#its my fault now and my fault 1.5 years ago.

[roses-and-tears]

.

[lunafiorewrites]

Writeblr Introduction

Hello! I'm a queer speculative fiction author (fantasy, horror, and science fiction) in my 30s. I have, as of now, self-published three titles on this name and am working on the next. I write anything from short stories to novel length works.

Linktree

Here are my current published works:

Fantasy

Unbound (Book 1 of the Underhill Series) Books2Read||Itch Store

Don't let them see you. Don't let them notice you. Don't ever step foot in Underhill.

With a deathbed promise to her mother and a curse that exiles her from the realms, Alannah has no intention of ever leaving the fringe. She is content to live her life quietly and unseen by those in the forest. Until she saves a human from a harrowing death at the hands of a Fae prince. Elliot thanks her by upending her life, getting her cat to talk, and convincing her that she isn't as content as she thought. When he finds a possible solution to her curse, the three of them brave the realm of Underhill to find the queen that placed the curse on Alannah's family. Instead of removing the curse, the queen gives Alannah an impossible quest. To find a person of Fae and Witch blood.

Alannah's journey through Underhill is rife with attempted assassinations, new and unexpected allies, and experiences and emotions that Alannah doesn't understand. Underhill is nothing like she imagined. It is strange. It is wonderful. It is full of old and deadly secrets. To survive her journey, she must learn how to rely on others. And Alannah learns that being connected is so much better than being alone. If she succeeds, she'll never have to be alone. But is she ready for the truth and its consequences?

Uncovered (Book 2 of the Underhill Series) Books2Read||Itch Store

Never go into Witches End. There is nothing but death and grief in that soil and everything beyond it is not for us.

Makenna has never belonged. As a fire witch born in a village of healer and blamed for every fire-related incident even if she wasn't at fault, she has always lived on the outside looking in. When Makenna's sister, Niamh, is horribly burned during a ritual, Makenna is chased into the lifeless woods of Witches End. But the woods are not empty. A plea turns into a bargain and Makenna pledges her nights to a shapeshifter named Fen. But Fen has many secrets and Makenna is plunged into the mystery of the Morrigan and the spell performed hundreds of years ago to seal away a terrible foe. All secrets have a price and Makenna just might pay with her life.

Return to Underhill as Makenna uncovers the truth of the goddesses and what it means for her future and the future of Underhill.

The Stories We Tell (Book 1.5 of the Underhill Series) BooksRead||Itch Store

Odhran cannot sleep and he seeks comfort in an unlikely place. Join the main characters of UNBOUND as they trade stories around a campfire and strengthen tenuous bonds. THE STORIES WE TELL is a short story set between the events of UNBOUND and UNCOVERED

Horror

Where Willows Weep Books2Read||Itch Store

f these walls could talk…

Years ago, Jess ran away from her small Southern town and vowed to never return. But when her mother needs a caretaker, Jess is forced back into her childhood home with its rotting floors and growing stains. Reconnecting with her high school sweetheart, Sam, is the bright spot as Jess is haunted by disembodied cries, malicious shadows, and sleepwalking episodes. Will she survive the specters that haunt her home or will the house drown her in its secrets?

WIPs

Untethered (Book 3 of the Underhill Series) #untethered #underhillsaga #underhillseries

Summary: Deirdre goes through life believing he is a regular, boring human but after being attacked by a mutated beast, learns that she is anything but normal and she is definitely not human.

Genre(s): Fantasy, Dark Fantasy, Horror Status: Drafting

[normalestgirlblog]

well

dont i have a few things to say

#1 i texted him bc i did actually have something to say that related to him, and it was nice to hear from him but also idk its hard and then i posted something mildly messed up on my insta and he didnt like it even though i let people opt in to hearing the joke. whatever. and then i apologized and he left me on read which usually i wouldnt give a fuck but the urge to say why do u hate me, do u hate me now was so strong that i did it and unsent it. i dont know how to be normal about him and i wish i could. i think no matter what i really want him to come back to me. and if im being totally honest it seems like he doesnt have anyone to talk to. because that boy can talk, msotly about books but like he can talk. i need to get over him and i have no idea how. someone please lobotomize me so i forget about him and who he is and how much he means to me and how much he hurt me.

#2 My mother. its so hard to talk about her with people because no matter how much i explain just every piece of her and who she is and our relationship and why it has gotten so hard recently, it wont make any sense unless u know her. nobody knows the real her. and i love her so much but her behavior is completely unacceptable and its so hard to even talk to her when every conversation we have just ends in tears. i cant do it. and all she wants is me to live with her and i just dont know if i can do it. and its taking up so much mental energy that i block her out and then when i block her out it gets worse. so i just have to deal with it. i think we should honestly go to family therapy. she keeps telling me that we are the reason she came back, we are the only reason for her living, that we are eerything to her. But a year ago, we werent enough. SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS OVER BEING A MOTHER AND WANTED TO FIGURE OUT WHO SHE WAS. which like fair enough i support her in that endeavor. but what the fuck. like u cant just switch up like that and make it our fucking fault and our fucking problem that you are so mentally ill becuase you cant see your kids.

#3 i am so desperate for love and i feel like right now i am not doing a single thing right with myself or my life or i just always say the wrong things. and choose the wrong people. but mayhbe im the one thats wrong. its so hard having this many thoughts and not being able to do anything useful with them. i really get people who start podcasts now. like yeah let me just talk in a mic for an hour and make money off of it.

#1.5 I am so fucking stupid i am going to shoot myself in the foot and walk until I learn how to not be stupid.

[tendercoretroglodyke]

the software workshop teaching went well!! it also went an hour and a half too long. whoops ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[anime-lover-forever-1127]

Survival Tip: When Asking Klaus Mikaelson To Kill Someone, Just Make Sure The Said Someone, Isn't Caroline Forbes {Klaroline}

Survival Tip: When Asking Klaus Mikaelson To Kill Someone, Just Make Sure The Said Someone, Isn't Caroline Forbes

*****

Disclaimer - (Cause fanfiction is tricky ground and I hope not to offend the creator of the original story and get sued

I do not own "The Vampire Diaries", it belongs to its original creator Kevin Williamson, Julie Plec, and L. J. Smith. Nor do I own "Originals", which belongs to its rightful creator Julie Plec, Michael Narducci, Leslie Morgenstein, Gina Girolamo. This is only a fanfiction that I was inspired to write by the original work. Please support the official release of "The Vampire Diaries" and "Originals". Most of the media - such as the art and illustrations, gifs, video's, etc. used in this fanfiction - are from the web. Thus, most of them aren't mine (because I really, really can't draw) unless mentioned. To fit the story, images are also edited by various apps and websites. So they aren't mine, just edited.

Also if you own a picture or Video that I found online, and you either want your name added, or me to take it down. Please contact me and we can talk it out.

Warnings: Gemini Coven Bashing, Mass murder, None of the Amary or Rayna B.S.

Word Count: 1.5 K

Requested By: No One

Summary: To protect the twins, Caroline, Enzo, Bonnie, Alaric, Damon, Stefan, and the Heretic's begin hunting down the remaining Gemini Coven members. One of the few desperate survivors runs to Klaus for help begging him to help take care of this problem and 'return' the twins to the coven- (Do I really need to say more?)

*****

Today's Special

Pro Tip:

In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first.

~ Unknown

(Odd - But makes sense)

*****

Klaus and Kol were out drinking, when a frantic looking woman walked into the bar. Kol was the first to notice her, instantly registering her as a witch.

The hybrid sensed her as well, but refused to look up from his sketch, even when the women bagan walking towards them. Only when she was right in front of them, did he glance at her.

The pale woman looked like she hadn't slept soundly in days, her skin looked clammy, with dark circles underneath her eyes. Judging by her worn down clothes, he easily concluded that is running from someone.

"I'm looking for the Mikaelsons. Do you know where they are?" She asked, shifting on her feet.

Kol smirked, "Right in front of you darling. Kol Mikaelson, and that love sick artist is my brother, the hybrid."

Klaus growled, and sat the sketch down so he could glare properly at his brother, and picked up his drink.

The woman's heartbeat speeded up as she glanced at them nervously, "I need your help."

Kol smirked, well Klaus glanced up at the ceiling board, clearly not in the mood for this. There was a lovely painting of a blond goddess, at home, beginning to be completed. Yet here he was, sketching drafts that repeatedly failed to capture her genuine beauty and were unable to reflect even an ounce of her light.

It wasn't uncommon for the originals to grant various favors, all at a price of course.

"What's your name darling?" Kol asked.

"Sara. Sara Parker." She answered.

"The Gemini." Kol nodded. "And what exactly do you need Sara?"

"A year ago, most of my coven was wiped out. But before they went, they were able to save the last pair of twins by implanting them into a vampire. But now she's refusing to give them back. Furthermore, her and her friends have started hunting the remaining of us down. I want them dead, and the twins returned to the coven, as they should be." Sara requested.

Kol laughed, "Quite a situation. I wasn't even sure vampires could carry to term. I tried to do something similar once, but the woman died."

"She only survived because she had witches on her side. It was difficult, but she lives. Why couldn't she have just died that day." Sara cursed.

Klaus shrugged casually, "Well that's on you. It's your fault that you lost them. Why should we help?"

Kol snickered, "Come on Nik. It'll be fun. You know nothing brings us together more than murder."

Klaus sighed, "Fine. Why not." He shot down his drink and got up.

If Sara had only looked down at the table, she would have known that she should have given up on the twins and warned her coven to run as far away as possible. But she didn't, and as a result she missed the perfect sketch of the baby vampire who was a newly made mother.

*****

The originals followed Sara as she led them to the current location of the twins, a beach house in California.

Sara confidently strolled into the house, where Nora, Damon, and Stefan were sitting over a map with various red dots, and a few green ones. There was a list next to them with several names crossed out. A system created by Caroline to ensure that there wouldn't be any risk of the Gemini coven ever coming back.

Klaus instantly stopped as he saw the Salvatores, well Kol's grin widened. The brothers automatically assumed that the one who got implanted must have been the doppelganger, it was the only reason they could imagine for both the Salvatore brothers to get involved.

The hybrid instantly began rearranging his plan, if the doppelganger was really the one who gave birth, he could always compel all of them, and take the twins away, but, Caroline, for some reason was still fond of them, so that plan was quickly scrapped.

So he'd need to kill Sara and put out a word to keep the Gemini coven away. Because no doubt, the doppelganger would once again drag Caroline into her mess, and it would be best to warn any witches idiotic enough to attack her, to keep their distance. Even if it meant protecting the doppelganger as well.

Sara, unaware of what was brewing in the hybrid's mind, smirked confidently, "I'm giving you exactly three second to bring the twins out, before it gets messy."

Damon smirked back, and even Stefan let out a chuckle, confusing Nora. Stefan shot the heretic a resauring look, as Damon answered, "Sure. Let me bring them, and their mother."

This confused the Mikaelson's and the witch. Klaus and Kol both assumed they'd do everything to keep Elena away, well Sara didn't expect them to give up this essay.

"Caroline," Damon called, "Could you come in here with YOUR children for a sec."

Klaus felt his breath caught as he heard Damon refer to the children as Caroline. He still couldn't believe it, until a second later his senses were hit with the strong scent of citrus, with honey, as Caroline stepped into the room. Her arms cradling two little girls, dressed in matching outfits.

Kol cursed underneath his breath. This so was not with the mess it would create. He could already tell there would be no saving the Gemini coven now.

Damon smirks at the witch, "You clearly didn't tell them who the vampire that gave birth was, did you?" And for extra measure, he added, "Did you also forget to mention that she nearly died giving birth, and throughout the pregnancy as the babies nearly siphoned all the magic keeping her alive away?" He said, purposely adding oil to the burning fire that was Klaus' anger.

Stefan glared at his brother, before grabbing him and flashing away, Nora quikly following his lead.

Kol, who's now clearly done with this, decided to leave as well. He could always tease his brother later.

If the mystic fall's gang was here, then he was willing to bet that he would find their resident witch around as well. No way Bonnie would leave her friend alone so soon after she just gave birth.

Sara, being the only one unable to get the hint, was the only one who stuck around. She looked around confused, failing to realize that there was no saving the Gemini coven. The one she had brought as her shield, was truly Caroline's sword - willing to cut down all that stood in her way.

Klaus glanced at the map on the table, "I'm assuming the map was your idea?" He smirked, a teasing tone taking over his anger as he was once again in the baby vampire's presence.

"Please, who else could pull this off?" Caroline asked, raising an eyebrow.

Klaus smiled, pleased to see her back a little straighter, and her shoulders a little higher. Motherhood was clearly good for her. "Oh, I have no doubt that you are the brains behind the oppernation. I doubt the mystic falls scooby gang would be able to even run a lemonade stand without you."

"Still planning on shutting this down?" Caroline asked, teasingly.

Klaus walked closer to her, until the only thing stopping their chests from touching were the twins cradled in the women's arms.

"How could I?" He smirked, "I was actually looking around to see where I could sign up." He added, innocently. "I hear the boss is quite difficult to please.

Caroline huffed, but couldn't stop the corner of her lips from turning up fondly. "You can start by cleaning up the trash you brought in." She nodded towards Sara. "God knows I already have enough to clean with twins. I don't have the time to clean up after you."

*****

Extended, (Alternate - ?) Ending

Caroline huffed, but couldn't stop the corner of her lips from turning up fondly. "You can start with that one." She was about to walk out, before she turned around and added, "The next meeting is at two."

Klaus raised an eyebrow, "Two?"

"It's the only time I can get Josie to nap and Lizzie refuses to sleep without her sister. So it's the only time I'm free." The mother's eyes narrowed, "Got a problem with that?

"Of course not love." Klaus chuckled lightly.

"Good. Don't be late."

*****

Someone asked if there would be a part 2 for my last one shot (TVD Ep. 4x09), and the answer is no. As for my other stories, I honestly have no idea when their second parts will be coming out.

Klaus & Caroline (Klaroline) ● Secret Love Song

I seriously suggest giving this video a try. It felt like I was watching an angsty, amazing, Klaroline fanfic. It was wonderfully edited.

Anyways,

KLAROLINE FOR LIFE BECAUSE I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP!

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

it wasn’t power i coveted; it was acceptance.

Titans 3.06

y’know, i was just thinking the other day that 1.06/1.07 and 2.06/2.07 were the best episodes of their respective seasons, so i have great hopes going in to this one. fingers crossed!

as always, typing this up as i see the episode.

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. oh! um... that was a Cold Open, all right. *nudges* get it? cold? because it’s snowing? and two people got murdered in cold blood? eh?

... oh, i’ve just started.

1.5. i wonder if “i want to be sipping pina coladas on a beach with you” is the new “i’m just one day away from retiring.” i was so on edge after that--i kept expecting that car to explode. even so, the way they died wasn’t an anticlimax: brutal, and quick. 

1.75. so i’m assuming that’s the titular lady vic! this show better bring up why this doll was important or why these two cops needed to be killed, and not leave it to the ether like jericho’s little mindscape jaunt in 2.08 (i’m still dying to know what that was about???)

2.

i love how deliberately unappealing wayne manor is. 

(sorry for the pic quality. i don’t have hbo max! ssshhh.)

2.3. i love the many references to “home” and “our house” when they’ve been here for less than a week and saw one of their friends get blown into pieces. i mean, i unironically love it: home is where family is, after all!

2.5. i’d like to say that kom is playing some sort of long game here, especially given the build-up we had last season and some of the more niggling details this season: why did kom choose now to use her bond to lure kory when she’s been on earth for months? why did justin call kory now, just around the time that she started getting kom’s visions? and what about kom’s ability to exactly imitate other people? hmmm.

2.75. the reason i wrote i’d like to say is that i’ve made the mistake of assuming plot complexity where there is none; i was so invested in the jason todd orchestrated his own death theory for instance, when it turns out that oops! ra’s al ghul just happened to leave a little lazarus puddle in gotham, and oh yeah! scarecrow just happens to have a network of henchmen working for him on the outside and a fully functional laboratory and a weapons cache fit for a new supervillain in the basement of the high security psychiatric unit/prison that he’s in! 

(no i’m not bitter, why do you ask)

2.8. iiiii don’t know what to say about the implications of sex slavery being a thing on tamaran, so i’m not going to say anything at all. for now.

3. gotham, six years ago... wasn’t it five years before s2 that jericho died and the titans disbanded? and when was the flashback from 1.06 where dick let zucco die? i think it was after the events of 2.08: jericho? i can’t seem to find any transcripts or reliable information online, so i’m going to have to rewatch 1.06 at some point. 

(i love the old-fashioned batman music in this heist scene)

3.5. “security is a joke... it’s my way of keeping my dad on his toes”. what you’re an ethical thief now, like an ethical hacker? i don’t think that excuse is going to sell, barbara, on the day you do encounter a decent security system and your father is forced to arrest you.

(then again, gotham’s security is piss-poor. did you know that you could just walk into arkham asylum without any official clearance, ply one of its most dangerous inhabitants with contraband, and said inmate could get away with having an entire laboratory and weapons cache--NO I’M NOT GOING TO LET THIS GO)

3.8 so that flashback between dick and barbara was really cute! and also illuminating:

a) dick sounds so light, so... um. look. i have some apologies to tender to mr thwaites, because while i’ve always thought he does a fine job as dick grayson, i’ve never been terribly fond of his cadence as he delivers dialogue. it’s often monotonous, i thought, but then again, he’s usually delivering exposition or dealing with one soul-crushing crisis or the other. so i was pleasantly surprised to hear dick sound so carefree and alive in his conversation with barbara, laughing frequently, his emotions so bare and bubbling to the surface. it’s really a fantastic contrast to the traumatised and world-weary dick grayson that we see now, even more so than the costume department just bunging a backwards-baseball cap on mr thwaites’ head and hoping that will convince us of his relative youth. 

b) and god, when he wakes up from that memory, all alone in his bed, bleeding from bullet holes in his shoulder (bullet holes that are--in a somewhat convoluted way--barbara’s fault)? yikes. it’s great. you have my apologies, mr thwaites!

c) can you imagine dick just... crawling back to wayne manor, trying not to be seen by anybody, shedding his suit and just... collapsing onto his bed without even tending to his wound? the sheer emotional and physical exhaustion of it? 

d) it’s so interesting to see how barbara and dick approach the idea of legacy--a big theme on the show!--in this flashback. barbara is the one bucking the idea that she should follow in her father’s footsteps, while dick seems pretty content with the batman-and-robin setup, and even tries to get barbara to join their team (robin-girl. pfffft). obviously after this several traumatic things happen wherein dick ends up questioning and then resenting his role as robin, his relationship with batman or even returning as a vigilante at all. and barbara... ends up replacing her father as commissioner. it’s tragic, really. 

e) the dynamic between dick and barbara in the flashback reminds me of how it was between dick and donna in 1.08 and even between kory and dick in early s1. it’s like having an older, strong-willed woman by his side means he gives over the steering wheel for a while and lets himself... unspool, a little bit. it’s kinda endearing.

also:

*pinches his cheeks*

3. you know, we talk about dick and Eldest Daughter Syndrome, and that’s definitely valid, but here gar seems to me the embodiment of it, with all the emotional gardening and firefighting that he’s expected to do. he’s kind of the guy expected to keep his shit together and take care of everyone else while they are falling completely to pieces, unable to carve out time to process his own trauma. he’s also picked up dick’s and kory’s tendencies to bottle up their struggles and shun appearing vulnerable, and he’s struggling in the shadow of both dick and kory undergoing acute crises, his best friend (and frequent confidante) on the other side of the world, and seeing hank die, utterly helpless to stop it. 

i’m glad that he got a chance to tell dick even a smidgeon of what he really feels, and i hope this is at least a semblance of a wake up call for dick to actually sit down and work with the people he repeatedly calls family.

3.5. it’s heartening to see that dick immediately makes it his priority to go talk to gar. but don’t blow off kory in the process, man!

4. i’m really loving this dynamic between kom and conner--i get the idea that both of them consider each other as Unknowns, alien two times over. but conner’s only ever known the titans, who embrace being different, and kom’s only ever known... well. 

anyway, kory is Really Stressed, and honestly? #relatable. 

when you’re forced to bring an estranged family member to hang out with your friends...

4.5. i love that the titans are spending so much time in the kitchen. a real family!

5. jonathan crane is a creep and i absolutely cannot stand him.

5.25. how did he get a whole lab setup (in the basement of a hospital...?) with a bunch of whitecoats to work for him? how did he just waltz into the viewing room of an operation theatre when he’s one of the most wanted men in gotham right now? why is jason wandering around maskless when--presumably--as the adopted son of the most famous person in gotham he’d be a tad more recognisable than your average joe?

why do i expect this show to answer anything anymore?

5.5. that’s not necessarily a criticism, mind; i’ve said since season 1 that titans is very comics-like in this aspect, all about the Aesthetic and the splash-page splendour rather than the niggling unimportant details of how or when the characters got to said location. like. the camera gliding over the operation being set-up, lady vic bursting in and doing her murder dance (imagine the luck of the poor intern who chose this day and this surgery to assist) and jason, shocked and slack-jawed, framed by blood.

5.75. it’s a sobering reminder for jason that, though he chose this path in order to gain control over a world that seemed like it was rapidly spinning out of his grip, he’s only succeeded in handing over even more control to a man with an agenda that is very clearly not aligned with his own. he’s in too far to stop now, though.

5.9. i have a lot more thoughts about jason! saving it up for the end of this recap, though.

6. more kitchen time! i better see dick do some cooking soon...

(”our kitchen”! it still delights me! kitchens are So Important)

6.25. so much of dick’s issues have revolved around his relationship with bruce, so it’s completely understandable that in the wake of a huge crisis where bruce literally asks dick to replace him and be a “better” him, dick would default to all the worst things he learned from the man. and i’m glad kory’s having none of it, but come on, guys. the woman’s literally fetched her fratricidal sister out of a hole in the ground with no idea what said sister is going to do next and experiencing a burgeoning sense of guilt far, far beyond her history with the titans, and dick’s too far into his autocolonoscopy that he can’t see that she needs help.

6.5. “he services your urges”--well, as far as we know, kory is the last person he had sex with...

7. “i hope [gar] isn’t angry with me...” SIR! i thought you’d already spoken to him! smh, as the kids say. kory wouldn’t be needing to reassure you if you just took the effort to build two way emotional relationships with the rest of the team. @superohclair​ was taking about dick’s relatively low emotional intelligence? i agree.

7.5. “i got my own problems [...] you and barbara? fix it.” YOU TELL HIM, KORY

8. man i really like this weird, sad tension between dick and barbara--this sense that both of them are approaching the other based on how they remember them and are ultimately disappointed by the truth. barbara thought she could trust dick to... well, be a better batman, but dick has not only failed at that in her eyes, but repeatedly undermined her while exploiting the authority that she gave him. in dick’s eyes, this is nothing like the barbara that he knew, rebellious and ready to do whatever it takes to find something. 

like. this show sometimes really hits me in the chest about the ways it shows kids grow into adults and into caretakers, and the way it’s stop-start, the ways nothing can happen at all for a long time and then it’s Crisis Central all at once and there’s no space to breathe. the weird sort of sadness that comes with nostalgia. 

8.5. oracle name drop! i agree with barbara, any system that can just randomly tap into gotham phonelines is a monster.

8.7. (i don’t know if it’s my imagination, but is dick holding himself... differently in this episode? like that wound is definitely bothering him, and he’s running on fumes)

9. man, that was a really sweet scene between kom and conner. “feeling alien in your own world”... “not quite here nor there”

honestly this team runs on conner and gar’s faith in their value as a family, and it’s a sign of conner’s generous heart that he extends that opportunity to blackfire. this arc of maturation for him, where he’s now able to consciously choose which parts of himself he can use to do the thing he wants to so--save people--has been so fulfilling to recognise. this baby’s grown with the titans! and what he’s learnt is that people can get fucked up, but the titans is a place where they can be fucked up, and grow.

MY MAN CONNER

10. oh man i’m drinking in the gar-dick interaction in this episode like i’m three days into the desert and it’s the only source of water for miles around!

a) gar is absolutely not dealing with dick’s bullshit this episode and I LOVE IT. it’s such a far cry from the man who was idolising dick/robin back in s1 and expecting him to solve all their problems. dick is fallible, dick is fucked up, but he Tries His Best and that’s ok.

b) dick, huffing and puffing through that vent, unable to put any pressure on his left shoulder, trying to have a heart to heart with gar... fuck i love this asshole. 

c) bruce took in a kid who was suffering... “and made him into a weapon”. well. i absolutely agree with dick that it was bruce who put these kids into these horrible situations with him and they came away with a bucketload of trauma to add to the one that they already had. but we know that bruce was really trying with jason, and at the end of s2, dick was coming to acknowledge that bruce had offered him something that wasn’t just darkness. jason’s death and bruce’s reaction to that shattered that fragile progress.

d) “gotham got to me too.” i feel more sympathetic towards dick running off on his own than most, and it’s not just because i’m an unapologetic stan.  we’ve seen before that dick... devolves when overwhelmed, and he lashes out and makes ill thought out decisions and just Does Not Deal. it happened after hearing the news that deathstroke had returned in s2, and it didn’t help that everyone around him was reeling at the news, either. this time, however, he has his salvation in his family, and despite some stupid decisions like running off and kidnapping supervillains without telling his team, he’s been really on the ball this season. thinking clearly and logically, holding it together and working on a plan, thinking two steps ahead of the villains... yes.

e) gar needing to believe that jason isn’t beyond redemption... there’s a lot of blood on his hands, too, from when he was manipulated by cadmus last season. it makes sense why he’d relate to jason’s predicament, and i hope dick picked up on that.

f) my head just added a plaintive ow after dick jumped feet first into the storage room

i need, crave gifs of this scene!

11. *sits on hands* i’m going to talk more about red hood, i promise!

12. more gar and dick! is it my birthday??!!

(actually, according to the tamil calendar, it is my birthday! my “star” birthday)

12.5. excellent. dick using some implausible training that bruce taught him to solve a mystery? passing some of that knowledge onto gar? that proud smile when he sees gar perfectly execute moves that he taught him? MY HEART IS EXPLODING

13. aw, i love flashback!dick and barbara, they’re so cute <3

13.25. why does it not surprise me that the way he proposes a relationship to barbara is by saying “we make sense”? this guy can deduce exactly who was present where and what weapon they were holding from a garbled audio recording but other times he’s utterly clueless, and that’s a consistent character beat right from s1

13.5. so.... that’s why lady vic has it out for... barbara....? i don’t get it. it’s flimsy. but hey! the fun thing about titans is that i don’t have to get it. the payoff has nothing to do with the plot.

14. i can’t believe that barbara fell for that, but at least that wheelchair fight looked awesome, so.

15. oh yeah, i forgot that red hood bullied the mob into helping him and scarecrow... at least that explains the whitecoats and the elaborate set-up.

15.5. honestly i love how this dynamic between kory and kom is developing, though i wish more of the team would pay attention to it. time to call justin, i think!

16. i wonder what happened after that second flashback where barbara got hurt during that heist. did she give up on doing any more (maybe jim caught her)? was it because dick was called away by bruce and then the titans and got caught up in his own issues? maybe barbara froze him out because she wasn’t looking for the relationship that he was looking for? maybe the idea of doing that with someone turning into batman-lite was just... unappealing? scary?

whatever it is, it doesn’t look like dick ever processed the end of that relationship. it’s very intriguing to see where their dynamic goes next.

17. so.... what, did vic deliver some fear toxin to barbara? i... what?

17.5. and i TOLD YOU that they would never explain that doll or why vic attacked those two cops at the beginning! oh, titans. never change. 

18. did jason just randomly have tim’s restaurant burgled? god, i’m feeling a bit nauseous... are they going to kill tim’s father?

18.25. i feel like the rest of the season is going to wrestle with jason’s culpability in the horrible stuff he’s doing and i’m already seeing that prospect divide fans. on one hand, his story is taking a lot of oxygen away from other equally interesting story arcs, and he’s done some truly awful things, like indiscriminate murder, threatening to kill children, blowing up hank, and potentially killing tim’s parents. 

there’s something to be said for the kind of hold that crane has over him, and the so-called ‘anti-fear’ drug that he keeps plying jason with--he’s alone, drugged almost constantly (to the level of dependence), fresh from the trauma of being bludgeoned to death. he hasn’t conquered fear; he’s ruled by it. on the other hand, given that he’s the one character on the show given an obvious and identifiable ‘mental illness’ arc (maaaaybe dick too), one can argue that it’s irresponsible to show this progress into such violence: jason was vulnerable because he was struggling, and that left him vulnerable, but it took only a push before he became a fucking serial killer.

but that could mean we underestimate the degree of that vulnerability, and the mechanics of this universe where he fell into the clutches of the one supervillain perfectly designed to exploit that vulnerability. that helpless spiral into further and further self-destruction is all too real. it’s valuable to know that someone who has sunk that low can still seek help--actual help--and get it. 

18.5. i don’t know. it’s not a question i’m going to resolve at the end of an overlong recap at 1 in the morning. i don’t believe it’s even a question that titans can resolve. but i am interested in where they’re going next with jason.

19. this episode was genuinely great! i’m pumped for the rest of the season!

[qedavathegrey]

In the throes of a existential crisis:

Yesterday I met with my CEO who told me the supervisory role I was hired to for in July of last year would not be existing after all -- not their fault, has to do with the state -- but that because I'd done such a great job with what I'd been given they created a different position to basically cover what I'd already been doing. Now, to be clear, I actively hate the new things I've been given. It's all a load of bureaucratic bullshit that is a thorough waste of time. I accepted the position originally because I would be supervising my former position. Which made sense. I knew the position, I knew the expectations, I had ideas on how to improve the process and simple changes that would make quite a bit of difference. But I was notified that once the state finally gets its shit together, I would no longer be qualified to supervise that position. Accepting it would also mean I would no longer be providing direct service and seeing clients -- the only part of my job that I actually like.

Then the head of the department emailed to say that the new brochure (which hadn't been updated in 4 years, two supervisors ago) I made couldn't be used because the marketing team (which is one person and though I love her, her design skills absolutely suck) didn't do it. Also, I couldn't use the new email I'd set up to receive, manage and respond to referrals because it would cost the agency $6 dollars a month and they didn't want to pay it. The department head assured me that she's not a micromanager and I'm quite certain she could tell I was about two seconds away from coming over the table and snatching her up by her frizzy hair. We worked things out and she was shocked that I'd already had the brochure approved by marketing and marketing said it looked amazing. She even used some proponents of my designs in the new HIV testing campaign.

Anyway, I texted the CEO to ask if -- hypothetically -- I refused this position, could I still return to my previous role doing direct service and not have to sit through any more 1.5 hour long meetings about how everyone's weekend was. I haven't heard back from her yet.

Also, I went to the office today exclusively to send off an application for a position 1,000 miles away 👀

[ask-ex-medic]

((i just unfollowed 70+ inactive ask blogs, jfc))

((also, behold, tag ramble))

[elfenbensord]

star crossed lovers

written: 26.1.20-8.2.20

word count: 6.5 k (ish)

note: wrote this for @writingsoftheloser’s 1.5 writing challenge! check her lovely blog out!

attention reader! your nickname is now puck, after one of the characters in shakespeare’s ‘a midsummer dream’. welcome to your new life, puck.

prompt: lavender - devotion, virtue

characters: adult!remus lupin x adult!reader

masterlist / blurb masterlist / requests n asks

---

1984

“What about this one?” Remus waved the fresh copy of Shakespeare’s ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’ in front of his friend’s nose.

“Please, no. I can’t stand that one...”, her eyes rolled in a dramatic gesture.

“Really? Didn’t you do this one at drama school?”

“Exactly.” She slapped the book away, making a face. “Doing a show kind of ruins it for forever.”

Remus took the opportunity to raise an eyebrow, “How unfortunate for you. I, however, find it to be a charming play.”

“Sure. But I was a pretty good Puck.”

“You were marvelous.”

He was trying to stay focused on organizing the shelf in front of him, but his slightly over tired brain was much more interested in continuing her jests. She was sat on top of the counter, helping him very little. “Well, you wouldn’t know. Since you didn’t come to see me.”

“Well, then I’m sure you were marvelous.” A few more books stacked against each other, filling up the empty space of the soon-to-be book shop.

“Damn right I was.”

He sighed, finding his focus defeated by her. “I’m still waiting for the day when you’ll discover humility.”

Her sudden laugh filled the empty shelves, “You’ll have to still waiting.”

“It’s called ‘keep waiting’. Or ‘continue waiting’.”

“Maybe it is. Not my fault your language is malfunctioning.”

He sometimes forgot that she isn’t from here. She seems like such a natural part of his life, he could never imagine living without her snarky comments and home-made words.

“Wouldn’t be my fault either. Do I look Anglo-Saxon to you?”

“Dunno”, she prodded a finger into his chest, not entirely gently. “But you’re supposed to be a librarian.”

He moved her hand away, “Correction: I’m a bookkeeper now.”

She grabbed the nearest book out of one of the boxes on the soon-to-be counter, slapping him not-too-gently on the head with it.

“Careful!” his sudden protest took her by surprise, just in time for him to grab the copy from her hands. “That is a first edition of Jane Ëyre, it isn’t for slapping people in the head with!”

Her hands flew up in a defensive manner, “Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”

Remus inspected the old copy of Jane Ëyre, anxious to find any scratch or dent in its textile bound cover.

“Stop making eyes with that dust. It makes you look, like, half a century older.”

He couldn’t help but smile at her comment. Setting down the book on top of one of the boxes, he said, “You think I’ll still look this good at 74?”

“Not some chance.” “Not a chance.”

“Gotcha!”

Another involuntary laugh on his behalf. “Come on, we need to empty these boxes by lunch time.”

“You have a schedule for everything, Lupin.”

“One of us needs to, Puck.”

She frowned at her old nickname, it only brought memories of long nights of studying lines  written far too many centuries ago and caffeine-overdoses. “... Now you’re just being rude.”

“How about ‘we complete each other’?”

“That’s quite an interesting take.”

“So I’m interesting now?”

Opening one of the boxes containing yet another batch of books in need of a good dusting, he could hear her mumbling, “You’re a pain, that’s what you are.”

“If you finish those books by one o’clock, we can visit that Indian place on the corner. My treat.”

Her eyes lit up, “Why didn’t you say so before?”

He could only smile.

---

“Good afternoon, and welcome to Lavender Books and Records!”

A familiar laugh reached his ears. “You can calm down with your fake charm, it’s only me.”

He pretended to be offended, “Who said my charm is fake? I reckon I’m quite charming on most days…”

“Yeah, it’s definitely fake.” She made sure to dramatically sigh and sit down on one of the book stacks by the counter.

“That’s not for sitting o-”, Remus tried to protest, but it was too late. He was rewarded only by a glare. In reply, he turned his charm up another 100 percent. “I hope your day was as lovely as you are?”

She picked up a book from one of the piles near her, pretending to be interested in its contents. “It was quite alright. But I’m very interested in what you think you’re getting with this sweet talk?”

“Dinner. It’s your turn to cook tonight.” He didn’t bother to look up at her, he already knew too well how she’d react. Lightly frowned eyebrows, slightly parted mouth, a playful look in her eyes. 

“And what makes you think that?”

He glanced at her, finding her reaction to be exactly what he’d guessed. Bingo.

“My carefully planned out dinner schedule does.”

“Oh, really.”

“Also, I’ve made dinner the last three days.”

She closed the book in her hands. “That’s a lie.”

“No, it isn’t”, he replied calmly, returning to the order of books in front of him.

“We went to the Italian restaurant two nights ago.”

“Which I paid for.”

“... Damn it, you’re right.”

The bell above the wooden door dinged loudly, announcing the introduction of a new customer.

Putting down her book, the renowned Puck looked up to smile at the fresh blood. “Good afternoon, and welcome to Lavender Books and Records!”

Remus could only smile at her antics, before looking up at the customer. “How may we help you?”

---

“You really should cook more often.” He couldn’t help but tease her.

The kitchen was still a mess, a small price to pay for over-cooked pasta with slightly burnt tomato sauce.

“Shut up.”

They found their way to their three-people sofa, like they always seemed to do once it got later. It was much too small for three, even two. They usually solved it by half-sitting, half-lying, arms and legs randomly strew across.

“I’m thinking about hiring someone.”

“For sexual favours? Darling, you only needed to ask.”

“Didn’t know you’re a legitimized stripper.”

“What do you think all that extra rehearsal time after school was for?”

Her comment earned a loud sigh from Remus, before he moved on to what he actually had set out to say. “I meant someone to help around the shop.”

“Then why’re you asking me about it?”

“Dunno. You’re my best friend, I suppose I just wanted your opinion on the matter.”

“Hmm. I think you should hire someone really sexy, so you could extend your target age to a few years younger than 50.”

“Or perhaps a few years older? Depending on how blonde she is, of course.”

“... Or he.”

“Fair point.”

They could go on for forever. Bickering, embroidering each other’s jokes. It’d been like that for too long, they didn’t know what to do with themselves. Or what to do with each other. They fell asleep together that night, on the sofa for two.

---

The worn-out copy of Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’ witnessed about the many nights Remus had sacrificed for Mr. Orwell’s well-known fable. Several parts of the text were underlined, commented on, or simply washed out by the emotions he’d experience the first, second, and tenth time he’d read the book.

“I’m all done, you ready to go?” The voice of his friend made him reluctantly put down the paperback.

“Just a few more pages? I’m almost done with the chapte-”

“What’s with you and that damn book?”

He didn’t want to respond, finding her voice too harsh.

Her eyes were frowned, lost of their usual spark. “I tried to read it once, and it’s all just talking pigs and horses and “all animals are equal”... “, she stuttered for a while, falling in and out of her own language. In loss of what to say, she burst out: “How it can mean anything else than just animals fucking around?”

He knew her like this sometimes. After all these years, he knew her well. But he was rarely on the receiving end of her frustration, her endless exhaustion. But he still felt he didn’t know her well enough to know what to do, or what she wanted him to say.

“How did it go?”, he stalked her her around the corner of the theatre, speeding up to keep up with her fast steps. “Your audition, how was it?”

Her eyes are not what they usually are. Shine slightly dulled, movements lazy and strained. 

“How was it?”

“Shut up.” A demand, a need, rather than a request. She doesn’t care for manners; she rarely ever did.

“... Are you alright?”

Breathed out through gritted teeth, “Why shouldn’t I be?”

Trying to grab her hand, he tried to slow her fast pace. “Hey, hey. What’s up?”

Her tears were audible through her strained voice. “Let me go.”

“Not until you tell me what’s happened!”

“... Can we just go home, please?”

He finally found into her eyes, and could easily read her mind. “You didn’t get the part, do you?”

Anger pushed her eyebrows downwards, tears forcing their way out. Her figure collapsed against the concrete wall of the building near the pavement, face crumpling into a caricature of her own particular beauty. Curses flew out of her mouth, melting into a shameful spot on the dirty concrete. Choppy, angry, breaths, mixed with sniffling and desperate noises. “I fucked up. Again.”

 Then she fell against him. Shocked by the added weight upon him, he struggled to keep himself upright. They stumbled against each other for a moment, both fighting not to fall, before they finally found each other in a tight embrace.

Remus found himself longing to make her pain cease. He wanted to turn back to that audition hall, find the people in charge and strangle them with his bare hands. Her arms tight around him made him realise he would gladly sacrifice every first edition he owned to see her happy again. Forget first editions - every book he owned. Burn them all, for a simple lift of the corners of her mouth.

“I’m sorry, Puck”, his hands desperate to dry her tears away. “I’m so sorry.”

Her hands found his, grasping them to have something to hold on to. Her curses were out, her body empty of anger for the moment. Their breathing was starting to sync into slow, almost forced, breaths. 

In, out. In out. 

He slowly brought her hands up to place a kiss on them. Something deep in his heart started to sprout slowly, dearly, readying for new life to begin.

“Thank you”, muffled by the fabric of his coat. She stayed in his arms longer, just to feel the weight of his care on her. To smell his kindness. She had always felt drawn to him, bound by loyalty which could never be denied him. Like a lover. Or a dog.

She pulled away from him to stand upright by herself. Once her breathing had evened out , she found the strength to ask, “Are you a dog person or a cat person?”

An easy laugh forced its way out of his mouth “What?”

“Cats or dogs?”

“Why do you need to know?”

The glimmer in her eyes was beginning to catch fire again. “Just answer me?”

He took a moment to think, so he could stay honest to her with his every word. After a minute or so, “Dogs. Definitely dogs.”

Her smile finally appeared, and the world could begin again.

---

The theatre called her back a week later. 

She got the part.

---

1980

“Hey, anyone in there?” were the first words she said to him. 

Remus almost fell off the small stool he used to restock the taller shelves of the Tempest Library. The stack of heavy scripts in his arms didn’t make balancing any easier, and he found himself looking like a fool for a second. She also thought he looked quite stupid, but wouldn’t only tell him so until a few hours later.

She reached out a hand to help him steady himself. And suddenly, the two had gone from strangers to quite unlikely acquaintances. He coughed once, twice. “Thank you.”

He’d never met someone so bold with introductions. No fumbling, no insecure glances. Sure eyes and a secure handshake, and suddenly they were friends. 

“Sorry, were you looking for something?”

She seemed to size him up, inspecting the dust from the archived books on his arms, trying to find out what she thought of him already. Remus’ face changed to a redder shade at the thought of his disheveled hair, and the too cheery “Hello! My name is…” sign pinned onto the front of his jumper. Seemingly unaware of his knowledge of what she was doing, she took her time to get a good look of him. It ended with a small nod of her head, and brilliant eyes meeting his. “Have you got anything by Shakespeare?”

Remus felt more comfortable stepping into the role of librarian - it felt safer than realizing that this meeting would change his life. “Of course, you’ll find the Bard in our drama section.”

“... And that is?

“In isle G.” He tried to smile, but she still didn’t seem content with his answer.

“Do I have to get it myself, or is it really true that you can just conjure it up with your librarian-granted magic?”

His laugh was unexpected, even to himself. “It isn’t true, I’m afraid. But I’ll gladly show you isle G.”

The walk there seemed longer than the 30 metres it actually was. “Was it any particular text you were looking for?”

She eagerly looked around the different isles containing shelves of books about most subject on each and every letter in the alphabet. “Wow”, her hand went to remove some bothering hairs from her eyes. “You really have a lot of books here.”

“Well, it is a library.”

“Whatever. D’you know have many there are in here?.”

“It’s over 2000, at least. And that’s excluding the archive.”

“How d’you know?”

“I’ve counted them. Or tried to.”

Now it was her turn to laugh. Several quick breaths, a few snorting sounds. That’s what her laugh sounded like in the beginning. At some point, after a few weeks or even months, it would become a sound to lift him up on hopeless days. 

They finally reached their destination: isle G, the drama section. S for Shakespeare. “What were you looking for?”

“... Something about summer and dreaming. I can’t remember what my professor said-”

She turned quiet once she saw the book in front of her. Remus held up ‘A Midsummer Night's Dream’, looking at her with expectant eyes. “Could this be it?”

“‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’... That does sound familiar.”

He was surprised that she had nothing more to say. Though he’d only been aware of her existence for no more than what could be five minutes, he found himself thinking he’d known her much longer.

“What kind of title is that, though?”

He had to stop himself from smiling. There it was. Bingo.

He cleared his throat, trying to get back to reality. “Is there any particular reason as to why you’re seeking this particular book?”

“I’m doing an audition, and my professor said I need a bit of background info first.”

“Cool. Who’re you gonna play?”

“Dunno. Haven’t read it yet, have I?” 

He noticed how she moved. A curious thing, perhaps, for a newly-found friend to notice. But it was hard not to notice. She almost moved like a cartoon character. Moving her body around in an exaggerated manner, like she was being observed by a larger audience. Like she was performing her own life to a crowd. And it became obvious that the spotlight belonged to her, and only her.

He cleared his throat again, “So I’m guessing you’re here to borrow it?”

“Well, it’d be a bit hard to do my homework otherwise.”

“You’ll need a library card to do that, but I’m happy to help you apply for one.”

“How can you know that I don’t already have one?

Because it seems like you’ve never set your foot in a library before.

“I just… I listened to what you said, and… Sorry, do you have a library card?”

“No, I don’t. Could you help me get one?”

Remus was relieved to find the conversation somewhere familiar once again. “Of course, I’ll just need your name and your phone number.”

“This sounds a lot like something a stalker would say, but I’ll take the risk since I really want to get a good role.”

He didn’t know whether or not he was in a position to laugh at what she’d just said. Was it a joke on him? A joke on her? A joke to herself only?

“Please laugh”, that hint of joy in her eyes again, “otherwise I’ll just feel stupid.”

“Wouldn’t want that to happen.”

“No one’s ever died from a little stupid.”

“I believe it’s called ‘stupidity’.”

“I believe I just proved my own point.”

“Well, to be fair, lots of people have died from their own stupidity on lots of occasions.”

A broad arm gesture, “That’s not the point.”

“What is the point then?”

“Do you still want my phone number?”

“Well, I’ll need it for the library card.”

“Okay. D’you have a pen and some paper, or will I have to use the book?”

He handed her a pencil and a piece of paper from his back pocket, happy to finally get some use of them. “Please don’t use the book. I think people here have been fired for less than scribbling.”

After a quick signature in barely readable hand-writing, he handed her two notes.

“This one”, she gave him the first note, “is for the damn library card.”

“And this one’s”, she gave him the second note, “is for you.” 

She grabbed the book and placed it in her backpack, getting ready to head of to her next adventure. Before she left him, “You can call me about Shakespeare or something tonight.”

---

The connection sparked, “Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“I didn’t think you’d call.” It almost sounded like an accusation, coming from her in a slightly harsh tone. It was hard to tell when her face wasn’t available.

“How come?”

“What?”

“Why didn’t you think I’d call.”

“Didn’t seem like the type.”

“The type to call?”

“The type to do anything exciting.”

He didn’t know what to say to that.

“Sorry if I’m a bit rude right now”, she shuffled the phone from one ear to the other. “It’s the way I am.”

“Well, that sounds…”

“Alarming?”

“Honest.”

“Wow.”

“Did I manage to surprise you again?”

“Yes. Yes, you did.”

Their breathing almost synced, before she said, “You’re pretty cool.”

And he felt she really meant it. He’d soon come to realize she meant everything she said. Most times, at least. And he’d come to love it.

“So are you.”

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

The connection ended. Remus sat still for a moment, not really knowing what he thought. Had he been expecting something else? And then her words came back to his mind, “See you tomorrow.”

There would be a tomorrow including her. And perhaps a day after that. And perhaps even the days after that. And slowly, he started to see how his life could change. And he thought it was pretty cool.

---

He waited for her the next day.

And the next.

And the next.

And soon he had to send her a late notice for the book she’d unofficially borrowed.

---

The light outside the library became dull, heading towards complete darkness. Remus looked longingly towards the tall windows, wishing he could be on his way home. He had a few chapters left of ‘The Great Gatsby’, and he could barely wait until he could finish it later that evening. 

A not too familiar voice cut through the thick silence: “If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended, that you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream, gentles, do not reprehend: If you pardon, we will mend: And, as I am an honest Puck… ”

She could not continue after that. He restrained himself from a loud sigh, finding it impolite to do so. He then wondered if she’d find it impolite, or if she really cared about politeness at all.

“Good evening, honest Puck.” He looked up from the book report on the library counter before him. 

Her eyes betrayed her wish to stay cold and collected, “I’m sorry.”

The book was in her hands, along with a piece of paper. She looked at him with hopeful eyes as she handed him the script back.

He handled the book, searching to find any new imperfections. His eyes met hers. “This is a week late.”

“... I’m sorry about that too.”

“I should charge you for that. It’s my job, after all.”

“I don’t think you will.”

He hated how she knew him already. “No. I won’t.”

In a desperate attempt to continue the conversation in some other direction, “I take it you got the part as Puck?”

“Understudy.”

“Does this mean I’ll have to murder someone?”

She laughed, “Thanks, but I like to kill my own enemies.”

“Perhaps a minor accident? Nothing too serious, just serious enough…”

She laughed again. “I hope you’ll come see it, even if I’m not in it. I can get you tickets if you’d like.”

Her offer wasn’t very tempting to him. “Sure.”

She gently rolled on the balls of her feet, not able to keep still for more than a second. “When d’you get off tonight?”

This offer was more to his liking. “Late.”

“I’ll call you.”

“Will you?”

“I will.”

“I don’t believe you”, he started looking at the report again, hoping he looked cold and collected. She thought he did. “But I’m eager to have you surprise me.”

She wrinkled her nose, finding his sentence too perplexing to care. “I’ll call you.”

“Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’m occupied elsewhere.”

“And where might that be?”

“In the works of F. Scotts Fitzgerald.”

“Who’s that? Your uncle?”

“No”, he was confused by her confusion. “He’s an author.”

“Well I haven’t heard of him.”

“It seems like you haven’t heard of a lot of things.”

It was meant as a thought, but it slipped out of his mouth before he could restrain himself. Her reaction to the insult-like statement was even curiouser. 

Laughter. It lit up the dim room, and made the sun want to crawl back onto the sky. “Good talking to you, Remus. I’ll call you.”

---

A few beeps before connection. 

“Hello.”

“I’m surprised.”

“Gotcha. Now you’re never ever getting rid of me.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad.”

‘The Great Gatsby’ was put aside for the rest of the night, and he was forced to reschedule his entire life for her phone calls to fit.

It doesn’t sound so bad at all…

---

1984

“D’you wanna go to this weird art exhibition?” She leaned over his reading, stealing away the light from the kitchen table. This was the tenth time he tried to finish ‘The Great Gatsby’ with no apparent success. 

He was forced to meet her eyes, “Come again?” 

“Not right now, I’m still a bit sore.” She was laughing halfway through her own joke. 

It earned her an eye roll from him. “You know what I meant. And you should also know that your mind disgusts me.”

“Thank you. Wanna go now?”

“I’m sorry, but my evening is unfortunately occupied elsewhere.”

Another sentence she didn’t care for, “... Meaning?”

He returned to his book, wanting to seem suave or something like it. “I’ve got a date.”

“Like a… ”, she needed a few moments to comprehend, her arms and eyebrows everywhere, “a real date? A human date?”

“... I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that.”

“Sorry, but I didn’t know that rat-haired librarians were in such demand.” 

He looked up to see her smile. “Actually, you’d be surprised.”

“What? Are you saying that you’ve turned down dates?”

A nod of his head, he could feel his confidence growing. “A few.”

She moved closer to him, “What’re you hiding, Lupin?”

He laughed, “Nothing, Puck.”

Crossing her arms, “Where are all these girlfriends then? Or boyfriends?”

“I just-”, he found himself in search of the words he wanted to say, something which rarely occurred to him. “I just didn’t feel like it.”

“Didn’t feel like it? That’s sounds like absolute bullsh-”

His hand quickly reached to cover her mouth, “Mind your words, please.”

She hit his hand away, revealing a smile. “Sure, Mr. Anglo-Saxon.”

“Hmm. I do love it when you talk dirty to me.”

“Hmm. I really wonder what your date will think of that.” 

After a moment, her curiosity won. Bright, curious eyes,“Who is it?”

“You don’t know her-”, he tried again to seem collected. He’d never really mastered the effect, even with all the practice he put it.

“Maybe I do. You don’t know about all my social circles.”

He had to smile, “Dear, we make out the majority of each other’s social circles.”

“Fair point. But who is she?”

“If you must know… Her name is Alice.”

She was practically hanging off of him now, “And how did you meet?”

His cheeks flushed at her closeness. It wasn’t anything new, she’d been too close and too fast from the very beginning. But it never failed to make him change shade to a much redder one. “She’s been helping around the shop for a while now.”

“... I didn’t think you were that desperate.” She slid away from him. 

He already missed her arms around him. “Now you’re really being rude.”

“Hmm.” She didn’t regret it. Something about the fact that her best friend would spend an evening without her bothered her. It made her words harsh and unguarded, which she almost always regretted afterwards. Especially if it was Remus. Which is was in this case, and many other. 

“Guess I’ll go to the exhibition alone, then.”

He found the clock on the wall, realising how late the hour was. As he stood up and moved to reach for his winter coat, he suddenly found himself afraid of looking too nonchalant. “You do that. Tell me how it was once I get back tonight.”

“Not planning to spend the night with Heather? Or how about the rest of your life... ”

“Hannah. Her name is Hannah.” He closed the last buttons, then wrapped a scarf around his freckled neck. “And I might consider it, seeing as your acting is nothing more than unpleasant.”

“Fine. You do that. Not like I care.”

Please, stay here with me instead.

“It seems like you do.”

“I don’t.”

I already miss you.

“Okay. Goodnight.”

She didn’t say goodnight back. 

Remus stayed the night with Hannah, discussing ‘The Great Gatsby’. Hannah never realised he hadn’t finished the book. He almost wished she did. Wished she’d called him out on it, so he could answer with a clever comeback.

He wished he’d stayed at home.

---

She was eating breakfast when he tried to open the door as quietly as possible. “You’re up already? Isn’t this your day off”, he tried to act normal, but he couldn’t remember how. Chugging off his coat, he asked, “How was the art show?”

She tried to find some way of conveying how sorry she was. Sorry for the bitter words, sorry for her uncaring way of the night before. No words fit the purpose, and she found herself staring at her friend instead.

“Are you quite alright?”

Somewhere within, she felt a twinge of something. Like a small thorn, pricking away at her insides. Putting down her bowl of cereal, she eliminated the few metres between them. His cheeks were still rosy from the cold outside, and she noticed how his eyes were just a little bit clearer. 

She didn’t shy away from his glance as she said it, “I’m sorry.”

Remus could never stay mad at her for longer than ten minutes. If she’d been particularly impossible, that time could stretch into twenty. He’d realized this far too early in their time of knowing each other. 

“I know.”

Her arms slid around him, and she was relieved to find him open for her. “I’m sorry. But I probably meant it.”

His limbs turned soft, his shoulders relaxing. He hadn’t realized he was so tense without her. “I know.”

“How was your date?”

“Okay.”

“Good.”

“How was the art show?”

“I didn’t go.”

“Why not?”

“Things aren’t as fun without you.”

He found his comebacks to fit right into her sentences. “Good for me.”

“Good for you.”

They were content to hold each other in silence for a few seconds.

“Wanna eat breakfast together out?” she suggested. 

His eyebrows drew closer together, a smile already appearing on his face. “You just had breakfast. And I had breakfast at Hannah’s.”

“Yeah. But we haven’t had breakfast together yet.”

“You’re right. Let’s go.”

Their lives - and their life - was quickly mended again over blueberry muffins and tea.

---

Another evening, a few days later. Puck paced back and forth in the living room. Their living room. Thought moving too quickly in her head for her to understand any of them. Her shoulders relaxed, pace slowed, as she heard keys jammed into the lock of the door. Remus entered, bright eyes and rosy cheeks. His arms were occupied by stack of books and a paper bag full of the night’s dinner.

“They didn’t have those muffins you asked for, but I think I managed to find something like it-”, he was mid conversation when he noticed her angry complexion, her worried pace. 

“What’s going on here?”

She started to walk faster again, words falling out of her mouth at a too fast speed. “So, I was talking to Lily-”

“Really? How’s James? And have they decided on a name for the baby yet?”

“Didn’t say. I think they’re going for something like Henry? I can’t remember… Where was I?” 

He moved inside the flat, putting the books and bags down on the kitchen table. “... You were talking to Lily?”

“Right! But what she said was that she could never see us two dating…”

He looked up, confused and worried by her. “Sorry, I’m not really following. What did she say?”

“She said we could never date.” It fired out of her, an explosion of syllables.

“And why is that so bad?”

Her face fell into sadness. It was one of the few times he’d seen her genuinely sad, and he found it hurt his heart. He moved towards her, wondering if a hug would be the right thing to do. She stopped to look at him, before she continued, “... Doesn’t matter. But isn’t that a weird thing to say? I mean, we get along fine!”

He chickened out of a hug, and settled for gentle touching her arm instead, moving them both to sit down on the sofa in the living room. “We get along marvelously, darling. You’re my absolute best friend.”

Her face was already lighting up, thoughts settling once again. What was she ever worried about? “And you’re my best friend in the whole wide world.”

The smirk on his face implied a lot of things. 

She took one look at him, restoring back to herself again. ��Get that stupid smile off your stupid face.” Closing her eyes, she let a smile consume her own face again. “Or else I’ll have to give you a black eye, or something.”

Threats never worked on him, she was well aware of that. His head fell onto her shoulder. “You seem very upset about this. Any particular reason as to why?”

She quickly turned explosive again. “Aren’t you supposed to be on a date tonight?”

“... No?”

“Hmm. So Miss Perfect decided to spare you this night?”

He moved away from her, standing up and crossing the room to find the open kitchen. Their open kitchen. “You know, sometimes you’re not very nice at all.”

“And?”

“Exactly.”

He couldn’t bare her taking more of his energy. “I think I’ll take a walk.”

“Would you like company?”

“No. I’d rather be alone.”

Ouch.

“There’s food in the bag.”

“Okay.”

She shouted a half-hearted “Bye” as she saw him go, missing him already. The mix of feelings inside of her made her forehead wrinkle and her eyebrows stoop down.

He never did things on whims, but the feelings which resided in him overwhelmed him. They did that when she was around. “I’m thinking about moving out.”

If he’d seen her eyes, he would’ve seen the deepest of fears. 

Her hair covered her eyes. “What?”

“Yeah. See you.”

We get along just fine.

---

REMUS

Remus stared at the ceiling above him. Her words seemed to get to him tonight more than he thought they would. He was often confused by her. But this time felt different. This time, he wished he’d understood her. What had she been talking about? Lily and them not being a good couple? And why had she been so upset by it?

Perhaps… 

A thought, an old hope, was lit up once again. Old dreams of holding hands, sharing food, sharing life, started to replay in his head. Parallel in his mind, was what he deemed reality. The times when she wouldn’t listen, when her sharp words hurt. Her selfishness. 

We get along just fine.

He wondered, was it really true? Or was it something he’d tried to convince himself of these past years?

A thought passed his mind. A thought he often found himself playing with. Why not just leave?

Leave her and her sharp tongue. Her childish ways. Her selfish priorities. Leave her and her honesty. Her lovely laugh. Her whimsical world.

He could never leave her.

The old flame inside his chest was lit again, and it became harder to put out, to bury, after each time. The glow shuddered, only to burn even brighter. Would she come running after him? He wasn’t sure. He could only hope. He’d read too many novels in his life to know what was truly realistic. To know what life is really like. He wondered, did he want to know? All he wanted, all he knew, was her. 

Leave her?

He woke up - he could never do that. He wouldn’t know where to start. Sure, she was infuriating at best. But wasn’t he as well? Weren’t they a match like the ones in Shakespeare’s plays? Spare the deaths and woes, he only wanted her company. So they could have their happy ending. Happily ever after. Or for a short time, at least. Until one of them pissed the other off. And then they’d apologise, and the cycle would repeat. They’d live like hell, and love even more. It would be wonderful. They wouldn’t always get along, but it wouldn’t matter. 

A pair of star-cross'd lovers can begin their life. 

---

PUCK

She’d felt the need to breath. The air inside the flat didn’t seem like enough. The air outside, in the small park around the corner, wasn’t enough either.

We get along just fine.

He was the best person she’d ever met. He was kind. And smart. He was good-hearted and honest and so all things wonderful. And whenever she saw him, all she felt about him became so much, and she didn’t know where to go. So she’d explode every now and then. She’d thought he could stand it. Sometimes, she even thought he liked it. But it seemed it wasn’t so. Perhaps it never was.

Perhaps...

---

They found each other a few hours later.

She’d never seen him so sure. He was having tea, reading something by Shakespeare, at the kitchen table.

“Hi.”

Was he always this good-looking?

“Greetings to thee.” He just wanted to smile at her. But he didn’t find it the right time. 

Surely, it must be a trick of the light, she thought. Or just her tired eyes seeing something else. Light brown hair, slightly ruffled in the way only he could do it. The most perfect face shape - and Godrick, that jawline. Long, freckled nose. Eyes she wished only she knew. Was this really her friend? Or had someone taken her dear Remus’ place when she was sleeping?

She felt a sudden need to say something nice. Something friendly, like “I love you”.  Quick, “How… are you?”

“How am I?”

“Yes. How are you?”

“I’ve known you for… four years”, he looked up at her with his kind eyes, a smile finally taking form. “And I don’t think you’ve ever asked me that.”

She gave him a look.

“Well then. I’m quite anxious on this Saturday morning.”

“About?”

“Something very important.”

“Hmm. I hope it’ll turn out alright for you.”

“So do I.”

His eyes were so honest. It struck her like a spotlight. She loved the way he looked at her. He was all the audience she needed. 

“We should...”

Make out?

“...talk.”

Her eyes didn’t betray her mind for once, “Ok. You could… ”

Kiss you?

“... meet me after rehearsal?”

He masked his disappointment flawlessly. “Sure. When d’you get off?”

“At nine, hopefully.” She found her script and slid it into a backpack. She shrugged on her ragged jeans jacket, adding a scarf for warmth and comfort. The early spring outside wasn’t too kind to freezing souls.

“Fine. I’ll meet you then.”

“See you!”

---

ROMEO

She speaks:

O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art

As glorious to this night, being o'er my head

As is a winged messenger of heaven

Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes

Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him

When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds

And sails upon the bosom of the air.

JULIET

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name;

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,

And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

---

They met outside in the park outside the theatre.

She: “You know, I’m in love with you.”

He found no words. Of all the books he’d read, he couldn’t think of a single thing to say. He could, however, think of some things to do.

Take hold of her hand. Find her closer. Let their lips meet.

“I love you.”

“That’s right”, her face scrunched into a grimace, it seemed like she was trying to change her insides. “Damnit!”

He still couldn’t understand all of her. But he could try. He could ask.“What?”

Her arms flew out into a gesture, before she looked at him through frustrated eyes. “I promised myself I’d be nicer to you. Now that we’re in love an all.”

He had to smile at her. “Please don’t be.”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely.”

That earned him a kiss. And another. And another.

She let go of him, laughing, “Now I can really see what Lily meant with us not being an ideal couple…”

Their faces were close, they could hear each others quietest whispers. He sighed, “Hmm. Screw ideal.”

“How about we screw each other?”

He laughed, “I’m not entirely opposed to that idea.”

He finally felt he’d succeeded with suave. Cool and collected. At the same time, burning and all over the place.

She tugged at his hand, leaned in and whispered like she was telling a secret, “Wanna go eat at the Indian place?”

“Perhaps we could make a small stop first?”

“Where to?”

“I was thinking home.”

His eyes told her exactly what he meant. Her face turned rosy at his thoughts.

She leaned in, and he expected a sweet word, or something like it. Her nose almost touched his ear as she said, “Race you to it!”

She was already running at full speed when he straightened up.

“The loser has to pay for dinner!”

Their laughs echoed through the streets. And their life as star-cross'd lovers took its first breaths.

---

taglists

permanent: @rocking-like-a-ravenclaw / @kapolisradomthoughts / @siriusement / @electraheart-isdead / @classy-sith-lady / @hermione-who / @pompeiianbollocker / @theseuscmander

remus lupin: @writingwitchly / @serenefreakgeek / @spideyfan456 / @un-nouveau-soleil / @evyiione /  @reggieblck / @bookworm0123

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Only For A Moment Ch. 10

Master List | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Summary: For most of your life you’d been able to keep your abilities a secret, that is until Hydra got wind of you. After years of being in their clutches, you break out when The Avengers expose SHIELD/Hydra. Since then, you’ve been on the run. Things are going as well as you could hope when you see a familiar face… Could the Winter Soldier really be in Bucharest too?

Warnings: Nothing really.

A/N: This isn’t relevant to the chapter but is anyone else feeling that Chris Evans tweet still? It’s like an end of an era and I’m just already gearing up for all the tears that are going to come. Enough of that. It’s been a fucking terrible week and I kind of just want to bury myself in my writing for a month (fic and otherwise). Hope y’all like this one =)

Tags are open!

@bluegirlusa1 @l0kisbitch @tazzi-baby  @disagreetoagree @woodyandbuzz20-01 @mooniightbucky @soulless-and-sarcastic

You plop on the couch pulling your bag to you groaning.

“What's wrong?” He sounds so concerned your heart aches for a second.

“Nothing,” you laugh a little, “I just never thought I’d still hate doing laundry even when I own like six pieces of clothing total.” He studies you a minute and goes to his small closet. He throws a dark blue button up at you and your power catches it midair. You peek around the floating garment and look at him quizzically.

“Get dressed,” a pair of jeans sail over the suspended shirt and you catch it normally.

You stand to snatch the shirt, “I own pants.”

“How many pairs?”

Shaking your head, “1.5.”

“Please explain how someone can have half a pair of pants?” In response, a pair of too big jeans cut off at the knee rise from your bag. He shakes his head, “What in the hell are those?”

“My laundry day pants.”

“A disgrace is what they are.” You really can’t argue. “We’re getting you some clothes.”

Your pride prickles at this, “I can get my own clothes,” and you send his clothing hurling at him. His metal hand catches them and he massages the bridge of his nose.

“But you don’t.” You stare incredulously. “You said you have six pieces of clothing, no five because I won’t count whatever those monsters you showed me were. You could get your own clothes but you don’t. You’re an exceptional thief,” your mouth opens to defend yourself, “that’s a compliment,” he fends you off, hands up. “And you have passible documents, obviously the know-how to get new ones if needed. Easy enough to get a place. Yet you chose to live in something no better than a cave.” He holds your cold stare for a second and sighs. “In the nine days I observed you, I think I saw you eat maybe, maybe, four or five times and even then not much. You could have been eating in that house but I didn’t see anything besides some bottled water there so I’m assuming you weren’t.” Your eyes are firmly planted on the ground.

“I did, see you drink no less than five huge coffees a day, black mostly I’m assuming. I did see you burn through what, a pack a day, at least? But you don’t seem to even be a habitual smoker because in the whole time I’ve been around you, you haven’t lit up once and you left the pack you had in your squat. I did see you drink-“

“Enough!” Who the fuck does he think he is?! Your ragged jeans, the full-length ones, land in your hand and you slip them on. “Thank you for reminding me that you were stalking me for over a week without me having a fucking clue, makes me feel super confident about my ability to keep myself alive.” You grab your bag and boots, “And thank you for the bed and breakfast experience but I can take care of myself.”

You’re about to turn the doorknob when you hear him say, “But you don’t.” You pause for just a moment, “You don’t because you think you don’t deserve it.” Now you’re frozen. “Anything that happened to you there wasn’t your fault and anything you may have done… you have to try and forgive yourself for.” You look over your shoulder at him, he’s looking right at you, metal arm still clutching the clothes hanging at his side. “If you need a point of reference, I promise you I’ve done far worse things, and I’m not sure what I even deserve… but the basics food, clothing, shelter, even I allow myself that.”

When you escaped Hydra six months ago you had just wanted to end it. What was the point of living anymore? All the people who mattered were dead, erased from everything. You had less than nothing. But you couldn’t do it.

After Nix found you at 15 you had told him you wanted to just die. He’d said, “Fuck that! The best way to get back at every asshole who’s hurt you is to keep living. Don’t give them the satisfaction of winning, they don’t deserve it.” You couldn’t let him down now so you decided to live, go on for them. But… you weren’t really living. You were just, alive. Suddenly you felt so ashamed. You owed it to them, to Nix, to yourself to do better than this.

Your tongue didn’t want to obey but you drop your boots by the door and strode over to him, yank the proffered clothing out of his hand without making eye contact, and slam the bathroom door closed.

Staring in the mirror you glare at yourself. Door slamming? Really? Are you a teenager?

You lift your breasts up, binding them tightly. Maybe too tight. But a twinge of pain is grounding and you leave it. The button up is blue-black, Brings out my circles beautifully. You’d never been more thankful for your broad shoulders than in these last few months. they made passing easier, as did the muscles you’d gained over years of training with Hydra. Concealing your wide hips and hourglass torso was easy with layers. The jeans were too long as was the shirt, ending just below your ass. You may have always been thick but tall, not so much. You lift the denim from its resting place just above your pubic bone and cinch them with a belt closer to your waist. tuck the front of the shirt in leaving the back out to further hide your curves. The sleeves you roll to your elbows before stealing yourself to face the aftermath of your own bullshit.

He’s sitting comfortably on the couch reading the book of Cummings’ poems when you come out. Looking at you over the book he gives you a small smile and you almost wince. Y/N. You’re a fucking asshole.

He left your boots by a dining table chair, even laid your jacket, which you’d almost stormed off without, over the chair for you. You crumple into it. “I… I’m…”

“You really don’t have-“

“I do though.” He’s slipped a piece of stray paper into the book and is looking at you with a gentle expression. “By and large you’ve been needlessly nice to me. And this… I’ve always been bad at accepting help and everything… I don’t know how to be a fucking person anymore on top of it.”

He lets out a humorless laugh. “I’m struggling with being a human again too… I get it.”

“Well, you’re certainly better at it than me.”

“Hardly.” He sets the book aside. You slip into the boots. “So, you good to go?” He’s walked over to you and reached out his right hand. You take it.

“Yeah.” He slips gloves over his hands and you wonder if he had them yesterday. and grabs his cap.

Clothes shopping with The Winter Soldier, you think, What the fuck is even my life?

[disasterbisexual-moved]

I have no idea how to ask this and u don’t have to answer but what are your thoughts on girls who have cheated? Or dating girls who cheated on their ex once? I ask because I have once in my life I’ve cheated on 1 girl I’m not proud of it I’d never do it again seeing the way it hurt her and how much it hurt me too. But no one really wants to date a cheater yknow. And I really wanna start dating again but that one thing I did almost 1.5 years ago as a junior in high school, I think its stopping

Me. maybe because I’m scared the next girl I like will ask and I won’t know how to answer, I have no clue. I’m in a college where no one from high school knows me but for some reason I just feel like if I i have to tell the next girl I date or want to go out with it would change things and for some reason its all just really scary to me. But until now it hasnt really bothered me and I think its bothering me now because Im feeling really lonely and worrying and my emotions are kinda screwed up..

I think you’re heart is in the right place, but unfortunately being “that girl who cheated on her ex” is your cross to bear. personally, I understand why people do it, and there are circumstances (e.g. feeling unsafe and wanting to break up, but not having the courage to do that) where it’s not 100% the cheater’s fault, and I can sympathize with you, especially since it’s something I did when I was 12 and in a physically abusive relationship. 

I’m not a therapist or guidance counselor. you should really try to talk to whoever is available on campus for that kind of thing, because they can give you much more personalized advice. but, if it eases your mind, I don’t think you're a bad person. you took a risk to send this to me and ask for my opinion, and that shows that you’re owning up to and taking responsibility for what you did in high school. if she asks, be honest and say something along the lines of “no, I’d never cheat on you” and if that opens up a conversation about your past, you can talk about what you learned from making that bad decision. 

your actions indicate maturity and growth, and I don’t think you need me to tell you that, if someone won’t date you or decides to break up with you solely because of something shitty you did over a year ago, they’re probably not the right person for you. remember that you are not the only person with a checkered past, and there are probably some girls struggling with the same inner turmoil that’s eating at your conscience right now. be honest with yourself, and you’ll find the right girl. 

[tomatoluvr69]

This is for you to see whenever you log back on or whatever, but a great rom com (unfortunately it's also a holiday movie - but maybe your into the whole Christmas in July thing) is called Single All The Way. It was on Netflix (unsure if it still is)

also if you want a rom com show to watch, I've heard great things about The Summer I Turned Pretty (which is on Prime)

Fortunately for u anon I go into a fugue state whenever I enter the holidays and would watch absolutely anything. This looks like the exact type of thing my siblings and I would pile on a couch together and eat snacks to, so I’ll probably save it for that 😊

Unfortunately I can’t watch the summer I turned pretty because I remember seeing it on the shelf back when my local library’s YA section was a 1.5 shelves next to the south beach diet cookbooks and feeling vaguely threatened by its contemporary (read: unapproachably heterosexual) aura. This is what the book looked like and there were NOT a lot of options… this shit is emblazoned in my brain:

My sincerest hope is that you, anon, never had to go through the intimidation of this book and can enjoy the movie with unadulterated enjoyment. Sadly I cannot, as it made me feel an indescribable to me at the time sort of inadequacy when really I was just looking for things like this, which were the other sort of offering available at the time.

The one on the left (if I recall correctly and I read it in like 2008) involved a teenager like 10000 years from now who’s bad at conforming to his society where they wear masks 100% of the time and have to marry their twin, who is in fact just an artificial womb sharer genetically designed to produce perfect offspring. So he’s bad at that, right, for whatever reason, and the ‘cure’ is to put him in a completely immersive experience….of 1300s (?) shtetl life where he winds up dying in a pogrom. Fucked up? Yeah. I haven’t even thought about this book in like 10 years man but it used to be the wild fucking west in ya lit. I’ll never forget the book I read where the anorexic protagonist goes to spend the summer with cousins in Britain, starts fucking one of them, then Europe gets hit by a massive war and she goes on a desperate run for survival until her American parents intervene and get her the hell out of there. And then in the epilogue she finally makes it back to the UK so she can live out her days in peace, in love with the now deeply traumatized and barely verbal cousin she fell in love with all those years ago. I think Saoirse Ronan and George McKay of 1917 fame starred in the movie version.

I think that you and I might have had slightly differing tastes in teen media, anon…which is to be expected!!!!!!!!!!! But it’s not your fault I randomly had a weirdly specific memory with the book/movie you suggested lmfao

[annoyingreminder]

11 Aug 2021

So I ghosted him. Kinda.

We've maintained a good friendship all these years - continuous loooong paragraphs of texts as we kept introducing new questions that leads to new topics while keeping old topics going, we have one-on-one video calls once a month on average. We have a balance of lighthearted teasings and deep conversations. Nothing flirtatious.

As of the past half a year at least, I suddenly came to realisation how much closer we are now than when we first became friends. Although we considered ourselves to be good friends, we both had our guards up... him more than me. He was a very closed book, a clam, if you will. It was hard to read him, you never really know what he's thinking and how he's feeling. He didn't share much of his opinion.

Now that we've been friends for 4.5 years, we've definitely built some trust and I know we're more open and honest with our feelings and thoughts. A drastic difference would be him since I'm more open with my opinions since the beginning. This makes me happy because although he still has a wall up, it has lowered a bit. I know it's not easy, so I appreciate it very much. He said it himself that there's trust between us now, so he's more open. I can see it.

What he doesn't know is the one thing we don't ever talk about, the thing I dread whenever there's a chance of being brought up - my feelings for him. Our friends know I still have some feelings for him because they've asked me in our video calls... when he wasn't around, and I admitted it because I didn't see the need to lie. My friends are not snitches and when it came to this, they know to not cross the line. I have some feelings for him lingering around, although not as intense as I used to have. But I'm not planning to do anything about it. No telling him about it, no expecting him to figure it out, no asking him to be my boyfriend. So my feelings are pretty much harmless... to him.

It eats away a tiny piece of my heart everytime I think about it. So I don't. At least, I can compartmentalise it and focus on life instead.

Three weeks ago, we had a call and it was mostly a heavy conversation about our current situation in our countries, the pandemic, the politics, and such. Prior to the call, during the call, and after the call, he mentioned that he realized how similar our situations are, we feel the same frustrations, we're pretty much in the same boat in different oceans (?). I could sense that it was like a revelation to him and it surprised him. Another brick off the wall.

Then we texted about the Turkish series I was watching and he related its lengthiness to the Russian literature, Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace. Then he asked a few questions which ended up in me ghosting him. He asked what literature I studied in school and if I enjoyed it, since he mentioned not enjoying back then but he found an appreciation for Russian literature now that he's older. And he asked if I'm into literature now.

It hit me, his questions.

I took a step back. Not because of literature. Because why was he asking about my past and present thoughts on something deep, something somewhat philosophical? Our friendship is getting into the next level, a powered-up friendship. If we keep this up, we're gonna be BFFs! 😂🥴

I can't.

I felt like... if I open up more, let him into my life more, share about my past present future more, I'm going to catch more feelings than I've already caught. There's going to be a stronger, deeper connection - a bond - being formed. It's great if we're purely friends, it's not great if one of us, namely ME have caught feelings.

So instead of answering his questions - I studied Shakespeare's Life's Brief Candle and Angela Wright's Potato People, and that I thought it was interesting but teachers might have overthought the implicit meanings, and that I now am not so much into classic literature as I have no patience for fluff - I ghosted him.

I didn't want to share with him the teenage me, I didn't want him to get to know the teenage or even the child me. It's too deep.

With our mutual group of friends, we're really close but even then, we don't talk about super deep topics or ask about each other's pasts. So with him, the friendship is deeper as compared to the rest.

I'm guarding my heart though. As much as I wish he'd text to start a new conversation, or just to ask how am I, or reply to my Instagram Story... he hasn't in the last three weeks since I ghosted him... and it's not his fault. I was the one who didn't reply.

After our 4-hour three-people group video call 1.5 weeks ago though - it was me, him, and the Swede - he texted me separately and said he was genuinely glad to see me, and as much as he wanted to chat separately, he was too tired. I mean, I was too. We spoke for FOUR HOURS and it was almost 3am for me by then.

"Talk to you next time, Naomi", he said. This is familiar. Back in DC, he wrote a note on my phone saying he'll ask me to dance next time because he didn't get the chance to. When is "next time"? I don't think he even remembers the dance he wanted to ask me to 😥

I'd like if he texted and asked to video call. But he hasn't. Would he though?

Maybe he sensed that I don't want to talk, so he wouldn't? I don't know... I just wish I get to talk to him before I start work again. Not because I'll be too busy for calls (I'm never too busy for any of my loved ones), but because he knows I don't like my job and that it previously deteriorated my physical and mental health... he would always make time to have a call and let me rant and vent and bawl my eyes out. He was my support.

As strong as I am heading back into work, it'd make me feel better if I talked to him.

But he's just my friend and I shouldn't lay on him such a responsibility or burden. I shouldn't rely on him for support that is expected from a more-than-friends friend.

I ghosted him, but I irrationally want him to unghost me lol I know all I have to do is to reach out and it'll be as if nothing happened. He wouldn't ask, that, I know. After all, he probably doesn't think much of my disappearance... and we never want to approach the topic of possibility of having feelings.

For the umpteenth time, I'm trying to get rid of my feelings for him. This time it seems to be harder, possibly because I realized how much closer we are now.

Wouldn't it be easier if he just liked me back? Wouldn't it be easier if he had feelings for me too...