#ive been wasting my fucking time
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Im not built for graphic design
#im not good at it#it frustrates me to tears every time#ive been wasting my fucking time#im never gonna actually be hired for this shit#and i dont even want to#why did i do this#i couldve been getting better at art or studying fashion or something#no get a certificate for something u despise thats so brilliant#MORON
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so we know about jin tohma cigarette scene but what if tohma just does that with all of his boytoys
#im a jin tohma truther i drew this so it wont happen. in canon#alan mido#tohma ishibashi#leo kurosagi#tokyo debunker#Btw the fact that i drew cigarette kiss for some rando mobile game and not#one of my two otps who i deeply have wanted to draw cigarette kiss for years is SICKKKK#but this game really fucked me over by having cigarette kiss scene#i really was just wasting time until that happened and ive been slowly brainrotting since.#I LIKE ALAN JUST FINE. IN FACT I LOVE HIM. SO HE NEEDS TO GET AWAY FROM THIS SNAKEEEEEEE#HES SURROUNDED BY SNAKES (and sho)
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well looks like im never leaving california! if any of u guys need reproductive healthcare i will house all of you im not even playing
#this is just the tip of the iceberg too like there is a literal genocide happening right now and the fact that its not a dealbreaker for#ANYONE pisses me the fuck off#my best friend is palestinian and its very jarring to see news outlets not even bother to MENTION the genocide rn#'foreign affairs' like ok kys#HOW DID WE LET THIS HAPPEEENN#harris pisses me the fuck off bc she went around parading right winged policies to appeal to republicans#instead of actually building a strong foundation#-> but yeah sure lets waste our fucking time trying ro pay celebs to endorse u!#'kamala is brat! KYS KYS KYS I FUCKING HATE YOU LOT LIKE PLEASE GET SO REAL#i hope they all feel like some fucking clowns rn#i feel siccckkkkkkkk#also im sorry nonamerican followers for americanizing your feeds but#ive been radicalized since i was like 9#AND i studied social/political documentary and film in university#so boy do i have a fucking lot to say abt the state of the world rn!!!!!!!
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Life on the farm
#gopher art#mortal kombat#subscorp#mk subzero#mk scorpion#kuai liang#hanzo hasashi#mortal kombat legends#been holding onto this one for a bit! finished it more than a month ago lol#i was originally going to save it for subscorp week but then i was like. nah. that wouldnt be entirely fair lol#and besides. ive been wanting to share it for long enough and my resolve has kinda worn down#anyway - snowblind but AU'd! heres my concept of this (which i may use later on for something idk): king kano got his shit wrecked#like way before the events of the movie. by the revenants in fact. i want him torn to shreds. you still have random roving assholes#making trouble across the wastes. but its much less dire. kuai still retires to his farm. kenshi still falls for shang tsung's bullshit#and kuai mentors him. hanzo becomes warlord of netherrealm. BUT. he and kuai keep in contact. its long distance and they make it work#sometimes scorpion vacays to Kuai's farm. as a treat. thats what this drawing is#i cant deny that i literally just want them to be happy ok. thats literally all i want for these gay old ninjas#bonus commentary: at the time of drawing this i was still figuring out how i wanted to draw hanzo. he's so fucking hard to draw#when i draw him without his mask or beard he looks so fucking off. but if i draw him with the beard it feels weird too.#babygirl why are you so hard to draw?? dont you want me to draw you?????
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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hey what if @zoanluen au v2 what then
#ive been fucking obsessed with this au#not that u'd know cause i have a different tumblr to go feral on and ive been gone for like a week but#take my word for it#or dont i dont care im not ur dad#can u tell i didnt put any effort into the outfit? i can. i just got excited about pigtails#i always get so worried when participating in an au that isnt mine ESPECIALLY when im new to the fandom#like hi ultrakill its me and im not going away sorry :(#wasting time tryina think of a fanart tag#ultrakill
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venting like an idiot
the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired
#ughhhh#im not going to drop out just yet#itd be a shame i think#theres many opportunities at my uni that i just dont take cause i cant commit to them or im too tired or im too scared#idk if doing any of this is worth it if i don't truly commit tho#i dont think ive learned anything these past 2 years tbh i feel like ive been wasting time and money#and i know my mental state is just my fault cause i cant get myself to do anything and i feel shame and spiral but goddd#idk i just feel like shit#the academic year starts so soon and i just dread everything thats to come#idk i dont even feel like im going to come out of this school with a portfolio. im literally nothing and ive done nothing#i have no idea how i could write a dissertation because ive literally learned nothing i have no desire to learn i just want to fucking chil#i cant get myself to care much for anything except silly shit thats just a distraction from uni work ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh#sucks sucks everything sucks#sorry for this stupid fucking essay im just having lots of thoughts and no one to tell them so.. um#vent#i know this is all my fault but also like. what am i supposed to do about it every solution sounds like literal hell to me -_-#i guess ive been feeling less suicidal recently which i guess is good but i feel like its bad cause like ykiyk ig#idk its all a huge contradiction
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there must be more than blood by car seat headrest is a touya song btw. nervous like a wild dog waiting for the attack. you go back to the old house but you've been locked out and it wasn't for love that you went back home. they had all of your life to get it right they had all of that time just to change their minds. how could they treat you like a forgotten card? dear dad, I'm sorry thank you very much. what difference does it make when they throw you away?
this is like 9/11 to me
#GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING INBOX. THIS SONG????? i know i reblogged the art but THIS SONG AIAIA. REALLY#you cant say the words car seat headrest around me. and then touya as well why would you actually even start#I SAW YOU ON THE MAGAZINE COVER WITH YOUR BLUE WIDE EYES READ IT FROM COVER TO COVER LOOKING FOR YOU BUT THESE ARE NOT MY PEOPLE HERE#I THINK YOU KNOW THAT NERVOUS LIKE A WILD DOG WAITING FOR THE ATTACK#I WAS LIVING IN THE DELTA WASTING MOST OF MY TIME YOU KNOW IF I COULD CLOSE THE BLINDS RIGHT I COULD SLEEP ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT#BUT IVE SEEN THE TIDES RISING WHERE ONCE THERE WAS A SHORE#I CAN STILL REMEMBER HOUSES STRIPPED TO THE FLOOR THERE MUST BE MORE THAN BLOOD THAT HOLDS US TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!#THERE MUST BE MORE THAN WIND THAT TAKES US AWAY THERE MUST BE MORE THAN TEARS WHEN THEY PULL BACK THE CURTAIN#OF THIS MUCH I AM CERTAIN!!!!!!!!!! WHEN YOU'RE DOWN FOR A WHILE TRYING TO GET DRIED OUT YOU FEEL TIME PASS BY BUT YOU DONT LOOK AROUND#YOU WERE PLAYING YOUR MUSIC BUT YOU GOT DROWNED OUT YOU GO BACK TO THE OLD HOUSE BUT YOUVE BEEN LOCKED OUT!!!#AND IT WASNT FOR LOVE THAT YOU WENT BACK HOME!!!! IT WAS THE GUILT IN YOUR THROAT LIKE YOU SWALLOWED A BONE!!!#THEY HAD ALL OF YOUR LIFE TO GET IT RIGHT!!! THEY HAD ALL OF THAT TIME JUST TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS!!!#AND YOURE GRATEFUL FOR THE BUS ITS A PLACE TO SIT DOWN LIKE A SPIDER IN THE WINTER TRYING NOT TO BE FOUND#NO USE TRYING TO HEAL WHEN YOURE GETTING STEPPED ON NO USE SELLING YOUR SOUL WHEN YOURE GETTING PASSED ON#HOW COULD THEY TREAT YOU LIKE A FORGOTTEN CARD?? DEAR DAD IM SORRY! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!#WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE WHEN THEY THROW YOU AWAY IS ANYBODY EVER GONNA HEAR WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY I WAS FLYING ON A REDEYE#MY HAND DROPPED TO THE AISLE I COULD SEE MYSELF CLEARLY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A WHILE THERE WAS NOTHING BUT LINES#NOTHING BUT OUTLINES MY GUT SANK LIKE A STONE BUT I HEARD ANOTHER VOICE SAY WE ALL WALK ALONE! THERE MUST BE MORE THAN BLOOD!!!!!#ask#touya todoroki
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bridgerton season 3 sucked absolute ass
#spoilers!!! but ur not gonna miss much i promise#as an avid bridgerton fan girl trust me i have the credentials to talk about this guys#it was so unbelievably bad no one can convince me otherwise#where was the drama where was the build up where was the lust where was the groveling it was so bad#why did she have hybrid lash extensions and gelx almond nails like why were they wearing full fsces of charlotte tilbury#that hot air balloon scene pissed me off sooo bad like penelope girl STAND UP!!! dont piss me off what are u doing falling and tumbling the#balloon was gojng -4 km an hour GET UP!!!!!!!#the sex scenes were so mid like u guys wanna be simon and daphne soo bad#i was excited for penelope too like i love her character i relate to her so much it pisses me off they fumbled so hard#colin was always meh but penelope like u shouldve made him beg more and colin shouldve just wanted to beg more#who tf was lord debling i forgot he even existed when i watched part 2 like hes so irrevelevant#dont even get me started on how anti climactic it was when colin found out penelope was lady whistledown like#literally girl bye wasting my fucking time#thats all i came here to say ive been having a horrible time recently and this just pissed me off even more#bridgerton#bridgerton season 3
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im going into my new work tomorrow, first time ever😐
#i was supposed to go in yesterday but um#so basically i did whatever training i was never even aware existed on a platform i was never told of#which has progress for every lil step i do so my manager literally could see i hadnt even logged on n couldve warned me any time#but never did 4 some reason. like even a days notice like heyyy have u gotta blah done n not as im abt to exit to work#BUT ANYWAYS so i tell her i got it done n shes like awesome i make new schedule (since she said we have 2 completely rid the old one#i dont get an update until 4 days later. all she did was add THREE training days (im supposed to have 6 cus it's a hard job)#on TOP of my old schedule. so i have 3 days i know are training days and then a solo day bcs that solo day was going off my old schedule#so it's like. which days do i go on then. bcs u said i cant come in at all bcs we'll have to make a completely new schedule#and then the new schedule is just. 3 added days. on top of my old one#sunday i was scheduled for training & there was No trainer scheduled with me. it was just me#sunday wasnt one of the 3 new days added. it was from the old schedule she literally told me to ignore#n then all a sudden today i get an email from someone who was supposed to be training me (name not even on the schedule tho)#n shes like hey im in the building are u lost or smthing :)?' mind u im asleep . so she probably thot she was wasting her time for a good hr#i emailed her an apology n an explanation but UGH r u fucking serious?? IF I KNEW THAT WAS A (NEW) TRAINING DAY I WOULDVE WENT#I JUST WANT TO GET USED TO THIS NEW THING & IT'S JUST GETTING FUCKED LIKE I DONT EVEN HAVE A BADGE YET BRO#like i was suspicious of going in sunday bcs it wouldve lined up nicely with the 3 added training days#but manager TOLD me she was adding a whole new training schedule! i double check n all she added were THREE days! thats it!#how was *i* supposed to know sunday was supposed to be 1 of those days when ive been staying at home ignoring the schedule u said 2#BCS U SAID 2. AND ALSO. THERE WAS NO TRAINER ON THE SCHEDULE.#even tho the drive is far. i wouldve driven up there today to see if i could shadow if i had known there was someone to shadow there#bcs even if i was wrong abt the day 2 come in at least i wouldnt waste my time but i didnt even know if there was someone there with a#trainer title. so i just missed a day i didnt even know i rlly had. FOR NOTHING. UGHH. I FEEL SO STUPID. I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION#im so scared of coming in now. sverybodys gonna think im dum n what if i have issues training then theyre gonna be like#we spent all this time on bro n he had all this time 2 prepare n he still sucks like damn we should just give up#i would 2 but i hate not seeing things to completion so. ugh. hate it here. idk what 2 say. EMBARRASSING#i hate miscommunications i hate feeling stupid
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WAIT i never complained abt my scheduling lol. still have not seen my actual boss more than that one five seconds and me and main coworker are supposed to work coverage out amongst ourselves bc thats more relevant fine and okay. but i ask her about what i should switch to going more part time and off of being Fulltime In Training and she says oh ill talk to [boss] about it. and then does and tells me oh [boss] wants to talk to u about that today or tomorrow.
she never does and shes never in her office so i dont hear anything by friday when i work w my second coworker. who i dont really think either of us vibes w the other lol weve been nice but im happy not to work w her. and the feeling is mutual bc she told me oh is this ur last friday i didnt think u were working [boss] told me u were going to be switching to mon-thru-thursday. OKAY? thats really funnily pointed but WHY DID SHE TELL U AND NOT MEEEEEEE. why cant i just know what im working more than two days in advance lolllllll. i am not made for this pwease.
#ITS ALSO ONE DAY MORE THAN I WAS PREPARED TO WORK. its fine but#another thing i havent been told: how long my shifts are supposed to be??? i just stay till the end of my main coworkers shifts bc#eventually ill have days by myself so i want to be used to what the last hour is like#but second coworker kicked me out early first time i worked w her (again: lol) bc i 'already worked my eight hours' WAS I SUPPOSED TO#KNOW IM ONLY SUPPOSED TO WORK EIGHT HOURS. no ones been stopping me but if i stay the last hour mon-thru-thursday#thatll put me over the 20-30 hours. like. halftime employment classification im in. am i getting anyone in trouble for that am i#wasting labor hours or something lol. I DONT KNOW. NO ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING#BWAHH!!!!!!!!!#i really wanted to be all set to like. approach my assertive communication properly from the start here lol i want to start#acting like im thirty but ive been thrown for such a loop since the first surprise shift and then had zero time to catch my breath and#a million other stressors that take up any energy or fucks i would have for chasing down answers kjsfg WHATEVER!!!!!#give me overtime and extra pay then <3 until anyone tells me otherwise
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the slytherin skittles were terrible people and we’re acting like they’re all gay icons with tons of piercings who like wearing crop tops and blah blah
"The slytherin skittles were-" non-existent. That's the word you're actually looking for. They're not real. It's all just fiction. Hope that helps.
#literally how did you even get to the udea of sending this to ME#do i look like i care? because i dont#i happily also enjoy reading lots of 'fucked up' shit so you REALLY wont get me with the morality thing lol#because I. DONT. CARE.#and dude ive literally barely even been online since ive been abroad#like how did you go to me for this#go be productive instead#youre just wasting your time on reminding me how much i love my babygirls#im sure you hate i call them that too#but idc 😘
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has anyone noticed the world is getting so much smaller lately
#ive been actively suicidal for many months now and it keeps getting worse#im not safe anywhere im not either working at or paying to be and even then anyone can hurt me at any time and i just have to take it#i don't even want to go anywhere anymore#my cat just died he had some kind of disease or maybe cancer and he was throwing up so much he just gave up on eating#and i kept telling them he was losing a lot of weight but they ignored it until he was skin and bones and dehydrated and jaundiced#and it was too late#and i want to waste away too but im not even strong enough i just keep working like always#the world is just so small now#this isn't like. a suicide note or anything ill keep living for now#but i am fucking desperate#suicide m#animal death#idk what else#im sorry to whiny ventpost but idk what else to do
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Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18
#i need to solve a puzzle or some shit. god. fuck.#i cant concentrate on anything i cant fall asleep i cant stay asleep i cant stay awake i cant wake up on time#i hate depression 😒 and all the other things wrong with me yknow#i need to do something like. good for me. but its so damn hard to drag myself into doing that too#brain. stop being so foggy. please.#im even like. im eating im drinking water. i could probably like do some sort of exercise but everything makes me so tired.....#like even a walk yknow? i do my shift at work and im at 3% battery. i dont. i dont know what to do man#and i dont even wanna die about it???? im actively NOT suicidal for once#like are you kidding me??? ive been suicidal for like over a decade and for once#my brain is still popping up like have you considered killing yourself? 🤔 but im Genuinely not swayed by it at all#which is weird. and probably good. but now i just feel like. numb#stuck. stagnant. foggy. can we PLEASE cut through this fog and have some meaningful brain functions for a little bit. brain. cmon#i dont wanna die but i *do* wanna sleep for like. three days#i want a week off where i have NOTHIN to do#genuinely nothing to do. chores are done work is on pause i need nothing creeping in at the edges thinkin bout#ohhhhh you should be doing this instead..........youre wasting your time........do a task.....#but i cant i cant do a task. i cant. and its so frustrating and i feel bad about it#id feel much worse about it if my BRAIN wasnt as foggy as fucking SAN FRANCISCO#and i keep trying like. healthy ways of ''feeling something'' like hobbies i like or yummy food#nothin. does fuckin nothin. i get off and it gives me a Little bit of clarity Maybe. like#no wonder bad coping mechanisms happen yknow??? its an absolute fucking miracle i havent taken up smoking#anyway. i need to go to bed. tomorrows gonna be a long day. if you feel so inclined send me mental love or something. im fuckin tired folks.
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:] I have a date booked for my first hrt appointment yay
#my things#im excited like im finally doing it after so much fucking around and wasting time.. weow..#its really good that ive been working a bit more lately because the cost of this.. PHEWEWW... ordinarily i wouldnt spend so much but..
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is there an actual medical reason why my body just doesn’t respond to medication and if there is please tell me it can be fixed bc this some bullshit
#ive tried easily over a dozen medications that just did absolutely nothing#and i mean no benefits no side effects even at increased dosages#all for different things like blood pressure heart rate salt increase contraception the works#then theres pain killers#talk about a waste of fucking time#ive tried at least 8 different pain killers that all have different bases and different things they fix#in the last five days ive tried four different meds#and theyve done absolutely nothing#one of which was a post surgery med my dad was prescribed and it literally just made me high for an hour and didnt touch my pain#how the hell does that happen#my ribs are so fucked#and its going into my stomach and hips bc of the way ive been holding myself to compensate for it#and i literally did nothing to trigger it#i know its muscle bc i used rapigel and it instantly went freezing cold#but i also had a long hot magnesium bath and used a topical muscle relaxer spray and none of it did shit#ive done heat ive done cold ive done sitting ive done laying down#im trying some endone we have left over tomorrow and if that does nothing then theres literally nothing else to do#theres nothing else#what the fuck am i supposed to do#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#spoonie#chronic pain#pots#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#fibromyalgia#ehlers danlos syndrome#chronic illness
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