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[normalestgirlblog]

My mother part 1 of probably a few

I genuinely have no one to talk about this with and it doesn't make sense if I talk about it in person because I will never be able to articulate this in a way that makes any sense.

There is something so isolating about family shit, because no one can really understand the dynamics and how fucking messy it is because they are not in your family.

Not that anyone I know cares enough to even fucking ask me how I'm doing or try to talk about it with me. Maybe that's my fault because sometimes I just shut down or try to avoid the topic, but it just feels like no one even wants to touch it, because they cant even understand it.

My best friends really get it, but I don't want to bog them down with my misery especially when they are so far away. The people around me I just don't feel like any comfort, I feel like I'm being attacked constantly by things that are potentially in my control but are so far away from what I actually care or think about. Its just so exhausting having to be everyone's person and never being good enough, and simultaneously nobody putting in the same effort for me.

Maybe I am just on my period. Maybe I am just experiencing high levels of anxiety which is triggering some sort of depression bullshit that I am not loving. Maybe I just don't have a vape. Or maybe everything is constantly working against me. I can barely do my work, I overthink what I eat. I feel sick and full and starving and fine all at once. I am having sex but even that isn't distracting me from all this bullshit. Especially now that he's pulling away like very significantly.

I dont know what to do about it. I wish he would just fucking end it instead of doing this bullshit like not responding fast enough not making plans anymore like I just don't get it. I really fucking liked this guy, and I thought he liked me. I am just so confused and I don't understand what I did wrong. Not that I really want to know, I would just rather be alone and not know. Maybe I should just be alone, focus on my bag, focus on myself. Maybe I should just be like al, and be a constant bitch to everyone and only hang out with my boyfriend. It would be nice to have a boyfriend to hang out with but fuck it men and women fuck all of you you are all wasting my time with nonsense. Fucking is fun, but its overrated.

I am gonna drink a lot tonight by myself which is so my high school depression era of me but it feels right.

I wish my mom would stick around longer. Maybe I am being selfish, but we were just starting to repair our relationship. Through writing this whole thing this is the only part that is starting to make me cry. I love her so much, and its been so hard for the past two years and I just want her to be around. Shes leaving in a week. I don't know when I will see her again. I want her to be happy but I also want her near. Shes one of my best friends, and I have just started truly letting her into my life. And now my dad is moving to DC at the end of May and I am graduating and everything is changing and I just want to vomit and stay the same. I don't know where I am going to live. I don't know who I am going to be. I don't want to keep second guessing myself. I think I should just move west and start over truly and ghost everyone my family, friends, and just be alone. I think it might fix me. I think something is broken and I am not exactly sure what it is. I think I care about things too much, especially about things that are not important.

I hate him, and I hate her and I hate everyone and I love everyone and everything. But most of all I think I just hate myself.

He finally texted after not responding all day. I know I shouldn't be mad or upset because I am sure he has things going on but this kind of couldn't have come at a worse time for me. And I know we don't know each other that well but since we have been talking I have come to depend on him in a way that I know is too soon and too much but that is who i am. I have never been casual about anything in my life. Everyone who I chose to let in I need them to be there, I want them to be there. I don't think I can respond. I literally have nothing to say, what can I say. My life is horrible and shitty and I was holding so tightly onto you because everyone else in my life has a habit of leaving me. And even though we haven't known each other for that long I truly just needed someone there. Maybe I just have too much going on.

I am instead making plans to see my mother tomorrow. I know I am sad because I am mad at her but more because I am going to miss her so much and I should try to spend as much time with her as I can before she leaves again.

[normalestgirlblog]

This is truly the most anxious I have felt in the last nine months of my life. I need to take three calm pills and chill the fuck out. I just don't think that this whole thing with the boy is working and I fear I may be too anxious to be in a relationship or even anything where it is more serious than just fucking. I think its not working because of me and that's the part that pisses me off the most. I am constantly thinking about him with other girls and this has never happened to me before. With the other situationship I never thought he was talking to or even remotely fucking anyone else, maybe because we literally texted at least once every hour and were in constant contact. Despite him being a freak + slut, I was never insecure.

I am so insecure about our relationship, him not responding, and just in general I do not feel as though he likes me as much as I like him. Like i find myself right now while I'm in class because now that I have participated I feel that it is kind of appropriate to check out and let other people talk. I am trying to think about fascism but I am just thinking about him. i don't even need to have sex with him i just want to hang out, do work, eat, watch something, sit next to each other in silence. i don't have high expectations, i want to do boring stuff. i want to do fun stuff sometimes as well, but i like simple stuff. going on walks, spending time in nature, i feel like we never have time to hang out and its driving me insane. or also that he doesn't prioritize me, not that I think i prioritize him, like if he's available i will jump on that opportunity, but he isn't like actively carving out time. in the same way that i might be. i fear.

i dont need a relationship, i think one would be fine. but i also wouldn't mind just hanging out a lot and kissing and fucking and being cute and doing stuff together. idc abt anything else.

[normalestgirlblog]

i think I really have to work out my attachment issues

not only in romantic relationships but those especially

either i’m a paranoid freak or no one likes me and everyone hates me and everyone is just lying to me about how much they care about or if they care about me at all

if i am not constantly around someone i will automatically think they hate me or forget about them to the point that when i remember i will be like omg they fucking hate me

i just think i need to be secure in my relationships

i was always confused why i am so secure with myself but insecure with my relationships like i figured the two would go hand in hand

but if i actually stop believing everyone will leave me who would i be that’s the single motivating factor of my life

also i keep having the most vivid dream that my dad is dead like not seeing him actually die he’s just dead and i have to do all the things like pre funeral like prepare the body and casket cancel his credit cards shit like that and i keep thinking hes never gonna see me graduate college get married have kids and it makes me so fucking depressed and then i wake up and have to ground myself and be like girl your dad is alive 😭

[normalestgirlblog]

im beginning to realize that my behavior and emotions are intrinsically linked to a specific kind of social anxiety that i haven’t felt in so long

like truly being back here is making me act like a crazy person who has no control over her actions and words and i feel that might be affecting the people around me

i really don’t want to screw it up with this boy and i feel like i almost did last night because i was so anxious about something completely unrelated to him

i gotta get some calm pills take some ashwaganda and chill tf out

my chill girl study abroad phase has officially ended im back to being my anxious neurotic self and it feels so comfortable but at the same time so awful like im so pissed off rn i thought this was over

[normalestgirlblog]

resisting the urge to text everyone i know and ask them if they hate me

so serious

i feel like nobody likes me or cares about me

wow am i depressed or just stupid or just anxious or just annoyed

i literally cannot tell

my toxic trait is that i think everyone hates me at all times

ew i hate saying toxic trait i would delete it but i am being my authentic self

my authentic self also cringes at what i say constantly and regrets every thought and word that comes out of my brain

i just think nobody forgives me for going abroad, for doing anything that didn't align with their expectations of me

and i cant regret going abroad even if i tried, which I'm not it was good for me, i know i can thrive out of my comfort zone, I'm a functioning person semi but i rely on others a lot

maybe i think too much about others ( i am so selfless) and their opinions about me. i used to not really be too conscious of this but right now I'm feeling aggressively self concious.

what is it about this school that brings out a side in me that i hate and makes me so uncomfortable in my own skin and also makes me hate everyone and myself

this is actually a mental institution

[normalestgirlblog]

i love videos of cars driving in like the woods and grass and just fucking shit up

[normalestgirlblog]

also can we talk about wtf it’s like being a senior

who hates men

and doesn’t want to go to bars

likr WTF DO I DO WITH MYSELF 😭😭😭

i don’t even like drinking that much

i’ve got a boy who’s dtf but like he’s busy this weekend so a girl needs to figure out something to do stat

i could text people who might be problematic to trxt but idgaf i’m bored as hell and all my friends pissing me off

[normalestgirlblog]

why is everyone and everything so lame like wtf happened

[normalestgirlblog]

so being back at this school is fun exciting feels like home etc

however

i am starting to see patterns in behavior that are more apparent when i am with people vs when i was abroad and only had relationships with people over text and call

and lowkey it’s pissing me off

it’s hard to explain because it’s very specific towards histories of friendships

but i feel like ive been living in this fantasy world and completely forgot that most of the time people piss me off. ok wow not most of the time but like kind of.

idk it’s not like i’m perfect or anything ( i am) but there are just things that really irk me about the people i am friends with and i totally forgot bc we haven’t spent any time together since december.

and now it’s like i’m being thrust into all this like petty bullshit and also just strictly unhealthy behavior that is making me miss abroad so much.

like the first couple of days were so idyllic and now i’m just like oh u bitches are crazyyy and i totally forgot

but i’m just gonna focus on myself step my bag up get my pussy ate and vibe that’s all a girl can really do

[normalestgirlblog]

lowkey i am not a good friend nor a good person

[normalestgirlblog]

im the blonde hoe on the right

do i look like my grandma please say yes

shes such a looker

[normalestgirlblog]

do i look like my grandma please say yes

shes such a looker

[normalestgirlblog]

my friend just got on ozsmpjx and idk how to be supportive

she says she is unhealthy and it’s for her health but i can’t imagine how injecting basically insulin into a non diabetic can be helpful

maybe i’m wrong and i haven’t done enough research on it

i think she is perfect and i wouldn’t want to change a single thing about her

maybe i need to just let her do what she wants to do and what her doctor prescribes and mind my own business

but i’m so mad abt this ozempic craze all of the good things in life are being taken from me

obviously this is about me and no one else

[normalestgirlblog]

Very different and unique types of cunt present in this image. I'm obsessed

the top left Peter is clearly the gay receptionist everyone hates, he watches TikTok at work with no headphones, and makes ig reels grwms

Middle right Lois is a depop reseller who owns an instagram brand selling made in china jewelry.

She lies that her vape isn't charged when people ask to hit it due to her lack of sharing kindness.

Definitely the type of beautiful girl u meet in the city who's live is a modern horror.

Bottom left Joe is the most evocative to me, she serves drunk girl outside of a mid house party. She's reflective and disheveled but still the prettiest girl at the entire event. You just wanna offer her a cigarette.

Bottom right Peter is from Portland. He was heavily involved in the graffiti / pill scene as a teen. He rebranded after getting on testosterone to focus on her true passion (cheating in poly relationships and abusing his housemates)

[normalestgirlblog]

issue

I am running into a bit of an issue

as those who read my blog which is few know i have embarked upon a long distance situationship with a boy who i have had a thing for for quite some time. i am really happy, and he is really sweet, and i think that when we are no longer long distance it could be something good.

however

i am running into a bit of an issue regarding his past dalliances. he had an alcohol fueled one night stand with one of my best friends in the entire world. and this is no ordinary best friend. she is perhaps one of the most beautiful creatures to ever walk upon the earth and grace its presence. the first time i saw her, i was so taken by her beauty and smile and spirit i stg i fell in love at first sight and knew i had to make her mine in whatever capacity she allowed. we became instantaneous friends freshman year and have been by eachothers side ever since. i was by her side the night we both met him and she went home with him. i was also taken by him as was she, but i could see that they were the ones fucking that night. plus i was fucking wasteddddd as was she, and him. and honestly when im wasted fucking is the last thing on my mind so even if she werent there idk if i would have successfully put on the moves.

anyways

as he and i are beginning to know eachother better, i find myself at odds with my brain. we have already dicussed him and elizabeth, and i asked her well before i began talking to him if she cared or minded that i wanted to pursue something with him, to which she said she didnt. he also didnt have any qualms about it other than feeling bad that it was a one night stand and he didnt pursue her following.

i think it may also be worth it to mention that i have been in this situation before. my former situationship had sex with my cousin, which was ultimately the reason why we had sex, and my cousin is also one of the most beautiful people to walk this earth. i tried not to let it bother me when he and i began getting more serious, but i could not get out of my mind that he had sex with someone i both love and someone so incredibly breathtaking its annoying. i didnt like that he followed them, i didnt like that they mentioned how they hooked up. but i didnt let it affect me to the point that i broke up with him or stopped talking to them or anything bad. i just kinda suppressed it

i am surrounded by beauty and it is so amazing and yet fueling my deepest insecurities. i am no stranger to this, i have known all my life that my friends were more desirable than i. its not a bad thing, i think all my friends are beautiful and deserve all the appreciation in the world. at times though, i have found it can make me insecure.

anyways back to the boy. i have wanted to send him pictures where i look good, or just memories, but she is in them. and she is so stunning its nauseating. i cant bring myself to send them. what if he saw it, realized how beautiful she was, and used me to get back to her. or just ended it with me outright bc he couldnt be with me while im so close to her. idk why my mind goes to these places. i cant help it. its also 5 am and i havent been able to sleep.

also i feel weird talking to her abt it, but i love talking to her about boys. its one of my favorite hobbies. and yet i feel awkward esp rn considering out of the two of us currently she is the only one to have seen his penis.

maybe this is also because he met us both and had sex with her and doesnt even remember meeting me. maybe she is prettier than i am. i wouldnt doubt for a second she is more memorable than i am. i thought abt her for a whole week after we barely met. and now i dont even want to talk to either of them.

idk why i keep doing this to myself and hooking up with people that have hooked up with my friends. i try so hard to be secure and confident and i dont know if i can make it past this one. i am really scared but atp i def have feelings for him. im just gonna ball it out and hope for the best and repress these feelings until i am alone and can express them on here.

[normalestgirlblog]