#its too much theres too much stress it hurts.

[uhhhitsme]

24, 29 and 32 Curt?

-24- best memory

i think he would tell himself its the berlin mission in 1956. i haven't nailed down any of the details for what went on DURING the mission exactly, but it would entail owen doing something crazy stupid for curt, and the two of them emerging victorious and covered in blood and more in love than ever. it solidified to him the idea that together, they're unstoppable, and eased some of curt's anxiety about whether or not the ocean of feelings curt has for owen is matched.

but really, it was something from earlier in their relationship---june of 1954. owen had gotten himself decently hurt on a mission---not serious enough that curt was afraid for him, but serious enough that it couldn't be ignored. curt insisted on patching owen up, and unlike every other time curt has had to take care of him, owen let him do it without a fight. and there was this moment where curt looked up from his work, halfway through a passionate speech about why it was essential that he keep a bottle of whiskey and a bag of chips in his medkit, and caught owen looking at him with eyes full of light. and for a moment, he was overwhelmed with the knowledge that owen had trusted him with this. trusted curt to take care of him. let curt see him at his most vulnerable.

after, when they went to bed. owen kissed him in the gentle, comforting way that he typically reserved for when curt was hurt, or when thought curt was too out of it to notice. curt read him to sleep, and then stayed up for hours---heart bursting with an emotion so indescribable, so impossible it made his head spin. the kind of feeling you get falling.

-29- quirks and personal habits

curt paces a LOT. not just when he's stressed---literally whenever he feels too much about anything, happy or frustrated or thinking about owen. when he can't pace, he bounces his leg or clasps his hands together so tight you can see the tension running through his arms.

during the winter, he gets dry lips, and he never can stop himself from picking them. he refuses to use lip balm (partially because of toxic masculinity and partially because he hates how it feels).

he has really poor volume control and often doesn't realise when he's being too loud (which made stealth training hell for him when he first started out.) he also gets really really loud when he's excited/afraid.

he sings to himself to get earworms out of his head. depending on the song, it either drives owen bananas or is ridiculously endearing

he listens to a lot of radio, even if he doesn't particularly enjoy it.

he hates quiet, and avoids his apartment like the plague

he hasnt changed the hair product he uses since he was recommended it by a girlfriend in high school

-32- toxic traits

massive inferiority complex that results in him doing very inadvisable things for the sake of trying to prove his own worth

very easily jealous---falls under the whole inferiority complex thing a little, but he can get really bitter when he sees others praised, especially in areas he takes pride in (like spying)

he's constantly trying to present this sort of hypermasculine effortless suave persona, and as a result, can be a dismissive asshole when he thinks he's letting too much of his emotion show

on that note, he doesn't handle vulnerability well. like At All. which, tbf, neither does owen

oftentimes abrasive and just a little bit self-centered, sometimes gets way too caught up in his own shit to pay attention to others needs (although he tries really, really hard with owen)

i feel like theres a word for this, but that thing where you do things without fully conceptualizing the potential consequences of an action until they're staring you in the face. its gotten him into way too much trouble

has a very black and white worldview and........doesn't fully see a lot of his enemies as human, or feel empathy for them. he's very stubborn about what's right and wrong

HE'S LITERALLY A SPY FOR THE US GOVERNMENT WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO SAY

mind you these are the biggest things off the top of my head. there's probably more. love this terrible freak <3

[pizzapizzadickz]

I feel very bad. I know I keep fucking up and saying the wrong thing and I just have to keep hoping one day I won't wind up fucking a social situation so badly I lose my job or something.

I'm so fucking tired. It feels like everything is just a simulation. Like. Everything outside of my little daily routine is fake. There's nothing. Everything looks wrong. I'm so tired.

[suffarustuffaru]

ok but im getting emo over heinkel again so im gonna talk about him again because yeah hes yet another sad character in a sea of sad characters and i love rezero for that but like he is a character consistently characterized by one loss after the other. it's a rollercoaster and its going straight fucking down and he is so miserable and absolutely alone and its both his fault and not his fault at all. but the way it starts is - its all out of his control. the more you think about the trajectory of his life the sadder it gets.

imagine you are heinkel and your parents are the sword saint and the sword demon and you come from a long line of knights and sword saints so thats almost definitely where youre headed, right? thats whats expected of you. you are nineteen years old and youre a knight in the royal guard, which was expected of you, and you have a wife and a beautiful baby boy, which was also expected of you, but at least you have so much joy and love for the latter while the former is just another chain on the astrea family line of people who are stuck to knighthood whether they like it or not. but your family is also just another chain because youre nineteen and your mother is still the sword saint and youre playing with fate here because either youre going to be the sword saint or your son will be.

your wife, the only equal you have, falls asleep one day and never wakes up. you are twenty-one years old and a single parent and then you are twenty-three years old and your son's fate is so much bigger than youll ever be. having the worlds love means that your love pales in comparison, doesnt it? everyone knows about your comatose wife because you keep searching so much for a cure that its just another thing to gossip about. every year that passes by she just continues to look the same as she did when she was awake and alive and loved you. (you dont know it yet but your son is going to reach the same age as her, because you dont find a cure for another sixteen years and you know that she wont love you anymore because who does? theres no one left because your son doesnt count.)

and everyone knows about you because of your family. because yeah, youre a good swordsman, but youre not liked by anyone in the knights. youre not a friend and youre certainly not a sword saint or sword demon. your son mind controls someone because he loves you so much that he would do anything for you and looks up to you like youre some hero, but youre just a wreck whos scrambling to keep what little you have. youre twenty-four and you lose your mom because you were too scared to go on the mission you were assigned on, because youre a coward and youre in over your head and you know, because everyone knows, that you dont measure up. you could never be prepared for this. in a long line of people who have to carry the weight of the world, you crumble easily. your mom goes on that mission and dies and your son becomes the sword saint like this was always going to happen. this is what being loved by the world means. you just killed your mom because you just couldnt suck it up and die on that mission instead. on top of that, your dad says that your five-year-old god of a son killed your mom. its just you and your son and the two of you both killed your mom but youre the worlds biggest laughing stock and your son is the up and coming hero and monster. but you still love your son. you really do.

right?

[mypeggableromance]

.

[gay-fordeath]

.

[lunarflare64]

A little while ago we made the decision to start trying to respond properly to social scripts (like saying "you too" when someone says "have a nice day"), and we knew it wouldn't be easy, it doesn't come naturally to us at all, of course we'd fuck it up a lot. But the fuck ups have turned out to be worse than what we used to do (cutting the script in half basically, having it only be one sided), we have been trying, but the issue is that when we pick up on someone using a script we only ever seem to do it after they've said it, so we only know that a script has been used, not which one, meaning we have no clue what was said or what to respond with, and we have to decide what to respond with IMMEDIATELY so with barely a second to work with we have NO chance of guessing it right. Its very upsetting, we don't want to do this, being seen as rude is better than this, we want to go back, its fucking humiliating to mess up that bad that often with no way of fixing the problem, we hate scripts so much, its socially enforced fake bullshit, we want to undo this attempt at progress, but the damage has been done and now we're automatically saying RANDOM SOCIAL SCRIPT RESPONSES and its so fucking upsetting, if we cant get this right can we please just get rid of it, we hate this so much

[whomturgled]

i have so many feelings and i hate it

[caffeinatedopossum]

Damn. So you know how I always say I have a headache? I JUST NOTICED it's my entire head that hurts. Like no wonder I don't understand when people ask "what part of your head?" Like bitch, all of it!

My eyes, my ears, my mouth, my entire skull, all of it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[downfallofi]

Forgive me, thought not complete, need more tags

[enlichened]

ocd is so interesting to manage because you simply cannot know which compulsions you can indulge that will make your life slightly easier and which ones will become a rabbit hole that makes it all tumble down.

for example just barely after i start getting anxious about something happening to my friends/loved ones, I clench my right fist three times and then hold it for a second (sometimes to my chest, sometimes with the other hand). and it genuinely helps! i feel like i did something that, even if its not realistic or effective at all, was still something to Do with the anxiety. and kind of sweet sentiment-wise.

on the other hand. never let me check on a loved one while theyre in the other room or else ill die.

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

[skyeateyourdonuts]

one sec plz

[fortunately-bi]

...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈

[the-acid-pear]

:[ <- fell down

[junkie-virus]

rlly feeling izzys “EKE by” speech rn