#ive drained them i think...
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Thank you so muchhhh! I finally have fics to eat up 🥹🥹😭 -anon🪐💜
you are very very welcome, i hope you enjoy the fics that you end up reading!! and thank YOU for giving me the opportunity to go ham and show off some fics i enjoyed!
im. gonna go pass out now rhrjfjgnkdmgntmjgkf
#velwy.txt#🪐💜 anon#inbox#what im ACTUALLY going to do is out together a formatting tool on google sheets but thats a moot point#i try to strike some balance between obscure af fics and also popular fics#ill have to build up my bookmarked stock again#lol#ive drained them i think...#there are a ton of fics that i really enjoyed but didnt bookmark#which is something im working on fixing#and now i have a ton of tabs open again. for next time presumably lol#BUT THAT WONT BE FOR A WHILE. IM DOING ANOTHER LIST FOR TRANSFORMERS ND ILL NEED TO REST AFTE#-R THAT because these take a lot of effort 😭😭
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if im honest, im trying very hard to not publicly be upset about how the internet censorship has ruined so much for me and every other adult creator's income out there where i feel like the moment i cant post nsfw on patreon, i feel like that's it for me. i don't have anything else outside of what i do now and i'm just, tired.
#i still do commissions#i still have an etsy#but with etsy it's expensive to get shit made#and with commissions ive been slow on them too and i hate being slow but i am#like everything is just#make money make money make money#and it's upsetting and draining#like it's why i dont even want to monetize my webcomics on tapas or even put them on webtoon#cuz my webcomics are the only things i do not want to monetize lest i get burnt out on that too#burnt out more than i already am#at this point i just hope i can just keel over and die idk#awful thing to say and think but idk what to do anymore for myself#ive practically given up on everything and thats not good#sorry for the vent uh#yeah.
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Just a bit of lore relevant vent art (with terrible proportions bc apparently I mess that up horribly when I'm tired ugh. Watch me regret posting this tomorrow. The head size is already driving me mad bc it's too big, and I can feel myself wanting to abort this mission already) of Mourynn just, lying down on top of one of those large elevated Pale Tree roots far above the Grove (and far away from everyone else), and during the time between the early years and before the Personal story. Caithe is gone (Destiny's Edge), Wynne is gone (bc well, y'know...), even Faolain is gone (bc of Caithe in DE), and she's just feeling miserable, lost, and alone. (Her hair is in between her sapling hair and the Zhaitan hair, so it's grown out a bit bc she's depressed, and she's meant to be in the new outfit she designed, but I'm in the process of redesigning it a bit, so I've made a few tentative changes for now. Her collar is now just an extension of her clavicle leaves which can be put up like a collar, or can be draped down over her shoulders or back)
#gw2#sylvari#artgallery#mourynn#mourynn art#I've just been so tired lately bc of work#also just going a bit stir crazy with the silence (lonely; but alas I unfortunately suck at starting convos bc I have nothing interesting t#talk about and work has been draining my social energy; making it even harder :( (I'd rather burn the social energy with friends yknow?)#it's getting a wee bit better; but I haven't had much time or energy to even game while we're in the midst of our busiest season :(#I miss hanging out and chatting with my buds; but the universe insists on keeping us apart :(#just miss having something to look forward to throughout my day. Been trying to fill it with other things; but the depresso is overriding i#Mostly just been me with my thoughts and that is just bad bc I got so many horrors in there lmao.#I wanna at the very least; draw more or game more to distract from it; but work is sapping all my time and energy from it.#but also it's very quiet on my end and it's kicking my overthinking into overdrive so I#Ive just been fighting with my mind lately lmao#hopefully this will all pass soon so I won't obsessively keep thinking about it loll#lol I'd post this in the servers but it's vent art so it feels a bit weird to do; so it's going straight to home video w/o a theater releas#hopefully once work calms down it'll help#(I have so many long shifts makes me so frustrated bc I hate them and I run out of steam half way through)#other than all that I'm doing fine lol. My brain's always been like this; But I usually only get like this during the winter season#(bc of the holidays making everything quiet and also the SAD) so it feels weird having this exact same feeling happen to me in July lol
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*raises hand* But what if Papas with an S/O who’s been promoted to Cardinal position? What if teary-eyed Copia because he’s so proud of them and constantly reminding them of that, or Terzo boasting that of course his beloved has gotten this far, they’re a hard-working genius! What if Secondo throws a celebratory party or even rents out an entire restaurant for the both of you, or Primo breaks out The Good Stash because Hell Yeah, you are so going to Hell with him hand in hand!
#the band ghost#on the other hand tho#I think everyone sans Primo would also be more concerned about their S/O and keep an eye on them a bit more#Copia knows how draining the position can be and doesn’t want you to be like him#Terzo is worried of the Clergy hurting your dreams#and Secondo doesn’t want your wants/needs to be limited by responsibilities foisted on you#papa emeritus i x reader#papa emeritus ii x reader#papa emeritus iii x reader#papa emeritus iv x reader
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It's very quickly become apparent since Purgatory 2 has started that there's next to no time for the players to do any kind of extensive rp, they came in w the lore recaps expecting the bolas vibes and instead they've all been thrown straight into the deep end with a focus on main tasks before they all fight to the death tomorrow.
God bless the rpers in this difficult time.
#all the lore research#down the drain in the desperate search for unspoiled food#qpurgatory 2#i think a main point is also that naturally they dont all know one another#but ive seen many players still slipping in the odd one liner and i lovr that for them
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Omg i just remembered that I have an old Kindle and I'm so excited. Going to read so many things I've been putting off bc regular screens hurt my eyes <3
#reading on mobile and desktop is sort of draining for me esp for longer fics#but i just realized you can download fics and send them to yourself#and i am so ecstatic#ive been thinking about these fics and now i can curl up and READ#ao3#firefly rants#happy happy happy
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how does one get a boyfriend
#bc ive been with NO ONE since covid#i mean there is this guy i dated back and forth since highschool and throughout university/covid#not like intense but he just reply to my story and some times asking about how i was with work yknow since we’re on the same field#but i don’t plan on getting back to him but we’re good#not saying we are friends or anything but we’re cool and still chat once in a while yknow since we’re like friends beforehand lol#and covid happened??? also graduated from uni?? with having only a year offline study lol#and then job hunting and eventually work makes me drained and have no energy for hanging out with people#also seeing every mutuals on my ig is getting engaged/married these past few months doesnt HELP??#most of them have been together for years#so i keep thinking about how can i find a bf in this time of age#boyfriend#life#relationship
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saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad
#pov u grow up in a 3rd world country(/planet) where healthcare workers are exported by the thousands like cheap produce to richer countries#it's your ticket out of poverty as long as you can deal with the loneliness the separation from everyone you know the discrimination etc#ive never talked about my hc that vespas mother was one of them sending money every month visiting every couple of years until it just stop#like why return to the swamps when youre doing fine working on a richer planet w much better living conditions#cost of living rises every year. sending home a % of your salary used to be enough to support your husband and daughter and then it isnt#you know how it goes#vespa is also dead set on this path until ranga realizes that hemorrhaging healthcare workers leaves them with little to none of their own#students on scholarships or in community/state universities are bound by return service agreements and are forbidden to leave the country#until theyve rendered a few years of work on ranga to pay back their tuition + as a really shitty solution to the brain drain problem#this is real in my country btw but my professors say a lot of ppl do break their rsa's and fucked off to work in other countries LOL#our state unis can barely afford decent facilities they do nottt have the budget to chase down their own alumni in other countries!#but the mental image is a bit funny#vespa ilkays first crime: tinakasan ang rsa#i do also think it lines up with her having a network of med friends everywhere in the galaxy (heart of it all) you kind of go into pre/med#expecting most of your classmates to leave to work in other countries eventually. mine are aiming for the usa / uae / europe / japan etc#anyway whether vespa breaks her rsa or not she leaves ranga asap decides to switch careers and the rest is history#i also deeply love the fact that she's superstitious i'm very sad it wasn't highlighted more (i've only heard s1-3)#as someone who did grow up in a rural area and went to more albularyos/folk healers than doctors in my childhood. (they never failed me)#lots of folk illnesses (ex. balis; pasma) local medical superstitions (dont eat noodles in hospital; youll have a really toxic shift) etcc#theres also a lot of potential in tying her past as a rangian + med student + assassin to me idk how to word this properly#being raised on cautionary tales of not to touch/disturb anything in the swamps then being given free reign to poke & prod at things in her#lab classes (now with the proper ppe)....she was having so much fun with the curemother prime too lmao#years of walking hanging bridges docks boathouses in ranga etc gave her great balance & stealth#cracking open alien shellfish in the swamps to cutting open bodies for studying then for assassination....#I MISS HER SO MUCH BALIK KN SAKEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i get why most people + the canon focuses on her being an assassin bc people find that cooler i guess#but vespa being a swamp girl > 3rd world med student > assassin is so personal To Me. the whole pipeline. eugh.#skl.txt
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i feel extra awful today n weak and i went downstairs n both my mom and my sister the first thing they said when they saw me was that i look pale o(-< whihc i dont even know how they can tell when i am literally always some form of purple
#but man i wish someone would hit me w a tranq shot#i just want out for a bit#pushed myself a lil too hard yesterday i think#but ive honestly been feeling worse lately for a long time#i say like i dont feel consistently worse . literally Always#my wisdom tooth still harms me everyday#i cant open my mouth barely at all#and my whole jaw is so tense 24/7 i feel like its draining my power#it's me fnaf keeping the doors down#also tw sh#but i have multiple open wounds that i have to pick dirt out of by hand everyday#because i dont have anything to use as a bandage#and they hurt so bad because i for some reason made the choice to do them on both legs#trying 2 sleep is a nightmare#i just want them to get scabs already but theyre taking so long#they refuse theyre just staying open#one of the slightly smaller ones did and honestly now it hurts more JHBJH.. because it's so tight any movement pulls on it'#and its so inflamed because of that#but at least it is better than just Ravine
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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#wendell#fortnite#so i just found out that my mom cooked smth delicious at home#and only now she decides to cook one#she didnt cook anything while i was staying there when this stupid house that i dont even own is being fixed#she specifically wait for me until this house is “done” aka has a bed even though theres still no clean water or fixed fences#and once im gone she goes back to cooking good food again#and she expects to be normal about this? to not get mad??? after all of my emergency money used up to fix someone else's house?????#i cant believe she expect me to respect or love any of them with this kind of treatment#i wanna cut off them so bad too bad im traumatized and my whole life ive only been striving for their attention and praises#and if i lose it my mental is gonna go down the drain#i hate this so much#how dare she says that she treat all of her children equal#when she only sing praises to my sibling for being able to achieve the assigned goal they made for him#and for my other sibling who now has 2 grand children#they think they didnt know they never talk about me to other people because im the shame of the family#while keep asking me money and making me pay for my brothers family needs#even though they all make the same or even more than me#i hate it#is it because im gay? or what?#like im still your son goddammit that is not ok#fuckkkkk
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#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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no hot shower for me tonight. but i will be channelling my inner medieval peasant and heating various pans of water on the hob for a bath.
#also no heating for me tonight or tomorrow or the day after or maybe even the day after that#in fact who knows when i'll get heating back :)#which is great because the temps just dropped from 15°c to 7°c#anyways. the water heater is Broken and Leaking and there's a Damp Patch on the ceiling#and i saw this 5 minutes before we had someone come to view the house#and ive called Multiple plumbers and im waiting for one to call me back because he may be able to come out and check tomorrow morning#but i think he forgot about me#so earliest is monday afternoon w/ someone else#we think we'll have to replace the whole thing but god knows how much that'll cost. alternatively we could get a combi boiler#which would be more efficient and space saving#but that's minimum like £5k#in the meantime we had to turn off the heater and drain out all the hot water#but i just :) i think the thing is. id spend anything if we werent hoping to buy a new place/move#but with the economy as it is we really dont want to take thousands of pounds out of our house deposit fund#and speaking of someone put an offer on our house today but they offered like £30k below the valued price and we were like#haha absolutely not. sorry but we cannot afford to do that#and the price is only like £8k more than what we paid in 2020#and i have no idea if my pharmacy managed to order in my meds and im almost Out again#and im not on them today so i have mad fatigue#and keep almost falling asleep#and im just done w it all. especially after all the horrible shit that's happened this week. politically. in the usa and germany etc#and all the other shit that's happening across the globe :)#im so sorry this is such a stupid overshare but i am so sick of things happening#tbd
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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Do you have someone you talk to everyday? Except family
anon why are you trying to give me an existential crisis in the middle of the day:') also. bold of you to assume i talk to my family every day jsfhdkjghjk
#EVERY day every day? idts. i do not talk to my college friends at ALL when im home over the weekends#except rarely when they text me about assignments#but i guess i talk to them every day during the working week cause i meet them every day#i guess i talk to certain mutuals pretty much every day. i think ive talked to phobicule almost every day this week#shoutout to hana and rafaela i think the past couple months ive been talking to them pretty much every day#i USED to have someone id talk to every single day even when we hadnt lived in the same city since elementary school but#that's a different story. she sucks#and i dont think we've been friends let alone best friends in like eight months now#and there were a couple of other people id talk to every day and we still do talk and i still love them as much obviously#but im just constantly drained and overworked so not EVERY day#and there are some people i wish i could talk to more but somehow have even less time and energy than i do#but i dont think we're any less close than we used to be because of that. life's just hectic we're still a call away#anon (derogatory)#<- sorry:')#im assuming you saw my college post and i dont really get why youd send this lol
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anyways my mom tried to justify screaming at me today with the fact that i'm "not grateful enough for everything she does" and it brought me right back to being with my ex so 👍🏻
#i guess i know where i learned to tolerate it from !#she screamed at me because i put broken down boxes in the trash and she was having a hard time getting the trash bag out of the trash#and after i went and did it (easily.) i told her that i don't think i should be being yelled at and spoken to so disrespectfully#and she immediately turned it around on me#listing everything im doing wrong and how i'm not grateful so.#she literally told me to go back into my room three times.#it's so draining having to relive it nd feel the same way#i don't understand why i'm not worth listen to or validating#i don't know why the people who love me just trample on my fucking feelings when i express them#she literally completely ignored me. JUSTIFIED yelling at me and being disrespectful#and then pointed out things im doing that she doesn't like#she had ME apologizing#why the fuck cant i catch a break please fuck#i just#why can i not be worth enough to people for unconditional love#both of my parents love and respect is conditional and it's so painful#i just. genuinely why can't people who love me just. treat me with respect#i looked at her dead in the face and was like you have a choice how you speak to me and it's not fair that when you're frustrated you#scream and insult me#but any time IM frustrated and have even the slightest tone she will hoot and holler and make me out to be the most disrespectful person#and then so she had ME apologizing and then literally said she's always apologized and ive never apologized to anyone in my life#like what the fuck is genuinely wrong with her#jester.txt
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