#its hard to get on that level tbh
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You said you're busy, so feel free not to reply now (or ever lol), but what's the difference between supporting that wizard transmisogynistic antisemite and supporting something like, say, Disney? Genuine question. Aren't both bad because it's been proven their profits go straight to anti-LGBT laws? Or is it different? I hate both either way lol. Thanks!
I think the main difference is JKR is singularly making her entire platform about hating trans women, vocally encouraging others to do the same, and has boiled down her career to that one thing. Passively, she is doing OTHER egregious hateful things (mostly antisemitism but also homophobia and racism and more).
Disney is different because... Disney is buying every single thing. Lots of works that exist and were created outside of the Disney "mindset" (whatever that is) have been purchased by Disney. There are things streaming on Disney+ by people who would probably roll around in their graves if they knew who owned their work now.
Disney is harder to avoid in that way but it's also not one singular issue. It is a multiple of projects, some of which are affirming, some of which... are hateful and awful.
I personally do not consume much Disney branded content.
And I think people who worship at the altar of Disney often CAN end up identical (in behaviour and in harm) to HP-defenders.
But... idk... when it becomes less about actual creators and more about the people who end up owning their shit, it's harder. Like... most chain stores are donating to Republicans. I'm sure most streaming services are too. This does get closer to the "no ethical consumption under capitalism" thing where like... you can do the best you can to shop "well" but... corporations are all donating to whoever will protect their profit margins the most and will fund any law possible to get that going.
Corporations have such overwhelming nets they've thrown over hteir industries that it's hard to find anything that has escaped their grasp untainted. It's like... if someone selling their book lets it be distributed through amazon, do we immediately accuse them of supporting amazon exploiting and even killing employees?
It's more nebulous and I'm more willing to handwave (especially the more and more outside of the "Disney" brand Disney owned things get) but JKR isn't so nebulous. She is the creator of HP--the DIRECT creative mind of the entire IP. She is a bigot. The bigotry exists inside the work. The bigotry exists OUTSIDE the work. She specifically uses her platform to spread hate. Uses HP as part of her platform to do that, directly trying to indoctrinate fans into her mindset.
There is no sort of absolving quality to HP left. It isn't detached enough from her hatred to attempt any mental hoops to justify it.
It's not quite comparable to Disney which is a conglomeration of a lot of people who just have the same financier essentially.
If we're talking about specific Disney works that have hateful/prejudiced content in it, yeah it's a more similar comparison.
But also, even with that, I do recommend people do try to consume less Disney branded and even just Disney owned shit. There's more room for lenience in there--I don't think a parent letting their kid watch Moana is doing the same harm as the parent who reads their kid HP every night--but at the end of the dya aI will always say... look for more media on the margins.
Media produced by more independent workers strugglign to make ends meet. Media produced by people who have shit to say. Media with less direct connections to megacorporations who are all donating to the worst peopel on the fucking planet just so they can get more blood from the stones of society's creative soul
#JKR has deliberately made herself a spokesowman for a hate movement#she and HP have reached peak 'you cannot morally consume this' level#its hard to get on that level tbh
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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Dr ratio is kind of really interesting to me bc I feel like there's quite a bit going on w him too- I'd love to write about him someday but I'd rather figure out how I characterize him before that
#I'm a strong hater of the “Ratio can't have nous' gaze on him bc he's not selfish and self absorbed”#i dont think he's like insulting everyone in existence just because and just a complete asshole either actually#while i do think Ratio definitely still kind of feels upset about never receiving Nous' gaze#i dont think its so bad that it's bothering him every moment of the day#but ahhh writing about him is different i need to reread stuff about him to make sure im really getting him right#the only reason i haven't yet tbh is bc i kind of 😅 don't know how to imitate his manner of speech That level of English is HARD OKAY#but on that note o might write stelle someday? she'd say skibidi sigma im pretty fluent in that language
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Once I'm done with ongoing things I'll probably take a serious break from shit,,, not feeling worth it at the moment
#working my through infernal heritage stuff#book layout v hard but were getting there#i was going to go straight into running the next thing for lost haven but i probably need to give it a rest#full of ideas and all but its just#ive lost the desire to do the work for it recently#since im essentially doing all of it for free it becomes very difficult when i just want it to be over#the deck of beginnings flopping hasnt helped motivation either#im just#not in a place where i can do anything i want#i might never be#ive got acme in september#i have megacon in January#tho im seriously considering pulling out from megacon at this point#having to fight the urge to leave other things im part of#🤷 not feeling good#a resurgence in old social life problems has destroyed me and any motivation i might have had#somehow feels worse this time round even if less world ending#cant be comfortable online anymore tbh#and its tanked my art motivation#this is rivalling 2021 levels of i cant#feels bad man
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hilarious that everyone makes a huge deal abt shuro proposing to falin in the epilouge placing bets OMG IS FALIN GOING TO LEAV going OMG is he gonna marry a WHITE WOMAN for a convo that was : I wanna travel the world but thanks for the offer! Okay cool good on ya. We should still be friends tho!
#dungeon meshi spoilers#Hard to get a read on his relationship w falin but seems they were legit buds on some level#Their relationships more interesting than it is on its face tbh that falin was seriously considering#saying yes bc she could be set for life and she was in an arranged marriage for awhile#tho also considering whatevers happening in the nakamotos house him choosing to marry for love is crazy.#But also interesting that his proposal made her think seriously abt the future for the first time#and express her feelings abt feeling stifled by her life choices being dictated by her brother n marcille#and her dream pf traveling the world which shes had for awhile#and her death breaks him out of his passive streak and allows himself to be a bit selfish and ask for something in his life#Like tbh makes since they get along well game recognizes game (passivity king and queen respectively)#we see shit happening but were not doing shit abt it gang#And theyre both considered really skilled at their respective specialties and theyre both quite smart#Do think a part of his proposal is that he wanted to take a friend back w him bc he didnt think hed be able to visit the island again#falins pragmatic streak is fun wish we saw more of her bc its clear theres a fully realized character there#theyre siblings after all
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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Earlier I encountered another fun isat glitch while fighting the king but this time instead of Odile crashing my game she decided to just stop taking damage and tbh that's how it should be all the time. About to take damage? Don't.
#rat rambles#stars posting#ok well actually the glitch was that miras friend quest shield didnt go away the whole battle but shhh it funnier this way#also gotta love how the switch cant handle isat like At All lol#like I dont care because Im used to playing games at 2fps but its still funny#Im also getting close to the point that I can finally enact my grand plan of suffering#as in like Im right fucking there I just need to finish the ending again#finally did all the friendquests after delaying a bit to do some miscellaneous dialogue hunts instead#Im also probably gonna hang out in act 3 for a while longer to hunt for some repeat friendquest dialogue#I am itching to get to act 4 since I feel like theres a lot of dialogue there Ive never seen but I wanna be thorough#but yeah I might have to start watching another isat playthrough to entertain me for my grind tomorrow#Im not married to the idea of hard committing to the grind but I wanna at least try#because I simply want to see if I can#also the stronger sif and the rest of the party can be for the rest of the game the better#Im going to have to fight the king a lot more and I wanna be able to get through it at least fairly quickly#I dont even know how high level the game lets everyone go tbh but I can sure find out if I try hard enough#I might have to look it up and do some math to find out how bad of an idea this is lol
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watching the raimi spidermans as an adult and im kind of in awe at the reputation raimi mj has like. idk man she kinda just exists. and maybe cut her some slack for peter leading her on over and over and over again. i think she deserves to kill him with hammers for the shit he pulled at the beginning of 3 i'll say it idc
#shes just kind of a woman. a woman who literally survived domestic abuse and is making it all on her own might i add#like yeah dawg shes gonna be a bit insecure but tbh its like. not even bad at all. its a perfectly normal level of being maladjusted#like her getting so upset about the reviews and at first i was like okay i get it but also itll be okay girl#and then she was like reading these words all i can see and hear is my dad and its like OHHHHHH. okay. yeah noted valid#i have things to say about how shes WRITTEN. like how she obvi plays into the damsel in distress role and the. things shes often forced#to wear#but like idk when she shines mj kinda fucking kicks ass. last night watched 2 and her doing a nyc ass whistle at doc ock ruled hard#rewatching these its just like ohhhhh you arent actually annoying or evil youre just a woman in a series of movies from the 2000s#so everyone thought you deserved the death penalty for some reason. okay#the majority of the time ive been watching these i feel like pete kind of treats her like shit if anything#ive been snapping whenever she lays into him i wont lie. like she ate him up at the proposal dinner#idk why this became an essay i guess this has kinda just been an epiphany for me#anyway. mj Get Behind Me. tbh all women from films from the 2000s Get Behind Me#mine
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I feel like at least several times a month, I have a random insane revitalization of my love for The Smiths. Not that I ever stop loving them, but I'll listen to some song and then suddenly fall into this pit of just deep, intense love for their music again where I can't stop listening to their music on repeat and watching live performances and looking at pics like AAAAAHHHHHH WHY IS THEIR MUSIC SO GOOOD?????? WHY IS IT PERFECT?????? WHY WERE THEY SO GENDER???????
(songs I am feeling intense brainrot over rn in case you're curious: "I Want The One I Can't Have(live)", "Stretch Out and Wait(live)", "You Just Haven't Earned It Yet Baby", "Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others(demo)", "What She Said", "The Boy With The Thorn in His Side(live)"(p.s. I Want The One I Can't Have is Martian-coded to me, pls listen)(also it reminds me of that movie I watched yesterday)
#i want the one i cant have is playing on repeat in my brain rn and i watched a live performance and i was tearing up. why am i like this#the live versions of their songs are just incredibly good like at an insane level to me#i know the guitar is very complicated bcs my brother is equally obsessed w the smiths and rants to me abt how hard their music is to play#so the fact that their live performances are equal if not better than their studio versions is crazy#and i love the way he sings in live versions AAAAHHHH like just so over the top and dramatic#i absolutely love singing along to music and their songs are perfect bcs i can be as dramatic and loud as i want#and that hes singing perfectly and dramatizing it so much also while dancing along to it on stage??????#their music has an energy to it in every single aspect that no other band will ever be able to reach for me#i spent so much of today just dancing along to their music and singing over the top. i just felt so joyful 🥹🥹🥹🥹#GAAAHHHH sorry i just am really in it rn hahaha#its just crazy to me ig that ive listened to these songs so many times and they still fill me with such emotion#my mom sings and dance along w me tho shes like 'wow youre so energetic today did you hit your head or smth' 😭😭😭#also was losing my mind looking at their pictures today and gahhhhhhhhb such gender envy their gender is unmatched to me#but its so funny every time i get gender envy over smiths era morrissey +#because theres some pics of my dad from that same period of time when he was younger where he literally looks exactly like morrissey#SIR WHY DID I NOT INHERIT YOUR LEVEL OF GENDER???????(my dad was a icon sjdkkd we look alike tbh)#anyways: i feel very joyful and energetic about their music. they just make me so happy and i want to dance around again 🥹#i think this recent lapse into the pit was bcs i listened to the demos/live versions on The Queen is Dead deluxe edition#and im like ....how the fuck are they this fucking good??????#hehehe tho my passion has affected others 🤭#my brother is learning some songs on guitar atm and waxes poetic abt their instrumentals#my dad always listens to their entire discography when he needs background music. and my mom sings and dances w me#sorry this is unhinged i just feel a lot of serotonin bcs their music and i need to infect other people LMAO#maybe i need to make another web weave#catie.rambling.txt
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Have you ever thought about how Linebeck describes Jolene as "crazier than a rabid squid"- only to then be possessed by a literal rabid squid later in the game?
Cause I sure have- especially after seeing a lot of your BellumxLinebeck stuff
mmmmghmm im gonna be honest i haven't thought about it much at all
linking it to my bellum x linebeck thoughts, im not too sure what to make of it in context with my other linebeck notes and w/e
there's also my idea that linebeck has a special interested in shellfish and by extension squids, and the idea of him having a weird thing for bellum, and just... enjoying sealife, and it's kinda of...
he compares her to a rabid squid to link in order to i think... offer a shorthand explanation of what she's like, and i think it (with some other stuff) is kinda just another little peek into how he might feel abt her?
i mean he also compares link to a dog in that one letter? i'm not sure where im going with that one. i dont think linebeck particularly likes dogs
i'm not sure abt the link between that and him getting possessed, jolene is kind of just... there a lot of the time and doesn't really do anything except 1) show that linebeck has enemies and 2) show that people know about link's quest by the end, linebeck generally references sea creatures a few times in ph
relating to bellum x linebeck, i dont see him comparing jolene to a squid an indicator of anything in relation to that, with linebeck having a thing for bellum its more of like. there's a lot of complicated ideas i have with what goes on between them during bellumbeck and bellum being a squid thing is more linebeck having a bit of a monsterfucker streak and having a bit of a thing for like. being tied up. as for literal squids he kinda just likes them as food and to dissect and learn about
like i think 'rabid squid' is more like linebeck just tossing out some derogatory shorthand to explain how he thinks of jolene as some fucking. violent annoyance he has to deal with that he doesn't fully understand
tbh i see the comparison but imo it comes down to a difference in characters and interactions and histories, there is the rabid squid thing (and i think in the manga too theres a vague parallel drawn ig) but im not. sure. what there is there just beyond. linebeck talks about sea creatures and wants to get the fuck away from jolene
i'm not entirely certain what you've been thinking about with that comparison, but i haven't been thinking much about it and it's kinda. eh ig???? its something
#asks#musicncomics#like im gonna be real jolene is a character i do everything i can to avoid half of the time#im not too sure what your thoughts on this are but i can tell you like jolene leagues more than i do so like. idk#idk i have a hard time talking abt jolene bc i Do Not like her so im not really sure beyond this stuff its just. idk#bellum also isnt a literal squid like looking at actual squids the most comparisons are surface level and dont work too deeply#he kinda just looks like one at first glance but 1) doesnt line up well enough and 2) we dont have enough info on him anyways#hes more a reference to a squid than an actual squid bc there is the reference to sperm whales and giant squids fucking hating each other#but while oshus is literal whale bellum is like. some thing in the shape of a squid#im not sure what parallels oyu can draw between the jolene thing and bellum thing. if anything theyre opposites?#w/ jolene its like things got so bad (or w/e) that he just robbed her n fucked off and she decided that was enough to warrant murder#while with bellum things get so good (w/ link and co) that he risks his life for em and is turned against them for it?#tbh this kinda comes down to me having a pretty negative bias against jolene and. that ship. so yeah sorry#im not gonna give this any main tags or anything this is way too far off the beaten path and kinda negative#idk i hc linebeck as gay and a lot of other linebeck hcs just kinda. suggest that he kinda had a really shit time w/ jolene#i dont like her im trying to figure that shit out so i can be like. fair at least in how i write her but i dont like her#salty talks#sorry that i keep tearing away from the rabid squid thing but its like a minefield when i try to talk abt anything w/ jolene#theres not a ton of parallels or like shared themes or w/e and its just too dissimilar in little ways that its just. a thing#ill add this in a few hours later idk if youll see jt but like. i can go in depth and discuss stuff#in dms like im fine with that its just weird in posts bc like tagging and my thoughts are a mess#like if you wanna elaborate on your thoughts thats fine
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i just got done with my third chiro appointment, and like. I've noticed a significant improvement in terms of how much pain I'm in but I'm also noticing i can't like. stay sitting up. I can sit, which isn't always the case, but the muscles in my back are so loosey goosey/ not responding/ spasming that I keep curling forward until my head is almost pressed to the bed in front of me while I'm sitting cross legged. Don't know what that's about but it's affecting productivity something awful.
#like#i have shockingly good muscle tone considering how little i can move so this isnt a strength issue.#Ish. Like. the thing with eds is that if you have it severe enough your muscles have to pick up the slack for your ligaments#which results in you building way more muscle than you would expect#I cant lift more than 25lbs in like a bag or something without dislocating my elbows/shoulders#but i can bench 180~ and barbell squat my own weight#its just a matter of not pulling on anything#Tbh i think this is just the level of Nonsense that happens when my muscles arnt constantly tense.#my ligament structure isnt sturdy enough to work without that extra reinforcement#Anyways ive needed a back brace since i was 12 but insurance wont pay for it and like fuck am i able to shell out the 20k myself.#Ive looked into corsets but my proportions are so weird that id need a custom pattern#which is Pricey to get from a reputable company. like 2-3k which is better than 20. but still out of reach.#Im not confident enough in my drafting ability to make one myself.#seeing ms.banner. a real and skilled seamstress who knows what shes doing. lay herself out with a bad corset pattern is kinda#a good sign that maybe i an idiot whos sewing experience is stuffed animals and quilts. should not fuck around with my spinal health#I think id be more comfortable doing it myself if there were more mens corset patterns and more examples of how non#lingerie mens corsets are like. meant to work#i dont exactly need bust support. and most women's corsets dont have the shoulder support mens do. and thats like.#the area im most scared about fucking up bc its already a nightmare#tbh when i get the sg shop open im putting all the profits into a savings account and just working hard to get the budget to pay#for a proper corset.
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sigh 😔
#so fucking frustrated with my sleep rn!#was trying to fix it so last night i slept like??? 3/4? hours?#and i literally refused to go anywhere near my bed all day. made sure i was always doing something and i waa quite productive tbh#only to feel exhausted at 10.30pm and think ok. Maybe you can sleep now and get a full sleep then wake up early#i can usually only sleep 6 hours at a time which is enough for me i think#anyways so i fall asleep. only to fucking wake up at 11pm. so i basically just had a nap#and i know what im like. i wont be able to sleep for at least a couple hours now so basically my sleep was fucked#i tried so hard to just force myself to lie back down and try to sleep again but i couldnt do it#i know its not that big a deal but im just so. fucking tired. and i guess i just kinda hate how hard i tried to sort my sleep just for it#to fail so miserably. like its usually not great. hasnt been for years but this is honestly on some other level.#anyways idk why im here complaining about it. will probably delete this later. time to go do whatever awake ppl do i guess#le text post
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also new game plus is fun so far because everything feels slightly easier but at the same time i can tell enemies have been bumped up, so i can't get stupid or i'll die.
#shitpost#reminds me of smtiv cycles tbh because like#i play around a lot in smtiv and you can totally die if you fuck around too much#b/c armor is sort of worthless in smtiv so its like. a whole thing#smtiva doesn't have this because for the level cap breaking dlc bosses you have to get nanashi's stats so high to be truly viable for those#that like. the rest of the game becomes a huge joke and like. you can't really die#like. literally#the parts in story where you're supposed to die#including to aldramelech!!!!!#nanashi can just SURVIVE it or dodge. while the story pretends obviously that you still died#its just sort of funny really#anyways. lies of p reminds me of smtiv ng+ with how you can still pay for shit#tho im pretty sure lies of p will get like unbearably hard later (probably somewhat close to how the first run felt tbh)
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...
#oof. it as been a very very long day. so much talking. all day talking and interviews#and so far my feelings are mixed. bc it is a smaller university and its underfunded and cost of living is kinda high#and the town is small and isolated. HOWEVER#the faculty feels like a strong community and theyre all amazing scientists who choose to b there bc the quality of life is so high#they seem extremely supportive and the fact its small means that i could probably get around better given my intense anxiety around driving#and i could literally just walk to hiking paths rather than having to drive way out. and its fucking so beautiful. the clouds r gorgeous#bc theyre all conpressed by the mountains around this lil valley. also the potential advisor seems amazing. the grad students have good#things to say and hes excited that im interested in the things im interested in. and i talked to an astrobiology guy and he was like u#should apply for X grant and i would b happy to help u and the advisor is a former nasa post doc so he has nasa astrobiology connections.#so those r some pretty great things. i mean. of the schools im looking at this one would prob be the best for my brain tbh#i mean the uk one is too rigid in structure and i cant fuck around so much as at a us school. and the east coast on is hard to say no to bc#its a good school with lots of funding and opportunities to b creative but i would have to hard core get my shit together and hes quite#hands off. and id b living in the city which sucks. so like. i mean this school is kinda looking like the best choice for me. definitely#the healthiest. i mean assuming i dont fuck it up and get the offer after this weekend. but yeah. i mean im not fully in love i think#and the idea of commiting to 5years here is terrifying but id get a lot of support that i dont think ive really ever had. not that my#current boss isnt great but our lab is kinda disconnected. and i really fit in perspective wise in my interests. and id get to work at#[redacted] national park. which is so cool that i might have to unredact it if i end up here bc its so fucking next level#not that the national park i have access to now isnt awesome but. like its next level awesome and i could maybe wiggle may way into maybe#some arctic systems and i bet i could get my current boss to send me desert samples. so yeah i could def see a life here#but fuck i dont want roomates with all my heart. y does it have to b so expensive for a trash apartment? bleh#god. im so tried. so much talking. but a good day. and im going skiing tomorrow bc like thats a thing here lol#unrelated
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struggling very hard to feel connected to my femme identity and feeling big grief about that
#like idk#theres so many complex feelings and shit involved#but like i cannot deny that the femme community by and large equating the femme experience and struggle#to that of someone who is thin and on some level attractive is really fucking w me mentally#cause its like when there's femme positivity in general i cant relate#cause when its general femme positivity it focuses on validating queerness - but mine is never invalidated because ive always been Other#when its fat femme positivity its usually describing someone with a body still smaller than mine or only talks about rolls and tummies bein#good and often times the default in those is WHITE fat femmes#general positivity for femmes of color feels nice tbh#but even then i dont feel femme enough because femmes are always talking about being hyperfeminine and subverting femininity#and as someone who has never really quite fit in any manner hyperfemininity for me ends up being simply just wearing a dress#the amount of vitriol i get for just wearing a dress#hell even just a skirt#idk there's so much wrapped into these feelings and it feels liek the only ppl who ever understand are fat brown femmes who were also#masculinized/othered from the start and remain othered for the most part#which is such a small fraction of ppl ive met irl bc a lot of ppl like me usually just hide#and i get it#i do it too#its just hard to connect sometimes because i Know im femme but when the acknowledgement of femme existence centers mostly on the femmes who#are closest to the default......
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Everything has bad textures and if I get an unexpected crunch it’s over, never eating it again
#yes it’s hell trying to order anything pre-made#there are several vegetables I can’t eat unless prepared very specifically#my party trick is trying to eat a raw tomato and immediately retching into the sink#my body is constantly convinced that everything I eat is trying to kill me#there’s just so many bad textures and flavors in the world#why can all savory things be like pasta and all sweet things be like Cinnabons#spicy things are good as long as its the right flavors with the spicy#fermented things are the devil#broccoli and snow peas are the only good green things#onions have literally all the worst textures imaginable at every level for#raw to cooked they are horrible. but the problem is they taste good#leeks seem to be the only kind of onion that doesn’t cause me like 5 kinds of sensory distress#so yeah I basically find one (one) meal at any given restaurant that I can tolerate without having to completely change it#and then I always order that. because it’s too hard and people don’t get paid enough to do all the shit that needs to be done for me to eat#I can sit there and spend my whole meal surgically dissecting my food so I can eat it#it’s standard practice#I’m very good at getting every bit of fat off the meat. I can’t eat the skin on chicken either#my knife skills are amazing at this point tbh#most perfectly sliced meats you’ve ever seen#cant peel a potato to save my life though lol
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