Fans, then posted a few pictures there, linked it to his twitter account and let people know on Instagram.
Tony texted him mid-morning and Peter blushed like a teenager when he read his message.
âJust saw the new pics, you look stunning as always, baby, but I have to admit Iâm spoiled now, pictures are not enough. Canât wait to see you again. Dinner tomorrow?â
âFlattery will get you everywhere, sir, keep it coming.â He smiled to himself and bit his lower lip, excited by the prospect of seeing Tony again so soon. âTomorrow sounds great, where are we going? Should I start stressing about the dress code?â
âI was thinking you could come over. Did I mention that Iâm a great cook? Pancakes arenât my only specialty.â Peter felt butterflies in his stomach. It was stupid, of course, but he just found it endearing that Tony wanted to cook for him.
âIâd love to. Iâm curious about your cooking, your pancakes did taste fantastic.â Just the thought of that morning and, more importantly, the night before that, made his mind wander, as a quiet sigh left his lips.
âPrepare to be blown away.â
âYouâre so humble, I love that about you.â The young man smiled to himself.
âThank you, kitten, itâs one of my many qualities.â Peter laughed at his antics.
They settled on a time and Tony insisted on picking him up, even though it was obviously inconvenient since they were having dinner at his place, but he wouldnât take no for an answer, so Peter gave in. They talked a little more, but soon Tony had to go back to work and now that the younger man knew exactly who he was, he imagined it was a lot of work.
He went on with his Saturday â in the afternoon, he took a few pictures and videos with different sets of lingerie he bought with MJ when they went to Victoriaâs Secret, and that should be enough to last him at least a few days. At dinnertime, he went down to his friendsâ apartment, as usual, and they were both home.
âWhatâs up, nerd,â MJ greeted from the couch, but didnât raise her eyes from her phone.
âHey, Pete, dinner is almost ready,â Ned called from the kitchen island.
âWant me to set the table?â He walked over to where Ned was fishing a plate out of the microwave.
âSure.â
Peter knew his way around the kitchen, so he got to work, placing the plates and cutlery on the small, square table by the counter.
âHey, are you up for a Star Trek marathon tomorrow night? I donât have any classes next Monday morning, we can stay up late.â
âOh, uhm. I ââ Fuck, he hadnât really thought of an excuse for why he wouldnât be having dinner with them. âI canât, becauseâŠâ He noticed that MJ had finally raised her eyes from her phone, only to stare at him suspiciously. âI have this thing, uhm, on my Just4Fans⊠Tomorrow night.â
âCanât you just schedule the posts?â MJ asked from the couch, because of-fucking-course she knew about that.
âUhm, yeah, I can, but â uhm. Itâs a live stream. Iâm live streaming tomorrow for the first time. Itâs good for tips and stuff, so. Yeah. Iâve already let everybody know, I canât cancel.â He gave them an apologetic smile, trying to look convincing, but he was pretty sure he just looked like a nervous wreck.
âOh. Ok, then.â Ned shrugged and didnât seem bothered at all, but MJ kept staring at him from the couch, like she could smell his bullshit from a mile away. She didnât say anything, though, for which he was grateful.
The next morning, he woke up early and decided to skip his usual jog around the block and just did a short yoga session in his living room, warmed by the morning sun that flooded his apartment at that time. He had lunch with his friends and spent the afternoon with them, but left early with the excuse that he had to get ready for his âlive streamâ.
When the older man texted to say he was waiting outside, Peter was already showered and dressed and skipped downstairs two steps at a time. He didnât know what he was supposed to wear to a billionaireâs house, but he decided casual was probably fine, so he put on a pair of light blue jeans and a light pink, thin sweater.
Tony was driving a low-profile, black SUV and he got out of the car when Peter stepped outside the building. He had a baseball cap and tinted glasses on, dark blue jeans, a Metallica t-shirt and sneakers, and if Peter didnât know it was him, he would never have thought that was actually Tony Stark.
âHey, gorgeous, looking good.â Tony didnât think twice before reaching out to pull him closer by the hips, stealing a chaste kiss from his lips. Peter blushed and completely forgot he should be worried that Ned or MJ might see them if they came downstairs for something, or even if they looked out the living room window. He wrapped his arms around the older manâs neck and deepened the kiss.
âThanks, but you should get your eyes checked.â He joked as he let go, taking a small step back.
âYeah, I think so too, I think constantly staring at such beauty is taking a toll on my eyesight, Iâm an old man, after all.â Tony pulled him by the chin and stole yet another kiss. When he pulled away, Â Peter shook his head and laughed.
âOh my God. Seriously, do you practice these lines in the mirror or something?â He had a feeling that if it was anyone else saying half the things Tony said to him daily, he would find it corny and possibly annoying, but somehow the older man made everything sound charming, sweet, sexy, endearing â hell, everything at once. And he always knew what to say to make Peterâs knees go weak, it was unnerving sometimes.
âNo, you just inspire me daily, baby.â He gave him a charming smile, as he opened the door and gestured for Peter to get in the car.
The ride to Tonyâs place was filled with the sound of the older man humming along to the music playing. Peter didnât recognize any of the songs, it was a classic rock playlist, but then he heard a familiar beat and thought it was a great opportunity to stick his foot so deep inside his mouth he almost choked.
âI love Led Zeppelin!â He didnât exactly love Led Zeppelin and he was quite sure he had just heard a cover of that song, not the original version, but he thought heâd sound cool if he said that. When he looked over, though, Tony was laughing his head off. Peter blushed a deep crimson, eyes widening as he realized he must have said something incredibly dumb.
âOh, youâre not joking.â Finally seeming to realize that the younger man wasnât laughing along with him, Tony turned down the volume, as they approached Stark Towerâs garage entrance. âThatâs Back in Black by AC/DC, kitten. But hey, I love Zeppelin, too, who doesnât?â He smiled warmly, looking at him sideways, and Peter nodded.
âOh, right. Yeah. Of course.â Fuck his life. Of course he had to make a complete fool of himself right at the beginning of the night. He wanted to jump out the window from embarrassment, but it would only add to his humiliation, since Tony had already parked and got out of the car.
The older man opened the door for him and Peter avoided eyes contact, as he led him to the elevator. He could still feel his cheeks burning on the ride up, his head was starting to hurt from shame. Was that a thing?
âHey, donât be like this.â Tony pulled him into a loose hug, kissing his temple with a soft smile on his lips. âIt was an honest mistake. Besides, I wouldnât be able to identify whatever it is you kids listen to these days.â
It was oddly comforting to hear that. Even though he knew Tony wasnât trying to be mean to him back in the car, it was hard not to feel attacked in situations like that. Beck always tried to make him feel dumb, inferior and juvenile whenever he got the chance.
So he rested his head on Tonyâs shoulder and nodded slowly. He was going to say something like âdonât worry, Iâm fineâ but it got lost somewhere in the back of his throat when the older man held him a little tighter and stroked his hair.
The whole interaction lasted merely a few seconds, soon the elevator doors opened to the familiar sight of Tonyâs living room, looking just as impeccable as it did a couple of nights earlier. The older man gestured for Peter to lead the way and he did, paying closer attention to the details, since he was a little too nervous to do it the last time he was there.
What he realized when he took a look around, was that the penthouse didnât look lived in at all. It was all glass and metal, shiny floors and sophisticated furniture, black and gray decoration â it looked ready to be featured in one of those shows that listed the most beautiful houses in the world, but it didnât look like a place he would like to go back to at the end of the day.
âYou donât spend a lot of time here, do you?â Peter asked, as Tony led them in the direction he remembered the kitchen and the dining room were.
âThat obvious, huh?â The older man winced and Peter flushed, realizing he might have been a little rude in his observation. âBut yeah, when Iâm home, I spend most of my time down in the workshop.â
âAh, the famous workshop. I suppose if I were to visit right now there would be pictures of me hanging on every wall?â He joked, remembering that Tony had once told him that he would hang his pictures in the workshop and never get any work done.
âI mean, not every wallâŠâ He turned to him and winked, leaving the younger man a little unsure if he meant it or if he was just messing around. Sometimes it was hard to tell with the manâs sarcastic sense of humor. âIâll give you a tour after dinner.â He promised, when they finally reached the dining room.
The table was set in a simple manner, for what Peter was glad, it made him feel more comfortable and at ease. Tony pulled out a chair for him then headed to the kitchen, which was separated from the dining room only by a long, wide counter, where the had breakfast the other day.
The man came back with wine, pouring two glasses for them, then he started placing the dishes on the table. There was mashed potatoes, grilled veggies and roast chicken, and the smell was to die for, Peterâs stomach rumbled and he wasnât even that hungry. Â
âVoilĂ . This was my favorite meal as a kid, my grandma used to make this for me all the time when I spent summers with her.â He took a seat across from Peter, looking at him expectantly. The younger man found his enthusiasm amusing, so he fixed a plate under Tonyâs eager supervision. âTell me what you think. But be nice, I havenât cooked this in a while, it might be a little dry.â
Peter took a bite of the chicken first, and it took him a few moments to feel the explosion of flavors on his tongue. The meat was tender and juicy, cooked to perfection, and the seasoning tasted inexplicably like home â it didnât taste like something he could order at a restaurant, let alone a frozen meal he could buy at the supermarket. He then tried the mashed potatoes along with the grilled veggies and almost cried.
âTony, this is so good, have you considered dropping everything and starting a restaurant?â he gushed, taking another bite of the chicken only to confirm that, yes, that was probably what paradise tasted like.
âDonât exaggerate. I already like you plenty, kitten, you donât need to flatter my cooking skills.â Tony smiled, shaking his head lightly, and if Peter didnât know any better, he might think he was blushing.
âIâm not, this is seriously the best homemade meal Iâve ever eaten,â he insisted and Tony cocked his head to the side, with a confused smile and a frown
âWhat the hell have they been feeding you, kid?â He asked and Peter chuckled.
âWell, I spent most of my life in foster care and I was never lucky enough to end up in a family that liked to cook.â The families he stayed with werenât bad â not compared to some of the horror stories he heard from other foster kids he met in the past â they just werenât good. They provided him with the bare minimum for survival, so water and enough food to avoid starvation. âAnd uncle Ben and aunt May, dude⊠They couldnât cook for shit.â He laughed, remembering Aunt Mayâs date loaf, which was probably the worst thing he had ever tasted in his life.
âWell, now I feel obligated to feed you properly,â Tony announced, and Peter quickly shook his head, feeling his face grow red for the hundredth time that night.
âOh, no, you donât need to, I wasnâtââ
âI want to, if Iâm your only source of good, homemade food, then Iâm taking this seriously, kitten.â He pointed a fork at him as he spoke. âAnd you can help me cook, what do you say? That way I can teach you a thing or two so you wonât starve to death.â Again, the idea that Tony wanted to cook for him was too sweet. He was an incredibly busy guy who probably didnât even cook for himself, but he was willing to waste that kind of time on Peter. It justâ
âSounds amazing.â He smiled, nodding, and the older manâs face softened when their eyes met. Â
âGood.â He took a sip of wine and topped off both of their glasses. âDid you tell your friends you were coming here today?â That seemed like a polite way to ask if they knew about him, and Peter wasnât sure what kind of answer he was expecting.
âNo, they think Iâm home.â He watched the manâs face, waiting for his reaction, but there was none, so Peter felt like he should explain himself further. âAfter my ex â theyâre just a little too overprotective, so, you know. I just donât want them to worry.â Tony raised his eyebrows and Peterâs eyes widened, realizing what that might have sounded like. âNot that I think youâre my â that weâre â I mean, Iâm not assuming anything, I just meant ââ
âHey, itâs okay, I know what you mean.â He reached across the table to squeeze one of his shaking hands. âYour friends sound like good people, by the way. Youâre lucky to have them.â
âThanks.â Tony smoothly changed the subject and started talking about his summers with his grandmother and how she taught him everything he knew about cooking. He said that was the reason why his repertoire consisted only of comfort food and Peter thought that was the sweetest thing he had learned about him so far.
Once dinner was done with, Tony kept his promise and gave him a tour. The place looked like a labyrinth made of glass and steel, there were five floors, several rooms with various purposes, but everything seemed sterile and impersonal, like nobody ever stepped foot in any of those places, which somehow made them look lifeless and even a little scary â like a ghost town of sorts. Peter couldnât help but think that his tiny, mostly empty apartment felt more like a home than all five floors of Tonyâs.
Well, all except for one.
âAnd this is the workshop,â Tony declared with a flourish when the glass doors slid open, revealing a wide, open space filled with worktables, holographic screens, robots, cars, Iron Man suits, and so many other things he had never seen before in his life. âSorry about the mess.â He didnât sound sorry, though, he sounded happy and proud, and Peter thought it was the only place in the penthouse that felt weirdly cozy and homey. To his relief â and secret disappointment â, there were no pictures of him in lingerie hanging on the walls.
âThis is amazingâŠâ Peter breathed out, realizing that that was Tonyâs actual home. There was even a kitchenette in a corner, and next to it there was a small, cozy couch in front of a reasonably sized TV and a fluffy rug. He supposed Tony took naps there, too, because there was also a blanket draped over the back of the couch.
He walked over there, followed closely by the older man, and took a seat, sinking into the soft pillows. Â
âI think this is my favorite room.â He blinked up at Tony, who regarded him silently for a few moments, and Peter started to think he had fucked up again. âWhat?â He whispered, but his answer came in the form of a kiss. He immediately melted into it, all worries flying out the window as he opened his mouth to taste him better.
Tony pushed him gently until he was lying on the couch with his larger body on top of him, and heâd be lying if he said that wasnât the best feeling in the world.
It was a tight fit, but they made it work, as pieces of clothes were thrown to a pile on the floor; as skin met skin and made the room feel unbearably hot; as hands explored and mouths danced together and teeth left secret claiming marks on eager necks; as he felt, once again, full and sate and whole, and then spent and lax and dazed in the best of ways.
Suddenly, what had been frantic and passionate became slow and soft, what had been loud and messy became quiet and wholesome. Â
The room was silent then, as their bodies slowly cooled down. Tony was lying on his back on the couch and Peter was lying on top of him, chests flush together, breathing in and out in sync. He felt a blanket being draped over his shoulders and he all but melted into the body underneath him.
âCan I ask you a question?â He whispered quietly into Tonyâs neck, after several minutes, not sure if the older man had fallen asleep, his breathing was slow and constant.
âBaby, you could ask me anything right now, thereâs no way Iâd say no to you.â He answered right away and Peter giggled, pushing himself up on Tonyâs chest to look down at him.
âWhy did you want to meet me? For real?â Tony, whose eyes had been closed until that moment, opened them to gaze at him. He was quiet for a while, as one of his hands found the small of Peterâs back under the blanket and started rubbing circles on his skin.
âI liked talking to you.â He answered quietly, eyes locked on his. At first, Peter thought that was all the answer he was getting, and he would have been fine with that, but Tony kept talking. âYou made me feel alive again.â His heart raced and his breath hitched in shock. He blinked down at the older man, who raised his free hand to tuck some of Peterâs curls behind his ear. âYou see, things were⊠rough. After Thanos.â He remembered the funny story Tony told him in the restaurant a few nights earlier and was surprised to see such grief in the manâs eyes. âI had these nightmares. Anxiety attacks. Couldnât sleep most nights.â
Peter reached out and ran a finger across the manâs forehead, trying to smooth down the frown that had formed there. Tony smiled, grabbing that hand to give it a little kiss.
âPepper wanted me to give up the suit for good, said it was killing me and she wouldnât stand by and watch it happen. On top of that, my relationship with some of the Avengers was strained, to say the least. I thought retiring from the Avengers would be enough to solve most of my problems, but I was wrong and everything just kind of snowballed from there. So what I mean to say is that by the time I met you, I was⊠Fucking exhausted.â
âTony...â He frowned, heart clenching, because he could hear the pain in the manâs voice and how much he meant every word and it was devastating. Â
âI looked forward to talking to you every night, you know. Still do. I donât why you got under my skin like that, but you did. So when I said I needed to meet you, I meant I needed to meet you.â He smiled and Peterâs heart skipped a beat. The whole confession was almost too much to handle, too much to believe. At the same time, he knew what Tony meant because he had also been in a very dark place when they met and, somehow, talking to him brought some light back into his life. âMy turn?â
âSure.â Peter smiled, entwining his fingers on Tonyâs chest and resting his chin on top of them, looking at the older manâs face.
âItâs okay if you donât want to answer, I have a feeling this might be a bit of a touchy subject for you.â He cautioned, and Peter gulped. He knew what was coming and he thought about not answering, but Tony had been honest with him, so he took a deep breath and nodded.
âO-okay.â
âHow did you end up doing porn? Not that itâs bad or anything, you just sounded so uncomfortable the other night... Like youâre ashamed of it, or regretful.â Tony asked carefully, one of his hands was still rubbing soothing circles on the skin of his back.
âHm⊠Well. Itâs complicated. I guess the short answer is: I was young and dumb and my older boyfriend convinced me it was a good idea. Then he left me and took all the money and everything weâve ever built with him and â and now the only thing I know how to do is porn, so⊠Yeah.â It was a very short version of what happened, but very accurate as well. Tony frowned, raising an eyebrow.
âWhat do you mean he took everything?â
âHe told me to pack a bag and leave. Whatever I couldnât fit in my bag stayed behind, as well as the social media accounts, the channel, the money⊠He locked me out of everything.â Peterâs voice grew weaker as he spoke, because he felt so fucking ashamed. Of everything. Of admitting he let a man like Quentin into his life, that he made so many terrible decisions just so he could stay with him, only to be treated like that in the end. It was fucking humiliating.
Tony sat up in a haste, forcing him to do the same, until they were both facing each other on the couch. The older manâs eyes were wide, he looked so shocked it was almost funny. Almost.
âPeter, thatâs â why â wait, and what do you mean he convinced you to do porn? Is it not something that you want to do?â Peter dropped his gaze for a second, not really sure what the true answer to that question was. If he was honest with himself, most times he just avoided thinking too much about what he was doing. Â
âWell⊠I donât hate it anymore, I guess,â he settled on that, after a few minutes of silence. âSometimes I even enjoy it now, like⊠Like when we talk,â he mumbled the last part, raising his eyes again to look into Tonyâs warm ones, and the older man looked back at him with â what? Worry? Regret? Guilt?
âSo you hated it? Before?â He insisted, and Peter knew he could still choose not to answer if he wanted to, Tony wouldnât force it out of him, but still â Peter wanted to tell him. He wanted Tony to know.
To know him. All of him. Even the parts that hurt.
âI did.â He whispered, holding back the tears that filled his eyes when the confession left his lips, because that was something that he never wanted to acknowledge. It took all he had to hold Tonyâs gaze and not look away in shame. âI just felt⊠kinda shitty sometimes. Like⊠I wasnât even human, just an object to be used and abused and disposed of.â He continued, swallowing a lump in his throat. He couldnât read Tonyâs expression, but his eyes were gentle as always, there was no judgment there. âI didnât feel like my body belonged to me anymore.â Saying that aloud came almost as a surprise to Peter himself. He always tried so hard not to think about those feelings he almost believed they didnât really exist, even though they were always there at the back of his mind.
âPete...â Tony cupped his face in both of his hands, he looked so torn, it almost made Peter regret telling him.
âIâm doing okay now, I promise. Iâm in control of my body, my choices, my money. Iâm fine now, really,â he vowed and Tony pulled his head closer and pressed their lips together â it wasnât even a kiss, just a caress.
âI can help you.â He offered with determination, holding his face in his hands, looking straight into his eyes and they were burning with anger, but Peter knew it wasnât directed to him. âI can help you get everything back, I can make his life a living hell for doing that to you, I can ââ
âPlease, donât,â He winced, shaking his head firmly, lifting his hands to hold Tonyâs wrists, feeling his pulse and how fast his heart was beating. âOkay? Itâs in the past. Itâs over now. I donât want to â relive it, I just want to forget.â His heart raced when the older man closed his eyes and started shaking his head. âTony?â
âPeter, you canât ask me to ââ
âI am asking you leave it alone.â He insisted, a little desperately, but Tonyâs face was locked in a frown and panic started creeping up on him. He couldnât bear to think about confronting Beck, having to see him again, maybe talk to him again, he just wanted to move on, to forget he ever existed. His eyes burned and he closed them, trying to get his breath under control, but he could feel his hands shaking. âPlease, please, donât make me ââ
âHey, no, no, no.â Tony gathered him in his arms, rubbing his shoulders in a soothing way. âIâm sorry, no, I would never force you to do anything, okay? Itâs your choice.â He cupped his face in his hands again, peppering kisses on his cheeks and forehead. Peter started calming down slowly, and even laughed a little when the manâs beard tickled his nose. âYou know that I see you, right? And I mean I see you, Peter Parker, not the persona in the videos or the pictures, and you sure seem pretty fucking human to me, kid. You know that, right?â Tony kept holding his head in between his hands, forcing Peter to look back at him, which wasnât necessary, he couldnât look away if he tried.
He smiled, nodding slowly, leaning in to kiss his lips. The older man lay back down, pulling him along, until they were back to their original position. He rested his head on Tonyâs chest and closed his eyes, sighing in relief.
He felt Tony wrap his arms around his waist, holding him tight, and he thought to himself that if heaven looked like Tony making breakfast in the morning and tasted like his cooking in the evening, it certainly felt like holding him at night.
-x-
Tag list (please let me know if youâd like to be added or removed from the list): Â @sadachmesarthim @iamnotparticularlyproud @staticwhispersinthedark @bluestarker
Sorry for the long chapter, guys, it really got away from me đ„Ž Only four more chapters to goo âšâš
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2020 CREATOR WRAP + FAVOURITE WORKS + FOLLOW FOREVER
Rules: Itâs time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works. I was tagged by @yibobibo aamna thank u so muc and Iâm so sorry this is so latenfkskkfd
@yibobibo aamnaaaaa!! Youâre always so so wonderful and nice esp when you send me cute little messages I completely adore you and how youâre always tagging me in stuff! Thank you so much and Iâm sorry Iâm so lazygnskd but I appreciate it all so so much! Youâre so talented as well i love everything you post and all your wonderful cql/yibo content makes me so happy esp when ur going off in the tags! I love this (itâs just so jc and wwx and it makes me so so sad) and this (ur tags said it well itâs very sexy) and lastly, this one (itâs just?? So powerful and I love that scene so so much) Iâm sending u lots of love for the new year and I hope u have a wonderful year ahead đ„°đ
@gremlinmetawin ayeshaaaaaaaa!! Despite what you may thinkhjdkdkd I do actually love u very much đ even when ur being mean to me. I love everything you put on my dash and when ur watching stuff, despite how long you take, I always love that you flood my dash with gifs bc it makes me feel like Iâm watching right along with u. Also I know I make fun of u for tkaing so long to watch stuff but I love hearing your thots on everything and you always manage to pick up on the little details that I always end up missing. I also love how extra you can be gjskkfkdd your font for ayeshas thot still makes me laughfjkskd Anyways Iâm so so glad to have gotten to know you this year and I appreciate you so so much and I just love screaming about all the shows weâre watching together đ„ș I Ioce u and appreciate u and I hope that next year is rlly good to u đđđ„°
@teh-ohaew taayyy!! Like I said with Ayesha despite what guys think i do actually love u too even tho you favour Ayesha over me sighhh but seriously Iâm so glad weâve gotten close over the few months (2gs impact huh) and that we get to scream over the same shit to each other. I also love how u donât post shit for days and then u comeback and rb everythinggnsmmd and ur thirsty tags đ always interesting to read. Oh and Iâve told u this multiple times but this this and this all of the edits are so good and all the detail youâve put into them?? I love it so so much I also rlly love this all of the quotes you chose and the scenes?? To quote you, Britney gif yeah đ© okay thatâs it I love u and appreciate u and I hope next year is really really good to u đđđ„°
@yioh yuraaaaaa!!! I always feel so warm and happy whenever I see your stuff on my dash. I love hearing your thoughts on every show youâre watching or reading and I always find myself adding stuff to my recs. Also I love how youâre always so energetic and kind to everyone and you just excude love and warmth. Youâre so talented I just love all of your artwork so so much esp this (the concept is just so good? What we couldâve had đ) and this (bc obvs theyâre both happy and living together) and lastly this (ngl Iâve gone back and read this so many times bc it just?? Hurts so much??) hope u have a great year ahead and u get to be surrounded by cats and everything u love!! đ„°đđ
@metawwin aliiiiiiii!!! Iâm so happy that weâve gotten the chance to get to know one another this year and I absolutely adore you. Youâre always so so kind and give off such positive energy and I just feel so happy whenever I see your stuff on my dash. And Iâve said this before but I love your gifs and it shows how much work you put into them and I love everything about your blog. I esp love this (ngl I lost my shit bc hands??? Itâs such a pretty set and I always come back to it) and this (god I love this quote so much and I just love the scenes youâve chosen and just everything is just so them) and lastly this (i love how u pick up on the smallest details and parallels and this set.. I just appreciate it so so much) I lov u and miss u I hope u have a great year ahead , sending u lots of love đ„°đđ
@taytawan nuriaaa!! youâre so kind and you and your blog just give off such warmth idk how to explain it. I love all of your content, you make some of the prettiest gifs ive ever seen theyâre always so warm and so clear and pretty. I esp love this one (idk how to explain it but itâs just?? So pretty and itâs one of my fav gifs of Tine out there ugh he just looks so good and the colouring just makes it so so much better) and all of your heart-eyes sets (ahhvhdjjdd theyâre all just so nice and they just sum up their relationship so well??? These sets always make me so so happy) and lastly this (ngl I sat there for 5 minutes just being in awe bc?? Iâve never thought about this and I about lost it because???? Yeah it was never about the phone đ© and that just adds so much to the show) I hope you have the best year ahead, sending u lots of love! đ„°đđ
@morksuns sumaayaaa!! Youâre so wonderful and kind and i just love how much you love the handmaiden?? And you have such great taste in shows and movies and I just love when you rb it on my dash. I absolutely love this mb itâs just so pretty and so soft?? And theyâre girlfriends and everything about it is just so so warm and nice and the quotes.. yeah đ©) I also really love this mb (all of the pictures youâve chosen are just so wonderful and they just fit?? That yellow sweater? The headphones? Scrubb? âHi Iâm biâ jfkskfk I just find so much comfort in it) and lastly this mb (it just screams home to me and itâs just so soft and wonderful? & the soulmate definition? Yeah ..yeah ) I hope u have a wonderful year ahead, sending u lots of loveđ„°đ
@fushiguroo lasyaaa!! Youâre so so kind and lovely to talk to. You just give off so much warmth and you always seem so positive. I also really love all the sky/landscape pictures you post theyâre always so pretty and ur just so talented. You also make such pretty gifs I just love all of your itsay gifs esp this (all the yellows and it just looks so warm and pretty?? And you giffed some of my favourite scenes from the episode đ„ș) and this (once again youâve chosen some of the prettiest scenes the first one in the water?? God itâs so pretty and the last gif from that set of the sunset???! Itâs just so nice??? I love it so so much) I hope you have a great year ahead, sending u lots of love!! đ„°đ
@gigiesarocha cataaa!! I want to say thank u for putting Jeff satur on my dash because?? Heâs so beautiful?! and Iâm always tempted everyday by your ingredients gifs but I donât have the patience so Iâm waiting till it ends but your gifs of the show are always so pretty I canât wait until I can sit down and watch it all and go through ur tag fjskkfd And I love all the kdramas you put on my dash bc I always end up adding more stuff to my watch list bc of it. I love this set so so much you have no idea itâs just so pretty and I love flowers so much and the flowers youâve chosen to describe them both is just so spot on. I also really love this thank u for making this and blessing us all!! I hope you have a wonderful year ahead sending lots of love đ„°đđ
@brightwin jelllyyyy!! Youâre one the warmest kindest people Iâve talked to. Youâre alway so kind to everyone and always spreading positivity and itâs just so nice to see you on my dash. Your gifs are always so so pretty esp the colouring you always manage to make them look so warm and clear and it just makes them so nice to look at. I love all of your content but I esp love this the scenes youâve chosen are so wonderful and the quote is just.. so them itâs just so pretty. I also love this it just makes me miss them so much seeing how far theyâve come in their journey?? And ugh your colouring is always so beautiful. Also this is so pretty so basically all of ur lyric/quote sets because theyâre so wonderful and you always make them look so beautiful. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead, sending you lots of love! đ„°đ„°đ
@tichawongtipkanon diraaa!! Youâre always so so kind and everytime I see you on my dash it always makes me so happy just reading your tags. Even tho I donât think Iâve ever seen ticha in anything (I think?? I donât rmr gkskkfkd) I always love seeing your gifs because sheâs absolutely gorgeous?? I also really like this gjskkfkskkfd it always makes me laugh bc yeah he rlly is a mess and the fact that these gifs can capture him just being an idiot is so funny and I also really like this the quote and the scenes youâve chosen??? Yeahhhfnskkd sarawatine soulmates!! I hope u have a wonderful year ahead sending u lots of love!! đ„°đđ
@b-iconpearl roseee! youre so so kind and I appreciate you messaging me just to wish me a good day!! I also love all the pnd content you put on my dash even tho I havenât had the chance to catch up but all of ur gifs of esp Pearl?? And Alex? Yeahhhh I esp love this bc Pearl is just??? So beautiful I just love this set of her sm she looks so good and also this I gasped out loud when I first saw this??? Alex looks so good and the gif is just so pretty and warm. Also I really love this the movie is just so dear to my heart and I love it so much and your set is just so so so beautiful and the lyrics yeahhhh so good! I hope you have a wonderful year ahead! Sending you lots of love đ„°đ
@pangwave dawnnn!! I love seeing you on my dash youâre always so kind and I love hearing your thoughts on the shows ur watching. Also ur gifs are always so pretty esp the recent morksun au you did, it was so interesting and I just loved it so much. I also really like this itâs so pretty and I love all the scenes youâve chosen and the quote... yeah and the colouring is so warm and lovely. I also really like this god itâs one of my fav scenes from the show and I just love it so much. I also really like this it was such a small moment but handholding is just so...good and the set just looks so soft I love it I hope you have a wonderful year ahead! đ„°đ
@khaotungthanawat sammm!! Idk if Iâve mentioned this before but you make some of the best sets ever especially when it comes to finding parallels between shows. And youâre so creative and itâs so clear that you put so much work into ur gifs and they always look so so good! I especially love this itâs just so creative and looks so beautiful and how each weather just perfectly describes them? Just amazing and this one bc I had no idea there were so many reflections and I saw ur set and just had to take a moment and this one the colouring is just so pretty and itâs one of my favourite scenes ever and I just love it so much. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead of you!! đ„°
@teepakornaekaranwong orthyy!! I love how ur still keeping the 2g tag alive and that youâre always rb them on my dash. I esp love this you really combines the show scenes with the song and just made it so much more impactful?? And i just love all the scenes youâve chosen itâs so beautiful. I also really like this and all the other ones in the set because theyâre so funnygkkskfd and also this + all the other ones they always make me laugh bc you really did choose such perfect text post for each scene/character! I hope you have a wonderful year ahead!! đ„°
@asianmelodrama faizaaa!! I think this goes without saying that your content is always so beautiful and wonderful. And you have such a way with words as well, I just love reading your answers, posts and tags and it just feels so warm and safe . This has to be one of my favourite posts ever because there was so much potential?? So many hints?? And we couldâve had it all and I just love this set so much. I also really like this because their friendships were really so beautiful and I just wish weâd gotten to see more of it but what we did see, it was just beautiful. I also really like this (itâs so beautiful and I love winteam so much)and this bc jackzhaozi were so good. I love the character studies you did on tine and sarawat they were so raw and beautiful, like I said you just have such a way with words it was just so beautiful. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead of you!! đ„°
@toptaps zeeyyy!! You make some of the prettiest content ever and youâre just such a nice presence on my dash and you just seem so kind and warm. This has to be my favourite thing out there because when I heard that like, all of their scenes were just playing in my head and this set just captures everything we couldâve had :(( I also really like this the way youâve morphed the gifs, the text and colouring of it, itâs all just so pretty. I also really really love this once again itâs so beautiful?? The way youâve morphed them together and the quote youâve used and the font and earnpear really is superior. Especially that first gif it looks like earns so taken aback by pear :((( and itâs so nice. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead!! đ„°
@soulmatelines jo!! Youâre so kind and itâs always been so nice to see you on my dash even though I know you must be busy rn I hope youâre still taking care of yourself. You also make such amazing content, I especially love this everything about this set is so good we go from tender to raw feelings and itâs just so so beautiful. I also really like this bc I love love all of kurosawas thoughts and all the little insecurities he has about himself god it just makes him that much more real. I also really like this itâs just so pretty and I just love the whole concept of it itâs so well done. I hope you have a great year ahead of you!! đ„°
@gunsatthaphan Doreeennn!! youâre so so nice and lovely and I lose reading your thoughts on things. Also thank u for always tagging me in stuff and im so sorry im always late to it. But youâre always a delight on my dash and I just love all of your content. I especially love this parallel just bc of how significant this line was in the whole show and I just love the coloring on it and everything about it. I also really love this bc OhmFong are so cute and I missed Fongâs little jumps when I was watching it but them I saw your gifset and cried over how cute he is. Lastly, this one... i love this one so so much bc it was just so powerful and beautifully said and it was just so so good and its one of my fav scenes. Oh and bonus this one because I love wyel so much and tht quote.... just adds everything to that scene and ugh everything about that set is just so wonderful. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead, sending lots of love!đ„°đ
@wjmild kyliieeee!! anytime I think of you I always think of tsoa or lee thanatnfkkfd which thank u for always putting him on my dash bc I love looking at him. Itâs always so nice seeing you on my dash and reading your tags and thoughts on things and youâre such a great content creator. I love this so much thank u for compiling all of their little moments together, theyâre just so cute. I also really love this wyel is so superior and I just love them both so much and this scene was just so cute. I also really love this even tho I havenât seen all the shows, i love handholding and you just hit the spot with this and this set is just everything itâs so beautiful. I hope you have a great year ahead of u, sending lots of love! đ„°
@cherryysundae monicaaa!! I absolutely love all of your content and youâre so kind and such a wonderful presence on my dash. you also make such pretty gifs. I especially love this everything about this scene was just so so beautiful and you made it even more beautiful with your wonderful colouring I just love how the shades of flower reflect on wwx and lwj (idk if that makes sense but gjskkfkd). I also really love this ngl made me really really sad especially with all the wwx and yanli scenes :(( but this trio was literally everything and you just compiled all of their beautiful scenes together and heartbreaking scenes. I also really love this that gif of jc smiling?? So precious and just all the purples and the zidian? I just love it so much. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead!! đ„°
@leoyunxi ashiraa!! your content is always so so beautiful and I especially love your colouring itâs so beautiful and just gives makes the gifs seem so warm. I especially really love this wwx looks so pretty here and the colouring just makes it so so much better. I also really like this, this scene was just everything?? And the way they just glance at each other and I just love how warm the gifs look. I also really like this one of my favourite posts of them, you managed to gif all the wonderful scenes of them that I absolutely adore and they just look so good?? I can always tell that itâs your gifs because you have such a distinct colouring style and itâs always so so wonderful to see on my dash. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead!! đ„°
@bright-vachirawit mariii! I hope youâre feeling better now and that youâre staying safe! Youâre always such a wonderful presence on my dash esp bc I find weâre more or less usually watching the same shows and I just love all the content you create for it. I especially love this itâs one of my favourite scenes and it came out so clear and just I love how vibrant the red is and itâs just so pretty. I also really like this I also really love this scene and just the colouring is so so pretty and I just love that you added the caption because it just ties it all together and itâs just so wonderful. I also really like this itâs really pretty and I love the fond you used. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead! đ„°
@sarawatine nicoleee!! itâs always a delight seeing you on my dash and I just love all of your content. I especially love this that you paired up each of the lyrics with the scenes from the mv and itâs just so so wonderful and it looks so pretty. I also really like this Idk how many times Iâve screamed over this but this post just confirms that sarawatine soulmates honestly and yeah that last line I could cry. I also really like this Iâm a sucker for parallels and this one was just so cute and I just love how soft this set looks. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead! đ„°
@brightwinfilm nath!!! I love all of your content, all your wonderful 2g/bw content and it just makes me so happy. I really love this that youâve giffed all of their scenes at their home and theyâre just being so domestic and cute together itâs so wonderful. I also really like this one gjskkfkd it makes me laugh because theyâre so dramatic and your caption just makes it so much better but yeah this was really nice. I also really like this the tension in this gifset but theyâre also colored so nicely and I just love everything about it. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead!!đ„°
@kimmonv violet!! I absolutely love all of your gifs and all the content you put on my dash. I especially love this honestly a whole ass mood and it made me really excited for the special!â I also really like this i love the handholding and this scene was just... so beautiful and the dialogue and ohâs surprised face? This scene was everything and I just love this so much.and lastly this this scene was so funny gjskkfkd and I love how you adding the bonus scenes it makes it so much better!! I also love all of you gen y gifs!! Theyâre always so pretty and always look so clear and colourful. I hope you have a great year ahead!!đ„°
@vihokratanas meeel!! Youâre always such a delight on my dash and I love seeing your content. I especially love this it just looks so pretty and and I love this scene as well! This definitely is one of the best locations just look at the beach. I also really love this the scenes youâve chosen just go with the song so well and it just ties it all together. Itâs all just so wonderful and I love it so much. I also really love this this scene was just so good and the way youâve coloured it just makes it so much warmer and prettier and the gifs are so so clear!! Absolute favourite! I hope you have a great year ahead!! đ„°
@atpgun doraaa!! I love your content and I absolutely love all of your itsay gifs. I especially love this one, the colouring is so so pretty and this scene is just so good and so underappreciated. Itâs just so clear and I love how warm the gif looks and their relationship is just so good. I also really like this one bc Iâm a sucker for parallels and these two?? And I love that you decided to include vlads little thumbs up so cute đ„ș I also really like this one it just makes me laugh bc pp looks so evil jfkskfkskd and I think ur one of the few people that giffed the documentary so thank you! I hope you have a great year ahead!! đ„°
@jbums kaaaay!! I hope ur doing well I havenât seen you around in a while but I still absolutely love all ur content. I loved loved ur wyel gifs they were always so warm and you made them look so beautiful with your colouring. I also really like this like I said your colouring is always so so pretty and this was just so funny and their matching shirts so cute. And I also really like this one sangha looks so cute it reminds me of that gif you made of tae joo where he slams the spoon downfjskjdd but I hope ur doing well and I hope you have a wonderful year! đ„°
 @musicdramalove hiii we recently became mutuals but Iâm so glad we did. I love all your saifahzon content and your gifs are always so wonderful. I really like this one I havenât watched it yet but this set really knocked this up in my list and I cant wait to watch it bc it loooks so lovely. I also really like this one, two of my favourite shows paralleled ugjjdks I love it so much and yes hugs.. the hugs I love it so much. I also really like this one the two of them just talking about the others smile and just admiring the other?? These scenes were just so good. I hope you have a great year ahead! đ„°
@planthusbands (cass -I absolutely love ur writing and thank u so much for writing me the wonderful fic I absolutely adore it and it had everything I liked in terms of tropes. I hope you have a wonderful year! đ„°)
@itoldsunset (dawy -thank u so so much for ur wonderful translations for itsay interviews god all of them just add so much depth into the show and I just love them all so much. I hope you have a wonderful year!! đ„°
@wirapong aishi!!! I absolutely love love this set of yours, pear looks so beautiful in it and your colouring just makes her look so so lovely. This set just makes me so happy bc look at her jumping with joy ah I love it. I also really like this one god this quote... was so impactful and I just love how you used all the scenes of them dancing with each other itâs just so so good. I also really like this one you cna really see the wonder and awe in Karlâs face and I love this scene so much and them. I hope you have a wonderful year ahead đ„°
@kurosawadachi angeeel!! i absolutely love this little set of film please she is so cute and her little smile ahhh!! i love it so much and the coloring in that set?? beautiful. I also really like this it just sums up itsay and oh man.. i just love all the scenes youâve chosen and the gifs are just so so pretty and wonderful. I also really love this one im a sucker for food scenes and this really was one of the most wholesome scene in the series oh it was so wonderful. I hope you have a great year ahead!! đ„°
Other mutuals that I admire: @earthkatsamonnat (Bea) @janeramida  @gooseras (kay) @gunsmiles (Amanda)@thaitheseries (Lisa) @87s-main @87s (min!! Iâm tagging both just in case) - I hope all of you have a wonderful year!! đ„°đ
This is alrdy too long so Iâm just going to skip on tagging my own workÂ
#follow forever#tagged#if I forgot someone please lmk Iâll add u jfkskfkskd this was rlly stressful and I didnât mean to leave anyone out
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Hi hello yes I actually found your blog while I was looking for Ronon Dex whump, something there is not nearly enough of, and I just wanted to say that should you ever want to share your thoughts about him, whump-related or otherwise, I'm around to hear them,,, I care him very much (which is why I like to see him hurt... funny how that works).
OHOHOHOHOHO DID SOMEONE SAY THE MAGIC WORDSÂ âRONON WHUMPâ????? And yes there is not NEARLY enough Ronon whump!!! Buckle up I donât think you know what youâve unleashed by offering to let me talk about this XDÂ i have 43 (i counted thats not an exaggeration) unfinished fics where i whump this man so i have A Lot of Thoughts on this so iâll try to keep my headcanons and general thoughts from getting mixed up so here we go (also I havenât actually seen past season 3ish but I know like everything)
Just general thoughts
I just love the team dynamic in general the actors had great chemistry with each other
They donât whump Ronon enough and that is A Crime. Â Â
But when they do whump him OH BOY ITS GOOD
Just off the top of my head I can think of   the episode where John and Elizabeth were possessed by those people who   wanted to kill each other and ronon got SHOT that was dope especially when   it showed the surgery but I was so mad there was no aftercare
Also just the fact that after Ronon was shot the guy possessing John said (about John) something like âif only you could hear him right now he is screaming so loudâ or something to that effect and Iâm not really a John whumper but oh boy the thought of John fighting as hard as he could to try and get control back because he wants to help Ronon rlly adds to the experience
After atlantis flies and John is going around checking the damage and he finds Ronon with the shard of glass in his shoulder juts the way he kneels down next to him is so soft and his voice goes soft too its great
I havenât gotten there yet but ohoho the enzyme episode where Ronon gets drugged and then has to go through withdrawal ohooho I may have watched that scene a few hundred times
I just love also how fiercely loyal Ronon is and how much he trusts them
That ep where those villagers were going to give them to the wraith and Ronon literally would rather die than let his friends be taken to the wraith I love how John and Teyla go through like 45 heart attacks thatâs one of the ones I havenât gotten to yet but ive seen gifs and oh boy oh boy does it look good
The way I generally describe Ronon is heâs   like a bug fluffy dog. Like heâs kind of silly sometimes and heâs very   loyal and will kill without hesitation if it means keeping his friends   safe
Also just that whole scene when Ronon arrives   when John is asking Elizabeth if he can stay is just like a kid asking his   mom if he can keep a dog he found
And Ronon has such a sweet smile also I love it when hes happy (but also I love it when hes in pain)
Stargate Atlantis was very well directed because for most definitions of âgood actingâ you can see âoh this character is sad. Now they are happyâ which I do understand that many people prefer this because they have difficulty interpreting facial expressions but I absolutely adore how subtly expressive the actors are because to me itâs fascinating to decode what the character is feeling. They act like real people and talk in the way real people would and it seems super natural and not scripted, and you can just tell in their interactions that the characters care for each other a lot and its beautiful
Now that Iâve said something vaguely scholarly-like its time to move on to the mess of headcanons
Headcanons
So when rewatching season 2 with my sister I realized the amazing potential for angst involving Kell (his old commander who he killed) so in my mind even though heâs very loyal to John at first it was more of a âyou saved my life now Iâll watch your back because I owe youâ and he had difficulty trusting any of them but especially John this changes over time ofc but he canât help being wary of commandÂ
I also hc that Kell would punish the soldiers in his division for being âunfitâ for battle so like if they broke a leg or something they would be punished (this is mostly just for my guilty pleasure of ANGST) so that way they   would âbe more awareâ of their surroundings and whatnotÂ
Also disobey direct orders was a big no no and you know how laid back John usually is with orders so the first time Teyla disobeyed a direct order after Ronon joined the team John was grumbling about it in a way Teyla knew wasnât serious but Ronon just kind of panicked and started lying his ass off and saying he threatened her into doing it and he should take the punishment which led to an awkward conversation (awkward for Ronon, it left his teammates ready for some murdering)
He hides injuries because he was alone for so long and never had anyone to take care of him so he just forgets that he has to mention it and in his mind some injuries might not be that badÂ
Beckett is constantly chasing him around after missions desperately trying to get him to hold still for long enough to do a check
Ronon hates pain medicine because it tends to dull his senses so in his mind all the more reason to avoid Beckett
He is really good friends with Beckett but just not when heâs hurt
Usually he wanders into the medbay after bad nightmares if Beckett is on night shift and will just sit there
One time he hesitantly asked if Beckett could check to make sure that the tracker was actually gone for good
Ronon was expecting to get laughed at but Beckett took the request with the upmost seriousness and ran all the tests he could think of to calm Rononâs fear
One time Ronon stumbled into the medbay and he obviously hadnât slept in a while and was flinching at every noise so Beckett made up an excuse to âtake some blood to test and see if it would be compatible with vaccines for the common sicknesses humans getâ and just like. Sedated him. Ronon felt betrayed at first but quickly realized that Beckett only did it because he cared about him and wasworried. He did try to get more sleep after that tho
Oh and you can bet Beckett goes off at him if he ever ends up in the medbay which he does to everyone but especially Ronon because usually heâs either dragged there or heâll come in like âyeah so three days ago for the last mission I got hit in the side and now Iâm coughing up blood soâŠâ and then will just like pass out
While he was a runner he trained himself to be a light sleeper so adjusting to Atlantis was difficult because the ocean would wake him up every night at first
Also thunderstorms are The Worst to him because 1. It gives him PTSD for when he was a soldier and the wraith were attacking and 2. When he was a runner thunderstorms were almost a death sentence because the wraith could track him but he couldnât hide he couldnât hear and he couldnât see so yeah thunderstorms are real bad for him
He has a constant fear of leading the Wraith to his new home and his new family oh also I decided that he doesnât know if his mother died or not so every place they go heâs hopeful heâll see her
This is a hc I had before I knew it was basically canon but he and the team hang out in the cafeteria a lot especially after nightmares they just all gravitate there
Also I havenât gotten here yet so Iâm just going off of what I know but he kind of tried to leave after Beckett died because he managed to find a way to blame himself also one of my hcs is that Beckett would tell him about Scotland all the time and had decided that if they ever got the opportunity to go to Earth then Ronon was coming to Scotland with him sooo   ehehhe the angst of Ronon going to earth for Beckettâs funeral and going   to Scotland with Beckett but not in the way either of them wanted
On to softer hcs just cuz
He loves hugs. 7 years of being alone would make anyone want a hug.
Children gravitate to him for some reason. Logically it doesnât make sense because heâs so big and a bit intimidating but children just adore him
He carries extra snacks for Rodney
He canât swim. Somehow he went his entire life without knowing how to swim which Rodney is astounded by and goes on about it for a minute or so
John took it upon himself to give him swimming lessons. John was a terrible teacher but Ronon managed to get the idea
He loves cocoa, specifically loaded with marshmallows. Teyla jokes he likes the marshmallows more than the cocoa
Wow this has gone on so much longer than I thought it would
So thatâs it! you unleashed the beast. I now demand to hear your thoughts on ronon because boy oh boy hes a great whumpee and im not sure ive met many if anyone who likes to whumpe him so im super excited!!
#whump#angst#ronon dex#stargate atlantis#headcanons#this was so fun you hav eno idea how long those thoughts have been rattling in my brain with no one to talk to about#asks#ronon whump :)#(:
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ive been posting about my codex!wendy au on twitter for a couple days now but instead of just copy and pasting what i wrote on there ill actually expand upon it a little. also this post is gonna be really long but theres pictures so i hope that helps
if theres any moment where the timeline splits (not including moments before this that may have had a butterfly effect), it would be william carters train crash in 1904, which.... did not happen in this universe. he, with no small amount of shame, moves in with his rich and successful brother.
wendy and abigail grow up having, essentially, an extra parent, which thankfully means abigail didnt die. with their mother long gone, when jack dies in 1919 (not of magic-y reasons, just like... a heart attack or something), william is left to take care of the twins alone. he tries to find jobs so he could work himself to death and at least save his nieces, but due to his general lack of competence, he isnt finding much that can actually sustain them all.
wendy and abigail, who have noticed this despite williams protests that everything is fine, decide to do the smartest thing they can think of: run away from home so william only needs to take care of himself. im sure you can see why this is a bad idea, even in a universe without the codex umbra, but boy does it get significantly worse for them very quickly.
wendy gets hit by a car. abigail runs for help, but by the time she gets back, wendy is fine. and clutching a strange book.
over the course of the next few weeks, wendy and abigail manage to scrounge up a little money, and between this, wendy shows abigail some neat tricks the codex umbra taught her. abigail suggests, a bit jokingly, that maybe they could become magicians. the codex wendy thinks this is a great idea.
[transcription of text: âTHE AMAZING MARY, Performing feats to astound and mystifyâ]
at the codex umbras suggestion, wendy adopts a stage name, âmary,â and the twins perform their first show. it goes very well, and they make a lot of money, so they decide to keep doing this, and hopefully save enough to go back home and take care of their uncle.
mary and abigail perform many magic shows, and end up becoming beloved around the country. admittedly they do get a bit lost in the sauce, but theyre teenagers, wouldnt you? except, mary often times seems to forget they theyre doing this for their uncle at all. in fact, mary seems all-around real different these days.
mary becomes far colder, more secretive, and will lock herself in her study for days at a time. abigail notices her sisters change in personality, and attributes it to the fame going to her head. unlike charlie, abigail never realized quite how deep mary had gotten into the codex.
mary and abigails final act goes very similarly to maxwell and charlies. theyre going through the routine when something goes horribly wrong, and theyre grabbed by the codex and taken to the constant. mary becomes the queen, and abigail the night monster.
mary rules much like her uncle, and brings most of the same people into her world. the differences are as such:
maxwell is still william carter, who replaces wilson as the âall-aroundâ type. if he was in the game, he would only have slightly lower hunger drain, and otherwise be identical to wilson without a beard
charlie has taken the role of wendy, so to speak... winona died in a factory accident (the very same one that would have taken her to the constant in another life), and charlie keeps her soul in a rose
webber becomes the âcanonicalâ protagonist instead of wilson. i would have made it william, but it is ultimately important that the protagonist is someone uninvolved in the carter relationship chart
wilson is actually a half-decent scientist so he replaces winona, i guess
adventure mode is the same but i wrote some quotes for funsies, here we go:
A Cold Reception
Looks like you found my portal.
Havenât you learned âcuriosity kills the cat?â
Letâs see if I canât up the stakes a bit.
King of Winter
Oh, you survived, thatâs fun.
Just remember, you need to be lucky four more times...
But I only need to be lucky once.
The Game is Afoot
Huh? Youâre still alive?
Thatâs... impressive. Iâm interested to see how this will go.
Break a leg out there.
Archipelago
How do you do?
This has been fun. Youâre a good playmate.
But I think you should know I had a nasty habit of breaking my toys.
Two Worlds
How do you do?
I know you may not want to make another deal with me, but...
Iâll just give you all of this for free.
Food, gold, pigs, anything you want from this world.
All I want in return is for you to stay put, okay?
Darkness
Go ahead.
Keep going.
I think we both know what will happen.
Epilogue
You found me.
Was it what you hoped for?
Forgive me for not giving you a curtsy.
For what itâs worth, you were a fun playmate.
To me, at least. Maybe not to Them.
Maybe Theyâll find you more fun when youâre here.
Theyâll show you beautiful, terrifying things.
Itâd be best if you didnât fight it.
Iâve worked so hard to make this world.
Iâve made it so pretty for Them.
I thought I was so smart. So needed.
But even Queens are bound to the board.
In the end, I canât change the game.
Iâm not quite sure what They want.
Perhaps weâre just performing for Them.
Though that may be my mind playing tricks on me.
Hm. What year is it? Time is weird here.
Go ahead, stay as long as you like.
Itâs not like I can throw you out.
Or you could put the key in and get it over with.
Itâs a lose-lose situation.
Thatâs life, though, isnât it?
...I think Iâm done for now.
i also drew some disconnected cyclum-ish comics:
[transcript of text:
Mary: "After all I've done, you still help me. Why?"
Webber: "We trust you."
Mary: (offscreen) "I don't understand."
Webber: "If you were gonna do something, you already would have."
Mary: "I just don't understand."
Webber: (offscreen) "It's okay, Mary, you don't have to."]
[transcript of text:
William: "I missed you so much! I was worried sick, I can't even be mad at you..." (rambling)
Mary: "I... I'm sorry, do I know you?"]
im very much still developing this au but thats what i have so far.
#cant catch me gay thoughts#dont starve#don't starve#hi dont starve tags hope you have fun with this one <3
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