#its lovely being sick and stressing about work and money

[outlawwolfe]

I have been sick for well over a week now. Even the antibiotic doesn't seem to be helping much. I am so exhausted and stressed.

[yanderefarm]

yandere crime lord introduction

cw;; torture, violence, yandere things, nsft

he's finally here. please feast your eyes on him. pretty boy. im amazed at how the three of them really do look like brothers. i was having a really hard time with his hair when i finally to give him curly hair like his brother and its such a good choice. ajax has some curl to his hair too so they all look related.

achilles is the eldest brother of ares and ajax. he's 35 years old.

he has a nicotine addiction and he goes through a pack a week. quitting is more stressful than it's worth so he hasn't tried.

he stays in touch with his brothers. ares more so because ares calls him to hide bodies frequently.

he isn't head of the family yet, he works right under his father and he has a lot of the same power and responsibilities.

he hates violence and as a young boy he was even more soft spoken and didn't want to hurt anyone. now he has no choice and that adds to his stress.

his whole life he's been compared to ares because he's so much softer than his more aggressive brother. this caused him to really develop a complex where he's always thinking about how much better ares would be at everything he tries and then he starts to stress that people will realize that he's just faking being tough and masculine.

he's known since he was young that he likes men but he doesn't want to risk anymore more evidence against him.

he doesn't have time for relationships or a personal life. his routine is basically work, stress, eat, sleep.

this only changes when he's with you. suddenly he doesn't have to stop and remember to eat. he doesn't have to hurt anyone or be threatening. there's no fear of being exposed with you.

his routine with you is torture, eat, get taken care of, sleep.

at first it was horrible, of course it would be. he spent every day just praying he survived. but one day you weren't torturing him, instead you just let him sit in the same room as you.

for the first time he didn't have to be scared or worry about survival and he was certain all his stress would come back to him. but he realized there was no point in stressing; you would kill him sooner rather than later so he could just comfortably be himself.

he started to get closer to you then forming some kind of strange domesticity. he even found himself enjoying the pain, the horrible pain you would inflict would empty his mind of everything but you.

and then you would patch and clean his wounds so gently. you would always tell him when it was about to sting like you hadn't been putting out cigarettes on his chest an hour ago.

he fell in love with you in the 2 and a half months he spent as your captive. it was nice to love someone so deeply before he died.

and then you told him he could leave. he was confused, upset, confused why he was upset. he wondered if maybe you had found out that your victim had developed a sick affection for you and you were so disgusted with him.

he never understood his younger brother's feelings and possessiveness towards everything. he didn't understand how his brother could claim to love something so deeply that he feels compelled to break it. but when you told him he could go he suddenly understood everything.

it was like something in his mind finally clicked into place and he knew he couldn't let you throw him away. he knew he didn't have any power over you but if he could find something you wanted he could force you to let him stay.

he eventually becomes a pay pig for you. he knows that you're willing to do extreme things for money but he usually just pays to go on dates or for kisses.

he calls you a lot whenever work becomes overwhelming. if you don't answer the phone he'll light up a cigarette instead.

everyone thinks he has a girlfriend and he's some dominant guy who's suddenly whipped for a pretty little girl. they don't know he's the wife.

he loves mascot characters. he really loves cute or ugly cute things. he has a cute phone charm he got from ares and it's the only cute thing he allows himself to own. he can use it being his brother's gift as a good excuse to keep it.

ares knows his real personality while ajax still thinks he's a cool stoic older brother

he is very stoic and he can come off pretty intimidating. he'll accidentally glare at people sometimes because he's just lost in thought and worrying about something.

he only smiles when he's with you. whether you're out on a date or he's getting sewn up he'll have a soft little smile on his face.

if you ever tried to abandon him he would use every resource at his disposal to find you. even if he has to be the one to lock you up he won't let you leave.

he's surprisingly clingy in public. he doesn't do much pda but he'll hold your hand the whole time. if anyone looks at you he'll squeeze your hand and pull you a little closer to himself.

surprisingly it actually takes him a little bit to come around to the idea of bringing sex into things. even longer to convince him that he'd probably enjoy sex more if there was a pain aspect.

now he gets turned on as soon as you press that piece of duct tape over his mouth. he's a complete degenerate.

he loves being degraded. nothing is more exciting than when he calls you at work stressed out and you mock his whole crime lord attitude.

never worry about being too mean to him. he will beg you to make him cry.

he got the family sex = love belief. however because of his work with prostitutes he finds love to be cheap. he didn't think he would ever fall in love until his obsession with you formed.

he also inherited the family forced fem kink. he particularly likes to wear frilly lingerie under his suits while at work. he always sends you a picture of his underwear in the morning.

he over hears someone talking about how much they love calling their wife, wife. so he asks you to call him wife once and it immediately gets him hard. he's a blushing mess about it. .

quiet in bed. when hes not screaming in pain. he just gasps and whimpers at your touch.

he has a desperate need to praise you. like a praise kink but on the giving side. he wants to kiss every inch of your skin and tell you how grateful he is for you.

he doesn't say i love you a lot but when he does it's during sex. especially after edging him.

any kinks you want to try on him he is down to do at least once.

[secriden]

i've been thinking and thinking about the significance of the sunflowers parapai sends sky after their first face-to-face meeting post-one night stand and it suddenly hit me why it made such an impact on sky.

prior to this point, sky's attracted to prapai, no question about it. the physical attraction is there pretty much as soon as they lay eyes on each other. even at their one night stand, regardless of the reasons why (tbh my read was that sky wanted it in the moment to feel like he had a way to wrest control over (a) his own body and (b) the situation), sky at least physically seemed to enjoy himself. but its the lack of emotional connection, after the endorphin rush is over, that makes him feel like crap, makes him second-guess his worth and leave feeling used and hallow (and boy oh boy does peat manage to show that so well - he's so so good at wounded).

but then prapai comes back 3 months later, teasing and playful and flirty and still so attractive. sky recognises his own attraction (his self-talky bits are cute but they break my heart), but the one night stand was good enough physically for him to know he doesn't want just that. he doesn't just want to just feel physically good. and he's stuck in the thought that he can never have anything more.

when prapai tells him he's going to pursue him in sky's dorm lobby, he's startled but not shaken. he goes up to his room, essentially tells himself to get out of fantasy land, peeks out the window - but he still fundamentally doesn't engage with the idea that there could be anything real between them.

but the sunflowers and "remember that this wind's watching over the sky". it's protection; its safety.

sky's visibly shaken (peat, oh peat, the vulnerability you managed to convey) and i think this is probably the first time prapai actually manages to get a little bit past the wall sky's already put up between them. and prapai's such a flirty idiot i 100% think he didn't have a clue what he was saying, really. he just thought he was being clever with the unusual flower choice and playing with their names, but in a way that's what makes prapai so perfect for sky.

he's... well, guileless. he's almost accidentally exactly what sky needs to even consider falling in love after everything that happened to him. there's something very clumsy about the charm prapai has and i suspect it's because he's never really had to work to charm anyone before - his looks, money, and status do most of the heavy lifting for him. the fact that he isn't an absolute jerk is pretty much enough for most to be pulled into his orbit. but this works so well for sky because i think someone more suave and actually adapt at wordplay/flirting would have made him run for the hills, because it would have come across as manipulation given his trauma. but prapai is so bad at it (prapai: 'if you don't try it, how do you know?' sky: you absolute fucking idiot did you forget how we met?) that it actually sounds genuine. it makes it safe.

fuck, safety. i feel like it's something everyone wants on some level, but when you've gone through something like that... something where you're betrayed on such a fundamental level by someone you trust, safety becomes the core of what you need. i can deal with hunger, with pain, with loneliness, with being overworked, with being called names or scolded by others - as long as i can maintain that safety. and for sky, that safety always came when he was in his own hands. the only one he could trust with his safety was himself (even as a child, he had no one; alone in Bangkok with a mother who left and a father who cared but was too far away). its why sky isolates; why he'll help his classmates but never ask for help; why he takes the bullying som dishes out without a word.

then prapai comes in and takes care of him when he's sick. his safety is outside of his hands - terrifying. but... also such a relief. i cannot stress how much this was exactly what sky needed. if rain had taken care of him, he would've kicked rain out the second he became conscious. rain doesn't have the backbone/will/character to force the issue. but what prapai did was prioritise sky's safety (health) and for the first time in years, it didn't have to be in his own hands...

(prapai then goes on to makes a lot of other accidentally good choices - comes to Last Cheer and gives him medicine, a place to rest his head, and a quiet space so he can do what he wants (stay to the end, not worry his friends). care, offered at sky's terms. even the bits where prapai's a visibly horny idiot, nearly edging past sky's boundaries but not is counterintuitively perfect because sky sees that prapai's going against what he wants to make sure sky's expressed boundaries are honoured and sees how it costs him something - but, also, i think that speaks more to (a) prapai's growth as a character now that he has a focus that goes beyond the instant gratification of physical release and (b) mame knows her characters and prapai is built to be perfect for sky. honestly most of the skill in writing prapai was the change was gradual enough to be believable in the context of this world. but i digress.)

i just... really adore what prapai did for sky here. like, utter relief that comes from having someone take care of you when you've had to take care of yourself for so long. like a heavy burden suddenly rolling off. and the sunflowers are cheesy but they're the first real hint that this is what's going to make prapai succeed with sky. its not (just) that he's attractive and persistent - that wouldn't have been enough ultimately. (for eg. had phayu pursued sky, he would've also been attractive and persistent but boy would sky have run for the hills with that kind of pursuit. phayu's hot but the manipulation in how he got rain... sometimes i'm baffled by this fandom's take on phayu vs prapai because it's always prapai that everyone calls shady/problematic when he's actually very transparent and honest with his intensions with sky vs the mind games phayu played with rain. i don't have an issue with it because of how rain's character's written - he needed a phayu to get past his internal hang ups - but still, baffling.)

but its how he continually offered to take on the burden of care from sky. so sky could finally actually address the other things he needed. sky didn't have the (physical OR emotional) bandwidth to even consider a relationship until prapai because no one was taking those things off his plate (feeding him, making sure he rests, making sure he took care of himself. like - even when prapai just reminds sky to take care of himself, that's taking some of that mental load off sky having to remember for himself).

honestly this is why when in the scene when sky opens the door to prapai when he's half asleep and then lets prapai feed him, and lets him put him to bed, undress and dress him (all things that would have triggered sky to hell before) - I actually believe it. i believe that sky feels safe around prapai because he's done nothing but actively, persistently offer that to sky over and over again by this point.

anyway, yes, i just really love the sunflower scene for how it gives us that first real glimpse as to why prapai really was perfect for sky.

[petiteprincesses]

Hello, again! Welcome back to Petite Princesses! With Princess Maker 2 Regeneration out (except for the PlayStation), I decided it’d be polite of me to create a basic guide to some of the simple parts! This one will be about everything from the starting menu!

Bear in mind that due to the change in localization (bless the Translators), I’ll refer to each stat by all 3 English names on first mention, but I’ll default to the latest translation from then on. As well, I’ll be using Centimeters and Kilometers for ease of reference. Furthermore, I’ll be using Refine for screenshots.

Here’s our basic screen, of which you can see many different things. I’ve labeled them accordingly, and I’ll speak of each tab in detail!

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CURRENT DATE: A Box where you can tell the day— the year is on top (1210), with the month (April 4) and the day of the week (Sunday) on the left, with the day of the month (the Fourth) on the right. The game starts on your daughters 10th birthday, and ends on her 18th (in our case, April 4th 1218)

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STAR: I didn’t label this myself, but the “Star” section on the right side info box is pretty important. Here, our daughter’s sign is Aries (Mars), and her blood type is B. Your star sign determines starting statistics and a +100 bonus from slaying a certain foe that I’ll mention later, while type influences passive stat increases. I’ll explain the exacts in another post someday, but for the impatient, googling Patrons on the Princess Maker Fandom Wiki should do the trick!

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ARM/WPN: This is her equipment! You can set it in the menu marked ITEM (the box with the sword, shield, and scroll). All equipment can be equipped at any point, and your armor is even visible during (non errantry) battles!

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STATUS: Here she will have her statuses— there are 3 in the game. Sick (Stress > Constitution/Stamina, represented by a Skull) lowers her HP in combat and can lead to her demise, Degrade (Stress > Morality or Faith, whatever is higher, represented by blue lightning) makes her less likely to work properly and risks being arrested (lowering your reputations) / wasting your money (happens mostly during free time but can occur during working hours), and Love (Triggered by an event when she’s 14 that requires her Charisma/Glamour stat to be the highest, represented by a Pink Heart) that lasts 3 months, makes her less likely to work, and lowers 3 of her hidden stats (Relationship with Father, Cube, and Prince— the last of which could be troublesome for getting the ending).

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HER MEASUREMENTS: This ones pretty simple— it’s her Height, Weight, and Three Sizes (Bust/Waist/Hips). In modern releases, it uses Centimeter/Kilograms, but in the original DOS en leak, its Inches and Pound. If she’s overweight, then she cannot wear certain clothes (all that aren’t the Siren Robes, Cotton Dress, or seasonal outfits). You can tell her weight by her sprite. As well, you can calculate her threshold by .95[height]-[Age + 87]. To get a rough idea, let’s punch in our daughter from earlier, Alice. At 146 centimeters, .95 x 146 is 138.7. Now, she’s 10, so 10 + 87 is 97. 138.7 - 97 is 41.7. Behold, she’ll turn overweight the second the “weight” bar is “41.70”, but if she’s at “41.69”, it’s fine. Though I am to assume rounding is in play!

(Do mind the different stats of her three sizes— I don’t have the original file, so I had to make a replacement with the necessary stats!)

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STATS: Brings up a Menu. For Clarity, below is the side bar from Regeneration. I will list the stats in order, with every name applicable in the order of DOS/Refine/Regen.

Constitution/Stamina: Determines your daughter’s HP. Needs at least 50 to be good at most jobs. Also determines your daughter’s health. Most easily raised by Farming. Likely to be Lowered by Dieting

Strength: A bonus to Attack: 8 points of Strength is equivalent to 1 attack point. Most easily raised by Farming. Likely to be Lowered by Salon.

Intelligence: Essentially, her MP. Needs at least 10 to cast a magic attack. Most easily raised by Science. Likely to be Lowered by Bar work

Refinement/Elegance: Not particularly important unless you’re doing a Ruling Queen run— in which case it needs to be 800. You may need this to get random proposals (which means money!) Most easily raised by Decorum, or if you’re cheap, Lucifon in the Desert. Likely to be Lowered by Farming, so it’ll be zero for a while

Charisma/Glamour: Usually important for special marriage endings. Can cause a few problems such as Attempted Sexual Assault, becoming someone’s Mistress (if it’s her highest stat, indicated by her different facial expression), and generally being asked out. Easily raised by Dance, if you’re cheap (again) Lucifon in the Desert, or the Sleazy/Illegal Bar if you’re willing to tank the stress.

Morality: Need at least 30 for a basic marriage ending. Can also play a part in rejecting the more gross offers she may encounter, as well as being able to stave off delinquency if it’s higher than Faith. If it’s your highest stat, you may encounter a deal that will sell all of it for Equivocal Gold. Easily raised by Church Work, or simply being born with Type A blood. Likely to be Lowered by the aforementioned demonic deals.

Faith: Staves off Delinquency if higher than Morality. It’s definitely a stat that exists. Easily raised by Church, which can also prevent the demon from showing up to eat her morals. Likely to be Lowered by Science.

Sin/Karma: If it’s over 100/250, she will get a Sin ending. If it’s 500 (along with some decent fighter/magic reputation), she will instantly become the Queen of Darkness by the end. You’ll likely get this by killing anything in Errantry, but other “Sinful” acts like the illegal bar and hunting animals will raise it too. Can be sold off for 100g per 10 points, or simply going to Church for work normally.

Sensitivity: It’ll let her see what’s usually “mythical”, such as Fairies and the such if she goes where they hang out. If it’s the highest, she’ll run away, lowering her reputations. Easily raised by Salon work, but can be raised in a multitude of fun ways.

Stress: This is mostly a problem early game. So long as it doesn’t exceed her Morality/Faith or stamina stats, she’s in the clear. It can go to Zero in certain events, such as witnessing Fairies, so if you plan right, Free Time doesn’t have to happen.

Combat Skill: Essentially, your Hit/Dodge rate. Essential for any adventurer, otherwise you’re unable to do ANYTHING! Easily raised by Fighting/Kung-fu classes, but the tempting Restaurant and Inn can lower it.

Attack: Exactly what it says. It determines your daughter’s attack stat. Separate from your strength, but both will result in your “total” attack. Easily raised by Fencing and most Swords. Difficult to lose.

Defense: A difficult stat to raise terribly high. Also exactly what it says on the tin. Can be gained consistently by second level Kung-Fu classes, but not terribly fast. Also, most armor increases it.

All of these skills will be boosted by the spirit Valkyria, first Skill, then Attack, then Defense. When you get to 400 Fighters Reputation, as well as 40 instances of Fencing, Kung-Fu, or Errantry, you’ll receive the Valkyria Sword— which is the second best sword in the game, with 25 attack, 10 defense, and 18 skill.

Magic Skill: Like Combat Skill, but for Magic. Easily raised by Magic Classes. Impossible to lose.

Magic Attack: Much like Attack, but for Magic. Unlike Attack, there isn’t another stat that also functions as an attack bonus, but Magic tends to be what most of the tougher bosses are weak to. Easily raised by Magic Classes.

Magic Defense: It’s like Defense, but easier to raise! In fact, there’s a few ways to raise it! Unfortunately, most things that can do Magic can’t hit you once you’re skilled enough, so this is mainly for Wendy. Can be raised by Theology or working at the Graveyard. Likely to be lowered at Science (but slowly)

All of these skills will be boosted by the sorceress Fay, first Magic Skill, then Magic Attack, then Magic Defense. When you get to 400 Magic Reputation, you’ll receive the Power Ring/Unrivaled Ring, letting you cast Magic without needing 11+ Intelligence. Unfortunately, you’ll have to waste a ton of money as this also requires 32 magic classes- which become Useless very fast. More importantly than that, if you do only Magic classes for a mont, she’ll come raise one of the Magic stats by 5. The stat she raises is of your choosing, so my recommendation Magic Attack.

Decorum: You need decorum to be able to speak to people at the palace. Easily(and for the most part, Only) raised by doing Decorum classes. Impossible to lose.

Art/Art Skill/Artistry: Impacts her Dance Contest score and determines what painting she’ll create in Art Class. For the record, if it’s the highest of the Housework/Social stats, the daughter will be locked into an Art based ending. Easily raised by… Painting Classes. Cannot be Lowered below 100 once you reach 100.

Conversation/Speech/Eloquence: Really only used for two characters at the castle. Only raised by Bar work. Impossible to lose.

All of these skills will be boosted by the demon Paimon, first Decorum, then Artistry, then Eloquence. When you get to 400 Social Reputation, as well as 64 instances of Painting, Dance, or Protocol, you’ll receive Perfume— which… attracts suitors. Which at the point you get it, you’ll already attract anyways.

Cooking: Very important for the Cooking contest. You will need at least 90+ to win, alongside high sensitivity.

Cleaning: An entirely useless stat. It only impacts your Housekeeping reputation.

Temperament/Personal/Temper: Solely important for the Queen. Likely to be lowered by Sinful Work.

All of these skills will be boosted by the spirit Domovoi, first Cooking, then Cleaning, then Temper. When you get to 400 House Reputation, as well as 120 instances of Housework, Bar work, or Restaurant work, you’ll receive the Perfect Flour— it guarantees a Cooking victory, but by the time you get it, you’ll be guaranteed to win anyways.

Fight Repuation: Derives from your “Combat” oriented stats. Can be raised further by winning fights with the sword, or a Dragon Fang. Serves as Morale if higher than Magic. Can be uniquely lowered by selling the “Royal Sword” I allude to.

Magic Repuation: Derives from your “Magic” oriented stats. Can be raised further by winning fights with Magic. Serves as Morale if higher than Fight.

Social Reputation: Derives from your “Social” oriented stats. Can be raised further by winning the Dance/Art contests. Can be uniquely lowered by talking to the Clown.

House Reputation: Derives from your “Housework” oriented stats. Can be raised further by winning the Cooking contest.

All reputations will be lowered by being arrested or running away from home.

But wait! There’s more!! Let’s bring up the Four Hidden stats!

Relationship with Father (called Father_love by Mad Eddy) is rather relevant- you can use it to scold her and dissuade her from things like delinquency and being a mistress. Easily raised by Vacations and just. Talking to her. Most likely to be lowered by Free Time (regardless of pocket money) and resting for the Harvest Festival. Needs to be 100 (along with some stats) to Marry Her.

Relationship with Cube (called Cube_love by Mad Eddy) is rather less relevant. Pretty much is only for the ending, where it needs to be 100. Can be conveniently raised by changing equipment on errantry- you can essentially spam it if you’re really into that.

Relationship with Prince (called Prince_love by Mad Eddy) is mostly just for the Ending, but this time it needs to be 96. Raised by 12 each time you meet him, so every January 31st must be spent with him.

All of them are subject to lower by 6 if she falls In Love.

Maternal Instinct is exactly what it says, Important for some endings (like Princess of Darkness for some reason). Raised by Babysitting and Tutoring. Lowered by Hunting (for. Some reason?)

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TALK: Lets you talk to your daughter. The Three option are Father-Daughter Chat/Father-Daughter talk, Pocket Money, and Scold/Lecture.

When you click Father-Daughter talk, you get 3 more options. How she is doing/Recent matters will prompt her to speak about, well, whatever she wants. Usually, it is about herself, such as her (in)ability to do art, or how she worries about her childrearing skills. After that is Her studies/About study, which is related to what you’ve been making her study— be it how she appreciates how Art brings people together, or how she’s the best magician ever. As for Other topics/Another topic, it’s known to have some weird conversations, usually relating to her body, sometimes relating to other things. As well, picking any option here will raise your internal “Relationship with Father” stat by 1– this is important for two things down the line.

Pocket Money is a lot less complicated, as it’s pretty straightforward. Essentially, you give your daughter 20 + 10x gold, with “X” being the second digit of her age. So, if your daughter is 10, that’s 20 + (10 x 0), which would just be 20. If she’s 18, that’s 20 + (10 x 8), which would be 100. However, while the price increases, the benefits do not— she will lose 20 stress when used, regardless of age. This option does not raise the internal stat mentioned above. As well, if sick, she will not accept your money, and if “Degrade”, she will take it, and it will not impact her stress.

Scold/Lecture is pretty useless… it doesn’t do anything but make your daughter look a little confused. If she’s sick, she’ll wonder if she’s doing something wrong— which will lower her stress by 5, for whatever reason, at least in the refine version. But what you’d actually want to use this feature for is when she’s being rowdy, indicated by the “DEGRADE” marker— it’ll lower her stress by her relationship with her father, (up to a 100 point stress loss!!), and then raise it by 5. If you’ve been playing up a daddy’s girl, this could be of great use.

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DIET: Now, this one’s a little interesting. You have the choice of 4 options, which tie to her weight and stamina! By selecting the Normal/Standard diet, you’ll have a daughter that gains roughly .20 kilograms per month. This is the default, and is also standard, costing 30g. By picking the Robust/Hearty diet, you’ll gain a little over .30 kilograms, but you’ll also gain 10 stamina at the end of every month. It costs 80g, but can be good if you’ve been neglecting your stamina intakes— or if you really want to bulk up early game with the right set up. Then there is the Slim down/Refined diet— In addition to lowering your weight gain to around .15 kilograms, it also lowers your Stamina by 5. It costs 10g, so it’s not really recommended, unless you’re about to cross the threshold. Finally is the Slim Down/Intensive diet. Here, you’ll lose a hefty 20 stamina, but in return you’ll lose around .50 kilograms, and it costs 5g. This is only worth it if you have stamina (and kilos!) to burn. It’s worth noting that if your daughter is getting a little too weak (low stamina), then Cube will swap to the Hearty diet, but you can simply change back to whatever diet you’d like.

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INFO: You’ll find personal information here, such as your daughters birth and her star sign. You’ll also find connections (Raised by talking to Palace Staff) and Sick/Delinquency percentages. One percent is equal to one point of stress over the stat mentioned in “Status”— you’ll need 90% Sickness (Critical) to become Bedridden (Which will kill you if it lasts at least 2 months, ending the game), and 90% Delinquency (A hooligan) to become a Gang Member (Which will get you arrested— a harsh penalty to your reputation stats).

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SHOP: Another doozy, but we’ll simplify, simplify, simplify!

The Armorer/Armoury is ran by Armorer Zeno/Zen, with Anita as a Part Time worker. Here you can buy equipment, which goes in the Armor/Weapon slots. You’re free to buy anything here, but I highly recommend buying a Dagger and Leather armor, especially if you’re not confident in “Rushing” strategies. Don’t worry! I’ll cover adventuring as a whole in a future post, maybe multiple

The Tailor is run by Maura, who sells clothes. The variety isn’t particularly extravagant, but this is where you’ll find the seasonal clothes. As well, the Cotton Dress is only 500g: you’ll always be able to afford it for the harvest festival if you’re not in debt. Otherwise, there’s not many tips I can give here, other than pick the clothes you find cute— though you can wear most of these only when you’re at least 13, sometimes older.

The Restaurant is ran by one Chef Balbon, and sometimes his part timer Marcia/Marthia. Here, you’ll find food that’ll lower your stress (or raise Stamina!) and raise your weight. Here’s a fun fact! The food is free if you don’t have the money— you’ll just have to spend your first month block working at the kitchen for free. Regardless of if you pay or not, you can only eat here once per month.

The Item/Pawn Shop is run by Shalom alongside his part time assistant Wendy. Here you can buy a few so-so items (which also serve as birthday gifts for when the day comes: you’ll have to buy from the first four items on the list), as well as a Healing Pill and Grenade for errantry. Unique to this shop, you’re able to sell items, though I’d be wary on selling anything that’s “Royal”.

The Church may ring some bells to history buffs— Sister Lee will ask you to donate 100g. Accept, and you’ll lose 10 sin! That’s its entire purpose. This can be used should you rack up far too many on a murder spree and not want to dedicate the time to church work, though it does feel rather humorous in its execution.

Lastly, is the Hospital/Clinic, with Doctor Lombardini asking if you’re sick, and if you are, charging a fee for an examination. When you pay the fee, you’ll lose stress up to one less than your stamina— which means if you don’t gain any more stress (ie- resting), you’ll recover by next month. Really unnecessary unless you’re high up on stress.

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CASTLE: Basically, a way to gain reputation, a lot of it if you know how to work it. First of all, the key stat here is Decorum, raised by Protocol Classes. Let’s get started, rapid fire motion!!

The Palace Guard/Gatekeeper will be your first stop, needing 10 decorum to speak properly (almost every birthday will start you with 10 decorum). His preferred stat is Refinement. Every 5 points in refinement is worth one point for Personal Connections (hereinafter referred to as just “Connections”). You can gain up to 15 points per visit this way, and 40 total.

Next is the Royal Knight/Imperial Guard Knight, who needs 30 decorum. His preferred stat is Refinement. Every 8 points of Refinement is worth one point for your connections. You can get up to 25 points per visit this way, and 50 total. Did you notice the text was identical? This guy isn’t very special. But since you’re raising elegance anyways, it’s worth a visit.

After that comes the General, who needs 50 decorum. His preferred stat is Glamour. And every 5 points of Glamour will be worth a point for your connection stat. You can max out your visit at 50 points for connection, and 120 total for the guy overall. If you’re raising Glamour, which you likely are if you’re raising your decorum, it’s worth checking him out, at least until you max at 50.

Making it to 70 Decorum lets you speak with the Minister of State. His preferred stat is Intelligence. Aside from the usual, that being that every 10 points is worth a connection point, up to 60 a visit for a maximum of 100, your connection to him specifically can net you bonuses at the Dance Party— specifically, a score boost. This is fun if you are a dirty cheater!

If you’re still raising your decorum, at 80 you’ll have the manners to speak to the Archbishop. His preferred stat is Faith. Like the Minister of State, 10 points is one connection point, and a visit will max at 60, but his overall max is 120. You’ll want to raise Faith anyways, so it won’t hurt to visit the old man.

Getting tired? Great! So is our next stop— at 85 decorum, you’ll speak to the King’s favorite #2, the Royal Concubine/Favorite Mistress. Her preferred stat is Conversation/Speech/Eloquence. Yes, that’s right! A stat with three names!! Eloquence is the Regeneration name. Anyways, every 10 points of Eloquence will equate to 1 point for connections, up to a maximum of… 10 per visit. Her total maximum is 120, but considering you only get this stat at the Bar, I wouldn’t bother.

Now to the King’s favorite #1, the Queen! She’d love to invite you for tea if you have 90 decorum. Her preferred stat is Temperament/Personal./Temper. Much like #2, the same rules apply, 10 points = 1 point, 10 maximum per visit. She’ll raise your connections by 160 points total. This one is even more worthless, as it’s gained by doing housework (arguably easier), but there’s no other reason to raise Temper. What a fraud.

At 95 decorum, we’ll have the Bowing Skills to bow our way to the King. You may think otherwise, but his preferred stat is, strangely enough, Fight Rep. Every 10 points will go to your connection stat, but here’s where it gets interesting— the King has no limit per visit! For the crazies who raise it up to a maximum, the King will gladly give 99 points to your connections. His true maximum is 300, but Fighters Reputation is fairly easy to raise, and you’ll definitely be able to make use of his benefits.

So, what do connections do? Why, palace discounts of course! If you raise them high enough, you’ll get marked down prices! These apply even if she’s buying rogue, so it’s nice to have. Personal connections don’t go away, either! Well, unless you happen to sell that “Royal” thing.

Now, the Jester/Clown is unique— he doesn’t really care for decorum, and speaking to him will lower your social reputation by 15. What he does want is someone to talk to, and that Eloquence stat will come in handy. He’ll also raise your sensitivity by 15. If you keep talking to him, you may even be on the path for that 4th Art-based Ending. If you, of course, are feeling whimsical.

And to defy all odds, the Young Military Officer does… well, nothing. He doesn’t have any preference, he doesn’t require decorum, and he doesn’t impact your stats in any way. Well, not any way that you can see. He’s only available on January 31st, and if you keep your promises, he’s the ticket to becoming a Princess.

I☆I

ITEM: A screen where you can see your inventory. Many items in this game are passive, they’ll have their effect when just held in your inventory. Exceptions include clothes (which are to be clicked on to be worn- then granting their bonuses), Equipment (can be clicked to add to weapon/armor slot, then their effects are in, uh, effect), and consumables (like the Ancient Milk and the Breast Pill). Some items are to be traded away, however. Usually, they are to be traded in errantry.

I☆I

SYS: The save menu. You save your game. You load your game. You leave your game. That is. Uhm. All.

I☆I

SCHEDULE: Leads to the scheduling screen, of which, we’ll talk about… next time!! I’d like you tune in for that, ok?

[avalonlights]

in case anyone is wondering why i've been on less and posting less art, it's not because fandom has lost its grip on me (i'm lurking and enjoying the hell out of what you all post)... it's because i work in animation and the execs are all frothing at the mouth over generative ai and are trying their absolute hardest to brute force it into our workflow in increasingly stupid ways, thinking that will somehow make them more money. not only are those tools still hot garbage that would make what i do actually monumentally harder, it makes me sick to my stomach watching creatively clueless and morally bankrupt execs fall all over themselves to try and profit from tools they KNOW FULL WELL are built on stealing and laundering copyrighted work when there's simply no need to do that. it's sent me into kind of a depressive funk, especially bc i've had to sit through mandatory training on those "tools" that I absolutely refuse to use, and it's given me like... existential dread about never being able to trust an image again. i find myself anxiously over inspecting every online image for 'tells' even in completely unrelated contexts, which is just a soul-crushing knee jerk reaction i do not want to have. fun times. i'm just going to do everything i can to stay the hell away from that nonsense and hope to god there's some regulation coming that helps this mess. i hope i'll feel able to draw again soon bc it's something I love to do for FUN in this extremely stressful world and i'm so mad that this stupid, unnecessary nonsense is impacting that. anyway! sending you all a big internet hug, and i'm sure i'll be back to creating before too long here. hopefully. i miss it. :)

[spaceagebachelormann]

omg hcs for christine as your gf in a highschool au!!

christine as your gf in a highschool!au

✧ warnings: homophobia

✧ authors note: jas ml ty for requesting this even if u don’t know shit abt phantom of the opera <3 yk i love christine ! also reader is fem cause i said so

✧ m.list — nav.

writing this cause i finished my exam early 😈😈

her favourite classes are the ones she has with u

even if she absolutely sucks at it it’s okay cause she gets to spend it with her favourite girl!!!

or if its a class she likes but ur bad at she’ll tutor u in a heartbeat

typa gf to give u a kiss everytime u get something right

ngl she’d prob be in theatre 😭 so she’d tell u every little detail abt her auditions and what roles she wants

she once got cast as brenda in hairspray when she wanted penny and started genuinely tweaking

she’d get so so happy if u came to her shows

she’s broken character before just to wave at u !!

yes she got in trouble no she didn’t care

also ur probably also friends with raoul cause theyre still friends cause i said so

he’s not a theatre kid but he IS a band kid

he plays trombone btw 💀

christine would prob want u to try out clubs so obv those are ur go to’s cause ur friends are there

she understands if u don’t wanna join a club but she does encourage it

also!! u barely see her during exams cause girlie gets stressed (same)

like to the point she has to sleep during lunch because she barely slept the night before

so like u have to force her to fix her sleep schedule after exams are over

raoul gets so annoyed if y’all start flirting during lunch 😭😭 he’s almost moved tables before

“ew stop nobody wants to see that”

and then he’s ur first defender if someone starts being a bitch

the amount of people he’s gotten suspended, fired, expelled for harassing u guys is actually crazy

no shit gets past him the second he hears abt it they’re cooked

we love a supportive third wheel

also!! she’d get her license as soon as she can so she can pick u up and drive u home <33 literally no other reason

she’d wanna work at the same place as u when y’all get jobs (prob at the food court in the mall) but she refuses certain places

like she’ll work at subway but refuses taco bell?? (raoul would work at taco bell)

and he gets even more annoyed when she comes and visits u at ur job (taco bell 💀)

average white rich man when he has to work at taco bell and his two main friends are dating so he’s a constant third wheel

also every teacher loves christine and will let y’all sit in their classrooms for lunch it u don’t wanna be in the cafeteria

she’d love to buy u things for lunch and if she doesn’t have money that day she just makes u some herself

and let me say her cooking just might be the most amazing thing u ever taste

if u let her know how much u love her cooking she just starts bringing it for u everyday

she gets so offended if u don’t come to school when ur not sick and just cause u felt like it

if ur sick she’ll come by and take care of u (cause u only eat her soup) but not coming just cause u didn’t wanna??? 😒

she won’t rlly do much abt it she’ll just be petty for the rest of the day and then forget abt it the next day

also she loves walking u to ur classes! even if it’s across the school from hers

it’s okay she can run and she’s pretty decent about it cause she doesn’t rlly mind gym

she’ll walk to u class even if a teacher she dislikes is there

and coming to her house after school is the best

she has an insane cd/vinyl collection with every genre ever so she lets u pick some and plays them in the background

makes u play mario kart because she’s weirdly good at it

it’s like a superpower for her

she could start in the back and she’d still be in 1st place throughout the whole game

usually a toadette main but will match with u sometimes (yoshi and birdo, peach and daisy/rosalina, etc)

[dufferpuffer]

I agree that Lyall didn't have that much political power, I always imagine him a guy with a normal job. Like one of the jobs that flies under the radar in the series because we're only ever introduced to shop or business owners or people who work in the ministry or the press. Lyall to me did academic research, put himself out there for the sake of discovering new things, published papers, did experiments. I think not being necessarily always involved with the ministry helped them keep a low profile after Remus was bitten. I don't imagine them being poor, I think Remus's poverty came after, facing constant unemployment and refusing to "burden" his family.

Yeah, I see that for Lyall too. I think people get excited when they read he was a 'world-renowned authority' ... but honestly, world renowned authority's are dime a dozen. Universities are full of em. As you said: academic research etc. Having a PHD, going and doing convention panels, attending talks, publishing books - it's nothing to sneeze at but it doesn't exactly pay well. Very much depends on the topic.

Remus' poverty is certainly worse as an adult - as he was on his own, ran away from the little support he had, and couldn't work. He is likely homeless, or has been homeless.

I'm rather attached to the idea of him growing up poor, though... ...because that is a very common experience for disabled people. Being loved by your parents but also being an emotional and financial strain. It's traumatizing, watching your health hurt your family when you're too young to conceptualize its not your fault.

You just know that your specialist has suggested you see 3 other specialists in the next few months - and the price tag of seeing 4 specialists has made daddy rub his temples, stressed out. If you weren't sick... then he wouldn't have to worry about you.

Of course there weren't treatments for Remus - they looked and couldn't find any. But what they WERE draining money on was moving house. Often. In his mind it was 'his fault' for being sick.

When Remus grows up, after his dad can comfortably live in the one house without moving, and do his job, and save money - Remus still can't bring himself to go home, or let his dad financially help him. A childhood of being a burden... he won't let his dad suffer that again.

[kangaracha]

RING, THE VICTORY SONG full prompt collection AO3

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Gen Fic/Multichaps

NEVERMORE music videos verse/skzcu; on the eve of being torn apart, eight boys tumble into a world where their music seems to hang in the very air they breathe; 150K AO3

OVERWINTER missing/bonus scenes from nevermore AO3

LYRE LYRE on his last night with the group, IN must make a choice: to stay, or to go; 8k AO3

LEAVE After an accident splits apart the group, Felix is left alone in the world, wishing for better days to return (little does he know, that dreams come to those who truly want them). TUMBLR | AO3

WHAT THE WATER BROUGHT The ocean expands, the days grow longer, the earth loses its patience with every inch it cedes to the shore. For the hundreth time, Minho washes up on the shore of a small island and wonders when this - long months at sea, endless battles to keep their ship, the golden age of whatever the hell they want - will come to its end. AO3

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SMAUs

QUEENMAKER bang chanxreader; as one opportunity to debut disappears, another arrives - joining two year old group Stray Kids as a replacement to their missing ninth member. smau. TUMBLR | AO3

HEAD ABOVE WATER bang chanxreader, yang jeonginxreader; homework, a small business, overbearing parents, a boyfriend that isn't a boyfriend. And then there's whatever is going on with her best friend, who seems to want something...more than a friendship, if he ever gets around to asking her about it- life is complicated, and far too busy for Y/N to be bothered with being stressed, or sick, or whatever it is that's making it hard to eat and sleep and focus on her work. TUMBLR

DAYBREAK lee knowxreader, dystopia au; independant entertainment doesn't make money, everyone knows that - not dancing, not boxing. not without a company's name attached to it and the soul ripped out of it so that it can only sit on the stage bleeding. you knew you never should have agreed to buy the studio with him, that the bills would pile up and the income would run dry and the goverment would come knocking telling you to shut up and sit down...but it makes him so happy, when you see him dance. it gives him a reason to keep coming back. you don't know what you'd do without that. TUMBLR

THE FLOWERS YOU GATHERED IN MAY lee knowxreader; following an escape from near-death and an accident that leaves you unable to do most of the things you once loved, an old friend invites you to join a dance studio for loners and strays - people just like you.

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Prompt Fills

AS IT ENDS bang chanxreader; 'chan + 'a god bows before a mortal'; fantasy au

THE HYMN OF BABYLON lee knowxreader; 'minho + 'meddlesome angels, and the people they save'; dystopia au, fantasy au. religious dystopia.

CATSKIN lee felixxreader; 'felix + twisted fairytale'; royalty/fantasy au, based on the fairytale 'catskin'

lee know x sorry, i love you lee know x losing 3racha changbin x charmer changbin x eclipse han x forgotten felix x focus

[bluejaysandblackbats]

You're Just Like Quicksand

Fandom: DC Comics, Batfam, Batman Beyond

Summary: Jason Todd is ready to go into semi-retirement after fifteen years working with troubled youth, but one case in particular forces him to confront the sins of his youth and painful memories from his past. (TW // Character Self Harm Mention in this chapter)

Chapters: 11/?

Characters: Jason Todd, Terry McGinnis, Warren McGinnis, Mary McGinnis, Matt McGinnis, Bruce Wayne, Original Character(s)

Relationship(s): TBA

Additional Tags: Protective Jason Todd, Good Sibling Jason Todd, Retired Jason Todd, Multiple POV, Hurt/Comfort, Parent-Child Relationships, Canon Divergent AU, Angst, Mourning Jason Todd

Chapter Eleven: Second Chances (Jason Todd's POV)

Terry’s a great kid, but I couldn’t relax without watching them from my phone during the meeting. The mayor was as stressed as most people would imagine the mayor of Gotham to be. He kept clearing his throat and asking me if I needed something. “So, you want at-risk teens partnering with politicians and top executives and—.” 

“What’s wrong with that? Most executives I know have the money and resources to make their criminal histories and academic failings disappear. These kids don’t bother trying because they understand it’s not what you know it’s who you know. The least we can do to clean up this city is to ensure these kids get to know people willing to be their bridge to a better life,” I interrupted. The mayor was a pushover, and he barely knew politics. He got stuck being mayor of Gotham because no one else wanted the headache. I knew if I made him look like a classist prick on camera, he’d fold. “I came from nothing. If it hadn’t been for my father adopting me, I don’t know where I’d be today.”

I glanced at my phone and smiled at Terry cradling Avery-Marie while she sucked her thumb. “I’ve already lined up individuals interested in letting kids shadow them… And it isn’t just top execs and politicians. There are blue-collar positions as well as white. I want them to cycle through all sorts of careers. Low-income and at-risk kids deserve to know they have options no matter where they come from. I’ve known people who came from nothing, went to community colleges, and worked their way up. I handpicked individuals that these kids could relate to. I’m meticulous and active in my business, so I’d drop in to supervise… It’s all in the plans I sent you. Did you have a chance to read through?” I knew he didn’t. He skimmed it at best. “My programs have a high success rate. Literacy and graduation rates are up. We’re funding therapy, tattoo removal, gas detoxing, and—.” 

“What about your more dangerous clients?” the mayor asked. I swallowed hard. I knew he wanted to allude to the incident... And it triggered me. It was my greatest shame. I had tunnel vision, and I couldn’t hear anything outside of my children screaming. My assistant touched my shoulder. 

“Right,” I replied, “I’ve since started screening which specific kids I want to be involved in the pilot program. I’ve met each child, looked at their files, and they volunteered to do a psychological screening. I believe in second chances. I believe in people. I’ve been hurt a lot in my life, but I refuse to allow that to be my excuse for turning my back on the children here. If a city shows love to its children, I guarantee that some of them will love us in return. We can’t put an end to the city’s problems, but we can minimize the causes.” I couldn’t buckle on the issue. We went back and forth until he had no choice but to greenlight my program. 

I left the meeting feeling sick to my stomach. I splashed my face in the sink, trying to drown out the sounds of my kids’ screams. My phone rang, pulling me out of the fog. I answered without looking. “Hello?” I answered. 

“Dad… Hey, um—. Hey, Dad,” his voice shook. 

“Andrew? Hi, Drewby,” I smiled. I hadn’t heard from Andrew since the incident. He’d gone off the grid and I lost him. I didn’t know if he was dead or alive. “What’s going on?” 

“Dad, I’m in the hospital,” Andrew replied. 

“Which one?” I questioned. 

“I’ll send you the location… We should probably talk more in person. Are you busy?” Andrew replied.

“Never too busy, Drewby. Send me the location, and I’ll be there,” I answered. 

“I gotta go, but I’ll be here… And uh, I don’t have anywhere to—. That’s not your problem—.” 

“It is my problem… I’m always gonna be your dad. I didn’t quit because you grew up,” I reassured him, “I’ll see you in a minute.” Andrew hung up and texted me. 

I drove straight there, stopping to call Terry. “Hey, Terry, I’ll be a little late. Something came up,” I explained, “Are you guys okay?”

“Yeah, Avie’s great. She fell asleep on my lap, so I’m stuck watching TV… How’d your thing go?” Terry asked.

“I got everything I wanted,” I replied, “And Terry, thanks so much for helping me out. I owe you extra for watching her longer than planned.”

“No problem,” Terry replied. We exchanged goodbyes, and I entered the building and let security check me. 

I put my phone, wallet, keys, and belt in the basket before signing in at the front desk. “Is Andrew Todd here?” I questioned. The man at the desk hesitated. 

“Can I see ID?” he asked. I gave him my ID and let him scan it. “He put your name on his medical release form.”

“Can you tell me what happened?” I asked. He pressed a button on the computer and I heard a gate click. 

“He had a psychotic episode in the Gotham City Mall,” the man answered. Vague. Andrew had no history of mental illness. He had his troubles, but he never struggled with anything like that.

Andrew came out, and my breath caught. I hadn’t seen him in five years. But, I would’ve known my son anywhere. I reached for him, hesitating before asking to hug him. Andrew wouldn’t look me in the eye, but I couldn’t stop smiling. He opened his arms, and I hugged him. “Where’ve you been?” I asked. I shook my head before he could answer and took his bag. “Are you hungry, Drewby?” 

Andrew nodded. “Can I come home for a little while?” Andrew asked. I smoothed his hair down.

“Of course. Of course, you can come home,” I answered. I went into autopilot with him. I let him in the car, and he buckled in while I dropped his bag in the back seat. “Can we talk about what happened? Or do you wanna eat first?” 

“I tried to drown myself in the fountain… I think I got pretty close,” Andrew answered. He seemed distant, but I didn’t push him for a reaction. “Do you remember when Mom died?” 

It would’ve been a random question had any of my other kids asked, but Andrew was with her when she died. He was home sick from school, and she took a nap with him and never woke up. Andrew called me in tears, and it was devastating. I remembered him begging them not to zip her up in a body bag. He insisted she wouldn’t be able to breathe. “I remember,” I whispered. 

“I never told you what her last words were. I thought it would hurt you,” Andrew mumbled. He stroked his hand with his ring and middle fingers. It was something his mother used to do when Avery dissociated. 

“Will you tell me now?” I asked. It’d been eighteen years since. If he wanted to hurt me, he would’ve done it five years ago during the incident. Andrew nodded.

“I was scared because I thought you and Mom were getting a divorce, so I asked her… And before she went to sleep, she said, she couldn’t live without you and that I didn’t need to worry because she loved us… Her exact words: Daddy drives me crazy, but I can’t live without him. You don’t have to worry about our family breaking up. We love you, Drewby ,” Andrew replied. I choked back tears. “I like that moment. It was the last time I felt like everything would be okay.”

I couldn’t speak. What would I tell him ? How could I explain to him what changed in five years? How could I tell him about his niece and Avery and—? How could I explain Terry? Even if he wasn’t the kid I mentored five years ago, I couldn’t explain him to Andrew. It felt like a betrayal… But how could I lie?

[dausy]

I got a job.

Which is kind of nifty I guess. I feel like it removes some of my stress although I knew I wouldn't have an issue finding a job, its just that the unknown makes us feel like we are continuously poor and homeless when that isn't the case.

An old classmate of mine from nursing school had messaged me some odd days ago saying she was leaving her job because her commute was really long and she wanted to know if I wanted it. She said she loved her job otherwise. I was actually going to wait until we moved to start applying for jobs because a lot of places want you to start ASAP and I don't want to apply too early. But she had already recommended me to her manager and he contacted me with a referral link to fill out. Did a virtual interview and he told me he knew he was already going to offer me the job.

HR already sent me an acceptance package and stated they wanted to pay me a relocation fee. Just an FYI this is for an Interventional Radiology nurse position, which I suppose I do have a bit of experience in with my previous position. IR is considered a cush or "soft" nursing job, but this is with a lvl1 trauma center and I'm not that familiar with the type of high acuity cases that they do. The last time I worked in a lvl1 trauma center it was primarily preop/PhaseII and a smidgeon of pacu. I wasn't in the thick of super acute/sick patients. So I don't really know what to expect in IR. It SOUNDS like they just want somebody who is familiar with and knows how to push meds for conscious sedation. They have techs who scrub in with the doctor. That was primarily what I was nervous about was trying to learn how to scrub for so many different types of procedures (cause they said they do about 40 different types) and I was like "oh lord thats a lot to learn and prove myself on, in a short orientation". But they told me that I would just be doing the conscious sedation and thats it. Which takes a lot of stress off. I don't know how to scrub..so..

anyway, coincidentally at the same time I accepted the position, somebody posted on the nursing reddit saying something like "those of you who want to work in IR because its a soft nursing job, WE DONT WANT YOU" I mean, I work hard and I split myself into 1400 pieces to try and help everybody so I'm not coming in to just sit and play on my phone.

The downsides to this job is that there is on-call and then I'd be making less money than what I was getting paid 5 years ago and rent prices have skyrocketted. Which is really sad. It has pretty much doubled. So less pay and more expensive CoL. We are already expecting to have to pay around 2000-2200/mo on rent alone for nothing super special. Not including pet rent and then utilities.

Me and my spouse were jokingly talking about me joining the service for the benefits. While its been brought up to me before in the past, I didn't think I had it in me to join the military. Now I'm actually kind of taking it seriously. I already talked to a recruiter but they aren't making it easy to get in contact with them which makes me think they're going to tell me they werent interested. But hypothetically, if I joined the military nurse corps, I'd go in as an officer, get officer pay, get BAH, get a retirement, continue the lifestyle of which I've become accustomed and if they have my specialty available, I would just continue doing the job I've become accustomed to. It was actually kind of enlightening.

If I have to work my booty off being full time, on call, making less than my mom as a secretary and I have to continue being a nurse....I mean, I dunno..people say that the military can't compete with civilian hospitals, but I kind of beg to differ. To me, it seems like they're offering a lot more.

But if military says "no, we don't need your specialty", I do have a job waiting for me for when we move.

[tpup]

not sexyposting this is me being heartbroken and gay

typed up a draft so long tumblr will probably crash if I upload it. feeling so complicately heartbroken + used + miserable while also loving her so badly. seeing no way for me to bear being in her life and this being my worst nightmare is ripping me apart every second relentlessly.

I want to be truly appreciated and I want to find someone who will convince me I'm going to be cared for and that I can be happier than I was with her, but also feeling like that's an immensely irresponsible thing for me to initiate anything based on right now.

I want someone to fill the sexual needs she never fucking tried to meet for me, but I know I'm going to be thinking of her so much that it feels cruel and gross for me to seek that. Not fair to the other person.

Distractions don't help though, and that terrifies me. If it's true that only time will help, that feels like a death sentence. I don't have money. I owe people already which is a position I NEVER let myself be in. No one dangerous, just medical bills and college and a relative. But I grew up in a bad home and I am someone who has a deepset need to not fuck myself over! I yearn for stable ground more than oxygen. I want to be rich and safe and able to do what I want. But I've been broke my whole life and never able to make a cent. I'm disabled despite me trying so hard to take care of myself and be strong, my own body kicks its ass in ways I can't rise above. I need money to improve more than this and not for lack of trying I have never been able to hold a job, and I haven't found any actual work in years. I've been begging and making deals with financially abusive people to survive. It's horrible and I just want to be like, what's considered the bare minimum for someone my age, I want a chance to be independent.

I can talk forever! About feeling bad and wanting things, and what limits or prevents me. I like tangible things. I don't want to be in my head. I don't want stasis in misery, ever ever, unless that stasis is necessary you know? I want to be better always. I'm so ambitious and I do think I can do great things but it's like, I'm 23 and haven't held a job for more than a few months, I haven't had work in years, I've failed out of school twice now, I got dumped by someone I wanted to marry, shit just does not work out for me even when I give my all, and it's fucking scary! I keep trying, I'm continuing to try, I know giving up makes it worse.

But it's soo hard asking for money or a place to stay or a shoulder to cry on or just one more chance over and over. People get sick of it. People give up on you. It makes me question my worth. I know I was dealt a shitty hand and that doesn't mean I'm a lost cause or not worth love- but having my partner leave me when I was starting to finally get closer to stable footing? Some nights it's really hard not to die. I can't stress how ripped apart and distraught I am at losing her.

This was supposed to be a short quaint and considered post! I'm not tired but have cried and been awake longer than a body should.

I love you all very much, thank you for being here and sweet and vulnerable and brave and sexy. Trans people are the saving grace of this world, you're beacons in my life, I really mean that. I've talked to more angels here than I think I've met throughout my life; we are so raw and yet we can look at each other and see that the other is also bleeding and we extend our hands. I love that. It's all there is at the end of the day, people being brave enough to express want for love and see each other.

[lulue-xie]

Do you have any headcanons about what married life would look like between Jou & Kaiba?

Hmm yes

First lets talk about the wedding, since Kaiba is pretty all about the show you can think they have the wedding of the year but not, i think it could be fun that they get married in LA with a look a like Elvis or whatever is canon in ygo

I perfectly imagine Jou say "hey look, lets get married ! Seen funny" and Kaiba agree like "why not ? Its been 5 years now "

Sure they made something with family and friends after that but you know

***

For the married life headcanon now:

I think it didnt change much of when they were not married ... thank you to have listend to my tedtalk !

OK more seriously, Kaiba love to wears his alliance and if everyone can see it, he will be happy but Jou is more shy/protective about his personnal life so he will wear it as a necklace but none of them will ever take it out

In my head they are two phases

When they were traveling :

They like to get back at home together at least one week par month so they can settle down, and have quality time

When only Jou travel, Kaiba start the bad habit to over work himself so Jou start to call him at least one time a day to check on him, he want to be sure Kaiba take care of him, also he miss his voice when he is so far away

When only Kaiba travel, he didnt give much news but always come back with a gift because everything that can be eaten remind him of Jou

When they didnt travel much anymore :

They brought a house at the sea shore with a garden because they have the money, they go on walk at the beach hand in hand

I like to think that Jou like to cook for Kaiba even if he is not that good

Kaiba start gardening because the doc say its good for his stress and he like it a lot, his fav plant is rosebush because they re really résilient and can give flowers on the winter for some variety (i already spoke about this one)

I m sure Kaiba dont have a big health while being older, run all over the world, over worked, over stressed, too much sleepless night ... all of that can kill a man but Jou take good care of him even that Kaiba is the grumpiest man while sick

Of course they speak about adopting kid but theyre not on the same terms on that, so maybe never (Jou love kids but dont know anything about it, Kaiba not really like them and since he already had to take car of Mokuba when he was younger, he dont know if he want to do it again)

But they surely adopt dogs

[throwawaytumble]

Kind of off topic, but why did you retire from pediatric oncology? Why did you take getting a therapist so seriously specifically because of the job? What is better about teaching art? I'm going to be a junior in high school and am considering going to medical school when I graduate.

Before I answer your question, I want to make it clear that I loved pediatric oncology and if I were to travel back in time and be given the option to go immediately into being an art professor or doing pediatric oncology first, I would do pediatric oncology first again. Changing your mind about what you want to do or what you enjoy later in life does not negate the importance and fulfillment of your at-the-time focus. This is why I am dismissive towards "but it's just a phase!" comments.

Anything in the medical field - any position at all - comes with a high amount of stress. Whether you are a custodian or a neurosurgeon, whether you do desk and paperwork or work nightshifts in the ER, when it comes to the health, lives, and livelihoods of others, it will take a toll. Janitors having to mop blood and feces daily, dietary having to be aware of how certain medications affect digestion and each individual patient's dietary necessities and restrictions and allergies, nurses having to take the brunt of the emotional turmoil of a patient in severe pain, and receptionists having to deal with people angry at having to be in a hospital in the first place will take its toll on anyone. If you work in a medical facility at all I would suggest having a strong emotional support system with your loved ones and it is absolutely necessary for you to have a healthy work/life balance as well as set up boundaries. Despite this, the system absolutely expects you to prioritize your career because "this is life and desth" and "if you don't work sixteen hour shifts, the patients will suffer." I have personally seen the Head of Maintenance tell his employee that taking a week off to deal with the death of a parent would be tantamount to patient abandonment. Society also deems you as heroes, and not workers, so you're expected to care less about your bills because "you're not in it for the money" and are expected to put up with insane levels of overworking and abuse from other workers and your patients and patients' families because they want you to be superhuman. This is why it is essential for you to set up and maintain boundaries and be aware of how close you are to burning out as well as have emotional support from someone in your life. The closer you are to dealing with patients, the more I would suggest you seek therapy.

As a pediatric oncologist, I dealt with children dying consistently. I dealt with grieving and scared family members. Radiation and chemotherapy is no walk on the park, so even those that survive have difficulties. You will have to go from holding the hand of someone as they die, or have a parent threaten to kill you because their child passed, and then two minutes later perform a puppet show for the balding child two doors down. For me, if a child was going to die, I got fulfillment in helping them live each day to its fullest, focusing on their quality of life, and making sure they experienced as much love as possible. For those who survived, I got fulfillment in helping them get better, as it were. Blood, gore, mucus, vomit, feces, urine, the smells of sickness and medications, etc didn't bother me. It did, however, get emotionally taxing to a degree, but I kept my work/life balance and boundaries in good shape.

That being said, it is still a lot to handle and take in while also having to deal with the entitlement hospitals have towards staff, workplace politics, and the absolute cut throat competition of other coworkers, the legal ramifications of filed grievances, complaints, and allegations, and the psychopaths that medical field attracts. If you are going to become a doctor, it was an absolute MUST that you get malpractice insurance. If you genuinely believe you'll never make a mistake, or if you shut down when you do make a mistake, it is not the profession for you. There will be a time that you see the symptoms, signs, and tests and have no idea why they are at those levels, or what could possibly be causing it. There will be a time you make an avoidable mistake, which i cannot emphasize enough. I've met many doctors who went into the profession accepting they'd make unavoidable one, but not avoidable ones. It is impossible not to. You will not see a symptom when you ought to have, or you will misdiagnose, or offer a medication that makes a symptom worse. There will be people who you can absolutely save but refuse to listen to you, those who have a 98% survival rate who pass away suddenly, those who are on death's door and have little to no chance of survival and end up surviving despite the odds, people who absolutely could have survived but stubbornly will not listen to you, etc. That, I could also handle.

But eventually, the sixteen hour (or more) days, guilt tripping from coworkers, management, patients, and patients' families when I took a two week vacation, working twenty-one days with no day off, the expectation that I be with everyone everywhere at all times outweighed the fulfillment I got from my patients, who I absolutely loved. And so I decided to pursue another career. And yes, when a doctor retires or quits, there are people who will call you selfish for giving up on saving lives.

I remember the moment I decided I was ready to move on from oncology. One day, a mother was angry with me because her child went into remission - which was fully expected - and she kept demanding to know what she was supposed to do now. Sometimes sickness can become patients' and families' identity, so this wasn't the first time, but earlier that week a former patient had seen me at the store and had been upset I hadn't integrated myself into their post-care lives. That was also common. When you see people at their most vulnerable and intense emotional moments, they will form attachments. As a professional boundary, I do not put myself into the personal lives of any of my patients (and now, my students.) While at work I will discuss their hopes, dreams, memories, but when I am not working, I think it's best to separate that from my home life. For me, I work best with my patients when I see them as patients, even though I am incredibly friendly and invested in them while with them. Sometimes they want to take the patient/doctor relationship and then it into something more familial, but I have no interest in that.

I had kept up with my art throughout the years, and eventually I realized I was treating it less like a hobby and getting more fulfillment from it than being a doctor. One day it sort of clicked that I wanted to teach art (not long after I realized I admitted I was no longer happy being a pediatric oncologist) as I was helping a preteen patient of mine shade shapes for homework.

Sorry for the lengthy reply as well as how long it took me to get around to answering!

[itsgivingautism]

01/18/24 — Zia rants about being autistic & physically disabled & chronically ill in a fucked ableist society & having to be dependent on their partner

Started to have meltdown over this & other stuff to my partner before he left for work…. I didn’t meant to have a morning meltdown. I found myself shutting down and feeling guilty before he left bc I can recognize it’s hard on him even when he doesn’t wanna show it. But needed a place to rant and ended up going off down below for a like an hour. I don’t want to open up but I made tumblr after not being on here since high school for an outlet for a lot of reasons, with support & encouragement from therapists to do so. But I also hate being perceived. I’m just so fucking annoying tho I somehow always bring attention to myself that I never want….. but I’m also learning to tell my story & share my experiences. As an autistic person late diagnosed who was severely abused throughout my entire childhood opening up, learning to unmask & not shutdown, understanding my own thoughts, feelings, & experiences is so fucking hard.

I am so grateful for my partner but god I wish I was independent. I wish I had the ability to take care of myself. I wish I wasn’t so fucking dependent on his love and support. I wish I wasn’t so needy, or clingy. I wish I wasn’t disabled physically and mentally. I wish I wasn’t so wounded & traumatized. I wish I wasn’t so chronically ill. I wish I wasn’t in autistic burnout, a state of prolonged cognitive decline that one average can last 2-10 years.

I wish I could get a job. Even working from home but my mind can’t even. I’m constantly age regressing and going across different timelines of my mind and getting trapped, constantly disconnecting from this current physical reality even when I seem like a part of it to others - but it’s just automatic masking as a trauma response. All a result of my CPTSD+autism+adhd

I haven’t been able to work a real job since 2020. I’ve been fighting to get the support & benefits I need but constantly being shit on. Having to go thru constant channels to prove how severe my issues are and then being told try this treatment first and when it doesn’t work its still somehow my fault. I’m sick of having to prove my disabilities & illnesses and then when I show how bad they are I’m being dramatic. But when I mask & show strength, I must be making it up. How could you be so strong about then? There’s no winning. Only losing. I don’t see a point in showing weakness or asking for help. But then refusing to and bottling it all up, that has lead me to deeply problematic bad spirals. I just want to be taken seriously by doctors & medical professionals. I hate this country.

I wish I was normal. I hate burdening my partner. Although I know he doesn’t want me to feel like one and he genuinely wants to help me, I also know I stress him out….

I am dependent on him financially while his job is fucking over their contracts, refusing to give him & his coworkers the raises they were supposed to get a year ago. Him and his coworkers have collectively trying to unionize for months (which is the only reason they actually didn’t get a pay cut which the company was tryna do even tho they were supposed to give raises last year) and ofc my partner has been the one leading the unionizing. (We joke about my radicalism really rubbing off on him)

I’m constantly trying to find ways to make money, which end up doing more damage to my body. He hate what it does to me. He wishes he could do more while stuck in his work contract. it’s a lot on him. And I feel like his life would be so much less stressful without me tho….. or at least if I could just be normal & healthy….

Even my friends point out that unless I’m talking about my emotions & trauma I don’t make any sense talking…. like burnout really shows…. It’s embarrassing constantly. I sound like a so clearly disabled most of the time. I used to exceptionally smart & articulate before this burnout. Ik they mean it accepting my but it’s hard when 90% of what I say comes out wrong. It’s hard when I’m trying to be supportive and it sounds like asshole shit bc my issues with speech & cognition. I want to be a lovely validating friend. Not the one they have to dissect my word vomit to find the love & support in foolish clumsily words. I’m technically hyperlexic so I can keep creating words but my other learning disabilities downgrade the quality & meaning of those words.

But I also only make sense when talking about my looping emotions & trauma is bc I only share what I can (the deeper stuff is vaulted by selective mutism & shutdowns). This is the shit going thru my brain, talking to myself about and looping constantly. Ofc it’s the only thing I can talk about. But even most the time I’m still not making sense entirely. But it’s all I can think about, talk to myself about, and it’s all the my brain is giving me permission to share about myself.

[running-on-coffee-and-anxiety]

My Parents are Good People, but sometimes they're not the most understanding

My parents: So what do you have any input on dinner? We're cooking.

Me, who already told my parents we have different food tastes and that mine is all soups and stews (they say soup/stew is too hot and heavy for the temperature despite being one of the few food categories made that I don't feel sick after eating) except for 1 solid meal I know doesn't make me sick, which they don't like, knowing they'll be upset with me for suggesting any of them or saying 'I don't know' and potentially lecture me about needing to eat more food types:

I know they're not obligated to feed me anymore, I just wish they wouldn't ask my opinion on foods then get upset with me when they get the same answers over and over again.

Sometimes I think they assume I'm missing meals for the hell of it and not because I know they made something that will make me sick for the rest of the night and potentially the next day as well.

Then they make me feel bad for it, saying I'm being too picky or not chewing enough when I tell them how nauseous I feel and how its like there's a led ball in my stomach immediately after eating.

I guess this is kinda my fault, though. I cried wolf a lot when I was a little kid and I still suffer the consequences of it to this day. Like, I ran around on a dislocated kneecap for 7 years after a trampoline accident because the doctors said I was too young to be seriously hurt and my parents refused to believe me and said it was all in my head even after I dropped out of track.

It took my physical therapist figuring it out and popping it back into place to get that fixed. Then I started getting constant headaches when I was in my teens, I don't remember around when, just know I was in high school. I asked if it could be my wisdom teeth, got told it was just stress. Oh look! The dentist took some normal x-rays during a routine checkup, sees my wisdom teeth are both abnormally large and weirdly shaped! Guess what? No more headaches after they're removed!

You cry wolf age 12 and under, that follows you for the rest of your life, even if you're not in a position to try and find answers yourself because you don't have access to transportation or because nowhere you can walk to due to your lack of transportation is hiring so you can't earn the money needed to get said transportation.

And somehow they're surprised I sit on issues, and when they get worse they're like 'why didn't you tell us sooner!' and I just sit there like '??? You told me it would go away over time? That it wasn't something that required a checkup and that I needed to be careful? Because both of you are working and told me how precious your free time and schedules are?'

I love them, they're good people, but honestly I see where I get my cluelessness comes from when I talk to them about something serious- or when I try to, anyways.

[chxckens]

some life updates... this is a big chunky post, just for those who care abt what’s happening w me. i feel like a dvd player

i had a difficult conversation with my mother yesterday where i was able to explain how difficult working has been for me with my health conditions and how i’ve been struggling to keep things like stable income for rent and health insurance because of it. like, i’m on long-term disability leave from work right now but i’m not even sure that i’ll be able to return to working full-time in the same capacity because of my health. and it isn’t a matter of finding a better job or a more flexible job- no employer likes that i keep growing tumors and getting cancer. like, that’s not a particularly good trait for an employee. legally they can’t fire me for it but i feel terrible not being a reliable employee because of it, it makes me feel like shit (even though my self-worth shouldn’t be derived from how Good a worker i am. i know this.)

my mom was taken aback somehow by how deeply it has been affecting me (of course it has. i’m always stressed.) and she actually literally said, “i think that we- that i- have been holding you to impossible standards considering your circumstances.” and that meant a lot. she said, “no, you don’t have to be financially independent right now, fuck it. i have money, move back home for now and let’s just make life comfortable for you.” i can’t explain how surreal it was to hear all that from her because she’s always been the one pushing me to Be Normal (work full-time, live independently, etc.) but i think i got through to her yesterday about how impossible this all feels.

it’s just, like- at this point i have had three separate cancers and i am only 28 years old. i will likely have more cancers down the road because of my genetic disorder. the three cancers isn’t even counting the benign brain tumor i had last december, that was a fucking freebie. nothing about the life i’m living is normal and it was killing me trying to work forty hours a week and keep house and take care of myself on top of all the medical misery.

so like....

i’m not HAPPY about having to live with my mom again ‘cause we don’t cohabitate super well (i love my mother dearly! but i would say this to her face and she would agree- we are both hermits and like having our own space) but there’s a wing of her condo that she’s fixing up that has its own entrance/exit so i can have like. a mini apartment in her condo. hopefully we can figure out enough systems that’ll make it manageable

it is a fucking miserable bummer to have to constantly curb my mother’s plans. she bought some land out in michigan and has plans to build a house out there and she’s been so excited about it and talking about it constantly and i’ve seen the land too, it’s lovely. but now she says she might sell it so she can take care of me. and that’s fucking wretched it makes me want to cry again to think about. but she reassures me, says that the money is better spent closer to home right now. on me. i don’t want her to sell the plot, i told her i’d move out there with her but she thinks it’s too far away from any major medical center for me to live there. because i have my perpetual ball and chain wherever i move- i have to be near a hospital. a cancer center, preferably.

but i can’t complain because it’s huge that she’d be willing to help me survive without working like i have been. and she’ll help me pay for health insurance that isn’t employer-sponsored so i don’t, like, die... that’s huge for me... definitely don’t want to die....

it does make me nauseous, of course, in a survivor’s guilt type of way- i am hyperaware of the fact that the only reason i have this option is because i come from a family with money and that my mother is offering it. i am fully aware of the fact that i would have died several times over if not for the fact that my mother happens to be sitting on enough money to care for me when i’ve been sick and out of work. having grown up with that wealth, it wasn’t until i got cancer for the first time that i was truly radicalized, politically. the system is horrific and even with my immense privilege it is still impossible to navigate when you’re sick/disabled. none of you need me to tell you this, but it is on my mind a lot, especially when it feels like i’m getting handouts like this

so, y’know, there’s a lot of guilt/shame here. and i’m trying to remind myself that this isn’t “giving up” it’s “finding a way to live that doesn’t feel like torture.” i think this is the only decision i can make right now?

i’ll start packing up my stuff and get rid of a bunch of it so that i can fit in my mom’s space. that’s prolly the first step here. the rest, we’ll figure out, i guess? i still feel queasy and like crying about this to be honest. being on my period probably isn’t helping LMAO