#ive got friends i need to keep in touch with. on tumblr. other parts of the internet and irl

[diah-the-demon]

You ever just feel like you are stretching yourself too thin

Cause thats me rn

[metukika]

ok you needing a second to understand that tumbel in tumblr saved me from my embarrassment for having misread your message xD hell yeah haha

maybe you could write us a lil post about your favorite character & why they are that :D (soz for not doin it myself i‘m not feeling like putting anything out there today)

and don‘t decide that you won‘t ever contribute to a bigger project that touches people yet !!!!!! YOU‘RE SO YOUNG you‘ve got the whole world waiting for you and you‘re ALREADY so good at art though. your art is already touching people, no reason why that shouldn‘t work if you should ever work with others on a bigger project!!! GET OUT THEREEE i mean also take your time but IF YOU WANT THAT ABSOLUTELY SHOOT YOUR SHOT KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN FOR OPPORTUNITIES i‘d personally love to see your work in something bigger :D nothing‘s set in stone <3 <3 <3 !!!

aww thank you so much anon! idk who you are but youre so kind to me... thats so nice!

about the whole future thing... i know i have a lot of time but i think because of some stuff coming up soon (when i leave school) im stressed about the future and my decisions in it entirely. idk what im gonna do if i need to go to the military lol like what job to take... i havent started driving and i dont understand shit about all the other stuff thats attached with going to the military im just stressed in general. i dont wanna end up staying in my parents house forever ig.

but i have a lot of time and i know that even if my connection with my friends fade away when they get recruited (which is... also something that could happen... oh god i dunno how to make irl friends) i still have my family, and probably the online world too. if i open commissions im pretty sure id get some work, but i dont think i could do that too much cuz i hate drawing things i dont wanna draw.

but, again, who knows what will happen. ill be fine haha, especially if there are people like you who care enough to write messages like these. most of my online friends are from twt so its always nice to see a tumblr fan <3 thank you anon.

(im realizing how depressed this is all making me sound like i promise its just my school hammering in the importance of the military signs up like i dont even know what part of the mess ill be in most of the time theyre teaching shit that doesnt concern me. im okay, im not dying!!)

now to actually talk about my favorite character! woohoo! happy topic change!

for the two people who read this and the one thats actually gonna read till the end, im putting a cut so this isnt annoying on ur dash (note to anon: this post is so so fucking long i know u prob asked me my fav character to cheer me up but dont force urself to read this whole thing just to be polite lmaooo but id appreciate it if anyone did cuz holy shit)

something that ive realized a while back is that usually when it comes to favorite characters of media, i have a type.

when i made this the character i had in mind where souda (danganronpa), aiura (saiki k) and teru (mp100).

after making the tweet i also thought of denji (csm) who fits right in, and also bakugou (mha) who doesnt, but he looks like half of the characters i did mention lol.

i think the whole social but nice thing came to because of all those shows and stories where the popular kid in school is the mean bully.. maybe i dislike this trope cuz i havent personally experienced any kind of bullying in my school, even as an observer so i cant relate to the experience of having this type of antagonist. the worst it ever got for me was when in fifth grade a girl made fun of me for crying and no one laughed. (shes still in my class over six years later and shes really nice not ufhduh were not friends but were friendly and i dont hold a grudge). maybe its just cuz im wholesome so i dislike any type of negative character. maybe.

that might sound stupid cuz i said i like bakugou, who i used to think of constantly, like for the entirety of 2021 he was in my mind it was annoying. but idk man not all my favs fit into this category ((shinguuji, saihara, yuuko, tweek (who also looks like them! what the fuck!) yuudai from sakana (why are they all blond?!? and men. more female characters what the fuck) barf bag (yes im an object show fan good morning)))

anyways. i like the popular but nice trope is what im saying. why are they all simps? i dont know honestly only one of the characters that i mentioned at the start is simping for someone i ship them with (terumob) (but the reason i even like teru in the first place might be cuz i saw terumob art, thought it was cute, and decided to search more art. i do that with a lot of characters when i dont watch the show (from the original list ive watched all of saiki k, watched playthroughs of the first 2 dr games, watched like a season of mp100 years ago and watched like 2 seasons of mha even before that. i get my filling of plot and character from meme videos, fanart, and fanfics. i understand enough.) and i get hooked on the ship (more examples include akiangel, kiribaku and the two gay boys from evangelion. a lot of homo happening. also whatever the fic version of this is but with denji and yoshida).

about the simping and the bakugou being mean-- i accept my character's flaws!!! i dont erase them!!! bakugou is an asshole and thats why i wanna see him get punished and learn from his mistakes, even if its a little hard! a great fic where this happens (but isnt the main storyline) is quirk: knife! which is probably my favorite non ship heavy fic, check it out!

my fav characters have flaws but just like how you need to embrace flaws in the people you love, whether that means helping them get better or accepting them, i embrace these flaws cuz it makes them who they are! souda, denji and auira wouldnt be themselves if they werent pushing the lines with their crushes and idk what the fuck bakugou would be if he wasnt what he was.

alright lets actually start talking about my favorite character now.

so, right now, my favorite character of all time is-- ding ding ding-- kazuichi souda! who i already mentioned.

look at him! idk if the one and a half people who are reading this know him, but if u know denji, who is a more popular character atm, then imagine that but more wimpy.

the first time i encountered this character i was watching game grump's playthrough of the second game. i watched their first and enjoyed it but didnt really join the fandom. i didnt know anything about the second so i was going in blind like arin and dan, so theres a chance that whatever i thought about the characters was biased and connected to how they feel.

at first i really liked his design. a lot of the characters have small and complicated details but souda is probably the most simple design, not including hinata, but unlike him souda has a lot of bright colors that draw the eye in! i dont particularly prefer designs with sharp teeth but i think its a pretty nice quirk, since its another part of him that makes him look intimidating. theres a headcanon that he filed themselves but i honestly think he wouldnt do that, and prefer the headcanon that its genetic, even if it makes less sense. but danganronpa, and their designs, dont make sense. i think these little strange quirks are better when they arent thoughtout or have reason. he has sharp teeth becuz. just cuz.

if u dont know what happens in the game im just gonna say that the plot doesnt really matter, cuz really the only growth souda experiences is with his relationship to hinata (the main character) and his trust to his survivor friends that makes him stronger and convinces him to leave the virtual reality. im not gonna be talking about the plot in detail. i also havent watched the anime so im not gonna get into whatever he does there. i do know that he makes some cute faces in it, which is pretty awesome.

but, yeah, besides his design, at the start i truthfully didnt really like him lmaooo he was kind of stalkerish towards sonia (ill prob get into their relationship later), he is also a wimp but honestly... i get it hes stuck in a killing game i would be scared of anything too. i feel like of all of the cast, from all the games, souda is probably one of the best depictions of an actual teenager that might exist. of course he has his obnoxious moments, but in a way that a dumb teenager would have. i dont know when i started liking him, maybe after discovering soudam? hmm.

kazuichi is the ultimate mechanic, which is one of the talents in the game that actually gets used? he makes the communicators in chap 3 and fixes the elevator in chap 4. besides that, he is also important to the second chapter since he helped tie up komaeda and he also brought hinata to the diner, though that has nothing to do with his talent.

he learned to be a great mechanic from working at his dad's repair shop or garage or whatever its called. its mentioned that their family is pretty poor, and i think the concept of a character being at one point or another un-wealthy pretty interesting (did that come strange? sorry). he worked to help get their family money he is a good boy, he mentions being better than his dad too. he doesnt look like the typical mechanic, except from the greasy hair and jumpsuit (im talking specifically about his color scheme) and thats another one of those quirks that make no sense but i just like haha

speaking of his parents, lets talk about a popular headcanon that fans have of souda's dad (before we start i wanna state that my opinion on this topic and the topic of souda relationship towards sonia and his trust issues were all stem from an analysis video of him on youtube, if u know u know, so if i want someone more competent talking about it go there, but if u dont care enough to research it or ure only reading because u like me and wanna hear me talk about something i care about dw im gonna go into detail about these anyways

the hc is that souda's dad physically abuses him. i wanna talk about why dont agree (if u wanna skip this part ill put *** when it ends so just go there <3). this hc stems from a story he tells hinata in one of the free time events where he didnt go to his previous school trips because he wanted to save money for his family, even though he really wanted to go, and he says something along the lines of how his dad "beat the crap outta him" when he didnt go.

do i think his dad hit him? probably. i dont really know how common this type of discipline is in japan, or in places with more un-wealthy people so this might be normal to them. does that make that okay? obviously not. but if the only example we get for him hitting souda is after souda does something good for the family in his own expense, it wont make sense for his father to be mad about it, right? i think he was upset his son had to give up his happiness for them, even if it was to save money. the analysis vid said it might be souda just using more dramatized words for it. He was hesitant to tell hinata that he was picked on at school, i dont think hed just admit to being abused so casually. i think his dad might have smacked him from time to time when he was younger but probably stopped the more souda grew up. if his dad really hated him he wouldnt beat him after doing something that would benefit the dad, is what im saying.

also i think that the way souda acts doesnt reflect someone who would be regularly abused... its not like im an expert, but if we for example look at tsumiki, who was canonically abused and bullied regularly, we can see a great difference. yes, souda tends to be caught off guard or scared of stuff, but usually its less of other people and more about the situation around him. he was scared of monokuma and the monobeasts and the morning after the killing gama announcement. he's also generally not that apologist about his stupid behavior... for example he doesnt feel remorse for tying up komaeda, and even threatens to tie up kuzuryuu too. i also think he said something about wanting to punch one of the other guys? this might be cuz he tends to blurt out his thoughts stupidly and doesnt know how to hold his tongue (something that, if he was abused, would probably get him in trouble) but he never recoils from what he said. he whines about being judged, like after letting slip that he was thinking of sonia in a creepy way, but he never goes back and is afraid that someone might punish him or hurt him. like how tsumiki apologizes for the smallest thing at claims that she'll take any punishment.

it might also be because i generally dont like hcing characters with abusive parents haha. i know for a lot of characters its a part of what makes them who they are, but if thats not the case i feel like its always to excuse the character from some frowned upon trait they have.

its a bit difficult to explain so ill take an example from a different character from a different show. todoroki from mha was abused as a child, and its a part of what makes him him, and its a big part of his character, even if hes not in that situation anymore. i wont deny it. now, theres a hc that some people like to believe about bakugou's parents, specifically his mom, being abusive. this isnt canon. first of all everyone is entitled to hc what they want but a lot of the time i feel this is a way to explain his asshole behavior (also i just love mitsuki). i dont like excusing his fucked up actions and blaming his parents. i think that him being an asshole from the ideals that he himself made is kind of what made him interesting. he believes in what he learned from his own experiences that he and only he had. his stupid child thinking made him the gross person he is, and thats way more interesting than blaming his parents' behavior, like we can do with reason in todoroki's case. todoroki acts antagonistic at the start of the show because of the pressure his dad put on him.

now going back to souda, by making his dad abusive a lot of people linked that to him being a creep towards sonia. while i do see how his parents and their expectations might be a motivator, i prefer to blame souda himself for his wrong actions. i dont want to excuse his actions like that. its more interesting to see him grow from the ideals and reasonings he made himself.

***

now let's talk about his relationship with hinata! woo!

canonically, hinata is the person souda is closes to in the game, even though most of the time hinata is just tolerating his stupid behavior. except in his free time events maybe. their relationship is probably the biggest character development souda gets.

lets talk about his past a little more.

souda tells hinata that he used to be picked on for looking like a nerd. he had black hair (but i hc it more like dark brown, because reminder this is a post gushing about my fav character first and an canalization second), brown eyes (in hc world dull pale brown cuz a lot of the char's eyes are dull and pale colored) and glasses (hc: thin and rectangle shaped). he's not really a nerd... except that he's probably good at math and that type of things, since he builds machines and all. if i remember correctly, he says his bullied got away with what they did because he tends to be naive and trusts too easily. he was also used by his best friend that cheated off of his test, blamed souda for it (which he didnt really mind, showcasing how much not a nerd he is if he doesnt care about his studying and tests like that) and then kinda ghosted after feeling bad. but at the time souda was really heartbroken and felt betrayed, this whole situation gave him trust issues because that his naive heart cant tell when someone really wants to be his friend or if they'll drop him when they dont need him anymore.

souda and hinata start off being friends because souda didnt like any of the other guys enough (fair enough, hinata is the most normal one lol) and he tolerated him enough to go to the diner on the second island to spy on the girls with him. at the time kuzuryuu was still an asshole to everyone, but the two do get friendlier after the second trial (survivor boys bff agenda. i did say "bff coded" didnt i?)

souda tells hinata that after his ex best friend left him, he kinda went through something-- he dyed his hair, put in contacts, and pierced his ears (which i like to think was really scare to him) (and i assume this is when he started to wear bright colors, but i like to think he was always a fan of them (aiura and teru kinnie)) to make himself more intimidating (like i said in the list! remember the list?!) so that he wont be picked on. i assume the bullying he experienced was more emotional that physical, and he was probably called names for his nerdy appearance and was made to do tasks for toxic friends and somethings like that. tsumiki was physically bullied and she has bandages all over her design while souda rolls up all his sleeves and has his collar bone exposed while there is no marks on him. maybe he's have some scars from beginner's mechanical mistakes but thats hc territory.

anyways, because of his appearance change, he got some attention from flirtations girls and said that it had intimidated him. i imagine that while he was in his nerd looking mode, he didnt get much attention from the other sex so when they only started approaching him with the assumption he's some punk badass, that was probably a bit overwhelming for him and thats why he has a strained relationship with the female sex. he does kind of sexualize the girls, specifically in the second chapter, but honestly its not really that bad. it kind of even feels a little forced, like he said nanami had "huge jugs" and wonders if this "is what moe gap is" or something like that but he doesnt even say anything about wanting her lmao. the only girl he really shows any interest is sonia, and he mostly gushes about her beauty, instead of her body. not that thats really any better ofc.

he does get along with some of the girls or at least acts normal and not incel-y towards them, like whenever he's angry at saionji, when he felt awkward next to tsumiki or when he made minimaru for owari (though he did mainly do that to impress sonia). when alter ego enoshima suggest putting him between her boobs or whatever batshit crap she said he just yelled he's get crushed, so like. good for him for not being toooo bad. so yeah i do think there are reasons why souda's best friend woudlnt be a girl (for now, at least) and thats why it really is hinata.

and while hinata has other friends, his and souda's connection is special <3 some examples: he is friends with nanami, but they dont really get each other, or at least hinata doesn't feel too connected at her at times cuz shes like a robot and doesnt really get emotions to the full extent. canonically, his and komaeda's relationship is just not... bros, yknow? whatever it is its not "bros". he and souda are bros. i know that he and kuzuryuu consider each other brothers but i feel like while the friendship they have is great, hinata would be more comfortable just letting loose and being stupid with souda. they could connect by being stupid together and distracting one another from the bad in the world by being fun. cuz souda can be fun when he isnt stressed.

but since souda is an emotional character (i dunno if i mentioned this, if u didnt know souda beforehand hes emotional as shit and cries constantly, my beloved) they can get close the two of them emotionally and are empathetic enough to be able to comfort each other. that is, when souda trusts his enough to do that.

thats right. as much as id like to say souda is loyal like a dog, he doesnt really show that in the game lol. because of his experience with his ex friend, souda has trust issues, which i think i already touched upon (idk this is so fucking long im tryna go thru this one topic at a time but good god) and these issues come up in his and hinata's relationship, mainly chap 4. to put it simply cuz honestly the plot doesnt really matter in this context: souda suspects hinata to be a traitor, and because in chap 4 the characters are not allowed to eat, this probably makes him more stressed and causes him to think even more rationally. after the chap is over, in souda's last free time event, he invites hinata to the beach and order him to punch himself.

his actions are really silly here, but basically: hinata shows in souda trust, which makes souda feel like a bad friend, because he couldnt bring himself to trust hinata even though hinata didnt do anything wrong. he feels that their friendship is unfair and that he's the cause of this problem. so i guess he knows he'll get into an argument or a fight because of it, or maybe he wants to give hinata a reason to not trust him so he bring hinata to the beach so they could fist fight. but souda doesnt like to harm people cuz soda is a good boy tm so he asks hinata to do the work for him (which he does not do lol. they communicate and talk like normal friends). this is where souda tells hinata about his past being bullied, after in the last free time event hinata said he could see souda hanging out with the cool kids, so this is where he confides that hes not a cool kid. anyways souda comes to the conclusion that hes more scared of being a bad friend and a coward because of his trust issued that actually being betrayed, and tells hinata that he'll trust him. hooray!

in my mind they are suchhhh good friends. i dont mind shipping souda with a lot of the characters, but it think their friendship is the most important to me. i love them!

now lets get into his relationship with sonia!

i do, in fact, think that his crush on her is fake. i do think he believes in it. but he does not realize that the created a version of her brought on by her general politeness, her status as a princess and her beauty, in his mind that every day strays farther away from the real sonia. he denies her liking of the occult and other scary stuff that turns him off and he acts shocked when she admits to being a virgin (yikes. at least he doesnt really shame her. i think it just ruins his image of her-- again, yikes-- but he ignores it mostly. like he ignores her, the real her, most of the times)

i dont know why he needs a romantic relationship specifically so desperately, but i can think of why he wants that puppy love admiration that he has for her. she, or at least the way he makes her in his mind, is wildly out of her league. sure he wants a girlfriend, but deep down he knows hell never get her. thats why when she turns him down again and again he only gets hurt for like a minute. she even suggests she would rather he be the blackened in the 4th trial and he gets over it pretty quickly. this is the reason he wants to like someone out of his reach so much-- because he cant get hurt from her. he isnt being betrayed or heartbroken like his ex best friend did to him (yes this is about the trust issues again) because he never expected to be with her in the first place. by expecting failure by chasing a girl that is so so out of his league (a pretty perfect princess) he knows what he gets when hes turned down. to him, this is better than actually making an effort with someone he is genuinely attached to because in that case he might actually get his feelings hurt. we see this with his relationship with hinata, though it isnt in a romantic sense. sadly, after they become close friends, he still chases after sonia, but that might be because the player isnt guaranteed to play all of souda's free time events.

this stuff probably will take time for souda to understand. ofc this doesnt really justify his actions and creepy behavior towards her... i like to think that at some point (i constantly forget that dr is a game about killing each other and the apocalypse, but ig this can take place in here too since they both survive) he understands where his problem stem from, maybe with a conversation with hinata or kuzuryuu and he learns and he asks forgiveness from sonia and changes his behavior. the long and hard way!!! my boy did something stupid and he has to make up for it!!!! he will take responsibility because thats what good character writing is!!

itll probably be difficult to come to terms that the girl in his mind, that i do believe he actually fell in love with, is not real. he will cope <3

briefly i'd like to mention souda's and kuzuryuu's relationship i think they are bffs #2 honestly i feel that the both of them plus hinata could be the best trio they are such wholesome guys from all corners of the bro spectrum let the be friends<333 idk maybe even add owari. owari and souda sibling energy <3 this is just hc territory at this point. mioda and souda sibling energy!!!!! for more kuzuryuu and souda friendship read the fic Fuyuhiko and Kazuichi's Guide to Despair Disease: A How-To Take Care of Your Friends(?) Without Spiraling Out Of Control Story. still a wip.

hmmm that was a lot. lets talk about some hcs cuz believe it or not i dont just think of his as what he is canonically, but also what he could be!

ok lets talk about appearances (still canon atm:) he is short-- one of the shortest guys in the cast cuz fuyuhiko and teruteru dont count (thats a plus) and he is, sadly, pretty ripped. it makes since cuz he prob carries heavy stuff and moves his arms a lot for his talent of being a mechanic but when a (male) character is TOO ripped and not for a good reason (for example theres a good reason why nidai or oowada are physically strong cuz of their talents, and some characters are just himbos that deserve it like momota) i just look at them like :|. but it think souda deserves some strong arms <3 he is a cuddler. he would. i just dont think he's impressively ripped. like i think he could sprint fast, but not for long, and that girls wouldnt flawk him for his arms (if they already knew who he was) cuz all in all he is still a wimp loser and he will stay as such, please and thank you.

im a big fan of his narrow eyes. theyre just. dont make sense on him i love it. just like the sharp teeth, he is blessed with looking the opposite of his personality.

now lets talk about post canon appearances! in the world of canon, where the most tragic event in history happens and they were a part of the despair refinements and they live the neo world program (i always forget they dont live in my lil modern day normal aus, ugh), i think he would wake up still looking like how he did in his depair era. idk how long theyre like that but this is my personal hc: hair that reaches his chest, some ugly dulled down pink still sticking to the tips of his messy hair, no hat </3 but his hair is long enough that he doesnt have that hedgehog thing going on </3, no contacts, no glasses, probably scars over his arms and one over the side of his lips like that rio penguin from madagascar (also curse that show for making my tiny stupid child brain think there are penguins in the desert. at least there are such a thing as beach penguins... hmm). i think he would cut his hair to be shorter that it is in canon, a bit longer than hajime's and would resemble saihara's except brown, parted and no ahoge. he wold be dispensation by the length. he would also wear a cap (the normal way) and with his natural colors back, he would look very snuggble :)) he would hug everyone he would be the comfort giver at least to the survivors (this is the part where u realize how insame i am for him lol)

in a world where the end of it didnt happen, i feel like he would feel kind lonely for a while after school, and wouldnt care enough to wear contacts and would go back to glasses, and he wouldnt dye his hair (i just really like his naturality okay i know i said i liked him at first for his colors but this is character growth! he is learning that he doesnt need to be intimidating to get friends!!!) his hair would be a little longer than canon but not by much. i just have this au where he works in an office and there he meets kamukura (who, personality wise is just hinata but depressed) and they become bffs dont at me, and this is how he looks in that au, wearing a button down without the tie and the sleeves rolled up. i do think hed wear obnoxious colors in his free time tho <3

maybe i should get into ships a little? mostly i shipped him with tanaka because i love me some rivals to lovers that isnt angst filled and is mostly just petty. theys either be salty towards each other or tanaka would be very intense in his friendship and souda would be tsundere-ish, not the obnoxious type tho. imagine how denji acts towards yoshida. (denji and souda are actually really alike. before i knew anything about csm my twt mutual told me id prob like denji cuz i like souda and.. well he was right)

but recently i dont really focus on shipping souda with anyone as much as i focus on his friendship with hinata (am i the only one who watched gg compilations and put their faces behind the silly conversations? like i imagine their sprites laughing while the video plays. is that weird? them and also saihara&momota. cuz theyre the same relationship!!! tactful mc and their friendly dumb bro! they!!!). also if u recall i made that drawing of souda with a bunch of ships so its not like loyal lol.

also why are souda and tanaka together constantly in the anime... i think its the end song where theres a slide show of all the characters in class in places like a picnic and the beach and stuff and the two of them are almost together. theyre at the very least friends. that dynamic where they both look intimidating but theyre both so fucking stupid. frienemies. <333 they are so <333 theyd be friedns at least!!! thank you for the anime for realizing that.

i also like to imagine that he and tsumiki would be friends <3 they were both bullied, they both cry a lot and arent really taken seriosuly, at least when it comes to their emotions. i think theyd hug and cry together and be friends :) also as couple they could be very cute.

i dont really know what more to say... i think this is it! i dont know what about kazuichi souda makes me love him so much. he is flawed but not to the point of being unlikable. he is unique but can easily be related to! i care about him so much... the amount of aus i come up and put him in... i dont post so much about him, but know he is my love. ofc i dont have romantic feelings for him some ppl just thirst over their favs i wanna preface that aint the case. not cuz of his age (im close to him in age) but cuz i just... dont feel and romantic or thristy feelings towards anyone so istg if anyone says something stupid to me about that.

thats all! i think this is the longest post ive ever made? when i got this ask last night i thought id write about all those characters i mentioned at the start but then when i went to bed i thought about my answer and realized i have a lot to say lol.

to the one person who actually read until the end, if u even exist (who knows myabe this was for nothing, i still had fun), you're insane. and i hope u have a great rest of ur day. if u didnt know who souda was before this... well u certainly do now (also why did u read this?) sometimes i just gotta rant about something i adore haha. its been a while since i went all out cuz me and my irl dont watch the same shows. i hope i made whoever read this love souda! at least a little!

this post is 5787 words long... im not rereading this

[babybluelove2]

i have playlists and they r shorter than i want them to be cus my music taste is v tumblr teen girl disaster but. but! i can contribute

warning this got so long proceed w caution

richie:

i dont wanna be funny anymore ~ lucy dacus

I don't wanna be funny anymore / Lately I've been feeling like the odd man out / I hurt my friends saying things I don't mean out loud

short excerpt but there really is no explanation needed at all

~

soap ~ melanie martinez

I think I left the faucet running / Now my word are filling up the tub / Darling, you're just soaking in it / But I know you'll get out the minute / You notice all your fingers pruning up ... Let me under your skin / Uh oh, there it goes / I said too much it overflowed / Why do I always spill? / I feel it coming out my throat / Guess I better wash my mouth out with soap / God, I wish I never spoke / Guess I better wash my mouth out with soap

this song is basically just richie in his head after feeling anything romantic whatsoever. hes so afraid of going too far and he thinks he is unlovable which is stupid but whatever

~

bad astrology ~ flower face

I wish I didn't hate myself so much / Now my body's out of touch again / It doesn't get me any closer / Just to hold you in my mind anymore / When I lock the door, well, ha-ha-ha ... Baby, take it easy, nobody's crying for you ... Baby, take it easy, nobody's dying for you

this whole song is exactly how i view him but its on a deeper level than we get to know him in the movie. this song is him as ive gotten to understand him better and i know it is about an abusive relationship but its him self-destructing and pushing others away and hvvhuvicyxryhfytc although i think this can be combined with 2017 richie if u think about it in a certain light

~

venice bitch ~ lana del rey

And as the summer fades away / Nothing gold can stay / You write, I tour, we make it work / You're beautiful and I'm insane / We're American-made ... La-la-la-la-la-la, losers, beautiful losers / Wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-whatever, everything, whatever

i see this as a losers club song in general but its def from richies pov. and the ice cream line makes me think of that reddie scene from the 2017 movie

~

cherry ~ lana del rey

A touch / From your real love / Is like heaven takin' the place of something evil / And letting it burn off from the rush, yeah, yeah / (Fuck!) ... My celluloid scenes are torn at the seams / And I fall to pieces (bitch) / I fall to pieces when I'm with you

richie is such a hopeless romantic but in a more internal way than ben. ugh cherry is so him i dont even have the words to explain why. also the swearing in the backing vocals?? do i have to go on??

~

mirrorball ~ taylor swift

I want you to know / I'm a mirrorball / I can change everything about me to fit in / You are not like the regulars / The masquerade revelers / Drunk as they watch my shattered edges glisten ... And they called off the circus, burned the disco down / When they sent home the horses and the rodeo clowns / I'm still on that tightrope / I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me / And I'm still a believer, but I don't know why / I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try / I'm still on that trapeze / I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me

sorry that is such a long excerpt from the song but i couldnt find anything to cut its all so him. personally i think mirrorball is overused in describing characters but richie is literally a cookie-cutter-perfect mirrorball character w him hiding behind the voices and whatnot. a little stozier too cus i am a firm believer that richie hides parts of himself he doesnt want to burden the other losers with based off of misplaced ideas about his role in the group but can not hide from stan. i want you to know is to stan

~

angel landing ~ pretty sick

It's been too long for me to tell you / Something so out of line / But I'll just keep it to myself ... I wish I could speak and have you understand me / I wish I could be without an angel landing ... Some problems are never to be resolved / As neither one o us lives long enough / To see the other give in / Is love so clear? / Is it not distorted? / Like the way that you look at yourself in the mirror / And the way you look in person

this is one of my favorite songs ever. i think saying this song is bill is kind of a shallow take especially when it fits richie so much better. he hides behind all these fake personas because he is so afraid of who he is when there really is no need for him to be cus he is such an amazing person

~

kill v. maim ~ grimes

I got in a fight, I was indisposed / I was in despite all the wicked prose / But I'm only a man / And I do what I can ... B-E-H-A-V-E arrest us / Italiana mobster looking so precious, uh / B-E-H-A-V-E never more / You gave up being good when you declared a state of war / Eh, oh, don't behave, oh don't behave, oh ... You're goin' to the party and you're goin' to the show ... I did something bad, maybe I was wrong / Sometimes people say that I'm a big time-bomb ... The fire hurts alright / The people touch it / I can't touch it, even though it's mine

its the vibes so the vibes. this is richies theme song to me even if nobody gets it. grimes is so messy in lowk a way i love and the lyrics dont really make sense and it is just so richie. didnt she say that this song was from the perspective of al pacino in the godfather part ii if he was a vampire who can travel through space and switch genders? anyway richie

~

honorable mentions : soap~melanie (a classic reddie song from richies pov), nurses office~melanie (i see people putting this as an eddie song cus of the name but really its richie), superstar~angel landing (self-destructing loser stop it)

eddie:

vampire banquet ~ fox academy

(there is lots of repetition in this song this is just the general idea) Ivory ceilings / Burgundy walls / There's blood I can feel it / As we float through the halls / And when you bite my skin / The whole room gets dim / Vampire banquet / And we're never gonna make it / We're locked in a room / There's no getting out

this is a v claustrophobic and trapped feeling song that reminds me of eddie in how he is so afraid in exactly the way the song is scary and still somehow manages to be brave. i have lots of thoughts on this but i will leave it at that

~

oblivion ~ grimes

I never walk about after dark / It's my point of view / 'Cause someone could break your neck / Coming up behind you / Always coming and you'd never have a clue ... I need someone else / To look into my eyes and tell me "Girl you know you've gotta watch your health" / To look into my eyes and tell me / La la la la la

the above excerpt xrtcyvubin eddie eddie eddie ok. important explanation cus i was iffy and it feels neccessary. grimes wrote oblivion about her sexual assault so it is a vulnerable song and i dont want to take away any meaning from that but i think different interpretations of songs allow for music to have meaning to listeners as much as it does to the artist. oblivion has this paranoid resonance to it which feels v eddie. it is a terrified sort of helplessness that bleeds throughout the sound like he has no control over something bad he knows is going to happen to him or his friends

~

hug all ur friends ~ cavetown

Sing me a song, tell me your thoughts / I could listen to you all night long / And I don't care about my sleeping routine / I've fucked it up as it is, but we've got so much time to kill / As the night rocks me to sleep ... Life's too short / To worry about things we got wrong / So hug all your friends and let them know / You're not letting go / No, I won't let go, oh ... When the night turns cold my thoughts feel like stone / And it's nothing I can't change / But I can't breathe anymore / I forgot how to walk by myself / I could do with a little more of your help

i think people dislike cavetown but i only know like four of his songs and this one is in fact eddie kaspbrak coded so....eddie is just so caring and people seem to forget that. they need to stop doing that

~

recess ~ melanie martinez

I was too young / To see the truth / In my grandma's lap, I'm drowning in her perfume / Too naive to even care / 'Bout the words she whispered while she brushed out my hair ... When I get upset / I think in my head / "I do as she says" ... People gonna try / To tell you that you're fine with dollars in their eyes ... Don't let them hurt you, baby / Just say, "Recess, I'm tired"

the majority of this song just boils down to sonia fucking kaspbrak and her fucking w eddie's mind. that bitch

~

grow ~ conan gray

Yeah, I think I'm ready for / Running on concrete / Electricity / I finally can breathe / I think I'm ready for / Only you and me / We made it out, it seems / I made it out, it seems / I think I'm ready to / Grow, to grow / To grow, to grow / Yeah I see it comin', I see it comin' / Oh boy, I'm runnin' / And oh boy, I'm runnin', runnin'

after everything is said and done, this is eddie. this is eddie who he was meant to be. let him run let him run let him runrunrun

~

honorable mentions : another life~flower face (reddie love song from eddies pov), isobel~flower face (i cant tell if this song is so him or if it is the furthest thing from him ever), germaphobe~mim jensen (the name. its a shallow take but u can have it if u want)

stan:

birdhouse in your soul ~ they might be giants

I'm your only friend / I'm not your only friend / But I'm a little glowing friend / But really I'm not actually your friend / But I am ... Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch / Who watches over you / Make a little birdhouse in your soul / Not to put too fine a point on it / Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet / Make a little birdhouse in your soul

this fuckiniggfhaib song about a nightlight makes me think of stan every time it comes on. free me of my birdhouse-in-your-soul-stemmed stan brainrot please

~

mini alex g speed round

the same ~ alex g

I was a girl / I was the only kid in the world, I thought I knew / What it meant to you / But I'm wrong / I'm wrong, I'm wrong ... I'm not okay / In fact, I'm sick today, I'm on the floor / It's such a bore / It's nothing new to you ... I'll be downstairs, let me do my hair / And put my makeup on, it feels so wrong / You say "Rock on" / I'm not the same ... Too fast, too slow, too late / You are never gonna make it / You're never gonna make it

this song is obviously from the perspective of a girl but it is a girl who thinks the same way stan does. how he is so set on his world view but that gets messed up and it tears him apart. and the you he is talking about is richie. stozier best friends means the world to me

time/space ~ alex g

Hold on tight / To this time, this place / Cause everything you know / Will be erased / You were born / Inside your head / And that is where you'll be / When you are dead / You're just a boy / You are no man / And nobody you know / Will understand

same idea and my stan playlist is long and mostly characterizes him similarly throughout the songs so some of these explanations might be shorter even if all the songs are accurate enough that i feel the need to put them on this list

~

allen street ~ pretty sick

Out on Allen Street, it's 7 in the morning / If I help him up, will he give me fair warning? / Let me lick the wounds I got while I was out last night ... Nothing's gonna last forever / I feel better safe than sorry ... (tw!!) Cut myself up now, it makes me feel more holy

another song that reminds me of stans thought process. it's almost like he is trying to self-preserve but he is just terrible at it

~

void ~ melanie martinez

It's tastin' kinda lonely / And my mind wants to control me / Ah-ah-ah empty / There's rotten things left in me / Injected by society / No one here but me to judge me ... I fear I won't live to see the day tomorrow / Someone tell me if this is Hell ... Bloody, like a body that has died, and it's myself / Tangled in my own intestines

stans character arc and main barriers are all connected with his internal struggles. and his fear. the last bit of the lyrics i copied down put it so well

~

flower face!

sleeping season ~ flower face

Hey / Where'd you get those shadows on your face? / And promise you'll put flowers on my grave / You know I'm counting down the days / Wait / Our bitter hearts are made out of sand / Let me give you all the love that I have / Before it slips right through my hands ... Now this world's not right, they're breaking down your door / Why / Do you let them eat away at your mind? / Now you're walking like a dog in the night / But you look like an angel in the light

both the first and second person resonate with stan

spiracle ~ flower face

I want the parts of your hand-grenade heart / That beat slowly with anger and fear / I want the parts of you you only show / To the birds outside your bedroom window / I want the teeth that you lost as a child / That you hide in a box under your pillow ... I want your quiet, your screaming and thrashing ... I want your safe word, your passive resistance ... And I want your nightmares, the ghost in your doorway / Your paralyzed sleep and your *scream*

any of the losers to stan. the way she describes this second person feels v stan

october birds ~ flower face

Where'd the October birds go? / I used to watch them from the window / When I had eyes to see / When I was more like me ... But I've never seen a staircase without dreaming of falling ... And I haven't seen war, but I've tasted the sand / I've died five hundred times with your flag in my hand ... No man is an island, I'm the girl on your shoreline / Washed up and heaving, pathetically breathing

every time i find a stan-coded song with bird motifs a fairy gets its wings

~

lana del rey now cus i listen to so much lana

love song ~ lana del rey

We go fast, we go so fast, we don't move ... In your car, I'm a star, and I'm burnin' through you ... I'm a fuckin' mess, but I / Oh, thanks for the high life / Baby, it's the best, passed the test, and yes / Now I'm here with you, and I / Would like to think that you would stick around / You know that I'd just die to make you proud

stan to bill with how stan subtly highlights bill while still idolizing him in the way that all the losers do

blue velvet ~ lana del rey

She wore blue velvet / Bluer than velvet was the night / Softer than satin was the light / From the stars ... But when she left / Gone was the glow of / Blue velvet / But in my heart they'll always be / Precious and warm, a memory / Through the years / And I still can't see / Blue velvet through my tears

after the twenty-seven years the phone call when things were never the same. idk about anyone else but i felt stans absence and the losers did too

fingertips ~ lana del rey

Will I die? Or will I get to that ten-year mark? / Where I beat the extinction of telomeres? ... Will I have one of mine? / Can I handle it even if I do? / You said that I might / It's not fair or so they said / To carry a child / I guess I'll be fine ... It wasn't my idea the cocktail of things that twist neurons inside / But without them, I'd die / They say there's irony in the music, it's a tragedy / I see nothing Greek in it ... To get to you, save you if I take my life / Find your astral body, put it into my eyes / Give you two seconds to cry

a deeply personal and vulnerable song for lana and it fits with stan for whatever reason. the bit concerning uncertainties about having a kid and how it affected him and patty and how stan knew that he was the one that was preventing it from happening even if it wasnt consciously. and the rest of it is simply put sad.

~

last artist i swear: duster unfortunately w their depressing music

orbitron ~ duster

You know the clock is ticking down / And no one's in control / And though the orbit's all been planned / What happens when you launch it? / You're not the first to set foot here / Just another / And I know you're terrified / Like the rest of us

control. there is no control stan wants control he is scared because everything is so unexplainable

constellations ~ duster

Constellations / Put it to rest / Terror again / Horror in town / No sleep 'til then / Turn down the lights / Don't fuck around / No ins and outs

i don't really have to explain this one tbh

~

i want you ~ mitski

I want you / I hold one card / That I can't use / But I want you ... You're coming back / And it's the end of the world / We're starting over / And I love you, darling / And I am done, dear ... I found you / I found the door / But when I stepped through / There was no floor ... I want you

stan to bill stan to mike stan to the losers that he cares so much about but he feels like he will only hurt them by coming back. he cant do it he cares so much about them that he cant do it

off topic : the door line paints the picture of eddie falling through the floor in neibolt in my mind

~

honorable mentions : stars will fall~duster (this is a stan song there just isnt enough lyrics for me to justify properly putting it on this list), oh no!~marina (yeah), twilight~bôa (this song is about a love triangle basically but it just feels stan to me), poison tree~grouper (the poison tree growing in him metaphor just works for stan)

ben:

light shower ~ melanie martinez

You are the light I've been searchin' for forever / Feels like, man, I've really never felt the rain / Buried in the desert, didn't think / I'd push through the dirt ... You cranked the heat up, I was cold, my past grew mold around my heart / And all my anger, sadness, regret disappeared / It's madness, I'm not used to all this water, love, it's true

my ben playlist is short sadly but this song does such a good job at describing how the losers affected ben who is a deeply lonely character beautifully enough that it makes up for it. its the kind of loneliness that you dont recognize because you havent felt anything but. im pretty sure theres a whole passage in the book about it. the losers gave ben the community he needed and rsdtfyguhbibou

~

the state of dreaming ~ marina

Millions of girls float on that one quote / Living on their last hope, on their last hope / I live my life inside a dream, only waking when I sleep / I would sell my sorry soul if I could have it all ... All I really want is to be wonderful / People in this town they, they can be so cruel ... If only you knew my dear how I live my life in fear

i feel like i might have made this up so i apologize if i mixed up my characterization of ben somewhere with his mischaracterization in the recent movies but didn't he like to read like fiction? am i making this up? even if not this song is ben cause i feel like it is <3

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pity party ~ melanie martinez

Why'd I put my heart on every cursive letter / Tell me why the hell no one is here / Tell me what to do to make it all feel better / Maybe it's a cruel joke on me / Whatever, whatever ... It's my party and I'll cry if I want to ... Maybe if I knew all of them well / I wouldn't have been trapped inside this hell that holds me

a pretty surface level song that again has the loneliness motif. i love the heart on every cursive letter line for ben though. love it so much it fits so well

~

honorable mentions : the other woman~ldr (low blow but feeling like the second choice), puppy love~ldr unreleased (its just so cute pure love awww hes so romance ytcgvuhbjn), cowboy like me~taylor swift (does this fit whatsoever? no. am i willing to bend the intended meaning to describe ben with a song called cowboy like me? absolutely)

bev:

I FORGOT ABOUT MY BEV PLAYLIST DESCRIPTION WHAT "effy stonem more tragic less tumblr with 10x more fiery fiona apple fury" someone please stop me i was evidently upset about the manic-pixie-dream-girl-ification of 2017 bev when making this playlist. effy stonem is foul

anyway

family tree (intro) ~ ethel cain

Jesus can always reject his father / But he cannot escape his mother's blood / He'll scream and try to wash it off of his fingers / But he'll never escape what he's made up of ... The Fates already fucked me sideways / Swinging by my neck from the family tree / He'll laugh and say, "You know I raised you better than this" / Then leave me hanging so they all can laugh at me

next! (sorry)

~

fast as you can ~ fiona apple

I let the beast in too soon / I don't know how to live without my hand on his throat / I fight him always and still ... I may be soft in your palm / But I'll soon grow hungry for a fight / And I will not let you win / My pretty mouth will frame the phrases / That will disprove your faith in man / So if you catch me trying to find my way into your heart / From under your skin / Fast as you can, baby / Scratch me out, free yourself ... Fast as you can, baby / Wait, watch me, I'll be out / Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about

long excerpt because this song is bev. fiona apple in general is so very beverly marsh this song is just the one that i think is the most her. i am a firm believer that bev would listen to fiona apple. also fuck tom rogan and her dad. beat them up bev! fight for yourself! i love you!

~

melanie martinez time bc i obviously listen to a lot of her

nymphology ~ melanie martinez

Call me your nymph / Praise me for martyr, praise me for sin / Call me your muse / A sprite or an elf you cry to, then use ... Auctioned to a selfish man who thinks that he's the prophecy ... I'm not fiction, I'm not fae, I won't lick your wounds today / But I'll throw you in the ring, gift you with my sufferin' ... Diamonds and rubies, the star in all the movies / Wears me out, big pockets, I am her favorite locket ... Where did I get refined, get my cuts and my polishes?

looking at this playlist it is kinda anti-men whoops <3 same idea i love strong female characters screw stephen king and his misogyny and bevs manic pixie dream girl persona ok? thats the biggest thing to get out of these songs

recess ~ melanie martinez

People gonna say / If you need a break, someone'll take your place / People gonna try / To tell you that your fine with dollars in their eyes / Just remember / Don't let them fuck you, honey, no, oh / Don't let them try / Don't let them hurt you, baby / Just say, "Recess, I'm tired" ... Where is my time? / Gone in my mind / Gone, I can't find / Euphoria

yes this song was also in eddies playlist but its a different interpretation for bev which u can tell from the lyrics i chose to copy down. dont have much of an explanation for this one i think its pretty self-explanatory

~

a burning hill ~ mitski

Today I will wear my white button-down / I'm tired of wanting more / I think I'm finally worn ... And I've been a forest fire / I am a forest fire / And I am the fire and I am the forest / And I am a witness watching it / I stand in a valley watching it ... So today, I will wear my white button-down / I can at least be neat / Walk out and be seen as clean

bev bev bev firstly the fire thing makes me think of her neibolt version but like in her own perspective. does that make any sense? she is the fire and the forest and a witness.

"I want to run towards something, not away!" she is tired of wanting more!! she wanted to run towards something but where did that get her !! its just easier to be seen as clean !! yuftuyig8yuvoug

~

miss lizzy grant!!

cinnamon girl ~ lana del rey

Violet, blue, green, red to keep me out / I win / There's things I want to say to you / But I'll just let you live / Like if you hold me without hurting me / You'll be the first who ever did ... Kerosene in my hands / You make me mad, I'm fire again

her to the losers. her to the losers her to the losers !!!!

mariners apartment complex ~ lana del rey

You took my sadness out of context / At the Mariners Apartment Complex / I ain't no candle in the wind / I'm the bolt, the lightning, the thunder / Kind of girl who's gonna make you wonder / Who you are and who you've been ... Don't look too far, right where you are, that's where I am / I'm your man ... They mistook my kindness for weakness / I fucked up, I know that, but Jesus / Can't a girl just do the best she can? / Catch a wave and take in the sweetness / Think about it, the darkness, the deepness / All the things that make me who I am ... When everyone's talking, you can make a stand

i ended bev with this song specifically because it showcases all the best parts of her character. she has so much to give and so much to help the world after everything. she wants to run towards something it is so important to her to make a stand

~

honorable mentions : cigarettes out the window~tv girl (tv girls music is lowk misogynistic so i couldnt put it on the playlist but it is the correct bev vibes), father~the front bottoms (low low blow after family tree i am not putting this in there), limp~fiona apple (an example of another fiona apple song that is v her)

mike:

some things cosmic ~ angel olsen

I promise you my word / If we should part / My dear, dear love / You know you're in my heart / And though I may be getting older / Know that I'm coming with you / Know that I'm hanging on to / The things that you said ... If cosmic force is real at all / It's come between you and I / I want to be naked / I don't mean my body / I don't mean my body / I'm floating away

mike is the last to join the group and the one who has to sit with the memories and bring them all back. the fact that the losers had enough of an impact on him for him to do that. mike in that twenty-seven years stuck without anything to do but wait. it makes me so sad. fucking bill denbrough with his undeniable leadership changing the trajectory of a bunch of kids lives forever

~

california ~ lana del rey

You don't ever have to / Be stronger than you really are / When you're lyin' in my arms, baby ... I wanted to reach out, but I never said a thing ... Oh, I'll pick you up / If you come back to America / Just hit me up / 'Cause this is crazy love ... You're scared to win, scared to lose / I've heard the war was over if you really choose / The one in and around you

mike is such a rock for the rest of the losers. his reliability and grounded-ness is the reason why he was undeniably the one who had to stay

~

father and son ~ johnny cash, fiona apple

You're still young, that's your thought / There's so much you have to know ... And I know that it's not easy / To be calm when you've found / Something going on / But take your time, think a lot / Why think of everything you've got? / For you will still be here tomorrow / But your dreams may not ... It's always been the same / The same old story / From the moment I could talk / I was ordered to listen / There's a way and I know that I have to go away

tyfuiopojihygufty i love this song when thinking of mike. he was so young! he had dreams and ambitions and heart and and. i know mikes dad is central to his storyline but i am 150 pages into this book i have barely met him yet i want to know howww

~

mitski for mikey <3

working for the knife ~ mitski

I always knew the world moves on / I just didn't know it would go without me / I start the day high and it ends so low / 'Cause I'm working for the knife ... I used to think I'd be done by 20 / Now at 29, the road ahead appears the same / Though maybe at 30 I'll see a way to change / That I'm living for the knife / I always thought the choice was mine / And I was right, but I just chose wrong / I start the day lying and end with the truth / That I'm dying for the knife

not exactly the 9-5 metaphor that the title suggests but more a contrast between what mike thought his adult life would be versus what it turned out to be. i love the i chose wrong line in this context

brand new city ~ mitski

I think my fate is losing its patience / I think the ground is pulling me down / I think my life is losing momentum / I think my ways are wearing me down ... I should move to a brand-new city / And teach myself how to die / Honey, what'd you take? What'd you take? / Honey, look at me / Tell me what you took? What'd you take?

i feel like im running this mike alone twenty-seven years thing dry. but this song. he should move to florida. not teach himself how to die tho

nobody ~ mitski

My God, I'm so lonely / So I open the window / To hear sounds of people ... Guess I'm a coward / I just want to feel alright / And I know no one will save me / I just need someone to kiss ... Nobody, nobody, nobody ... I've been big and small / And big and small / And big and small again

this fits too well. mike mike mike the guess im a coward lineeee

~

coffee ~ beabadoobee

Don't stay awake for too long / Don't go to bed / I'll make a cup of coffee for your head / I'll get you up and going out of bed / And I promise that one day I'll feel fine / And I promise that one day I'll feel alright ... Don't know how long I'll stay for / It's okay I'll knock on your door / Won't you come down and get me? / I like it when you hold me / Tight

this was going to be an honorable mention but i wanted to put a mike appreciation song. i heart him and his feel-good-ness

~

honorable mention (only one i used my other one) : sugar water~flower face (this does not fit it should not fit but it does it doesnt but it reminds me of him for no reason at all)

bill:

r.i.p. to my youth ~ the neighborhood

R.I.P. to my youth / And you can call this the funeral ... Might go to Hell and there ain't no stopping / Might be a sinner and I might be a saint / I'd like to be proud, but somehow I'm ashamed ... I'm using white lighters to see what's in front of me ... When I can't breathe, I won't ask you to stop / When I can't breathe, don't call for a cop / I was naive and hopeful and lost / Now I'm aware and driving my thoughts, oh

this is my bill song. this is the song that reminds me of him more than anything else. after georgie he was revenge-driven and unstoppable and he had no idea what he was doing. he blamed himself even though everything was so much bigger than him. this is his song

~

lucky ones ~ lana del rey

Let's get out of this town, baby we're on fire / Everyone around here seems to be going down, down, down / If you stick with me, I can take you higher, and higher / It feels like all of our friends are lost / Nobody's found, found, found ... Finally, you and me are the lucky ones, this time ... You know we'll never leave if we don't get out now, now, now

this is a losers club song but its def from bills pov if just for the i can take you higher line. but it is from his perspective i cant explain it they arent the lucky ones but they are

~

couple alex g songs

let it go ~ alex g

It's a really big car / It's a really big part / Of a really big heart / Are you really there? ... I'm sure sorry about your son / I heard he was a lot of fun / And I'm sorry 'bout the way / That he ran away / Are you really there ? ... It's a really great place / Way up here in outer space / You know it's all just a race / You can let it go

replace son with brother. bill. the repetition of are you really there and then after the last verse you can let it go are so meaningful. this is the losers to bill

16 mirrors ~ alex g

Let's get all the years where I was her friend (let's get all the mirrors in the bottom of the well) / I thought I lost my heartbeat (this is a piece of cake, working with my hands) / This one is a page where I used too many colors (16 mirrors at the bottom of the well) / Roll it in a mirror all my work will be discovered (this is a piece of cake, working with my hands)

i will not pretend to understand this song that i love so much. the lyrics are overlapping and difficult to fully make out but something in me is saying its bill. the colors bit. the mirrors have to have something to do w self

~

a pearl ~ mitski

You're growing tired of me / You love me so hard and I still can't sleep / You're growing tired of me / And all the things I don't talk about / Sorry, I don't want your touch / It's not that I don't want to / Sorry, I can't take your touch / It's just that I fell in love with a war / Nobody told me it ended / And it left a pearl in my head / And I roll it around every night / Just to watch it glow / Every night, baby, that's where I go ... There's a hole that you fill

bill was so obsessed with revenge with georgie that it kind of overtook everything else. the losers were the only thing that kept him from going completely off the deep end

~

emily i'm sorry ~ boygenius

She's asleep in the back seat / Looking peaceful enough to me / But she's waking inside a dream / Of screeching tires and fires ... When I pointed out where the North Star is / She called me a fucking liar / Emily, I'm sorry, I just (Emily, I) / Make it up as I go along ... Headed straight for the concrete / In a nightmare, screaming / And now I'm wide awake, spiraling / And you don't wanna talk ... You know how I get when I'm wrong (you know how I get) / And I can feel myself becoming (I can feel it) / Somebody I'm not, I'm not, so ... (I'm) I'm 27 and I don't know who I am (don't know who I am) / But I know what I want

i picture this as bill to stan after the first face off w it. stans upset and bill has no idea what hes doing but he knows he cares for stan and its a weird type of unflinching trust that stan has in bill that he is upset at bill about because he knows that it will get them hurt. this is like a hc at this point but i feel like this happened in some form

~

matilda ~ harry styles

You were riding your bike to the sound of "It's no big deal" / And you're trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels / Nothing about the way you were treated ever seemed especially alarming 'til now ... You can let it go / You can throw a party full of everyone you know / And not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love / You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up ... Matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright / But I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside / You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days ... You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own

the way bills parent treated him after georgie is so terrible ughhhhhh this is the losers to bill. the last line the last line

~

honorable mentions : the greatest~ldr (the greatest loss is the loss of the losers adventures together and its just from bills pov for no reason i can elaborate on), remember~alex g (just the end with the please dont help me bit), vampire banquet~fox academy (yes it was on eddies list yes bill also feel claustrophobic in his ghost house yes they coincide), savior complex~phoebe bridgers (bill and his savior complex)

all of them:

im giving explanations when necessary but this has gotten so v long too long and most of these are pretty easy to figure out

listing ones that need nothing more from me than to list them : fire drill~melanie, new romantics~taylor swift, i know the end~phoebe bridgers(!!!!!!!!!!), new flesh~current joys, kids~current joys, be nice to me~the front bottoms, christmas kids~roar (if it wasnt about an abusive relationship. someone already mentioned this song, also), first love/late spring~mitski (the losers to bill), treehouse~alex g&emily yacina, two slow dancers~mitski (already mentioned by someone else too, this could be any of them), sippy cup~melanie

& almost every song from the record by boygenius because boygenius is so platonic love love love <3333 : true blue, cool about it, revolution 0, leonard cohen, satanist, we're in love, anti-curse

~

sun bleached flies ~ ethel cain

this song had parts that apply so painfully to a loser or multiple losers and parts that dont apply to anyone so im separating it by lyric

Sun-bleached flies sitting in the windowsill / Waiting for the day they escape (all)

"God loves you, but not enough to save you" / So, babygirl, good luck taking care of yourself (stan and bill)

If they strike once, then you just hit 'em twice as hard / But in the end, if I bend under the weight that they gave me / Then this heart would break and fall as twice as far (bev and bill)

We all know how it goes / The more it hurts, the less it shows / But I still feel like they all know / And that's why I could never go back home (richie)

And I spend my life / Watching it go by from the sidelines / And God, I've tried / But I think it's about time I put up a fight (eddie, could be any of them but so eddie)

But I always knew that in the end, no one was coming to save me / So I just prayed, and I keep praying and praying and praying if it's meant to be then it will be (mike and a little bev and maybe even a little ben)

And I forgave it all as it comes back to me (ben)

I can't let go when something's broken / It's all I know and it's all I want now (bill)

bonus ok so machine girl has this album wlfgrl that samples from my fav movie ever ginger snaps which is about werewolf metaphors cough richie tozier....its mostly rave-ish instrumental butttttt ginger claps and out by 16, dead on the scene could def fit on to a losers club playlist, and potentially excruciating deth

calling the losers’ club/it fandom!

i’m currently writing an ethnography on dying internet spaces, and want to partake in the ritual that is making a music playlist!

so, leave in tags a song that reminds you of one of the losers, and if you want to can tell us which loser it is (some songs might be obvious lol) and for funzies, tell us which version of that loser is reminds you of (book, miniseries, 2017/19, adult or child, etc.)

and if you have a special reason it reminds you of them you can say it or if it’s just vibes alone that’s fair too! i’ll start us off:

- eddie my love by the chordettes - eddie as a kid, all versions (i imagine sonia sang this to him and he hates it)

- eddie baby by felix hagan & the family - adult 2019!richie would sing this to eddie teasingly

please boost this!

[everlarkficquestions]

Whatever Day it is Today Stumped Day 36

It’s another Sunday ?? Stumped Day!

Sometimes we straight out get stumped. So every few months we will pick a Sunday when we’ll post of a list of asks that we need your help on.

In this round, we are focusing on asks for specific stories.   If your ask for a more general “type of” story is not included, it does not mean we are ignoring it, it just means we need more time to research and answer these asks.

If  you know the answer to any of these asks please shoot us a message/  ask/  with the Post number and the fic details and we’ll add it and give you a shout out with our thanks.  Any links you can provide will also be super helpful.

Thanks!

Post 1 , Post 2 , Post 3, Post 4, Post 5, Post 6, Post 7, Post 8, Post 9, Post 10, Post 11, Post 12, Post 13, Post 14, Post 15, Post 16, Post 17, Post 18, Post 19, Post 20, Post 21, Post 22 , Post 23, Post 24, Post 25, Post 26,  Post 27, Post 28, Post 29 , Post 30, Post 31, Post 32, Post 33, Post 34 and Post 35 can be found here - and there are still fics we need your help with.

597. weepingmilkshakesandwich asked:there's a fic that I can't find where Peeta takes Katniss to the lake and Effie gives Katniss a bikini that becomes transparent in the water, but Katniss has no idea. Could you help me find it?

598. weepingmilkshakesandwich asked:any where k and p go to the hob and sae makes fun of them?

599. eversnarkly asked:Hey! I was wondering if you could help me find this story that focuses on Katniss only dating older guys and eventually dating Peeta's older brother, until she discovers that he's immature and then gets with Peeta, who's her age. I think it was posted on tumblr as a one-shot and also features Rue as her friend. Rue's brother is Thresh, who's older and dated Katniss in the past. Thanks!

FOUND! Closing the (Age) Gap - Savvylark (Thank you, @daydreamsandcaffeine!)

600. alwayseverlark asked:Hello!! As always thanks so much for your work! This is the best blog ever!!I am looking for a AU- modern setting, where Katniss returns to her town and Peeta is going to marry Delly, but Katniss still loves Peeta (I’m not sure if she never told him or broke with him), they have a conversation in the back door of the bakery (they are sit down on the stairs)Does it ring a bell?

601. myminemind asked:Hi! I was wondering if you'd help me find an everlark fic I think it's in ff . net where katniss and peeta's daughter was attacked when she played in the woods..? I think the daughter's name is Grace but I might mix it up with other fanfic I read.. it's been a long time but I'd love to rediscover it if possible thank you so much for all that you do!! :)

602. crazedfangirlofmanythings asked:Hi, Hi yall! Been a bit but I'm lost. I'm not sure we're i read it, but its where Katniss and Gale go out into the woods. The have to keep away and Peeta is taken in the Capitol. She finds out she's pregnant and has to lie to the world that its Peeta even thought she doesn't love him. Anyone got ideas? It's killing me!

FOUND! Could this be Spectator by FanficAllergy? (Thank you, @rosefyrefyre!)

603. acromioclavicular3 asked:Hi! I think I left an ask of this before but I kinda remember some more details.I was looking for this smutty fic where Katniss and Peeta are having dinner, possibly celebrating an anniversary or a birthday. Katniss gets jealous at a waitress.They go home. Katniss is upset and in their bedroom Peeta asks why. She reveals that it's because Peeta was giving the waitress a smile that was hers, that was only meant for Katniss. As they begin to undress Peeta reaizes Katniss isn't wearing anything underneath the dress the whole time.Peeta proceeds to make it up to Katniss by seductively removing her clothes for her and touching her slowly saying things like "these eyes are yours" as he looks at her, "these hands are yours" as he dips his fingers between her legs....Basically Peeta saying that everything he is is "yours"  to Katniss.I thank you in advance!

604. stupidsatsuma asked:Hello! The fic I’m looking for is one that, if I recall correctly, was an angsty story with a happy ending.  Pretty sure it’s a neighbors style AU, but one where Peeta is slightly older. Katniss always wanted him to be her first, but then he goes off to college and I think she ends up asking another one of their friends (maybe Finnick??) to be her first. I can’t remember if she follows through with this other guy or not, but I am sure it was everlark endgame (because of course!) it just was a bit of a trip to get there. Maybe I overlooked it on one of the master lists, or maybe I’m even getting my fandoms mixed up? (Entirely possible, there are so many to keep track of...) Either way, thanks in advance and have a great day!

605. allflowerscatchthesunlight asked:Hey! I’m looking for a fic that was on ffnet. Katniss gets pregnant with peetas baby between catching fire and mockingjay. Peeta I think was captured then returned. When the baby is born and after the war when they’re in district twelve katniss becomes distant and lives alone in her victors house. Peeta ends up taking care of the toddler girl. Katniss slowly rebuilds her relationship with them both. Really sad :(

606. sweetjentlehome asked:hey! im looking for this fic: it is about gale’s pov watching peeta comfort katniss after a nightmare at night. there’s no dialogue between katniss and peeta as gale cannot hear them, and i also remember that it was like snowing so peeta wraps his scarf around katniss neck and the next morning in the everdeen home prim comments on the scarf. im so sorry this sounds so confusing

FOUND! Gale’s Window - JavisTG

607. supreme-doritos asked:Hi! first off i just wanna say your page is amazing!! ive read so many ffics bc of it so thank you <3   i was wondering if you know of any catching fire fics where katniss isn't as naive and actually sorta knows whats going on/is more aware that her actions have consequences? also do you know of any fics where katniss is friends with the other victors (eg she won before the 74th games or she is just nicer etc lol)? thank you so much!! :)

608. luckyphoenix asked:Hi! Are there any fics where Peeta has a nickname (From family, friends, or K)? I’ve read some where he’s called peanut by his dad or angel by K but I can’t remember where?

His dad calls him Peanut in these:

See Right Through My Walls - HPfanonezillion

Catch Me As I Fall - HPfanonezillion

Katniss calls Peeta “Peanut” in this one:

Fifty Shades of Peeta - mrspeetamellark

609. makennalovessunshine asked:I know there are a lot of fics that show the affects of Peetas abuse from the capitol but do you know of any that show the effects of his moms abuse. Like flinching when someone makes a gesture cause his first thought is that there going to hit him or anything simialar?💚

Let Me Fly - FanficAllergy & RoseFyreFyre

610. emilythelegend asked:Any touch starved katniss fics??

611. atfhj asked:Hi! Do you know of the story where Katniss was dating Gale and Peeta was Gale’s apartment neighbor. I think it started with Katniss showing up in a trench coat (w nothing under) on Peeta’s door instead of Gale’s. Also, do you know one where Katniss is Peeta’s personal assistant? I remember one where Peeta was older than Katniss and they both went to Finnick and Annie’s wedding, which was back in Peeta’s hometown.

FOUND!1) Rain, come again - orphan_account (Thank you, @emilia206!)

 - or -

This ficlet - atetheredmind (Thank you, @allie-rose!)

2) Baked - peetazeus (Thank you, @finnickfoxes!)

612. stonyspideypool asked:Hey! I can't remember what this fanfic is called but it is explicit. And katniss and peeta are in college I think they are best friends.. or it might be gale and katniss but she gives him a blowjob when he's trying to work or somethin and gale walks in but he doesn't know I can't remember what it's called.. there's also another one where she does it in the bakery. Sorry I can't remember 😅LOVE THE BLOG BTW❤💙❤💙

FOUND! Part of this sounds like the second chapter of Saint Peeta by thegirlonpeetamellark. (Thank you, @bellairestrella!)

Do any of these fics ring a bell? Please let us know!

[quietlyimplode]

Natasha Romanoff Masterlist of Fic Recs - Version 2.0 - Page 3

Page 1 / Page 2 / Page 3 / Page 4 / Page 5

Updated June 2021

This is not an exhaustive list (and in no order whatsoever) of the brilliant fic that is out there. Please let me know of any i have missed or any recs to put in and I will endeavour to add it. I have not included warnings or ratings. Please make sure you look at the tags, judge for yourself and as always take care of yourself first. (16 authors under the cut)

Andibeth @isjustprogress

Dialogue of Self and Soul - 7-7 series - Clint/Nat - Natasha unexpectedly gets pregnant, but everyone knows that assassins can’t be mothers. // Set Post Avengers: the story a spy who wasn’t made for parenthood, and the journey it takes to go from one extreme to the other. 

I took a heavenly ride through your silence - POST ENDGAME - Natasha dies but wakes up in 2012. CLint/Nat/Laura 1/1

Though I play at the edges of knowing - Clint/nat. Post Infinity war - five times Natasha looked back on her past -   1/1

Winter in the Pub - Natasha/Nebula - drinks in the pub. If only they knew how alike they are.  1/1

Pour like Honey, through the darkness - Nat/Bucky/Clint - comicverse natasha fakes her own death. 1/1

Like a shadow or a friend - Nat/Clint - asexual Natasha navigating the brave new world of shield -  1/1

That would be enough - Natasha/Barton family - one shots/prompts assorted.   57/?

The war can’t touch us here - Nat/Clint/Laura/Maria/Steve - Natasha is born in war but saved by others. 1/1

Laura Barton’s House for Wayward Trauma Survivors - Nat/Laura/Wanda/Bucky/Clint - What do you mean, bringing a few guests?” Laura asks suspiciously.    1/1

We will light up the sky as we burn it down - Clint/Nat - meet me in Montauk. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. 1/1

We are not all that stares back. Clint/Nat - tell me something true. Natasha holds onto words he tells her. 

And this is how you keep her - Nat/Clint - Natasha helps Clint heal after the avengers 1/1

If we are not spies - Nat/Clint - she’s been running, but he finds her. 1/1

Synergy - Clint/Nat - five times they spent New Year’s Eve together .   6/6

And when we’re there we’ll belong. Series - Clint, Laura and Natasha: a family’s journey, and the long (and sometimes winding) road to love. [Reading order:]

⁃i. i love only that which they defend (main storyline)    1/1

⁃ii. til the clocks run down (expanded main storyline – can be read independently but does slot into the main fic in certain ways, specifically in regards to scene placement, timing, and assumed character knowledge)til the clocks run down 21/21 

⁃iii. for the half of ourselves we have lost (post age of ultron, pre/post civil war) for the half of ourselves we have lost 19/19 

⁃iv. how to feel a tranquil life (post infinity war)how to feel a tranquil life 11/11 

⁃v. moments [the world can’t stop us] (timestamps for clint, nat and laura for this universe, can be read independently of previous three stories) 7/7 

Dancing in the dark turmoil - Clint/Nat - if anyone can find this link?? (You’re my best friend. When was I not?)

Shellybelle @geniusorinsanity

Nor we need power or splendour- Clint/Nat/Laura - a powerful look at the Clint/Nat/Laura - and how they fit together given all pasts and trauma.  18/18

If the two were one - Clint/Nat/Team - five times the team found out Clint/Nat were married - 1/1

All the transparence (in shades of red) - Clint/Nat - Clint’s broken after Loki. Natasha meets him in buffalo. 1/1

If you let me through the door, we can let the world in - tony/team. Tony built the tower - for his friends. 1/1

Like a clock in a thunderstorm - Clint/Nat - thunderstorms and confessions - 1/1

Conversations by other means - Clint/Nat - fight and a good fuck - 1/1

A gift like joy - Clint/Nat - Clint comforts Natasha (non-sexually) after a mission requires her to sleep with someone for information. 1/1

Rarely short on caring - Claire Temple /various superhero’s - Caring for others is not always so hard. 

No matter what she tells you - Natasha - 5 lies Natasha tells. 1/1

Eiluned @eiluned

Read all the smut. Seriously.

Troika series - Clint/Nat/Darcy - the deliciousness of smut - 8/8

underneath and unexplored - Nat/Clint - progression of Natasha’s emotions in 5 parts. 1/1

We make a life by what we give - Clint/Nat - Christmas Celebrations - 1/1

Play it by ear - Clint/Nat - Natasha has a secret, she loves Clint. 1/1

Know Thyself - Clint/Nat - after shield collapses, Natasha searches for who she is. 

The Cat - Clint/Nat - Natasha is stealthy like a cat. 1/1

Two Solitudes - Clint/Nat - Natasha knows Clint. Trust with secrets leads to more. 1/1

Heart Hides a Secret - Clint/Nat - series of 3 one shots. 

Five Times Clint and Natasha Slept Together (and the First Time They Slept Together) - Clint/Nat - 5+1   1/1

Scribblemyname @scribblemyname

Merry Russian Christmas - Maria/Nat - Maria wants Natasha as a friend - 1/1

Shall we dance? Clint/Nat - clint took a chance in saving Nat. She wants to find him to say 1/1

Learning Natasha (again) - Natasha/team - Natasha learns how to be around people - 1/1

They died with me - Clint/Nat - Clint says I love you, Natasha responds. 1/1

Remind me how to breathe - Nat/Clint - Natasha has a miscarriage, Clint needs her to live for him. 1/1

Deep in the throes - Maria/Natasha - Maria helps to reprogram Natasha. They become friends.   1/1

For better or for worse - Clint/Nat - they’ve seen each other at their worst. 1/1

Mitigation - Clint/Bobbi/Nat - brainwashing makes strange bedfellows -  3/3

Good with strays - Clint/Nat/Laura - Clint brings Natasha to the farm. Laura is the link to bring her to shield. 1/1

Crazy4Orcas @crazy4orcas

Underneath it all - Clint/Nat - Clint learns about Natasha’s moods through the clothes she wears - 1/1

Just what the doctor ordered - Barton thinks Natasha is perfect. 1/1

Twelve days of Clintasha (with @cassiesinsanity​) - 12 days of Christmas Clint/Nat Style. 

Kiss and Run - Clint/Nat - Natasha runs after a kiss. 1/1

Arukou @arukou-arukou 

Loop - Clint/Nat - even free of the red room she’s not free of the handcuffs - 1/1

That One Blind Writer - @that-one-blind-writer

Tumblr for the one shots which range from Clint/Nat to Bucky/Nat 

Spectral archers @spectralarchers

cute morning texts - Nat/Clint- Natasha sends Clint texts in the morning. Clint doesn’t do mornings -  1/1

Swallow your soul - Clint/Laura Clint/Nat - Clint’s past comes to haunt him. 

Wildechilde17 @transparentlyfallingasleep

In the marketplace or the Main Street you are mine - Clint/Nat - one shots of Clint/Nat - men and women loving each other without being totally derailed by it.     66/66

Flipflop_diva

If it takes three - Clint/Nat/Laura - so the thing is Clint and Nat accidentally got married. Laura’s ok with this. 1/1

If I be worthy (how can this be)- Natasha/Shuri - pre and post iw- Thor’s hammer -1/1

And in the end I’ll always be there - Nat/Tony - he’ll always find her - 1/1

The ties that bind - Clint/Nat/Laura - three decades of Natashas’ life. 3/3- can be read as 1 shots

The hardest thing, this decision I made - Steve/Natasha - Natasha has an abortion - 1/1

On this sleepless night - Tony/Nat - they both can’t sleep, he tries to figure out why she’s not asleep - 1/1

Nowhere to turn except in your arms- Nat/Steve/Tony - 1/1

Miss Jeeves

any way I do - team - tony discovers Clint/Nat got married.

Unbreakable92

warm me by your fire - Bruce/Nat - Natasha needs the warmth she has searched for so long more than ever when a kidnapping brings some violent flashbacks to the forefront.

Miss adoration @adorationamy

aftershock - Natasha/Clint- scenes after natashas brain scramble in ultron -  1/1

Builder @builder051

Nat on Fire Series - Natasha has crap coping mechanisms but she’s surviving the only way she knows how. 19/?

Creedless Assassins Series - Natasha and Clint as they make their way through. 10/?

Mohini @mohini-musing

Coming Home Series - Natasha is taken care of by Clint and Laura. 6/? Clint/Nat/Laura

Salamander

Fragments - Clint/Nat/Laura - “I know you.” “Do you?” Clint takes Natasha somewhere safe. 1/1

[tsamired]

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHAN ahrmahem OK You will notice these mostly have to do with Luz and Amity because they are my beloveds but uhhhhhhhhhh Luz Plays guitar as a hobby!! Aspiring writer Ace, Bi, Demigirl 17yo AuDHD Dense as a god damn brick but surprisingly attentive Extremely cuddly and physical. Loves roughhousing Favorite musicians are Jonathan Coulton, Tom Cardy, Louie Zong, and Girl in Red Loves drawing The Beanie was her dads before he... Knows nothing about DND other than the alignment charts. After asking the hexsquad, the unanimous consensus was that Luz was Chaotic Good. Has NO inhibition. Ranked from most to least impulsive out of the hexsquad, she ranks first. (gus is second, hunter third, willow fourth, amity fifth.) Ask her the most nonsensical, stupid fucking question you can come up with, and she'll probably have already thought about it before and have an answer ready Visits Camila weekly! Banned from drinking coffee. She's just way too much to handle when her natural... eccentricity is boosted by caffeine. If she's about to go into a massive infodump at an inappropriate time, Amity HugsTM are a tried and true way of defusing her and calming everything down. Tries to avoid any physical confrontation. The one thing that can turn her from a timid fight averse creature into a self-preservation instinct-lacking fighter is a threat to her loved ones. Got her bat as a gift from Amity on her 16th bday Once got a messenger bag because she thought it struck the perfect balance between looks cool and useful. Used it once. Amity Plays fiddle as a hobby Barista, wants to be a librarian or bookstore employee. They're just so cozy Transfem lesbian Autism 17yo Doesnt give herself nearly enough credit So very touch starved holy shit A regular at the local bookstore, the employees there know her like she's a coworker. Out of habit tries to push people away, but the people she does know (the hexsquad and staff of aforementioned bookstore) she is incredibly warm and kind to. Cares deeply about the hexsquad, would do almost anything for them if needed. Has shared this with Luz, doesnt want to share it with Willow and Gus out of fear of seeming extra, will never share this with Hunter. Never. In the little world ive concocted, witches can purr, but its a rare genetic trait. Amity is the only one of the hexsquad who can truly purr. When willow isnt around, shes the Mom Friend of the group. No matter whether or not they have a mom friend, however, it is always chaotic. Secretly loves when Willow shows up so she doesnt have feel like she has to make sure the others (Luz) dont get hurt and she gets to be free to goof off. Her goofing off is nothing compared to Luz's and Gus', of course, but still. Luz was part of the reason she realized she was a lesbian Freckles fucking everywhere Willow She/They Wants to learn how to play the flute Has an honest to god greenhouse in her backyard. After an... Incident, Gus and Luz are never allowed to be the only ones in there. Gus alone and Luz alone is fine. When they're combined without any of the other 3 as moderators, however... That cactus wound took a while to heal. 17yo Never passes up the opportunity to jokingly make fun of how sappy Luz and Amity are. Unbeknownst to either of them, Willow is a big part of the reason they're together. Willow wants to keep this a secret, sadly locking her out of "I suppose this is my fault" jokes. Has a favorite type of flower, feels really guilty about it. Has a secret handshake with the rest of the hexsquad. It's a different handshake for each member, and she's adamant on keeping them private. "They're called secret handshakes for a reason, guys!" Continued in another post because Tumblr wont let me post the whole thing lmfao

PLEASE ask me about my beta toh headcanons PLEASEPALSEPASLPELASPELASPLE

[yourclownpal]

A comprehensive list of all my Ghost au's

this post will be talking about all of the ghost au's ive created or co-created including talking about ghost au's from old fandom's that i am no longer in. if you want to ask about any of my au's my ask box and dm's are always open this includes the hermitcraft au but keep it to a minimum please also if any of the creator's of the characters have said that they arent comfortable with what im making ( with proof ofc) i will edit or delete what is needed to fit in the boundaries also another thing this is a long post if you just want the art go under the cut! this post will discuss how each au works and basic plot stuff about them the fandoms in this post are hermitcraft, epithet erased, and dsmp okay first things first-

my hermitcraft au (what a pity)-

On my old tumblr account I made a few posts about it along with a fanfic which never got finished due to me not wanting to interact with the fandom any more due to personal reasons and also I'm not very good at writing imo but I think I'm ready to talk about it again. Just keep in mind i will most likely not talk about this fandom ever again at least not on here again for personal preference : -) it was about season 6 Grian since he was who i was hyperfixating on at the time, being haunted by the ghosts of Sam and Taurtis, both of them from the old roleplay series' Yandere High School, and Tokyo Soul, and taurtis from Grians old-ish smp Evo. Since I never finished the fanfiction nobody but me and close friends ever got to hear the full story i had planned but now you will i guess. It was mainly just grian stressing about Sam and Taurtis being ghosts and him worrying about being crazy, though he would still join the hippies during the area 77 war he would be significantly more stressed especially when finding out that Sam and Taurtis have been possessing his body during the night, he’s more worried about Sam though because of his track record back in the other servers( yhs and ts) it was going to be that Sam (although death isn't permanent) would go on a killing spree in Grians body which would cause the area 77 guys to put him in the facility to see what's going on with him, and it didn't get further then that. My favorite part of this au much like all of my au’s were the design elements i had for it which i'll have under the cut with the other designs. Now for a rundown of how the ghost physics work in this world, in typical ghost fashion Sam and Taurtis were not able to touch or move anything, but they were able to interact with Grian, him being the only person who could see/hear/or touch them. Their only super natural abilities is being able to possess Grian.

Okay! Time for my Epithet Erased au!: Unlike what a pity this one doesn't have a name or a fanfic to go with it as said before i'm not exactly a writer but i have talked about it a bit before on this account along with posting the designs and general concept but i'll go more in depth here! As said in my original post this au was a co-creation with my best friend and sibling @brocolibean so go check bun out ^^ Unlike ‘What a Pity’ it was more lighthearted and comedy centric because it dealt with a bit more and also the original show is a comedy. This au didn't include the character’s epithets so they are all humans. This will also include talking about house each ghost died so if your uncomfortable hearing about that you might want to skip the ghosts portion Just like the original post I'll separate the story summary into 3 parts with intervals in between to talk about the ghosts. First we have the Banzai boys part of the story. Giovanni, Spike, Dark Star, Crusher, Flame Thrower, Car Crash, and Ben all decide to move into a house together so they could all easily split the rent since its close to their collage, the house, which they get for cheap, is aa very old house with sketchy history. But it's a huge house for cheap so they don't complain they encounter the ghosts very early on living in the house and they swear to figure out how they died so they can get their memory back! The ghosts, Molly, Sylvie, Trixie, and Pheonica have no memory! All they know is that there are ghosts! They are connected to the property of this house but if you where to get something- like perhaps a stone from the property the ghost is still technically attached to it therefore the ghost can go with you anywhere Speaking of- -Phoenicia Fleecity is one of the last ghosts to show herself, her body is found in the overgrown garden flowers growing over her skeleton, she is from the victorian era making her the oldest out of the ghosts though he death is the most mysterious -Molly Blindeff is the first ghost the group meets her decomposed body is found buried in the floorboards of the living room, found when gio decided that the house needed renovation and taking matters into his own hands, she died via blunt force trauma i will not be going into detail here because i'm still thinking of doing something with this au she died in the early 2000’s -Sylvester Ashling is the second ghost to show himself though he didn't want to, his body was found in the bottom of the pond in the backyard of the house in the garden. His body while it was decomposing and falling apart was still intact, bloated from drowning. Again i wont go into detail but this wasn't an accident time of death is unknown -Trixie Roughhouse is the third person to show themselves to the Banzai Blasters she is found in the bushes in the backyard her face disfigured from some sort of explosion unlike the others it seems like it was purely an accident, like sylvie their time of death is unknown Mera Salamin is the collages part time librarian nicknamed “the library witch” she started seeing her ghost after obtaining a neck bow with a blue pendant from a pawnshop she got it cause it was pretty and didn't expect a himbo to come along with it -Indus Tarbella is a ghost who is attached to the pendant and bow Mera wear it used to be his own until he was decapitated wearing it through he was properly buried he has no troublesome memories about what happened even after seeing his body he’s just happy to be with Mera Percival King is a security guard at the college and one of the best at that, she wields a story she got from a pawn shop as its her preferred weapon she takes her job very seriously -Ramsey and Zora both died by the same sword while fighting neither remember who wielded the sword, even after death they hate each other and hate being bound together even more Everyone ends up meeting and finding out they all have ghost hijinks ensue. The way ghosts work in this world is a bit strange I'll admit but it's one of my favorites. The ghosts can interact with the human world(menma style) but

they can only talk to the others who can see them (the Banzai Blasters, mera and percy) and the ghosts can interact with each other ghosts in this au attach themselves to an item or property that has someway to do with their death, the kids in the property, Indus it's the bow, and the sword duo is well, the sword Percy carries. As alluded to from before Gio and the rest of the boys end up carrying a bit of the property with them in the form of friendship bracelets four for each of them which makes 28 different bracelets so the kids can decide who to follow around for the day.i talked about how percy and Mera’s items work enough but i would like to mention that Indus does most of the heavy lifting around the library but becaus enoone else can see indus they assume she’s magical, the glowing pendant doesn't help.

The last two au’s i want to talk about are both dream smp au’s

though i've never talked about them online until now, again thanks to @brocolibean for letting me brain vomit my way through these au’s and helping me out with things i love them please check him out I'll be honest i'm so scared of this fandom so i'm afraid to talk about my au’s please be nice to me Also this is all roleplay and fiction!<3 The first one i'll talking about is the dsmp ghost hunters au Sam runs a company where groups of people hunt ghosts for money! Those groups being Phil, Technoblade, Wilbur,Tommy, Tubbo, and Ranboo Dream, George, Sapnap, Quackity, Karl Bad, ant, Skeppy, and Puffy There’s most likely more but there the only people i can think of at this moment The only canonical ghost being Schlatt This au doesn't have a proper story perse it's more about gags and stuff about the different character fighting over ghosts for money but the story stuff i do have- Sbi family dynamic is real here you can rejoice, Phil adopts Tubbo after his dad (Schlatt) kicks the bucket and fucking dies , Tubbo befriend’s Ranboo some mysterious teen who just desperately needs a job so he- and the rest of the Minecraft family help him get one- though they find out Ranboo isnt as human as he was made out to be and he finds out he’s this worlds version of angels called ender’s and he’s there to protect Tubbo and Tommy which explains why the more violent ghosts start being less violent at the arrival of Ranboo joining their team. Bad isn't human either being a demon his entire group know’s plus quackity. Quackity found out but squirting him with holy water through a water gun but don't worry he promised not to tell anyone; -) Bad and Ranboo know about each other because they see each other as their true forms The minecraft fam found out about Schlatt being a ghost through Tommy- despite Tubbo telling him not to- telling them from calling up and paying for them to investigate their own house saying “technically i didn't tell them” they ended up not getting rid of Schlatt though I'm not going to talk about how the ghosts here work because it's not super important to the plot

The second au is another ghost au where the main characters are ghosts themselves,

like the others its mainly lighthearted and comedic with dark attributes The plot surrounds the sbi family moving into a new house and Tommy finding out it's being haunted by two ghost’s. Those ghosts being Tubbo and Ranboo This au isn't fully figured out but I know that he found out he was haunted by sending a selfie to someone(possibly Drista and Purpled? Since there are only other minors who were part of the dsmp lore? But ultimately idk) and them being like “yo i didn't know you had friends” and him being like “?????” Tubbo died from a boiler exploding and Ranboo died from drowning (which are apparently my two favorite deaths) this also doesn't have an official story? It was just an excuse to make ghost designs with a bit of a story without the commitment As said before it's a sbi au but also a Dadschlatt au cuz I like Dadschlatt au’s. The main story bits i have are background stuff for Tubbo and Ranboo which ill elaborate now The house was originally meant to be just a summer home because it had a large lake in the backyard Ranboo’s family would go there often but that doesn't mean his family liked him very much because of his heterochromia, Vitiligo, and his height his family thought he was strayed from god and drowned him Tubbo died during sleep while Schlatt wasn't home either out drinking or just at work he came home to the house being partially blown up and his son nowhere to be seen he calls Puffy out of fear and she calls the cops. He moves away and most likely starts drinking a bit more. The house gets rebuilt and now the sbi live there hijinks ensue! The ghosts in this au work in a simpler manor only Tommy can see them unless a photo is taken but even then they are blurred, they can float and go through walls and their ability to touch things is limited Ranboo’s memory is worse then Tubbo’s but Tubbo’s isn’t much better.

below the cut will be designs and stuff be safe pal's- there will be minor/cartoony blood-

rip me exposing my old art on this account also i'm ripping these from my fucking amino account that i don't use but still have the password too

gonna do the original what a pity drawins first them ill show a more recent rendition because i hate the old drawings

these are the old drawins i hate them

then,,, i just drew them,,,,, fuck these guys/j

thses are the old sprite edits of these four! trixies design is the only one that really changed

the ded;-; i couldnt fit him on the page

there he is! ft indus and very much alive mera(who i cant figure out how to FUCKING DRAW-)

gay's get wilbur'd/j

they lookin for ghosts

the whole fmaily is here but its quality is shit

these bitches dead! good for them,,, good for them,,,,,,/j/rp

[ad1thi]

2020 fic recs!! [Part 1]

this idea was stolen from @iam93percentstardust cuz i just,,,thought that this year was absolute shit and it would be nice to make a fic rec list of fics from this year that helped me through it. this will be over a range of fandoms and ships, but all fics were written this year. 

fics are ordered by the month they were published. ive tried to keep to five fics per month, but this is not obviously all the fics ive read that month - i just didn’t want to make this insanely long. 

im releasing the first half of this on the 1st of December, and the second half on the 1st of January 2021 - because otherwise it would just get so long (and also so i will actually have fics for December)

happy reading!! hopefully you find fics on this you haven’t read yet

***

January

The cat is mighty dignified (until the dog comes by): @five-wow

Steve and Danny find them on the pillow in the corner of the dining area, where Eddie is on his side, ass half on the floor because the pillow is more cat-sized than lab-sized, and Pickles is nestled between Eddie’s front legs, essentially being spooned and looking very I-got-the-cream about it. Pickles’ head is tucked into the crook of Eddie’s neck and Eddie’s head slots perfectly on top of Mr. Pickles’, like a furry jigsaw puzzle.

“They’re cuddling,” Steve points out, unnecessarily.

Or: There is a love story unfolding under the McGarrett roof.

Captain ‘Socialist Rage Muffin’ America: @baffledkingcomposinghallelujah

It takes three months of dating Steve Rogers for Tony to understand why Aunt Peggy once shot at him in sheer frustration.

Alternately titled, Honey, I committed treason again.

The Best Laid Plans (Of Mice and Men): @arboreal-elm-ash-oak

His Dark Materials AU

It was Annalise who noticed their small visitor first.

“Tony,” the spider daemon said softly, skittering up the collar of his dress shirt, two of her eight legs resting delicately against his cheek, “Don’t startle them, but I believe we have a guest. Look, by the coffee table.”

Fourteen Million to One: @tunastorks

Six months after Thanos, six months after Tony’s death, six months after Steve returns to his own timeline, Tony Stark turns up on their doorstep.

Brewed Awakening: @iam93percentstardust

Two years after he comes out of the ice, Steve is drifting through life. On his teammate's recommendation, he decides to go back to school where he meets the grandson of an old friend. He finds happiness with Tony but Steve won't be in Boston forever and someone is out to hurt the Starks. Will Steve and Tony be able to reach their happily ever after?

February

the young, the reckless and the foolish: @bruciewayne

In most universes, they don't know each other, not in the slightest, or they hate each other, in a way that's perfectly logical for anyone who were to find themselves in a similar situation.

In this one, they've known each other since they were four years old and naively idealistic.

This is them over the years, against the odds.

a giant sign: @areiton

“Think you can get him to open the weapons division up again?” his CO asks, his voice hungry and Rhodey laughs because this--

“No. Tony hung up his weapons.”

“That’s not what the suit says,” his CO objects, and Rhodey shrugs.

Tony has always had rules, rules he expects the entire world to live by.

And then there was Rhodey, slipping under them.

my heart is driftwood, floating down your coast: @nethandrake

Tonight, there’s a stranger in his backseat. That’s not unusual.

He’s also sad. That’s not unusual either.

What is unusual is that the stranger is silent.

(One night, a stranger enters Steve's taxi. Nothing is the same again.)

Just A Cold: @/delighted 

There’s a new text waiting for him. It’s from Steve of course, and it’s vaguely threatening as most messages from Steve are these days. Still Danny ignores it, and now he’s really playing with fire. Maybe it’ll burn the cold out of him.

Or, Danny’s sick, and Steve can’t stay away. The usual comfort fluff. With a little cameo from a gently meddling Grace.

An Unexpected Guide: @/Rachel500

Danny Williams has hidden his Guide status to keep being a detective, but his time of hiding is up when he unexpectedly finds his Sentinel, Steve McGarrett in the midst of a tragedy.

March

Why don’t we (Collide the spaces that divide us): @five-wow

When they finally catch sight of each other again through the milling crowds, they’re both a little worse for wear. Danny’s left side is covered in glitter and every time he brushes a hand over his hair, more blue and purple confetti rains down. Steve is- Well, Steve is randomly shirtless, which is all things considered not excessively remarkable, but he’s also covered in smudges of colorful paint and has a very nicely printed bloodred lipstick kiss mark on his cheek.

“What did you do?” Danny asks, because it looks like Steve had a lot more fun than he did.

Or: Steve and Danny accidentally end up in the middle of something entirely new.

A Little Unsteady: @finduilasclln 

Written for the Tumblr prompt meme : "Hey! I was gonna eat that!"

Tony lashes out at Bucky for eating his dessert. Only, it really isn't about the dessert.

a national treasure: @starklysteve

Steve isn't looking for an apple and Tony decides his passion is to inspire young souls. -x- OR: the AU where Tony is a Youtuber and Steve is Captain America and somehow they still save the world together.

April

cycle through: @ambivalentmarvel

Twenty-five years ago, Tony Stark disappeared from his family home a month after the tragic deaths of his parents, Howard and Maria Stark, leaving a billion-dollar tech conglomerate without an heir and the world wondering what happened.

Twenty-three years ago, HYDRA gained another super soldier.

Ten years ago, Peter Parker’s parents died in what is ruled as a home invasion gone wrong but he knows was murder, plain and simple, because he spoke to the killer.

And in the present, Project Insight fails, and the Iron Soldier pays the price.

FOREVER-LOVE YOU-I: @/Eudoxia

Tony Stark is twenty-one when he loses his voice. It shouldn't matter, but in a world where the first words your Soulmate says to you are marked on your skin, it can be pretty damn annoying.

Especially for Tony's soulmate.

--

Companion piece to my fic Thumb, Index, and Pinky Extended. This is Steve's POV, with a few extra scenes, as a treat.

(Edit: Sorry if you guys get multiple notifications for this. I just realized (about two hours after posting it) that I fucked up the grammar in the title and I HAD to fix it. YOLO, I guess.)

come build a home out of me: @maguna-stxrk

Steve clears his throat.

“What if I went with you?” he asks nonchalantly, like his heart isn’t threatening to beat out of his ribcage.

Tony blinks a few times, looking at Steve, his mouth ajar. “As a— As my date?”

“Yeah.” Steve nods, feeling a little breathless.

“You don’t mind?” Tony furrows his eyebrows.

“I don’t. In fact, you can just tell them I’m your boyfriend. I’m sure they’ll back off, wouldn’t they?”

What.

“I— Huh?” Tony stares at him, brown eyes blown wide open.

What. What. What.

“Huh? Uh, I mean— You know, that way people will see that you have definitely moved on. Monica will see that you have moved on. Right?” Steve smiles, hoping that it masks his inner panic, because what?

Steve Rogers, what have you done?

i don’t have a choice (but i’d still choose you): @nethandrake

There’s a name inked onto his chest, a name written in an all-too familiar scrawl. And it’s— It’s—

Steve doesn’t realize his body is quaking until he’s tracing the tattoo with a shaky finger.

Because of course that is the name etched into the skin. Like a brand, a reminder for everything he has done. An appropriate retribution.

Anthony Edward Stark.

(When Thanos snaps half of the universe away, he unknowingly leaves the other half with soulmarks.)

ua haʻalele ʻoe iaʻu (a ua hoʻomālamalama ʻoe iaʻu): @just-fandomthings

"The truth is, I was shot in the chest and nearly died, and not even three days after I was released from the hospital, you up and left-- and of those two, I'm not sure which one hurt me worse!"

(Coda to 10x22 because come on, we all need a better ending than the one given to us.)

Title loosely translates to: "You left me in the dark (you lit me up)" -- inspired by the brilliant song "Say You Won't Let Go" by James Arthur

May

A Piece Of The Past: @hddnone

It had been so many years since Bucky had gone undercover in the Stark family's mob, he thought he'd gotten away clean.

Then Tony Stark slid into the seat across from him at his breakfast diner, and Bucky's boss has a new case for him.

the privilege of loving you: @starklysteve

“Why won’t you let me touch you?”

It’s a desperate plea, half-shouted and half-whispered, Steve’s voice cracking at the end. Tony stops in his tracks, halfway to the stairs. He doesn’t dare to turn back, and he really doesn’t want to fight, or to leave, to spend the last month of his life away from his husband and their son. But Steve can’t know, can he?

-x-

Or: Tony has palladium poisoning, but he doesn't tell Steve and Peter

your pillow feels so soft now (but still you must advance): @firebrands

When Bruce is 13, he decides to go to boarding school. It's an opportunity for him to learn about other people, and how to interact with them.

Bruce has the misfortune of meeting Tony Stark upon his arrival in Roxbury. Bruce is moving into his room, and Tony opens the door of his room to watch. He looks a bit younger than Bruce, hair wild and eyes bright. Bruce has never seen a boy like him before—handsome and confident.

Bruce doesn’t like it.

IMPORTANT: This fic has them meeting at 14, then progresses slowly until they’re 17. Includes underage drinking and kissing.

This is set before Bruce becomes Batman and Tony becomes Iron Man and I have no explanation as to how or why they just DO Canonically, Bruce is 17 when he finishes school and goes around the world to train, so we're sticking with that

The Real MVP: @sword-and-stars (part of a series)

[“I have saved this Tuesday!” Sokka announces, rattling the bag upon reentry.

Zuko doesn’t even look up from his phone as he deadpans, “It’s Thursday.”

Okay, so Sokka is still having trouble getting his days right without checking. At least he’s gone back to sleeping at night! Going to bed at night is way easier when you have a cute, cuddly boyfriend who starts falling asleep around eleven o’clock. It also helps that he and Zuko are on solid gold butt-touching terms.

It’s been a while since Sokka has been on butt-touching terms with someone and it’s amazing.]

Or,

Sokka knows a guy, gets laid, and introduces Zuko to the merits of an afternoon delight.

When is a bed not a bed? (When you’re not in it): @riotwritesthings

There’s a tiny safe house, with one tiny window and one tiny couch.

And one tiny little bed.

June

Nice Fingers: @anthonyed

A single compliment given by Tony stirs Bucky restless until he caves in and asks him out on a date.

With Steve’s help of course (whether he likes it or not).

The Darkest Touch: @starkrogerrs

This is the story of how Steve finds that it has been ordained that he is to marry a monster he cannot resist aka the God of Love himself, Tony.

It's Cupid x Psyche retold, but with thrice the amount of porn.

The Night Shift:  @weethreequarter

Welcome to the Emergency Department of San Antonio General where Dr. Tony Stark joins the team fresh from his most recent tour in Afghanistan and - much to the consternation of the other staff - strikes up an instant rapport with Nurse Steve Rogers. Meanwhile, new resident Bruce Banner refuses to give up on his patient, and Dr. Sharon Carter learns something from her own patients. Throw in a pissed off hospital administrator, Clint using the coffee pot as a mug again, and a major car crash and you have, well, just another night shift.

Wind Beneath My Wings: @iam93percentstardust

Sam first meets Tony Stark in 2005 when he joins the EXO-7 Falcon program.

In jest: @/apathyinreverie

“No, babe,” Danny shakes his head with a grin. “If the apocalypse were to go down while I’m elsewhere for some godforsaken reason, then you stay put and I’m coming to wherever you are.” His grin widens. “And I expect you to have cleared any aliens or zombies or whatever else might be messing with us off the island and to have set up a nice, comfortable military dictatorship for us to rule over by the time I get back.”

It’s a joke.

Of course it’s a joke.

Until it isn’t.

(A the-day-after-tomorrow-style apocalypse AU, where the world decides to end right when Danny is visiting one of the other islands with Grace. Because, of course, it does.)

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[du0tine]

well, fuck.

this isn’t great. frankly its horrible.

it’s never fun being suspended so high in the air with the harsh winds blowing roughly in your direction forcing you to seek shelter against the icy and snowy mixture of rock that sits atop the towering mountain.

to be honest, had it been any other day this would’ve been thrilling. being up here in harsh conditions, struggling to hold on and testing my mental and physical capabilities would’ve been so much fucking fun.

but there are days where you just imagine the rope that holds you up so high, snapping and slicing against a sharp piece of rock as you plummet to your death. the sky is the last thing you see, the butterflies in your stomach going mad from the sudden drop and you can’t help but think, “im going to die.”

most people, in this case: climbers that is, don’t want to die. they understand the risks, they know that given what they do things are bound to happen and im someone who understands that concept very well. but some of us are just so desensitized to the point that death feels like nothing, we’re used to losing team mates, friends and lovers. i just didn’t understand why i wanted for it to happen to me so much.

climbing is a large part of my life amongst other things; friends, family and other significant factors. all pieces both large and small that factor into what i call my life, something that i can’t help but be grateful for. but sometimes i realize life is fleeting. i realize just how short it is and sometimes i realize that, you know what? im okay with dying. whether it be today, tomorrow or the day after, i understand that death is inevitable and sometimes i just yearn for it to happen a little faster.

it often comes and goes, starting with tears and ending with cold, blank and rather monotone eyes gazing into the emptiness. i don’t know what it feels like exactly, the physicality is easy to understand but when i have to put into words its too hard. but it feel freezing cold, isolation hurts, solitude is pain. im all alone with nothing and no one and in fact, i do think im alone despite everything.

i just know im alone.

i have so many people in my life but it’s hard for me to understand why they’re here, it becomes difficult for me to keep them in my life. i find it hard to continue to speak with lifelong friends, keep in touch with cousins and other family. my parents and siblings (my brothers only being 3 & 5) being the only people i can speak to without feeling so choked up.

i speak to people ive met here (tumblr) but it never goes past a few conversations that occur from time to time and to those i do talk consistently with i can’t help but feel like i annoy. sometimes people reach out to me for advice, for guidance and of course, i aid them. it only pains me a little to never be asked if im okay in return but whatever right? as long as the people are happy, then im happy.

here in nepal, it’s been nice. people are nice. the way of life is one that no one takes for granted and it makes me feel out of place, like a spoiled brat who just yearns so much to escape but i try my best to just take a deep breath and indulge. the buddhist culture here makes me understand the ways of life, living alongside other climbers and watching sherpas dance to the tune of death, twisting around and just barely sneaking past almost every time.

despite how beautiful it is with the towering peaks, glaciers and fields of luscious green grass. death holds a strong presence here, one that’s covered by the tourism and clusters of climbers. but one that’s never ignored, everything being worshipped. pooja ceremonies being held for safe journeys and honouring the beautiful land, the mother of it all with offerings. mother nature is honoured and yet, she still plucks us one by one.

last year on my winter expedition i met a boy, well a man. someone who was 12 years older than me, someone i grew to have feelings for that in fact were reciprocated. despite seeming inappropriate, it was all consensual, it was positive and perfect. there was no dirty intention behind it and despite the large age gap it quickly flourished into a sweet, relationship but i found myself growing distant.

we were both sponsored by the same company which is how we met, the both of us being skiers and climbers. people who understood the dangers of venturing out into the wild, knowing what it meant to leave it all behind and pursue your wildest dreams.

he was perfect for me and yet, i broke up with him while living in nepal. i didn’t know why i did at first and it took me a lot of thinking. a lot of time being alone and realizing that throughout my whole life id been accustomed to supporting myself, knowing that there was no one else for me but me. perhaps it was the mixture of dreadful trauma id faced when i was younger, things i never told anyone, things that i only now realize just how bad they were.

regardless, the past is the past and i know i can’t let it hold me down and yet it’s just so hard to keep living when you know just how gravely you’ve been damaged. but i always tell myself that there’s someone out there who’s got it worse, someone who hasn’t stopped suffering from the day they’ve been brought into this world and until this very day.

like them i also wander the earth and yet i have an advantage, one that i should never take for granted and that being that everything that had happened, is over. i shouldn’t let it bring me down and ruin all the good things i have now.

so anyways, what lead to me ultimately breaking down was when i found myself like i mentioned before climbing upwards, fifteen pitches ahead in the air with my team around me. belayed upwards as i find myself freezing momentarily when the snow from above comes falling down, raining down on me as the wind whips me in the face.

it felt so cold, i couldn’t help but press my forehead against the wall and look downwards at my dangling feet. my hands were numb, my ice pick wedged into the snow and ice, my toes just barely warm. i just found myself observing how far away the ground was from where i hung. the distance from where i spiralled about to the ground was like how disconnected i felt from the earth. physically i am here but mentally im lost. where am i? i don’t know, maybe ill know someday? but what if i just don’t try anymore and let it all go, the place im in isn’t a bad place to die in fact, it’s beautiful.

but i can’t let myself plummet to the ground in front of people i know, i can’t traumatize them. i can’t be selfish and hurt others, id already done it once and that was to the man i loved.

pushing forwards we finished climbing, taking in the air at the top and looking down at everything. feeling like we were in fact on top of the world when really this was only one of the peaks we decided to acclimatize to in preparation for the everest/lhotse push that would happen in the next two months.

the feeling was the same as always, a feeling of satisfaction. you feel unstoppable at the top of the mountain, like there’s nothing and no one in your path and yet for the first time i felt anxious.

i felt like i was going to throw up. it didn’t feel great to be up here, i didn’t know why at that moment but when we began rappelling downwards i couldn’t help but think about how cold hearted i was for breaking up with him. there was no reason for me to do so and yet, i just did. it wasn’t right and it took me sometime to realize why. i needed to make sure i could at least put in the effort to do something.

the trek back to base camp was agonizing. i felt like i couldn’t breath properly, falling out of tune with my surroundings and just marching forwards. my team looking like blobs of colourful parkas. silently i felt myself weeping and just feeling like shit. i hated this.

it was embarrassing, i always made sure to peel myself apart and cry when there was no one around and yet here i was crying with people i knew and got to know around me. one of my leaders, who was a single mom that was a total badass in the mountains and one of the best ski mountaineer ive met (she’s also my team lead) spotted me falling apart and staggered behind to talk things out with me and i began to find comfort in consolidating in someone.

this was something i never even did with my own mother. this was the first time i looked for guidance in someone who’d lived longer than me and understood how grief, sadness and just a clusterfuck of emotions works.

with every step i took i slowly pieced the answers i needed for my puzzle piece and now here i am sitting inside my tent typing this foolish rant. my fingers lingering over the call button of the contact id for my ex boyfriend.

i think ill call him and apologize.

it’ll be a good first step.

update: things have been solved (relationship wise) but i don’t feel too good mentally nor physically. unfortunately, i received heartbreaking news that my bestfriend passed away and i feel lost. i don’t know what’s going on, what’s going to happen and i just feel guilty and pathetic. despite that comment, the less people see this the better, it’s not good energy and it’s just negatively going to affect others but i can’t dip without an explanation.

things are on a queue.

[spidermanifested]

Give me your SOFTEST Bido headcanons. Can involve Greed too

uhhhhhhhhhhh fuck. soft. unfortunately most of my Soft bido thoughts are less in the realm of headcanon and more in the realm of wishful thinking because unfortunately i dont think many of the things i want to happen...... did actually happen. to my despair and chagrin

but. some nice little headcanons..... okay this might be long here is a readmore for everyones health

okay. well. i headcanon him as mostly surviving as a beggar and pickpocket in the days before the labs and after getting out he is still not immune to a little casual theft. mostly food, sometimes money and small objects-- he COULD get food at the bar but hes mostly out and about and its easier to just snag something from the market square while hes on the go yknow. but when it comes to non-food things, he rarely keeps them for himself. he brings them right back to greed along with his daily reports

he very much enjoys physical contact, partially just because. Warm. but mostly because it steadies him and reminds him hes a real person who other real people can protect and care about, like...... he wants to Be Hold so so bad. unfortunately a lot of the nest has the exact opposite response to touch, they shy away from it and need their personal space, which is an understandable response to All That but this means he does not get nearly as many hugs as he needs (and he wont exactly ask for it either because hes so bad at asking for things). thats more of a sad than a "soft" headcanon but. what im saying is hes overjoyed whenever greed pats his head. he Lives for that

he is best friends with one of the bouncers because they are both trans and i decided this for basically no reason but im sticking to my guns

had another thing i was so pumped to talk about but i FORGET and im AAAAAAAAA

he gets along very well with ulchi for some inexplicable reason. ulchi basically decided they were friends and bido went along with it and now they are in fact friends. perhaps with benefits. bido might have a type

this...........is SOLELY an 03 bido headcanon but you know that scene where bidos on the phone with greed and he sounds absolutely delighted to be talking to greed on the phone. like in his head hes sprawled out on the floor twirling the cord in his finger and kicking his legs back and forth you can hear it in his voice. anyways whenever the first time was that he used a phone to call greed-- and it may very well have been That Time-- it was also the first time hed used a phone since being in a government lab for 20 years, he was holding it extremely carefully right up to his face and when he heard greeds voice come out of it so close to his ear he just started giggling for like a solid 3 minutes. and going "hello??" and then starting giggling again like. he could not handle it. ill never forgive 03 for completely erasing the blushing at greed scene but it let me imagine this and for that ill cut it a tiny bit of slack

was the blushing at greed scene the thing i wanted to talk about i dont remember. anyways i headcanon that bido gets all blushy and smiley when greed compliments h-- oh wait thats canon isnt it! whoops! and on multiple separate occasions no less. silly me how could i forget

OH WAIT NO the thing i wanted to talk about was something similar-- i think ive seen it talked about before or it might have been me talking about it before i dont remember but. the juxtaposition of bido taunting the elric brothers going "im cool/amazing/(whatever the translation you want to go with)" and then immediately cutting to greed telling bido hes amazing. thats where hes getting his self esteem from, this isnt a one-time thing, bidos normally extremely hard on himself but because greed and the others have been working on boosting his ego he can now have those moments where he considers himself COOL and AWESOME because of his abilities. and yeah maybe he does only believe it because those abilities are helpful to the gang and he doesnt consider himself to actually be all that special without them but. theyre working on it! together! one step at a time!!! if only they actually had that time and everything didnt come crashing down

finally: he learned to play the piano after coming to the bar, he figured it would be good for figuring out his sticky pads but then kept teaching himself because hes got a real knack for music and he was having so much fun with it. sometimes he plays for the rest of the nest too and they all enjoy the music together

tumblr please dont erase parts of this response thanks

[fotiathymos]

would love to hear the backstory hcs regardless of them being sad or not :0

SIGH. 

I wrote a lot and it got eaten by tumblr and I'm upsetti so IDK if this is any good. Also this is just Lio's backstory stuff and his parents. I could do Galo but maybe if anyones interested I will?? And not tonight..

Its sad and its LONG. So just be prepared for that. Its also 2 am so no one will read this anyway so...

tw for parental death, kidnapping, stalking, genocide, government abuse, and if i miss something my apologies

Do note this isn't the end all be all for a Lio back story. I honestly love everyones interpretations. Mine tends to be sad and less cool and edgey I guess? Everyone makes it cooler, I just go.. oh heres some sad mixed with reasons for Lio's mental illness. 

DO REALIZE. PLEASE. REAL GENOCIDE IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW IN THE WORLD AND IS NOT COMPARABLE AT ALL TO ANY FICTIONAL 'RACE' LIKE THE BURNISH.

Okay.

Lio's backstory and his parents.

--

Lio is a powerful burnish. We know that. He has massive control of his flames and a strong connection to the Promare. It is a common theory that he awoken as a Burnish rather young. I share that theory. Lio became burnish around 8-9 years old. Very very young. Most children who become burnish are taken away, hated by the parents or killed/arrested by Freeze Force. Lio was loved very much by his parents.

Like Simon and Nia. Lio's parents were rebels. They grew up in a world where there wasn't any burnish. They witnessed the uprising, the first World Blaze, the oppression of the burnish. They were against it. They were not burnish themselves but they could not just idly sit by and watch people get murdered and kidnapped for something they couldn't control. Lio's parents joined the rebellion quickly.

His father being an inspiring man, friendly, loveable, a leader, and a beacon for the good of all man and Spiral kind. He was fond of pointy glasses, capes and inspirational speeches. His mother was kind, a bad cook but still tried, soft spoken and believes there is good in everyone. Lio got his attitude from his father, his soft spokeness from his mother. And maybe some magical pretty eyes and hair from his mom too.

His parents were anarchists. His father worked in a line of direct action. Fighting and pushing back against the government, rioting, sabotaging government burnish kidnappings, breaking people out of prison, etc. His mother pretended to play 'stay at home mom'. She worked with the community to build unity and strength within. She'd homeschool Lio to make sure he was not fed propaganda that was quickly over taking the education system. She owned a community garden and helped feed everyone. From a young age Lio was surrounded and taught to be kind and help others.

Unfortunately, Lio was an unexpected child in an unexpected time. The activism of his parents cause the young family and the young child to be targets of the government. Considering they werent burnish and no crimes could be found on them, Freeze Force just wanted the annoying pests to be eliminated. But killing a quiet family wouldn't look good on their part. They wanted to scare them out of activism, scare them into obeying the order. Lio became an easy target.

Strange men started to stalk Lio. It was quickly noticed by his parents and caused them to isolate their child from the world. Lio was a lonely kid, he wasn't allowed friends, couldn't go to the park and mostly stayed home with his mother. 

One day while playing in the backyard, Lio wandered off. His mother was keeping an eye on him of course, but kids are kids. And Lio was Lio and a rebellious kid. He wandered off into a stranger who was watching him from afar. Waiting for Lio to get far enough away to be grabbed. The stranger threw a bag over Lio's head and desperately tried to throw him into a van. Lio was young and small and scared. He was suddenly covered in flames. Burning both himself and the stranger. 

His mother who was already frantically looking for her child, suddenly saw flames appear in her backyard. She grabbed a hose and hosed them down. Only to see her child still on fire. She grabbed Lio, ignoring the burns and ran into the house away from the stranger. After placing Lio in the shower and calming him down, telling him he was safe, she quickly packed bags and left with Lio. 

The family moved to a new house quickly. The news never mentioned a man being burned by the burnish, but they couldn't risk anything.

They now had a burnish son, who was lonely, scared, paranoid and burning everything all the time. In their activism the parents grew to understand the burnish struggles and needs. Not to the extent of understanding completely as they were not burnish but they tried. They loved Lio and did everything they could to help him. His father would teach him to control is flames to make objects, from toys to animals to swords. His mother had him help with cooking, control the flames to not burn the food. They served many burned dinners either way. One day they walked in on Lio climbing into the oven while it was turned on. Freaking out, but suddenly realized he was fine. Lio's excuse was he wanted to see the fires. 

Lio would talk about how the fire spoke to him. How he needed to burn. It became a common thing of Lio bursting into flames just from laughing too hard or crying or just any emotion being felt a little bit too hard. His father always had a pair of fire proof gloves in his pocket and would pick up Lio and rush him into the shower to cool down. He could burn all he wants in the shower with no water, but if it got too much he was to turn it on and cool off. 

The house furniture had scorch marks in Lio's favorite spots. Lio's favorite books needed multiple copies because he'd get so excited from certain parts in the story he'd set the book aflame. He was to watch his mother garden from afar to not burn the plants. Lio learned to make fire that wasn't hot quickly so he could still burn in excitement or joy and not harm his parents or things.

His parents were still activist. Laying low but committed in making the world a better place for their son. His mother stayed home still to teach Lio as he got older. His father would do more secretive work but it'd cause him to not come home for days. They were still being hunted. And possibly even more so since information about their burnish son may be known.

Lio was 12 when he was home, staring into the fireplace, breathing with the flames. His father was out for work. His mother busy in the garden out front. A Freeze Force van pulled up. His mother quickly ran inside. "Lio, go hide. Now." But it was too late. Large men pounded through the front door and threw a bag over Lio's mother's head. Lio screamed for her and burst into flames. He tried to direct them at the men who now had his mother on the floor. But suddenly everything was cold. Lio was shot frozen. And blacked out.

Freeze Force arrested Lio. They told him his parents were killed for treason. Lio was to be experimented on. He never saw them again.

When he finally broke out of prison, he tried to go home. There was a new family in his house. They quickly called the cops on him and Lio ran. Lio was on the run for years. Joining and leaving groups of burnish, being on his own for some years. 

When he finally found the Mad Burnish, interacting with others was foreign to him. He managed to connect with Meis and Gueira only. They respected Lio's way of communication, no touching, less talking, more actions, more burning. 

Being on the run, with and without the Mad Burnish, made Lio never really have a 'home'. The only one he ever had was taken from him. After the Parnassus events, staying put or settling down wasn't in him. Lio continued to travel with Meis and Gueira to aid other ex burnish around the world. He'd come back to Promepolis every so often to stay in touch with Galo. They'd mostly call and video chat from afar but it was nice to see eachother after all they've been through.

It took Lio over a year to finally discuss his feelings with Galo. And even then, when they finally became romantically involved, Lio requested they 'take it very very slow'. Lio continued to travel and help others but started staying at Galo's apartment more. It took another year for Lio to finally call Galo's apartment... home.

When Lio finally opened up to Galo about what happened when he was younger.. Galo told him how proud Lio's parents would be of him. How he was still so kind, loving and helping others, just like his parents. How proud they'd be knowing Lio saved the world. 

--

Okay! That was sappy and i tried to end it nice??? I didn't proof read this... its 230 am... ive got insomnia so whatever but staring at a screen typing doesnt help nor did tumblr eating this post first and having to rewrite it.

Once again this is just thoughts. I'd love to know what anyone thinks. Ive seen much cooler more actiony backstories of Lios parents being ex mad burnish leaders or something. I just got sad. pft.

Thank you for reading if you got this far!!! Much love!! Hope I didn't make anyone feel horrible. GNIGHT!

[dreamsafterhours]

college boyfriend!markhyuk au series: III (donghyuk's pathway)

a universe in which roommates!markhyuk meet each other's s/o in class

markhyuk are roommates, my/n and dy/n are roommates, mark and dy/n take classes together and so do donghyuk and my/n — how will their fates intertwine?

genre: fluff pairings: mark+my/n (fem), donghyuk+dy/n (fem), platonic!mark+dy/n, platonic!donghyuk+my/n format: dotpoint AU universe: non idol, college bf warning: some swearing

masterlist

or click here to meet your soulmate, eng lit!mark!

II ⇤ | III | ⇥ IV

III: 별빛이 내린다 샤라랄라랄라라 (2+2=4)

the meeting of two souls: donghyuk & dy/n

welcome! back and to the next part

in which things actually happen! yay

so. up until this point

it’s been quite obvious i hope

that this is the one where The Soulmates Meet™

and this one right here is the one where donghyuk meets his future wifenew best (not) friend

dammit this is a set plot with SET relationships

yeah

major spoilers for future parts but hey :) y’all know it i know it let’s just.

let’s get to it!!

that day you accidentally sleep in after a late night and walk into your lecture looking pretty trashier than you would normally a few weeks into the first sem and you’re already tired it’s okay bby aww

and mark suggests skipping the next lecture and going for coffee instead

you’re like ok lmfao free coffee for me yay thanks marcus i owe you one

and to make up for the lecture he suggests he join you and your roommate with his own roommate in the library later that day to study the material you’d missed out on

so you’re like sweet study group hell yeah and apparently his roommate is also in biomed like your roommate? hey they might get along pretty well it’d be nice to have roommates in the same faculty hey

little do you know you little cutie you uwu

mark takes you to a cafe to buy you your favourite drink and a croissant bc you skipped breakfast again and he cares about his friends ok plus he was eyeing that donut next to the savoury menu in the glass cabinet and he would have felt bad if he got something to eat and you didn’t

you sit down, sipping your drink at the window seats and wishing your fatigue away

laughing with mark about what you slept so late for

my/n had been ranting about her love life again or perhaps lack thereof,,

don’t worry tho

after you’d gotten her to sleep, you’d gotten major feels for an essay question that you’d been tasked with due in a week but you hadn’t touched it until last night

staring at the prompt for at least half an hour trying to get your head around it and wondering what the hell you’d write about

but like they say

starting is half of it

so when you start spinning your words and getting into the writing mood

you accidentally wrote an entire draft without realising

albeit being full of loose ends and points you need to refine, etc., it was a decent body of work that you’d tackle for a few more nights before turning in

a skeleton, you’d called it

“a skeleton?”

“yeah. next thing i need to do is.. flesh it out”

“.. literally”

cue mark’s small pause

/inhale/

/MANIACAL LAUGHTER/

you know how mark’s laugh is very how do i put this into words hm dictated

you can HEAR each HA and they’re separate syllables yet sometimes they can vary in tone and length right it’s usually the more consistent HAs before he kinda loses it and starts throwing himself around

it was that laugh

honestly man finds everything funny his laughing threshold seems so low

and no matter how unfunny you are he WILL laugh at anything you say

and you’ve been doing it a lot lately

you could say literally any random thing and he’d already be ready to laugh (see Figure 1.1)

Figure 1.1

you: /snort/

mark, already giggling: “what”

you, still sniggering: /touches his elbow/ “arm knee”

mark: /inhale/ gotta live and breathe that oxygen

mark: HAHAHAHAhahAhaHAHAhahAhHa (decrescendo.. cRESCENDO)

^ that but looped, with intermittent slaps to your arm

anyways you never fail to make him fall out of his chair in laughter

but enough of that. dy/n is donghyuk’s y/n for a REASON ahEM

so after you finish up your breakfast at the cafe you go back to your dorm to take a power nap and recharge before your library session you were going to stay awake but mark forces you to take a nap and you’re like bro you just fed me caffeine now you want me to sleep??

then he tells you he ordered your drink decaf

you turn to him real slow

“.. you sick traitor. how dare you besmirch my name so. you scorn my forefathers and our dependence on the holy bean’s juices. betrayal runs rampant in your soul and mine stands at the mercy of your choices, them informed by the devil himself”

mark: /shrug/ “placebo effect yeet. hey, it worked for a bit. now you should really go home and get your sleep”

and he drags you back to your dorm and waves you off before going to his next class

you’re lowkey grateful for it tho when you take a shower and collapse onto your bed, falling asleep in what you think could be half the time you usually take

dreaming about losing your airpods and mark yelling at you to be more careful and then you two fighting bc you’d just lost your $300 bean sprouts but you could have sworn he took them

then police sirens went off out of nowhere and both of you were being arrested for assault and thievery

why you were the one being arrested, you had no idea but it’s a dream nothing follows the guidelines of hard reality anyway

just as you’re about to be handcuffed, you think to yourself, nope. i have a library session to attend. ain’t nobody got time for this shit

and you just

wake up

but the sirens are still continuing?? so you’re like ? is my building surrounded

they’ve come for me

even though you haven’t exactly broken any laws or have you

and you realise it was the alarm you’d set in time to get ready for your library session

so you grab your stuff and leave for the library, double checking with your roommate over text to make sure she was on her way

her lab class was taking longer than usual so she tells you she’ll be 10 or so minutes late

so you tell her you’ll be saving a seat for her and call mark to let him know you’re on your way to the library

“oh i’m already here lol. alright, i’m waiting for you outside”

and sure enough, you see him leaning on the wall of the entrance, eyes on his phone

you consider calling out to him but before you actually do, he glances up and spots you walking over tf do you have psychic spatial awareness mark

smiles and takes his corded earphones out

“you seriously need to upgrade those”

“they work fine”

“nop i’m getting you airpods for your birthday”

“dUdE thEy’RE tOo ExPEnSiVe. nO dUDE NoO”

“nOP. i’m GOING to buy you EXPENSIVE BEAN SPROUTS for your LIFE DEBUT ANNIVERSARY and you CAN’T STOP ME”

at this point i should just put /MANIACAL LAUGHTER/ and you should know what laugh i’m referring to

/MARK LEE’S MANIACAL LAUGHTER/

/MLML/ for short

nvm it’s fine it’s kinda fun to type /MANIACAL LAUGHTER/

literally mark laughs in bolded italics i’m just sad i can’t underline it on tumblr unless it’s a link lmfao

n e ways

i digress

you shush him because you’re about to walk into the library

“qUIET DOWN marcus” turn that sh down for quiet new dawn

the library is almost full for the day but after a minute or two scouring the building you find an empty four seater in the middle of nowhere it’s CRAZY you can NEVER find a MIRACLE like this life couldn’t get better

i’m sorry

you speed walk to claim it even though there was no one else in your vicinity to threaten your territory

mark laughs at you trying to get to the table as fast as you could without all out running

getting out your things, you send a photo of your seat to your roommate and tell mark to send it to his roommate as well so they know where to find you

you start watching the lecture online while taking notes and since you’re not in the lecture theatre you can talk more audibly with mark not that you don’t talk in the actual lecture too,,

maybe you do text a lot,,, during class

mark usually says things like “.. implications of what now?? interpretation of huh?” to which you reply “i want cheese when i get home”

and he has to stifle his laughter while you keep your straight face and continue writing your notes he admires this ability ngl

and so while you’re watching it on your computer

you can say things like “fuck. i want pickles”

and mark will /throw himself back/ and cackle and probably say some shit like “DIDN’T YOU HATE PICKLES??” between his giggles

and you’re like “yeah. fuck pickles but like. fuck. pickles”

he almost falls off his chair at this point

but when he balances himself again he spots someone down the corridor and wave them over

“oii! over here dude”

you turn to glance at them to expect his roommate, but you see your own roommate talking to someone and wave her over as well

“heYY my/n”

you see the other person turn to your roommate and tell her something, , then she says something back

which is apparently shocking to them, because he glances over at mark and then at you

and then he looks again when your roommate points straight at you

to which you’re like ?? hi? y u look me

and then they both start laughing

you wonder if they were laughing at you or smth until mark’s like “tf is that idiot doing”

and u look at him like ? what idiot

“that idiot. the idiot roommate i told u about. the one who called u a homewrecker”

and you’re like

wait

[info clog]

wait

[error]

“wait”

“what”

“that’s your roommate?” u point at the boy next to my/n, who r both still laughing at something going all “wOW r u KIDDING” he has a loud voice

and mark’s like “? yeah”

and you go

“.. the girl next to him is my roommate”

mark: “wait what”

that’s what she said

at that point they’ve made their way over to the table, still trying to hold in their laughter

you start to introduce your roommate to mark, who’s still confused by the situation

you: “mark, this is my/n, my/n this is mark”

my/n: “nice to see you again mark”

you: “wait. again?”

mark: “yeah we’ve met. hi my/n”

you: “what”

mark: “yeah”

my/n: “yeah”

his roommate: “yeah”

you:

you: “i feeling like i’m missing something here”

turns out

surprise surprise

that one friend that my/n had made in her biology class was mark’s roommate oh my god they were roommates

whose name, you are told, is lee donghyuk

magical moment

us watching: heh 🤤

u can’t help but do a lil body scan from head to toe bc he a fine piece of cake we all know that

honey skin, oversized white t shirt, black pants, sneakers and lighter brown hair that looks fluffy the type of fluffy that makes u wanna touch it

yes he’s good looking. yes

yaaaaas

then mark tells him your name

“she’s the one i said reminded me of you”

“r u talking abt me behind my back marcus??”

donghyuk laughs and holds out a hand for you to shake

“what kinda coincidence is this?? i adopt your roommate, you’re dealing with mine”

“oh you’re gonna have to get in line to adopt her, i’m her legal guardian, sorry donghyuk”

to which he goes

“lmfao then we’ll both be her parents”

“k but i’ll keep her on the weekends. you see her on the weekdays”

then he wipes his smile off his face and he’s like “who said we’re split”

mark and my/n are doing the /MANIACAL LAUGHTER/ at this point

mark: “so ,, seriously what are the chances”

you: “this quartet,, it’s fate guys it’s fate there’s no way about it”

yes it is. yes. it is

even that four seater table was free because of fate

donghyuk: “this calls for drinks later. we all free? no 9am classes tmr?”

my/n: “we have a physics prac at 8:30 dingus”

donghyuk: “ah shit”

you barely got any notes for that lecture for at least an hour because you end up talking altogether throughout the session but once you remember you’re in a library to study you request a ceasefire and agree to study for a bit which,, you gotta admit ,, isn’t really productive because you’re so excited to meet someone new

but the best part about the day was when you notice how many times mark is glancing at your roommate while she’s reviewing her notes, completely oblivious

donghyuk complains that he’s hungry after another hour or two and you suggest you all have dinner together

donghyuk leans back in his chair in a stretch, his jumper lifting up a little over his jeans and showing a bit of his belly “ah i’m craving chinese”

you perk up, “mE TOO”

so you all go to your favourite chinese place just outside campus where you find out that mark and my/n have the same taste and so do you and donghyuk

he points and u and goes “oH?”

“jjAMPPONG? U TOO?”

“the ONLY DISH EVER”

mark and my/n: jjajang is fine : )

you and donghyuk: “JJAMPPONG IS SUPERIOR”

give him a bro five with the shoulder bump and everything

the boys walk you and my/n back to your dorm afterwards

donghyuk and my/n end up walking in a pair and mark walks alongside you

mark mentions how it’d be fun if you made a group chat together

you: “do it”

“i don’t have your roommate’s number tho”

you’re smiling wickedly at his reaction “?? ASK HER FOR IT”

“dude what?? no u make one and i’ll add donghyuk to it”

“bRO JUST ASK”

“wHAT NO U DO IT THEN”

so u go

bet

and you call out the two biomed kids walking in front of you

“hey donghyuk! give me your number i’ll make a group chat”

“sure lol” and you open up a new contact to let him type his number into your phone

he saves his name as hot boi hyuk ✌🏻

which you just leave bc you’re busy making the group chat

mark is still astounded that you asked donghyuk for his number so easily

you: hi hello good day

my/n 🌸: yeetus meetus

hot boi hyuk ✌🏻: bow before me

you: here before me lie the beginnings of a new era

you: one born from blood and stone

my/n 🌸: tf is she saying

hot boi hyuk ✌🏻: idk but lets go with it

you: together we rise from the rubble and sort through the debris

hot boi hyuk ✌🏻: yas queen

my/n 🌸: i hate this gc already

you: and we WILL REBUILD THIS EMPIRE

read by marcus the fool 🤡 at 8:21 pm

safe to say you stay up for a good while talking on that group chat while mark just sits idle,,

you honestly don’t know if he’s consciously reading or not maybe he just left his phone on the chat

and thus our quartet is complete,,

and they all lived

happily ever after

but this isn’t the ending tho is it

wink wonk /waggles eyebrows/

this is but the epilogue to the prologue

that doesn’t make sense but n e ways

our quartet has not yet become two pairings

y’all just don’t know what the future has in store for you :)

click here to meet your soulmate, eng lit!mark!

II ⇤ | III | ⇥ IV

taglist: @lavellanfriendliness​ 

shoot me an ask if you’d like to be tagged in future parts!

[racheljchen]

story vomit

-hong kong runaway idea reality in mental hospital? mr robot perfect blue -blue hour love "i wanna be scary" heart break shaves eyebrows red lipstick black panther for asians space? dreamjng of home story about learning to let go and putting yourself first story about choosing happiness, prolonged misery JYN AND CASSIAN IMMORTALS her fingers ruffled through soft locks of his hair, and her heart swelled. it was too little and too much all at once, after all the years apart, how could she have ever doubted wanting to be by his side again? Now that he was in her arms the certainty seemed to settle into an unshakable truth, that she and he were meant to return to each other, circling each other, standing by the other's side no matter the circumstances of the rest of the foolish world. the girl from before, who only knew of solitude, of running, looking over shoulder at every turned would have thought this new certainty unthinkable. it might have terrified her or disgusted her, but the Jyn of now was a different woman. his eyes caught her transfixed gaze and crinkled with a smile she knew better than her own. no words needed to break the cozy silence for the understanding to pass between them. there was nothing she wanted more than to crush his body to hers, to hold him gently and never let go again but the feeling overwhelmed her and she could only continue to cradle his head in her lap, stroking a finger down the jawline she loved. mine. mine. her heart said, touching a body that was not her own, this skin which would pierce me to be bruised, these bones which would shatter her to be broken. hours later, after many hushed words had passed between them, describing in few short words the many hard years that had passed for each of them, as the sky began to flush lilac with the rising  sun, they broke apart with much hesitance. after several failed attempts on cassian's part to urge her to the fresher for a much needed shower, she finally relented breaking the connecting touch betwen them. jyn couldnt contain the tiniest childish pout. how could she miss holding him within seconds of relinquishing the contact? annoyed at feeling like a childish teenager but still petulant to let go. "go!" urged cassian, his eyes crinkling with a grin, and then, of course how she resist grabbing his smiling face again and kissing those grinning lips. cassians arms could not help but to circle around her waist but of course he was the one with the greater self restraint and he withdrew them after a few moments, pushing her gently towards the fresher door. under the hot satisfying spray Jyn allower herself the luxury of a quick moment to just enjoy the comforts of a life not based on the next meal, next job, and the overhanging urgency of survival, before she got to work scrubbing off the unholy layers of grime on her body. as she lathered suds into her hair, the fresher door clicked open with a soft hiss, and she peered through the fogged shower door at cassian, who of course smiled at her again, and she marveled at the ease of his surrending unlimited smiles for her when he was a man of few smiles for the rest of the universe. and with that her traitorous heart was off again, squeezing with the overwhelming painful joy of having him by her side again. cassian rinsed his toothbrush, finished with brushing his teeth. with a mischievous grin he peeled of his under shirt and dropped his trousers to the floor. steam poured out of the fresher as he slipped in beside her, putting his rough hands on the soft slick skin of her waist. jyn hooked her arms around his neck and tiptoed up to kiss him, soft sweet and slow, and they stood under the spray, feeling each other up like teenagers until suddenly Jyn shrieked. "Ah! Sorry, sorry, the boiler tank is small, I've been wanting to install a bigger one-" Jyn laughed despite the freezing spray erasing her comfortable warmth by the second. "get out you horn dog i still have to rinse out my hair" one of them gets executed but comes back to life cassian? comes back to find jyn and their child // cassian as a fire breathing bar tender modern au where they're divorced drug cartel AU krennic and galen in the cia/dea jyn smuggles or deals arms or something cassian is an undercover DEA agent cassian riding a horse, wearing a cowboy hat, smoking patron notices cassian is into jyn and 'gives' her to him "you're a lucky guy" thats just a nice way to say i want to fuck your girl jyn if you do this i can't protect you ive known these guys my whole life and you think you can get into this game for a couple months and i need you to protect me from them i dont mean from them cassian joserra jerome antonio anglés andrez after they settle down: oh where did you guys meet jyn: tinder // divorced soulmates when they meet jyn can tell its something special. she's been around the block enough to know that this one wasn't for messing around, that they meant too much to each other. cassian tamed her and she brought him to life and his friends were all supportive of course, relieved he had found some joy at last, that he finally had a reason to leave the office without putting in overtime more days of the week than not, a reason for brief smiles to stsrt escaping his serious outward demeanor. all they saw was cassian hiding a smile in a tumblr of mezcal st the bar with them, watching jyn dance with han and kes, twirling around them with smooth confidence as they tried not to trip on their own feet. how could it be anything but good? jyn knows cassian would never hurt her on purpose so she lets herself fall too easily, then slowly her life revolved around him. he occupied her throughts, her space, and she became nothing more than a part of cassian, his wife, as honoured and respectable as the role was she became suffocated with being introduced as his wife, people telling her what a great man her husband was, and she became defined by him, strangers assuming insight of her. when she leaves she finds herself all alone, realising all the friends she had were gifted to her by cassian, and the thought infuriates her. not at cassian, never at cassian, but at her past self for allowing this to happen, blind to painfully learned lessons to always have an escape route in sight, to rely on herself first and foremost. when she leaves, the pain is unbearable. she cries and she cries herself to sleep, and when she wakes up she's temporarily soothed her mind betraying her with the false sense that all the pain was just a bad dream and she would roll over and see cassian there, soft and warm and comforting and ready to hold her close and kiss the nightmare away. but the realisation came quick and she would be sobbing again. in the end it was only her stubborn pride that saved her the indignity of crawling back to him on her knees begging. or maybe it was the stone pit on her stomach that said you did this. you hurt him like this, and for what? how can you deserve to try and salvage what was perfectly good before you picked it up and smashed it on the ground just to see how the splinters would fall? when the fog of misery starts to fade though, she is relieved. even as she sits in her crappy, hole in the wall apartment, eating left over pizza for a undignified amount of times in a month, she is so relieved to be free. even if the AC keeps crapping out and she's sweating in February and bodhi has been the only other person to visit her apartment she is so relieved. her thoughts were her own again and she was so happy she could cry "jyn you will always be my family. you know that right?" she doesn't deserve it cassian walking barefoot in the shore wash at blue hour this pain wasn't unbearable but it was a unique brand of torturous. knowing exactly what she wanted was right in front of her, seeing it, touching it in soft polite embraces that lingered just on the dangerous end of perfunctory hellos and goodbyes. she's already had a taste of exactly everything she wants (not needs, not anymore, and that made the pain tolerable but a new unique brand of torturous), and she couldn't have it. she threw it all away. no regrets could be had, she would have never made it here without giving it up, but it certainly didnt help when they sat on the opposite ends of the friends spanning a bar counter and her attention still strayed from whatever kes was talking about to start at his lips, soft  from worrying at the glass tumbler in his hand, hearing the memory of the laugh she only watched escape from him in real life as it was lost in the din of the bar. "i forgave you for literally tearing my heart apart the first time, but as much of a masochist as i am, I can't give you permission to do it again. so what is it jyn?" "come on jyn. it doesn't take an idiot to see how much we still care about each other" their scars are the only soft and tender part on them, new and innocent skin next to hard won calluses cassian's ex wife meet first time when cassian gets backup for his mission huge sexual tension competence porn celebrating successful mission, cassian shoots his shot she reveals she used to be in intelligence "understand this captain andor. i have a lot of respect for what you do. it's horrid work but it needs to be done. matter of fact i started in intelligence. but the one thing i know, is the kind of person that can stand that line of work, the kind of person i was back then, thats not the kind of people i want to break bread with" she pulls rank on him despite him being older and more experienced. "in my branch you get promoted fast because you die fast" cassian was being pessimistic/realist sbout expected bad outcome but young recruit is horrified more massive sexual tension at a bar or something, she goes outside to make out with some rando guy, cassian follows her and chases him off and kisses her. not nice and tender, hatefuck in an alleyway but it's so hot doesn't see each other again fuck in a tent, fuck in the showers start to bond, see each other's honour and kindess. after a bad mission she's doubting herself, unable to sleep, cassian takes her to a secret vantage point. "sometimes i think i'm a dispicable person" "not to me" he kisses her "what, really here?" where they're in constant threat of being walked in on "no." they just make out and its tender snd loving and it scares her off and she avoids him for a while cassian gets captured and held in solitary confinement for months, mentally tortured, starved. tries to escape, gets punished. gets fucked up in the head. draven and elkie are the only one pushing to find him and break him out.  after cassian is found and returns to base he's a shell of himself, spooked, makes intense eye contact with elkie as he passes her but no aknowledgement of their signifigance to each other. after medical checks he's left alone and starts to panic, but before he freaks out fully, she comes into his room with shaving kit and a peach. she cuts a few slices for him to enjoy because hes not really allowed fruit, talks to him and shaves him as he heals she arranges for him to be put in a room with a chatty old soldier who keeps telling him old war stories, and visits him whenever she back on base. after a particularly bad mission. she crawls into his hospital bed in the middle of the night. after he's discharged, she sleeps with him whenever she can, calming him down after nightmares. one night he knows she's sleep deprived and needing to wake up early for important things the next day and tells her to stop sacrificing her sleep to help him. she's quiet before she asks if he is making her leave. he says no, so she just snuggles up to him. he realizes she prefers being woken up all night to sleeping without him. one say when cassian's feeling like he cant stand being amongst the people on the base in the mess hall, she brings him back to the vantage point to have lunch. they fuck but it's making love. something in between she gets captured and tortured. breaks leg. cassian rescues her. cassian cares for her in the immediate aftermath, she wakes up to him asleep in the hospital chair after he comes back from his own mission back on base, superiors want to send her off base to recuperate and get better PT, she really doesn't want to go, she knows she might never make it back and lose her nerve and her mind. their sleeping in cassian's bed and she admits this. he says there's desk work she can do on base. "married officers get first choice of postings" she's stunned by the insinuation "i need to know you arent whoring yourself out out of some misplaced need to take care of me. just because you slept with me a couple times doesn't mean i'm your responsibility." "i need to know you aren't... offering... out of convenience. just a loophole to help me out" "i'm not. i can't live without you anymore" they get married, she takes his name. captain andor and captain andor she drops off the grid for an extended period of time, she sees him in a crowd and he thinks she's a hostile, tries to take her down but she takes off her mask and goggles she dies in his arms CASSIAN'S LITTLE SISTER/DAUGHTER cassian's 16 she's 8, he saves her and has to babysit her for a while around rogue one she's 18 starting to do field work as an agent cassian as fulcrum is not nice or friendly but mentors her and takes care of her she just starts acting like a friend even though she has no reason to treat him like one bonds with jyn they go to each other when they're concerned about cassian, jyn tells her about a miscarriage, she tells jyn about PTSD she doesn't want to admit to cassian later as peace becomes more viable and cassian less cold and jaded, he starts to act like her family and at first it scares her off a bit she's hostile, says you don't have any right treating me like a child considering how you treated me in the past CASSIAN JYN F1 bodhi jyn both trained by legendary race strategist galen erso (betrays imperial team and orson krennic?) bodhi was trained to to compete and be great, jyn was thrown in and not expected by others to be a real competitor jyn joins f1 with saw gerrera's partisans, low midfield team, strapped for cash bodhi drives with his brain jyn drives with her gut bodhi tells her she can be truly great when she masters melding the thinking and control with her raw talent jyn podiums once and is over the moon but cassian isnt happy for her and she doesnt understand cassian says she doesnt understand racing yet, put herself on the line for revenge, had no way of knowing she was gonna survive her dirty trick and she only won when almost half the field retired calls her hotheaded and not ready cassian was an excellent ruthless driver, would drive dirty to make the win very good (champion?) gets into bad crash (jyn saves him?) and retires, join rebellion as race strategist cassian suggests jyn as new driver leia backs him up jyn helps cassian with his PT and tells him he doesn't have to put on a mask for her and he allows himself to show that he's in pain jyn falls asleep in cassian's hotel room and when he tucks her in she grabs him and they fall asleep together at a party after a good win jyn's tipsy and grabs cassian and starts singing and dancing in his face and cassian is laughing and loving every moment jyn's championship title comes down to the last race she gets a rough bump that physically takes a toll on her she has a good lead but she blows a tire and limps home (krennic gets on the radio somehow to try and break her confidence?) cassian: "do your best, bring her home. i'm right here jyn, I'm with you to the end. I'm not going anywhere" jyn wins a championship and retires she's proved herself after no one thought she would, defeated vader for a season she knows she doesn't have a strong chance of doing it again and wants to make room for luke and han so they don't join imperial F1 STORY young hotshot female driver gets put into falling from glory ferrari with him he used to be eyed as the next great talent but in a shit car he doesn't have any accomplishments to show and is starting to lose the hype and his drive to win she idolizes him, after a race where she does very well for a rookie and he delivers good but not great results, she goes into his driver's room and congratulates him on a good drive out of a need to assert control he fucks her he's trying to massage his own shoulder, she says here let me help, get close, talking, he turns to catch her eye and realises how close they are and kisses her fucks her on the desk, hot and dirty after their lustful scramble he comes back yo his senses and is a bit ashamed of what he's done kisses her on the forehead and leaves, saying see you tomorrow they keep hooking up throughout her rookie season, and spending time together in the public eye, her sweet genuine humorous personality tempers his steely cold and focussed persona and media and fans eat it up, everyone loves them as old gruff dude and young hotshot jokester duo two seasons like that as they grow closer there's a picture of him as a f1 rookie giving 14yo her a trophy forehead kisses become a meme she tells him what he already knows, he needs to jump ship from the team he loves in order to win he signs with a top three team as she continues to get more experience at their old team throughout the season they continue hooking up and hanging out in winter break they spend a lot of time with each other, to the point it seems like they're dating but theyve never discussed it he wins a world championship, realises the only person he wants to celebrate with is her she gets signed to a title contender team next time they hook up he's being a tender and says something commitment related she freezes up "what did you think this is" "yeah of course anyone would jump at the chance to fuck their idols, that doesn't mean their idols would be a good person to settle down with" "did u think i would fall in love with you just because i look up to you? im not some groupie. as if you weren't just taking advantage of me the first time, cheating on your girlfriend. im smart enough to know I'm not special, if you did it to her you certainly have it in you to do it to me" "i think we should stop doing this" breakup, theyre both heartbroken he feels betrayed, thinking the girl he's in love with just used him she doesn't want to admit she really did fall for him he gets signed to the same team as her the whole world is super excited to see their chemistry again but they're super cold, barely together, barely acknowledge each other press conference she blows off the question of whether she's excited to be teammates again he gets into tabloids rumored to be dating hot celebs they have a bad rivalry on the track fighting for positions gets double retirement and other bad things eventually he realises she only pushed him away out of self preservation and she mist have loved him to have done so much and cared for him the way she did he apologizes and asks her to give them a chance she's shocked but she agrees, but she says they shouldnt be together until the season is over cue sexual tension she misses him too much and he comes into her hotel room to get a fright shes in his bed and they cuddle she wins the championship after 5 years of being together and racing, he retires proposes to her, to the shock of the world

[missmonsters2]

Drive Her Crazy || Part IV

PAIRING: Wanda Maximoff x OFC/Reader

Summary: AU. Meet Wanda, the new ‘It’ girl. She’s built her social standing as a social influencer through Instagram and vlogging on Youtube. Queen Bee in her social circle, she’s got everyone wrapped around her finger. She’s perfect, you think. Girls like that require a little finesse, and you’re ready to play the game.

Warnings: Non-healthy relationship, psychological games, smut(?)

Note: Welcome to a Tumblr exclusive! PM me if you would like to be added onto the tag list for updates. 

Also, these parts keep getting progressively longer...sorry 😬

PART I || PART II || PART III 

PART IV of X

Count: 4655

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶

You pull up on the driveway of someone else who looks like they have a lot of money (well, you knew they did on the fact that it was a gated community, and then the person’s house had a personal gate again that you had to tell a guard your name before they opened it).

You parked your car onto their spacious driveway along with the other cars. Goddamn, this person had a fountain...in their driveway. You grab the wine you had gotten as a gift, your bag that had a little surprise for Wanda and make your way to the door. 

Ringing the doorbell, you wait a couple seconds before someone opens the door. You’re greeted with Wanda’s blue eyes as she excitedly hugs you.

“You made it!”

You return her hug, and when you pull back, she’s already leading you through the massive house. In the kitchen, you find a group of people there who are flitting around preparing for dinner.

They all turn to you, curious and some smiling. You see Vision in the corner next to another man.

Wanda introduces you to everyone, and they’re greeting you. “That’s Tony and Pepper, they’re married. This is Steve and Bucky, that’s Clint and Bruce, my fiancé Vision there, and of course, the star of tonight, Natasha!”

You’re trying to keep up with the names, but you’re sure you’re going to have to ask for them multiple times tonight. At least you’ll remember Natasha since the party is for her. 

“Congratulations are in order I hear,” you tell Natasha, offering her the wine bottle.

“I hope you like red,” you say. 

Natasha grabs the bottle from you, eyeing it with an impressed raised brow.

“Bordeaux wine Pétrus. Impressive. Even my new boss hasn’t gifted me anything this nice,” she smiles at you and for a moment, you’re enchanted by her slender and seductive features.

“Hey!” You hear, looking over to see the man with the Goatee (Tony, you think?) yell indignantly.

“Working for me is the gift,” Tony says, and you try not to laugh as Natasha rolls her eyes. Tony turns to you, a twinkle in his eye. “I’ve finally managed to snipe Natasha from the competition, you see. I’ve got the best publicist in this state, possibly America.”

You whistle impressively, turning to Natasha who just winks at you. Wanda grabs your attention again by touching your arm. You look over and give her a smile.

“What’s...Bordeaux wine Pétrus? Is it that good?” You look over to see the unbelievably fit blond man ask (seriously his body is the shape of a Dorito). 

“The bottle is around two grand, Steve. It’s more than good,” The guy next to him says. Steve’s eyes widen at you, and Wanda does the same. You just scratch the back of your head awkwardly with an upturn of your lip. 

When dinner starts, you opt to sit across from Natasha instead of Wanda. The dinner is pretty peaceful until Natasha asks you what you do for work. Wanda is about to answer for you, but you answer first.

“I’m actually a DJ,” you say. Natasha hums, licking her lips.

“Really? I don’t think I recognize your face.” Natasha says, and everyone is squinting trying to see if they know who you are.

You chuckle, “Yeah, probably because I do wear a mask when I perform.”

“Ah, hah! Since I highly doubt you’re Marshmellow, you must be Lady Phantom.” Clint snaps his fingers, and everyone turns their attention to him but then back to you.

You nod once, putting another bite of your into your mouth. Natasha’s just smirking at you, and you’re returning the look with a slight raise of your brow. 

“What’s wrong, Wanda? You look like someone just snatched your belongings.” Tony says, and you turn to look at Wanda who does look a little displeased.

She glares at you with a bit of sulk, “I can’t believe you just told everyone so easily, while I made a fool of myself before finding out.”

You laugh as she throws a grape at you. 

“How did you find out?” Bruce asked. 

You smile, taking the grape she threw at you and ate it. “Wanda had a photoshoot in Palm Desert the same time I had a gig there. Since she needed the ride, I took her along with me, and she so kindly gushed how she was a fan of Lady Phantom, not realizing that that was me. She didn’t find out until I was playing at the gig.”

Wanda groans as everyone begins to laugh, sending you another glare. Vision looks at you with slight displeasure showing on his face.

“I don’t understand the mystery. Why the mask? Isn’t it contradictory to have the mask but seek fame?” Vision asks.

You raise your brow at him with a crooked grin. “Well, I wouldn’t say I seek fame. It’s more of a result of my work. The mask is my branding. That’s how Clint was able to recognize who I was before I could say. I’m not opposed to the public knowing my face, but while I can, I enjoy my privacy.”

“It doesn’t feel very authentic,” Vision comments and Wanda elbows him in the rib, and he looks at her confused.

You merely shrug your shoulders. “My process is my own. My work speaks for itself, and I believe that image is a part of owning success and fame. You have to be extremely talented if you want to put your work out there anonymously as your brand. If you don’t believe in branding, then you’re just one of the billions of people who are floating with nothing to differentiate yourself. If you aren’t just made of talent, then you have to work hard, which means putting yourself out there. It would be incredibly naive to believe that success will just fall into your lap.”

You say and Natasha and Tony nod approvingly at you. You glance at Vision again with a subtly smug look in your face as he frowns at you with his brows furrowed. 

The rest of the dinner goes smoothly, you and Natasha make a lot of conversation, and you purposely did that. You could see Wanda staring at the two of you, conflicted on trying to join in on the conversation but finding it hard to.

“You should show me your work sometime,” Natasha says as you both pick up the plates and head over the sink. 

“Depends, Romanoff. What do I get in return?” You ask a little flirty. The redhead curves her lip upward.

“I’m pretty negotiable,” Natasha tells you in return. You lick your bottom lip and watch as Natasha eyes the action.

You’re about to say something else when Wanda comes up and interrupts you two.

“C’mon slowpokes, everyone is in the living room. Tony says you can just leave the dishes on the side.” Wanda grabs your arm and starts pulling you away while Natasha walks behind you two. 

This time, Wanda gets you to sit next to her, and Natasha sits on your other side. Tony and Pepper had brought over the alcohol, including your wine while Steve and Bucky went over to the bar to grab some glasses. 

They open your bottle and pour everyone a glass. You limit yourself to just this one glass as you want to be able to drive home later. 

Once the drinks are served, Tony immediately announcing it’s now game time. You play a variety of board games. After about 4 games, you all opt to sit and relax a little.

“So,” Natasha starts. “Any upcoming plans anyone?”

“I’m taking Pepper to the Bahamas for our anniversary next week.” Pepper grins as she’s sitting in Tony’s lap with his arms around his waist.

“Yeah, I’m thinking of taking the kids and wife to our lake house for the rest of the summer,” Clint says.

“Bucky and I are going to Brooklyn to visit our friends there for a couple weeks. We actually are considering moving there.” Steve says, looking over to Bucky who nods.

“I have a huge project, so this is probably the last time I’ll see the outside world for a while,” Bruce says with a sigh, taking a sip from his glass.

Wanda sighs as she’s leaning against Vision. “I want to go to Wasteland, but I want to get a guest pass so I can avoid the crowd in the VIP section, but all the brands I’ve worked with couldn’t get me passes. I might just have to risk it at VIP.”

You smile, and everyone turns to you. You pull your bag towards you and dig for what you’re looking for. You pull out 3 Artiste passes and Wanda gasps.

“I’m actually performing at Wasteland. They gave me some Artiste passes.” You hand two over to Wanda so she can give one to Vision. She squeals happily and throws her arms around you. You return the hug, eyeing Vision briefly but he catches it.

“What are Artiste passes?” Natasha asks.

“They are basically above VIP passes. It is a secluded section for basically celebrities. You can only get them from producers of the festival or from artists. With the Artiste passes, you can go backstage though.” Wanda says as she admires the photos. She’s already taking pictures of them for her Instagram with her phone. 

It was purposeful. You wanted Wanda to see how you could provide her anything she wanted where Vision could not, and the man could see that.

He eyed the passes with a level of anger but didn’t say anything. 

You weren’t done there, though. Originally, you were going to give all three passes to Wanda and have her see which of her friends wanted to tag along, but you decided you were going to ask Natasha yourself.

The redhead was perfect in the sense that she was a moving piece to make Wanda look more carefully at you.

You tilt the last pass at Natasha.

“Come see me play,” you tell the redhead. She smirks and takes the pass.

“What happened to getting something in return?”

“I’m sure I’ll think of something there,” you tell her with a smile. 

You could hear Clint snickering in the background.

“Let’s get back to playing some drinking games!” Wanda suddenly exclaimed, getting up and getting other people to stand up with her. You hid your smirk as you also stood up and held out your hand to Natasha to help her. 

It felt like a frat party after with all the drinking games you haven’t played since college. 

It was getting pretty late, and you were in the middle of a beer pong game with Steve and Bucky, and Natasha as your partner. You had let the redhead know you weren’t looking to drink as you wanted to be able to drive home safely after and she kindly drank every cup you guys lost. 

It was getting to a pretty close game, and since you were both competitive by nature, you told Natasha you both needed to start trying to get your shots into the same cup so you could try to end it in the next turn.

On your next turn, you had shot one into Steve and Bucky’s middle cup, and Natasha followed your suit, easily shooting hers into the same cup. Steve and Bucky loudly groaned in disappointment as they began to drink the middle cup and all the surrounding cups that touched the middle. 

You cheered, and Natasha smirked, taking her beer from the side and took a sip from it. 

Opting to not play another round, Clint and Bruce went to play against Steve and Bucky. The two of you instead stood against the kitchen counter and chatted. 

It was mostly just banter, but it was going pretty well until Wanda showed up, looking quite unhappy.

“I’m not feeling well. I want to go home,” she looked at Natasha before turning to you. 

She looked pretty drunk, but you weren’t sure if you would say she looked sick. You made it clear you were looking for Vision but found him passed out on the couch from drinking too much.

You turn your attention back to Wanda and Natasha, and gave the redhead an apologetic smile.

“Alright, Wanda. Let’s get you home,” you tell her and she tries to walk but stumbles, causing you to reach out and grab her. She leans against you with her eyes closed.

“Sorry, Natasha. I’m going to head out and take Wanda since I haven’t drank. It was really nice to meet you and congratulations again.”

Natasha stops you from leaving for a second, grabbing a pen from the counter. She scribbles something on your hand, and when she’s done, you take a quick look to see it’s her number.

“Call me,” Natasha purrs, and you’re about to reply, but Wanda is tugging on your sleeve. You just give Natasha a smile and wrap your arm around Wanda’s waist to help her walk.

At the stairs, you place her on the step as you find her shoes to help her put it on. She’s quite compliant now, grinning a little as you slip on her flats.

“I’m like Cinderella,” she giggles.

You give a snort in response, “and what? I’m your pumpkin carriage ride?”

You’re helping her outside and placing her gently into the passenger seat and strapping her in. You really hope she doesn’t vomit as you get into the driver seat and drive off.

“No,” she whines like you’re supposed to get it. “Obviously, you put my shoes on. You’re my prince!” 

You can’t help but laugh because she sounds ridiculous. 

“Anyway,” Wanda says. “You’re getting along with Natasha really well.”

You turn over to look at Wanda, but she has her head against the window with her eyes closed so you can’t really tell exactly what she meant by that.

“Yes,” you say slowly. “She’s great.”

You hear Wanda grumble something under her breath that sounded strangely like, “I’m great,” but you can’t be sure.

When you arrive at Wanda’s house, you get out to open the passenger door and try to wake her up. She grumbles and throws her arms around your neck, and you’re stuck trying to half-drag, half-carry her to the door. You pull her keys from her pockets and help her up to her room. She mumbles that it’s the farthest room in the back.

When you settle her on the bed with a huff, you’re thinking that you need to start working out again. Not that Wanda was heavy, you’re just that out of shape.

Wanda shifts a couple times to get comfortable, and you just look at how adorable she is. Looking around, you look at the bedroom Wanda and Vision share. It seems like Wanda had mostly styled it. There was a giant picture of them at the beach together. You walk over the ledge to look at the smaller picture frames. 

There were some of Vision and Wanda, a couple of the friends you had met today, but there was one photo of Wanda together with a man you didn’t recognize. He had his arm wrapped around Wanda, and her arm was around his waist as they laughed.

“That was Pietro...my twin brother.”

You turn around to see Wanda still lying in bed against her pillows, but her eyes were now open.

You walk over and sit next to her on the bed. “I didn’t know you had a brother.”

Wanda’s eyes flutter lightly as she looks downward. “I don’t anymore...”

Your heart race is picking up a little, you gently put your hand over hers. “Hey, hey, you don’t have to explain anything to me. I’m sorry.”

Wanda just shakes her head, wiping her tear. “No, sorry. It’s fine. It’s just...still hard to believe he’s gone sometimes.”

You shift against the bed a little more, but Wanda scoots over for you so you can sit next to her.

“It was just really sudden,” she starts, looking at the ceiling. “That morning it was normal, I had even called him to chat. But then in the middle of the night, the police show up at my door saying he was just at the wrong place, wrong time. He was shot many times because he witnessed a bank robbery.” It was the alcohol that made Wanda’s emotions so frayed as she choked on a sob. You wrapped your arm around her shoulder and pulled her into your arms.

“Shh, I’m so sorry, Wanda.” You say. You’re mostly sorry for bringing up such unpleasant memories, but Wanda just cries in your arms, her shoulders heaving as you rub her arm and back. 

Eventually, the crying stops, but she doesn’t leave your embrace.

“Sorry,” she says hoarsely. “I don’t know what came over me.”

You merely just rub her arm in response and softly ask, “When did he pass?”

“It’ll be 3 years in a week,” she tells you. It’s just before Wasteland, so you’re surprised that she would want to go, but everyone has their way of grieving.

It’s silent for a moment until Wanda speaks up again. “Have you ever lost anyone?”

You look up at the ceiling for a bit before turning to her.

“Not like you have,” you say softly. “But my aunt passed away when I was 16. I was mostly raised by her since my parents were constantly working. My aunt  was pretty much everyone I needed back then.”

“What happened?” Wanda asks, softly, leaning against your shoulder.

“Cancer. It came back pretty aggressively,” you say, reminiscing the past briefly.

“Sorry,” Wanda says, a little muffled.

You chuckle softly and shake your head. “It’s alright, my aunt was pretty intense about me accepting her death. Snarky little thing she was,” you said, and Wanda couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I remember when she first caught me smoking. Oh boy, she was so damn mad, I thought my life would end there. But then she went eerily calm, and that’s when you know you’re in deep shit with her. The goddamn woman made me smoke an entire pack at once. I still gag when I smell cigarettes.” You say, shivering at the memory.

Wanda bursts out into laughter, and you smile at your success in getting her to do so. 

Wanda starts to open up, sharing stories about Pietro, laughing as she recalled some of them.

“He used to take me to Manhattan beach and make paprikash. He would always make it a picnic, and we would sit out there for hours, just remembering what it was like back in Sokovia.”

“How long were you in Sokovia?” You asked.

“We immigrated when we became 18 since our parents were gone.”

You nodded and looked over at her again. Her eyes were threatening to close, but she was fighting to hang on.

You turn your head away and put the back of your hand to your mouth, trying to not laugh at how cute she was.

“Alright, you. That’s enough for one night. You need to sleep.” You tell her, getting ready to get up and leave, but Wanda holds onto you.

“Stay,” she says, and you look confused. “Just until I fall asleep. Please?”

You take a deep breath in but nod and move back to your spot. Wanda settles in under the blanket this time, and it’s not long at all before she falls asleep.

You’re looking at the photo of Pietro and Wanda through the dark the best you can, tapping your leg idly.

Another moving piece.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶

You don’t have too much time to spend time or chat with Wanda the next week because you’re preparing your set and making sure everything is perfect for Wasteland. You do manage to call Natasha as she asked. It’s mostly spent with her asking about Wasteland and how to prepare for the event. It felt like she was expecting you to ask her on a date, but you were saving that.

That week, you had also spent time looking for a restaurant that served authentic paprikash. You managed to find one, but it was a little out of your way. You still went, of course. It was owned by an old woman who ran it with her son.

You ordered the dish, and it tasted amazing. While you had nothing to really compare it to, it felt right. You probably sat there for hours trying to figure out what was going on in the dish with an insane amount of Googling.

After sitting for two hours, the old woman came up to you and sat down.

“What is it that you want?” She asked with a heavy accent, looking at you suspiciously. “Are you trying to steal recipe?”

“What? No!” You say but then pause. “Well, I guess kind of, but not to sell. My friend is from Sokovia, and she gets homesick sometimes...I just want to learn how to make this for her and hopefully make her happier.”

The old woman just stares at you before getting up and walking off. You think she’s just going to leave you alone again until she turns back.

“Well? Are you coming?” She says with a raise of her wrinkly brow.

You get up automatically and follow the old woman into the back. She pulls out the ingredients and puts it in front of you.

“You will start with seasoning chicken...”

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶

It’s early in the morning of Pietro’s death anniversary. You’re just planning to bring some paprikash to Wanda since you’re pretty sure Vision is spending the day with her.

You have other things to do during the day, but around late evening, you make the dish. You’ve damn near perfected it at this point with the help of the old lady.

You get the contents into a cordless slow cooker and carefully bring it into your car. When you drive over to Wanda’s, you see the lights on. You bring the pot over and use your elbow to ring the doorbell.

To your surprise, Vision answers the door.

“Oh,” he says, looking confused. “Hello.”

“Hey...” you say. “Wanda home?”

Vision purses his lips and rubs the back of his neck.

“Um...today is kind of...” He starts, but you cut him off.

“I know what today is,” you tell him, trying to not roll your eyes.

“Oh,” Vision says, looking surprised. “Okay. Well, Wanda has told me she is someone who prefers to spend this day alone. She pretty much spends it at the beach the entire day.”

You’re floored at his response.

He’s seriously never tried to do anything for her on this day?

You almost want to laugh in his face.

“Right...” You say. “Cool, well, bye.”

Without saying anything else, you turn and walk off back to your car.

You had an idea. You just needed to get a couple things from the store first.

When you got to the beach, the sun was setting. There were still many people walking around, but most were beginning to leave. Carrying everything you could in your bags and hands, you set up your picnic. 

With a sigh of relief, you sit down and pull out your phone. Holding the phone against your chin, you think for a moment.

With what Vision said, she was most likely already here. You look over to the pier and see many couples walking along it.  

Then you see her. 

She’s someone you would never miss. She was sitting at the edge, feet dangling over the water with her back turned to you.

You grinned and dial her number. From a distance, you could see her pull out her phone from her pocket, staring at it. For a second, you don’t think she’s going to pick up, but at the last second, she does.

She calls your name out a little confusedly.

“You know,” you start. “Pretty girls shouldn’t sit alone on a pier. There’s a high probability of attracting trouble.”

There’s silence on the line for a moment.

“And how would you know that?” She asks, and you see her turn her head left and right as if to search for you.

“Mostly because well, you’re a pretty girl, and I’m like 95% sure the dude on your right behind you is planning your kidnapping.”

“You think I’m pretty?”

You laugh, “Seriously? Of all things I say, that’s what you catch on?”

Wanda looks behind her and does see the guy creepily gazing at her, but she’s searching around again.

“Where are you?” She asks, obviously knowing you’re close by. 

“Behind you on your left...keep turning....stop.” You guide her, and she makes direct eye contact with you even though you’re a bit away. You think that’s her jaw-dropping, but it’s a little too far for you to discern for sure.

“Oh my god, what are you doing?” Wanda says, standing up.

“Well, come over and find out,” You say and hang up the phone.

It takes a couple minutes for Wanda to reach where you are, but when she does, she’s in awe at everything.

“What is this?” She asks, tears welling up in her eyes.

You get up and stand in front her, putting on a nervous grin. “I know today...well...sucks. And I know it’s not the same as him being here, but you deserve more than just sitting on a pier by yourself.”

Pulling her to sit down on the pillow, she looks at everything.

“How did you know?” She asks.

“Well...I...I guess I stopped by earlier and Vision told me...I stopped by to give you...well, this.” You awkwardly stumble over your words but turn to the slow cooker and open the lid. The food is still piping hot as you left the cooker on to prevent the food from getting cold. The aroma immediately hits the air, and Wanda groans happily.

“Is that paprikash?” She asks, eyes wide with a small smile.

“I sure hope so...” you mumble. It wasn’t that you doubted the old lady (well you kind of did), but Wanda was trying it, and you were nervous as fuck. This was a dish she ate with her deceased brother. 

Wanda grabs a bowl and the ladle you brought along and scoops herself some. You’re trying to not obsessively watch her as she tries her first bite, but you’re definitely waiting with bated breath. 

She closes her eyes and hums satisfyingly, and you release the breath you were holding.

“Wow, this tastes just like home...how did you know how to make it?” Wanda asks, scooping more into her mouth.

You relax a little, scooping some yourself to eat.

“There’s actually a restaurant owned by this old Hungarian woman about 40 minutes away from where we live. I went to eat there last week and pretty much loitered until she showed me how to make it...provided I’m not opening my own restaurant.” You say as if it wasn’t a big deal, happily eating your meal. 

You notice Wanda just staring at you, lips turned slightly upward as she softly but intently gazes at you. She then turns her attention down to your fingers that have a couple band-aids on it. You follow her eyes and sheepishly laugh.

“Yeah...I wouldn’t say cooking is my strongest skill and she takes paprikash very seriously.” You flashback to the number of times you accidentally nicked your finger or burnt it on the stove. 

Wanda is looking even more endearingly at you, and you internally feel the satisfaction. 

“Thank you,” she says sincerely, putting down her finished bowl. “This was really sweet of you.”

You just smile in return and shrug your shoulders. “Don’t spend this day completely alone, okay? I would hate to hunt you down again.”

Wanda smile as you, glint in her eyes as she relaxes. 

“Perhaps that wouldn’t be bad.”

PART V

[prozaac--nation]

July 26, 2020

I've recently regained access to my tumblr accounts again. I read a lot of my old diary posts on here, of course I simulaniously kept a physical diary too.

I guess I should update, I am alive and much MUCH better than I used to be. Most days I am actually okay. I am still with dave although after 6 years our relationship is facing some problems but we constantly work on it. I live with him and our 2 cats (i got new ones). I broke off contact with sara on december 31st 2018. I often miss her and the connection we had but I know it is for the best.

I still have contact to mary, or again. We had a hard phase again a while back but i think were fine now, we keep talking usually on a comfortable level. I started talking to jonny again a few days ago and god did I miss him. We werent in touch much over the last few years bc life happens. I still dont speak to my dad, his wife left him and he got another child with her shortly before that. Me and my brother are good, we dont see eachother that much but we chat on whatapp and send eschother memes and stuff. I dont have many people left in my life and i still get left a lot by others. My best friend right now is Amel, he was in the apprenticeship with me.

I have grown a lot more selfconfident and stopped selfharm pretty much entirely (including hitting myself or tables etc). I didnt cut in years. I stopped smoking cigs and on april 1st 2020 i stopped smoking weed bc it was giving me bad panic attacks. I tried it again on friday but it still gave me a rlly bad panic attack so now I think i might stop for good. I still drink a little sometimes but can also not really handle it very well at the moment. Anxiety is getting the better of me and I get heartraces really fast from various things. But im dealing with it and avoiding what needs to be avoided.

This year I really tried to be better to myself, to love my body and take care of it. I also started working out and eating healthier vut the last 2 weeks ive been falling into old habits with food. But im doing my best.

I would say my life is pretty good compared to what it used to be. I still struggle a lot sometimes but thats just how life is. The hardest part is trying to not fall back into the negative thought patterns I used to have as this blog clearly shows. Its to tempting but since I got a lot more spiritual and have been working with the law of attaction i know its something i cant allow myself, or at least not very often. I have to stay positive no matter what and it really works.

I also started tattooing 4 years ago and have build myself something nice, even if i cant live from it yet.

Im gonna add a recent picture of me now. I am proud of what a strong woman I've become and how much I changed for the better.