#ive been. so upset for more reasons than just this. it feels like im struggling just to live day to day. just surviving.

[e-vay]

so… i turn thirty this year & after two failed relationships, im unsure how to have hope i’ll ever find my “person”. Ive been following you for a long time… how did you have hope that you’d eventually find someone and have a happy relationship?

If this is too intense or personal to ask, dont worry i just,,, i dont know. Its a struggle to feel like i’ll ever find The One and i know you went through something similar so… maybe you’d just have advice?

Thank you,,, i hope youre having an amazing night ❤️

I don’t mind you asking me this. If talking about the hard times I went through can help others get through it, I think it’s worth discussing. 

Like you said, I also struggled with love for a long time and after a few devastating relationships I gave up on dating altogether for a while. But, in hindsight, that ended up being a blessing because I was able to spend time bettering myself and—most importantly—learn to love myself. Yes, having a partner can make our lives richer, but I think it’s important to be able to enjoy your own company. Before, I thought the void inside of me needed to be filled by another person, so I would go out of my way to find somebody to do that without actually worrying whether or not they were the correct fit for me. Having time to focus on myself made me a better person (I think), and it ultimately ended up being for the best because I no longer felt like I was less than. Of course, I would still feel lonely from time-to-time and I’ve always been a romantic so I love the idea of love, but I got to the point where I felt fulfilled enough on my own so that when I met my now-husband, the feeling was significantly different. It wasn’t “I need to put this person in the hole that is my heart so that I can crawl my way up out of this pit,”... It was instead “Oh, this person significantly ADDS to the joy in my life” and that’s one of the reasons why he stood out to me as a partner. Though I would have liked to have met my husband sooner in life, honestly? Had we met sooner, before I matured and improved myself, we likely wouldn’t have worked out. I'm not saying you need to improve yourself. I'm just saying that that's what helped me and ended up giving me hope.

I also think society gives us too many unrealistic expectations and goals that we’re expected to meet by certain “deadlines”. Everybody moves at their own pace and has their own journey that’s unique to them. We can’t all be expected to follow the same linear path; humans are just too different. I was my husband’s very first girlfriend and he was 36 years old when we started dating. But when I’ve asked him if he’s upset/disappointed he never had a relationship before meeting me, he’s told me “No, I think we met when we were supposed to.”

Lastly, I want to address my personal beliefs on “The One.” Y’all know I’m a romantic and I do believe in soulmates, but I also believe we’re capable of having more than one soulmate. The world is too big for us to be limited to the chance of only ever finding one single person who is compatible for us. And if we miss out on meeting that one person, our chance of love is shot??? I just don’t believe that. When widows/widowers remarry, does that diminish the love they had for their late spouse? Of course not. It doesn’t mean their first love wasn’t just as important and meaningful as their new love. So, maybe you could find it helpful if you adopt this mindset as well. I think it makes the idea of romance seem less impossible.

I don’t know if this makes you feel any better but at the very least I hope you don’t feel worse for having read it! I don’t know you personally, but I wish you absolute happiness.

It's going to be okay 🙂

[broomsick]

Will the gods be upset with me if I do nothing for an entire year or more? Ive not tried to communicate, or left offerings or anything as im really not able to all the time.. and my mental health has not been all too kind. My nan also has dementia now so just been stressed and drained. Now and again each morning I will look toward my altar and say good morning to them. They are in my thoughts.

Why hello there, friend.

I’m so, so sorry to hear that you’re going through such a difficult time. There’s always mystery surrounding the thoughts of the Gods, the way they feel about our human lives and emotions. While it’s true that we can only grasp at what they think, there is also a great aspect of spiritual practice which we can all rely on to some extent: that is our faith, our instinct— in general, what our gut tells us.

And I personally believe that the Gods care for us, no matter how often we can afford to make offerings, or how often we pray. I believe they care about us in spite of our flaws. I have actually shared more on my thoughts on the topic in this previous post, if you’re interested in hearing the reasons behind this belief. I’ve always thought faith was at the very core of polytheism, after all, none of us practice in exactly the same way, but all of us share one thing in common: belief in the Gods. And what you have been doing, just keeping them in your thoughts, even making the effort of saying hello every morning, is plenty enough already. I feel like the Gods sometimes act towards us like they act towards a friend: a friend wouldn’t blame you, knowing all that you’re going through, right?

Now, I must also specify two things about this particular topic. The first is that I’ve never given credit to the idea that the Gods will get angry at every little “mistake”. Experience taught me that when somebody is trying to convince you that this or that deity is somehow “mad” at you, they’re very probably using a guilt tactic to manipulate you to some extent. And even if they’re not, then they’re still trying to make you adhere to their beliefs, thus placing them in a position of spiritual authority.

As I’ve mentioned, I’m no better than anybody when it comes to guessing at the Gods’ feelings. However, I’ve never heard of, or experienced a deity being somehow angry at one of their worshippers. Sure, this sort of occurrence appears in myth! But I’m always the first to point out that mythology and reality are fully distinct, and it’s important to draw that line when it comes to neo-pagan practice.

I hope you find in your heart that your deities do care for you very much. Sometimes it’s this faith that gets us through such difficult times of disconnect from spirituality. Every one us experiences these moments when we’re so busy we can barely spare a thought for our practice. But it’s nothing at all to feel guilty for. The amount of time we can dedicate to all aspects of our lives is variable. The Gods know this, and I believe they also know of our struggles as humans.

I hope you know that you’re so very resilient and strong, and that I admire you greatly for dealing with all of this, all the while keeping a thought for your spirituality. I hope you’re given all the care and support you deserve, and I believe your deities are right at your side, providing you with guidance and encouragement.

[firemenenthusiast]

tbh that post you made about archie and the braids makes me really wish there a bit more focus on Farleigh being mixed in the movie, specifically white and black and how that affects in like the standing of his family and general life if that makes sense? I just feel like it could've added more complexity and a different perspective on class, social structure, classim, etc, and how race plays a major role into stuff like that. I know that there's that one moment where Farleigh says something and Felix says "Is that was it is? Are you making it a race thing?" (I think lol) and Farleigh is visibly frustrated but I don't know if there's anything else. Like maybe it could give commentary on how nobody else understands him and struggles because of him not being white, or fully atleast. Or how Farleigh easily spotted Oliver as a outsider because he's a outsider as well, being the only black person in a VERY white family, social space, etc. I wish more of his character in general and different aspects like more of his backstory, sexuality, etc and his mind like im soooo obsessed with wondering what goes on in his head. I feel like it he was expanded on more than he would've gotten as much attention that Felix and Oliver do. Idk, as a black girl I feel like it was such a wasted opportunity to see so many things maybe like his connection to his black side or if he even has any connection? Maybe they could've done something concerning his hair like not having anyone to teach him how to take care of it like........ughhhhh. To me it feels like something briefly touched upon and then just forgotten about :/

#Farleighdeservesbetter #Farleighdeservedmorethan5minutesofscreentime 😭😭

HEY IVE MISSED YOUUU :)) and omg this is just so upsetting thinking that even in the film farleigh is just so easily disregarded and not only in that house…that’s what i’ve been trying to say like there’s so much more depth to his character and upbringing for people to generally just label him as shallow. but im glad that people that love him, (us) knows that he’s so much more than that especially given that he is being forcefully separated from his black side. im really glad you said all this from your perspective as a black person cuz i wouldn’t have known, or imagined how it is actually like for him, living like that. and yeah speaking of his sexuality the film did a lot to imply that he’s not hetero and if only it is properly set down that could make an impact to the queer community

i think we can all understand that the cattons (whether racially motivated or not) dislike or even hate his dad…cuz he was the reason farleigh’s mom went out of her designated life trajectory if that makes sense. just thinking about how frustrated he is but couldn’t do anything about it upsets me. i want him to be happy :(. but also i think the very reason farleigh’s character is underexposed is because the profile of the director 😬 (dont come for me) and also i understand that he’s not the main character. his character was just created to bring more elaboration to oliver’s actions. though we know all that i know how we think that it’d be nice to know more (or even everything if possible) about farleigh.

[lesbiannancytruther]

MY stranger things unpopular opinions <3

ok nobody asked but these r my stranger things unpopular opinions, inspired by a tweet where people just shared super common and well accepted opinions instead of actual controversy lol

also half of these r gonna be ronance centered because they’re literally all i think about

- first and foremost, nancy is a lesbian. i think so many of her actions and struggles can absolutely be traced back to comphet and repression and i feel like people want to cling onto her romance with steve and jonathan as a way to justify her fondness for them, when i think she can just care about them because they’re her friends and they’re trauma bonded(tm)

- while i like steve and robin being besties as much as everyone else i feel like people overestimate how close they really are in canon. of course they’re best friends but they really aren’t overly dependent on each other like people interpret them to be. they’re best friends but they also function really well on their own.

- though there’s no denying that will has feelings for mike i sincerely doubt that those romantic feelings are reciprocated and i think people are way too confident that byler is gonna be canon

- elmax is miles better than almost every canon AND fanon relationship in the show (i’d argue jopper and lumax (and biased opinion ronance) are the only genuine contenders)

- while i make a habit of being overly critical of men i think people forget that the “grumpy dad” trope with hopper that they like so much comes with him being a total dick sometimes lol

- both jonathan AND steve were weird as fuck in season 1. y’all r having a mid-off when u argue jancy vs. stancy

- and by mid-off i mean stancy wasn’t as bad as y’all act like it was and jancy is not as good as y’all act like it is

- y’all infantilize the FUCK out of robin buckley and im SICK OF IT!! she’s incredibly smart and strong and u people act like she’s stupid/a pushover/a nervous little baby

- in general i think the ronance fandom likes to apply tropes to nancy and robin in a way that isn’t accurate to their characters. its a very common and predictable pattern and i think thats why a lot of fan works feel out of character (an example to this is people applying grumpy x sunshine to nancy and robin respectively and it just doesn’t fit)

- karen is not a good mother. i think everyone can agree karen is weird as fuck for the billy thing, but i see a lot of people argue for karen that she’s really grown as a mother but i’m not seeing it. i don’t doubt that she loves her kids but there’s a reason mike and nancy are Like That

- y’all made up a ton of steve’s personality traits. i’m all good with interpreting his character a certain way but if the reason you hate nancy wheeler is because she unknowingly poked at insecurity of steve’s that u made up i have 0 respect for ur opinions lol

- and on that note steve is pretty badly written. i don’t think his path to “redemption” was bad but he’s so far from anything special that the love he gets from the fandom astounds me

- luckily this opinion isnt as unpopular anymore but steddie was figment of fandom imagination and the fact that it rotted y’all’s brains so bad to the point where you convinced yourself eddie munson was actually really important is just so...

- if you make fruity four content without nancy because you don’t think she’s interesting enough you’re a loser

- byclair is literally SOOOO much better than byler the fact that y’all aren’t going to war for them is upsetting

- this better not be an unpopular opinion but ive been seeing more of it recently: if you think joyce byers is a bad mother block me rn

- any hate that eleven, max, and nancy get is almost ALWAYS rooted in misogyny

ok thats it i probably have more but i cant think of any </3

[thesherrinfordfacility]

I love Aziraphale but I DO kind of feel like he was objectively more wrong than Crowley was, bc Aziraphale's plot for most of S2 comes straight out of Terry Pratchett books: he shuts down Crowley and focuses on setting up this storybook romance for them, while ignoring everyone else's distress. Like we see from the start of the season that Crowley is depressed and clearly upset, and it gets worse as it progresses, but Aziraphale doesn't even clock that something is wrong, even when Crowley is outright telling him. Of course this is going to create and nurture a situation where Crowley doesn't communicate. Aziraphale's not listening to him anyway. One of Terry's books features a witch who uses her magic to force fairy tale plots onto the people around her. It's the pinnacle of toxic positivity.

hi anon!!!✨ oooooh i have a feeling that this is going to be a long one, my apologies in advance!!! also, please forgive my ignorance on pratchett's works, im not deliberately ignoring it, but definitely not familiar with it enough to draw on any narrative similarities unfortunately!!!

so on the point of aziraphale not recognising that crowley is depressed, i do think that there are some indicators that if aziraphale paid more attention, he would pick up on it. that being said, i do think that the depth of crowley's not-okayness is largely masked from aziraphale, and is mostly shown only to other characters and obviously to the audience; the scene on the park bench with shax, for example, or any scenes between crowley in/around the bentley. one example that aziraphale could have picked up on:

c: "what i need is for him to be nowhere near me, and the precious, peaceful, fragile existence ive carved out for myself here..."

a: "i thought we carved it out for ourselves?"

c: "so did i!"

so, obviously crowley started in on the fact that gabriel threatened aziraphale in ep6, and quite rightly uses this as a reason to leave well enough alone, get rid of gabriel, and go back to their life as it was before. and crowley's language and delivery is absolutely indicative of how desperate he is to keep the status quo, that he's hanging on practically by a thread. shax and hell are keeping tabs on him, he's living in his car (which i'll come onto later), and he doesn't have much of a Purpose anymore than just existing.

aziraphale should be reading into this, 110%. but, crowley ends up underplaying his own struggle by talking about 'i' and 'me'. that doesn't mean its less true or valid, but to aziraphale's mind, he appears to be thinking only about how gabriel's presence would affect him. it immediately undermines how crowley first went in to trying to convince aziraphale to turn out gabriel, because it reads like crowley is revealing his true issue with the situation. we know that it's because, to crowley, aziraphale is ignoring him and his warning (which he absolutely is).

but crowley hasn't told aziraphale the full story of what happened; what gabriel said. aziraphale doesn't have the context to understand the full scope of crowley's fear and anger. i don't think knowing it would have necessarily changed the ultimate outcome/decision - i do think aziraphale is still kind and forgiving ("it's one of my favourite things!") to a fault - but it might have stopped aziraphale completely closing off and shutting down the continuance of what could have been a communicative and honest discussion. that, despite all of it, crowley is stepping away from aziraphale and planting himself on His (crowley's) Side, not Their Side.

aziraphale attempts to pull the conversation back; he tells crowley he would love for him to help, and that aziraphale is actively asking for help (which, verbally and with full intent, i don't recall aziraphale having done anywhere before this point in canon; he's intimated it, made very strong suggestions that he wants crowley to help/do something for him). this is a big show of vulnerability on aziraphale's part ("i need you!"), to literally put those words into the space between them... and crowley is silent. crowley is absolutely justified in not helping gabriel, but i think aziraphale's reaction is just as understandable.

but then moving on through to ep2, i think the next bit where aziraphale probably should have seen that crowley is Not Okay is the bentley/bookshop discussion, and crowley's reluctance to share it. from crowley's point of view, this car is literally the only tie he has left (will still get to the Sleeping In His Car debacle later) to anything permanent. this car that is literally an extension of him, comforts and shelters him, his complete Ride or Die - even to the end of the world. it is completely understandable that crowley would be jealous of it, want to keep a portion of his world for himself.

from aziraphale's point of view, as suggestive as it can be interpreted, he's opened his doors literally to crowley since at least 1941 - even earlier, if we count the 1800 scene that was cut (where, if gabriel and sandalphon hadn't turned up, i have no doubts that crowley would have been welcomed in straight away). it's definitely believable that crowley, between at least 1800 - 1827, might have been welcome in the shop... possibly even between 1827 - 1862 depending whether or not crowley spent "quite some time" in the pits of hell after edinburgh.

and this is likely to have been an exponential occurrence between 2008 - 2023, possibly even between 1967 - 2008 (depending on whether they had or had not been in continued contact follow the holy water incident). either way, again from aziraphale's perspective, the tie he has to earth and his life on it has been steadily then repeatedly shared with crowley. that's where he feels safe, and is himself, and is an extension of him. it's where they both feel like that in 2023. aziraphale has, presumably, shared that without quibble, has even been - judging by the s2 scene - something he has actively encouraged. it's definitely presumptuous, and possibly even entitled, but i think aziraphale has seen this as crowley being willing to share his life with aziraphale; why wouldn't he share the bentley? he's driven aziraphale everywhere he's wanted to go in it - doesn't crowley trust him enough to let aziraphale drive himself, for once?

ep3 sees a continuation of the above; that aziraphale changes the car, and does so without permission. whilst cute and adorable, and with the best of intentions, there is a major degree of this that is absolutely a violation on crowley, even if he logically would know that it's reversible. potentially, this is even foreshadowing of how he feels in the Final Fifteen with the angel restoration offer (im sure someone else has drawn this parallel somewhere...?).

but i do think it is absolutely a declaration from aziraphale of how wonderful he sees crowley just as he is now (his mf eyes), and how actually he doesn't want to change crowley to something better, but instead to paint the whole world in crowley's image. and its all the more powerful because a) crowley isn't there to see it, and b) he doesn't know that crowley can so viscerally detect changes made to the car.

the fact that crowley doesn't make this connection is surely a reflection of how he sees himself (see: he doesn't), and aziraphale should pick up on that... but if to aziraphale's mind crowley already knows how aziraphale feels about him through other gestures, in aziraphale's mind maybe crowley's just being coy or a bit possessive of his beloved bentley - that's fair, it's practically married behaviour! aziraphale wouldn't necessarily think to infer crowley's objections as anything different.

then we move on to ep4 (and finally talking about crowley living like a nomad), with the last scene of aziraphale helping him take out the plants to the bentley. you know - im still not 100% sure what to make of the whole situation of aziraphale not knowing that crowley is living out of his car. my main two schools of thought are that:

crowley has been spending enough time in the shop that him going out at random intervals is just normal to aziraphale - he's off doing Demon Things! he's just out on a jolly, having some time to himself! but it's okay, he always comes back! that would be possible, but we don't have any narrative to actively support this, and is practically a hc at this point. but there must be something that keeps aziraphale from digging any deeper - he is by all accounts a smart guy, and clocking that crowley has his plants in his car must get him thinking even if only for a moment... (unless he literally just chalks it up to Crowley Being Crowley, which is also feasible lbr)

the alternative thought (and not saying this is right - as i said, i literally do not have a scooby as to why aziraphale doesn't seem, on some level, to realise it) is that aziraphale does realise it, but doesn't want to face the implications of why crowley might have kept it from him, and so he buries it. i parsed this thought out more in a LWA response, full post here, but snippet screenshotted below:

i'll probably leave that bit there, but absolutely; aziraphale should be realising that something is wrong... but equally - as the king of cognitive dissonance, frankly - i don't think he wants to look deeper into something that, to him, would suggest any reason for there to be distrust between them, or a lack of openness. of course, we can see as the audience that this is a very small drop in the ocean where that's concerned, but to aziraphale - there's surely no possibility that crowley would keep something from him, not something this important.

when it comes to the Loving Gaze in ep6 (i'll come back to ep5 in a sec) that he gives when crowley admits that he's been living in his car, again - not entirely sure what to make of it. obviously it is just pure 'i utterly love/adore him', 'yes, it's you i want to be with, yes', but also maybe a measure of 'oh, you silly demon, why didn't you tell me? not that it's a problem now though, because in time we'll be together properly and you'll never have to be without a home again because your home can be with me'. he does gloss over the fact that crowley didn't tell him, and was obviously not in an okay place - but possibly in a, 'we'll talk about it later sometime, but for now - im just happy about what future we could start having from here on out. everything else is immaterial'. it's dismissive, but i also think potentially an indication that aziraphale does see, but they'll have the rest of their existence now to talk about it and heal.

anyway, back to ep5. the ball. oh lord - i honestly don't know if i have the mental acuity to even go into depth on the ball, rn. it's a Problem, and 100% on aziraphale's part. he's overcome with love, god bless him, isn't he? just so hellbent on showing crowley - it's not even about the girls, anymore, not if aziraphale really admitted it to himself - that he loves him. i think the magic spell that aziraphale creates bewitches even him, slightly - maybe not so literally, but this is a moment that has at least been decades in the making. and crowley is running around telling him there's an issue? well, they're safe in the shop (which, in a way, is absolutely true)! don't spoil this, please just hear me, hear what im trying to tell you unequivocally!

i think in aziraphale's mind, crowley tends to have a habit of overreacting (gabriel as a case in point), which is not true - but understandable when you potentially consider that aziraphale never really has all the facts. he's definitely overprotective, a point that is shown in s1 (imo, aziraphale never actively encourages the damsel-in-distress thing, but crowley just happens to show up at the slightest hint of trouble, and instead aziraphale takes this to mean that saving him, when he doesn't need saving, truly does make crowley happy). this is something crowley through his actions has encouraged - i think to assume that crowley is overreacting in this context is understandable, but yet; no, aziraphale should be listening to him. he should. and it once again feeds into the thought process that aziraphale cannot save himself - on and on it goes.

i don't think there is much to discuss in ep6 (im not going to get into the Final Fifteen - it's been analysed so much better by other people and by me too), this answer is already long enough, and i think for the most part it's fairly obvious. i do however have a dedicated FF tag in my masterpost if you do wish to peruse the various ponderings on the subject.

the only thing i guess that's really left for me to parse out is s1; aziraphale does lie to crowley. a lot. most egregious is lying about finding the antichrist but, i will say, in his defence - crowley has repeatedly asserted that they should straight-up murder a child. aziraphale drew his boundary, and crowley kept pushing, even going so far as to try tempting (and then practically demanding) that aziraphale be the one to do it. i don't think it's unjustified in that respect that aziraphale would keep that knowledge, therefore, from him - and instead turn to heaven. obviously that doesn't work out, in that respect crowley is proven right, and aziraphale immediately takes action to remedy it (calls crowley after the 9-1-metatron call).

but, it's an interesting mirror to what goes on in s2 in the theme of mutual trust and openness between them. crowley doesn't trust aziraphale not to dismiss him and run back to heaven when the going gets tough, nor does he trust him to have any sense of self-preservation (despite, yk, being a literal miracle worker and being the one to actual save their bacon in the 40s s2 minisode). but aziraphale similarly doesn't trust crowley not to try making him do something he has expressly said he will not do, and would betray a core tenet of who he is - temptation, which they both know works on aziraphale, and crowley could arguably exploit as he sees fit if aziraphale were to let him be completely vulnerable to crowley. in this respect, the foundations of their relationship, such as it is, is quite demonstrably built on sand of the quick variety.

so in essence, anon (honestly - gold star for you if you've made it to here), i don't disagree with you at all. but i think it's slightly reductive to not see that they are just as bad as each other. each have their trauma and unreconciled issues that directly inform on the action or inaction they take, and both are completely justified in that. i think it's more than possible to be empathetic to both of their perspectives, because ultimately, imo, their relationship as it was where we left it at the end of s2 was practically doomed right from where we first - in 2008 - properly join their story. im all for a huge, screaming row, and the promise of quieter, more delicate conversations thereafter, in s3; boy, do they need it!✨

[pansy-picnics]

Hiya!

I’m curious, what do you think uknighted dream would argue about and how would they apologise to each other?

Cause I personally think Cass hates apologising, Eugene’s not used to it, and Rapunzel according to the show can do no wrong!

Oh, and if you don’t mind me asking, are you planning on updating Children of the moon soon? Sorry, it’s just one of my favourite fics for this ship!

Thank you x

God ive been so bad about that fic i swear i have so many ideas for it but this year has been SOOO busy for me 😭😭 most of my free time has been dedicated to drawing and playing games cuz writing doesn’t come as naturally to me ngl….BUT SOON ENOUGH I WILL LOCK IN I PROMISE!!!! its been crossing my mind a lot more recently snd ive started a little bit of the next chapter…Ur guys’ support means the world to me im so happy to know people enjoy it as much as i do 🥹 and i desperately wish i had more time to dedicate to all my projects

as for your first question though….LMAO yeah the show did rapunzel DIRTY….Honestly it really depends for me, but i think you’re definitely right about cass and eugene. and rapunzel definitely struggles i think to apologize Genuinely, because she can get really overwhelmed with her guilt and anxiety to the point that she loses sight of the actual problem. its kind of a rough spot for all of them

I honestly haven’t thought abt it a lot so idk if i know what they’d fight about Specifically, but what i can come up with off the top of my head is ummm

rapunzel is a chronic Fixer. whenever someone expresses a problem to her shes quicker to try and “solve” it than she is to just. Listen because she kind of has grown up with the idea that everything is Her fault and She needs to fix everything. I think cass and eugene can end up feeling really unheard because of this. Usually it’s just something they can quickly talk through but when put on top of other conflicts it exacerbates things a LOT.

Raps, cass and eugene can all be INCREDIBLY stubborn and set in their ways and they sometimes struggle to hear each other out. rapunzel i think has her moments, but generally she isn’t too bad about it; eugene has a temper and he can be VERY petty but i think unless he REALLY has a reason to hold a grudge against you, he usually just needs about a week to cool down- but Queen of Anxious Attachment Cassandra Tangled (tm) can end up going AGES holding a grudge and just refusing to check in with anyone. as you probably can imagine it does not go well

i think bc rapunzel has such a strong belief that love is transactional she sometimes gets trapped in a cycle where she basically attempts to min-max her time with eugene and cass respectively because she worries if she isn’t spending “equal” amounts of time with them then it means she must not love them enough. as you might imagine this causes a lot more harm than good….

cass is REALLY REALLY bad at asking for help and being vulnerable and especially admitting when someone does something that hurts her. i think this causes a LOT of really stupid miscommunications between them. eugene or rapunzel are both usually able to talk her through it depending on who shes upset at…and it really helps to have a third party there who she trusts because otherwise it could easily just spiral out of control and cause her to grow bitter and distant (As seen in canon LOL)

Ummm….To be completely honest i cant really see a lot of situations where cass and eugene like, Genuinely fight after they get with rapunzel. they obviously still bicker a lot but like, frankly after they’ve both figured their shit out i just don’t think they have much of a reason to fight anymore. Their whole rivalry has always been really childish and most of the more serious stressors have already been taken care of by the time the series ends. i think most of their fights are just over stupid shit and get resolved within the hour. i think they’d have to both go through a MAJOR traumatic event to actually get as bad as they were in season 1 again LMAOOO

How they apologize definitely depends a lot on the situation (go figure) but i genuinely dont think they get into Big fights very often…so when it does happen it takes a toll on all of them.

eugene i imagine is a little extra but sincere. doesn’t do Too much because he doesn’t want to overwhelm the girls, but probably just picks a quiet night and orders takeout or makes a small dinner to talk over. sometimes it can take eugene a while to realize when he’s fucked up but when he DOES realize it, it hits him like a TRUCK and he IMMEDIATELY jumps to do everything in his power to rectify it. he’s a big softie <3

cass is a lot more prideful than raps and eugene whether she realizes it or not, so its a lot harder for her to admit her faults, even when she knows she was wrong. she doesn’t like to make a big deal of when she apologizes because it’s really embarrassing for her. she’s the kind of person to send the apology text to the group chat and have to like physically put her phone down and start pacing around the room. To me.

rapunzel, like i said struggles to genuinely apologize because her anxiety and guilt can just become so overwhelming….she usually has to spend a bit of time away before shes ready to Really talk things out. When she is she definitely shows it quietly but clearly, she writes little notes with a paper bouquet and leaves them around where the other two will find them. they leave her little notes back and let her come to them when she’s ready.

admittedly i’m Not good with thinking of character conflicts off the top of my head, they have to come to me in Visions, and i just don’t end up thinking about a lot of ukd conflicts so hopefully this is okay LOL…..I would love to hear other ppls thoughts….. :3

[raisinushigher]

hi im just gonna put my thoughts on every clone high ship i can think of here

jfgogh - i think its cute. i can definitely see jfk like uplifting gogh and him falling in love over like the most basic display of kindness and jfk just being like “haha woah there guy i didnt mean it like that” but then he realises he Does

gogh x gandhi - LOTS of mixed feelings on this one but it is pretty interesting truth be told. like, the way gogh didnt just sit back and take what gandhi did to him and instead retaliated, i like that, i like the thought of two tiny guys having the most unnecessarily intense rivalry ever, but i know that isn’t really the way the ship is portrayed often rather than wholesome stuff . you interpret ships however you want though

gfk i think is the name for it - im so sorry as a gandhabe connoisseur i know how annoying it is when people say this about a ship that absolutely entraps you but i think jfk and gandhi are more accurate together as just silly friends who see eachother like once a month. jfk casually brings up a girl hes dating (or rather just having sex with frequently) and gandhi is like wait what happened to the other one? like hes very out of the loop but he listens and they both hype eachother up a lot

ceasgogh, gogh x christo, ceaser x christo, whether it’s any of those seperately or polyamory - i love this one so very much for literally no reason. maybe its like a nostalgia thing cuz i remember people talking about them sometimes in 2020 and being like Aw that’s cute but idk something about them feels so like. objectively correct. like yep that’s the little background trio standing together in an episode as they should be

abefk i think - i like it!! even though it’s barely known apart from jokingly i really like the classic 2000s rivalry between a nice boy and an asshole jock thing that was going on between them before ponce’s death, i admit i miss their interactions. i miss how theyd refer to eachother with their last names. also the part in season 2 episode 6 where they both were recalling memories of the grassy knoll and abe went “i used to get food thrown at me” and jfk continued “i used to be the one throwing that food”. i like them

joanabe - i know this one is like barely a ship but i still need to talk about them badly. their friendship is so important to me. the way its always been them whether it’s joan crushing on abe or the other way around, they’re just so special to eachother in any and every way, and both struggle with the choice of helping the other or doing things that hurt the other but ultimately raise their chances of getting together. tbh im so interested in whats gonna happen with them in the finale, and in the next seasons bc i doubt their back and forth crush thing is gonna last the ENTIRE show like itll be getting a new sort of premise or main character focus which im excited for

joanfk - some of the fanart is absolutely adorable COUGH COUGH ORT SMORT COUG but its just not for me man. biggest two factors as to why i dislike it being how it overtook the fandom, and how to me they just never had any substance. they have a fun dynamic and the season 1 finale was sweet but idk it just never affected me that much. also bc i always knew it was gonna crash and burn. like that is not a stable couple as cute as it is sometimes. like at all. and im happy episode 7 finally addressed it

abe x cleo - again, not really a fondly talked about ship, but they are pretty dear to me. it’s the way cleo was clearly playing with abe at the start but actually saw the charm in him and was actually upset when he finally digested his feelings for joan… i really hope they’re gonna be good friends in the future bc episode 7 seemed to be sort of a start for that friendship and them learning to be ok around eachother after the finale…

joan x cleo - ive always been scared to talk about this one bc some people see them as sisters, which i Really dont. they never acted in a sisterly way at all, and the living together thing lasted for like what. one episode. so i doubt it had any affect on how they view their relationship. but again absolutely fair if it makes you uncomfortable for this reason! but yeah i do like them. very very good trope and there can be some really cute stuff done with them dynamic wise

gandhabe my heart and soul my romeo and juliet my sun and moon my red and blue - AUGHGGGGG MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE. EVER. IN THE WHOLE SHOW FOR EVER they just have such sweet interactions and everything they do they do with the other in mind and i want them to have an emotional reunion in the season 3 finale sO SHRGFRHRVRRRRR RR RBR R R R. RR R. sorry this is mostly incoherent screaming rather than actual words I just DUCIGJGN LVOE GANDHABEEEEE EEYEHEEE THEYRE END GAME!! THEY ARE END GAME WHETHER ITS AS FRIENDS OR ROMANTICALLY RHEY ARE THE ONES

ok now onto the ones involving the new gen clones

harriucius - i like them its the second het ship in the show ive ever actually liked!! they just both go so well in so many ways, they both have almost the exact same struggles and cope in similar ways, but harriet has more of a hands on attitude with her problems, while confucius tends to avoid things. im VERY interested in how their relationship will go and i dont really think anything’s gonna happen to them bc i cant picture the show pairing either of them up with anyone else (mostly confucius tbh 😭)

joanharriet - i WISH this one was more acknowledged by the fandom like i think its the least popular one at least involving the newbies.. can you tell im a sucker for ships that are literally just two close friends who love eachother more than anything. lol. when i think of them i think of episode 5 which makes me extremely happy. like look me in the eyes and tell me that was not an absolutely beautiful wonderfully wrapped episode

johnfucius - gonna be honest i dont like this one. i know this is a really rich thing to say while talking about clone high season 2 but it just felt rushed, and especially with how they barely did anything after sleepover. like they were literally crying both of them being like OMG I FINALLY HAVE A FRIEND!! and then they proceed to have the most stale interactions with the most notable one being in the next episode and it’s literally just confucius encouraging jfk to avoid his problems like he does. not really good. but again if you enjoy them all the power to you, im happy you found something you like that hasn’t been ruined and seems pretty docile and chill compared to all the other ones :o) it’s very much a mostly fandom based ship

kahlopatra - BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL. I HAVE NO WORDS JUST BEAUTIFUL. there definitely was a lack of suspense like based off the intro and the slight buildup throughout the series BUT that literally doesn’t matter. out of every canon couple they are the absolute cutest im obsessed with the effect they have on eachother. especially on cleos side of things like ahhh!!!! she found someone she actually connects to genuinely!!!! i am so happy for her!!!!!!

tophucius - not much about this one its just pretty fun and silly . i feel bad for the people who thought something big was gonna be going on w them but the small details peppered in about them in sleepover were nice. i always liked how when confucius saw that topher typed your instead of you’re, he went “i thought so” like to me that confirms they do this all the time and they know it’s them. also really funny to imagine them being sworn enemies online but when they actually see eachother in school theyre Like oh shit hey man what’s up! hope youre well! like not even through gritted teeth or anything they’re just so chill irl for no reason

abetoph - Sigh i sure did save this one for last. while im a lot less comfortable with it now i still love thinking of them pre episode 8 and i do think their relationship is just ever so slightly more interesting now with the added double crossing n shit added to it. but im also sad they’ll never be the way they were may 24th to june 14th again . that specific time period of them is so comforting to me for no reason, all the memes and running jokes in the fandom involving them, all the wholesome fan work of them sleeping in tophers bed, watching stuff on tophers computer together, abe being tophers voice of the reason and the one person he actually likes, it’s just so … man. We Could Have Had It All. i love them for ever.

thank you so much for listening

[kvothbloodless]

As someone who’s followed you for a long time, and a fellow writer….do you genuinely support chatGPT? Even if it has been proven to scrape people’s writings without their consent? And the fact that its a soulless husk of what actual writing is?

So Ive done my best to avoid AI discourse, but I am bad at it. So to put it clearly.

I dont Support chatgpt specifically. Its a program made by a corporation because they can make a profit from it, and curtail its capabilities in line with their goals. I use it sometimes because its fun ans convenient, but I dont pay for it or anything. I think pretty much all legitimate concerns about AI are really just concerns about corporate ethics, at which point the AI specifically becomes irrelevant

I also dont really think the situation in general is one where "support" is the right word to use; its like asking if I support cameras.

I want to be clear im not trying to be vague though; i think in general AI is pretty cool, and that 99% of the arguments against it are factually incorrect, based on inconsistent or bad moral frameworks, or both. Im not going to get into all the reasons AIs are cool, since I dont feel up to doing a Big AI Post, but I do want to gesture vahuely in the direction of how much more accessible this makes artistic creation and experimentation, and all the insanely fun things people can use AI for. However, i do want to address the common arguments against it, especially since it feels like a lot of people are just misinformed and falling into the very easy tumblr trap.

1. Scraping fics without consent: if you post something on a public site for the public to read, and someone downloads it to read it, its not stealing. Tumblr is generally pretty firmly against strict copywrite laws, so its a bit weird that so many people are Very concerned about AIs "stealing" their work in a way thats even less direct than fanfiction. Like, "your writing is so in character" and "wow youre really good at imitating the authors writing style" are common compliments on fics.

To be clear, there are absolutely ways of interacting with free public content thats bad (like reposting). But AIs arent frankensteining stuff together, or copy pasting anything; they literally could not do that. The training/model files are so insanely tiny compared to the amount of training data that it would be impossible for them to be storing that sort of thing. An AI learning from your writing isnt really any different than a human reading your writing, going "oh I like that" subconsciously, and using that to inform their future writing.

Whats that quote about "to get better at writing, read more"? If you believe that statememt is accurate, then Im a bit confused how youd be upset about an AI "reading" your writing and learning from it?

All of the Actual ways this could be used badly (copying someones art style and then selling art cheaper, etc.) arent actually unique to AI (a person can also do that!), and also usually arent really a thing thats happening enough to be a problem (most people who want art from an artist enough to commission them, are going to want it to actually be done By that artist). Using AI to make an original work, or even to finish a fanfic someone else wrote, is no more theft than if you did it by yourself.

2. "Soulless Husk": im sorry im genuinely trying my best here to be gentle and respectful, but this talking point genuinely makes my blood boil a bit, so im not trying to get personal or insult anyone specifically. Claiming that art made by humans is automatically deeper, that art is all about Meaning and Struggle, comes off as extremely pretentious and just doesnt engage with the reality of art. Im having trouble articulating a good argument here, but like. Art doesnt have to be deep, it doesnt have to have a Message, and the necessity of struggling in order to learn about and create art is an unequivocable bad thing.

Many many people make art (visual, written, etc.) becuase they want to see or read something cool or because they think others will find it fun. Many many people who would like to create art do not do so because it requires talent/practice that they are not willing to put the time and effort into developing, and this is not a moral issue. As Ive said before, laziness is a virtue and self-indulgance is a goal we should aspire to. Using a tool to make the incredibly fun act of creating easier and more accessible is awesome.

Also, who gets to define what "actual art" is? Genuinely seems a bit arrogant and presumptuous to declare that something is or is not "actual art" based on your own preferences.

The posts that Really annoy me are the ones that are like "cant understand the people RPing or playing a TTRPG with AI becuz its soulless. I only ever RP with other people because the fun part is being social or collaberatively building story" or whatever. Cool. I rp and play tabletops because i like to have fun and I enjoy those activities. Im gonna be honest, i find it a bit offensive and kinda.. dumb, to act like its somehow morally superior to only enjoy oneself in a way that Builds Community or Has A Meaning. People do meaningless things because they enjoy doing them and so long as no one is being hurt, thats fine.

3. Replacing workers: This is the only argument that has Any weight, but its still a bad argument. Its absolutrly true that AI is gonna put people out of work. The fact that more people will be out of work and struggling is a bad thing. This is also what happens when literally any new technology is developed, dating all the way back to the industrial revolution (at the Very latest). Automation is almost always a massive net benefit to humanity (im aware this topic could be its own series of posts but You Know What I Mean, please dont start industrialization discourse here), and the fact that it puts people out of work isnt actually an argument against it. Lots of radio operators lost their job when telephones were invented, but that doesnt mean people should have never used the telephone and obstinately stuck with radios. When phone technology advanced, a lot of phone operators lost their jobs, but that doesnt mean people were Morally Wrong to use the new developments that made phones far more convenient.

As in all things, el problema es capitalismo; AI isnt preventing anyone from doing art, its just reducing how many people can get paid to do their art. The correct solution to automation putting people out of work is not to stop the wheel of tech development, but to change society so that one doesnt have to slave away in order to survive.

This also raises the adjacent point, which is that halting tech development like this is impossible. Once the cat is out of the bag, its not going back in. AI tech is going to develop and become more widespread and theres literally nothing you can do to stop that. If you want to be upset about that, its your perogative ig, but im gonna be excitedly waiting for the dam to break and we get an open source LLM that I can use without worrying about data privacy or corporate filters, so I can have fun and RP however much I want and finally be able to write the stuff I want to write but cant do on my own because I have adhd and chronic fatigue, and Id kinda prefer if people stopped trying to rain on my parade because they think im not having fun or creating art in the "right way".

EDIT: I did want to add one more thing! A US court ruled that you cant copywrite something created completely by an AI, and i think thats an awesome move and I hope it gets expanded a bit and spreads elsewhere. This isnt a position based on whether something produced in this way counts as "real art" or is morally bad or whatever, I just think that reducing corporate and IP grasp on anything is good, and that AI specifically is going to be most enjoyable when its free and open source.

[cosmobrain00]

alrght. ive been putting off making this post for a long time for personal reasons but i think i need to finally just get this out of the way bf I get any more questions- so:

if u r/ were a fan of my fic series/ motr im sorry to say im officially going to put it on hiatus for the foreseeable future for several reasons:

(these r all directed at motr, not the others before it)

im no longer happy w how I dealt w many things in this fic n how it's going, nor am I impressed w most of the quality of it. there's too many things i feel the need to change n it makes it extremely difficult to continue when all I want to do is rewrite the entire thing or delete motr entirely.

continuing on w this theme- I dont like the route I went when dealing w will's grief n all of the missed potential for his pov tht I wouldn't be able to get back at this point.

the potential of the plot twist tht will happen is going to be diminished bc of how I ended up writing the chapters.

it's. so. fucking. long. alrdy this series for me is extremely long n to wrap up wht ive started would take more patience n time than I have now bc of the way I decided to write this- not to mention how the length keeps distancing itself from the first work- which idk rlly how to explain to ppl but it bothers me somehow so. hm

its not just abt "taking a break" either bc I have. for 3 whole months. evrything I try to see for it either makes me upset bc I wish I could've done so much differently or it ends up being too in depth.

im struggling w at least two plot holes tht I cannot get a handle on n its extremely irritating to try to wrap up all the things I tried to start n. yeah

if u couldn't tell im extremely frustrated lol. n yes bf u say it ik this might seem abrupt considering I just posted a snippet of it, however the more I looked at it n the scene it only made me realize how much ive wasted in regards to the plot n how drawn out ive made it.

anyways, I have more reasons but these r the most glaring ones (n the most spoiler free ones) n once again I am sorry, but imo this is better than deleting it, so thts why im going to leave it. if I decide once ive sat on this for a bit to make a rewrite then we'll see how it goes, but for now im just gonna leave it alone.

ofc ty to all the lovely ppl who v graciously helped me out n took time out of their schedule to give me support, n to those who told me how much they loved it, I still do appreciate ur evry comment to this day<3

[a-sip-of-milo]

hi its uhhhhh research to i think i have bpd pipeline person here. idk how else to identify myself because i dont feel comfortable making myself public.

ive been intending to do more research into bpd but its like. hard and not because its hard to find resources, i found stuff on youtube, but its hard to sit down and watch it because its not entertaining enough to put my full attention on, so my mind was wandering and then i wasnt taking in information. and i dont know what to do sob. i only actually watched one video bc i know that other videos are going to be boring to me and that im not going to take in information bc i cant focus.

it was a video about what it was like living w quiet bpd and from the little i remember i was like “yep. sounds like me.” (even tho for the most part i literally cannot remember the video) and when i look at the 9 symptoms, theres 4 i can confidently say i experience, and 4 others that are a maybe, but my memory is shit so i can’t accurately tell by myself which of those symptoms i actually experience.

everytime i think abt having bpd i get upset, but i cant tell if its coming from the root of ableism(?) that me being upset about having disorders usually comes from (wanting to be “normal”) or if its coming from the root of ableism that was people with bpd/npd are inherently bad

i also think i have a favourite person. by think i mean putting the pieces together from other people talking about their favourite people from asks you answer made me realize “oh so thats why im so infatuated by this person and it’s not just being closer to them than my other friends”

Hey! I also find it incredibly difficult to sit through informative videos, so you're not alone there. There's also the issue of "am I going to sit through this entire video just to figure out that it's rooted in ableism" that stops me from getting through them. I prefer written stuff!

When it comes to the internalised ableism (also completely valid, that's not just a personality disorder issue), it could very well be a combination of both. Not only does this mean you're not "normal" anymore, but the disorder that's causing it is something that is often considered inherently bad. That can be a scary realisation to make.

I feel like i've said this before, but you don't need to rush into it. You could be struggling so much with doing research and absorbing information on the subject because your brain has yet to accept that it's okay. This can take time, and the best thing you can do if that's the case is to take a step back from the overwhelming amount of information there is to take in and work on breaking that pattern of thinking, however hard it may be.

Try positive affirmations with yourself. If you happen to recognise a particular kind of behaviour that stems from your BPD, acknowledge that, tell yourself that it's okay and move on. Think about what you'd say to another person who was struggling with the things you're experiencing. Just be kind to yourself.

Don't force yourself to do something that you're not ready for. In the end, it will only make you resent the possibility of having BPD even more and that is far less constructive.

I hope this helps, but also please don't fret if it doesn't or hesitate to tell me that i'm just rambling for no reason/you're not looking for advice. I won't be offended /gen /nm /lh

[figula]

ben's still struggling w post-wedding misery and it just kind of sucks :') i was out picking up prescription yest + stopped off at the park for a little mooch when ana messaged me like "ben's in bed you should probably come home" lol so i was like ...well, shit, and just went home to lever him out of bed + force him downstairs

this worked well enough

i have never seen him so sad tho in like our entire rship which like.. sucks... esp bc the reason for it is bc we literally got married which. i KNOW it's not actually about the wedding, it's about the emotional whiplash from going from 100 mph planning to a big void, kind of like a bereavement, but it does feel a bit like well shit im sorry we got married!! like i know he's happy we got married!! but i feel guilty and upset over it bc i didnt know hed react this way to the end of the festivities and idk like there's nothing i can do except wait for it to be over i guess...

ive never been in this position in our rship before for an extended period of time (meaning for more than like a day at a time or w/e) and its not actually every day he's super sad but i feel like really stressed and on tenterhooks now just waiting for the next time and i feel like it's just my fault bc the marriage was my idea anyway loool like he wasnt even bothered about the idea at all until i was like "you know what would be fun? LETS GET MARRIED!" like usually i am the sad one and i will say that being the more emotionally stable one this time has given me a massive amount of respect for how patient and calm ben has been with me for like 11y bc it's only been a few weeks of on and off sadness + i feel Extremely Stressed And Worried.

i think he'll be ok again soon, like similar happened after a few social engagements earlier this yr if you all recall, and obviously teh wedding is a massive thing so the fallout is obviously going to be correspondingly worse. but i just dont like it at all lol. and i wager he likes it even less

[actualbird]

uh hey man u don’t gotta answer this ask but i wanted to send it in after seeing that post about like hobbies. i feel the same a lot about trying to do things and it’s incredibly frustrating. but idk if it’d help to tell you or not since it doesn’t help the “getting a good grade” aspect feeling, but i thought it was maybe worth it to tell you you’re one of the reasons i decided to pick up writing for tot and create a new writing blog and try to go back to doing something i love so much. your work has long inspired me and i hardcore look up to it, so to speak. but recently the other side of that coin was actually the fact that the breaks you take from writing inspire me more. i sometimes start to fret that i haven’t written in a while but then i think and think about how one of my favorite authors also takes breaks, sometimes really long breaks, and that it’s okay to take time between writing (or doing anything) because it’s not a competition or an emergency or really important in the grand scheme. i tend to not be the best at giving myself time to recover or take breaks when i start to not do as well, but the fact that you do has really helped me a lot.

idk if this was pointless or like um unnecessary to send but i wanted to tell you that something that’s been upsetting to you has still in some way been helpful and positive toward others, even if it’s just me, in hopes of maybe lightening that load a little from your shoulders. um im sorry again for sending this in and u don’t have to answer it or anything, but i thought maybe it could be helpful to tell you that something that’s been a struggle to you has still had a positive + slightly more healthy impact on me by showing me that if someone i look up to can take breaks or stop doing something entirely and fans like me will still stick around eagerly to see literally *whatever* you post and share, people would be willing to do the same for me and it’s okay to just take breaks from things or let them exist as hobbies and not goals to fulfill or deadlines to meet.

idk uhh sorry this got a bit rambly but i just wanted to tell you that in hopes it could maybe be something positive. thanks for consistently being a blogger i can be excited to see things from, and whatever u want to post or share or pursue it’s still something worthwhile. uhhh sorry again lol

anon oh gosh. first off, youve got nothing to apologize for cuz real talk, reading this made me tear up. like, literally, and it’s 5am here. tear up in a good way, i assure!!!!

im beyond honored that the stuff i make cld help you get back to making stuff yourself. a bunch of people have told me similar things in the past, and it never stops knocking me to the ground because god!!! GOD!!!!!! im so happy for you all, thank you for making stuff!!! and thank you so much for telling me. because so much of the time when i Do make stuff i constantly wonder what the point is or if anyone even likes it. so this means so much to me, it always does.

though nobodys ever told me that when im Not making stuff is similarly important. thats…..it's quite literally Never crossed my mind and it’s making me super duper emotional right now. whenever im not Making Stuff™, at best, i feel like im disappointing everyone who does find joy in the stuff i make, and at worst, i feel like ive Actively Tricked Everyone who has come here due to my writing and i shld be burned at the stake for not fulfilling my end of the transaction (yeah i have uhhhh NOT THE BEST view, to say the least, irt myself and online fanwork creation HJVSFHJSDVFJ im working on it) so u must understand……..this ask is this is the exact opposite of pointless to me. it means so so so fucking much to me.

im pretty sure im always gonna be battling the horrid Less Than Healthy Views Demon of “NO, KEEP MAKING STUFF ALWAYS ALWAYS” like til the end of time, but man, it seems like we’re all battling that. so if me taking a break can help u and maybe even others see Taking A Break as okay, then that makes me really really happy.

take a break if you need to, or if you want to. dont be scared to make stuff thats not the stuff people “came” to you for, just make whatever makes you happy. telling this to you and also to myself

thank you for sending this ask, anon. it's helped in more ways than i can coherently word :'3

[compassionatereminders]

might miss out on a huge school related opportunity because of how goddamn broke i am. ive grown up in poverty, grown up in gross houses with bad people and drug users and having to survive off dry cereal. for some reason thats all easier than missing out on things because of the cards ive been dealt. im trying so hard, and some people recognized that. i guess i cant even participate because i dont have the money. that breaks me, man. i am just falling apart here for school and my grades and my social life and mental health and all of it. it feels like im fine china with a crack thats about to spread and completely shatter me. i am trying so hard not to collapse. i HAVE to get up tomorrow, and do my work, but it feels impossible. like the end of the world. wish me luck haha.........

It's incredibly unfair that you don't have the same resources and opportunities as the people born into more money, and you're allowed to be angry and upset because you did nothing to deserve this struggle. But I wish you luck, and I hope you keep fighting, cause I hope and believe that your future has a better life in store for you.

[the1975attheirverybest]

An overview is more than ok!

Hmmmm...I'm trying to think what my process even looks like, hahah. idk if this will even make any sense but here we go

I'm mostly interested in "intimacy" I guess? i think thats usually easier to see in blurbs and one shots than, like, longer things like "Education" or that multi chapter fic. But I genuinely find people really interesting and the idea of a close romantic relationship where both people's flaws, passions, insecurities, all come out is extremely fascinating to me, lmao. A lot of the time it's two people trying to love each other but in completely different ways, and misunderstandings inevitably happen.

Not to get all existential on y'all but like isn't it insane that we are all just...trapped in our own bodies and consciousness. and that love is the only way that we can escape that and exist with/for/alongside someone else? Idk i think thats just so cool. Matty says it more eloquently than me in "Inside Your Mind." it's basically that stuff....

BECAUSE im interested in intimacy I'll usually try to start out with a specific, concrete example. Like, if someone asks for an angst concept where an argument happens, or if im trying to write the next installment of Education, I try not to think about it in terms of genre like "ok time to write angst." instead, I try to think "if an argument were to happen between Matty and someone he loves, what would it be about? what kinds of things would he be unwilling to budge on."

so, like, that last piece I wrote where they argue about the new show etc. That's how that one happened. I couldn't imagine him being legitimately upset about like dinner or laundry or an outing, not enough to start a fight because of it. Idk...he just doesn't strike me as the kind of person who cares THAT MUCH about simple stuff. BUT he does care A WHOLEEE LOT about every tiny detail of his show and chooses everything for a specific reason and with a specific goal in mind. So, if someone were to have an issue with his art, of course it would become an argument, cuz his work is a reflection of himself. And since he's been under fire this year about the limits of irony and some fans online (even here on tumblr, ive legit gotten asks about this) have been like "ugh i hope he doesn't do the whole acting thing again" I imagine thats a legit concern that he has to deal with. So, the more specific the idea is, the more real it feels/ in line with who I think Matty might be, the better it is going to end up.

This is where I struggle the most: im not that great at detail, description, emotion etc. but i find dialogue natural to write. So, usually, my starting point is dialogue. Like, once I had the idea for what I wanted the fight to be about, I imagined Matty in that situation and how he would be a bit sarcastic and say that thing about how hes imagining someone asking him about the new show where he says "oh yeah, its going great! i mean, my missus hates it, but at least Rolling Stone thought it was alright" or whatever. And I start out with that and build the scene around that kind of interaction.

Same with longer plots and stories. Like, I had the idea for Education after we were all talking about inexperienced!Y/N and Matty being patient and teaching her. So thats half the plot. the other half is, again, what I imagine Matty would be like. He's had a few slutty phases recently. And if it were a friend/ non-gf situation im sure he'd be dumb enough (hes a man after all, bless him) to like continue sleeping around. and ive been doing a thing, though im not sure its clear enough for y'all to have noticed lmao, where like, whatever "lesson" he teaches her in bed has a common theme with the plot of the chapter.

Like, for example, the next one is gonna be called "Mistakes are how we learn" or some shit. no spoilers but, thats gonna be the theme of what happens both IN and OUT of the bedroom, so. But again, the plot sorts itself out around the moments that I imagine in their dynamic. Matty's super gentle, physically affectionate, etc. So, while it's not quite the same as romantic intimacy, he is the type to look out for his friends. and we've all seen how comfortable he is with kissing/hugging etc. So, I try to work with that and then expand it to work with what the plot of the chapter is.

I will say that I used to think that getting his "englishness" down to a T would be important cuz i didn't wanna make him sound american. though I have to say, sometimes that shit ends up being so forced and unnatural cuz *i* dont talk like that hahahaha. So, I've stopped trying. It's a hard balance to walk cuz you don't want him to sound like hes from fuckin texas or whatever. but you also dont wanna sound like hes a 56 year old newscaster at the BBC's 6pm news. you know? wish i had better advice on that one.

does any of this make any sense? idk. might be total bullshit. not sure that im the most organized person haha sorryyyy

[radioactiveryan]

i might delete this later. who knows though

vent under the cut

i think im a bad person. i think maybe i was born with all of this badness inside of me and over the years my good person exterior has worn so thin that i just can’t keep it up anymore. i dont know what im doing.

i wish i wasnt self aware of this. i know im being shitty i know i suck right now. nobody hates me more than i hate myself at the moment. if i were an outsider looking in on this id tell people to cut me off too.

i dont feel like i can tell anyone anything either which fucking sucks but. i dont know. i dont know what the problem is. thats a lie i do. theres this fucking guilt eating away at me all of the time and its like its rotting my goddamn brain.

but i still cant tell anyone anything. i cant be struggling. i cant be having a hard time. i cant get frustrated or upset i cant cry i cant scream i cant. im not allowed to. its not as bad for me. my problems arent as bad. i can keep it together i can be the one who is strong.

except

except i cant anymore.

and i cant talk about it because i dont want to blame anyone else for any of my problems. i cant talk about it because xyz IS my fault. i cant talk to anyone about it because they cant handle hearing it. i cant talk to anyone about it for a thousand reasons that i cant even name.

i keep running away and hiding and its so fucking cowardly but i just cant deal with the pressure of it all. and its so stupid because there ISNT any pressure to just be present and be somebodys friend but everything is so overwhelming. i would say ‘right now’ but this has been going on for months.

and maybe it’d be better if i just cut myself off for everyone else so they dont have to do it. its not like theyd be missing out on much. im a shit friend. at least i can admit that much.

i think ive just reached a breaking point where everything from the last couple of years has collapsed in on me and im suddenly in the middle of processing it all at the same time. i dont think being back in this town helps. part of me wishes id never come back. i remember why i wanted to run away all of the time.

i dont feel like a person anymore. i dont know if there even is a ‘me’ at this point. my friends barely recognise me and isnt that just fucking great. i havent been able to recognise myself in a decade and now they cant either. who am i really? i dont even know who i was.

whatever. its me and the crushing weight of my own self-disappointment against the world i guess. and the world is winning.

ill be fine i always am. it just fucking sucks.

[hinoko-takami]

Hello. I am coming here to just scream into a void. I dont want to burden our friends with this but the words need to get out of my head.

Things have been extremely hard on us recently. To keep things short, we lost a lot of people we thought good friends, and our stress levels have been super high ever sence. We made some new friends but they have their own dramas we are trying to stay out of.

I, Death, have been frontstuck for a few days now and its begining to take a toll on me. I understand why nobody wants to be front for long now. We were switching a lot more before I got stuck. We're worried that the stress of these events are going to cause us to have a new host, or for our host to split. We really dont want that, mostly for our non-system friends.

We can deal with it, we have before im sure, but the pain it could cause our friends, who dont fully understand, would be too intense. We risk loosing them too. Not out of being upset, but out of not having that same bond.

We try to make a bond with them whenever someone else is front, but i worry its not enough. I'm very afraid of that. What would we do if we lost them? I dont even know.

We dont want a new host. We dont want to split, we dont want people to go dormant. We just want to feel better.

Our friend, ill call them 1, was talking to me, and out of nowhere they said they missed our host. I felt dread. I didnt know how to react, knowing that theres a possibility that they could never see him again. It would hurt them too much. I dont want them to hurt.

Its simalar with our other friend, 2. She seems distant from us whenever its not our host fronting. I understand, but it hurts... we care for her too. Most of us have a good memory of our friends, so to feel like we're being distanced hurts, especially after everything that just happened.

As I mentioned prior, ive been frontstuck for a while. I think today is day 4. Imnnit holding up as well as i thought i would. Im usually a very happy person, but stress finally caught up to me last night. I had been able to distract myself from how much i missed my family in the inner world, as i found myself enamored with another person from another system. They had to switch out and i feel as though i did something wrong, despite knowing i havent. When another person fronted, he and i talked, the way he spoke about my friend hurt to hear, but i didn't fight anything. He was the one who made me feel i was doing something wrong, despite again. Doing nothing wrong. It wasn't intentional on his part and inhold no ill will against him, i would actually like to know him better, but still. My friend is curently on what is esentially time out from fronting for a little while, for what i feel to be a ridiculous reason. Regardless, its not my choice to make.

It doesn't help that i have a hard time with social interactions. We are autistic, and some people have it worse than others. I personally struggle heavily with social cues, tone indicaton, intense emotions, and i have an awful time articulating my emotions, even to myself. We also have severe social anxiety, which just makes it worse. I want to get to know people better, i want to be social, i just struggle a lot with it.

I lost rhe point of this, then again, was rhere wver really a point? The point is that im stressed and anxious and depressed. The point is i dont want to be front anymore. The point is that i want my family.

Thank you if you've read this far, for whatever reason. I wish you a good day.

-Death