#ive been having a shitty week and it just got worse

[catgirl-or-furry]

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY COUNTRY

[pallases]

english prof just left LOADS of feedback on my essay omg this is so exciting

[illmasc]

Hi hello. Totally legit scientist here. I’m doing a private study to see if tdick can get another trans guy pregnant. You seem to be a good test subject.

I’ll try different positions, different toys, tools, engage different specific kinks, etc. I estimate it’ll take about a week and you’ll have to stay in my “lab” full time. You’ll be given an IV of nutrients so we won’t even have to stop to eat You’ll be restrained of course, I anticipate you might get a bit resistant once the real overstimulation sets in.

If you’re not pregnant after it’s over, we’ll just have to try again with new methods. I’m sure you’ll get knocked up eventually.

i’ll wake up blinking in the bright overhead lights, already restrained. I don’t remember how I got here, but one thing is for certain—i’m completely naked on this table, covered in that shitty paper they have at the doctor’s office. my legs are in stirrups.

something’s coming back to me—I came into this trans-friendly clinic that promised free birth control services. i’ve never been good at regularly taking the pill, so I jumped at the chance to try out the test trial, advertised as ‘no stress! have all the sex you want!’

Vulgar, sure, but as a broke, disorganized college student, it was too good to pass up.

I figured it would be a little questionable, so i shake off any feelings of doubt. I’ll ask when it starts, to which you’ll just smile and rub at my thigh with your cold, latex-gloved hand. You press into my hole without warning, rubbing my insides until they respond against my will. This isn’t what they usually do at the gynecologist, but I’ve never gotten an IUD before—maybe this is all standard. Still, I’m starting to get nervous. It feels good, but…

“Will it hurt?” I’ll ask you, “The IUD. I’ve heard it—“

“You’re not getting an IUD today,” you’ll explain as you continue to work your fingers on me. Opening me up. “Don’t you remember? You signed on to join our test trial.”

I didn’t read any of the papers I signed at the intake. I just figured it would be an IUD…or Nexplanon, but they don’t put those in your…

You’re still touching me. You’re basically fingering me. worse—I’m struggling not to cum. Already. I might be a touchstarved little slut, but even this is a record for me.

Passing out, waking up nude, with my body reacting this way…it all puts a sour taste in my mouth. My mind feels like it’s turning to sludge as you tease my cervix.

“What did you…did you…drug me? What is this?”

You ignore my questions, and keep prepping me with your fingers. I wince in pleasure as your thumb finds my perky, aching tdick. “We’re going to start out vanilla, but don’t worry. If it doesn’t take, I have plenty of…aid.”

I only notice that your pants are down around your knees when you bring your hips flush with my entrance. I feel your tdick brush against me, replacing the void your fingers left. You smile at me, and I know what’s about to happen.

“If…sorry, when it works, you won’t have to worry about birth control. At least, not for nine months.”

[schlattslonghairytoes]

chapter eight

Snapchat!

Tyler

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👨🏻‍💼 theodore   🟥 new snap   2d

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🤷🏽‍♀️ bust down tatiana 🟥 new snap   8m

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👸🏼 hot girl from party 🟦 new chat   6s

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👨🏼‍🎤 King Charles pt.3 ▶️ delivered   1w

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theodore 

bust down tatiana

Tylers pov

real life!

when i open talias snap my heart immediately drops and i walk over to ted and Charlie. "teddy char, look what she sent me before schlatt went upstairs to her." ted looked up and immediately followed "they need to figure out their shit, im so tired of all this"

"what even happened between them that they love-hate eachother like that." charlie asks 

one fateful night changed both of them in their own way, four weeks prior to the incident talia and schlatt made a mistake. they were both high in talias basement and one thing led to another and ... you can guess the rest.

but it didnt stop there, the two formed a secret situationship, the most dangerous of ships, and continued their secret away from the eyes of their friends, but it wasn't utill mear weeks before they were ment to leave for college that their friendship crumbled into pieces.

~~early september~~

"schlatt, man, ive got to ask, is talia single? cause ive been meaning to get to know her and i think shes really hot so...?" schlatts friend questioned. the luck of the straws meant that today happened to be one of the many days schlatt was in a shitty mood.

schlatts response to his friend was nothing if not nice "you can have her, shes a bitch though im warning you." now you may think this is tame, but wait and see what this mans mouth can really do (pause).

later that day schlatt made a bad choice, he went to a party, without telling talia, and shortly after drinking an entire bottle of Titos, by himself, in the span of 2 hours, schlatt found himself at the party, he managed to make an even worse decision, talk to a pretty girl and lead her to the back of the party.

all the while talia sat in her bedroom, waiting for schlatt to come over, because something slipped schlatts mind, with all the alcohol and that blonde girl with the fake nose, today was september 9th. 

talia romanos date of birth.

now you may ask, what the fuck does that have to do with anything. to which i say shut the hell up and keep reading.

and the reason this has such significance is that talias parents dont give a shit about her. second her friends and her had celebrated days before, so that schlatt and her could have their annual birthday sleep over. one birthday into the next. they had done this every year since turning 8.

so naturally talia assumed the worst, assumed schlatt on his short walk to her apartment, had been murdered, mugged, molested, or worse. forgot. so she made her way to his apartment, but when she found no one home, naturally, she lost it.

187 texts

23 voicemails

and finally 

1 email

she then decided to make a move she deemed smart, she deleted all of them. but to top the cake. her cherry on top if you will. at 12:26, officially schlatts birthday. a public story was updated. not just anyones story. her best friend anabelles. 

a picture of anabelle and schlatt making out at a party with the caption "hbd @jj.schlatty! tn was so much fun cant wait to see what 17 brings!!" now talia thought it was fake. i mean her and schlatt were practically dating! and not to mention it was taken down 2 minutes later! so maybe this was an old picture, but it cant be it says "tn was so much fun". 

so here is where logic talia kicked in, she knew if she brought this up, it would end DISASTROUSLY and i mean bad. so her logic was, she was never going to bring it up, if she was in love with schlatt and he was out doing this. there was a clear one-sidedness to this whole thing they had going on. so she decided it was over.

the next day at school was a long one. it started first period with anabelle giving a long and detailed recap of last night, painstakingly long, and with her newfound info she hatched a plan. then came second period. new media broadcasting. a sports recap/school announcements class that schlatt and talia shared

more then just shared, they were co-anchors, they ran the show together since freshman year, so when she walked in the door to see a hungover schlatt slouching in his seat, her grin grew 3 sizes

"hey pumpkin! i got you coffee from the deli" she sat the black coffee down on his desk before quickly walking over to nick. her other best friend, whom she liked a bit more then anyone at the moment. the lighting and sound guy

"hey sexy, i need to make this quick, you are coming over after school because we need to fucking talk, but if you could do me a HUGE favor i would love you even more then i do now" nick was the only one who knew about schlatt and talia. "when we start the broadcast, turn schlatts lights up as high as they go."

"oh bitch im already on it" and it was go time. now all you need to know about that broadcast is, it never aired. schlatt couldnt read the teleprompter, he shivered when talia made a psa about underage drinking, his mouth was dry, and he even screamed at nick to lower the lights.

so naturally he wanted to talk during 3rd, their free period they shared, she agreed. they walked to the Panera 3 doors down, ordered food and sat down

"what the fuck happened last peiod talia, cause i know for a fact that you talking to nick, and then my lighting suddenly bumping up in quality had something in common. so spit it out, what did i do?". he said with a tone talia didn't particularly enjoy

"well schlatt do me a favor. look at the date for me. it is currently september 11, and no im not gonna make a towers joke. heres the thing about september, see we both have pretty important milestones there dont we?"

"talia what are you on about" his brow raised. "wow you really are dense, since i guess you developed short term memory loss, presumably from all the exsessive drinking you do, it seems youve forgot something, something that happenes every year"

"can you ge-" "oh im not finished" she cut him off

"every year we have done the exact same thing, and i loved doing that thing, but since you decided not to show up i guess the feeling wasnt mutual. you missed my birthday Jonathan. better yet our birthday. jalias birthday, or talanthan if youre more into that. a tradition we have kept alive since we were 8 years old, but you deemed so unimportant, you killed in one night, so next time the lights are extra bright, or nick glares at you across the room, maybe think, wow i just might of upset talia, on the one day she needed you most, now if you'll excuse me, one of us wants to do well in life and actually get accepted into college, so i am leaving, i already payed dont worry, i know not having a job can be hard, ill see you around Jonathan." she spat out.

and with that she walked out, and that is where their fued began, but ill save for another day, a more dramatic one. but for now lets head back to tyler and his friends.

Tylers pov

real life!

"schlatt once told me it had to do with him "fucking up" but then gave me no context and changed subjects so i assume he said something stupid but then again everything he says is stupid so im not to sure." ted responded

"that adds up but all i know is im tired of them fighting, its really annoying." Charlie looked up at me as if a light bulb went off "guys i have a plan, what if we-" "locked them in a room together!!" ted finished his sentence before the started screaming and jumping around

"do you guys share a brain or something?"

[charklenee]

Im bored here is chase x y/n [house md] part 1

I have clinic duty today and I've never felt more exhausted. Working five to nine is already hard, but in addition to the headache I got from my hangover, it's a new kind of hell. I knew I shouldn't drink an excessive amount of liquor during a week day but what more can I say? I was in a state of absolute vulnerability and had a rough time processing an end to my two-year relationship, with my now ex-boyfriend. My head ached tremendously and I could feel a beating pulse on the back of it. I closed my eyes and relaxed my shoulders and sat calmly on the chair in House's office.

He walked in his sneakers with his cane towards the coffee pot and poured a glass for himself.

Currently, I'm still closing my eyes and ready to pass out any moment. I had enormous eyebags in dark shades of brown and black. Slightly smudged mascara and eyeliner was still visible because I haven't washed my face since last night. My hair was scuffed in a bad way, but I managed to clip it so it wouldn't be unbearable. I looked like a mess, I sound like a mess, my hair looks like a mess, and I have clinic duty today. This day couldn't not get any worse, right?

"Patient is in a severe state of comatose," House said while sipping his coffee.

"And?" Cameron replied.

"What is the word "severe" implying?" Chase said with furrowed eyebrows.

"It means she is half-dead and in a state of comatose "

"Great.." I say. "Just put her on the IV and wait for her to emerge from her beauty sleep three decades later, easy-peasy."

House turned his head from the whiteboard and looked at me straight in the eye, "oh yeah, I thought of the same thing, well obviously - are you hungover, Dr.?" House said it in the most sarcastic tone he could possibly say and I was about to tip over the edge of my seat listening to his rambling.

"Yeah. I am, House. I'm going to literally faint any minute now -have you done a tox-screen on the patient, might've been drug related."

"Patient's tox screen was clear, no sign of anything related to drugs." House said.

"Organ failure? Kidney? Or maybe cardiac arrest?" asked Foreman urgently.

"So you meant to say that half-dead meant bruised and butchered?" Chase replied to House.

"She's full of scars head to toe and has nasty fleshy wounds, my guess is high blood sugar is an underlying cause of all of this." House said.

"Hyperglycemia as an underlying problem?" I said with my eyes closed and palms covering my face.

"Yes, three points to the alchoholic." House pointed.

Chase was looking at me all concerned but I honestly don't need that kind of attention. I need something like a rebound, alchohol could get me far, but not far enough to forget. Memories of him linger, linger so dearly, hauntingly.

Chase said coldly, "Wake up, House told you to draw blood." He tapped my back whilst I was covering my face.

"Yeah..I'll do it." I said, in a breaking voice.

"Damn, what did this guy do to make you look like this." He left to check up on the patient.

He stopped and looked at me before he went out of House's office.

After a few minutes, I got the sample and I did some tests. I was looking through the microscope at the office and examining the patient's blood culture. There he was, he walked in. He slided the door and tried to not make it obvious he was there for me, but I could tell the opposite from his glare piercing through the back of my mind.

"Yeah, I'm here for you. Are you okay? I brought some juice for your hangover. I know we don't get along and I hardly know you but please just take the juice."

I stood up and stray away from the microscope. I folded my arms, "it's nice to think that somebody is here for me during times like these, but I don't quite enjoy being somebody else's guilt. I don't want your pity, Dr. Chase. But I will accept this juice, thanks."

He handed me the juice and glanced down, this somehow made me guilty for treating him like I did. I keep blaming my shitty behavior because of a break-up. I guess it's somehow true that it did lead up to this behavior but it is also my fault I don't take care of myself.

"Chase. I'm sorry I was acting all bitchy, I-"

"Yeah, I get it. I did pity you, from personal experience I felt a need to help, I guess."

"Oh, yeah. Thanks for the juice."

"Hey.." Chase said softly.

"Yeah?"

"Do you need a rebound, I could help you. It could ease the pain. No alchohol, no meds, just you and me. We could talk your feelings out. I don't want to smell your vodka scent anymore."

"Sure, whatever you say." I initially was thinking it would lead up to this but when I heard the words I just gave up and followed to his sayings because I think something like this could bring me some sort of rejoicement.

"I have clinic duty. I'll be at your place at seven."

"Deal."

[manestjerne]

Let me save you pt. IV

Juice Ortiz x female

Word count: 5.1k

Warnings: toxic relationship, abuse, blood, injuries, mentions of crimes, angst

A/N: Maybe it’s a little too much, but I really felt like it, promise the other parts will be more calm and fluffy, still hope you enjoy🥰

It’s been a few days now, and not much has changed. He still wasn’t talking to me about things he should, but I knew it was only a matter of time. But at least we talked a lot, about everything except the important things, but it’s okay. If he wasn’t here we were texting and it made me feel more safe.

I got up late, enjoying my day off, when I got an unexpected call. It was from St. Thomas, one of the hospitals I applied to. They wanted me to come for an interview and I could actually go there the same day, since I wasn’t at work, so I took a quick shower, did my makeup and put a jacket on to cover the tattoos on my arms. At least for the interview. I really wanted to get this job and the phone call was promising. I sat in my car, feeling like I wasn’t there for ages. Sound of the engine starting warmed my heart a little. I was still stressed, but nothing bad can happen, the worst thing is them not hiring me, but that’s not the end of the world. Driving 30 miles and obeying all the rules was pretty boring, so I decided to step on the gas harder. I knew well why I stopped doing that, but still, it can’t get any worse now, can it?

The lady interviewing me was much nicer than I expected and at the end she said I can get started next week. After that she was talking about some papers I’ll need to sign, but I couldn’t focus on that. The only thing in my head was who should I call first. My shitty boss, telling him I won’t stand behind his shitty bar ever again, or Juice. That one won’t be so easy, me moving from Lodi might make our situation worse. Leaving the room and going down the hall I was staring at my phone, wondering what should I tell him first. New job, moving out? I stared at my phone and stopped rapidly before tripping over some man. He stopped too, so I looked at him. Pretty tall, black beard and hair with silver accents, two long scars by his mouth, imitating a wide smile. But that was not what I was looking at, his cutte was hella familiar.

- Holy shit - I said before thinking of anything else

- Hi - he laughed - can I help you?

- Uh-huh. I have a quick question.

- Go on then - his smile was warm

- Is “Redwood Original” the name of your charter? - I pointed at his patch, which I saw way too many times, but on a different guy

- Ya. Why? - I liked his accent

- And what are you doing here?

- What do you mean by “here”? - his laugh was a bit comforting looking at the weirdness of the situation - The hospital?

- No, what are you doing in Charming?

- Well, darlin’ I live here.

- You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!

- I’m actually not, but can you tell me what’s wrong?

- Nothing’s wrong. Could you tell Juice I said hi?

- Juice? - I heard confusion in his voice

- Yeah… - he kinda put me off guard

- Oh no, don’t get me wrong. We just didn’t know he had a lady.

- We’re just friends, nothing serious - I said nervously and he smirked

- Hey, Chibs! - I heard a man yelling from the other side of the hall - No time for chicks now, we have to go.

- Shit, sorry. So what’s your name again?

- Y/n - I realised I didn’t introduce myself - thanks Chibs.

- Anything - he said walking away

Problem solved. I dialled my bosses number when I heard Chibs saying

- Ay, Tiggy. You knew Juice got himself a girl?

- No shit, finally - the other man replied with a laugh

That’s gonna be fun.

My ride back home was way quicker than it should, but I didn’t care, still happy about my new job. I sat at the balcony with my laptop and started to look through the houses for sale in Charming, after a few minutes I heard a motorcycle pulling up. A moment later I heard a familiar knock on my door, so ran there to unlock it. Juice came in without even asking.

- The hell were you doing in Charming? - I flinched at him throwing his hands in the air and saying it a bit louder than necessary

- I got a new job…. - I replied taking a step back

He must’ve seen my reaction and realised it’s because of him, staring at the floor now.

- But why didn’t you tell me you applied to St. Thomas?

- You never asked what places I applied to. Are you mad? - I decided to get more defensive and set my boundaries - I don’t get what your problem is, you never even told me where you live, so what’s this about? Scared your friends are going to meet me now? Don’t worry, it’s already too late and I still never wanted to-

- Hey - he cut me off with a laugh - What are you talking about? That’s great news.

The relief was surely visible on my face because he shortened the distance between us again.

- So you’re not mad I’m moving?

- Mad? - his laugh melted my heart - Why the hell would I be mad? It will be even easier to hit up on you when you’ll be closer. Just watch out for Tig, he might me a little extra sometimes.

My phone started buzzing but I completely ignored it.

- Why would I ever see him again? Y’all live together in a cute little house or you spend so much time at the hospital? - he didn’t say anything about that, just laughed

- You’re not going to answer?

I took the phone out of my pocket and declined the call from Mark.

- Absolutely not.

We decided to order some food and just hang out for a while. Spending time with him was something else, I felt more safe and comfortable than ever, even tho I knew him for only about a month. Although this time was different, Mark tried to call me two times and I declined. He hasn’t reach out for a few days now so it was my chance to finish it, but I couldn’t pick up when Juice was around. He will probably call again. Definitely. I tried to enjoy spending time with Juice but it was hard to focus. For the first time I was relieved when he said he’s got to go. When I closed the door behind him and sat on the couch I looked at the unread messages. “You moved to Lodi? Why didn’t you tell me?” Holy fuck. How can he know that. I stared at the messages when he called, answered immediately.

- Jesus Christ Mark. Can you finally leave me alone? We broke up months ago.

- Not really - he sounded offended - you broke up with me.

- Exactly - I just smiled at how ridiculous was what he just said - and it means we’re not together anymore

- But can we at least talk about it? For the last few months you acted like you forgot about me.

- Maybe because I did - I was confident, trying to let him know it’s really over - that’s what people do after a breakup. Fucking forget about each other, you should do that too.

- Don’t swear princess - he sounded so calm, started to freak me out

- I’m not you damn princess, what the fuck is wrong with you Mark?

- I just want to talk, you live in Lodi, right? - I felt my body tense at his words

- Well, I’m moving soon, but that’s not your business.

- But you’re still in town? I want to talk to you personally. I’ll be there in 5.

This has to be a joke. He can’t come here, he can’t know where I am.

- You’re freaking me out Mark - I said and hung up

I didn’t know what to do and lately when this happened I just texted Juice. But what am I going to tell him now? Hey, can you come save me, I think my crazy ex got my address somehow and is on his way to kill me or sth. He probably isn’t even going to come here. He surely just meant Lodi. I’ll be there in 5. I’ll be in Lodi in 5. Yup, that’s it. I opened the conversation with Juice.

Hey, I know you just left, but could you come by? I want to talk, but don’t worry, you haven’t done anything bad this time:)

I looked at the message. He won’t freak out, nothing’s happening. It sounds cool. I praised myself in my head for not overreacting when I heard knocking on the door. But it wasn’t my favourite knocking. It was more harsh, aggressive.

- Y/n, please, I just want to talk - his voice was nice, welcoming

I walked to the door slowly, thinking what could happen.

- Please, you know I won’t hurt you. Let’s just finish it.

At this point I had no choice. Slowly bringing my hand up I unlocked the door, at the same moment he slammed it open. I felt warm blood dripping from my nose. Meeting with the cool surface of the wall behind me was comforting, trying to get my thoughts together I just stood there for what felt like hours. He grabbed my hand and brought me to sit on the sofa with him.

- Oh baby, look what you made me do - he said while getting a tissue and wiping my nose and mouth, but I slammed his hand away

- What I made you do? Get out of my house and leave me alone - I yelled, but got silent as he slapped me

I wished I told Juice the truth, or at lest called him to actually come here.

- Shh, let me talk - I just nodded - look, we could start again, what do you think?

- I don’t think I’m ready for a new relationship, not with you.

- Not with me? - he put his hand on my throat and started squeezing - okay, but we don’t have to do it now, huh? - I felt my eyes watering - I can give you some time, just don’t treat me like air.

- Mark, you’re hurting me - I whispered underneath my breath

- Oh right - he pulled his hand back - sorry, love.

My phone started buzzing on the table, I tried to get it but just felt a hard punch on my ribs causing me to wrap my hands around my body.

- Who’s Juice? - he asked

- Just a friend, we work together - I forced a smile to calm him down

- Just a friend? - another punch - just a friend? - he yelled punching me again

- Yes - I said confidently

- Then why would you try to answer so fast? - another punch

I have to change my strategy before I cough my lungs out.

- I just wanted to mute, so no one will bother us.

- Oh, I’m sorry baby, you know I’m nervous sometimes.

- I know, it’s all right - I smiled, blood filling my mouth again

- So can we start again? You know I’m not like this. I have a hotel here, I’m staying for a while.

- That sounds good, but I need some rest now. You can call me tomorrow, how about that? We’ll figure something out.

He pulled me in and kissed my forehead. I felt tingling in my fingers, realising he was holding my wrists so tight I felt blood leaving my hands.

- I missed you. Glad you’re okay, I was afraid you’ll push me away again. I should go now - I felt the pressure around my wrists loosen - I’m so grateful I found you.

- How did you know where I live? - I asked before realising it will only make him stay longer

- Emily told me she talked to you before you moved.

Oh sure, fucking slut.

- I’ll go now, please don’t make me do things like that again. We’ll talk different tomorrow.

- Okay, see you then - I forced a smile and waited for him to leave so I can close the door

I sat on the couch and tried to settle my breath. While putting my fingers to my pulsing temple I felt it’s also wet and sticky. And how the fuck did that happen? I looked at my fingers covered in blood and just wished he’d really leave me alone today. I walked up to the sink to wash my hands and face, looked at the mirror. Bruises covering my neck and wrists, tried to take off my shirt to look at my ribs but couldn’t put my hands high enough so I just sat on the couch glad that it’s over and I’m all right. I remembered the times when he suddenly started being aggressive towards me and after that acted like nothing happened. That’s why I left him, that’s one of the reasons why I left LA. Focusing on what just happend I forgot about texting Juice, but when I heard knocking on my door my heart dropped.

- Y/n. Open the door please!

His scream made me shiver but I walked to the door opening it slowly. He bursted in and walked past me.

- Please don’t do that again, you can’t text me such shit and then just not answer my messages and calls, I was-

He got silent immediately when he looked at my face. Wandering around with his eyes he saw the tissues covered in blood on the coffee table.

- What the hell happened here?

I couldn’t answer, just fell into his arms feeling tears dripping on my cheeks. He gently walked me to the couch and sat close enough to wrap his hands around me in a comforting hug. He didn’t say anything, just hold me close stroking my arm lightly, waiting for me to calm down. When I started breathing normally I pulled back and looked him in the eyes, but immediately turned my head away when I felt my eyes watering again.

- Can you tell me what happened now?

- You want to hear the whole story or just todays one?

- Do we have time for the longer one? - he smiled gently encouraging me to speak

I told him everything about Mark. Starting at how we met during a race, our stormy relationship, his sudden change of attitude and finally about the breakup he couldn’t accept. Then I started about what happened today, but felt like I forgot half of it.

- So at least I was right about the toxic ex - he tried to sound funny but I heard his voice shaking - Why didn’t you tell me? Jesus, I should know, all the missed calls and messages, you flinched when I raised my voice. I should ask you about it, it’s obvious you won’t tell me.

- God, stop. Are you blaming yourself?

- Maybe a little. You should go with me, we have a doctor at the clubhouse, she should see this.

- I don’t need a doctor Juice.

He put his hand on my side which made me bring my knees up and hold them close to my chest.

- This looks like you need to see a doctor. Your nose is also not looking good.

- I don’t think it’s broken.

- Maybe it’s not, but Tara will do something about it. Let me help you, please - he sounded desperate at this point

- Okay, I’ll go.

- Then go and pack, I’ll help you but first I have to call Jax.

- Pack?

- You don’t think you’re staying here, do you?

I knew I couldn’t stay here but I was planning on getting a hotel room near Charming before I could find a house.

- I’m not homeless, I don’t need a shelter.

He just smiled at me and called Jax, I got up slowly and went to my bedroom to get the most important stuff. Juice joined me a few minutes later.

- Tara finishes her shift in about an hour, then she can come and see you, we’ll wait for her - I rolled my eyes - unless you want to go to a hospital?

- And what will I tell them?

- That you were attacked by a clowder of cats?

When we packed all the things I might need in the next few days I realised I’m still covered in blood in some places, it dried up making me feel pretty uncomfortable.

- I think I need to take a shower before we go - I said stroking my hair

- Really? - he put his face in his hands in an act of disbelief

- Really. I won’t go anywhere like that.

- As you wish princess, I’ll wait.

- Yeah, great. Can you help me with my shirt?

- You can’t put your hands up and still tried to refuse seeing a doctor?

- I just. I don’t want to go to your clubhouse okay, definitely not looking like that.

- We’re used to it, don’t worry.

- Used to bringing beat up hoes by another members? - I didn’t actually know why I reacted like that

I was really grateful Juice wanted to help me, I guess it was just my reaction about being so stressed lately. I automatically regretted saying that, waiting for him to take up the argument, but instead he came closer and lightly grabbed my hands.

- Y/n - he started softly - you’re not a hoe, nobody thinks you are. You shouldn’t think about yourself like that either. I know you’re stressed, but you know I just want to help.

- I know, I’m sorry…

- Don’t be sorry, just let me do what’s best for you now.

When I took a shower Juice helped me with my bags and we were ready to go. He stopped at the door and turned to me.

- Can we take your car? I’m not sure bike is a good option for our trip - he smiled

- Sure - I tossed him the keys - but you drive.

We walked out and I leaded him to my car, before he put the bags in the trunk he stopped and looked at it for a moment.

- A fucking challenger? You really were playing Fast and Furious back there.

I just laughed and got in the passenger sit, realising I’ve never sat here.

- I never let anyone drive it, it’s like my child, so you better be careful - I sent him a warning smile - you should feel honoured.

- Well, I am. Don’t worry, I won’t be speeding.

- Oh don’t be ridiculous, that’s what this car was made for. Just don’t hit any pedestrians or worse, a curb - I sent him a death stare and he just laughed before turning on the engine

- Wow - his smile was beautiful, especially when he was sitting here

I started getting more nervous as we entered Charming. Handling one biker was enough for me and meeting an entire charter sounded even worse. I met one, basically two of them and they seem nice, but I don’t think that’s really how they are. We pulled up in the parking lot around midnight. Juice helped me get my bag and we headed to the clubhouse. Silently I wished it’ll be empty since it was that late, but I was wrong. Maybe it wasn’t crowded, but when we entered, the hot smell of alcohol and cigarettes hit me as if I walked to a crowded bar in a big city. Everybody got quiet and all eyes were on me. Chibs stood up and walked to me, patting my shoulder lightly.

- Hello sweetie. I believe you looked better last time I saw you.

- Oh thanks, nice to see you too, now shove off - I said before thinking about it

At least I didn’t say fuck off.

- I knew you were a good one when I first met you - he laughed and went back to the couch

I looked around and saw that they’re not staring at me now, when I walked through the room everyone greeted me, like they actually were friendly. Juice told me to sit next to Chibs since I already knew him and he went to get Jax.

- Oh hello - said the man with curly hair I saw at the hospital - I’m Tig.

- I remembered that - I smiled lightly - I’m y/n.

- Well, so you’re Juice’s girl, huh?

- Okay, I don’t know what he told you, but we’re just friends - I was pretty annoyed by hearing it again, not knowing what Juice was saying about me

- Actually he told us nothing about you. We tried asking him but he only said that you’re from Lodi, nothing more. But now - his blue eyes wandered around my face and body, tracing all the visible bruises - what happened?

- Just a few scratches, Juice insisted that I should see a doctor so here I am, waiting for Tara.

- But who did it?

- Thanks for your worries Tig, but that’s not important.

- I’ll get you a beer, huh? - he smiled and walked up to the bar

Actually a beer is a good idea.

- Listen - I turned to Chibs immediately when I heard his voice - I know you’re not comfortable here and you don’t want to talk about it, but we need to know who did that. You’re a friend to a club now, we’ll help you.

- Juice helped me already - I shrugged my shoulders

- So you’re sure that this person won’t find you here?

- Uh, well - but I never finished

Juice came in with Jax and gave me a hand to help me get up.

- Jesus Christ… - Jax gently wrapped his hands around me as a welcome - Are you allright? Tara will be here soon, she’ll take care of you.

- I’m sorry Jax, I didn’t want to come here in her free time. I’m really grateful she’ll come.

- That’s not a problem.

- Now - Juice looked more serious then ever - can you give me your phone?

- My phone? Why do you need it?

- I need to make sure he won’t bother you again, your phone can help me find him. And don’t say you don’t want me to do that, I’ll find him either way, we can’t risk him coming back.

I didn’t know what to say, I never thought this could happen. Juice bringing me here should keep me safe.

- I’ll come with you - said a long haired man sitting at the table besides us, he greeted me with the warmest smile saying his name’s Bobby

- I’ll go too - said Chibs standing up slowly

- Count me in - Jax nodded looking at me

- If you have so many volunteers - Tig came back with our beers - I’ll stay here, keep an eye on the girls.

- Okay, so we’re all set - Jax smiled at me again - Tara will be here any minute, then we can go.

I sat on the couch, glued to Juice’s side when they were talking about some random shit, I couldn’t focus on the conversation thinking about what was going to happen. When all of them got in an argument about Tig’s hair I felt Juice’s eyes landing on me. Bringing my head up I looked at him and he put his hand on my cheek sending me a warming smile.

- Are you going to kill him? - I asked seriously, keeping my eyes on his

- We’ll do what’s necessary - he kissed my forehead

- Don’t do this - I shyly tried to push him away

- And why is that? - I looked around the room - I told you they don’t give a fuck.

And they actually didn’t. No one was even looking at us. I took a sip of my beer realising it’s almost empty.

- Another one? - Juice asked and I just nodded

When he left I looked around the room again, how can they all be so calm? My eyes stopped at a woman coming through the door. She also saw me, gave me a welcoming smile and came up to me.

- And you must be y/n. I’m Tara, nice to meet you. Let’s go clean you up.

She leaded me to a smaller room and closed the door. I looked around at the wooden table and chairs around it. Tara encouraged me to sit down and opened her bag, starting to clean the cuts on my face.

- I’m sorry you had to come here, I really wanted to do this myself but Juice got stubborn.

- Don’t worry, I help the club when I can, wanna tell me what happened?

I couldn’t say anything because the door opened and Jax came in saying that they’re ready to go. He gave Tara a kiss and told her to take care of me, after that he was gone and we stayed alone again.

- So? - she continued - it doesn’t look like a little fight with a friend.

She seemed so peaceful that I decided to shorten the story for her. She looked at me from time to time but never interrupted. When I finished she stopped for a moment and looked me in the eyes.

- I know what you’re going through, trust me. The guys will take care of him and you’ll be safe, it’ll be okay. Let them do what they have to, before it’s too late.

I didn’t know what to say, just kept looking at the door not wanting to catch her sight again.

- Good news, your nose is not broken, but it may bleed from time to time. And about your wrists-

- Oh, probably nothing happened, I’ve actually had problems with my wrists for a few years now.

- Yeah, I can see that, you should think about a surgery. None of your ribs are broken too, but it looks bad, so I’ll come again and see what’s going on in a few days. For now you’re okay - she smiled while packing her bag - I’m really sorry, wanted to stay with you but our babysitter called and I need to go home.

- Oh sure, you should be home right after you finished work. Thank you again for all you did for me, I really appreciate that.

She smiled and opened the door for me. I instantly came to sit with Tig since he was the only one here I “knew”.

- You look better now, hope you also feel that way - he handed me a beer

- Do you drink here all day long or is today any special?

- There are no limits about drinking here, don’t worry.

He was actually nice and pretty funny. All of them were, maybe it’s not going to be as bad as I thought. We talked for about 40 minutes before they came back and I actually enjoyed our conversation. I felt pretty safe here. That’s weird. When boys came through the door I felt shivers on my body. Knives and guns at their belts, bruises and scratches everywhere, they just looked scary.

- It’s all done, you don’t have to worry about him anymore - Jax said with a smile - but I think you should stay here, at least ‘till tomorrow.

- He’s right, come on - Juice got my bag and gave me his hand

I followed him through the hall and entered his room. It was much cleaner than I thought and kinda cozy. If you can say a room at a clubhouse is cozy. I went through my bag to find a T-shirt and matching shorts to sleep in. Juice helped me with a shirt and put my bag back on the floor.

- I’m going to take a shower now, you can change here. The covers are clean, don’t worry - he laughed as he closed the bathroom door behind him

I changed my jeans to shorts and crawled under the covers. The bed was much more comfortable that it looked, but maybe it was just because I was really tired. I tried not to drift away waiting for Juice to come back. When he finally opened the door quietly and made sure I’m not asleep he sat down next to me and grabbed my hand.

- You’re safe here y/n, everything will be fine. Aren’t you hungry?

- I don’t know.

- How can you don’t know? - he laughed softly

- I mean, I probably won’t eat anything, you know.

- Are you sure? I can get you something.

- I’m good - I felt my eyes closing

- Okay, so goodnight - I felt him getting up and opened my eyes again

- Are you not going to stay with me? - he froze

- Do you want me to stay?

- Well… - he raised his eyebrow - yeah, okay. I want you to stay.

He said nothing and laid down next to me, but still keeping some distance, so I decided to shorten it. Rested my head on his arm and smiled when he kissed my forehead again. That felt nice, I love feeling his body next to mine. He gently traced all my face features with his fingers, not leaving any detail, while I slowly fell asleep feeling his hot breath in my hair.

[teddy-feathers]

i hate my aunt.

she made another comment on if i wanted to take more pills or if i wated to grow up and deal with shit.

she does not get that if i didnt have the pills id already be dead. this is not hypothetical. i have wrecked my car on purpose several times, I have too many knives and access to medication and im just smart enough to be a danger to myself. one day i took like a handfull of my actual medication because it was going to fucking help or the next handfull of pills i took wouldnt be to help. and you know what. it fucking helped.

and its not oh youre just reacting badly to stress. no. even when everything was fine id find ways to be stressed or miserable or apathetic. in fact when things were at their best i was often at my worst - and that was after i got back reconnected with family got past the shame started working with a therapist had a job was doing good... and i was still thinking of killing myself. still having days where funtioning was too much like being skinned alive. still being fucking at war with myself from being too up and too down at the same time. and i was doing good. everything was finally better and had been better for a while and i was actively or passively sabotaging that.

and you know what? if there was a possible way to bootstrap myself better, idve fucking found it by now. so being medicated is like actually good for me. and i know it is because when i forget to take my meds or like right now when im switching meds and im fucking miserable and struggling to even pretend to be a person. like im managing to maintain an illusion but its not my best work let me tell you.

that and my best fucking friend are the only reason i called my shrink to say "yeah i actually am not okay" after a week of fucking going "dying sounds nice right now" like honestly and truely if it werent for my best friend id just give up trying.

like i get it. im in a bad place right now and youre worried and you think you know best. but the second you said that snide fucking comment i basically stopped listening. im so fucking furious.

ill give you drug seeking behavior. ill give you taking the god damn easy way out. (she did not say this but you can understand why i think its implied from her fucking attitude)

like. god i want to tell her so bad to stop making comments about it, to just fucking forget im medicated if thats what it takes. because the next time she makes a comment about it that will be the end of the conversation. that is the boundary im setting. that will be the end of the conversation.

but i dont have the fucking balls to set boundries do i.

like. i am sick right now. mentally.

im glad my knives are mostly in the car. im glad my best friend expects me to get up in the morning and gibe her a hug before work. im less glad that i cant bring myself to do things i need to keep my life running but ive got some leeway and hopefully my meds will level me out soon enough that no actual issues arrise. im glad that i might get out of this without fucking up my life or whatever. im glad that this isnt a couple of years ago where suicide seemed like an actual option and i couldnt roll my eyes as i lay here and rot and go "Yeah whatever your being dramatic" and that i know and *can* get up and get fluids and food when im rotting so im not actively making myself worse while i want for it to pass.

i hate that i do have to wait for it to pass. that i feel like if i do certain things it will trigger my own personal apocalypse or breakdown or something. i hate that my thoughts are variations of "i wish i was dead"

but because of the medication, even not at the right level, im not going to drive off the side of the road to deal with my problems.

i hate myself yeah but i hate my aunt and her shitty ass comments.

[thewickerking]

im eating this entire container of gelato idgaf. day one of my period and it sucks ass plus its been over two hours since i sent my text to who should be the assisstant manager at my job if this stupid application stuff works out and the electricity bill is due and i literally have zero dollars in my account ($1 in savings!) and my apartment is hounding one of my roommates to have me on the lease but i dont have paystubs from my job yet because i havent worked a shift yet and im worried they wont accept my apartment application and my testosterone perscription wasnt fucking accepted by insurance despite it being accepted last time so i dont have needles for this week and foreseeable weeks (started t late so i still have some actual testosterone for a few weeks but that doesnt matter if i cant inject it) and my last weekly scheduled plans got cancelled cause my friends were sick and i MISS THEM SO BAD and it feels like almost all of my relationships are falling apart and im kind of growing to resent my roommates and i keep getting terrible sleep and shitty nightmares and i dont have enough stupid savings for guaranteed sunday and i saw my brother yesterday and it seems like the only people that cate that he clearly has an eating disorder is me and i cant stop him and i cant help him and i watched him vomit up his meal and everytime we talk he asks me why i left him alone and tells me he cant take it and he is constantly fighting urges to be violent with our mom and my mom asked if i wanted to spend holidays with the family and i kind of really dont want to like at all and was hoping to have no plans (and hopefully my roommates will be busy and not home) but that sounds kind of miserable and lonely and ive been feeling nothing but miserable and lonely for months GOD IM SO FUCKING LONELY. IM SO LONELY ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY I DONT FEEL LIKE A PERSON ANYMORE. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE I CANT GO ON LIKE THIS. but i must and i will :| i cant maintain text conversations for shit im so awful with digital communication but i have to initiate everything if i ever expect to spend time with my friends but every single goddamn time i do i go home feeling hollow and worse than before ive always felt a little lonely sure but since losing friends over my attempt it just reaffirms that no person will ever love me unconditionally and im hurting everyone around me and fucking god. im so lonely. my friends love me but i dont know why i dont feel it i know its there and everytime someone touches me in any way i have to stop myself from sobbing because i need phsyical affection so bad but it feels like ill die everytime i recieve it and i dont deserve it i dont deserve anything

[lexysstorm]

Live thoughts while reading Thunder:

- why did frostpaw just use the word hours?

- please gay frostwhistle please

- goosegrass? I think thats a new one.

- AAAAAA i just want to read frostpaw pov shes the only one im interested in but ill give the others a shot

- LILYHEARTTTT queen

- if squif doesnt become leader i will be very unhappy

- OMG IVYPOOL DEPUTY????

- ok but why is night going with them i dont see a point

- i really really really hate the decision to pair sun with night it doesnt feel earned. Just let sun be in shadow its so much more interesting there

- ok sunbeam show me whatcha got

- stop being stinky lionblaze

- BAHAHHA BERRYHEART????

- ok she kinda right tho- does look kinda desperate sun im sorry girl you dont need no man

- ok i like spark and finch WOOO

- really love how berryheart trespassed just to whine at sun for leaving

- FROSTPAWWWW

- i dont remember smoky being this nice but ok

- FROSTPAW KIDNAPPED BY PEOPLE???

- FINALLY someone brings tree up in all this

- thats a HILARIOUS trial idea actually

- THE KIT SWEARING LMAOO

- finchsun please

- i think its kinda dumb that riverstar is here ngl- then again i didn't read his super edition

- OH MY GOD SHE GOT SPAYED?? IM

- theres goes my frostwhistle😭😭😭

- another traveling book im

- LMAOOOO NIGHTHEART IS SUCH A BAD CAT???? Hes going for fame😭😭😭😭BROOO

- oh my GODDDDD sunbeam girlie PLEASEEEEEE LEAVE HIS ASS AFTER THIS IM BEGGING

- OH MY GOD SQUIRRELSTAR????? HOLY FUCK

- STOP BEING A BITCH LIGHTLEAP

- i am actually very interested to see what tree comes up with for a solution

- what if frostpaw brings a cat back from the forest territories to be riverclans leader wouldnt that be STUPID

- OTTER MOMENT

- usual nightheart L

- ok i have a pool and a cat that goes outside and the pool cover does NOT bend under her weight💀💀💀theyre made to support a humans weight just in case (i think, dont try that)

- yeah frost is kind of carrying you night step up ur game

- dovewing ur right to be defensive queen- kind of shitty of ivy to be kind of trying to use her like that even if i do like ivy,,,

- omg "im not letting you manipulate me into manipulating him!" PERIOD QUEEN

- berryhearttttttt whatre you planninggggg

- cherry fall is right just give it a lil shove- im sure they could aim the rock to not hit a den

- i bet the black cat that refused to eat with the park cats will be rcs next leader but that's a crack theory

- meditating cats

- ok well. Why cant she just. Learn everything she needs to abt meditation real quick then go back to rc

- WERENT YOU SHADOWCLAN LAST WEEK HAHAHAHAH FROSTPAW

- YOURE NOT GOING TO SHOW US HOW SHE REALIZED??????????? HELLO?????

- oh nevermind okay

- "ive always known" SUREEEE unless im forgetting something from previous books, you didnt suspect a THING frost

- ok so her name is rook, ill remember that

- wait. Waffle. Waffle that won the contest? WAFFLEPAW????

- Worse than you imagined??? what does THAT mean

- READY AS ILL EVER BE

- cherrfall sus

- Cherryfall?????

- OH MY GOD QUEEN SHIT SUNBEAM HOLY SHIT

- sunbeam u really need to tell someone what youve seen and heard istg

- wow the big reveal nobody saw coming. HEY i DO like the idea though! Frost getting manipulated by her mother and a cat she loved is pretty fun to read, more interesting than nightheart. Even sunbeams pov has been pretty fun. Honestly if night didnt have a pov/wasnt a main character i would love this arc a lot more! And if sun didnt switch clans smh MAKE HER GAY HUNTERS

- ok well. Frostpaw. Dont. Do it. In rc camp??? Do it at a gathering- so EVERYONE knows

- oh my god is she actually gonna do that?? Lets go????

- oh my GOD NO WAY ARE THEY GOING TO VOTE HIM OUT??? TIGERSTAR II IMPEACHMENT????????

- wait dont the medcats have to be w the impeachment squad or am i misremembering

- ok good someone brought it up, but there should be a rule that if the medcat is closely related to leader they should be excused bc of conflict of interest right?

- YESSSS PUDDLESHINE

- uhuh SUREEEEE podlight

- NONONONONONONONONONONONONO

- THATS IT?????? BRUHHHH

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

rant?? idfk pt 2

whoever said highschool is the best years of ur life needs to be kicked in the head by a horse. i mean really i can only think of like 5 ppl that i go to school w that are having an even remotely good time. i mean really im swamped w school work and chores and looking at college and carreers and such i do have a lot of free weekends tho due to my lack of social skills and life. speaking of that i have like insane FOMO for someone whos got fairly bad social anxiety. like everytime i see insta posts from someones hazy house party i desperately wished i was invited but im no good at parties. i stand in the corner or w the pet w my drink and look at my phone w headphones on so i dont get overwhelmed. and thats at family parties so id be even worse at one w ppl idk. still i want an invite. one time this girl i sit next to in my spanish class was telling me abt how she needed someone to bring to a parking lot party to watch ppl drag race and do donuts at 3am on a friday and she kept complaining abt not having anyone to go w and going thru a list of ppl she could invite. she couldve invited me!!! i wouldve at least tried to go tho my house is just abt impossible to sneak out of cause of the alarm but still an invite would be nice. i mean jeez she was kinda rude abt that. life kinda sux at the moment i mean could be worse but could also be a hell of a lot better. been feelling kinda depressed lately it could be that ive been couped up the past few days or that the weathers been so shitty who fucking knows. just been kinda down i need adventure. and maybe some socializing. i plan on seeing my 2 friends on wednesday at the mall so some retail therapy should do me good and i plan on calling my bf sometime this week so hopefullly that should be nice

[imtherainbownow]

I think I need help mentally

I’m warning everyone now, this is a post that will contain dark themes (mostly related to eating and mental issues), if you are sensitive to the topics, I advise you don’t read.

To keep things simple; My life is shit. Mentally at least.

Physically and externally my life couldn’t be more perfect. I have supporting parents. I go to a Great School. I have friends. I’ve got talents that can take me places. Ive got everything lined up for my success.

but mentally I am a disaster. Ive got such bad trauma from authority figures. Im scared to even defy my fucking teachers. Im scared of my aunt because she makes me feel so shitty. My aunt will pop up a lot in this because I see her as the main source of a shit ton of my issues

I cannot read or hear the word scu*c*de without having flashbacks. Even as I type this I’m trying not to hear her damn voice. Just screaming that word at me every time. It’s so loud..

My aunt judges me constantly for the littlest things. Like forgetting to pick up trash, forgetting to say thank you, not remembering if it’s my turn to empty the dishwasher, etc. She’s the main reason why I’ve contemplated going completely mute because she hates it when I talk and makes sure I know.

Recently she’s been nit-picking my eating habits. For almost two years I’ve been struggling to remember to eat at all because my adhd meds reduce my appetite so I just don’t eat lunch. Unfortunately it’s bled into other meals like breakfast and dinner.

Even remembering to eat is an accomplishment for me. In the current moment I don’t care if it’s healthy, I care that I remembered to put food in my body.

About a week ago she grumbled about me not eating “real” food and that I’m the reason we don’t have good snacks in our house. I’m about to cry as I type this. I doubt she thought I could hear her because I had headphones in, but nothing playing. I absolutely heard her.

I’ve told my mother so many times that I want her to move out but my mother won’t do shit. My mother’s been making my eating habits worse cause she won’t let me leave the house without eating at least something, but it’s only been discouraging me from eating. Nowadays even the thought of eating feels slightly sickening. Especially if I’m eating in front of my aunt.

I want nothing to do with her. But she lives with me and I can’t evict her. I’m so sick of this. My anxiety and adhd already make my daily life hard enough during school. And now I’m struggling to even fathom the thought of food because of my aunt. She’s made my life worse and she won’t accept that she can be a problem too. She only ever sees the flaws in me and my twin. Never in herself. I want to fight back but I’m so scared that she’ll yell at me again. That she’ll force me to sit back on the couch and yell in my face. I don’t want to relive that. I don’t know what to do anymore..

I just want help.. and I can’t get it. I don’t want to tell my therapist because he wont believe me. He’s already made it clear I can’t talk to him about my problems with speaking after a sensory overload or panic attack because It’s so exhausting to force myself to talk in a place I don’t feel safe. I don’t think it would be safe to be able to tell him about my problems with eating either. I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. I have no support that I feel comfortable telling about this. Im scared.. scared of my aunt. Scared of what she’ll do if she finds out how much I hate her. My life looks perfect but I am a mess. And I don’t have the power to fix it. If anyone has any advice, any at all, I would be so grateful. I just want help. That’s all really..

[theclockwitch]

It's worse than you think.

I work EMS and let me tell you first off that just having a family does not mean you will get taken care of in your old age. Many many people in assisted livings or Secure Nursing Facilities (SNFs) are basically dumped there by their own children.

And as someone who gets called to these places multiple times a shift, I can tell you it ain't capitalism that's the problem. It's how people are treated in these facilities and no amount of money is going to change the disrespect and neglect that is rampant in every place I am dispatched to.

In the last month I have seen: someone sitting in a shitty diaper for several days. Someone who fell in the dining room, while being observed by aides. No one moved to stop her, and she laid face down on the floor, bleeding from the head, till we got there. Patients who fell but 'not my patient' 'don't know when they fell'. I've been called for cardiac arrest when there was a DNR. I've been called for a cardiac arrest, told there was a DNR but didn't see it, so had to work the pt till it was produced and...there was no DNR, which means they saw this dude go into arrest, and called 911 and then said, eh, he has a DNR so not one of those jackasses did a fucking thing to help this guy they just stood around with their thumbs up their asses until we got there and then tried to ACTIVELY STOP US from starting CPR. I see bruises on the wrists from 'difficult' patients who get tied to their chairs all day. Every single goddam patient in these places is on mood stabilizers because if they're on xannies, they are complacent with the neglect they face on the daily.

Last week I told my medic partner that if he ever saw me as a patient in one of these places, that he had my absolute permission to slam an airbubble into the IV and kill me during transport or smother me with a pillow in the rig. It's that bad. And again, having a family does not protect you from that in the least.

It feels taboo as a childfree person to admit this but I actually do have concerns about who is going to take care of me when I'm old. The elder care system in our nation relies A LOT on the unpaid care labor of adult children. I just don't think that's a good reason to have kids.

"But you'll have more money!" does not completely put this to rest for me. Neither does "Buy care insurance!" Even if I can afford direct personal care, who is going to advocate for me to get it? Who is going to navigate bureaucracy for me when I'm 80?

"If you do have kids, there's no GUARANTEE that they'll take care of you when your old!" That's true, but doesn't solve my problem.

I think childfree people get very defensive about this question because its used as a kind of "gotcha!" against us, but I actually do not feel we can afford to be in denial about this reality. Based on current trends of more people in their 30s stating they intend to be permanently childfree, we are going to see a huge wave of childfree adults hitting the eldercare system at once in a few decades. Childfree people in their 30s should be advocating around eldercare NOW.

[rebellum]

putting this under a cut bc its a depresing vent post and i kinda dont evern wanna post this because it's just putting out more sadness into the world but id also feel weird about deleting it after typing all of this so \i'm just gonna put it unde the cut and warn people to not click if youre already in a bad mood or something

>mum buys me cheese cheese while grocery shopping

>I try some, it smells so weird and almost.. plasticy? like plastic feet? barbie feet cheese? that I cant eat it

>give it to my parents and explain the situation, they're like "sure we'll eat it"

>parents go grocery shopping, buy me cheese like I asked if they could do for me

>mum comes home with 3 blocks of barbie feet cheese, confronts me about it because she's confused

>Remind her of the barbie feet cheese situation and that I had given that cheese to her

>she's mad at me (I still don't really understand why she's mad at me in particular, rather than just frustrated in general) and tells me to just buy my own cheese >I say okay >I feel like a shit kid because I remember that my parents do SO MUCH for me and i feel like shit because I always ask them for more and I know they love me but that their lives would have been SO MUCH EASIER if they didnt have me, or just had another kid that was normal and who was able to move out right after university, who didnt have a specialised diet and who actually did things for themself instead of stay lazily home all the time, remember the meds incident where my options are basically have the meds delivered to me (where, no matter what, I somehow never hear the door, even though i hear the door at other times, meaning my parents have to answer the door and pay for it while I pay them back, inconveniencing them), or have them pick up the meds for me (inconvenient for them), or have my stepdad drive me to pick up my meds (inconcenian for them), or walk to the pharmacy myself and pick them up (which inevitably turns into them picking my meds up for me because for some reason I just dont do it and it means that I end up going a day without my meds)

and i just feel so bad all the time about shit like this but idk what to do because its so hard to get myself to DO stuff and ive improved a lot over the years but its still not enough and i cant even just kill myself because that wouldnt help the sitiation and would just make them sad

i feel like im stuck just being shitty and making the lives of everyone around me worse and any solution is either not feasible because i suck and dont do things, or unfeasible because it would just make other people upset,

and i just want my boyfriend right now but I know he's getting super fed up with how i bring this stuff up like multuple times a week and he's already talked to me about this stuff before so he's getting annoyed at the repeating process

like i just wanna drink (Which i shouldnt do, got into the habit while stressed abotu grad school applications and have started to develop a bit of a dependence on it) and sh (which i shouldnt do because its "bad") but since i cant do either i'm just gonna crawl back into bed with th elights off and cry and nap i guesss

[soqez]

17. December 2024

Ive got no clue how to do fancy text on PC, so this will do. These past two weeks have been so shitty. Didnt have the energy to do anything, including writing here. My school work had been slacking, but at least its all done. Only a week left, well three days until Christmas break.

It was so shitty i indeed didnt even go to the gym consistently. I think it might be the fact that its that bad time of my cycle, women know. That week or two before your period. Ive realized that there's truly only one good week in my month. That week I feel unstoppable, the rest makes me feel mentally retarded.

As christmas is approaching, i feel worse and worse about myself. What a waste of space to be honest. I bought each of my family members a single gift, as it was all I could afford. Currently under the tree there are like fifteen gifts, and 10 of them are to me. Why? Makes me feel like a pretty shitty daughter and sister. At my age I don't have a job yet, I've never had a job. Throughout this past year I've applied to id say thirty different workplaces, some multiple times, yet I keep getting rejected. Its not even me getting rejected, its me not even getting a response.

Are these grocery stores and fast food places really that full of employees? Or am I just that undesirable. It must be that kids my age have connections right? They know someone who knows someone etc. I know zero people. Obviously that might be my own fault but how do they do it? I feel like the biggest outcast you can be. All my efforts to be normal and fit in haven't worked, and now I'm turning eighteen. Im a literal incel. I haven't gotten a job, I have no friends, I don't have a license, I lurk in extremist forums, I'm undesirable and I'm ugly. Lovely !

All my problems are obviously so not important, but I just have no clue on how to change. Ive tried to change, I've tried to talk to people but I don't budge. I cant be someone I'm not, it just doesn't click. I want life to click for me so bad like it has for everyone else. I don't know what other people have that I don't. Im so socially behind I might as well just rope.

The older I get the worse it gets. Im not mentally ill, I'm not sad or depressed or anything. Im a very happy person and I love life, I'm just confused on why my life is so different to everyone else's.

Im going to the gym now

S

[w0ndrlvst]

i just had to cancel upcoming plans with friends because of personal shit, but this triggered me to kinda just...dump what ive been feeling into a public post. id usually go into an empty park and scream as loud as i can when im feeling this upset, but i think airing my grievances out onto a public social media platform is the best equivalent. its like we're all screaming into the void together!!!!!

anyways, venting below the cut.

im not going into specifics as to protect my irl identity, its going to be two years since i dropped out of school originally and ever since then ive been incredibly sick both mentally and physically. i can barely eat; i get full easily and some days i feel like ill throw up if i eat regardless of how small the portion is. my medicine is an apetite surpresant so that makes it even harder to eat as well. im constantly tired, ive lost so much weight, have no energy, my memory has gotten worse and worse...its just been so fucking awful. im seeing a doctor this week but im not optimistic that she'll help given how shit the medical system is in the states.

this alone is a lot but i have to live with a very dysfunctional family dynamic and attend college classes at the same time all while balancing a social life. i never truly got to rest when i took my gap year because my parents hounded me to apply for jobs, learn to drive, find a school to attend for the next spring; even though i needed to just STOP and not do anything just for a little bit. however, in their eyes it was seen as me 'giving up' and 'not trying hard enough,' so i never had the time to recollect myself. i never felt like i ever had a chance to rest. even now i am always working towards having to accomplish a responsibility and i never have time to take care of myself.

to add the cherry to the already shit sundae, theres just...external world issues that have me perpetually worried for my own future and the future of my peers. i dont think i need to go into detail about that.

yeah, thats kinda how ive been the past two years. pretty shitty. and i wouldn't be surprised if you're also feeling shitty too. its all been kinda shit. nevertheless, we persist. i dont doubt we'll seek better days, and that maybe in due time something magical will happen and we'll all finally start to feel better, but goddamn has it been a tough battle recently.

[happinessisbeyondmylevel]

with the rise of the "gen z doesnt want to work" bullshit I wnat to share my experience from this summer

i had a job for the first 2 weeks of june and was promised a position until august/until my college schedule came in. it was a shitty sales assistant job where the pos was older than i was. a maual input bullshut till. i git sent a pdf on whatsapp saying i "lacked skills" and had to hound the owners down via text to find out i was too slow to 1) man a till 2) label products and 3) put them out

how i got this job was strange and very quick. i applied on indeed on a random thursday. an hour later i got an sms saying "this is X from y store that you applied to. i have some questions" I happily answered bc well ive been searching for over 2 years now for something. i had no big aspirations for this place. i needed money, had a tuition and €10k loan to pay off so i happily answered. said that i'd be a 10 minute drive away or a 30 min bus ride, that college would be once a week next year, had no other commitments other than work during the summer

all seemed fine and we arranged a video call for teh following evening. this was the first time i'd seen than and the only time i ever would, and even then a light was shining from behind them so i couldnt see their features very well. they said they'd let me know asap and taht was that. true to their word I was let know very quickly I'd start the following thursday to when I'd applied.

i put everything i could into that minimum wage job. got paid in cash every monday (in an envelope in an unlocked filing cabinet). everything was so old fashioned. the breakroom was a (bathroom) sink, an empty cardboard box and a kettle.

i wont say i wasnt slow. but i was thrown in with minimum experience and 2 weeks in was given the worse termination i could imagine, on a monday, on the bus home and with an entire 7 days of work ahead. I had to go in every damn day thinking "im worth nothing to this lot why am i even here" i felt sick every damn time.

i still pulled my weight, bc again, the owners were not on site, and the others didnt deserve that, even if one did sell me out

i left silently sunday, I had lied and told the owner i had found something else and to not put me on next weeks roster. silently collected my money from the back the day after and went home

we want to work, but youre all expecting too much. 2 of my coworkers were the same age as me, had been working since doing their leaving cert (2 years) and ofc were quick as fuck. If id been given another week i know i would have been there with them, but I wasnt given a chance and so I just didnt even bother. they didnt show their faces to me and i wasnt throwing out my back for them a 3rd time. i fucked up my entire body for them bc they lacked everything to keep us safe

I dont know why employers are labeling us as lazy when they dont give us a chance. im starting to abide by "minimum wage requires minimum effort" going forward