soqez

[soqez]

31. December 2024

Last day of the year. What an uneventful year.

I cant tell if im growing up or if I'm just genuinely this unbothered about everything. You could say I feel deeply based off of my diary, but I only really write when I have something on my mind that i feel like i need to get out. In general though i don't actually care that much about what happens. I mean i could try to name the events of this year and how i felt about them.

January 2024; nothing happened. No feelings really

February; i started the gym seriously. During February I was pretty happy I think.

March; nothing happened

April; i studied/had my exams, pretty chill, uneventful

May; had a class trip to the capital for two or three days. I felt alone as I literally had no one to hang out with 10h+ away from home. While everyone went shopping, ate nice food, etc I tried to waste my time walking the same route I had learnt around the city all day. I went into a couple shops to "look around". I sat on the benches in the park looking at the birds. Was humiliating, embarrassing, lonely, confusing.

June; nothing

July; summer break. I stayed home alone while my family went o vacation. I spent all summer at the gym, though I wouldn't say I was happy. I was content and in peace but at the same time I was alone and confused. It was a rough time between me and my ex, constant arguments, uncontrollable crying, etc. Everyone around me had friends to spend their summers with. Sure I could go out alone, do stuff by myself, but very obviously in the corner of my eye everyone had their people. Looking around I barley saw people alone, always pairs or groups. Again, humiliating. I think you can imagine how it was a month all alone, the only people I talked to was my ex. Whom I btw was dating online.

Im too tired to write the rest, I'm not in the best mood. Its 11pm, my 14 year old sister is out with her friends and so is everyone my age. Im sitting all alone at home playing Minecraft.

My life is just humiliating at this point

S

[soqez]

24. December 2024

To whoever finds these, i hope youve realized I have no structure to these. I write to ramble and set my mind free. Its now winter break and I'm pretty happy, I guess. I spend my days at the gym and at home rotting away. No parties no nothing :) just me and my family.

Theme for today is looks.

Im not bad looking, though im not good looking either. On social media I fraud like crazy, no filters or editing just angles and lightning. Ive been talking to this guy, and he's pretty interested in me. Hes like saying lala I wanna see more of you you're so fascinating etc, you're mysterious. But I genuinely despise myself, like yea I have my good angles, but I will never look as effortlessly pretty like those other girls. It seems like every single girl on social media is just pretty without trying, they woke up ethereal, everyone wants to look like them.

I unfortunatley do not posess that kind of beauty. My beauty is non existent, if anything I only appeal to incels who haven't felt the touch of another woman in decades. Its not like I care about what my future bf looks like, I just want everyone to like me. Like those girls.

I get attention online, when im frauded or barely show myself, but show my personality. But in real life I've never been approached, no guy irl has ever talked to me. My most serious relationship was online, what a loser lol

I just wanna be loved for me, I know people like me. But in the real world to be liked, your looks should also be. Looks are everything, looks matter more than anything else. Looks matter wether you're a female or a man

S

[soqez]

17. December 2024

Ive got no clue how to do fancy text on PC, so this will do. These past two weeks have been so shitty. Didnt have the energy to do anything, including writing here. My school work had been slacking, but at least its all done. Only a week left, well three days until Christmas break.

It was so shitty i indeed didnt even go to the gym consistently. I think it might be the fact that its that bad time of my cycle, women know. That week or two before your period. Ive realized that there's truly only one good week in my month. That week I feel unstoppable, the rest makes me feel mentally retarded.

As christmas is approaching, i feel worse and worse about myself. What a waste of space to be honest. I bought each of my family members a single gift, as it was all I could afford. Currently under the tree there are like fifteen gifts, and 10 of them are to me. Why? Makes me feel like a pretty shitty daughter and sister. At my age I don't have a job yet, I've never had a job. Throughout this past year I've applied to id say thirty different workplaces, some multiple times, yet I keep getting rejected. Its not even me getting rejected, its me not even getting a response.

Are these grocery stores and fast food places really that full of employees? Or am I just that undesirable. It must be that kids my age have connections right? They know someone who knows someone etc. I know zero people. Obviously that might be my own fault but how do they do it? I feel like the biggest outcast you can be. All my efforts to be normal and fit in haven't worked, and now I'm turning eighteen. Im a literal incel. I haven't gotten a job, I have no friends, I don't have a license, I lurk in extremist forums, I'm undesirable and I'm ugly. Lovely !

All my problems are obviously so not important, but I just have no clue on how to change. Ive tried to change, I've tried to talk to people but I don't budge. I cant be someone I'm not, it just doesn't click. I want life to click for me so bad like it has for everyone else. I don't know what other people have that I don't. Im so socially behind I might as well just rope.

The older I get the worse it gets. Im not mentally ill, I'm not sad or depressed or anything. Im a very happy person and I love life, I'm just confused on why my life is so different to everyone else's.

Im going to the gym now

S

[soqez]

Monday, 2nd December 2024

I would classify today as a good day. Woke up later than usual because class started an hour later. Was still pretty tired though. Didnt do anthing at school, we have a new group project and i got put in a retarded ass group. Genuienly the kind of people who have no social awarness and probably had their parents drink during pregnancy. I didnt talk to them at all, hope it all falls into place itself once the deadline arrives.

I was looking forward to the gym the entire day. It was an okay session. Went hard but the weight hasnt gone up since last time :(

My day out ended at 6.30pm. By the time i was home i played some fortnite again and now bedtime.

S

[soqez]

Sunday, 1st December 2024

Im thinking about my ex a lot again. Its been a month since we last spoke now. It feels surreal that we dont talk everyday, hes not mine, im not his, hes living his life day to day without me knowing what hes up to, how hes feeling, or what he wants for christmas. I genuienly dont have the ability to cry right now. Rather im just empty. Thats the best way to describe it. I miss my bf, i miss talking to someone, i miss expressing my love for him, i miss him.

Before the unexpected break up, i had plans on what halloween movies we were gonna watch together. We never ended up getting to halloween. Now im thinking about christmas movies. I cant watch them alone without thinking about him. A year ago at this time, we wouldve fallen asleep to movies together. We wouldve started shopping for gifts together. I would be excited for the snow whilst he complained his bike rides would be messy.

Anything i do daily, reminds me of him. That constant reminder that were not one anymore. Im on my own now. I hate it.

I keep debating myself on wether i should message him sometime, maybe try again. The love we had, the hardships we got through.

But on the other hand i think to myself that i need him gone. Hes no longer mine, and never will be. We were never supposed to work out. We are two different people.

If i was given the chance to get back with him right now, i wouldnt. Not with who he is now. I think i may have an image of him in my head which does not fit him. The him in the beginning, the him but with his biggest flaws fixed.

I hate not knowing. I hate being a control freak. I hate myself for not being okay with unknown. I ruined the relationship because im a bad person. I truly think i will never find my people. Every single person i find ends up leaving. Wether its friendship or romantic interests they never stay longer than a year. I dont know whats wrong with me.

I spend all this time alone, thinking, analyzing myself and my soul, yet i dont know why others arent interested in me. Whats wrong with me. My own family doesnt like me and i dont know what im doing wrong

I just feel so out of place in society, i dont fit into any communities, friend groups, school, gym, family, internet etc. I try to convince myself im happy and content alone, just like this. But at the end of the day i always remember no one likes my presence. No one likes me

S

[soqez]

Friday, 29th November

Pure nothingness.

Slept through alarm, woke up at 10am. My bus leaves at 6.30am. So i skipped school today, instead i spent my day cleaning the house and making food.

Played fortnite again.

Now its 01.22am. Somehow not tired, but i need to go sleep soon. I have the gym tomorrow, and im pretty sure the bus leaves at 9am.

S

[soqez]

Wednesday, 27th November

Boring day.

Woke up at 7am and headed to the doctors office to embarassingly get my absences approved. Was 2h late to class, so only had 1h left of it. Unfortunatley i couldnt control myself and spent $10 on a salad and water. I cant save money for the life of me.

Spanish class was cancelled because my teacher had business to attend with her kid or something. Went home early, got home at about 2pm.

I honestly played fortnite with my sister for the entire day. Took a shower, ate some food and played again. I used to be obsessed with fortnite about 3-4 years ago. Back then i became friends with a guy, and i obviously havent played fortnite in 2~ years. So we played with him. Was pretty nostaligic (idk if thats how you spell it) and fun.

Its 10.30pm now, very late by my standards. I shouldve gone to bed way earlier. Tomorrow is a loooong day, but theres the gym at the end of it :) Fb day tomorrow, excited.

S

[soqez]

Tuesday, 26th November 2024

Today was a mediocre day. Woke up at 4am. Went to the gym. It was upper day yippiii, i love upper body days. Pretty damn nice progression on bb rows. Put on 5kg more today and did it with ease. I was stuck at the same weight for a month id say.

I then went to school at about 8.30, had my speech at 12.45 so i had tons of time to memorize. It went okay. Teacher said my speech was good, a little long, but the knowledge after the speech. The conversation, brought me down. I wasnt in the best mood therefore i kind of slacked. Thats my fault. Eitherway, the grade was better than i expected.

Came home, made lasagna for the family, played some fort and now gonna shower and sleep. Im getting tired at 7-8pm nowadays. No boyfriend to talk to, no fun games to play anymore. At least i like the gym :) its my favourite part of the day now. I dont look towards rest days, even thoughh they are the most important part of the gym. Unfortunatley tomorrow is a rest day. But i have a drs appointment tomorrow morning. Gonna get all my absent days removed, and fixed finally.

S

[soqez]

Monday, 25th November 2024

Today was a neutral ish day. I woke up at 4am, went to the gym. It was lower body day, not my favourite. Ive been progressing nicely in the gym. I remember a couple weeks ago i failed a 80kg RDL. Now i do 80kg-85kg SLDLs for reps. I did 85kg SLDLs for 6 reps today. Im proud of that.

I then went to school and had a law presentation to do, together with 2 other girls from my law class. We did pretty good for our first law presentation. I told them we did good once we walked out of the classroom, and i got ignored. They looked at me and kept walking. Wasnt a pleasant moment, but not unexpected.

At that point it was 9am, and i went to buy a winter jacket ive had my eye on. I bought it and was given a discount of $20. Pleased with that too. After that ive been rotting.

I usually dont have class on tuesdays, but i have a speech i need to do tomorrow as my teacher postponed it. Im not too upset about that though, the gym will be easier then. Its upper day tomorrow. My favourite. Though sometimes i doubt myself knowing a lot of guys arent attracted to overly muscly girls. I wouldnt say i am, but where im headed towards is. My ex wasnt fond of the bulky thing. I remember i would send him progress pictures. If it was my glutes or legs, hed be happy and cheer me on for having those muscular features. When it was my arms or shoulders hed be more hesitant. Thats kind of stuck with me for some reason. I might not look attractive to a lot of guys, but i feel good like this. Maybe theres guys out there who appreciate muscle as well. At least i hope so.

Its not the end of the day yet, its 6pm. But im struggling to memorize my speech. Its so annoying, i hate it. A little unsure what to do. I wanna sleep.

S

[soqez]

Im a little unsure how tumblr works, but im sure ill figure it out as time passes. I made this account as a diary, as a place where i can vomit out my thoughts, as i dont have anyone. I only talk to my mom and my sister, if they even want to that day.

I am 17, have no friends, like cars, like bodybuilding and powerlifting, have no future plans, and have pretty big dreams.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. He was the only person i talked to, and i feel pretty empty without him. Its been a month now, and its gotten better but the loneliness has just gotten worse. Everyday i realize im a complete loser. At school i usually just sit in my corner and mindlessly look at my phone. After school im at the gym and cant help but notice how every girl is there with her friend. It seems as if everyone around me has found a person, and i havent. When i say i have no friends, i dont mean it in the way where i sometimes talk to someone at school, or on the internet etc. I mean i actually have not a soul that doesnt have my last name. And im unsure why. Im not shy, neither am i introverted.

When i started high school, i talked to a girl on the first day. I think we talked for 10mins and then she wanted me to hang out with her group of friends during break etc. No one talked to me during that time. She never talked to me again either. By day 3 of high school i was once again all alone. Just how i was during middle school. It wasnt like i didnt try to speak to them, i did try. Yet they gave me that certain look. Unsure how to explain, very negative, judgemental. So i backed away and gave them their space. Everyone else in my class is like that, very closed off. Everyone has their people like i said. And i think ill stay alone for the rest of time.

Thats besides the point, this is my diary and im gonna post thoughts, gym updates, rants, vents whatever.

S