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lemonpeter · 3 years ago

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🧡Day 1: Inc*st🧡

Really starting off strong huh lol anyway, this is very background heavy (I don’t know what happened but now I’m obsessed) and I hope y’all enjoy 🧡

Warnings: inc*st, nff, father/son (but they don’t know), Peter is 18 and an intern at SI, brief substance ab*se mention (and impaired s*x, not between starker)

***

Tony never wanted kids. The thought of someone depending on him in such a way made him feel sick. So he always did all that he could to ensure nothing would happen.

There was always room for accident, though.

***

Tony never wanted kids. The thought of someone depending on him in such a way made him feel sick. So he always did all that he could to ensure nothing would happen.

He never had sex without multiple levels of protection. And he was famous enough that people rarely tried to argue against it. Sleeping with him at all fulfilled what they wanted.

So things were perfectly fine. He never had an issue, he was always completely safe with his partners.

Except for this one night.

He was in a self-destructive episode, in the downward spiral before he hit rock bottom. Mixed every possible substance that shouldn’t have been mixed, impairing him until he wasn’t sure which way was up.

And he had a woman spiraling right along with him.

Her name was…Mary. Mary something. She was a scientist in some field, but he didn’t catch anything else. Or he just didn’t remember it. It didn’t matter anyways, they were both just wanting to ignore what was around them. What their lives had served them.

And maybe he forgot to ask if she was on birth control when he sloppily kissed over her neck.

Maybe he fumbled with the condom to the point where she whispered, “We’ll be fine,” and he believed her.

How it happened didn’t matter. All that mattered was that it did.

Tony didn’t even know.

He didn’t ask for her number the next morning, he just hid out in the bathroom, emptying his stomach of its entire contents while he waited for her to leave.

She was gone by the time he could see straight.

Thank god.

He never heard from her again.

Mary Parker and her husband died six years later and he never knew.

He didn’t know that they had a son. Or she did, at least. There was no way for him to know that the son had been passed along to his aunt and uncle when no other relative was found.

He never knew that Mary Parker had a son. And that her husband wasn’t the one who got her pregnant.

She never crossed his mind again after she left him.

***

Enter Peter.

Tony had new interns come in every year, typically college students that needed the credits, but sometimes someone special would come along.

Peter was a high school senior, but he was one of the smartest people that Tony had ever come across.

Tony had a job lined up for him as soon as he graduated if he wanted it. Not that he’d told him that yet.

He swore that he wasn’t a stalker. He had to prove to Pepper that he wasn’t giving too much attention to one intern over another, and for him that meant that he needed to stay away from Peter personally.

No matter how tempting it was. There had to be a family history of such genius, right? That kind of brains didn’t just occur at random.

But he didn’t look into him at all. He wouldn’t even let himself google search his name.

Oh, but he wanted to. He wanted to know everything there was to know about Peter Parker.

Although maybe he could just do it the old fashioned way. Minimal favoritism involved.

He spent months working with Peter. They became friends. Close friends.

It got to the point where Tony couldn’t help the smile he had when he looked into those warm brown eyes.

He felt it happen, it was official. Peter Parker had his heart.

It didn’t matter how wrong it was, he couldn’t help it. The young man had completely gotten hold of him.

And he hoped that it was mutual.

***

“Peter, can you stay back for a second?” Tony was still standing at the lab table, eyes scanning over the coding that they’d put in place during the session.

Like that was actually what was on his mind.

The young man looked up with wide eyes. Very deer-in-headlights. But it was so cute on him.

“Y-yeah! I actually needed to tell you something, so yes, I can definitely do that.”

Peter sounded a bit nervous which made Tony pause. Maybe his confession could wait a while. Maybe forever. Whatever was on Peter’s mind was infinitely more important to him.

“Okay, you first. I can follow up.” Tony tucked his hands into his pockets, leaning back against the table.

His cheeks burned. “No- no, you can go first. Don’t worry.”

The older man let out a breath. “Peter, you say what you need to. I can wait.”

Peter looked at him, face flushed. He hadn’t really meant to blurt out that he had something to say. He’d thought about it, sure. But he didn’t know-

His brain couldn’t keep up with his body and suddenly he was leaning up, pressing his lips to Tony’s.

The older man froze. It wasn’t what he’d expected at all. But then he relaxed into it, kissing back.

Who knew that they both had the same confession?

But it wasn’t supposed to be happening.

Tony pulled away once he finally got control of his senses again, raking a hand through his hair. “Pete, I’m supposed to be the adult here. I can’t be a good role model if I’m….”

When was he ever a good role model?

“Let me start again. I’m an adult. Kid, I’m old. Old enough to be your dad. And you’re…how old?”

“I turned eighteen in august,” he supplied helpfully.

At least it was legal.

“Eighteen. That’s a thirty year age difference.” Jesus, he was creepy. Falling for an eighteen year old. He couldn’t even buy alcohol for himself.

Peter blinked up at him. “So? I like you, Mr. Stark. I don’t care how old you are.”

Tony sighed softly. “You’re gonna be the death of me. And it’s Tony. If this is what’s happening, call me Tony.”

Even though it had been his plan to confess his feelings anyway, the guilt was still eating at him. He had fallen for a teenager who was just barely legal.

“What is happening, Mr.- Tony?”

Tony leaned in for another kiss, sighing softly. “What do you want to happen, kid?”

“Oh. Well, um, not to be blunt, but- I just- I mean- I really want you.”

He was cute. Innocent. But Tony could tell that what he meant was a bit less innocent.

“Are you sure? You realize this is a bad idea on...a lot of levels, right?”

Peter huffed softly, looking up at him with a stubborn expression. “I don’t care. We can be sneaky.”

Tony snorted. ‘Sneaky’ wasn’t really how he’d describe it, but he had to remind himself that his terms were a lot different than Peter’s. Different generations and all that.

He was horrible.

“Okay, kid. We can take this upstairs-” where there was no one to walk in on them. “-and talk about what exactly you’re thinking.”

“How about we don’t talk about it and we just...do?” Peter gave him a shy, devious smile.

“Uh huh. We’ll see.”

Tony grabbed his wrist gently, glancing in the hallway to make sure that no one was coming before he dragged him to the elevator.

Before he could get another word out, Peter’s lips were on his again. And this time there was more heat behind it.

He kissed back, eyes slipping shut just as the elevator doors did. Their lips pushed together insistently and he felt Peter’s tongue clumsily swiping over his lip.

He suppressed a laugh and parted his lips, allowing Peter to lead.

It was all so curious and clumsy that he wondered just how many times Peter had ever kissed anyone. If any. But that was a question for later.

The elevator dinged softly when they reached the penthouse and only then did they pull away from each other.

Tony led Peter out, instantly heading for his bedroom. Bad idea or no, he’d imagined such a scenario so many times. He didn’t want to waste any time.

“Tony?” Peter spoke up, eyes on the bed. “I know this is really straightforward, but I’m glad you, like, don’t hate me. I’ve thought about this...a lot.”

“You and me both,” the older man murmured. “Something I feel like we should cover before anything else...how far are you wanting to go?”

Peter chewed his lip. “Not to rush things, but I really really want to go all the way.”

“Well, not to rush things, but I want that too.” Tony gave him a small grin. “Do you have a preference?”

“Hmm?”

The confused look that he got made him feel guilty again. Just how much had Peter ever done with anyone else?

“Top or bottom, honey. Receiving or giving, pitching or catching, whatever you want to say. What do you want to do?”

Peter blushed, deciding to distract from the question at hand by pulling his shirt off.

It worked. Tony’s attention was instantly elsewhere, his eyes focused on his trim waist but hard muscle.

“Jesus, kid. That’s...wow.” If he wasn’t hard before, he was definitely getting there from seeing just what his innocent little intern was hiding under loose clothing.

“Like it?” The young man grinned to himself, one hand sensually sliding from the v of his hips up to his chest.

Perfect abs. Round, firm pecs. Jesus, Tony was entranced.

But he remembered what he’d asked. “Peter, top or bottom. What’s your preference?”

“I- I don’t...know.”

There it was.

Tony looked at him, tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip quickly. “You’re a virgin.” It wasn’t a question. He knew it for sure. It wasn’t surprising.

Peter got defensive. “I’ve done some stuff.”

“Uh huh. What ‘stuff’?”

He refused to look at Tony, his eyes on his hands as he played with the button on his jeans. “I’ve given oral. Guys and girls. And I’ve gotten, like, a couple handjobs and blowjobs.”

Tony closed his eyes. “I shouldn’t be your first. This- Peter, this is such a bad idea. You should be with someone your own age.”

Peter made an indignant sound, popping the button on his jeans and unzipping them out of protest. “I don’t want someone my own age. I want you.”

He said it with such finality.

Tony stepped closer to the bed, his hands cupping Peter’s face gently. “You promise me you won’t regret this?”

“There’s nothing that could make me regret this.” Peter unbuckled Tony’s belt, slowly pulling it out of the loops before dropping it to the floor.

Tony nodded slowly, not fighting when Peter pushed his slacks down. It was really happening.

“Holy shit-” Peter’s eyes were wide. His eyes were fixed on the way that Tony’s dick was straining at the front of his tight boxers. There was a nervous look in his eyes.

“Good or bad?” Tony teased a little.

“Good. Good, oh man.” Peter reached down and squeezed himself hard. “So big….”

That was nice to hear. “You think so? Do you think you could take it, sweetheart?”

Peter’s fingers ghosted over the length slowly, making it twitch in its confines. “I...I want to try.”

Tony nodded. “We’ll make it fit. Let’s finish getting you undressed.” He pulled his own shirt off and tossed it to the floor before getting onto the bed next to Peter.

He finished pulling the young man’s zipper down and helped him shimmy out of his jeans. Peter’s thighs were gorgeous, Tony was nearly drooling over them. But he couldn’t get distracted.

“May I?” He met the young man’s eyes, his fingers slipping into the waistband of his boxers.

Peter nodded, breathing hard as he laid back more.

Tony slowly pulled the piece of clothing down, biting his lip when he watched Peter’s cock drop against his hip once it was no longer covered. “So hard for me, honey. Look at that.”

The younger man blushed darker. “I’ve wanted this for a long time, Tony….”

“God, me too. Me too, kid.” He pushed his own boxers off, unable to keep himself from wrapping one hand around himself and stroking slowly.

Peter watched him with wide eyes. “Okay. I want you inside me. Now.” He kicked his boxers away, grinning a little.

Tony laughed softly at his eagerness. “We have to get you ready first. Hold on, let me show you….”

Turns out that Peter was incredibly responsive to everything and by the time he was open enough for further activities Tony had already worked him through an orgasm.

If Peter was that responsive to just his fingers, he couldn’t wait to get his cock in him. And the young man was still raring to go.

Tony grabbed a condom - habit, it wasn’t like they were preventing anything - but Peter stopped him.

“Why can't we just do it…without?” He asked shyly.

“I mean…we can. But you’ll have to clean up and that can be annoying.”

“I want…I want to feel you. Is that okay?” Peter hid his face in his hands, embarrassed by the admission.

Tony nodded, biting back a smile. “Yeah. That’s okay.” He set the foil square down on the nightstand before moving back to the young man.

He got between his legs, hands sliding over the strong thighs he was met with. “You’re absolutely gorgeous, kid. I hope you know that.”

Peter smiled up at him, spreading his legs further. “Thank you, Tony….” He leaned back more, laying his head down. “Now hurry up,” he joked.

Grabbing the lube and slicking himself up, the older man shook his head. “Impatient,” Tony chided, laughing softly. But he was already moving to position his cock at the man’s hole, the tip brushing over him.

They both moaned softly, laughing a little at how in sync they were.

“Fuck me, Tony…please?”

The older man nodded, slowly pushing past the tight muscle with a groan. Even though he’d prepped him, Peter was still tight. Just perfectly so.

Peter was tightly gripping the sheets, popping a couple threads even, with the first movements.

It seemed like his effort was in vain, but he really wanted to try to last.

Tony bottomed out, hips pressed flush against Peter’s ass.

The younger man was whining low in his throat at the feeling. His cock twitched between them. He knew that if he was touched at all before he could calm down a little, everything would be over way before he wanted it to be.

“Need me to stay still?” Tony asked. He could tell that Peter was struggling.

He nodded quickly, squeezing his eyes shut. “Yes. Fuck.”

“Okay, honey. Don’t worry, we can take this at whatever pace you want.”

Peter nodded, trying to get a hold on how he was feeling.

It took him a couple minutes, but eventually he signaled Tony that he was okay. And he could start moving.

So he started slow, but Tony started thrusting when he was given the okay.

Peter moaned, mouth falling open around his noises.

He tightened around Tony’s cock, squeezing down with every movement. Then he cried out when a particularly deep thrust hit something that made him see stars.

“What was that?” Peter gasped, hips rocking up wildly.

Tony groaned, laughing a little through it. “I’m going to, fuck, I’m going to assume that was your prostate. Feels good, doesn’t it? I should have showed that to you when I was fingering you.”

“Do it again!”

The older man snorted, aiming for the same spot again as he picked up his pace. He held one of Peter’s legs, lifting it just enough so that he could get at a deeper angle. “I can try.”

From the increasingly louder noises he received, he assumed he succeeded.

He was so lost in the feeling of Peter that he missed how close to the edge his partner was getting. All that registered was how incredible (borderline painful) it felt when the younger man squeezed around him like that.

Then Peter was crying out louder and thrusting up as he spilled onto his stomach.

Tony swore under his breath. “God, Peter.” He watched him, subconsciously speeding up as he chased his own high.

“Tony!” Peter moaned, eyes squeezed shut as he rode out his high. It was the best orgasm he’d ever experienced, alone or otherwise.

But he slowly opened his eyes, wanting to watch Tony cum.

“I’m close too,” the older man moaned, speeding up again.

Peter moaned louder, feeling himself being pushed up the bed with the quicker pace. “Cum, Tony, please, want you to fill me up.”

He wasn’t so sure about dirty talk, but it could only be but so bad because Tony went still moments later. Peter felt the cock inside him pulse briefly before there was a smooth warmth spreading.

The thing itself felt odd, but thinking about what was happening almost made him cum again.

Actually-

His hand flew to his own dick and he quickly jerked himself off before he was cumming for a third time. It wasn’t nearly as good as the other two, but it was still incredible. Especially thinking about how good Tony still felt inside of him.

He opened his eyes when he heard Tony chuckling. “What?”

“You’re insatiable. And I’m amazed that you can just go again that fast.” The older man closed his eyes again, catching his breath.

He was almost in shock that it had actually happened. He had sex with Peter. After thinking about it for months, dreaming about it, it happened.

He slowly pulled out, laying next to the young man. He knew they were both messes, covered in sweat and cum and lube, but he didn’t care. All he wanted was to hold Peter close before they had to go back to real life.

Tony gently wrapped his arms around him, just gathering him close while he pressed a kiss to the man’s temple.

He found out quickly that Peter’s dazed, relaxed post-sex state would only last for so long.

It was only minutes before the man was talking, whispering about anything and everything. And Tony happily listened.

He hummed softly, holding the younger man close to his chest. One hand gently carded through Peter’s soft curls as they talked quietly.

“My mom met you one time,” Peter murmured. “Before I was born. But she would never tell me about it. Just told me that it happened.”

Tony snorted softly. “Yeah, well, about when would that have been? I had a reputation for a reason.” But the confession started pulling at a memory. It couldn’t quite come to light, though.

“Ew.” The young man grinned at him. “But I guess you’re right. I don’t know, she was kinda weird about a lot of stuff. Not just that.”

“What do you mean?”

Peter sighed softly and Tony frowned. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked. But Peter started answering anyway.

“I don’t know who my actual dad is. She never told me. I vaguely remember her telling me that Richard was the only dad I needed, but nothing else.”

“You would have been so young,” Tony whispered. “Maybe she just figured it could be a conversation for another time.”

“But she wouldn’t tell anyone else. My aunt and uncle knew that Richard wasn’t actually my dad, but they were never told who was. And I guess it just…died with her.”

The older man nodded. “You could always do a paternity test, right?” Why was guilt pooling in his stomach?

Peter shrugged. “That’s assuming that my dad has done one too that we could match. And sometimes….” He trailed off.

“Sometimes what?” Tony kissed him gently, trying to soothe him.

“Sometimes I’m not sure that I want to know,” he confessed.

It made sense. But something was still trying to pull at Tony’s memory. Forming an idea slowly.

Although he wasn’t sure that he wanted to know the answers.

But he couldn’t just leave a question unasked. No matter how dark the potential answer.

“Peter…when did you say that your mom met me?”

The young man snuggled into him more, shaking his head. “I didn’t. I think it was…the year before I was born or so. Why? Do you remember?”

Tony tried to mentally do the numbers. He’d spent most of that year in a fog, but that had been the theme of that era in his life. But maybe…

“Are you okay?”

The older man closed his eyes, frowning as he tried to remember.

Parker. Had he been with a Parker? He couldn’t remember the occasion at all.

Maybe that was for the best.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m okay, was just trying to see if I remembered her. I’m sorry.”

Peter leaned up to kiss him gently, shaking his head. “Don’t be sorry. It’s not a big deal, really. Sometimes I just wonder about that stuff.”

Tony tried to assure himself that it wasn’t a big deal.

Maybe it was best to not have all the answers.

He had what he wanted. That was all that mattered.

#starker #peter parker #tony stark #tony x peter #tony stark x peter parker #my writing #bri’s kinktober 2021 #now I’ll go do all the schoolwork I’ve been ignoring lol #if you see this: yes the backstory is heavily influenced by that one rp we did where I came up with too much backstory #yeah

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bloody-bonesaw · 3 years ago

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WTNV 192 + AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS OF SCREENSHOTS FROM ‘CAT BALLOU’

I told you I was gonna do it.

First, I’m just gonna acknowledge how cool it is that Fink and Cranor even bothered to make these moments from the episode match up with the timestamps from the film, I love that they’re always trying to include their audience in fun little ways like that.

So the way I’ve decided to do this is go through the episode and compare every moment the movie is given any sort of description, until the point I’ll elaborate on later, where Fink and Cranor clearly take over.

“the television turned itself on, and there she was: the Columbia Pictures statue famously morphing into a cartoon and firing off her pistols. I knew exactly the movie, and I couldn’t turn away.”

Yep, this is completely accurate to the film, not much to speculate on here, here’s that clip for anyone interested:

youtube

“But soon, I started to notice the face. At around 15 minutes and 30 seconds, between the two balladeers, in the far background there’s the city courthouse. Just to the right of the front door is a man. He appeared as a black smudge at first, but the longer I looked the more I could see that thin mouth, those threatening, beckoning eyes.”

First thing I wanna pick up on here is that this line is actually delivered wrong in the episode. Cecil accidentally says “around 15 seconds, and then 30 seconds” instead of “15 minutes and 30 seconds”. Clearly, this isn’t a big deal, I just enjoy finding little things like that when I go through the transcripts.

Here’s the screenshot of 15:30 from the movie:

I wasn’t able to capture the exact moment as screencapping movies is a pain in the ass, but within the red circle, behind the horse’s head, there is what appears to be an extra wearing a hat, who does indeed appear as just a black smudge. At no point in this shot does the camera get close enough to reveal any sort of facial features whatsoever, so the part about the “threatening, beckoning eyes” was clearly what I will henceforth refer to as, a night-valeism.

Let’s move on

"Again at 23 minutes, he’s in the crowd watching the square dance. Everyone’s heads are facing left into the circles of dancers. Every head except one. He’s looking right at the camera again. Not at the camera… at me."

This one was very difficult to analyse as “in the crowd” is a very vague description of this scene, and so they could have been referring to any one of the extras here that weren’t dancing.

Here’s the screenshot:

There were two male extras in this scene who I could make out not looking left at the dance, but the one I circled in red is the only one who actually glances at the camera. Unfortunately, it’s only on screen for a split-second before it cuts so I couldn’t get the exact moment he stares into the camera. I noticed this guy does seem to be a little less ‘in character’ than some of the extras, which is weird considering he’s pretty obvious compared to some of the other extras.

“But at 36:55 in the top right, behind the stone well in the thicket, he’s there again. If you have a copy of this movie at home, go watch it, and tell me I’m not imagining this. It reminds me of The Ring [...]”

The interesting thing about this one is that this is the first timestamp included where there is clearly no extras. Here I’ve circled a few smudges that could potentially be mistaken for figures but in this case it’s more likely that Fink and Cranor KNOW there isn’t anyone there- (cont)

-But decided to include it anyway so they could draw that comparison to ‘The Ring’. Look at the well to the right surrounded by trees and tell me it doesn’t remind you of this:

Speaking of ‘The Ring’...

“But then at 56 minutes and 56 seconds in, Jane Fonda stands in front of an old shed and throws rocks [...] And behind her on the left, a man stands with one arm on his hip, the other resting on a shovel. His hat hides his face. Then he walks slowly forward, lifting the shovel. He keeps walking forward, downscreen of Jane Fonda, who is still giving the performance everything she’s has, as if some rogue extra isn’t ruining the shot.

The man then lifts the brim of his hat and looks right into the camera. His lips are moving, but not like speaking, more like undulating. It’s hard to hear if he is making any noise, because the audio mix on this movie was terrible. I could barely discern any other sounds beneath the electrical hum of the owls.”

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve never actually watched ‘The Ring’, but I know enough about it to recognise that this scenario, intentional or not, is part of a horror trope popularised by the film. (Interestingly, I noticed Cecil and Jeffery actually covered ‘Ringu’, the Japanese original on their podcast ‘Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9′ (try saying that ten times fast lol) about three weeks ago. Probably unrelated since I doubt they wrote the episode less than three weeks before its release but still, maybe it was just on their minds that day.

All that aside, this is my favourite screenshot they included and you’ll see why:

That’s right, the figure is (pretty much) EXACTLY as described (if you’ll excuse the fact that his hand is on his knee, not his hip, and he’s holding a rake, not a shovel.) As you’ve probably guessed, the second part of that paragraph is a complete Night-Valeism but that shouldn’t be a surprise.

What I love about this whole thing is how it really plays into the idea that Night Vale has suddenly become a part of our universe, what with the movie going from previously being played entirely by eternally-thirty-year-old Lee Marvin (except the balladeers played by Nat King Cole of course) to actually being how it is in the real world, and yet, still containing the Night-Valeisms that make it feel as if our universes have collided. I’d love to hear if anyone had watched this film before the episode came out and if perhaps you felt yourself double checking the scenes in a sort of Mandela-effect fuelled panic.

If you do want to watch the movie for yourself, it’s important to note that what Cecil says in the beginning about outdated and offensive jokes is also, unfortunately, entirely accurate. The film is full of mysogyny disguised as humor and casual 60s racism, so be prepared and remember to view it with a critical eye.

If you’re still reading, thank you so much! (And also what on earth are you doing I mean really.) I think it goes to show just how much I care about Welcome to Night Vale that I watched a whole 90 minute movie I wouldn’t have otherwise cared about just so I could give context to this 20 minute episode. I love this damn show so much.

#long post #wtnv #welcome to night vale #night vale #podcast #podcasts #cat ballou #Youtube

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charlottepuddingsama · 3 years ago

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Taste of Her Own Medicine

I wrote a zosan fic; come read it (Ao3 link in the reblog)

Description: Zoro is running late to a meeting with Sanji. When he finally gets there Sanji is swooning over the ex that crushed his heart while she peacocks and shows off her new boyfriend. People like that really pissed Zoro off.

Zoro checked his watch again. God damnit, he was late. Again. Which meant Sanji was going to kill him for it. Again. He couldn’t even pin this on Sanji this time, either, because Zoro was the one to suggest they meet at the fountain. To be fair, when he suggested it he’d been sure that he in-fact knew the way to the fountain. When he reached where it should have been, however, it inexplicably wasn’t there.

Now he’s rushing halfway across town to get to where it apparently actually is, if his phone’s map could be trusted (Zoro did not trust his phone’s map, sure that it was constantly sending him on the slowest, stupidest route possible. He was definitely always better off just going his own way). At least the exercise was warming him up, the sun yet to burn off the late spring morning’s chill.

He was only twenty minutes late, maybe Sanji would let him off easy for once? Zoro sighed inwardly, knowing that would never happen. It was going to be stupid to be yelled at about this, too, since they weren’t even doing anything where timing was all that important. They were just trying to find good birthday presents for Luffy. Zoro was kind of hopeless at presents while Sanji was always amazing at them, always picking out something thoughtful and custom-tailored to the recipient. Zoro most often showed up with an amazon gift card feeling completely stupid about it. Knowing this, Zoro had stealthily suggested they go hunting together so they didn’t, “buy him the same thing.” As if Zoro would ever give as good of a gift as Sanji would. He was actually surprised Sanji hadn’t seen right through him and refused, but the other had actually more-or-less readily accepted the idea. Zoro supposed there was a first time for everything.

The first time for Zoro to not make himself late, however, was not today.

After some wrong turns and two dead ends that might have actually been the same dead end twice, Zoro finally, finally saw the large fountain that marked the beginning of the city park come into view. He slowed his jog to a walk, glad he hadn’t yet broken a sweat. Couldn’t let Sanji think he actually cared about keeping their appointment. Not that it mattered what the cook thought, of course, but if he thought Zoro cared he might somehow get an even bigger head than he already had. Not that Zoro actually cared in the first place, too, of course. He hadn’t been looking forward to spending a whole day shopping with Sanji even a little. Not at all.

Zoro looked around the paved area, searching for Sanji amongst the small crowd mingling by the fountain. The day was still a bit crisp from the morning, but that didn’t seem to dissuade people as they gathered around the mouth of the park. Some were alone, some in groups, and others towed animals on leashes either walking the pets or clearly getting walked by them. Zoro surveyed the whole crowd, looking for Sanji standing off by himself, probably bent agitatedly over his phone with a cigarette in his mouth. None of the loners in the area fit his description though.

Had Zoro somehow actually made it here first after all? That didn’t seem even a little bit likely. He kept looking.

Finally, after a long moment of searching, he managed to spot him. A familiar head of blonde hair, a neat dress shirt, and long legs stood by the side of the fountain striking an impossible-to-mistake silhouette.

He wasn’t alone, though.

In front Sanji was an unfamiliar couple: some brunette girl holding the hand of an average looking boy. Was Sanji hitting on a stranger while her boyfriend was literally right there? Really?

Zoro’s face morphed into an unimpressed look. How classic. He really had no idea what he was expecting, offering to take Sanji around in public where he might run into females in the wild. A strong feeling of annoyance grew in his chest at just imagining the stupid drivel that must be spewing out of that mouth of his.

Zoro began to march over there with intentions to drag Sanji away by the ear when he suddenly stopped himself in his own tracks. His brows furrowed, studying the way Sanji was standing. His entire posture was eerily off. One hand was in his pocket while the other held a lit cigarette. His shoulders were tight and a little high, legs slightly farther apart than normal as if on defense. There was absolutely none of the easy oozing he exuded whenever he normally was chatting up some girl. He wasn’t swooning even a little.

Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

A thrum of worry pulsed through Zoro. It wasn’t that he was worried about Sanji – he could take care of himself, plus, Zoro reminded himself, he didn’t give a fuck about him (how does he keep forgetting that?). Rather, he was worried about what kind of threat these two people could possibly pose to get someone as cool-headed as Sanji so visibly tense.

Looking at the two, he knew he couldn’t place the boy, but the brunette… did he know her? Her face was rather indistinct, no particular piece of it sticking out to him. Her clothes looked well-pressed, and they were probably fashionable, not that Zoro had any real frame of reference for that. Her brown hair was half tied up in two little buns on her head, the rest left to fall down past her shoulders. She just seemed like a completely random, normal person; an auto-generation of any other girl about their age in the city.

Then the girl laughed at something. The sound was shrill and obnoxious in a way that grated on every nerve Zoro had. He wanted to absolutely break something.

Oh. Oh. Ohhhh. Zoro knew exactlywho this girl was. He scowled at the memory.

She was some chick Sanji had dated for a while, maybe a couple months? A name itched at the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t quite grasp it. Two months was considerably longer than most of Sanji’s little trysts. He had even brought her around to meet everyone once; it was kind of a big deal since they’re friends are not only their family, but also extremely likely to scare any normal person away. Sanji had really, really actually liked this girl, Zoro was pretty sure.

And then she dumped him.

She’d reportedly done it unceremoniously one night, completely out of the blue. She simply told Sanji that she was, “done with this relationship now,” and left. Zoro had heard that line a hundred times over in the weeks following as Sanji wallowed pitifully, hit hard by the sudden cold shoulder. It had not been a pretty sight in the slightest. The ever-enamored cook had eventually bounced back, like he always did, but it really had taken longer than usual. Even Zoro had felt sorry for the guy at the time.

And now here she was. A completely random encounter in a city filled with a thousand other people that could be here instead. And she had the nerve to do, what? Strike up a casual conversation with someone she herself had so soundly dumped, some new boy in her tow? Inching closer, Zoro just barely started to be able to hear them. It was clear even just from her tone that the words exchanged were more than awkward hellos. The girl was gushing about her boyfriend the businessman, annunciating the words as if she wanted the whole park to turn and listen. She played with some expensive looking necklace in a way that was definitely supposed to be noticed, certainly some token from her little purse-mule of a boy.

That kind of thing really pissed Zoro off. Dump someone for no reason? Fine, whatever. But then go shoving yourself at him? In public and at random? She had to know how Sanji was physically incapable of being anything but overly polite to women, abusing that to get her kicks. Zoro grit his teeth as he watched Sanji gush at her that she looked as beautiful as always, that he simply adored how her hair grew out since he’d last seen her, that he was so happy she was so well taken care of. Underneath the gushing Zoro could practically feel how upset this whole encounter made Sanji, a self-pitying tone sewn into each sentence. It was like he was a slave to his own actions. The girl clearly let her ego be boosted by his attention and that made Zoro even angrier.

Zoro eyed the boy she had tugged along. He may have been some business guy or whatever, but he certainly didn’t look very impressive. His haircut was basic, his jacket was a bit too big and made him look like he was playing dress up, and his expression seemed far away as if zoned out. Zoro had him beat in muscle and looks easily. Zoro’s shirt was tight against his well-built chest, his jeans were slung low to show just a peak of his boxers, he’d have a healthy little glow from his jogging, and he raked a hand through his hair to give it a little volume. He was fully aware of exactly how good he looked in comparison and just pissed off enough to decide he might as well use it.

He wanted to see if little miss ex could handle a taste of her own medicine.

“Oi, Sanji,” he called, finally making his way to the trio. Sanji’s shoulders jumped to his ears. Zoro thought he looked like an animal frozen in crosshairs, waiting for its instincts to lead it to fight or flee. He turned slowly to look at Zoro, his face in a very un-handsome expression of combined panic and agitation.

Zoro fought his instinct to give just as nasty an expression back knowing he was now being watched by the brunette; his little show had now officially begun. Instead, he gave Sanji an easy smile as he sauntered over to him, eyes only on him, pretending to not even notice the couple right in front of them. This, of course, only lead to Sanji scrunching up his face in incredulous confusion. If this idea was going to work Zoro was going to have to wipe that look right off him.

When he was beside him, Zoro slung an arm around Sanji’s shoulder, letting himself drape over the other. Sanji was only one centimeter shorter than him and just as strong, so it always surprised Zoro just a bit how slight his naturally thin frame felt in his arms. A small, stupid rush of protectiveness briefly filled his chest and for once Zoro indulged it letting himself draw Sanji close to him. Sanji went stiff as a board and his eyes blew open in surprise. Zoro took advantage of his surprise, not letting him even think about getting a kick in as he reached out with his other hand to grab hold of Sanji’s stubbled chin.

He drew the other in for a quick, soft kiss.

The sharp scent of tobacco filled Zoro’s senses, but underneath it lied the familiar aroma of spices that followed Sanji everywhere he went. The scent was familiar, but the feel of Sanji’s lips against his was new. For all the times he’d bitten a mark into Sanji’s pale flesh, nipping along skin usually hidden later by shirts, Zoro couldn’t actually remember them kissing. If they ever had, they certainly would never do it as gently as this. He counted to ten in his head, wanting the kiss to look real while still public-appropriate.

Zoro was perfectly prepared for Sanji to remain like cardboard, perfectly fine carrying the kiss by himself. Suddenly, though, as if some sort of switch had gone off, Sanji softened, easing into Zoro’s hold like butter into warm bread.

All at once Sanji’s plush lips gently pressed back, allowing his weight to fall where Zoro’s arms had guided it. The count in Zoro’s head faltered for a second, mind going dumb from shock. Zoro had kissed plenty of people before, was a damn good kisser himself, but somehow nothing had ever felt like this. There was something in the way Sanji relaxed into him, how perfectly their lips slotted together, and the sensory of the strong scents and rough stubble and pillowy softness of lips. It all made even such a simple kiss simply intoxicating. Had they really never done this before? Why the hell not?

At ten (or was it eleven? Twelve?) Zoro drew his head back, ending their kiss with the soft sound of lips parting. He didn’t go far, though, hand still on the other’s chin, their breath mixing in the space between them. He opened his eyes, not knowing when he’d closed them, to find Sanji staring at him with a dazed expression and a gentle, pink blush spread across his cheeks. Zoro couldn’t help but smile, a strange feeling like fondness welling up in his chest. It was probably just hormones, like always, reminding him of the other times he’d made the typically put-together Sanji blush in more heated circumstances. Yeah, that was it, had to be.

“Thanks for waiting,” Zoro said, for once owning up to being late. Sanji blinked owlishly at him, as if trying to place where they were and what they were supposed to be doing. At that cute look something compelled Zoro and he made no move to stop it, giving a sweet kiss to the bit of forehead poking out from blonde bangs as if in apology.

“Ahem?” an impatient voice said, jarring Zoro back into reality. When had he left? It was like he’d had complete tunnel vision. Now, though, the situation around him came back into sharp focus. The mild chill of the spring air, the bubbling fountain behind him, the obnoxious couple in front of him, the reason why he did what he just did. Yes, right, he’d had a reason for doing that. One, singular, solitary reason and absolutely no other. A mission, even. Right.

Zoro dropped Sanji’s chin, ignoring the tingle in his hand and the definitely non-existent desire to hold him elsewhere. He instead hooked his thumb in one of his belt loops and assumed a pose hanging off of Sanji who was now tucked rather snugly into his side. The girl had her arms crossed and looked huffy. He raised an eyebrow at the two, acting as if they’d been the ones to interrupt him. “Sorry, didn’t see you there,” Zoro said casually, just knowing an egotistical bitch like her would be bothered by that. Sure enough, the girl’s eye twitched just a bit. Zoro held back a smug smile at getting a reaction so easily. “And you would be?”

Indignation flashed in the girl’s eyes. Had Zoro asked that rudely? Oh, pardon him. She stood herself up to look taller, as if looking down on him despite being a few inches shorter. Zoro refused to be phased.

“I’m Alice,” the girl introduced herself, not bothering to introduce the boy with her. It was probably for the best as the boy’s eyes had followed Zoro’s thumb down to where it rested, clearly distracted.

“I’m sure Sanji has told you all about me,” she added with fake sweetness, an almost sadistic smile crawling up her face. Alice, right. Alice was definitely the name Sanji wailed into his empty wine glass when Zoro and the others had tried to take him out on a boys’ night to cheer him up. He actually used to kind of like that name, but now it was forever tainted with the memory of this haughty cunt in front of him.

Instead of admitting to the recollection, though, Zoro looked at her blankly. “Alice…” he said, as if mulling the name over. As if he needed to search long and hard to find any semblance of someone in Sanji’s past named Alice. “Hm,” he said at length, “no… I don’t really remember having heard about someone by that name. Have you ever mentioned an Alice, babe?”

Despite addressing him, Zoro didn’t dare look at Sanji’s face. Even just the hint of doubt or disbelief or anger from Sanji might be enough to shake Zoro off his game and have this all come crashing down more humiliating than when they’d started.

He looked at Alice, instead, who looked at him like he’d grown a second head. The very concept that Sanji might not have cried his heart out about her every day since their parting was clearly a new one. It made Zoro so happy to have so suddenly shut her down with just a few words.

“Hold on! W-we’ve met before!” Alice protested, apparently recognizing him now. Zoro noted that she didn’t wait for Sanji to confirm or deny if he’d ever deigned to mention her once their relationship had ended. Zoro wondered if she was scared to know. Hearing something like that from the man himself might just shake her precious little ego. Zoro would love to see that happen.

“Oh, we have?” Zoro asked mildly, showing a clear disinterest in whether they had or not. He pretended to mull the concept over in his head just as he had her name. He certainly remembered the party Sanji had brought her to. He remembered that it had sucked because her laugh was too annoying to ignore even from across the room and cross-eyed drunk. Finally, he shrugged simply, clearly not caring one way or another. “Guess it just wasn’t very memorable.”

At that Alice looked absolutely stricken, an arrow piercing directly into her pride. Bullseye, Zoro thought to himself, narrowly remembering to keep his face schooled. He so badly wanted to give her the same wolfish grin he reserved for his enemies at tournaments, but his own internal satisfaction would have to suffice.

In his peripheral, Zoro saw Sanji take a long drag off his cigarette. Hopefully that meant he was willing to quietly play along. Possibly it meant he thought Zoro had genuinely forgotten about her and that he was about to get pummeled into a paste in about five seconds.

“S-So then, you two? You’re together then?” Alice asked, clearly affronted and looking for something to refill her sails. Zoro wondered if she was beginning to consider him her replacement. He wondered how he measured up.

Suddenly, though, she seemed then to get herself a second wind, puffing herself up in her coat. Zoro refrained from frowning, if just barely. And here he’d been winning.

“It’s so adorable to see new couples, isn’t it Darek, sweetie?” she said sweetly, grabbing on to her boy’s sleeve. The boy in question nodded absentmindedly, eyes locked on where Zoro was oh-so-incidentally toying at the waistband of his boxers with his thumb. A charming one, wasn’t he? “We’ve been together for four months now. It’s just so hard to find the one you’re truly meant to be with, but so rewarding to know they’re all yours. How long has your cute little thing been going on for?”

So she was considering him to be her replacement. Moreover, it seemed clear that if that were the case, he’d be the winner. This was her alternative hypothesis, the situation that would set the world just a little bit more right than it was right then. If their relationship was new she could brush it all off as certain to be doomed in a week or two, as so many new relationship were. Well, he’d better set her little worries to rest, now shouldn’t he?

“This little love bug,” Zoro said, pressing a sweet kiss to Sanji’s cheek, forcibly holding the other’s shoulder’s down when they jumped, “Has been all mine since August.” Would he most likely be paying for “love bug” with his very life later? Yes, yes he would. But it was so, so very worth it to see Alice’s face as she did the math. Zoro distinctly recalled The Wailing Remembrance of Alice having begun in that hot and muggy summer month. Logically, then, that made Zoro one hell of a rebound, and one that stuck quite nicely, too.

Alice was clearly taken aback, her refilled sails deflating again catastrophically. The cutesie pda, Zoro’s complete disinterest in with her, and the dawning evidence that maybe Sanji hadn’t been so hopelessly lost without her was doing exactly the job Zoro had hoped it would.

“B-but I thought you two hated each other!” She cried, looking between the two and sounding a bit desperate, “That you couldn’t stand in the same room without arguing!”

She, of course, had seen firsthand at the party the animosity between the two. She also had probably had to sit through at least a couple sessions of Sanji bitching about whatever thing Zoro had done to purposefully annoy him. Well, Zoro figured, you know what they say: when in doubt, gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss.

“Oh?” Zoro said, cocking his head to the side, “Why do you say that?” He said it as if she was insane, as if she hadn’t seen their fights herself, as if they weren’t literally known for their arguments with each other. He said it like it was completely and entirely natural for them to be like this now. It helped that Sanji hadn’t moved an inch, hadn’t given a single physical sign that this wasn’t exactly what they usually did. He made it seem like he was perfectly comfortable being held close to Zoro’s chest. That it was where he belonged.

They had even, in fact, gone a whole five minutes without arguing.

Alice’s mouth opened and closed for a minute, her mind clearly trying to calculate and recalculate this encounter, but the numbers just didn’t seem to be adding up in her favor. Zoro almost pitied her, except that she had very much started it and brought all this upon herself.

Finally, she looked to her boy as if for some sort of support. All she found was that his attention was firmly on Zoro’s chest, eating up the eye candy readily. He even went as far as to lick his lips.

“Darek!” Alice scolded under her breath, scandalized, slapping his chest for attention.

“Ow!” Darek said, shocked out of whatever daydream he’d been having.

Zoro finally let himself give a toothy smile. He considered his damage officially done. Alice had clearly been knocked down a peg or two, and her little walking-wallet of a boyfriend had been reduced from oh-so successful businessman to just another ogler looking for the next pretty thing. This was a resounding victory.

Now for a victorious escape out of this situation as fast as possible.

“Come on, babe,” Zoro said, turning his head to nuzzle into Sanji’s hair. How did he always forget just how soft those golden strands were? “I’ve made you wait long enough. I owe you a date.”

Zoro smiled into the last sentence, making it sound like their “date” was the only thing on his mind. Like he’d been thinking all week long about getting to see the other, the thought being his lone reason to keep going day after day. Which couldn’t be farther from the truth, obviously. There had been absolutely zero percent of him that had put any emphasis on this little outing even once this past week. He hadn’t done laundry for the express purpose of having something he liked to wear, he hadn’t trimmed up his sideburns and played with different hair products all week, and he definitely was not currently wearing cologne. The smile was simply an affectation of the truth, just for the sake of the ruse. That’s it.

Before anyone had time to say anything more, Zoro gently ushered Sanji to turn away from the other couple. To his relief, Sanji went willingly.

“W-wha-hey! Wait a minute!” Alice blustered, stomping a foot.

“It was nice meeting you,” Zoro said, not even looking back at her, just waving his free hand slightly.

“I told you, we already met!” she fumed, but Zoro paid it absolutely no mind. He grinned like an absolute shark, amazed he was getting away with this.

“Wait!” She yelled again.

Then, she played dirty.

“Sanji,” she said, a whimper in her voice.

Sanji stopped dead in his tracks. Zoro did too, not wanting to have to actually drag the other. He closed his eyes and cursed in his head. They had been so close.

Sanji took a long drag off his cigarette. As he sucked in, the moment seemed to stretch out, becoming longer than it was before. Finally, he blew a long exhale, smoke leaving his mouth fluidly. He tapped the ash off the end of his cigarette, dropped it to the pavement, and ground it out with his toe.

Zoro didn’t look at his face. He didn’t want to see even an ounce of hurt from such a stupid, shallow, nobody of a girl. It was so ridiculous for someone like that to make someone like Sanji feel anything at all, let alone pain. It made bile rise in Zoro’s throat and blood rush in his ears, but he kept his cool. He’d tried his rescue strategy. This was now nothing but Sanji’s fight.

Sanji turned his head over their shoulders. Zoro expected whimpering or pitiful noises, or maybe simply his standard gushing. Assurances that Alice still lived in his heart, that she always would. He’d tell her that she was the most beautiful girl in the world, that nobody could compare, that he would never want anyone else more than he wanted her. Zoro felt an unusual nausea in his gut.

“It was good to see you, Alice!” Sanji called brightly, his tone clear of any whining or gooeyness, much to Zoro’s surprise. No hurt? No presentation of wounds? No flattery? No begging?

“I’m glad you’re doing well.” Zoro was nearly in shock; Sanji sounded completely genuine. Did he… get over her? Just now? In this moment?

He hazarded a look at Sanji’s face and found a brilliantly beaming smile that reached his clear blue eyes. It was a smile that could put a thousand suns to shame, a smile that could launch a thousand ships, a smile worth the world over in gold and then some. Somehow, Sanji was really, truly happy.

Something inside Zoro absolutely melted and something else bloomed warm in his chest.

Before Zoro could even start to think about processing that, Sanji turned to him, and he was simply lost. For a brief second that stretched into minutes, days, years even, nothing else existed but him and Sanji and Sanji’s blue eyes shining back at him. He wanted nothing more than to kiss the beautiful man in front of him.

Then Sanji spoke, and Zoro forced himself out of that moment. Back to reality. Again, when had he left? He couldn’t recall.

“Come on, then, dearest,” Sanji jeered, his eyes now gleaming mischievously and smile saccharine sweet as he prodded. Zoro cognitively knew that he was always annoyed by that expression yet couldn’t seem to summon up the actual feeling of being annoyed. “I believe you promised me shopping?” Zoro felt a hand slip into the far back pocket of his jeans.

Now they really did look like a disgustingly lovey-dovey honeymoon-stage couple out for a date. Sanji gave his ass a teasing squeeze, snickering as Zoro felt his whole face grow red hot. Who had initiated the touching again? It couldn’t possibly have been him. This was far too intimate for him to have started, surely.

Zoro gulped heavily and remembered that he had a part to play here. He once again ushered them forward down the street. The last thing he heard from the girl – her name already returning to a blank spot in Zoro’s mind – was her yelling at her boyfriend to get his jaw off the ground and stop drooling already.

Zoro let Sanji lead them down a couple blocks, dazed and distracted. During the whole encounter he’d kept himself perfectly calm, but now that it was over his heart was beating hard in his chest. He replayed the whole scene in his head, impossibly surprised that it actually worked. How in the hell had it actually worked? How had they passed so easily for an actual couple?

Zoro was still wondering at how miraculous their success was when Sanji broke his concentration.

“Hey, Zoro,” Sanji said, casually as can be, leading them down some sort of alley between buildings.

“Yeah?” Zoro grunted, freshly shaken from his thoughts.

“Could you do me a favor?”

“What do you want, shit cook?”

“Well, would you mind ever so terribly-“ Suddenly, a foot came flying at his face and Zoro was too startled to block it in time, “-GETTING YOUR BIG, DUMB GORILLA HANDS OFF OF ME!”

Zoro went flying into the wall of the alley, back hitting with a sharp snap of pain. He was fine, though, nothing he couldn’t brush off.

“What the hell was that for?” Zoro scowled. He peaked at the wall behind him; the brick was only cracked a little, just barely resembling the outline of a person. Nothing identifying, so it was fine.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” Sanji sneered, adjusting the collar of his button-up and dusting off his pants as if the mere presence of Zoro in his bubble was sullying.

“Heh, I can think of a few times you’ve liked me touching you just fine,” Zoro retorted, wiggling his brows suggestively.

“You’re such a pervert,” Sanji said with disgust.

“You’re one to talk, love cook, swooning after a girl with her boyfriend literally right next to her.” Zoro swiped his thumb under his nose, checking for blood and finding none. Nothing seemed broken, that was good.

“Hey!” Sanji protested, looking angry. Had Zoro gone to far with bringing it up already? He knew the situation wasn’t exactly typical. Still, the whole thing still kind of pissed him off, so why shouldn’t he talk about it? “I didn’t ask for your help back there!”

“Oh?” Zoro asked, a smirk coming to his face, “So you admit that what I did was helpful?”

Sanji’s face grew red, frustration and agitation clear. “Oh, go die in a hole, you moron.”

“Whatever,” Zoro shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets, and leaning against the cracked brick coolly, “I was just pissed off, that’s all.”

“You?” Sanji asked condescendingly, “What the hell did you have to be pissed off about?”

“Don’t like that girl, is all,” Zoro answered plainly, closing his eyes as he relaxed, his heart rate finally dropping back to normal after all the excitement. The physical distance from Sanji and the sting of pain had broken his strange headspace. He was feeling like his usual self again, now. No weird, overly emotional thoughts swirling around. “Didn’t like her when you talked about her, didn’t like her when you brought her around, and I didn’t like her when I saw her just now, either.”

Zoro could feel Sanji study him for a moment, as if trying to decide if he bought that. “And what exactly has she done to you to make you hate her so much?”

Zoro huffed, rather done with the interrogation despite it hardly having begun. “I just can’t stand her attitude, that’s all. She’s so holier-than-thou, and then goes around parading herself like she’s the best thing since sliced bread.” The nerve of that girl, honestly. Zoro worked up a little mucus in his mouth and spit at the ground. “She thinks she can just waltz around hurting people to make herself feel better. Pisses me off.”

“Hey, you can’t say that about a beautiful lady!”

“Oh, piss off,” Zoro said, rolling his eyes, “First of all as far as I could tell she wasn’t even that good looking, average at best.” He will fully admit to his radar being finely attuned to men only, though, so maybe he’s wrong, but she really didn’t seem like anything special to him. “And secondly you never would have taken that kind of crap from a guy. You would have kicked him to the moon and back the second he tried that shit. But with her, and every other woman ever, you let her walk all over you. Not exactly a good idea when the girl’s a grade-A bitch.”

They stood there in that alley for a long moment, Sanji just watching Zoro and Zoro just watching him back. They both knew he was right.

“Tch,” Sanji spat at length, “I was raised a ladies’ man, and that’s just how it is.” Zoro knew that, too. This wouldn’t change anything. He doesn’t know how it happened, but somehow that behavior just got hard coded into Sanji. It was fine except that it was annoying and opened him up so easily to those who would misuse his kindness. There weren’t many of Sanji’s exes that Zoro didn’t outright hate, now that he thought about it, and certainly none that he properly liked. Maybe that was why.

“And anyway,” Sanji cut in, breaking Zoro’s wandering thoughts, “Why the hell do you care how I’m treated anyway?”

What? Did he say that? No way he’d said that. “I don’t!” He didn’t! Zoro felt his face grow hot, which didn’t make any sense. This was stupid. “I-It’s just the principal of the matter, is all!”

“Oh really?” Sanji asked, clearly unconvinced.

“Shut the hell up, bastard,” Zoro snapped, now really well and truly done with this whole affair. He took a breath, cooling himself down. Sanji always got him so worked up it was stupid. “Whatever, believe whatever the hell you want, I already told you the truth. She was a cunt and that’s all there is to it.”

The words clearly ticked Sanji off, but that was good, got him distracted from whatever bullshit he was spewing about Zoro caring about him or something. Idiot.

“You know, you could really do with learning some good manners towards ladies.” Sanji scowled.

“Yeah, yeah,” Zoro said, waving off the idea for the billionth time. “Last time I treated a girl any differently she caved my head in with a stick. Won’t be making that mistake twice.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sanji asked, making a dumb face as if Zoro had said some sort of convoluted metaphor.

“Forget about it,” Zoro dismissed, having not intended to bring Kuina into this. He shoved off the wall and decided it was time to get out of this alley and back to what they came here for.

“Whatever,” Sanji said, rolling his eyes, apparently too done with Zoro to bother to pry.

Zoro walked until he was passing Sanji by, heading toward the mouth of the alley. Sanji stood silently, looking like he was thinking about something.

Just as he passed, Sanji said something quietly, “She really was a bit mean, wasn’t she?”

Zoro stopped there, just in front of the other. He didn’t get it. He didn’t know why Sanji was like this. Why was it so impossibly hard for him to admit when a woman was bad to him? So inconceivable to fight back? It made Zoro so impossibly upset sometimes. But here he was with this one little admittance. This one time this one woman was a bit mean to him. Zoro shouldn’t shoot this down. He couldn’t bring himself to if he wanted.

“Yeah,” Zoro huffed, a bit of a smile playing on his lips with the magnitude of the understatement. “And stupid too,” he added.

“Stupid?” Sanji asked, hackles raised all over again, “What the hell do you mean by that?”

“Sheesh, isn’t it obvious?” Zoro asked, huffing a short laugh through his nose, “First she dates you, which already brands her as an idiot –“

“Hey!”

“- And then she brings around that chump as if he’s supposed to somehow make you jealous. Seriously, as if he’d ever hold a candle to you.” What a joke.

Sanji didn’t say anything to that, and Zoro looked back curiously.

Sanji was just staring at him, eyes a little wide and face dusted pink. “Hah?” Zoro questioned, one eyebrow quirked. “What, did I say something wrong?”

Sanji looked at him for a moment longer, the silence stretching between them yet carrying surprisingly little tension. Finally, Sanji seemed to shake himself out of it. “It’s nothing, moss-for-brains. And get out of my way,” he said, shoving Zoro by the face.

“Hey! Cut it out!” Zoro yelled, shoving Sanji’s hand off his face.

“Ah, deal with it, grass-head,” Sanji said, pulling out a cigarette and his lighter, “Let’s find whatever the hell kind of present Luffy would want already.”

Zoro grumbled but followed along, ready to get this errand over with and the weird events of ten minutes ago behind him. This event would be receiving absolutely no post-facto analysis. There wasn’t a single thought, feeling, or action that needed a second look at or processing time to rectify with his current world view, and he was eager to put it all out of his head.

“And hey,” Sanji said. Zoro sighed inward, sure this was going to be something weird about the thing that just happened, “Thanks.”

Yup. Weird. Weird, weird, weird. It was so weird for Sanji to thank him, he almost hated it. He did hate it. He absolutely definitely hated it. That must be what the rosy feeling in his chest was: hate for how weird it was.

“Yeah, well, you know,” Zoro said, shrugging the whole ordeal off as they did with almost everything that’s happened between them, “Don’t mention it.”

This, as so much else, would be their little secret.

A comfortable silence rested between them as they each took a moment to breathe.

“By the way, are you wearing cologne?”

“IN YOUR DREAMS!”

#one piece #zosan #sanzo #zoro/sanji #sanji/zoro #zoroxsanji #sanjixzoro #fake dating #my writing #fanfiction

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lloydskywalkers · 4 years ago

Text

heLLO i’m so sorry this took so long!! tumblr did not, in fact, eat your ask this time, i just took five years with the response T-T i did very much want to write something about Jay and Cliff (because that’s a criminally underused relationship), but unfortunately season 12 has come out since i wrote All I’m Asking For and kind of...made things...a lot angstier :’( so this leans much more on the angst side than the fluff, but!! there is some in there, i promise

It happens mid-battle, which is never a good time for anything to happen, really, other than a spontaneous victory. If it had happened at any other time, Jay would’ve gone with him. Any other time, he tells himself, he would’ve found the time to talk.

But it’s mid-battle right after Sensei Wu’s gone missing in time, and ironically enough, time is the last thing Jay has on his hands.

It’s not even the worst of battles — just some jerks who actually happen to have too much time and advanced high-grade weaponry on their hands — but it’s enough to send the city’s civilians screaming for cover as another chunk of building comes raining down toward them. Normally Cole would take this kind of thing, since Jay’s more about the agile, dynamic stuff (not because his arms are a whole lot like half-cooked spaghetti noodles next to Cole’s, not at all). But Cole’s on the other side of the city running collateral damage watch with Zane, so Jay’s the only one around to snatch the poor man out of harm’s way before a chunk of concrete squashes him.

“Whoo, that was close,” he breathes out, as dust mushrooms out from the impact nearby. Jay carefully sets the man down, coughing briefly and tugging his mask into place. “You alright?”

The man doesn’t reply, staring at Jay with wide, eerily familiar eyes. “You,” he breathes, as if Jay is some miraculous apparition — which, sure, Jay just saved his life, but like, he’s Jay. He’s a whole two or three inches shorter than this guy, he’s not super impressive.

“You’re the lightning ninja,” the man continues. “You’re — Jay?”

Caught between being pleased he’s recognized and being slightly creeped out, Jay opens his mouth to reply. Then he looks at the guy, actually looks at the guy, and immediately shuts it. And a good thing, too, because Jay’s mouth suddenly goes so dry it kinda feels like a dust vacuum.

“Y-you’re Cliff Gordon,” he manages, on a wheezing kind of whisper. “H-hi. Hi, hello, it’s—”

An honor? Jay’s half-hysterical mind throws at him. What is he supposed to say? Hello, long-lost father who gave me up as a baby, I figured that out, by the way? Does Cliff even know Jay’s his son? Does he even know his name’s Jay? Oh, why oh why has Jay put off acknowledging anything that happened with Nadakhan for this long, just because the entire thing’s a minefield worth of trauma and it makes him wildly nauseous to think about it at all, it doesn’t mean—

“Jay,” Cliff Gordon repeats, his eyes wide and shiny, and Jay’s stomach drops like he’s on a roller coaster. Because the way he says his name — it’s like he knows, it’s like he cares—

“You, uh,” Jay swallows, utterly oblivious to the exploding building two blocks back. “I think…you knew my mom?”

Alright, points for Jay for the lamest segue into this possible, but the beaming, almost-painful smile that splits Cliff’s face at least drowns part of the shame out.

“You could say that,” he murmurs, looking part-overjoyed, part-terrified. “If you know that, then — you must know I’m your — I never meant to lose—”

Cliff cuts off painfully, dragging a hand through his graying hair. Jay vaguely notes the puffs of dust that go drifting off from it, before the awkward silence gets too heavy and his mouth kicks back into action.

“Yeah, kinda…figured that out,” Jay laughs, nervously. “I don’t, um, I’m not mad…? If that’s what you’re worried about, but it’d be uh, nice to…”

“Of course,” Cliff nods fervently, as if he’s somehow psychic and can mind-read the ten thousand words’ worth of questions barraging across Jay’s brain. “Of course, we should talk, there’s so much I need to explain, I—”

Jay’s radio interrupts him in a bursting screech of static, leaving them both wincing.

“Jay, any day you wanna get back in the game, we could use a little help here!”

Kai’s voice is strained, and Jay glances from the battle to his — Cliff — with wild eyes. Cliff shakes his head, waving toward his teammates.

“Go on, go on,” he says, something like pride in his voice. “You’ve got a much more important job to do.” He pauses, his eyes bright and painfully hopeful. “But you’ll — you’ll come and visit me sometime, will you?”

“Yeah,” Jay nods, feeling oddly shaky. “Of course, I’d — I’d really like that.”

Cliff Gordon’s face splits into full smile, and Jay takes that as his cue to leave before he does something hideously embarrassing, like run his mouth or try to — to hug the guy. His eyes catch the bright flash of the Destiny’s Shadow, and he jumps up as Lloyd tilts the plane, Zane reaching a hand out to snag Jay and haul him in.

“Nice timing,” Jay gasps in thanks as he finds his seat, fumbling once with the tight squeeze. “Sorry about the wait.”

Zane simply squeezes his shoulder briefly. “I am merely glad to see you in one piece,” he says, wincing briefly as another explosion goes off. Jay cringes as his eyes rake over the smoking flames. Man, they’re gonna be stuck doing repairs here forever—

“Who was that?”

Jay startles back to himself at Lloyd’s voice, blinking rapidly. He opens his mouth, prepared to unleash a floodgate’s worth of “you’ll never believe this”—

Then stops dead as Zane and Lloyd stare curiously at him, awaiting answer. Jay shuts his mouth, and swallows.

How is he supposed to announce he’s met his father — his second, whole father, in addition to the super great one he already has — to them? To Zane, who barely got any time with his only parent before he died? To Lloyd, who's still actively grieving having lost his only dad for like, the third time? How’s that gonna go over, huh, motormouth?

So Jay shakes his head, forcing an easy laugh instead. “Just some random fan.”

************

He means to follow up right after. He does, really, but everything goes to hell in a handbasket so quickly Jay barely even has time to breath. First it’s the months of searching for Sensei, then it’s guarding the royal family, then they’re on the run, then they’re watching Garmadon brutalize their baby brother on live television and he’s dying on a table and the city’s being destroyed by a giant and the Bounty’s being crushed with them on it and they’re running for their lives in the First Realm and Sensei Wu’s a teenager and—

They’re kind of busy, that’s the point he’s trying to make.

Eventually, there’s a brief spot of time he could go, maybe. It’s right after they’ve returned from the First Realm, though, and that’s...not a great time.

The city’s still stumbling back to its feet, for one, and the loss of the emperor and empress doesn’t exactly help. Their little family’s left stumbling back to its feet even slower, as beaten down and utterly exhausted as they are. The four of them had their own run of it in the First Realm, but Lloyd and Nya didn’t have it any better back in Ninjago, and the whole thing’s just — just a big mess. And sure, maybe reuniting with his long-lost biological father now could like, actually benefit Jay’s half-shredded mental state, since the guy seemed pretty happy to see him, but…

But fathers.

Lloyd still wanders their apartment like a ghost at night, his eyes dull and haunted from whatever night terror he’s been graced with now. He wanders a little bit like that in the day, too, eyes glazing over and hands trembling at times. Jay knows why, of course — they all know, it’s not a secret. Not with the high-definition TV footage that keeps circulating. And they — they try to help, of course, they do their very best, but there are some things only time can fix.

Jay watches Lloyd’s eyes shutter at the mention of his father, and wonders if his entire life is enough to fix whatever’s been broken with his own.

In other words, Jay decides to be a coward.

Ironically enough, however, it ends up being Lloyd that encourages him to go. Not that he realizes that.

“Don’t bother making extra for dinner tonight, Zane,” Lloyd announces wearily, as he trudges through the kitchen. “My mom’s on the road again.”

Zane blinks at that, then frowns. “Where is she off to now?”

“Don’t know,” Lloyd says shortly, before promptly stalking off toward the rooftop exit. Jay and Zane stand there in silence for a moment, Zane still methodically stirring the rice. Then he turns to Jay, and fixes him with a look.

“Grumpy-about-parents Lloyd is normally Nya’s job, you know,” Jay huffs, but he relents, following Lloyd’s quiet footsteps to the roof. Lloyd’s curled up in his usual spot, close enough to the edge that it frightened the life out of Kai the first time they found him. Jay doesn’t exactly get why, because Lloyd’s sad, yeah, but he’s not—

Well, maybe Kai’s just scared Lloyd’ll trip and fall off the roof. That’s what Jay’s choosing to believe, for his own sake.

Either way, Lloyd looks pretty sad now, so Jay plops himself right down next to him with a huff, neatly startling Lloyd so badly he almost does trip right off the roof.

“Woah, hey, it’s just me,” Jay says quickly, throwing his hands up. Lloyd glares at him, and Jay makes a face. “Don’t give me that, you’re the one that’s supposed to have ninja reflexes.”

“Hmph,” Lloyd grumbles, wrapping his arms back around his knees, but he looks slightly less likely to zap Jay’s nervous system full of energy, so he takes that as a go-ahead.

“So, your mom, huh,” Jay starts, with all the intent of comforting Lloyd and comforting Lloyd alone. “Hey, random question, but how did, um, why’d you decide to let her back into your life, in the first place?”

“What?” Lloyd stares at him. Jay cringes. Oops, that wasn’t supposed to come out. Classic Walker, he’s brought his own issues right into the middle of it, like an absolute selfish—

Great, now he wants to throw himself off the roof.

“Sorry, sorry, forget I said that,” Jay babbles, desperately trying to re-route the conversation. “Just — forget I opened my mouth, okay? Please?”

Lloyd shakes his head, looking more concerned than sad now. He’s even unfolded from his tight little Lloyd-angst-ball, which Jay would count as a victory if it weren’t for all the wrong reasons. “Jay, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course!” Jay blusters. Lloyd stares at him. Jay gives him a bright smile back. Lloyd continues to stare.

“Okay, fine, not really, but — that’s not why I came up here,” Jay admits, cheeks flushing.

Lloyd’s eyebrows furrow in concern. “Is everything…okay with your parents?” His voice is tentative, as if he’s almost scared of Jay’s response, and Jay can’t have that.

“My parents are fine,” he replies, firmly. “But, uh, thanks for asking. I’m just…” Jay trails off, abruptly realizing that explaining this is going to require mentioning Cliff Gordon, which is going to require mentioning that he’s adopted, which is going to require explaining why he hasn’t told the rest of his team this. None of which are options Jay wants to explore at the moment, so he desperately tries to backtrack.

Lloyd, faithfully caring brother that he is to the bitter end, beats him to it. “Well, even if they are fine, um. To answer your question, I guess I…I needed to know.” He blows his breath out, glancing out over the skyline, half-broken buildings forming dark silhouettes against the setting sun. “I needed to know why she - she left me. If it was me, or if it was her, or…whatever, you know?” Lloyd bites his lip, and Jay suddenly feels like a horrible person for putting him through the mother thing right after the father thing’s been blown to smithereens.

And yet.

“Yeah, I get that,” Jay says quietly, letting it sink in. And he does, really. More than he thought he would, and this is probably a big glaring sign from the heavens, huh.

“But I don’t know,” Lloyd continues, sounding small as his hands tug on a frayed thread from a torn spot in his gi. “Maybe sometimes it’s better to cut people out entirely, too.”

He looks terribly worn when he says that, too young and too old for his age all at once, and Jay decides he hates the expression on his youngest brother.

“I’ll remember that, next time you steal the last of my coffee stash,” he says.

Lloyd gives a startled huff of laughter, before jabbing him in the side with his elbow. “That’s not what I meant,” he rolls his eyes, but there’s a smile edging his mouth now — not quite the Lloyd smile he’s used to, but it’s not as frail as it’s been, either. Lloyd doesn’t look so much like porcelain that’s been stepped on anymore, and the proud spark of joy Jay feels from that is enough to convince him that it’s a good idea.

He did promise Cliff Gordon he would, after all, and besides — knowing can’t be that bad, and Jay’s a firm believer in the wisdom of knowledge, and all that.

He’s also a firm believer of closure, but he’s stopped claiming to be one, since it probably comes off pretty hypocritical lately.

************

Jay doesn’t tell anyone where he’s going. He doesn’t even tell them he’s going at all, he just…waits for a convenient opportunity to slip out when no one will notice.

He wishes he had. He wishes he’d told Cole, told Nya or - or anyone he was going, and at the same time he’s glad he told no one at all. He’s not quite sure he could bear anyone else seeing whatever look’s on his face right now, on top of everything else.

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” the woman at the estate tells him, her eyes teary. “Cliff Gordon passed away a month ago.”

That…doesn't make sense, at first. It takes a minute, to sink through the odd roaring noise in Jay’s ears, and finally reach his brain.

“Passed…away,” he repeats, blankly.

The lady nods, looking at him with so much pity Jay kind of wants to kick her shins. “It was his heart, poor man. He hasn’t been so well the last few years, you know.”

“Right.” Jay feels a little like he does when he’d used to jump off his dragon, except this time he’s been tossed from it and he’s free-falling to a short and sudden stop.

“Did you know him?” she asks, curiously.

Jay tries to make some form of response, like “I was his son”, except all that comes out is a whole bunch of nothing. Nothing, just like what’s left in Jay’s head. He blinks rapidly, trying to banish the image seared into his brain.

Cliff Gordon’s eyes, bright and painfully hopeful.

You’ll come visit me sometime, will you?

Jay swallows thickly. “Sorry, if you’ll, uh — excuse me, I think lunch was bad.” Then he ducks for the nearby bushes, and proceeds to be horribly sick.

He tells himself, through heaving gasps, that the hot tears are only reflexive.

************

And that’s that. Jay, stupid, selfish Jay, waited too long and now he’s lost his chance forever. Because he was — what, scared? Nervous?

He’s not scared now. He kind of just hates himself, which isn’t the newest thing in the world, but this time it burns like the worst of scrapes and crawls up on him in the middle of the night, screaming what-if’s into his brain until Jay’s biting down on his pillow before he starts screaming himself.

It hurts, but he’s got no one to blame but himself. Jay messed this up all his own and he sure as heck doesn’t deserve any sympathy from his team for it. So he’s not going to even give them the chance, because they’ll never know. Jay will take this secret to the grave, because imagining the looks on everyone else’s face when he tells them he ruined this makes him want to put himself in the grave.

How long did he wait for Jay, how long did he—

Jay’s just going to drive himself insane with his own stupid brain and that’s that.

Well, that’s supposed to be that. It would’ve been that, except Cole is perceptive and Cole knows him too well, and Cole spots the look on his face when he’s telling him everything he’s found out about his mother, since Jay can’t even hide that from him.

And maybe Jay’s just weak, or so desperate for some form of reassurance or - or attention that he cracks, and spills the whole sorry thing to Cole. To his undying credit, Cole doesn’t even look like he despises Jay once. Instead, he looks at him with all this sympathy and kindness and oh, if Jay was a crier—

Well, actually, Jay is a crier, and ends up bawling into Cole’s gi at two in the morning, but what else is new.

The important thing is that Cole is Jay’s very best friend and possibly favorite person in the whole entire world, and Jay is going to murder him in cold blood for dragging him to Cliff Gordon’s estate and forcing their way in.

“If he cared enough to want to meet you, he’ll have cared enough to leave you in his will,” Cole reminds him, staunchly. “He knows how busy your life was, so I’ll bet you anything he understood.”

“Stop trying to make me feel better,” Jay hisses, as Cole manhandles him down the mansion’s — the mansion’s! — hallways. “I don’t deserve it.”

“For the love of—” Cole cuts off with an exasperated huff. “It is not your fault this happened. This is not on you. How many times are we going to have to do this, Jay.”

“Until the time you let me wallow in miserable peace,” Jay mutters. What does Cole know, it’s not like he totally bailed on his parent and then let them die. Not that Jay could do anything about that last part, sure, but the rest of it.

Cole stops them in one of the massive living rooms, finally fixing Jay with one of those stares. Uh oh.

“At least read the letter,” Cole says, suddenly pleading. “You don’t have to look at anything else if you don’t want to, but please read the letter. For me?”

Oh, Jay hates him. He tells him so, even as his glare falters in the face of Cole’s stupid puppy eyes.

“Is that a yes?” Cole replies hopefully, offering the letter they were handed with the estate key. Jay gives him a last, withering glare before snatching the letter from him.

“You’re the worst,” he mutters, as he tears open the envelope with shaky fingers. He hesitates for a beat, before mustering whatever pathetic courage he has and tugging the paper out, unfolding it as his eyes find the carefully scrawled words.

My dear Jay—

He promptly bursts into tears.

“Jay wha — Jay what’s wrong, is it that bad?” Cole is frantic as he hovers over him, his hands half-caught between reaching for Jay and reaching for the letter in his hands. Jay shakes his head, trying to stifle the sudden waterfall’s worth of tears that decided to make an appearance, and clutches the paper tighter.

Cole makes an anxious sound. “Jay, you know he’s — if he’s said something bad, it’s — he doesn’t know anything, right?”

Oh no, now Jay wants to cry harder. Cole sounds desperately concerned, kind and caring and genuine like Cole always is, and Jay feels like the worst person in the world.

Stupid, Jay, he scolds himself hotly, swiping angrily at his eyes. Stupid, selfish Jay. He’s got nothing to be crying about. Zane only had one dad, and he doesn’t go around whining about it. Lloyd’s got one dad who’s died three times, and may as well be dead now ‘cause he’s such a jerk. Kai and Nya didn’t even have any parents until last year. And Cole lost his mom who he loved, he loved so much, and he’s still here supporting Jay — stupid, selfish Jay, who’s got two entire stable parents who he’s never once doubted love him, and yet here he is, crying over the one he never really knew.

“Jay,” Cole tries again, quieter this time. “Jay, you’re allowed to be sad about your dad. It’s not a contest.”

Stupid, perceptive Cole.

“He said he loves me,” Jay finally croaks, swiping at the tears all over his face. “He didn’t even know me, Cole, how was he supposed to know that?”

Cole’s eyes soften, all melty and gross. “You’re his son, Jay, he knew you.” His lips quirk up in a smile. “Besides, he talked to you once, right? You make some pretty impactful first impressions, motormouth.”

Jay can’t decide whether to be insulted or more flattered than he’s been in the last six months. He decides to punch Cole weakly in the shoulder, before crying harder. Cole doesn’t even flinch at the hit, built like a rock as he is, and simply snatches Jay’s arm and tugs him close, wrapping his arms around him tightly. And oh, Jay wants to pull away, he doesn’t want to break down in his dead father’s mansion like this, Jay doesn’t have a lot of dignity but he’s at least got his shreds, but—

Cole gives the best stupid hugs in the world, and what’s Jay gonna do, deny such instant love and comfort? The risk of hurting Cole’s feelings far outweighs Jay’s tattered dignity, he tells himself. That’s why he clings to Cole like an overgrown barnacle and wails into his shoulder like a broken faucet. That’s the only reason, obviously.

“It’s okay to cry, you big moron,” Cole says after he’s calmed down, briefly squeezing tighter. “I get it. But you really should read more than the first lines of that thing. I think…I think it’ll help.”

“This is all I’ve got, though,” Jay sniffles. “I don’t — I lost any other connection I’ve got to him.”

“Sometimes you just gotta work with what you have,” Cole says gently, a little bitter, a little sweet. “And somehow, you have to make it enough.”

Jay pauses at that, thinking back to the statue miles and miles beneath a mountain, the delicate locket Cole had turned over in his fingers. He looks back to the letter in his hands, the lines and lines of all the words his father left for him, and remembers Lloyd’s words about knowing.

His fingers tighten on the edges of his letter. Jay, he decides, is done being scared. He’s got Cole at his side — what’s he got to be afraid of, anyways?

“Okay,” he says, swiping once more at his eyes, and giving Cole a watery smile. “Okay. Help me read through the whole thing?”

“I wore my old sweatshirt for a reason,” Cole replies, making a show of wringing his sleeve out. Jay whacks him with the envelope, but the laugh he shudders out feels real, this time. He gently spreads the letter out atop his lap, focusing on the words again.

It’ll be enough. It’ll sting, but…it’ll be enough.

Like Lloyd’s tattered photograph, like Cole’s mother’s last words — it has to be.

#lego ninjago #ninjago #jay walker #cole brookstone #lloyd garmadon #since they're both...fairly present at points gdnkfgj #i just have many feelings about jay apparently T-T #my fic #answered

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asthmark · 5 years ago

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❝ ride ❞, m.l

[3:17 PM] where r u??

[3:18 PM] i just came out of 6th period. i'm in front of the school

[3:19 PM] hello??

[3:19 PM] wendy!!!!

[3:21 PM] jeez if ur not gonna pick me up u could at least text back :((

you press send and sigh, turning your phone off and sliding it into your pocket. you knew Wendy wasn't going to reply or pick you up (despite having promised to) anytime soon. it looked like you would be walking home. you had only been standing outside your school for a couple minutes but the sun had already let it's rays shine on you mercilessly.

the walk home was about half an hour. you were positive you were going to end up melting before you even got halfway there. you're just about to start the journey when a white Honda pulls up to the curb in front of you so slowly that it catches your attention. you freeze in your tracks, watching as the window rolls down even slower (you're almost positive it's for dramatic effect) to reveal who's in the driver's seat.

sitting behind the wheel is none other than Mark Lee. new kid from Canada Mark Lee. always asking for a pencil in history class Mark Lee.

"hi." he gives you a lop-sided grin. he's wearing a white tee under a flannel that fits him so loose he's left it completely unbuttoned. you also notice that underneath his cap (with the Canadian flag proudly displayed on it) his hair is now dark. did he dye it... black? that was new. you only ever saw Mark Lee in passing but you were used to the innocent, brunette look. this was bold... in a good way, of course. a really good way.

"hey," you respond, realizing you've spent far too long just observing him.

"um, Wendy had some sort of emergency—don't ask what it is because she didn't want to tell me. and i'm really good at bothering people until they give me an answer."

you snort. "well, i'm pretty good at blowing people's phones up until they text back yet here we are."

he chuckles. "i've been trusted with the task of driving you home. i'm Mark, by the way."

you bite back an 'i know'.

"you're Y/N, right?" he asks.

you nod. "that's me."

"cool. first name basis. we're officially not strangers anymore. now you can get in my car without it being weird."

you can't help but smile as you open the door to the passengers seat. "taking extra precautions, i see."

you buckle up and Mark takes the opportunity to readjust his hat, his fingers raking through his hair once. it has more of an effect on you than it should. "hey, i'm almost positive i got more manners than any other guy that's asking you to get into his car with him."

"does that mean you have experience when it comes to picking random girls up?" you ask, quirking a brow.

he giggles. you've heard it dozens of times in every class you had him in but this time you actually join him and laugh for yourself. "'course not! this is a favor." he stops at a red light and takes the moment to glance at you. "you know, i was happy, when Wendy told me it was you i would be picking up. actually... i was kind of, really excited."

you can't hold back your shock. "really? even though we've never actually had a proper conversation before today?"

he hums in confirmation. "yeah, i mean, i always see you around. you seem like fun. my type of girl." your heart speeds up at that. "besides, any friend of Wendy's must be mad chill."

"well, it's super nice of you to think that. if i were you, i would feel like i was missing out, if anything."

Mark furrows his eyebrows. "how come?"

"because Wendy is popular, dude. she's friends with all the cheerleaders and yearbook committee. you know, the important people. you could be driving Irene around right now instead of me. she's been nominated the visual of our school for three years in a row, you know."

Mark is so confused and expresses it by stuttering over his every word. "wh-okay, first of all, i don't even know who Irene is. second of all, i'm perfectly fine driving you around. i'm more than just fine, actually. i like you."

your eyes turn to him so quickly but before you can say anything, he continues. "you know because Wendy was one of my first friends here and she always talks about you! so, it's like we're already friends. we've just never actually talked so it feels good to finally put a face to a name. well, not that i don't already know what you look like. in fact, i think i look at you more than anyone else in any of my classes. not in a weird way! i just... get bored and you're nice to look at."

you stay quiet, focusing only at how Mark's hands grip the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turn white.

he cringed at the awkward silence that settles upon the car, inwardly beating himself up to letting his mini crush on you slip out like that. he'd probably already blown his chances with you before you even became friends. but then you speak up.

"i knew you stare at me in math class! i could feel it!" you exclaim and Mark is trapped between being confused or relieved. why did you sound... excited?

"wait, so you're not like, creeped out by me like, staring and stuff?"

"as long as you don't mind me staring back." Mark nearly chokes. "you can't possibly expect me not to, especially with that new hair of yours."

he smiles, widely. "you actually wanna stare at me?" his voice raises slightly higher, as he turns to face you, eyes filled with in hope.

"eyes on the road, oh my god!" you say, laughing when the car behind you honks in frustration at your lack of movement at a green light.

"oh, sorry!" he apologizes, despite knowing the driver won't hear him.

you shake your head, smile still prominent on your face. "you're so cute, Mark," you say, as an afterthought, not expecting him to hear it.

he does. and the car swerves out of its lane, Mark exclaiming, "you think i'm cute?!"

you cling to your seat as the car moves, wildly. "tell you what, if you get me to my house in one piece, i promise we'll go out on a date or something right after but please just don't crash, bro."

Mark's eyes light up at the word "date" and you end up going even faster than before.

##bonus:

"there you are!"

Wendy looks up from her phone, smiling as she watches you and Mark approach her, seeming very close to each other. "here i am! looks like having Mark pick you up wasn't my worst decision yet, hm?"

you just shrug and Mark wets his lips, before he speaks. "probably your best idea yet." he smiles when you playfully bump his arm with your own.

"actually, i've been meaning to ask; what was that emergency you had to get to anyway?" you ask, folding your arms beneath your chest.

it's almost comical how fast Wendy's face changes. her jaw drops slightly and her eyes dart around, uncomfortably. "oh, um, i felt super duper sick. went straight home and took a nap."

"uh huh," you say, nodding as if you believe the lie. "is that why you had sent me over twenty texts and tried to call me three times as soon as i told you Mark had dropped me off?"

"i wanted to see how it went! sheesh, you set someone up and this is how they repay you." she rolls her eyes, obviously not noticing how she gave herself away.

"set someone up?" Mark repeats acting confused. he faces you. "Y/N, i think someone's been playing cupid."

"i think so, Mark. i didn't think you could play cupid when you were 'super duper' sick," you respond, tapping your chin, dramatically.

Mark chuckles at the way you effortlessly play along so well with his jokes and you copy him, giggling yourself.

"oh no," Wendy groans, watching you two laugh like dorks. "they're a match made in heaven."

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folkelorde · 5 years ago

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* / GUIDE: CHARACTERS AT A NEWSPAPER.

hi, hello ! here’s just a guide for creating a character who works in a newsroom/for a newspaper. most of this is drawn from personal experience (+ my parents’ experiences) but i did some googling on your behalf as well. this guide isn’t just because i wanna see more accuracy, but also because there’s a lot of things about this environment that would be fun to write that i don’t really see being taken advantage of. so, check out under the cut for all my tips.

note: if you have any questions about your journalist or journalist-adjacent muse, i’m happy to try and help answer ! let me know if you have more questions this guide doesn’t cover, i just went to the points that might be most helpful for your muse plot-wise.

1. WHERE IS THE NEWSPAPER LOCATED/WHAT KIND IS IT? this makes a huge difference.

the environment in a small town paper is going to be a lot more lowkey and casual than a larger city paper.

most large papers are now all owned by big companies so really unless they’re the nytimes, they’re suffering because of constant budget cuts, layoffs, etc, that affect their ability to report the stories that the people in their area care about. they’re generally just pulling from AP articles. small town papers these days are mainly weekly or biweekly.

another thing that has become really popular (at least in the US) are altweeklies. there’s probably one of these in your state, and they generally have a huge focus on narrative journalism, come out weekly, and almost have a magazine-like feel? most probably started out as arts publications but now do a lot of news coverage to make up for the lack of coverage in their area. these are generally independently owned. if you’re curious, there’s a whole list of them here.

essentially, if you’ve got a larger, conventional paper, it’s probably consolidating and the workers are suffering. if you’re in a tiny small town paper, it’s probably chill and if there’s ever any kind of real news, it’s the story of the fucking year. and if you’re at an altweekly, you’re kind of in the middle and maybe new to reporting news, since you have to make up for what your big city paper isn’t doing.

2. WHAT DOES YOUR CHARACTER DO? there are more people at a newspaper than writers and photographers! in fact, a lot of newspapers don’t really have staff photographers any more, just an army of freelance ones that they call on. here are some ideas for positions that your character can have:

intern: if your character is a writer under 25, they’re probably an intern. internships sometimes blossom into full-time gigs, if the paper is doing well enough to hire someone new on.

staff writer: if your character is under 30, they’re probably one of the youngest people, if not the youngest, especially if they work in news (arts sections might have a few more younger people, but i’ve never really met a reputable news writer that wasn’t 30+). writers DO NOT spend much time in the office at all and are often on the go, running around, working from home, whatever, and popping into the office for meetings and such. seriously, they’re never there.

freelance writer: maybe your character writes niche things on the side for a publication, like movie reviews, a political column, book reviews, etc. i know a woman that’s really into opera and she wrote into our paper asking if she could write about that so whenever there’s an opera she writes about it and that’s it. generally the people who have a column (doing reviews of some kind especially) are freelance and don’t work for the paper full time. so if your character is like a “book reviewer,” maybe consider having them do something else too. tbh, they’re probably an author.

editor: this depends SO MUCH on the size of the paper. at the paper where i work, there’s a news editor and an arts editor. however, a tiny paper probably just has one editor for everything, and a larger paper probably has an editor for each and every section. so consider the size when you consider your character’s role, and seriously, if your character is younger, they will NOT be in this position. managing editors don’t rly exist any more unless you’re like the nytimes or something. even then.

data journalists/data editor: again depending on the size of your paper, there’s probably one or no people that do this. however, this is becoming a crucial part of most newsrooms – people that do data analytics, build charts, work with lots of spreadsheets. these people do a lot of great shit and have been the frontrunners on a lot of big stories as of late. also, whenever you’re reading something and it’s got charts and graphs, it’s probably a data person behind that. this is really crucial with politics and elections, but also with all of the incoming data about climate change.

web people: even the smallest fucking newsroom probably has one person who’s doing all the website stuff. web is just as important as print these days, as you probably know, and the only people surviving without good websites are the tiny small town papers because that’s a really niche market. but even they have websites, even if they’re not too snazzy!

designers: so important!! these are the people that are at the office ALL THE FUCKING TIME, mainly because they can’t really do their work from home and they’re working on deadline, not only with the writers/editors but with the sales department too. where i work, the designers are loud and crass and fun and they’re all super close friends because like i said, they’re there all the time and a lot of late nights working on the paper and on ads and stuff.

photographers: like i said, they’re mostly freelance and they want to be. but maybe if they have a really good relationship with the paper and have been there a while, they might have a full-time gig. jonathan byers would not have a full time job in 2019.

sales team: even at the smallest of papers, there’s a good chance the sales team is the biggest team on staff. this is how newspapers rake in money, unless they’re on a nonprofit model, and in that case they probably don’t really have a sales team because they’re entirely funded by the readers (it works like NPR). sales team is probably in and out of the office a lot because they’re making sales calls and full of some interesting characters, you know, like on the office lmao. because of their relationships with businesses, it’s not uncommon for them to be the first ones to hear about a story OR to be the ones bitched at when a story portrays someone unfavorably, especially if its someone who advertises w the paper.

marketing/social media: nonexistent in a small town paper, but otherwise, this is becoming a more crucial part of newspapers. a lot of newspapers also put on community events, so there’s a lot of event planning and promotion involved here too.

secretary: a good job for a younger muse, probably answering phones and the door and organizing the calendar and helping with the classifieds and all of that bullshit. this person has to be a real people person. they’re also probably at the office all the time.

publisher: head honcho! they generally own the damn place and make the calls on all the big picture decisions. if they’re not the owner, they’re still CEO-adjacent, yk?

3. YOUR MUSE PROBABLY WORKS WEIRD HOURS. like almost definitely. the news cycle is 24 hours and even if your character isn’t reporting on breaking news, they’re operating around other people’s schedules to get the story or put it in place, AND, yes, they’re probably working around breaking news or dealing with a crisis. or, unexpectedly, a story can go viral and that affects everyone in the office too. so, sometimes your muse might go into work at 11am and stay until 8pm or they’ll get called in at random times or have to go. this can lead to conflicts with other muses who don’t quite understand, or affect relationships when there’s an important moment and your muse has to jet off for work. it’s nice to keep in mind that your muse probably doesn’t just work 9-5. your muse also likely works holidays and such too, and if they’re not working, they’ve got their phone on them. always gotta be plugged in. more conflict!

4. LAYOFFS. it’s impossible to talk about the industry without it. here’s a story my coworker told me the other day: “i just started my job at [redacted large paper] and the company was going through layoffs. since i was the new guy right out of college, i thought i’d be the first to go. but i wasn’t. they kept me and started laying off all the old-timers, people who had been with the paper forever.” – THIS IS A HUGE STRAT FOR THESE CORPORATE PAPERS. it’s actually cheaper for them to keep the newer workers and lay off the people who have accrued a lot of benefits and pto and are close to retirement and such. this could be an interesting angle for a younger muse who’s pushed into a position of a lot of responsibility that they weren’t prepared for, or a muse who was at a paper and is layed off and now works for a smalltown type of paper – could be a fun sort of muse to play in your typical “small town” rps – some bigwig talent that’s now struggling after being laid off. the big name to know is gannett, who owns a huge majority of papers in places big and small, but they’re now merging with gatehouse...which is leading to even more consolidation right now.

p.s. if you’re curious, my coworker was eventually laid off from said [redacted large paper] later on

5. THE BIG SCOOP. your muse probably isn’t constantly on the scoop of the century, even at a big paper. especially if your muse is younger, they’re probably not being given that responsibility. so, if part of your plot is that your muse is breaking a big story, they probably don’t do that sort of thing all the time and it’s a big deal to them! it’s also not unusual for a writer to be working on a story over a long, long period of time, especially if it’s a very big story, or for them to be covering it in bites (like a murder trial).

6. JACK OF ALL TRADES? writers especially are sort of expected to have a lot more proficiencies than just writing. you gotta be able to shoot your own videos and pictures too, add your posts to the web, so on. there’s more to it than just ‘writing,’ as you probably know. keep that in mind, although your muse might not LIKE that they need to do all of these things.

7. FOLLOWING THE LAW! you’ve got to let people know that you’re interrogating them for the news, that they’re on the record, all of that shit. it’s hugely unethical if you don’t, and you can’t just be publishing people’s photos without their permission. you see a lot of movies where journalists go undercover and don’t tell people that they’re interrogating them for the paper and that probably wouldn’t happen (gale weathers from the scream movies would’ve been sued so fast for all of her defamation). also, newspapers spend a LOT of time dealing with government bureaucracy. like you expect a records request to get answered within the legal time frame, but it never fucking does, and often times you’re waiting on the state or even suing them for not sending you the records but they don’t give a fuck, they’re the state. it can be a lot of jumping over hurdles and through hoops to get any kind of info from the government...especially from the police. so even if information is supposed to be public, sometimes it can be a challenge to get, and maybe something your muse can struggle with. if your muse is in a roleplay where government workers are also present, this could be a fun plot/conflict to play out.

#rpt #rpc #rpcha #rph #rpa #guide #*

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its-always-the-witching-hour · 5 years ago

Text

Chapter 5 of Apocalyptic Au - Sanders Sides

Word count - 1422

Pairings - Some platonic stuff, but nothing major

Warnings - (spoilers) panic attacks, zombies, blood, a bit of self doubt

Characters - Virgil Tempest, Roman Regalis, Logan Thesis, Patton Chastity

Previous chapter - Next chapter

“Pat, you are one of the best and sweetest beings in existence, but for the love of all things Disney, could you please hurry up!?”

“Sorry kiddo,” Paton giggled as he stuffed his possessions into a rucksack, “but I’m going as fast as I can.”

“Roman, please do as some people say, and ‘chill’” Logan looked over at the person in question, who was bouncing up and down with unrestraint energy.

“No can do, pocket calculator, I am going to see my brother today, and I literally can’t wait, so can we go already?”

“…and done! Let’s go!” Patton slung the bag over his shoulder and joined the others.

“Yes!” Roman took off, sprinting ahead of the others.

“Does he know where we’re going?” Virgil, who was slightly alarmed at Roman’s eagerness, asked the others, “because I’m pretty sure I came from over there,” he pointed in the opposite direction of where Roman was currently running at top speed, which was slightly faster than the average dog.

“You are correct that you came from over there, Anxiety. I am not entirely sure that Roman knows that either.”

“I’ll go get him.” Patton started to jog after the overly enthusiastic teen, when Virgil grabbed his arm and pulled him gently back.

“Not yet, I – uh, it’s just,” Virgil sighed and looked away, “what if Remus is actually dead, and Roman will think that it’s my fault because I ran away, and it’s actually probably my fault because I left them and Roman will hate me and you guys will hate me and I’ll have no where to go so I will probably die of starvation or get eaten by the zombies, or, or,” he realized he was hyperventilating, and Patton and Logan were looking at him with concern.

“Anxiety, even if the worst did happen, we wouldn’t kick you out. You’re our friend, even if we haven’t known you for very long.” Patton tried to hug Virgil, but he flinched away at the first touch of Patton’s hands. “Please kiddo…”

Virgil started to rake his hands through his hair, pulling at it harshly. “You don’t understand; it ALWAYS ends up like this, with me running away from the things that matter.”

Logan gently took Virgil’s hands, and held them in front of him to prevent him from pulling at his hair.

“Anxiety, look at me.” Virgil slowly raised his head up to meet Logan’s calm gaze. “We are not mad at you, and we will never force you to try and survive on your own. You will always be welcome with us. Now, could you please hug Patton while I go get Roman.”

Virgil nodded mutely, and allowed himself to be pulled into an embrace by Patton, his shoulders shaking as silent tears ran down his face. It seemed like they stood there for eternity, with Patton rubbing soothing circles on Virgil’s back as he sucked in heaving breaths, attempting to get his breathing under control.

“What did I miss?” Roman, who was slightly out of breath stood next to them, watching with a mix of confusion and concern.

“Uh, nothing.” Virgil backed out of the hug, wiping furiously at his eyes. Patton looked slightly disappointed that the hug had ended, but gave Virgil his respective space.

“We were just waiting for you, Roman.” Patton smiled brightly at him, but he still didn’t look convinced.

“Okay? Well, can we go now? This time Anxiety can lead, because he knows where Remus is.”

Virgil, who was still feeling the effects of the panic attack, tried to gather his emotions and put on a calm look. “Sure, if I remember the way, that is.”

“Let’s go!”

------

“Where are we?”

“For the last time, I don’t know!”

“Kiddo, try to calm down.”

“No Patton, you don’t understand; Dee and Remus could be in serious trouble right now!”

“Anxiety, it would be highly unlikely that in this short amount of time something as bad as you are thinking of has happened.”

Virgil stopped in his tracks and spun around to face Logan. “Have you forgotten that the last time I saw them we were being chased by zombies!? Or do you just not care?”

“Kiddo, breathe.” Patton placed a hand on Virgil’s arm, “Logan didn’t mean it that way. He was just saying to think of positive outcomes instead of just negative ones.”

“Sorry Logan.”

“It’s okay, Anxiety, I know that you are just worried.”

“That’s an understatement.” Virgil muttered under his breath as they all started walking again.

“Hey, Anxiety, do you recognize any of the buildings around here?” Roman, who had been walking in silent determination up until that point gestured at the houses surrounding them.

“Well, this building style does look kind of familiar, I think I have been around here once.” Virgil tried to remember when he had seen the type of architecture that surrounded him, but the memory eluded him.

“Guys? I don’t think we’re alone…” Patton whispered, causing everyone to freeze.

“Are you sure?” Roman hissed back, “It might have just been a bird.”

“No!” Patton insisted quietly, “I saw human shaped shadows down an ally back there, and I heard something that definitely wasn’t an animal.”

A heavy knot of fear had now formed in Virgil’s stomach, and he was finding it hard to breathe. “Patton? I-I think I’m having a panic attack.” Patton’s head whipped around and locked eyes with Virgil, who was starting to shake violently.

“Roman, could you, carefully, look around to see if anything dangerous is watching us? If there is anything, do not try and fight it. You know how well that ended up last time. Logan, help me get Anxiety out of here to a safer place.”

“Got it.” Roman snuck off with a sheepish expression, which in a different situation would have caused Virgil to actually crack a smile.

Patton stood protectively on one side of Virgil and Logan on the other as they slowly continued their way down the open street, glancing at every area something zombie-sized could potentially hide. They were barely halfway down the road when Roman came sprinting up to them at top speed, his eyes wild with fear and a little excitement.

“Guys! I found a sword!” He brandished it in front of him, causing the others to back away in order to not get stabbed.

“Why was there a random sword lying in the street?” Logan asked, disbelief written all over his face.

“I found it in an ally. There were also a lot of zombies there, which is why I was running, did I mention that?”

“Why didn’t you tell us that first!”

“I thought the sword would be more interesting…”

“Roman, we are literally in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, and you thought that mentioning the fact we were being stalked by some wasn’t interesting!” Virgil yelled, causing Roman to look guilty.

“Now that you mention it-”

“Oh NOW you see the danger we are in! It hadn’t occurred to you before?”

“Please stop fighting! If Roman is right, we need to get out of here fast! You can continue this argument another time if it is that important to you, but right now we need to run!” Patton grabbed Virgil’s arm and started half dragging him down the street, forcing him to run. Logan did the same with Roman, and soon they were running as fast as they could, with a now growing horde of zombies following.

“Over here! Let’s hide in this gas station!” Roman, who had broken free from Logan was gesturing wildly at the others as they ran over to him. Patton and Virgil wove through the aisles towards the middle of the store while Roman and Logan used fallen shelves and bits of timber from the crumbling roof to barricade every entryway to the store.

“I-I recognize this place.” Virgil realized, standing up suddenly, “This is where I hid yesterday with Remus and Devan! They might still be here!”

Roman quickly turned around at the mention of his brother, and jogged over to Virgil. “We should start looking for them immediately!” he grabbed Virgil’s arm in excited hope, who shook him off just as fast.

“… no need.” Logan’s voice, heavy with disappoint and sadness came from the cash register. “I think I may have found them.”

The others rushed over to where Logan was standing. On the floor in front of him were two people, their clothes ripped and covered in blood, but still unmistakably Remus and Devan.

Tag list!

@pastelbootybomb @firey-alex @phoenixdoesstuff @aimasup @yesicanbelieveitsnotbutter @dierotenixe @astraheart04 @lovelilijazunde @feralratt @elementalshadowwitch @sanderssidesocfanstuff @oofmood @holliberries @authorized-trash @decentsanders @cass-withsass @amintyworld @sanderssidesweirdo @its-logan-appreciation-day @contemplativespectrum @cattail-breeze @notkolaidoscop @xsoftangelx@mtgsaske @the-melody-of-eliza @awesomefanderhufflepotato

#sanders sides #virgil sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #zombie warning #zombie apocalypse au

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pastelwitchling · 5 years ago

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This prompt is courtesy of @sp-ac-ep-re-si-de-nt.

Prompt: Liz, Isobel, alex, and Michael hanging out. Maybe watching a movie or binging some tv show. (I just think the four of them in a room together would be hilarious and snarky as fuck)

***

“This isn’t vinegar, it’s sour cream,” Isobel protested, thrusting the bag of chips at Liz who looked like she was using every bit of her willpower to keep from strangling the blonde.

If Alex wasn’t so comfortable with his head on Michael’s lap, the cowboy’s fingers raking through his hair, he might’ve been more wary about that. As it was, Max had asked Liz and Isobel to spend some time together, hoping that it would help them bond and maybe not want to jump at each other’s throats every time they saw each other. Liz wouldn’t do it without Alex, and Isobel wouldn’t show up without Michael, which worked fine for Alex and Michael as neither of them would’ve been willing to endure tonight without each other.

“I just grabbed a bunch of random flavors,” Liz said, her voice calm, but her nails dug into the bag as she handed it to Alex behind her. “I didn’t really pay a lot of attention.”

“God, you work in a lab,” Isobel muttered. “Really comforting to know detail’s not your thing.”

Michael snickered, and Alex saw Liz’s jaw clench. Alex tapped his arm, silently telling him to stop encouraging this. Liz and Isobel wanted to sit on the floor, probably because sitting on the couch meant being forced to share the same space.

Alex still remembered Max’s face when he and Liz had shown up at his place to get Isobel (Liz, after all, didn’t have the directions to Alex’s cabin), and instead of entrusting Michael with the request, the sheriff had pulled Alex aside, and quietly asked him to make sure they talk. Even though Liz and her sister both knew that Isobel wasn’t the one that had killed Rosa, and even with Rosa back now, the tension between Ortecho and Isobel was strained. And if Rosa had a problem with someone, it meant Liz had a problem with someone. Max, Alex suspected, knew that he wasn’t asking for any simple favor, but his eyes had been so full of trust, as if he knew that if anyone could do this, it would be Alex. Alex didn’t know why Max believed it so blindly, but he appreciated it nonetheless.

Maybe it was to soothe her, maybe it was to make her laugh, but Alex reached over and rubbed Isobel’s shoulder. Something in her seemed to ease and she leaned back against the couch, her eyes on the TV as Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams continued to have a heavy breakup. There was a time when any breakup reminded Alex of his own. Now, as he felt Michael’s warmth beneath him, protecting him, all he could do was hope that he didn’t fall asleep too soon.

“We calling this a night or what?” Michael suddenly said into the silence, and Alex understood why Max hadn’t pulled his brother aside instead of him.

“The movie hasn’t even started, Michael,” Isobel said.

“What do you mean? They broke up, look, they’re breaking up, we’re done.”

“No, they still—” Alex tried not to laugh, “the real plot starts years later, when they’re both adults.”

“Yeah, see, they’re fast-forwarding,” Liz said.

After a moment, Michael spoke up again. “Anybody die in this?”

“Oh my – Michael, shut up and watch the movie, or I’ll put you in a coma until it’s over.”

“No,” Alex said tiredly, turning his face into Michael’s lap. “I need him.”

“No, hey, don’t fall asleep,” Liz turned from where she sat and nudged Alex’s arm once she noticed his eyes had closed.

“M’not,” he mumbled, sighing against Michael’s jeans.

“You really need him to babysit you guys?” Alex heard Michael say, his hands tightening around the airman almost protectively, and Alex was far too comfortable as he felt himself nearly drifting to dreamland to bother protesting. “He didn’t get any sleep last night.”

“Why not?” Liz’s concerned voice sounded at the same time that Alex felt a nudge on his shoulder and Isobel said, “Too bad, I need him awake!”

“If you need him so much, then why’d you ask me to come?”

“Alex would never have agreed to do this if you didn’t.”

“Wow, some sister!”

“You know I love you, but I need a level head who’ll actually give a crap, and that’s Alex.”

“Let the guy sleep!”

“You think I don’t know what you have in mind after we leave?” Isobel retorted. “It sure as hell isn’t sleep!”

Alex groaned and moved to sit up. He sighed as his back hit the couch. He wanted nothing more than to curl up against Michael and go back to sleep – and by the way Michael was tugging on his arm to bring him back down, he knew his boyfriend wanted the same thing – but if he leaned against him again, he was sure to drift off. And he had to stay awake.

“I’m up,” he said, rubbing his face. “I’m awake.”

Liz pursed her lips, doubt filling her expression. “It’s okay, Alex, you can go back to sleep.”

“I don’t think I want to, to be honest,” he said. “I shudder to think what you guys would do to my home if I wasn’t watching.”

Liz smiled, grateful and relieved, Isobel seemed more relieved than anything else, and as she turned back to the TV, she reached out to take Alex’s hand.

“Great,” Michael muttered so that only Alex could hear, “everybody’s in love with you. Any chance I’ll get you at all tonight?”

“You don’t think this is a little more important?” Alex whispered back.

“We’re on a couch, and you’re still in your clothes – to be honest, I’m thinking of very little else.”

Alex laughed quietly, covering his eyes, trying to will away the burn in his cheeks. “They’re our friends, they need our help.”

“Serves me right,” Michael said with a sigh as he leaned back against the couch, looking up at the ceiling, “for being with someone who actually cares.”

Alex lightly slapped his arm. “You’d do anything for Isobel.”

Michael rolled his eyes, but Alex couldn’t miss the way his eyes fell on his sister, the corner of his lips quirking upward.

Liz groaned. “I hate this part.”

“What?” Alex frowned, feeling almost offended as Ryan Gosling’s character spotted Rachel’s out the bus. “What’re you talking about?”

“Oh, come on!” Liz said. “He sees her just walking down the street? Doesn’t think of – look at this – doesn’t think of going in or calling out to her or anything. Just stands there and waits for her to kiss some other guy!”

“He was trying to recognize her first,” Isobel defended. “He wasn’t sure it was her.”

“All but jumps out of a bus and risks getting hit by a car for someone that might be Allie?”

“You’re dating my brother!” Isobel exclaimed. “You’re in a loving relationship, how are you so bad at romance?”

“It doesn’t make sense!”

“Oh, logic,” she rolled her eyes. “That’s sexy.”

Liz glared, then, “Is this about the chips?”

“What is it with you and the chips?” Isobel said, annoyed. “Would you let that go already?”

“Me?”

“Okay, that’s—” Alex stood, nudging Liz up with him. “Come help me get some more water bottles.”

Liz, fuming, stood and let Alex guide her into the kitchen. As soon as the door closed behind them, she turned to him. “Alex, she’s making me—”

“It’s okay,” Alex held his hands up, trying to calm her down. “It’ll be okay.”

“I just – she can’t—” Liz screamed through grit teeth, her face hidden behind her hands. Eventually, she sighed. Her arms fell limp to her side, her eyes staring off into space as she softly said, “I’m going to kill her.”

“You’re not going to kill her.”

“I’m going to jail for it, they’ll fire me from the lab.”

“You’re not getting fired, would you just…” he seated her next to the counter. “There. Feel better?”

She raked her hands through her hair, pulling it back from her face. “I don’t get it. I know why I’m uncomfortable around her, but she.... She’s so nice to you, and I’ve known her longer. She’s making this so much more difficult. Why?”

Alex regarded his friend thoughtfully a moment, then he smiled softly, took the stool across from her, and said, “Because I don’t say things like, I know why I’m uncomfortable around her.”

Liz looked stricken, her expression turned to immense guilt. “Alex, I… I can’t help it.”

He nodded. “I know. And I think she can tell, and it just reminds her of everything Noah did to her, you know? Everything he let her believe.”

She shook her head, her voice barely above a whisper as she said, “This is too hard.”

Alex tilted his head at her. “Since when has that ever stopped you?”

Liz blinked, and huffed a chuckle. She opened her mouth to say something when—

“Are you waiting for the ice to melt?” Isobel yelled, and the kitchen door suddenly opened on its own.

Alex raised a brow and looked over to find Michael watching him from the living room, gesturing at him to come back already. He smiled.

“You coming?” he asked, looking over his shoulder.

“Great, barbecue flavor,” they heard Isobel say from inside. “So no attention to detail at all then.”

Liz closed her eyes, muttering darkly in Spanish as she walked out past Alex who was trying his very best not to laugh.

***

This prompt was soooo difficult to do! I knew it would be the second I saw it, and to be honest, I’m not pleased with the characterization here, but this really was the best I could come up with. I nearly gave up in the beginning and thought I would actually have to decline doing it, but I’m glad I finished, even if I don’t really like it. I hope your taste is different though, I hope you enjoyed reading. If it makes one person laugh, I’ll consider that a win.

(even if the characterization sucks 🙊)

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imagining-sio · 6 years ago

Text

Red Blood & A Heart of Gold VIII

This isn’t what happens but it’s pretty close.

Jason Todd x reader

————————————————————————

I could only glare at the piles of paper flanking all side of my desk. I groaned, my forehead banging on the deasktop on a last ditch attempt to simultaneously think of something and put me out of my misery.

“You alright?”

My head shot upwards, blinking rapidly. I looked to my left, finding officer Dixon standing there with two cups of what looked like the break room’s coffee.

“I’m fine.” I rubbed my eyes of sleep. For the past week there has been no activity from either Black Mask or Red Hood. Gordon lit up the big bright Bat-Booty-call machine but he’s refused to answer. Guess he has more important things to do. So Gordon and I have been left to our own devices in order to figure out what the ever loving fuck is going on these past few days.

“Banging your head on a table is normal?” Dixon questioned. I groaned, letting my head fall upon the table once more.

“I’m out of ideas.” I said to him, the sleep deprivation seeping through.

“Here I thought you could use this,” he set a cup of coffee down in front of me.

“Thanks Dixon but-“

“I know; you only drink tea. Its peppermint. I hear it helps with muscle soreness and brain productivity.” He sat across from me at the empty desk.

“Have you been watching me?”

“I’ve been watching all the other guys that offer you coffee and you decline saying, and I quote, ‘you don’t drink that shit.’ At first, I thought you were dclining their advances; but then you had to remind Gordon a couple times cause he forgot.” He sipped his caffinated drink, crossing his legs upon the desks ledge. I could only stare at the strawberry blonde in front of me.

“So you have been watching me.”

“Take it how you want, Jones.”

“(Y/N).” I corrected him.

“Bryce.”

“Well, Bryce. What brings you to this chaos that is my desk?” I took a sip of the tea, finding it quite refreshing before taking a large swig.

“Well I came here to give you the ballistics report on that Red Hood finding the ohter day.” He set the file down. I gratefully took it.

“They said it was a custom brand, it’s not in any of their files or the FBI’s database. It has shown up only once and thats with Black Mask, which explains the war between them. Hood has been known to steal his goods. Whoever this guy is, he knows how to cover his tracks.” He mulled over his coffee before taking a swig himself.

“Can’t they give us a ball-park on what to look for?” I sighed letting the file fallon top of all of the others underneath it.

“Nope.” Bryce popped.

“This guys has been all over Gotham; goes from a weapons trafficker to killing all traffickers; what’s his M.O”

“Maybe a change of heart; and wardrobe.”

“Wardrobe?”

“Yeah- before he wore a pill of his head, we were kids at that time. He looked ridiculous.” He chuckled only stopping when he noticed my confused expression.

“We were kids-“ my eyes raked over the large amounts of dead trees upon my wooden desk.

“What you got going there detective?” Bryce asked.

“Do you think that this guy is new?”

“New?” he raised a brow.

“A completely different person that the old one. No relation what-so-ever.” He set his feet on the floor, causing his chair to creak as he sat up straight.

“It’s possible, when was the last we saw of his pill-headed get up?”

“I can go run over files. It accesable in any of the headquarter’s computers.” He quickly logged on tot he computer that sat upon his desk, easily pulling up the red hood’s sightings.

“Here!” he pointed at the screen. I rose from my chair placing myself behind him as we both veiwed the screen.

“He was last seen in this gettup about fifteen years ago. I think then he went with Joker or something and then dropped off the map.”

“So this person picked up the mantle, but only his name. He’s killing off other gangs and their financers. Which in turn, is causing Black Mask and other gangs to become more and more brazen in their stunts.” I stood reconting over the evidence.

“That would explain the stunt he pulled at the museum.”

“Right; but we still don’t know why he was there; I got Wayne out the second he showed up. But he still went on a tirade, even though I’m pretty sure he saw him leave.”

“It could be to show that he wasn’t afraid of the Hood or Bats.” Bryce offered.

“But the Hood shouldn’t be on our side. He has his own syndicate. He’s fought toe-to-toe with Bats on past occasions.” I pulled up the footage on the computer of the two beating each other to a pulp atop one of the numerous Zepplins that somehow hadn’t gone up like the Hindenburg yet.

“Maybe he’s got a grudge.”

“A grudge?”

“Yeah- everyone has a grudge.” Bryce leaned back in his chair, looking up at me with his bright green eyes.

“What? You think I have grudge?”

“You have one against coffee.” He smirked. I chuckled at his attempt to humor me, even though it worked.

“Careful how you talk to your superior there, officer.” I lightly pushed his shoulder.

“Yes, detective.” he said in a sultry voice, making my cheeks flush involuntarily.

“You should head home. I think you’ve clocked in enough overtime on this.” He stood up, gently standig up. I felt his hand upon the small of my back, but if was careful as he moved around me. He picked up my empty cup of tea and placed both of the paper cups in the recycling bin.

“Why should you care, Officer?” I said sarcastically crossing my arms over my chest.

“Knowing Gotham at this time of night; we have about an hour before wither of us are called in. And I don’t think Gordon wants to see a crater on your desk from you trying new ways to think.” He shot back, making me laugh this time.

“Fair point Dixon. Fair point.” I gratefully accepted my coat from him. I threw it on as we both walked to the parking garage.

“We should do this again, hopefully when you aren;t banging your head against a desk, or wall.” He offered; my grip on my helmet tightened.

The very propsition frightened me. Besides Roy, I hadn’t dated. I just didn’t. I constantly compared each and every prospecting guy to one that was dead. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I still did it.

But with him, he never came to thought. I never thought of him once. No comparisons, only with a masked vigilante. Better than a dead man. It’s a start.

“Yeah, what did you have in mind?”

“Wait- you said yes?” He tripped over his feet; and words.

“Yeah, why is it that shocking?” I smirked, crossing my arms.

“N-No! I- I just.” he stumbled, making himself look a far fetch from what he was inside the headquarters.

“No go on.” I pestered sarcastically. He gave me an empty glare, only to be replaced with a smile.

“I always though you were out of my league. I never thought you would say yes, let alone talk to me.”

“Wow.” I chuckled, pulling my keys out of my backpack; “Well this has been fun, but I need to see my bed. I haven’t been home to appreciate it all day.”

He laughed, it was almost like a melody to hear; “Yeah. I should get going. I’ll get back to you tomorrow on that date prospect. Just don’t run headfirst into anything ok.”

“You won’t let me live that one down will you?”

“Nah, it’ll go away until I find something new and dorky about you.”

“See you tomorrow, Bryce.”

“Goodnight,(Y/N).” he went to his old sedan. As I walked to my motorbike, he had already driven away. Honking lightly in the dark parking lot as he passed me. I gave him a way and a smile as dorve past.

“Wow; he was unbearable.” the familiar voice echoed through the parking garage.

“What do you want.” I grumbled. He was the last thing I wanted to see tonight. Or ever for that matter.

“What I’m not allowed to see my favorite detective?” he asked, shrugging his shoulders.

“Last I checked; we aren’t married. And if I recall, the last time we met; I said the next time I see you I was gonna arrest you.’ I pulled out my pistol.

“Jones,” he said with a warning tone. His low voice extending th eone syllable.

“Hood, get down on the ground and put your hands behind your head.” I tried to sound as authorative as possible.

“Please don’t make me do this.” he refused to move. His voice trembled under that tomato colored helmet. I cocked my gun, flicking the safety off, signaling to him I wasn’t going to take orders from him. He took a sharp breath, squaring his shoulders.

“Get down on the ground!” I shouted, summoning whatever courage I had from my stomach. He launched himself at me, I fired a warning shot, only for the bullet to deflect itself somewhere in the parking garage. He tackled me, making us skid across the pavement. My gun was thrown in a random direction; I watched in skip until it slid underneath a parked van.

I wrestled with him, making sure he wasn’t able to place me in a chokehold. I felt his knee wedge between my legs.

“Don’t make this difficult, please.” He pleaded. I headbutted his helmet, throwing him off gaurd. It gave me enough space to elbow him in the head, making him stand. As he shook his head, I ran to grab my pistol. I heard a shot fired, but instead of a bullet anywhere near me; I felt something wrap around my leg. Once it went taught; I fell face first onto the pavement. I was inches away from my weapon. I tried to crawl toward it, only to spot a red beeping dot from underneath the van, as well as my pistol.

A car bomb.

“You planted a bomb in here!” I shouted at him, incredulously. The only response from him was to drag me toward him by his grappling gun.

“What?!” He shot up, ducking down to see under the vehicle.

“Shit.” I scrambled up, only to have my legs pulled violently. Hood dragged me by heaving the rope towad him as fast as he could.

“C’mon, get up.” He grabbed me, taking my hand in his gloved one. He ran as fast he could, tagging me along. I heard the faint beeping growing louder and louder, as well as faster. That’s not good.

“Hang on,” Hood pulled me flush against him, shooting his grappling gun to the abyss of buildings.

“WAI-“ I was silenced when we jumped from the ledge of the parking garage.

I held onto his jacket collar with white knuckles, my face hiding in the crook of his neck. I heard the loud explosion echo through the large crevice between the floors of the garage. The shockwave propelled us onto the roof of another building, a wave of heat sorching our bodies. As I felt our bodies desced mid air, I held onto him for dear life. I could feel his hand cradle my head and grow tight around my waist.

The impact was harsh, I’m sure we bounced off of the rooftop at least twice before we rolled to a stop. The cocussive source was jarring, but I never felt the brute impact as much as Hood did. as we came to a stop, I lay atop his chest, both of our lungs heaving for air from the ordeal.

I groaned, laying one hand down onto the pavement to prop my upper body off of him, the other hand lie splayed out against his dark armor undeneath his now sroched motorcycle jacket. Our legs were tangled, at least one was between anothers set. I watched as he lay his head back, the soft thud of his helmet against the cement. His hands settled on the small of my waist.

“You wanna listen to me now?” he said, not bothering to look at me, he simply stared at the sky. I, however, was staring at the flaming parking garage. Where Jason’s precious motorcycle was blown sky high.

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DM me if you would like to be tagged!!

#red hood imagine #red hood x reader #jason todd #jason todd imagine #jason todd x reader #dc #bat boy #bat boi #dun dun dun #red hood and the outlaws

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amarauder · 6 years ago

Text

the first time {harry potter}

a/n; This imagine is a little different, but I really liked writing it. I hope you enjoyed it too! I'm so happy I'm getting this one out a day after the last one!

"Important encounters are planned by the souls

long before the bodies see each other."

~Paul Coelho

The first time Harry saw her, she was rolling her eyes. Stood outside his carriage, with her bright h/c hair that was curled slightly at the ends, she appeared to be smirking at a girl with big bushy hair and a chubby boy. He watched her a bit more as she threw her head back and laughed at something the girl next to her had said. The h/c haired girl waved to her friend and linked arms with the boy while skipping away. Harry wondered if she was always that happy.

The first time she laid eyes on him, he was muttering something under his breath. Sitting on the stool facing all of Hogwarts, his famous name echoed through the hall. Y/N met eye contact with Draco when the name was announced, his Father and her Mother had warned her about him. The boy who lived and killed Lord Voldemort. Y/n looked away from Draco and hoped with all her might that she was in a completely different house than he was. She got lucky that time.

The first time they met eye contact was when Seamus Finnigan had blown up his feather in Charms. Y/N's eyes twitched and she glanced over at the ash-covered boy with disgust. She felt eyes on her figure and looked at his partner. It was the famous boy, who got special treatment from all the teachers, except for Snape. Y/N felt herself smirk at the thought and kept up the eye-contact. Only did she turn away when Draco tapped her shoulder and asked her 'What do you think Father will get me for Christmas?'

The first time they scowled at each other was when Draco's mouth had gotten out of hand. He had said something to Potter and she knew she had to step in before word spread around the castle and drifted off to his Father. Y/N glared at the green-eyed boy in front of her, if she disliked him before then this would be nothing compared to now. Y/n's eyes looked to her left to see the red-haired boy who had insulted her favorite bushy-haired friend, Hermione Granger. Y/N's nose crinkled up in disgust and he asked her if she had a problem with Weasley. She said 'I do, as a matter a fact. If you hurt Hermione one more time I'll nail you in the nose.' Y/N glared at the redhead then at Harry. She scowled at him before grabbing Draco's hand and stalking off, leaving Harry to growl at her back.

The first time they smiled at each other, they had just saved the four of them from an escaped troll. Y/N had gone off after Hermione to help conceal her from those 'pig-headed idiots' when a troll walked into their lavatory. Y/N screamed louder than she's ever done in her life and helped Hermione up into a random stall. She knew about no magic but stood firmly in front of her friend and prayed to Merlin for some miracle to happen. That was when her Golden Boy miracle came in. He jumped onto the troll and stuffed his wand up his nose. As the troll started to fall, Y/N started to giggle and looked to her left to see Harry smiling back at her. Who knew four first years could fight off a troll that was as deadly as Horned Dragon?

The first time they had a conversation was when the rumor of Harry being the opener of the Chamber of Secrets went around the school and landed in Y/N's ears. The Slytherin marched over to Harry and grabbed him by the arm, "Have you been really opening the Chamber of Secrets and setting them against muggle-borns?" Harry looked shocked at her abruptness but shook his head. Y/n studied him once more before nodding and stalking away with her head held high, glaring at anyone who shot her a weird look.

The first time they laughed together, Draco was dragging Y/N into this club about how to defend yourself. Y/N didn't quite see the point of the club, she already knew how to defend herself the muggle way and could send a wicked stinging hex that would last for hours as the second year. Y/N sighed when she saw where Draco's eyes were at Harry Potter and his troublesome goony. Y/N often wondered why Hermione hung out with the two of them, but then she would remind her why she was hanging out with Draco. That shut her up a lot of the time. 'Are we really here to spy on your crush like a first year?' Draco looked at her weirdly, 'I don't get crushes, L/N. Girls crush after me." Y/n snorted at that comment, 'I forgot you were such a ladies man. Now tell me why you won't admit you are in love with Potter?' 'Ya, Malfoy. Tell us why you are in love with me?' Y/N turned around to see Harry smirking at her and Y/n fought the urge to giggle. Draco turned bright red and that's when they both lost it. Their laughter caught the attraction of many others and smiled fondly at the two colleagues giggling together.

The first time they became acquaintances was when Hermione had gotten herself frozen. Y/n was walking as fast as she could to the Hospital Wing, she saw Harry and Ron also walking them and she shouted their names. Y/n was the one to find the note in Hermione's hand, shockingly enough. As she looked into Harry's eyes she knew she would have to put her past behind her to help keep her beloved Hogwarts open.

The first time hugged each other, Harry had just defeated Voldemort for the third time. Y/N felt relief as the image of Tom Riddle burned up, Ginny stirred next to her but all Y/N could look at was Harry. Her stomach was swirling as she stared at his arm, 'Harry no! You can't die. We have to do something.' Y/n looked weirdly at the bird, her mind was calling it over to the animal. 'Harry! It's a phoenix! Its tears have healing powers!' She called the bird over and looked over at a worried Ginny. Y/N quickly scooped the younger girl into her arms, her motherly instinct coming over. Harry's face started to pale even after the tears of the magical animal, that's when Y/N started to panic. She grabbed the hat and pressed the part of his arm just before his shoulder while praying to Merlin. 'Y/n, Y/N, I'm fine.' A voice said Y/N opened her eyes that she didn't even know she had closed. Her eyes raked over his form before sighing in relief and throwing herself at a very shocked Harry.

The first time they called each other friends was when Harry had just fainted from a Dementor. Y/N's hand felt the ice on the window with bewilderment and shock. 'Do any of you know what's going on?' A loud scream left her mouth as she stared at the creature in horror. Y/N's mind immediately went to her thoughts about her dead Father and her Mother who had almost killed her last Summer. She tried hard to think about her amazing friends and how Draco had saved her from her crazy Mother. Y/N felt the temperature heighten and she peeked her eyes open to see the man known as Remus J. Lupin had scared the creature away somehow. 'Why is Harry on the floor?' Y/N's eyes switched from analyzing the man in front of her to a very pale looking Harry. Y/N kneeled next to him and placed his head on her legs for a better pillow, 'Why is it that it's always him who's in danger?' Ron laughed, 'Believe me I ask that all the time. I was thinking that maybe we got very coincidental these past few years. But now this happened and I'm starting to regret becoming friends with Hermione.' 'What do I have to with any of this?' 'Harry and I were fine before you came along.' Y/N rolled her eyes at the bickering pair and turned to Harry who was staring at her. Y/N looked surprised to see him awake and quickly helped him up and onto the benches, "Are you alright?' 'I'm um fine. Did you by chance hear a woman screaming?' Y/N looked confused and raised her hand to his forehead as if to check for a fever, "No one heard a woman screaming Harry. Maybe you dreamed when you fainted?' Harry nodded but looked concerned, 'Don't worry about it, Harry. I don't think he we have to enroll you in a mental hospital yet.' Harry cracked a smile making Y/N feel a little bit of relief for her friend. She looked next to her to see the chocolate the man had given her before he left, "Here, Harry. This will make you feel better.' 'Thanks, Y/N.' 'Of course, what are friends for?'

The first time they fought with each other was when Draco and Y/N had started dating. Y/N fell onto the couch a huge smile on her face, 'What's gotten you so happy?' 'She went out on a date with Draco Malfoy.' Y/N giggled, 'Ugh, he was so sweet and we went to Hogsmeade. Have you tried butterbeer? Salazar, I-' 'You went out with the guy who called Hermione a... bad word for muggle-borns?' Y/N looked at Harry to see him looking a bit disgruntled, 'I asked Hermione and she said it's fine and I've talked him into not calling her a... that word.' 'Oh wow, that's really endearing.' Y/N's face scrunched up, 'What the hell is your problem Harry?' 'My problem! You are going out with Malfoy!' 'He's been my best friend for years Harry and that never seemed to bother you!' 'He's just going to break your heart, Y/N!' 'And how do you know that?' 'Because he's going to treat you like something special right now but once he finds out your not then he's just going to dump you. I don't want to be the one-' Y/N smacked Harry on the face as hard as she could, 'Well, I'm glad I know your opinion of me, Harry.' Y/N spat and wiped her cheeks from the tears.

The first time they comforted each other was when they had just found out that their parents had been sold out by Sirius Black. It had been a long month for everyone. Harry and Y/N spat out as many insults as they could whenever they saw each other. Their rivalry took the castle by storm, especially when Y/N beat Harry to the snitch during their last Quidditch game. Then, Draco had been sent to the hospital after getting injured by the Buckbeak. Y/N spent most of her time with the blonde haired boy, she talked to Hermione and Ron as much as she could but not enough in her opinion. Finally, Buckbeak was sentenced to death. Y/N had found out when Draco was bragging about how his Father was sentencing the 'bloody bird' to death. The only thing Y/N was impressed about was how hard her left hook hit him and how much the breakup hurt. With the exhausting month coming to an end, Y/N was walking around Hogsmeade and doing a terrible job of ignoring Malfoy. 'Getaway, Malfoy! Nothing will change my decision.' 'Not even if I tell my Father to cancel the extinction?' Y/N never got her chance to reply as she was swallowed by the invisibility cloak. 'Harry?' He did a silencing motion with his finger, she did what he said and followed him inside the Three Broomsticks. The second she got out of there, Harry dropped her off and headed somewhere. Y/N saw Ron and Hermione, she mentioned for them to follow her and look for Harry's footsteps. Y/N was the first one to find him, she brought him into her embrace and held him as he balled into her shoulder murmuring about how he was going to kill his godfather.

The first time Y/N risked her life for Harry, they had been running from Remus Lupin. Y/N clamped Hermione's mouth when she started to howl, 'You are going to get ourselves killed!' 'I was saving the past us!' 'And I'm saving the present us! Run!' The trio ran as fast as they could form the werewolf. Y/N somehow got ahead of them and stopped for a bit to catch her breath. She was going to have to thank Flint for the extra training later. A loud growl startled her and she looked behind her to see Harry pushing Hermione behind him. Y/N quickly formed a plan in her head and howled behind a tree.

The first time Harry and Y/N held hands were when the Triwizard Tournament Competitors were announced. Harry's name echoed through the hall, Y/N looked confused and met eye contact with the poor boy. Hermione pushed him up but Harry grabbed Y/N's hands and dragged her with him to where the other three contestants were. Y/N didn't even have to time to savor their laced hands before she stepped in front of Harry and stood up to a very angry Dumbledore and Minister.

The first time Harry asked Y/N out was when the Yule Ball was announced. Y/N was giggling with Hermione about how Ron had to dance with McGonagall when Harry crept up behind her asked for a word with her. She told Hermione she'd catch up with her in a second and followed Harry out of the crowd of people. Harry looked more nervous than usual and shoved his hands in his pockets, 'Do you want to go to the Yule Ball with me?' A big smile made its way onto their faces when she said her answer.

The first time Y/N stayed the night, a day had passed from Cedric's death and the end of the tournament. It was around midnight when Y/N snuck out of the girls' dormitory. Y/N had borrowed his invisibility cloak to go see him. Surprisingly, Ron had understood when Y/N hadn't wanted him to join her. 'Hey, Harry.' Y/N whispered and ran a hand through his hair. 'Hey, Y/N. I don't understand why Pomfrey didn't let you stay in here also.' Y/N laughed, 'I'm not the one who had an unforgivable curse set on them, Harry.' 'You had a dream about me Y/N. You felt the same pain as I did.' Y/N blushed, 'It's rather weird isn't it.' Harry smiled and played with her fingers, 'I overheard Dumbledore and McGonagall talking about it. They said something about soulmates.' Y/N rolled her eyes, 'Did you also hear how it could have been a complete coincidence.' 'Be quiet and get in here... soulmate.' Y/N laughed and cuddled into Harry, she traced his jawline where a cut was, 'Don't do that again Harry. That scared me so much.' Harry kissed the top of her head, 'I'll try.'

The first time they kissed each other, Harry had initiated it, surprisingly. Harry had just gotten back from his trial and Y/N was waiting for him quite nervously. Her fingers drummed the edge of the counter as she listened to Sirius and Remus talk about how to break Harry out of Azkaban. 'HE GOT OFF! HE GOT OFF!' The twins yelled and entered the kitchen, Y/N looked at them with disbelieving eyes before dashing over to Harry. 'Harry! Thank Salazar you go-' Y/N swore she died and landed in Heaven because there was no way something here on Earth felt like this. There was just no way.

The first time Y/N stood up for Harry was when Umbridge had yelled at Harry saying he was a liar. Y/N's heart was racing as she yelled at the woman before her. The toad had sent her to McGonagall's' only for the woman to congratulate her. She walked out of her office with a smirk on her face and no detentions, Y/N saw Harry and smiled. She quickly walked over to him and kissed him. Y/n could never get used to the feeling of his lips on hers. He broke it off too quickly, 'I can't even handle how hot you look when you're mad, L/N.'

The first time they fought with each other, Y/N had lied to Harry and brought him to the Hog's Head for a date. Harry grinned down at Y/n, 'This is going to be nice to have some time alone. I love Hermione and Ron but-' Y/N giggled at his awkwardness, 'I know what you mean Harry.' 'That's good because I really didn't feel like explaining myself. Now, I'm paying for everything today so lead the way. I know you already had a plan.' Y/N looked surprised, 'Who told you that?' 'Hermione, was she wrong?' Y/N laughed, 'Hermione's never wrong Harry.' Y/N felt guilty the whole walk to the Hogs' Head as Harry peppered her with love and affection. She always knew Harry was dramatic but she never thought he would be this mad at her. The Slytherin was merely doing him a favor, pushing him to perform the first step of the DA. That's why she didn't understand why he ignored her and pushed her away when she kissed him on the cheek and told him how proud she was of him. The boy was about to walk out of the restaurant with Dean when she called out to him. If he was going to be mad then so was she. Personally, all Y/N wanted to do was hang out with her beloved but he was proving hard to do so. 'What?' 'Don't you 'what' me, Potter. This is not my fault, if you hadn't been so stubborn and just started it by yourself we wouldn't be having this problem.' 'Maybe you shouldn't have lied to me, Y/N. I would've just came if you asked.' 'Don't talk out of your ass, Harry. Everyone knows how stubborn you are.'

The first gift Harry gave Y/N was the only thing he had left of his Mothers'. It was an emerald green necklace. The stone was the shape of pearl drop and matched Harry's eyes, her favorite color. The chain was gold and dainty and fit around Y/n's neck perfectly. The Slytherin had been ignoring Harry for a while now after he called her a liar, something she refused to be called. Harry had cornered her and stumbled out a speech Hermione had obviously helped him out with. However, the only reason why she forgave was that of how she touched she was about was the fact that Harry would give her something this precious and meaningful.

The first time they told each other they loved each other, Y/N was sitting with Harry against a wall of the school. Sirius had just died and Umbridge was finally gone and out of this godforsaken school. However, neither felt like they had won anything. Y/N's hand was playing with Harry's, his other arm was draped around her shoulder. 'I love you, Y/N.' Y/N looked up from where she had buried her face into his chest, 'What?' 'I love you.' A smile made her way on her face as she kissed him tenderly, 'I love you too, Harry.'

The first time they broke up, they had been fighting about Draco. Y/N refused to believe that her ex-best friend was a death eater and Harry had gotten jealous. 'I can't believe you are sick enough to believe that Harry! His Father was just thrown into Azkaban. Don't you dare say that again.' 'He's a death eater Y/N! Hermione saw something on his arm!' 'First of all, Hermione says she doesn't know what she saw on his arm. Second, I know his Mother and trust me she would never let that happen. Third, this is Draco Malfoy we are talking about! He would never ever purposely hurt someone!' Silence settled between them for a little bit, 'I don't want you hanging around him anymore.' 'And how do you have a say in who I hang out with Harry!' 'I think I have a little leeway for the fact that I'm your boyfriend.' A tear ran down Y/N's face, 'Not anymore.'

The first time Harry felt his heartbreak, Y/N was holding hands with Roger Davies. {just pretend he's in his seventh year} Y/N's laughter rang down the hall as she whispered something into his ear. Roger was carrying her books with ease, as they talked into hushed tones to each other. Harry's eyes were glued to the new couple as Ron and Hermione talked. 'Harry?' Ron asked and looked at his best mate weirdly until he saw what he was looking at, 'oh.' Harry risked a look over at Y/N again to see her making eye contact with Harry. She quickly looked away from Harry and kissed Rogers' cheek. Harry felt lightheaded as his breaths got shorter and shorter. His eyes finally peeled themselves off the couple as he took a few seconds to regain his composure. Godric, he would do anything to get her back in his arms.

The first time Y/N felt her heartbreak, Harry had kissed Ginny Weasley. The Gryffindor shouts taunted her down the hall as she debated just going into the Slytherin Common Room and turning in for an early night. However, Hermione forced her to come along saying something about helping her get over Ron. Y/N's boredom hit the second she walked into the Gryffindor Common Room. She sat down on the couch and twirled a bit of string that was coming out of the plush furniture. 'So when's the next SPEW meeting...' Y/N's words died in her mouth as she watched Harry kiss Ginny Weasley. By the looks of it, she seemed to be enjoying herself also. Y/N gulped down the bile that fought its way up from her stomach, her face felt unusually hot. She closed her open lips and told herself the few things to keep herself centered when she saw about to break. This had been the one time she had to use the advice from other Purebloods.

The first time Y/n told Harry she hated him, Harry had just cursed Draco to the brink of death. Y/N heard yells and shouts in the boys' bathroom and went to check it out. She was a Slytherin Perfect after all. She thought of the few things she needed to say to get the two rowdy boys to stop dueling. 'Hey! I know you all need to get your testosterone out, but-' Y/N's breath caught in her throat as she stared at a terrified Draco. His already pale self-was whiter than normal, however, that wasn't the thing scaring her. No, it was the pool of blood that was rapidly growing. Y/N stopped her panicked thoughts and pushed Harry out of the way, 'Asciendo.' Y/N whispered with shaking hands, the healing spell worked and she thanked her younger self for picking OWL Alchemy. Y/N repeated the spells a few times, then worked on calming Draco down, 'hey, hey, hey. You're alright. okay? No, no, no, shh.' Y/n whispered and ran the hand that wasn't holding his through his hair, 'Shh, don't worry.' Y/N moved her hand down his face and did what her Mother used to when she was little, she stroked his face with her small hands and kissed each spot after she was done. 'Go to sleep, Draco.' Draco's eyes flickered as he finally went to sleep. Y/N but her lip and fought down the tears, 'He's lost a lot of blood. I'm going to do the Patronus charm and call for Madame Pomfrey.' Y/N whispered. After she finished, she made sure Draco was okay before rounding on Harry. 'What the hell?' Y/n spat quietly, she was about to crumble in a second from the shock, 'Y/N, I don't even know what happened, I-.' Harry stopped as he saw the strongest Woman he's ever known in his life broke down right in front of his eyes. 'You are so lucky I came in here. He would've died, Harry. Salazar, what the hell were you thinking.' Y/N burst into sobs and Harry reached to pull her into a hug, but she recoiled away, "No! No, I don't want you to ever touch me again! I hate you so so much! You almost killed my best friend and you break my heart every day. You are to never look at me, breath near me, let alone try and speak to me, understand?'

The first time Harry saved Y/N's life was when Harry pushed her out of the way of a Death Eater's Unforgivable Curse. The Castle was in a frenzy when Death Eaters entered the Castle. Y/N had heard rumors about Dumbledore being dead but she didn't believe them. She couldn't believe them, not when she knew Harry had been with him. Y/N sent a Stunning Spell at a Death Eater, who crumbled when he hit the wall behind him. Y/N felt herself hitting the floor and cursed under her breath, a body was on top of her but she was too scared to open her eyes. However, after waiting a few seconds she saw Harry on top of her making her breath catch in her throat.

The first time Harry saw her since the sixth year, Harry had been making conversation with Ron when he saw her eyes. She looked radiant as ever and Harry swore he felt his heart jump out of his chest the second he saw the figure. Harry's eyes seemed to be attracted to her during Bill and Fleur’s wedding ceremony making him wonder how she hadn't seen him yet. Harry knew he wasn't being discreet about it, hell, every Weasley had noticed his infatuation with the L/N, even if they were broken up. 'The Ministry has fallen. They are-' The Patronus hadn't even finished before the Death Eaters came. 'Harry come on!' Hermione shouted at him, but his attention was nowhere near his two friends, his eyes were searching for Y/N. Ron grabbed onto his shoulder and they all apparated away. Harry never stopped worrying if she was alright or not.

The first time Y/n saw Harry since the sixth year, she had been healing the first year from one of the Professor's curses. Y/N smiled at the shaking first year and helped him up, 'You are very brave and all the way healed. You are free to go as long as you make a pact with me, mister. No more getting hurt.' The first year smiled and blushed, 'I'll try, Ms.L/N.' Y/N rolled her eyes, 'I am a Slytherin Seventh Year not some scary medical attendant.' A whisper of Y/N's name brought her attention to the crowd's parting. A shocked gasp left her lips as she saw Harry standing there with a longing in his eyes that scared her. Y/N abandoned the poor first year and walked towards him, that turned into a run when she was close enough. She fell into his arms, as he sank down to the floor as he held her. Harry's face was buried into Y/N's neck as Y/N took in Harry's scent. Pure, unusual silence strayed through the room as they watched the couple finally crumble under each other's embraces. Everyone started to slowly talk to each other as more and more people collected into the room. Y/N and Harry didn't budge, not even when all the Weasley's told them they need to hear the plan. Harry merely mumbled something about Hermione and Ron doing it.

The last time Harry thought about Y/N before he died, Harry was walking through the woods with his loved ones. Lily was talking to Harry about something but his mind was elsewhere. He knew if he was in a different situation he would be using this time to his advantage but he couldn't help his mind wandering to Y/N. He had passed her on his way here, she was tending to the wounded. He knew she was going to become an amazing Healer. But the scene couldn't help but trigger a few thoughts in his brain. If he ran away now, he might have just enough time to grab Y/n, Hermione, and Ron. They could run away together. Get married. Have kids and Grandchildren. Harry smiled fondly at the thought of little Y/N's and Harry's running around. 'What are you smiling at Potter?' Harry was brought to the present, his feet had taken him in front of Voldemort. His eyes took in the scene with a sense of calmness. Harry thought about the kisses him and Y/N had shared, the way she would comb through his hair as she read a book to him, and the way the would hold each other. Harry's mind strayed away towards his most recent memory with her. They were holding each other for what seemed about five minutes but was probably about 10 or 15. He had taken in her scent as much as he could, she smelled of a mix of vanilla and gardenias, something Harry had recognized in his list of Ammortia smells. A green light splashed towards Harry, enveloping him completely, his last thought burning in his bran, the image of Y/N laughing at something he had said a long time ago.

The first time Y/N heard about Harry's death, she was running out of the Great Hall to see what all the commotion was. Y/N caught up to Neville and was about to ask him what was going on when she heard her answer, 'Harry Potter is dead.' The floor seemed to shake under Y/n, she lost balance and almost fell on the floor. There was no way Harry was dead. No, not her Harry. A loud scream erupted from her lips as she finally fell to her knees. Her heart was pounding, her mind was swirling, and she felt like an elephant was sitting on her chest. 'Well, it seems someone is upset. Who are you?' Y/N growled and looked up at the disgusting man she's known her whole life, "Ahh, Ms.L/N. Quite lovely to run into you again, I've been seeing plenty-' 'Shut up shut up, you disgusting freak.' 'Excuse me?' 'You heard me. Just because you killed Harry does not mean it's over. You are no Lord yet, Voldemort. You don't understand. There's a reason why the evil never wins. You always seem to forget that hope and light and love lives in everyone. Yes, you may rule for a little while. But there will always be someone brave enough to stand up and stop you from your destruction. Unfortunately for you, you have about one hundred of them behind me, and if you think you are going to kill every single one of us then you're wrong. We will win and the best I can do for you is wish rot in hell.'

The first time they kissed each other since their breakup, Harry had defeated Voldemort once and for all. The golden light passed through Y/N's eyes as she tried desperately to decipher what happened. Harry stood there next to a very much dead Voldemort. Shock and silence took over the occupants in the Great Hall for a while before it was broken by a delighted Y/n L/n. The Slytherin squirmed through the crowd as she made her way towards Harry. Harry started to run towards her and finally kissed her. The couple sighed, relief and happiness overtook them. It was nowhere near their best kiss, it was sloppy and salty from tears. Harry broke the kiss and nuzzled his nose against hers, but Y/N had different ideas. She captured his mouth in hers again. Y/N wrapped her arms around Harry's neck and ran her fingers through the soft locks. A smile played on both of their lips as they knew they could finally feel this heavenly feeling whenever they wanted.

#Harry Potter #harry potter x reader #harry james potter x reader #the golden trio

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thenewupdate · 8 years ago

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What’s Gucci my Nietzsche?

A while back I briefly explained Immanuel Kant’s theory of knowledge, keeping with the theme of misunderstood philosophers in the grimy intellectual sewer that is the internet I been meaning to write a post on that famous assassin of God who has been adopted by everyone from French academics, to white nationalists, poets, psychologists, anarchists, and even feminists.

In regards to “explaining” Friedrich Nietzsche it should be noted that he’s a bit of a “proto-postmodernist”, THE atheistic existentialist. Nietzsche wrote in aphorisms and did not wish to be completely understood but rather interpreted by individuals towards their quest in finding meaning for themselves, which explains so many horrible misreadings (Looking at u Nazis fucks). That said though there are points which Nietzsche clearly makes or at the very least — I would say — have logical boundaries to their interpretations. There is no way in hell that I’ll be able to explain his complete works here, so what I’ll do is paint a picture of the man, throwing broad strokes and rants of historical and social context for Nietzsche, and then articulate some of his most famous concepts. I think this is usually an easier way to understand and internalize such abstract material, not through the recitation of cold facts but following some sort of historical, maybe even entertaining, narrative.

A rose by any other name?

How is his name pronounced? Knee-cha or Knee-chi. Knee-cha is usually the most accepted pronunciation but you know…language.

Background:

Lil’ Nietzsche was born in Prussia (Modern day Germany) in 1844, to family of Lutheran ministers. Our hero fell into a very interesting world which was beginning to warm up to the conception of the political body as we know it today. Kings were dying, the 1848 European revolutions had happened when he was 4 years old, and democratic thought was beginning to spread thanks to a couple centuries of ideas from the enlightenment period.

An interesting figure who Nietzsche constantly references is that cute military frenchie Napoleon Bonaparte. While not usually discussed, I think it’s important to understand Napoleon and his effect in Nietzsche’s world.

Napoleon fucked shit up in Europe quite simply. Anything Europe was before Napoleon, it simply was not after his campaigns. From France, to Northern Africa, to Spain, Napoleon wrecked everything and in a way forced Europe to change their political views and ideologies. I don’t want to dwell too much with him, but the Napoleonic civil code which he spread throughout Europe pretty much emphasized equality before the law and helped overthrow the remnants of feudalism and helped fight off meritocracy.

The Napoleonic code gave way to the ideas of equality before the law, innocence until proven guilty, and even providing legal counsel to those who lacked the resources, very French they’re so nice that way. This is where Nietzsche lived, feudalism and monarchism crawling towards European democracy, figuring out how to deal with the rise of egalitarianism, science, and rationalism. Europeans are basically coming into views of equality from after a couple thousand years where if you were born in squalor, you would rake mud for your entire life. It was an ideological mess, political too, but I’ll focus on the philosophy part and Nietzsche’s reaction to it.

Part 1: Or How God’s Been Dead

Let’s dive right into the whole God thing by first giving a look to The Gay Science. In the book there is a bit called The Parable Of The Madman, a sort of aphorism in which some “madman” shows up into a random village and tells the villagers about God kicking the bucket. Here’s the text, which I’ve shortened:

The madman jumped into their midst and pierced them with his eyes. ‘Whither is God?’ he cried; “I will tell you. We have killed him – you and I. All of us are his murderers. But how did we do this? How could we drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon? What were we doing when we unchained this earth from its sun? Whither is it moving now? Whither are we moving? Away from all suns? Are we not plunging continually? Backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Is there still any up or down? Are we not straying, as through an infinite nothing?…

God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?…

Here the madman fell silent and looked again at his listeners; and they, too, were silent and stared at him in astonishment. At last he threw his lantern on the ground, and it broke into pieces and went out. “I have come too early,” he said then; “my time is not yet. This tremendous event is still on its way, still wandering; it has not yet reached the ears of men. Lightning and thunder require time; the light of the stars requires time; deeds, though done, still require time to be seen and heard. This deed is still more distant from them than most distant stars – and yet they have done it themselves.”

There’s a lot here to unpack so let’s summarize the madman’s lines. He’s yelling at the community that God has been killed by society, that they must ask themselves how to atone and live with this murder, also his preaching is falling on the indifferent ears of the townies. The very same people that have killed God have no idea it has happened much less how, rather they will know much later in some distant future. The madman realizes he is an untimely figure and moves on.

So, what does this mean? Well, first of all let’s be clear what “God dying” means for Nietzsche. The madman is yelling at a community that their favorite deity is gone, and basically so was Nietzsche in most of his writings. “God dying” for the mustache aficionado is not just a metaphysical or theological claim, it’s a sociological and cultural argument. It doesn’t matter if God is still sitting on his throne in the silver city with gleaming angels singing to him, sociologically God has slowly been replaced by the empiricism of science and the enlightenment’s period exaltation for reason and logic, not to mention the rising democratization of Europe.

God is just some belief that people chose to pray to, a fairy tale to help them sleep at night, an ideology that allows communities to blindly follow their leaders. However, science, reason, nationalism, and government has overtaken most people’s lives at this point. Even religion itself has lost it’s meaning, Nietzsche arguing this by bringing up the individualism of Protestantism and the decentralization of what God’s “word” actually means. Leaving God up to subjective interpretation is pretty much paganism. Good job killing God guys.

The point that faith is central to believing in God is another paradoxical problem. Think of those horrible christian flicks and that crime against cinema: “God is not Dead”, the bizarre problem in that christianity has to adamantly argue to an audience the existence of an entity based on faith. How can an entity based on collective belief, be argued to exist when the belief is waning? This itself shows Nietzsche’s point. Ok, so God is dead, what now?

Part 2: Or How We Are Special Snowflakes

The story so far for Nietzsche is this: God has died and science and rationalism have taken over as the foundational values in the West, but people are still incredibly stupid of course. Science can easily be used in ways that it was not meant to be, such as building ethical systems or you know, eugenics. Reason can help us build ethical systems but in these theories we find flaws and blind spots (Colonialism/Slavery/Exploitation) so what do we do? Nietzsche says — among many other things — that we need an ubermensch, so what exactly is this?

An ubermensch is a word taken from german which means “Superman” and that is exactly what Nietzsche wants from us, to be ubermensch’s, or uberfraulein’s for my ladies in the house, let’s get inclusive. What does this mean though? Let’s look at another excerpt, this time from Thus Spoke Zarathustra, third section of the prologue, where Zarathustra comes down from a mountain to preach to the people. There’s a theme here with Nietzsche and individuals talking to dumb communities if you notice.

I teach you the Overman! Mankind is something to be overcome. What have you done to overcome mankind?

All beings so far have created something beyond themselves. Do you want to be the ebb of that great tide, and revert back to the beast rather than overcome mankind? What is the ape to a man? A laughing-stock, a thing of shame. And just so shall a man be to the Overman: a laughing-stock, a thing of shame. You have evolved from worm to man, but much within you is still worm. Once you were apes, yet even now man is more of an ape than any of the apes.

Even the wisest among you is only a confusion and hybrid of plant and phantom. But do I ask you to become phantoms or plants?

Behold, I teach you the Overman! The Overman is the meaning of the earth. Let your will say: The Overman shall be the meaning of the earth! I beg of you my brothers, remain true to the earth, and believe not those who speak to you of otherworldly hopes! Poisoners are they, whether they know it or not. Despisers of life are they, decaying ones and poisoned ones themselves, of whom the earth is weary: so away with them!

Once blasphemy against God was the greatest blasphemy; but God died, and those blasphemers died along with him. Now to blaspheme against the earth is the greatest sin, and to rank love for the Unknowable higher than the meaning of the earth!

Say what you will about Nietzsche but the motherfucker can write, I digress though. What our German friend here begins to argue for is something of an individualistic theory of self-attained strength outside of any community. Church, family, government, bureaucracy, these are all concepts outside of one’s self which impose their frameworks and systems on the individual. How to live and move around the world, what ideals you should hold, your responsibilities to the state, proper forms to navigate paper trails, fuck that. Nietzsche despises any system that tries to silence the individual and their ability to excel under their own terms. There is a certain hint of virtue ethics in Nietzsche, he hates Socrates and loves the pre-socratics, but it’s a certain mode of virtue found not with community but through critical self-analysis.

The point of the ubermensch I would say, is an individualistic answer against the nihilism brought on by social/communal systems and ideologies. God will die and most religious or political beliefs will find some end eventually, democracy, communism, fascism, these are all ideas outside of our lived experiences, maintained by countless people who rarely engage in critical thought with these ideologies. No, no, no says Nietzsche, none of this is for you.

Even Nietzsche’s writings aren’t for you, we must find our own path, under our own values. As nihilism is in front of us telling us that all meaning is false, Nietzsche claims that while this may be true, it does not stop us in developing our own meaning as we make it through life, just for the sake of bettering ourselves and fighting against a world that constantly opposes us. Cause fuck the world I guess.

Part 3: Or How Nietzsche is Not a Nazi

Nietzsche is not a nazi guys. How did this conflation happen though? It’s very odd but we have to bring in Friedrich’s sister, Elisabeth Forster-Nietzsche. So Elisabeth was Nietzsche’s younger sister, they had a very nice relationship growing up actually ice skating or whatever Germans do as kids, she and even took care of him during his mental breakdown. Right so Nietzsche had a mental breakdown which is extremely important to his works. Around 1889 in Turin, Italy, Nietzsche saw a horse being beaten by it’s owners, our hero wrapped his arms around the horse, said “I understand you” and collapsed, here Nietzsche’s decade long mental breakdown begins.

As broomstache loses his mental capacity, his lovely sister Elisabeth cares for him and his written archives. SPOILERS, the “Foster” in Elisabeth’s name comes from her husband Bernhard Foster, a huge fucking Nazi piece of shit. As Nietzsche began to lose his cognitive capabilities, and Elisabeth had became a widow — since her stupid Nazi husband tried to start a “Pure German” colony in Argentina and failed so badly he killed himself — she needed money and support. Move to the 1930’s and as Elisabeth had become a full fledged Nazi, the Nietzsche archives became heavily edited and used as Nazi propaganda.

Nietzsche suspected this would happen and again, hated the Nazis and their anti-semitism. Here’s a letter to his sister:

Nice, end of December 1887: Draft of letter to Elisabeth Förster-Nietzsche

In the meantime I’ve seen proof, black on white, that Herr Dr. Förster has not yet severed his connection with the anti-Semitic movement. […] Since then I’ve had difficulty coming up with any of the tenderness and protectiveness I’ve so long felt toward you. The separation between us is thereby decided in really the most absurd way. Have you grasped nothing of the reason why I am in the world? […] Now it has gone so far that I have to defend myself hand and foot against people who confuse me with these anti-Semitic canaille; after my own sister, my former sister, and after Widemann more recently have given the impetus to this most dire of all confusions. After I read the name Zarathustra in the anti-Semitic Correspondence my forbearance came to an end. I am now in a position of emergency defense against your spouse’s Party. These accursed anti-Semite deformities shall not sully my ideal!!

Nietzsche was for sure anti-semitic, even if he didn’t see it. That said, Nietzche did not hate one group in particular but rather despised most races, Germans specially. Beyond Good and Evil, The Genealogy of Morals, Will to Power, all these books have plenty of discriminatory writing on jewish people and other minorities, not to mention incredibly misogynistic remarks on women that have filled books, but Nietzsche is no Nazi.

I chose to discuss this right after explaining the concept of Ubermensch for that reason. Nietzsche always claims to only be himself and not part of any movement or idea that will take that away, even if it benefits him. Nazis are the worst thing one could present in Nietzschean philosophy: a bunch of boring idiotic savages, who believe their phenotype and the patch of land their mother’s vagina dumped them on has some inherent value over other individuals. They’re what Nietzsche would call the herd, or simply cows. Nazis are horrible ideologues on a circle jerk, drinking each other’s expulsions and regurgitating it for the next dumb fuck to swallow. They are the blind German nationalistic spirit which he is so critical in his works. Not individualistic at all, most definitely not Nietzschean at all.

Part 4: Or How Praying is Bad

If you think Nietzsche is interesting, complex, or even odd, (maybe all?) wait until you get to his views on morality, or lack thereof. So to discuss Nietzsche’s Master-Slave morality is slightly chaotic to explain since it requires a bit of Hegel to understand.

So there was this incomprehensible German theorist named Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (1770-1831). He responded to Kant, even taught in the same university at the same time as Schopenhauer. Nietzsche and most of western thought is still in dialogue with him. Schopenhauer fucking hated him, even scheduling his lectures the same time as him.

Hegel had this idea about how social process works which I will now give you the most basic run down. All struggles and social movements according to Hegel have a master; who is in charge, oppressing and exploiting the labor of slaves; who do all the work and get oppressed and exploited. There are always more slaves than masters of course, and it is through the conflict between these two entities/groups which allows history to progress, and even for our sense of self to emerge. Slaves revolt and resist to the point that they want freedom over their mortality or well-being, they win and become “masters” themselves. Hegel’s master-slave dialectic by the way is an extremely influential theory and the foundation of Marxism and Beauvorian feminism, also influential to the Frankfurt school and plenty of liberation movements.

To summarize Hegel, if at all possible, as the slaves come to power, they take the place of the masters and then in turn begin oppressing other slaves themselves, fun. Hold on a second says Nietzsche, sure the slaves move up to become masters, but what if they maintain a slave morality, I mean why wouldn’t they?

Here Nietzsche begins a huge philosophical endeavor which Hegel left as a blindspot, a genealogical approach tracing the history of western morality, and pretty much his argument that our judeo-christian values are dumb and that christianity is for nerds. He said it, not the first to do it, but he did it damn well.

See, the Greeks used to be in charge before the Christian’s right? Even after the Greeks had their run, the Romans also bossed them and Jewish people around. Christians were fed to lions, nasty business. So here Nietzsche uses Hegel’s dialectic: The Judeo-Christian community were the slaves, quite literally, and the Greeks and Romans were the masters. Nietzsche notes however that Greco-roman culture was completely different from judeo-christian one.

Greeks loved their bodies, the saw sexuality as intrinsic to learning, they believed in acknowledging one's’ strengths and weaknesses and striving for glory and fame, both for the individual and the state. Judeo-christian values are much different of course. One should be humble, “the meek shall inherit the earth” type of thing, all of your glories should be exclusively praised as acts of god, sexuality is for procreation and to enjoy it is sinful as it distracts one from spiritual pursuits. Nietzsche’s claim is that as slaves are confined and restricted, they form values which allow them to accept the conditions they are in, and this develops into resentment and a slave morality. Masters however see themselves as righteous subjects, accepting of themselves and always striving to be the best they can be while not even acknowledging slaves.

The problem here that Nietzsche pointed out was this: Greek empire fell, Romans fell, Christianity took over as the master in the dialectic sure, but it kept the slave morality. Nietzsche claims — well he actually yells it from the mountains — that we have inherited a culture of resentful slave morality that discourages us to strive to be the best people we can be. Judeo-Christian values tell us to be non-violent, to let systems continue to function and eventually what comes to us will be just and deserving. Master morality is life affirming, it tells us to face the world in all it’s pain and joy and own it, while slave morality denies the outside, that pain is bad and we should avoid conflict and discomfort. This is barely on mentioning the sexual repression in Judeo-Christianity compared to Greco-Roman values.

Christianity has weakened us, so to speak. It’s influence detrimental to society says Nietzsche, and stalls us to find ourselves. I’ll leave you to some quotes from the man himself in regards to religion from his book The AntiChrist:

-Christianity has taken the part of all the weak, the low, the botched; it has made an ideal out of antagonism to all the self preservative instincts of sound life; it has corrupted even the faculties of those natures that are intellectually most vigorous, by representing the highest intellectual values as sinful, as misleading, as full of temptation.

-If Islam despises Christianity, it has a thousandfold right to do so: Islam at least assumes that it is dealing with men.

-For this remains as I have already pointed out the essential difference between the two religions of decadence : Buddhism promises nothing, but actually fulfils; Christianity promises everything, but fulfils nothing.

Part 5: Or How Mustaches Are Cool

To conclude it might be fun to discuss Nietzsche’s reception throughout philosophy and the world. Actually, anyone doing philosophy with the exception of those very focused on analytic theory and formal logic have read him. His influence is so immensely vast in philosophy I would not be able to do it justice. Derrida, Foucault, Baudrillard, Butler, Zizek, Beauvoir, Fanon, Rand, Ronell, Camus, Jung, Land, Adorno and some others. His critiques of the dehumanizing aspects of institutions, our problem with ideologies, the issues brought on by imperialism and power, his disdain for democracy, all inspiring in some way or another the thinkers previously mentioned.

Hell, even on my personal twitter I actually have a running thread arguing that Kentaro Miura’s manga Berserk is a directly inspired by Nietzsche.

Again Nietzsche makes grand bold claims which can be seen as obvious now, but it should be noted that while he was one of the youngest professors in his university at 24, he was quickly shunned and his views prevented him from being hired. The argument that ideas are constructed by history not god, that they can be analysed and we should be skeptical of them all, even when they benefit us. That we must fight our instincts and convictions critically while attempting to surpass them for our own betterment. The Master-Slave morality and the assumption of underlying cultural values we may not be aware of? This is proto-psychology and sociology. Freud read him and copied him for sure.

All in all, while Kant set up the logical basis for God being dead, it was Nietzsche who blew all the dust away and told everyone that the guy in the sky was no more. Important guy I think.

#Nietzsche #Philosophy #existentialism #beyond good and evil #thus spoke zarathustra #ubermensch #post-modernism #Berserk #Mustache #txt #me

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spacednp · 8 years ago

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the second longest fic (i think??) i have (so far) that actually doesnt have a title

wattpad link

i still didnt even reread it to check for typos :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Tw: lots of dirty jokes, not smut but there's a kissy kiss, don't read if you plan on sleeping ;p jk it's not too too bad but it could be considered a little creepy so don't sue me if you're reading this at 3 am in a forest and now you're terrified also this is unedited bc wow that's long

AND YES IK THE TITLES LAME AF I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT XD

Srry about the random A/Ns I threw in I couldn't help it lmao

Magical AU kind of thing you'll like it trust meh

Wc: (this is a longen') 6.7k :0

Once Upon A Time...

Dan sighed as he looked out the window of the wooden carriage. He really hated traveling. Really really hated it. The blur of the dark silhouettes of trees filled his vision and the chill of winter hit his face as the carriage tugged into the night.

Dan, or Prince Daniel James Howell of Turntima as he was formally addressed, was on his way to the kingdom of Troi to have a meeting with its king, King Austial in regards to his eldest daughter's hand in marriage. It wasn't for love, it wasn't even Dan's idea. No, it was planned even before he was born, an arranged marriage. Marriage was just a contact, a treaty of peace. It meant nothing more. Maybe that was why Dan wasn't very opposed to the idea of marriage, because he was convinced it meant nothing.

The carriage stopped abruptly. What? No, this wasn't Troi, they weren't even close, Dan knew that much. He could of sworn he saw something deep in the forest move, a quick flash of something lanky and dark. Well that wasn't good, and now Dan was suddenly aware of a deep aching fear in the pit of the stomach, he felt like he was being watched. "What's happening?" Dan asked the driver. It was just he and the driver, it was a rare occasion where Dan was unguarded, which wasn't very bright he supposed as bandits were known to roam the woods they had to travel.

The horses screeched as if in fear. "I have no clue, the horses just stopped, Your Highness," The driver replied. In a spilt second though, the movement caught Dan's eye again, but now his suspicion of something there was confirmed. One minute they were alone and only the unmarked snow and dark trees surrounded them, but then, a second later, dark creatures with lanky limbs appeared.

They had beady blood red eyes that seemed to glow in the darkness and claw like fingers attacked to the ends of the limbs. Their mouths were just pits in their faces with sharp and thorn like teeth lacing the inside. A sudden chilly breeze swept over the carriage and the torches that once lit the carriage blew out swiftly.

Dan wanted to scream, wanted to cry for help, but a lump in his throat prevented the cries from escaping. He wished he could see, he was terrified. He knew monsters like this existed, but he hadn't read up on them much, never expecting to be in a situation where the information would be important, much less crucial for his survival.

Sharp cries of pain from the horses filled the air as the creatures devoured their flesh and Dan was suddenly glad he couldn't see what they were doing, for he knew what he saw would fill his nightmares. Even the cries they let out would scar him, that is if he lived through this to dream another night.

The monsters ate fast though and next came the driver, and this was more terrifying to Dan because it was another human. Of course Dan had some compassion for the horses, but knowing that the creatures had a taste for human, that wasn't good. The creatures ripped off the door to the carriage and the crunching of the man's bones filled the air soon and the iron sent of blood filled Dan's nose. The cries for help. The hopelessness Dan felt, the way he knew this was soon to be his dark fate.

Wasn't it kind of romantic in a way? Knowing your embedding doom lay ahead so soon? You spend your whole life worrying about it, but when it's right in front of you how are you to feel? You know it's coming, but does that offer any relief? Or does it provide terror? Both?

Dan couldn't even distinguish his emotions before the creatures turned their blood thirsty attention to Dan. Their eyes sort of glowed in a way, illuminating their faces with a red light. Their claws were stained with blood and flesh remained stuck in their teeth. The growling noises they made, deep and spine chilling.

A howl from a wolf in the distance. Dan's body shook, he couldn't move though. Claws gripped has shoulders and he was ripped out from the carriage and slammed into the snowy ground. He faintly saw the outline of lots of splotches and three larger pools of blood. He felt bile rise in his throat, thats what he fate was. A pool of crimson staining pure, crisp white snow.

The creatures looked down at him and his heart felt like it was going to explode with how fast it was beating, slamming into his rib cage. He shut his eyes tightly and thought he would never open them again. This was the end. This was death. The snarl of a wolf. What? Why did that sound so close? Ripping, tearing, screaming. Dan's body burned with the contact as the creatures clawed at him.

"Serelia! Don't just stand there! Make your stupid mangy mutt do something!" The voice of a male called. That wasn't one of the creatures though, no, that was a human. The voice was warm and almost made Dan feel peaceful despite the fact that he was bleeding to death. Sleep sounded very good... wow Dan was tired.

"She's not a mutt!" A woman's voice. "Anyway, Rix is already on it," shortly after those words were spoken, a sound, almost like twigs snapping, was heard. Suddenly no more claws raked at Dan. He felt someone drag him away from the carriage and he was pushed onto his feet.

"Alright, you gotta work with me here, try to walk, yeah?" The male's voice. Dan nodded his head weakly. He opened his eyes and was greeted by raven hair and icy blue eyes. Dan tried his best, but his legs weren't cooperating very well. His eyes shut again.

"He's half dead," The woman's voice spoke, didn't the male call her 'Serelia'? "That's no good, what are we going to do with a half dead prince?"

"Shut up and help me out," The male's voice snapped. "He's heavy." Were these people bandits? Were they going to kill Dan? No, they saved Dan. Whatever it was they were going to do with Dan, it wasn't kill him.

"Aye aye, captain," Serelia said. He felt another arm wrap around him. "Try not to bleed on me too much, you hear? Blood isn't my favorite thing to scrub at."

"Shut up," The male hissed. Dan didn't think he really liked the Serelia girl, she wasn't very nice. Then again, Dan could hardly form a coherent though. "What about your little puppy dog?" The man asked.

"She'll follow, she knows her way around, anyway even if she doesn't follow I'm not too hard to find with her," She answered. "Now follow my lead, I know somehow who could probably save this royal pain in the ass." Dan didn't hear what the male had to say to that because he drifted off, unconscious.

---

When Dan woke up he was laying on something very soft. He didn't open his eyes though, he just laid there. Suddenly a conversation filled his ears and he couldn't help but to eavesdrop.

"Serelia, isn't it nice to see you," an unfamiliar voice spoke.

"Skip the small talk, Litzu. Just take care of the boy and we'll be on our way," that was Serelia's voice, Dan knew that much.

"Eh, I don't feel like it," The woman Serelia called Litzu said. Dan didn't like this lady either. "Motivate me."

"He's bleeding to death for fucks sake! I don't care what past you too need to work out, do it on your own time, right now this guy is dying!" The male from earlier yelled. Dan thought he liked this guy, he seemed the nicest. Also, he didn't seem like he wanted to kill Dan, which was definitely a plus.

"It wouldn't be the first dead body Serelia had to dump," Litzu growled. The wolf from earlier made some kind of a growling sound as well, probably against Litzu and pro Serelia, if Dan had to guess.

"He's a prince," Serelia's voice was rough and laced with anger. "I'm sure everyone would be glad to have him back, maybe a monetary reward would be involved. Is that enough to motivate you to heal him?" The wolf was still growling.

"Ah, you know me so well, love," Litzu purred. Dan slipped back into darkness after hearing this though.

---

Dan awoke for the second time to the warm smells of ginger and rosemary. His muscles ached and he was very sore, but other than that, at least he wasn't dead. His eyes fluttered open to see a blurry pair of icy blue eyes looking down at him. He blinked his vision into focus and the person leaning over him pulled back.

"He's awake," The makes voice spoke.

"G'Morning, Sleeping Beauty," Serelia's voice purred. It came from a woman in a sold black dress with a deep purple hood on her torso, it was laced in the front with black sting, a bow tied it off at the top so it didn't fall off. Her raven hair was amazingly long and tied in a side ribbon so it fell down her right side. She had large pale grey eyes that resembled the moon itself. Her thin pale face showed no emotion.

The male with icy blue eyes stood next to her, his arms crossed in front of his chest, but a soft smile on his soft pink lips. There were bags under his eyes, one of those eyes was half covered with jet black raven fringe, in the same fashion as Dan's though his hair was a chestnut brown color and facing the other direction. He wore a brown jacket over a pale blue (and very stained) button up, black jeans, and black boots.

The other person, whom Dan assumed was Litzu, was shorter than the male by a least six inches but taller than Serelia by a two or three inches. She had short blonde hair the barely reached her shoulders and eyes that lacked color so much they were pretty much white that was tinted green. She wore a white dress that was pretty much summer attire, which slightly confused Dan as it was winter, but he wasn't about to question someone that very well might of just saved his life.

Dan sat up slowly and stretched his arms, wincing slightly as he did so. He opened his eyes again and blinked a few times. "Thanks," Dan said, "for saving me, I mean." He elaborated.

"Don't thank me, this brat made me do it, I wanted to watch you die slowly," Serelia confessed, slapping the male on the back. Dan then notice the wolf with pale grey fur and bright blue eyes sitting at her feet who seemed to hum in agreement. "The name's Serelia by the way."

"Don't worry about her, she's just still grumpy because she got locked up in a dungeon for two years," The male said, smirking. "M'names Phil,"

"I'm Litzu and I'm the actual reason you're still alive," Litzu piped up. Serelia rolled her eyes and the wolf scoffed. Phil slapped Serelia on the arm.

"Uh, right, okay then," Dan crossed his legs and didn't take his eyes off of the wolf. "What's up with the dog?" He finally said.

"Rix is not a dog!" Serelia yelped.

"Oh no, now you've got her started," Phil facepalmed. Dan was confused, what did he do? He just asked about the dog.

"She's a fimilar, first of all, second, she's a wolf," She hissed. The wolf made a noise Dan assumed was in agreement to what Serelia said. "Also, she's that one that actually saved you."

"Okay so maybe it was a team effort," Litzu said. "But I was a big part of it."

"Well Rix saved him before you!"

"He wouldn't be alive right now without my herbs!"

"Well Rix saved him first still!"

"Stop arguing!" Phil yelled, cutting them off. "You sound like two five year olds arguing over who'll get the last cookie!" Dan couldn't help but smile at that, he found it amusing. He also noted that to some degree two fairly attractive girls were fighting over him.

Dan looked around the cabin he was in as the three continued their little argument. There was a little kitchen area with a table and two chairs, some counter space, cabinets, and a wood burning stove, no sink or icebox though (which made sense Dan guessed because they were in the middle of the forest, where would the electricity and water come from?) there was a sofa, a coffee table, a stack of wood which Dan assumed was for the stove, and then the bed Dan was laying on. (There was also two backpacks sat next to the door but those looked out of place and Dan assumed they belonged to Serelia and Phil)

Dan looked down at himself. His button up shirt was torn and stained to the point of no repair. However, his jeans seemed to be rather intact, which was good. His chest and arms were pretty beat up, lots of scratches, a particular one across Dan's stomach was the most concerning to Dan, but it seemed pretty manageable. There was some weird herb mix rubbed on Dan's wounds, it was very potent and almost overwhelming, but if it was healing him Dan had noting against it.

"Earth to princey boy," Serelia's voice broke into Dan's thoughts. He looked up to see all three of them looking at Dan expectingly. Had someone been talking to him?

"Uh, what?" Dan asked. Phil laughed a little but had the decency to cover it up with a fake cough when he saw no one else thought it was funny.

"I repeat, where were you going all fancied up?" Serelia said, glaring at Dan, looking very annoyed and unamused.

"Oh uh, Troi, fiancé stuff," Dan replied vaguely. "Also it's kind of late for this but I should probably tell you my name, er, if you don't know..?"

"Prince Daniel Howell, of course we know," Serelia rolled her eyes as she said his name. "Anyway, more important matters, fiancé?"

"Oh, heh right, yeah, I'm kind of famous," Dan muttered. "You'd think I'd remember that."

"The guy has bloody dementia I swear," Serelia hissed. "Fiancé. Talk."

"Oh right!" Dan yelped. Phil cough laughed again but Dan ignored it. "Yeah, sorry. Anyway yeah we were going to settle official business and my hand in marriage was to be offered to King Austial's eldest daughter, what was her name again? Melissa?"

"Melanie," Phil coughed as if to make it subtle. "Oh wow looks like I have a cold, lots of coughing."

"Oh yes it's suddenly come to me, her name is Melanie," Dan said, trying to hide his smile.

"You're going to marry a girl you don't even kn-what?" Litzu stuttered. Dan laughed a little. "What's so funny?"

"It's not for love, royal marriages never are, why do you think they're so many royal affairs?" He asked rhetorically. Litzu seemed to ponder this for a moment.

"Well what if you like, fall in love with her?" She suggested. Dan couldn't hide his laugh that time, it was too funny and ironic.

"That won't happen," He said bluntly after he'd stopped laughing long enough to get a word in.

"Well why not? Don't be rude I'm sure she's really nice and-" Dan cut Litzu off.

"Because I'm gay, I don't like girls." He told her. Her cheeks flushed and Phil didn't cover his laughter with a cough that time, he doubled over laughing.

"It's not funny!" She squeaked. Dan joined Phil in laughing because the whole thing was very ironic and Dan couldn't help but be amused at it.

"Sorry to break this up, but am I the only one concerned with us actually having to do something with Danny Boy here?" Serelia said, placing a hand on her hip and glaring at everyone in turn. Her wolf had abandoned the ground and now laid curled up in the corner, asleep.

"What do you mean?" Phil asked, brows furrowed in confusion.

"Well he has to get to Troi eventually and we're gonna help, yeah?" Serelia said. Phil nodded in agreement. "Well then we need to talk plans."

"I volunteer we go when it's daylight and they're no walking monster tree demons," Dan spoke. Serelia shook her head.

"They're still there in the daylight and were even more at risk when the suns up," she told him. Dan raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms.

"I don't get why," He stated.

"I'll explain," Phil volunteered. "Serelia has moon magic, her and her little wolf friend are pretty much useless at day time,"

"I am not! I just don't do as well as I do at night is all," she said.

"No, you're useless," Litzu agreed with Phil.

"Wait, 'moon magic'? That sounds anticlimactic," Dan exclaimed.

"It's is, its very very lame," Litzu declared. "I'm not just saying that because I hate Serelia either. Her magic is just really dumb.

"Rude~," Serelia sung.

"Serelia can control living things and set up magic barriers, but only when the moon is out," Phil explained. "She also has a weird thing where she can talk to wolves."

"Ah, coolio," Dan replied, looking at Serelia. She didn't seem all that special, despite the fact that she looked pretty scary with her weird eye color.

"'Coolio'?" Phil eyed Dan, looking confused and slightly like he was judging Dan.

"What?" He asked. Phil shook his head and held his hands up.

"Nothin', you do you, boo," Phil said.

"Flirt on your own time guys!" Serelia snapped. Dan rolled his eyes but directed his attention from Phil back to Serelia. "Okay, so we need to get travel at night, any objections?"

"Nope," Dan said.

"No," Phil agreed.

"Hey who made you the leader?!" Litzu whined. Dan glared at her but said nothing.

"I'm the leader, any objections?" Serelia asked.

"Nope," Dan said.

"No," Phil agreed again.

"Democracy is messed up," Litzu muttered under her breath. Dan caught Phil's eye to see they were shining with amusement and it looked like he was having a hard time keeping a straight face.

The wolf sleeping in the corner sneezed and it made Dan jump. He blushed and crawled out of the bed. "Wow, our fearless prince, jumping at a little puppy sneeze," Phil teased.

"Shut up," Dan stood next to Phil and stretched again. He whined slightly at the pain, but it wasn't all that bad. "At least I finally got out of bed."

"True, true," Phil agreed. "I'll try not to sneeze and scare you." Dan slapped him on the arm.

"Are you guys always like this to royals?" He asked rhetorically. Dan wasn't really complaining, the lighthearted conversation and occasional joke were fine by Dan, but they were uncommon and Dan wasn't quite used to it. Most people acted like they had a stick shoved up their buts when they talked to Dan, he never just had a relaxed conversation with them.

"Yeah, we have no morals," Phil smiled and Dan was glad that Phil didn't take offense to his lame little joke.

"This isn't going to work if you guys are going to abandon all strategy talk to flirt every three minutes," Serelia snapped. "Keep in mind little Philly, Dan's practically married."

"Don't put it like that," Dan winced, cringing a little at Serelia's wording. It wasn't a lie, but it still made Dan a little uncomfortable. He wasn't married, or even engaged, yet. He was still technically a free man, even if it was only for a little while. Phil was kind of cute and all, but there was no way Dan could or would pursue a relationship with the man. Unless Phil was okay with having an affair... no, Dan couldn't do that, no matter how cute the boy was. He couldn't bring someone into that mess just for his own gain.

"We weren't flirting," Phil whined. Yeah, Phil really had a one track mind, Dan realized. He didn't even seem to care about the married thing. It was pretty true though, he was pretty much married. He wasn't flirting with Phil, intentionally, but he couldn't help if the boy was kind of attractive and maybe Dan's mind was sort of caught up on that a little. There wasn't anything wrong with it, but Dan couldn't be in a relationship with Phil.

Serelia rolled her eyes but continued to talk about how they were going to get to Troi, "So we need to continue to head north until the break in the trees, then comes the river, we probably don't have to worry about that and we have our little ticket right here," she nodded towards Dan who took a fake bow, not amusing anyone but Phil who covered his laugh with a cough. "Once we get there, Phil, Litzu, and I will get our reward and then we'll be on our way."

"That's a stupid plan," Litzu said. "What if they through us in the dungeon because they think we hurt princey boy here?" She asked, wrapping an arm around Dan's shoulders. Dan saw Phil shift in the corner of his vision but didn't pay much attention.

"They won't do that," Dan pipped, "not without reason, unless one of you is a convicted criminal?" It was more of a question than an explanation.

"Okay change of plans," Serelia said. "Phil will take Dan to the castle and I'll stay as far away from that glorified hole in the ground of torture as possible."

"Umm... yeah okay," Phil didn't really look like he was listening, he was starring at where Litzu had her arm on Dan. Why was he doing that? There had to be a reason, right? Jealousy was the only reason to come to Dan's mind. No, Dan scolded himself, he needed to get the idea of he and Phil being anything out of his head.

"Okay, um, Litzu, you can let go of me now," Dan said awkwardly, trying to wiggle out of her grasp. The realization that Phil was starring at them because of something like that made Dan uncomfortable. He didn't want Phil's gaze on him anymore, it was making him self conscious for no reason.

"Fine~," She sung. She didn't just let go of Dan like a normal person would of though, no. Instead, she pushed him into Phil, who let out a squeak as Dan slammed into him. They landed on the ground with a thud. Dan's face flushed as he noticed he was practically sitting on Phil. Then he realized that for some reason, Phil had his on Dan's hips. Okay, that was worse. (A/N don ac li u dun lik it danyul) Okay, maybe it was better. (A/N buttr&u bttr thank me l8r bc u luved it)

"Uh-I-um... sorry, are you okay?" Dan asked sheepishly. Phil smiled up at him and when he finally spoke amusement laced his voice.

"Oh wow Dan at least buy me dinner first," Phil teased, or was that flirting? No, it was teasing right? Just a joke. Then he winked. Dan might of had a heart attack just then.

"Uh-I-I'll get up," Dan squeaked. Phil nodded and took his hands off of Dan's waist. Dan got off of Phil and offered his hand to help Phil up, who gladly accepted.

"Litzu! We're trying to get them to stop trying to get in each other's pants, that's not how you get them to stop, idiot!" Serelia chided, slapping Litzu on the arm. Dan adjusted his hair, hands fidgeting for something to do.

"We're not-never mind I forgot to care," Phil said, rolling his eyes. Dan nodded his head in agreement though his face was still warm with embarrassment.

"So, on to more important matters," Serelia started. "We should rest today and then set out tonight, yeah?"

"Yeah," Dan and Phil said in unison. (A/N haha they're so married, NERDS)

"Sure," Litzu agreed for once. "Daniel, I'll give you some herbs to help you sleep. Come," she gestured with her hand for Dan to follow her and walked off. Dan eyed Phil like 'should I go or..?' Phil shrugged, so Dan decided to go. What's the worst that could happen? Okay, maybe there were some bad things that could happen, like homicide, or genocide. Maybe omnicide, which really wouldn't be all that bad if you thought about it, humans were terrible.

"Okay, so, where are we goin'?" Dan asked, trying to look and act casual. His breath kind of hitched in his throat a little, where was this weird healing lady taking him? What if she killed him? Or raped him? Okay, that was a bit much, Dan doubted that she would rape him.

"Shut up and wrap a blanket around yourself," she ordered. "We're going outside." Wow okay she was very very dominant, the rape thing was starting to sound more and more realistic. Dan obliged and walked over to grab a blanket. He mouthed "save me" to Phil as he did so, who just giggled and waved 'goodbye' to Dan. Dan rolled his eyes, trying to look annoyed, but ended up just smiling in amusement.

"Stop flirting," Serelia growled. Dan rolled his eyes again, but his smile was gone. He disliked Serelia more and more the more she did these things. He heard the growl of her wolf as if it was agreeing with its master. Dan wrapped it around him, painfully aware of the fact that everyone was starring at him.

Serelia started a conversation with Phil as Dan walked away, but Dan was aware that Phil never took his eyes off of Dan as he walked away. He would of made a little show of over exaggerating his hip movements, but he was trying to not flit with Phil. He didn't really want to either, well, maybe a little. He still didn't wave his hips though because if Serelia saw him she might make her wolf eat him. It was a stupid thought but Dan wouldn't put it past the woman, she seemed to really dislike Dan. A dark thought flew into Dan's brain. What if Serelia was... jealous? No, Dan didn't have time to overthink Serelia being a brat, it was probably just her personality anyway.

"Earth to Daniel," Litzu's voice shook Dan from his thoughts. Was she talking to Dan? Oh no, how much had she said?

"Er, what?" Dan stuttered. Litzu rolled her eyes and grabbed Dan's hand, pulling him out the already opened door. Uh, when did she open that? Dan still felt Phil's gaze as he walked out of the cabin. What was his problem? "So what do you need me for?" Dan struggled to keep his blanket on with his left hand as his right hand was kind of... in use.

"Not yet," She said, still holding Dan's hand. He wished she'd let go. He wished he could think of something other than glimmering blue eyes and dark fringe. The worst thing though was that he was starting to wish he didn't have to marry that princess. She was probably rude, she probably wasn't even remotely kind. Phil though-no. No thinking of Phil. "Get out of my head," Dan wanted to scream. He'd never felt like this before, he'd never fallen so quick. It wasn't love though, was it? No.

As a child, Dan never heard the phrase "I love you." Not to him, not exchanged between his parents, never. He knew people threw it around too much though, and he wasn't about to do that. He felt goosebumps when Phil's blue eyes met his brown ones, thinking of the boy made his heart jump into his throat, and the idea of just touching the boy made Dan's stomach knot and his cheeks burn, but it wasn't love. He didn't know that emotion and throwing it around wasn't something that excited him in the slightest. Love didn't sound... fun. The idea of you're entire life revolving around one person... that was terrifying. Relationships scared Dan even more, because love didn't hold a relationship together. Love wasn't enough, you needed more than that. What if Dan didn't have more than love? What if he didn't even have love?

A cold hand slapped Dan's face, making him jump. He realized that Litzu wasn't holding onto his hand anymore so he took the opportunity to hug his blanket closer because wow it was cold. Small flakes of frozen water drifted down from the sky, dancing to the ground slowly to join the other snow that still littered the forest floor.

"What the h-" Litzu cut him off. Ugh, he hated that. It was rude, and Dan wasn't used to being treated like that. His cheek burned from the contact and his mouth hung slightly ajar in shock.

"You need to stop thinking about Phil for five minutes to listen to me," Litzu hissed. Dan closed his mouth growled lowly in the back of is throat, but he kept his mouth shut, physically biting his tongue to keep from snapping. "That girls no good, the king's daughter, I mean."

"What do you mean?" Dan spat. He was curious, but what good was Litzu's word anyway? Dan knew little to nothing about the woman. For all he knew she was just about to kill him.

"She's just no good, she'll tear you up, that is if you make it to Troi alive," she told Dan, who was still skeptical. Dan was just about to ask another question when an arrow went flying right past his ear, hitting the tree behind him. Warmth trickled down his neck from his ear as he realized what just happened. An arrow was shot at him and it nicked his ear.

"Get down!" Someone yelled. Dan didn't though, he couldn't move. Was that Litzu that yelled that? No, it was a male's voice. It was familiar voice though, who was it?

Pressure. Pressure on Dan's chest and he fell to the ground on his back, the air escaped his lungs in a puff. Growling. Growling filled Dan's ears. Grey. Grey fur clouded Dan's vision.

Then he realized what had saved him. Serelia's familiar. He heard yelling in the distance, but it was a loud blur of sounds, all mixing together. He couldn't distinguish a single word. What was happening? The snow was cold, Dan was tired. Sleep... sleep sounded good. Dan was going to sleep.

Once again, Dan passed out.

---

He woke up on the soft bed in Litzy's house, warm blankets piled on top of him. His eyes fluttered open and everything was a blur, wow those lights were bright. He blinked a few times to try and focus his vision. He felt like he had a hangover, and Dan knew what that felt like. Dan was a lightweight and got drunk on half a glass of wine, so hangovers were normal for Dan.

"Hey, Dan," A soft voice cooed. It was a nice voice, Dan liked that voice. He liked the person it belonged to as well. Dan was so focused on the voice he didn't realize that it called him 'Dan'. Not Daniel, Dan. Or that they were alone. All he cared about was how Phil was sitting next to Dan's bed and how Dan liked his voice.

"M'I like your voice," Dan slurred. He felt like he was drunk and hungover at the same time. Yeah, that was a better way to describe it. Phil laughed. "M'like your laugh too."

"Litzu said that the herbs would make you tipsy, I didn't think she meant drunk out of your mind," Phil said, smiling. Dan liked his smile too. Dan liked his eyes. Dan liked his hair. Dan liked his everything.

"Noooo, I'm not drunk," Dan whined. "Don't say that." Dan pushed the blankets off of him. "Too hot."

"I hope Serelia and Litzu get back soon I have no idea what to do with you," Phil thought out loud. Dan sat up and just looked at Phil. Just admired him. Wow, he was pretty. Very very pretty. Phil bit his lip nervously under Dan's gaze, and oh freaking wow that was hot. It took all Dan had to not attack Phil right then and kiss him. Luckily Dan had some self control, even being slightly intoxicated. Dan broke the awkward eye contact though and looked away from Phil, at the wall behind him. Get a grip Dan, he thought to himself, get some self contr- his thought was cut off as pale thin lips pressed a kiss to his mouth.

Phil.

Phil was kissing Dan.

What?

The kiss was quick and shy though so as soon as it started it stopped. Dan didn't even have a chance to think, let alone kiss back. Dan wasn't very happy with that. A little peck that he didn't even react to.

"I-I'm sorry I shouldn't of-" Dan cut Phil off but returning the kiss, but with one actually worth something. Seriously, Phil's kiss was kind of pathetic. Any normal person wouldn't be happy with that, right? It wasn't weird that Dan felt a pull, urging him to press his mouth to Phil's. Dan's eyes fluttered closed as soon and he put his lips to Phil's.

Dan put a hand on Phil's neck, pressing himself closer to the blue eyed boy. Phil didn't miss a beat and kissed back without hesitation. Did he want this just as much as Dan did? Phil set a hand on Dan's side, then he moved it to Dan's lower back. He pushed Dan closed and Dan wasn't about to complain. His senses were on fire and everything in him craved Phil, wanted him closer. The wanting was so strong it hurt. It was a hunger for Phil that was burning in his chest, tearing him to pieces. Phil's other hand sat on Dan's left side, a gentle gesture that sent chills down Dan's spine.

Someone behind Phil cleared their throat and Dan and Phil sprang away from each other, faces burning a bright crimson. Dan looked up to see Serelia standing there, purple hood sitting on her head and snow dotting her clothing and hair. Her grey eyes blazed with something Dan couldn't read and her lips were pursed. Litzu stood next to her, smiling like an idiot. The wolf was sitting at their feet, also covered in snow.

"We leave you alone for five minutes," Serelia hisses, words sharp as daggers. Litzu clapped her hands together excitedly and took a breath to speak but Serelia shot her a glare and Litzu clamped her mouth shut.

"Um-I-Wait are you two a-oh my-I'm a terrible person," Dan stumbled over his words. Did he just ruin a relationship?

"No but Serelia thinks we are," Phil's voice was stone cold, which was new to Dan. He hasn't heard Phil talk this way before, he wasn't going to lie, it was hot.

"What do you mean 'thinks'?" Dan questioned. He felt stupid all of the sudden. He didn't get the whole relationship thing. Were they together or not..?

"Oh I'm sorry, I meant wishes," Phil growled, not taking his eyes off of Serelia, who was starring at Dan, eyes unforgiving and cold.

"I do not," Serelia spat back. "I hope you two are happy together with your little royal affair." She stormed out of the cabin, wolf dead on her trial.

"It's not an affair since I'm not married yet," Dan muttered under his breath, watching Serelia as she had her little fit.

"Don't mind her," Litzu sung. "Welcome to the I-kissed-Serelia's-boy-toy-so-now-she-hates-me club!"

"Is-the-uh-um, boy toy?" Dan raised his eye brows at Phil who was now looking at Dan since Serelia left. Phil shook his head 'no' immediately, somehow understanding what Dan meant. Dan was still kind of loopy from the herbs.

"She tried pretty flippin' hard but no, no way. Never," He insisted. "M'A little gay, no girls for me thank you very much," Dan snorted a little laugh at this, he wasn't sure why but he found it funny.

"I really don't want to marry that stupid princess, whatever her name is," Phil opened his mouth as if he was going to say her name but he kept it shut and let Dan finish. "It was kind of sad, really, I just gave up. I didn't care that I was being forced to some snobby princess that I didn't love. Isn't that pathetic?"

"I wouldn't say it's pathetic," Phil said. He eyed Dan's hand like he was going to hold it, but he ended up not even giving it a second glance. Maybe he didn't care about Dan in the same way Dan did him, but Dan didn't mind. He'd gotten the guy to kiss him, that's got to be more points than getting his hand held.

"I would," Litzu piped in. Phil shot her a glare and she put her hands up in defeat. "Right, lovey dovey happily ever after fairytale moment, gotcha."

"I really don't want to marry her," Dan repeated. Phil gave him a look of sympathy. His eyes trailed back to Dan's hand but he didn't touch it. Okay, now the little looks were starting to annoy Dan. "If you don't just grab my hand right now I swear I'm going to marry that brat of a princess just so I can throw you in the dungeon."

"M'sorry you're into bondage, hm? That's good to know," Phil teased but grabbed Dan's hand nevertheless. Dan's face flushed and he slapped Phil's arm with his free hand. "BDSM too?"

"Phil!" Dan yelped sheepishly.

"Wow aren't you vocal? Also good to know," Phil continued. At this point Dan was redder than a tomato and Litzu was laughing so hard in the background Dan thought she might wet herself. Phil giggled and his tongue poked out of his mouth as he did so. Wow that was hot. "Sorry I'll stop."

"Good," Dan sighed. Phil bit his lip and and knew that it was to keep himself from making a sexual joke. Dan just rolled his eyes and Phil bit his lip harder. "Wow how dirty is your mind?"

"You don't want to know," Phil shook his head, laughing to himself. "Well if you play your cards right you might find out for yourself someday," Dan blushed deeper and hid his face in his hand. "Wow you're such a bottom."

"And you're such a pain in the ass," Dan muttered. "Don't comment on that I just got it." He said when he looked up to see Phil struggling to hold in a laugh.

"So, are you guys up for running away from royal guards for... Well the rest of your lives?" Litzu pipped up, looking out the window. "Because it looks like you might have to, well, we might have to."

Dan and Phil made eye contact and smiled a little. "I'm down, what about you?" Dan asked.

"Well I mean I'm up," Phil winked and Dan face palmed.

"Do the innuendos ever stop?" He asked, laughing a little.

"Nope," Phil's smile was from ear to ear and he looked so so happy. Dan smiled as well.

"Good,"

"That was better than any stupid marriage vows any church could of made up," Phil chirpped.

"Isn't it a big early for marriage?"

"Says the gay prince who was just about to get married to some rude princess and didn't care," Phil quipped.

"Fair enough," Dan giggled.

And they lived happily ever after, running away from guards and making inappropriate jokes.

THE END

#phanfiction #phanfic #danisnotonfire #amazingphil #i hate this too #the ending is terrible #8k words of shit

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allofbeercom · 6 years ago

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5 Insane Subcultures That Might Become The Next Hipster

Guys, we’ve gone and done it: We broke hipsters. We’ve made fun of their $200 “vintage” shirts and fixies and craft-beer-spewing proboscises for so long that the very term has malfunctioned. “Hipster” is now a meaningless go-to insult for anyone who looks different from you, which is everyone. The hipster is gone. Beards can finally be un-ironic again.

However, as much as it pains me to say this, the death of the hipster is a problem. There must always be a dominant subculture — the one people love to hate until it occupies so much mind space that it actually hits the mainstream. A few of them actually die; strong ones such as punk come cackling back in the shadows before long, while others such as hippies gain public semi-acceptance and go on doing their thing. Even fucking emos have Hot Topic to remember them by. But, not hipsters — hipsters are going out like an IPA-tainted diarrhea fart. The mark they leave is distinct, but easily washable. They’ve been an unsustainable fad — the Kris Kross jeans of subcultures. So, now that they’re on the out, there’s a power vacuum, and attempts to fill it with more of the same (see “lumbersexuals” and “yuccies“) don’t seem to be gaining too much traction.

The balance of the universe is at stake. What we need is the next hipster: a fresh new stereotype to joke about/lust after (depending on your alignment) for the next few years. Seeing as I’m currently locked in the writing barrel, and the other columnists refuse to let me out until I find one, here goes:

#5. Raggare

I’ve never been a greaser myself because, frankly, I can only handle so much Buddy Holly, but I have a long-standing affinity toward 1950s aesthetics. That’s why it’s always pissed me off a little that, apart from a few fashion revivals and Stray Cats in the 1980s, the culture has been firmly sidelined from the mainstream for decades. Still, just because it’s not front and center doesn’t mean that it’s not evolving. In Sweden, strange things are happening:

It’s like Mad Max had a drinking competition with Grease, and everyone lost.

Raggare have been around since the 1950s, but they truly kicked into gear during the 1970s oil crisis: When America found it didn’t have money to drive its giant-ass cars, many Swedes said, “Fuck yes, American stuff for cheap,” and bought themselves a bunch of Buicks, Dodges, and suchlike in prime condition. The rock ‘n’ roll attitude arrived with the cars, and they’ve never stopped since. These days, raggare are a culture old enough to have subcultures of its own: the relatively mellow old-timers who tinker with their machines and arrange garage parties and drives, and the younger generation, who are feistier and, if the pictures are any indication, possess a very different attitude about their cars’ appearance.

Feber “I’m telling you, man, thatched car roofs are the next big thing.”

Hipster Pros:

Raggare have a look. They have a very specific thing that they do. Most importantly, they’re not just a phase you grow out of. Guys from the 1970s are still in the scene and have no intention of stopping. These guys could have actual lasting power.

Hipster Cons:

They’re seasonal. The raggare lifestyle is all about old cars, suede shoes, and painstakingly pomade-sculptured hair, all of which go right out of the window when mother nature decides to make your region eat a faceful of winter. For the colder portion of the year, many raggare tend to go around in modern cars and season-appropriate clothes and generally give more of an upstanding citizen vibe. Today’s Twitter-filled world is a hectic ol’ thing, and a subculture that goes into hibernation for a few months every year might not be able to survive even a single media cycle.

I am, of course, proposing that they should mod their cars into all-weather, all-terrain attack vehicles, M.A.S.K. style.

#4. Seapunk

Seapunk is a logical successor to the dominant subculture throne, in that it ticks all the right boxes: They have their own weird, house/hip-hop music, a distinct identity, and a look that sets them apart from everyone else. Also important: Said look is annoying as hell.

Aquaman’s emo years were no one’s proudest moment.

Even seapunk’s origin story is organic, reflects our times, and (most importantly) is easily stupid enough to warrant a torrent of jokes. Someone saw a dream about a leather jacket with barnacles instead of studs and tweeted it, shit went viral — and boom! Online joke becomes a meme, and meme becomes a subculture, complete with aesthetics that look like a tornado picked up the entire Burning Man festival and dropped it in the cartoon ocean part of Oz.

Hipster Pros:

They’re a fucking meme come to life! Plus, no one seems to be certain about whether this is an elaborate joke or an actual thing that exists. Suck on those irony levels, veterans of the hipster scene.

My money would be on the joke, but I think I actually have a shirt like that somewhere.

Hipster Cons:

It might be too late. We live in a time where most cool new things are almost immediately appropriated by the mainstream. So, barely a year into its short life, pop stars from Rihanna to Azealia Banks were already flirting with the seapunk aesthetic, stripping it of what little underground value it had. By most accounts, the movement largely fizzled out of existence by the end of 2012, meaning that the Mayan people were right about at least one small, sad apocalypse.

Even if there is a strong seapunk scene bubbling under the streets and just waiting to explode upon us in all its aquamarine glory, there’s the fact that apart from the 0.01 percent of seapunks with the looks, time, money, and eye for visuals to regularly look like a naval-themed wedding cake, pretty much every aficionado of the movement would end up looking as out of place as the left shark in Katy Perry’s Superbowl performance.

FUCK YEAH LEFT SHARK, YOU SHOW THEM!

This would, of course, be totally awesome and thus severely undermine the subculture’s ability to function as a hate sink.

#3. Gopniki

Weird Russia

There are plenty of working class cultures around the world that wear track suits and designer gear — British chavs, Polish dresy, Australian bogans, and gangsta rappers, for instance. However, those are not what we’re going to talk about today. Today, we’re all about the gopniki. They’re the Russian variation of the ghetto gangster theme and therefore, by default, 125 percent rougher around the edges and in possession of precisely none of all the fucks. If you see a weird YouTube clip about a 20-something in a cheap track suit doing an activity that makes you instantly nod and think: “Yep, Russia,” chances are it’s one of these guys.

Case in point.

Hipster Pros:

Every once in a while, society needs its dominant subculture to be more than just a remora sticking to pop culture’s underbelly. Sometimes, we need it to give us a good, hard slap on the balls and make us look in the mirror. It’s been a while since we had one of those, and none of the current ones fit the old “my son/daughter is not going to go out with one of those people” bill better than the gopniki.

Also, I’m completely on board with a rerun of the Slav squat meme.

Hipster Cons:

Gopniki are not known for their open-mindedness, but extremely so for their tendency to drunkenly fight anything that moves. Unless you’re a terrible person, they’re not going to agree with your political views too much and, on occasion, might be inclined to do their disagreeing with the soles of their Adidas instead of angry blogging.

So, while a gopnik might be a very good target for a casual “ugh, can you believe what I saw one of those fucking gopniki do today at Starbucks?” said offensive activity might involve a lot less pretentious screenplay writing with an actual typewriter and a lot more high-impact slurs and poor impulse control.

Also, I really, really don’t want that goddamned slicked-forward inverted mullet hairstyle half of them seem to sport to catch on. I still haven’t recovered from topknots.

Actually, yeah, let’s pass these fucking guys. Besides, I have a much better candidate just around the corner …

#2. Haul People

Back in the murky depths of 2011, Cracked’s resident trend expert Daniel O’Brien became baffled by a phenomenon known as haul videos. They’re seemingly random YouTube clips where girls fawned over their shopping “hauls” on-camera and, for some inexplicable reason, raked in five- to six-figure views.

I remember this well. Back then, it seemed like just another weird kink of the Internet, a video version of a meme. Surely, people have long since grown bored of watching a bunch of creepy kids wave their purchases at the camera and wandered away to watch more cat videos or someth-

… ing.

6.7 million views? Actual production values? What the shit?

Sure, they’re still not particularly widely known, but they’ve been moving and shaking in the marginal like no one’s business. The people who make haul videos used to be called haul girls, but now that guys are in on the action, too, I don’t think the community really has a name yet — haulers? Haulsters? I’m just going to go ahead and call them “haul people” and hope it’ll stick until the Mole Man mishears the name and attempts to enslave them all. Many of the more successful ones have PR agents and deals with fashion and cosmetic companies. They have been featured on Good Morning America. They have a distinct identity, albeit that of vapid fucks yammering about consumer products to unseen audiences. There are even people who make haul parodies. If that level of sadness doesn’t ruin your day, I don’t know what will.

Hipster Pros:

Easier to hate than a shit-smeared street performer singing Nickelback, yet inexplicably popular enough to have some semblance of legitimacy. Those are the main definitions of, well, every fucking successful subculture in history, and haul people pass them with flying flags.

Flags that they shape out of giant shopping bags.

Hipster Cons:

They’re not ready just yet.

Although they have vast potential as a highly visible subculture that everyone will do their level best to forget in five years’ time, haul people currently lack direction. They’re basically low-key corporate shills, buying/getting junk and peddling it for us. However, the extreme popularity of fringe haul genres such as unboxing videos shows promise for something much, much grander and more stupid. Give it a year or two; I have hope that the community will find certain defining themes and Flanderize itself into something we can truly be baffled by on an ironic-mustache level.

#1. These Fucking Guys

For the love of G’huul the Great Eater, keep the sound on.

Hipster Pros:

All of them.

Hipster Cons:

None. We’re done here. I don’t care who these people really are. I don’t care what they’re supposed to be doing. All I know is that they look like an explosion at the My Little Pony factory’s neon paint subsidiary, and someone edited the Thomas The Tank Engine theme to sync with their goofy-looking space outfit flailing. That is the level of bafflement we need right now, friends, and I now want these guys to explode all over our pop culture fucking yesterday — preferably, while contractually obligated to carry a boom box that blasts out the Thomas theme 24/7.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-insane-subcultures-that-might-become-the-next-hipster/

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racingtoaredlight · 6 years ago

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What else are you gonna do with your stupid life? College football watch ‘em ups for week 2 (officially) of the 2018 season

I’m all in on the rebirth of the run & shoot and don’t know if I have enough caring in me to write about every game this week. FUCK IT WE’LL DO IT LIVE!

Disclaimers about time zones and other sites and what the fuck ever go here. It doesn’t matter, we rake in like zero ad dollars from these posts.

This week is an oddity due to a lack of off-day games. Just one Friday and no others. I kind of wish every week was like this but I think this is the only one for the year.

Saturday, September 8

Matchup Time (ET) TV/Mobile

Arizona at Houston 12:00pm ABC/ESPN2 (RM

Khalil Tate and Kevin Sumlin might just be a match made in hell. Ed Oliver has personally humiliated some great dual-threat QBs in the past but I don’t know if Tate is actually a threat through the air. Not sure what that means for the all-important stats.

Duke at Northwestern 12:00pm ESPNU

Northwestern sucks. I’ll still root for them but they’re not good.

Eastern Michigan at Purdue 12:00pm BTN

The nation’s leader in all-purpose yards at home against EMU? Hell yes.

Georgia Tech at USF 12:00pm ABC/ESPN2 (RM)

I almost made a national champions joke but USF and UCF are actually different schools. Not by much, mind you. Based on one week against stiffs I have the impression this is a good year for the Ramblin’ Wreck.

Liberty at Army 12:00pm CBSSN

Army doesn’t even play a cool version of the option. This game is a pox.

Mississippi State at Kansas State 12:00pm ESPN

A bunch of guys who will play in the NFL next year are playing against each other for teams that will combine to lose 10+ games this year. This is a headache in a bag. I think I’d take KState +8 and the over of 54.5.

Nevada at Vanderbilt 12:00pm SECN

Oddly enough, I’d be totally into this one if Vandy were flying West for a 10pm kickoff. This version looks terrible, though.

New Mexico at Wisconsin 12:00pm BTN

Can’t wait for Hornibrook to end up getting a Heisman invite. He’s Wisconsin’s answer to Gino Torretta.

Towson at Wake Forest 12:00pm ACCNExtra

I’ve always thought of it as “Nextra” but then I saw it written as ACCNE and now there’s no going back.

Western Michigan at Michigan 12:00pm FS1

I know I’m stupid and crazy but I haven’t sold all of my Harbaugh stock just yet. I’ve heard about how he’s not a college coach and he’ll be back in the NFL next year but I can’t shake the feeling that he can still get things to click with just a little more time.

Georgia State at NC State �� 12:30pm RSN

NC State lost a ton of talent to the pros this year and the next in line from QBU isn’t really as great as his offseason draft hype. Georgia State is absolutely going to beat the spread.

Holy Cross at Boston College 1:00pm ACCNExtra

Somehow this battle for Boston reminded me of somebody explaining in excruciating detail about how BC isn’t in Boston and it just makes me hate that place and its people all over again.

UCLA at Oklahoma 1:00pm FOX

UCLA generally doesn’t do very well in early games and Oklahoma’s talent level is very obviously higher than the Bruins at every position. I don’t know what point to make here. Hopefully Rodney Anderson gets more than 5 carries this week but he might not need to.

Air Force at Florida Atlantic 2:00pm CBSSN / Facebook

FAU got murdered by Oklahoma last week so I’m a little bit intrigued by how Lane bounces back. Vegas really likes the Owls but I’m not really sure why.

Portland State at Oregon 2:00pm Pac-12N

This is some high quality trash. I won’t watch it due to dumb circumstances but I’d enjoy it if I could.

William & Mary at Virginia Tech 2:00pm ACCNExtra

The Hokies looked pretty good against FSU. I forgot all about Josh Jackson since he missed the 2017 season but I think he’s a pretty good college QB.

Kansas at Central Michigan 3:00pm ESPN Plus

What can you say about Kansas football without laughing maniacally?

Arkansas State at Alabama 3:30pm ESPN2

Red Wolves vs. Crimson Tide should be some sort of rivalry. Bama looks every bit as good as expected so this will probably be a bloodbath. In red.

Ball State at Notre Dame 3:30pm NBC

Notre Dame gets to walk around like a top 10 team for now but a 7-point win over Michigan at home in a game that felt like a blowout doesn’t strike me as a springboard to a CFB Playoff berth. Brian Kelly is still a shitty murderer so fuck him.

Buffalo at Temple 3:30pm ESPN3

Tyree Jackson threw 6 TDs last week while Temple was losing to Villanova. The result? Temple is favored by 5. That seems wrong. Are there really people betting their hearts in what looks like a classic degenerate’s matchup?

Colorado at Nebraska 3:30pm ABC

Big 8 rivals square off in the first game (probably!) of the Scott Frost era. Smart money is probably on Colorado.

Georgia at South Carolina 3:30pm CBS

If Coach Boom is going to make the most of his great roster he needs to spring the upset here. That doesn’t seem crazy to me so look for UGA to win by 40.

Howard at Kent State 3:30pm ESPN Plus

A bunch of 1-AA teams are in the watch ‘em ups for a second time this week but Howard is closest to my heart. Love the Bison to trample the Gun Girls.

Memphis at Navy 3:30pm CBSSN

This is the only game most years where I cheer against Memphis. I don’t have a great feeling about this Navy team, though, so my advice for you who are wondering is to put the mansion on Memphis to win by more than 6 and for the over to hit some time in the third quarter.

Morgan State at Akron 3:30pm ESPN Plus

I’ll leave this one to Soused.

North Carolina at East Carolina 3:30pm ESPNU

This game was in the maybe watch column on SB Nation’s grid this week and I can’t comprehend why this is anything but AVOID!!!!! even if they don’t offer that designation.

Rutgers at Ohio State 3:30pm BTN

Ohio State is out here with a boatload of talent and a scheme that mostly runs itself in games like this. I wish all bad things on the Ohio State football program but they have some really great players that I don’t hate.

Wagner at Syracuse 3:30pm ACCNExtra

Eric Dungey’s quest for a rushing title continues.

ETSU at Tennessee 4:00pm SECN

Without looking I think Tennessee is probably favored. By too much.

Lamar at Texas Tech 4:00pm FSN / FSGo

I make jokes about Lamar being just some dude every year and it’s dumb but I can’t look at Lamar and not think it’s just some dude instead of a team.

Southern Illinois at University of Mississippi 4:00pm SECNA

What’s up with fixing the mascot name but not the other super racist allusion in your sports programs? Progress of some sort, I guess. This is a body bag game of the lowest caliber.

Iowa State at Iowa 5:00pm FOX

Potentially cool game at college football’s most heartwarming stadium. Nothing here not to love.

North Dakota at Washington 5:00pm Pac-12N

Is this the same school that Carson Wentz went to? I’m not looking it up. A lot of you were all in on Auburn trashing UDub last week but that didn’t actually happen. Washington could still win 12 straight and end up back in playoff contention, even without their star LT.

Appalachian State at Charlotte 6:00pm ESPN Plus

Wild to think this is 1-A on 1-A.

Maryland at Bowling Green 6:00pm ESPN Plus

It was funny to see Texas lose and all but let’s all remember to hate the fuck out of Maryland’s coaches and program from here to eternity.

Savannah State at Miami (FL) 6:00pm ACCNExtra

There is no reason for most people to give a shit about this game but I’m interested to see if the freshman QBs are really bad or if Mark Richt is just being way too conservative with his roster by starting Malik Rosier. My gut says nobody is worse for this team than Rosier. I know Ahmmon Richards, for one, agrees with me.

SC State at UCF 6:00pm ESPN3

Here’s the national champs. Not gonna lose the winning streak here.

UMass at Georgia Southern 6:00pm ESPN Plus

Now we’re getting into some good degeneracy. There are too many other games at this same time to really dive into this shitfest but it’s real as hell to me.

Youngstown State at West Virginia 6:00pm ATTSN

I was looking at games on CBS Sports and they didn’t have a channel listed for this game. ATTSN = AT&T Sports Network, guessing a DirecTV exclusive? I love Holgo even if I kinda hate the Air Raid.

Eastern Kentucky at Marshall 6:30pm ESPN Plus

Here’s another great backup game. I don’t know if anybody good is on either team this year.

Baylor at UTSA 7:00pm CBSSN / Facebook

Ugh. Fucking Baylor. Go the fuck away forever, Baylor.

Clemson at Texas A&M 7:00pm ESPN

Until about 5 years ago Clemson and aTm were actually the same program. Now Clemson is a legit 5-star program and I fucking hate it. Not enough to root for the Aggies, mind you. Talent watching is pretty good in this one but the idea of Jimbo Fisher falling flat on his face in Aggieland is too good not to dream about.

Florida A&M at Troy 7:00pm ESPN Plus

Let’s go Rattlers!

Indiana State at Louisville 7:00pm ACCNExtra

Petrino might be on the verge of sunsetting unless he flukes his way into another megastar. Louisville looks like the most ACC of ACC teams right now even though they have no business being in the conference. This should be an AAC team all the way.

Southeastern La. at LSU 7:00pm ESPN2

I want to whisper to all of you that LSU really isn’t all that good but I’m typing and you’re maybe reading it instead.

Southern at LA Tech 7:00pm ESPN Plus

Louisiana Tech is one of my pet stupid programs. I always think they’re one random star recruit away from becoming the next offense lab in college football. This probably isn’t the year, though.

Texas Southern at Texas State 7:00pm KNVA/ESPN3

If anybody has more than a gambling interest in this one I am dying to hear about it. Seriously. Explain yourself.

UAB at Coastal Carolina 7:00pm ESPN Plus

Last week I insulted UAB’s football program and they went out and won 52-0, their first shutout victory in 10 years. So let me continue my campaign for them to drop the program again.

ULM at Southern Miss 7:00pm ESPN3

I don’t think I realized until right now that CUSA is the surviving shell of the old Metro Conference. I thought the Metro just died. Anyway, CUSA football is MACtion for degenerates. Meaning that I like it. This game got a shoutout on the NFL’s season opener so maybe it will draw an audience in the hundreds.

UT Martin at Middle Tennessee 7:00pm ESPN Plus

The Tee Martins are back! How does it feel to play football your whole life and go to college for football and then realize that you’re playing for the team that’s being paid to lay down to Middle Tennessee State? Not even like Wake Forest or somebody like that - worse! It still sounds kind of fun but embarrassing at the same time.

Wyoming at Missouri 7:00pm ESPNU

Drew Lock has some similar physical traits to Wyoming’s QB from last year but I think he’s gotten better coaching. Similar arm talent(!!!) at least. I don’t know about the raw athleticism which, no shit, Josh Allen has tons of. Anyway, Missouri should stomp all over Wyoming.

Samford at Florida State 7:20pm ACCNExtra

The Bobby Bowden Bowl! The immediate reactions to Willie Taggert at FSU were loud and angry but he needs some time to sort through the weird mess that the team devolved into last year. I don’t think he can keep running the offense he had at USF with this roster, though, and he needs to figure that out quickly.

Alabama State at Auburn 7:30pm SECNA

The Littlest Iron Bowl! Auburn is another team that didn’t look great to me in week 1. And they don’t have any obvious path to the playoffs.

Arkansas at Colorado State 7:30pm CBSSN

This might be the farthest an SEC team has traveled for a regular season game this century.

FIU at Old Dominion 7:30pm beIN SPORTS

Keep the faith in Butch Davis. It’ll turn out pretty well in the end. I think.

Fresno State at Minnesota 7:30pm FS1

I think CSU-Fresno had the highest point total in the country in week 1 but it came against 1-AA Idaho State. Yeah, I just wanted to drop a mention to Idaho State as a (once again) 1-AA team. This game is probably trash but it has the decency to be a dumb night game that nobody will notice unless it gets wild.

Incarnate Word at North Texas 7:30pm ESPN Plus

This is truly bottom of the barrel stuff but UNT does have the nation’s leader in passing yards per game!

Kentucky at Florida 7:30pm SECN

UF is really heavily favored to win their 32nd straight against Kentucky but why? The line is only 14 but odds are weighted like 88% for the Gators to win. Kentucky sucks but doesn’t Florida?

Maine at WKU 7:30pm ESPN Plus

A lot of oddball evening games this week. I like it.

Utah at NIU 7:30pm ESPNews

Northern Illinois got blown out by Iowa last week. Utah looked like hell for the first 30 minutes against Weber State. I don’t have a point. Utah will probably win by 20.

Virginia at Indiana 7:30pm BTN

UVA and IU are more similar than dissimilar historically speaking. This game makes me annoyed just knowing that it’s going to happen and that it’s on Big Ten Network. Get your shit together, Hoos.

Western Illinois at Illinois 7:30pm BTN

It would be so Lovie Smith to lose this game.

Cincinnati at Miami (Ohio) 8:00pm Raycom / ESPN3

I agree with what Ohio State fans were saying a few years back: Luke Fickell sucks.

New Mexico State at Utah State 8:00pm Facebook

Facebook? For this one? Boo hiss. This is prime gambling athletics, nobody should be tracking you as you watch this one.

Nicholls at Tulane 8:00pm ESPN3

Nicholls! The Nicholls Nickels! Tulane doesn’t get a lot of easy wins but I think we can all agree with some bit of confidence that Tulane may suck loudly but they’re still better than Kansas.

Penn State at Pitt 8:00pm ABC

I have an unhealthy and unrealistic need for Pitt to win this game.

Sacramento State at San Diego State 8:00pm No TV (!!!)

What in the goddamn fucking hell is SDSU doing with no TV coverage in 2018? Christ almighty. This is hilarious.

South Alabama at Oklahoma State 8:00pm FSN

I wish South Alabama was good enough to at least put the fear of god in Okie State but they really aren’t. Expect a typical early season massacre from the Cowboys.

Southern Utah at Oregon State 8:00pm Pac-12N

What the hell is this?

Tulsa at Texas 8:00pm LHN

Tulsa only beat Central Arkansas by 11 last week but Texas lost to Maryland. 23 points might be too much to expect for the Longhorns at this juncture.

USC at Stanford 8:30pm FOX

The Pac-12 is known for two things: bad scheduling and bad referees. Also, bad defenses so that makes three things. This is bad scheduling. Why is the most marketable game of your whole conference year happening in week 2 at 8:30pm EST? This is absolutely moronic.

UTEP at UNLV 9:00pm ATTSN

Ever since it popped into my head last year or the year before I just can’t get over UNLV being confederate-themed. What the hell is that?

California at BYU 10:15pm ESPN2

This is actually beautiful scheduling which makes me think BYU came up with it themselves. Great uniform matchup even if both teams stink.

UConn at Boise State 10:15pm ESPN2/ESPNU

Haha, UConn. What are you doing? How did this program actually make it to major bowl game in the last 10 years? They’re 31-point underdogs playing past their bedtimes against an OK-at-best Boise State team. This somehow feels earned.

Michigan State at Arizona State 10:45pm ESPN

Really not sure how Sparty agreed to this one but if I have one strong conviction from week 1 it’s that Herm Edwards should have stayed a TV talking head and left the coaching game to everybody else.

San Jose State at Washington State 11:00pm Pac-12N

Very fine watchin’ ‘em up here. You have to catch them all.

Rice at Hawai’i 11:59pm Spectrum

Spectrum is a station? Spectrum is a cable company. Anyway, Rice played Ed Oliver last week and now they have to face early RTARLsman frontrunner Cole McDonald. I’m cautiously bandwagoning for Hawai’i.

#football #college football #degenerate football #tv watch em ups #saturday post

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