#ive been crying for days now
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It's been almost a week and I can't stop thinking about this
That which inspires us to our greatest good is also the cause of our greatest evil. (Arcane | 2x06)
#arcaneedit#arcane#arcane spoilers#arcane s2#arcane s2 spoilers#isha#isha arcane#arcane isha#i'm not going to recover from this ever#this killed me#ive been crying for days now#little angel#rip
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if we could stay connected, just like this
#ok last orbit niigo post im emubrained again and also i miss leoneed#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#mizuki5 spoilers#proseka#mizuki akiyama#mizu5#nightcord at 25:00#hurray !#meltdown released an amazing translation of the event so i read it and had my final cathartic transgender cry about it#and now i have ~4 assignments due on friday so i have to stop drawing mizuki. sad.#i recommend everyone watch meltdown's translation#please. its very good and better than the mtls floating around#i Get why people wanted to see it translated asap like i Get it i didnt understand half of the wordplay or kanji but like . wah#its so crazy how this event breached containment n how many people are rooting for mizuki even tho they dont play the game so i just#think its a shame that the translation everyones reading isnt really accurate/lacks the nuances.. Ok sorrynits a good event.#ive just been thinking abiut that for a few days and i love talking in tags. Adios#real Orbit heads will know this is an Heartorbit reference (that tarot card sketch i did almost 2 years ago and said i would finish)#(i havent finished shit)
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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Home is where I want to be, but I guess I'm already there
I come home, she lifted up her wings. I guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another—Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time before we were born
If someone asks, this where I'll be
Where I'll be
#brokeback mountain#ennis del mar#jack twist#heath ledger#jake gyllenhaal#annie proulx#ang lee#cowboys#gay cowboys#cowboy#gay cowboy#gay#mlm#queer cinema#queer lit#hey...hi...hello...#i actually dont just talk about brokeback mountain all day long contrary to popular belief. sometimes i also make art#i actually started this back in december for bbm's anniversary and in that time i discovered i have a new adversary:#drawing grass#but it's finished... it's finished... i can rest easy now knowing that ive finished this art that has singlehandedly killed my creativity#the art that i have been screaming shitting crying about struggling with for 7 months now#which will only get like 9 notes max#but that's OKAY. i did this for me. i needed to be the change i wanted to see in the world(seeing ennis looking at jack like he's the sun)#my art#still brokeback posting
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doodled them 10 minutes before my final exam in field methods class…
#jarvis cocker#kylie minogue#wip#my art#life update ->#my cat dorian passed away last night and my grandmother is in the ICU in critical condition right now#and i still had to take my final exam in field methods#but i didn’t study at all bc u know ive been pacing around my home like a ghost and crying myself to sleep u know how it is#guess what i got during my finals#85%!!!!!!! with puffy eyes and constant grief#and i was like using every piece of stock knowledge and common sense i had#it’s pretty much the worst day of my life right now but that’s okay#hope everyone is well
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.Aventurine. Aventurine. Boy wh y
#★ arin rambles#★ my art#my best friend finished aventurines boss in 1 try#(i was stuck so i never knew what happened after)#wish she never did#im filled with so much sorrow#THE NOTE. THE NOTE THE NOTE THE NOTE#HE. CARES HE CARES SO M#IM DOOMED#IM TOO LITTLE FOR ALL THIS SADNESS#SO MUCH . TEARS . TOO MANY SAD. WHY. WHYYY MEEEE#The note……… Im never ever gonna drop this ever#Aventurine’s story will haunt me forever#(affectionately)#so good….. but like in a painful way. Like ive been crying for 3 days now#today was the worst offense. MY HEAD HURTS STILL#SAVE ME FROM THIS NIGHTMARE CALLED escape penacony obby!#ill stop rambling now . I need . Rest. Or a ratiorine overdose whichever i find first#i hope my best friends dont see these tags they’ll think im pathetic#And i am. But nobody has to know that#THE NOTE— Okay fine ill stop ILL STOP#hsr penacony spoilers#hsr penacony#penacony#dr ratio x aventurine#dr ratio#aventurine x dr ratio#aventio#ratiorine#hsr aventurine
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bros do NOT watch the latest episod e of dandadan if you saw your dead parent in a dream last night and felt kinda somber about it all day and are also moments away from getting your period you will HAVE to do somatic exercises to recover from it
#And i never cry at shows either cus im too coldhearted and obsessed w my composure but i fucking cryedddd#i crew#Also got pretty choked up at work earlier when Bridge Over Troubled Water came on the radio cus my dad loved simon and garfield and that was#always one of my go-to songs to feel close to him#it was strange timing too cus every day ive worked so far they jhst play xmas music but today it just came on while i was alone in an aisle#and i was like Oh.... if i was at the cash register right now i wouldnt of been able to even hear it but im right here..#Now im kinda craving to listen to it again and cry more LOL
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guys guys guys im losing my mind over episode 9 of the new season and i have nobody to even talk to guys guys guys GUYS
(MAJOR SPOILERS IN TAGS)
#scissor seven#s7#cike wu liuqi#killer seven#donghua#wdym the bald guy was like oh she was supposed to kill you#and seven said nope she loved me she wanted me to have a new chance at life#AND ALSO THE WAY HE LEFT HIS TOKEN IN FRONT HER GRAVE SO HIS PAST SELF COULD BE W HER FOREVER????#AND THE WAY KILLER SEVEN IMMEDIATELY LOST ALL TENDENCIES OF MURDER ONCE HE REALISED SHE ACTUALLY LOVED HIM#HES LIKE A LOST PUPPY HELP#(yes im referring to the girl in white as “her” cause even now we still dont know her name like wtf)#BUT ANYWAYS IM CRYING IVE WAITED FOR THIS DAY SINCE 2018#okay now im thinking back to the first ep where killer seven was alone in a room and the key was the girl in white’s sword#but when seven came in the space turned white and k7 was so disappointed when he saw that it was only himself and not her#for 2 years he’s been alone in his memories and wondering what he ever did wrong to make her betray him 😭
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so has anyone figured out WHY there is the Need To Share our Artworks™ or is it just the vibes and our Soul apparently
#ive been running on “two cakes. u aren't BOTHERING people by putting art on their feed they can scroll past it/if they dont they get ”cake“”#and we love “cake”#“cake” is picture on the internet in this case#like okay the contracts and transaction format is a me problem!! i need to get rid of the “utilitarian brain worms” bc they're boring#this is supposed to be a hobby and the “get a good grade in hobby” wolf in the brain is just crying bc that's how they understand the world#the “get a good grade in x” wolf has valid pain but needs to stop controlling my life because they don't need to earn “enough value to live”#ect ect ect#and the life of minmaxxed utility is a life of trying to appeal to a “correct” that doesn't exist yaddi yadda = boring#i love you wolf. also shut up. affectionate. concerned. you get it#ok so we remove tangible purpose from act of experience art because THAT'S not “the point”#because “the point” is the joy killer eccetera ecc#but then what? “here check out this labor of love. i drew this fucker 15 times. no there's no story* there it's just a guy”#*story in this case being an emotional engagement/a situation/a context in which to ponder/other#so it's just a Draw. no further analysis. what do others Get from that?#i know i deeply enjoy art because im a fan of the process of People Making Stuff. i love when there was nothing but now there's something!!!#THAT'S what's it all about!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to me!!!! right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#so it stands to reason that creation is purpose enough?? to be experienced???? to be known????????#idk!!#this is a nothing burger of a thought people have always liked picture on the internet stfu maiora there doesn't need to be a reason#this is just the brainworms talking!!! because god forbid “something not have a purpose”??? blegh!!!!!!!!#sounds like unhealthy rationalizing instead of letting things be out of The Fear™!!sounds like depraving urself from joy bc of BRAINWORMS!!!#so like!!!!! picture on the internet doesn't NEED inherent value. creation is enough!! (plus there's the Attachment to Character. also.)#but then why are YOU *points at you* here? gen q!!#i made an image you like and now you are reading my word babble in some tags!!! what's THAT all about???????????#it's INTERESTING!! do you see what im trying to get at??#is it empathy??? person made something other saw something other made- other2other connection???? intrigue????????#.......all this is probably explained in some book or yt essay somewhere. oh well.#in the meantime thank you for your time! we can pretend we were stuck in an elevator together and then i started rambling#i hope you have a great rest of your day thanks for stopping by!! <3#maiora garrulates
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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0urple guy
#ive been listening to godan f naf speedruns for boredom sake and. im so sorry celvie youre 0urple guy now#you can also just go snatcher which is less cringe#thinking of napping bc crying tired the shit out of me but also ough#i gotta stay up till midnight today and like#i gotta print out forms for my surgery#hopefully this will be good post surgery to render#its called rendering hair for three days and then doing everything else in one#if no one else enters the event ill also have to do two art trades (not a problem i just gotta take it into account)#shiko speaks#ignore my yapping in the tags im tired
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#ok so i guess this is going to be exactly like a few months ago#where i knew i wanted my surgery but my parents reactions had me crying and seesawing thru my emotions every single day#literally yesterday i was resigned to staying here forever now today im calm and thinking maybe i could and should leave.#<- knowing that ill probably be crying again tomorrow.#dont ever put me in a situation etc etc#im sorry u guys ill make sure to employ the no-personal-posting-after-12-am rule again to ease the insanity on ur dash LOL#i hate that ive already had this much stress put upon me when nothing has even been confirmed. at all.
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...
#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time#chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed#away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all#things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get#to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just#miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im#crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the#same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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originnssssss who remembers origins i Loved origins
#origins smp#i heard theres been like three failed origins revivals WHAT EVEN HAPPENED i was only there for the first one😅#beeduo#otubbo#oranboo#beeduo fanart#i rewatched some origins streams a little while ago oh my god theyre SO FUNNY#DUDE DOES ANUONE REMMEBER THAT ONE STREAM I COUDLNT FIND RHIS ONE STREAM#IR WAS LIKE THE ONE WHERE TUBBO WAS SINGING SUGAR BY MAROON FIVE and they were being really Funny thay shit h#ad me CRYING in 2021 Please i swear this happened imnot crazy but also they might have been separate streams actuallu i dont rememebr its#been wayyyyyyy too long#BUT IT HAPPENED I PROMISE Sorry i've been gone for a while ive been very busy lots of Things going on went to Six flags then jad a surprise#bday party then i had to buy shoes for prom then Go to prom and also i do figure skating and am out like every day idknt have Time im sorry☹#had a crepe yesterday it was sooooo goood im like learning to drive too that shit is boring as hell my dad kept gettign 😑 bc i couldn't stop#yawning DRIVING IS SO BORING its not my fault😭😭😭😭#ok what else ohhhh. y god i locked in SO HARD for this physics essay u guys dont even knowim getting ONE HUNDRED on that trust i just really#wanted to share ok i love you bge#WAIT ACTUALLT SORRU IM LIKE REMMEBERJNG THE ORIGINS STREAMS K WAYCHED#RANBOO WAS SO FUCKING FUNNT IN THOSE STREAMS TOO LIKE I REMEMBER NIKI WANTED TO SEE THEIR BASE and tubbo was like ooh maybe we can put like#water down here for you niki we need a water system and ranwas like Do we though?I WAD WAYCHING THAT .LIKE DAMMMNNNNNN OM LIKE GIGGLING WRIT#ING THIS RIGHT NOW I CAN HEARTHE CLIP HE DID NOTTT WANT HER IJNTHEIR BASE😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#I NEED TO FIDN THAT STREAM WHERE IRS LIKE TOMMY AND JACK A D FHEHRE LOKE TALKING ABOUT DUOS AND THEN JACK SAYS THE MOST OUT OF POCKET SHIT I#VE EVER HEARD LKKE I LITERALLU HAD TK PAUSE. H PHONE AND BURST OUR LAUHJIMG MY JAW WAS ON THE FLOORRRRR DO U GUYS R EME ER WTF IM TLAKING AB#OUT IDK HOW TO FIND THESE STREAMS Oh my god u really Had to be there early 2021 that was liye the funniest era of mt life i wlild be#Tearing up from lauhjimg every day I MISS WAYCHING STREAMS LIVE CHAT WAS SO FUNNY I wishe it was archivedI WISH MORE STREAMERS KEPT CHAT ON#SCREEN i defiently understand why most didn't like Wyd when chats annouing ad hell but also Me 3 years later is interested in what the pub#lic had to say.... ok Now bye
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I love Gordon the Big Engine and his 5 children. I won't stop spreading my dad gordon propaganda. Look at him. Look at his relationship with James, Philip and Rebecca. Those are his kids. I've been yelling about this since I entered this fandom I will continue to scream it.
#hes such a dad i cant it makes me insane#ive been saying this since day 1. dad gordon supremely#have you SEEN how soft he was with rebecca in Rebecca coming through? thats his DAUGHTERRRRR#and and how James imitates his whistle in TAB and it makes me fucking insane#James imitates Gordon so much both in personality and mannerisms#and Philip literally looked at Gordon and went thats my dad now. Gordon didnt have a choice. philip LATCHED onto him#and Gordon is so proud of him and concerned about him when he stops him on the line cause sheep im going to cry#adding an entire section to my non existent gordon essay about how hes a dad
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