#its hard enough for my autism to stick with what it wants and what it hates

[heroesbrine]

the lovely debate within myself of "is my autism changing my taste in food without warning or did this company change the recipe of this hyper-specific product without telling us"

[ambrosiagourmet]

I notice no one has asked yet so for the character thing: laios! Or if you want to go for a less common one: the winged lion

Laios!!!!!!

First impression

Honestly its hard to even limit this within the confines of starting the actual manga. I genuinely think I'd have to say my real first impression of Laios was the "autism be damned, my boy can work a grill" joke that gets passed around a lot 😭

Impression now

Older brother.

Loves his friends and family so much. Let him infodump!!!!! A guy that can character arc so hard he becomes a king because its the only way to deal with the things he can no longer let himself look away from. A guy who wants to eat a good meal. A guy who wants everyone to eat a good meal.

A guy who can be all that and still kind of pettily complain that he doesn't get to hang out with monsters anymore & can mope about it soooo annoyingly. A guy who decided to eat the concept of all-consuming hunger because it was the only way to deal with the problem so he might as well try. A guy who can completely change his life by deciding to share his special interest. A guy who can imitate a dog really well.

Favorite moment

Don't make me choooose... okay I'm gonna do three:

1. Assembling Falin's bones with Marcille

The humor. The patience. The slow realization that, despite how absurd of a task it is, it is actually all possible. The moments of admiration for the way skeletons work, the love of the details, the care of assembling all three skeletons just to make sure they get Falin right. Iconic scene.

2. Killing Falin

"Unable to make myself accept. Unable to make myself resist" lives in my soul now idk what else to say. Life is so vibrant and horrifying and raw and beautiful and to let yourself fully be a part of it you must take up space. You must consume. You must fight. You must take and be taken from. Ourgh

3. Talking Marcille down

I love that he looks so goofy on his way up to her. I love the context of how much he refuses to give up on her leading up to this, and how he refuses to give up on her now. I love how everyone is part of this scene, but he's the first one to cross the threshold. I love how she almost blows him up but can't do it (fun fact: this exact situation/post was how she killed Mithrun a couple of chapters ago. It was close).

I love the way he appeals to her mostly just with messy honesty, and I love the silly three rules callback. It's such a sweet chapter.

Also honorary mention for the final page of the story, which gets me every time.

Idea for a story

I'm actually currently fiddling with a longer story concept dealing with the question of Laios needing an heir. Dungeon Meshi is grounded enough in politics that it genuinely feels like a question that the characters will have to grapple with at some point. At the same time, there's no way that like arranged marriage and even having kids in general are not messy topics for Laios and I don't think anyone involved would want to force him to be miserable.

(I also don't personally like the idea of Falin as his heir ftr, bc I think forcing Falin into that role sucks and I don't think anyone would go for it)

So how DO they deal with the issue? Idk! I might write a long meandering story about it! Maybe! I want to, at least.

Unpopular opinion

Ughhhh I don't realllly want to poke this with a stick but yeah I definitely think my most generic (apparently????) Unpopular Opinion with Laios is just that his relationship with Marcille is meaningful and loving. I personally don't view it as romantic and they mean a lot to me as a platonic-life-partners kind of thing, but I also think that dividing relationships in general into Ships TM and Definitely Not Ships isn't really appealing to me personally. I just care them.

(at the same time I really do worry about trying to write about them and it being taken as romantic despite me very intentionally not framing it as such. idk, navigating this stuff is complicated.)

Favorite relationship

UGHHHH LIKE. It is probably him and Marcille. But it's so hard to rank that against him and Falin. Both relationships mean a lot to me and I love them and I love to think about them.

Because him and Marcille have more on the page interactions to dig into and because I don't see them discussed as much, I do tend to gravitate to Marcille & Laios stuff above all else. But like.... don't make me actually commit to picking.

Favorite headcanon

I can't think of a strong answer for this so I'm going to make one up on the spot: I think he giggled to himself soooo much when he included the winged lion in his king outfit but made it so that it looks like the wolf head is eating it. I think he continues to giggle about it years later. I think he gets dressed in the morning and puts on his cloak and goes "get ate, idiot" as he fastens it around his shoulders.

Oh actually for a more genuine headcanon related to the story thing I mentioned above: I think Laios is really good with kids but would be scared of having any of his own. I think he'd have trouble with the classic "I don't want to mess them up the way my dad messed me up" abused kid struggle.

[anachronistic-falsehood]

OK..U ASKED FOR IT. GIVE ME THE NARRATIVE SIGNIFICANCE OF BOBO EATING THE FUCKING HAIR STRAIGHTENER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but also I want to talk about the Ashe static electricity thing because I love that a lot I love that so very much and I need 2 know ur thought process on that bc it makes me so happy

HELLLOOOOO HELLO!!!! HI!! narrative significance of bobo eating the hair straightener. listen i am holding dakota cole in my hands and shaking him around. he gets hurt and he doesn't take care of it!!! he has fucking meltdowns and hurts himself and others during them without even fucking realizing what he's doing!!!! part of it is the autism for sure and part of it is just general "holy shit this is a teenager in situations he should not be in and is having a terrible time!!" and part of it is probably the demon he ate <3 all three of those things just pushed into the worst concoction of all time to make his brain the worst thing to live in sometimes!!!!

and bobo has seen dakota at his absolute worst. he's been there thru LITERALLY all of dakota's journey including the timeskip!!! he is a tiny little monkey and his lil brain doesn't understand everything but he is like dakota's service animal this is so fucking canon 2 me. if u hurt dakota cole i think bobo will Fucking Get You. even if ur an inanimate object. bobo helps w dakota's meltdowns (i like 2 think he wraps all eight of his weird little limbs around dakota's torso and squeezes. pressure stim!!!!! not restraining but comforting and grounding) and once dakota's calm then bobo immediately starts trying to fight whatever it is that hurt him. he's eating that fucking hair straightener until it learns to not hurt his dakota when he's holding it!!! (not understanding that dakota was losing it and probably grabbed the straightener--still plugged in bc theyre fucking stupid and dont UNPLUG THEIR SHIT IN THE BATHROOM!!--by the hot part and didnt even fucking notice until he yanked the cord out of the outlet and threw the straightener so hard it stuck in the wall). bobo is chewing on that thang so it cant hurt his dakota anymore!!! bobo number one dakota cole defender!!!!

ASHEEE MY FRIEND ASHE WINTERS <3 mark winters is a walking energy source!!! and idk how the fuck powers work in this universe like idk if they're hereditary or anything?? but i like 2 think ashe inherited justtttt the tiniest bit of it. barely any but enough that his hair stands on end when he's frustrated or angry (hence the beanie <3 he does not want 2 walk around looking like a porcupine and he also doesnt want 2 cut his hair so he keeps it down with a hat) and when he touches people it's like a 50% chance he'll accidentally give them a small static shock. he wears a lot of wool sweaters because he thinks its funny that it makes the static worse and he'll shock his dad as he passes him in the hallway. the static in the winters household is SO BAD!! doubly worse in the winter bc it's so dry!! they never take receipts when they shop because that shit will stick to their hands and it is impossible to throw them away because they just need to keep trying to peel the fucking paper off each other. mark sets up humidifiers in every single room to help kill some of the static. listening to the radio is hard sometimes because just the winters' presence fucks with the radio waves. even if mark's powers aren't hereditary or he got his powers after ashe was born, i still like to think they've effected ashe from living with his dad!! he'll leave the house with the hair on his arms standing on end and papers clinging to the back of his wool sweater and the first person he touches is getting shocked. sry this turned into a rant. i love u winters family <3

[punk-pandame]

for the kank hc's anon

first i love you, second i love you, and third here's some hc's"

Canonverse

used to put on little puppet shows for baby gaara <3 started with just sock puppets and a cardboard box, but as kank got better at building and started practicing to be a puppet master shinobi, he graduated to marionettes and a little wooden performance stand.

temari claimed to hate said puppet shows but every once in a while she'd give him some spare doll clothes for the puppets that she "didn't want" for her own dolls, and he caught her watching with a smile a few too many times to keep believeing her heehee <3

middle child syndrome to the max. he has a super strong older sister and an even stronger younger brother, both of whom im assuming rasa favored. his father may not have put hits out on him "more times than he can count" (6) but he sure as fuck felt neglected!

i think he never had a canon love interest not because they didn't care enough about him to give him one, but because he doesn't need or want a partner. kankurou is cool taking his time and enjoying life on his own and if he meets someone, cool! but if not its no skin off his back, he's just out here doin what he do anyway

while i love world building and think it would be so cool if they had some sort of significance, i honestly think it'd be hilarious if his face paint designs didn't mean a damn thing. he just thinks they're cool and when he finds a pattern he likes he'll stick with it for as long as he likes it

that being said, he sometimes forgets he can just? switch it up? whenever? like he'll be painting the same shit on his face for three years, thinking to himself how much he hates this design now and wishes he could do another one, and mid-paint job realizes he can just. do that. so he scrubs it off and starts over. usually becomes an all-day affair of testing different styles until he finds one he likes enough to wear for the next few years lmfao

temari and gaara are his official face paint reviewers but he doesn't actually listen to a damn thing they say. he does not want criticism he wants emotional support pls and thnx. and it is 100% mandatory. cancel your appointments, kank is having a Crisis.

when he was younger he changed looks more frequently, and would sorta treat it as a a new-year-new-me type thing. inevitably would go too hard on trying to change his whole personality along with the new look and go back to normal in a week or two, but GOD that week or two was so trying for literally everyone around him asllahdjkgha

Modern AU

obviously he's a furry. loves the "yknow like nya?" meme and still does it, without a single care in the world for who may or may not be embarrassed of it

honestly subscribes to the "i am crazy/cringe but i am free" lifestyle he'll just do and say whatever tf XD

that being said, he really doesn't do anything that crazy. like the craziest thing about him is probably being a theatre kid. he likes performing just fine, but his real passion is in the set-building.

autism be damned, my boy sure can work a nail gun

goes SO HARD for halloween you have NO fucking idea. he's building himself a gundam suit as we speak

gamer boy! loves video games and has a sleek PC set-up. started his twitch channel for gaming but his viewers were actually way more interested in all his supplies in the back and now most of his streams are just him building stuff and talking to chat, but he'll bring back the games when he gets hyperfixated on one or a new game comes out.

special interest in animatronics. he loves them so much and will ramble for HOURS if you let him (please let him please god please let him he wants to talk about them SO bad)

[graveyard-darlingg]

omg you grew lavender! thats so cool! i actually bought seeds and everything but they never sprouted, i also tried growing mango trees from mango seeds but just mold grew on them. im v much a texture eater, im hyper sensitive to all textures due to my autism, i actually can’t wear denim because it feels like sandpaper. thank you for saying its fun to learn about me! are you sensitive to anything? i love fruits too but my favorite is mango, which is why i tried growing mango trees lmao, im not much a meat eater, or at least i find most meats aren’t seasoned enough when cooked, but jerky is so good, i’ve actually made it myself before with a dehydrator and soaking the meat overnight in a sauce

i’m not sure what climate lavender needs,, but i grew them like,, up north a bit! lavender can be hard to grow tbh 😭😭 i’ve never tried to grow mango trees,, hrmmm. maybe that also has something to do with climate? or maybe watering and stuff? i’m not sure!

i totally get the texture eating and clothing textures and stuff. it can be really hard. and of course!! i mean it :D mangoes actually used to be my favorite fruit,,

i am a texture eater through and through. i can’t eat mushrooms and onions have to be cooked a certain way or i cant eat them. it makes me super upset and uncomfortable and it like,, makes me feel like something is wrong with my skin 🧍🏻‍♀️😭 i also dont like calamari and fish for the same reason :/ and clothing is hard for me too. i have to shop in the mens section for shirts because most shirts in the women’s have sleeves that are too short for me. i dont like denim jackets either, and i cant rub my legs when im nervous because it makes my fingers feel,, wrong. too sensitive and they tingle in a bad way. i dont like when my clothes stick to me in certain ways either,, i could go on but i would be yapping a lot 😭😭

mangoes are suuuuper yummy. they are one of my favorite fruits ever. i like when they’re soft but not too soft it gets grainy yk what i mean? how do you like your mangoes? i totally get the seasoning thing. i can’t eat bland foods,, its a whole problem. i drown everything in hot sauce ☝🏻🤓 but its really cool that you’ve made jerky before :00 i’ve wanted to do that for so long!! was it yummy? what did it taste like? was it similar to umm,, like packaged jerky?

[brandnewhuman]

Hey pookie it’s ya boy @what-are-you-willing-to-do I wanted to do a mash up 😍 

I’m 5’11 275 pounds so I’m a big bitch 😍. I’ve got really curly hair that I wanna dye half blonde. (Fun fact I want a mustache 😭) and I’m an INTP with a shit ton of anger issues. I have depression, severe adhd, social anxiety, ied and I’m getting screened for autism. I’m usually really sweet with people I don’t know like sickly sweet but around people I’m close with I’m really funny and raunchy. I usually try to be really serious but end up goofing off because that’s who I am. BIG METAL HEAD. I’ll send you my fucking playlist bro like fr- I’d like to dress up 80s trade goth but usually just go simple with a metal t shirt and jeans. And uh yeah that’s the basics knock yourself out 😍

(If your still doing them of course-)

I paired you up with...

♡ Michael Myers ♡

(Rz version)

ONE OF MY FELLOW GREMLIN COMRADE HAS REQUESTED A MATCHUP? FROM MOI? LET'S FUCKING GOOOOO

This unit of a man is a big stronk boy at the whopping height of 6'8. Personally, my size kink wouldn't allow me a single day of peace with someone like him

I thought about giving you Bo but it didn't end up convincing me as much as our myers babygirl here. I did a quick search and this version of Michael is a isfp which are likely to get along with your mbti type

About the anger issues this can seem like out of character but this Michael is the calmest out of all three but he does have his fair share of anger. I feel like he would understand more deeply how does it feels and in some way knows how to and to not react when you're angry, and even how to help you to calm down. He's as always a man of few (he doesn't talks) words but he communicates so much through small actions. Like I genuinely think his love language is being there when you feel the most sad or bad, doing what he wish someone would've done to him when he was feeling like shit.

You being sweet with people you don't know it's probably what saved you from being killed. This man has never known an ounce of actual kindness besides from his mom so to find someone who treats him like he's an actual human being with emotions is a pretty big deal. He knew he was gonna stick around the moment he first laid his eyes on you. Appreciates the funny side too, you kind of make him feel more alive and energetic. He likes the fact you trust him and like him enough to be this relaxed around him and even if you can't see it bc the mask he smiles quite a lot when he's around you

SEND ME YOUR PLAYLIST I WANNA SEEEE. Have you seen this man? You can not tell me he's not a metal head too, maybe he tends to like more classic rock but he enjoys how hard and aggressive metal music is. He will definitely pester you into listen to music with him and occasionally will come back home after killing with posters of your favourites for you. He finds music as a way to bond with you and tries to make you listen to songs that have some sort of meaning for him so you can get to know him without the need to get all personal

Help this man to dress better cause all that height and that pretty face deserve pretty outfits. Would love things like band tees or band sweaters ecc he really just allows you to do with him what you will as long as you don't try any funny business by pulling off his mask.

BRO I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. IM SORRY ITS TOO SHORT BUT I'VE TRIED MY BEST

Song recommendation time!!

[kabretoss]

I've been trying really hard over the last couple of years or so to branch out and make new friends, especially online, after spending several years ollied out of any sort of group online experience, and I had forgotten how gotdang hard it is to find a comfortable shared online space.

I know what happens: it's a familiar pattern! It's happened almost every time I've tried to join a new group! But I haven't yet found a way around it.

In the interests of dissecting the pattern and taking away some of its power, I'm going to sit here and have a little think about it. Navel-gazing behind the cut.

The cycle usually goes:

Find cool new online space

Join up and lurk for a while

Once I've parsed the group language and behaviour norms, get more comfortable participating

(if it goes well) Honeymoon period where I'm having fun and it feels like I'm making connections

Bump in the road (usually RL stuff interfering, but sometimes community drama, or some social faux pas on my part)

Either I withdraw a little to recoup or other people withdraw from me or both

Death spiral of decreasing engagement and feeling left out.

This comes with all sorts of brainworms ("wow I guess I never really fit in if it matters this little that I'm not there", "it was foolish to try because I'm always going to be faking being a Real Person, so this stacks", etc). It's always stuff I recognize as catastrophization, as unfair to others and therefore business for me and my therapist and no one else.

But it does end up feeding the death spiral, because I think when you can't be chill about being in a space, other people can smell it, and the last thing I ever want to do is bring that stink. That's what the death spiral's made of: staying away from a space when that space or the content in it is the subject of considerable distress, which leads to disconnection from what's going on in that space, which leads to further distress, which etc. This is a part I'm not sure what to do about or with.

Overall, though, there's usually two approaches: Stick it out and hope for things to get better, or call it and move on. This is not intended to be a maudlin statement, just one of fact: sticking it out has never once worked for me.

Sometimes coming back to a space a couple years later, with distance and perspective, works; it's part of why I cycle through a few online spaces periodically.

(Some of that, too, though, is the mixed fear/desire to get close to people. This is the autism brain at work: I have had too many "friendships" over time that I realized were one-sided, and the really sad thing is sometimes they were one-sided in that they thought they were friends with me and I saw them as an aquaintance. Not as often as the other way around, but still! I don't want to hurt people and I recognize that that hurts! But I'm also human: I crave human connection. I crave friends that care and with whom I can relate, and I deeply crave feeling as if I am permitted to care about other people. Which for some reason I usually feel that I'm not permitted to do. That's another one for my therapist, lol.)

A lot of my problem is that fitting in in a space is usually an effort of masking. I know people who are incredible at masking to fit a space; I am mid. I can pull it off to an extent but there's a point at which I don't make the grade. (I think of this like the fitting-in eerie-valley: even if other people can't tell me what's off, something's off enough about the masking that it just makes them uncomfortable.)

Again, this isn't meant to be maudlin: this decades of trial and error. I would love to unmask in a space and just make friends with who vibes with me-as-I-am, but I've seen how people like me get treated when they just act like themselves. Even by other ND people. It's rough out there, yo.

(One of the things a lifetime of masking's taught me is how to love and appreciate people who communicate differently than I do: the thing is, I don't find that grace is often extended to me. It's something you have to learn to do and a lot of people just don't have motivation or incident to pick up the skill.)

I do think the worst part of this pattern is the repeated lesson of alienation.

It becomes erosive, over time; the thing is, it's not the fault of the space, or the people in it, or even (I'm telling myself) my own fault, beyond however much my autistic and social deficits are my "fault". But it IS alienating, and I'm closer to forty than thirty, and I'm not sure at this point if I'll ever get the knack. (Just to be clear, that part is maudlin and I'm going to just roll with it, because I am feeling sad just now.)

I'm sure there are people that have gotten through or past it or around it, and I'm going to keep trying, because the alternative is giving up, but... I'm tired, and I'm sad, and honestly I'm kind of lonely for a particular type of friend-connection I keep hearing about other people having, and not finding myself.

Maybe the trick is to try and find the silver linings.

The one or two people you come out the other end with as friendships that have a chance to persist outside the space.

The friendly acquaintences who will greet you cheerfully in the future in some other shared space you both find yourself in.

You never know when a friendship is going to bud up out of the mycelium of people you've met, like a mushroom that just needed the right conditions. The thing is, I almost never fade out of a community because I dislike the people there; if I've spent the time to get invested, it's probably chock-full of people I admire and adore.

[localgardenweed]

Im in a constant war with myself on changing my persona cause i wanna get a haircut this summer cause little fact i have wavy/curly hair and i always struggle to maintain it cause i dont have the energy to brush it when its long and its hard for me to wash it properly cause im stupid as fuck so i wanna chop it Dora style maybe get some form of those curtain bangs of my dreams or like a thin block bang thing going on, o used to have a thick ass full one as a kid but it kept poking my face so we had to cut it. Which also sucks cause I HAVE A SENSITIVE FACE I used to cry if my parents put too much lotion on me at a time i have to be dry, my body is a dessert but my face wants to be soft so we had to do it in layers. For this im and constantly peer reviewed for autism by my autistic friends. Also on my hairline i have “baby” hairs and dude when you meet me irl or hell dig deep enough online or just ya know look thru a few of my tiktoks idk though if its noticeable but MY HAIR LIKE SHOOTS OUT ITS FORMABLE. I dont know how to describe it or hell take care of cause it wont stay down it always dries quick and sticks out after a few hours. The only way to tame it is by soaking it and shaping it cause like i made a Lupin Cosplay and i needed that hair tamed so i soaked it in water and conditioner and curled it around my fingers and let it dry and had to constantly rewet and recurl all day

IF I DONT DO SHIT TO IT I COME HOME FROM SCHOOL LOOKING LIKE THIS

ITS EMBARRASSING ITS AGONIZING ITS SHITTY WHY WHY WHYYYY When i was going into middle school i fully believed i was gonna start getting out right bullied for that but no i got a bit of that up and coming psychological bullying but i was so fucking stupid to notice and usually just didn’t get it or noticed it immediately and just pushed through. Victim of the Oreo Game ✊. Holy shit ive been getting so off track with this post BACK TO THE PERSONA THING. So yeah if i change it i wanna like shop off her hair go Dora Style OR a very tiny itty bitty ponytail. Maybe add more hairclips to her hair cause im getting back into those to calm the demon “baby” hairs, it kinda works it saves me from looking crazy at work but the issue is i weirdly have more hair on one side that the other so they always slip and slide and look uneven at the end of the shift. But in drawings that doesn’t have to happen!!! I like a-lot of star clips cause im a loser and gold cause il a gold gurly idc if it doesn’t make my skin tone or anything I DO WHAT I WANT, i was predestined gold with my earrings i basically popped out the womb with and i will stay gold IMMMA STAY GOLD JOHNNY PONYBOY STAYING GOLD. Also may give a her a new outfit cause shes had a new outfit the persona i have in my intro is a little old cause now she wears jeans and sneakers instead of sweatpants and combat boots which i still wear i live and breathe in sweatpants but my persona doesn’t have as much sensory issues so she gets to wear whatever. I can wear jeans jut not certain ones or i die and kill myself. I wanna experiment and maybe give her seasonal outfits too but idk i just UGHH i need her to be the epitome of swag. SWAGGGG swag.

[funkylittledemon]

autism and emotions is so.... well it fucking sucks is what it is. i need my mind to slow down for a second to get all these thoughts down bc i will explode if i dont get them out there (hence why this post - only bee is gonna see this & knows me enough to be worried for more than an hour or so and if i put this where nobody can see it aint actually out there) (wassup bee dw i am okay)

anyway

i say that life is just getting to me rn and it is but thats too vague a statement. current affairs (an impartial term but a useful one here) are getting to me - I'm trying to navigate adulthood while it feels like the life i was promised is being taken away by whatever event you want to pick; global warming, late-stage capitalism, multiple genocides, the list goes on. and I'm one of the lucky ones!! how fucked up is that! so there's that constant stress hanging above my head.

then there's more abstract life: navigating uni and living alone and looking after myself while forming relationships and starting to try carve a path for myself. this one isn't as bad but still can't be ignored and the fact that interpersonal relationships have become so scrutinised through social media doesn't help. no matter the insecurity you have or your own specific factors there will be someone online telling you your worst fears are right - i cant say how many times ive scrolled past a reel saying that i havent had a message back because "he" doesn't care. does the person saying this even know I've seen it, let alone who i am or who "he" is? No!! but the sentiment sticks with you despite only seeing it for 3 seconds before scrolling on, despite logically knowing it can't apply to me because its a catch-all statement to everyone who feels insecure pushed onto us by an algorithm that thinks we want to hear that. social media is feeding into our fears and insecurities and we can't stop it. as an autistic person whos insecure as fuck and who knows they dont understand a lot of societal cues being told by some random person that im right to be insecure really doesn't help - i get the idea of something stuck in my head and bc i know its bs i try get it out which cements it further into my mind and lends it credence.

then there's uni itself - i am now faced with the realisation that everything leading me up to uni and my course has been about me helping other people, often to my own detriment. i chose a counselling course because i was always the therapist friend, the one who everyone else went to for help. and wouldn't you know it I've been burnt out for years and literally don't have it in me to help strangers, or give a shit about their lives. i cared so much and made my entire life about helping other people that i had no idea what i wanted to do. im switching to just psychology now, because it is interesting and i do enjoy it but im kind of lost now i dont have that purpose. it also scares me just how much of my life hadn't been about me at all and im still not sure who i am if im not helping someone. obviously thats the dramatic version but you get the gist. uni's been a wakeup call i wasn't prepared for and theres the work and exams on top of that

christ this is long. okay. what else was there. emotions. god i hate emotions. this is the hard bit. all my emotions are so so big and i am so so small and it feels like they would devour me whole if they could. anxiety is a big one. recently pretty much all ive been feeling is anxiety - a deep anxiety that makes me nauseous pretty much 24/7. last week on friday i had what i call a breakdown. i still dont understand it (which is scary enough - every other breakdown i can disect and point to the cause). i just sarted screaming in the middle of the street and couldn't stop and its making me anxious just typing this up. then there was a day of panic attack after panic attack (lost count after the 4th i think) and then a few days later and some bad decisions (booze. ik i shouldn't have drank but i thought i was ok to drink) i had another breakdown. i dont remember much of this one but it ended in me being locked out and sobbing - security had to let me in and it must've been bad bc the guy gave me a card with hotlines on it. (again, i am okay). i lost my leather jacket that night which both sucks bc i loved that jacket and also the fact that it's gone is a constant reminder of something im ashamed of. after that it was just this constant nauseating anxiety, occasionally spiralling into something more but not significant enough to include. the thing about me and emotions is that my strategy for dealing with them is to ignore and repress them until they're not my problem anymore. which is bad. but idk how to cope with them healthily and when i feel okay i never know if its because i repressed them again or because i genuinely feel okay. being around other people helps but thats probably not a great thing - i hide my emotions from other people to avoid being a burden. not that its always a bad thing that my friends make me feel better its just not a sustainable approach to constantly avoid being alone. i have this constant struggle of feeling emotions so intensely then feeling shame because of how intensely i felt those emotions or how they made me act.

going on from emotions fucking me over and moving on from Life being an issue anxiety is a fucking bitch. all my life I've felt like an outsider and so constantly nervous about everything. it was hell and then in 6th form i made friends who were so so confident and i finally started to relax a little bit more and not feel bad about taking up space. uni was even better! i had flatmates i loved and i was going out doing things I'd never dreamed of and i was making friends!! i barely recognised myself and i loved it!! then the breakdown happened and i was plunged headfirst back into the old cycle of anxiety and going back to that after feeling what life could be like? that was worse than the breakdown. it feels like ive never felt worse and the knowledge that theres no reason for it, that nothing had actually changed other than me and i could still be out there with confidence but i wasn't was such a crushing feeling it felt like i was never gonna feel okay again. dramatic i know but the truth.

im home for easter break now and typing this out has helped and going back to my old stomping grounds has shown me i have still changed and i do still have the confidence even if i couldn't access it for a hot min. I'm still anxious but thats okay. my emotions don't have an all poweful spell over me and anxiety can suck my dick. there's still the fear that I'll go back to uni and it'll all come rushing back however im just gonna see how this break goes. im gonna be alone whether i like it or not while im down here and if i can manage to be okay with that then I'll be fine. and i do have a support system both here and up at university.

[passionategamerotica]

At the Kitchen Table: Autism and Eating

My earliest memory of a meal is one where I refused to eat. I'm not sure what the food was, I think it may have involved mash. But I remember my parents' response to refusing to eat it, was for it to be reheated and given to me the next day. I don't remember any similar acts of defiance. Sometimes if food was very onerous I would refuse it, usually with my Mom who I felt safe and comfortable expressing that discomfort with. But we have a lot of rules in our society about food. Good manners means eating what you are given. 

Most of my memories with food in childhood are pretty positive. I remember eating my Grannie's amazing home cooked meals, it's a feeling that cannot be imitated. However, as I started to process my relationship to eating, I realised it wasn't always this warm feeling. Sitting at the table could feel agonisingly difficult, especially the socialisation involved. In fact it still does, my instinct that I am often repressing even when enjoying time with those I love, is to force myself to leave as soon as possible. Certain textures, temperatures, flavours began to stick out to me not as ones I didn't necessarily like but was repelled by. There was a difference between disliking something and the revulsion I was feeling. The rebellion of my mouth, sometimes over foods I had previously enjoyed felt like betrayal by my own body. Foods I thought were safe for me, sometimes became suddenly antagonistic and I think it reinforced an idea that eating was hard. 

When I left home for university I was not prepared. My disordered eating became very difficult to manage. The mental load of manging what ingredients I required, how to prepare them (despite learning the basics from my Mom and Grannie), how to know when things were still edible was overwhelming. I quickly became dependant on takeaways, pre-prepared meals and foods, but of course they're much more expensive. My disordered eating could easily spiral, if I cooked a meal for myself that was particularly bad, or that my body couldn't let me eat. I could go days with eating very little, trying to reduce my ability to go anywhere food. Sometimes gagging at the thought of putting anything in my mouth. And then binge heavily when of course I was desperate to eat, or if I was upset. My relationship with food swings wildly, from overindulgence to fasting. I struggle to think of times where my eating has been orderly, focused and regular. Probably when people prepare food for me.

That has its own problems. I find it difficult to express to people that I can't eat what they've given me. I'll try and distract people from it subconsciously, moving the food around my plate or just eating the specific parts of the meal I can manage. I know all these rules around food. And I'm sure there's more I have no clue of, but I know enough that I don't want to upset anyone. But that makes eating difficult for me.

Food often feels like my biggest problem, I want to eat, I want to eat balanced, healthy, delicious meals. And at times I feel at war with food. I feel very constrained around food, around meals and around eating. And I don't have a solution to it. It feels like there's something I can't see about food, that there is an extra element beyond taste, or smell or texture that is antagonising me. I'd say the majority of my meals feel wrapped in shame, frustration and disappointment. Frustratingly, it feel like it's all there on the kitchen table, all the ingredients are there, but I can't make the meal. I can't make eating work for me.

[donniesexceptionalmind]

HI! HAVE ART!

I have no idea how accurate the outfit is (and I suck major ASS at drawing hats) but I tried and I hope u enjoy :333 (I also made the lil clip thing for the cape the logo thing (???) yall have bc its cool >:D) (AND ALSO PLS PLS PLS TAKE THIS AN EXCUSE TO RANT ABOUT EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION OR SMTH BC I HEARD U HAPPEN TO RANT A LOT ABOUT AUTISM AND I AM V INTERESTED IN THAT STUFF!!!)

Me when J saw the art:

I actually infodumped about executive dysfunction before!

But I will share some additional information about it because you drew this amazing piece of art & I am very joyous. ✨️

Here is my personal experience:

Executive dysfunction can be really challenging & for me, it is a huge part of all the things that make autism a disability.

The everyday experience as an autistic person is already loaded with stress, anxiety & discomfort - and on top of that we are getting blessed with not being able to do things even though we need to. There is a barrier in our brain that says "No" & you can't do anything about it. You are perhaps paralyzed, doomscrolling social media or just staring at the wall for hours.

The outside perspective of this is always "You are lazy, you are not trying hard enough, just do it", but it is not as easy as that. If it were that easy, we wouldn't be struggling. Because, you know, we DO KNOW we need to get these things done & sometimes we WANT TO get them done!

In short, executive functioning skills are cognitive skills that help us to regulate & control our thoughts & actions. Planning your actions is actually a higher executive functioning skill just like problem-solving.

Struggling with executive functioning can look like:

Not being able to begin a task that involves multiple steps, e.g., cooking a meal - it's just too much to process, too much to do!

Hyperfocus: getting too absorbed in a task so you forget everything around you, including bodily signals like hunger, thirst, tiredness (although hyperfocus can also be a blessing to get things done and/or experience a large amount of joy, especially when it comes to our special interests)

Struggling to reply to messages in time (e.g. my inability to answer inbox messages even though I genuinely want to)

Struggling with decision making, e.g, which task do I do first, what should I wear? Even crucial things like 'Should I get up?'

What helps me:

ROUTINES. Honestly. As an autistic person I have a lot of terrible days, but there are also days that are not too bad. And the perfectionist that I am, on days that are not too bad I try to do as much as possible- which can lead to having a terrible day straight after. BUT I have established a very well basic system of routines & tasks that IF I stick to them, I will be fine (mostly). (If I were sticking to it. It's a struggle. AHEM.)

And it is OKAY to have rituals & routines.

We seek to replicate success when we experience it because it makes us feel safe, grounded & happy!

And also bring order to the chaos that is the world around us - it is REALLY upsetting to live here, isn't it?

For Leon it's incredibly hard to establish routine because of his ADHD & this is a whole new topic to cover.

And yes, it is fairly common that people of all neurotypes have routines.

The difference though:

My day will get significantly worse if I can't do what I have planned or if I miss a segment of an established ritual.

For example, if I can't have my lunch in the time frame I always have it, it will cause physical & mental pain - sometimes to the point of a meltdown if things add up.

As I mentioned before I am sometimes NOT coherent with sticking to these routines & that is because of internal ableism & my own ignorance.

I struggle to accept that I have a disability & that I am not functioning like neurotypicals. Their standard shall be mine, but I can't live up to that standard. This is a problem I still have to overcome.

I sometimes expect too much of myself & burn myself out, blame myself for not achieving goals etcetera. This is not healthy.

There should be a base level of respect for an autistic person's need for routine & compassion when it does get ripped to shreds.

The world is unpredictable. Unexpected changes will happen if we want it or not.

I hope I was able to provide additional input! /g

[hoardofshinythings]

Hauled In To Fandom Kicking and Screaming

Look. I usually dance along the periphery of fandoms, ones I have actually watched the shows of and ones I am literally just in it for one or two good fan fiction writers. It is VERY rare I see a character and it actually makes me want to get in to a fandom. My ADHD/Autism combo makes it hard for me to get in to the mood to watch shows okay? Movies maybe. but series? oh lordy I have been bitten and burned so many times I am gun shy as heck with getting in to watching a show. I have gotten involved with to many shows for them to get axed for attracting the 'wrong' fans (Teen Titans, Motor City), or bizarre choices to take everything that attracted people to the first seasons and toss them in the trash and stick a sexy white woman in peril as the main into it's place. Weirdly specific but the fact it has happened several times is... something (Grimm, Sleepy Hollow). Or later episodes fall down the Stairs of Stupid Out of Character Decisions and Mistakes An Idiot Plot for a Plot Twist. I'm sure at least a few shows popped in your head at that one!

So I am .... reticent.... to get in to anything these days. Enter Eddie Munson.

Look. Stranger Things is in the background of the internet fandom zeitgeist. Okay creepy monsters, 80's, people actually LOOK like they are from the 80's and aren't airbrushed into an inch of their lives. Made a huge splash in its first season then kinda... floated in the background for the next few seasons.

Nothing about it really grabbed me. Looked fun. Not enough to attract my scraggly feral arse.

Then THIS little curly haired muppet man starts showing up on my dashes.

Eddie before disaster.

See. I KNOW this fucker. See I was a wee barely existing bean in the mid 80's. I have a brother who is over a decade older then me who thankfully I grew up having a great relationship with. So he was a TEENAGER during the 80's. Closer to Henderson's age then Munson's during 86. But I look at this fucker, and I KNOW him. Eddie Munson is the cobbled together pieces of my older brothers friend circle. The hair from one. The weed from another. The fashion from a few of them. My brother was more of a Johnathan type fashion and music wise (not personality), but a lot of his buddies were heavy metal or grunge. And more then half of them were in to DnD and comic books. Two of them were always writing or playing an instrument while hanging out at our house or back yard. They gamed at our house or at the drug dealer guys house (I didn't know he was back then cause again, baby wee me, but I remember he did cool smoke ring tricks and got my younger brother and I a huge pile of dinkies, so A+ dude to me) because hey, GUESS WHAT, the Satanic Panic was even a thing in but fuck nowhere Eastern Canada. My dad was Atheist (GASP) and my mom was vaguely Anglican (Sunday every week for socializing) but had logical heads. Mom was scared at first when my older brother got in to DnD, but despite being a early 20's young mother to two toddlers and a teenage step son with the whisper of church ladies in her ears... she sat down and learned about it. Found out it's just creative writing within a group with math. So we were the one place other than the drug dealers house they could have their games without judgement. Obviously our house was nicer so they were over a LOT. Which with it being the 80's, and both our parents busy nurses overworked and always on call, that resulted in a bunch of teenage scrungey boys babysitting tiny me and baby brother while playing DnD, practicing, hanging out, or whatever. I KNOW this fucker. I know Eddie Munson. All the pieces that make him I know them because I grew up with them. I have NEVER had a character give me a whiplash feeling of nostalgia for the past like THIS MOTHERFUCKER. Yes. I got bitch slapped by a blorbo in to watching a show so I can actually tell if the character is written believably (much more elastic then you think) or if the fandom is full of poop.

So I watched short snaps of just his scenes. God dammit he is Like That. Well NOW I have to go back to the beginning of the show because guess fucking what you shit heads. I want to actually try writing fanfiction. I want to making Eddie Munson SUFFER my twisted form of love.

I haven't done that in over 10 years. I've kept up with character writing, but nothing beyond role play games. This FRIGGER is making me dig up so many things from the graveyard of my fandom enjoyment past I may as well accept my new life as a Necromancer.

The show is meh, I know this, but the world has so many options of PROMISE. MUSIC THEMES. the fucking 80's! The characters, once again, do NOT look like airbrushed, they actually look like 80's awkward kids and adults and people. There's mullet's and mens crop tops and short shorts. All on the background of Modern (ish) Suburban Hidden World Fantasy with a good and proper horror twist. Shitty government fuckery. Monsters. Weird powers with no real explanation as to WHY. POTENTIAL!!!! SO yeah. There was a shiny toy in the sandbox (Eddie Munson) and I'm joining in, cat turds and cigarette butts be damned. I am going to try and slap in my observations of each episode as I go. Have fun watching me hate but love it all.

[decayingblorg]

31/12/2022

I know I am posting this after midnight so it’s technically my 1/1 post, but we shall let this one slide!

Not much happened today really. Just spent the most of it chomping on sweets, drinking alcohol and playing my 3DS

But there is something I would like to reflect on. Truth be told I have always found it incredibly difficult to make friends (it doesn’t help with other issues I have). And has always been a struggle. I grew up feeling “different” and not like I fit in anywhere! I wanted to impress people to they’d like me and want to be “friends” with me. (In later life I was diagnosed with Aspergers. Explains the lack of social etiquette and seeing the world rather differently than the majority of others) and when I left school and a year into college all the people I thought were my friends decided to stab many a knife in my back and stay befriended with the manipulative prick incase they upset him. A grown man can only get friends by bulling people? Says alot about you, arse wipe. All my so called “friends” abandoned me for him incase they made him upset. This boy and his behaviour wasn’t just pointed at me. He used to insult and pick on other kids who were maybe abit bigger than others and or had some form of disability, he was that wretched and disgusting and I was the only one who would tell him to stop bullying people just because they look abit different. Everyone else around us would just play along and laugh at his disturbing ways. (His bullying has gone onto affect me in adulthood which has lead into mental health issues) and I wasn’t afraid to be without all of them. They’re fine to stick with the fat cunt all they like! And continue to be blind to his manipulative machinations! Anyway, getting abit off track there. Even writing about the pratt does still kinda get under my skin. But new year coming up, new start for sure!

Anyway! I have always had that struggle and never truly understood why. But when I was younger my sibling played a game series called Final Fantasy and I was in awe of it because it was something I’d never properly got into before! There was this whole world in several disks for exploring!? Hell yeah, let’s go! And there is what started my love for Final Fantasy as a whole. I was originally bummed I could never get FF11 (I was only a teenager when it came out and obviously wasn’t old enough to play the game and or have a subscription).

So my love of Final Fantasy remained a constant in my life. Through all the hard ships, the constant bullying, the insults and even some of the fights I’ve gotten into. There was that one happiness which spurred me onto keep going, that excitement of escaping to another world and not be in the shite known as reality… I sort of didn’t really think much about it much through most of my teens/older teens and was just into all sorts of anime/manga and things happened and I got abandoned a second time. But that is a story for another day. Obviously from it happening a second time, it really took its toll on me and just made me feel like a loner and an odd one out. Luckily come college I found a few friends and they were great and I still talk to one of them even now (I’ll use the term talk rather loosely there) and a girl there; Louise really did make me feel okay to continue to be different, she wasn’t put off by me or any of my strange behaviour! (It was Autism the entire time)! Sort of went own ways after college but we send each other gifts on Pokémon Go! Real friendship right there! Anyway!

But I’d sort of started drifting away from anime/manga and found myself turning to a game called Final Fantasy XIV which hadn’t long been released and I remember watching my sibling playing it and I really wanted to play it! Always so much hype over a main line Final Fantasy game! (Although we don’t talk about the XIII trilogy) But then the game shut down and that was an end of 1.0 and then I remember a few years later in 2012 they’re were relaunching FFXIV but as A Realm Reborn and I knew that I was going to get into this! I was determined to! A main line Final Fantasy game? Sign me up! Especially meaning that I can experience the game finally! Brought the collectors edition, installed it onto my PS3 and away we go.

Instantly got into it and remember making my first character. He was on Odin and I loved him. A male, blue and white haired Miqo’te (a playable cat race in XIV) and I instantly fell in love with him. I completed everything in that but wanted to go again. So I made the same named character over on Moogle and goodness me am I glad I decided to do that.

I met someone ingame shouting about a free company (XIVs version of a guild) and unbeknownst to myself I was letting myself into a whole different world! I met a friend called “Vapa” and this was in like 2013 we met and became fast friends and got into the game and knowing the leaders and that and we were all firm friends, raiding for awhile and then people started getting bored of playing and would sort of just go off for awhile and randomly appear one day in the future. So I decided to make a Tumblr account for other Moogle players to communicate with and that (there was a whole linkshell made and everything for that, but then stuff happened and it sort of died off) anyway, and Vapa was also a admin for that page and he found two people on Tumblr, on our server that wanted to meet others aswell! (This was all before discord! Back in our day we used teamspeak xD) and so Aida and Mia appeared and now we ended up just chatting and also went onto chatting on PlayStation (Aida also played on ps3 so understands the hardships of XIV on such a console lol) and then Aida came his new boyfriend Lupus who Aida introduced to the game and that was the start of something truly exceptional and remarkable for me. (I also joined a free company before meeting these four and I ended up changing my character from make to female because it felt like “I was living a lie” and now she is female and I haven’t changed it back)!

But still. Meeting them all was great! We’d chat often! Have a laugh and a joke and it was real nice just being yourself and just having a laugh with your friends. Now that is a curious word, with my friends? I barely understood the concept after all the shit I’ve had to endure! But it was the start of a genuine friendship and I never knew how far it would go! But it continued! We played, laughed and just enjoyed playing the game and each others company. Sadly Vapa and I had been out of touch and stuff happened which meant I have to leave him behind for awhile (he had gotten in deep with a particular ginger haired twat being manipulative. I was afraid of being abandoned again and had to just take that step away from him for awhile).

And then it would be that I met a new FC which was shouting saying they were looking for members. And it had happened again. A friendship started emerging from that. Arty, Papa, Hek, Elora and after awhile; Joey would lead onto something just as great as what happened with Mia, Aida and Lupus. It was the start of a friendship that I didn’t think I was ever capable! But they’re a real thing! We all started talking as a group, chatting, laughing and having fun evenings playing all sorts of games and even though I’d not met any of them in person, I knew I wanted them to continue being my friend! And I think that was in like 2015? (That is also the year Aida and Lupus became best friends ;)).

They’ve been there through some of the darkest times in my life. When I went to go and jump off a multi-storey car park because I was just not coping with the continued progress of OCD and how it completely took over my life and I didn’t want to live that way, I couldn’t cope with the constant anxiety in your head, having to do things in certain ways, doing things in even numbers, even avoid going out at a certain time of day was the scariest thing in the world! And I had come to that conclusion that I didn’t want this life, I wanted to end it all, I wanted to die.

Something stopped me that day and I do believe it is their influence/friendship was one of the thing that made me pull back and call for the help that I needed. I ended up calling the police, they come and blocked off the road below and got me away from the tiny wall which was blocking me from my certain demise below. Ended up being sectioned and spent the best part of 2 months in a mental health ward. Then covid struck and was sort of forced out of hospital early so I didn’t get the proper care needed. Went on for sometime and I went to go and top myself again, once more knowing this could be it. But again, called for help. Did a short stint in hospital and was out. Was back in again about 2-3 weeks later. Spent my 2020/21 Christmas and new year in a hospital ward and because I didn’t have my mobile, it was alot harder than you think.

But despite it all, they were my constant. They were my means to go on and strive to get a handle on this. Their love and kindness was one of the things that spured me to continue fighting and get stronger. Truth be told it was all their support (and my family) which wanted me to keep getting stronger. I love each of them very much and all mean a great deal to me. And these were friends who DIDNT abandon me, despite the things I was saying and doing. Their beings transcend such a beacon of light to my life I never knew was capable. Hek, Arty, Papa, Mia, Lupus, Elora and Aida are all extra special and amazing and their love is what makes life worth living alot more. Alot more than wanting to take my own life.

My long standing friend Vapa we did finally talk again and I am so glad we did. He’d gotten himself out of the grasp of that ginger haired twat and we started speaking again. Full glad am I that it happened. He has been there since the beginning and will hopefully continue to be in the future! (It’s been like nearly 9-10 years we’ve known each other haha).

Even after being friends with these people for a good number of years now, I’d always felt I was somewhere I belong. They’ve never been a judgemental bunch of people, just loving and embracing each other for who we are. Being unproblematic themselves and embracing everyone else just for who they are. I longed when I was a kid to find that place I belonged. It took like 22 years, but it happened. Finally, after searching for so long. I can be somewhere I won’t be judged for being different and I can just be myself. Everyone to be honest has their own unique traits aswell and we don’t judge each other for it, we just love each other as we are, just ourselves. We all come from such different walks of life and it just seemed right place, right time happened. I can be my autistic, asexual self and feel liked and wanted. I know this is overly mushy and I usually only save these moments when I’ve had one to many to drink, SO HERE WE ARE! They are each unique, special and wonderful. Each individual has played a part in my life to make it for the better for sure!

But I went from being a lost, 20 year old adult, with no job, high anxiety and just being alone. To actually realising that people do, out there, like you and can be accepting of who you are. To again, that one constant. It all comes back to Final Fantasy. My need to play XIV for myself brought these people into my lives and it’s why I love Final Fantasy so much. In dark times. I looked to the light of FF and found a whole new world, including amazing friends and my blue and white haired cat girl! My WoL is one of my favourite characters because without her, I wouldn’t of met anyone like I have.

If you’ve made it through that long essay then bloody hell, wtf you wasting your time here for!? I’ve been at this for like 45 minutes, I’ve just not wanted to stop writing about my friends. I care for them all and it’s nice to have the feeling returned! (Atleast I hope so xD)

It’s like 2 in the morning here, but I just wanted to get that off my chest/out of my head. I do have other friends I’ve met through various different stages in life but they are a story for another day.

I have other friends also, but they’re in abit of a different category. (Nothing bad I should note! It’s more meeting loads of new people and making new friends on Instagram and they’re totally a story did another day also)

To cut a long story short, I’m super lucky to have these people in my lives and I hope they continue to for years to come! I will be back at blogging tomorrow when it’s 1/1 and it’s my XIV OCs Birthday! I always enjoy celebrating it because she just means a huge deal for me.

AGAIN. FINAL FANTASY. CENTER OF THE WORLD!

[xanonymouscatharsisx]

Cw: abuse

I've been thinking along the lines of grooming lately. Yes because of true crime stuff I've been listening to. But also in how it relates to my own life.

I struggle to call this grooming but I also don't know any other word for it. It feels imperfect but close enough?

My mom had me read A Child Called "It" growing up. Earlier than I think I should have honestly, considering it was a choice in high school for English reports, and I had to ask if I could instead do the third book in the series since I had already read the first two.

I think... I could be very very wrong about this... I think my mom used it as a way to rationalize what she did as not abuse. If you've read the series, or even just this book, this is horrendous what was done to the author as a kid. And so I think my mom had painted it as "this is so clearly abusive and this is the only thing that is abusive, so nothing I do can be abusive." And I think this also maybe coloured her understanding of her past, that this stuff didn't happen to her, so clearly she's fine.

I've tried to talk to her a few times over the years, in private, or even by making blog posts and showing her, to which she says she's sorry and in the case of anything online that I should take it down. Sometimes she later gaslights about a lot of it. But she also never wants to look bad, but then has zero problems badmouthing me to anyone and everyone who will listen.

I remember pretty vividly the first time I remember everything that made me feel shitty. I remembered feeling shitty before but this just sticks so different.

My mom had gotten me chicken soup for the preteen soul. Chicken soup was ALL the rage. I don't think I knew anyone who didn't have a chicken soup book for years. In this particular one, there was a story of a girl, I think in California, who started a charity to buy bulletproof vests for police dogs. I was so inspired.

I got to work, planning, figuring out where I can leave cans to ask for donations, even getting friends to help.

My mom tore my notebook.

Like page from page, everything that had been written on, which was about half the notebook. I still don't remember her reasoning for this.

I was crushed. This was also my favourite notebook, and it was a spiral, and when you take a considerable amount of pages out of those, while still leaving the cover... It doesn't look right. I don't know, I've always hated when you do that to spiral bound notebooks. Looking back, I think this might be an autism thing, but that doesn't really play a part in the story.

I think I told a couple friends about this. They certainly saw the half-notebook that was full the day before. I don't remember specifically telling them anything, but I think I remember telling one friend that I had to hide it from my mom so we couldn't talk about it in the car. It feels like there's some stuff I'm forgetting here, and whether that's because I blocked it out, or from my depression and grief from recent years, I'm not sure.

My heart is breaking for that kid though right now. I remember so vividly feeling almost betrayed and it's the feelings that stick so hard. You had bought me this thing that inspired me so much that I wanted to make change in the world, and then you tore it up. That ends up being a little bit of a theme from here on out.

I had tried to talk to my mom about this at some point. Sort of. I had made a blog post years back on a blog, and then sent it to her. I was having a particularly difficult time with her and just... I don't know what I wanted. I think maybe just to feel seen? And maybe not alone? And understood? She asked me to delete it and we never talked about it again. Ever. Honestly, any time she hurts me, this is brought back, symbolized in my brain by that sad, spiral bound notebook missing half its pages. I can't stress enough how much I loved that notebook.

This is something that I've also been thinking about as it relates to privacy for kids is things like how a lot of girls of abusive moms I know had kept a diary until they found out their mom read it, so they stopped. Before this whole thing, I never had a problem writing in notebooks. After this, I did, and STILL do. The amount of just empty notebooks I have because I'm so scared she's going to rip them apart... For one thing it's a bit of a problem but for another, think of all that wasted potential in those sheets. Change to the world, fiction, maybe journalism... I'm now looking at those blank pages a little differently.

But back to the other theme I also wanted to talk about. My mom has never really supported me. She has in some junctures, like telling me I could be anything when I was little, and questioning why I wanted to bother shaving as I got a bit older. And they suddenly changed to ripping up notebooks, and telling me I couldn't go into x field because it's not for girls. I still don't know where a lot of that came from and weirdly enough it's the same feeling I get from Canada's federal conservative party.

Yeah this feels like an aside, and I'm just gonna say it, in the 90s it felt like they fought for middle class and protecting people, and now they only fight for the rich white straight people, and I don't know when that happened. I just remember a switch.

I don't even know when that switch happened for my mom. Like, with the shaving it seemed like she was hinting at questioning beauty standards and gender norms from one perspective, but oh, you can't do this thing because it's only for boys! And that was always something I got more from my brother that I can't play Nintendo because I'm a girl, I'm going to break it. I can see a bit of a line that might have happened, but I doubt he could convince her of something like that at that age anyway.

I'm now trying to convince myself to open some kind of class online and giving myself permission to use some of my notebooks. It's been a pretty rough day today, and maybe that's what I need. Or maybe just a good cry.

[bandofchimeras]

longpost about learning disability

woke up in a good mood today! but getting on tumblr always sets off this thing in my brain that's like, sadness about my brain. learning disabilities, ADHD, PDA & memory loss.

my autism HATES not really knowing/being able to recall Deep Knowledge about special interests or not having made fanart or fancams or memes or memorized facts like - I loooovveed LotR growing up. had all the Histories of Middle Earth, Simarillion, map books, etc. but I don't remember any of the Quenya words I tried to learn. couldn't read the Histories of Middle Earth bc the type was Bad for dyslexia, and maps look like a headache bc of dyscalculia. even for my biggest obsessions I feel like a Fake Fan. the only stuff I make or do comes straight from Within Myself and it has to be spontaneous, from a dream or a vision. I've tried making fanart before and the process of having to research the costumes or study an actor to make the character look like them hurts my brain too hard to continue, so they end up half finished. sometimes I can finish stuff! but it literally takes YEARS of leaving it and coming back around bc my brain is so Spread Out and avoidant. i've gotten thru so much of my life pretending to understand what's going on, masking and this has only worsened post covid. my biggest hope in life is that doing somatic experiencing therapy and being able to Be Present in My Body can help reduce some of the load on my brain and distractibility, maybe shift towards being able to Actually Learn and Recall Anything. also if i can get accomodations and go at my own glacial, distracted pace, find a really patient teacher, that could help. having a Body of Knowledge one can recall and rely on and explore seems so comforting. like ah yes, the herbal plants of the Upper Northwest, my old friends, whose names and fucntions I DO remember well....I can rest here...... or like, knowing a new language. the doors that would open up. i have forgotten so many years of different language classes, guitar lessons. Its really isolating. i don't even get "into" bands just experience the music in the moment. and feel like i belong nowhere, knowing just bits and pieces of whatever happened to stick. dance is my favorite type of Body of Knowledge bc the movements get literally encoded in your, what is it, cerebral cortex? muscle memory. you can't forget the actual moves bc your BODY remembers after enough repetition maybe I will have to find a way to make all knowledge encode into my body/movements. maybe there is a different kind of intelligence in me that can be trusted. but i mostly want to Know stuff to be like, ah yes this is me i know who i am and where i belong and can bond with other humans securely. like if u go to school and become anthropologist u get to Be that and go places to Study under people and be part of the Community of Anthropologists. amazing, incredible!

[factorialsfandoms]

Autistically Flavoured Link Headcanons

(Disclaimer: these are all based on my personal experience of autism. I also have other brain weird, so while I’m /pretty/ sure its all autism, some might not be. Not representative, etc etc etc. Also I just wanted to write all these down before reading other people’s, because its interesting to compare, but I need the reference point for my own.)

(Some Links have more points than others. This isn’t always dependent on how much I like or have thought about them, its just which ones I had more ideas and firm vibes are)

(Also general that even if I don’t stick to these headcanons, I always write all characters as autistic as I’m literally incapable of not being so myself, and have to run the dialogue. Its just easier if I accept they have my neurotype and have fun.)

Cut because very long

Legend - is in constant sensory hell from everything. made it a little better by ditching pants, gnawing on necklaces, fiddling with his rings, and similar. the constant sensory hell makes him snippy, as the world is constantly too much. - As a kid he was constantly told off for being rude/pretentious, but never managed to work out why. So, he has decided to just pretend to be rude so it hurts less when people think he’s mean. It’s easier, no? to be hated for something you're pretending to be, than for something you can't control. And anyway, he can't read intent, so has decided to believe the worst in everyone and everything. A very few people can convince him they’re not awful, but it takes a lot of work. Everyone takes the worst interpretation of him, so why not return the favour?

Hyrule - what's autism and what's a feature of his Hyrule is very hard to tell sometimes. He's aware that he can't read emotion, tone, or body language, but just assumes it’s because he's spent so little time around people. - He has made a conscious choice to believe the best of everyone, and has been taught very quickly that if he isn't sweet and kind then he will be murdered. It reads as naïve to most people, but its as much a survival mechanism as Legend's constant snark. He doesn’t know what people are doing, so he has made a conscious choice to be kind, and to assume other people are too. Until they prove otherwise. Proving otherwise usually involves actually hurting them - His special interests have long involved magic. His sensory issues are rarely obvious, but certain colours are physically painful - there's a reason he sticks to his brown and greens. - All of his stims are forcibly suppressed to the point he doesn’t know any of them. Even the gentle flapping of his hands at his sides is a danger when you’re being hunted.

Four - I don’t have a whole grasp on Four, but blacksmithing? Blacksmithing is his special interest. He’s very blunt a lot of the time, but he’s generally just taken for distracted rather than rude. Everyone where he lives knows he’d rather be in his forge, and its useful enough they let him.  - He usually seems to have most of it under control, but when things get too much it looks like a very sudden shift. - The colours things gets tricky with all this. Yes they would all be autistic. They’re kinda all also different ways of dealing with it. As a whole Four can shift between them as situation necessitates, but split each colour only has one way of handling the social weirdness.

Time - didn't have his whole childhood being told off for being rude, and so for a long time was completely unaware that he can come off that way - or worse, insensitive. Forest children notice these things much less, but it means in adulthood he doesn’t always realise he’s coming off as mean. He is trying to learn to do better, but being the eldest of the group few of them call him out on it.  - As a kid relied a lot on his masks to work out the rules of different engagements, taking on different personas and so forth. He hasn't quite realised he put one of them on and never took it off again (figurative). Neither has he realised what it is costing him.

Wild - near constant state of not enough sensory, except for occasional moments of too much. he doesn't have a line of just enough. sensory seeking until he implodes. licks things, touches things, looks at shiny things - all of that. This has only gotten worse since his death and rebirth; the nerve damage with his burns has left huge expanses of his body in constant sensory deprivation, which he can only try to counter via elsewhere. - His social skills are a work in progress, but what's autism and what's trauma and what's amnesia is anyone's guess. - Cooking is great but fire noise distressing. So, he does the little hum. He likes the hum. It is a stim, but a stim that only works in specific situations. Sky - fakes it until he makes it, but it drains all his stamina and spoons, and neurotypicals still read something off about him anyway. He used to have a special interest in flying, its still sensory very pleasing to him, but his adventures have burnt all of his special interests away. Unlike Time he's uncomfortably aware of his masking, and that its hurting him, but has no idea how to turn it off. He is suffering badly from autistic burnout. Combined, of course, with actual burnout. Still, he's doing his very best to be kind. - Pressure is very good for him. Many blankets, also hugs. If he ever learns about Wild needing to be squished sometimes he'd love a cuddle buddy. For now its clinging to blankets and pillows and covering himself in everything. - Conversely, if he eats food with actual flavour, he might die. He wouldn't die, but the slightest bit of taste is too much for his brain to handle. Wild doesn't get it, but makes him very plain food anyway. Twilight - spends time with animals over people, as they actually make sense. Has always known he's weird and not quite... normal, but assumes its a result of his messy ancestry. Everyone else also knows he's a bit strange, but he's good with the horses and the kids, so what does it matter? Swaps between wolf and Hylian form to try control his sensory brain - if light is too much or smell too little, go wolf. Vice versa, go Hylian. It doesn't always work, but its one of a handful of pros. Wind - special interest in boats. Has far fewer problems than the other heroes, in part because young, in a small community, and his grandma wasn't going to stand for any nonsense. Now the chain protects him from nonsense as he explores himself. - Has, with Wild, recently discovered he's not actually easily overwhelmed by taste - he's actually underwhelmed by it, but bland food is easier for his brain to manage than slightly flavoured but not flavoured enough to deal with the sensory underwhelming he has. Grandma's soup had been the only flavoured thing he could stomach before. She knew the trick of actually flavouring things. Warriors - Can get through any social situation just fine, having absolutely delighted in the complexities of the rules and the drama of it all. Unfortunately, while he looks incredibly socially competent, he's still running largely from a script. So much attention is on how he himself is presenting and his own words and how people read him that he's completely unable to process what they're doing. Someone else really needs to take notes on the conversation for him, because he will remember precisely none of it later.