#Terzo is worried of the Clergy hurting your dreams

[ficandkaboodle]

*raises hand* But what if Papas with an S/O who’s been promoted to Cardinal position? What if teary-eyed Copia because he’s so proud of them and constantly reminding them of that, or Terzo boasting that of course his beloved has gotten this far, they’re a hard-working genius! What if Secondo throws a celebratory party or even rents out an entire restaurant for the both of you, or Primo breaks out The Good Stash because Hell Yeah, you are so going to Hell with him hand in hand!

[heavensmockery]

What a life.

Summary: Terzo learns an important lesson after his resurrection

TW : depression , trauma , death ,

AN: Maybe this fanfic will find you in a dark time of your life and remind you to keep going. Youre not alone.

He hasnt been present for the first week or two after the resurrection. Terzo didn’t know why, but maybe , it was because his brain decided to not let him remember, in case there was something deeply traumatic. Fuck, it was traumatic, everything was . but especially the moment he died and his soul left to hell. Especially the betrayal has set deeply into his heart

They betrayed him

Stole his future

His dreams

His lover

Maybe it was that what gave him this deep stab inside his already wounded soul. The people who he thought were his family turning against him, and then that he had to leave people he cared about behind. Terzo didn’t even want to know if there were people who had to watch him die. And if, he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself. Because the last thing he wanted was to leave a painful gap in these people’s hearts. But he knew the last part has been inevitable. What he also knew was that things weren’t the same anymore. But who would he be if he got mad or upset that he was replaced. Why would he be mad in the first place anyway? If he felt something it was worry, worry about that Copia would be just killed and replaced in the same cruel way. He blamed himself for not being able to atleast get him out of this after he found out what the clergy really thought about their papas. His perspective has been changed by being greeted with death in an non peaceful way

Terzo has been through..a lot. Even in an attempt to somewhat heal the cracks in his soul and the turmoil in his mind. The former Papa woke up to a feeling that something wasn’t right in some way. He was a fool for thinking that maybe death would wipe his mind, leaving a pleasant feeling of not remembering what happened on his mind. But this is not how the brain works. It will just repress until he would be “ready” to handle it. But is anyone ever ready to handle ones trauma at all- It was clear that at some point he would have to work through it. And the time came that day. It has been about a month after his resurrection when something was feeling off.

It began with a phase where he was repulsed, if not defensive even when someone addressed him by his title. He couldn’t stand it. Terzo has been never impolite about it. But it was the expression on his first that implied that he wasn’t to happy about being called Papa anymore. All in all, the pride was gone too. It rather has left a sour taste ,which of course got away over time, in his mouth that he was Papa. Some days he thinks about if accepting the title as Papa opened the door towards his death.

Then the wave hit him. It almost crushed him and it drowned him. Terzo was almost completely silent about it if even, he has disappeared from the ministries daily life in those painful weeks of his life. It wasn’t memories, but it was that pain that was in his heart and has spread into his brain, his eyes, his mouth. Terzo didn’t cry much about it, he rather mourned in silence. Starring at the wall for hours, days on end. He was afraid to sleep because he was afraid to remember. Terzo didn’t like confrontation in the first place anyway but this time he ran from it. He was and is still somewhat running from his past. Terzo didnt get much sleep. He was awake and somewhat almost on time every night he was striken with an existential crisis sort of feeling. He knew if he just bathed himself in that water that broke out of his shattered soul, as in drowning in that pain, he wouldn’t get better. He knew he couldn’t pull himself out, that’s just a rational thinking considering how deep the trauma was. But it hurt too mu h to talk about it. It felt like stabbing at a wound which was already bleeding. Touching a bruise what already hurts. And too, he was overwhelmed with the trauma, he didn’t want to make it worse.

It felt like this would never end . That this is all what was left of the confident and cheerful Terzo. Yes, he had his struggles in the past but he never thought that at some point he would hurt this much. It was like rock bottom had a basement.

One day, he understood. He understood that there was no way out but through it and that for this way through he had to drop most of the beliefs he had until now. And fundamentally, his view on life has been changed. After those weeks of isolation and dread, he was found in the garden, in the library, observing. Noticing details, tracing on textures. Fully in the present. It kept him from spiraling. It kept him from going inside the dark he had somewhat fought himself out of.  The darkness jad changed him just as much as his death. Like storms and floods have created new lands and islands, like a volcano outbreak left new fruitful grounds for plants. Like a sunset after a long and dreadful thunderstorm where the birds sang. Peace. He has grown soft, observant and still quiet. His tired eyes held a comforting gaze now.

And on some days he was found in the hammock in the garden , just enjoying the sounds and looks on nature. Every morning on his way to get coffee, he observes the stained glass through the sun shining through it, looking at the paint it leaves on the floor. He realized how colorful spring was and how warm summer evenings really were.

Maybe this calm after the storm changes your view on life as well and reminds you that there will be peace after the most painful thing in your life.

Don’t die yet.