normalestgirlblog

[normalestgirlblog]

thankstaking

I feel myself disassociating with everything around me

I can barely look my dads girlfriend in the eye

I can barely look my dad in the eye

my family is driving me insane and I don't feel like I belong here at all

the only normalcy I have right now is my brother

I just don't know what to do

and everyone keeps asking me what im doing for Christmas its like I want to be literally anywhere but here

I don't want to be at my grandmas I don't want to be here I don't want to be in this state

I wish I could stay at school for break that would be perfection but alas

I just feel like I don't have any place to go

and also I don't have anyone to talk to this about with

which sounds sad but nobody would understand

its not that I don't have people who are close to me and who I love and who love me

I mean I could probably tell them I just don't want to bother them with my melodramatic bullshit

I don't know how to fix myself or get better or be normal

all in all I am not doing well and I just want to see my dog

friends are fine

guys are definitely something right now

how do I get this guy to leave me alone challenge and how do I get the other one to love me challenge

this is gonna go down as one of the worst thanksgivings but honestly nothing can really beat last year so

or the year before that

wow I totally blocked that semester out I was also high half the time so that might be a part of it and had mono

I can definitely sense I am giving off horrible vibes and being kind of bitchy but I don't know what else to do I feel so out of whack and uneasy with all of this and I thought it would be really normal going into it but im realizing its not and It sucks and I am not handling it as well as I thought I would. I don't like her living with us and I miss my mom and I am being confronted with all the things I have been able to avoid at school.

ok maybe I am starting to piece this together

tomorrow I am going to be happy and kind and happy and kind and happy and kind and happy and kind and suppress and happy and kind and suppress

maybe tara is right about therapy but im not touching that

[normalestgirlblog]

STOP THE COUNT!!!!!!

[normalestgirlblog]

sooooo

maybe i was going a little crazy

he texted back and for some reason i feel very normal all of the sudden

maybe we should clarify where we stand because if it is possible that he’s seeing someone else and I think that every time he goes ghost that cannot be healthy

ugh

i’m just gonna ghost him and try again with someone else

i don’t even know if i want to be in a relationship, like i just would kill myself if he was banging another bitch

[normalestgirlblog]

not that it matters anyway he hasn’t responded to me in almost 24 hours

baller

should i fucking die

[normalestgirlblog]

guys it’s joever

i have made a decision

since i have no right to tell him that i don’t want him to hook up with other people

but also i don’t feel comfortable having sex with no condom while he may or may not be having sex with other people

and also if he is hooking up with someone else then i’d break up with him and be sad because i opened that can of worms voluntarily

but also i think if i am doing this thing where i respect myself i cant go on like this

since i don’t like either option i think because i would rather not ever know because it would hurt i think i should just ghost him

try again next time

cool

let’s see if i actually do it

[normalestgirlblog]

i am not jealous

i am not jealous

i am not jealous

i don’t think he’s seeing other people

i don’t think he’s seeing other people

i don’t think he’s seeing other people

i don’t think he’s seeing other people

i am not jealous of some girl

i am not jealous of some girl

i am not jealous of some girl

i am not jealous of some girl

should i text him and be like we need to talk

freak him out

[normalestgirlblog]

i am feeling more insane than usual

i am also feeling so exhausted and everyday i pump my body with so much caffeine that i fear my heart will take issue. and every morning i wake up exhausted and i come

back and i’m exhausted and i go to sleep and im exhausted

and every time i try to go to sleep someone comes to my room or someone calls me and everyone thinks that my space is their space and usually im a fan

i love people in my room

i love people depending on me

but i fear i am being taken for granted

just a little bit

not granted but as a fixture of use that people don’t recognize because it is subconscious

like people sitting on my bed without asking with their shoes on

which i personally can’t comprehend

people walking on my rug with shoes on

when my love doesn’t feel reciprocated i start to go crazy

i think i just need to detach from everyone and have a night to myself

especially after this election fuck ass bullshit that everyone keeps talking about but doesn’t know anything about

which isn’t like a phenomenon isolated to the people i know i would argue they are more knowledgeable about this than most but they still don’t know enough to be saying the things they are saying

maybe i’m being elitist as someone who studies politics but either way i kind of just can’t hear it

also let me do the politics you guys do whatever you want to you can be angry you can be upset you can try to heal but you can’t make claims about why or why not things happened when you don’t know

and don’t understand the political institutions and neoliberal world that we live in and that democrats love so much

and the anti establishment anti status quo party that the trump republicans have created that is now the party of change

they do not understand why people are voting against their best interests and make claims about uneducated and stupidity that are not fair and are not helpful

republicans and moderates as much as democrats are dissatisfied with the state of the country in different ways for instance white people do not like being told they are racist for existing and their existence is a plague upon the earth. they do not want to feel guilty the way that liberals are pushing this narrative. they are wrong, they should feel guilty and acknowledge the devastation that white people and racism have wrought upon this world. they should acknowledge that they are inherently racist and they need to change their implicit biases and racist behaviors. but why would they like being told that, and why wouldn’t they side with the party that is instead appealing to their worst behavior and saying hey the liberal elites hate you and think you are racist you should side with us. And either that appeals to people who don’t think they are racist and don’t want to be called racist, or it also appeals to racists who are racist and are fine with it but don’t like democrats anyway. So yeah you are going to get a majority of uneducated white people with that messaging. Plus Bidens presidency was a failure, and everyone thinks the economy is the worst it’s ever been (it’s not) but people do think they are doing worse under Biden than under Trump. Whether or not that is true does not matter. I think people have to understand that actual hard facts do not matter in this presidential election and even in past ones. people’s perception and partisanship and beliefs and objective reality and community and social groups all work together to create a vote.

i took a break to actually do work at work and i forgot what i was saying but i am sure i was going somewhere

[normalestgirlblog]

The problem is that America has beaten down its people for decades and gotten them weak and desperate and now promises a way out, a way to transcend and rise above, through selling out their fellow man. They encourage contempt and hatred as one way ticket to not being included with the masses being death marched to poverty or imprisonment or whatever other bitter end surely awaits the people they’re told are beneath them. An embarrassingly large chunk of white men are just straight up nazis these days as a way to dissociate from the rest of the carnage around them, even if they’re broke and uneducated and from an impoverished background themselves. They’ll vote for and align themselves with anything for a taste of power and control that makes them feel a little less helpless. The same goes for minorities. They’ll punch down if they think it’ll get them somewhere, even if in reality they’re punching sideways. I don’t know what else to say, really. Everybody is so incredibly hateful. We are a loveless, disrespectful nation. We are so spread thin by our government that we would sell each other out in a heartbeat for an ounce of relief. This is what we’ve come to.

It’s not even about Trump at this point. He’s gonna get in office and do whatever he does and it’s gonna be a mess but whatever. This is indicative of deeper problem. This is just the ugly consequence of the already present reality in this country that we all just despise each other. There is no solidarity and there is no love. Trump being in office or not doesn’t change the fact that America is a breeding ground for violent hatred. Trump has given people a shining example of how to give in to the worst parts of your human nature and make it the problem of everyone around them. I don’t even know what we’re supposed to do about that. I don’t know if that’s something we can come back from. And if anything COULD be done about it, Trump certainly wouldn’t do it. Honestly, Kamala probably wouldn’t have either. We are so deeply fucked.

However, I must say, if you voted for Trump, I hope that peace never finds you. Instead, I hope clarity strikes you someday like a clap of lightning and you have to live the rest of your life with the knowledge and guilt of what you’ve done and who you are as a person.

Love yall. Shit is so bleak but the world keeps spinning until it doesn’t, I guess. We can’t count on the government for literally even a shred of progress or hope so just keep up the good fight in your own personal lives. That’s literally the only thing to be done at this point. Stay safe out there. Maybe buy a gun.

[normalestgirlblog]

November 4th part I have no idea

It is currently 4:09 PM on Sunday evening Nov 3rd

I have not started either papers due tomorrow

I am almost finished with one pset, about to start another

I did my research for my project, but I am not sure if I got everything

I have taken 15 mg of adder all and will take 5 more in like 2 hours, and I will accomplish everything

It is not joever

if I can accomplish this feat, Harris can win the election

not that I am that excited but better her than him

also I am predicting she is winning the election so hopefully I am right

anyways not the point

the point is I havent had sex in so long and if I don't have sex after this weekend I am going to be pissed

[normalestgirlblog]

November 4th Part 3

It is 10:17 AM on October 31

I am dressed up as Ethel Cain and nobody gets it.

I finished the quiz

and the assignment

didn't do the reading

but its fine

we can't win every battle

[normalestgirlblog]

November 4th part 2

Happy Halloween Bitches!

It is currently 12:26 AM on October 31

I have finished the quiz due tomorrow with the exception of the last part of the last problem

I have finished the assignment due tomorrow with the exception of the last part of the last problem

I am doing my readings to calm down and I think I should give up and go to sleep for my mental health

so that is what I am going to do

goodnight everyone

stay spooky

[normalestgirlblog]

November 4th part 1

Right now it is October 30th at 1:37 PM

I understand that I have not been active on this platform. Obviously no one really cares, but this is the busiest semester I have had in my life. Time is moving so quickly, it is taking me hours to accomplish one thing.

I have a mountain of things to accomplish before November 4th. Let me list them:

Tomorrow my assignment for statistics is due at midnight

Also tomorrow my quiz is due at 5pm, but it hasn't opened yet so I will worry about that in 4 hours

I also want to be prepared for a class discussion tomorrow so that will take at least an hour

I need to organize a costume for tomorrow, obviously this is not school work but it is important for some reason

I need to email a few people to set up a time to have discussions with alums because my dumbass is graduating and I have no job prospects

I need to finish all of my article analysis project by Monday so I have to probably go through 30 articles

I have one paper due Monday about the Alaska congressional election that I am knowledgable about but have not written anything

I have another paper due Monday where I have to predict the presidential election, which I have predicted as Harris but I think I might write that Trump wins because I feel like I could prove that perhaps a little bit more. Actually, I will write about Harris, and create a convincing argument

I had a problem set due this past Monday that I did not do nor have I looked at it and it is also due Monday

I also have a second problem set due Monday, both of which will take me multiple hours

I am so fucked

Either way, I am so clearly boned but will be updating this account on how I am doing mentally, physically, emotionally, and what I have accomplished.

There is this thing about me, where no matter what I get my shit in time and it's usually pretty good. The next five days will be a series of challenges, fueled by caffeine, perhaps other stimulants, and at the end of it I will be a different person. Also I am planning on blacking out tomorrow so that will take up some time. Happy Halloween, this is the scariest nightmare horror movie shit that has ever happened to me and I will be tested. My strength of character and perseverance will be put on display, I am both excited and nervous. I will not be hanging out with anyone, unless I am drinking. This will be a test of nicotine, caffeine, will power, magnitude of motivation. I am just a girl. I will be updating.

[normalestgirlblog]

wow such a bad week

hearing horrible things on all ends

I just want peace

why can’t i have peace

why won’t anyone let me be peaceful

i’m such a sweet girl and a pacifist

i want peace for myself and i guess others can have it too

[normalestgirlblog]

My mother part 1 of probably a few

I genuinely have no one to talk about this with and it doesn't make sense if I talk about it in person because I will never be able to articulate this in a way that makes any sense.

There is something so isolating about family shit, because no one can really understand the dynamics and how fucking messy it is because they are not in your family.

Not that anyone I know cares enough to even fucking ask me how I'm doing or try to talk about it with me. Maybe that's my fault because sometimes I just shut down or try to avoid the topic, but it just feels like no one even wants to touch it, because they cant even understand it.

My best friends really get it, but I don't want to bog them down with my misery especially when they are so far away. The people around me I just don't feel like any comfort, I feel like I'm being attacked constantly by things that are potentially in my control but are so far away from what I actually care or think about. Its just so exhausting having to be everyone's person and never being good enough, and simultaneously nobody putting in the same effort for me.

Maybe I am just on my period. Maybe I am just experiencing high levels of anxiety which is triggering some sort of depression bullshit that I am not loving. Maybe I just don't have a vape. Or maybe everything is constantly working against me. I can barely do my work, I overthink what I eat. I feel sick and full and starving and fine all at once. I am having sex but even that isn't distracting me from all this bullshit. Especially now that he's pulling away like very significantly.

I dont know what to do about it. I wish he would just fucking end it instead of doing this bullshit like not responding fast enough not making plans anymore like I just don't get it. I really fucking liked this guy, and I thought he liked me. I am just so confused and I don't understand what I did wrong. Not that I really want to know, I would just rather be alone and not know. Maybe I should just be alone, focus on my bag, focus on myself. Maybe I should just be like al, and be a constant bitch to everyone and only hang out with my boyfriend. It would be nice to have a boyfriend to hang out with but fuck it men and women fuck all of you you are all wasting my time with nonsense. Fucking is fun, but its overrated.

I am gonna drink a lot tonight by myself which is so my high school depression era of me but it feels right.

I wish my mom would stick around longer. Maybe I am being selfish, but we were just starting to repair our relationship. Through writing this whole thing this is the only part that is starting to make me cry. I love her so much, and its been so hard for the past two years and I just want her to be around. Shes leaving in a week. I don't know when I will see her again. I want her to be happy but I also want her near. Shes one of my best friends, and I have just started truly letting her into my life. And now my dad is moving to DC at the end of May and I am graduating and everything is changing and I just want to vomit and stay the same. I don't know where I am going to live. I don't know who I am going to be. I don't want to keep second guessing myself. I think I should just move west and start over truly and ghost everyone my family, friends, and just be alone. I think it might fix me. I think something is broken and I am not exactly sure what it is. I think I care about things too much, especially about things that are not important.

I hate him, and I hate her and I hate everyone and I love everyone and everything. But most of all I think I just hate myself.

He finally texted after not responding all day. I know I shouldn't be mad or upset because I am sure he has things going on but this kind of couldn't have come at a worse time for me. And I know we don't know each other that well but since we have been talking I have come to depend on him in a way that I know is too soon and too much but that is who i am. I have never been casual about anything in my life. Everyone who I chose to let in I need them to be there, I want them to be there. I don't think I can respond. I literally have nothing to say, what can I say. My life is horrible and shitty and I was holding so tightly onto you because everyone else in my life has a habit of leaving me. And even though we haven't known each other for that long I truly just needed someone there. Maybe I just have too much going on.

I am instead making plans to see my mother tomorrow. I know I am sad because I am mad at her but more because I am going to miss her so much and I should try to spend as much time with her as I can before she leaves again.

[normalestgirlblog]

This is truly the most anxious I have felt in the last nine months of my life. I need to take three calm pills and chill the fuck out. I just don't think that this whole thing with the boy is working and I fear I may be too anxious to be in a relationship or even anything where it is more serious than just fucking. I think its not working because of me and that's the part that pisses me off the most. I am constantly thinking about him with other girls and this has never happened to me before. With the other situationship I never thought he was talking to or even remotely fucking anyone else, maybe because we literally texted at least once every hour and were in constant contact. Despite him being a freak + slut, I was never insecure.

I am so insecure about our relationship, him not responding, and just in general I do not feel as though he likes me as much as I like him. Like i find myself right now while I'm in class because now that I have participated I feel that it is kind of appropriate to check out and let other people talk. I am trying to think about fascism but I am just thinking about him. i don't even need to have sex with him i just want to hang out, do work, eat, watch something, sit next to each other in silence. i don't have high expectations, i want to do boring stuff. i want to do fun stuff sometimes as well, but i like simple stuff. going on walks, spending time in nature, i feel like we never have time to hang out and its driving me insane. or also that he doesn't prioritize me, not that I think i prioritize him, like if he's available i will jump on that opportunity, but he isn't like actively carving out time. in the same way that i might be. i fear.

i dont need a relationship, i think one would be fine. but i also wouldn't mind just hanging out a lot and kissing and fucking and being cute and doing stuff together. idc abt anything else.

[normalestgirlblog]

i think I really have to work out my attachment issues

not only in romantic relationships but those especially

either i’m a paranoid freak or no one likes me and everyone hates me and everyone is just lying to me about how much they care about or if they care about me at all

if i am not constantly around someone i will automatically think they hate me or forget about them to the point that when i remember i will be like omg they fucking hate me

i just think i need to be secure in my relationships

i was always confused why i am so secure with myself but insecure with my relationships like i figured the two would go hand in hand

but if i actually stop believing everyone will leave me who would i be that’s the single motivating factor of my life

also i keep having the most vivid dream that my dad is dead like not seeing him actually die he’s just dead and i have to do all the things like pre funeral like prepare the body and casket cancel his credit cards shit like that and i keep thinking hes never gonna see me graduate college get married have kids and it makes me so fucking depressed and then i wake up and have to ground myself and be like girl your dad is alive 😭

[normalestgirlblog]

im beginning to realize that my behavior and emotions are intrinsically linked to a specific kind of social anxiety that i haven’t felt in so long

like truly being back here is making me act like a crazy person who has no control over her actions and words and i feel that might be affecting the people around me

i really don’t want to screw it up with this boy and i feel like i almost did last night because i was so anxious about something completely unrelated to him

i gotta get some calm pills take some ashwaganda and chill tf out

my chill girl study abroad phase has officially ended im back to being my anxious neurotic self and it feels so comfortable but at the same time so awful like im so pissed off rn i thought this was over