#its so fucking weird too bcs as the body its just like
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having really vivid source memories is fucking weird, esp when im close to source.
like. im just vibing then suddenly *vivid memory of me brutally killing someone* and its just like. yeah. that happens sometimes.
#its so fucking weird too bcs as the body its just like#some other random person on the street#versus i have this shit that theyd probably want me locked up for thinking#anyway#its even weirder bcs im really close to source n feel like my source still#like. yeah i did that it happened what about it#-anon#sysblr#system#plural#plurality#fictive#source memories#introject
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BURST💥
#get fucked eardrums#first caption i thought of was 'music's too loud' but like it didnt have the punch.#anyways i keep on doing terrible things to this man youre welcome btw#hi fi rush#chai hi fi rush#hi fi rush chai#my art#this is a side comment but i bet chai could still fight to the music even when deaf (temporary or otherwise)#bc im sure he can like Feel the music through his body even when his ears are out of commission#like not only is that the case for a lot of Deaf people in reality but also#as a headcanon i think his player in his chest would let him feel the beat even better so#so i think if this were a permanent thing hed be super bummed and uncomfortable with the silence at the beginning#feeling weirded out by how he has to navigate the world now#but i think he'll adjust and come to terms with it with only mild difficulty#music is still a part of him (literally)#its just different now#(though language is another matter entirely)
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whats ur fucking deal
#GGGRRRRRRGRRRR GGRGAGGHHH#despicable me#maxime le mal#felonious gru#gruxime#spread the word.#pre transition maxime if anyone gaffffffff#realising i can just draw shit and not have to explain myself or provide full context. awesome (provides anyway)#non descript minion. i like the idea that they go to school w gru in like shifts each week#maxime has a cokcroach ☝️ on his shoulder#they look so fucking stupid next to each other i cant get them to look normal. sorry gru ur built so weird#i need to do more kinda doodly stuff and not alwayssss full pieces#this uniform is pretty cute btw but strange that the trousers and skirt colours r different?#i mean actually. my school did that at one point but its still odd to me#btwwwwww design notes.#was torn abt giving gru his scarf but i thought it wld clash too much. for me i feel the tie serves the same purpose#looking at the One scene we see the uniform it seems the dress code is… not soooo tight? but this is also 30/40 yrs prior soooo idk#(also yeah debatably the uniform wld have been different. but fuckkkk that shit)#forrrrr maxime i like to think his glasses r like actually prescription but he uses tinted ones bc 1. he saw nefario once and was like#‘FUCKKK THATS KINDA CRAZY COOL’ and stole the idea#and also 2. he is light sensitiveeeeeee. :3#gloves r again mostly cus of sensory issues but also this kinda body dysmorphia thing he has going on#samew the socks.#was considering tights buttttt i didnt see any of the students wearing them and also booooo tights suck. so just knee length socks#so he can get around dress code andddd still cover up more#plusssss it lets him not have to shave his legs :T#shoes i didnt see any pattern i assume u can just wear whatever lollll#i give him a hairclip toooooo just cus theyre cute. and put some greeeeen in itttt#btw drew the minion w the gay flag then realised it wldnt make sense w maxime being pre transition but#i think its funnier to imply the minion just sees right thru him immediately
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for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........
#MOTHER FFFFUCKER#to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants#im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night#at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn#to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS#the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori#but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey#consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!!#just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick#outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to#animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better#at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH#i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc#im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over#where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands#there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE#ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles#but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your#health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!!#im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves#also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet#im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to#have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to#to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up#their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ#yapping
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Do you ever think about all the women in jjk that don't even get a second to be mourned?
#like I love this story but thinking about any female character in it breaks my heart#like not even the obvious main girls that got killed for basically no story payoff#I thinking about ppl like kaori too#how we never even got to experience the horror of everything kenjaku's done with her we just get a flashback to further develop yuuji#like literally the vilest shit done to women in the story are footnotes that the characters don't even blink at and it's a lil bit fucked up#like I love gege's writing don't get me wrong#but I WISH they'd give a shit about any female characters as much as the male characters#like it just makes me sad I want so much more from all of them#but the only one still being treated as worth anything in the story is a stand in for another male character at this point#like there is no single panel of maki where toji isn't looming over her and it makes me SAD#toji was cool af but maki would NOT become him she is nothing like him and the fact that they're basically the same rn makes me kinda mad#maki shouldve become ANGRY and violent and a complete opposite to toji personalitywise bc that wld be more in line with her pre culling game#jjk spoilers#it fucks me up that the only person that ever got mourned for body snatching was gojo like not even geto really got that#besides gojo mourning him (which he also didn't get to do) no one really acknowledges the horror of kenjaku's whole thing#its weird for me too for a story so obssessed with the idea of a 'proper death' kenjakus perverted immortality isnt rly criticised#at least not as much as you'd think
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Mentally ill boy whines again. Solution: Get Out Of There
#im fucking TRYING too as well and it's just constant fucking roadblocks or my body screaming to self sabotage and quit and kill ourselves an#d ruin our body and flay ourselves and repent and beg for forgiveness for being a body of sin like. GOD. I'm so tired of it!!!!! and i can'#even stop it because i csnt change my innner voice or the weird neurotic way kf thinking bc my brain goes '#'its keeping us safe! safe! safesafesafe!' bc of Oh Boohoo you got '''''neglected'''' as a child and had your needs not met' well mommy and#daddy sajd they loved you grow up. you got 'locked in your room' and had your apologies ignored ok well youre making a BIG deal about this#top crying boohoo you got bullied. you and everyone else#and then when I go well no they way i got treated was fucked. growing up poor fucked us up. you can still be loved and raised unstably and#uffer bc of it it becomes a fucking game to my brain to list every single way we Had It Better and therefore cant be suffering and its like#do you fucking hear what youre saying!!!! amd then!!!!!! i go through this fucking ten times a day and wonder why i struggle with feeling l#like a human being#and this doesnt even touch the whole mature for your age becoming kind of a therapist to your parent and hearing their issues and adults off#loadinf onto you and like. man. no fucking wonder i struggle so much with interpersonal relationships om top of everything else i dont have#a personality until I know what the person needs from me!!!!!!
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I'm so fucking tired of ppl assuming I'm a teenage boy I'm not that young and I'm not a guy and it's funny when it happens occasionally and I'm in an amiable mood and idm being a little gnc ik I present somewhat masc even if its not rly intentional and ik my autistic/adhd mannerisms make me come across a little childish sometimes even if im constantly masking at work or in public and I can't control how other ppl perceive me and ik its natural for the human brain to make social assumptions all the time bc there's so much information going in and out it has to process so it automatically categorises shit so I don't mind it happening OCCASIONALLY but I've been getting so fucking many unnecessary comments lately and not just from strangers but ppl I know too and if one more person says some offhand shit to me I'm going to black out and bite until there's blood leave me the fuck ALONE
#got home and im so so so angry its not even that big a deal i dont even get annoyed when it happens every now and then#but these last few weeks ive had a fucking deluge of weird comments abt my age and my gender i dont fucking know why its happening more#and ive had enough im abt to snap. its been on the back of my mind as a vague irritation but it just keeps fucking building#so much stupid shit i cant even list it all here and its not just ppl mistaking me but sometimes going out of their way to be rude#and the fucking misogynistic shit ppl keep saying to me too especially at work please fuck off forever and die#i dont wanna get into it bc ill just get more pissed off im just gonna go cry in the shower and then ill be fine after#probably just feeling it more today bc i didnt take my afternoon meds anyway. altho this isnt the only time its upset me so.#ugh whatever..... its out of my control. and im not gonna go out of my way to try and conform more easily to other ppls ideas of me#bc im comfortable in myself and my body and with how i present so im not going to change that. just tired of dealing with assholes#and im tired of constant misunderstandings its much more than this superficial assumptions abt appearances like ppl who know me keep#making wrong assumptions or miscommunicating or just general poor judgement and that bothers me way more but its much harder to express#so im just getting more angry at the superficial shit as a proxy for it. ugh!!!!#well anyway. hopefully theres enough hot water left for me i want a scalding shower#grinds my teeth so loudly#.diaries#.vent
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ohhh fml i was like maybe i cn stya up a bit late after all its weekend tomorrow. no it fucking isnt today was thursday i have work tmrw everything is evil always
#gonna get ready 4 bed ig.. i wanna try n wake up at ermm 545 bc ive been sleeping in far too much and ive barely been brushing my teeth in#the mornings ive mostly just been doing mouthwash#aughhh idk why my body is being so dire today my thighs r doing the incredibly weak and fatigued thing again. i feel like that tweet thats#like im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idc abt that rn but its i probably have some undiagnosed physical disorders but i live in a#garage so idc abt that rn#idk. its been going on for a couple years but its been getting worse to the point i can barely move my legs when it happens#that and then my limbs have been falling asleep very quickly even when theres nothing thyat would like. im not laying on them or anything#ill just be walking or something arms at my sides and one or both will get rly bad pins and needles#and it rly sucks and is weird. but again i live in a fucking garage so it is fr the least of my worries#like rn at my computer typing my arm isnt resting on anything or having any pressure put on it and my hand is falling asleep. UGH#it has been happening a ton with my hands i get this weirxd sensation in my wrist/palm zone that like. idk#its weird and i should prolly get it checked out but i dont have a dr rn and like. worst case scenario i chop my arms off and either surviv#and have a good story or i die and dont have to go to work anymore. so
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more bullshit
#this is such a good way to spend my time Im so fucking busyyyy#this also actually made me realise that its the second time ive drawn denmark as patrick/christian bale and its like. well its true but im#insane also#ive been wanting to do the fernanfloo meme for 50 years though because that most litearlly is already his outfit#but well anyways i got to give him a spiffy alternative fancy outfit that im kind of obsessed with#it may be that he doesnt have his stupid headband for 5 minutes or the bullet wound swagger but well i like him#litearlly no body is going to understand the context of the first meme until like. 6 volumes of my comic come out im crazy#well whatever. its for me ok.#i should have been working on my berserk drawing but instead.#my ranting#do you guys understand how long it took me to find the christian bale image without the goth bugs bunny i wanted to kill myself#then all i had to do was google ''christian bale so cunty'' and the second image on google was the fucking post...like goddd#''why is denmark in heaven'' well because the inbetween is all clouds so the backgrounds always are white please pleaspelaplseplease#i know i backed myself into a cornerrr thereee but pleaseee#Pleaseee#with that logic he should also be wearing completely white clothes unless theyre his normal outfit but i figured that would look Really Wei#Weird so i didnt do it#im aware no one cares and im inflicting these rules upon myself ok well the illness#...which is why i also tried to fit kyles binder beneath the dress which he would never wear bc of the dysphoria but i figured ok well. idk#the binder was built into the dress or something idk idk dont think about it too hard#''dont think about it too hard'' is the hardest thing 4 me. well i will think about it soo hard unfrotuantely#its 5 am#my art#kyle batillo#denmark newman#kar#it feels really weird to draw the 2 of them without ilya there. its like going to a hotel without the cuck chair.#like wheres my beautiful third wheel scowling in the background#cady will you tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back OK SORRY i should rewatch meangirls. for the millionth time#sad you cant see his giant gauges bc hair is covering but just remmeber theyre there k drew them.....
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Once again questioning if I've ever managed to cum before or if it's just me getting really overstimulated instead
#i went off bc because my body way fucking me up and now i feel kinda weird about things#i want to know if being off it will help with my “just keeps bleeding for a month straight” thing#i want to be able to have sex like a normal fucking person so i dont get sub drop after sex like 90% of the time#i was going to do a test to see wtf my hormones are up to but i cant afford it anymore so i guess im fucked#the drs have forgotten to give me an appointment for my ultrasound#its back to my nonsexual domming arc because im scared of having sex again#i don't know what im doing with sex and i just feel bad and useless because my body doesn't cooperate#scared of bleeding again too#i also found out im a test tube baby which really puts things into perspective because i literally wasn't meant to exist#i was forced to exist and im the epitome of a mistake
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Just out of curiosity, anyone else get like elevated mood, insane evergy, or like unhinged focus while on their period?
#i dont know what to call it to try to search what that would even be#it doesnt happen all the time and i dont think its like mania bc most of the time it doesnt really feel good#it feels like i want to run around in circles screaming and kicking things#most of the time i get fucked up and anxious but every so often my body is like. here as a treat u get enhanced focus#and then i feel my my brain is gonna vibrate outta my skull. but this time its actually nice bc i just feel kinda happy?#but like with an edge of. something feels wrong and i have too much energy but also i wanna lay down#ay. today was supposed to be my day off. then i got roped into helping with sampling#maybe if my mood stays stable i can try to get an appointment with a psychiatrist Tomorrow morning#but i am currently impaired by lack of sleep lmao#i should say. the upward moodswing thing isnt usually worrying. i mean it makes ne feel nuts but it doesn't make me do anything terribly#irratic or dangerous. its just weird and im sure if it happens to me it happens to other ppl so im curious#unrelated#tw periods
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love having those absolute stalker moments where two people that look as close to your characters as youve ever seen sit 10 ft away from you and then you have to pretend you're not staring like a fucking creep
#NO OKAY IM FREAKING OUT HELLO#theres many differences but like.. fully jensen and bryce#actually screaming#honest to fuck thinking about changing bryces hair purely bc of this mf#theirs is a LITTLE longer than bryces is but it works so well#literally their noses and evwrytjing guys im losing my shit#you dont understand#like.. their face shapes too#this fucking close to just drawing them so if they think its weird ill be like see look just coloring.. yk.. totally normal things#thats still so weird but like jfc im losing it#actually this is insane#the way theyre talking w each other and everything#the one w long hair keeps fucking w it too which is such a bryce move#YES i am full out stalking but idc at this point this is my only win in life#body types and everything jfc#im never going to recover#actually no its fucking crazy#yes youre watching me spiral into madness but fr wtf#im havint a meltdown what is this#i will be thinking about this forever amd ever dear god#im baffled#dont grt me wrong they were not the same#but artistically and stucturally it was literally them#the vibes amd everything i cant im done this is it my life is over
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back on my bjd bullshit
#i just put in a layaway order for a blank doll chateau noah :)#idk how im gonna make them look yet!! i was originally gonna get a k-body-15 with a dream valley freyja head#(& hope the neck size difference wasnt too weird lmao)#but i cant find that one anymore?? like no one seems to sell it. idk#so now im planning to get the k-body-12 for that head which seems to be basically the same but human instead of deertaur#(also i like the legs better on the noah body anyway so it works out)#so im probably gonna recycle part of the idea i had for that. particularly the outfit bc i had something picked out#that should work well with the weird body shape lmAO#but the only one in stock was in peach & im used to getting plain white. like it doesnt look thaaaat much different its very very light#but i might have to lean into the peach/pink tones a little to not make it look weird in contrast with my other dolls lmao#maybe ill throw in some purple? i think like a desaturated reddish purple for blushing might work well#with the more neutral tones i had in mind for the clothes. but i do think in general im going to work in more color than initially planned#& the other one can be more monochrome. whenever i get that lmao#ANYWAY since its layaway it will still be like. six months. unless i pay it off early (we will see)#but im used to preorders which already take about that long so its really no different tbh#im so excited i dont think ive bought a bjd since mint on card closed. i used to get everything through them since i was in the same state#i wonder how their fucking. airbnb business is going lmao
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Yknow I gotta say, I love sewing and a lot of ppl find a lot of body confidence or whatever from sewing. But for me I never felt bad about my body until every pattern I find is telling me I'm meant to have a 26 inch waist.
#I have a 30 inch waist for reference (I would use cm but none of these patterns use them!! Driving me nuts!)#(26in=66cm and 30in=76cm so you can see why I might feel a bit bad lol)#It's just frustrating bc it literally makes what I love doing SO much harder bc I can't fit standard sizing#And it makes certain things look SO weird on me#Like I'm lucky that I don't have to go through the hell plus size ppl have to but damn I just wish my proportions were normal#The reason my waist is so wide is bc I have high hips so I have hip dips and my waist measurement is basically the bottom of my ribcage#Which is so hellish bc if things are too tight around my waist or designed to compress it HURTS so bad and I can't breath#ON TOP OF THE SENSORY ISSUES!!#So I have to shorten patterns and expand the waist a full 10cm or bring in the bust 10cm#And I always just end up looking like a rectangle and not in a deliberate or nice way#Like I got into sewing bc I wanted things to FIT ME and I THOUGHT I was fine but turns out!#Fuckin everyone is a goddamn hourglass and I'm misshapen or some shit#And it fucks me off bc the only time I see ppl make adjustments its to expand the bust like everyone I see making these patterns#Is an hourglass and it drives me nuts bc still nothing fits me right and I'm a novice and it's so much extra work to try desperately to#get things to actually fit and I've never felt so bad about my body in my entire life#It just kinda sucks#Vent#Body image issues#Yeah damn not even cotton on made me feel so shit about myself#I think this is bc it's not even a beauty standard it's just a practical issue that makes things harder to do#Yeah sorry for the whining I'll probs delete bc this is so embarrassing like imagine complaining bc you don't have a tiny waist#That's so vain#But fuck I just need to get this out and if I talk to mum (only person I have to talk to) it will end w her yelling at me#I love her but she makes me feel worse about everything#Just super sucks bc I can't even use a garment designed to compress the waist#So then I don't have to modify every single goddamn thing#Just gonna be a sad rectangle forever
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will I get banned if I post shirtless non top surgery transmasc ppl. will I get in trouble for that
#im like trying to think very carefully abt what klavvy doodles to share akdgdkxjlxhcjc#bc like i obviously think its chill i draw it lol#and its not like im trying to be. weird about it#im also trans (i guess masc) and i dont have top surgery and dont rlly plan on to#i prommy im not trying to be weird about it u gotta believe me 🥺🥺🥺 i just have pride in my body ok#so ive been drawing characters that are like me bc. i think its cool#but i dont think ive ever shared any of my drawings of shirtless ppl. ever#except one funny doodle but that doesnt count#i want to share my guys with top surgery scars and guys that dont but i get nervous abt sharing them still#esp the latter bc theres the whole . feminine presenting breasts thing#which is shitty. fuck off man#and i rlly dont think shirtless ppl of any gender should be considered n.sfw when theyre just. shirtless#but alas idk i might get in trouble regardless of how i view it#maybe i can share klav in bra but that makes me even more nervous bc it might seem like I'm trying to sexualize that in a weird way#WHICH AGAIN. I WEAR BRAS TOO im the same 😭😭😭😭😭#agh agh. can i get shirtless trans rights in here.#rando thoughtz
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Des and Alex would be soooo domestic. Alex comes back after beating the shit outta infected and Balckwatch troops and just. Collapses on Dana's couch.
They argue over who's allowed to use the controller first and end up watching horror movies for about half an hour before the power and signal cuts out bc all over the island bc they're making sure nothing gets in or out.
They banter over how the movie should or will end, when Des knocks on the door and Alex is all over him when he opens it up, like a massive koala bear. Des is so used to Dr. Mercer doing this, then trying to pretend like it was Des that jumped him like he was losing his mind that it's actually refreshing how Alex is unabashedly cuddling him.
They go over to the apartment that Des took over since most people left the vicinity of Penn Station days after Balckwatch was shooting people in broad daylight and Alex asks "wanna see something I just learned? It's cool as hell". Ofc Des agrees and it's just a montage of them play fighting as Alex shows off ALL of his abilities bc he knows Des won't be scared off or scream, with crashing and ungodly noises of destruction.
Dana peeks in hours later when things are finally silent and sees the two of them snuggled up on a completely destroyed couch (that was destroyed last time they did this, is the damn thing respawning?) and assumes they just got done doing some of the most disturbing sex stuff ever. She doesn't wanna know, doesn't ask, but can't get away without them seeing her and saying hello. It feels like the worst experience every time this happens to her bc she assumes that they're having ungodly weird virus on human sex, and they do, just never the time she peeks into the apartment. They're just playing.
#alex turns his arm into a whip “so i learned streetsweeper today. tell me what ya think”#proceeds to use it in this tiny fully decorated apartment destroying everything#des smiles “sure lemme use my whip too! <3”#proceeds to whip back#yes Desmond got his whip and training from Aveline. yes Aveline trained him AND Altaïr how to use a whip#Altaïr is amazing at it he chooses not to use it mostly. Desmond loves using it#Des at any time is carrying on his person at least one gun the tomohawk (Connor gave him that one but he did also make him build one of his#own) a machete (thank you Aveline!) and one of the daggers Altaïr made for him#he just looks cute and innocent#that man is armed to the teeth bc people are hunting him#and he refuses to be caught slippin#Alex just enjoys being able to use any of his powers against Des with the knowledge that Des is not only fast but smart enough to not gethit#yes Des is currently pregnant in that permutation. doesn’t stop him from fighting or singing to the twins when hes got downtime#Altaïr wakes up in Desmond's body sometimes (bc hes watching over Elijah in Brooklyn) and is being aggressively cuddled by Alex.#hes like i can't believe im waking up in this position AGAIN#alex is like “oh hey Altaïr whats up?”#Des and Alex are domestic with each other but Dana thinks weird freaky sex is happening when it really isn't#Altaïr knows whats going on 99% of the time but sometimes he doesn't because he wakes up in Desmond's body and is surprised af#is this rambly? yes.#Alex and Des are very domestic people just don't get what the fuck they're doing 100% of the time and assumes its nasty sex#but in reality sex is going on a lot less that people think and more than they would like to know about#also the couch came back bc Alex biomassed it together#most of the things in Desmond's apartment is just biomass at this point and thats how Alex likes it
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