#ive been trying to do it properly for months
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thank you to @completemessash for telling me how they made their masterlist <3
#ive been trying to do it properly for months#and just saw theirs on my fyp#so i asked and finally understood it lmao#wait its called feed not fyp#i think#well anyways thank you#talk
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a mob of emus for an artstyle game on twt! ^_^
#project sekai#emu otori#the usernames are all their public twts so if you use that evil platform check out their art ^_^#many of them are on here with the same users even.. be gone from my sight vile bird#the one on the bottom right is Mine but ive never had an artstyle in my life so it may not be obvious to the viewers. sorry.#pjsk#prsk#proseka#only my beautiful mutuals beautiful art can make me do LINEART#i was going to ask on here but realized i dont have mutuals bc this is a side blog. sniffle. hell on earth#I dont have much to scream in the tags. semester is almost over. Im sleepy. I designed emu a huge seord for an assignment#but the 3d model turned out Bad. it looks ok from the top but you turn it and see Problems.#its been a month or so since i modelled that and i have gotten better so i want to try again with no time crunch + pressure#its a fun looking sword. magical girl sword type shit#EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT THE LITTLE PRINCE WXS STUFF I END UP AWAKE UNTIL 3AM BECAUse it GETS TO ME#WAAAAAAAAAUHGH. I HAVE CLASS IN 11 HOURS#GOODNIGHT. IT WILL BE AS IF ALL THE STARS WERE LAUGHING.#oh my god wait i did this this weekend bc i was like yaay i have a weekend without any assignments due#I just forgot abt one. Bc my email hasnt been working properly and didnt send me the reminder for it. i will spend my tuesdah drawing a gun
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did you know if you write your rng improves by 10% per draft.
#❛ ♡ › jupiter : 𝐨𝐨𝐜.#im joking btw just magically got the skyward harp on the standard for tartaglia and my day is maaaade.#my characters are coming tg a bit more as well.#i also finally breached ar50 (which ive been on for like 6 months iirc???)#and am now 57!#and won xia.ngli ya.o in wuw.a today <3#a productive weekend all in all.#im going through a phase rn where there is. a lot i want to do but i havent organised myself properly to do it all.#so im going to try one super long draft and then plan out how i wish to make this week run.#sorry to anyone who is waiting for things. my writing mojo is back enough to let me know i can def do a lot of things in the next couple of#weeks! so just you wait <3
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my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol
#.mei chats#soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain#i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent#i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them#and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself#but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back#trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do#Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms#or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!!#<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect#in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly.#they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid.#god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now#i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all#so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do#god this got long. sawry#.not f/o related
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anyway yeah relevant to that post abt being deaf/hoh and ppl excluding u from conversation bc of it (even unintentionally), that's smth that's been really deeply bothering me lately bc there are a few ppl I routinely have to deal with who do it a lot and it Pisses Me The Fuck Off I've lost all patience w them. giving up and calling it ableism and walking out idc anymore 🚶♂️
#theres a guy at work whos incredibly annoying for it but tbh hes bad at his job in general anyway n everyones annoyed at him all the time#so at least i get some solidarity from my other coworkers (who are generally rly accommodating of my deafness)#i dunno how he hasnt got the memo ive explained im deaf so he needs to face me n make sure he has my attention n enunciate multiple times#but nope still not getting thru to him! so half the time if he starts mumbling i just pointedly ignore him until he either speaks more#clearly or goes away lmao#and same with a friend of a friend im sure hes a nice guy and everyone else seems to like him n hes in our main discord server so i cant#avoid him as easily and ive been so tolerant of it but hes worn thru my patience entirely and idc abt trying to be nice anymore#if he comes on call and starts mumbling and sidelining me from the conversation i just put him on mute im not dealing with that anymore#i dont fucking care if its petty and rude to do that. im tired of trying to understand him and dealing with how left out he makes me feel#i hope he picks up on the hostility n feels unwanted so maybe then he'll understand what its like for me and fix his behaviour 👍#bc i have no other way of communicating that with him anymore. since I CANT FUCKING HEAR HIM!!!!!#he also has a lot of other annoying behaviour which is fine but this is my limit its so disrespectful and outside of my control#make space for my disability or go away forever#not sure if we could even be friends if he did change now bc hes soured my impression of him so much by this point.#sad! well theres other guys#im glad everyone ive met at climbing so far has been pretty good abt it. really not that hard to do!#anyway rant over lol. at least the guy at work is only on a temp contract so only have to deal w him for a few more months#unfortunately since the rest of that group is friends w this other guy he'll prolly be around longer. but oh well lmao#just crossing my fingers he'll drift away n never open discord again so ill never have to deal w his shitty crackly mic mumbling#or maybe he'll stop fucking calling from whatever wind tunnel hes in and properly join in on our movie nights instead!!!!!#it is sad bc i think he has similar music taste to me. there are def some things we have in common that could form a basis for friendship#but hes gone n ruined it innit#aaaanyway oops started complaining again... the bitch grind never ends#im gonna shower n go back to elden ringing it.... fare thee well#.diaries
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It's a little funny. I spend so much time compartmentalizing that I convince myself I'm totally fine, of course, all the time.
But when I was filling out the questionnaire before my therapy appointment yesterday, it was like
.... OK yea maybe I have some problems
Also this one 😂😂😂
#speculation nation#it's ok i am now in therapy and we have weekly appointments set up#i havent always had the best experiences with therapy. and by that i mean it has never really been helpful to me#mostly tho bc it's been depression therapists. and i dont actually have depression.#what i DO have is trauma! and barely managed adhd and fibromyalgia.#and especially grief trauma in the past 5 years. oh God do i have grief trauma.#but i searched Specifically for a grief therapist with this. so she should be equipped to properly help me.#ive managed to reach an okay place regarding my old traumas. but this stuff. man it's hard.#i pushed myself to a near panic attack the other day upon realizing the painting i have is an authentic lithograph#& the realization that i am carrying the mantle of several generations of my family now.#most of the generations above me are now dead. so it's up to us to carry on their memories#and i am The One who is unapologetically incredibly tacky. up to me to carry that legacy.#it's pressure. weight that i didnt want. but i dont want to ignore it bc i dont want them to be forgotten.#so im hoping that with therapy. she can help me sort things out so it's less... difficult.#help me remember them without being paralyzed with panic and dread.#and maybe help me with my death paranoia...? 😅 i dont like feeling like anyone in my life could die at any time.#inevitable after my uncle died with only a month's warning and my dad died with barely more than a day's warning.#idk. for someone whose will to live comes from the people i love. it's rather paralyzing.#just gotta cling to the people i have left. and hold them dear.#negative/#kinda but not really. tagging just in case considering the subject matter.#idk im just trying to sort things out. no one goes through this many sudden deaths without a severe complex over it.#but. im in therapy now. and im trying. i am.
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everything sucks so hard rn idk
#mischa isnt eating again all while screaming because shes hungry and pulling every single piece of plastic out of my shelves#all my bags straps and backpacks have saliva stains from her#she will jump into shelves and pull out dvds to lick#and there's no other food i can try#my paycheck lacks 500 euro because i was sick and im still 200 euro in the red after getting my paycheck today#and tomorrow is the tooth surgery and ive been trying to call my dentist because he only applied for 2 of 3 teeth#at my insurance#and these 2 will be over 1k already after my insurance will pay their part#at least the sedation isnt as strong as i thought so i can go home by myself and dont have to rely on any unreliable people#after my mom accused me of making mischa have diarrhea on purpose because the food company changed the recipe and i gave her 1 bag#she hasnt talked to me and im definitely not going to be the one to start a conversation with her because im usually better off without her#so its nice that i dont have to ask her for her assistance tomorrow#just gonna do everything alone like usual#also work is so UUUGGGHHHHH and sucks so hard all my coworkers ignore what i say and just go to other people behind my back to do my job#im stress eating so much all my favorite clothes dont fit anymore and i hate looking in the mirror#i wanna go swimming but i just dont have the energy i just wanna curl up and dont have a body#also i have a comic idea written down for several months now and i wanna finish it for mothers day but i feel so discouraged#wehh#im also so stressed i clawed so much at my face its full of bloody spots i look so bad#every morning my neighbors i dont even share a wall with turn on their super broken washingmachine at 7 am#and it sounds so broken and its so loud it sounds like someone is drilling a hole into the wall for 40 -120 ?>#mins#i haven't been able to sleep properly for like a month#when i go into work everyone is just like oof you dont look good#thanks i know
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#my posts#you know how this usually goes#i make an amount of tags so that if you read this its bc you've clicked and its not bc i am just posting it like whatever lmao#... unsure if i should even post it tho but what else do i do just leave it in my brain? idk maybe its the same maybe its better#maybe its worse? .... why have i been feeling kind of like this and at this kind of intensity for like about 2 weeks or more#2 weeks is how long ive been properly aware so i think its more but like. man.#like maybe its been like a month and i just havent been keeping track of time bc january is way too long to even try lmao#. but. idk. i just wish i could be kinda.. stable. like i cant feel good lmao#like it truly doesn't matter nothing is good enough in general#what i do isnt good enough#what goes on around me doesnt help trying to ignore the constant.. dread?#and like all things considered i should be doing good currently#or at least not this bad#but here i am constantly trying to not let myself feel too bad until im alone bc man.#so... yeah it just doesnt feel like anything is truly worth it not me as a person nor the things i do nor the things i experience lmao#also lately ive been just feeling more..... disconnected to others... like i dont understand them and they dont understand me#but like.. more than usual#and i guess its me? that it's kind of a me problem#idk I'm just tired. i need to sleep. i want to let face down on some sort of big water body or do something that will make my life worse#or they i will regret lmao#i. wont do any of those#also when i mean face down in some sort of bldy of water or whatever i dont necessarily mean like die#not against it but its not the only option#just lay there and float..... also not against it#i just want something that i cant have i guess bc im not sure what it is#like i just know what i want is to not constantly feel like this but idk how lmao#... u would sleep if i can bc man also I'm so tired#.... adding tags its a bit worse than I assumed lmao im also thinking about wether i deserve stuff or not lmao#like it got windy and cooler and i was like 'a blanket by my legs would be nice' only to be like 'no you don't deserve that ' like ah yeah#its kinda worse than i thought lmao
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I'm gonna vent in the tags so scroll past if ya don't wanna read all that 😃
#im fucking pissed off right now oh my god#just found out two coworkers of mine were talking maaad shit behind everyones back 😍#and the manager is siding with them! and trying to avoid hr/higher ups stepping in! isnt that cool!!#not just work related stuff (apparently talked shit about my closes when neither of them can fucking close properly???) but also#about mine and two other coworkers weight!! isn't that cool!!!#it's shit to do either way but what confuses me is that one of them is about the same size as me??? why are you talking shit?? and my two#other coworkers got it even worse because they are heavier. like what the actual fuck.#i dont think either of them are good employees but hey im not perfect either. but ive avoided talking shit about them#even thoughive been annoyed in the past few months that they've gotten preferential treatment from the manager#but talking shit about everyone who works here when they put in half assed effort and then also posting tiktoks about it?? yeah ok fuck them#they avoided an hr claim cause our manager tried to cover it up#nah im done there lmao fuck that place#ok rant done sorry y'all#personal
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#sometimes. most times. if i cant articulate things properly i feel like my heads gonna explode. which is unfortunate bc i have the#language is hard brain problems. my neurology makes articulation difficult. but i try reguardless. which is sometimes. most times.#exhausting. that words gets thrown around a lot when i describe the patterns of my thoughts. exhausting. and it is i guess. tho id say its#more annoying and frustrating. but maybe its also exhausting. hard to tell when its how u think. but ive been reading a lot of papers this#weekend. enjoying the papers i read. papers about photosynthesis at the edge of habitability. about genetis and the structure and functions#of proteins. and the learning curve is steep but im learning bit by bit. and it just sorta makes me sad bc the way that my brain works has#so damaged the way that i interact with the world and i can see it at every step of my academic career. i dont even kno what to say abt the#past 2 years of my life. from where i stand now its just a black hole of self destruction. y did i do that? i dunno. at the time i was just#following the arbitrary rules and restrictions laid out for me within my head. did these rules have a rational basis? no. not usually. but#thats how it had to be. exhausting. but even then i coukd sometimes see thru to the wonder. and it was agony bc i wasnt allowed to think#abt it. its still agony now but i can feel it more often. maybe that's what happiness is to me. to be so full of wonder that i cant take it#i cant exist in that state or id b nonfunctional. its too big for my chest. it makes me want to scream and weep and pull at my hair. and#and its maddening bc i cant articulate it properly. except to call upon media short hands. there is wonder here. a nightmarish description#but not always. sometimes it was beautiful. theres a reason ive read annihilati0n 5 times despite hating the book. theres a reason i rewatch#the terror nearly once a month. to find beauty in a thing that causes you such terror and pain. theres something about it i can't find the#words for and its driving me nuts. exhausting. but so it goes#unrelated
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I love the part of the lgbtq comunity that lets you try on lables. The people that don't require proof that you are one way or another, and dont judge you if you figure out you were wrong about a label or find somthing no longer aplies.
It makes me feel good inside.
#rambles#lgbtq community#lgbtq#pride month woooo!#I generally consider myself to be one of theese such people#but i do struggle a bit when it comes to people using contradictory lables#ive decided to just ignore it instead of getting upset or anything#while i try to start accepting it#or at least properly educate myself before forming an opinion#like bi lesbians and whatnot#ive always been anti bi/pan lesbians but to be fair i havnt tried hearing them out#i just heard somthing that sounded contradictory and sided with the people saying lesbian erasure#im deciding to be neutral about it now and try to learn more about it from people who it actually effects#cause as a trans masc mlm leaning individual#i have very little to do with women and lesbians#feel like i should get a proper opinion about theese things lmfao
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I am not one to be negative about Pokemon but Scarlet/Violet is the second worst main game on Switch (BDSP is the worst mostly for being a disappointment)
Legends has better shiny hunting
Sword/Shield had better raids
I didn't play Let's Go as much as the others but it is polished and an enjoyable experience
All three run better than SV and have fewer glitches
#fortunately my 3ds should get finished with repairs this month so i can do some sos chaining instead#i have bank and transporter on it if they didnt fuck it up#it sucks i find sv hunting so frustrating because there are a bunch of pokemon where that's the only way on switch to hunt them#like i would love to get a shiny scatterbug but to hunt it on 3ds i would need to do a new playthrough because my files are weird#(i bought a powersaves and tried to do multiple files and switching computers made it a mess so i just need to play again)#and then i need to get some help somewhere to complete the ENTIRE nat dex to get the shiny charm#because i balk at the idea of not using shiny charm#and even then i have to do random encounters because i dont want to do masuda method#i'll have to do the same with oras but at least dexnav provides an alternative#it will be nice to replay those games properly#fun fact i have done rng manipulation hunting in bw2#got a shiny latias 2/3 of the lake trio (got a full odds uxie in bdsp so ive got the whole gang) and an absol for a friend#bdsp despite my low playtime i got 3 shinies#the aformentioned uxie a quagsire in the marsh and a random tentacruel. no idea how or why#i intended to finish the dex in bdsp for the shiny charm even though it helped like two things but i didnt vibe with the game enough#ds rng manip is cool if you have not a 3ds and a computer look into it. did gen 5 for specific mons and got cute charm glitch on hgss#there is also rng manip for 3ds titles but i didnt find out until the charging stopped working right so i havent been able to try it#(i removed the battery to charge it so the date reset regularly)#also id you have a 3ds. hack it. do it. 3ds.hacks.guide it's very well-written and lets you do cool shit#including piracy
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#now i am absolutely playing and spinning the wheel of . am i going to get sad abt That .#i was a lil bummed abt it yesterday . byt at some point i think i did realise theres probsbly a reason#bc . there was absolutwly divine play happening yesterday . oh my fucking god .#but . anyway having to like rlly pull myself away formcthat glass is having . a negative . distortion#in my brain of some form idk. i cant talk abt it vut im trying to just .#bc while im typing this out and . stringing words tgth that makr No Sense to nayone#egen me sometimes#my brains doing some kind ofnsorting anf its . good? bc itd actually working through what the issue is or wtv. even if whats cominf#outbof my mouth or in text form makes no fucking sense#bc i know whats going on up there. i know that what im saying is helping some kind of dot and pattern so i can get over#whatever thr fuck is upsetting me . bc atp im not . ipset aby anything fucking NEW anymorem#im still putting away my past toys and knives!!!!! why !!!!! why am i still closing doors on old cycles ajd wounds !!!!#50/50 i have been ignoring it and not doing it properly . 50/50 theres stuff i havent been allowed to actually#heal from or access yet regardless. n i do see why ! bc i think abt how ive felt w some of these revelations#and know if id come to this or saw thus or WHATEVER 1 2 or even 4 months ago . provably wouldve done smth drastic . bc i keep slmost#fucking doijg dhit n i just . im not supposed to this time. i know that.#my job is to sit down and shut up. im supposed to docthis (mostly) on my own and without doing whay#my stupid ego wants to do >:( die
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i hate living with my family and i wish i could blow this shit city off the map (sorry for being a teenager again) but im going to practice gratitude for just a moment...garlic bread and mac and cheese in the fridge. and really big tasty everything bagels and heirloom tomaters from the farmers market. and ice cream. ok that is all thank you for listening
#mine#today has been a pretty good day all things considered...#i found some good new music in the morning while doing some hobby stuff then i took a nice nap that was exactly the right length#then i did some more japanese study for a bit...i'm doing slightly deeper dives into particles since i can tell they're important#but when i read lyrics or even regular sentences i get a bit lost in the sauce trying to figure them out properly...#anyway now im going to go eat some of the aforementioned foods (i had bagel and tomato and cream cheese for lunch it was REALLY good...)#also im selling some stuff in anticipation of moving out (and because ive been unemployed for 5 months LOL !!! -_-) and managed to sell my#old switch lite!! i'll miss the little guy we had a lot of fun together...but i never use it and i need $ lol#don't worry i did factory reset it before letting it go. o7 i hope your new owner cherishes you too
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my period is like 10 days late and im feeling so heavy and sad
#just come and get it over with man ive gone thru two rounds of acne breakouts already#i don't even like my mom or talk to her when she's here but i miss her the house feels so hollow without her#it's scary growing up living alone i don't think ill be able to do it ive always had siblings atleast#i miss my bestie stupid strict parents won't let her just move in here for a week like come onnnnnn#i want to cry but i can't cry i feel numb#and empty mostly that's the biggest feeling like a gaping hole in chest#and#and i want to grow my nails out and paint them pretty but i can't stop scratching this wound on my legs and it won't heal it's been weeks#and ive been trying and trying and trying to study for weeks and it's not happening not at the pace it should#i thought leaving office would make me motivated to study properly all day but it's been over a month and i still haven't covered#any substantially more syllabus than i had when i left kt#i just need to stop thinking and do it i know i just wish. i don't know i just wish it wasn't so hard i just wish#that there was some tiny fraction of happiness i was gaining at the end of the day to make it feel worth it#i suppose i just need to fall in love with the learning process instead of emotionally unavailable cruel women
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I will say while I've loved most of elden ring I'm really glad I'm down to just 2 more main boss fights (malenia + maliketh) before I start the endgame boss fights... whew 😮💨
#really gorgeous world but frankly its unnecessarily long. theyre gonna kill me for saying that but its true..#some areas/bosses just become overly repetitive when the game is THAT massive like its unavoidable#they tried rly hard to distinguish every area + honestly its a great effort but it couldve been half the size and just as good#like i just did the elphael ulcerative tree spirit bc i wanted to finish millicents questline. and come on man we didnt need another one#the design is sick + loooove the animation. but its a bad fight not bc of the difficulty but bc its janky as hell#lock on doesnt work properly bc of its size and the way it moves. u cant see shit on ur screen fighting them melee its just hack n slash#and theyre always in the most dogshit arenas possible for them like spaces w no maneuverability. its just not fuuuun#especially after youve fought 5 or 6 already earlier on in the game..#and its cool to have variations like the scarlet rot ones but we already HAD one of those just before lake of rot!! the gimmicks worn off#i did everything except maliketh in farum azula today as well and again. it didnt need to be that long. killing beastmen gets boring#after like the first 20 combat is just mashing buttons.. even the platforming is getting dull bc ive done 120 hours of it now#and theres only so many combinations of ladders and hallways and so on that u can possibly cram in here..#i say all this with fondness like i truly do love it. but it couldve been a lot tighter! regardless ill still 100% complete it#and i get most ppl dont try to get every single armament and talisman etc so they probably dont waste time FULLY exploring like i am#ahhh. anyway ill probably do malenia and maliketh tmr bc im right outside both of their arenas. and then call it quits this weekend#ill get my first ending next weekend probably... and hopefully by june ill have 100% and then i can play something else 😭#ik the dlc comes out in june but ill probably take a month or two break before i get to that#it doesnt even neeeed a dlc.......its excessive as it is just make a new game by this point ahhhhh#anyway its like 1am i need to SLEEP. i said i would go out to watch for northern lights but its overcast and im tired and my roommate#didnt wanna come with.. so i was gonna go to bed early instead but i guess that didnt happen lol#gonna feel like shit tomorrow bc i have to be up early to take my meds and she'll wake me up anyway.. but cross that bridge#typing is getting difficult bc im so sleepy okay goodnight everyone#.diaries
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