#when you interect with people it really feels like youre playing the lottery. especially bc i never win | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pizzapizzadickz · 2 years ago

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I feel very bad. I know I keep fucking up and saying the wrong thing and I just have to keep hoping one day I won't wind up fucking a social situation so badly I lose my job or something.

I'm so fucking tired. It feels like everything is just a simulation. Like. Everything outside of my little daily routine is fake. There's nothing. Everything looks wrong. I'm so tired.

#diary #personal #dissacociation #its so stressful. i just. say the wrong thing. do the wromg thing. act the wrong way.#when you interect with people it really feels like youre playing the lottery. especially bc i never win #ugh. i did get to see the presumably autistic person on the bus again rocking. it was a guy apperently! exciting!!#i really should research that theres no other disorders that tend to cause that display of symptoms.#i really dont wish to be too presumptuous. its quite rude #i. feel like shit. i cant do anything stupid bc ill be seeing a rheumatologist next week.#so i try not to do anything dumb when i know ill be on display for someone #i really hope it wont be too bad of an appointment. i dont wanna have to walk out or something. but i dont really have high hopes.#drugs tw #self harm #god i just wanna like. get high on something and hurt myself.#whenever i make a social mistake. especially when im already overwhelmed i tend to hit myself #idk. i just do. bc i cant handle it.#and i wish i was high bc im far too hyperaware of everything and its excruciating #i hate this. ive worked 3 days straight. and i have to work tomorrow too. its too much.#...i just wanna die. idk. not really. i mostly just want this pain to stop. i want to like. recover for a bit.#its too much theres too much stress it hurts.#suicidal ideation

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